Begin Again with Davina McCall - Marisa Peer: The 3 Words That Will Change Your Life! The Perfection Trap We Don't Talk About. Your Life Today Isn't Forever.

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

In this episode of Begin Again, Davina is joined by Marisa Peer—world-renowned therapist, Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) trainer, and best-selling author. With nearly three decades of experience, Marisa has been celebrated for her impactful approach to transforming lives. In this conversation she shares practical tools to empower listeners, highlighting the profound impact of self-belief, thought control, and how shifting your mindset can set you on a path toward fulfillment, resilience, and personal growth. Follow me here: www.instagram.com/beginagain https://www.tiktok.com/@beginagainpod  (0:00) Intro (0:58) Get A Pen & Paper! (2:27) The Path To Inner Peace (4:55) Building Self-Esteem: Steps To Love Yourself (7:15) How To Truly Love Yourself: Practical Tips (8:58) Mind And Body Connection: Why It Matters (13:22) Parenting Tips For A Healthier Family Bond (17:03) What Is RTT Therapy And How It Can Transform You (24:19) Best Places To Practise Self-Affirmations (25:09) How Long Does It Take To See Real Change Within? (27:20) Spotify Ad (28:20) Adobe Ad (29:16) Overcoming Perfectionism: Strategies That Work (33:26) The AAA Approach: A Proven Method For Personal Growth (39:22) Why The AAA Method Is So Effective For Change (46:13) Is Redemption Possible For Everyone? (49:29) Key Takeaways (51:02) ZOE Ad Sponsored by: Shopify - Shopify.co.uk/DAVINA Adobe - https://www.adobe.com/uk/express/ ZOE - https://zoe.com and use code DAVINA10 SetArtwork provided by Kimi Zoet. Enquiries: [e-mail] https://g2ul0.app.link/oQMAPbdSGNb Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I know I'm going to get ghosted. I know I'm going to mess that up. Your mind is rehearsing that now. So when it comes to it, that's exactly what you do. How long do you think it takes for somebody to change? So the first step is you've got more chance being abducted by a Martian than finding love at 55. Who told you that? Probably a magazine.

Is it true? No, it's not true. I think we feel sometimes when we get to the middle stages of our lives that these are just so entrenched we can't change. Always go back. to what am I thinking, and then question it. Every day the mind is sending messages to the body. See, if you can change those messages, you can change. Wow, that's so true.

So how do we say those words, I am enough? It's never too late to say it to yourself. It will nourish you so much. If you change your thought, it changes your behaviour. And then the next step is... I love that you said that. So I'm going to break from the norm here. and I'm going to say we are going to put this little bit,

which is normally at the end of the pod, at the beginning, because I'm going to give you a piece of advice. You need to go and get a pen and a piece of paper if you can, and if it's safe, don't do it, if you're driving, right now. Because this is one of those pods where literally every single minute there is a golden nugget of information that you're going to want to write down. There are lots of kind of alliteration things. Like there's an AA, there's a PPP, there's an RTT.

Like, you need to write this stuff down. If you're going to take one thing away from this podcast, it's this. Go and write, I am enough everywhere. On a post-it, stick it everywhere on your bathroom mirror, get some pillows. Start a business. And just print, I am enough on a load of things. Because I just don't think many of us feel that we are.

And Marissa is going to show you how you can genuinely and honestly and truly change your life by believing that you are enough. That's a promise. Marissa Pia. So excited to have you here with me. I mean, I've been a long time admirer and obviously we've worked together a little bit as well. What I love is that you are a great belief. in that you can heal yourself.

Yeah. And how did you come to that? Because if it started with hypnosis, that's obviously going into someone's mind. Yeah. Well, it's started with hypnosis, but, you know, I've been a therapist my entire adult life now, and I've always been very inquisitive. And very quickly, I realize it, although we're told, you know, the mind is very complicated and complex.

That's not actually true. It's very simple. First of all, your mind does what it thinks you want it to do based on what you tell it. So if you go, oh, my God, this chocolate is amazing, or this is better than sex, or I'm going to do all that work and then have some chocolate. Or, oh, let's have chocolate with being good, or let's have chocolate, let's be bad. Your brain, you know, his brain is like a feedback. It's a robot, really. You feed it stuff and it feeds it back.

So the first thing is, whatever you're doing, your mind thinks you want to do that because somewhere you told it that. Secondly, the way you feel about everything is really just down to the pictures you make in your head. Like if someone said I've got, you know, dog's milk chocolate or cats with it, oh, no, I don't really fancy that. Because the picture's now completely different. If someone spat on your child, wouldn't it all? If we said, hey, I've got chocolate from Ghana, it doesn't sound the same as Swiss chocolate. So it's the pictures you make in your head and the words you form. And thirdly, which is the thing that people find the most vexing is the mind will go back to what something, to what's familiar.

So, you know, the more your parents give you chocolate for your birthday and Christmas and celebrations, and the more you say, oh, you've been so good you can have dessert, or you pass that, because I'm going to go out for ice cream. Now you've made rewarding yourself with sugar so familiar. And the brain is hardwired to go back to what's familiar while going away from what is unfamiliar. But then you think, well, I can make it unfamiliar. I can just say, I don't really want that anymore. That's not my friend.

People say, you know, it's my friend. You know, those cookies are my friends. They're not your friend. They're just fat and sugar. So if you can change the pictures in your head, change what it means to you and start to link pain towards it, not pleasure. You know, for instance, when I had an oncologist, he said to me, oncologists, don't eat sugar.

