Beef And Dairy Network - Three Bean Salad

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

A short message to tell you about a new podcast that Beef and Dairy network creator Benjamin Partridge is involved with, along with Mike Wozniak (Bob Trescothick) and Henry Paker (Michael Banyan) - Three Bean Salad. Find it here: https://pod.link/1564066507

Hello, Benjamin Partridge here. Hope you're well. The next Beef and Dairy Network episode will be out later this month, I believe on the 20th, I think, and that's currently being made. But I just thought I'd put this on your feeds. I just want to let you know about a new podcast I'm involved with. It's a kind of chat podcast with me, Mike Wozniak, who you'll know as the bovine arse vet Bob Triscothic, and also Henry Packer, who you'll know as the former bovine poet laureate Michael Banyan. We've started a chat podcast where every week we tackle a different subject sent in by the listening audience. It's called Three Bean Salad, and I just thought I'd let you know about it and also provide you with a little clip to give you a taster of it and so in this clip we discuss swan attacks

will beza emails and says you ask at the end of the first podcast whether anyone had been attacked by a rear i can't say that i have but i was attacked by a swan it's my earliest memory i was at slimbridge wetlands when i was about three or four with my nan feeding the swans some bread and after i ran out of bread i started throwing little stones at them with the same sort of bread scattering technique thinking that the swans ate anything bread crumb sized the swans became violent naturally and i recall my nan staving off a group of about five or eight swans by wielding her handbag and swinging it wildly around her head like a flail so she went full berserker good old man

man and i just hope that she made it right i'm assuming that they all made it out of that yeah he doesn't say whether she made it she may have done been that thing where she goes you just save yourself leave me just go just go but i'll slow them down but never forget this moment i know you're only three just go just make sure this is your first memory try and make sure this and also try to remember the name of the wetland center it's like, no, you're only three. You haven't got a concept of a wetland centre. For you, the world is just a bunch of, you know, pictures and things that just... The world is just a series of sizes, basically.

You just throw at a different size thing. The only thing you're really aware of is size differential. But try, if you can, to remember the name of the wetland centre. Go, go, go now! Oh God, they're on me. As she finally pulls the pin from the grenade she's been keeping

in her handbag all along. Eat this. Eat this, you Queen's bitch. Eat this. And there's what happens there's a great one second after she says that

isn't it eat this yeah was it you queen you queen's bitch pulls it and there's one second where everyone looks at each other the swans look at each other

she looks at the swans the swans look at her yeah the owner of the wet mountain centre he shuts up he puts the blinds down on the ice cream. He's got time to do that, but otherwise... He jumps into the swan-shaped pebble to make his escape.

He knows he hasn't got time. He wants to create a sort of Viking burial for himself on the pebble. As a flaming swan shoots like a flaming arrow across the sky and lands in the prow. Sets him alight. Well, I'm sorry. I mean, Will obviously got in contact. What's happened?

He sent us a nice story. You've slightly slagged off his anecdote technique by sort of slagging off the fact that he included the name of the wetland centre, which I thought was just a nice detail that was rock solid that was rock solid anecdote technique i think um and then you've sort of hypothesized that maybe it's nan died in a kind of flaming ball of swans which if that was true he would have a little tip tip for him is he's left out the probably the most which is which is not so much that the swans attacked him

but the sort of massive flaming ball of Nan of Nan I mean it's perfectly possible that if this happened as you said he doesn't actually know what happened to his Nan all he knows is she said go without me and he's never thought to broach that in his head because he doesn't want to go there

he doesn't want to imagine what happened but you've now filled in that gap and coloured it in in lurid detail and he might go back to the he might now for the first time feel ready to go back to that wetland center oh and um and then discover that actually that she didn't blow them up or herself but actually she went to live among them and she's been there ever since. Yeah. Nan? Nan? Ma! Will? It's a great first memory, though. My first memory, weirdly,

is also at Slimbridge Wetlands Centre. Really? Really? Was it of an old lady blowing up five swans? It might be quite a lot of people's first memory. And last. it might be quite a lot of people's first memory and last um no mine's very boring it's just uh they there's like a there was a bit inside where there was a fake kind of swan house you could go inside and you could then sit on the swan eggs they'd made big there was a big swan eggs that you could sit on i very I very vividly remember

they were quite smelly it was quite there was like sort of hay in there it was all quite shit and old and that's my first memory you sat on an actual swan egg? no it was like

a big fiberglass swan egg oh it's a fake swan egg yeah did you have to dress up as a swan? were you are you trying to experiment what it would be like

to sit on a yeah I didn't I didn't have to dress up I think they were just trying to give you the give you the general feel of it. Just imagine a three-year-old me grappling on a big egg. I think it's a very weird thing to offer children to do, to sit on a swan egg.

