Begin Again with Davina McCall - Lorna Luxe

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

For years, Lorna Luxe has let people into her life. Now, she opens up about the loss that changed everything. In this episode of Begin Again, Lorna Luxe, also known as Lorna Andrews, joins Davina for her first and only interview since losing her husband John. Together, they speak honestly about grief, love, loneliness, resilience, and what it means to begin again after losing the person who made you feel safe. Lorna opens up about John’s cancer diagnosis, the final year of their marriage, and the fear John carried at the end: not for himself, but for whether Lorna would be okay without him. She reflects on the deep love they shared, how John protected her, supported her, and filled the space in her life in ways she is only now beginning to understand. Davina and Lorna also explore the experiences that shaped her long before grief: her dad leaving when she was four, the rejection sensitivity that followed, her relationship with her fiercely protective mum, her eating disorder and how Instagram became the place where her creativity, perfectionism, and eye for beauty turned into a career. At its heart, this is a conversation about great love, unimaginable loss, and the quiet courage it takes to keep going. Lorna speaks with honesty, humour, and extraordinary openness about learning to live alone, honouring John’s legacy, and discovering that she is more resilient than she ever knew. Lorna Luxe reminds us that grief does not follow rules, love does not disappear, and sometimes beginning again means carrying the person you lost into everything you do next. 🌟 Like, comment, and subscribe for more honest conversations about grief, love, identity, healing, and beginning again. Tap the bell to stay connected with new episodes of Begin Again. Follow us here: 📸 www.instagram.com/beginagain 🎥 https://www.tiktok.com/@beginagainpod ✨ Follow Lorna: https://www.instagram.com/lorna/?hl=en ✨ Sign up for the Begin Again newsletter for all your behind the scenes access, recommendations and much much more at: https://linkly.link/2g2xm (00:00) Intro (01:29) How Lorna is doing following the death of her husband (06:41) Lorna's experience of loneliness (08:11) Lorna learning resilience and being independent in the wake of John's death (12:39) How Lorna's dad leaving when she was young affected her (15:34) How Lorna's dad leaving when she was young affected her (18:11) Lorna's relationship with her mum (19:28) Lorna's eating disorder and starting her job as a Virgin Atlantic hostess (26:43) Do Health Ad (30:48) Lorna's journey to recovering from her eating disorder (32:37) How Lorna got into Instagram (35:59) Meeting and falling in love with John (45:51) How Lorna and John maintained such a strong relationship (48:50) How Lorna and John used Love Languages (51:35) Lorna on her final year with John, beginning again and honouring his legacy (1:00:54) What John wanted for Lorna after he died (1:01:50) How Lorna is dealing with grief (1:04:14) Lorna reads a letter from her mother (1:07:58) Davina's admiration for Lorna Sponsored by: Do Health - The waitlist is open. Begin Again listeners get fixed early access pricing when they sign up today at dohealth.co/beginagain use code BEGINAGAIN Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The days leading up to John's death, he was really worried I was going to be in the shit when he died. What a glorious man. That his last thoughts about the woman he loved. Everybody knows you as Lorna Lux's online. And collectively, we loved your love. It felt really important that he feel seen. When I first met him, I just remember thinking, why is this old bloke talking to me? We just clicked.

Falling in love with someone is a double-edged sword because it's absolutely incredible. but it's also terrifying. Would you have divorced John? When I got my virgin job, I became incredibly unwell. And I've worked really hard to be skinny. But John knew that I just needed to find other things to feel obsessive about. And that's how I got into Instagram. But that's when it really gets real,

because you're all subject to the same fear, right? Which is your own mortality. Yes. My one thing that was solid in my life has been whipped out of me. And I had no control over that. When John was diagnosed with cancer I said I feel invisible And that's why he's front and centre

Of a lot of the things that I do Because I don't want people to forget him Before he died John talked to you a little bit about You meeting someone else Everyone has a great love I'd be more than happy If that's me, one and done

Quite happy with that Welcome, this is it Thank you This is Begin again, the studios I love it, it looks even better in real life And it's funny calling you Lorna Andrews Because to me you're Lorna Lux Like everybody knows you as that online

I wanted to quickly start off by just asking you how you are. Thank you. You've been through a lot. I mean, what a shitter of a year. I'm all right. I'd say that I'm like up and down. So I wouldn't say I was like, oh, I'm great or I'm absolutely, this is the worst thing at the minute and I can't get out of bed.

I just each day is like, we'll see what happens today. Let's not overthink it. And I think I have moments, usually about five, ten minutes where I feel incredibly low. But then I'm right, I've got to get up. back on the next thing now or something snatched me out of it and I just distract myself. I think we collectively or anybody that's followed you feel for you so much because we loved your love. Yeah.

And it was so important in the last year, I would say, for me to really show that. Why? I think when John was diagnosed with cancer, he immediately fell. He said it to himself. He said, I feel invisible. I feel less than like I'm not bringing enough to the table because he'd always been my protector

and had always looked after me and taking care of me and the role's kind of reversed and I think that last year where I could really see him becoming more and more and well and I could predict what the outcome was going to be

it felt really important that he feel seen and very visible and I posted a lot more not in not always him directly but referenced him in things or we're doing this, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. Because I knew that was really good for him. And I think he knew what I was doing as well.

We're a team, right? That's what you do. I might cry in this interview and I'm really sorry because you won't get me either. No, I know. No, I know, but you're the person that's lost somebody. And I'm embarrassed to cry in front of you. Don't be daft. Yeah, but it feels inappropriate in some way. I'm sorry about that.

I think that there's two types of people I meet, right? And there are those that do really empathise with me in a way and do do that and cry with me or sometimes instead of me. Yeah. And then there are other people that literally ignore it. I mean, they don't even mention it. Yeah, can't work about it.

And I understand it on both sides, right? Because sometimes my coping mechanism is to ignore something if it's upsetting. But there's something really special about the connections I've made over the last few months. Yes. From people who've experienced loss or haven't. but completely get it and completely get that this is really shit. And there's not really anything you can say, is there, to that?

And I think understanding and being the person that goes, God, this is actually really crap, is quite a nice experience for me, I would say. Because it's comforting to me and it makes me feel seen. And like, yeah, my experience is relevant. It wasn't just John's journey. It was mine as well. So that's been important to me. I think the other brilliant thing that you do that is actually harder than lots of people think is you are just 100% transparent.

And with that comes, it's exhausting because you can't ever hide. But at the same time, it's an unbelievable gift to other people going through something similar. What's it been like since John died in terms of meeting people? I mean, have people talked about how much you've helped or? It's been a really lovely thing is that I'd say when John first died, I wasn't online, if you know what I mean. I wasn't posting content. I wasn't talking publicly. But what I was doing was replying to all my messages and there was a lot more than usual.

So I started to build more of a community of just people just checking in. And sometimes I couldn't talk to my mom or more my mates because I was like, God, I sound like a broken record. And actually I found it quite cathartic chatting to some, you know, Deborah in Milton Keynes because they are. are strangers to me. And so I can just say whatever. And it's almost like I can throw the ball and they'll throw the ball back. There was a safety.

