Bein' Ian With Jordan - $100 A Sniff W/Kim Congdon | Bein' Ian with Jordan #197

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

Comedian Kim Congdon drops into the den to talk Cats vs Dogs, Boys vs Girls, & OF vs Patreon. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreo...n.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -For a limited time, Bein' Ian fans get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, & 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://mengotomars.com/ -Get 10 free meals + a free Nutribullet Ultra Plus+ 2-in-1 Compact Kitchen System on your 3rd box at http://HelloFresh.com/ska10FM Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Follow Kim! https://instagram.com/kimcongdon Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Guess what? Lucky you. Enjoy all the benefits on Patreon. Now on Punchup. Punchup.L. Live slash B&Ean with Jordan. Get tickets and content in the same place on Punchup. Yeah. Punch up. Telling jokes and having smokes.
Starting point is 00:00:20 Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. So I'll ride when you're being in. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive.
Starting point is 00:00:50 Being Ian with Jordan. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another Barnburner episode of Be and Ian with Jordan. I'm holding it down solo today. And I couldn't be more excited that this guest is. is stretched legs akimbo on the couch. We are going to sell sniffs to the seat to Patreon members only. Patreon.com slash be a and E.
Starting point is 00:01:18 And pod. $5 a sniff. Tomorrow the price goes up. Five a sniff. The long of the smell dissipates, the more expensive it is. Four sniffs for $15. We're doing deals today. People come get your sniffs.
Starting point is 00:01:31 It doesn't last long. 15 sniffs for $4. We don't know how it works. We're just trying to make it work. Dude, I sort of got one Skang Fest. I sold sniffs up. You know, I wore those. That one.
Starting point is 00:01:41 Did you sell your socks? Yeah, I sold my socks. And that same year I was wearing those disgusting house shoes for like three days. Remember I wore house slippers and like my feet had like the fuzz in them. I was selling sniffs for a dollar. And one dude came up and gave me 100 for a sniff and walked away. And my friend Hormos is like, he's going to come back and redeem those sniffs all weekend. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:02:02 I believe you owe me 95 more sniffs, me lady. I'm just following me everywhere. Dude, can I tell you. I'm owed 40 sniffs. You're Kim Congdon on the pod, everybody. You're one of my most favorite people to hang out with its skank fest. Me too. Until you ingest too many drugs and then I worry about your well-being.
Starting point is 00:02:21 You're my favorite friend to hang out with until it's too much and we have to worry. What are you worried about? Didn't you fall and hit your head this year? Didn't you lay down on the stage last year? Or no, this year, too. Yeah. I did. I got concussed every year since I've started. It's Kingfuss.
Starting point is 00:02:41 I have had a concussion almost every year since I've started. Every year. Dude, the first two days, we are thick as thieves. And then by the end, it is, did you hear Kim put her mattress on the roof? And now she thinks she can fly? And you're like, I'm going to go. You know, and every year I go, I'm not going to do it too hard with the drugs because I get a little crazy. Yeah, by the end of the weekend, you're sweating and you lose your Puerto Rican color.
Starting point is 00:03:06 Yeah, I'm green. I'm sweating. I'm concussed. My eyes are like at different sides of my head. Yeah. You no longer look like a performer, Skangfest. You look like a ticket buyer. I've joined.
Starting point is 00:03:17 I'm in the naked rose suddenly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not a naked rose. You're just walking around naked. I'm naked. Everyone's clothes. You're holding a roast chicken. Like Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim.
Starting point is 00:03:27 I'm so confused. I left in a wheelchair. Shut up. I left Skank Fest in a wheelchair, concuss with EMTs. How did you hurt your head? Oh, also, do you need something to, like put that weed on so that you don't just leave your trash everywhere.
Starting point is 00:03:41 No. You sure as you can see some. This isn't trash. Oh yeah. I'm sorry to, it's, sorry to dirty up this fine establishment. No,
Starting point is 00:03:49 this is all a part of the studio. There's cat litter in the hallway. There's because that's where the cats go to the bathroom. That's crazy that you put the cat litter in the place where you bring down every guest on your show. Where else am I supposed to put it? I don't know. Get rid of the fucking cat.
Starting point is 00:04:04 Okay, let's get into it. You don't like cats. I don't like you. People that don't like cats, sociopathic behavior. Cat lovers go, I like cats and I like dogs, but I don't care to own a dog. Cool. Dog owners and dog lovers go, I love dogs and I fucking hate cats.
Starting point is 00:04:22 I don't care if cats die. You even said, get rid of the cat just now. Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want it dead. Like get rid of it in the street where it probably wants to go. If you have a pet and every time you crack a door open, it tries to run out, it does not want to live with you. Did the cat try to run out? when we open the door, no. We didn't leave it open long enough.
Starting point is 00:04:40 Let's go crack the door open while we did the podcast and see if you're fucking cats here. He'll be gone with other cats where he wants to be. We'll say let's imitate Kim and we'll fucking leave the door cracked. Sorry, trying to think of a bird, but then I thought of my little cat running out.
Starting point is 00:04:58 And dude, he was sitting on the couch so cool and I go, Kim, this is Glenn, Glenn, this is Kim, and you're like, nech. What do you want me to do? Why don't you like dogs? I do like dogs. Cats. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:05:11 I think I'm getting a contact time. I've only broken it up on the table. Dude, I'm coming up 11 years sober April 10th this Friday. Let's break that. And if I smoked weed, I would be zooted and booted to another universe. Zooted and booted. Let's, should we? Zooted and boot it.
Starting point is 00:05:32 All right. Go get my old gravity bomb. Let's get high, dude. Let's do some pet of me. Yeah, dude. Also, you love ketamine. Okay, let me make this clear. I'm 35 years old.
Starting point is 00:05:45 I've been in comedy since I was 22 years old. I've done ketamine less than 10 times my whole life. No way. Yes, I swear. I may be on my 10th time. How come every time I've seen you recently, you've been on ketamine? Because I've done it the last five times I've seen you, but I've only done it 10 times. What if you're doing Kennedy to deal with me?
Starting point is 00:06:05 I think it's a use. thing. I think it is amazing. It's a you thing. I quit drinking. Really? Congrats. I mean like, okay. I've had So you didn't quit. Okay. I went from drinking every week to having one drink maybe every three weeks. That's not quitting. That's cutting back. I cut back extensively. People want to steal valor for sobriety so bad. Nobody wants your boring red sugar for you red bull valor. People all the time, I'm sober. Oh, do you smoke weed? Yeah. It's been four years since my last drink, but I do Coke cat and I smoke weed. Cote.
Starting point is 00:06:43 It's, it's, I eat croquettes and you do coquette. Now, there's going to be a lot of rhyming on this pod. Let's be clear, there's cat hair in my blunt. So that's reason. Good, good. Can I tell you, I love those guys so much when I find cat hair on me. I say, thank you. That's white.
Starting point is 00:07:00 I'm very white. Listen. Wouldn't it be more offensive? When I saw cat hair, I went she. Motherfucking cat hair. Yeah, or I went, me, no, rikey. Me, not riky, this motherfucking cat hair. Yeah, of course I.
