Behind the Bastards - We Read An Unbearably Thirsty Joe Biden / Barrack Obama Mystery Novel

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

Robert is joined by Danl Goodman for a reading of fan fiction novel about Joe Biden, Barrack Obama and trains. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Alphabet Boys is a new podcast series that goes inside undercover investigations. In the first season, we're diving into an FBI investigation of the 2020 protests. It involves a cigar-smoking mystery man who drives a silver hearse. And inside his hearse look like a lot of guns. But are federal agents catching bad guys or creating them? He was just waiting for me to set the date, the time, and then for sure he was trying to get it to happen. Listen to Alphabet Boys on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if I told you that much of the forensic science you see on shows like CSI isn't based on actual science?

And the wrongly convicted pay a horrific price? Two death sentences and a life without parole. My youngest, I was incarcerated two days after her first birthday. Listen to CSI on trial on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. About a Russian astronaut who found himself stuck in space with no country to bring him down. With the Soviet Union collapsing around him, he orbited the Earth for 313 days that changed the world. Listen to the last Soviet on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Dan, what do you think about rectal polyps? How's your feeling on that thing?

How's my feeling on those? I hope you can get them treated. Or I hope one could get them treated. So you'd say you're broadly, that sounds like you're saying you're broadly anti-rectal polyp if you think they need to be treated. I'm, you know, I'm empty. If it's causing you discomfort, let me tell you something. I have a lot of friends, you know what I mean? Like, you know, I have this, you know, weird tumor on my right arm. That's about the size of a bowling ball. But that's just Jim and Jim and I are chilling. And some people are like, you should see a doctor. But like, that's Jim. So if your rectal polyps are part of your, you know, your life, if it's just, you know, your buddies, if that's, you know, Samantha and John and whomever, then that's fine.

That's how I feel about rectal polyps. That's good. So, Daniel, you know, that really shows the difference between a normal person, a normie, as we call you, and a journalist like myself. Because as a responsible journalist, I have no opinion on rectal polyps. You know, just like I have no opinion on cancer. It's my job to just say, here are things that exist. Yeah. Very good, Robert. Very good. You know, and that's the kind of journalism that we need in the world right now. Not all of this bias, not all of this, you know, so and so is evil, so and so, none of that. We need the people who are willing to say, hey, I have no opinion on cancer. That's bold, Robert, and I appreciate you. Well, Daniel, I appreciate you too. And as a result of my appreciation for you, I would like to read a book with you today over the internet.

Do you like books, Daniel? Are you literate? Can you legally read? I am literate. Do you have your reading license? Yes, I can totally read. Oh, that's good. That's good. But like if I told you I liked books, I feel like that would be more or less not fabrication, but just like an overstatement of the truth. I read, I can read, but like last time I read a full book was a few years ago. I need to change that. We'll change that today. Also, this is Behind the Bastards. Did I say that yet? Did I announce the podcast that this is? No, I just said Rector Colleges. This is Behind the Bastards. It is a show where we normally talk about the worst people in all of history. I liked Daniel's intro better. I'm really sorry. Thank you. Well, look, this is a shit show. Simply an edition. This is a shit show. There's no getting around it. We are normally a show that gives very deeply researched episodes about the worst people in all of history. But we're scrambling for content at the moment because I have made a mild career change in which I get repeatedly shot at by federal agents almost every night. And so I need some buffer episodes. Can I watch on livestream and cry? Yeah, it's a good time. It's a good time. It's a terrible time. You don't drink enough water. I know it.

I drink a lot of water. You put it in your eyeballs. That's different. We've had this conversation. The eyes are the mouth of the top of the head, Sophie. Everyone knows that. So in order to fucking... I can't even like... God love you. I realize the other night that my team and I have been going out and one of us since the beginning of this just through pure happenstance is a teenager. And we didn't think to get his contact info for his people until night 57. We were like, oh yeah, that's probably something you should do, whether or not they're a legal adult. You should probably have contacted. Anyway, it's been quite an uprising. But alright, enough uprising talk. So we're going to read a book today, Danil. Let's do it. And the book that I've picked, the book that Cody and Katie and I are reading piece by piece, making our way through, is Ben Shapiro's True Allegiance, which is just one of the worst things ever written. And obviously that's sort of a right wing fantasy of societal collapse written by an incompetent grifter. And I wanted to do some balance, right? You know, as a journalist, I'm all about balance. So I wanted to find something utterly shameful and left wing. And the thing that I've chosen, and we'll see if this winds up being a good choice or a bad choice, is Hope Never Dies, the first Obama-Biden mystery novel by Andrew Shaver. Yeah, yeah. It's a New York Times bestseller, apparently, which is a real problem. And the quote that is up on the Amazon page for the review of this book by Alexander Alter of the New York Times is, quote,

Hope Never Dies is an escapist fantasy that will likely appeal to liberals pining for the previous administration, longing for the Obama-Biden team to emerge from political retirement as action heroes. Which is the saddest thing I can imagine someone wanting. Like in this, like looking out at this world, like seeing- Wait, wait, wait, wait, have you seen Joe Biden's promo videos that he puts online? That's the description of them. Yeah, no, it is. It is a bummer. It's a bummer. It's him and Obama just like, yeah, bro, like remember the good old days, this guy, that's a summary. It's the kind of thing where it's like, I can't imagine, I can't get into the head of someone who looks at where we are right now with all of the horrific violence, particularly as people of color, you know, carried out by police, the increasing occupation of liberal cities by federal agents, the horrific virus tearing through our communities and upending life as we know it, the complete economic collapse, the children in cages on the border, all of the horrible things that this administration has done. And you realize, and I can't imagine seeing that and going, you know the guys who for whose eight years in power immediately proceeded and directly led to this nightmare and enabled it in a variety of ways? What if we went back to that? Like it's just, it's baffling to me.

Yeah, I mean, you know, the grass is always greener. Yeah. Et cetera, et cetera. We're rehumanizing George Bush. Like it's all, look, everybody is all hands off when it comes to the good old days. Everybody's drunk on member berries. Yeah. And, you know, that's how it goes. Drunk on member berries. Yeah. So I'm going to read you the summary of this book from Amazon before we get into the 305 pages of gut churning content. Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama team up in this high stakes thriller that combines a mystery worth of Watson and worthy of Watson and Holmes with the laugh out loud, romantic chemistry of lethal weapons, myrtle and rigs. You just did your Brett voice. I just, I feel ill when they compare it to lethal weapon for a variety of reasons. Oh Lord. Vice President Joe Biden is fresh out of the Obama White House and feeling adrift when his favorite railroad conductor dies in a suspicious accident. Leave me alone. His favorite railroad conductor.