So it was a safety element to it. So I think the last few months that experience of people saying to me like, you know what, my husband's not well or I've lost my, you know, I'm four years in, things are going to get better. All these little messages, they do land really well for me at the minute

because I found a lot of comfort in it. And if I go quiet online now for a couple of days, I start to get all these messages. Are you all right? Come on, what's going on? Because I think it is unusual for me at the minute to be quiet because I am lonely and I'm at home on my own most nights. And so what do I do?

I'll come on and cut me to, but I'll post about it. You know, I'll be chatting when I'm doing something because I haven't got John there to chat to you. Maybe I spoke into my mum. My mates are all for the sake of me. So I've really got in a weird, it's like a privilege, but I've got this community of people that have just totally like stepped up to the plate

in a way I didn't expect. Isn't it funny? Yeah. And like a long way that continue. Because they've really like guided me through in a different way to what I've ever used social media for in the past. Well, first of all, I just want to quickly talk to you. You just mentioned the word lonely.

I find being lonely very difficult. How are you with that? I think that the loneliness kicks in for me. me in certain times in the week as well, I noticed there's a rhythm to it. Yeah, yeah. So my loneliness kicks in around Saturday afternoon because midweek, Monday to Friday, I'm bit non-stop and I've got people that work for me as well, run a business, right? So I'm on, I'm doing stuff.

No one's texting me about work on a Saturday or a Sunday. So by Saturday afternoon, if I've not made plans, which I've started to do. Have you? I can feel, and I'm like, what I'm going to do? I need to make my tea, but I'm not a good cook. So that's a quick job because it'll be a microwave dinner. And it's all these little things that he did. He filled the space off without me realising.

Yes. Because I'm an only child. So as a kid growing up, I was used to being in the house on my own. But there was always people in the house. And it was the same with Johnny. He might be downstairs watching telly. And I might be in my bedroom having like launa time. But I knew he was there.

Yeah. And now, of course, I'm in this house. And I'm like, there's literally no one. there's no one to like play with. And that's something I'm getting used to. And I'm sure there's lots of people that will relate to this. People that maybe have even never had a relationship and have been living alone for a long time.

But it's not my norm. So I've just got to accept that I've got a new rhythm now. What are you learning about yourself? Because there must be enormous all this time alone. There is. Times to think. Well, what I have learned is that I'm quite resilient. him. Did you not think you were before?

I didn't. I thought I needed a lot more than what I need. Like what? Well, like, and this sounds crazy, right? Because I was married for 16 years with John 17 and a half, 18. Met him when I was 25. I was independent. Like, I lived independently when I met him. But he quickly recognized that, you know, paying bills and doing practical stuff,

didn't really interest me. I found that quite boring. and he was very happy to do it for me. And so over those years, he just bit by bit managed all of these things to the point where all I had to do was get up and be me and just go about my day and it was all just sorted out. So when it's come to that I'd say around the end of last year where we both went, shit, we might not make this.

We thought we had more time and we've not got this time. He really started to panic because he was like... About you. You don't even know how to pay. You don't even have your own bank card. You don't know how to do these things. And he was really worried. And actually the days leading up to his death,

that was the last few conversations we had were about this fear. I was really going to be in the shit when he died because I didn't know how to do anything. Can you just hold my hand for one second? Can we just stop and think about what a fucking glorious man? Oh man. He was. He was brilliant.

That his last thoughts were worrying. Yeah, they were. About the woman he loved. Oh, he was absolutely. He was going to be all right. He was terrified for me. And, sorry. I know.

What a lovely guy. Let's really make this a celebration about fucking John and what a ledge. Well, I mean, that's it is. Yeah, and that's what I'm kind of living right now. Yeah. Everything is through that lens of like. But can I also say, because you just said that actually I am resilient and I am coping. Yeah.

And how really, he's here. I believe. I believe in that. Oh yeah, he's always with him. How proud he is of you right now. He'd be absolutely stunned at some of the things I've pulled off. Tell me. Well, a month after he died, I had to move out of the rental we were in.

I sorted it all out. I managed to get the removals guys. The logistics of that, I did it all on my own. Yeah, my mum was there on the day, to be fair, and she organised a skip to get rid of a lot of my, like, crap that I'd collected over the months before. I bet that was a good skip. That was a great skip. I bet there'd be people in there going like,

I'd literally chopped off my right arm to get access to some of the stuff in that skip. I mean, there was a lot of old makeup, I will say that. I mean, even that for a lot of people is great. There was a lot of good stuff. There's a lot of crap. There was like a Christmas tree that never got put up because John had ordered this whacking great tree. And I was like, oh, I can't get it up.

I don't even know how to put it in a stand. So it just stood leaning against the wall in the back room. So there's all those little things that I just needed to shift before I moved. And I moved into the other house with, courts grew, which was Johns, that he'd stolen from some hotel in Italy, and a lessee kettle that he'd insisted on buying. That's one that's like, you know, you have to sit and it heats up with a whistle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not even a plug-in, which is the most infuriating thing in the morning to wait, like an hour for you brew. And then, well, and our sheep, Bell,

our life-sized sheep. So we've got this sheep in the hallway. So it was just those three things, and then everything else went in storage. So I've not got all our stuff. Yes. Which is quite sad. But also, I think, going to be quite magical when you do. I know. I said that's my mum. It's going to be, it's going to be tough. It'll be tough. It'll be, I thought, I don't even want to imagine. And it's next month. I'm not got long. So I can feel it, you know, the bubbling of it. You know, I've got to organise the removals guys to come back. And I'm like, what we're going to do with all that stuff? What stuff have I forgotten about? Clothing. I'd kept some of his scarves with me. I did have some scarves in my suitcase.

But just all of that photographs, all our wedding photos. Yes. It's going to be a lot that. Yeah, you're right. It will be. I'll come over. I mean, listen, more than merry are at this point. I need all the help I can get. I'd like to talk a little bit about your upbringing as well because your dad left when you were four.

Yeah, he did. My mum left when I was four. Yeah. And I had mummy issues. Yeah. You have said in the past that you have had it. daddy issues. How did that manifest in your life? Like what did your dad leaving? How did that impact you? I think it's impacted so much of my life more than I care to admit. But I think this fear of

rejection, I think I've got, somebody said it to me the other way, you've got rejection sensitivity and you're very sensitive to that. And I think a lot of the constructs in my life I build around protecting that. So if I think someone's going to pull away, I pull away first. right in anything and I like to be really good at things because I like to prove a point because I always think you know you walked away from me but look what you walked away from yes that was yeah because like I'm going to prove that I didn't need you because I definitely took it personally and I know I'm sure that a psychologist would have a field day with me and say actually no it wasn't about you and it was your mum and dad you were just a you know collateral damage if you like but when

you're a four year old and you're watching your dad you know you're crying as your dad walks down the driveway and he won't come back. I mean, how dare he do that really? And it makes me a bit angry now. But having had an experience of being married to such a great man and now recognise the difference between a great man and a man that is less than. And he really failed me as a child.

