Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Ep. 10 with Basement Carl

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

This was originally released only to the Paytch, but we have to introduce Basement Carl to the world! Ian and Carl talk about being a lab rat, backpacking with wild trail friends, and what it means to go "Bird on them". For more wackiness, please sub to the Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod Follow Carl Sonnefeld on IG @snarlincarl Ian is @ianimal69 on Twitter and IG

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know he means giving it, not getting it.

Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, an Ian. Be an Ian. With Jordan.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to America's number one favorite podcast, Be an Ian. Let's officially start this show. Far. Far. Wait. Tovar. Indeed. It's a Jewish so far. You're supposed to blow it and then say,

I think you're supposed to say like Tikah, but I say Tovar because that means New Year. The Haim all the way, you know. Shana Tovar. Well, New Year. I'm all the way, you know. Shana Tova. Well, you know, I would give the introduction, but I think it'd be a lot better if I let you introduce yourself. Everybody, we've talked about him on the pod. You know him. You got to love him.

It's Basement Carl. Hello. I'm Carl. I'm up from the basement. Ian let me enjoy the first floor of the house today, so I'm making the most of it, gang. Ready to go and have some fun. And now you see why we keep him in the basement.

He's a real barrel of laughs. Now, Carl, we've known each other for a long time. Why don't you just take us through how we met, our little kind of history, and then bring us up to speed to today on what your fucking deal is. Okay, fair enough. Ian and I met when we were in Vermont. I was living there and working as a comedian there.

So I had a bunch of shows, and then Ian came up and did a couple of them. And man, they were bad, if I remember correctly. What? Not you being bad, but just like the shows themselves. There was the one room where this room was divided in half. So you already had a disadvantage, but you know. Wait, where was this?

This was at Lincoln's. It was the speakeasy. Oh yeah. And you had to have a secret entrance to get in. There was a secret entrance. Great for a comedy show. You had to literally pull a entrance to get in. There was a secret entrance. Great for a comedy show. You had to literally pull a book to get in. Yes, yes.

And it was not set up for comedy at all. No, it wasn't. There were pillars. There were pockets of people over here. There was people over there that thought they were there for trivia. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was something. Yeah, that was where I cut my teeth as a Burlington comic.

Yes. Yeah. Wow. Lincoln's in Burlington, Vermont. Holy shit, you're right. Yes. We met there, and then we like- Did I stay with you?

I don't know if you stayed with me that time, but you would come up frequently and be at the comedy club, and then you'd stay on my couch. Yes. And my roommate had a beautiful dog, Alou. Oh, my God. That you fell in love with oh my god this angel i don't even know what kind of dog she was no she was big and fluffy and very friendly tell that tell everyone at home specifically we were told aloo doesn't warm up to people and did she oh she loved you and ian loved her yeah and now you know i don't live with katie

anymore but it'll be every time we would text uh before we live together you'd be like how's my sweet angel doing and i'd have to text katie and be like hey katie can you send me a picture of the dog in that guy who stayed on our couch really wants to check in on her multiple times i'd be like aloo how is she carl would have to say i don't live with her anymore yeah yeah i just thought it was carl's dog oh my god she was such an angel and she was so pretty and we would kiss and she slept on the couch with me oh it was so nice yeah well i really offered a lot of hospitality to my guests who were staying up there. Yeah. Would comics stay with you a lot? Yeah, it would be you.

It would be Renan Hirschberg with his CPAP machine. Hilarious. Just sleeping. I bet that beautiful angel dog didn't like that Jew. I don't know if that was why she didn't take to him. Could have been the snoring. Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. Yeah, they all snore. Right, Carl? Yeah, I've heard that, you know. This is how a Jewish the snoring. Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. Yeah, they all snore. Right, Carl?

Yeah, I've heard that, you know? This is how a Jewish person snores. That's how I knew Renan was safe. If I heard that, I'd be like, oh, yeah, he's resting. That's good. Renan, please don't kill me. If you see this, I'm very sorry. These are the Musavians.