Imagine you're a swan who's had given birth to some eggs and is keeping them warm. I don't know, but the stuff they go for, man. Do you know what I mean? I think it's like Magic Roundabout i'm sure people when they first pitched that would have been like this is absolute nonsense what are you talking about yeah yeah but the stuff the stuff the small ones in particular that they genuinely go for i could imagine that could be the sort of thing that makes no sense to an adult at all but they're like yay

i want to i want to slip off the massive egg again hurt my elbow please i'll tell you what i'd be so pissed off if i worked in that um slimbridge um wetland center swan sanctuary wetland center um if i was working on the staff there in the ideas meeting and i would have pitched i think something in the pitching room in the hot pitching room yeah in the hot pitching room i reckon you know i've i've look i've taken interest in in film you know i'd have come up with some good ideas and some some some bloke could pitch that idea of sitting on the swan egg with a reeking hangover you know that guy would have been absolutely yeah still half cut yeah dressed in yesterday's clothes bacon dangling off his face and guy would have been absolutely yeah still half cut yeah dressed in yesterday's clothes

bacon dangling off his face and i'd have been so confident that idea was bad i would actually have openly slagged it off in front of the other um executives little did you know they'd already commissioned the fiberglass eggs and i would have been so annoyed to see the kids lining up and really enjoying it yeah while my While my Blade Runner meets Swan experience rides. Which has decimated the budget for the next decade. Meaning the swans are on quarter rations. Imagine it. It's a dystopian world.

Which are the real swans and which are the cyber swans so hard to tell because the level of robot technology has got so good in the future and you go into a small suite where there's a there's a robo swan who's doing a monologue about some of the really amazing ponds he's seen that humans can't even imagine exactly and there's a sexy hologram ad for a swan escort yeah it's being um being sort of projected and everyone's eating noodles in blade runner where someone makes an origami swan oh yeah good point and they yeah that would that would that would come up in the meeting though wouldn't it they'd be like that's where you got the idea from henry yeah exactly as soon as someone says that i'll be like yeah well you see it all adds up and and at that point everyone in the room would be so excited

they'd be like fuck it okay it doesn't matter about it doesn't matter about the canteen that we're putting all the budget into this yeah people can bring their own lunch we're paying all the budget into the blade runner swan experience yeah meanwhile dave your egg thing i mean if you can find some stuff to make it fine there's no money in it i mean you can use that space over there with a stinky bit with the hay but you know you know i mean yeah yeah fast forward 18 months yeah both things are now open the queues around the block for the swan eggs we've got we've we've got we know what it is henry henry turns up at work and there's they're queuing around they're queuing out beside the wetland center he's like oh, oh my God, words got round. And then he goes through. I've been thinking, thank God we got through those teething problems

with the hover police car. And all the deaths. And the three workers who died. Thank God it's not in vain. Thank God we found the extra investment from Saudi Arabia for the £3,000 a day electricity bill that it takes. Never mind that it's now owned by a corrupt oil shake.

It's a good workout. It's worth it because the people are turning up. The children. It's getting people excited about swans and that's what it was all about. In the meeting with the oil shake you had to eat a swan. That was the

galling thing. to prove that i was serious and you know they were secretly filming it at the time yeah they've got you by the balls and then you finally step into the wetland center yeah what do you see little ben partridge three years old slipping and sliding slipping and sliding and the turn styles for the Blade Runner experience are already beginning to rust yeah they've brought on the same day

we're only an hour in they're rusting old crows and ravens are perching on bits of it on bits of the set you get to the office

and on your desk is a letter with a season from Ridley Scott it's the Ridley Scott. It's the one thing you forgot to do. You even wrote the letter and put a stamp on the envelope. You just forgot to post that bloody letter to Ridley Scott.

Because he didn't know what his postcode was. And the final insult is you go downstairs again. I got off the little egg i'm going home i'm happy you look in the little swan house and ridley scott's on the egg yeah he's just slipping off the egg going henry where's my money where's my money henry because as soon as you pay it up i'm investing everything into the film sitting on the swan egg experience, which is going to star Russell Crowe playing three different characters, the swan, the child, and the mother.

And the egg. And the egg. I forgot to mention the egg. Using CG technology. CG egg. He's not going to use a real big egg. It's not going to be in camera. He's going to use a CG egg he's not going to use a real big egg it's not going to be in camera he's going to use a CG CG egg

yeah it's never been done before oh yeah and then he'll go but Henry just give me a bit of hope he'll go but Henry you know what we might use the set actually from your swan blade runner experience and I'll be like oh yeah

and he'll be like yeah for firewood to create energy for the catering truck so there you go new podcast three bean salad find it wherever you get podcasts and yep more beef and dairy coming soon all right ta-ra