Starting point is 00:07:17 No, you're right, you got to go, thank you. Put it in my food. Put it in my mouth. Let's bring it into the potato salad for all my friends to eat. I love it. This is the thing. Cats are, this is why cats are disgusting. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:07:28 And I mean this. I would not own a pet. Like, if a dog had to shit in one box every time, and then rub his feet around the shit area and kick the shit sand everywhere and then get it in between its paws and then climb up to my fucking kitchen counters where I eat my food after he's shit
Starting point is 00:07:48 I wouldn't own a dog. Okay, but the dog goes outside, dirty paws, dirty ground, comes inside. Gets its wipe, paws wipe. You have to touch the shit. It leaves shit on the ground. Some people just leave the poop and pee everywhere. Well, you can't clean up the pee,
Starting point is 00:08:05 Sometimes they leave the poop on the ground. Cats had the decency. Cats had the decency to go in a box, very clean. No, no, no. This is apples and oranges. This is apples and oranges. You're talking owners versus pets. Apples and oranges, they're both fruits.
Starting point is 00:08:21 It doesn't matter. You don't make orange pie. You don't make orange pie on Thanksgiving. You make apple fucking, no. I would eat an orange pie. Fourth of July, if I brought in an orange pie, you'd say, where's the apple pie? When you play soccer, it's four. They bring you orange peels and apples.
Starting point is 00:08:37 Okay, you know what? They're more similar than different. No, they're not. No, it should be like that's comparing apples to mayonnaise. Like two things that are different. Okay, you're changing the, you're changing the, these are semantics. This doesn't even matter because this doesn't even matter. Because it doesn't even matter.
Starting point is 00:08:55 If you keep repeating, it doesn't make it true. You'll sleep with me. You'll sleep with me. You'll sleep with me. You're right. It's not working. Oh, fuck. New tactic.
Starting point is 00:09:05 You're getting sleepy. God, not the comb of death. Oh, no, not the comb of rape. I hate when this happens. My hair's been naughty for years for this reason. That's so funny you called this a comb of rape because... Oh, my God. We do not condone that.
Starting point is 00:09:23 Now, let's get back to cats. I think you don't like cats because you're genetically predisposed to dislike them because you're allergic. Also, if cats were outside more, see, people are so stupid. They want immediate gratification. They want a dog to come up. Like me, like me. A cat takes patience. A cat takes understanding.
Starting point is 00:09:43 A cat, you're not on your time. You're on cat time. Yeah, I'm not auditioning for my fucking pet. Sorry. Sorry, you're a dog, not the seller. Guess what? I love the seller. I'm there tonight.
Starting point is 00:09:55 No bad comments. Fuck you. I never cared about anything. I don't care. Well, you certainly don't care about your outfit. And that's the T. I think we're not going to agree on cats. It just upsets me how negative dog people are about cats because cat people are never that way about dogs.
Starting point is 00:10:18 And I find, you know what? I find cat people to be more understanding. No, I like that this made you nervous so that's double back. Cats are like the seller. Why? Because you go over there and you go, hey, this is sick. Let's check out this cat. And they go, but I'm a cat.
Starting point is 00:10:32 And it's go, yeah, I've been to a hundred. cats there's a cat in L.A. There's a cat in Austin. There's a cat in every big city and they goes, but I'm the cat. Look at my special cat. And I go, yeah, you're a cat. And then you go in and it's like, you're not allowed to be near me. Maybe though, because I'm a cat. Maybe come try on Tuesday. You could be a cat with me. It goes, I don't really want to try on Tuesday. I could just go be a cat every other day of the week somewhere else. And it goes, well, if you don't like me, don't come by. I'm a cat. And then let me tell you, once you get the cat's love, you will support Israel.
Starting point is 00:11:12 Is this how the war started? Is this why I can't afford gas? No, I disagree because you're making it out to be like cats are this secret club to get in. They're not. It just takes a minute to warm up. If you meet someone and they immediately are like, hey, you're my best friend. Hey, you're my best friend. Can I, can I touch you?
Starting point is 00:11:37 I want to climb on it. You'd be like, you're a freak. Get off me. Did you just drop a lip one on my? You are a dog. I'm sorry. Is this a new carpet? I'm so sorry.
Starting point is 00:11:46 There is cat vomit in the carpet. No, that's just Jordan sludge. There is a rat on the floor. Yeah, that's our next guest. How does this place not have roaches? No offense. Because this is all by design. The empty latte oats cups?
Starting point is 00:12:03 It adds care. Oh. Also, that's Jordan's corner. That is such a... What's happening over there? We love Jordan, but this is such a embodiment of her. Empty cups, cups full of stuff, trash, multiple pairs of glasses. Literal sludge on the floor.
Starting point is 00:12:24 It looks like... Sludge on the floor. This is her space. This is my space. Yeah, you're just cleaner. Cigarettes, dead rats. Those two. Those two.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Henry Rollins. This makes sense. King of Skaw. I'm sorry. Okay, King of Skaw. That's me. You are the King of Skaw. Now, Kim, aside from your slight sociopathic feeling towards cats, what drives you?
Starting point is 00:12:50 What gets you up in the morning? You know, if I'm being truthful and honest, I love the sunshine. I love waking up to a brand new day. Every day feels like a clean slate for me. Isn't it so nice. When the sun shines through your window, you feel a little breeze. And you go, today is a day. Today is a gift.
Starting point is 00:13:09 That's why they call it the present. Unwrap it. Yep. That's exactly how I feel. And I know you guys think I'm kidding. But every day I wake up and I go, my God, I've done it again. Here we go. I'm living in a hell of my own design.
Starting point is 00:13:22 I've done it again. I went to sleep and I done woke up. And here we go. We got to rock it till the end, dude. And you do feel that way? I do feel that way. You're not joking and mocking me because I feel that way? No, I'm not mocking you.
Starting point is 00:13:35 I wake up every day and I go, like literally, I made it another day. Let's get it. That's how I wake up every day. I like that. Now, what about the days when you don't feel like that? How do you convince yourself to feel that way? I don't. The days that I don't feel like that, I go, you wake up every day and get it.
Starting point is 00:13:51 How about today you don't? And then you can get it tomorrow. Hmm. And I just let myself have those days. What is the proverbial it? What are you getting? I think the satisfaction. that I woke up and I tried another day
Starting point is 00:14:07 and I didn't give up because really it's so easy you know there are days like giving up yeah dude there are days like what does it all matter I've lived a good life I could just get out of here
Starting point is 00:14:22 but then I go I have skank fest soon you know it's like I got a crowd serve I got to jump and shit I got to rock out I got to surf more waves I got to hear the laughter of a child.
Starting point is 00:14:37 Do you know what would make you feel even better? Eyes open, sunshining, window open, little breeze, feeling good, cat on the chest, feeling better. You know what would make me feel better? A dirty dog licking your feet like a creepy perver. No, no, no, going to sleep peacefully, no man, not scared, big dog, growl, growl, protect me non-sexualy. That's kind of a, I.
