Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Ep. 1 with Tim Butterly "Mr. Hands"

Episode Date: August 6, 2022

Ian and one of his oldest pals in comedy, the hilarious Tim Butterly, talk about exotic men, the Bein Ian theme song, and what its like raising kids. If you like what you hear, please check out the bonus episode by subscribing to the Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Thanks for listening!

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian Is that from the song? What a spasm of the mouth what a mouth spasm that was a verbal spaz

were you having one of those moments where you're just thinking about feeling embarrassed not even about anything specific and you just say something like oh fuck kill me no no no the uh the manager and booker at LOL in New York, you know that club? Are we recording? Yeah, yeah. We are recording, right? Yeah, we record all this. The manager, Roy, from LOL in Times Square, who's a very gay Dominican man that always wears like nice suits and boas, like a feather boa. He tried to make my name sound important when he would introduce me to like MC years ago. And I'd known him for years and he wouldn't call me Ian Fidance.

He'd go, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the LOL Comedy Club in the heart of Times Square. Please give a round of applause for your host this evening, Einon Define Dancer. That was like him putting the ultimate respect on your name. Yeah, well, if he respected me, he would have paid me more than $10 in MC spot. No, no, no, no. You're talking about money, dude. I'm talking about respect.

First of all, money isn't even worth anything. If he gave you respect back then, it would have appreciated. Well, he does respect me because he still hits me up for spots, and I'll go, sorry, I'm not in town. And he goes, the good ones never are. Whoa, that's pretty cool. I think he wants to fuck me. Wow.

I thought he was giving you a comedy compliment. Oh. Maybe he was. Whoops. You're thinking by good ones, you mean guys I'd like to have sex with. Yeah, yeah, yeah thinking I'm thinking by good ones you mean guys I'd like to have sex with yeah yeah

I'm thinking he's talking about comedians oh okay yeah you're so in demand you're never home yes that's right

I thought Roy wanted to fuck Inon give me that nice cock and ball torture Inon Fadante

I just make him have you ever give me that nice cock and ball torture. I not for dance. I just make it. Have you ever been with an exotic man or is it just been like bros? Yeah, I've been with exotic men. What was that like? Were they very seductive? One time I woke up in an exotic man's apartment. Ooh,

tell me about it. It was some Australian guy and his apartment, dude, it had like African statues. It had a spiral staircase going downstairs. It had like a waterfall. It was fucking nice. And I woke up naked in his bed and I was like, how'd I get here?

And he was like, well, I met you in a pizza shop. And you said, I'll date that that slice of pizza you can't fuck me in the ass so i took you home and you just took your clothes off and passed out making him a bed i'm just i'm just picturing like a handsome 50 shades of gray millionaire with like very fine leather bound like books you know there's like a slide there's a ladder on a rail that slides back and forth. There's an enormous library. He wakes up and puts on a three-piece suit every day. And then he goes out at night and brings you home.

He brings home the fucking honeycombs mascot. Me one honeycomb. Me one honeycock. He drives to be sexy. I'm just... He thought you escaped from an asylum. He tries to be sexy. He thought you escaped from an asylum. I dare him. I reckon I could have a bit of six with that retard.

You can have a bit of six. Would you like to come to my mansion and have some sex then? I'll do whatever you want, man. Hey, man, let me suck your dick. Let me suck your dick, brother. Hey, when I go to fuck your ass, say I'm from parts unknown, brother. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I've been walking home. I was like, fuck. Yeah, I mean, walking home, I was like, fuck.

Baxter, prepare my study. Only having sex with a retarded man. Should I put his helmet in the usual place, sir? Yes, bring us the Sibian. I legit, walking home, was was like should I marry that guy he's like rich you wish man he was slumming

he was slumming when he nutted in you he found me at some pizza shop he didn't nut in me I asked he said no he could have he very well could have. I could be pregnant with an Australian baby. He wouldn't have held his seed.

He wouldn't even give you his seed. I would have taken his seed. Dude, he saw you as an animal. Put it in my roof pouch. You weren't even a human being to this man. I said, I'll suck your cock with some Vegemite on it. Oh, man. You call that a blowjob?

Go on, fuck me, Rocco. He's didgeridooing into the head of your dick. That's what I meant by exotic. Have you ever been with a man who did you do to your penis in his mansion? I did have a man do Gregorian throat chanting on my pulse. he's wearing like an enormous cloak just you have to pull it back it looks like Assassin's Creed. He's been sitting cross-legged on the floor of a monastery for 40 years. Practicing throat singing at your dick.