Just run 10 feet ahead of him and I'll get out of breath and stop chasing you. Okay, so then I moved from Vermont to New York. Yes. We would see each other time to time around there. Yes. You were always kind New York. Yes. We would see each other time to time around there. Yes. You're always kind to me. Yes. And then over the pandemic, I had to move back to Indiana. Very sad. But but I was always wanting to get back here. And I remember. So the reason that we live together now is I was doing a clinical trial for money in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I had just been, you know, paid like five and a half

grand. So I was like, all right, I'm rich. Oh yeah. I'm still rich. So I was like, all right, time to post on the gram. I'm moving to New York. Does anyone have a sublet? And you hit me up and we're like, yo, do you want to live in my basement? And I was like, absolutely. Yeah. Do you want to live in my basement? And I was like, absolutely, dude. Yeah. Yes. Ian and Carl back again. Yeah, man.

Yeah. And here we are. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, I love having you around. You're a great guy. You're so fun. When I'm on the road, you keep Olivia company.

And that's nice. Yeah. You're easy to get along with. You're very funny. You're easy to get along with. You're very funny. You're handsome. Um, but in like a weird bird looking way. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yo. Okay. You kind of look like if an, if an Eagle became like a model with long legs. Okay.

I'll take it. You have a bird face. Yeah, I do have a bird. But okay. So when I was, uh, when I was hiking the Appalachian Trail, there's this big festival called Trail Days. All the dirty hikers get together and, like, do drugs or whatever.

It's basically a musical festival without music. So for that, though, I was on acid, and I was like, yo, I should go bird on them, which no one asked me to do. Wait, what does go bird on them mean? I'm about to tell you what it means. What the fuck? Well, I got real drunk and I was like, yeah, I'm about to go bird on them. And everybody around me was like, what are you talking about?

So what I did was I was like, well, it's a festival. So I ordered this feathered skirt online and it was like iridescent feathers that that gleamed in the light and then uh and then i got this i got this singlet to wear uh as a top but at the time like i needed it by friday and it was monday so i was trying to get a singlet that would ship in time and all the wrestling wrestling singlets they like wouldn't ship in time so then i i like started searching on like the gay part like the gay singlets on Amazon. What? Yeah.

Wait. Dude, those ship quick. Yeah. When you're gay and in a pinch. Exactly. Jeff Bezos. Wait, there's a specific gay section of Amazon? Well, you can just be like.

What do you just type in gay after it? I think I was like. Amazon gay. I was like singlets for men. And it would give me some of what I was looking for. And then I was like, fun singlets for men. And then it would give me more of what I was looking for. And the ship times matched out perfectly.

So this singlet, it had like the top of the butt scooped out. But, you know, I was like, we got to keep it. I don't want to be a dirty bird. No, no, no dirty bird so i put the dress on over it oh yes you don't want to be a dirty bird so i'll put my dress on over my assless singlet yeah exactly specifically for gay men no dirty birds here and then to round out the outfit and i will send you a picture and we can put it up in post. We don't have to. Go ahead. No, this was a fit, bro. I was going bird, you know.

And so I got these like. We're going bird. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. And everybody's like, what are you talking about? I was like, going bird on them. And so I had these pink flamingo glasses to round out. Just so people knew I was going bird.

Yeah, yeah. You got to let them know you're going bird. It was a festival, you know. I'm on'm on acid it's like let's do it so uh that's why i that i'm aware of my birdness is what i yeah but you still didn't tell us what going bird is all you've done is told us that you know how to get gay men's clothing fast yeah well uh there is really no meaning behind it you dress up like like a bird, and then people are going to look at you a little weird, and you go, go bird on it. And they're like, all right.

And that's it? Yeah, pretty much. Oh, my God. And no one asked me to do it. I was just like, well. Before Carl eats pussy, he goes, I'm going to go bird on it, and then eats a pussy like this. And then I take from it, and then I feed it to all my little baby birds.

Yeah. All my dogs eat with me. Oh, my God. That's how a gay bird does it. He takes cum and spits it in another man's mouth. Look, and I've been thinking this for a while. If you don't eat your own cum out of her pussy, you gay. What?

I don't know. Throw it out. Wow. girls going fang on them i can say it if it's your own cum it's like yeah look you like your own cum well when it's in there nah you you eat out a vagina after you come in it wow a little hors d'oeuvre good for you that's that's a level level I can't get to. Maybe that's what going bird on them is really all about. Wow. Talk about a bird flu. That's good cum.