See, this is good right here. This is nice. That's pretty funny actually. Oh, wow. So they're really making the center of this. The fact that Joe Biden wrote an Amtrak for quite a while. That's a that's a choice. Yeah. Okay. So apparently they uncover the sinister forces advancing America's opioid epidemic. What could those forces be but but Purdue pharmaceutical like it's not a mystery. That's easy. We know who it is. I may have the answer for you guys.

Yeah. I love it. I love it. That's my God. Good old big pharma. Wow. Okay. Tell me more Robert. Yeah. So. All right. I guess we should just we should just get into this. Hop right on in. Yeah. Let's let's let's dive in to the start of this beautiful book.

So the cover of this is like Joe Biden and Barack Obama in Joe Biden's Mustang. Joe's behind the wheel and Barack Obama is standing very awkwardly in the Mustang pointing forward. There's something about their face that's just off enough to be deeply unsettling to me. I recommend looking it up because like they're just not quite right. Biden looks like he's melting a little bit. And Barack Obama looks like they took 10 years off the top of his head but left the bottom of his head unchanged. It's very unsettling. So let's let's get into Andrew Schaefer's book.

First off it's dedicated for Uncle Joe. So that's that's good. Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe who sniffs your hair. The opening quote that that sets this up is it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness by W. L. Watkinson. Which is like I guess Andrew saying like I'm lighting a candle for the besieged American people by writing a mystery novel about a fake relationship between the president and vice president. Thank you for this candle Andrew. This is what American needed.

God bless. Oh and then the acknowledgments after that quote. He is thanks Obama. So almost the sarcastically toned thanks Obama. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's how I usually mean it. Yeah.

Amen. Oh lordy. Okay. All right. Chapter. There are 53 chapters in this mother. Well we better get started. That's not good.

So I think chapter one starts in Joe Biden's voice. The night this all started. He was in a black Irish mood and that was before I learned my friend was dead. I was sitting at my computer and I think we know that Joe Biden cannot use a computer. If anything has been made clear. No way. No way. Yeah.

That man cannot Google. He is not doing his Googles himself. Yeah. Yeah. No sir. But he's he's he's he's sitting at his computer watching one of those so called paparazzi videos. Which is apparently a wide shot of Cape Town's tabled table mountain and a parasailer sailing along.

Oh okay. He's watching a video of Barack Obama parasailing. I guess. Yeah. Unencumbered by his deadweight loser vice president. 44 was on the vacation to end all vacations. When surfing on Richard Branson's private eye. Oh I remember this when Barack Obama went on vacation while the fascists moved into the

White House and that was good. Kayaking with Justin Trudeau base jumping in Hong Kong with Bradley Cooper. Barack wasn't simply tempting the fates. He was daring them. And why not. If he could survive eight long years as the first black U.S. president he could survive anything. Not that I was worried about him.

I was done getting all worked up over Barack Obama. Is he pissed off. I think he's kind of he's kind of angry at Barack at the start of this. I was going to say he's definitely like a Joe. Maybe he's like you know Joe didn't get enough shine. Yeah. Yeah. He kept him in the dark man.

Like he's bummed out. I thought this relationship was about more than just being the president and vice president. Wild. So I forced myself to look away from the computer. I turned to face the dartboard on the back of my office. It was an old Christmas gift from my daughter. I'd kept it in storage for many years but now I finally had some free time on my hands. Maybe too much.

Yeah like you were getting up to a lot of work as the vice president Joe. Come on man. Maybe too much free time. One call I said to my faithful companion champ is that too much to ask. The dog glanced up with indifference. He'd heard it all before just so he this is Joe Biden sitting alone in his room drinking watching videos of Barack Obama on vacation and becoming increasingly better that he was not invited to go party with the former president.

That's poor Joe. Yeah. Just like staring out the window like that that mastering commander gift when Russell Crowe was just like looking out the window in the rain is just like. Yeah. Yeah he throws a dart at a magazine with Bradley Cooper and Barack Obama on the front and hits Bradley Cooper right between the eyes. So he is.

Joe's in a dark place when this starts. And a dartsman apparently. This is interesting. Barack even had the gall to tell People Magazine that we still went golfing together on occasion. To save face I repeated the lie. The truth was there hadn't been any golf outings. No late night texting not even a friendly poke on Facebook. I watched the skies for smoke signals.

I read the New York Times dissecting headlines looking for clues he might have left me. Nothing. Sometimes late at night after Jill was sound asleep I scrolled through the old text messages Barack and I had exchanged a lifetime ago. What is happening here. Oh my God. This is so weird. Yeah.

This is unsettling. So yeah Joe is like a like a spurned X at the start of this. Sounds like it. So he hears a prowler outside and he opens up his wall safe. There were two things inside my metal of freedom and my six sour pistol. The bean shooter was a gift I'd bought for myself in spite of Jill's objections. Aren't your shotguns enough. She'd asked what on earth could you need a handgun for for times like this Jill.

I'm getting some Jill Biden shape here. So he slips the pistol into the waistband of his shirt. Where's your secret service to tail Joe. I'm going to guess we're in a non secret service existing world with this. If Joe Biden has taken care of his own security with the six hours shoved into his pants. Bro I literally I want to win the lottery simply to pay Joe Biden to act out the first page or the first 10 pair whatever you have just read. I want to pay him enough money to actually act this out and get Joe Biden in it.

Yeah I have a feeling that come November he'll have a lot of free time. So you might be able to make that happen. Yes. I mean bro we're making it happen. We're making it happen. I've also planned to win the lottery around then. So that's a good plan. This is a good time to suddenly get millions of dollars.

Yeah right. Yeah. So Joe goes out into the streets to see who's here. He smells Marlboro Reds. Geez oh good lord in heaven. So he goes out to like check who's going around and he as he's like searching around he smells Marlboro Reds and he thinks don't get your hopes up. Hope is just a four letter word.

They're really making him sound like a spurned lover. I'm guessing that it's Barack Obama sneaking around the outside of his house. This has to end in sweaty sex or this book is for nothing. Yeah that's all I'm saying. My own security detail had been dismissed several weeks earlier. Vice presidents were granted six months of protection following their time in office and not a day more unless there were extenuating surrogates. I don't think that's true.

