Begin Again with Davina McCall - Begin Again Moments: How To Communicate When Love Gets Hard

Episode Date: September 27, 2026

In this episode of Begin Again Moments, we explore how better communication can help couples navigate conflict and find their way back to each other. Relationship therapist Karen Doherty and relationship expert Paul C. Brunson join Davina McCall to share practical advice for navigating arguments, understanding your partner’s triggers and communicating with more kindness, honesty and empathy. Karen explains why seemingly small frustrations can become emotional triggers in a relationship, how repeated arguments can slowly wear away at intimacy, and why choosing the right moment for difficult conversations can make all the difference. Paul explores how couples can rebuild struggling relationships through therapy, self-reflection and better communication. He shares a simple but powerful way to approach conflict: instead of seeing an argument as you versus your partner, learn to see yourselves as a team facing the problem together. Both conversations offer hopeful, practical relationship advice for anyone wanting to feel closer, communicate better and protect the love that’s still there. To hear the full conversations, watch the complete episodes on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcasts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Discover coffee plus on nispresso.com. What other kind of triggers can people go through? Because you said like people often have five, you know, like old past like hang-ups that they carry through. I mean, after abuse or something like that? Yes, but they're not sort of the day-to-day triggers. They are, they're sort of more deeply embedded and they live there all the time. They need work. The triggers that I'm talking about are the sort of ones that get, you know, stupid triggers.

Like leaving the dishwasher, for example. You know, how many times have people mentioned the dishwasher? Oh, really? Oh, my God. How many times I do the dishwasher? And then he or she comes and changes the dishwasher. And off they go in the kitchen. Why do you have to do that?

Why can't you just leave it? I mean, it's a trigger. Because there's a need for order. There's a need for order in one mind that is not the same as the order in another mind. Yes. Let it go. But people can't.

They get triggered. But I was just going to say, like, you know, have you had people going, well, that's easy for you to say, but it drives me fucking mad. Yeah. How can you get out of that? Well, then we have to talk about,

where's your capacity to tolerate? Come on, let's have a think about. How do you make this environment, this couple environment, more able to tolerate both of you? Come on, we've all got quirks. We're all different. We've all got these little bits and pieces.

How do we meet, how do we get to acceptance of those without them being triggers, without them, you know, understanding. actually, you know, I'm not going to say that now because it's just come in, I will give him 10, give him, you know, or oh, it's that time of the month, so I know that she's not feeling very well and I won't mention that today, I'll do it later, maybe I'll go and get a bunch of flowers, something,

just having an awareness of each other's triggers actually de-escalates so often what could have become something ridiculous. And the point is those escalations within a couple, they are they're exhausting and they wear away at the very they wear away at the patience of the couple they wear away at the tolerance and then you've got this again

that's when the couple just starts to move away from each other because they can't be bothered but if there is an intention to sort of find out actually what can I do not to trigger let's think about that I mean, I have people sort of, if they've had a bicker, if they've had a bicker, you know, separate. And then the next day, can we have a process conversation? Yes.

Can you tell me, please, exactly what it was that triggered you. Okay, yes. Because I don't want to do that again. Yes. Oh, wow. So, yes. That's so nice because that's saying, I know I triggered you. I don't want to do that again.

I don't want to do it. Yeah. Please just tell me. That's such a nice way of coming about it rather than go, you triggered me. No, no, no, no. I did it. Oh, yeah. I did it. Please. Please. What was it? Just tell me. I don't want that to happen to us. And if I know, then maybe I can avoid it. And that really works. And also, I think if somebody said that to me, I'd be so appreciative. I'd go, thank you for. Yeah. Couples like it. They like it. They like it. They like it. They're starting to get to know each other again. Because don't forget with the general, I don't know, life, it's too busy. People don't get, they get to know.

each other, you know, they're together before the kids come along and they know they know each other then and this wonderful, you know, full flows of limerence and free and enjoy. Do whatever. You want. Do whatever. Yeah. Spontaneous sex happens all the time. Yeah. Everywhere. Everywhere. Nobody, nobody's thinking about it. But don't worry when your kids leave home, it all happens again. It does. I've got lots of people that, you know, really, really, they can rekindle after that, you know, they can get back to normal. But yes, that's, yeah, it's that sort of, it's getting to know each other, keeping in touch with each other. Well, have you developed that cough? Where did that come from? Is that that vapour? What are you doing? How is it, is that good for you? Or I know you're trying to give up. That feels caring, right? Yes. It's not like lecturing. No. That's coming from love. No, from love. Yes. The nagging. That's, you know, that sort of constant, constant repetition. That doesn't necessarily have. have to happen. There can be a different way of communicating. Because those, those, those, those, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, all the time just wears away at the fabric of the, the bond.

It's exhausting as well. Yeah, it can be. It can be. You know, when you wake up the next day and that's been. Yeah. And you open your eyes. It's like, oh, here we go again. We've done this. Yeah. I'm another, that's another rule that I have no talking at night. No, no deeper meanings at night. No. Oh, no deep and meaningfuls at night. No. Oh, no. Meaningful in the bed? No deeper meaningfuls in the bed. Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, I guess then the bed becomes a hostile place. Yes. Or not a hostile, but you know, like a not a sexy place. Not a sexy place, not a kind place. It can discombobulate those deeper meaningfuls. Somebody's tired. So something needs to happen. Like if you're going to have a deeper meaningful, you need to make an appointment in a different room.

