Begin Again with Davina McCall - Alexandra Burke: Becoming Chaka Khan & Finding Her Purpose After Grief

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

What does it take to keep going when life keeps testing how badly you want the dream? In this episode of Begin Again, Alexandra Burke joins Davina for an emotional and deeply personal conversation about X Factor, grief, motherhood, love, faith and the determination that has carried her through every chapter of her life. Alexandra looks back on the extraordinary road to becoming a star: singing alongside her mum as a child, Stevie Wonder wanting to sign her at just 12 years old, being sent home from X Factor at 16, and the mother who eventually pushed her to go back and try again. She opens up about what was really happening in her life during that first rejection, why she now knows she wasn’t ready, and the remarkable full-circle journey that followed. She also speaks movingly about losing her mum, the grief she still carries and how becoming a mother herself has changed the way she understands the sacrifices her own mum made. Alexandra shares why she has fiercely protected her two boys, how she met her partner Darren after years of choosing the wrong relationships, and the moment she realised the family life she has now is everything she once prayed for. Now, playing Chaka Khan on stage in I’m Every Woman, Alexandra reveals why the most challenging role of her career is bringing parts of her own past back to the surface, why she has had to learn to leave Chaka at the theatre, and why she plans to return to therapy when the show ends. This is a conversation about rejection, grief, resilience, faith and refusing to give up on the life you know you’re meant to have. Follow us here: 📸 www.instagram.com/beginagain 🎥 https://www.tiktok.com/@beginagainpod ✨ Sign up for the Begin Again newsletter for behind-the-scenes access, recommendations and much more: https://linkly.link/2g2xm  We'd love you to share your Get Busy Living stories with us at https://getbusyliving.beginagainshow.com/ (00:00) Intro (01:20) Why “I’m Every Woman” Means So Much (06:51) How Her Mum Inspired Her (15:08) Alexandra’s Bond With Her Mum (18:57) Singing With Her Mum as a Child (20:06) Why She Turned Down Stevie Wonder (25:49) Get Busy Living With Monzo (27:24) Monzo GBL Ad (28:35) Leaving School at 16 for Music (30:21) Her Abusive Relationship at 16 (31:50) Rejected by The X Factor at 16 (32:50) Coming Back to Win The X Factor (38:15) How Chaka Khan Helped Her Heal (39:23) Performing for Chaka Khan (41:51) Why She Keeps Her Children Private (48:35) How She Met Her Husband Darren (53:58) Finding Out She Was Pregnant (58:20) Going Back to Work After Giving Birth (59:42) Pregnant Again Seven Months Later (01:01:46) Pre-Eclampsia During Her Second Pregnancy (01:03:12) Why She Wants More Children (01:06:20) How Alexandra Found Her Confidence (01:09:15) Honouring Her Mum Through Her Foundation Sponsored by: Monzo - Download Monzo. Monzo Current Accounts are for 16+ and UK residents. Ts&Cs Apply. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. Please welcome to the begin again stage. Alexandra, back!

Oh, right, yes, I'm most terribly sorry. Davina McCall. Actually, can we just go get Alexandra? Why didn't you say that in the first place? Our next guest, this is a slightly different intro. We'd normally be on the street, but this is the busiest woman in show business, and she's had to come here to get ready. She arrived with a full face mask on,

but Alexandra is finally ready, and I thought, how can we do the intro without being on the street? So I thought I'd use the legendary phrase that I once used in a far-gone career. And that is Alexandra. I'm going to get you! Let's go.

I've got very high heels on, Connie. I can't go fast. Hello, babes. Oh! And it squeeze me. Crikey, Moses. Let's go sit down. Here, come sit here.

I am so excited because the other night I went to a musical that changed everything. I have not stopped talking about I'm Every Woman since I came to. I literally can't stop talking about it. I've posted about it, recommended it on the podcast. It's unbelievable. But I am here with It's Star who plays Shakakarn, Alexandra Burke, who we all know and love. Alexandra Bird, welcome to the studio.

I love you so much, darling. Thank you for having me. My gosh. You. I already knew how brilliant you were. Thank you. And I appreciate you in every way. Thank you.

But this. Do you know? Can you feel it? I feel it because I'm going to keep it real. Every day I'm exhausted. So I know I'm pouring my heart and soul into this. How long is it on poor? Not long.

Not long. We close September 27th. So in total, 10 weeks. Yeah. It's not long. We're lucky to have this opportunity. We're all exhausted. But for me personally, I can only speak for myself,

this role, as you saw, is the most challenging role of my life. To play someone who's still here. Yes. I mean, that's in itself. That's in itself is a massive pressure. How much did you know about Shaka before this role? Oh, not a lot. I'm not going to lie to you.

I did not a lot. I of course knew her music and grew up to her music, like, used one of her songs to audition with my mom an X Factor. But I didn't know much about her life. And I heard I say something the other day when she got asked, why are you ready to do it now? And she was like, well, you know, I've done a book. So just read the book. And I thought, oh, God. But she's ready for it now because of the village she has around her, helping to create this show. I was worried about you. in the break in the middle like when we were in the interval I was like she must be exhausted I don't even know how you go back after the interval it's almost not enough time to fully...

So first off I quickly want to talk about the fact that you play Shaka Khan there weren't little girls playing her when she was a little girl I'm playing the whole way through the whole way through it was so funny seeing you as a little girl I was like, oh my God, she is like a little girl.

So talk to me about the age when we start telling her story and to what she's like. And what was that like? Yeah, okay. So we started with, we open up a shacker in the present day. Well, not present day, but when she was doing family therapy, right? And at that point, when we start the show, it's a battle with herself in the fact that she is using.

and her family need her to stop. Her family are trying to take, there's an intervention there and their family are really trying to help shuck her, but she's not hearing this. The therapy, all of that. And then it goes into her being a kid and showing you how she got into things.

And obviously, I'm trying to be really careful how I explain it because I don't want to give too much way. But when, what really helps is that I don't think people realise in Act 1, there's probably about 20 changes that I do. Like it's like maybe 16 to 20 changes I do. Hopefully, some of them are on stage. As you're walking and you change.

A wig gets pulled off, then one gets popped back on. It's mental. I'm wearing, I've got, you know, layers under layers, under layers. And when we open the show, I've actually got the young shaker on underneath so that it can be a very quick change so I can sing and drink some water in between all these changes, right? And tea, of course. But it's so wild. And I've got such a great team backstage of me.

Oh, yeah. Helping me out to execute these changes because it's, I, you know, there's no iron team. Right? But we go through 50 years of her life. And that's why it's so fast-paced. You need to be in a really good place that evening. You've even needed to have your coffee so you can stay with us because we go through it. Right?

So quick. That's why I want to see it again. Yeah, because if you're not paying attention, you miss something. And the years we go through from then her being discovered, like her in the Black Panthers, then her being discovered with Rufus, Ask Rufus and Shaka Khan. And then it goes into her, then going solo. And it's just, then she meets Prince. And then you see Stevie Wonder, you see Whitney Houston.

And it's like, it's bam, bang, bang, bam, bam, bam, bam. And I'll tell you something to learn that script. I never forget when we was about to open and hackney. And we were maybe five days away and I wasn't, I wasn't off script for one last chunk. And I remember saying to the general manager, Emily, and I was like, I can't do this. I said, we open up in five days. And the way that we're creating the show, rehearsing the show, taking the show, I've not had the time to digest this script and I'm struggling.