And he's here to make you bust. And every day I say the same thing. I go a little bit louder in the microphone turn the volume up Chico trying to think of exotic there was one fella that I met up with and this is when I was like

sneaking around about it, and I didn't want to like get caught, you know, but he was like, let's meet up at this bar. I'm like, okay. Dude, talk about nervous. I saw everyone from my old adult kickball league team in the bar. I would have been more concerned about the gay guy finding that out than the football team finding out about the gay guy.

Nuh-uh, honey. That's going to be a no for me, sis. Don't look. Don't look. That's my entire adult kickball team. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. don't don't don't don't but this guy showed up to see me no it's not you it's no i'm not ashamed of you they just don't know yet and these guys really respect me man i put numbers up for that team i did i'm there i'm working harder than everybody dude i'm getting there first i got in trouble slide tackling an indian boy at second base it was wearing jeans he just got off his id job i took him out i'm sacrificing the body out

there it would break their hearts to find out that i'm gay oh hi neil hey neil this is my uh friend yeah, Neil, this is my friend. Yeah, that's right. This is my friend, Sergio. His name is Thomas. And so how do you know Enon? He was on a kickball team. Oh, the good ones are.

Dude, this guy showed up. I swear to God, he was like an extra from the blue oyster scene in Police Academy. You know when Mahoney would always send the cop he didn't like to the gay bar? That was like the joke in every police academy. Do you remember that? Vaguely. Enough. I understand it enough to follow the story.

This little fella showed up. What? I'm just an idiot. I'm sorry. This little fella showed up. I shit you not in a little leather hat, a thing a chain thing around his legs short leather shorts a leather vest and i'm like the fuck are you doing you're like this and my kickball team is over there just celebrating another win and i'm over here with fucking, you know. You're still dripping with Gatorade. Hey.

I started, I'm like, you guys hate fags too, huh, right? I love you. I'm sorry, Thomas. Please, please forgive me, Thomas. Yeah, and so I was like, I had to play it cool instead of being like, you're embarrassing me. I was like, you're so hot, we can get out of here. Yeah. So that we could like leave. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that a male goth? was like, you're so hot. We can get out of here. Yeah. So that we could leave.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that a male goth? Is that what you're describing? No, it's kind of like Judas Priest leather. Like leather spiked. Yeah. What?

Sure. What, Jordan? Jordan wants me to blow the shofar. Oh, yeah. Why? Are you happy, Jordan? That's how we were supposed to start the episode. Fucking king of timing, Jordan.

You guys are having fun. Blow the shofar. Kind of like a didgeridoo, right? Shut the fuck up, Jordan. The precise purpose of this object is for a 10 year old to ruin his parents time with their company. Yeah. And so you go put the Shafar down. I'm not kidding. Seriously.

Okay. Okay. It was funny at first. It was funny. I understand. But now it's not. And you're pushing it. Dude.

The best. This is me like once a week dude i knew it was coming from a real place the best was when i came over your house that sunday and ben called um uh which one of his siblings did he call a bitch lucy it could have been either it's probably lucy he was really showing off good it was so good he was really showing off for you what do you do on his ass what do you do when your kid does something wrong but it's like the funniest thing in the world what do you how do you do that i don't know dude they do everything wrong and you're supposed to like not correct them that much you're supposed to like let them run face

first and like really stupid mistakes really yeah because it's like if you avoid the mistakes for them, they end up just like retarded and useless, right? Right, they like never learn. So it's like all the time you're watching them experience like unbelievable disappointment. So that's like the worst. That's the worst thing. Having to know that you could stop it,

but you have to let it happen so they grow. Yeah, or like not that you could stop it, but you have to let it happen so they grow. Yeah. Or like, not that you could like necessarily prevent it, but like you would have known to avoid it, you know? But how do you not rub it in their face? Like, ah. Okay. That's what's really tough. Cause like you could win any argument with a child.

Like just if you went, if you went like completely no rules, no holds barred, you would demolish any child. Right. You know, like a spouse barred, you would demolish any child. Right. You know, like a spouse you can argue with if need be. But with a child, they lack any of the like gear for fighting. How do you not bully them? How do you not just want to win all the time? That's the real hard work of being, everyone that complains about like how hard it is to

be a parent or like pretends it's like the hardest thing in the world, it's actually cool and fun. Yeah. That's the only like real challenge. Of not being like. Is not just being the worst dickhead in the world. It's actually cool and fun. That's the only real challenge. It's not just being the worst dickhead in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of just forcing them to do everything right so that your life

is easier, you have to watch them make you inconvenienced with their mistakes. That is the hardest. That's the hardest. I don't know if I could do that. I fucking resent them for their mistakes, dude. Oh, I can only imagine. But I think it's normal. I think if you present it, you're crazy.

