Begin Again with Davina McCall - What Happens When You Lose Your Sense of Self?: Begin Again Moments

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

What do you do when you feel like you've lost yourself? In this Begin Again Moments, comedian and actor Tom Davis opens up about his battle with anxiety, sharing how it led him to step away from stand-up comedy for six years. Tom reflects on how, during this period, he lost belief in both himself and his talent, struggling with imposter syndrome and the overwhelming pressure to perform. He discusses the emotional weight of feeling like a fraud, despite outward success, and how these feelings affected his personal and professional life. Following Tom, Professor Steve Peters, renowned psychologist and author of The Chimp Paradox, dives into the science of our emotional responses. He explains how the three parts of the brain, human, chimp, and computer, work together to shape our reactions to the world around us. Professor Peters provides actionable insights on how we can take control of our emotions, challenge negative thought patterns, and reclaim a sense of self, empowering us to face life's challenges with greater confidence and clarity. This episode is a powerful exploration of overcoming self-doubt, managing anxiety, and learning to trust yourself again. Whether you're struggling with mental health, facing self-belief issues, or simply looking for tools to take control of your emotions, this conversation is for you. Full episodes with Tom and Professor Steve Peters out now! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I could never do stand up. Yeah, it's... I really, I just couldn't do it. But I regret, I stopped for six years, and it was like, like, when we talk about, like, now, it's a really interesting thing when I look, and we, this open conversation, especially in the male space about mental health

and where we sit and how we look into, you know, you talk about the dyslexia or something that, like, if I'm honest with you are, and it says something, I never, like, got don't knowises again, kid because once I left school and I worked as a labour, I was like, I'm never going to need to write again. It's just like, you know, and I did weirdly, I'd write poetry, I'd write like skits or I'd write things, but even now, like, you know, if I'm on stage, a lot of my actors comes from in

the moment. And that's where I, like, I stripped, I was stripped to that for like six years where like the anxiety and the, the mental anguish of, at first, I was fearless, right? So when I first started stand up, I was like, this is just, this should be another thing I can, I might fail out. And I was very, I worked hard at it, I grafted, I was very much like, this is something that I love doing. And all of a sudden, from having what felt like a very limited life, felt like, you know, all of a sudden I was doing something actually,

well, this is quite creative and this feels more like, you know, and a lot of people were still being like, oh, yeah, what are you going to do? You know, you're not going to make a living out of it. And I never needed that. I was like, yeah, but you know what, for like 10 minutes on stage, I'm able to do something that I enjoy, was for me. And then you get a little bit of success and you start,

and then I had like external people around me. And what was, what now feels like, there was like an ilk then of like, this is what a comedian almost looked like. And I wasn't that thing. And I was like getting sort of, and I was kind of, like, you know, Lee Francis, who's one of our really close friends,

he's like, Lee had seen me and stuff through James Defond, who was like a childhood friend and Lee had seen me and stuff and Lee saw something and James obviously I wouldn't be here about James DeFond and it's probably only a few people

that I get very choked up when I talk about but I wouldn't have a career and he saw that and way before I ever did I get more emotional talking about James than anything else actually but as a male friendship goes and he

but he always had that belief and it was unwavered and we've been through a hell of a lot together as friends and as colleagues, but that side of him was like, you know, he, and, you know, he, he came to every gig for like years, but, I mean, oh my God, it was amazing. Amazing.

Like, credible to have someone like that. Support. Yeah, like that was what you need from a friend. But I think then other external voices came in and you sort of, oh, I this, you know. So tell me what the voice sounded like to you. Like, like, every gig was like, I'll prep, I'll prep, I'll prep, I'll prep. So when I first started, I didn't know what a stand up. Like, my only, I wasn't like.