And I was really, really open about it. and thankfully I don't know what happened but I got myself together and got on stage and learn every single line but to this day I have the script on the side of stage and I know I know my words but I have it for security because I never get complacent

just in case but you know what this is something I know about you you are not a complacent person you never take anything for granted you are so grateful for everything that you have been through. Yeah.

I just have this thing that I'm a firm believer in God. I'm a very spiritual person and I know that the moment that you are ungrateful for your blessings, it can be taken away like that. And I look to, you know, I look back at my life and look at my mum and how much she's sacrificed, right?

And not once I ever see my mum turn to us and act ungrateful for her blessings even though she struggled. She struggled as a single mother with four kids But she still put food on the table Put clothes on our back Still went out touring with soul to soul Still to soul

Still tried her best And If she can do that And everything She went through with her health problems And still showed up I can't not show up Do you know what I mean

When I say that As a mother of two now I don't feel I have the right not to show up Do you know what I mean That my mum gave everything everything. And I can't talk about that crime because I feel like I was, um, rubbed of time. Yeah, you were. She was so young. Only 53. So it's like, now a mom of two kids, I'm like,

wow, I need her. I need her more than ever. And I know she's there, but yeah, she's there. She's there all the time. She's there all the time. I just wish she was physically here because I need her. And I think she shows up in so many different ways because she knows I, struggle daily without her. And I'm very good at like, not only being honest about it, but I'm good at remembering my blessings. That's what it is. I'm good at remembering and I'm not afraid to be vocal about it

and to talk about how lucky I am, how lucky I feel I've been in this industry. I know I've been through several ups and downs, but for goodness sake, I want a TV show that people voted for. That doesn't guarantee you a career. Explain how you leave. Shaka at the theatre because you were taking Shaka home. I was taking Shaka home to the point where Darren was calling me miserable.

Because her life is hard. And so what I now do is I have a specific perfume just for her that I spray. And it's called something with love. And I always say things with love. And I deliberately picked it because it's got love in the title of it of the perfume. And so I spray that. And as soon as I get off that stage, I quickly spray my one that I'm known for, my little red bottle.

And I spray that all over me to get her off of me. And I have a moment of warming down my voice and I just talk to myself in my head. And I'm like, you've played a role. You've played Shaka and this is not your life. And I repeat that. Maybe like five times to myself, let it go, leave it here. Let it go. Let her go and leave her here.

And that's how I leave her at the door and leave her in the theatre. So I can't bring her home. Yeah. And the moment that I say to Darren, if the moment you see me being a bit down or bit weird, ask me if I've bought Shaka home. And I know that might sound like a weird thing. But sadly, earlier you brought up about the interval and you said, how do you even get, you know, enough time to get to then come back on. So I have to sadly go somewhere in that last scene mentally. with an ex that used to hurt me badly.

And sadly, I have to go there as a 16-year-old me that used to go for really tough time. And I'm so grateful I'm in a safe space with the guy that plays my second husband, plays Jack's second husband, sorry, Miles. He also plays Prince. And I'm safe with him on stage because he triggers me when he does his whole thing on stage.

And the moment he touches me, sadly, a lot comes up for me when I was 16 and went through a really abusive relationship. And then I have to hold him after and give him the biggest hug. And we hold each other dearly for about a minute maybe we hug after and we just check in, make sure we're both okay. And then we move on. There is not enough time in that interval for me mentally to escape that to get back on. But sadly, as my mum was used to say to me, the show must go on. So I don't know what it is that I'm doing to then get back on.

But I, the second act is very difficult for me and there's a lot of tears because I'm triggered from that last scene. Yes. I'm really triggered, yeah. So it's hard. It's relentless. Yeah.

Isn't it? Yeah. And I know, I'm going to say this openly. Once the show's done, I'm going to get therapy around it. I'm 100% going to give myself that gift because it's bringing up a lot for me. Especially in that last scene that she's pregnant. A lot for me.

Talk to me about your journey with therapy. Is it something that you've embraced as you? Yeah. I've done it. Yeah. So I started therapy when my mum was sick and I started family therapy first and gave that up simply because sometimes my family members would turn up late or they just wouldn't turn up, right? And, you know, look, it's not for everyone. Okay. And I get that. So some of them had their own reasons to us why they maybe have not wanted to be there and that's okay. Then I took on therapy after SAS. Okay. I'm glad you brought that up because I want to talk to you about how real is it? Because people often kind of think, oh, it can't be as bad as it can't be as bad as what they say that it is. But I think it is, right? It's bad. It is, isn't it? It's traumatic. I've seen. I've met other people. I had PTSD after that. Right. Yeah. 100%. What was the worst bit for me? What was the worst bit for me, but also the greatest bit for me was when you had to write yourself a letter that when you went on the run if you died,

right and that letter goes to your family I still have that letter some of them burnt it I didn't burn mine I haven't opened it but it also was the best thing for me why it's because it mended relationships that I needed to mend in my life and it also got rid of a relationship I needed to get rid of

in my life and it made me realise my self-worth like I was like hold on I don't need to stay with a guy that cheats sorry no no no no no no no not when I give everything to you No, I don't need to stay in this relationship. That's going. That's in the bin. And with love, God bless you, move on. And I also don't need to be around people where it's a one-sided thing. Like I can count my close friends on one hand now at 37 and I'm grateful for that.

I don't need so many people around me all the time. I need those who care. And SAS gave that to me. And I always said I'd do it before having children. And then I met the love of my life after without knowing that I'd meet him. So it gave me an understanding in a very short space of time, may I add, because it's only a week. You're there in isolation. Yeah, we're in isolation for a week. And then you're on the show for, on the course for a week. But it's the most intention.

You don't sleep. You're sleep deprived, hardly eating. It's crazy. But it's giving you a glimpse of what, you know, people in that situation actually go through. But it's not as bad as that. Of course it's not because it's made for TV. but it gave me a massive insight to, I've got to have a bit more self-belief going on, self-worth,

like don't stand for certain things in life, don't take shit from men, do you know what I mean? And I literally was like, I've put up with so much crap, and I've just put the smile on my face and gone, I was fine, if things can be okay. Behind closed doors, I'm crying at night. I don't need to be doing that.

Why should I be doing that? We have one life. I want to live it with no regrets. I want to live it to the fullest. I want to have joy. I just want to wake up and know that I'm trying my hardest. Do you know what I mean? And I work hard.

I work my ass off, right? And I wouldn't have it any other way. I love what I do for a living. The fact that I call my dream a job. I make money from it. I get to provide for my children. I get to help my family when I can. I just want to try my best in life and have fun because it's not promised.

Tomorrow's it's a promise. You get one chance. One life. Live it. Live it. My mum left at 53. Yeah. I was really, really shocked and sad when I heard about your mum dying so young. I, you know, she hadn't... She hadn't even got to see her grandchildren. No. Well, from me anyway. From her daughters. Do you know what I mean? I struggle with that. I really struggle with that because...

I've never spoken about this, but I'm going to tell you. So she had two strokes And the first one She was slightly still coherent afterwards And I remember rushing to the hospital After the first stroke being told And She could hear us but she couldn't speak

And I just ran in that room And I said mum I said mum if you want me to give all this up And give you a grandchild And just stop all this because I was on tour give me a sign and lift a leg

or lift an arm and she lifted her leg and I think my only regret I have in life is going back to work after her being so sick because she always told me

never let my fans down I'd never let people down she was a singer or she was a performer wasn't she and she she knew She knew. She knew. But she waited until I finished that tour and she sadly passed on the last show. But I made it. I was just going to say she waited for me. She waited for me. But I think for me that's my biggest regret is listening to her. I should have stayed with her. I should have come off that tour. And I should have been there for my mum. More. And don't get me wrong. I was performing, getting in the car, going to the hospital, sleeping on the floor.