I don't think that's true at all. Are you telling me Dick Chady doesn't still have secret service cards? That doesn't seem accurate. He probably does. Yeah I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Doesn't seem right to me. Oh no there they were.

Secret service has been dismissed but then immediately afterwards he like nods to his secret service guys. I don't know I guess this is just a bad book. But they are here. So he goes off into the woods and the smell of burning tobacco gets stronger. I guess he's being led like a siren into the arms of Barack Obama who's hiding in the woods outside of his former vice president's house. Oh my god.

Yeah I swiveled around there to my left by the big oak. Tin paces away a man crouched low scratching champ behind his dog behind the ears. German shepherds don't take this to strangers but this man was no stranger. He rose to his feet a slim figure in his black hand tailored suit. His white dress shirt was unbuttoned at the neck. He took a long drag off his cigarette and exhaled smoke with leisure. Barack Obama was never in a hurry. There we go.

Oh my gosh. There we go. Never in a hurry. Yeah I love it. Yeah so that's interesting. Yeah so they meet and they have a little conversation that I'm sure is meant to be very satisfying to a certain type of liberal where they talk about Barack Obama's time parasailing and how there's a moment where Joe's like I thought you quit smoking.

He took another long drag off the cigarette. I did. Which is like I guess would work more if there was like you know if they were actually hard boiled cops or something right like that's a moment that would work but it's like the the multimillionaire former president who lives in a gigantic mansion and was just parasailing with celebrities and whose job is over and who doesn't actually have to do anything ever again but anyway I don't know. Do you know but by the way sorry to interrupt again.

Do you know how old this author is like when they wrote this book how old they were. I don't know. I don't know. I want to look up Andrew Schaefer a thing that a real journalist would have done immediately. Is it 16. It might be 16. Andrew Schaefer is an American. Okay.

Here's his Wikipedia. Born in Cedar Rapids Iowa under the pin name Fanny Merkin. He authored the 50 Shades of Gray parody 50 Shames of Earl Gray. What the fuck. His other books. I want to hit this man already. 50 Shames of Earl Gray. Yeah.

He wrote a 50 Shades of Gray parody. So this guy is I mean clearly like someone who looks out for an opportunity to write a to shit out a novel quickly that will cash in on a grift. New prediction. A thing. 14. 14 years old. Doesn't that say.

That's a great question. There's a lot of questions. So okay let's look. I'm just looking at this guy's Wikipedia. His other books include great philosophers who failed at love, literary rogues, a scandalous history of wayward authors. And he's the founder and creative director of Order of St. Nick a greeting card company. Oh he lives in fucking Portland, Oregon.

What the fuck. What? Yo go beat this guy out. I can't actually beat the shit out of this guy. All right. Okay. I may have to do that as a journalist. Oh my God.

So he's a columnist for the Huffington Post. Yo come out to the protest tonight. Hey Andrew. Can I interview you? You know. So funny. With my fists. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's got a greeting card company that's been on the Colbert report and NPR and Fox News. He also wrote a book about Sharknado. So he's he's really like, yeah, it seems like one of these guys just kind of waits for something he can write a terrible book about. Can I just say haven't seen what he looks like. Not fuckable.

Not fuckable. All right. Andrew Schaefer. I might run into him at the protests in which case I will let him know that he's unfuckable. I'll make sure to do that. Sophie. He also wrote the day of the Donald subtitled Trump Trump's America, a satirical work of

fiction. The book imagines Donald Trump winning the. Oh, no. I think he wrote this before. Wait, when did this get published? Yep, it was published June 2016. So in June of 2016, he wrote a satirical book imagining Donald Trump winning the election to become the 45th president.

No. Yeah. No. What is happening? Okay. No. The book focuses on protagonist Jimmy Burnwood, a down on his luck former tabloid reporter and his attempts to ghost write President Trump's memoir and his investigation into a

murder. Why are these all murder mysteries? Like what is what is going on with Andrew Schaefer? I don't like this person. I think I know what's going on. What's that? I said, and Sophie, you were right, by the way, extremely unfuckable. Oh, you grew them.

I haven't grew them. I don't want to see the face of this. You know who, you know, who is fuckable. Our sponsors. Our sponsors are incredibly fuckable. The most fuckable sponsors in podcasting. During the summer of 2020, some Americans suspected that the FBI had secretly infiltrated the racial justice demonstrations.

And you know what? They were right. I'm Trevor Aronson, and I'm hosting a new podcast series, Alphabet Boys. Because the FBI sometimes, you got to grab the little guy to go after the big guy. Each season will take you inside an undercover investigation. In the first season of Alphabet Boys, we're revealing how the FBI spied on protesters in Denver. At the center of this story is a raspy-voiced, cigar-smoking man who drives a silver hearse.

And inside this hearse was like a lot of guns. He's a shark. And on the good-bad-ass way. And nasty sharks. He was just waiting for me to set the date, the time, and then for sure he was trying to get it to happen. Listen to Alphabet Boys on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if I told you that much of the forensic science you see on shows like CSI isn't based on actual science? The problem with forensic science in the criminal legal system today is that it's an awful lot of forensic and not an awful lot of science. And the wrongly convicted pay a horrific price. Two death sentences and a life without parole. My youngest, I was incarcerated two days after her first birthday. I'm Molly Herman.

Join me as we put forensic science on trial to discover what happens when a match isn't a match and when there's no science in CSI. How many people have to be wrongly convicted before they realize that this stuff's all bogus? It's all made up. Listen to CSI on trial on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lance Bass, and you may know me from a little band called NSYNC. What you may not know is that when I was 23, I traveled to Moscow to train to become the

youngest person to go to space. And when I was there, as you can imagine, I heard some pretty wild stories. But there was this one that really stuck with me about a Soviet astronaut who found himself stuck in space with no country to bring him down. It's 1991 and that man, Sergei Krekalev, is floating in orbit when he gets a message that down on Earth, his beloved country, the Soviet Union, is falling apart. And now he's left defending the Union's last outpost. This is the crazy story of the 313 days he spent in space.

313 days that changed the world. Listen to the last Soviet on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back and we're just thinking about the thrusting, girdle-some might of our sponsors. And we're also thinking about Andrew Schaefer, who it seems like his whole life is about kind of just keeping an eye out for something to be real viral and then shooting out a very quickly written book to cash in on it and generally doing it from kind of a milk toast liberal perspective. So that seems like this guy's whole life and career, which is good, I guess. A good thing to do.