Oh, I grew up on a farm. Can't let the cum go to waste. Come on. Yeah, yeah. You going to use that cum? Save it for later. We could use it for the bird. Uh-oh. I say you hold that in for later. We could use it for the bird. Oh!

I say, you hold that in there now. I'm getting down there. Wow. I will make out after I cum in their mouth and stuff. But cumming in a pussy and then licking it out, that's, I mean, you're spreading your little eagle wings and flying. Yeah, I mean, it's sex. What are we doing?

Let's get nasty. for you wow you're going hawk on them fellas try it out that's more like going vulture yeah i was about to say vulture as well it's more just like eating the scraps oh so oh here we go okay all right so a big thing about the medical trials is uh the doctors will like, and do you promise to not get anyone pregnant for up to like 60 days after we give you these trial drugs? Because it's like, well, yeah, sure. I loved it. But we don't know if it would affect the baby or whatever. So you loved what?

Oh, the drugs. OK. All right. Finish your little tale and tell us what these medical trials are, because I'm still confused. Okay, well, but it's like, they're like, yeah, yeah, make sure you're abstinent, and if you do have intercourse, use two forms of birth control.

So like, spermicidal lube and a condom. Oh, I thought he meant like, pulling out further and faster away. Pull out, even if it's anal. That's two forms of contraception right there. You want to drip, baby. Well, yeah, well yeah so i'm like well can't get you pregnant like a little boba get the boba straw be like hey now doctor said doctor's orders carl's former birth control suck in the comment I'm doing a part.

Woo. Wow. Carl, what are you doing? Having safe sex? Here, hold on. Let me use a straw. Woo. Yeah, it makes that noise. Jewish people suck to come out.

Yeah, that's right. That's what it sounds like if it's a Jewish woman. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, suck to come out. Yeah, that's right. That's what it sounds like if it's a Jewish woman. Ha ha ha. Yeah, you know. Wow. Okay, so explain these medical trials. Okay, so it's like the easiest way

to get a bunch of money legally, I think. You go there. All right, so for drugs, right? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Take us. Take us a step back. What?

What? What? What happened in your life to make you go? Just give me drugs for money. Well, I was living in Indiana and I was working at the butcher shop and I was like, I don't want serving up meat and fish to people. Were you cutting up? No, this was at a this was at a grocery store so like all the stuff pretty much comes cut oh and the only the only like so you're weighing it out and giving it to them yeah I mean just you're working at a

deli counter no it was the butcher counter okay the deli counter was way different oh okay talk to those guys. Yeah, we had our own little spot. But, yeah, I was, like, working there and just going crazy, losing my mind. Because everybody at the grocery store sucked. And I was like, I don't want to keep working here. How can I make money? So then I started selling my plasma.

But, Ian. I've always wanted to do this, and i've never met anyone crazy enough to do it it sucks bro why does selling plasma suck well okay uh for one your bones hurt after a while really yeah there's an anticoagulant that they use for the for the procedure it takes about 45 minutes uh so you're donating plasma and then um you're real tired afterwards uh and then like a long day of work at the plasma factory how much do you get for plasma it would be like 120 bucks for an hour but you can only do it twice a week and then uh you can do that you know i guess four times over a two-week span but i was looking it up

because i was like why do my bones hurt and so i was researching and in europe in europe you can only donate plasma once a fortnight but in america they're like four times what is a fortnight carl two weeks bro oh my god okay go ahead with your so with america because it's america and everything is uh wow shall we say capitalistic uh so are you one of those guys if you start pumping socialism into this house you're out all i'm saying is that in america we are donating plasma to like um sell to a world supply so they don't really care as much about like how it affects the donor okay they want the plasma yes okay you're right yes so you're uh well anyways the anticoagulant it can make you deficient in calcium so then it can hurt your bones so do you drink a lot of milk

uh well i'm lactose intolerant though so it's like whoa yeah big reveal wow all this time you're never here folks so wait sorry gang so you were donating plasma and when it makes your bones hurt what does that mean oh you just be like real achy like i felt like i was in a nursing and how long would that last i think well most of the entire time i was donating so it wouldn't go away after like 24 hours not really wow because yeah you're doing it so frequently right so you're just like brittle yeah yeah were you afraid you would break a bone or were you just achy i think before i did my own research because i'm a scientist you gotta do your the pandemic taught us we all need to do our own research so before that though, I remembered when I was.