Going back to do a show and no one knew what I was going through. the stage manager at the time God bless him Andy had my phone on stage and I'd go I'm giving you permission to read the family group I need all updates on my mum I'd go off go and do a scene come off a look at the phone

okay go and do it was horrific I would never advise anyone to put themselves through that but she always would remind me you've got bills to pay well listen it's somebody self-employed yeah exactly what can you do like but that's probably my biggest regret yeah it's not

having those last nine months with her properly. I know I was there, but I missed out on time. You were there. Yeah. That's the toughest things to digest. You gave what you could and you gave more than most. Yeah.

Know that. Yeah, I just miss her so much. I know. And grief doesn't leave you. No. In a funny kind of way, obviously you know my sister's, my sister's there. Yeah. The grief that I feel for my sister now,

feels like a sign of how much I loved her and I like that feeling. This is how much I loved you that you are still with me all the time. Maybe I need to start taking that. It's a slight reframe. Absolutely, yeah. That I didn't think of it like that.

That's lovely. That's really lovely. Maybe I need to start saying that to myself because I just think all of this with like shaker and stuff What that's a massive From Circle moments Isn't it? Yeah

Like auditioning with my mum Singing Ain't Nobody She sounded terrible And she deliberately done that So that I could get in Poor woman You know my mum was legend And I can say that with my chest

A legend right And the fact that she sounded so terrible We used to sing Ain't No Body In the pubs clubs By a mitzvets, weddings, funerals You name it Talk to me about that When did you start singing with your mum

At the age of nine Yeah I mean she took me on stage before that But from what I can remember was the age of nine, right? Yeah. And we were in Bahrain. We lived in Bahrain for a few months

because she was touring and she got me on stage with her band and stuff and I would just, she'd be like, I would be so scared to get on stage. The one tune I knew was at Randy Crawford's,

you might need somebody. I was a one trick pony and it's the only song I'd sing. Then it sort of like evolved into like singing more Al Green and of course Whitney Houston and Gladys Knight and all the old school people.

right and um and i and then i used to do gigs of her and then she sent me out to start doing gigs on my own from the age of 12 really yes 12 years old with her friends and they would accompany me they'd be even on the piano or playing a sax and i'd be the singer full 45 minute sets sometimes five get paid peanuts but it was all experience and building for me can i ask you because the other really weird connection that there was with shacko was stevie wonder yes oh my god yes yes So mad. CB came to my house. Yeah.

Well, my mum's house. I was like, what? Yes. Oh my God. I haven't talked about this. Oh, my God. That's so strange. So when my mom used to work for a guy that's basically like a second dad to be Chiro,

Chiro's pizza, Pomodora and Knightsbridge, right? Amazing Italian restaurant. I've been going there since I was a very young age. And Stevie Wonder and Lennox Lewis walks in. Lennox Lewis, yes. Yeah. Right. And then my mom's on stage singing and she's like, I'm not good at Stevie Wonder.

Anyway, so Stevie loves mum's voice. They go to church together and then he wants to sign me at 12. And then my mum wouldn't let him sign me. But he came to our house. He came to our house and was outside. I'll never forget. It was like he send us. My mum was like calling every single neighbour to come out.

And she was like, Stevie Wonder's coming. Stevie Wonder came to Islington. Stevie Wonder came to Islington. Good of the sake, Jesus, Lord. How have I not talked about this? And then he wanted to sign me and he's in the show. That is wild. Why have we not talked about these?

Oh my God. Yeah. But the other really nuts thing was that your mum said no. Yes. Yes. Because she was so scared of my age. But can I tell you something? Yeah.

I think she was right. Yeah, she was right. 100%. Imagine the life you would have had from 12. Yeah. I wouldn't have, I wouldn't be sat here. No. I promise you now.

She knew what she was doing. She wanted me to be a kid and rightly so. And... But it's still a great story. It's great story. Turn down, Steve. And even at 16 when I got told no, an X Factor. Yes.

Perfect timing. Yeah. Actually, turn down, Steve. Hold on. Let's say that out loud. My mum turned down Stevie. Wonder to sign me. Mental.

hilarious. Like no one would do. Right. Ever. And as a mum, you'd probably look at that opportunity and you'd go, I mean, I would if that was one of my babies. I would think, I've got to say yes. I've got to say yes. I've got to.

Yes, she was more concerned about my mental health and rightly so, as she should. And that's good parenting, right? That's, right? I could learn from that. What a mega mum? Yeah. And I say this as well to my friends,

like when I speak about it all the time, I'm like, you know what she's done what she needed to do on this earth? And God needed her home. And what helps me is that when she was sick, she kept saying, I just want to be my mum and dad. Yeah, she would say that at times. and she also would see her mom, my nun so it was a couple of dreams that she had

of my, actually, my granddaughter's wife I think was in the dream, but of them saying come home and she turned, I'm not ready yet. She told us that as well. So that she knew my mum, it's like she knew things weren't great but stayed very positive for us as a family, as for her kids. She always kept saying, don't mean you lot crying.

Don't be crying over me in her hospital. Proper Jamaican woman, don't you dare be coming in and cry? She was coming in, you'll be happy, you rejoice and we laugh and we talk. No crying. And then she would cry. We'd find out from the nurses that she was crying.

And that's what breaks me. But she'd done so much on this earth, baby, with soul to soul, what she gave us. It's incredible. Your mum's gone, no Stevie. Yeah, yeah. No, too young. I was upset because I was really just wanting to be like my mum.

Yeah. You know, she, on that phone call when he said it, she's in Australia. I'm in London, he's in L.A. It's a freeway call. And I make him sing on the phone because I'm like, well, it's obviously not you want to blow her, love, because you wouldn't be ringing me.

If you knew my mum, you'd be ringing there in Australia. Well, let me tell you something. He didn't start singing. He started singing. Isn't she lovely? On the fly. What? And I was like, so apologetic.

I'm so sorry. I disrespected you to do. So then my mum went, yeah, go on then. So you made Stevie Wonder sing. So you sing then. Sing the song that you wrote the other day. and I wrote a song with my mum called I want to be your girl

and they've ever been released and the chorus went I want to be your girl like a little R&B tune she might be singing it on the phone mortified and then he was like I want to talk to you

mum about signing you to Motown that's when I had to leave the conversations in my head I'm walking around the house going to granddad I'm going to get signed Shanice my sister I'm going to get signed

David I'm going to get signed mum rings it back yeah it's not happening you need to stay in school you've ruined my life That's what she got. You've ruined my life. How could you do this to me?

I could be a star. No, you're not ready to be a star. You're ready to be a teenager. And stay in school and be a child. You're going to be a child. And then she would say to me, imagine what you'd get up to, the influence you'd have around you.

At 12, how could I control that? Yes. And I just would be like, you said, well, what, what do you mean? I never understood it until I got into the business. And then I understood. And can we just also give your mum a bit of context because your dad wasn't around.

No, not really. No. You know, sadly. He's around now. Yeah. He wasn't, he wasn't an influence in the home. It was your mum basically. Mom and my grandmother and her own and your extra family, but really on your mummy.

Yes. Everything on mummy. Everything on mum. So you can understand. Like, it's like, how can I take care of you if you're off at 12? You know, I said this to Darren the other day. We're having a hard day with the kids and I turned to him and I said, my mum had to do this at four. Yeah.

We've got two. Yeah. Make that make sense. It is amazing. It's wild. Having kids and juggling a career, that's what she was doing, making all these sacrifices by not being there, by being on tour to make the money. I get it now.