Yeah, you know what, go for it, fam. Yeah. Go off. Yeah. So here we go. We're back. Joe Biden and Barack are meeting up again for the first time in a long time. And Barack Obama, the former president, without his secret service detail in tow, infiltrates

Joe Biden's home, I guess, his compound to tell him that an Amtrak conductor, Finn Donnelly, that Joe Biden knew, has been hit by a train and killed. That's Barack Obama's business at the Biden household. Okay. Yeah. Also, Biden immediately recognizes the name of this conductor because he's the finest one I know. So that's interesting.

The finest one, the finest, only the finest conductors. Yeah. Yeah. Someone has killed the very best Amtrak conductor, which is, which is a shame. So Barack Obama felt like this was important enough. Yeah. I had a hunch you knew him. I wanted to tell you myself before you heard it from somewhere else.

So Barack didn't even know that Joe knew this guy. He just heard an Amtrak conductor died. And he was like, I have to infiltrate, break into Joe Biden's property to let him know in the off chance that he knew this guy as well. And of course he did. Yeah. Of course he did. Of course.

So that's fun. Of course. So they go on talking about how this Amtrak conductor died, yada, yada, yada. They also have a heartfelt conversation. It seems like about the fact that Barack Obama hasn't called Joe in a while, really making Joe out to be kind of a spurned lover in this, which I guess is an editorial choice. Like I'll say this for the book. It's better written than Ben Shapiro's True Allegiance.

Like it's a functionally written novel. Like Andrew Shaper knows how to write in the same way that like, you know, somebody can know how to drive. He doesn't crash the car, right? Sure. That's, that's a thing I'll say for Andrew Shaper. Sure. Yeah.

Some baffling choices. So the, the, they finished their conversation and Barack Obama like disappears into the shadows like Batman. So I think we're making Barack out to be basically Batman here, which is again, really a fascinating series of choices. And I think it might just be that Andrew Shaper doesn't really know how to write anything besides mystery novels. And so that's just kind of, kind of what he goes for.

Right. All right. So our next chapter, it's, it's good God. There's a lot of this. He might also know how to write romance novels. So I'm going to read you the start of chapter three. Yes. Didn't hear you come to bed last night, Jill said.

I stumbled into the kitchen around half past nine, weary from a night of bad sleep. My mind had been on fire with questions about Finn Donnelly. Every time I finally started to drift off, some little noise outside would startle me awake several times. I wondered if I hadn't dreamed my entire counter with Barack Obama, the lingering scent of tobacco in my hair said otherwise. Oh my gosh. The horny levels are off the charts.

This is a very horny novel between the vice president. So horny. I maintain if this isn't ending in hot, sweaty sex, it is for nothing. Yeah, I don't, I don't know that, that Andrew Schaefer realizes how horny he's being. I mean, because he's not. Yeah, it is satire, but his, his history of novels makes me think that he has never for a second understood what satire is. It's also impossible to do post 2016.

So I don't know. I shouldn't be too hard on him, I guess. Joe Biden goes from like noticing that her husband is having an affair with the former president to asking if he's thought more about getting a CPAP machine. And then we have a couple of paragraphs about Joe Biden's sleep apnea. Why is this, why are you putting this in? Great. I mean, great.

Get after it. That's, that's very funny. Yeah. So Joe, Joe reads the Amtrak conductor. This is a really big story, I guess, that an Amtrak conductor has been killed. It's all over the news now and it's all that Joe Biden can think about. Okay. As again, a fascist takes over the instruments of state.

It's weird also that they're making the focus of this novel, the murder of an Amtrak conductor, and I guess, opiates where it's like, I mean, if you're going to go with this premise, there's other things happening, right? Right. To be honest with you, this feels like the kind of thing where like he wrote it because he knew that Joe Biden, after hearing an Amtrak conductor was murdered, would say something and be like, well, such a noble profession. Yeah.

We can't let our Amtrak drivers be murdered. And he would read that book from cover to cover. Yeah. I think he might. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. It's weird because it's clearly like, I don't understand seeing this as a fantasy, right? Like, I don't understand who could like get into this book and be comforted by like, ah,

yes, I remember when Barack Obama and Joe Biden were presidents were in charge and I enjoy imagining that they had a weird quasi-sexual relationship and solved murder mysteries when Amtrak conductors were killed. Like, I can't get my head into that person's brain. I don't know. Yeah. But you know what? I'm here for the ride.

Let me tell you what. I'm not really here for the ride, Daniel. Like, it's not for me per se, but. Yeah. I mean, I'm hoping I'm here for the ride as one of the closing lines of the book as. So, Daniel just wants this book to become wildly fuckable. I'm shipping it. That's what's happening.

Look, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. If you want to get a riveting novel here between these two, they better be fucking. That's where I'm at. All right, Daniel. Wait. That's awesome. Are you team Edward?

That's awesome. I'm saying that. Are you team Edward or are you team Jacob? I have no opinion. I have no opinion. I have no opinion. None of that happens anymore. I'm team.

I don't need to bring that back. I'm team. I'm team. Oh, Biden. Oh, Obama. Biden, Obama. You know, I'm here for the ride. Are you team dry scabs or wet scabs?

Wet scabs. Okay. We're all team wet scabs now. Okay, good. Hi, Jamie. So fucking Biden meets up with his contact in the police department who tells him that they found heroin in the pockets of the Amtrak conductor. And Joe Biden is incensed by this because he knows he knows this Amtrak conductor and

he knows that this Amtrak conductor is a teetotaler. Same as me. Something wasn't right. Martin Luther King Jr. said the moral arc of the universe was long and bent towards the sides of justice. By the time the universe got to righting the wrongs in Wilmington, however, I feared that it would be too late, not just to forfinner the city, but for us all. Like what the, how is, how is, how would this ever be your priority, Joe?

I don't know. So this is like the most important thing in the world to Joe Biden right now. And it like, it is apparently it's, it's a, it's very much kind of in line with this specific type of, of kind of liberal person that they, when they imagine a thing for their fantasy, Joe Biden and Barack Obama to solve, like they don't even consider going into the very real problems that are happening as a result of these fascists kind of taking over office. They don't, they don't deal with any of like these actual massive issues.

They decide like, okay, well let's make up the murder of an Amtrak conductor and awkwardly tie it to opiates. Boom. Boom. Like that, that, like, and, and, and let's frame it as if it's like a massive issue of national importance, even though it's definitely not again, there's kids in cages. But okay, we'll, we'll worry about the Amtrak conductor. Yeah, exactly.