Starting point is 00:15:07 I think that I'll, that's a big reason. Like a cat sitting on a shelf, just being cool. You know, I think one day in the very, very, very long future, when I have a very big place and a big space where I don't have to, like, keep my cat litter in the hallway where my guests come. Where, where, okay, you've seen the spot. Where would you put it?
Starting point is 00:15:26 It's a long stairwell. It makes sense here. I would have her put her drinks in the cat litter right here. Okay, did it smell like cat litter? It does not. Your place smells lovely. Thank you. People do not believe that because of my look and actions.
Starting point is 00:15:45 People out there in TV land don't believe that I don't smell like cigarettes, my place doesn't smell, and that I'm a clean fella. Isn't it crazy? I think I could be convinced to get a cat one day, way far from now. Mm. When I have a stay-at-home husband. That's what you want? No. No, I hate that.
Starting point is 00:16:07 I actually like men working a lot. Do you want kids? Yeah. I just got my eggs tested. Really? How are they? Amazing. So much so that I went in to get them frozen.
Starting point is 00:16:20 You're going to get them frozen? I was going to. And they're like, don't even get tested for another year. They were like, you're good. Wow. Are you a fertile my urtel? My eggs are, okay, they have levels, right? And they tell you what age the level should be at.
Starting point is 00:16:33 There's levels to the hormones, dude. and I have the eggs of a 26-year-old woman. Really? And the looks of a... 21 minus 7-year-old woman. Oh, my God. I don't do that now? I thought they...
Starting point is 00:16:53 Do you remember when they would... No, they still go... No, they go like this. They like John Cena, don't see me? They pretend they're shocked and they cover their mouth. They're like... Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:04 Like, when they're excited, they go, ah. It would... It would say. suck to grow up right now. Dude, it's crazy. You know what it's like for me having to keep up? No one's asking me to keep up at all. Not one person is asking me to know these things.
Starting point is 00:17:16 I like to know the lore. I like to know the six-sevons. Chungus is the new one. What's Chungus? It's a cute fat person. Really? Someone's like being a fat ass and they're like, if we just ate and you go, I'm hungry again.
Starting point is 00:17:28 You're being a little chungis. That's cute. I know. I kind of like it. Oh, I like that. Chungus. A chungus amongus. Lewis's sister, her daughter called her Chungus.
Starting point is 00:17:39 And I was like, that's mean. Dude, I was with my... She was like, don't call me Chungis. And I was like, what's happening? I was with my buddy and his family on Easter. And his sister's kid kept being like, that's cringe. That's cringe. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:53 And I'm like, you're like seven. You're cringe. Yeah. Why are you trying to be cool? Yeah. Yeah. My nephew calls me, bruh. He's eight.
Starting point is 00:18:03 Really? Yeah. And he's only ever called me T. D. Coco. Well, I guess it's because they have access to everything and they can, like, know, like, the new thing. And it took forever when we were kids. I saw James, Lewis's son, for the first time in a few years. What does he call you?
Starting point is 00:18:18 He calls me Kim. In and out of my life, Mom. Dude, you want to hear the sweetest story? Yeah. He called me. So we talk, me and James. That's cute. We talk, you know.
Starting point is 00:18:28 He calls me for my birthday. I call him for his birthday. It's like a rich life child of, like, a. like beloved comic must have. I know. I know. I know. So he calls me and... Beloved by few.
Starting point is 00:18:45 He's 13 now, right? I came into his life when he was four. He just turned five. Oh my God. Yeah, so he's 13 now and he calls me... Does he call you first, mom? Second mom. Well, this is what the conversation was.
Starting point is 00:18:57 Him and Lewis called me from the car and James was asking me for girl advice. And I won't tell you the girl advice because it's his business. Off, off, yeah. Not on the show. He was asking me for girl advice, and I gave it to him. And, you know, it was very cute. And then Lewis is like, we're just leaving MSG. We went to go watch Shane.
Starting point is 00:19:13 And in the green room, all the guys were asking James, who his favorite girlfriend was. And I go, who was it? And he goes, well, Kim, of course I said you. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I went to go tease him. And I go, if I'm your dad's favorite girlfriend, name your favorite memory with me. And I swear to God, he goes, well, it's not really a memory. I just always remember the way you would laugh when we'd watch movies together.
Starting point is 00:19:34 Oh my God, that's adorable. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? That is so cute. Now, I want you to note that. And then I haven't seen him in a couple years since he was like 11. I go to his house Easter Sunday because I get dropped off from the bus in Jersey. So I'm like, I'm going to pop by, say hi to James and Lewis. We go in.
Starting point is 00:19:54 Me and James are sitting on the couch. I'm scrolling through Netflix. He goes, wait, stop. Go back. And I go back. And it's Salma Hayek. What's the movie, the Tarantino movie? Desperata.
Starting point is 00:20:03 Where she, with the foot, with the foot, from Dust Till Dawn. From Dust Till Dawn. And the cover is her leaning in. He goes, wait, what is that movie? And I go, I don't know. And he goes, Salma Hyak, she's so hot. I love Latinas. And I, and I go.
Starting point is 00:20:17 I think I know why you're his favorite. And I literally go. The girl advice was about you. And I literally go, I literally go, yeah, she's really beautiful. Right? So I try to. Yeah, yeah. And then I change this thing.
Starting point is 00:20:32 And I'm in my socks, right? I swear to God he does this. I'm in my socks. I heard you sell these. He goes. I heard you're selling snips. You know what's really weird, Kim? I just love massaging feet.
Starting point is 00:20:45 And he without saying anything, picks up my foot off the ground and starts rubbing my feet. I have to yank my feet out of his hands and go, let's just watch a movie. Let's watch a movie. And, yeah, then Lewis told me that they watched from Dust Till Dawn, and he saw the foot scene. And I'm like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:03 Yeah, that's not good. So that's my little baby. That's my little baby. Wow. You could really be a diabolical person. Ew. I used it literally. Louis, you better not fuck him over him because she knows how to get you.
Starting point is 00:21:21 Dude, no way. That's wild. Yeah. I've noticed since he was four. It looks like a baby to me still in my eyes. That's cute. But that's crazy that he could literally say such a cute thing and then try to rub my feet.
Starting point is 00:21:33 Yeah. That is like probably nothing Lewis has ever done. I'm like, dude, you're just like your father. This is crazy. Wow. You're pretending we were bonding on the couch. You just wanted to rub my feet. What do you think about feet guys?
Starting point is 00:21:49 I like them because I like getting my feet rubbed. I like getting my toes sucked. Really? Yeah. I like people that. Do you reciprocate? No, I'm not putting a toe in my mouth. No.
Starting point is 00:21:59 What am I a fucking pig? I've gotten debatable. I've gotten. Lost in the moment and like kissed a foot, licked a foot, sucked a toe. But that is like lost in the moment, not like, give me your feet. No, I don't want get me your feet. But I like a man that gets lost in the moment and will be so into you he'll suck your toe. Here's I.