Yeah. But you also, like, dude, you took your kids to Turnstile, and that's the coolest shit in the world. Isn't that, like, such, like, an old, like, corny dad thing, though? Dude, my mom took me to Metallica. She wore all black, dressed her nails black, and all these construction workers were like, your mom's cool, brother.

You got to appreciate it. I was like, fuck you. Also, I was eating a Domino's personal pan pizza, and this woman behind us wearing this leather outfit that had leather lace so her fat was sticking through like the holes in the leather She called me her pizza man. She's like you pizza man. You deliver. She was going out of the mosh pit I swear to God she came up to guys in care. Did you go? Just like in sixth grade.

Some guy was smoking a joint in front of us, and my mom goes, excuse me, can you put that out? My son is here, and he goes, fuck you, lady. Yes, dude, that's rock and roll. My mom took her knuckle and pounded him on the back and goes, don't fuck with me. Now put that fucking joint out. And the guy was like, I'm sorry, lady.

He like tap danced on the joint. I was like, oh my god. That's like a movie moment when the mom lets her son know that she's actually cool. Oh, dude, yeah. But of course I resent it. I was like, shut up, you're embarrassing me, mom. And she's like literally being the coolest person. I'm like, god, you're so

embarrassing. I wanted the guy smoking a joint in front of a kid to think I was cool someday. You blew it. What about the fat girl with the leather? Now I'm never going to get molested. I found a way. Dude, my grandfather took me to a Wildwood boardwalk and got me

a Metallica knit hat, you know, like a winter hat. And he was haggling with the guy and got the guy down from like 20 to 10 or whatever. I was so embarrassed. And the guy was like, hey, your grandfather loves you, man. Not many grandparents do that for the kids. Fuck you. And then now I love to haggle.

There's nothing I love more than a haggle. That is if you successfully haggle, you've asserted dominance. Dude, that was your grandfather being an alpha. oh that's cool yeah and then what was it when he would pick up the change between the window and the car at burger king smart smart smart and hopeful smart and you only you only find loose change if you have hope in your heart there it is if you don't have hope in your heart you cannot you don't have no idea how much money is on the ground yeah and he grew up in the depression and survived it, so he'd have a lot of hope. Yeah, he dominated that Arabian

salesman on the boardwalk. That was a guy that looked like Jordan. Oh, man. Dominated that white pussy on the boardwalk. You blow the shofar. No, we're trying to haggle pussy, but the shofar. Yeah. No, we're trying to haggle, pussy.

Now, Tim, what does it feel like to be inside of a woman? Is it the same as a man? Is that what I'm doing? Am I doing that to you? No. Oh, man. Oh, fuck. So you were about to tell me what it actually physically feels like to suck on a dick as opposed to get your dick sucked. Oh, my God.

Why should I tell you when I can just show you? Stop. Jordan, hit the lights. I'm going to blow you like a shofar. You're not going to blow my shofar. You put that down, right, Ian? It was funny the first couple times. I laughed, okay?

First couple times, it was funny. But now you're pushing it, dude. That's the show, blowing the shofar with Jordan. And then we give your full name and address. Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that Metallica concert was really cool. My mom took me and my friend Rick and his friend Phil,

and the first time I met Phil, he showed up at my mom's house when she wasn't home with Rick, and he goes, I got you this. And he just gave me a yanked out piece of magazine from a penthouse and just handed it to me whoa it was a lot like bringing treats for the dog yeah i know i sniffed his ass afterwards i was like thank you yeah it was a lot that was like my first introduction to like physical pornography what was yours oh i don't remember probably finding some some smashed vhs covers in the mud around the neighborhood that was why was it always in the mud or the woods you wouldn't just throw it out in the trash in your house because someone

else would see it so if you if you were a porno guy you would take the cover off and you would frisbee it out your window as far as you could. You would try to roof it on a neighbor's house. Why would you take the cover off? It's like getting rid of a gun. Because you don't need the cover. The cover's superfluous and then you put a fake label on the VHS. Yes. This wasn't me, by the way.