Truly. Yeah. So the next chapter is Joe meeting Finn's wife, who's got a stroke had it, who has a stroke and is disabled. He really knows a lot about this Amtrak conductor. Joe clearly spent an enormous amount of time talking to the conductor of his Amtrak train. Yeah. That's really funny.

Yeah. I love, I love that world. Yeah. Joe's just down at the train station with his little hat on, blowing that little wooden whistle. You're like, you guys heard this one? Joe, we heard that one a million times. I love you.

You heard this one? You heard the. Joe down at the station. Daniel might be the most precious human on earth. Okay. All right. That was so precious. Thank you.

Can you make the train noise again? So Joe goes to this guy's funeral in chapter six. God, I, this is not my favorite book ever. Yeah. He goes to the Amtrak dude's funeral. He takes a seat in the back row because this isn't about for Vice President Joe Biden. It's about Finn. Of course.

The dead man. His name is Finn. Yeah. All right. Great. God. Just a big, a lot of time spent discussing the funeral of this Amtrak conductor. Is Obama like a football field away, smoking a cigarette, leaning on a tree, dressed for

the funeral, but wearing sunglasses, leaning on it. And then Joe Biden comes up later and is like, what are you doing here? Yeah. Something along those lines. I don't know. I haven't seen Obama yet. Like he hasn't come back into the story. What?

How is he not there, a football field away, leaning on a tree, dressed for the funeral, smoking a cigarette? There's a lot of Joe Biden and other political figures talking to the family members of this deceased Amtrak conductor. They're really, they're really leaning a heart on a dead Amtrak conductor as the, the cheat is. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Hell yeah. That's an interesting, authorial choice by Andrew Shaver here. Good Lord. Okay. Yep. In this chapter, he's just doing more, this is just really a detective novel. This is just a detective novel with a weird erotic relationship between Barack Obama and Joe Biden that seems to be barely getting any play at this point, to be honest.

That's unsettling. So Joe Biden winds up out in the streets, like, like doing some gum shoe, the detective-ing, trying to like figure out this murder. I crouched low and ducked back through the hole in the fence, bracing for the back strain again. Instead, there was a sharp pop in my lefty. So we're doing a lot of, Joe Biden's also an old man. My leg buckled out from under me and I went down hard, landing on my side.

The train zipped past with a high-pitched wine. The ground rumbled for two seconds, jostling every molecule in my body right down to the silver fillings in my molars, and then all was still again. I rolled onto my back and clutched my knee. In high school, I'd been a standout football player. I didn't have the arm strength to be a quarterback or the long fingers to be a wide receiver, but I had to get away sticks. I could tuck the ball and run.

Senior year, I was the leading scorer. Senior year, I'd also banged up my left knee. Since then, it had been known to act up on occasion, and I'd always been able to grip my teeth and bear it. This was the first time it had completely given up on me. If you can't trust your own body, who can you trust? I didn't know what I was doing out here. Sailing around a crime scene.

As head of the executive branch, Barack held the top law enforcement position in the country. I'd been his right-hand man. That didn't amount to a hill of beans when it came to actual police work. It was like asking Santa Claus to make you a toy train. It was a job best suited for his elves. The fat man in the red suit didn't know the first thing about sanding down wooden toys for good little girls and boys. I had no business here.

That's a weird set of thoughts to have. What is, yeah, how does that all happen at, oh, jeez Louise. It's like, yes, Andrew Schaefer, the central conceit of your knowledge that Joe Biden and Barack Obama are solving the mystery of a murder of a train conductor is pretty absurd on its face, but okay. What would Barack say if he saw me out here, rolling around like a turtle on my back? We hadn't talked since his visit two nights ago. As far as I was concerned, nothing between us had changed.

Yes, he'd kept his word and put the scare into the police department. The lurid details as they were hadn't hit the papers. For that, I was grateful, but there was still too much unspoken between us. I wasn't about to send another errant text through the airwaves and see if I'd get a response. I was through being made to be the fool. This is so far my favorite part of the novel, like the clearly jilted lover plotline going on here.

Yeah, seriously. Like the fact that Joe is deeply incensed that Barack Obama doesn't call, which is probably true about the real Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Because it took probably Barack a long time to say that people should vote for Joe. I mean, you know, you know, an appropriately long time. The is burning going to pull it out amount of time. Oh boy. Next chapter, Wilmington station's official name is the Joseph R. Biden Jr. Railroad

station. Although nobody uses it. Oh my God. Everyone so calls it the Wilmington station. Why is this just trains? There's so, yeah, this is all about trains so far. Every chapter is deeply train focused. It's like those three things about Joe Biden.

That's it. And one of them is trains and the second thing is also trains and the third thing is rock. Yeah. I think he he scanned Joe Biden's Wikipedia page and he was like, OK, he read the he wrote the Amtrak a lot. Let's make this entire book focused on the Amtrak. I mean, yeah, dude, trains, baby, trains, baby. Oh boy.

We do get a little bit of a talk about an aquatic center, which is interesting given the what was his name, Jesus, a million years ago when Joe Biden told a story about the black man he got into a fight with at the swimming pool. Oh, corn pop. Corn pop. God, remember corn pop? Remember when that happened? Boy, do I.

I love I love being able to think about corn pop without having to think about literally everything else at the same time. Yeah. Remember a thousand years ago when corn pop happened before times and the before times. Yeah. Before times and the long, long ago and the long, long ago. There we go. The thing is, it wasn't the only place in town bearing my name.

The city also renamed a public pool after me, the Joseph R. Biden, Jr. Aquatic Center to enter the corner of East 23rd and North Locust. It's a pretty poor neighborhood. I'd worked as a lifeguard at the pool while putting myself through college. The other lifeguards would ask me questions about race relations because I was the only white guy many of them knew. We learned a lot from one another. One black lifeguard asked if I had a gasoline can he could borrow.

He wanted to see his grandmom in North Carolina. We can't stop at most gas stations down there. He'd said, wow, yeah, the pool was where my commitment to civil rights began. Oh boy. I would have felt better if they'd renamed the pool after Martin Luther King, Jr. or a local black politician, but the neighborhood appreciated that I'd never turned my back on them. I'd never turned my back on anyone.

It just wasn't something a Biden did. God. Hell yeah, dog. I can imagine all those black lifeguards asking young Joe Biden about race relations. That sounds like a thing that occurred 100% classic Joe. Yeah. He knows it all. Yeah.