I love how everyone's doing their own research on the vaccine. And you're like, no, no, no. I'm doing research on my brittle bones so I can give more plasma. See, I'm an outsider. Yeah. Before I realized it was the anticoagulant, I thought, well, I knew I got this weird bug bite on the trail and it like spread to my whole back. So I was like, oh, no, it's the return of the bug bite that's making my bones hurt now that I'm back in society and out of the woods. But I got to the bottom of it.

It wasn't the bug bite. Uh-huh. Yeah, it was the bones. Yeah. It was the bones. It was the bottom of it. It wasn't the bug bite. Uh-huh. Yeah, it was the bones. Yeah. It was the bones. It was the bones. It was the bones yet again. So then my friend Road Soda calls me up.

Wait, wait. It's his trail name. It's my friend from the trail, Road Soda. Great guy. You guys all love him. So you all have names on the trail. Correct. How far into hiking the trail

do you start naming each other well it's sort of like when you get a nickname you don't want in middle school something bad happens to you and then everybody's like that's you so what happened to road soda for him to get that name well he would always pack out beers and some people call beers road sodas yeah i yeah uh no i don't advocate for drinking road sodas on the road but if you're if you're hiking okay so that's how and then what was your name my name was not weird which i think we can all agree pretty normal guy and why did my nickname was i'm a normal adult human so at what point did they go okay this guy's name will be not weird okay so we had done like i've been hiking i think maybe like two weeks but i was running into all these fucking weirdos and it would be like a thing where you get to it weirdos that you would hike with or just

weirdos that lived in the woods it's hard to call like the first the first two weeks are wild man because it's everybody's everybody and their grandma's like yeah i'm hiking the trail so i'd get to the shelter and there'd be a guy there who is like, you know what? Actually, the Black Lives Matter movement is about advancing the gay agenda. Whoa. Which was news to me. We gotta get him on the pod.

Yeah. I wonder what his trail name is. Well, so there's like Grand Wizard. What do you think he would have done if he found out you were searching for gay men's singlets on Amazon? Probably would have tried to convert me to his sub Christianity sect, you know? Uh, but I was meeting people like this every, Oh, you know what? There was also another duo. These guys were from florida and uh and they were telling me you're not gonna want to move back to new york why because when the race war starts

oh wow it's whites versus blacks and browns whoa and then it's blacks versus browns. Oh, whoa. And I was like, wow, that sounds like a fucking Super Bowl pool. What was his trail name? Fox News. Well, so the way he said it, I was like, I've never met a white supremacist who is so pessimistic about the race war. Oh, my God. That's so funny. He's like, the whites will rise up we're gonna come together but unfortunately for us we are going to be losing to the browns

but brown is not black brown's got an influence of white so all the whites that do survive will be enslaved to the browns we'll be happy for it well dude yeah and i was like so y'all aren't even gonna make it out of the first round but dude and it's i think it's just because i'm tall and they all the weirdos are like we got to get this guy like they're god i know yeah and so dude for like two weeks i was meeting all these people and so when i went into a trail town and was drinking at a at a brewery i saw another like i saw a group of hikers and they seemed normal and young and so i walked up to them and i was like hey guys do you mind if i hang out with you um i promise i'm not weird by the way yeah which what i was just trying to tell them was like look you can trust me yeah 10 minutes into this conversation, I'm not going to tell you what the Jews are really up to.

You know, like I'm a normal guy. And then after about 30 minutes, they're like, yeah, you're not weird. I was like, all right, sick. Wow. And did you know about trail names before that? Yeah. Yeah. Did you give anyone a trail name?

I don't think I did. No, sorry. Yeah. What would my trail name be? you see that's the thing it's hard to predict you got to get out there and embarrass yourself and uh and then we'll find out i've certainly never done that so i'm good to go uh wow dude okay so when are you writing a show about uh a bird man walking the appalachian Trail and meeting these characters. I don't know, but, you know...

We're doing it. Okay. You live in my basement for a reason. All right. Now, you do all the work, and I will make it funny, and then I'll get the credit. Let's go.

Let's go. Yeah. I think we could collab. Yeah. That would be pretty sick. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. I'll be...