I'm talking about guys that did this. Mine, I was actually like a ninja turtle feeding in the sewers. I would just, whatever porn was left around by like older brothers. One time I found a bunch of like 70s penthouses that my dad like kept in a corner in the basement. Like I did, I was like a bottom feeder for, I was basically getting just like drippings. You know what I mean? It's hard. The way that the metaphor that I'm trying to make is me at the bottom of a sewer grate

with just like the crumbs of pornography that were discarded. So you were like the legitimate turtles and the ooze was dripping down and that turned you into a mutant. Yeah. Into bebopping rock steady hard on. Into rock steady cock. Yeah, this dude, this kid like gave me a crumpled up like here this is real i was like did you like think of me when you did this like i'm gonna give this to this boy i'm

meeting like was this preemptive like what the fuck dude it's very strange he probably did that with every kid he had to meet. With every lady's kid. That was his business card? Hey, Phil from the neighborhood. Damn glad to meet you. She's a woman's beef. He palms you. He folded up.

Picture of tits. Put it there, champ. Hey, damn glad to meet you. Say hi to the missus. Is this K keeper hunt? He's just meticulously like cutting it out of a magazine. This kid's gonna

love me. And then he's gonna tell his mom that I'm a pretty cool guy. There we go. Dude, just yanked out of the 7-eleven oh god there's another kid uh actually well the sad of it is these are fun stories that we're reminiscing about kids they're not gonna have the same story what do you mean because print the parent the print industry is dead yeah vhs is dead you know now they're gonna do it be like softcore's dead too yeah no one's talking about how softcore being dead is a big problem yes you it's like training wheels to your real to real sex to your true training wheels to a hard boner that was like how you got there yeah i have no idea if if teens actually i my sense is that like

now that it's so prevalent that like teens just don't think it's as a loose uh a loose there's not as much of an allure to it really it's lost some shine i bet i'm sure there's a sociologist who doesn't care about his reputation who's studying this, but I bet you teens are backing away as opposed to getting deeper into it. I read a thing that they were trying to do a study about the effects. People's thoughts on certain ideals who view pornography and who don't, and they had to end the study because they couldn't find anyone that doesn't look at pornography. Wow.

That sounds like a chain letter. Is that real? Did that really happen? Yeah, and I forwarded it so I wouldn't be given bad luck. So, yes. No, it's true. Jordan, look it up. Can you look it up?

That doesn't have a computer and didn't sign up to this level of production. I guess what would you search? I believe it. Porn study. It just sounds like one of those, it sounds like an obvious joke. Here, type in this. Porn study children.

Come on. We need actual work by real step scientists did you say step scientists yes i did ian oh shit yeah i don't know man i i i think that was was like going to a friend's house and pausing a movie at a certain time because you almost see a tit was such a monumental experience. I don't think that happens anymore. Yeah, well, that's like in the 90s,

that was like 12-year-old's first group social awareness was just like you and your boys sharing information about when you could see tits and stuff in movies pre-internet yeah this was like the last like pre you know what i mean this was the last step before the real internet came around right right and then that became the new thing that you and your boys shared where tits were right yeah but there was some sort of innocence to all like looking at a naked woman. Before the advertisers got involved. Yeah.

It was the last true grassroots movement was 12 year olds in the 90s sharing information about like when you could accidentally see a boob in a movie and trick your family into watching it. Yeah. Oh, you would involve the family. You'd be like, well, your parents would let you watch this movie. I would just be like, I got to do my homework in the basement. You had to like, well, because you didn't, I don't know.

We rented movies from Blockbuster. Yeah. So it was like, if you heard that there were tits in a movie, you had to steer like one of the family's three selections toward the movie with the boobs in it. You know what I'm talking about? You had to get political at Blockbuster to get your family to rent a movie that your heart had tits what movie did you have tits you were like no we're watching it i think i

swayed us toward one of the troll movies i think no or the leprechaun i think there's a there's a kill in one of the leprechauns where uh he makes a guy think that he's about to grab boobs but he's actually sticking his hands into lawnmowers that are turned on their side or something like that and he cuts his own arms off and i was like there was like word going around and uh it was like yeah there's boobs in leprechaun if your parents let you get a leprechaun there's boobs in it yeah i i had the fake porno channel i had spice at my grandparents house and it was like squiggly and once i figured that out i could only for some reason concentrate on my homework in my grandparents that was my excuse like i just do work better in the living room when i'm locked in there

so you were going to completion on squiggle porn there i mean completion of like coming? Yeah. I couldn't come yet. Oh. So I was just like. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay. You were one of those mutants. No, I wasn't like in high school.

