Beef And Dairy Network - #maxfundrive Extra Episode - Ask A Vet

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

MAXFUNDRIVE link: maximumfun.org/joinBecause it's #maxfundrive, here's an extra episode made up of recordings of the "Ask A Vet" section from our live shows recorded in 2019.Thanks to Mike Wozniak.

Hello, Benjamin Partridge here. I'm the man behind the laptop. As I mentioned in last week's episode, it's Max Fun Drive, which is when all the shows on the Maximum Fun Network ask for support from their listeners and also do extra fun stuff. So I thought I'd put out a little extra episode. Now, when we do live shows, we normally do a section called Ask a Vet, where Mike Wozniak, who is invariably part of the cast, who plays the character of the bovine arse vet, Bob Triscothic, he takes veterinary questions from the audience and fields them live from the stage. So these are recordings of the Ask a Vet sections

from three live shows, the Machynlleth Comedy Festival, the Udderbelly Festival in the South Bank and also the London Podcast Festival. If you haven't listened to this month's proper episode, which was the one that came out last week, I'd recommend listening to that first because that's a proper one. Also, I need to warn you that part of the reason why we haven't released this stuff before

is that the sound quality isn't amazing on all of it. So I'm normally pretty anal about things sounding good, but I think they sound okay also after this mini extra episode there'll be news about a live thing we're doing on the internet on Sunday so stick around for details about that anyway before we get on to the live ask a vet mini episode I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has gone to maximumfund.org forward slash join and pledged their support for the show.

As I said in the last episode, it's a very strange time to be asking people for money with everything that's going on. And for many people, giving even a small amount of money to a podcast is something that they can't do

or don't want to do. And obviously that's totally fine. But for those of you who do contribute financially you make sure the show continues to be made and continues to be free for everyone and thank you so much for that if you listen to the show every month and look forward to the next episode coming out why not press pause now and go to maximumfund.org forward slash join to become a member and to support independent artists making things that you love. So as I said, these are clips from three live shows from 2019.

I also want to say that the live shows tend to be a little bit swearier and a little bit saltier than the normal episodes. So this might be an episode you want to not listen to with children around maybe. Or maybe you normally like to listen with a a lovely old maiden aunt anyway just just be aware of that before you press play so here we go ladies and gentlemen bob droscothic our next question comes from Pip. What's your problem, Pip? Hi. I've got this awful dilemma

because I've recently acquired quite a number of chickens, but they just won't fight. Right, OK. Do you have any advice? You've got docile chickens, pacifist chickens, and non-Larry chickens. And presumably you're doing all the usual things things you're not feeding them quite enough food and you're keeping them in uncomfortable conditions i've shown them quite a number of quite frightening movies yes that's a

very good yeah first step um the trick is to make the chickens um well it's two parts one is to make them irritable in whatever way you can. One of the best things to do is attach a small bell to the end of their beak. That will absolutely drive them around the fucking wall. And the other thing is really, it's the old divide and conquer. Start to, you know, they are susceptible to rumour mongering. So if you've got a chicken

who's particularly fond of a bit of seed move it around make it seem like one chicken is stealing from another chicken imply that another chicken

has fucked a chicken that you shouldn't have fucked swap the eggs around play pranks with things like duck eggs and ostrich eggs murder a chicken

and then frame one of the other chickens. So it's all about taking that society they have and really disbanding it. And then, yeah, you should have some real fighters then. Fantastic. Is that helpful, Pip? That's brilliant. Thank you.

Another wonderful answer there from Bob Scuddy. Why does my cat look like Vincent van Gogh? Why does this dog have a hat? Can I take it off? Why do these pigeons like to eat old ham? Is this really a horse or is it a scam? Yeah, so I recently adopted a rescue dolphin that I keep in my bath. The guy who gave it to me said that it rigged it up so it would dispense Fanta from the blowhole. But it's coming out flat. I've tried turning it off and back on again,

but it didn't make a difference. What can I do? Easier than it sounds. Yeah, there's been a lot of complaints about this sort of thing. Yeah, you've been soda-streamed. And it's simply, you need to find a physically very brawny wife and a bicycle pump, and you need to get them to pump rapidly into the blowhole of the dolphin,

three times a day for 35 minutes, roughly speaking. Once, you know, you've done that for about two days, I mean, you should find you get some pretty good results, but you may be getting the Fandra out of the wrong place. Make sure you're going for the dolphin teat and not for the dolphin arsehole. There's another common mistake. So check your anatomy, brawny wife, bicycle pump, let me know how you get on. Can I just clarify, is it impossible to get Fanta out of a dolphin's arse or just

undesirable? Oh no, it's possible. It's possible, but it's too fizzy. And you'll be very windy afterwards. But he could try it if he fancies giving that a go. He could try it, but he'll have a brawny wife in the house. He won't thank him for it. Does that help with your problem? Brilliant, thank you. OK, well, everyone say thanks to Bob. I think wonderful, Bethany Knowledge.

