Behind the Bastards - CZM Rewind: Part Two: Kaiser Wilhelm: The Saddest Warlord In History

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

In Part Two, Robert is joined again by Jamie Loftus to continue discussing Kaiser Wilhelm.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hey, this is prop from the little politics with prop podcasts. And this what we do here, we take all these highfalutin political ideas and things in the news and explain it to you in the language that we all speak in. Just like, I don't know, take filibuster. Believe it or not, you already know what that is, because if you got a mama that don't play no games, you've been filibuster in your whole life. Hey, mom, no, look, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, my before you make your decision what had happened was Everything said after that is filibuster, you just trying to stall her out to avoid the inevitable. Congress do it all the time. See you already knew. So listen to her, pilot six with prop on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Calls her on media. Hey, motherfuckis and motherfuckets. Wow, that's not how I should introduce this. Anyway, hello everybody. Robert here. And this is our last week of what you may call them, re-run episodes. We are still on vacation here at Cool Zone.

Having a great time. Actually not on vacation. We were on vacation. But this Zone. Having a great time, actually not on vacation, we were on vacation, but this is the week where I have to write so that we can catch up and have episodes for you all in the new year. But, you know, because I have one more week of blessed relative freedom. Here's another fucking rerun.

Enjoy it, I love you. Welcome back to Behind the Bastards. I'm Robert Evans, and this is part two of our episode on Kaiserville Helm, the second. Now, before we get into the episode, because I think it's important that you know about the bastardry being practiced by the hosts of the show, I need to tell everyone

that Jamie Loftus is dipping popcorn into salad dressing. Like, it God damn monster. I got fucking... That one, you're doing it. Okay, first of all, yes, that is what I'm doing. So, I got dragged to the last time I was on this show because I mentioned that I dip bagels in ketchup and there was a lot of...

I said that was fine. I'm okay with the popcorn dipping into dressing. I am not okay with the popcorn dipping dressing. Yeah, fully support you because I know you have that. I think that's a sin. You have like taste buds that need more. I need, I need, yeah, oh, right. Yeah, I have, um, note, I have poor people taste buds.

I hope, I hope very desperately, Jamie, that this makes you less judgmental of the Kaiser because I firmly believe that the millions he got killed in the trenches of Europe and you dipping your popcorn into salad dressing are equivalent crimes. They're okay, sir. I, it's, for the time of the year. This is your battle of the psalm. This is not ideal. I would prefer to dip popcorn in soy sauce. There's no soy sauce here. I go for salad dressing. Dipping popcorn in soy sauce is your for dune. Here's the thing. I like to make dry food wet. I can't explain why I'm sure

there's a very fucked up motivation behind it, but when a food is dry, I'm like, let's moisten this up. Let's see what happens. Horrible. It's good. Horrible. I've never been so proud to be your friend, Jamie. Thank you so much. It actually, I feel bad because I'm sure the salad dressing is stinky But no, but never the less people are dead. Yeah, there you go. Live your truth, baby This is making you uncomfortable I was just gonna say speaking of living your truth Let's talk about what happens when a profoundly damaged young man becomes the King of Germany

and then gets a chance to live his truth. I've got his birth chart up, let's figure this out, let's do it. What does it say about people of his astrological sign leading the Imperial German military? Well, here's the thing, I did his natal chart, but that's a little too complicated. Everyone needs to know he's an Aquarius and Aquarian leaders, you know, their positive traits, their open-minded, right? Their creative, he was an artist, right? Their free spirited, negative traits really bad stuff across the board of four leaders, impulsive, unpredictable, inconsistent, extreme, and stubborn.

So it was foretold. I wouldn't call him open-minded in any way, but a lot of that tracks. It was crazy. I feel like I'll get dragged more for invoking astrology than I will for dipping popcorn and salad dressing. And then- They're both horrible crimes against humanity. You know what?

To each their own. I'm living a very vile life over here. against humanity. Now, the Reich that Kaiserville Helm inherited had been built and largely managed by Otto von Bismarck, and above all else, Bismarck wanted peace. The system of alliances he crafted for Germany were essentially again, like I said, that era's version of mutually assured destruction. Starting a war with Germany would mean fighting with Russia too and Russia controlled a sixth of the planet's surface. This was a pretty good system all at last. Bismarck was a monster, but not a dumb man.

New what he was doing. But Philhelm came to power with distinct and probably agonizing memories of his father's martial prowess and military victories. He had been insecure his entire life because of his arm, and the complete lack of praise he received from Hens Peter. Likewise, his wife and Bismarck had succeeded in inculcating a deep antipathy of his parents and of England in him.

Kaiser Wilhelm II, a concise life, describes the mind-sight all of this resulted in once the young man came to power and was given the world's most powerful land army. Quote, Prince Wilhelm's mindset on the threshold of succeeding to the throne man came to power and was given the world's most powerful land army." Quote, Prince Wilhelm's mindset on the threshold of succeeding to the throne was characterized by bella co-sambition and contempt for parliaments and political parties, indeed for civilians

in general. Britain must be destroyed, was his watchword, and he was already developing a passion for the idea of a strong German navy. But Paris too had to be destroyed, he railed. Wilhelm was, naturally, very much in favor of war, and hopes it will break out soon. General Valderstein noted with Glee on 25 January 1887, under the latter's influence, the prince also advocated war with Russia. That young man once war with Russia and would like to draw his sword straight away if he

could. Chancellor Bismarck recorded with dismay in 1888. So and to be clear, he doesn't come to power until he is nearly 30 years old. Yeah. Is that right? So at this point, we're like, this is no longer. It'll be 29. Yeah. Yeah.

So this is no longer a juvenile young boy who wants to have sex with his mother's hand. This is a grown-ass, petty man who wants to have sex with his mother's hand. Who wants to have sex with his mother's hand. This is a grown-ass, petty man who wants to have sex with his mother's hand, of course. Now, Bismarck was also deeply concerned about the young Emperor's almost violent hatred of Jewish people. This was the result of the influence of one at all, Vaughn Stoker, the court chaplain. Now, Stoker was a member of the Christian Socialist Movement, an anti-Semitic far-right party that also hated Catholics. Phil Helm's parents and grandmother had all been disgusted by discrimination, and had pushed to end it in their country. But Phil Helm wanted to blaze a new, much more racist

path, and he was supported in this by the Prussian officer corps, who were also thoroughly bigoted. The Kaiser and his new allies wanted to keep the German race pure, stop Jewish immigration and remove Jews from positions in schools and public office. Before his ascension, Bismarck had rebuked the prince for his support of anti-Semitism. This sparked a passive-aggressive battle between the two men, from vanderkists' biography of Wilhelm. When Bismarck had articles published in the official press taking the religious conservatives to task for using Wilhelm, the latter wrote petulantly to Henspeter that he did not deserve such treatment, as for the chancellor's

sake he had, for years locked myself out of my parent's house. At about the same time, Wilhelm drafted a proclamation to the German princes, which was to be published in the event of his session. Biz Mark told him to burn it. Soaking, Wilhelm replied that when he came to the throne he would have all Jewish influence over the press stopped. Told that this would be a violation of the constitution. Philhom said,

grandly that they would have to get rid of the constitution as well. Sounds like someone we know. Yeah. Yeah. If you look up Kaiser, Philhom, Donald Trump, there's like a dozen different articles that different people have written about similarities

between the two men. I think for one thing, I think that's, I don't entirely agree with that for a number of reasons. One of them is that Ville Homes is an infinitely more sympathetic figure than Donald Trump. Right. But there are some similarities and that that would definitely be one of them.