You were one of those freaks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was like way too early. No, I was a normal child. How old were you? Not like you. It was definitely after eighth. It was not before eighth grade.

I know that. Oh, wow. But I can't remember specifically. No, I was already, you know, like a grizzled vet. No, I was a good boy. I ordered a porn at my mom's house. Somehow, like, something didn't match up with our bill because we switched cable providers. So, like, things wouldn't show up for some reason for, like, a couple months.

I had ordered one movie and it didn't show up. I was like, oh, let's try it with porn. I figured out the secret. Yeah, yeah. It's actually free if I order it. I had my friends over and there was a movie called Eb didn't show up i was like oh let's try dude i figured out the secret yeah it's actually free if i order it i had my friends over and there was a movie called ebony twins and i really had a thing for like black chicks and interracial born and they're like what's ebony and i was like i think it means pretty and i turned it on and it was like the darkest of the dark these chicks eating each other's head i'm'm like, let's rock and roll, brothers!

And they're like, this is disgusting! Turn it off! Like, I don't know that! Dude, my buddies these days are like, Ebony Tricks! Pretty good stuff, right guys? Bleh! Bleh!

Bleh! I'm just like, this is the future. To this day, my buddy is still like, what the fuck were you thinking? Ebony twins. Like what?

I like black chicks. I lied. I said Ebony meant pretty. Oh, the pretty twins. Jordan, look up Ebony twins. It's Tia and Tamara. Wow, man. What a crowd pleaser that was.

Some old school trickery. And I'm like, don't go away. Give it a chance. Give it a chance. It's just more black chicks. I'm like, yeah! Mrs. Finance, my son told me Ian showed him interracial porn. Now, look, I don't know what you guys are getting up to over there, but I think it's between a parent and their child when they find out about interracial porn? Now look, I don't know what you guys are getting up to over there,

but I think it's between a parent and their child when they find out about interracial porn. That Ian needs to watch what he's doing. Sorry, we'll make sure they never watch pornography and that. No, I don't care if they're watching people fucking. It just better not be interracial. Do whatever you want behind closed doors i don't want my son to know but this was the 90s it was so long ago things are different interracial porn as a child for like years whoa yeah i don't know why i guess some of us are born well you're good heart yeah you're pretty

your heart's in the right place. That's so brave and cool of you to commit to a life of only... I'm celebrating Juneteenth every time I come. Emancipation! Speaking of Juneteenth, now where were you? Oh, man. Do my feet stink? No. They better not, dude. Speak of Juneteenth Now where were you? Oh man Do my feet stink? No

They better not dude Actually bare feet's a bold move on a podcast That's a universally unpopular No I'm wearing socks Dude go barefoot I don't think I intend to Barefoot it then high foot me No I won't do that

High foot me No cause I think you're making a mistake High foot me This is Yeah Tim the doors are locked foot me. Yeah. Tim, the doors are locked. Jordan's

right here. I'm kidding. Damn. All right, Ian. Okay. It was funny. I admit, it was funny. Oh, God.

We'll be right back after this. Oh, yeah. Let me play you the theme song. Let's see what you think of this. So the Lumineers did the theme song. Oh, my God. I am sweating. Woo!

All right, ready? Let's see. Hold on. Oh, has my mic been off? Shut up. Okay, good. All right, ready? Shut up, Tim. All right, ready? Tell? Shut up, Tim. All right, ready?

Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, being in. Life is shit, but you're positive.

Let's find out what it's like. What? Oh, man. Oh, no, my phone turned off. Oh, no. It started off. Telling you I'm having a small. Shit. Now my phone turned off. Oh, no. It started off. Oh, no. Isn't that a fun song? Did you

You constantly do shit Where my first reaction is like Did you tell anyone this idea before you went ahead with it Who wrote the lyrics Me Hold on my stomach hurts How do you know the Lumineers? I won a contest. No, I'm kidding.

They saw me. Yeah. I actually toured with them as the third stomper. I basically just had to wear suspenders and boots and stomp when another guy clapped. I was the lead singer's hat. He wore me on his head for a whole tour. All I know is I got on their tour bus in Pittsburgh and I didn't get off until Albuquerque. Brother!

Oh, my God. If you gimped for the Luminators across the country. I did a show at a... You're sleeping in, like, a locked chest on the tour bus. Like, under, like, stuffed under a bunk bed. They go out and do a show. They do three hours of clapping and stomping in fucking suit vests. And then they get back in.