And that's not sure a lot of them do, but in his insince. And he said, you know, don't eat sugar. Sugar feeds cancer. So that changed the pictures in my head very quickly. and that's a good thing. I think we feel sometimes when we get to maybe 40, like the middle stages of our lives, that these are just so entrenched we can't change.

You know, when that's played so many times that even when you try and think of something positive, it still comes back, this is ridiculous, you're not enough, you can't do this. And that starts in school, you know, we know that expression, comparisons, a thief of joy, but that's where it begins. You know, babies born going, I'm not enough.

You know, I was looking at my little grandson. I said, you've got like triple thighs, and he's just the cute and nobody goes oh god look at me I've got three knees here I've got triple thighs I've got no hair

I've got milk spots I've got a little fat tummy I've got baggy crinkly butt therefore I'm not enough babies are certain they're enough and so we have to ask us well where does it go

and it goes and when we begin this you know your sister could read when she was five your brother he never got food on the floor your cousin is so good and then we go to school and they stream you

which is a terrible terrible thing for the kids or not in the tops. And they have, yeah, they stream kids. They have the high group. And then they have the kids who never get picked. You know, I remember when I was that's where people pick you to be in their team. There's always one who's never picked. And, you know, what does that do to children's self-esteem? Creative people are suggestible people. You know, they can look at a room and change it. She's so like that. Because in the head, but you see that this is the problem. That can be the greatest gift and the worst thing ever because what are you suggesting to yourself, oh, it's not really that good. I don't know how I pulled the off it.

So creative people are very fragile. People think, you know, musicians and artists are fragile. Creative people are all fragile. Look at Kate Spade. You know, they, no matter how good they are, they doubt themselves. And the other thing is when you're that talented and you can write a song in five minutes or write a book in a week or you think, oh yeah, but I didn't work for it. Therefore, it doesn't have any value, but what I call the self-destructed of talent. I didn't earn it, so I'll get rid of it. We know that 70% of lottery winners are completely broke in three years. The same thing, I didn't earn it.

So I'm going to get rid of all of it. And if I didn't earn love and I didn't earn respect, then there's a huge part of us that wants to get rid of it because we can't value it because we didn't earn it. So how do we find a way of chipping away being able to re- or say those words? I am enough. Well, first of all, stop comparing yourself. You know, you're unique. There's no one in the world like you.

You have to stop this comparison. And social media, of course, breeds comparing. There's always someone younger, taller, thinner, and better than you. Always. But you have to go, but that's okay because I'm me and I've got my own skill set, my own talent. So you got to, you know, I was working a little boy recently. You said, I'm not good at history.

I said, darling, you're good at computers. That's it. Imagine if the whole world was good at everything. We'd never go out for dinner. We'd make all our own clothes. We wouldn't employ a gardener. We'd do our own house. There'd be no plumbers or electricians.

You're supposed to be good at one thing. And you're here on the patent to find the one thing you're good at and be better at it. It doesn't matter if you can't do sport. It doesn't matter if you can't do history. Just do IT. That's your gift. And so that's the thing is go back to what are you good at? What do you love?

and just focus on just that one thing, because you're here to find out what you're good at and then perfect it. And of course, with all these YouTube tutorials, you can perfect anything. But when you try to be good at everything, I've got to be a great mom and a fantastic wife and a nymphomaniac in the bedroom and then I've got to be an amazing chef and I've got to be, it's too much, you know. Just be good at something. Be good at being yourself. You don't have to be good at everything. Nobody really cares. You know, the people who like you don't care that you're not good at everything. And if you were good at everything, you'd be the loneliest person in the world

because that would intimidate everybody to. Every day the mind is sending messages to the body and then interpreting the one's coming from the body back again. So if you can change those messages, you can change your entire life. You know, your mind's job is to make your thoughts, really. And if you doubt that, think of this. Every time you feel sad, do your eyes fill up with tears? Even if you're watching a Kleenex advert.

When you think of something embarrassing, you can go bright red. Think of sex. You can get very eternal when you're on your own. And when you think of food, your stomach rumbles. So we know that when we think our body is making our thoughts real. When we think of the placebo, what you think of a drug will affect you more than what's in it. Because we know that the body is constantly making our thoughts real. So when you think it's all going to go wrong, I know I'm going to get ghosted,

I know I'm going to mess that up. Sadly, your mind is rehearsing that now. So when it comes to it, that's exactly what you do. But if you think, this is going to be amazing, this is going to be great, this is going to be fantastic, that tends to come true as well. So the thing is, we don't, you know, I always think if you imagine your mind is like a Ferrari and you're going to drive them, but you've had no Ferrari driving lessons. You wouldn't be able to handle a Ferrari, but your brain is the Ferrari, and if you could learn to handle it, you could make it go wherever you wanted it to go. And it's very simple. It's really coming back to the way you feel is the pictures you make and the words. So if you say, oh, you know, I hate speaking in public. I'm no good with

confrontation. I really can't bear to be the focus of attention. Then that's a thought that becomes a fixed thought. It's not fleeting. You've said it. You've now made it fix. And once you have a fixed thought, you act in a way that matches that thinking. If you woke up and thought, I'm not enough, I'm just not interesting enough. You're going to feel anxious, bloated, sad. I mean, there's no good thought you can have, I'm not enough. And then you act in a way often you don't act. You stay home. You don't take risks because the loop is because I'm not enough. And if you just flip that, well, I am enough, then you think completely different. You think, well, I'm confident, I can take action because I'm enough and you behave differently.