Oh wow, there's a whole, there's a whole goddamn New Yorker article. Yeah, there's a ton of articles about the similarities between the two men. Um, well, I'm a genius. Yeah, Wilhelm was fond of making these sorts of grand threats and pronouncements like the one he made against Russia and England. Fortunately, they rarely resulted in anything. He was easy to talk down and he was liable to bulk at the last minute from acting on any of his rhetoric, but the rhetoric itself had a damaging effect on international relations. They'll help deeply worried the rest of Europe when he made this pronouncement to the people

of Germany after taking the crown. We were born to each other, I and the army, we were born for each other and we'll cleave indiscibly to each other, whether it be the will of God to send us to calm or storm. You will soon swear fealty and submission to me, and I promise ever to bear in mind from the world above the eyes of my forefathers look down on me, and that I shall one day have to stand accountable for them for the glory and honor of the army. Also, why can't you have sex with your mother's hand? That should be legal.

T.T. Y.L. Wilhelm. Now, the Kaiser had no real military experience and no aptitude whatsoever for warfare. But he felt that he had to portray himself as a mighty warlord. And part because his father and grandfather had been mighty warlords. That was kind of Prussia's whole deal. So to compensate for being just a dude with a bad arm, Villalum collected an absurd amount

of military uniforms. His cousin, the queen of Romania, wrote that he changed his uniform several times a day as a smart woman changes her gown. Now, Vanderkiss... It's embarrassing. I know. It's about to get embarrassinger, because Vanderkiss' book goes into detail about just how extensive Vilhelm's wardrobe really was. In addition to his much cherished foreign uniforms, he had a full one for every Prussian regiment over 300 alone to say nothing of those of Bavaria, Saxony, and Wurtemberg, as well as Naval

and Marine uniforms. All had their own individual badges, sashes, caps, helmets, epileps, shoulder points, belts, swords, lenses, and firearms. The resulting wardrobe and armory had to be housed in a hall containing huge wardrobes. With a camera dener on duty from one to night to select the shortest possible notice any out that he might require. According to Anne Topham, his daughter's governess, he cut a fine figure in military dress, but in civilian clothes the effect was completely lacking.

Many German gentlemen lost much appearance when out of uniform, but none to the extent that their Emperor did. He no longer had any shred of dignity, and curiously enough that Charm of Manor was also bereft of its influence and merged into what was an offensive weary Simba Funery. He was wise, she added, not to appear before his subjects except in uniform. Oh God, I look how he's just like, how could I possibly not be a warrior? Look at all my shirts! Like you're like, yeah. That's not how that works.

Pause, pizzas here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. Puts us here. P We invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you. I'm Catherine Nicolai, and you might know me from the bedtime story podcast, nothing much happens. I'm an architect of Kozy, and I invite you to come spend some time where everyone is welcome and kindness is the default. When you tune in, you'll hear stories about bakeries and walks in the woods. A favorite booth at the diner and a blustery autumn day. Cats and dogs and rescued goats and donkeys. Old houses, bookshops, beaches were kites flying and pretty stones are found. I have so many stories to tell you, and they are all designed to help you feel good and feel connected to what is good in the world.

Listen, relax, enjoy. Listen to stories from the Village of Nothing Much on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The assassination of President John F. Kennedy is the greatest murder mystery in American history. That's Rob Breiner. Rob called me, so would Ado Bre Bryan and ask me what I knew about this crime. I know 60 years later, new leads are still emerging.

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and I'm talking to one about my messed up life. Come see what all the hype is about, and if it's worth it. Listen to the dream on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your stories. So we're back. They received pizza in the room and Jamie and I are talking about all the articles comparing Kaiserville Helm to Trump. And one of the things I noted is that like nobody ever really defends Kaiserville Helm, one of my weird hobbies is I like to go on YouTube and I like to find collections of Imperial Prussian and Imperial British

and Imperial Russian like court music, like military marches and stuff like that. And I like to read the comments. I think this would love that. That's very weird. stuff like that i'd like to read the comments very weird yeah well i like to read the comments because the comments are filled with monarchists with people who like desperately want to return to monarchy in europe and they're all the saddest dumbest people in the entire world and it's it's i like to read their arguments between each other

but nobody ever defends the Kaiser. No, that's good. That's, I mean, commenters will defend almost anything. That's it. I like to go to the YouTube so it's like, okay, not the, okay, what am I saying? Okay, where you're like looking for a specific song and see you search it on YouTube and then you accidentally scroll down to the comments

and it's like something that's very depressing out of nowhere. I forget what song I was looking at recently. But the top comment was like, my husband died to this song and and it's nice that it's on YouTube.com. And it was like a dance song. But anyways, I love comments. There's a story there. Where's the will helm hive?

Where's the will hive? Yeah, they are not, not buzzing because he was really bad at his job. And even the dumbest people in the world, monarchists, can recognize that. Now, as his reign began, the Kaiser fell under the influence of a number of bad apples. There was the anti-Semite stoker who we already talked about. There was also Count Alfred von Waldersee, the deputy chief of the German general staff. Now he was a rabidly pro-war nutfuck who supported an immediate attack against both France

and Russia. Like this was his advisor, we just invade them both simultaneously right now. Now when Bismarck heard about the growing friendship between the Kaiser and Waldersee, he has said to have cried, alas, my poor grandchildren. So Bismarck being a smart guy,

pretty instantly realizes like, oh shit, this dude is gonna plunge the whole continent into a stupid, stupid war. And... Boy was he right. He was not wrong, like he said. Bismarck is a very, is a visionary. He's a bad man, but he's a visionary

and he clearly saw what was going to happen. I hate when the bad people are smart as well. Yeah. And they're more effectively bad. Yeah, I mean, in Bismarck's defense, he was just kind of a sociopath, but he wasn't betting, his goals weren't dominate Europe

and put all the Jews in camp. His goals were insured Germany, a place of prominence among nations and stop a massive European war. And he did gross and manipulative things to insure that. But he wasn't trying to like make the world worse. He wasn't doing chaos for chaos is sick. Yeah, yeah. He wasn't like a, yeah, his goals were like, he just wants things to not break into a war. And he wants Germany to be popular.

Okay. Well, he felt. Yeah, he definitely didn't succeed in the long run. He just wants things to not break into a war and he wants Germany to be popular. Okay. Well, he felt. Yeah, he definitely didn't succeed in the long run. Now, Count Yuleenberg, the Kaiser's best friend and probable crush also led to the Kaiser's break with Bismarck. The Kaiser demanded that a Bismarck promote the count

to the position of Prussian envoy in Munich, which was a very important job. Now, Bismarck bulked at giving this job to an inexperienced friend of the kings. The conflict between the two men very much embodied a greater conflict within German governance. A large chunk of the country, including Bismarck, wanted Germany to be a proper nation-state with rules and laws and checks and balances. They weren't Democrats and I don't mean that like the American political sense, I mean like pro-democracy sense, at least not all of them, but they didn't want an absolute monarchy where the

Kaiser's will determine to everything. The Kaiser, on the other hand, didn't really see why other people should have a say in how he ran Germany. Now, Bismarck warned the Kaiser that filling government posts with his buddies would lead to a situation wherein he couldn't actually trust any of his ministers to give him good information, because they'd all be totes at worst or his friends at best, and in any case they wouldn't be trustworthy to actually speak the truth to him when the truth needed speaking. The guys who ignored Bismarck, and over the next few years the positions of the ministers and the Reich-Chancellor, Bismarck's job,

were demoted to what role calls royal lackeys. Oh, boy, yeah. Yeah, throughout 1888 and 1889, Wilhelm and Bismarck's relationship degraded. Things came to a head in 1889 when a bunch of miners in the rural district went on strike for better working conditions. Now, here, Hens Peter had what you would actually say

is a positive influence. As odd as it sounds, Kaiser Wilhelm instantly cited with the striking workers against their employers. This caused another riff between him and Bismarck because Bismarck, again, a piece of shit, in the chance they didn't... It's a rare good move, but... Yeah, the chancellor didn't give a fuck about the workers and obviously cared mostly about steel production and his friends who ran the companies.