Starting point is 00:22:19 There's a difference. Guilty of that. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But feet guys, it, I don't know if it's like, I don't think there's a nefarious aspect to it, but there's definitely a, uh, goo aspect. But then I can't judge because I'm an unabashed armpit guy. Me and Sarah used to have this podcast called Stone Science,
Starting point is 00:22:41 where we'd get high and we'd just figure things out. Oh, my God. And we figured out that the feet guys, actually the synapses that make you attracted to a vagina and then that see feet that just know what feet are, like those two where they fire off are right next to each other. And some people are born with a slight cross. No, wait, this is science or this is like you guys? No, this is science.
Starting point is 00:23:06 No. Look it up. Look it up. Where? Look it up. Look up. Yeah. No.
Starting point is 00:23:13 Confirmed. And so they sometimes fire off. So feet guys literally see feet like pussies. That's why they're so obsessed with them because it's the same thing. Like, it's the same. Does that happen in the womb or does that happen like getting like kicked in the head when you're tying your shoes? I think it's when your dad shows you from dust till dawn. Before your feet.
Starting point is 00:23:32 I think every guy in my generation had a sexual awakening with Antonio Benderas and Desperado. I mean, Salma Hyken. Do you want the science for this? Yes. Okay. So, according to Google, a leading theory suggests foot fetishes arise from crossed wires in the brain's somatosensory cortex. The brain's map of the body, the cortical homunculus, places the genital region directly adjacent to the foot region. Told you.
Starting point is 00:23:59 Due to this proximity, neuronal input from the feet can activate sexual. arousal pathways. My butthole wiring must have gotten crossed. No, that's what happens with gay guys probably. It's like whatever is supposed to be pussy is just butthole.
Starting point is 00:24:11 That's why they call it pussy. Busy. Wow, we're learning so much. It's a real serious misfiring when you're gay. I wonder what my armpit thing came from. Probably the same thing.
Starting point is 00:24:23 Probably very close. But I like smells. I think that's just chemical. I don't think. I don't think that's. Vigina and armpit wires get mixed. No, I think. that you're trying to be a little different about that.
Starting point is 00:24:34 I think everybody likes the smell of someone. No, there's like... You gotta find your smell. Guys that don't go down on women because they're afraid of the smells. Oh, but you just don't care. And to quote Rocco from EFucked, it's only to smells.
Starting point is 00:24:47 That is disturbing. Do you know that? The Rocco? You don't know it's only to smells? Hoo. Ho! You know it's only the smells, right? Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:24:58 All right. Anyway, go ahead. Do you know EFicked? Mm-mm. I don't have no idea. what you guys are saying. EFucked is this website. Is this a Chungus thing? No, this is like so not innocent.
Starting point is 00:25:10 EFUct was like a website that would post edits of like porno, like bloopers or whatever. Some of it was like really dark and you to be like, I can't even like read this description. But there was this got, this Italian porn star named Rocco. Do you remember when I caught you? What? Sorry I got distracted.
Starting point is 00:25:30 Oh, go ahead. Remember when I caught you? signing up for my Patreon. Oh, yeah. How'd you catch me again? You put in your full name. Oh, I did? Oh, thank God.
Starting point is 00:25:42 You're the only friend I've ever sub to a Patreon for because somebody... I called him immediately and I said, did you just sub and he went, oh, fuck! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to cancel that. No. Because you'll pop up in my email and I'm like, ugh. No, you don't. And then I'll look and go, ooh.
Starting point is 00:26:00 I, too, have a thing for Latinism. Sorry. But, whoa. Sorry. That's me when I saw your Patreon. Yeah, yours is the only friend I've ever seen a gotten a Patreon for. Thank you. It's nice.
Starting point is 00:26:15 It's nice, tasteful things. It's, uh, I think I, honestly, I haven't looked at it since. Have you jerked off to it? Be honest. No, I swear to God, no. What? Is that what you were holding? That's the way you were jerking off.
Starting point is 00:26:29 Another man. No, no, no. I've never jerked off to you. Swear. Swear. Swear. promise. It feels good.
Starting point is 00:26:37 Well, it kind of hurts, but yeah, it feels good too, I guess. Yeah, no, I got it. And then I looked and I was like, I get it. And then it'll pop up in my email sometimes. I'm like, oh, fuck, I got to cancel this. And I haven't been on my only fans in like forever. I've stopped looking at like porn and everything. And now I'm just rambling because I don't know how to finish this story that I've seen you in a bikini.
Starting point is 00:27:03 Yeah subscribe to it. Patreon.com slash Kim Kong then Do you make a lot of money from that? I do decent. Really? I do pretty well.
Starting point is 00:27:15 Was I? Most men start losing testosterone around 30. Mars Men is here to help you fight back. Mars Men is designed to help unlock testosterone just take capsules daily in the morning with food. No synthetics, no needles.
Starting point is 00:27:31 Mars Men has real ingredients like zinc, boron, and vitamin D. So take some Mars men's unless you want to be a bore. What? Can you stop with the noises? I know, but it's bothering me while I'm doing the ad read. And that's how I would react if I was taking testosterone with needles. But it's not. It's because I'm using Mars Men.
Starting point is 00:28:00 Mars Men is made in the USA and third-party lab tested with a 90-day risk-free trial. you have to check it out. For a limited time, Be and Ian with Jordan fans get 50% off for life. Plus free shipping and three free gifts at Mengotumars.com.
Starting point is 00:28:15 That's mango to mars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. Also available on Amazon. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, support the show, and tell them your old pals Ian and Jordan sent you.
Starting point is 00:28:31 Tired of cooking the same meals every week. Hello Fresh is the best way to switch it My mom and her friends use Hello Fresh, and my mom is getting knee surgery, and the Hello Fresh meals are already at the house. Her in-home care is going to take care of it. Heat them up, eat them up, throw them out. That's the best part about Hello Fresh. She's going to be on the couch, laid up, doesn't need to cook, doesn't need to do nothing,
Starting point is 00:28:55 just pop it in, pop it out, yummy, yum, shit it out. No said that. Hello Fresh delivers everything you need to make a delicious meal at home with 80 new recipes each month, you'll always get to try something new like Tex-Mex, enchiladas, and toasted coconut tamporta shrimp. Try new ingredients and learn new recipes and eat better meals with HelloFresh. Go to hellofresh.com slash scotenfm
Starting point is 00:29:21 to get 10 free meals, plus a free neutral bullet ultra-plus two-and-one compact kitchen system on your third box. That's a $189.99 value. Free meals applied as a discount on the first box news subscribers only varies by plan must order the third box by may 31st 2026 hello fresh nothing hits home not nothing hits like nothing hits like home cooking i mean seven dollars wouldn't that be horrible i'll tell you uh which you would call it now you don't know
Starting point is 00:29:59 how to get out of this huh no well now i'm just like are you over thinking it yeah i'm over thinking it yeah I can you know I know you I literally know remember when we were at the table yesterday I go your vibe changed I can read you so well I know you're overthinking it are you can I can I is this live? So we can you cut anything are you overthinking because you have a girlfriend now a little yeah I knew it dude I'm so good I could be a psychic all right one of my overthinking now the fact that I brought up that you have a girlfriend on the podcast and you have to cut it oh I don't care everybody knows I have a girlfriend oh yeah I don't think it matters. It was before your girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't looked at it since.