Thank you. Why does this lion have gills and fins? Thank you. My cow is on the loose Fet, ask a vet Ask a vet, ask a vet Ask a vet, ask a vet Ask a vet Fet, ask a vet I'm asking a vet I'm down on my knees

Ask a vet You gotta help me I've got a pet dove that I bought from a magician Unless I'm constantly doing magic tricks in front of him Or involving him in magic tricks He has a real face on And he tries to sabotage my happiness What can I do? So if you didn't know, Cindy, you've got a dove

That you've bought from a magician, did you say? Yes. And it's a demanding dove, essentially. If you're not performing magic... Yes. Right, okay. And are you adept at magic? Pretty adept, yeah. So it's not that you're the issue, it's just the quantity, the amount that you're able to perform. Well, one of the greatest tricks, of course, I mean, probably what your dove really wants is to be directly involved rather than just as an audience member if it can participate in the magic trick. And I know a dealer, actually,

who can give you one of those special boxes. You know when they put the dove in the box and they put the towel over it and they whip it over and the dove disappears? I can give you one of those. And actually, it's very clever because underneath is a false compartment with a shredder.

So it will absolutely mince the dove and flatten it so it's very easy to discard afterwards and that will be what it deserves. Does that help you, Cindy? Thank you very much.

Next question's from Sandra. I recently fulfilled a dream of a lifetime and gave up my job painting creepy versions of Mickey Mouse on the back of an ice cream van so I could get my first snake breeding centre. I brought one snake from a reputable pet shop and another from a man I met in a branch of NatWest who had one in a bag.

After several months, there's been no eggs. On closer inspection, it appears that one of the snakes, the one I bought from the guy in NatWest, is actually a short length of hose. What can I do to make the real snake breathe with the hose? So, you're trying to get a snake to breathe with a hose. That's very tricky. I think you're thinking about the problem in the wrong way.

First of all, I mean, snakes' eggs is universally thought of as being one of the grossest things in the universe. So I would avoid going down the egg route at all and uh try uh budding instead uh where you remove a section of the end of the the snake um i don't know if

you're a gardener if you know any gardening people you just snip the end off cauterize it and then implant that in the in the back of the snake and and, and that will grow into another snake. I imagine. Does that help? Great. My horse keeps puking, and the puke tastes like when you lick a battery. Is this normal? It is normal for it to taste like a licked battery.

It's not normal for you to be tasting the puke. So in future, I would just drain the nose bag Like any other horse wrangler And just have a cheese sandwich Why does my cat look at me with disdain? Why is my goat in near constant pain? Why does my toad seem to hate it when i smile why has my crap become infertile final question comes from bernard bernard's here on stage hello um for his birthday i bought my Wasps. Because I'd been told they were great with children.

But actually, they pretty much ignore him. Any tips? I would just... Just jams, really. Jam your nephew, did you say? My nephew, yeah. Your nephew. Jam your nephew, did you say? My nephew, yeah. Your nephew. Jam your nephew. Jam him up. Oh, jam him up.

Jam him up, marmalade him. Chuck him in the garden, see what happens. Yeah. Head to toe in... Head to toe, yeah. Just... And then do I have to chuck him in the garden? I would not...

Yeah, I think... Hurl? Hurl him in the garden. Luzz him into the garden. Close the doors. Yeah. And don't watch. Luzz him into the garden. Close the doors. Yeah. And don't watch. Thank you very much.

Bob to Scotland, everyone. Thank you, Bob. All right. Why does my newt think that it is a horse? Why is my rabbit overcome with remorse? Why am I getting attitude from my mouse? Why is there a pig in every room of my house? Ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet, ask a vet months of the year we have a great time together eating crickets and singing to each other.

However, my lizard never seems to get excited about Christmas. I try to build the anticipation by giving it a Bayliz and reading it the special Christmas radio times but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Any tips? Yes, this is an absolutely classic problem with lizards as they are notoriously secular um so i think if you try and if it's all about branding really in the house so if you can do

all the same things um but just rebranded a sort of winter festival. Show it some German sausages, something like that, and it'll probably get on board. But they can be a bit bloody-minded about the whole, you know, atheism thing and religion. So just, yeah. If she wants an animal that will really get into the Christmas spirit, what's the kind of thing she should be looking for? Drake. A drake? Yeah. Specifically a drake rather than a duck?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Ducks, well, Satanists on the whole. That's why the sort of the waterfowl sex scene is so electric. If you do get to witness it. Does that help, Tessa? Very much, thank you. Great. And a question from Jenny from Dugdale.

I think Jenny's over here. Hi, yeah. I'm having some trouble setting the time on my cockerel. I've tried pressing the buttons on the back, pressing the reset hole with a pin and changing the batteries, but it's not working. What can I do? Okay.