And certainly that has played out into my life as an adult. So yeah I don't know how it works out As a mum leaving I can imagine just equally as brutal I think I had the same thing It was just a fear of abandonment Because the people who were meant to care for you

Abandoned you Yeah And I was very lucky my dad was solid Same as my mum Same as my mum Like thank God that we had one parent That had our back Because there are lots of people

That don't have any parents That have got your back So true No. Did you see your dad at all? I did sporadically. So not regularly. There wasn't any kind of regular contact. And I think when he popped in, it was, it wasn't really, it wasn't that present. You know, there wasn't much thought went into it. I just don't think he was that bothered. I don't think he was that fuss. I think he had a really nice new wife to play with that he's still happily married to now, I believe. And I just think he thought, this is my future and she represents the past. And that isn't shiny and, enough for me. So yeah, it's really, it's incredibly sad. Very sad, I think. I'm always one for

putting a positive spin on something. Oh God, I'm glad you said that. So Lorna, I'm going to flip it now. Okay. And so it would be interesting to see if you would have this amazing drive in you without that happening to you as a kid. Like was part of this journey into what, like, I don't want to put words into your mouth. but like what was your wish when you were younger? Because you went to university for a bit to Newcastle, but actually you left there. Yeah. It wasn't your destiny.

No. Unique school education wasn't really my shtick. I found it a bit boring. I think the legacy is that I wasn't dissatisfied with where I lived and grew up. But I'd watch my dad. Like me and mum lived on, you know, a lovely little council estate in Manchester. And I had a very happy child.

But I always remember seeing my dad and he lived in Whitefield and it was quite affluent and he lived in, you know, on his road, it was all just detached houses and flancy cars. And on my road it was like, you know, terraces and we didn't have nice cars. So I think growing up, I always thought, well, that's better. So I need to get away from this and I need to get to that by hook or by crook. And I think using things like going to uni or even going to work for Virgin and be an air hostess. was shining. It was a way to get away, right? Because that's like, I'm going to travel. I'm going to meet new exciting people. And that was really enticing for me in my formative years, I would say. So it did affect you in a kind of a positive way.

You became an adventurer because you thought, I don't want to stay. And it's, what I'm hearing from you, it's not, you're not complaining about your upbringing because your mum was amazing. And where you lived with it was amazing. But it was like, I want to see that what... I think I just used to think, well, hang on,

And if it's not good, why is it not good enough for him? There must be something wrong with it. Right. Because I can't see it. So maybe I need to step out of this to go and work out what's wrong with that. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Okay.

As an adult now, I'm like, there was actually nothing wrong with that. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with this. It's just different. And we define ourselves by our things, right? My dad defined himself by his things. He's, you know, living in a better house, having a nice car. He was really, he cared about stuff.

My mom is more about, you know, emotional investment. Like if for birthday she doesn't want a present, she wants us to go somewhere. She would go to the pub. She'll have a nice lunch. She wants to do stuff with me. So she puts value on it like that. And I'm like, thanks for that mom because you taught me a valuable lesson there without him realising it. Do you see your mom a lot now?

I do. I do. I mean, tell me about her. She's just very, she's like me in so many ways. but so different. She's quite shy, but incredibly smart and very supportive. I can tell her anything.

And I mean anything. So she knows all my warts and all. She knows it all. But there's a respect, right? She's always said to me, I'm your mum, not your mate. And she's always lived by that.

I say that to my kids. Yeah. That's really important. And I respect her and I care about her and I want to look after her. And whatever that looks like. And certainly,

You know, she was there with me throughout, you know, when John was dying, I'd say the last two weeks before he was, I kind of knew. Yes. I said, I rang her up and I went, Mom, it's time. You've got to come. I need you. And she never left. And she was like a rock whiler to anyone that come around.

Because she was like, if your energy is not, if you don't need this, if you and John need some quiet time, they can go. And people would come and visit and then she'd just get rid of them. And I love that about her. Because I wasn't really aware of what was going on around me at the time. But in hindsight, I was like, oh, yeah. Mom really had my back those weeks, thank God. So yeah, you'd love her.

She's Brill. She sounds amazing. So you'd gone off and you'd kind of got this job with Virgin. Like, what was that like for you? Because at the time, I think you were also just beginning to struggle with an eating disorder. Yeah, I was. Talk me through. Why did that happen?

Do you think? I think what happened was I had been at uni. And I think like anyone, you go to uni, you're drinking loads and you're eating loads. And I put a bit of a timber on. And I was a bit of a curvy woman. Not there's anything wrong with that. But I didn't, I wasn't happy in how I looked. And then when I started to diet and lose a bit of weight, I also saw that people treat you differently, right?

So I had interest from men. I'd never had like that before. And when I got my virgin job, you know, when I went for Virgin Atlantic's interview, and this is back in 2002, three, the wages. they checked your height they took a photo of your face they wanted to see

what you'd look like in the uniform this was the norm back then it's not like it is now yeah it's changed so much right and actually them as a brand

they're so different that now like that they're so you know they're all their advertising it's all about celebrating the inclusivity

and brilliant love that for yeah but at the time it was just a standard protocol I imagine with all airlines

that people had to fit a mould and I always recognise that I got in there because I'd lost a bit of weight. So it was always in the back of my head from the day one of that job. Okay, you've been rewarded. I got that job because I'd not eaten for a bit.

Right. And so maintaining weight because you weren't, if you got, if you changed uniform size, you got pulled into the office because it cost the business money, right? Right. So all these things were playing in my mind. That and, you know, I was living in Brighton. So partying a lot, drinking, booze and eating kebabs. And having to manage.

my weight became an absolute full-time job. And so, sadly for me, I used my job, you know, flying away, transatlantic. You stay down route somewhere for a couple of days. No one's going to see what you're up to. So your behaviours, your habits can really start to manifest, and I became incredibly unwell. And no one could see that you went eating or that you, they just. Just hid it.

And it's terrifying when I look back. And I noticed that you did a lot of exercising. I think they call that orthorexia as well, don't they? That not only you're eating a bit, but then you're trying to work out like a maniac. Obsessive. And I also think that, you know, the real peak of my illness, I was with John now, so he didn't know about this either.

He'd got me here, David Lloyd membership. And in Brighton, there's one in Worthing, and there's one in the marina. And I would go to the one in the marina in the morning. I'd cycle all the way down the seafront, which was a schlep, if you know, Brighton. I'd go down there and then in the evening

I'd go to the Worthymore So you were doing a separate gym so they wouldn't People at the gym wouldn't know Oh wow And I'd be there for two three hours And it was really I mean when I look back now

I'm impressed at you know The energy I put into that I was like how was I even keeping going And you know You get into this very warped mindset Where I was doing deaf things And my behaviours were changing My mood swings were up and down

I was permanently cold. Did anybody talk to you about it? They did. Who was trying to broach it with you at that point? Did John try and talk about it? John was very concerned. Was he? He would often say like you just,

you've lost a bit too much weight now. You're beautiful, but you've just gone a bit too far. And also on flights, I might fly with someone. A girl that I'm still mates with now, Claire, she'd suffered with anorexia, so she recognised the sign straight away. And she pulled me in the galley. She went, you've got a problem.