And I was teaching this to children from all over the world about two years ago. And I made a big triangle on the floor with masking tape. And we had like a flip chart at each point. And the first flip chart was write a thought that's not good. And one kid wrote, I'm stupid. One kid wrote I'm ugly. And one kid wrote I don't have any friends. And then they ran to the next point and they had to write a feeling that came from them.

And the feeling was, well, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm blocked. And then they ran to behavior. And the behavior was, I cry. Or when I act out. And then they ran back to the thought. And after a while, they realized it's the thought that was running the feelings and the action.

So they changed it. They just took out. And one said, I'm smart. One said, I'm beautiful. Once I got lots of friends. Now they run into a feeling. And they said, I feel brave. I feel confident.

When they ran to behavior, the kid who said he was stupid, and I asked the teacher to explain stuff because I'm smart. And the one who's, said she didn't have any friends and I invite people to my house everybody likes me so at nine they got it that people think feelings come first but they don't you can't have a feeling of being scared of a dog unless you think you're scared of dogs and it's much easier to change thoughts and it's to change feelings or even behavior so always go back to what am i thinking and then question it i'm thinking i'm never going to find love at my age you can't make it if you didn't go to

and then question that thought, is that really true? Even if it is, is it true for me? Where did that thought come from? Who told me that? You got more chance being abducted by a Martin than finding love at 55. Who told you that? Probably a magazine.

Is it true? No, it's not true. And even if it is, it's not true for you. It's not true for you. So you go back, when you question it, if you don't believe it. So question it, where did it come from? Why do I believe it?

Who told me that? true? Can I make it untrue? And then your beliefs are yours to change, so change it, just like those nine-year-old kids did. I really hope you're enjoying this episode. And if you can, give us a follow. Parenting today is a place of great anxiety. I mean, you know, I just, I feel like parents before social media, we weren't being told what to do, or we weren't seeing how all loads of teenagers can go wrong. I mean, there's just so much to get at. I know. But, But again, just before we started recording you and I were talking about, like, how long do people watch their kids for? I mean, I know people who have tracked their kids or gone through their bags when they're 17, 18.

How wrong is this for kids? And what can parents do about it? Because it is hard. Just simple things. Like, for instance, you know, when I always talk to my daughter, that's a vagina. It's not a flower. It's not a foo-foo. It's not a woo-woo.

Yes. I don't want to say, can I have a look at your flower? So it is a vagina. And no one touches it. Not even, Mommy, you wash yourself because you can't stop your kids being molest, but you can give them power to go, no. And then you teach some stranger danger to shout out.

I don't know this. I mean, I've seen kids. I'm sure dragged out of the store crying. But if they could shout out, this is a stranger. So you can't wrap them up, but you can teach them some stuff. You know, my daughter says, Mommy, how'd you make a boy like you?

They disagree with everything they say. Have an opinion. Be a bit difficult. Don't go, I like that, you like it. You know, be your own person. I had a thing where I thought, my God, this didn't happen when I was young, which is teaching your girls to, how do you turn down the request for a nude? Yeah.

And this is something I had to teach my girls. They got those requests quite early via text. And I thought they're probably, you know, sending 50 texts out to 50 different girls, thinking one will say yes. Yeah. And I always said do it with humour. Like, well, you're going to have to work a lot harder than that if you would. See a photo and they'd go away because they'd think, oh, she's really confident.

So the job of a parent and the job of a school is to raise children with very high self-esteem. But no parents given a booklet saying, how do you do that? And how you raise kids with high self-esteem is you say, you know, your gift is art. Or you're so good with your brother. I see how kind you are with the grandparents. And you point at what they're good at. And when they do something bad, you don't go, you're bad. You say, you're a good kid, but you did a bad thing.

You're a smart kid and you did a silly thing. And you were asked them questions. And I said to my daughter, I will never punish you for telling the truth ever. And then you've got to stick with it. You've got to stick with it when they go, I've spilled and nail varnish on the floor. And so my daughter would tell me things that made my eyes pop out on stalks. But she knew she would never be punished for telling them. She told me stuff that was really about her friends and things they got up to.

But she always knew, and I would always say you can bring anyone home. You know, when you're out, you can bring anybody home. And so you have to be a safe place for your children. I think that's, they have to come up and say, Mom, you know, I've sent someone a nude. You know, we've heard of a few boys who killed themselves because they sent out these nude pictures. And they were so scared of letting the parents down or upsetting them. So always start with, I'll never punish you for telling me the truth.

I'll never judge you. You can tell me anything. I might not like it, but I'll listen. Because, you know, they need to be able to tell you stuff. And often people will say I didn't know who to tell. There was no one I could go to. I was scared of them being ashamed or being angry. But if you're that parent that says, I may not like it,

but I'm just going to listen and accept that that's who you are. You're not like me and I'm not like you. Could you tell me about RTT? Sure. and what it is and how it came about. Yeah, so RTT means rapid transformation therapy. And I came about it because, you know, clients were coming and say,

hey, I've been in therapy for 10 years. I know why I get angry, but I'm still angry, or I know why I drink, but I still drink. And I thought that's interesting, that they know why they do it, but they can't change it. I always thought therapy should be no different to going to A&E. If I go to A&E, so, here, I broke my arm, I'm not going to go well.

