Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Ep. 5 with Lenny Dykstra and Stuff Island "Lenny Island"

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

Folks...good luck. Lenny is on the loose and its a Delawre Den Doozy!

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know he means giving it, not getting it.

Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. What is that? Hold on. I'll get it.

That's the blowing of the shofar. Wait, is that how you start shows? Well. Like this. Dude. The king of ska. Welcome to P&E. It's everything I thought it would be so far.

That's good, right? Yeah. You bitched about the fucking lava lamp not working for 25 minutes. The producer's ripping his nuts over here. Did you get it working? Nah. Well, this motherfucker stayed here last night, and I got Carl living in the basement, Basement Carl. Carl's gone.

Oh, I thought this was the guy you were talking about. No, no, no. This basement, Basement Carl. And Carl's gone. Oh, I thought this was the guy you were talking about. No, no, no. This isn't Basement Carl. Oh. This is producer Jordy. I know, Jordy. That's why when I met you, I was like,

this guy's got his shit together. Why is he living in your fucking basement? Yeah, well, Carl's gone. He's got all these cameras. This is nice shit. Sell one of these cameras. Get yourself an apartment. And then I was literally like,

why'd you say he was a comic? And you're like, I don't know. No. I was like, you just'd you say he was a comic? And you're like, I don't know. You just said he's a different guy. No. I said this is Jordan, the producer. Anyway, look, Basement Carl's gone.

He gets medical tested every once in a while. And he's getting tested for Mars fan disease. What is it? Mars virus? No, this new virus in Africa that's like a... I feel like you should be telling your guests something like this. In an offshoot of Ebola. Instead of taking my fucking shoes off and getting these weird fucking Asian shingles.

Tell me I'm around the fucking disease. I have a rule in my house. You have to lick the tile. Jesus Christ. Marsburg. That's the name of the virus. Marsburg? Yes. So he gets vaccines's the name of the virus. Marsburg? Yes. So he gets vaccines.

They test it on him. And now he's going to save like three lives in Africa, which is good for, you know, imaging. Oh, so he's not getting tested for having the disease. No, no. He's an experiment. This is why you can't do podcasts before 3 p.m. Also, you're so bad at explaining things Jesus

We literally were waiting outside You locked yourself out of the apartment And we were like Is someone in there I live with a comic Carl Which was less time than waiting for the call No you didn't Check your text

We waited at least 10 minutes For you to open your front door Now you start to live in reality how long did you wait at least maybe 90 seconds yeah yeah yeah no no no no yes yes that is not true now tommy's not used to being up before noon yeah tommy's on vampire time fucking okay now here's this sucks what it's just talking to people before fucking 3pm I thought you meant us hanging out Oh no this rules It really does

I like this place Try the fucking horn again we'll start over So here's the thing Here's why I locked myself out Here's what Chris please What's the banging outside, too? Oh, can you hear that?

Yeah. Yeah, the guy's taking a pickaxe to concrete. Can we hear it? It's like a group of high schoolers trying to do their first show. It's a hundred degrees outside. You have the window open? Well, he's going to smoke his dick off. Oh. Alright, now here's the thing. Here's why I was

fucking, I locked myself out. I'm a little jumbled. Chris. There's something wrong with my shafar. Is this how every episode goes? There's something wrong with my shafar. Hey, Chris, hold on. Let me call my mustache. You better, dude.

Shut the fuck up. You never played the fucking trumpet? No, I had a trumpet player in my ska band. I played the guitar. You were in a ska band? The skinflip. Now, here's the thing. Fucking A, baby.

The reason why I'm a little out of sorts is because there's someone coming over. It's a big day. It's a big day. You're dropping your elf bar. What's it called? Is that the one you stole from me or is that the one I got? You fucking drunk? You stole one and then I got you one. Am I short?

You fucking drunk? Can you see them? Really? Yeah, I can see my camera. Five inches are way too short to sit down with well you know what it's 90 fucking degrees you gotta it is apologize we may bring a fan down here no it's nice nice okay it's good now here's why i'm wearing this shirt this jersey number four because we have a special guest coming today the one the only lenny dykstra we called him on stuff island on a whim he hung up on me and i kept talking yeah and then i talked

to him afterwards multiple times and he is now in an uber headed to my fucking apartment yeah you better learn how to play that fucking horn. Yeah. You just gotta go Oh, dude. He loves Jewish things. He will flip over the shofar. Wait, is he Jewish? No, but he

in prison he converted I think. We'll hear this story. What? This motherfucker on the phone today while he's waiting Never heard someone

converting to Judaism for prison safety. No, they were the most dominant gang. They were the most dominant gang. It's probably the most dominant gang. They were the most dominant gang. It's probably to get more snacks, not get safety. I was talking to him. He's on the Uber on the way here, and he goes, all right, bro, bro. So on the podcast, is there pussy and cussing?

And I go, yeah, man, you can say pussy and you can cuss. And he goes, great. I'm going to bring my teeth. Wait, you don't think he thought that there'd be chicks here, did he? That's probably what he meant. Well, Tommy, you better tuck it back. You're the closest he gets, dude. He'd tuck it back in Tommy.