this is not good. You need to look after yourself. I'm here if you need me. And I treated her with such disrespect at the time. Yeah, I was rude to her. I was like, don't be so ridiculous. This is actually really out of order. What you're saying?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I think that's such a brilliant defence mechanism because it does put people off talking to you about it. It frightens people from broaching it. So, you know, that defensive thing, I was the same with drugs. You don't want to talk about it. And you get angry because they're threatening. my big secret

and I've worked really hard to be skinny so you're not going to fuck with this now and that was my headspace I was like don't you dare try and come for me on this because this is the only thing I'm really good at and it was that wow that was the feelings those were the emotions that were attached to me

and my eating disorder and I think you know a parent leaving you just leaves you feeling unsafe yeah we talked about this fear of abandonment thing, that kind of you're in

fight or flight. And there's something very reassuring about controlling something in your life. So it could be anything, right? It could be drugs, drink, food, weight, like whatever. But it's like, if I can control this, I am safe. Yeah. And I loved it. I'm really like,

I kept thinking I've got the secrets also. They don't know. But I'm on something with this. And I was really proud of my ability to under-eat. and be hungry. And that's really terrifying. And thank God that I've come through the other end. Now I have definitely, I've control issues,

but just with different things now. Like my business is what I control. John certainly gave me those tools to feel like I'm your safe place. You don't need to be in control anymore because I've got you. And he kind of stepped into that role for me in a big way. And I've got a real antennae for spotting a good person, I think. think that is my secret weapon in my job, in my job that I do now, is that I can spot bullshit a mile off.

Yeah. And I kind of entertain, I will entertain people because of my job. I have to sometimes. Yes. It's quite locked down my group of friends. And I don't really step out of the side of that unless I have to. I'm quite protective of my mates. And that's from your upbringing, right?

I think it's from upbringing, but I think it's Virgin Atlantic that taught me that. Oh, really? I think it being cabin crew taught me a lot of that. Really? You can just, there's just little things. And I think when people get on planes, they become quite childlike, right? Because they don't really know what they're doing. So they're just like, you're in charge.

You know, you tell them when to put their seatbelt on, you tell them when they're allowed to go to toilet. So you really, analysing folk on a plane has really helped me and everything else I've ever done, really. Can I just say that's actually blown my mind? That's so true. Think about it as well, how you feel when you get on a plane. You do become a bit childlike.

You hand over all responsibility to someone else. You're not driving. Yes. You don't really understand how the plane works. And it's like I, yeah, I think that I really, I recognise how powerful that was. I was 10 years flying, right? It's a long old time to be one-on-one customer service. And so I really got to meet every walk of life on that job.

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gives you a weekly plan with an in-app coach so you know what to do next. Not more worry, it's a way forward. Go to dohealth.com slash begin again. and use code begin again to lock in early access pricing. And what happened at the end and how did you get into social media? Well, what happened for me was that I eventually got to a point of like, I can't do this anymore, went and spoke to a line manager and they grounded me, which I was devastated about. Because in my head, I was like, well, you can't take away my uniform

because I defined myself as a Virgin Atlantic girl. Right, yes. I'm like a hostie. And if you take this away, then you're taking everything away. Yes. And that was not a rock bottom, but probably was my rock bottom was losing my job. And I was offered a ground job. I didn't want to do that.

I spoke to John and he was like, look, we're not flush by any means, but if you want to take some time out and get well, then I will support that. Well, it was interesting in the journey because there was kind of talk of you becoming an impatient at a treatment centre. And I would say normally if people, because you were saying it was a rock bottom, when people hit a rock bottom and they go, you should be an inpatient, you just go, yes, but you were like not on your Nelly. I said to John, I'll do this,

but it was a month. They wanted to be in for a month. I imagine I would have been in for a lot longer, to be honest. But I said, after the end of that month, we're getting a divorce because the trust is gone for me. Wait, why? I just was like, I was so adamant

I was not going into that environment and we'd been there the whole day seeing where I would have to stay and stuff. And I was like, nah, I can't do this. And it could have gone both ways. And I don't know what, a bit like a sliding doors moment. Yes. I'd love to have seen how that would have played out.

Had I gone into him patient and then I would have come out, what would I have divorced John? What would my life have looked like then? Why would you have divorced him? Were you? I was so angry. Were you? And I felt so like you're the only person that can like walk with me on this journey and you have to trust that this is the way I want to do it. I've given myself to you by saying I'm not well and I need help.

But if you then just lock me up in a box and don't let me do it in the way I want to do it, the control of that just was like flawed me. What's interesting because my experience, but of addiction, so it's not really of an eating disorder, is that if you're in the addiction, you will literally say anything not to have to get better, but John actually didn't make you do it. And do you think he was scared that you would actually leave after the month? Yeah.

And he said that to me, he said it many times over the years. He was like there was just no, it wasn't an option for me. I'd met my person and I wasn't prepared to take the risk. And so you got to decide your fate and I'm so glad he did that. Yeah. And I mean, it worked. It worked. It took a long time.

That's quite rare, I just want to say. Yeah. How long did it take? It probably took about 10 years, I would say. What did you getting better? What needed to happen? I needed to do it in my own time. I needed to find other things to feel obsessive about.

I'm an obsessive character, which actually I don't think you get online. I'm quite laid back as well. I'm like an oxymoron because I'm super chill most of the time. but then when I get really obsessed about something, I get really excited about it, and I just want to think about it all the time. And he knew that about me, he knew that character floor,

and I think he knew deep down that if she just found something else to get interest from, this would be a distraction. And my mum knew that as well. So my mum was there, always in the background. She bought me a sewing machine. She was like, why don't you get into sewing? Because she used to love that as a kid.

She'd buy me all these things to do. Did you? I didn't in the end. So I do have the sewing machine somewhere. But I never got into the sewing. But they both tried to create these distractions. And actually what was the beauty of it was that I found my own distraction. But that came from me getting a job.

And me waking up one day and going, you know what, I'm really boring. He'd said to me anyway, he went, you're getting a bit boring. You don't have any chat. She don't go anywhere or see anyone. And I used to be a very exciting person flying around the world. I just, I love John. He was great. That's hilarious.

Yeah. So you're getting a bit boring. I mean, only somebody that really loves you. say that. I remember us being in the bedroom and him saying it to me and me and I'm, it took a while it's, it took a while I'm going to get a job. But then I just thought, yeah, I need to do something. And then I applied for a job and didn't get it, but I did get a job. And I think that set the wheels in motion then because having a job, a reason to get up every morning and doing nine to five was flipping brilliant, never had that before. Yeah. I had a very, you know, transient work, life,

home, life and Brighton. And now I was working in office with women that had like real lives, I think normal things to worry about. They hadn't got time to worry about their weight. They're worrying about the kids. Yeah. And I started to think,

oh, maybe my life's been a bit self-focused. Maybe it's not all about me and I just need to open it up a bit and be interested in other people's lives. And around the same time, working in, I was doing customer service, which made sense because of my virgin training. but it was an online website where they took beautiful photos

and I was watching all these pictures being taken and I was like, well, I might try that when I get home tonight and I'd go home and I'd set up a little corner of my room with like candles and, you know, dolls or whatever I had and take a little photo and post it. And that's how I kind of got into Instagram. You know, you are very brilliant at creating beauty. Oh, I love it.