We've got to build trust together now. and the whole relationship of fiction is going to be about how much we trust each other. But that's what they say about therapy. Therapy is based on the relationship between the therapist and the patient and the trust. Each other was a bit odd. I mean, I kind of get it. But when people come to there, they're in pain. You know, if you went to the dentist because your tooth had fallen out,

or the doctor because you broke your leg or the carpet because you hurt your back, their job is get you out of pain today. And I thought therapy should get you out of pain today, like every other healing modality, but it doesn't. And so I thought, well, why don't I create something different? You know, if you want to be successful in life, you have a couple of options, invent something, inherit something, or take something out there and improve it. You know, Lulu Lemon, improved leggings, Starbucks improved coffee, Dyson, and improved hair dryers.

So I thought, I could improve therapy. I could make it better. And so I did. And then I've had this technique, and it's, I mean, it's very simple. find the pattern, understand the pattern, change the pattern, all in the same session. So I had someone with terrible OCD who was cleaning her teeth 20 times a day in a ritual. It was all to do with living in the craziest family, multiple partners, multiple kids, in and out of foster care, given to different relatives. And she had a belief, I have no control. But if I control

the cushions and the cutlery, then I'm in control. And so Artiti is like, well, let's go back and look at this little girl in this crazy life and say any kid would have felt the way you felt. This is a normal reaction to something abnormal. When children can't control what's going on, they think I'll never step on the cracks. They try to control in here because they can't control out there. And sometimes they create another character. They split their personality.

This happens to Janie, but Susan doesn't happen to hers. They even can create a multiple personality by trying to control something. So the first step is, let's look at it with fascination. You see, the word cure comes from the word curious. Let's be curious. Why did that happen? What was going? What did you believe?

It's never judging. It's like, oh, that happened. And it actually is kind of normal for you to act like that. So now we've understood the pattern. And then the next step is to change the pattern. So find the pattern is the first step. Understand it. But then change it.

Say, look, that's not you. You're not a little girl of six living with this mother who was an alcoholic. you're a grown-up woman, and you're in a different world. And only last week I was working with a woman whose mother had completely abandoned her for all kinds of reasons. And she couldn't let anybody really love her, and she was scared of having her own child. And I was doing this session on live. I had about 500 people watching it. And I said, look, darling, you don't need a mother.

You think you need a mother, but you're a grown-up woman. You might want a mother, but I don't need her. Say that again, over and over again. I want it, but I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need a mother. No woman of 40 needs a mother. Because what we're doing is we're doing some neuroplasticity, making a state something over until the brain. You see, it's the familiar and unfamiliar. Now we're making it familiar. I'd like a lovely mother. I don't need one. I said, your mom's going to die one day.

You'll have to get used there to not having her around. You don't need her. Imagine she's come back into your life tomorrow. And she's living in your house, making you coffee, making you running you a business, running you bath. He goes, oh, I couldn't stand that. I said, because you know why? You don't want it and you don't need it. What was so interesting is a week later, the mother sent her a message going, hey, how are you? Could you send me some pictures? I haven't heard from you for a while. She said it was so weird because I looked at that message and no way I think, oh my God. And I thought, she's just a friend. She's just a friend. Not a great friend, but, oh, and she sent her

the photos because I'd said to her, your mother can only now be a friend. She can't be a mother. You're 40. She's 70-something. And so what's so interesting is because we have this universal brain. When you change how you think, someone who's connected will also change how they think about you. I really like this idea of you talking about neuroplasticity. Yeah. Because that word plasticity feels like it changes possible. Because that's what plastic surgeon. Plastic surgery means. It means to mold. It doesn't mean putting plastic in your face. It means to mold to shape. It's a Greek word plastic. And so when you can change your thinking, you can change absolutely everything. So RTT goes back and find some key

scenes. It deals with unfinished business. And then it presents to the client, look, you know, your dad was 18 when he had you. He was more immature than you. You didn't get a great dad. That's a great shame. But what would a great dad have said to you? I was working with a kid recently who was so angry. I said, darling, I'd love to give you a great dad. I'd give you the next, but what next best thing? What would a great dad? He'd go, I don't know. I said, but you do. You do. Of course he's 17. Of course, I go, whatever. And I said, what would he say? And he went, say he was proud of me. He said, I'm a great kid. He said, you're the kid any day. And then he suddenly went for it. And we began to say all

these things because the brain doesn't know or care. So if I said to someone, you're amazing, that's good. But if you say it, the brain is the same as someone else saying. In fact, it's better because I could say you're amazing to manipulate someone. You're amazing. Can you learn me some money? You're amazing. Can you learn me some money? You're amazing. Can you me your car. If I said to myself, I'm amazing, there's no agenda, so it will sink in much better. And I said to me, darling, if I put balm on my skin now because it was dry, that balm would nourish me. But the words of the balm that are going to nourish you, wherever they come from, they'll still nourish you. So at 17 you began to say, I'm smart, I'm a great kid, any dad would

be proud of me. And because the words are so impactful, even though he was saying them, It changed his whole life completely. And so we all should think, hey, what have I never heard? One bit of RTD is called the missing bit. The missing bit of you. The words you never heard. The praise you never got. And it's like, well, it's never too late to say it to yourself,

but will nourish you so much. So start saying, I matter. I'm smart. I'm interesting. I've got something to offer the world or people like me. I'm fun. I'm a good person. I'm a great friend. I'm a wonderful partner. Say it. State it, affirm, and embody it. Because of course, when you start to make that familiar, the brain will always go to what's familiar. And our job is to make bad stuff unfamiliar.