You didn't have a. formula. No, and I hadn't trained to, so, and I hadn't also, I wasn't like someone who you know, Eddie Murphy wore or Bernie Matt, like I loved a lot of Def Jam and that sort of stuff. But I wasn't going to like, it wasn't,

the comedy felt at times quite middle class. It's weirdly seeing Mickey Flanagan at the, like, I went to see him at his backyard club. He's, he is so funny. He's so brilliant. And Mickey was the guy that I saw doing stand up and I thought, oh, actually, wow, this is like, not like, because it sounds discharacter, respectful to say but I sort of thought fuck he's talking about stuff that I talk about down the pub and we laugh about on the building site he felt so yes so know exactly what you mean so once we

got into so once I started I'd write stuff and I'd learn stuff and whatever but I'd enjoy it and then all of a sudden it became more serious than that and it but yeah and people were like and you need to write your material and you know I don't know how like but when you're then trying out to do spots on television they want to read your act and I'd never written it down because of you know right because you're freesty yeah and also but being dyslexic like you know so i then started like the piling pressure on every gig like you're talking about there every gig was like and it didn't matter if it was like in front of seven people in in a pub or a try out for something and what did that pressure feel like can you explain like physical not being able to eat that day

like literally and just like heart rate yeah heart rate up anxiety but also just constantly Like, I can't remember there's a term for it. But thinking, I'm going to die, I'm going to, this is going to be the worst gig ever. Like, I'm going to absolutely, this is a moment that I'm going to get found out. This is the moment that when people... Well, that's a bit imposter syndrome. Yeah, yeah, but this is a moment. I'm a complete fake.

Yeah. Everybody's going to realize today. Yeah, and there'll be someone at the gig who just goes, you know what, yeah, he was all right for a little bit, but yeah, he's had his moment. You know, so, and I just piled on pressure. And then that came at a time. I suppose actually this predates Catherine in a sense actually because I started, that's where I was like

drinking like a lot I was like in a situation Just want to explain to everybody Catherine's your wife Yeah so yes So you were drinking a lot So I drink before a gig I drink after a gig

I'd numb the pain of how bad it was That was your anaesthetic Yeah it was like you know Going out and also But then did that affect your performance? Always always And also as you're well aware It affected

The two or three days after of just feeling like you have depressed down more anxious than so you that happened on a Thursday and Saturday you're out again again and all you can really remember is you sort of have this awful feeling of like oh shit like that that one went so badly or maybe it had gone a little bit better but you would be drunk and you go oh actually maybe if I'd just get drunk again that or you know yes and it got to a point where Catherine was like you you have no enjoyment from it like we've been together for a while and I had no enjoyment from that side of stuff. How long did it feel like that period went on for?

How long was it like car crash? For that I think it was like, I think I went probably for about a year or two. It culminated a lot of stuff where, you know, I don't want to get too much. But like the management I was with at the time was almost like, you know, stand-up stuff. I felt like there's no one really believing in that. No, and also I just felt I was looking around at people that, who are friends and I adore, but I was like, wow, these people are so much better than me at this thing. And it was like, like, I sort of was just like, you know, I just felt that I had, somewhere along the line,

I'd lost who I was on state. It's a really important thing. It's like the thing like when I watch you on. Well, confidence is everything. Not just confidence, but whenever I watch you on television, you're just unapologetically yourself. right and that's the hardest thing to be I think people completely like I think it's the thing that why

we all connect with Devin and McCall it's like it's the moment from if you're sitting at home and you're watching you on television you number one have that thing that you can't buy is that you all automatically feel like you feel like that person in the pub and that's the biggest company like that comes in and everyone chats and laughs with it and has a joke if that

feels and it's a thing for me that I don't think you can ever buy I don't think you can buy the people at home going I like that person and they're willing you to do well but also for you not to, for you always just to go that this is who I am. That's a highlight and I was like going on stage

and going who am, like and I never had that. I was always like, right, I'm a guy from a building site. I can play the underdog. I was self deprecating. Self deprecation has been my thing since I can remember. Me as well a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'd always just be like,

I know I'm not the kind of raging beauty and I know I'm not that. That's why people love you. Yeah, but like that's why people love you. It's that same energy. Yeah. But I think it's interesting that you were doing that, but it wasn't giving you the feeling.

But that's because I think you didn't have, you weren't surrounded by people who were believing in you. No, and I still. It was like being back at school. Yeah, and I still had like James there. But then Catherine was like, you know, Catherine's thing was like this is making you so unhappy

you're not you're not going out and at the time I'd then been lucky enough to do a bit of acting and a bit of writing and I was like this is something that if I'm honest with you are like I was like this feels something I'm not better at but I just find find my body tighten up as soon as I sort of went to go on stage and then I try to remember exactly

what I should say and that was never you know when I look back at the stuff that I've made over the years none of that is like the stuff that has been good. It was just, and I think I got so tightly wound. It was like, well, I'd probably lose my relationship if I carry on doing this.