But the Kiser stood for the working people on May 12th, he charged into a meeting of the Prussian Ministry of State and declared that Bismarck was wrong for not asserting to their demands. And declared the workers were his subjects whom he had to look after. All right, go on. No, this is likely.

Yeah, this is good. Now, Wilhelm got his way on the Rurst Reich for their frustrating the Reich Chancellor. In the summer of 1889, he took his yacht out for his first cruise across Scandinavian waters. This became a yearly tradition, when he kept up for decades. On his first outing, he brought Valdersee and Juleenberg with him. The latter was, at least, a sane person who didn't support wars of aggression with the rest of the world.

But Valdersee was a racist nutfuck, and during their vacation, he convinced the Kaiser that Bismarck was Jew-ridden and had been conned to giving control of the Reich's monetary policy to a bunch of Jews. Wait, and this is his crush? No, no, no, his crush is a pretty reasonable guy. This is that racist general who wants him to invade the entire world. God, the names are so confusing. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. There's a lot. Valdercy is the racist general. Yulenberg is his crush. Mm-hmm.

Now, so Valdercy convinces the Kaiser that Bismarck had been conned into giving control of the Reich's monetary policy to a bunch of Jews. This was a lie, but reality had very little influence on the Kaiser. Now, this month-long annual cruise around the coast of Norway became one of the Kaiser's favorite things, and I have to read you a vanderciss description of it because it sounds like the worst time you could have on a boat. The annual cruise, or Nordland Rice, with its exclusively male company allowed him the Kaiser to indulge in practical jokes and boyish Tom Foulary, like applying a foot to the backside of elderly Aids Decomp engaged in physical exercises. Its purpose was originally

to give him a month-long break from court life, but InduCourse's doctor decided it was counter-productive as he was physically and mentally upset by the long voyage, diet, and exhaustion of various kinds, and it did him more harm than good. His entourage, soon tired of these cruises, bored if not repelled by the juvenile atmosphere and behavior of the Kaiser and some of his officers, who loathed every childish prank and moment themselves, but were too sick of antic to say so. God, it sounds like. You're gonna go in a, it reminds me of like that documentary

where Jim Carrey goes method. We were like, oh, he's just a tyrant. He's been waiting his whole life to get people trapped in this enclosed setting to be horrible. Cool. Well, I'm glad that it pranks on the set of his yacht. You wanna go on a month long prank cruise with the King Boy? Yeah, with the King Boy who has a God.

Imagine just having a lot of cruise with him and all of his demons. That's wild. Oh, Gary and Tew, he never didn't have an erection and he never knew what it was for. He was like, he's just walking around with a full erection all the time. Like, do you guys know what this is? Just kicking people in the butt. I think he's laughing hard as a rock, kicking old people around. What? Okay, well, he's officially, you know, well, I mean, he's just about, he's a bad man,

he's a creatively bad man in this case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really, really punishing everyone around him in very specific ways. Yeah. My God. January of 1890, Wilhelm told his crown council that he would celebrate his 31st birthday with two new proclamations, one to protect working people and limit their labor hours, and another to call an international summit in Berlin to improve labor conditions across the continent.

So that's pretty cool, right? Yeah, all right. Labor crusader. I'm very surprised that he was like, gunning for labor like this. He, well, you know, one of the good things about hints, Peterers, he had taken him around to all these factories and minds and stuff when he was a kid. So the Kaiser had seen like how tough life was for working people. And he wasn't, he's not like a sociopath or anything.

He had empathy for these people. So he did care about people like he's not a monster. He does monsterist things, but he's not a monster. Now, Bismarck thought that the Kaiser's love of the working people was super dumb. The two fought over this and another fight broke out in March of 1890 when Bismarck entered into negotiations with the leader of the center party.

He's like, Doc, why do you care about the poor? Is this such a bad fucking look? They're the poor's, man, come on. The poor's, what the fuck, what are you gonna get out of that? So Bismarck enters into negotiations with the leader of the center party, a guy named Windthorst, and their goal is to get rid of bigoted anti-Catholic legislation in Germany.

So again, Bismarck is trying to fight against discrimination here. So none of these sides are simple here. Bismarck hates working people, but also hates discrimination. The Kaiser fights for the working man, but gets furious about removing this anti-Catholic legislation because he's a bigot. So they're just like a stalemate? Yeah.

Now, he's particularly pissed that this meeting between Bismarck and the leader of the center party had been organized by Bismarck's banker, who was a Jewish man. Now, to the Kaiser, this was confirmation that the Jews were secretly running his empire via Bismarck. Oh god damn it, okay. Next, according to Kaiserville Home the Second, a concise life. Early in the morning of 15 March 1890, there took place one of the most highly charged scenes ever played out in Berlin's center of government, the Wilhelm Straussah. Kaiserville Home the Second summoned the 75-year-old

Reich Chancellor from his bed and upgraded him for receiving Winthorst. He went on to complain that Bismarck had dug out a dusty old cabinet order of 1852 that prevented the monarch from receiving ministers except in the presence of the minister president. He preemptorally demanded that the order be rescinded, which Bismarck refused to do. Wilhelm later recounted that Bismarck had become so violent towards him that he was afraid the Chancellor would throw the ink stand at my head. After the dramatic quarrel, Valdercy urged the Kaiser in the presence of the chief of the military cabinet to sack Bismarck forthwith. The present state of affairs was quite untenable, he argued, and moreover the Chancellor was

too closely allied with the Jews. Bismarck first sent honk, is like military leader, and then the chief of the civil cabinet, Hermann von Lucannis, to the Chancellor, ordering him to hand in his resignation, which Bismarck finally did on 18 March 1890. If Valdersee is one can safely assume, expected to take Bismarck's place, he was in for a bitter disappointment. That same evening, Wilhelm II announced to the commanding generals, as symboled in the Berlin schloss, that in order to remain master of the situation, he had to issue an order

to the chancellor, insist situation, he had to issue an order to the chancellor insisting that he submit. So the Kaiser accepted Bismarck's letter of, he's retired, his retirement, and made a guy named Caprivi, who was a licks battle, the new chancellor. So he forces out the guy who, like the political cartoons in Europe at this time

are like show the Kaiser on a boat kicking Bismarck the pilot of the boat off of the ship. Who? And that's generally how this is seen. Germany has like jettisoned its pilot in favor of the dumbest monarch in Europe. The man, what a choice. What a choice.

All right. It's not great. It's not great. I mean, there's no winning scenario, but they did seem to choose the losing order of the team. What a choice. What a choice. Yeah. All right. It's not great. It's not great. I mean, there's no winning scenario, but they did seem to choose the losing or of the team. They definitely chose the losingest scenario. The losing or, yeah.

But you know what's not the losing scenario, Jamie? Tell me. The products and services that support this show. Oh, it's true. I love each and every,, even especially the dick pills. The dick pills especially and you know one of the behind the bastards guarantees is that no more than 7% of our sponsors contributed to the outbreak of hostilities in World War One. Wow. Okay. So that's a guarantee no other podcast will give you. That's a little wiggle room. That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah.