My trail name will be Take Credit. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. I'll be, my trail name will be Take Credit. Oh, yeah. There we go. My name will be Punch Up. Producer, man. Was it hard to not do the trail names in Native American voice? Because I would constantly have to be like, hello, I am Chief Not Weird. This is my son, Too acid yeah i see where you're

going with this but uh no it was not hard for me to not really wow my chief my drone name would be fun racism yeah well i got some guys from florida you love. I am fun racism. How does he get away with it? Hi, yo. Hi, yo. Yeah. That's great. I love that. What an experience.

So you're on the trail. You're not weird. You're hanging out with Road Soda. What are some of the other names of these characters? We got Studebaker. He was a hoot. He was this guy from rural Georgia. He talk like this?

My name's Studebaker. You're not... Yeah, I mean, close. He was like, yeah, man, I don't know. Pizza is crazy in New York. Yeah, man, I don't know. Pizza is crazy in New York. It's like, when we came in, we came into the city for a couple days.

I took him around. So we went to Roberta's Pizza in Bushwick. Oh, wow. Yeah, and he was like, I mean. Wait, how'd you get to the city from the trail? I think I took a train. Wow. Yeah, from New Jersey.

Like, I crossed over from New Jersey into New York. And you just had a backpack the whole time? Yeah, just a backpack. Wow. Yeah. Your balls must have been so stinky. I mean, yeah. That would have been my trail name, Stinky Balls.

Dude, we all smelled god awful. Wild taint. But we didn't know we smelled bad until we would get picked up. We would hitchhike. And then when we would get in a car and the doors would close we'd be like oh brother wow we got to get a shower yeah do some laundry how often would you shower probably like every four to five days whoa because it's not i mean being dirty is part of it and like getting covered in mud and dirt and sand and all that crap uh but you'd start to notice like your your clothes would soak up all your

salt from your sweat and then they'd get like solid like your shirt would be stiff yeah and then it would start to like uh scrub up against you and you'd see you get like salt burns on your skin it's a little nasty wow now road soda he did like 30 days without showering as just like a grease challenge for himself what yeah wow the tiktok challenge it never took off i mean yeah let's start it up the 30 day grease challenge 30 days can you beat road sodas record he must have stunk to high heaven he was bad wow but so he calls me and uh yeah the guy who didn't shower for 30 days called me and was like bro clinical trials and i was like i'm in yeah he was like dude i'm in baltimore taking cancer medication and i was like word and he's like yeah they're giving me 12 grand and i was like okay what yeah well then the wheel started

turning because he was doing that so that he could fund his hike for the pacific crest trail which is california oregon and washington so he's currently doing that now with his money from the trials do you have a way to get a hold of him? Uh, Instagram, but I mean, he's probably on a mountain right now. We got to get them on the pod. Oh, he would like that. Yeah. We really need to get some of these characters on the podcast. Stew to Baker, soda, butter. Um, who else? Butter. It's bug bite. Uh, let's see. Who else? Butter. Suds, bug bite.

Let's see. Oh, dumb horse, creature. Stubtoe. Oh, Frankenfoot, you mean. Yeah, you're talking about Frankenfoot. He was the guy who gave me the acid. Great guy. Dude, that was the crazy part. Shout out, Frankenfoot.

Frankenfoot is an old gay guy, and he was just cleaning up when he'd go into town. He'd just hit up Grindr, I think, and be like, oh, I got a ride. What? Yeah, people were into him doing the trail. They'd pick him up, shower him. They'd bone for a little bit, come back with groceries. Oh, my God.

So he was like the gatherer, and you guys were like the hunters. Well, yeah, it would always be a thing where it's like, we know we're going to town. Who's going to give us a ride? So it was a lot of hitching. So you were hitchhiking. Yeah. But along that stretch of like land, everybody around the trail knows it's hiker season. Like, cause people do it every year.