Starting point is 00:30:40 We're going to have to cut that lie out. No, I'm not lying. I'm honest to a fault. Do you guys have a lie detector in here or just combs with knives in them and rats? Yeah. Okay, you want to see how would I look? It's not bad. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:30:58 That's just from posting a butt every couple months. Yeah, but it's a good butt. Crazy. Man. And it's not every couple months. I'm one of those fools. Do me a favor, honestly, with like the fact that I, like, subbed to, I think it was like, what, a year ago, I think. I think it was longer.
Starting point is 00:31:16 Can you? I think it was literally three years ago. No way. I swear to God. No way. Yeah, because I was, when I was in Hawaii, around that time is when I was using it last. Yeah. I got to go through my thing and, like, delete.
Starting point is 00:31:28 Yeah, you got to go subscribe from probably everything you've subscribed from. Not mine. Keep mine just as a friend. Do me a favor? Yeah. Can you pay me that money back? Listen, we'll add up the monthly and then we'll take out of the podcast appearance and then we'll see where we're at. Man, that's good money for just posting a picture every once in a while. Holy shit.
Starting point is 00:31:54 Now what about your Patreon where you put your stand-up out? I don't put any stand-up out. I actually don't put any of my stand-up out ever. I don't know why. You know what? It feels crazy. It feels like I'm doing stand-up for no reason because I never want to put. put it out. I
Starting point is 00:32:08 crush on the road. I don't know. I never feels like, I don't, every time I have an opportunity to put it out, I'm like, I don't want to. You don't put out clips or anything? No. You don't feed the beast? No. No? And that's why people are like, she sucks. I'm like, you've never seen me once.
Starting point is 00:32:24 Oh. Why don't you put stuff out? I don't know. Throwaway stuff. Or like a, or like a joke on like a topical thing that's like not going to be used in a month. Yeah. You know? You're such a good joke writer. You don't put out like roasts or anything? No, I had managers that were like, put out roast, put out clips, and I just don't.
Starting point is 00:32:44 Do you think that's self-defeating in a way? Yeah, I do. Like self-sabotage? I don't know if it's self-sabotage. Do you film your sets? Because I was talking about this the other day about how it's so wild that we used to never film our sets. And it's almost like, if you don't film now, it's like, well, that was a wasted. I feel like that.
Starting point is 00:33:02 I mean, like, yeah, you worked on stuff. But it's like. I do. And then I see it. And I go, ah. Like, whatever. I don't want to put it out. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:09 I'm like, I really just, okay, this is the thing. Why do you put it on your Patreon? Can I tell you? Tell me. When I started doing stand-up, yeah. I swear to God, my dream was like the classic stand-up where I'd go on stage. The only butt I care about is my girlfriends now.
Starting point is 00:33:25 Go ahead. No one's wondering that. I've seen your girlfriend just really hot. I know, right? She answered, I came in, can I tell the story? Yeah, sure. I came inside, and Ian's girlfriend, first of all, looked like a beautiful architect. She had a flashlight on her head.
Starting point is 00:33:37 head. She looks like one of those girls that like pretends she can't do art, but then you go into a forest and she's on mushrooms and she whips up like a piece. You know what I'm talking about? And she looks like she hosts well. Like a party? Just like a hang. Oh.
Starting point is 00:33:52 Like she hosts a hang well. She's a great hang. Yeah. And yeah, dude, I can't compare to that kind of white. That's a good white, dude. She's a good white. I call her a good white. She looks like you find her in the forest.
Starting point is 00:34:05 Dude, she's very woodsy. I'm telling you. I love it. She looks like a fairy. She looks so hot and like a car heart and jeans. I was going to say overall. Like overalls and like baggy, like just like beautiful and that. But I bet her waist shows a little.
Starting point is 00:34:18 But I bet her waist shows a little. I, this is doing something to my body. Change the subject. Patreon.com slash Kim Gongnan. Tracted to her. What's this for? She's such a good hang. She's so fun.
Starting point is 00:34:32 What is this? Oh, that's, I got me and Jordan these Chinese socks that have, um, like a diagram of certain parts of your foot that if you put pressure, it helps. And then we lost the socks but kept the massage thing. Oh. You can massage your back with it. Or like try it on your foot if you want.
Starting point is 00:34:49 Or that's like extra content. That is a different tier on my Patreon. Go back to you were talking about, I'm great, my gal is. Ian's got a hot chick. Everyone should know. But you don't have a problem getting hot chicks. No.
Starting point is 00:35:06 You've always had hot chicks. It's not like, I don't think people are surprised by that. But she's the hottest. She is. Hotter than the rest. Because can I tell you, she looks like, you know, when you see a girl in a movie, and she's clearly the hot chick, but she's like, she's like in the woods. Like, she's not like filler.
Starting point is 00:35:22 She's not like Hollywood contour. She's like, no makeup hot. That's what I like about. I know. And then. She doesn't look like she would be with a comic. Yeah. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:35:34 I'm sorry. You know, you're a great guy. That's fine. She just looks like. she could do better like a dude that could lift stuff I can lift stuff do you know I can lift stuff do you know how strong I am can you mount a TV
Starting point is 00:35:46 I can mount a TV I can mount a woman wait can you mount a TV absolutely yes you can find a stud you're looking at one studs are 60 inches on center by the way I used to be a carpenter I can fix and do anything in a home remodel
Starting point is 00:36:05 but I don't know a thing about cars maybe that could be like a new hobby of mine. I'm all about hobbies this year. You know what? Fixing things is enough. The bar is in hell for men. It's so sad. Hell shitty straight guys treat women.
Starting point is 00:36:20 I don't know if it's because I'm like by or because I was raised by women, but like the things that I do that I are just like, okay, this is like what you do, I'm like, no one's ever done this before. It's like, what? Yeah. Nobody's like, asked you to text them when you get home so you know you got in safe. That's crazy. It's really crazy. That's insane.
Starting point is 00:36:45 It's really crazy. No one's ever asked you to keep talking about what you like. It's really nuts. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. It's really crazy. I really, like I, I dislike being called gay and stuff, but I've really embraced, I guess, like I like being.
Starting point is 00:37:04 not feminine, but yeah, sensitive. Yeah. And that's not even gay. I know straight men that are that way, that like love women. You genuinely love women. There's just a difference. There's straight men that like fuck women
Starting point is 00:37:18 because they're like, we're like mating. Yeah, yeah. And we're gonna get married. This is like the hunter. Yeah. It's like you're gonna do my seed thing. And there's that. And then there's like another kind of man
Starting point is 00:37:28 that loves women that goes like, I just want like to be with a woman. Yeah. I've gotten made fun of. for like, why would you be friends with a girl if you can't fuck them? It's like... It's so crazy.
Starting point is 00:37:38 I don't know. They're like, um, people. They're also like, being friends with girls rocks. They're so honest with you. Yeah. And also, I love gabbing it up and talking. Yeah. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 00:37:54 You're gay. Yeah. I eat pussy like I'm sucking a cock. Cod. Yeah, and I don't stop till it squirts. Crying, yelling, why God, why me? Why am I so hard? Why do I have to do this?
Starting point is 00:38:14 Why do I love it? Why am I? Is that how you do it? It's like starting up an old bike. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, I think women are so much more interesting than guy. I've just always gravitated more towards women. They're more accepting of like feelings and sensitivities and I don't know.
Starting point is 00:38:49 You know, I've always felt a little bit of the opposite, not even to sound like a girl like that. But I've always been. You find that more in men? No, I like that men don't do that. I grew up with parents that were very like emotionally needy with me. me like I took care of them emotionally so I find that when a lot of women get around it's a lot of like a lot of that like that's what women are meant to do is like talk about the issues and then sort it out
Starting point is 00:39:17 and then men hold it in and sometimes I feel a little more comfortable in that space where men hold it in because then when they give it to you it's special no not even like I don't care if they give it to me because I was going to make an analogy to a cat no no not at all because they don't No, because they don't at all, which is horrible. But it doesn't make me so uncomfortable. I have sometimes when I see women cry, and I think this is definitely because my mom, when I see women cry, it seems fake. When I see anyone cry, it never seems honest.
Starting point is 00:39:49 So I don't, I get very like, I turn into like a shell when people get super emotional. And men don't get super emotional. So I feel more comfortable in that sense. Have you ever had a man cry in your neck and shoulder? Yeah, it absolutely disgusts me. Really? I've done, I've liked that when we, me and like my close friends have like shared a cry and like a long hold. That sounds like my nightmare.
Starting point is 00:40:19 Really? Yeah. Well, I mean. Don't cry. Don't cry. No, he's tearing. I'm seeing it right now, dude. His eyes are.
Starting point is 00:40:29 I see. And he even sat forward. He was like, and he brought up the long hold. It just. It feels good. Ah, dude. No, I feel like... We should do drugs or something.
Starting point is 00:40:40 That's crazy. I feel like in emotion that's shared with a friend is so important. And it doesn't happen a lot with guys unless you have a special friendship where you can let go of that machismo thing. And like, actually, I mean, it really is only really happened with like a death or like a catacly. event or like some sort of bad news but I think being able to and maybe it's gotten a guy to like break down all those walls because they have no choice but to let it go but I think it's special when you can share that with a friend if it's a guy or a girl but doing it too much or over a flippant thing then I agree with you that it's gross and you can be like come on but like I don't know I like being
Starting point is 00:41:32 someone that someone can like cry to and I can be like there for them like I enjoy that because I want that for me that I don't that I don't even from like a friend no I mean like I okay I can remove myself from the way that I feel and go I am happy my friend I am still like they think I'm open enough to be comfortable enough can you let yourself cry to someone yes oh Yes, I can cry. But when someone cries to me, I'm telling you. It's because it's like I got fake cried to a lot growing up. But Sarah's never fake crying.
Starting point is 00:42:11 What? Yeah, dude. You see what I mean? Oh, no wonder. See what I mean? It follows you. Yeah, when I see someone crying, a part of me builds up a thing. And then I immediately go into like, let's fix it so this, we can stop this.
Starting point is 00:42:30 Right. So instead of going like, they're just crying. let them feel it. I go like, let's figure it out. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to put an end to it. That's really tough. I've had to learn, and I try to do this with my chick or like, even my friends being like, hey, do you want me to just listen because I would like to help you solve this and you got to let me know what you want. Yeah. And a lot of times it'll be like, I just want you to like love me through this. And I'm like, okay, I'll sit and listen. And or I'll be like, do you want me to listen or do you want my opinion?
Starting point is 00:42:56 As soon as I said, love me through this, I'd be like, call somebody else. I'm out of here. I can help you fix it. If not, I got to go. I have a spot. No, I'm kidding, but it is tough. Have you ever, have you ever done that? You, like, give someone advice and, like, no, no. And you're like, oh, fuck. Fuck, shit.
Starting point is 00:43:13 I fucked this up. Yeah. Yeah. Or I've been too tough on him. Oh, dude. I, I got like. You need to take a look at yourself and what you're doing. They're like, it wasn't even about that.
Starting point is 00:43:26 I'm like, oh, it wasn't? When I got sober, I came up with, like, a lot of tough love. Like, I would go to this men's meeting called ventilator. It was all like old biker guys and like I came up in like a very like Um hard love type of environment in sobriety. So that's kind of like what I've given. And dude, I, I went to this meeting and this guy was like shaking and was like, I'm, I'm back. I'm back.
Starting point is 00:43:55 Can't stop drinking. Doctor says I, uh, we've got a bad liver and, uh, just can't stop it's fifth time in the month I've stopped and started again and everybody was like oh oh and I went up to him there to me and was like hey man you're gonna die
Starting point is 00:44:14 you don't fucking stop so me dude so it fucking happens jails detox hospitals and death that's what happens to people like us and he was like I don't need this right now and I was like oh sorry sorry that's that's what I accidentally do give you tough love and in my mind I thought I'd be the one to fix you
Starting point is 00:44:31 No, that's what I do by accident. What is that? It's like my man. No, you think that you're like, they're going to need this because that's the way we operate, maybe. Yeah. Because I need someone to just go like, hey, wake up sometimes. And I go, oh, God, maybe I should, you know, you're right. Like you're like, don't get concussed next year.
Starting point is 00:44:49 I'm like, oh, my God, he's right. It was all fun in games. But, you know, when you're in a man's basement with rats and he's telling you to calm down. They're not real. And they were already died. And I made this one. And they were already died. I did.
Starting point is 00:45:01 I did this one. Did you do that? I taxidermied him and I gave him the biggest ball sack in the world. Did you really taxidermia? Yeah. Did you go to a class? Shout out, Terrarium, Denver, Colorado. I did it for an episode of Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs.
Starting point is 00:45:17 YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy, new episodes every other Tuesday, Ian do show on Instagram. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, I got to check that out. Okay. Yeah, I want to see the process of that. I kind of made him to, um. No, he's perfect.
Starting point is 00:45:31 Don't say he's too. Oh, my God. I kind of made him too top heavy. He looks like he's jacked. He's been on like a lot of steroids. He's absolutely jacked. He loves back day at the gym. No, yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:44 But he kind of forgot arms. And waist and bottom waist. Yeah, and he's hulked over. But he did really work out as nuts. He's built like a Samoan woman. Look at the... He's built like Tulu or what was his name on 90-day fiancé? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:02 Oh, my God. Did you catch him? No, they had a bunch of them. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty intricate the process. And I cut them open a little too deep by accident. And because of that, it got a stinky.
Starting point is 00:46:19 Ew. Shout out cold. We've got to fix this. That's nice. That's good. That's a good spot right there. And then we ordered this on Etsy. Okay.
Starting point is 00:46:30 It's just a little. And then someone made this for me. And I always forget. the name of the taxidermy plate. This is me when I wear a dress on stage and sing hervana. I love it. And I always forget the taxidermist name, but I don't really feel bad about it because I showed up to my...
Starting point is 00:46:46 I think it's underneath, literally, right there. Oh, Morteurveda Ventei. There you go. Oh, this is... Thank you, Nikki and Morteau. But next time you come to my show, don't be drunk and yell out the whole time. Thank you. We do the...
Starting point is 00:47:00 What was that noise? We stuffed your rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the rat guy. Goodness. Oh. We're the rat bitch. With a rat, folks.
Starting point is 00:47:12 I got a pee-p. What? Do you guys got a cup or something I can pee in? I've got a mouth. Are you into piss? No. No. But I'll pee in something if I can.
Starting point is 00:47:22 What's the most non-vanella thing you've done in the bedroom? Non-vanilla. I'm pretty vanilla. Yeah? Yeah, I'm pretty boring. I just have, like, you know, that thing on me. I don't got to do much. All right.
Starting point is 00:47:34 What thing won't you? That thing, won't you? You got a wiener? Congrats, bro. Can I pee? Go, the bathroom's over there. Get up. I'll hold it down.
Starting point is 00:47:43 What cup for a second? I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race ya. I'm Ian Fydance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy, and to keep me from rotting in my bed
Starting point is 00:47:58 or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do an odd guy doing a... odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fridayance comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I gotta rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? Movements are these? Uh-huh, oh, oh. Your ankle cracked. I can do my ear. Let me hear. Wait, hold on this one. You gotta get close. Listen.
Starting point is 00:48:53 Why does it do it? No, don't do anything else. Just sit down. I, I... Can I put the mic then? Do you have your headphones? No, I don't want to hear more of your oddities. Here, hang on, hang on.
Starting point is 00:49:09 I didn't hear it. Thank you. Uh, uh... Oh, I feel so much... I'm so worried about cracking my back and becoming paralyzed. I've been doing it since 92. What year were you born? 90.
Starting point is 00:49:22 Oh, oh, oh. It feels so good. I feel like I can breathe. How does it crack because there gets air in it? You want me to crack your back? It'll feel so good. I'm so afraid because I have a bad back. I have a bad back too.
Starting point is 00:49:37 I feel so good. I'm so afraid something bad will happen to me. Oh, I love it. I feel like I can breathe. I feel an inch of color. Oh, and also I just got my back tattoo and I don't want anything to touch it. It's healing great. Is it?
Starting point is 00:49:48 Can I see? I've shown it on every episode. Have you? Well, stop bringing it up then. Oh, it's fucking sick. Yeah, it's really sick. Seems like you want to show it every episode of the podcast. It's like me being like
Starting point is 00:50:02 I won't but if you ask I will Wow eat my shorts My shorts My shorts my simpson's foot Oh when I go back to Winnipeg I'm getting another
Starting point is 00:50:12 Simpsons tattoo by Paul What's Winnipeg? I know it's white and there's tennis right No it's not white That's Wimbledon That's Wimbledon yes stop doing drugs Wait what's Winnipeg That sounds like a dog
Starting point is 00:50:24 A golden retriever Winnipeg me in the ass It's a fucking wild area A lot of indigenous folks States. Canada. Canada. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:32 Do you play Canada? For some reason I always sell out in Canada. Shout out Canada. I'm there next weekend. Calgary, April 23rd to 25th. Buy tickets. It's sold out except for late Saturday. I'm actually heading to Canada April 17th.
Starting point is 00:50:47 Where? Plug it. Plug it up. It's already sold out. Plug. Oh. Chah. Where?
Starting point is 00:50:56 I'm doing the killers that kill Tony tour. Well. No wonder. Not really a Kim event. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm one-fourth of those tickets, dude. Tony's not there. It's just us.
Starting point is 00:51:10 Don't tell them, they'll unbuy the tickets. Oh, no. Tony is there. Can we cut this out? Oh, that's fun. Where's it at in Canada? Who's it with? Who's on it?
Starting point is 00:51:21 Where's A.B.? Alberta. Alberta. There. Calgary, Alberta? Yeah. I'm Calgary, weekend. Oh my gosh, we're just going to miss you.
Starting point is 00:51:32 18th and 19th, I'll be there. On the 23rd to 24th. God damn it. Who's on it? I don't know. They just asked me to do it today. I got to book my flight. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm assuming it's sold out, check online. What are your hobbies? I like to surf, go fishing, go camping, swim down rivers, swim in pools, swim at beaches, go to jump. I like to listen to frogs. I like to watch shooting stars. I like to color.
Starting point is 00:52:07 I like to do water colors at the beach. I like to paint. I like to do clay art. I like to do paper machete. I like to solve Rubik's cubes. Paper machet. Never heard it paper machete. Did I say paper machete?
Starting point is 00:52:21 You did. You've never done it before. And you're just reading the back of a highlights magazine in a dentist office. I like to solve Rubik's cubes I like to Sogs Rubik's Cubbies Is this a taser That doesn't work but
Starting point is 00:52:38 This one does Oh yeah Can I see it? Do you want to tase yourself? No Oh I just want to play with it Yeah Be careful
Starting point is 00:52:47 I turned it off Taze yourself Does it hurt? No Let me do it to you first I will do it to me But I will not let you do it to me No
Starting point is 00:52:57 Why would you give it to me if you didn't want me to tase you. I trusted you. Why would you do that? I'm a piece of shit. 11 years. If you come to hear me with that, I will commit felony assault.
Starting point is 00:53:10 I love felony assault. We found another hobby. Taze yourself. Why not? Just do it. It doesn't, honestly, it does not hurt. You'll get like a, that's it.
Starting point is 00:53:32 No, don't put it. No. Just tase yourself real quick. Kim, the thrill in Manila. In the bedroom, she's quite vanilla. She doesn't like piss. She doesn't like feet. But looking at her ass, she likes to eat.
Starting point is 00:53:51 Pay five bucks for Patreon. Then you will. Color with a crayon. She likes to go to the beach and eat. She likes to color down the street. If you tase you with that, I'll kick you in your fucking face, bitch. Get away for me. Get away from me.
Starting point is 00:54:07 now get get away from me for real i just rap to you does that not mean anything i'll i'll seriously i do not want to be tased respect my wishes stop they are slow so stop i'm getting out of breath don't put it over there i don't want you to have it i i promise you with my word just put it right there at a neutral position. You're a stoner and you'll forget it and then get on a plane and get arrested. Then let me leave it on your cigarette blanket. No, I would like you as a guest in my home. See, it's already fucked up.
Starting point is 00:54:48 Look at that. You have your Puerto Rican jingle jangle jangle on it. Now do me a favor and please. Don't piss me off. I'm over your games. Put it on the table. No, because I don't want you to have it because you're going to tase me. I promise you and give you my word.