They're all carrying like giant six foot bases. And they go to tuck in for the night. They pull you out of a drawer and they just fill you off, dude. Hey, guys. What do you mind doing? Please. I have some miracle ideas. And here we are. So I'd say it was worth it.

It's in the box, like, at the end of Let Me In. The little vampire girl. We're just tapping. Woo! I did. I did. I did. Oh, Jordan, do you know CPR?

I did a show at Greenwich Village Comedy Club years ago, and the lead singer was there with his wife, and he dug me, and we ended up hanging out and talking afterwards and we just stayed friends oh wow pretty boring that story kind of all things considered that was really boring Yours was better. Yours was better. I was their gift on a 42-city tour for two and a half years. He and his wife actually enjoyed my art so much that they became my friend. Interesting story. They left me in the box during the pandemic.

They forgot about me. Has anyone been feeding Ian? Has anyone been feeding Ian? You're sustaining yourself by just, like, using your fingernails to scratch old cum off of the bottom of the box. Like, you got really dry lips and you're just a little... You, like, have to hide your eyes from the light when they open the box. Ian! No. Ian! No, Ian! Ian!

You need to quit smoking. It's not smoking. It's laughing. No, it's smoking, dude. It's smoking. You better stop that shit. Holy shit. Nobody makes me laugh harder to the point of pain than you.

It's gangbanging. I was in a back brace and a cane and I had to hop all the way we do have some of the most fun holy fuck dude out of control Jesus Christ I am so sweaty is the AC on is this smoking

I'm actually kind of chilly are you you want one of my shirts I'm about to take it off is that my soda? Is that my soda on the floor? No. The clear?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, sorry. Aaron, will you shut the fuck up? He's just quiet. Some B and E-Ns. B and E-Ns. And it went like this. E and E-N. B and E-N. And it went like this.

E and E-N. Yeah, sure, Ian. Sounds great, dude. They just, they, for the past two weeks of all the touring acts in America, they are number four on tickets sold. Whoa. Yeah. It's like Paul McCartney. And they liked you so much, they wanted to be your friend.

And then them, and then they literally sang a song where they talk about me liking it in the butt. Woo! Yeah, that's wild stuff, man. Yeah. Oh, I don't feel good. Oh, fuck. God damn it. I don't feel good. Oh, fuck.

God damn it. It's a funny song for sure, but the circumstance is even funnier. It's pretty stupid. You know what I mean? Dude, your reaction. It's great, man. Out of control. Well, I mean, first of all, you're playing with your life when you show someone something

on your phone if you sit down and you go be quiet for a little while while i show you a thing on my phone that's like that's life and death right that can go so badly yes can i show you something there's a high threshold did you see the video of the guy getting shot in the street uh some guy he's like put the gun down pussy fight me like a man and the guy's like back back up and the guy's like no and he just shoots him is this newer this sounds reminiscent of videos i've seen it's tough to say if i've seen this specific one you gotta hear the noise this guy makes cool dude this guy dies you gotta hear the noise he makes shut up Jordan

let me find it alright hold on where is it alright hold on I can't find it All right, hold on. I can't find it. You got to be kidding me. Hold on.

I'll find it. Oh, no. Where's the video of the guy dying? Hold on. Maybe it's in one of my group chats. Yeah, play some music, Wally. Damn it. All right, whatever.

I guess I should have had this queued up. Like, man, it's a new podcast, right? Slaves Day, what is that? I mean, this could not be more. This could not illustrate my point further. What's your point? Just how irritating it is when someone tries to show you something on their phone. That's part of why I'm doing it. It could be a pretty good thing on the phone,

and it's still just like nothing because the irritation i can't find it and then to drop the ball this badly is is alarming in some ways you have to stop and think about this dude you're a guy that's bothering people to show them something on your phone and then you couldn't I could find it, but I just need more time. So it was a guy who took his shirt. All right, whatever. It was really funny. He makes a noise. He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, and he dies. He's like, oh, oh, oh, you're going to make when you're dying.

No, no, no. Mr. Australian, no. You're going to sound like a large but still realistically sized rabbit when you die. How does a rabbit sound? Like you're going to be on a high. Rabbits are notorious for making like a terrible screeching sound. Really? Yeah. Yeah, rabbits make like. How do rabbit sound? Like, you're going to be on a high... Rabbits are notorious for making, like, a terrible screeching sound. Really? Yeah, rabbits make, like...

Like, how do they sound? I don't know if I could recreate the sound, but I think it's a lot of, like... You know how, like, when you have a kid, you're like, how does a cow go and, like, move? What if you're like, how does a rabbit sound when it dies? You just scream in their face and scratch them. You scratch them with your back legs. Well, your regular legs, because you're a human. But you know what I meant.

We're calling legs back legs right now. My back legs? My powerful back legs. They're stronger than my front legs. You mean your arms? Yeah. But my front legs are more dexterous. I can perform finer tasks with my front legs,

but my back legs, they're more powerful. That's the first thing you should know about my species. Rabbits squeal when they die? Yeah. Yeah. How are you going to sound when you die? Powerful? I'm like

Oh man Oh dude Oh shit Dude I'm like Fuck Dude I've actually I've been

I've been rear ended Twice in my car And both times Before my car Stopped moving I was going Fuck Both times

I got my car hit I laughed Cause I was like, oh, fuck. I would love to see the video of you going to a guy taking your shirt off. Come on, pussy. Fight me. Fight me. Oh, fuck. Oh, dude.

Oh, dude. Fuck. The fuck, dude. What the fuck? For real, dude. Oh, man. I'm going to sound like Mr. Hands when I die. Humble. Humboldt.

Humboldt. I used to work at a restaurant. Do you remember hearing at the end, he goes, his dying words were, did he come? No. That's 100% true. No. So he had someone helping him, whoever was there with him. And he goes, did he come?

And I swear to God, the last thing you can hear in the video, maybe the one I heard was a prank, but the last thing you hear in the video is, yeah, he came. No. Yeah, the Mr. Hands guy died being reassured that the horse cummed in his ass while it was killing him. At least he went out happy. Isn't that cool? Peaceful. Isn't that great knowing, like, okay, dude, it was worth it.

He like, like Terminator into the, into the vat. And then his hand fell towards Kong. It was just prolapsed asshole sticking out of the top of the molten steel in the factory. He was goateeing on his way down. Smerged in cum. And the cat slowly being lowered into cum. And his spotter's just like a kid with like 90s Joey Lawrence hair. Just like crying and saying goodbye.

He came. He came. No, it's the horse. The horse is standing there. Yeah, he came. He's putting his hands over Mr. Hans's eyes to make them shut. He came. He came, buddy. He came. He came, buddy. He came.

He slowly closes his eyes. He came. He came, buddy. Oh my god. I worked at a restaurant and at night we would put music on when we'd close up and I used to put Mr. Hands on.

So we'd be cleaning up the restroom and you'd just hear clip clomp, clip clomp, humble, humble. Just the sound of a man getting fucked to death. Oh my God. Sort of like putting wine glasses away. That'd be great if you owned a bar and that was your closing time. Closing time. Did he come?

He came. He came. I know. I want to take me. Take me. Oh, God. I am sweating. Holy shit. Oh.

Wow. Wow. I feel like I just came. Closing. Had he gotten fucked by a horse before? Is this his first time? Do we know? Maybe it was his second time and the first time he had beginner's luck.

He was overconfident. He's like, no, dude. Come on, man. I got this. I got this. Get that fucking pony out of my face. I got eyes on this guy. Give me him.

Sir, you should really warm up. I got it. It's like snarling. There's like steam coming out of its nostrils. It's like kicking out. He's like, I'm ready, dude. Last week was pretty good. Famous last words.

This ain't my first rodeo. It's like eyes are glowing red slightly in the dark. Pulls tail a little before he hops in me. Show me what you got, you fucking bitch. Tell him Mr. Ed was a faggot. Oh, fuck, man. Now, Tim, would you... Have her fucking animal.

Just a little guy. Ah, fuck. Well, I don't really have much more in me. I think we need a break. I feel like we crashed face first into a brick wall. I might need an ice pack for my head.

I don't feel well in my belly. There might be a gas leak in here. Carl. I will say I did clean the litter box and Liv got new litter that does not. It's not smell masking. So the ammonia is poisoning us right now. Dude, I was cleaning it. Liv got new litter that does not it's not smell masking so like the pee odor so the ammonia build up is poisoning us right now

is dude I was cleaning it and I was like I get that South Park episode when they get cat pee in their face that was the one episode I mean that was how

the one guy died in um what's it called train spotting what? yeah toxic plasmosis? yeah

no he died of AIDS and then the cats ate him no it was toxic plasmosis toxic plasmosis isn Yeah. No, he died of AIDS. And then the cats ate him. No, it was toxic plasmosis. Toxic plasmosis isn't the pee smell, is it? No, but it's, I mean, part and parcel. Jordan, look it up. Yeah, basically. I love how Jordan doesn't have the capability.

If you smell enough cat piss, you die of AIDS, basically. Is that, really? Pretty much. Uh-oh. Let me dribble. Yeah, you were talking about the heavy metal episode of South Park? Yeah. So sick.

You think, wait, can you really get sick from cat piss? Absolutely. No, you can't. Yeah, ammonia is like pretty bad. Is that what's happening to us? I think so, dude. Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine.

We're fine. Wouldn't that be a fun hook for the podcast? You know, you guys do mushrooms and weed. We get high on cat piss. The only podcast that's hosted completely on brain parasites. Oh. And how do you get toxic plasmosis? That was fictional.

That was fictional. Oh, my God. How do you get toxic plasmosis? Come on, man. I thought you had to get it. I thought toxic plasmosis was from... No, it was like a blood poisoning from bacteria and shit. Really?

I think. I don't know. Who cares? I thought it was this scratch thing. Catch scratch fever. I thought that know. Who cares? I thought it was this scratch thing. Catch scratch fever. I thought that was toxic plasmosis. I don't know. That was probably.

Probably had unpasteurized goat's milk in the heroin movie. That was like such a bold writing choice. Give him toxic goat's milk. Toxic goat's milk. Thatxic goat's mezzosis. That's why he's such a brave filmmaker. Oh, fuck. God damn it. That's a good movie.

Not a good movie to show a girl on a first date. For like a Netflix and chill type thing. Did you try? Yeah, not cool? No. No. type thing did you try yeah i'm not cool no no no didn't you like isn't there like a strategy to show and like remember like the anxiety over making mixtapes for oh my god every mixtape i made isn't showing a lady or netflix a musical love letter yeah but like obsessed over and like you you change your mind.

You second guess it. That's because the mixtape is a gift from me to you that you will then take and listen on your own and interpret your own way. A movie that you pick is something you're watching together just to buy time until you guys get flirty enough to kiss. So like the movie. Maybe you're looking at it the wrong way.

What way are you looking at it? I don't know, dude. Dude, I've been basically married since before apps. so like the movie maybe you're looking at it the wrong way what where are you looking at it well i don't know dude i dude i've been basically married since before apps so i don't know about this but i if my instinct would have been to like show who i am with the movie that i'm showing instead of it is not the point of the movie to yeah it's background noise i think i think the second day well i think you you young people are lost then yeah what are you gonna fucking show

what like fucking Star Wars Raiders of the Lost Ark on fucking the first date I'm not like I'm not a fucking idiot

what's your first date thing I don't know well there you go I haven't had to think about this what would you choose I'm going Ghostbusters I haven't had to think about this. What would you choose? I'm going Ghostbusters.

I watched True Romance with my wife. Really? When we were youngins. Really? Yeah. Maybe that's why you guys lasted. Because you went for like, here's a piece of me and not just like, let me get a piece of you. No.

That's never me. I will say, making a mixed CD was such a thoughtful, important part of growing up. Oh, dude. That does not exist anymore. I don't even think I was great at it, if I'm being honest. Really? Yeah, I don't think I was great at it. I was good at it. I celebrate you honest. Really? Yeah, I don't think I was great at it. I was good at it.

I celebrate you. I celebrate people like you. Being good at mixed CDs. My friends would ask for them and they'd call them Ian's influence. No way. Swear to God. Swear to God. You were an influencer. I was an influencer. And I had a Kodak camera and I'd take pictures

of me and my friends, cut them up and put them on my wall physical facebook wall whoa what do you think of that Pretty impressed, huh? No one else did that? I didn't have any friends. Oh, fuck. All right, let's fucking wrap this up. What time are we at, Jordan? Oh, perfect. We right, let's fucking wrap this up. What time are we at, Jordan? Oh, perfect.

We're just getting started. Let's not beat a dead horse. Let's not beat a dead Mr. Hans. Tim, what do you want the kids out there to get their eyes on? What do you got, a plug? Tim? Absolutely not. I'm not doing plugs.

This isn't going to come out until like September. Yeah. Actually, it's flattering to me that you think that I'll still be doing any of the things that I'm working on by the time this is ever heard or seen. That's pretty cool. I can't believe how much you believe in me. Ladies and germs, this has been another episode of Be It Ian. Thanks for tuning in.

We love you. Bye. Outro Music