What's one thing you'd love to be able to say you've done? Well, Monzo's sponsoring begin again to help us win some time back so we can do more of what we love. Like finally doing that thing. I wanted to know what that thing was for you. So, who have we got? So this is from Shelley in Portland. Leish. Widowed at 32, she discovered sea swimming while living in Perth. When she returned home to Landlock Port Leish, she started swimming in mountain waterfalls instead and founded the Mountain Mermaid's

community. During grief, I had this anewan voice every morning. Something terrible is going to happen today. You'll see. So I did something wild. I hyped up a mountain and I threw myself into a freezing waterfall. It was so cold. My brain went, see? second hold. And then silence. I literally tricked my brain with ice water. You don't always need to have your life together. You just need to jump. I loved what you said about the coldness of the water, quietening your mind and how healing nature is. Thank you for sharing that. I'm sure it will help so many people at what is a very difficult time in life. That was lovely. Monzo puts your money to work in the background. Sorted, saved, sent where it needs to go so you have got more time and headspace for the

things that you actually want to do? What have you always wanted to try? Or have you already gone and done it? Head to the link in the description and tell me your story. Monzo current accounts are for 16 plus and UK residents T's and C's apply. I love to dress up for you guys and I like putting an outfit together but what I don't love is getting to the end of the month going, hang on, actually how much have I spent? So let me show you this feature in Monzo, who are sponsoring Begin Again. I've got a prop phone here, so I don't show the world how much I spend on clothes. Now, in Monzo, you can create these things called Potts for whatever matters to you.

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My money's organised. My outfit is fabulous and, wow, that's a fabulous life. So download Monzo and make a pot for something you love. Monzo current accounts are for 16 plus and UK residents, tease and sees apply. You were shown singing, you were kind of like teased a bit with the possibility of signing to Motown

that got taken away from you. You were a bit upset. But at 16, you made a decision to leave school and go and pursue a career in music. Yes. How was your mum about that? Oh, upset.

She wanted me to have plan B. Yeah. My dad was furious with me. I never forget. I ripped up those college papers and I said it's not for me. I was actually 15 at the time turning 16, right? And I said to her, five is my lucky number. So I want you to give me five years. That's an odd amount of time. Well, I said, well, at 20, I can still go back to college. And I still be young enough to do it and get a job and then going to university. So I'm asking you to give me five years. Well, I won the show at 20. Wow. My mom couldn't believe it. She was like, you need a plan. I was like, I don't need a plan B. My plan B is plan A. My plan B is plan. I said, you've done it. I said, I want to be just like you. I want to be a mum and I want to be a singer. So let me get the singing, right? Let me meet the man of my dreams at some point and then let me become a mum. And here you are. And here we are. Right. You've done it all. And my dad was like, basically

used to say to me, you really think sing is going to work out. And I was like, I really believe it. It was like, you need to be a doctor or you need to be a lawyer. Those are the two things you want to be. And I was like, I don't. I do if it's, if it's the backup plan. but the A choice here is singing and you've got to support me on this and he's always been supportive, don't get me wrong, he just wanted me to have that plan B. My dad is, you know, he's a realist I guess in the way

and singing doesn't always work out for everyone. And he didn't want me work in the circuit for the rest of my life and doing pubs and clubs and stuff and I get that now that I look back. So what was amazing? Because that first year when you were 16 and he went for X Factor. So talk us through that experience.

So I'm really, that experience was hard because I wasn't really talking to my mum. So my mum and I stopped speaking for two and a half years, which was awful. And my dad stepped up in those two and a half years and was there for me, which was great. Which was great, right? And I was living with my ex at the time. And that's when I was going for a really bad relationship. She was talking about before, yeah.

So it was really bad. My mum didn't actually know what was going on. I never shared it with anyone. And I told her when I finally had the guts to leave him after I got hit one last time. Those kind of controlling people as well. They want to keep you away from people like your mum who keep you safe. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Little voices. Yeah. You don't need them. Yeah. And I just never forget. I've just never spoken about this, but I will today because it's helpful for others if they need to get out of these situations. I got dragged down the stairs one last time and I walked out barefoot, ran to a post, sorry, telephone box, which no longer ran anymore. And I rang my brother, David, and I said, get me home immediately.

and he sent me a car where I was, ordered me a pizza. And my mum walked in from a gig and said, I told you, you'd be back and I told you so. She was quite firm with me. God, that is good. Yeah, it was tough. And I told her, yeah, you were right. And I shared a single bed with my sister.

And I needed time. And I didn't tell my mum what I was going through. And then it was my mum that was like, you're auditioning for X Factor again. So when I was 16, I went on it. I went for X Factor, sorry, I moved forward quite quickly, but I went for X Factor and Louis Walsh at Judge's houses told me I was too young and I needed to go home.

And I'm so pleased. So how did you feel? Did you feel pleased straight away? No, God, no, I was heartbroken. I even went on, I want to say, was it called GMTV back then? Because it was GM TV and Dave Wreck was on one of those shows, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of them, I went on and I was like, if it was open to, they've opened up to 16-year-olds and, you know,

No 16-year-olds have gone through and it's really devastating and blah, blah, blah. But actually it was the right thing for me. Because I never would have been able to go back. Once you do the lives, they never let you come back if you don't win, right? So I was never going to win. It was Shane Ward's year and that was his time. And Louis and later, you know, years later, Louie actually said to me, I felt like you were going through and that's why I felt like you couldn't go through.

And he was right. He just didn't know what I was going through. Yes. And then I went back home two years later. 18 and a half, I think I was. Yeah, two and a half years later. And that's when my mum was like at 19, you're auditioning again. And I was like, no, there's no way can go back.

The shame and humiliation. I would never get through. And off she goes to Emirates, gets two of the numbers. And we miss the solo auditions. So she was like, we're going in as a band. And I went, well, what's our name then? Mother and daughter. I said, well, first of all, that's rubbish, isn't it?

Because who's going to believe that? We're called Mother and Daughter as a band. That's the worst name. You could think. She goes, well, it doesn't have to make sense. Nothing needs to make sense. I just need you to get through. Wait, so, wait, let me just get this right.

So you had missed the solo artists. Solo auditions. So you had to go as a band. Had to band. And your mum was like, I'm in a band with you. We're called mother and daughter. Yeah. Love her.

Right. Okay, good. Then she goes, we're singing. Ain't no body shack a calm. Because we sing in the pubs. And we knew the harmonies like, you know, like it was nothing to do with our eyes closed. She went, Alex, I'm going to sound like a dying cat.

That's how I'm going to sound. So she goes, yeah, and she was like, just acknowledged the fact that I sound awful and just make it look like, whatever. So acting skills have got to come into place so she's giving it large. And I'm looking at it like, you're mental.

And then they go, right, right, stop, stop, stop, so stop. So this is front of producers, not the actual, not in front of cameras. Yes. And they went, oh, we're not too sure about this. And we think we're going to say yes, to daughter, no to mum. And split you guys up.

And she went, and that was always the plan. Flicked her hair, walked out. I thought, Jesus Christ, take the wheel. What's she doing? And I was just embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I thought, this is never going to work. And then a lady come up to me and says, you need to come back tomorrow wearing the same outfit

and we're auditioning you by yourself. So off I go, wash the outfit. My sister got me from Primark. It was fantastic. Got me a little hairpiece, tied it up. And go back the next eight, nine o'clock. They didn't see me until nearly 7pm. They said, make sure you're here by 9.

by nine, they're before nine. Mum's there with me, the whole family, they were waiting the whole day. They let everyone audition have me waiting the whole day. I'm the last person they audition.