Yes. And good stuff, especially self-praise. You know, there's nothing that will grow your esteem like praise. When you're saying these things to yourself, is there kind of, a great place to do it. Would it be in front of your bathroom mirror in the morning? Or would it be lying? The shower is good because it's a very meditative, the water. What else are you going to do in the shower? I love the smell of this grapefruit condition.

You might as well use that time in the shower to go, I matter, I'm smart, I'm enough, I'm lovable, I'm significant. Remember those needs? We start off. I'm significant. I'm connected. I'm lovable. I matter.

Say it over and over again. And then say it in the mirror. And what will happen is, You might feel very sad and tearful. You might even feel angry. You might think, oh, this is so stupid. It just means you haven't yet made it familiar. If you keep doing the brain goes, oh, here you go again. You say that every day it must be true, and then it will sink in. How long do you think it takes for somebody to change that pathway? You know, we've heard the 21 days. It takes 21 days for a new belief to come in and no belief to go. And it can, but it can take 21 seconds. If ever you've had food poised. and brought up. You think, oh, God, I can never eat oysters again. And I was a kid, my grandma used to give me whiskey when I had a cold. And it was so disgusting that I can't even smell whiskey.

And so my brain link pain to that immediately. But sometimes you can change very quickly. My friends, you know, I went into an abattoir and I came out and able to ever eat meat again. She was on some trip. And she said, and that change took minutes. I just thought, oh, no, I can't do that. So it can take 21 days. It can also take 21 seconds.

And in fact, you get to change twice every day of your life. If you change a thought, it changes your behavior. So we're always changing. The difference is you can influence and shape change in your life. Someone said to me recently, what's it like getting old? I said, well, it's better than the alternative, don't you think? It's a gift some people will never get. My best friend in the world died negatively.

two years ago and she's never, she's never going to get to get old. She would love to get old and have wrinkles and have grandchildren. So you have to think, oh gosh, I'm getting old or my kids have left home or that didn't work out. But can you reframe that? If your problem is someone else's fantasy dream come true. And for someone in the world it is, whatever your problem is, your husband leaves his pants on the floor, your 16 year old kid hates you. Oh, God, that's so true. That's someone's fantasy. Oh, I'd love it. I love it. I love it. I love it is. Whatever. It's a that problem. You've got a difficult boss. You commute to work for an hour. You've got to travel all over the world on a plane. Oh my God. It's so true. I love that problem. And what would you've given 10 years ago to have that problem?

Wow, that's so true. You have to do. It's just reframe it. The whole, the whole therapy thing is about reframing. And the success in life is, can you reframe it? Can you think, actually, this is a great thing. I got fired. I'm going to find something better. I love a life hack. You know, anything that lets me work smarter. not harder. That's why Shopify is a partner of my podcast because honestly their whole platform is like one giant life hack. If you run your own business and you want to sell products online, I know this is going to help you. Are you building a website? I mean, where do you even start, right? It's a bit like climbing Everest. It just seems so huge, a massive project to take on. But Shopify makes it so simple. You can customize your online shop by using their easy, peasy tools and

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and take that first step. The most transformative chapter of your life is waiting for you. Perfectionism. Yeah, that's true. I want to quickly talk about that because I think I am definitely a perfectionist and it holds me back, I think, from doing something where I might look foolish or I might fail.

And I'm saying that out now just so people aren't embarrassed about saying, well, maybe I am. And I think that it's rife, not just because of children's upbringings potentially, but also because of just social pressure on everybody to be really great at something. What can people do about that? But knowing your life, as you know,

we know about your life. You've been very honest and help people with your story of your life. And a child having your life and an absent parent would think, oh, you know, for a child, when a child doesn't appear to get loved, they don't stop loving the parent. They immediately stop loving themselves. I think, you know, my dad's drinking. I'm not good. And my mom's crying. This is my fault. If I was better. So the child will then try to create, to change it. And one of the ways they do that is to be perfect. I'll be good. I'll be good. be smart, I'll get straight A's. Sometimes they don't.

Sometimes they actually become rebellious, but one of the common things is to try to be perfect. Because you can't change the craze and surroundings but you're trying to change you. So it's something I do called Four Play, and it's the four roles that child plays in order to belong. So if you're lucky and you're born on the planet and you have a mum and dad who love you

and say, we're so lucky we've got you. And wow, you're so good at, I don't know, cleaning out the hamster's cage, that kid's going to be great. But if you don't have that, you're going to do one of four things. The first is to be sick. For most children, being sick, it's almost as good as being loved. People worry about you. They're buying your gluten-free flour.

They're taking it. Oh, I didn't think they loved me, but I must be important. So the sick one... Every Sunday night, I was sick, so my dad wouldn't leave and go back up to London. Like I was just... And he'd give me lots of attention on the same night. You get so much attention to being sick. And for so many children, it's so effective they never give it up.

My mother was a lifelong hypochondria in the war. She was the only kid who was sent back in the evacuation because she stopped eating. She got covered in boils and she learned something. Oh, you're sick. Oh, wow. You're special. And she was sick her entire life.

