Begin Again with Davina McCall - Falling In Love: Begin Again Moments

Episode Date: March 1, 2026

In this heartwarming Begin Again Moments, Richard E. Grant reflects on falling in love with his wife, Joan. He speaks tenderly about the deep connection they share, the unexpected beauty of their journey together, and how their bond continues to thrive, even as time passes. With vulnerability and warmth, he opens up about the joy and comfort of knowing someone in such a profound way, and the magical way love can grow in the most unanticipated moments. Following Richard’s personal story, relationship expert Mel Schilling, from Married at First Sight, delves into the dynamics of love, providing insight into what truly makes relationships last. She shares her professional perspective on the foundations of deep emotional connection and offers practical advice on nurturing love through life’s many stages. Mel sheds light on the intricate balance of self-awareness, communication, and mutual respect that shapes lasting partnerships. This short episode features moving clips from both conversations, available to watch or listen to now. If you’ve ever wondered about the power of love or are seeking guidance on how to deepen your own relationships, this conversation is for you. Watch the full episodes with Richard E. Grant and Mel Schilling now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life. Like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road, and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams, or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going, start your search at autotrater.ca, Canada's Car Marketplace. is that that warped me.

Yeah. And she said the same thing. I said, yeah, but you were married. And she said, yeah, but she said, the way that I fall in love with you is different. And I said, yeah, that sounds like a Mills and Boone. No tagline on a romantic novel. She said, no, no, it's absolutely true. I mean, I think the interesting part of that is that it,

it's that being seen and being understood on the deepest of levels with you and Joan, it's hard then to imagine you, I mean, I'm not talking about you, I shouldn't really judge you, you can do whatever you like, Richard. I know that you know that. But I'd like to discuss whether you think you would ever go out with anybody again. How do you feel about that?

I've been on sort of dates with people and I've been set up with people I was just going to say do you get set up all the time I have been I realised in retrospect being sort of set up but I think that when you are ready to do that something will happen but it depends on what you're looking for I'm not I don't think on a daily basis I've got to go on a dating app I haven't done anything like that so I mean it would be a bit difficult for you to go on a dating app, wouldn't it?

So I, Richard, he got... Old pensioner. Looking for a dining companion. Oh, God. Amazing. Yeah. No, I get, I get... I've had messages on social media saying, we have everything in common, and we should meet.

Oh, God, did I sound like that when you walked through the door, I was going to go, Richard, you're not going to believe it! You did. So, you know, I think it's... Yeah. I don't know, but I can't... I think the chances of meeting somebody again and feeling that or experiencing that is,

I don't know how many times that can happen in your life. So I have no expectation of it. Put it that way. But in the year's time, you see me in St. Paul's getting married to the Princess of Transylvania. Then, you know, quote this back at me and say, yeah, you're a bit of a traitor. Nothing would make me happier. You're with somebody for 38 years and now you've found somebody else.

You don't see that as being a traitor there, do you? Or do you? No. No, I don't think so. But maybe other people do. People judge you all the time. Are you judgmental as a person? No. I mean, I can't be right.

No one's fucked up more than I have. Like, I would be really bad. Ladies gentlemen. But did you think that you were going to, when you fell in love with Michael, did you anticipate that that might happen? Did you ever fantasize that that might happen? What? That you would fall in love with him.

Oh, when we first met? Yeah. No. I mean, I was about to marry my husband. And my life was on that trajectory. He was about to marry his wife. We both, light went off with our partners and had children. We'd work together four days a week.

We'd talk all the time and... In touching your hair. Yeah, it's just really funny. Like I just didn't look at him with those glasses at all. So what changed it? I don't... You don't remember the moment that it happened? It was magic.

But once I'd put on different glasses, I couldn't take them off again. Like, I was working with him four or five days a week. We told each other everything. I mean, this is one of the things that I really, really enjoyed talking to you about is the honesty. Is that we're just brutally honest with each other. We'll just say everything. That's the greatest intimacy you can have with somebody, don't you think?

Because I mean, the amount of times you have sex with somebody in a day is proportionately, unless you're doing a tantric seven-hour job. And even seven hours, if you're doing seven hours a day, It's still not the majority of your day that you are speaking to somebody and connecting with them. And I think trust, my dad always said, I mean, Paul Brunson does a relationship podcast with Flight Studios. And I feel a little bit like I'm treading on his toes here. I'm going to try and, but this is from my dad, the guy out there in the red trousers. He used to say to me, love is made of full things.

Friendship. You had that. Obviously in a mega way. Trust, it was like, if you do anything, I'll kill you. I like that kind of trust, brilliant. Carnal love, really important. Christian. And respect.