She's not going to stay around to, because it was driving me like, you know, to a point of, yeah. I mean, not mad, I don't mean mad, mad, but it was like, you were struggling. So your human is in the yellow frontlet. In fact, the chimp's also there. But it complicated things.

I put the chimp because it's limbic system in the middle of the brain, is where the limbic system is, but there's like a big strand going out into the yellow bit and the chimp actually lives there. Right, so just for the people who are saying, this isn't accurate. What I was trying to say is these, the chimp and human are the two thinking systems, which we can see. So I stress you in some way and it's very like the chimp system lights up and now you're very emotionally based and are making decisions that are not rational, they may be paranoid, you lose perspective, you can't see beyond,

the moment you're in, you might want immediate gratification instead of delayed gratification, so you become impulsive. You react fast to things. You don't respond. It's just a reaction with words or actions. So it's not thought through. That's, it's a survival mechanism. Yes. And then I realized that a lot of people live in that all the time. And what I did is started working to say, we're going to put a pause and move the blood supply into this yellow frontal bit to the human, which is at the top of your head. And what happens? How happens? then when I moved it, the person gained perspective, they gained reality. And they started thinking rationally and logically, if I do this, what am I going to feel like in half an hour?

And now they could do it. Now they can press the pause button and relax. So I was thinking, how can I train people to move themselves rather than me move them? But we can see this on a functional MRI scanner. We can see it literally lighting up. Which means if we can learn, which is what I quite challenged 30 years ago to shift systems. We'll approach life and ourselves and other people very differently in the way we want to

rather than this emotional reaction because humans respond, they don't react. You said earlier that you can live in your trim brain all the time. Yes. So it is possible that you are constantly in that kind of reactive place. That must be exhausting. It is.

And it's sad when you meet these people. And behind locked doors, I can get them. And I see what I said before. I see the person. The person comes out and then now I know who you are. And then something happens. And it means you're going to chimp more again. I think, okay, I just seeing your chimp again.

And then they go with the chimp because it feels right. And then they regret it. Then they think, what's wrong with me? And I keep saying, nothing wrong with you. I found you. But you're caught in this. I'm saying, I found you. Yeah.

Like you're in there. You're in there. People get very. emotional when you say that? Those who realise what I'm saying yes because they suddenly think, I do know who I am. And you do know it because if you have a friend that you're close

to and you've had like an evening together and you start opening up, you relax and you become you. And suddenly you don't feel any venom, you don't feel any angry, you don't feel regret. You feel relaxed and peaceful. You know, and suddenly you know. So your best friends know who you are.

And your best friends don't muddle you up and say, well, you really impatient or aggressive or they don't they're saying no that's not you but behind locked hours I have found the person and then that's so rewarding enough I can just get them to see it and then you literally like growing the person and then we're coming to the computer bit because really the rest of the brain is the computer so when I work with children we just do chimp and human and the children respond better than adults that's okay people have seen it a lot they've seen that you're done three systems this is it enjoy it

goodbye. Right. So the computer, because we haven't really talked about them yet. So children like just working in human and chimp, and some adults do, because I keep it simple. I had an 80-year-old and I wrote my hidden chimp,

which is a children's book. And he wrote to me and he said, that's better than the chimp paradox. Wait, so just explain that. So you had a children's book, but you also had one for parents come out at roughly the same time? Yeah, that was... What was the parents-one called?

It wasn't meant to be. It was added on to go with the book. Oh, okay. It was to sort of like, but then it expanded a bit. It was a little bit rushed and it was a regret, but not fully. No regrets. No regrets. No regrets.

It was to say, I need to go back and do that again, but I haven't time. So what I said was, we'll send it out. So that's called the Silent Guides. So the hidden chimp book doesn't touch the computer. It's implied because children work on a very basic level. As adults, we work much more with the computer. What we do with the computer is we have beliefs, we have behaviours, we have automatic behaviours and beliefs. So it runs our life when the other two go silent.

So when you meet somebody and introduce someone new, we have automatic things like, hello, how are you? And there's a response that we're programmed to say, I'm fine or whatever, and then how are you? That's all, we don't think about it. It's just programmed. When we go to work, driving or getting the tube or whatever we're doing, we don't think about it, we just know what to do. So the computer keeps running. It doesn't analyse or think.

It's just automatic. Instinct. Yeah. You've programmed it, but we program it to learn behaviours as well. We program it to use avoidance a lot. We program it. Yeah. So it knows what it's doing.