And as I walk in, they go, Simon goes, I've met you before. And I went, yes, years ago, but yes. And Libby goes, you were a part of my team.

And I said, yes, it was me. And then I actually sung Arefa Franklin Natural Woman. Oh, yes. Which they never aired. And then Simon says, I don't want to hear that song.

I said, well, okay, well, that's the audition. So I'm like, no, no, now. I want to hear what you sung three years ago. Because I want to compare. And I thought, oh, okay. So that's why the audition, when you see it, I start going, and I clear my throat because I've already just been singing. So now I sing, saving all my love for you, Whitney Houston.

And then it all erupted in the room. And it was amazing. And then the full circle moment is, then my first. ever theatre show is then playing Whitney Houston in Bodyguard. So I audition with Shaka, that's my first ever originating role. Then that audition in front of the cameras is Whitney.

That's my first ever role in theatre. Oh, it's just the universe has been... Do you get where I'm going with this? It's so kind to me. Wait, and can I just say something? I think it wasn't the final... I think it was something like 8 million votes

were cast. Yes. Yes. And you got over 50% of them. Did I? Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, I've got, God, go to go.

Wow. I remember hearing 8 million votes. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, mind-blowing. And I wasn't favourite to win. I don't know if you know that. I wasn't the favourite to win.

No, no, no. Can I just say something? No. Beyonce. Oh, God, can we talk about it. I've got to say, I can't tell you how many times I've watched that. Yeah. Just because of the joy of seeing your face.

And you're going... In disbelief. You're going... She's singing and I go, oh, yeah, no. No, I know, I know. But how lucky am I right? No, when you really think about it.

No, but can I tell you something so cute? There'll be people in I'm every woman going... Oh! You know what I mean? They'll be going to do the same thing about you. Oh, that's really good. But like, I also feel like,

um, watching Watching that clip of you and Beyonce on X Factor and listening to your voice which was freaking amazing but what's interesting is listening to you now in I'm Every Woman in comparison to even what you were with Beyonce

how far you've come since then I mean you were absolutely breathtaking then I can from when I listen to like for example Hallelujah yeah Oh my God Can I just say Hallelujah was I was lucky to get that cheats.

Extraordinary. I love the way you keep saying you're lucky. But you know why? It's not my version of the song. Can I be honest who it is? My mum's. She recorded it on the dicta van and said this is how you're going to sing it.

So it's not my take. It's my mum's take. I'm just delivering what she told me to do. Yeah. I used to write, I've kept a diary since I was nine. Have you? It was diary since I was nine. I've got all of them.

Is it brilliant going back? It's strange because some of them I'm upset with my mum. Yeah. She's away again. She's not here. And then you see the relationship with Shaka and her daughter. Yes. And why it triggers me and why I'm in tears.

Yeah. Because that is a reflection of what I went through with my mum. And I'm playing it on stage. But now as the mum feeling sorry for the daughter going, oh, I get why you're upset. I get why you're upset because now I've been there. And it's so tough. And that's what I'm saying after the show,

I will have to do therapy just. to release how I feel because a lot's coming up for me and it's the method acting that's not really helpful but it is helpful because I'm doing a job I'm not a trained actress

so I have to go with gut and method acting to deliver but I've got no techniques because I've not learned any do I mean I've got nothing or you've got nothing to protect yourself

yeah and that's where I struggle because it's a challenging role like you know I've been blessed with roles but none of them are a story of someone that's here and playing in front of them Can we just talk about it?

She came the first night. What was that like? That was wild. Okay. Like, so she was there and God bless her. She's tired, you know. Just landed. She's promoting her album, you know, and she looks fantastic, by the way.

Wow. And I could just, and smelling her, I was like, you smell amazing. And I was just like, how are you doing this? And she was like, I'm tired. And then she called me her spiritual daughter. And I never forget when we were in rehearsals And she turned up once She just kept saying to me,

You remind me of me And she just kept touching my face And she goes, you actually could be my daughter And I was like, oh my God, like, what a woman. And I just kept saying to her When she was there the other night And she said, I'm tired, I'm tired. I was like, yeah, but I got you.

We've all got you. We're going to hold you up tonight. And I said, you're tired because it's well you're about to see your life on stage And that is overwhelming. You don't want to see this. But you're, We need the constructive criticism.

We need to know where we've gone wrong, maybe. We need to know if we're delivering you this right. It's your story. And your story has to be shared to inspire other people. And she just looked at me and she's like, okay, you're right? I said, yeah, we're all here to support you. But she must have been so grateful that as you because those words are just what she would have needed to hear. Maybe, but I also can't imagine how she was feeling.

Yeah. And you know how heavy her show is, her life is. or has been, and you're about to witness it, and we don't do it halfway. Like, we are going full out. And then I said to her, I tell you, well, this is going to lift you up. I'm going to bring my kids out.

Well, that lifted her. My youngest just kept going, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. Really? Are you serious? Oh, God, yeah. Oh, my.

You're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. Stroking her hair. Oh. They know who she is. They know who she is because I play her music. I play her videos now. And they go, it's mommy.

It's like, no, no, no, no, this is not mommy. I'm playing her. Try a make them understand. And they're not understanding. But then they saw her and they went, it's mummy and Shakakan. And I was like, okay, so now you're getting in the same room. The same room. They were very confused at first because they were going, Mommy, Mommy.

And I was like, no, that's not me. And it was just amazing. It was just like she was really lovely with them. And I just got a picture of them. And I thought to myself in 20 years when I show you guys this. They're not going to believe it. Wow. Yeah.

What a moment. Yeah. How old are they now? Okay. So is this okay? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

One. Okay, so they're both boys. Thank you. I'm just going to say it because it's really hard to just, you know, like. Can we just discuss what you've just done there? Because just in case anybody is watching and they don't know how private you are and how much you guard your children's safety and privacy. And I respect you and down so much for that. But it's very important having children, especially when you both.

famous. Yes. You know what that entails. Yeah. And I think for us, like, it's the one thing that was for us. Yeah. So we've never revealed their genders. And of course, I post them, put little hearts in their faces. It's quite clear that they're boys, but I've never actually said it in public, right? And it's only simply because of protecting them. But also protecting us in that little bubble. We were in such a gorgeous, we still are in that little bubble and when they were first born they're only they're 14 months in between the eldest is four the youngest is just about to turn three and I'm not going to lie to here without having my mum there are tough Darren's mum's in Ireland so I don't even have my mother-in-law there

his family are all the way over there my family are scattered and it's like we've got no one so we've got to try our best to make do with cousins and family people that can come in in in their own time to help us out because we don't really have anyone to help. And people have lives, right? So you can only depend on people when you can, well, when they're free. And I remember being asked about this. And I can say this now with a smile without crying, because I've not got hormones racing around my body, but I got asked on loose women, why are you so protective? And I just burst in tears. And I'd just given birth to my second born at the time, I think it was. And I remember being quite tearful about it,

because I was so protective over them. And now I'm just like, I said to Darren the other day, I'm like, it's so hard for me to not say their boys. I'm proud of them. I'm proud of my boys. And it's so lovely to finally say that, do you know what I mean? You are being protective. Yeah.

And that's a lovely thing. So we don't show their faces. No one knows the names. I've never released a picture of my children ever. My middle child, my middle child wanted to go public at 19. Right. And that's okay. My other two don't want to.

Okay. And you can't find pictures of them online anyway. There you go. And that's all right. 19 and 24. There you go. And it's nice for them. Yes.