Yeah. Respect is so important because without respect, you lose the carnal side, I think. You know, if one of them goes, then something else struggle. and I feel all those feels for Michael. I think what's interesting with modern day relationships, and I could be quite interested in getting your take on this, is that everybody's looking for a soulmate. This has got to be the perfect person.

But how do they get what you had? Because that is so rare. When you're in it, you're in it, you're, When you're in it, you don't, it doesn't seem that it's, it seems, well, why isn't this, doesn't everybody feel this? Yes. So what is different about it? Because you talking about talking, we've talked nonstop for 38, we talked nonstop for 38 years. Yeah.

And I was still talking as I held her hand. Yeah. And she, she died. Yeah. What is the magic ingredient to a great relationship in your opinion? Curiosity. that you never stop finding or stuff to talk about or things to do or things to want to do with the person in every way.

I think that's because as soon as you take stuff for granted, then I think you, you know, that leads to boredom or this again. The depth of feeling and the trust that you have with somebody after that amount of time, I think that in itself is Sexy. Part of the heat of your sex. That's so true. Don't you think? Rather than thinking, oh, is it the same old position, the same old, you know what I mean?

But I think the same old position is with somebody that you don't talk to about, let's try something else, or why don't we... Yeah. But still fancying the person that you're wish. Yes. That is something that you have no control over. It's something that if you're lucky enough to have it, which we did, then that's very Very sustaining.

I also think physical attractiveness to somebody in a relationship that you're in with is often also about the other person making an effort. So when I see my partner make an effort, it makes you some, again, feel seen. Yes. I think. By them making an effort with what they wear, you think, oh, they want me to see them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Tell me about, because how did you work after Jonah died? Because I just think going back to work would be very difficult. Well, because my job is I'm on location filming for so much. I'm so used to being on my own or away from home that that was very familiar. And that most difficult part, as always, as I'm sure you know, is what I call the steering wheel stuff that at the end of the day, downloading everything. What was DeVina like?

What is her hair color? Do you think she dyes her hair? How much facial surgery is she had? I love that. What were her boots like? How long did it take you to get to the East End? Four years. All of that stuff that you just talk about during the day or your observation of it, not being able

to tell the other person anymore, I found... I thought, wow, this is like a sort of grand canyon of, you know, it's a bottomless hole. And in exactly the same way that I started keeping a diary when I was 10 and have continued to do so, I then, I now write to Joan every night. And I have no, you know, woolly spiritual delusion that she's hearing this or that I'm going to get a response. But I know in writing to her, it somehow makes, it, it keeps, you know, it keeps, you. the connection going? Because I know what her response would be. Do you write Dear Joan?

Yeah. So I write emails to her. I mean, I write it an email form in a diary, but you know, Dear Joan, and today that this happened, this would really have amused you. I think we should do this. So it's somehow it makes it feel like that person is still there. It's an ongoing conversation. Sorry, I interrupted you. No. Do you not feel that she's still there? No.

She's gone. Yeah. I mean, she's inside me and in my daughter and in the memory of our friends. And I've got photographs of her around the house. But I don't, my father was unequivocal about saying that heaven and hell are human concepts. And everything is the here and now. We only have one life. Nobody's come back.

And I haven't been able to find a better theory than that. with Michael your partner, that you feel that or with your late sister, that the voice of that reason or logic is carried in in you and helps you make a decision. And because I was with my late wife for 38 years, I know what, you know, if I was describing what you were wearing now and what you were like and how this all went, I very clearly know what her response would And of course she'd say, well, out of ten, how much do you fancy Devino Gall? You know, because I know immediately there's sort of a lioness in her would be going like, you know, am I being challenged here by a beautiful young woman?

You know, and that delights me because it's, yeah, so that sort of is ongoing in my head. I love the sound of Joan. She really sounds like my kind of woman. She was very feisty. I love that. Five foot four. But you know, Celtic blood, so I think that, you know, like your French blood, it's a different heat from Angus accent.

So you two met, what was it, 84? End of 82. 82. Yeah. So a year after your dad died, you went down to London. Yeah. And then met her. And how did you meet?

I met her at the, I went to, she was coaching. a series of regional accents at the actor center. So, oh, the notes have gone. Yeah, I mean, I don't need it. And so I met her there, and I said, I'd gone to learn a Northern Irish thing because there were so many dramas being made about the troubles.

And this agent that I had said, you know, you're over six foot, you have dark hair and blue eyes. You could go up for Northern Irish parts. And he said, what's your Belfast accent like? And I said, debatable. And so I went and had this. these, did the sessions.

And then I asked Joe Washington, who was coaching, if she could teach me privately to sort out my colonial sound. And she said, well, I know what you're talking about. And I said, yeah, but a director had said to me that I spoke like somebody for the 1950s. And I suppose Swaziland was in a kind of time war of that expat society. So I said, how long is it going to take?

And she gave me a couple of lessons. And I said, how much is it going to cost? She's 20 pounds an hour. And I said, I can't afford that because I'm working as a waiter in Covent Garden. And my bed sit in Notting Hill costs 30 pounds a week. So 20 pounds for an hour. It's a huge amount of money. She said, well, what can you afford?

And I said, oh, 12 pounds. She said, all right, okay, come for 12 pounds, on condition that if you ever make it as an actor, you have to repay me. So on our first wedding anniversary in 1987, I read that paper is the gift that you're supposed to give. So I gave her £1,000 in £50 pink notes. And I said, I hope that I've repaid my debt. She said, yes, I think that'll do.

My God, how great. Yeah. I was pregnant. I had like a morning sickness kind of experience. It was like being pregnant. and then it's gone. And you'd already been through that with the miscarriage. Yeah.

I think that's one of the hardest things with a miscarriage. That's right. You're still left with the feelings of being a mother for ages afterwards. That's right. That's right. And you have the physicality as well. And then, you know, we did the first round of IVF. They put two eggs in because I was older.

They said, we really need to make the most of this. There were two that were ready to go. And they both just fell away. Nothing happened at all. But then my doctor called me the next day, and she said, we've got this little Ozzy Battler, this little egg that wasn't developed in time, but it is now. Would you like to put it on ice?

I said, yeah, okay, let's just put it on ice. We're not ready to do it again yet. I've got to recover. I need time to heal. Put it on ice. And we waited until my next natural cycle. and they said, would you like to pop that little frozen thing inside you? Well, see, why not nothing to lose?

I didn't have to go through the hormones again. Right. I just went with natural. Yeah. Cycle. Yeah. Popped her in. And that's Maddie.

So she was frozen for the first six weeks of her life. Wow. You know, we've actually only just told her that story last week. Oh, really? Yeah, she's 10. And? Oh, she was fascinated. Oh, shit.

She loved science. So she was really carefully listening because she's about to learn all the sex education at school next term and I thought, well, I want her to know that her story is different for maybe some other kids because they're going to talk about IVF and I said to her, you know, you're going to be having this conversation, what do you know about it? She said, well, I know that you have to have sex to have a baby.

And I said, well, our story was actually a bit different and told her and she was fascinated. Wow. Yeah. I think it's so good to be able to have that conversation with kids. It's been interesting. I've found it so easy to talk to my girls, but I've kind of left it to my girls to talk to my son.

It's quite difficult. You know, like a really interesting, it's been a really interesting journey. But, I mean, he's brilliant and he knows what he needs to know, but it's been a fascinating, yeah, he's been quite, quite, quite a journey that. And she, and so she, she found that out last week. Yes. And has she had the lesson yet? No, it'll be when she goes back to school. How. So I want her to be able to say, that's me. I'm an IVF baby. Mega. I'm special. And really interesting for the class.

Yeah. But she'll know and be able to explain her story. Yeah. There was actually a test tube. It was in a lab. Wow. Yeah. So what was it like? actually, you know, going through a whole pregnancy with Gareth. And, you know, we're talking values. And I think sometimes you can be with somebody, say you want to have kids, go through everything. And then values are completely different when you've had a kid. Suddenly it's like, oh my God, all of the things around being a parent, there are so many values that are tied up in being a parent.

How was that? That's a really good question. because it's interesting because Gareth was a parent already. So I have a stepdaughter. She's 30, married, she's a big girl, which is amazing. She lives in Canada. So Gareth was in her life for the first sort of 10 years and they were, you know, not in touch for a little while and then now they're back together again, which is beautiful.

They've both got matching tattoos of Northern Ireland on their back, the beautiful map of the country. I love that. Very special connection. So I knew that he had some parenting. experience. But also it was a difficult situation. He wasn't with the mother and, you know, it was a different situation to our. So I was very interested to see how that was going to play out. And it's essentially a new beginning for him. Yeah. You know, and he felt maybe he made some

mistakes first time around and he got to redo those. God, what a great opportunity. So, so powerful for him. And I see him living it every day. How lovely. Yeah. It's really beautiful. because our family, we're sort of built in a way that I'm the primary breadwinner and he's the primary parent in many ways without the way our career is structured. So he, you know, takes Maddie to school on his e-bike every day there and back, takes it a taekwondo, you know. It's, their bond is just so beautiful. And I can see that as one of his values coming to absolute the fore for him is his role as parent and guide and support for her. It's so beautiful to watch.

What I love about what you're saying is that it doesn't matter if you've made a series of mistakes through your life and relationships. Every relationship is an opportunity to correct those mistakes of the past. You can, you can begin again to stop that happening again. with someone else, either through a tweak to you. Well, you can only ever tweak yourself, right? Yeah. You can't tweak other people.

No. Yeah. You can try. And it might work temporarily.