He is the streets. Joe is the streets. Yeah. That's what I'm getting from this book. Well, he's the streets if they're around a train station, correct? Because Joe Biden is mentally incapable of thinking about anything that isn't a train station or his unrequited lust for Barack Obama. Yes.

Shipping, processing, Joe Biden. Yeah. Love it. Oh, good God. Love it. Boy, howdy. We still aren't getting back into Barack Obama being... Oh, nope. Here we go.

Okay. The end of this chapter, we get back to Barack Obama. So Joe Biden, after doing some more gum shooing, calls an Uber and a black Cadillac Escalade pulls up to pick him up and, oh God, okay, a black Cadillac Escalade pulled up to the curb in front of me. The truck size SUV sat there idling. Was my ride early? Yes.

If there was an Uber sign on the dash, I had no way of knowing. I couldn't see anything through the heavily tinted windows. Suppose this wasn't my ride. Suppose it was some enemy of the state, some deranged lunatic fixated on a former vice president. Suppose Finn wasn't the one who'd left the print out of my address behind on the train. My heart rate began to ratchet up. I had no secret service protection anymore.

No private security. I didn't even have my pistol because who brings a gun to a funeral? The vehicle just sat there, towering over me. There was nothing stopping a passenger from rolling down one of the windows and poking me full of holes. It was a sitting duck with no wings to carry me away. I inhaled sharply and squeezed the bouquet tight. Water dripped out of the bottom onto the cement.

The tinted black window lowered. Need a lift? Barack Obama asked. Woo! Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Wow. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Next chapter now. The escalate eased into traffic. I stared at the flowers in my hand, which I think were for Jill. They looked like regular white flowers. They had some red roses, but they were three times the price. Barack made a little finger gun and pointed it at me. That's why they're more romantic. I sighed.

Barack was right. He was always right. Anyway, I was headed home. He was always right! Oh, God. Anyway, Joe says, I was headed home and he padded me on my knee. The good one will drop you off, he said. The good one. The good one. I love it. I love it.

Yeah. I'm elated right now. This is good. This is great. This is top shelf. Really top shelf. I want this to be optioned into a movie. Into an erotic thriller.

Yes, someone paid them enough money that they want to do this. And then we'll advertise that movie on our show like we advertise the sponsors that Robert's about to shout out right now because it's time for, I guess, what? An ad break. An ad break? Yes. You know what will fuck Barack Obama? I mean, you know what? Sexually.

What? Is product. Wow. During the summer of 2020, some Americans suspected that the FBI had secretly infiltrated the racial justice demonstrations. And you know what? They were right. I'm Trevor Aronson and I'm hosting a new podcast series, Alphabet Boys. As the FBI, sometimes you got to grab the little guy to go after the big guy.

Each season will take you inside an undercover investigation. In the first season of Alphabet Boys, we're revealing how the FBI spied on protesters in Denver. At the center of this story is a raspy voiced, cigar-smoking man who drives a silver hearse. And inside his hearse was like a lot of guns. He's a shark. In the good and bad ass way. And nasty sharks. He was just waiting for me to set the date, the time, and then for sure he was trying to get it to heaven.

Listen to Alphabet Boys on the iHeart Radio App, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if I told you that much of the forensic science you see on shows like CSI isn't based on actual science? The problem with forensic science in the criminal legal system today is that it's an awful lot of forensic and not an awful lot of science. And the wrongly convicted pay a horrific price. Two death sentences and a life without parole. My youngest, I was incarcerated two days after her first birthday. I'm Molly Herman. Join me as we put forensic science on trial to discover what happens when a match isn't a match.

And when there's no science in CSI. How many people have to be wrongly convicted before they realize that this stuff's all bogus. It's all made up. Listen to CSI on trial on the iHeart Radio App, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lance Bass, and you may know me from a little band called NSYNC. What you may not know is that when I was 23, I traveled to Moscow to train to become the youngest person to go to space. And when I was there, as you can imagine, I heard some pretty wild stories. But there was this one that really stuck with me about a Soviet astronaut who found himself stuck in space with no country to bring him down.

It's 1991, and that man, Sergei Krekalev, is floating in orbit when he gets a message that down on Earth, his beloved country, the Soviet Union, is falling apart. And now he's left defending the Union's last outpost. This is the crazy story of the 313 days he spent in space. 313 days that changed the world. Listen to The Last Soviet on the iHeart Radio App, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. And boy howdy, we are just powerfully aroused at the pulsating escalations of romantic tension between Barack Obama and Joseph Robinette Biden. Which I, for one, don't find shameful and awkward at all.

Jesus Christ. I leaned back in the seat. Barack stared at me for a bit. You look like you've been playing football, he said. My shoes were shined, but the rest of my suit was filthy. I tripped. It's nothing really. Hmm, Barack said. The President was always saying stuff like that to me. Hrmph.

And hrmph. Occasionally a hrrmph. Even after working together for eight years, I hadn't decoded the meaning behind them. Sometimes a fortress. And other times a glass case of emotion, as Will Ferrell would say. What the fuck? Wow. Hrmph.

God damn it. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Just make references to pop culture in the middle of your story. Yeah. Just do it. Add nothing to it.

That's the best part. That's the best part. Yeah. When you talk about Anchorman. So they talk about Barack Obama's special escalade, which for some baffling reason, he'd had imported from Afghanistan. Like he had an armored escalade imported from Afghanistan. What? Even though they're never, they're not made in Afghanistan.

They're shipped there. But like whatever. No. Yeah. That's a weird call. Cool. Yeah. But they have their own armored escalade.

That's great. Very cool. I love that even with everything we know about how much money we spend on the military, everything that's supposed to be like fancy and tech has to come from somewhere else. It's like shipped him from Russia, shipped him from Saudi Arabia. It's like, it's obviously made by DARPA right here with some crazy other stuff on it. It's just like, it's right there in Wisconsin. You don't need to go all the way out there. And there's a weird attempt to like make Barack seem less rich than he is because it's like when his wife, Biden notes like when his wife saw how much the armored escalated costs.

Like she told me better have another book idea or two. And it's like, they've got hundreds of millions of dollars. An armored escalade is like maybe a million bucks or so, right? Maybe like two if we assume he's getting one of the really good ones. Like it's fucking pennies for a guy like Barack Obama. Like he can have as many armored escalades as he wants to have. He can buy tanks. Especially the Barack Obama in this story.

Everything is pennies for the Barack Obama in this story. Yes. Yes. Undoubtedly. Yeah. Okay. So I don't know. This seems like it's going to be a pretty standard mystery adventure that focuses weirdly on an Amtrak train.