You know, my daughter, my daughter works in an NHS hospital and nobody knows who she is. When they get older, if they say, oh, I want to have an Instagram and do whatever, that's absolutely your choice. You do you, darling. You do what you want. But for now, I'm enjoying this. I'm enjoying the fact that they don't really know what I do. they think I just have some makeup on and go on stage and sing. And they don't really understand this.

They don't really get it yet. Do I mean? They're not at an age where they get it. They just go to me, Mommy, are you going to go and be Shakakan today? And I go, yes, baby. And then they cry at the door going, I want to come, I want to. And I'm torn.

It's really hard because it's quite a heavy show that I don't want them to watch, but they've seen bits of it twice. And then sometimes, well, my eldest boy goes to me, because he gets it. He watches Panto and stuff like that. And he came to see me play Captain Hook last year. obsessed with Panto, obsessed and goes to me to this day, months later, Mummy, if you're not Chaka Khan, are you going to be Captain Hook?

I'm like, no, baby, that's done as well. You're like the coolest person. Honestly, they think I'm really cool and it's really lovely, but it's nice because they don't get it. They just think Mummy dresses up and sings, I feel for you, which is their favourite tune, and then they get up and they start break dancing on the floor because in the video they've got break dancing,

and they're copying it all. So if they're not in the music, industry, I will be shocked because they've got some rhythm. I'll tell you that now, I'll show you some videos after this. They are so special. They're so wonderful. You know, it's funny, I was telling you about boys the other night. Yeah.

When my son took my head in his hands when he was a little kid. And he used to look at me and I used to think, don't think I've ever been loved like this. Right. Right. Can we talk about that? Yeah. So I sleep with my eldest. Yeah.

To just make sure he sleeps, right? Oh, I did a really good interview with Catherine Ryan, and she was talking about it's a good thing. To co-sleep. To let your kids feel safe. Thank you. I want Darren to hear that. Yeah, Darren.

Because he, right. Darren. Because he tells me off. He's like, you need to start. This was a conversation last night. And I got a little bit upset. It won't happen forever. That's what I say to hear.

It's temporary. They're not going to be in your bed when they're. It's because he misses me. He tells me that and he's like, Alex, I miss you. And I want you back in our room and I'm like, yeah, but baby, you snore. I got to figure that out, darling, because I need to sing. And if I ain't sleeping, that ain't working. But then I'm not sleeping with my eldest son because I'm not getting good quality sleep is what I mean.

I'm getting a little, a solid amount of four to five hours max I get a night probably if I take myself to bed by midnight because he's up by five. So I'll give you the difference between my two sons. The eldest is so like me, a thousand miles per hour, energy. Jetty, bam, bam, bam, everything's, go, go, go, go. And that's because when I think it's because, anyway, when I was pregnant with him, I was doing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. So he was hearing, it was red and all the time,

hearing a live band. So he's all about the music. He's like lively, da-da-da, always comes to the gym with me in the morning. So when I'm mad for him in training, he's upstairs. And I've got vigils of him with his little plastic weights go, come on, Mommy, we're strong, we can do this together. I'm your best friend. That's what he says to me.

It's amazing. And then my youngest is now getting into the dark. dancing thing, right? So he's starting to, but he's chill. He's like Darren. Darren's very relaxed. Everything he takes in his stride. Nothing bothers him. That's my younger son. So I've got one like me, one like Darren. But it's so funny how they both are together and boys together are on fire. Yes. Right? The energy. They keep me on my toes. I've lost weight because of them. I'm like, I'm just like, these two are wild and now we want more. They have to run them ragged. Yes, you do. And even then, it still doesn't work.

It doesn't what. So I don't know what's going to make them work. So I just bought, um, do you know, calms? Oh yeah. They've got a kid's one. Yeah. And I said to Darren, wonder if we should start giving them this because I have calms all the time, which is great.

But Darren's like, no, they're boys. It is what it is because he's got a brother. He gets it, right? But I just think, and this is, I've got to say this. I never thought I'd meet someone on an online dating site. And that's how I met Darren. And I have to give thanks to my manager, Nathan, for making me go there. Okay, with signing up for the site and actually agreeing.

to meet up with Darren, okay, because it's all on him. I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't know who he was when I met him. I had no idea. It's probably quite good for him. He said he was an astronaut and a dolphin trainer. Darling, I believed him. Wait! Wait, I love that.

I'm going to give a chair. Oh my God. It said, on that site, he's an astronaut and a dolphin trainer, and I went, this is fucking brilliant. What a guy! Right. Six months up there, six months stand there. I've seen for six months. No, I sound like an astronaut.

absolute word. No, but can I tell you something? I sound like an idiot. This will make you feel better. Somebody told me once that they'd taken the word gullible out of the Oxford Dictionary. And I went, really? That's what I'm so.

See? Okay. Okay. We have a great connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believed him, called Nathan and went, my manager, who I talk about all the time. Guess what I've found?

Babe, this handsome man's just come up. He's an astronaut and dolphin trainer. It's amazing. Don't have to see him for six. six months because he'd be up there. Alexandra, like the two go together. I said, what? What? Why can't they? And he was like, Alex, Alex,

and we really having this conversation, Alex. I was like, here we are, because I believe, is it not real? And he went, I'm going to Google him. So he did. Darling, he's the goalkeeper for West Ham. I said X. No, don't want to footballer. Go away. Did you? So I exed him three times. Three times because I was so burnt.

by picking the wrong men that I painted in with the same brush. You just thought, oh, it must be. No, get away from that. I can understand that because I think historically we look at footballers and they must be naughty. And that's not always the case.

No, no two humans are the same. And called Nathan, I went, oh God, this hot, he's come up again. This is another fourth time. And he went, Alex, you can't paint everyone with the same brush. He's coming up for a reason. Just press the heart button and see if you connect.

Well, press the hard button. Then we connect. Bang. That went, well, I'm not talking to him. I'm not talking to him. He's not going to hear from me. And I heard from him first. It took me four months to meet up with him

because I was so nervous. And I took him to where I used to take my mum for picnics in Hampstead. And we went on a dog walk when we were finally allowed to like meet up outside and stuff. And the rules had all changed because it's during COVID. And I took all four more, all of my dogs. And I thought, let me bring a handful here. Let me see how he goes. Let me see what he's like.

He handled this. Dog whisperer. He had my puppy off a lead. So what are you doing? So what you doing? You and don't worry about it. I went, well, don't worry about it. I've just met you.

What you mean don't worry about it? And what got me was his Irish accent. So, of course, I knew he was Irish. And then when he sent me a voice note, I went wild because he sounded so sexy. God, how gorgeous. But also, he's a good guy. He's been raised, right?

His parents have done a fantastic job on both of them, him and his brother. Yeah. And the top, the creme de la creme is he's a fantastic father. I never forget the day I told him I was pregnant. Oh my God, he was cooking me my favourite meal, Spag Bowl. Can I just wait?

Can I just... I thought I couldn't love you more. So your favourite meal? Don't. But you just said Spag Bowl. Spag Bowl, yeah. My favourite. It's my favourite.

Yeah. We have it at least once week. You make it. Homemade. Oh yeah. All the time. And you do the freezer bags. Babes?

Yes. Yes. Yes. The one thing I do want to try. I sent it to Darren. I saw this real on Instagram. I know I sound like an idiot. But I want to try it when you put like paper on the table,

you pour out the spaghetti on the table, put the sauce on top and everyone just digs in. That's what I want to do. So I want to do it with the kids. That's a great idea. I think it's fun. Yeah, it's fun for the children. The boys will be like that.