Up to 7%. Okay. I'll crunch those numbers and then cancel you later All right, here's some ads Now with Bismarck out of Kaiser Wilhelm was the unquestioned chief power in Germany And this was not a good thing Wilhelm was bad at every aspect of the job, particularly diplomacy. He was convinced that- And he had been for years, is the most-

It had been for years. It was not a shock to anyone. Oh, okay. Yeah. Now, he was convinced that his relation to the other crowned heads of Europe and his personal charisma would allow him to negotiate well with other nations.

The New Yorker summarizes his talent for this part of the job, thusly. Quote, he called the diminutive king Victor Emanuel III of Italy, the dwarf, in front of the king's own entourage. He called Prince later Zara Ferdinand of Bulgaria, Ferdinando Naso, on account of his beaky nose, and spread rumors that he was a hermaphrodite. Since Philhelm was notably in the screed, people always, yeah, since Wilhelm was notably in discrete, people always knew what he was saying behind their backs. Ferdinand had his revenge after a visit to Germany in 1909, during which the Kaiser slapped him on the bottom

in public and then refused to apologize. Ferdinand awarded a valuable arms contract that had been promised to the Germans to a French company instead. One of the many things that Wilhelm was convinced he was brilliant at, despite all evidence to the contrary, was personal diplomacy, fixing foreign policy through one-on-one meetings with other European monarchs and statesmen.

This is one of the reasons people compare him to Trump a lot. In 1890, he let laps a long-standing defensive agreement with Russia, the German Empire's vast and sometimes threatening Eastern neighbor. He judged wrongly that Russia was so desperate for German goodwill that he could keep it dangling. Instead, Russia immediately made an alliance with Germany's Western neighbor and enemy France. I don't like a single negotiation. That's nasty. It's bad.

Wipe it. Villum decided he would charm him and manipulate Zarnicolis in a second, a nanny and a whimperer according to Bill Helm, fit only to grow turnips into abandoning the alliance. In 1897, Nicholas told Bill Helm to get lost, the German-Russian alliance withered. So he comes to power, and within a couple of years, scraps the alliance with Russia, and Russia immediately allies with France, which means that Germany is now surrounded on both sides by enemies.

So he went from Germany's entire flank to the east being totally protected by a military ally to the nation being surrounded. What? Jesus Christ. That is so bad at this. It's crazy how I did the speed at which he's bad at it too. Like if he's not even a slow burn,

like, I do something shitty, like he's just exped a slow burn like I do something shitty everyone like he's just like expeditiously Ruining everything no, he is a more stupid faster guy Very much so the worst kind of person okay Now one good thing you can say for the Kaiser is that he was better than most modern governance that promoting gay people to positions of high authority The downside of this is that these guys were all his friends and sick offense, and he almost certainly had no idea they were gay. His best friend, Juleenberg, of course occupied high positions in the Reich, but there were

too many rumors about him for him to be made chancellor. There were a number of like, like trials and like news stories that would come out. So the guys are promoted a dude named Buleau for the job. A letter Buleau wrote in July 1896 shows that things within the German government had degraded exactly the way Bismarck predicted they would. Quote, I would be a different kind of chancellor

for my predecessors. Bismarck was a power in his own right, a pipin, a reach-aloo, Caprivi and Hohenlo regarded or regard themselves as the representatives of the government into a certain extent of the parliament and relation to his majesty. I would regard myself as the executive tool of his majesty, so to speak his political

chief of staff with me personal rule in the good sense would really begin. I'm picturing this as like an Instagram caption. Yeah. Yeah. Bilo would have been tweeting sick offantically about his boss in this modern era, but he's like, he comes to power and immediately promises, I'm going to do everything the Kaiser says and not represent the rest of the government in any way. Like, that's his promise. Wow. And these things, that's a good thing. Now, in an 1898 letter to his mother, Kaiser Wilhelm exalted in his ability to gradually wear down the government of Germany into acting as just an extension of his ego. Forever and ever,

he exalted in the letter to his mother in 1898. There is only one real emperor in the world, and that is the German, regardless of his person and qualities, but by right of a thousand years tradition, and his chancellor has to obey. Oh, God, leave your mother, if nothing else, leave your poor mother alone. Now, Yulenberg, who'd put Bielo up for the job because Yulenberg, there were too many rumors about him being gay, wrote the new chancellor,

this advice for working under Kaiser Wilhelm. And again, I have to remind you, this man loves Wilhelm. Right, well, I mean, yeah. Wilhelm the second takes everything personally. Only personal arguments make any impression on him. He likes to give advice to others, but is unwilling to take it himself. He cannot stand boredom, ponderous stiff, excessively thorough people get on his nerves and cannot get anywhere with him.

They'll home the second once to shine and decide everything himself. What he wants to do himself, unfortunately, often goes wrong. He loves glory, he is ambitious and jealous. To get him to accept an idea, one has to pretend that the idea came from him. Never forget that his majesty needs praise from time to time. He is the sort of person who becomes so-and unless he has given recognition from time to time by someone of importance. You will always accomplish whatever you wish, so long as you do not admit to express your

appreciation when his majesty deserves it. He is grateful for it like a good clever child. If one remains silent when he deserves recognition, he eventually scenes malevolence in it. We too will always carefully observe the boundaries of flattery. I mean, who among us has not worked for someone exactly like this? Uh-huh, absolutely. Yeah. I was working for someone like this two weeks ago.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, Hollywood is 30% people like this. It's 30% Phil Helm, yeah. Yeah, Hollywood is 30% people like this. 30% will help. Yeah. Yeah. Oh God. I mean, but the fact that that's like one of his closest friends, he's like, yeah, he's an absolute nightmare. He's the worst person I know, but also he's my closest friend. So, you know, I love him. Yeah. And the health insurance is great. So put up with it. Yeah. Now, Wilhelm had a bad reputation for basically citing with whatever the last person he talked to had said. Since a number of his generals were

war-mongering racists, this was problematic. In 1896, the Kaiser empholstically sent a congratulatory telegram to Paul Kruger of the Transvall Republic, South Africa, for his victory over a British raiding party. This is like in the Boer War period. Now, the Boers are a Germanic people, and there was great sympathy for them within the Reich,

but England was the world's preeminent naval power. And by sending this message, the Kaiser provoked rage from a country he really needed to keep on his side since he'd already alienated Russia. So that's not a great move, like... No. ...reaching out to the enemy

of the greatest naval power in the world, be like, good job killing some of their guys. Like, it doesn't play well in England. Again, petty, petty dumb, petty dumb. Now, there were numerous other insults and slides like that. He was a Kaiser for like 26 years before the war, and this shit happened constantly. I'm just gonna, you know, I'm giving you a couple of examples so you know the sorts of shit he was up to. 6 years before the war and this shit happened constantly.

Bit by bit, Villehelm alienated basically all of Germany's allies. His advisors and ministers, Minleik Bülo and Yulenberg, proved unable to do anything but praise the Kaiser and hoped to calm him down and reduce his impulsive swings. They were often unsuccessful. In 1900, the Boxer Rebellion in China led to the capture of a number of Europeans, including Germans in the city of Peking. Most of Europe's great powers dispatched soldiers to deal with the situation. The Kaiser was late in doing so, and his men arrived too late to participate in the fight. But before they left, the Kaiser insisted on addressing them personally with a speech that made him the laughing stock of Europe. It ended like this.

Should you encounter the enemy, he will be defeated. No quarter will be given. Prisoners will not be taken. them personally with a speech that made him the laughing stock of Europe. It ended like this. Should you encounter the enemy, he will be defeated. No quarter will be given. Prisoners will not be taken. Whoever falls into your hands is forfeited. Just as a thousand years ago, the Huns under their king Atilla made a name for themselves. One that even today makes them seem mighty and history and legend. Made a name German, be affirmed by you in such a way in China that no Chinese will ever again dare to look cross-eyed at a German. Now, you've heard of like how the Huns, like Germany was referred to as the Huns in like World War One propaganda

by the British and the Americans and stuff. This speech is why. The Huns' speech is what people call it. So they were just getting, they were just like roasting, build up indirectly. Exactly. They're pretty directly actually. Yeah, I guess that's not even a sub-tweet. Because like this is seen as really silly. For one thing, like beating China in this period was not something to brag about. Like the European powers had machine guns

and like modern battleships and military tactics. And the Chinese military just did not. And so it wasn't really a fight. Also the Germans arrived too late to participate in the fight. So this was both seen as like a man-child pretending to be a warrior, but it was also seen as deeply worrying by the crowned heads of Europe, the other leaders of the European powers, because the Kaiser had Europe's most powerful army. And it's not comforting to hear him say this.

It's like somebody with a huge gun collection talking about how he could carry out a school shooting if he wanted to. Oh, that's always very comfortable. You'd be like, oh fuck, yeah, this is a problem. Maybe I should call the police, but of course there's no police to call on the Kaiser. No, don't you love when someone's above the law

and therefore thousands of people have to die? Millions, but yeah. Mill, oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah to die. Millions, but yeah. Mill, oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, millions. Millions. Millions worth. Okay. Okay.

Now, speaking of the army, they were the only ones who really gained in power during Velhams reign. He had a habit of promoting generals to ministerial positions. He liked being surrounded and consulted by them. His appointees included General Alfred von Schlieffen, a military tactician who developed an elaborate plan for how Germany could beat both Russia and France in a European war. Wasn't it like a five-year plan? What was the duration? It was very quick. It was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very it now because we'll help fucked up and made Russia an enemy. So Germany has to fight both Russia and France at the same time. So Schleefen's idea was that the vast majority of the German's army, like two or three

million men, would invade and conquer Paris very quickly. And then a small chunk of the German army would hold off the Russian army in the east until the rest of the army could be freed up and sent by rail to go fight the Russians. The only way for them to beat France quickly was to bypass France's fortresses and defensive line on the German-French border and invade through Belgium. Now this would necessitate Germany's neutral power. So this would necessitate Germany's launch of war of aggression against a neutral power. So this would like necessitate Germany launch a war of aggression against a neutral power and Britain had an agreement with Belgium

that they would defend them from this sort of thing. So basically the nature of the Schleef plan essentially guaranteed that Britain would get involved in a war between France and Germany. Okay. So it's not a great plan. It's a very detailed and elaborate plan, but it's not a good idea. It's a very detailed and elaborate plan, but it's not a good idea.

And it's just like, this is Siri. And he's like, all right, he knows what I wanna do. And everyone's like, well, at least he came up with a plan. I mean, you could argue that it was the best possible plan in the impossible situation that the Kaiser Hitler drew.

A good plan? Yeah. No, no, no. But like, if you have to try to beat Russia, a sixth of the world in French, the second largest military power in Europe, simultaneously, there's really no good way to do that. And in Schleefen's defense,

this actually came very close to working. Like Germany almost one World War I, very early on. Okay. They didn't in everything else that happened. Bravely to come to Schleifens' defense in this way. It's more just pointing out, I think it's important to note how powerful the German army was. The German army essentially on its own, because Austria-Hungary was useless, and there allies the Italians turned their backs on them almost immediately. So Germany, on their own, conquered a huge chunk of France, beat Russia, beat Romania, and

conquered the majority, like almost won a war against the entire world. And that's the force that this guy inherits, this like young man with anger problems. Yeah. So it's less like a guy with a gun collection and a guy with a new collection. Like he's, that's the power of the army that he gets as birthright. Right. Which maybe means you shouldn't get armies by birthright.

Now there's, now there's something to think about. Yeah. Hold on a second. Yeah, yeah. So it's a bad idea. So basically the Schleif and Plan means that by necessity, there would be no defensive wars for Germany under the Kaiser. So another general close to the Kaiser was Helmuth von Moltka.

Moltka was one of the relatively few people who was brave enough to criticize Kaiser Wilhelm to his face. The cause of his iron in the first case was the annual German war games, particularly the fact that every year they were arranged so that the Kaiser would win no matter what he did. Von Moeku was convinced that the next European war would be an enormous bloody affair, consisting of millions of men and entire nations at arms. He did not think set peace war games like Germany practice were adequately preparing her for

the sort of conflict. And I'm going to quote a passage now from von Mock his memoirs. And this is him talking to the Kaiser. And when I now look at the strategic war game plans which you're put before your majesty year after year regularly ending with the taking prisoner of enemy armies consisting of five or six hundred thousand men and that too after only a few days of operations, I cannot avoid the feeling of this in no way meets the conditions of war. I cannot engage in such war games. Your majesty knows yourself that the army is led by you regularly and circle the enemy,

and in this way, allegedly in the war with one blow. In my opinion, these results can only be brought about by forcefully distorting circumstances in such a way that the basic principle that the war games should be a study for real war and should take into account all the friction and obstacles that arise in war, is not met. This kind of wargame in which, to a certain extent, your majesty's enemy is at your mercy, with his hands tied from the outset, must give rise to false ideas, which can only be pre-nicious when war comes. But in my view, this is not the worst part of it.

I hold it to be even more disturbing that the distorted wargames have the effect of destroying their interest for the wide circle of officers involved. Everybody has the feeling that it doesn't matter what you do. A higher destiny controls the business and brings it one way or another to the desired conclusion. Your majesty will have noticed that it becomes increasingly difficult to find officers who want to exercise command against you. This is because everyone says, I'll only be wiped off the map. However, what I complain about most and what I must say to your majesty is that because of all this, the officers' confidence in their supreme commander is severely shaken. The officers

say that the Kaiser is much too clever not to notice how everything is arranged and that he shall turn out to win, so that must be the way he wants it. Now, the Kaiser expressed shock to MOTKA that things had been arranged this way and claimed to have no idea that the war games he took part in every year were rigged. I honestly believe that. Yeah, I think he's just deluded.

Yeah, I think that he, I mean, it's like given his upbringing and the fact that just no one has ever pointed anything out to him in his entire life, like it tracks that he's like, wait a second, I'm not fucking the coolest person that's ever... I'm not the best military leader in history. Especially at this point where he's been in charge for so long too, like no one has neged him in decades.

Yeah, not since Hens Peter. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and that a great thing. No, from an early age, Ville Helm II had been obsessed with warships, like most boys. But unlike most boys, he came up to own a nation, and he was able to indulge in his obsession with naval boats. This quickly became a problem. See, England's thing was being the best at having a navy.

Since they were a tiny country with a very tiny army, the Royal Navy was really the only thing that ensured Great Britain's safety. Germany was the unquestioned military master of Europe, and the only reason that Britain didn't worry more was that they had naval supremacy. But in 1897, Wilhelm made an admiral named Alfred von Terpitz, the secretary of the navy. Now his reasons for this were simple. Terpitz was good at praising the Kaiser and making him feel included in naval decisions. Terpitz had realized on their first meeting that the Kaiser quote, did not live in the real world and had discovered that he could very easily manipulate the emperor by painting a lyrid picture of a gallant and unstoppable high seas fleet.

In 1897, the year after the Kaiser's disastrous Kruger telegram where he praised people for killing British soldiers, Germany passed its first naval bill, announcing a massive expansion of the fleet. Coming a year after the Kaiser praised one of Britain's enemies for defeating her soldiers, this was not seen as a friendly move. According to John Cetir, a professor at the University of Virginia, quote, the Kaiser often indignantly denied that Germany was challenging Britain's domination of the seas, but there is clear evidence that this was in fact the aim of Admiral Alfred von

Terpitz, whom he had made Secretary of the Navy in 1897. When in 1904, Britain settled its outstanding disputes with France, the Kaiser at Bilo's suggestion went to Tangier, the following year to challenge France's position in Morocco by announcing German support for Moroccan independence. His hopes of thereby showing that Britain was of no value as an ally to France were disappointed at the 1906 Algiers Conference in which the Germans were forced to accept French predominance over Morocco. In 1908 William caused great excitement in Germany by giving after a visit to England a

tackless interview to the Daily Telegraph, telling his interviewer that large sections of the German people were anti-English. He had sent the text beforehand to Buleau, who had probably neglected to read it and who defended his master very lamely in the Reichstag. This led Wilhelm to play a less prominent role in public affairs, and feeling that he had been betrayed by Buleau, he replaced him with the Evol-Baud-Bethmann Holwig. Bethmann's attempts to reach agreement with Britain failed, because Britain would not promise neutrality in a war between Germany and France unless Germany would limit its fleet. This the Kaiser interprets refused to do. So there's a chance to stop Britain from coming in against Germany in World War I, but he has to not build a shitload of boats and the Kaiser really wants a shitload of toy boats.

I mean, and he's one. And again, you can track that way, the fuck back. This man loves his boats. He loves his fucking boats. Jesus. Now, that Moroccan crisis that was talked about in the quote above, very nearly resulted in World War I breaking out in 1906. And in that case, the Kaiser and everyone were lucky that cooler heads were able to pull Europe's

fat out of the fire. But the fact that things had gotten that close was evidence that the Kaiser's utter lack of competent ministers and gut-focused foreign policy was basically the world's deadliest game of dice. The series of bad decisions that would lead the world into blood-soaked calamity started in 1909, when Austria-Hungary announced the formal annexation of Bosnia and Herzgovina. These provinces had been administered by Vienna since 1878, but they were formally part

of the Ottoman Empire. When the young Turk-Karabelians swept the Ottoman Empire and imposed a constitution on the Sultan, Austria-Hungary saw it as a chance to write what they saw as a historical wrong. Now, the Ottoman Empire was allied with Germany, and that alliance was one of Wilhelm's very few successes. But the Kaiser was unhappy with the young Turk revolution, because the constitution they forced on the Sultan was made an imitation of Great Britain, and Wilhelm took offense to this. Backing Austria-Hungary in this was an odd

decision, especially given the fact that one of Wilhelm's later schemes was to try and win the Muslim world over to his banner. And we're going to talk about that. But before we talk about how Kaiserville Helm tried to win over the Muslims, let's talk about how these products and services are going to try to win over your dollars. Eyo! Smooth transition is usual, Robert. Maybe my best, yeah.

Products! Tune in to the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much. Like easy listening, but perfection. If you've overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you. I'm Catherine Nicolai, and you might know me from the bedtime story podcast, nothing much happens. I'm an architect of Kozy and I invite you to come spend some time where everyone is welcome and kindness is the default. When you tune in you'll hear stories about bakeries and walks in the woods. A favorite booth at the diner and a blustery autumn day. Cats and dogs and rescued goats and donkeys.

Old houses, bookshops, beaches were kite flying, and pretty stones are found. I have so many stories to tell you, and they are all designed to help you feel good and feel connected to what is good in the world. Listen, relax, enjoy. Listen to stories from the village of Nothing Much on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. The assassination of President John F. Kennedy is the greatest murder mystery in American history. That's Rob Breiner. Rob called me, so would Addo Brein, and asked me what I knew about this crime. I know 60 years later, new leads are still emerging. To me, an award-winning journalist, that's the making of an incredible story. And on this podcast, you're going to hear it told by one of America's greatest storytellers. Well, last, who had the motive to assassinate a sitting president?

My dad, the father of JFK, screwed us at the Bay of Pigs, and then he screwed us after the Cuban Missile Crisis. We'll reveal why Lee Harvey Oswald isn't who they said he was. I was under the impression that Lee was being trained for a specific operation, then we'll pull the curtain back on the cover-up. The American people need to know the truth. Listen to Who Killed JFK on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey all, it's Jane Marie back with a new season of the dream. And it's exactly that for you, a dream.

For me, it was kind of a nightmare. See, I don't know if you noticed, but things have not been awesome for the past couple of years. I've personally been depressed and binging fast food and just sitting down a lot or laying down, and it seems like suddenly everyone is an expert on how to fix that. Half of all podcasts could be called, do what I say and your life will be better. So this season we're going to try that. By talking to the experts, those gurus, those guides.

Yes, I'm talking about life coaches. And I'm talking to one about my messed up life. Come see what all the hype is about and if it's worth it. Listen to the dream on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your stories. We're back! Huh! Now, we're talking about Kaiser Wilhelms' attempt to make all the Muslims love him. That may seem weird, but there's logic behind it. See, the British Empire ruled a huge chunk of the Muslim world, and the French Empire did as well, and most of those Muslims were unhappy

with this fact. If Wilhelm could earn their loyalty, he thought it would provide him with another weapon to use against England. Frinship with the Ottomans also helped counter Germany's isolation, which was only a thing because Wilhelm sucked at diplomacy. In 1905, he said this, and the present very tense circumstances when we stand almost alone in the face of great coalitions which are being formed against us, our last trump card is Islam and the Muhammad in the world.

So Vilhelm saw the young Turks and their Anglo-Friendliness as an attack on his hard-won court ship of their empire, so he threw them under the bus to support Austria-Hungary's ambitions. This trend of supporting Austria-Hungary regardless of what it did would prove to be all of Europe's undoing, as roles by Agrivi notes. From then onwards, Kaiser Wilhelm ardently supported his allies initiative and, as usual, overshot the mark in his martial enthusiasm. On the possibility of war between Austria-Hungary and Serbia, he exclaimed, if only it would

start! He was fully aware of the danger that Germany could be drawn into a war against France and Russia by a Balkan conflict. 13 years earlier, on November 1895, Wilhelm II had assured the Austro-Hungarian ambassador – let us law von – I'm not going to try to pronounce this fucker's name – the Austro-Hungarian ambassador, quite plainly, that he would stand at Austria-Hungary's side with all the forces it might disposal, without any further inquiry as to whether there's any cause for war that exists in our accordance with our Treaty of Alliance. You're all highest sovereign, Franz Joseph, maybe quite

sure that if at any moment the position of Austro-Hungarian monarchies at issue, my entire fighting forces will be immediately and unconditionally at his disposal. So the Kaiser gives Austria-Hungary a blank check to do whatever they want, and this would wind up probably being the key mistake most responsible for plunging Europe into the first world war. Yeah. Yeah. It seems to be the popular opinion. Yeah.