I don't know what to say about that. Daniel, do you have anything you want us to search for in this as we kind of like, like it's very clear what this is, right? Like this is a normal. This is not. I mean, like, look. Yeah. Robert, you know what I'm looking for. Is it fucking search sex?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Because if Mr. Schaefer here is anything like he's saying, the word sex might not even come up. There's only one use of the word sex. Yeah. Oh, there you go. So it's going to be something along the lines of just like, like the word touch sweats. Oh yeah.

I'm thinking something like something like strength or like. like caress or like I just know I just know that there's some that there's some there's something in here or if or if the phrase I'm along for the ride comes back up again yeah that's all you know what one thing that I'm coming I'm also prepared to be wrong as I look for sweat so there's there's a lot of weird talk about Joe Biden's guns like it makes a big point about the fact like Joe Biden did one of the things he did when he and Brock were running is he like to try to like make a ploy for getting the the kind of liberal gun

owner vote behind him is he like post he like made a big fact point of the fact that he owned a couple of shotguns for like skeet shooting and stuff right which I don't know like I don't think got them a single vote because anyone who's actually like into gun ownership just doesn't just own a double-barreled shotgun or whatever like that's just kind of like the thing Democrats do when they're trying to seem briefly relatable to rural folk but this book makes a big point of the fact that Joe Biden is a is a gun owner and also has a sick sour so this is from like 30% of the way through the book Barack and Joe are are

getting into a tough scrape of a situation they're parking in like a garage and going into like investigate some some unsettling people and here here's the here I'm just gonna start reading from the end of the chapter Brock stare to me did you tell Jill you were going out with me it's none of her business who I go out with I'm in the 7th decade of my life I can do whatever I want no one's the boss of me I used to be your boss the American people were our boss I told him but things have changed he shook his head and wiped a bead of sweat from his brow did you bring that heater you were packing the other night

talking about Joe's handgun I felt a twinge of embarrassment of course Barack knew I was a gun owner I talked about my shotguns enough that he could probably tell you the make-and-model but he wasn't talking about my shotguns they but there have been reports of prowlers I said you can't be too careful you're right about that a lot going on in this world even when it comes to the friendly faces it's hard to tell who to trust these days he paused so you're bringing it I'm not bringing it he looked me steady in the eye as if he was trying to assess whether I was lying or not finally satisfy okay so Barack Obama

doesn't want Joe bringing bringing the gun on their investigation that's weird okay whatever yeah I don't know it's a weird book Daniel I don't it seemed I mean it seems weird and unfortunately it doesn't seem like it ends with what the clear ending should be at least in my eyes it's fucking or parasailing I mean both no but the the fucking we'll just go we'll go straight with the fucking no I mean and and I don't blame him you know this isn't a slash fic as it were it's you know this is a you know and he does not advertise as a romance novel like I get it so you know maybe my my hopes were too high and if I really want that I

know several websites I can go find that out so you know that's how it goes I suppose oh really cool cool cool thanks down okay yeah so last chapter chapter 50 fucking three wait yeah 53 chapters in this fucking monstrosity very very unfortunate so it ends with last chapter can we just do some like word searches just really yeah I mean yeah if you anyone has a word search thing but like the end of this it ends with so it seems like what I'm gathering from last chapter is that it wound up being that like this thin guy was blew the the whistle on a drug smuggling operation from some gang

called the marauders I don't know if there was apparently an undercover DEA agent that comes into this at some point so they solve the mystery and and stop the smuggling of a bunch of opiates into the country and nobody finds out that Barack Obama or Joe Biden were involved at some point Joe Biden destroys his knee because the last chapter opens with him talking about how they'd had to reconstruct his his shattered knee and gave him a prescription for ibuprofen since you know he can't take opiates at the end of this because it seems like that's the thing they're fighting here so this whole book is about a 1.4

million dollar fentanyl bust which is like nothing which is like nothing would you even notice it if somebody if there was like oh there is a million dollar fentanyl bust it's like fuck fuck that like nobody cares about a million dollar fentanyl bust in 2020 like that's also not that much fentanyl I feel like I don't know it's not a whole lot of fentanyl these days but it just doesn't feel like a whole lot if you've got fentanyl this isn't much fentanyl yeah no it's not but I mean I'm proud of them regardless but yeah it's not that's not a lot of fam that's not a lot of fam yeah that's not a lot of fentanyl okay so just back

on the Amtrak yada yada yada but Barack had once told me that at the end of the day every one of us is just part of a long-running story all we can try to do is get our paragraph right whether I would make another run at the highest office in the land was still up in the air I learned long ago never to say never fate is a strange way of intervening all I knew for sure is that I wasn't done writing my paragraph yet that's great Joe amazing okay well this seems like a pretty lame book I'm gonna be honest with you Daniel that's okay you know what we we we we learned a little bit

about mr. Schaefer oh also I took the liberty of going to his bio on his website on Andrew Schaefer.com oh yeah just to pull just a pull a couple quick quotes that he has listed here about his own work just just because like you know my favorite one here and I think it kind of gives us a little bit of a taste of the kind of author mr. Schaefer is if you haven't read his entire book this is from the Hollywood Reporter on his 50 shames of Earl Gray quote the literary equivalent of a good Saturday night live skit so that's that's that's good so entertainment weekly on how to survive a

sharknado says every bit as amusing and straight faced as the film franchise that spawned it oh great also very telling wow and then and then of course at the bottom Stephen Colbert just un-American which you know he's clearly accepting the dig at himself and being like ha ha oh wait oh wait I forgot my favorite one my favorite one my favorite one okay you ready yeah quote funny everyone should follow this guy on Twitter from Nicholas Sparks that's one of his quotes man funny should follow this guy on Twitter said Nicholas Sparks fantastic oh my god okay well that's yep just can you search

how many times the word train is in the book yes I will I will do that I want to first though read so we have we have at the end here we get like a real real emotional conversation between Joe and Barack and I'm guessing this is emotionally what everything's building for well actually there's a lot interesting here I grinned Barack was the most competitive person I'd ever known it drove him up a wall when somebody suggested playing a game just for fun they're playing cards if there wasn't a clear winner and loser he tended to lose interest he lived for elections he withered in office I handed

him the deck you shuffle this time the most important people in my life have always been women Barack said dealing the cards my grandmother my mother Michelle my daughters not saying I haven't had male friends because I have guys I play ball with guys I have beers with but with you it's different once we figured each other out it was like our friendship was on autopilot it was so easy for so long that once we left office I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to just text another guy without inviting him over to shoot hoops I didn't know what to call you just to talk even though that's why what I wanted what I wanted