You know, we program it to overeat. We program it with excuses. So it comes to the rescue of the chimp. If we try and manage the chimp, in comes the computer. And these are what I call the gremlins. Beliefs and behaviours really don't help you. But sometimes you don't even know they're there. So for example, again, extreme just to drive a point of home,

some people have this belief that they're not as good as other people. Or the world, they don't belong in this world. They're onlookers. They're common. it's a defence mechanism of the chimp saying I won't go out into the world because it's dangerous and then the gremlin comes in which is the false belief saying yeah you're not as good as the people

so when I say to someone right let's go whatever they'll go oh I can immediately the gremlin's going you're not as good as the people and you probably get things wrong and don't do any risks you look silly so I need to find that gremlin and remove it so that's not actually the chimp at all it's a belief you're holding so when I look at people we always

often have, I would say there are six major beliefs people hold that are destructive. So on average, I'll turf six out. I work with someone who I can't go public about, somebody well known, and had 22 gremlin's and we got a big piece of paper with all these false beliefs. And then we found the dance together. Oh, wow. And what he said is, oh, by that. One will say you're not as good as other.

So we then bring what I call a constructive belief. What do you really believe? And it's nobody's world. It's our world. And I'm as good as anyone else. I may not be as good in whatever talent I've got, but I'm a nice person and I value my person. So that's you believe.

I'm as good as heaven. And then there's another gremlin will come in and go, yeah, but that's not what the people think. So it reinstates the first gremlin. So you've got to kill them both off. And we're literally getting rid of them. So often I say one belief is followed by about four or five. They have little gangs.

So I do an exercise. So let's just pick up all the beliefs and then you find there's about five or six. And we need to get rid of all of them. And otherwise they come back. So can a life experience, like a divorce, create a load of new beliefs about yourself? And then you've got to go and work on those. Because if you get older, you're picking up more and more beliefs, right? Oh, thousands.

So what I say is it's almost like I ask people who work with me to do a five-minute clearance at the end of the day and just go over the day and think, let's just have a look what happened, let's get the right beliefs and interpretations. Otherwise, you're seeding again more beliefs that go into the computer, which are now hidden and keep nudging the chimps throughout the day. And you don't know why you're feeling easy. You don't know why you're unhappy. And you think, well, that's because they're all these unconscious beliefs.

So I ask people to clean the computer up. So there's techniques of how to do it. And go over your day and say... It's journaling good? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working with someone at the moment who said,

this is really helping me. Again, it was someone that I'd been working with for a while and they weren't as progressing as I'd wanted. And I suggested this. And I've used it with a lot of people. And this person said, this definitely has made a difference because what I'm doing is scientifically it's accurate. You're putting outside your head all the problems.

So therefore, your human can now see them. If you keep them in your head, one of the rules of the brain is that the chimp keeps going over around in a circle. It never solves any of them because it's not a solver. The human has to solve. But unless you talk, if you talk, this is why therapies work, the human, the brain picks this up immediately

and starts bringing in perspective, reality, challenges beliefs. And often we talk and go, that's ridiculous. You know, what I've just said isn't right, you know. So talking is great. But if you can't, write it down. And sometimes you write and you think, that's crazy. It is interesting how writing does give you a completely, different perspective than something, I think.

So I like that idea of daily assessing. So they don't, you don't, they don't run away. Lean it up, yeah. And say, right, why is that helpful? Is this really going to help me this belief? And again, sometimes I believe me and need to be put on the table and challenged because we can learn from it. So if someone says, well, you know, you were very rude at that point and you think,

oh, and you get home and you think, I'm still chewing me up that comment, because I don't think I was rude. Then you can reflect the right, don't be defensive. and say, why would they say that, especially for someone who likes you, it means I need to rethink this, and this is a way I could have done it differently. And why would I have said that? What belief I'm holding about that person or that situation?

And this is where sometimes it helps to write it out because it dawns on you, or someone can talk to you and say, let's throw some ideas of what belief are you holding at that point. And then a therapist, a psychologist, or somebody like a doctor in my shoes, would work through it with you. And then you've got to say, no, that's not right, Steve. And then you say, but I'll tell you what has made me think.

That's how it works. You're a team. It's not me saying, right, that's wrong. I don't do that. It's you that says that's resonated and that hasn't resonated.