Come on, emotional check. Let's go somewhere else. Let's sit down. Yeah. Had this on, with Ben Branson on the hidden 20%. She said, well, I can't go to bed if the argument is still alive. And I said, but what about your wife? She's got three kids all day.

She can't have a deeper meaningful. 11 o'clock at night. No, that can't happen. He wasn't happy about it. But he did, you know, he took it on. He said, actually, you know, I've always been told that you can't go to bed on an argument. But actually, perhaps sometimes it's better to leave it until everybody's fresh. And not take it into that bedroom.

Calculating route to avoid. Avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away, then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at United Wayg.org. Splend wellness into your coffee routine with the coffee plus range infused with functional benefits.

Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function, and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight. Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover coffee plus on espresso.com. There must be a percentage of people that are dissatisfied, but would love to try and make it better.

They still love that person. These are people where I always talk about love like a pilot light. You meet someone, the flame is really strong, right? And it's burning hot and you're like hot and passionate and it's all new and everything. And through life, you know, it can go down and go up and go down and go up. But towards the end of a relationship, it goes down really, really low. and it's very fragile. And at some point, one of you, or maybe both of you do it at the same time, but you just go,

and it's gone. And it's literally like light goes out, pilot lights gone, it's gone. But if it's still there and you want to make it go, like you want to make it go of it, what can you do to save your relationship? So there's a couple places. One, I'm always going to say this, is counseling, therapy, incredibly important. It is accessible. And there are many forms of therapy, many forms. Can you tell me a few? Absolutely. So therapy, as I describe it, means healing. It is healing.

Healing can come from different sources. So therapists are incredibly brilliant at this. But you can also be healed by a counselor, which is slightly different than a therapist, by a coach, slightly different than the therapist, by a great. friend by a mediator, by a pastor at a church. All of these represent therapy. But you know what also represents therapy? Sitting down watching a YouTube video together, listening to a podcast. Yes, I mean, that's quite a new type of way of, and I don't think people in midlife in their 40s and 50s would necessarily think of that straight away. That's a brilliant idea. Yeah.

And the thing about this is that sitting down watching a podcast together on any relationship topic, as a partnership and then discussing it means that you are now on a pathway to managing the problem. So that is therapy, right? You're working on the tools to manage the problem. That's healing. And if both of you are prepared to do that, I think, you know, you might look at your partner and go, wow, look, they're willing to come to this with me. Yes. Thanks. Already you're winning, right? Already you're winning. That is a quick step. and that is a high return from the quick step. So that's incredibly important. Another area is the individual work.

And a lot of people don't automatically think about that because they're in a relationship and they say, okay, well, the problem is actually what my partner's behavior. It's not mine. But sometimes we don't realize how our behavior, I'll just say impacts our partner and either increases their willingness to continue to act like an assholes or decreases that or mitigates that. And so understanding how we show up, why we show up is incredibly important.

And part of that analysis can be done simply by asking your partner to give you feedback. How many of us have turned to our partner to say? I don't think I've ever done that. How did I do that? Yeah. How did I do in that? The only time that ever comes up sometimes is after sex, people will say, well, how did that work for you, right?

But how about just if you were having a disagreement, you know, when I say an argument, right? And to then literally the next day say, you know, did you find that was I fair in that? Or was I not? I mean, that's so healthy, isn't it? Like, how lovely. Wow. It's a game changer.

Yeah. I, for years, thought I was the most fair. I was like, this is what I do. I'm so proud. I was like, when it comes to these with my wife, I am the best person to have an argument with. You know what I mean? The best. And there was a moment where I asked, I was like, okay, Joe, what do you think?

And she said, you know, I find that you're unkind in these arguments. But that's such a brilliant way to word that because it's not saying you're unkind. She's saying, this is how I perceive you. Yes. So it's not like you're not going to get defensive. I mean, obviously, you know each other very well, but she's said that brilliantly. Yeah. The fact that she said in these scenarios, what she did is actually textbook. One is that psychology is her background too. So she knows what she's saying. She's really good. She used a technique that is very effective. And that is that typically when we enter a disagreement, any person, you look at it as you, you versus your partner.

This is how we typically look at it. But instead, I would say reframe, and this will change your every argument. And that is, it is you, it is your partner against the issue. Brilliant. Against each other? No, no, no, no. You're dealing with this thing over here. It's this thing over here that we're dealing. But visually, that's so helpful.

Yeah, visually. It is over here, you are here, I am here, and we are. are on the same team. Yes. And we're combating this thing. And what that does is it begins to reframe and it helps you understand that you're not under attack. Yes. You're not under attack. And not only are you not under attack that you have the support of your partner. And so she was able to do that, which which is brilliant. But getting feedback is incredibly important, I think. How did you take it? Oh, then you're, then I'm open to receiving it. Because, You asked because you asked so you know that you're going to get something back.

This is true. This is true. Okay. This is true. But because some people go, what do you mean? Like, how do you not get defensive? Jill's deliveries are spectacular. Because she also uses the whole crap sandwich delivery too where she'll start positive.

She'll add something constructive in the middle. Then dump the crap. Yeah, that's the crap. The crap's in the middle. Crap is always that. And then finish with the... Then you finish with something nice. So it's like the bread.

The bread is the nice. stuff and the crap is in the middle and she packs it in and hands it over. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty, turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street, then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away, then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing getting food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at United WayGT.org.

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