And a lot of the local towns are like sort of catering to the influx of people coming passing through well what were you so you just had a stockpile of money that you would you weren't like working at the time yeah i had like a debit card right right oh yeah i guess i was thinking of it in very physical literal terms i was like well no ian that'd be too heavy you want to get a debit card because that way your money is life you mean you're not carrying around money in a sack in my ass yeah yeah yeah oh that was ass bank that was our friend ass bank butt money yeah what my butt money's no good at this motel my money's kind of green i mean i know it's shit brown but uh wow so road soda calls you and goes they're giving me cancer meds 12 grand and you go sign me the fuck up kinda because i was in indiana and i

was like well i gotta get out of this plasma game right it's ruining me well you've already kind of you know dipped your toe into the medical field by the plasma so you weren't that scared no i was like anything's better than this yeah and then yeah i went out to nebraska and uh i did these trials and uh the one that i texted you from or like posted i'm coming to new york well wait how do you find these you just type in medical trials yeah there. There's a website called JALR.org. Just another lab rat dot org. What? It's pretty bleak, you know.

Oh, my God. They don't mince words on it. What? Yeah, we're not. Holy shit, Carl. Okay, so you saw this, and it was obviously like a geocities angel fire site you're like trustworthy well i was just like i've got to get out of indiana i've got to get back to new york it's where i want to be you know because i did the trail and then i went back to indiana

and i was like well this sucks yeah so time to time to get back, get rolling. I got new ideas I want to do on stage. And, you know, it was tough breaking into the very exclusive Midwest comedy scene. Oh, I can only imagine. Yeah. Wow. Took me five months to crack into Cincinnati, bro. Shut up.

Well, dude, it's, it's, it's totally different. Like the Midwest comedy scene is. Yeah, what's that like? Well, it's like, because I started in Vermont. And then with all East Coasters, it's like, well, we moved to New York. That's what we do. And then for people in the Midwest, it's like you started a local scene. You come up through the local club.

You make connections on showcases. Then you go up to Indianapolis, then St. Louis, then Cincinnati. So you're traveling around, and it takes a longer time. And I think people like to know who you are. They like to have seen you rise from where you started. So coming in all hot and mighty and dressed like a bird was probably not what all these Midwest bookers were looking for. dressed like a bird was probably not probably not what all these midwest bookers were looking for you know but also it's like what you're you're you're you're making your way to the big city

lights of cincinnati like what the fuck what dude it's like you know when you're in bloomington uh you get maybe up twice a week three times a week oh yeah i know so you know you try to do cincinnati one weekend try to do louisville. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, so you're going through these areas. It's not like, hey, I'm going to make my way to make it to Louisville and stay. No, no, because I was living with my parents in Bloomington. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Got it, got it, got it.

So, yeah, you're just, you know, traveling to go do. Gotcha. Okay, I thought it was like once I master these shows here i'm gonna move to cincinnati then once i'm the big fish in the small cincinnati pond st louis here i come gotcha they got a helium yeah yeah yeah yeah okay okay okay yeah but it's just i and i don't think well you know i would knew i was there but it was temporary temporary. And I'd already done shit gigs starting out in Vermont, you know, where you travel and, oh, good, we're in a whatever. You're taking an 11-hour bus to go to a speakeasy with Carl.

I get it. Yeah, exactly. So it's like I didn't want to start that all over again just to then leave and go back to it because I knew it was coming back here anyway. So maybe I didn't have the required amount of effort. So you hit up just another lab rat.gov. Dot org. Dot biz.co.

Yeah. And you, what happens? You just fill your stuff out and they go, Hey, go to North Dakota kid. Well, yeah,

you just look, it's a, it's a database so you can find cities that aren't too far from you I should have done the one in Cincinnati shit I was already gonna be there for the open mic but I was like no no Nebraska that's where I'm going so what what do you do what's this process all right so you go out there you do a screening and that's just to make sure you're not fly yourself out there i drove jesus i drove 10 hours to nebraska holy fuck you do the screening you pass your screening because that's just like well are they a healthy adult are they currently on like

drugs and so yeah pass very easily and then uh then you check in for your trial which with the nebraska one it was like i think i was there for 12 days 12 days and they put you up in a hotel or you put yourself up no there's there's no hotel here ian you're in the facility it's kind of like a little jail what yeah bro what you had a bunk bed no way yeah so you're living in a medical facility yeah for 12 days yeah what is your day like um well so the best day the most hectic one is where they give you the medication uh-huh because this is all like research and development so everything has to be like on the dot. So you'll take the medicine and within three, like at the three minute mark, after you've cleared the medicine, you then get your blood drawn. So they're taking, they're taking data, they're taking your blood

and they're really just trying to see like, okay, what does the active ingredient, how quickly does it get into his bloodstream? Uh, and then they'll do, um, um blood pressure they'll do your vitals and then they'll do an electrocardiogram ecg uh and then that process restarts every 30 minutes for about four hours oh because yeah i mean they're they have to map like how categorically like how quickly does it get in how long does it stay in when does it start to exit because you know they're working on doses and it's the first time they've done it with humans before yeah yeah like we got the rat data you know we've done it now we're gonna get the bird data yeah exactly so that one's a fun day but it's pretty exhausting uh and they do that you know throughout the day and then every day after that

you wake up you do a blood draw in the morning, and then it's like, all right, free time. And it's just you and like five other dudes who have no prospects. They've been doing this for years. And you just pass the time. You can watch Netflix. You can read books. You can work on your pilot. You can walk.

Oh, we had a courtyard. So you can walk in the yard yard which is also kind of like jail prison um is there any salacious test lab rape no not no not like that hooked up with someone in the lab center no i did hook up with a bartender though in town do they let you leave at night or you have to stay the whole time well let me tell you about this first and i'll tell you about that okay okay so there was this guy uh i think his name was gerardo and he had been doing trials for years dude he said he'd done over 200 medical trials 200 how much money do you think he made i don't know he has kids though wow yeah yeah you can support a family like an arm sticking out of their head like what the fuck well and you bring up a good point i hope he had his kids before he started the trials because if

he didn't then he was disobeying a direct order not to get anyone pregnant whoa could be a big scandal oh gerardo we are coming for you okay so gerardo had this, love interest in the facility. And so the thing with us, we were like sealed off. We were in a, because when we took, when we took the drug, it also had this small amount of radiation so that no more radiation than you're normally exposed to no danger to the, to the patient, but they would track in your stool and urine how much of the radiation you were passed. Right. So we had to poop in buckets and pee in buckets so they could examine it. No, it's very normal.

Guys, guys, this is a great way to make eight grand. This is probably a better setup than being on the trail. Well, I do the trail and I do the trials, you know? Trail trials, baby. Trail trials. You flip those valves, that's me oh my god so gerardo we were started we were in a closed off facility because they didn't want us pooping in real toilets because that's that's their data do that they need to save that data but so we you know the um they have like room dividers in some portions of

it like these flimsy screens so there was a little crack in the room divider and gerardo and his love interest would talk to each other through the room divider they were speaking spanish you know it was very romantic where they would like hold hands through it and like love each other and kiss and then gerardo was like hey can my girl like come in and they're like oh yeah i guess she can she can come in you can't go out so then like after day four or five it was just the five of uh six of us and her and you know they would pair off and go watch movies or stuff and hold oh that's cute it was really cute wow um yeah they should have done a trial to have him come in her and then you suck it out and

see how much radiation's in the sea dude if it would help me pass the radiation i'd do it so you got eight grand for that for 12 days wow yeah damn and so it was mostly just hanging out and did you have to be in regular clothes or like medical oh they give you scrubs so you know you wear that and did it feel dystopian at all did it feel like bleak at any point it was just very odd because you know like we know that okay so pharmaceutical companies they release drugs we know that part we see the ads for it and we get prescribed stuff but then you realize like oh there's all this stuff that goes into like like we see the finished product but there's like this whole process and other world of people who are participants in getting that stuff to the trial right um yeah you do get in there and you're like well damn i feel poor yeah but at the same time it's how do you like how are how are you so sure

that this isn't going to fuck you up medically for the rest of your life that you're not going to have these adverse side effects like aren't you afraid that like you're just taking unknown things into your body and it could have like a wildly adverse effect yeah but it's like, I don't know. I've done acid. So let's try out this thing. I don't know. I'm just like very, well, whatever. We need people like you, Carl. We need people like you.

Well, it's like shit's been working out for me so far. Keep the dice rolling. Yeah. We're hot. Yeah, shit will buff out always. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, man. Not only are you a bird, but you're bird brain Yeah. We're hot. Shit will buff out always. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, man. Not only are you bird,

but you're bird brain too. We need that. Thank you, Ian. How long are we at? Yeah? I think I would like to have you come back again. Oh, after my next one? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, which is on Tuesday. Oh, wow. Okay, all right next one? Oh, yeah. When are you doing another? Yeah, which is on Tuesday. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. Okay, because I want to hear more and more about this stuff, and I think you need to come back and tell more of these stories. Oh, yeah. And contact Shit Sandwich.