The second way is to be brilliant. Imagine if you're in a tribe and you're a fantastic hunter. You're now indispensable. So the perfect one is I'm brilliant at math, brilliant at sport, at something. The third way is what I did, and that's the care. They look around and think, oh, I don't really have love or affection. I know. I'll become a nurse and I'll give it to everyone or a therapist or a doctor. But then they don't have balance because they give but don't

always receive. And the fourth way is to be the very difficult kid, the rebel, the child who's always banging on the heighty with the teeth, and still doing it 30 years later because they need to take control away from those people. So you, probably did two, which is, I'll be perfect, and that way I can control my life. I can control out there by being perfect. But of course, the answer is control in here. So I'm beautifully flawed, and I love being flawed because imagine if you were perfect, really perfect, how your kids would feel, how your partner would feel because they'd feel inadequate. We don't even like people. We love people. People love Jade Goody because she was flawed. We're not really into the

icon. We like flawed icons because we go, oh, I can relate to you. You've got an eating problem. You're a little fat stomach. Your husband just left you again. Now I feel better. We used to worship idols and then we realized they were all so flawed and all had so much going on. So we like flawed people. Be your flawssome self. I'm be proud of it. Go, yeah, you know. Floresome. I do love that word. I'm not great at that, you know. I'm really, I love cooking with my kids. I'm just not good at playing. And that was so honest to say, So, you know, I can create stuff. We'll say, you know, I'm good at playing.

I'm terrible at cooking. Just be you. That's the best you can ever be. Will you tell us about AAA? Yeah, AAA. I love AAA. It's called to be aware of your feelings, accept them and articulate them, which sounds so simple.

Most people say, oh, I don't know what I'm feeling, because when I feel like I have a drink, I go on eBay and buy something. It's a form of gamut. It's a form of gambling. I go shopping. I go shopping, I eat, I put on the television. And so we don't even know what we're feeling anymore

because we've never thought, hey, what am I feeling? Actually, I'm feeling really jealous. I'm so jealous of my sister for a nicer life than me. You see, your feelings are the most real thing you'll ever have. And the trick in life is to feel your feeling until it no longer requires to be felt. And when you eat your feeling or shut your feeling, or medicate or drink your feeling, it just comes back stronger than ever. So the first thing is be aware of it and then totally accept it.

Today I wish I'd never had kids. Today, I don't even know if I love my husband anymore. That's just how I'm feeling today. So you have to articulate. So you're aware of it, accept it. Then you've got to say it, the articulate. So how can I do that? We'll go and shut yourself in the toilet and run the taps and go, right, this minute,

I don't even like my partner. But then it will go away like that. If you're not aware of it and you don't accept it and you can't state it, you know, I was looking at Dr. Julie's book because I've got a new book coming out thinking, wow, she's done so well. Am I jealous? I feel I am envious, but she's really earned that and she really deserves it. And she's done so much good for people.

So it's better to do that. I love that you said that. Yeah. Do you know when we were saying how nice it is when somebody goes, Actually, this is how I felt, and I'm not probably, but it was a moment. Yeah. And I did, I'm checking myself. Yeah.

And to hear you acknowledge, I don't know, I guess like I think. And then I was looking at Mel Robbins, who I love thinking, gosh, she's got so much more followers than me. But I didn't think, well, that's not fair. I thought, oh, I'm aware that I'm noticing how many followers she's got. I'm accepting it. I'm even saying it. I said to my team, hey, I need to get more followers. I don't know what Mel Robbins is doing, but you need to get on it.

I need to have, she's got four million. And I've got a million, so get on it and find her what she's doing, rather than go, oh, that's not fair. And look at her and how she got that. Because that doesn't help you. Your feelings are real. They're not bad. When my kid came up, because, Mommy, I hate Grandma. I said, do it?

Because I hate her. I said, really? But I said, oh, I thought you loved it. I hate her. And I could have said, that's my mother, don't you, death? And I said, well, tell me why. Because I gave her a bit of my biscuit and she ate all of it. I said, oh, that's horrible.

I would hate that. your biscuit and they eat the whole thing. That's very hurtful. She said, yes, I don't like her anymore. I said, okay. So I was real, I had to make her aware. So I said, so you're upset because she took your thing. And you can say, and you can tell me, I would never punish everything.

I hate my grandma. I don't like my friend anymore. So I would always allow her to come and do this and teach her aware, accept, and say it. But people say, don't you dare say that. Don't you say that. It's not right. You can't say that. It's not okay to say you're just.

It is wrong to say, I wish I'd never had kids. We were with some friends in LA. And they said, honestly, our life and good if we'd never had our children. We often think about that. When they left, they turned their bedrooms into a gym. They said we'd talk in the river come back. Brunzel. I really like they said, yeah, they haven't really been what we thought they'd be.

And it wasn't quite where we expected. But I love that honesty, yeah. You can't argue with that, really. Can I ask you, because we said the AAA, so we know it's aware, except. But what's the third? Articulate. So, yeah. I mean, it really is.

It's A-A-S. Say it. But it's better to remember it as three A's. Aware. Always be aware. What am I feeling? I'm just about to go and eat a massive cake. I'm just about to go on a mad spending spree.

I'm just about to go and get a bottle of wine. What am I? I'm feeling lonely. Okay. I can accept I'm lonely. And I can accept that actually, you know, if you're not choosing connection, you're choosing disconnection, then to say I'm a lonely person, what can I do about it? you're not going to get better by drinking a bottle of wine.

There's lots of things you can do. So tune into what you're feeling completely. And then say it, I am feeling annoyed, pissed off, angry, betrayed. Because it will go away really quickly. And if you don't do that, it will just keep coming back. I'm imagining sometimes, you know, I would go into a dark space to go and say that and say it like, oh, like this is terrible. But then if you remember, your feeling like,

feelings are the most real thing you will ever have. And they're just like a classroom of children going, hey, notice me. And if you don't notice them, they get louder. Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, today I'm feeling. Fester. I'm feeling, I'm not feeling very, you know, smart people do stupid things.