I love beautiful things. But it's such a talent. Is it a talent or is it just a head? the time and the obsession. No. Well, I believe it is a talent because I wouldn't do that. But I was a perfectionist, right? I was obsessive.

But you knew what looked good. But I knew what looked, what I thought looked good. Don't always get it right. But it was fun. It was experimental. And it was like new social media, right? What did you call your first account or was it always? I remember joining Instagram in the office with the girls

and my number play at the time was L9, UX. John had bought it me for 150 quid because he was always saying you're like, you look, my little looks. And the girls in the office because Lorna had been taken, not anymore. I've got her back. But yeah.

So nice that, isn't it? I know, yeah, John was very, would have been very happy about that. But the Lorna Lux was there and they were like, because I think Annie, a girl I worked in the office, she was like, oh, why'd you be Lorna Lux? Because your number plate.

And I was out. So you've always been that. It was always Lorna Lus. Brilliant. And John and I, around would have been just before, so it would have been a year and a bit ago. We'd got been given a meta manager, you know, like Facebook and Instagram. Yeah. And I'd said, oh, I really like to just be Lorna. Is that a thing? Can I just have Lorna now? And John was like, this is good for you because

where you're growing your own businesses and like you can get, you can reclaim Andrews, which is his surname. You can be, you know, you're not Lorna Lux. You're Lorna Andrews. And I was like, yeah, you're right. I'm Warner Andrews. And we'd ever got it. And I just thought, well, maybe I've just sent the email that no one's understood. And then I had a meeting with my management about three weeks after John had died. We were sat in Ketner's in Soho. Yeah.

And I was like, do you know what, I'm really pissed off because all I wanted was for John to see me as Lorner. He never got to see it. And he would be really annoyed about that. And my manager was like, let me pop him another email, I see if anything happens. And then a week later, overnight, on a Saturday night, it changed. And I was like, is this John?

Is it John doing this for me? Can I say? if it is. Mind blown. It's John. Yeah. I think I have to believe that. And he would have loved it.

He would have been so, that was really, he loved all that. And he loved seeing me be successful and do things and them actually work. So yeah, it was just a little win that I was like, yes, got that, did it? I'd quite like to get into you and John as, as a couple and how you work. So I think it is important how you met And it was through a friend Yeah Could you just talk me through the meeting?

I know you've told this story before But it's a lovely story So we'd, right I'd just been on a three-night Antigua And I'd just recently split up with my boyfriend And I was still in that period of like Well, I don't know what I'm going to do And like my life's over

I was like 24 and then on the flight, I always remember this guy, Steve, he was like, oh, you just need to go out more, you need to put yourself out there, you're a good-looking girl, you could do all right. He was like, I've got loads of mates and he lived in Brighton. I was like, oh, okay. Anyway, not expecting to see him again. That Saturday, we landed back the Saturday morning.

That Saturday night, me and the girls decided to go out for a few drinks. And I remember walking into Santa Fe in the lanes, and John was stud with this Steve. And I spotted Steve straight away. So that's that bloat we've just flown with. And then apparently John turned to Steve and was like, who is that girl? Like, do you know her? And of course, Steve was like, yeah, I've just done a trip with her.

And he was like, you need to introduce me to her, immediately. And so they came ushering over. And I just remember him being very smiley, but he'd been really cane in the sunbeds. And he'd shaved his head, so he had a skinhead. And if you've seen pictures of John, you know, he looks lovely with his bushy hair.

So this was not a good look for him. But generally, he was quite an attractive guy. But much older, right? 20 years older than me. And I just remember thinking, why is this old bloke talking to me? Like, what's he interested in me for? But the more we chatted, and he told me his life story, he was getting divorced. He really laid it all out. And I was like, wow, this guy's really oversharing. But he was so lovely with it that I couldn't but, like, just go, I was like, I'm fascinated by you. Were you even at that time aware that this, these kind of attributes in a man

was so rare. Like this openness. He was quite vulnerable with you from the get-go. But he was just a big green flag. Like there was no effing around with John. There was no lying, fibbing, trying to make out he was something he wasn't. Yes.

He was completely himself, very comfortable in his skin as well. I think he was just, he always says, I had met you and he was like, wow. And he always says I had a very severe fringe. I don't think I did, to be honest. What, like mine now? It was, it wasn't severe.

I always said it was just a bit blunt because I used to trim it myself over the sink. But it wasn't severe. But I got what he was getting at. He was like, you were striking. And I didn't have any money. I was like, earning like nine grand a year. I was like, no money whatsoever.

I used to pin my cardigans. So I had this little black cardigan on from All Saints that had all these like safety pins in it where it had ripped. But it still looked quite cute. And he just was like, I just loved that you were just like, you, unapologetically you. Yes. With your big fringe.

and you just looked, you know, cute and you were just so open to me. And I was open. I was an open book even then. And we just clicked. And I was like him. And then we ended up, for whatever reason, me and the girls,

ended up taking him and his mates to a club. That same night, the first night you met. Great, yeah. And the girls I was with weren't really fussed with his mates at all about, what were doing here like? Can we not drop these down and, like, crack up? And so we decided we were going to go to another nightclub after that.

So we were going to, like, decant these girls. at said club and bounce to the next club. Yeah. And so I went over to him and I was like, listen, we're going to make moves now. And he looked a bit like, Don't leave me. Yeah.

And he was like, look, can I get your number? Please, can I have your number? And I was like, no, you can't. But I was like, but he can give me yours. And he said he always thought that was it. It was like he was trying to be polite. I was trying to be polite. Yes, I would have thought that too.

But I did like him. But were you thinking, no, I get to, I get to be. I get to be in charge. Yeah. And I thought I'd like you, but I'm not like in a rush to get into another relationship. And so I took his number and then we got in the cab, we got to the next club. And the next club had had a flood and it was shut. So we're like, oh, what we're going to do now?

And everyone was to get, you know, he gets that point in the night. Bit flowsh. She would just go home. Yeah. So I got back to my flat and it's like two, three in the morning. And I was like, I'm bored now. I'm going to text that bloke. So I texted him that very night.

He said he was buzzing. He couldn't believe it. He was absolutely thrilled. and that was how we started our relationship. Honour. The universe. The destiny of it. Yeah. And the floods, right?

The flood. Because I've had two floods in my life. And they've both been profound in how my life has played out since. Tell me. Second one was that was sofas. Yeah. So second one, you know, we bought our ghost house, brutalist house, subterranean. Anyone that has a subterranean house should know that the water has to get to the ground floor in order to go.

And if that pump that was. pumping the water up fails, you really are in the shit. And we were really in the shit. So one night, after a particularly rainy night, all that water that was meant to be getting pumped up, started to pump into our house. And the entire ground floor was sodden. And as a consequence of that, we ended up having to move out. I've still not moved back in. I've not had my house for a year now. I'm in a year. But what I would say is, would I have wanted John. John died in a rental house. Would I have wanted John dying at the ghost house? No, I bloody wouldn't. No, isn't it? But again, isn't it funny the way that life throws you these curveballs you these curveballs, but they end up being... And one was, to me, it was a tragedy.

The first one felt like a tragedy. Oh, and I won't go clubbing, I can't. And the second one really was tragic, but both of them led me to, in some way, I connected to John in some way. I've never really thought about that till now. But yeah, that was a really... It was a good period of my life that when I first met him. That was good times. And how fast did it move?

So fast. They don't anger about, do they when they like you? I saw her on a TikTok recently. It was someone like, if you want to know if a bloat knows, you'll know if a bloat likes you because they won't mess around. And John really was that guy, you know, he wasn't taking no for an answer. He was booking the dates. He was making the plans.

And I remember I flew to Boston and I got this long essay from him. Because back then there was no iPhones or anything like that. It was just like, you know, your little 3210. So, like, that essay took, you know, there's a lot of scrolling. And it was like, so these are the options for the dates. We can do this and we can meet at this time. We can go here. But I'm thinking, the wine list is quite nice there, but probably won't be able to eat there.

And it's like a proper, like, it was cute. And I got this whole essay back and I just text back and went, I'll see it at Browns at 8. Like, no, because I was the opposite of him, right? We were so opposite. But can I just say something? I bet he loved them. I think he did. Because it was cool.

I was playing it cool. But were you playing it cool? I was cool. I was feeling cool. I wasn't looking at him as like a meal ticket because I knew he had a bit of cash. I wasn't looking at him as like a potential husband because I was like he's way too old for me. So I was like, I don't really need to force this. I can just see where, you know, how it plays out. And I'm so glad I did that because we really got to know each other without the pressure of expectation and of me expecting loads from him.

And does he like me? And, you know, does he fancy me? Because it, well, I knew he really liked me because he told me so. But I wasn't also over things. thinking it. I was allowed to just enjoy it. And that's how I fell in love with him. When did you fall in love with him? I think I fell in love with him at probably two and a half months in. We went to a hotel, Hotel Devan in Bryant. And I just remember we were going out for dinner and we were staying there and he'd bought, he'd been to Reese and he'd bought a job,

a lot of shirts from Reese because we'd had previous instances where I'd been like, I don't really like that, don't really like what you're wearing. Because I just felt very comfortable. to be honest with him. And he'd bought all these shirts and he was trying them on. He looked so handsome because it was a good-looking bloat and he worked out.

And I was just like, my God, I really like this guy. I think I might love him. Like, I care. I care a little bit too much. So, okay, let's go back to abandonment. Yeah. And fear.

Like, because falling in love with someone is a double-edged sword because it's amazing because you are feeling these fantastic feelings and sometimes you know, when it's really intense, there's nothing like it. Like, it's absolutely incredible. But it's also fucking terrifying.

Yeah. So how were you? Yeah, I was like, shit. What if this go, I flipped the script a bit and I became like the, you know, Hi. I don't think you ever noticed. But yeah, I did. I was fearful for the first time since I'd known him.

Because up to that point I hadn't been. I was very like Blasey about it all. It was all on my terms. And I'd be messaging him, meet me at Starbucks in an hour. And he'd like bless him come driving all the way from Kemptown to Hove. Like when he should be working to take me out for an ice coffee. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I was taking the Mick. Because I was testing him as well, right? Yes. And I think that's another sadly flaw that I have with men because you don't have it with women, but I have to test them. Well, it's because you were abandoned. Yeah.

I want to check them out. I saw some out. I'm not surprised. You know, it runs deep that fear. Yeah, it does. I get you. Yeah. I totally understand.

And I understand you. It's not a defect. It's a survival strategy. Yeah. It probably will always be there as well, I suspect. And he just passed every test with flying colors. It was great. He was just a lovely, lovely, wonderful man from the day one.

Sometimes when women start to feel safe, it's like less attractive. How did you keep that going? How soon did you move in together? Because that in itself is quite a kind of... Quick, yes. Within a few months we bought a place together. So we were moving at a right rollicking pace.

What I think helped in the first formative years was that I was crew, right? So wasn't there half the week. Right. So that kept the mystery. Keeps alive. And we, anyone that's ever seen us together, we were like read each other, like finish each other's sentences, that kind of vibes.

Very similar in some ways, very different in others. And he was so wanting me to do well in everything I did throughout our whole marriage that he really moulded himself in ways to me. And as I changed, as I grow, because I think you do, 25 to 35, you're a different person. He's obviously a bit older in his 40s, 50s. He just made sure that he was following. along and making sure he was a sturdy ship for me to like bounce off. And that's that work.

But it is like he wasn't changing because he was, he was a good guy just supporting you, really, wasn't it? It wasn't that he was just dead solid. Yes. And he knew himself. Yes. And he had like a strong moral compass. Like me, I'd be that girl that might, you know, like, listen, I'm that girl

that if I'm in the supermarket and it says, have you got any bag, like, but one bag, two bag, I might not always press two. I might not always press two, I might press one, even though I've got two. I don't know why. Why do we do that? John would never do that. He would have to go back and pay for the extra shopping bag.

I'm that person. If I put two packets of ham in the basket instead of, you know, and he paid for one, he'd give me an answer to back. Like, I would be so anxious. Yeah. That's really funny. You're naughty.

I'm naughty. And he just kept me so like, good. Yeah. And, you know, you've got to do everything right because then no one can catch you out. Yeah. And he was very much like that by the book. And his mum was like that.

And I always think, I always say this, you can tell a lot about a bloke by his mum. And I think the relationship that a man has with his mom is really crucial. And his mom was not to be messed with. She was a real character and a real, like, matriarch. And I really liked her. Oh. And I think she really liked me.

I bet she did. And she always always said to me, I mean, she got to 92, I think she was when she died. But she always said to me, I love you, Lorna, because you make my son very happy. And I really like that because I felt like, oh, I'm doing something good here. Yeah. She made me feel good.

I mean, it is interesting that just by being you, you know, you could create this joy in John, but just by being him, he did the same for you. So what other golden nuggets? You did mention, you've talked about love languages before. Yeah. So talk me through how you guys, used

or how did you kind of work? I mean, I don't think we ever analysed it in the way that people do now. I think all the social media now, we're all analysing ourselves. Back then, you just got on with it. And I do think love languages did play that role in our relationships because we understood what each other wants.

I'll be honest, I need all five, me. I need it all. I'm quite greedy. I'm a greedy lady. I'm like, I need to be touched. I need presents. I need to be told. I look great and I need it all.

But he didn't. He really didn't. He was very... He was very... He just wasn't a greedy man. Yeah. He was like, I'll just take whatever can get. Whatever you're willing to give me, I'll take it.

And I think that sums... That makes me feel a bit sad in a way. But it made me want to give him more. Oh, that's interesting. And he loved cuddles and touch. So he's touched then. And every morning, up until, you know, him leaving this earth, we had to have our 10 minutes snuggle.

Yeah. So every morning, didn't matter what was going on. We're pressing snooze on the alarm, usually my alarm, and we're having that 10 minutes. So that was important to him, but I did like presents,

and I did like him to tell me a little beautiful, and I did need those reassurances. And he just knew. He knew. And he just gave it. And he gave it like it was free. You know, he wasn't tight with it. And I think that's the measure

of a good relationship. When you're generous with one another, Yes. And you have gratitude for each other, right? Because if you're pouring, he was always pouring into my cup, even at the end when he didn't have much to pour into his own. And that's like the measure of a strong person to be with, I think. Lorna, the interesting thing, I think, is that, you know,

if we look at your social media and just know, Lorna, you have, you've got this amazing life with this amazing, home, two homes like we've got the mirrored one and the, you know, goes to house and it all seems so spectacularly huge and exotic. And what's been interesting is

that you could think oh well it was all about him. You know, from what you're saying and how you've talked about him he gifted you so much. But what I see is what you did for him in that love.

year of seeing like how he was diminishing and not wanting him to be invisible, that's so beautiful. That year, that last year was a real crap. It really was. And you're right, we did have all these nice things around us. But that's when shit really gets real. Because it doesn't matter how much stuff you've got. you're all subject to the same fear, right?

Which is your own mortality. Yes. And we were watching it and we couldn't control it at all. And yeah, it was really eye-opening for me that. It's made me change my thoughts around having stuff. Like it makes me want to just like go travelling and just discover myself a little bit and not be so fixed to things because they can still be taken away. Yeah.

Like my one thing that was solid in my life has been whipped out of me. And I had no control over that. So it's like what's the point of having a lot of the minute? It's almost like a feel a bit. What's been really brilliant because obviously this podcast is called begin again, right? That really resonates with me at the beginning because I am literally like mid-forties. I've got to begin again because I've got no children, not married. I'm in between homes

and that's a bloody nightmare in itself what's gone down there I just feel like nothing is sturdy in my life obviously my got great pals and my mum but it really feels like a flipping act this is like this is really quite

this could be quite dark I had a choice right which way to go after John died I could have gone down that I'm not getting out of bed and this is the end for me I hate my life or what I'm trying to do at the minute

which is to be like right come on me and John have got business to build we've put a lot of work into this I'm not going to drop the ball now and let's raise some money for charity in John's name let's do this, let's do things to remind people that John's this incredible bloat I got to know and witness which is why I'm still

posting about him and I'm sure some people don't really want to see it but I love seeing old videos of him we love it be yourself and listen to yourself I think you've said a couple of times that he'd said to you I thought when I got sick you would leave.

Yeah. You did say that. Which is like mental to me. Can you imagine? Right? That's when you need me most, what you're talking about. Yeah. And that's, I was a bit offended when he said that.

That was his fear. I was a bit upset with him for saying that. Because I thought, what kind of person do you think I am? But I understand he in himself felt as though almost like anyone. You don't be a burden, do you? And I was like, you are not a burden. you are, you know, a huge part of my life. You are my business partner, my best mate.

We are so many things to one another. This is the time when I've got you back. Like, this is where I'm going to roll my sleeves up and show people how it's done. And I really did that. I really thought, no, I'm not having this. I'm, you know, I advocated him. When he went into hospital with sepsis,

I was the first person, you know, I was there. I didn't care about opening hours. You know, you can't come until 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I don't think so. Not on my watch. I was parking. Can I just say I bet you are, I bet you are someone to do what about with your... I was not messing around.

Yeah, there's no messing about. I get it. And I would take chocolates in for the nurses. But equally, I was taking sandwiches in for him because I was like, he's not eating this slop. And that is, you know, he wouldn't eat. There was a whole week where he hadn't eaten anything. I said, what are you doing? And he's like, well, I just don't want to go on anymore.

And I was like, no, we're not doing that. We just need you to get better now. And that was May of last year, right? And he got, he had an extra. you know, six, seven months or whatever. So I'm glad that we did that because he said to me when he got home, I'm really glad that you kicked my ass

because I was on a bit of a loader. I was feeling lower and lower and I needed you there to just have my back. So, yeah, I don't know, just so many things have happened in the last year. So what? This is the most, I think, I've given it airtime in my head because I normally pull the drawer open

and have a little lock think about it for about 10 minutes and then I'm like, right, okay, we won't talk about that again and we'll just do something else. Get distracted. It's good. It's a good strategy. Yeah, it's working. It is working.

Who's looking after you? My mum. My mates. Myself a little bit. Goes back to that resilience piece. I can do this. My business. Got to show up.

Tell me about that. How's that going? It was absolutely parts of it were on its arse when John was really unwell. You know, I've got a fashion brand. I'm not getting dolled up, am I. I'm in my pyjard. I've been in the same pyjamas for three weeks, not wash my hair. So that was not working well.

But then I also had, you know, a hair brand, a beauty brand with other people involved. They were like, don't worry about it. We'll crack on and sort this out. So very different. And then also my personal brand. You know, a lot of my money comes from my own business, my own business, me. Yeah. Wasn't doing any of that.

So it was quite scary. My house is like falling around. You know, everything was like there's lots of bills coming in. There's lots of bills related to John as well. God. That was quite a scary period. Didn't really understand. Didn't have a bank card.

You know, I think day two of John dying, I had to order a bank card because I didn't have one. Day three, I tried to pay a bill using his app. and it wouldn't go through and I rang the bank and the man went can I just ask why are you trying to log into John Andrews's app

and I was like well I don't have one and he was like well you need to get your own because this is you can't do that oh my God so you couldn't get access

to my own any money and oh my God it was a lot like what did you do I just had to make a lot phone calls and listen I'm still sorting

things out and there was a lot that first week I was like a flipping it John what the hell of you laugh me with it's a car crash but bit by bit

bite of size chunks, each day, I'll open a letter and we'll deal with it. Yes. And it's still the same today. And sometimes I get a few letters through the post and I sit there staring at them. And then at some point I sit down around and right, come on it. And they're not as scary as you think it would there be. And I have found it the funniest thing I've found is like, you'll ring someone up. So I rang up Sky Digital because the sky was going to be cancelled because the diary

tabit hadn't gone through. They were loved. It could have been lovelier. So nice. And when I told her that John had died, she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And really, like, lovely. I rang up one utility company and I told them John had died. And she was like, hang on, can you just hold on a set?

Because my screens just crashed. Didn't even acknowledge it. And then she's like, right, so hang on. So what we need to do is get you, we need to change the name to you. And she didn't mention it. I thought, that's a bit weird. People are funny though, aren't they? Some people can't talk about it.

We don't know what their experience is, right? I was that. So, yeah. If someone has a friend, like how is the best way to, handle it. What do people do? What do you need? What did you need? I needed people to acknowledge it. Right. And not more than that. And it's lovely when people are like, let's go for a drink. Should we go for a wine? Do you want to do? I don't always need that. I think I prefer the regular check-ins. You know, just a, you're all right. Just a quick car and you're right. Hope today's

good. Tell me something about you. Because it's boring as well. Yeah. You know, a lot of the grieving process He's just sat, you know, watching telly. Yeah. And thinking, is this it now? And it's boring. So anything for me was about titillated me and like keeping me company. And my mates did a really good job of that, to be honest. There was a lot of group chats flying around.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this on air, but one of my group chats is called. And it's me and two girlfriends. And it's just the funniest thing. And every day I go in, so I look forward to whatever the cuss are going to say today. And again, it's just, you know, just sharing, it's distraction. Yeah. And I loved those group chats.

Right. Because I didn't, you know, in a group chat, you're not expected to contribute, but you can still partake in it. You're included, but you don't have to be involved. Yes. And I really liked that. So great chats were the win for me and still are. And it's the checking in, I think, that you were talking earlier about loneliness. It just kind of stops you being quite so lonely.

Yeah. There are people still there. Yeah. And that distraction. And also, what I thought was brilliant. because when my mum and dad got divorced, my mum always said, I lost a lot of my friends

because all those couple friends were nowhere to be seeing. Yeah, they don't want to invite you around. A single woman on their own, I had a similar thing. Really? Suddenly like a spare part, it's quite weird. People don't know what to do with you.

I haven't had that experience. No, it's bizarrely. It's been my couple friends have invited me on holidays. I mean, I don't think they want me going on their holiday, but it's nice that they asked me. Yeah, nice to be asked, right? Or they've got together with another couple

and said, right, let's do this. and we've organised a lunch or a dinner and let's, you know, have a bit of a giggle. I really appreciated that because I thought I'm going to lose some pals here and that's been, yeah, quite the opposite. Before you died, John talked to you a little bit about you meeting someone else.

John never said, we never had a full on chat about a person that I would end up with. Oh no, but like the idea, the concept of meetings. John was always kind of like you need people around you. You need company and you need to stay social and you need to make sure when I'm not around that you have lots of people you can play with

because you need that stimulation and I remember when we moved from Brighton to the Midlands and we live in the middle of nowhere and he was like, I'm a bit worried about this because I'm going to be living in the ghost house and you're going to be fucking off to London all the time and partying because you love going out and I said I won't do that

and of course I'd started to do that and I had to rein it in a bit because he certainly isn't like me in that sense. He just likes, you know, he's quite chill. So I think he knew very much my personality type is to be quite busy. But I think how that's playing out at the minute is that I'm really like throwing myself into work.

Yes. I don't know if this is a good thing. I've heard people say, oh, you shouldn't do that. You're just delaying the inevitable. You're not grieving properly. You're spending too much time working, you're not giving yourself the time to grieve. There's no grieving properly.

you grieve however you like. I think I just need to manage it. But also, it's a personal thing that makes me up. I'm seeing people. Yeah. And I'm doing things. Grief is a really personal thing. Like everybody grieves differently. I think that sometimes is a problem. So if a couple have lost a child, you know, when the couple grieve differently, sometimes that can be very difficult for a couple, even though the same thing has happened to them both. It's such a personal thing, grief. Yeah. And that's the other weird thing, right? Because we didn't, he didn't. have much family and I haven't got a big family. So when he went, it wasn't like I was grieving in a gang. Right. I did have my mom obviously, but I still feel a bit like it's just I'm like a one-man band here. Does anyone else miss John? Is it just me missing him? And I think that's why I'm talking about him a lot. He's front and centre of a lot of the things that I do and make decisions about the minute because I don't want people to forget him because if I don't talk about him, he was going to

talk about him. And that would piss me off if people forgot about him. So this is his legacy. It's his legacy. In a lot of ways. And he was such a great person. So I was like, you can't forget him. He's great. And please keep talking about him because I think he's an amazing example

for other men. Oh yeah, he's smash him. You know, let's get more Johns in the world. This is the thing. Where are all these Johns? Because I don't see that many people like him that move like him. and operate with that full, transparent chill. And with no edge, he had no edge, John.

What do you mean by that? There was no sharp edges. There was no unexpected turns from him. You knew exactly what you were getting. And he was just really solid and perfect, I would say. That's how I'd describe him. It's a hard act to follow. He is a very hard act to follow.

I don't think, I mean, you could say that that's my great love, right? Everyone has a great love, don't they? I'd be more than happy if that's me one and done. Quite happy with that. I'm not complaining. We've been talking a lot about your mum. We have. And we've got a little something from her for you.

Okay, what is it? It's not a bad photo of me, is it? It's not a bad photo of you. Can I just say? She does probably have a few of those. I don't think there are any. Oh, trust me, there's loads. But I just wondered if I give this to you, will you read it out loud?

I will. Yeah. And notice the colour of the envelope, please. He's all very on brand for you. Yeah, I hope that's... So she's written this? Yep. I'll be an out my own an essay.

This is like these podcasts that she sends me on voice notes. Okay. My lovely Lorna, I feel so proud and honoured to be your mum. Some one one said, we are like friends or sisters. I disagreed. Because our bond is the strongest there is, mum and daughter, I am blessed, just like we spoke about. I have been privileged to witness so many milestones and achievements in your life.

From your numerous brownie badges. Your Oscar-winning performance in the school musical, everyone was stunned at that voice. Passing every piano exam with distinction and top marks in all those other exams. In fact, you leave me breathless at your determination to be successful whilst having fun. This is so cute. When you went to university, your uncle predicted that within a few weeks you'd turn into a grunge with combat boots. I knew better.

You saved up and bought a Gucci watch. And being the fake tan queen since age 14, you didn't disappoint when virtually all the girls in the halls suddenly turned orange. And influence it in the making for sure it's true. I had a more fake tan him. I've also been so proud of how you've got through the last few months without John. And indeed, since his first diagnosis, not easy. And I honestly don't know if I would have had the same strength to do. what you've done.

In your inimitable way, you ensured that you would use every opportunity to create valuable memories and experiences for John, which I know he was so happy about. Near the end, you nursed him through the darkest time. You fought for him in hospital when it seems they wanted to give up. He became the boomerang kid, bouncing back each time because of his desire to stay with you as long as he could, until his physical strength gave up. I've learnt so much from your fortitude in navigating an extremely difficult situation

and despite your own fear your quiet courage enabled you to continue to focus on actions that could make John's last weeks as comfortable and loving as possible on a personal level as an only child you have always been happy with your own company but I know that you also need to have someone special in your life I really hope and pray

that there is a special someone waiting in the wings for you when you are ready to fly again Lorna you are beautiful inside and out great to be with kind, generous, smart and funny you are a special and unique person you are my Lorna love you, mum, flipping heck that is, yeah

she's just brilliant my mum she is I feel like she's just narrated our chat we've talked about some of these things on here the boomerang kid and you know when I said who's got you Yeah? Oh yeah, she has.

She's amazing. She's a class act. You need to get her on her. She's got a much more interesting story than me. I'm not sure about that. She's just brilliant. Thank you for this. Can I keep this? Yeah, it's yours. It's a framer. It's a framer. It's a framer.

Oh. And in the green envelope as well. Lorna, I just want to say, I've really, really enjoyed this chat. You are amazing. Yeah. You are like a brilliant example of somebody that's been through something so traumatic and you are literally beginning again. But I can't wait to see your next chapter. Thank you. And just want to say good luck with all of it. I really appreciate it. I really loved hearing about John from you. I've taken so much comfort from this Natter. Oh, good. It's been a really lovely way of talking about him. Yeah, good. And you made it safe and

yeah, good. Thank you. I appreciate that. I really do. I appreciate you. Can I hug you? Yeah. Stay there. I'm coming. I'm a little bit sweating now. I'm coming over. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm I'm sweaty too. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate it. So just in case you missed this episode here, if you love this episode, I know you're going to love that.