So you've got a fully charged cockerel that isn't waking up at the right times. Basically, you need to fully reset the cockerel's brain. Okay? And initially, you need to do that by sort of oversupplying the brain. And so shove it in front of a Dickens, put Rage Against the Machine on, and some strobe lighting

for about three weeks solidly. Sort of Guantanamo it. Yeah. And then release the cockerel out into the open at the time that you wish to be woken up, and then you'll be right as rain. Is that helpful, Jenny? Great.

Okay, our next veterinary query comes from Bob from Barry. Yeah, hi, Vet. My Uncle Stephen brought a llama back from Peru because he's a big fan of giraffes and sheep. big fan of giraffes and sheep. He inserted some radio receiving equipment into the back passage because he liked to listen to Ken Bruce while walking the llama. But since

BBC switched off the medium wave signal and gone solely to FM, he's had a bugger of a time with reception. Any tips? That's a tricky one. The problem with alpacas and llamas is they don't have the aerial neck of giraffes and so on, so they can't pick up signals quite as easily as

the other ungulates. So what I would do would probably try and rack the llama by the neck over a period of two or three months. Put a couple of truss rods up the back of its pelt on the back. And then probably just get a walkman as well, just to be on the safe side.

Thanks, Bob. And finally, our final vet query comes from Gwen from Swansea. Yeah, all right. I was talking to this guy. I was thinking about going on a date with him, right? His name is Richard Vesely-Roz, and he says he's got a python in the bedroom. And I thought this was a metaphor for him having a big knob.

But he's actually just got a snake. How do I proceed? You're trying to proceed with lovemaking with the man, or with the... Best case scenario, yes. Right, okay. But I'm open to other things. Well, I think it's just very...

If you're trying to make love to a male person in a room where there's a python, I think the first thing to do if you're not experienced with pythons is to make sure the first time you do it with the lights on. Sorry, are you recommending that she does fuck a python? No, no. Just want to clear that up I'm suggesting that she makes sure that she's got a good visual on both the python

and the dick Do you mean the light light or the heat lamp? I mean the light light or some decent night visions and just to make sure you know exactly what's going in who when.

Do you leave the heat lamp on? That's very much personal taste. Do you need to put a heat lamp on the penis? The problem with the heat lamp is you can turn the heat lamp off and the python is then going to quieten down, okay? So the python is less likely to wriggle somewhere it's not supposed to, but at the same time, the python will also stiffen.

Okay? So you've got to kind of weigh up those two. Yeah. Is there not an argument that Shisha does ask him to remove the python from the room while they're having sex? There's an argument for that, absolutely. Yeah, I didn't think of that. Thank you.

Thank you, Bob Jaskopic. Thank you, Nick. Why has my rat grown leathery wings? Why is my hog wearing bejeweled rings? Why is my duck so out of control? Why does my finch like to puke in my bowl? Why does my newt think that it is a horse? Why does my cat look like Vincent van Gogh? Why does my rabbit overcome with the gorse? Why does this dog have a hat? Can I take it off? Why do these pigeons like to eat old ham?

Is this really a horse or is it a slide? Oscar bait! Oscar bait! Oscar bait! Oscar bait! Oscar bait! Oscar bait! Oscar bait! Thanks to Mike Wozniak You gotta help me You gotta help me Thanks to Mike Wozniak and to everyone who came to those live shows. Now, if you enjoyed that, because it's Max Fundrive, we'll be doing a live streaming version of Ask Yvette

on Sunday, the 2nd of August at 9pm UK time, which is equivalent to 1pm in LA, 4pm in New York, 6am on Monday in Sydney. What? And 4am on Monday in Beijing. Sorry, Beijing. As I said, it'll be a live streamed version of Ask a Vet.

And rather than me writing all the questions, I'd love it for you to submit some questions. So if you have a question for the vet Bob Treskothic, send them to beefanddairynetwork at gmail.com and we'll see how many we can answer please do send some over what else do I need to tell you? oh yes where can you see this? it'll be on twitch

on my twitch feed which is twitch.tv forward slash benjamin partridge I'm a newbie to twitch I've only been on it once before if you've never been on it I don't think you have to sign up to it in order to view it you can just click it and watch it, you know, like on YouTube. But if you want to leave comments or if you want to, we'll probably be taking questions live.

If you sign up to Twitch, I think you're able then to send us messages. It's a bit of a mystery to me as well, to be honest, Twitch. I've done it once before. And last time I did it, my computer started making noises I've never heard it made before and it got very very hot and that's the effect I want to have on the audience not the computer also I believe there's a way to simultaneously also stream this to YouTube maybe and also maybe Facebook I'm going to look into it and I'll post the info and the links on the Beef and Dairy Twitter which is at Beef andairy, and also on the Facebook page and on Instagram. So remember, that's 9pm UK time, which is another time wherever you are in the world, on Sunday, the 2nd of August. And finally, I just want to thank all our members

for supporting the show. We're truly grateful that you've chosen to do so. If you haven't had a chance to become a member yet, you can do so at maximumfun.org forward slash join. That's maximumfun.org forward slash join. Why not check it out? All right, I will see you on Sunday. Beef out. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture.

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