Yeah. When Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated by a Serbian partisan in the summer of 1914, it made Austria's war against Serbia inevitable. Russia was bound to come to Serbia's defense and the Kaiser had repeatedly promised loudly and publicly to back Austria-Hungarian in a such war. Now there had been another Balkan crisis in 1912 and 1913 that had almost led Europe off a cliff into war, but again cooler heads had talked things down. This time however, in 1914 there were fewer cooler heads available. For one thing, the Kaiser's best friend, Yulenberg, was no longer in the picture. A complex blackmail plot, orchestrated in part by pro-war elements in the German government, had been executed against Yulenberg. The chief cause for this

was Yulenberg's pacifism. Once he was out of the picture, the Kaiser had no friends close to him who actually cared about him as a human being. Yulenberg was a licks-spittle, but he was a licks-spittle who legitimately had Phil Helms' best interest at heart and didn't want a war. cared about him as a human being. Yolimberg was a licks battle, but he was a licks battle who'd legitimately had Phil Helms best interest at heart and didn't want to war. Sorry, can you unpack the term licks battle? Yeah, he's a sick of fant. He's somebody who just is gonna praise the leader

and not gonna question them too much. Is that your word or is that someone else's word? No, no, no, no, no, that's a common word. Yeah. Says you. I learned it from the Simpsons. Says, oh, okay, well fine Now, with Eulenberg gone, the Kaiser's next best friend was Prince Max Egon of Baton, who was closely related to the Emperor of Austria, Hungary, which,

of course, had drawn the Kaiser close to the Austrian royal family, which made him make more and more dumb promises. I'm simplifying things here by quite a lot because we only have so much time, but I think this paints the essential picture of what went on to bring Vel Helm to a point where he was willing to make these bad, bad, bad calls. I mean, it is kind of remarkable dishearing at all out in order,

like how long a massive conflict was avoided. Like that's, there's been, there's so many close scrapes before something actually starts. Yep, yep, yep. And yeah, there were a lot of other things going on. One of them was Cold Ugly Math. The German general staff had this fabulous plan, cooked up by Schleefen to win a two front war in Europe, and they'd kept careful tabs on both the Russian and French armies.

And they'd calculated that 1914 was basically the best year possible for them to have a war like this, if it was inevitable, which they thought it was, because both nations had started revamping their field armies. So this exact sequence of events that led to the outbreak of hostilities in World War I is too long a story to fit in at the end of an episode, and Kaiser Wilhelm's exact level of blame is heavily debated to this day. Rolf's book paints him as an eager belligerent, ringing his hands in anticipation. He was not excited for war precisely, but he was excited for a major diplomatic victory

that would humble Russia and Britain without a shot being fired. But he understood, because it might. Yeah, exactly. He understood, fighting might result, and he was willing to take that risk, but he didn't want it to come to that. He attempted to mediate between Austria and Serbia,

and was briefly optimistic of peace once the Serbian zealdaed to most of Austria's demands, but then his ally decided to go to war anyway and the Kaiser backed him still. Now, Vanderkiss biography paints a more reticent picture of Velhelm, his belligerent words and threats of violence were the same sort of impulsive passing fancies that had steered him his entire life. He was a rich kid with poor impulse control, but he ultimately didn't want war. And when it came, he was horribly anxious over the whole affair. Writing years later, Buello recalled, no German and above all, no English pacifist

was filled with a profound or more honest love of peace than was William II. It was his own and arm misfortune that his words and his gestures never coincided with his real attitude in the manner. When he boasted or even threatened people in words, it was often because he wanted to alay his own timidity. I think that's right.

Yeah. He's an awkward, sad, insecure kid who winds up boasting and threatening because he's fundamentally insecure. And because he's a crowned head of a nation, it helps lead to war. I feel like, yeah, that does seem like kind of the story of World War I in a lot of ways where it's like the social conflicts are generally directing stuff,

but then the fucked up in bread leaders are able to be manipulated accordingly. Yeah. And there was a big debate and has been for, and it still continues as to who is responsible for World War I. The nation of Germany was forced to take responsibility on the Treaty of Versailles, which was not fair. Germany and the Kaiser are not mostly responsible for World War I because there's so much blame

to be shared by different nations. But you could make a strong case that the single individual with the largest share of the blame is Kaiserville Helm II. You could make that strong case that the single individual with the largest share of the blame is Kaiserville Helm II. You can make that case. Yeah, I mean, and it was like, he was, it feels like his whole life is setting him up to do this level of fuck up, too. Yeah, exactly. You can see it coming from so far away.

It's infuriating. Yeah. Now, once war was joined, the Kaiser was hopeful that it would be be a short relatively bloodless affair and would leave the overall map of Europe Relatively unchanged. He's not a Hitler type guy He doesn't want to conquer France and he doesn't want to own and hold Belgium forever He wants to move through Belgium and then eventually leave he wants to beat France in a war and then sign a treaty with them Take a little bit more of their land maybe but he wants France to still exist Yeah, he doesn't really want to destroy England as a nation.

He doesn't want to conquer. He doesn't want to conquer the entire world, you know? He just wants to fuck his mom. He wants to fuck his mom, and he wants to be seen as a military hero. I mean, don't we all in a way? Yeah, we all in a way do. Yeah.

Now, Ville Helm believed he'd be able to arrange peace when it was necessary. It basically any point by just working things out one-on-one with his royal cousins. He noted that mere democracies could never make a peace conference work because war was a royal sport to be indulged in by hereditary monarchs and concluded at their will.

This was part of the idea about war at the time, which was that war between kings never is that bad because kings are all friends at the end. And you know, our soldiers will kill each other for a while, but I don't want you to lose your crown. I don't want things to be that bad for you. We're just having a spat. And you know, once this is concluded satisfactorily,

we can go back to being friends. This is Bill Hill's idea at the start of this. Yeah. Well, because he's, yeah, because he's like talking with his cousins. Yeah, exactly. It's like being, yeah, with just no awareness for the fact that there is a rest of the world that this affects. Yeah, and this is not how things worked out.

No. And World War I was instant, no, no. No? Like a quarter of a million Germans die in the first week of fighting. Oh shit. Like it's like hundreds of thousands of people are dead as soon as the fighting starts. Yeah. And the Kaiser, you know, as the situation grows more serious, the Kaiser is very quickly

sidelined by his generals. He actually had almost no role in the conduct of the war throughout the vast majority of it. Right. It was basically ceremonial, you know, he had dressed factory workers and soldiers, and he spent a lot of his time on vacations at his farm. Germany increasingly became a military dictatorship, and by the end of it, the Kaiser was as much of a figurehead as the King of England. And of course, when the war ended in... Yeah, when the war ended in German defeat, and 17 million deaths, theyillehme, the second was forced to abdicate and flee the country.

He spent the rest of his life in Dorn, in the Netherlands, living the quiet life of a country gentleman, and a global pariah until his death in 1941 from being old as shit. In the end, I think the best epitaph for this man was written by journalist Charles Lowe, a foreign correspondent for the Times. He called Wilhelm quote, The Chief Creator of the War Spirit, which he founded impossible to exercise or resist, and was thus so to say devoured by his own offspring. For at the last moment, when shrinking from the results of his own creative handiwork,

he allowed the sword in his own phrase to be thrust into his hand, which was just as much as if he had drawn it of his own accord, thus proving himself to be a weak-willed and criminal ruler, the most nefarious of his kind, whoever sat upon a throne. There it is, that hand comparison again. Sorry, you hate to see it, the hand is back. It all comes back to the fucking hands. Oh, always back to hands with this guy. Well, yeah, you know, what a coward that was set up to be a fucking loser

that would cost millions of people their lives. Yep, yep. Yeah. And that's why monarchists are the dumbest people in the world. Yeah, they're horrible in there. And I hate that there's usually an end to feel kind of bad for them because you're like, oh, well, why would you not be horrible? Why would you be good? Monarchs, like monarchs themselves, like I absolutely, you have to have sympathy for a guy like Phil Helm, because like, fuck, man, there's no good ending to this story. But like the people who want to go back

to having a monarchy, I baffles me. I can't figure out, I'm like, do you just like tabloids? Like where? You like fancy costumes. That's what this shit's about. Wait, it's, I mean, like, you can still have that. There's a lot of people that'll wear a lot of fancy. You should just start watching drag race.