Kind people can be mean. Funny people can be serious. So many of my clients who are comedians that they're not funny at all. They're really cranky and bitter and hostile. And they think that. I say, it's okay. You're allowed to be cranky. You don't have to be funny all the time.

Don't have to be clever all the time. But if you can start with, your feelings are real. And you can't drink them or eat them or Netflix them. You've got to feel them. And that's the way to do it. Aware, accept, articulate them. Not to everyone else, just to yourself. Today I'm feeling, let down, betrayed, upset, disappointed.

You don't have to go and tell anyone else. It's just you say it because the feelings are in or out. And you always want them to be out. I'll say feelings like gas. They're not comfortable. They hurt a lot more when you keep them in. So let them out and then you'll feel better. It's like AAA needs to happen before you can really realise that you are enough.

Because I think sometimes feeling like you're in some way full of defects of character leave you feeling like you'll never be enough because you've got this terrible dark side to you but actually if you accept everything. Yeah. One of the reasons A.A. works so well as a connection. It's, you say, oh, I found someone like me. I found someone who sold their kids' dolls house like me. I feel a bit better.

I found someone like me and now I feel better because everything comes back to connection. And if you don't, imagine your feeling is I want attention, I want attention, and you don't listen to it. You don't think, okay, I've become aware that I do need attention. How can I find it? Can I join a group? Instead, you're probably going to get an illness because a lot of illnesses get you

attention. Doctors will tell you that 70% of people turning up at the hospital have real illnesses caused by disease thinking, not diseased organs. So they have real migraines, real irritable bowel, real skin conditions, real everything. But they're caused by disease thinking. And that's actually great because it's much easier to fix it. disease thought than a diseased organ. But if you don't do the AAA and you're feeling, I want to be noticed where you might get a nervous twitch. You'll get plenty of attention.

You know, one of the things I do with children a lot is I've literally got an Aladdin's lap. Here's, this is the alarm. Come up. Rub that and go, hey, Jeannie, I want something. What do you want? They go, I want to not fail at maths. I want to not eat lunch all by myself today. Now you've asked the Jeannie to make sure I don't fail at maths. Do you know you can give you a stomachache or diarrhea. Now you can't fail at math because you can't go to school. So you've asked the genie to give you something that isn't what you want. It's what you don't want. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to fail. You said you go, hey, Jeannie, I want to have a really great mind for maths. Hey, June, I want to be so happy that I got loads of friends. So we make the wrong

wishes. I don't want to be dumped. I don't want to write that book in case it gets terrible reviews. I don't want to fail. And the only way you can and fail, really, is in failing to try. So if you had the genie, what are you making a wish? Are you wishing? I don't want to be ghosted. I don't want to get fired. That's the wrong wish. A wish for something you want. I want to find someone who falls in love with my very soul and is with me forever because I'm lovable. I want to go for that. And they know immediately I'm the person. That job has got my name all over it. So when you make better wishes, you're dialoguing better with your mind. And when you're saying, you know, I've got this dark side, imagine instead if you

were perfect, if you were just perfect, you'd probably be alone because we have to have the opposite, you know, like funny people are serious, smart people do silly things. So remember, people who appear to be perfect often have very unhappy children who can't live in that. Oh my God, you know, I think it was John Lennon's son who said people come and go, I love your dad. I was so upset when He died because it's my dad. And he couldn't even have grief over his dad dying because everyone would stop him and going, oh, your dad, he's a God, and I'm so upset. He died.

He goes, what about me? Wow. So when you have a parent who's an icon, that isn't always great. When you have a parent who's normal, that's all right, isn't normal, flawed, like, oh, you know, and then you can say my mom is flawed so I can be flawed. I said, I was so glad my parents are flawed, I could leave college. I could go my own way because they, you know, and then. went their own way.

But never try to be perfect. There's no happiness in being perfect. And remember, you know... That's exhausting. And it's a race that you can't win because as you get to the finishing line, it moves and it moves and it moves. And can you not complete the race?

And can you not win it? You can't even finish it because in the race to be perfect, there's no terminal ever. And you shouldn't want to be perfect. Just want to be yourself. It's so nice when you go, oh, you know, people like me.

I messed up and people still like me. I did something wrong and people still like me. I said to my kid, I'm so, because that's the thing about parenting, apologize a lot. I'm sorry. I was cranky. I'm sorry. Today I lost it.

I'm so sorry today. I didn't. I wasn't really attentive. They like that because now that I do that thing about, oh, it's, you know, I said earlier, if you don't appear to love a child, they stop loving themselves. When you apologize a lot, they go, oh, my, My little said, Mommy, have you got your pyramid today? I said, yes, she goes, I knew it.

Because I say, you know, when mommy has her period, she's a little bit cranky and a little bit irritable. But it's not about you. What did she go? Because, Mommy, I think my school teacher's got her pyramid today because she's so cranky. And actually the teacher had her menopause, though she was right. I mean, I think when you apologize to your case, what I noticed at some point was I'd go, guys, I'm sorry. And it was around perimenopause. Around that time was when I did most of my apologising.

And I said, there's something happening to mommy. It's not you. It's me. It's me. It's so important. And I go, it's okay. And they started being sympathetic to me. Because you weren't being perfect.