Yeah. So I think we'll try that next week. Just got to get a night off. It's never could happen. I'll try it after Shaka. After Shaka. On a Friday night when I'm home. That's what we'll do after shack.

I've said your photos. But yeah, he's an amazing dad. And he's such a gorgeous human. Isn't it interesting how when somebody is a great parent to their kids, how attractive. Yes. That is. 100% beautiful thing, isn't it? It really is.

It really is. And don't get me wrong. Look, we all know relationships take work. It takes effort. It has its ups. It has its downs. We've never had a full-on-blown argument. We've been together five years.

I refuse to raise it. my voice. I refuse. And he knows that. If we have an issue, we discuss it as adults. We're raising your voice for it. Don't shout at me. I'm not shouting at you. It's healthy. And always respect each other within these discussions. You never swear. You don't, none of that attitude. Don't know one needs to me that. Talk. Speak. Find a solution. Get on with it. That's my attitude. And he loves that about me. Because I refuse. I refuse to have a shout in match of you. A, because I don't have the energy for it

and B, I'm not going to lie to you, that. I'm not losing my voice for an argument with a man, not a chance. I want my partner to be my best friend. Yeah. Right? And kids came quick for us. We'd never been on the holiday together by ourselves. We've only together eight months.

We were saving embryos. In the middle of that, I got the call. And my GP said to me, my doctor said to me, do you really want me to find out through your bloods if you're pregnant? Because you're giving me vibes that you are, and I turned to and said, you ain't Jesus. You don't know if I'm pregnant, darling. I ain't pregnant.

So we're saving these embryos, darling. I'm not ready for a child. A few hours later. Someone's got a different idea. Absolutely. A few hours later, I never forget. I was wiping off my makeup in that bathroom. And I sat there.

I stripped my clothes off ready to get in that shower. She calls me. And because my doctor's like a friend as well. I looked at the phone, forgetting that I'd been at the doctors, I wondered what she wants. Guddable me, right? Silly old me. I remember looking at the phone.

I remember going, are you okay? Why are you ringing me at this hour? And that's exactly what I said. And she went, you don't know why I'm ringing you. And I went, are your kids okay? You okay? Everything okay?

Everything's fine, Alex. Are you sitting down? I said, that can be. I'm back to walking the shower. But she goes, you might want to sit down. So I sat down and I'm like, right, I'm sad. She goes, you have no idea why I'm ringing you. I said, no, I don't know.

I don't understand what the problem is. I'm such an idiot. Honestly, sometimes I don't even in the real world. She goes, darling, you are very, very pregnant. And I remember dropping that phone, screaming, crying, going, no, I can't be. It's not now. It's not the time. I need my mum.

I need my mum. Oh, Alex. And I couldn't stop crying. Oh, Alex. Yeah. I was like, I can't. I'm not going to look after baby. And she went, this is not your doctor speaking now.

This is your friend. You're having that fucking baby. You've prayed for a good man. All you've talked to me about is it you want the right man. I've met him. I love him. I love him for you. You've finally done it. Everything you've prayed for you've got and you're telling me no. I'm not letting you not have this baby. You're having this baby. And then she goes, I'm speaking. She was a mother. And she gave it to me. Oh, my God. And I remember shaking telling Darren, because I remember giving him, giving it to him saying, I'm not ready for a child. We're not having a child right now. Let's wait. I've got this big job coming up. Especially for doing sister acting How was he? How was he?

He was chopping up them onions And I remember Strapping the pregnancy test To a rose Because he always Doesn't do as much in the more Hint, hint But he always buying me flowers weekly

I think you know Look kids are you know They're here And there's a lot going on But he used to buy me lilies and roses My favourites every single week If I fail So I pinched one of the roses

And I strapped it around I couldn't think of anything creative and then I basically tied it around the rose and I said, just stop chopping them onions for a minute and he's singing away to the blood song. I said, Alexa, stop. Stop, let me say, are you listening to me? I said, please, I've got something to tell you

and I really want to tell you something. Please stop chopping them onions and close your eyes and hold your hands out. It's all right, Alex. Puts his glass and wine down. Hold his hands out, close. What is it now? And I put the rose in his hands.

And he just looked up and he went, no. No. I said, yeah. yeah he was like you're pregnant i was like yeah and it's my lucky number we're five weeks gone and he just gave me the biggest hug and he went but why do you look so sad unless i'm scared so i'm not ready so i don't know if i'm ready for my life to change that much like i'm not sure how ready i am given birth scares me and he was like it's going to be fine everyone's going to be fine everyone's going to be fine i've got you everything's going to be fine

said but what about I work and that's all I could think about was but what about work? How am I going to make money? If I'm pregnant he was like Prencences doesn't stop a woman from working you can work you stop when you're ready I said alright

but there's one big job I've got to give up and I had to give it up because I was due the two weeks before we were opening and I was good and I had the thought process of actually giving birth and going maybe I could still do it and they were like my agent was like now you're so like me yeah my agent was like what if you have a

cesarian and what if you can't move? You don't know how your birth plan's going to go. You cannot sign up for this. You've not even been announced, it's fine. But you and I are self-employed and I know that there's no way I could have taken a year out. How long was it before you had to go back to work? Just under two months. I went back and done a gig.

My first gig was in Monaco at a private event, took the baby with me. Yeah. I used to take baby to Big Brother. Oh yeah, see. Breastfeeding in between. Oh, God, same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gosh, right.

So, and this is where I say, again, lucky, really like, blessed to have amazing people in my life. I went and got the passport in time for myself and my newborn, went to Wondico done a gig and I thought, oh, wow, like, this is okay. I got back on, it wasn't easy. I didn't even know if I had a voice and then went back on tour. Oh, your voice, did your voice change? Yeah. Did it? Completely changed.

Changed even, it was even worse on the second pregnancy. I had to re-record my whole album. My vibrato was funny. I just couldn't sustain the power. Had no power on the second baby. First one, I was pregnant and felt powerful during the pregnancy, doing eight shows a week. I stopped at eight and a half months,

gave birth two weeks later after coming off tour. Another little bit of a regret. I should have probably stopped sooner, but I was so in love with the show. And I was in a happy place. Actually, maybe it's not a regret. But I wanted more time with Darren. And I didn't get more time with him.

Two weeks later, here's the firstborn. And then seven months later, I'm like, right, ready to get my life back. You know, I was in Panto with Dawn French. It was amazing at the Palladium. I'm breastfeeding in between scenes and my baby's at he's there. And it's wonderful. I mean, you're not supposed to be able to get pregnant while your breastfeeding. Well, darling, I did.

I remember, I remember going on a little diet just to get myself back into shape. And I called my manager and went, I'm not going to lie, this is exactly. I said, I've lost a fucking pound in a week. I was like, what is this shit? I said I should have lost at least two to three pounds this week. I've nailed it. I've stuck to the plan. I've drank me water.

Then Darren drank a coffee. And I went, and I was like, oh my God, hold on. I've stopped drinking coffee now for two weeks because I don't like the taste. Hold on, whoa, this is exactly what happened the last time, the smell. And I turned down and I said,

you are making me feel sick. Can you move from me? Please. Can you move? Because you just drank a coffee. Oh my God, I think I'm pregnant again. He went, no, you're not pregnant. Alex. I'm on. It's ridiculous.

You can't get pregnant when you breastfeeding. Lies and deceit. Lies and deceit. I got pregnant. And then again, I'm not going to lie to you. I cried again. Yeah. Not ready.

Too soon. Seven months. My baby was seven months. And I was like, how am I going to cope? And also, I think you asked yourself that question of how am I going to love to? too. Thank you. How do I magnify the life?