Starting point is 00:55:02 I will not. I never believed a Jewish person's word. It is. Well, guess what? I'm only Jewish for my neck up, bitch. I heard about your promises, okay? Do me favor, please put it on the table, and I give you my word. I won't touch it.
Starting point is 00:55:13 I'm giving you my word, and it bothers me when people don't touch it. Promise me, but trust me. Please. Okay. Thank you. God. Damn it. It is just impossible to deal with women.
Starting point is 00:55:30 I need to smoke. Kim, bitch. I don't know. I'm so fun. Do you box or do anything? Because my kicking was a little... It took me. I was not calibrated.
Starting point is 00:56:00 Yeah, I could probably submit you right now. Oh. I probably could, honestly. I submit to the Midnight Society, the story of the man who comes in his basement. I think if we fought, no punches... I have to punch and I have to punch first. I do not have the stamina.
Starting point is 00:56:21 I have to knock you out immediately or else I may be on my heel. But you're not going to knock me out immediately. I knocked out a man way bigger than you in Austin. Yeah, but it wasn't me. I called me in the shower. It knocked me out. It wasn't me.
Starting point is 00:56:37 No, you could probably take me in a fight. There's no punches. If we went up and we were jib-jabbing and I fucking got you over. If we had to scrap and like you do moves, I'm done. Yeah. Done. Yeah. I can admit.
Starting point is 00:56:55 The first punch you throw, if you don't land, it's over. I'm taking you down. Oh. I'm immediately taking you down. Call me a movie from the 90s because I am land if by sea. I don't think so. Call me. Do you remember how jealous Lewis guy when you said I knocked that guy out?
Starting point is 00:57:14 He was like, hit me, hit me in the green room. That fucking, God. Oh, yeah, you knocked him out? Can you knock me out? Yeah. What a loo. Are you going to box or anything? No, I think I'm done.
Starting point is 00:57:36 I can't. I have so many concussions. I have four concussions. That's a lot for a one or 30. Explain how they happen. The first one go. First one was when I was doing Henzo Gracie, Muay, and I was holding bags for this guy that was like 6-3, and he kicked the bag so hard that it comes.
Starting point is 00:57:54 concuss my head. Oh. Number two, go. It was a week later, I was sparring. Now, what do you say? Paper machete? You have fucking liquid for brains. It was a week later, and I was sparring, and I accidentally turned when someone
Starting point is 00:58:13 threw a hook, and it hit the back of my head. Oh, Kim, you poor thing. And then when I drove home, I lost my vision, and I had to go to the hospital. And then they said I had post-concussive syndrome, which is two concussions. within, I think, a week or two of each other. Holy CTE, Batman. Yeah, and then I was really emotional that whole week, and I was crying. It was really weird.
Starting point is 00:58:33 I felt like a woman. And then I did a deprivation tank and felt better. And then the third concussion, I don't know if it did concussion exactly, but I had Skangfest about three weeks after those two concussions. So you got all these concussions clustered together. Yeah. Holy fuck. And I got knocked in the head by that girl that was, like, knocking everyone out.
Starting point is 00:58:54 at Skank Fest, that weightlifting bitch that was like fighting. She knocked like everyone out. And you fought? I fought her until she hit me pretty hard. And then I was like, I'm done because I could feel the concussion concussioning. God.
Starting point is 00:59:05 And then my last one was at Skank Fest last year. The concussions are a concussioning hinty. And that's the T de Fluk. The T bitch. Ah! I can't see. I'm a concussion. Chungis.
Starting point is 00:59:19 I hit my head six, seven times. Oh, God. So yeah, and then my last one was at Skankfest last year that I got concussed on the second to last night, but then I still had to perform killing in the name of the last night. But the EMT said, don't do it. You shouldn't be screaming or running around. You're concussed. And then I did it and I still crowd surfed.
Starting point is 00:59:41 I mean, you got heart, kid. I'll tell you that. I got heart and concuss. You got heart. And brain jamish. And a condition in your heart. No, it's a good. More concussions.
Starting point is 00:59:53 Man. Wow. What's this trick? What's this you're doing? You're taking out a deck of cards. What is this that you're doing? No, don't color on my deck of cards. So what are you doing?
Starting point is 01:00:20 Because I feel some sort of way right now about how you're behaving. I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. Oh, my God. Please don't say we're in war. Is a newt coming? Oh, God, a nuke's coming. Is that what it is?
Starting point is 01:00:42 It's news? I don't want to know. No, I don't know if I should save it on the podcast. Say it. Can you just say it now? So I can know what's happening in our lives? I just got emailed about, uh, yeah. Tom.
Starting point is 01:00:59 Don't say it yet. Oh, my God. Cool. Tom Brady. Tom Brady wants to do the podcast. Oh, I have to go to, I have to go to my peers. box. Fuck.
Starting point is 01:01:11 What is this? Dude. Life's pretty cool. Going from this to that. That was kind of cool. Oh no. She's serving herself. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:35 Oh, you've got to pick these up. What are you trying to do? Just tell me so I know to give you the grace of understanding how many times you do this. What is this trick you're trying to pull? My God, you're exhausting. Oh, I wish you caught it so it could be over. This looks like Kim every time she gets a cum shot. Fuck it.
Starting point is 01:02:11 Yeah, okay, we're done. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been the podcast. Now you get a better guess than me. Okay, you get a better guess than me. This is what happened. Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen. Melendale, you can fool you? You just got a better guess than me.
Starting point is 01:02:25 He completely checked out. He checked his email. He went, I thought it was the war in Iran. That's how much I care. I thought it was the war in Iran. And he goes, yeah, it's worse. I will give you all the more. money in my wallet if you can spell around
Starting point is 01:02:35 E! All right, what do you want them to check out? Kim Congdon.com for show dates. I'm coming to Florida this summer, end of June, doing the Morgan and Morgan tour, the Tropical Depression Tour. Me and Uncle Laser were getting hit six cities and fucking party with all the fans that come out.
Starting point is 01:02:55 You guys are really good together. You're great on that poker show. Thank you. Thank you. We're having a lot of fun. At least someone is. Continue. Don't worry.
Starting point is 01:03:03 Your guest is on his way. Your guest is on this. I love you. Follow me on Instagram, Kim Kongden, whatever. Ian Bydance.com for all my dates. You can see me all over. Dates up through 2027. Let's fucking go.
Starting point is 01:03:16 Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs out every other Tuesday on YouTube, the YMH Network, and Ian do show on Instagram, punchup. That live slash Jordan Jensen for her dates. And sub to the Patreon for bonus episodes, early episodes, and a bunch of other stuff, patreon.com slash B&EAM pod. we are available on punchup as well punchup dot live slash be and Ian pod uh let's change you to be and Ian with Jordan yes that's going to be the name of it and uh please don't ever look at me like that again
Starting point is 01:03:48 i knew you were going to do that and i still flinched and i'm honestly going to hurt you anyway thank you for tuning we love you Kim say bye cut her camera

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