And I was like, wow, this is so nice to be able to apologize profusely from the bottom of my heart. So for all the parents, I really mean it. He apologised a lot. Be present. And another thing that's really good is, is. to say, you're not your behavior. So I'd say to my daughter, why did you do that? She pushed, we were at Lamming one day and she pushed my nephew off. Hey, so, what did you do that? She said, you said, he was your favorite. I said, no, he's my favorite nephew. You're my favorite.

I say, no, that was a really unkind thing to do. You're a good kid, but you did an unkind thing, but I'd always say you're not your behavior. One day I went to get her from school and a teacher, went, oh my God, I've so been put in my place. I said to Fadra, your mommy is hopeless. My mom is not hopeless. She's just late. You're not your behavior, you know. And I love that at five. Wow. She's not hopeless. She's just late. You're not your behavior. So I loved it when she would feed that back. You know, somebody was mean. Well, she taught the teacher's something. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a great thing with your kids. Do you know, they apologize? Be present as much as you go. And even if it's hard, you know, put the phone down. And when they do things that are mean, just say, you know,

you open the door and the cat escaped. And that was a very, you know, you open the door and the cat escaped. And that was a very silly thing. Not your silly, that was a silly thing to leave the door open. Don't say you're silly or you're stupid or your bad. That was a silly thing. Is it possible for redemption? If you've done something really bad. I mean, you were just talking about pushing off a haybell when I was little, I pushed a girl in a swimming pool. But it was winter. It was cold. You know, she was fully dressed in school uniform. And I look back and if I could apologize. I mean, Catherine Bailey.

I'm sorry. You know, I remember it. I remember being, it was like being possessed. Yes. By something. I was probably about eight. Did she have the things that you didn't have that you wanted? I don't really remember.

Probably. But I think possibly my granny liked her a lot. Just like the haystack. She was a good girl or that there was something there. I don't really remember but what I do remember is straight after I did it like a oh my God quick

please let me get you out what can I do how can I help you please let me make it better immediately but it stayed with me my entire adult life and I have accepted that I am a good person that did a bad thing what happens if you did a really really bad thing

can you ever come to term with that. Even in the Bible, it says to err is human to forgive is divine. Whether you're religious or not, most religions teach forgiveness. You know, you did something bad. You got to be repentant and then you're forgiven. So you are allowed to err, but you're not allowed to punish yourself. I would go back and I would bet that little eight-year-old saw that little girl and thought she's loved. She's got a mom and a dad. And you probably were really jealous of her. And you didn't have the AAA. I'm feeling really jealous of this girl. And so I'm going to push her in the river because that's what bullies do you know.

I'm not saying you're a bully, but they go, oh, you've got something I haven't got. It was a dark, it was a dark side of me. And I was like, I don't recognize this. You know, when I was, I remember when I lived in a village and there was a little girl and her parents had a house that sloped down to a little brook. And she was always on the grass playing with her Barbies. And I wanted to be her so much because I could see how loved she wore. She was loved, adored, and cherished.

And I can remember vividly wanting to be thinking, I want to be her. I wanted to be her so much. Then I went to college, and there was a girl at college with me, and she was an only child adored. And I thought, oh, I want to be her now. But later, when I was moving to America to get married, she said to me, you're so lucky. I could never leave my parents because they're so perfect,

and they love me so much. I'm so lucky. I've got selfish parents. It's a prison, right? So we look at it and we think, oh, I want to be you. I mean, that's what people, the people who go, I'm going to troll that Marissa, I'm going to tell her, I hate her, and she looks so stupid. But then you think, who wakes up and thinks like that. And someone who's unhappy, an unhappy person will be critical.

Critical people always have the most criticism reserve for themselves. The bully is unhappy. So that little girl was unhappy. She, she wanted to be her. And you pushed her in the river and then you felt bad about it. Oh, my God, it was horrific. But, you know, that's what kids do. I would like to quickly touch on what, if somebody was going to take one golden nugget of information from what you've said today, what would that be?

I think wake up and say, I'm enough. Write it on your mirror, write it on your arm, print it on your under. One of my clients said, you know, I've got it on my children's pillows. I've printed it on it. It's the first and the last thing they see. So we know the truth is the common denominator of all other issues. comes from one thing, I'm not enough. So if that's the common denominator, then if you flip that, I'm enough, I'm good enough, I'm worthy enough, I am enough. That can change your entire.

It might be simple, but it's also deeply powerful. I mean, I have a book called I'm enough, and people write and think, oh my God, that book. In fact, someone would go over it through Norway and said, you know, I was being bullied. And when I got that book, I gave a talk on stage from that book, and I've never been bullied to get in the bully as you become one of my best friends because he didn't feel enough. So I love that. So just go into, I'm enough. Just say it. And if you're a parent, have your kids say every day, I'm enough, but I'm enough. It sounds so simple because it is, but its power is actually linked to its strength, it's simplicity. And of course, it's absolute honesty because it's true. Thank you, Marissa. You're welcome. I love you. Thank you. I love you,

too. I think you're amazing. And you've done so much good in the world. Oh, thanks, Marissa. talk about the sponsors of this podcast. Zoe membership, a personalized nutrition program. I always get asked why I look after my body and the answer, I want to look good naked. Joke, don't worry, that's not it. I do it because I know what my health is worth and I want to have the best life ever. I mean, every decade has looked very different from the last, but with age comes wisdom. recognize that the more I invest in my body, the more it pays me back. And I did Zoe's at-home test and learned about the good and the bad microbes in my gut. And then Zoe gave me specific food scores so I could see which foods my body responds to best. And it's science led.

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