If you're a Marquis, just start watching drag race. You'll get what you want. And then, so are you. I'm sorry. No, no, that's the end of my call to action for the monarchists. Has your level of sympathy or feeling about Kaiser Ville Helm changed it all over the course of these episodes? I honestly, my sympathy for him went up like I knew I knew that everyone, you know, all the monarchy like that were involved in the beginning of World War One

were Dumb as rocks, you know, but dumb as a bag of dead horses, but the but the specificity of Yeah, like how how that how they even got that far is Oh, it's just sucks. It sucks. I you know, he just wanted to His mom to be in love with him. He just wanted to fuck his mom's hand and get a medal I feel for her and I feel for Germany and that yeah God that they're I'm feeling I'm not feeling as like indignant and angry as I usually am at the end of this.

I'm just feeling, I feel like a husk rubber. Yeah. But you're an absolute husk right now. I watched an interesting movie on Netflix last night called The Exception, which is based on a book called The Kaiser's Last Kiss, and it's a fictional story about a German SS officer who is the head of Ville Helm's bodyguard when Germany conquers the country where he's staying at the start of the Second World War. And it's also about this like British spy.

And the movie is more sympathetic towards Ville Helm than I think the book is. The book, the guy who wrote the book, it has a very deep knowledge of the man. So really, it's a fun, it's an interesting book that I think gives a very fair like accounting of the man's personality and doesn't make him into a demon or a good guy.

Like he's just, like one of the phrases that it says about him is that he was half genius and half child. Yeah. And says he's there's another one. We're saying, you know, sorry. Do we do we feel he was a genius in any way? Is that is that? Do we give him that? I don't, I didn't see that.

I didn't see it. Yeah. I gotta say I didn't see it. There were some parts like his, his understanding of labor rights and like the, like that sort of thing. Like he was really good about certain things Throughout his reign, but he was on the whole not a good leader, but he was um He was in like the point this guy's making is that the things about him that he wasn't smart about Let him to make a lot of his worst decisions like that mustache like I mean

mustache Yeah, and when you're full of yes men You know when you're full of yes men, you know, when you're surrounded by yes men who won't tell you your dumbest shit, you end up with that mustache and that life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of good quotes in that book.

I'm reading the book right now and it's fun. So maybe check that out if you want more Kaiserville helm in your life. Sure. But yeah, man. That's a hard, he, he, he, he, he, if you'll pardon the phrase, he drew a, a rough hand in life. Oh, don't say, don't mention hands in front of him.

He loses it. And then he played that hand for shit. Oh, God. And then he's just like shaking his operational fist at the sky. You hate to see it. He might be the worst at a job that anyone's ever been. Yeah. Yeah.

Like really, really bad. It's being the cause of- Why you shouldn't just be given the most consequential jobs. No. And not a job that should have existed? Nope. Certainly not. And you get the feeling if he'd been a ceremonial monarch like the King of England is today, he'd have been great at it.

He loved marching around and wearing uniforms. He loved outfits, as I just say. He loved outfits. He's an Instagram monarch. Yeah, he would have been very happy if he'd never had to make a real decision. If he was just posting fit checks every day, he would be happy as a little clam.

First posting about the Russian army, fine. I'm not sure. First posting about his mom. Yeah, just another pick of me and mama. Yeah, no, what a, you know, monarchist, you're idiots, you're dumb, you're on notice, see in the comment section. Yeah, we're going to really bring the monarchist listeners behind the best

right now. We're going to have this one. Folks, debate me. Yeah, it's one of those things I had this opinion before I started doing this research that kings were basically the same as dictators. Um, and I don't feel that way anymore. And part because of all this reading about how hopelessly everyone watched this guy slouch towards being in power

and couldn't stop it, which like a dictator sees his power generally. And like there's not really a question about it. Like they take the power. And even if everyone, like all of people know, they're bad at it. Like they take it. Whereas with this, everyone's like, yeah, this guy's gonna be a disaster. Too bad there's nothing to do about it, like they take the power. And even if everyone, like all of people know they're bad at it. Like they take it, whereas with this, everyone's like, yeah, this guy's

going to be a disaster. Too bad there's nothing to do about it. Right. That's the thing is, like it seems like if he had had been, if he had been given a way out where that wouldn't have resulted in a eternal shame upon him and his family, he absolutely would have taken it.

If he could still have been the Kaiser, but not have had to make, maybe, I don't know, maybe he could have been the fashion prince. He just wanted to be a fashion king. Yeah, I do think he wanted to be a military power too though. And like I don't think he wanted to in that. I don't think he was inherently a military kind of guy, but because his whole family had raised him to believe that it's shameful to be a Prussian and not be a great warrior. Yeah. Like, yeah. It's fucked, man. It's a bummer of a story.

It's definitely fucked. I hate that I feel for him, but I do. You kind of can't, it doesn't mean he didn't get millions of people killed and isn't a piece of shit. But like, it also means that like, well, fuck, you plug anybody into that job with that kind of upbringing. How does it in well? How does it, yeah, it's a, it's a, I blame society, Robert. I blame very specific assholes, not society in general. I blame a bunch of shitty people in cleaning the dorm.

I blame living a society. That's my whole point. I blame George Hiddens Peter, Queen Victoria, the Empress Augusta, and a couple of other terrible assholes. Okay. And some bad, bad doctors. I blame the doctors, oh, I blame the arm stretcher.

Whoever made the arm stretcher, they really have a lot to answer for all right It didn't work first of all and second of all it was deeply humiliating and and you can sort of trace the death of many people to the humiliation from the arm stretcher so Buy an arm stretcher by the, this podcast is supported by arm stretchers. I came on for an arm stretcher right now. Oh boy. Your child, the Prince of Prussia.

It's his arm, Gimp. Buy your arm stretcher. Stretcher, of course. Good lord. Boy, yeah, he is. You do have to, you can't really understand him unless you understand that he was also a disabled man Who was abused by a bigoted medical establishment? Right by by and there was like no option or ability for him to be accepted as as he was it's yeah

It sucks. It fucking sucks You know what doesn't suck Jamie what your pluggables that's well Wait and see no, they're great. You can follow me on Twitter at Jamie, or no, at Jamie Loftus help. You can listen to, I'm releasing a short form podcast called My Year in Mensa, that's about my horrible year in the Mensa organization.

So excited. I'm very, Robert, your voice is in it. Thank you. I was editing it in just yesterday. It comes out on Thanksgiving. It's a full-blown nightmare. I hope people listen to it. And yeah, then you can listen to the Bechtelcast

every Thursday, and those are my pluggies. Listen to the Bechtelcast. Listen to my year in Mensa, which is Jamie's year in Mensa, not my year. It's not your year, but you know, you could if you wanted to, but you know. Yeah, no, no, I could not. Find us on the internet at BehindTheBasterds.com, or we'll love all the sources for this.

Find us on Twitter and Instagram at at BastardPod, and find some room in your heart to buy a next stretching machine for the young infant child in your life today And ensure they grow up just like the Kaiser. I gotta go get a stretch in right now Right after I write my mom the scariest letter I've ever wrote in my life Everybody write your mom's about their sexy sexy hands everyone writing about their mom sexy hands No shame just don't hit send It's that simple. It's that robbery is pro-shaming people who are you for your mom's hands.

I'm a little more open-minded. That's the fucking episode. Bye. Behind the bastards is a production of Cool Zone Media. From more from Cool Zone Media, visit our website CoolzoneMedia.com or check us out on the IHART radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Tune in to the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much. Like Easy Listening, but for fiction.

If you've overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you. I'm Catherine Nicolai and I'm an architect of COSI. Come spend some time where everyone is welcome and the default is kindness. Listen, relax, enjoy. Listen to stories from the Village of Nothing Much, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you make your decision what had happened was everything said after that is Philip Buster, you just trying to stall her out to avoid the inevitable. Congress do it all the time. See you already knew. So listen to her,

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