to do I didn't know and I'm sorry Joe I looked at the cards he dealt me it was a crap hand I'm sorry too I said you didn't do anything jealousy is an ugly sin you're allowed to have other friends I drew a new card as long as I'm your best friend aren't we too old to have best friends maybe he was right maybe I was being silly I'm too old to be jumping out of airplanes I'm I guess they must have jumped out of an airplane at some point in the book I told him I think it'd be nice to just go golfing sometimes you said something just a minute ago Barack remarked you called us brothers again I didn't mean anything by

it I said Barack wasn't having in having any of it don't be bashful Joe as far as I'm concerned we never stopped being brothers he said holding out a fist I punched him with too much force but it was the best fist bump we'd ever had watch the knuckles there Joe he said shaking out his hand wow Barack Obama watch the knuckles there Joe watch the knuckles Joe oh no this gets wow very clearly sexual say I've got another light bulb that needs to be changed in the upstairs bathroom I'm in no shape to stand on a chair right now and you're putting me to work he asked you're taller you've got longer arms I'll do it

he said rising from the couch thanks I said bulbs on the counter Barack mounted the stairs a few seconds later he called out to me Joe yeah I shouted what is your dartboard have Bradley Cooper's pictures on it it's not important I said not anymore god damn it that's weird what that's so weird wait what did I forgot the word mounts that was in the beginning of the book Joe Biden was jealous that Bradley Cooper was hanging out with Barack Obama and Barack was not calling him so he was he had like pictures of Bradley Cooper from a magazine that he was throwing darts at because this book is profoundly horny

and strange so weird it's like he had just seen a star is born and was like I'm gonna add some Bradley Cooper to this Sophie there are 103 matches for the word train this this book is very train focused okay what about railroad like I'm just how many train train adjacent words are there just 12 uses of the word railroad but let's see Amtrak 35 uses of Amtrak so Jesus Christ wow and a lot of uses of Amtrak Joe Amtrak Joe yeah that's tight because again all Andrew Schaefer knew about Biden is that he rode the train and I presumably had a bad knee how many times how many times is is there a verbiage like woman or she or

girl or lady or any of that nature or is it well this is about the lust between two men Sophie so I don't think we need to be getting you know getting the ladies involved here only five uses of the word women Jill Biden that sounds about right to be an after effect who is is willing to let her husband one use of the word lady I think Jill in this is pretty understanding of the fact that her husband just needs to fly free 11 times this isn't this is about the manly love you're totally right it's also about trains it's about the mainly love between a president and his vice president and also trains I mean you

know can you make that train sound effect again dental that was my favorite part of the episode thanks I missed those things I'm just gonna throw that out there I want a woodblock train thing I missed those I have to go down to my local railroad and tell them that I am a small child and they shall say but sir you have a beard and are of height I say but I am still a small child give me a who-who machine they'll say we don't know what that is can I order one on the internet Robert where do I do I get a train okay let's see here wooden train not set whistle boom well oh baby I can get them on discount mugs.com

there you go well I am returning this book because it's horrible yeah yeah get that shit out of here sorry quality issues is the reason so Daniel yes I don't know that we learned much today I learned no we didn't we didn't but we read pieces of a really a really shamefully bad book and that's as good as learning something I think I think we'll be we learned a thing or two we learned that Andrew Schaefer is as funny as a good SNL skit yeah which is by the way just for reference is no SNL skit is so bad as to be completely unwatchable and toxic to the human soul the good SNL skits died out years ago

yeah Daniel is there anything that you would like to plug plug plug plug plug sure yeah I I mean you can follow me on Twitter at DJ underscore Daniel D.A. and L I stream on twitch at the same thing twitch.tv slash DJ underscore D.A. and L I work on a bunch of shows I work on one show with these two lovely people called worst year ever please download it and listen right here on the I heart radio network I work on fake doctors real friends which is the scrubs rewatch podcast with Zach Braff and Donald Faizon listen to it it's a lot of fun and very funny and sometimes I get to speak on that and talk about video games work

on the daily zeitgeist listen to the daily zeitgeist a daily news show here on this very network and I work on all-sphere a podcast about the evolution of disillusion starring Laura Wasser and produced by Johnny Reigns and Robert Sophie thank you both so much for having me Robert I'm glad to see you're well I love you both thank you Daniel for helping me ear fuck this book about Barack Obama and Joe Biden's lust and also lust for trains oh my gosh this book is baffling to me like it's it is pretty bad I mean it's I just I just can't believe that the person who wrote it was over the age of 16 but I mean that's how

it goes that's how it goes mmm that's just the way it goes some things will never change that Joe Biden and Barack Obama getting fucked by each other I guess you didn't get that reference that I just did weird I got you can follow Robert at I write okay on Twitter you can follow this podcast on Twitter and Instagram that's a lot of work he's doing is really important and terrifying that's what's happening in Portland it's fine sometimes what it's nothing to it's sometimes federal agents shoot at people that's no train mystery come on guys focus on what matters pseudo mom it's terrifying to watch you get

hurt and not drink enough water you can follow this podcast at bastards pod on Twitter and Instagram we have a tea public store with really cool merch and that's the way it goes that's the cookie and it's crumbled that's the way the Raytheon knife missile strikes a vehicle driven by a suspected insurgent leader hell yeah yeah bye alphabet boys is a new podcast series that goes inside undercover investigations in the first season we're diving into an FBI investigation of the

2020 protests it involves a cigar smoking mystery man who drives a silver hearse and inside his hearse was like a lot of goods but our federal agents catching bad guys or creating them he was just waiting for me to set the date the time and then for sure he was trying to get it to happen listen to alphabet boys on the iHeart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get a podcast what if I told you that much of the forensic science you see on shows like CSI isn't based on actual science and the wrongly convicted pay a horrific price to death sentences in a life without parole my youngest I was

incarcerated two days after her first birthday listen to CSI on trial on the iHeart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts did you know Lance Bass is a Russian trained astronaut that he went through training in a secret facility outside Moscow hoping to become the youngest person to go to space well I ought to know because I'm Lance Bass and I'm hosting a new podcast that tells my crazy story and an even crazier story about a Russian astronaut who found himself stuck in space with no country to bring him down with the Soviet Union collapsing around him he orbited the earth for 313 days

that changed the world listen to the last Soviet on the iHeart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts