Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Ep. 2 with Jordan "Take me out to the Ballgame"

Episode Date: August 6, 2022

The friendship between Ian and Jordan is on full display as they joke about Ski Club/Fight Club, Ian's endearing narcissim, and a questionable little league interaction. For more, please subscribe to the Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live Alive Being Ian Being Ian Blowing of the shofar to start the show. Are you sure it's called a shofar?

It's called a shofar. Welcome to Be an Ian with Ian. We've got the cats scared under the couch. A film crew. I took the door off the hinges of the bathroom to make everything work. Oh, you did? Yeah. Only to find out we're never going to use this recording space again.

Were you going to keep it off for good? No. Just for today. You took all those hinges. Look, the camera's not even in the bathroom. Yeah, you're right. We didn't even have to do that. It's going to be hilarious when Olivia walks in.

Yeah, she's going to be pissed. Oh, my God god can we get does that camera move so we can get a zoom in on her yeah and see her be like what the fuck and she's such a sweetheart she'll go well it's fine and then i'll get a real talking to later what's going on with that blanket hanging over there well sound that's my office space and it's kind of turned into my hoarding storage area

and I put up a blanket so no one would see you there and judge me. Really? That's why you put up the blanket? Is that for sound? That's nothing to do with sound. I didn't want anyone looking in.

It looks like a trailer park kid's fort. You know what I mean? There's like a cigarette burn on one part of it. No, I don't know what that stain is on the blanket. It's not good. I think it's self-tanner.

Or no. There was some sort of incident. I think something stained it. I don't know. It looks like something on fire stained it. I should have done the other side. Whatever. Fuck, this is backfiring.

There's now more judgment. Look at the door to the Whatever. Fuck, this is backfiring. There's now more judgment. Look at the door to the bathrooms in the kitchen. The door to the bathrooms in the kitchen behind the cat wheel. You know? But what do you want? It's just another day in the life of being Ian. Meanwhile, there's an entirely empty apartment downstairs, prime for recording space.

And producer Jordan and producer Danny you guys didn't know about it till you had to use the guest bathroom for a pee pee. And it's literally perfect. Could have avoided this whole nightmare. It's not a nightmare. It's bringing us closer together. I can't even believe it i've been

saying this for so long and these guys come in here uh and also this is really not good for the cats they are scared under the couch one behind the couch all his little eyes are looking at me like help the other one's in the bedroom to be free, but he's still scared under the bed. You got to tell Carl he can't move in. Oh, yeah. And I got a guy moving in the basement. Carl Sonnenfeld. Kim and Olivia are going to have an affair, I swear to God. No, he's not her type.

Yeah, but he's got- He's tall and handsome. So what? No, but he's got a way. He's got a way. He's got like a hippie kind of way. She doesn't like that. Yeah, okay.

All right. Mark my words. No, I'm her type. You're not anybody's type. What? Jordan! I invite you into my home and here we are. You're like an oil painting

just like shifting chaos all the time. What? I am everybody's type because I'm fun, non-traditionally handsome, and I keep you guessing on when's going to be a good day and when's going to be a bad day. And I make up for it with good sex because I use that as a way of finding value

for many years of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. You just perfectly described me, too. Yeah, well, there you go. That's why we're such good pals. Jordan Jensen on the podcast you may know her from insulting everything about me it's so fucked up the other day that i canceled the show and they were like who who has the similar energy

of being completely out of control oh yeah dude thank you for that i was supposed to do okay she was supposed to do a gig in Jersey. Did you know about the, did you know what it was? No idea. No idea. I thought it was going to be a classic, you know, in their little golf club. No. That big room, the banquet hall.

You know what it was? It was at a place called V&V Adventure Farm. place called V and V adventure farm. And there was large bean bags in a corn maze. Cause it was a paintball grounds. They had a go-kart track. There wasn't even go-karts. They were souped up ride a mowers with the governor taken off. There was little,

uh, a tether ball court out in a field. I was on some sort of hay baler no you were and i yeah and i had you up on a tractor yes and i didn't find out that the gig was for a middle school fundraiser until afterwards when i'm telling women that they look like they plug their vibrator into a generator and that the fuck is the town looks like they believe in ghosts but not covet you know were there middle schoolers there or just their parents no but there was a young And the town looks like they believe in ghosts, but not COVID. You know?

Were there middle schoolers there or just their parents? No. But there was a young boy there that I started talking to and realized I shouldn't have been saying the things I was saying to him. But they paid you, right? They paid you, okay? Yeah, they paid me more than they were going to pay you. Is that right? Yeah.

Really? It was a nightmare. I was getting, there were more mosquitoes really it was a nightmare i was getting there were more mosquitoes and people with teeth i was getting bit i was sweating i didn't even wear pants yeah you had your short you had your wife i had a white beater and i was ripping six i don't know how dumb they were now i was in a higher tax bracket than them. And they loved it. They were all into getting beat up.

Some woman, I was like, you don't need Tinder when you got a corn cob in your pussy. She loved it. One woman was like, vaccines aren't real. The whole time I'm thinking time you were on stage while you were talking in the stage it wasn't a stage it was a fucking hay baler no it was a thing that okay have you ever been on a haunted hayride it was a thing that the tractor the wagon it. I was on a wagon. And they didn't have lights. So when the sun went down, I couldn't see. And I almost fell off the stage. The wagon.

Yeah. If it didn't rain, cars would have gotten stuck in the gravel dirt road you had to drive on to get there. It was a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. He hit me up the night before. And he's like, hey, are we still on for this gig? And I was like, fuck no, dude. It's been too long. The last time I did his gig, it was like, hey, are we still on for this gig? And I was like, fuck no, dude.

It's been too long. The last time I did his gig, it was like, yeah, it was for four lobotomized rural bumfuck people. I mean, it was just fupas. I mean, God bless them. Just human fupas sitting there. The guy, oh, look, it's my super, Jose. Speaking of which. That fucking asshole.

You know, one time I had a crack in my pipe. I didn't know it and everything was leaking. I called him on a Sunday and he goes, you know what, I'm on Sunday. I go, yeah, but I'm leaking. Everything's getting wet. And he goes, you know what, I'm on Sunday. Oh my God. Yeah.

What was leaking? My pipe got cracked. Oh shit. So I had to call another guy to come up. Anyway. So fucking. See when Carl's here, he'll be able to fix all that. Oh, basically Carl.

Without a shirt on. Yeah. No. Carl's converting to Islam and he's wearing a burqa around my apartment. Oh, God, we have to share a shower. She's going to see his glistening body. Oh, yeah, she is. He's and he does the hippie thing where he walks around.

He's like, what's up? He'll get he'll give her a hug every morning. Yeah, he's going to touch her. I fucking slug guys bigger than him. She's. I don't know if that's true. He's huge. That huge like a tree i'm not saying i won i'm not saying they went down at all you know i slugged him and ran at that time at the knitting factory were you there for that no what happened when i slugged a guy in the face why because he tried to whip his dick out

he grabbed the mic from meganley, stood on a table, and me and Scott Chaplin went up, and he dumped a beer on Scott, so I slugged him in the head because there was no security. And then I left because someone, his friend was like, you assaulted him. So I like fucking scoots cadaddled. I was like, I don't need this. And then a bunch of open micers followed him down the street and

apparently this guy was like an ex-israeli soldier and I called him when he wasn't looking because this guy whooped four open micers oh my god oh my god he took his thumb and put it in someone's throat you remember Momo Poojay? Woo! Bad idea, Momo. He did? Did he really?

He was like jujitsu? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. I stung him like a bumblebee, and I ran away. Yeah. The idea of you just hitting somebody in the side then just oh yeah yeah great nimash patel's like you better run holy shit i was like yeah you're right that's crazy yeah i've only hit somebody i used to beat up a lot of people at ski club when i was in

middle school what the fuck is ski it's like a trip that you would go on with school where you go skiing but i would just stay in the atrium and just beat the shit out of girls i mean you'd beat the shit it was just a fun thing to do that's what ski club was for me i never put skis on once you turned ski club into fight club yeah it was so fun wait a minute how did you get involved in we'd be in the cafeteria and i would just take like my drink like this and just whip it at their heads and then they'd get their whole posse and i'd be like let's go and we just fight to the death what yeah i loved it yeah that happened to me in college with a fraternity pike they all showed up at my door one night and i was drunk because they thought i was uh messing with one of their brothers on the elevator i'm gonna show the

other night there was all these fraternity brothers and I went one guy had like a busted hand because he like punched a mirror. Like SLC punk but then he was like I went to the hospital and got stitches and I was like you can't do that. You either you know what I mean you can't do that thing and then that thing. No no you punch a mirror and you stitch it up with

Yeah you bite the glass out. And I was like oh and then one of your boys I said boys or something, or buds, and they all chanted like all 100 of these fraternities. They all went, brothers. Like, incorrection to me. And I was like, Jesus. Dude, you got to be mentally deficient to join a frat in this day and age.

Like, it's pathetic. You pay for your friends. Or Jewish. Like I said, mentally deficient. What do you mean you pay for your friends what does that mean you pay to join the frat so that you have friends and they prey upon you you go to the mixer and they're like oh you'd be great here and they try to get you to join you pay like frat dues what's that secret one bone and daggers bone and skull no dagger and bone and whatever that one, my parents got recruited into.

They didn't do it, but they got us to do it. Yeah. Dude, these frat guys. So I said something to some guy in an elevator. He said something about some girl. And I was like, yeah, I bet. Or like, I like made fun of them. So they all showed up at my door and pounded on it.

And they expected me to be like, oh, come on in. I was all like fucked up. No, it's like you fucking pussy's 30 on one. Let's go. And I just started pushing through them like, come on in. I was all like fucked up. No, it was like, you fucking pussy's 30 on one. Let's go. And I just started pushing through them like a mosh pit. This guy's crazy. Did they get you? No.

Really? Yeah. I pass out on the street and they all saw me later and laughed at me. So I guess they got the last. That's fucked up. Yeah. That is the epitome of you. What?

Just beating the shit out of 30 dudes, but then fucking yourself up, like stubbing your toe and falling up. Yeah, that is the epitome of you. What? Just beating the shit out of 30 dudes, but then fucking yourself up, like stubbing your toe and falling down crying later. Oh, that is my... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I end up hurt. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, but if Carl tries to get slick, I'll fucking kick his ass. He's not going to try and get slick. He's going to be so sweet. Dude, you... He's going to be like, you're a beautiful person, Olivia. Why are you putting this bad juju on my apartment and my love?

Because I want you to mark my words. And then what? So I mark your words. I go, the words are marked. And then I'm miserable. And I got a guy living in my basement that my girlfriend's fucking up with. You're bisexual. You guys can do a whole.

No. Yeah. She's not into that. She might be into it. Come on. What? Who would not be into that? whole. No. Yeah. She's not into that. She might be into it. Come on. What? Who would not be into that? Me and Carl.

Yeah. Two on one. Get the fuck out of here. Fun guy and tall guy. What more could you ask for? Oh, yeah. That would be the goal. Oh, yeah.

I'll let Carl do a little reconnaissance and then I'll slide in and, you know, come in on the back end. I can't wait for Carl to move in. I'll come in and come in on the back end. I can't wait for Carl to move in. I'll come in and stick my dick in his ass. I'll fuck Carl. What do you think, Carl? Blow the shofar for triumph. No, but he's a good guy.

He won't do anything with Olivia. No, he wouldn't. He wouldn't do that. No, no, no, no. And she wouldn't do anything with olivia no he wouldn't he wouldn't do that no no no and she wouldn't do anything with him no we're gonna be a happy fit we're gonna be the parents he's gonna be the kid our son carl that's what happens when luke stays here oh yeah luke is like carl's luke 2.0 they're both human no carl's got some weird sexual. You'll see. You'll see. Already has a girl. No. Who?

Some girl that he hooked up with. He told me he's going away to see her. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I'm good. But Carl's going to get kicked out because we're putting the podcast studio in the basement. You can't. And one of the goals for Patreon is to give us enough money so that Carl gets kicked out.

Yeah. The goal is kicking out Carl. Kick out Carl and you'll have the budget mark going up and up. And once I get enough money to pay for the full rent without having someone live downstairs, that's a Patreon goal. Yeah. So I got it figured out. And then we'll have couples therapy goal for when he steals my girlfriend

and we have to get our relationship back. Yeah, and it'll be a new ding, ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be great. This is going to be fun. It's going to be fun. But I like the living room setup. For the podcast?

Yeah, it's got my cat shelves for them to not use because they're scared. Yeah. But downstairs there's room for like Ghostbuster stuff. Oh, yeah. Downstairs you can put a green screen up. We can look like we're driving in a car the whole podcast. Wow. Yeah.

Speed bump. Is this your third podcast? Yeah. What made you do this one? Just unbridled narcissism. Okay, great. Great, great, great. Self-obsession. this is just the one where you shoot the shit the rest of them have reasons shit you have sopranos sopranos you have bye guys where you don't talk about being bye that one's kind of

shoot the shit but we do news articles this is see i like it this is a comfort of my home this is hanging out it's gonna It's going to be a really big podcast, I think. Shut up, Jordan. You fucking bitch. Mike Racine is in here. He got COVID. He was going to come with COVID. Nuh-uh. Yeah, because he was like, oh, I didn't know we had it confirmed.

He was going to do Comptown the other day and bring his baby. Yeah, he'll do whatever it takes. This is Comptown minus two. Yeah, his baby. Yeah, he'll do whatever it takes. This is Comptown minus two. Yeah, this is C-10. It was you, me, Adam, and Racine. That was really fun. Adam's apartment is insane, huh?

Yeah. Jeez. How nice is this shit? That's fucking dumb, yeah. With Jose just looking into the window over there. What's up, buddy? This isn't all right. It's fine.

No, it's okay. Oh, I got into it with some black kids the other day what happened in like a good way i saw a guy jerking off by holding his dick skin he's holding it like as if it's a cat the scruff of a cat's neck like that yeah really pulling at it like that until it was nice and hard. Oh, really? Yeah. You watched it until it got activated? A hundred percent. I watched it go from a sneed. You could have looked away.

No, I was staring. Why'd you watch? What do you mean? Where was it? He was on the train platform and then there was a girl who was like looking at her phone and he was just looking at her

hugging at her until finally I grabbed her and I was like, dude, get. Was this on the sixth train waiting for the L? No. Oh, because I saw like dude get it. Was this on the 6 train waiting for the L? No. Oh cause I saw that the other night. Some guy was jerking off looking at a girl and I

got close to the girl and I was like I don't know if I should intervene now or if he starts like approaching. If he starts approaching her. I had water. I was gonna throw it at him like a cat and then I had yeah get out and then i had my bike chain lock that i was gonna hit him with if something happened but then i was like he's just watching

she doesn't notice this girl eventually eventually when he got rock hard i was like all right all right and i grabbed her and i was like come on and she was like what and i like pointed it and she was like oh thank you how long were you watching a man masturbate? Truly 15 minutes. Shut up. Truly. It was fully flat. I watched him. There was one guy just screaming over here. So then this guy was like, pretty sure we're in crazy town.

So might as well. Unzipped it. Pulled his dick and balls out. I thought it was interesting that it was. No, they always pull their balls out. Why do the balls? I don't know. But the balls always come out.

I always see him with the balls. It's always dick and balls. It's never just dick. It's crazy. And they have a big sweatshirt on, so they're underneath. And then they pull the sweatshirt up, and it's the whole salami and the meatballs. And why did the balls have to come out? It's really weird.

Just the cock. You don't need the whole thing. Yeah. But he brought dick and balls. Wow. That's been happening a lot. I've been watching videos of guys fucking each other on empty trains. Yeah, what's

Why are you watching that? See where not to go in the city. Yeah, on the subway platforms, on the train. They caught me. There's gangbangs on the fucking six train. Really? Wild that I can't stop

not watching. My lady like tug of war. I watched the whole time I was watching this guy. You know what was really funny? Balls and dick were out. Guess what? He had a mask on. Good for him. Because I remember because his eyes were like this.

Oh, God. And he was just like, he couldn't help it. Did you make eye contact with him? Oh, I was like this at him the whole time while he was looking at the girl. What if he was jerking off to you? You were a helper. Would you jerk off to this? Never.

None of this. Somebody got really creeped out the other day. They like accidentally checked me out and I turned around and they were like, oh, it's Jordan. No, really? Yeah, I forget. Oh, it might have been Ron. I did that with Eric Newman when he was in a suit the other night. I know it was fucked up.

Oh, yeah. I almost threw up. Him, he and I were such yin and yang of what each of us are. That night, he did a corporate gig for Jews in Long Island in a suit. You know, fucking nice event

space, whatever. All these people are rich. And at the same time he was doing that i was on a fucking tractor in a field of vnh adventure farm yelling at people without teeth in lawn chairs getting eaten by mosquitoes yeah he looked i wouldn't have it any other way i like i brought toby you have a suit yes one suit that i wear to both funerals and weddings yeah yeah it's a three-piece suit and i wear cowboy boots nice oh i also have a suit that i was gifted from when i was on the last og what's a gray suit it's a show on tbs i had to play drunk guy nice tracy morgan they let me

improvise it was awesome wow really yeah yeah i had one line and then they ended up giving me two scenes isn't that the one where you went way too racist remember the show you were on where they were like you're kind of a racist cop so then you riffed and like went way too oh yeah that was the one jordan filmed yes that was at helium jordan filmed a self-tape it's a heavy improv show the cop loves being a cop He loves the NYPD And like One of the lines

That I was supposed to say Was Cause dude Everything is turning Into a 30 Rock episode Legit the name of the show Was Sherlock Homies About a group of black

Like investigators That are at war With the NYPD For like solving crime There was a legit Tracy Morgan movie In 30 Rock Called Sherlock Homie What? Yeah It's insane with the NYPD for like solving crime. There was a legit Tracy Morgan movie in 30 rock called Sherlock home.

What? Yeah. It's insane. So I play a cop and one of my things was supposed to be like, what are you melon and Matlock's one? Yeah. So my line that I invented was, uh,

Oh look, if it isn't the colored Columbo. Oh my God. That's so good. Did they use it? No, I didn't get it. It was a little over the top. The colored Columbo. Oh, my God. That's so good. Did they use it? No, I didn't get it. It was a little over the top.

And. What are you looking at? The next guests are coming. Who are they? H. Foley and Kev Ryan and Cassidy Nice, you're going to need a bigger couch Yeah, you're telling me Well, that's why downstairs is better Because it's a larger space

Yeah But I like this intimate feel You can make it intimate down there Can we make it impotent? Intimate Woo! Can we make it an intimate feel yes yeah yeah yes and we'll be able to put up cool like posters and stuff yeah you want to help me decorate toby said he'll help me decorate toby and i had so

much see can we do this kind of stuff downstairs yeah like what there's nothing off limits downstairs why do you think that's that's what this There's nothing off limits downstairs. Why do you think that's what this podcast is? Nothing off limits. Ding. This is your close-up camera, by the way. Bing. Bing. Bing.

Bing. We're learning. Oh, my God. Has this mic not been on the whole time? Over here, dude. Oh, you are? Has this mic not been on the whole time? I'll be hearing it. Oh, you are? Because I just flicked a switch up. Have you been hearing me?

Poppy, can you hear me? Have you been hearing me? Much better now. No. No. No, it hasn't. So, all right. Be an

Ian. Is he on or is he off? His meds. Are one of these guys going to the show with us? Yeah, Danny. You're going to the show? We're going to turnstile tonight. It's going to be great. I'm bringing a fanny pack to put my glasses

in a holder so I can mosh. Nice. Do you think we're going to get COVID? Yeah. I've already had it nine times. Just don't test. My Aunt Linda is a nurse and she teaches medicine at a school in delaware and she told me to get the booster but she gave me a cheat on how to make sure you don't

get sick from the booster what is it okay hold on let me look at my text from aunt linda today's her birthday by the way happy birthday aunt linda shout 23rd. Okay. So the success plan is to be super hydrated before the shot. At least 32 ounces of water. Then once vaccinated, take Tylenol 1,000 milligrams and keep drinking lots of water. Everyone I've told to do that has done pretty well. Getting it now will not protect you for tonight. It takes 10 to 14 days to boost your immunity. Before you got here, I was going to go get boosted so I wouldn't get COVID tonight.

Just don't test. That's not how it works. I can't get the booster because I got the... When I got Moderna, every time I got my period, it was like 15 days long. Really? Yeah, isn't that crazy? A lot of women had that happen. I looked at Reddit, thousands of women. I know. You have a great joke about that.

No, your thing's about birth control. I have a joke about that too, where then if you ask a man why they don't get the vaccine they're like because the jews will control my thoughts true but then i have the joke about it being modernist the hufflepuff no no the one where it's like oh yeah yeah where johnson and johnson is bad because eight people got blood clots meanwhile every woman on birth control is like yeah it gives me heart palpitations but brian says condoms make him cheat oh god oh god i don't like that you couldn't do that no i um you know truthfully though i don't know if it had to do with the vaccine or not but afterwards i got like really depressed and what helped me get out of the depression was I would go around Williamsburg and cackle at civic Jews.

Stop it. Yeah. And the thing is, they can't make eye contact with people that aren't Jewish. So you can just get away with it. You are Jewish. I'd go up to him and be like, I want to wear that little hat. How many times have you? Is this?

These are all her jokes. What's one of your jokes? What's the one that I thought? Oh, yeah. If you're if you're if you're not fucking dudes, you're a bigot. If you're not sucking dick. I think that you should say if you're not sucking dicks, you're. You're a what?

You're gay. Was he? I'm not saying it. Oh, apparently I said that word a lot when i was in the field you did yeah i think i said faggot like a lot you did not i think i did yeah they probably loved it no and i was like wow who knew a field full of whites wouldn't like it when i say faggot i did the most woke show the other day i said hey sue's on stage and they clammed up really i was furious by the end of it dude i did a woke show legitimately

called the safe space comedy show right yikes all like black hispanic in the crowd the host went up legitimately hey everybody this is a safe space we want to make sure if anything is uncomfortable raise your hand we're gonna we'll make sure the comics know listen about that and then the comic black comic proceeded to legitimately shit on white people the entire time and his closing joke was he they it was a big thing like we don't want any hatred no bigotry no homophobia this is a safe spit no homos and um so his final joke was know, I always try to find the bright side of things. And, you know, Kobe Bryant dying was tragic, but at least he killed seven white people with him when he went down. Your first comic.

Oh, my God. That was the host? Yeah. I keep turning this off. Stop doing that. Why are you yelling at them? Yeah, you're right. turning this off stop doing that why are you yelling at them yeah you're right so he brings me up and i just ripped on it that it was safe space but let's shit on whitey fucking blah blah

and everyone like loved it oh good like i gave shit to this black guy and he was like digging it and then i gave shit to this black girl and everyone's like oh it's like oh can't touch the queen bee and they fucking dug that and i talked about sucking dick and they all clammed up. And I was like, oh, who knew the blacks would love me until I mentioned being kind of gay. And then their Jamaican came out. Jamaican me uncomfortable. The best that I've seen you do is on that rooftop when you were that there was a black girl and you were like, I love black girls. And you were like, they do not love me.

You started screaming about how you couldn't say that. You're like, oh, I'm not allowed to say that. I love black girls. I'm not allowed to talk. You almost jumped off the roof. Oh, yeah. And I said it'd be a win for BLM. Yeah.

Much of an ally. I was going to kill myself because I'd be one less white. Oh, yeah. And then I was screaming at the balloon. That was fun. I was breaking down you were breaking you were going through the breakup and you were so manic and it was so funny you were like calling to your dad on the train the balloon was like your lost childhood it was chaos i loved it yeah you did great yeah i need to break down more often yeah well now your life's all together and stuff makes it hard.

That's nice. You know, every time I'm going through a breakup I really crush. Yeah. It's fucked up. That's why I bring a Carl in so he'll cuck me with my girlfriend and I'll be funny again. I'm funny all the time! And now a message from our sponsor. Carl will be a good guy to bring in. He's a good riffer.

Yeah, we're going to have a segment on the pod called Basement Carl. Oh, and We're going to have a segment on the pod called Basement Carl. Oh, and we're going to call my mom at the end of the podcast. Are we going to do that today? Great. We should call my mom. Let's do it. You want to?

Let's call her mom. Should we do it now? How long have we been recording? 28 minutes. Save it. Is the mic fine this is fun this is fun

I wish I could smoke in here it's my place it is your place we're already doing this I don't want to mess it up today's the day to smoke if you want to because I don't have any shows. We're going to that hardcore show, so I'm just grungy. Dude, I am so excited.

I'm going to stage dive. I'm going to mosh it up. I can't believe it. I can't believe it's a Brooklyn Steel. It's going to be so many people. We're going to die. That's the thing. It is going to suck.

It's going to be fucked up. It's going to be so many people. We're not going to be able to move. I don't want to stand in the front because it's going to be a lot of tight packness. I'd rather be in the back and find a place that we can. You know where I like going is up on the balcony at Brooklyn Steel.

I've never been to Brooklyn Steel. What? I don't want to go on the balcony. It's fun. I'll go on the balcony. Because then you can see. We're just old now, so you can see the whole stage. You can see what they're doing.

Yeah, but I will. Okay, I'll go up on the balcony for a little and then i'll go down and we can watch you and then i'm gonna crowd surf and stage dive and try to grab the mic and sing are you really oh yeah i go buck wild at hardcore shows i'm i'm pumped to film it yeah i'm gonna be up what in the last show you went to um fuck i went to mannequin pussy oh that peach pit band came to my show and liked me and gave me tickets so i went to that oh nice that was at brooklyn steel oh we went to front bottoms but we didn't perform i left i mean we didn't dance we didn't go in the pit but you left i left immediately i watched it was fun

you you did watch their set yeah they're pretty good i like those guys they just had like this little tiny teeny bopper band up before them that i caught some of their fan base sucks was just young wet girls just so wet so wet slip sliding oh singing every lyric some girl was acting out a play in the front row. Yeah, there was like fucking moves and everything. Someone gave him a painting and he had to act like he liked it. Oh, they're like wet Hello Kitty girls. Yeah. You know what I mean?'re like hot topic residue they all fucking just left getting their ears pierced to claire's and then went to a front yeah i don't know how they still yeah

they're all their culture is from the mall yeah they're very they are mall people they're they love them they were mainly women but one guy yelled out in the middle of my set bring up brian and i was like who's brian he's the lead singer i had just talked to him i just talked to him backstage like 15 minutes i was hostile at that show dude the first band is a band called riverby they were great really cool i walked in the green room and dude there's a guy in a dress dressed like a woman but he's got like a five o'clock shadow they all got different color hair, haircuts. Like it looks like they just got run over once by a lawnmower. It's not good.

And I'm like, this is going to be a bad hang. These people are going to be like, um, um, um. They were so cool. Awesome. Were they young? Great. Young from Philly. Yeah.

Such a fun time. My initial like judgy instinct was way wrong. We had a blast. But it was so funny. When I introduced them, I said a joke because like their names were hilarious. Like there was a girl named Mole. Skillet or something. Yeah, there was a girl named Mole.

The guy dressed like a woman's name was like Kenneth. And then like there was a girl named River and someone else named like September or some shit. And then they had a guy named Doug. And so I was like, you guys, you know, my favorite part of this band is that they're all these non-binary fun fella girls, thems, and you know, they all have cool names. That like River and October and March

and this is Mole and here's Transton, but he's a guy dressed as a girl, and rounding it out, Doug. They were up for, I didn't hang out with the band at all. They were too young and frantic. I hung out with the dudes who ran the whole thing, like the big pizza beard guy. Oh, yeah. Did they give you your $100 stipend? They did. you know i got fucked on that yeah they gave you 10 bucks yeah

i get there there's multiple emails just so you know you get a hundred dollar stipend don't forget a hundred dollar food stipend so i'm fucking like oh there's a french restaurant downstairs i'm getting oysters i'm fucking duck confit yeah and so then i get there, and the fucking guy gives me a 10. I go, oh, I was supposed to get 100. He goes, well, I didn't think it was 100. And then everything left over gets doled out to everyone because the man wanted more pizza. I was like, okay. I mean, I'm not going to cause a stink over 100 bucks,

but at the same time, I was like. I went upstairs to where the front bottoms were. They had every snack. Dude, they had sandwiches, so many pizzas. They had so many snacks. And then downstairs in the fucking... Downstairs, nothing. Fucking touch-me dungeon was just like...

Yeah. Fucking scraps and like a rubber band. Yeah, non-binary people putting on makeup. Like, you're putting on a button, faggot. And I'm like, don't mind if I do. But... What were you going to say? I don't want to do it

open for banned I liked it oh dude they're too young at one point I got the entire crowd to pull out their phones and pop up pictures

of their cats and they like loved that because I did a thing on cat names and then a girl I moved on and she goes

my cat's name is Mochi and I was like and I don't really care right now and everyone was like oh no oh yeah totally they were like that real i walked out and they're like and i was like stop cut it out immediately stop i mean i was pissed out the gate yeah i was like just stop just oh i was such a rah-rah like yeah you have you're a happy person i don't know how you do it i was furious immediately really yeah they were squealing i was like oh i don't know if they were blowing smoke in my ass but they're like dude you got to open for us again like this would be great yeah i love yeah yeah

they were down but it was like i like opening for bands yeah i think yeah like i because like event like it's tough you got to make sure you just play to like the front half cause if you worry about people in the back they're gonna be talking and it's gonna like fuck with you yeah

but I dig it I think it's like a cool like cross whatever like I'm friends with that band Catbite and I have open for them and we've done stuff

we just filmed a music video together like I like the idea of like combining different groups of people together for you know like cause they're gonna get like fans through me and I'll get fans through them and for, you know, like, cause they're going to get like fans for me and I'll get fans for them.

And also like, you know, I think having the same, just like with comedy, like having the same type of opener makes the show boring. Having the same type of band open for you is like boring. So I think it's better to like, yeah,

I've liked doing it in the past. It's just when they're 16 years old. Oh yeah. Squealing. I feel so gay. I know. I know. They're all in like training bras and you're like,

yeah. And they're just like an old gal. Yeah. I wanted there to be some sort of like cross punk piece of shit that I'm going to make eye contact. Yeah. Or like someone that'll relate to some like feeling you've had other than like,

I can't wait till my tits grow. Yeah yeah i'm getting discharged for the first time yeah yeah yeah yeah like give me a crowd of people that knows the sad sweet taste of death i know i just wanted to turn back and do comedy for the stage hands you know what i mean it was crazy they were also just so incredible they were pumped to a degree that i was like you guys are yeah they're like They were also just so incredible. They were pumped to a degree that I was like, you guys are. Yeah, they're like jazzed on everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know. But it was okay. It was fun. Yeah. Could have paid us more. You're telling me. Yeah. Fucking selling out 800 things theater and they're like, here's a fucking sock.

Yeah. Cool. Can I get two? They're like, not in the budget. Is it a full sock? It's an ankle sock. Yeah, I don't know. Whatever.

It was fun. What was the other thing we were going to talk about on here? Oh, your little... No, no, no, no, no. What? We're not going to talk about that. I made out. I had a makeout set. I'm not going to say who it is.

No, no, no. We're not going to talk about that. About what? You got that made out. I realized I couldn't do that. I realized I couldn't just not say it then. Well, go for it. It was a good makeout sesh good good for you you think bad kissers know they're bad kissers you got to tell them i was a bad kisser someone told me and i got better really what kind of kisser are you closed

mouth too much mouth i didn't know how you were supposed to kiss just from the movies i thought you put your face up to them and go... You're a clothes kisser. This was in sixth grade. And then in... I used to have spin-the-bottle parties in my house. Yeah, same. I got in a lot of trouble for having a truth or dare party where I dared two kids to jack off in a shed.

That happened to me, but it was in a living room and it was all guys from a baseball team. Really? Did you get in trouble? Those kids weren't allowed to come around me anymore. Just emotionally. What happened? You asked them to jack off and you're I don't want to get into it.

Alright, so you've been throwing it around town. What's that like? What? what happened new segment let's call our mom. You just had a thousand miles. I'm so hot right now. Let's go to commercial. Blue Chew. When you can force a jerk off at a baseball sleepover. And you can't get hard because you're nervous.

Blue Chew. It'll help you stick your dick in a kid named Eric's ear. You'll never be able to watch Die Hard with a Vengeance the same again. I just watched a projector screen of horror World War II footage playing your pupils. a projector screen of like horror world war ii footage playing in your pupils i really got brought back to nom right there for a minute everywhere i looked i saw charlie that was one of the kids names got like a glassy watery watery film over them. Oh, my God.

Whatever happened, buddy, I think it might have done a lot of damage. I don't think. Ow. It was late to church the next day let me tell you that much okay oh dropped a pillow oh my god oh all right so ian was raped his child no no no, no, no. You've been making out. Fellas. How did you meet him? What's your process for standing up? Your rebuttal was,

your rebuttal was you've been throwing it around. Jesse. You've been slips lying up McDougal. Tell us about it. It's not like a dramatic fucking. You've been laughing. Snail trail from Crown Heights up to Queens. So you're a goddamn whore.

Enough about me. You're a piece of shit tramp. My side hurts. I'm gonna pee my pants. Okay. Okay. Okay. Be a knee.

I need a cigarette anyway may 23rd is a special day for you tell us about that you have fun in may always Always. What happens in May for you? We're going to have to cut all of this. Okay. What happened in May that makes you smile? Was it bad? Was it a bad thing? I don't want to get into it.

Let's just say I stopped playing baseball after that. Next spring I didn't sign up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's just say we all went to different schools after that.

Hey. I was no longer invited to play group. My mom also had to invite new moms to play. We're having fun. That's so fucked up. I don't know what happened, but mine was pretty dramatic. I made these kids. I didn't make them, but I dared them to.

And then they were never allowed to come around me anymore. Yeah, I know what that's like. And then they were never allowed to come around me anymore. Yeah, I know what that's like. I said that and he went, that's what happened to me. With the whole baseball team. That sucks. Okay. All right.

I'm sweating. Me too. This is great. So you've had. Go ahead. You. All right. I'm sweating. Me too. This is great. So you've had... Go ahead. You... Ask away. May 23rd special. May 23rd special day.

23 is my lucky number. May is my birthday month. And on the 23rd, what happened was I was tripping on acid. Hard. In Ithaca, New York. And then this guy passed me and went you're famous well when was this six eight years ago maybe I hadn't started comedy wow so why were you famous well then it started spinning me out your little ski stories I started freaking the fuck out for some reason in saying that just my side legitimately hurts like in my kidney

um and then i went home and i saw that there was like a page a picture of me this big on the front page of the ithaca journal for what i? I had built houses in Ecuador to help whatever. Really? Yeah. I helped do that in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Sounds like we have a lot in common when it comes to calamities. I was in an MTV documentary about it. Really? Yeah. MTV?

Yeah, it was called some spring break thing where we went to I can't find the clip. It's pretty funny. I had a chin strap beard at the time. I was ripped. I was wearing overalls all the time. I also went to Katrina. Really?

Yeah. No way. Wow. Well, I went down to New Orleans and they still hadn't fixed Hurricane Dammit. What? Does this bring anything back for you? What? Is his name Andy?

I'm joking. I'm just joking. I'm joking. I'm sorry, Andy. I'm sorry. Getting around. What should we call it? Yeah, United Way and MTV did a thing,

and I signed up for it where I spent spring break down there, but they didn't fix stuff that got hit by Hurricane Ivan in Foley, Alabama. So I had to go down to Foley, Alabama from New Orleans, fix those houses. And then a bunch of people did mold patrol. What the fuck? We went to Biloxi, Mississippi in New Orleans. Saw it was bad. We saw all the houses that were like help dying okay okay i i went to katrina

there were these two old guys one was liberal one was republican and their houses got all fucked up, and they were enemies for like 50 years or something. The Hatfield and McCoys. And then they helped each other build each other's houses back up, and they became best friends, inseparable. I drove around with them for days. No way.

Yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. It was really sweet. Did you stay in touch? No. They're dead. For sure. 100%.

Because FEMA gave them all that money but then they never used but then that's right yeah yeah yep when when i got there we had to sleep in a gymnasium and we all had teams and everyone called me delaware because they mentioned delaware like we've got people from all over and then they mentioned delaware and i went delaware and so that's what everyone called me. And we did a team-building exercise where you had to go on stage and, like, do some performance. And I lied and said I could beatbox. And they were like, okay, cool.

And so, like, they wrote, like, a rap. And they were like, Delaware, up on beatbox, yeah! And I just went, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, wicka, wicka, wicka. And everyone was like, what the fuck? how long did you do it did they like you afterwards were you the class clown growing up oh yeah me too yeah detention every day i got notes home when i behaved no yeah yeah yeah yeah like not when i was bad the default they would bring a deck of cards and give me a card every

time i got sent to the principal's office so and see how many i got by the end of the day no way oh that's great i lived in the principal's office dude my kindergarten okay so i loved batman i love the joker i used to go home from school and put on joker face paint in the mirror when i was little i like idolized the joker yeah yeah and so what, why so serious? That is so scary. Why is that scary? Imagine walking in on your fucking. My parents were the one giving me the makeup. It was like I was the one sneaking it.

One time my parents walked in and I had cut the face of a Barbie and flipped the head inside out and put it back on the Barbie. That's more disturbing than me. And then I had drawn a pig face on the inside out head. And I remember my dad coming in and being like, we need to get you help. That's way more disturbing than me. No, I don't think so. Joker face, a little kid?

The Joker was fun. No, the Joker was an insane asylum guy. I didn't know that. I was like in kindergarten. I just thought he was a fun guy that liked to laugh. I didn't know that. I was like in kindergarten. I just thought he was a fun guy that liked to laugh. I'm never having kids. So, he was like my idol. And my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Fano, showed us pictures of her at her daughter's wedding.

And I raised my hand. I said, Mrs. Fano, you look like the Joker. And she called my parents to get me taken home. And when they sat my parents down, my dad, instead of scolding me, was like, guy got a point. Yeah. Look at her. Look at this ugly bitch. Yeah.

My parents never cared. And I was like, well, I'm trying to tell you that that's nice. Yeah. Because I like the Joker. I love him. Yeah. And she took it as an insult and then whoa i had to get taken home and in preschool i got taken home because i was a kid that bit other kids i believe that i believe that i was the biter i jumped the fence once and ran

home and they called my mom and they were like i ran home and they were like where's your kid and she was like she's right here she's with me and they're like well she just left school and they're like yeah and and my mom i remember being like have you seen her because i was like really fat and she was like that was good that was good that she just walked all the way home that's the furthest she's walked in her goddamn life and i was about kids and they're like i would always my mom never gave a i remember one time i was like we lived at the bottom of the hill that little rolly ball. Yeah, it just ran all the way down. Yeah, the mile run.

Did you have to do the mile run? In kindergarten? In elementary school. We had to run a mile every year. I don't think so. Oh, my God. That was my nightmare. We had jump rope for the heart.

I literally became a goth kid so that when it looked like I wasn't running, it wasn't because I was fat. It was because I was, like, rebelling. You know what I mean? Yeah. It worked out. The trip pants, you can't run in those. Well, I went to preschool down the street from my house.

Me too. And I just left one day and walked home. Yeah. My parents flipped to shit. I shit my pants in preschool. A woman helped me. A woman helped. I was like, I shit my pants.

And this woman helped me deal with it but then a few years later she died and i was so sad about it but i couldn't everybody's like did you know her and i was like yeah but i was like i couldn't be like she helped me with my shit my pants it's like when your mistress dies and you can't yeah properly mourn totally exactly let's call our mothers. Should we call my mom? Should we call my... Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Whoever wins calls their mom.

Ready? Ready? It's rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Gail. She might be asleep. Gail keeps weird hours.

She stays up to like 8. Why? Hey. Hey. Freak. Hey, Mom. How did you know I needed to talk to you? Oh, you do?

Why? What's up? I just wanted to say I love you. Aww. Mom, I love you too. Oh, aren't we just adorable? Uh-huh. We are so lucky. We really are. She just says the end we are you're the best i love you you're the best thank you i love you too oh that's nice mom did you hear noise in the background of

my phone call no that's because you're live on my new podcast, Be An Ian. Be an Ian. Be an Ian. Your little shit. Mom, I've got Jordan on the couch and producer Danny and man Jordan. Hi, guys.

Hi, Gail. Hi, Gail. Hey, Gail, do you remember when Ian had the baseball team? Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Do you remember? No, she's not saying anything. What she did? No, no, no.

Remember when I walked home? Do you remember when I walked home from preschool? Oh, do I ever. Are you kidding me? Yep. How old were you ever are? Are you kidding me? Yep. How old were you? Preschool. You were four, I think.

Yep. Do you remember when you... All right, Mom. Mom, I gotta go. Joker makeup. Joker makeup. Oh. Do you remember when I put on Joker makeup

and told Mrs. Fano she looked like the Joker? We had to come pick you up at school. You got thrown out for the day. Because you called her the Joker. Because I called her the Joker. I thought it was a compliment. Yep. Because you went to the Joker

at the time. Yeah. Now, here's the thing. Jordan says that it's disturbing that I used to put on Joker face paint after school. at the time. Yeah. Now, here's the thing. Jordan says that it's disturbing that I used to put on Joker face paint after school. Well, not in your mind it wasn't disturbing,

but if people... It didn't scare you that your son was dressing up like an insane asylum? I knew you were solid. I thought it was a little disturbed. What about when I went in the stroller

on the boardwalk and stuck a fake knife in my head and pretended I was dead? Oh my god. The looks we got. And then we were just cracking up. Did we have like a little bandana or something on your head? Oh, yeah, it looked like blood.

Oh, fun, fun. Good memories only. You used to love, in fact, remember I had to bring that tall mirror downstairs because you were always upstairs looking at yourself. And now there's eight cameras on you on a podcast called Being Ian. What is wrong with you? And he would stand in front of it and put makeup on. And if he fell or something and got hurt, he'd run to the mirror and cry.

Oh! All right, Mom. All right. All right. All right. What is that? You're on air. If he got hurt, he would go cry in front of the mirror like in an Alanis Morissette video?

That's so true. All right. All right, Mom. It's called be me and not embarrass my son. Alright, alright, mom It's called being Ian, not embarrass my son I can imagine you crying in front of me Just seeing how beautiful you look And your vulnerability

Well, one time I cut my head open Am I bleeding? Alright, alright, alright Alright You've been on being Ian Alright, thanks for calling in Alright, love've been on B&E Alright, thanks for calling in Alright, love you mom, bye Love you too

Bye Love you, have fun Alright, say goodbye to Jordan, Guy, Jordan and Danny Bye Gail Bye Love you. Have fun. All right, say goodbye to Jordan, Guy Jordan, and Danny. Bye, Gail. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh, enjoy.

Okay, yep, bye. Bye-bye. All right, well, that didn't go as planned. That was a segment called Calling Gail. All right, let's wrap this up. I saw Foley's fat head walking on my block because he's coming in for the next episode. Just this humongous man in a Hawaiian shirt, sweating, looking lost.

All right, Jordan, anything you got a plug um no i'll be in vegas and then la in june follow me on instagramth royal comedy theater toronto canada june no july 22nd 23rd hilarities i'm gonna be headlining on my own i might go you gotta let me know so i can tell the fucking guy i might go jesus get that's an off-air I'm also going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina Cleveland, Ohio June 25th No Columbus, Ohio June 25th At Natalie's Grandview two shows

June 25th June 17th and 18th Royal Comedy Theatre Let's sell it out Toronto What's up Thanks for tuning in I love you this This is so fun. Yeah, it's great. I don't think anyone likes that part.

All right, thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. We'll see you next time.