Thank you. And weirdly, I've done this weird thing that I've never watched back. We were keeping a little video vlog of our firstborn so we could show him things when he's older. I whacked out that camera

and I filmed an apology video for my son saying I'm sorry I'm not going to have the energy all the time to give you everything I want to give to you because now I'm pregnant with another baby and I just wanted to apologize to you now that you'll never know how sorry I am

that I won't have the time or the energy, then I feel sick. I was very sick on my second pregnancy. Really? What with that proper... Oh. Oh, of course you had preaclancia. And they didn't catch it, yeah?

Yeah, and that was really, really, very dangerous, right? For you and for the baby. Yeah. So I had to deliver a month early. Yeah. That was very scary. And also I didn't realize how sick I was until Darren only told me, I think three months ago

he said did you know how we had an open conversation and I said to him and now want you to tell me how bad it was now that we're past it and I'm back to one in another baby now that I'm safe and we've been cleared and he said it was bad to the point where I'd probably tell you if you don't want one I'd be happy with you're not having anymore and I was like what you want six kids

what do you mean I was that bad and he was like you nearly died like it is life in gas for a great cancer it's very serious I didn't realize and I think I was in a little bit of denial and I never forget it was meant to be having my baby shower the day that I delivered and I was like they were like what you know we need to keep you in and I was like you're not giving me in so I tried to discharge myself and all of a sudden I couldn't see all these nurses are rushing in

they had migraine couldn't open my eyes and about seven eight nurses rushing in and literally put me strap me on the bed and said you cannot leave you have to deliver this baby in the next 24 hours and that's like you're all so dramatic I just didn't know So lucky. Yeah. But now I'm ready for more. I'm not really right now now.

I want to start trying in maybe a year. You can never plan these things, of course. But I'd love more. I love a gang. I've got three. There you go. Do you just think that three is perfect? Well, I always say to people,

you know when you're done. You will have a baby. Amazing. And you will go, I'm done. Okay. Okay. And if you're going, maybe I'll have one more. then you're probably not done.

I'm not done. I'm not done. Desperate for more. When you have your final child, you will know it's your final child. Okay, love that. And you won't know you've had your final child until you have your final child.

Okay, okay. And I don't want to regret it either by not having more. No. Or not trying at least. And what a privilege, because, you know, I read about these stories all the time where women are trying for so long. Yeah.

And we felt naturally. I remind Darren of that. When we, when times are hard, and we're going through it and we're in the trenches. I look at it and I say, baby, remember, remember, we didn't plan this. The plan was made for us and we're here with this blessing. And I never forget, we've also got six dogs. Did you know that?

We've got six dogs. Right, I'm going to let that land of you. I just say, if you ever want a dog sitter. Please, babe, we actually need them. If you're ever going away on holiday. Yes. Or anything. Yes.

And I say to Darren, it's a house full of love. Yeah. It's a house for the life. You are leading a beautiful life. Yeah, and it's what I've prayed for. Yeah. We were walking in the forest the other day. I'd done a matinee. I'm going to do a Thursday matinee and I get to have the evening with the kids.

And I race back to make sure that they had their dinner. So Darren fed them. And I said, right, we're all going out to the forest. Let's all go. All the dogs, kids, adults, let's go, move. All get in our car. Off we go to the forest. And I remember standing back, Darren's running with the two German shepherds.

The other puppies and everyone are following behind. And the kids are running going, come on. Pickles, Panda, follow, follow, follow. And I stood back and I went, this is what I pray for. And I remind Darren all the time, this is what we've prayed for. We prayed for a family

and we prayed for a house full of love and we have exactly that. So when times are hard, keep reminding yourself of your blessings because they're in front of you. They're right there. And I know like I'm every woman is ending in 10 weeks. Yes, yes.

And then you'll need a break. Yes, a little break. What do you want? If I'm honest, I love theatre because it's the joy of not knowing what's going to happen every single night. Do you know what I mean? That that is exciting to me. Every night's different. Every night's different.

But my heart is with music. Yes. I want to get back to my music. My heart is with doing more TV and film because I love dip in my tummy. I've done one movie, done one TV drama. I won an award for that, got nominated for a movie. I mean. I just, I'm so, I was so proud of those moments.

And for someone who's not trained, again, lucky girl. I just want to say something. What I see in you now is like a very attractive self-confidence, not in a cocky way. Just you are sure of yourself. And that's a great place. Okay. And I tell you how that place came. Yeah.

I was struggling for years, not understanding my purpose on this. earth when mum passed. I didn't know why I needed to be here anymore if I'm honest with you. Really? Yeah. Because I worked for her. I had done it all for her. It was all for her.

It was all because she gave the family so much that when she left her, like, so what am I doing all this for? Why am I here? What's the point? Yeah. And I know that's really maybe, I think my family will find that hard hearing me say that. But it's my truth.

Like, she was my purpose. day and day out the reason why I got up to breathe was her and then my kids came oh my god I understand my calling my kids have giving me a new lease of life a reason to live a reason to keep going a reason to fight for what I want so only in the past four years I've gone I know what I want I'm going to achieve it And there's work to be done. You never stop working. You never stop working. You never stop trying.

And when one door closes, because they will, you fight for another. And it's so amazing that since I've been children, I finally got my originating role. Finally, finally, because I just feel like they've given me, they've given me a new lease of life to believe in myself. And I know that when roles turn up and I turn to my manager, I'm like, Nathan, Gavin, I just don't think I could do this.

And that is a self-belief thing that I'm really, really going to keep working on because I think you can keep working on that as the older you get in any age and it's one thing I knew Luther Vandross used to do singing lessons to his dying day he used to work on himself oh god yeah used to do all the time and that's why I say room to improve there's always room to improve never get complacent right you know you know I'm I love what you I I keep seeing you yeah and I keep thinking throughout your whole career I've thought Jesus wept she's amazing like wow that's incredible And then five years later, I go, oh God, I think she's better.

Oh, I love that. And then five years later. Oh, my God. You blew my mind at the theatre. But what you just said about your kids giving you purpose and then me thinking about the fact that they didn't come at the right time, but they did. They did. Yeah, they did.

They really did. They needed those. I needed them kids, yeah. And they were one day understand how much I needed them to survive, yeah. to not to not to not to not think any other thought then I need to be here still you know and the and the and the thing is my mum used to work with a lot of children helping to develop them and within the arts right and I've carried that on um by starting a foundation for my mum the Melissa yeah so just tell me about the foundation well what's it called it's called the Militabel Foundation and it's to help underprivileged kids go to Sylvie Young School somewhere I couldn't afford to go and Sylvia god bless her was a part of this and she used to be to help me and sadly she's recently passed away but we put kids through a summer scholarship there in hope that they'll

continue to stay there if they're picked right and I just want to help others because I've been given that that door that opened through X Factor and of course it's not a guaranteed career

but my mum was my biggest champion that made sure that I knew that this door would close but the next one will open and that's what I want to teach children that I can hope for help in the future and my kids to not give up. I honestly can't kind of get over you. Like you are every woman.

You see what I did that? Yeah, baby. Oh my God, I just impressed myself. Come on, brilliant. No, honestly, like you've got a gift but in all the ways it's not just acting and singing. It's a gift of hope. That's what I feel in you. Thank you.

I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing what you did today. I know you're a private person. And you will have changed lives. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel safe enough to speak. I mean, it's been my honour to be here. Do you? Me too.

Stay there. I am coming to hug you for an embarrassingly long time. You're like me. So just in case you missed this episode here, If you love this episode, I know you're going to love that.