What was his name? Catfish. Road Soda. Road Soda. Get him, and maybe he can FaceTime in or something, and that would be really fun. Yeah yeah but tell us about your next trial and then you got to come back and tell us how it went okay so uh this one is for uh okay do you do you remember when trump got covid yes okay and then he like had to get um monoclonal monoc to get monoclonal antibody treatment,

which is where they take the blood from someone. This was before the vaccine was developed. So what they would, and they did this to my dad as well. And it's like, yeah, I'm glad my dad made it. But also that guy. So it's like give and take, but monoclonal antibody. That works. It works.

It worked great. It saved my dad and unfortunately saved Trump. But yeah. Anyway. body that works it works it worked great it saved my dad and unfortunately saved trump but yeah anyway well also at the same time it should be widely accessible to people yeah and luckily i mean it was for for my father so what we're doing for this trial is a monoclonal antibody treatment for the marburg virus vaccine now if you if you're asking yourself, what is Marburg? It's also a lot like Ebola. What? Yeah, bro.

So Marburg virus, you get it from like bats in Africa and like Southern Asia. And it causes hemorrhagic fever. So you like bleed out of your brain and die or whatever. But Ian, during the informed consent, hemorrhagic fever so you like bleed bleed out of your brain and die or whatever but but ian during the uh informed consent when i went to go screen they they said this so often they were like and just remember you can't get marbird virus from the monoclonal vaccine like don't worry but they said it like 20 times so by the fourth time i was like wait can i get it yeah yeah yeah

what yeah so wait i thought in a vaccine they give you some of the virus well they're giving me the blood of a guy who defeated the virus cool that has is from africa and asia and may have well it's other things to my limited understanding they're giving me some dude's blood but i don't know maybe it's more more uh it's good you have a limited understanding of the man's blood that's going into you well um i justified it this way because i told myself you know what though carl let's think about it this way if you were a bat researcher who was gonna go to africa they would do the same thing to you as like a preparatory thing. So really, if I just get in the mind of a biologist. Yes, which you're not, but continue.

But I have a bicycle, so that's cool. But it's like, which I bought with the money. And dude, and these shoes. Look at these shoes. I feel dizzy. They were made in Spain. And you're paying me rent, which is due today, by the way. I will get to it.

From your monocolonial fucking bat blood project. Yeah. Are you afraid at all that this will hurt you or kill you in some way? Nah, it'd be cool. Well, if I die, though, dude, look at my tape. It's like a pretty good tape. I get some good bits in there. If you die,

I'm going to be so pissed that you can't tell us about the trial. That would be the real tragedy. Well, you'll never guess who got Marburg virus. Who's got two thumbs and Marburg virus? This guy. Feel free to take my two Italian shirts that I bought with my medical trial

money. They're really good quality. I bought with my medical trial money. They're really good quality. You can have my loafers too. Oh my God. Holy shit. Ian, please. My dying wish is to put me in a gay man's singlet and drape my body in feathers. Bury me in the bird skirt.

Well, Carl, I love you. I can't wait for you to come back and tell us more um i am scared of you living with me after you inject this stuff into your body and somehow i get more burg virus yeah but but then we just trade blood and you'd be good. Remember? No. We'll get someone to do it. Yeah, it'll be fine. Look, infect me, whatever. Do not hurt one of my cats. If something happens to the cats, something's going to happen to you. Okay? And I'm going to get

fucking clubfoot and fucking knife wound from the trail to come and kick the shit out of you. Okay. A deal's a deal. Deal's a deal. He's on here, folks. Whoops. Carl, do you want anyone to check you out anywhere?

You'll be in Baltimore getting antibody tested coming up in the next week. Yeah. Check me out at the wharf. I'll be on the wharf, bro. And then coming up in the fall, I gonna be in arizona getting a uh they're gonna test out to see if skin is bulletproof uh i'm over to make it through that one yeah i mean i do comedy but it's only to support my research oh Oh, fuck.

You're the man, dude. Thank you, Carl. You're welcome. Love you, too. See you in the basement. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.