Yeah, no, you can say pussy as much as you want. That's why he got a hotel room. It's just us three sitting in a basement smoking cigarettes. He takes a showing up to a suck off. I'm wearing your jersey. He's going to shove that horn up his ass and jerk off in front of us. Fuck, he texted me. Okay.

All right. He's on the way. Let's see where the Uber is. Oh, my God. Yo, do you realize that this motherfucker, I used to carry his baseball card in my wallet. Why? Because he was my childhood hero, man. Yeah.

He was the guy in Philadelphia. Grit. Dalton. Dalton. I mean, Macho Ro. But on top of it it the way Nails played and just fucking threw himself into the wall worked his fucking dick off

that like represented Philly like hard nose fucking blue collar and I loved it he was the fucking best do you think he roamed around with like the modern day not modern day let's say like 2000 early 2000 Phillies when he like fucked off like went around town he roamed around with like the modern day not modern day let's say like 2000

early 2000 Phillies when he like fucked off like went around town like Pat Burrell's a pussy hound you think he's eating pussy with Burrell and Jason Ward at fucking in Center City tearing it down while he's taking his teeth in and out dude fucking getting arrested

for fraud I don't want to ask him this, but didn't he have Wayne Gretzky's mansion and then it got foreclosed on and before he left he shit in the living room? Yeah, dude. Can he talk about all this shit or is it still in like... Yeah. Well,

I think he can. And we might have to go in and do some editing. Yeah, that's alright. Let him spew. But whatever. Dude, his book, House of Nails, it's insane. Honestly, if I foreclosed on Lenny Dykstra and he only took a shit in the living room, I'd be like, that's not bad.

You want a bite? No, I'm good. It's getting off easy. No, I'm good. I'll save it for nails. Well, I'll tell you this. good. I'll save it for nails. Well, I'll tell you this. He, like,

so when he retired, he bought a bunch of car washes. And then he became like a financial whiz. And that guy, Jim Kramer. Nothing says financial whiz like car wash. Empire. Everybody's got to wash their cars. Funeral homes. It's a guarantee.

It's never going away, Tom. They all went bankrupt immediately, right? Yeah. In California, there's a fucking drought. People are going to be washing their cars. Oh, that's where they were in Cali? Yes. They should have put them in Jersey.

Yeah. Well, he ended up becoming some financial success and Jim Cramer, what was his show? I fucking hate that dude. Mad Money. He sucks. Mad Money. He was like? I fucking hate that dude. Mad money. Yeah, he sucks. Mad money.

He was like, this is the next financial god or whatever. And he had a magazine called The Players Club. Dykstra bought Kramer a hooker. He's like, this is going to be the next thing. This guy, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., Lenny Dykstra. I bet Kramer had pussy when

he showed up. None of this whore shit hey Lenny my phone turns into a knife wait wait wait where's the girl that's gonna suck

suck my dick where's the girl that's gonna suck my dick I will why is there a lava lamp where if it

the amount of people that had the amount of producers that had to on the phone with Lenny Dykes to go like no Len there's not gonna be any pussy there's no pussy it's a financial show producers that had to on the phone with Lenny Dex to go like, no,

Lenny, there's not going to be any pussy. There's no pussy. It's a financial show. It's a financial show. It's CNN, not the Cundi network. He's chewing on the doorknob outside.

He doesn't know how to get in. Lenny's chewing on it. Did somebody let him in, please? He comes in, he starts dragging his ass around the apartment like a dog. There's just a dude pushing his cage. That's how he goes through every door, just running and sliding.

Can you slice through a cat door? That's why his back's all fucked up when you move on the way home. Every time I see a cat door, I just say, slide, slide. I slide. Covered in kitty litter. He thinks it's dirt. Sliding your cat boxes, dude. Fucking head first into a kitty litter box.

Oh, dude, how great would it be if I had my cat down here? It's going to be great when he watches this back. The front end is just 30 minutes of shit. It wasn't pussy. We love him. I'm going to give him my cat and be like, here's your pussy. And then he's going to knock me the fuck out. Dude, if he's allergic to cats and can't do it, I would cry.

We're so close to the finish line. That dude is not allergic to anything. There's no peanut allergy in that fucking body. I know that. Hey, I bet he's allergic to alcohol because every time he drinks it, he breaks out in handcuffs. How you doing? How are you doing? By the grace of God, I'm 70 years sober.

Hit the horn after a joke like that. Wouldn't it be great? Here's a prank. Let's tell him it's an intervention. He wouldn't give a fuck. No? No? He'd be Googling bars by the time you got done your first sentence. Oh, dude. I need a beer for him. If we look to have a beer

with him. Yeah? Yeah. There's beer in the fridge. Oh, nice. Oh, is there? What is it? What if he's sober? It's alright. I'll still have a beer for him. If we look to have a beer with him. Yeah? Yeah. There's beer in the fridge. Oh, nice. Oh, is there? What is it? What if he's sober? It's all right. I'll still have a beer with him. I'm sitting right next to him. Sober and camel crushes?

If he wants hookers. Yeah, dude. I don't think so. Is it the same thing with like marriage and camel crush? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. Having custody of your kids? Yeah.

Camel crush? Camel crush comes with a Camaro with three wheels. There's not a fucking happy lifestyle. Nobody has to do shit together and says, can I get a pack of camel crush there when I get there? I can't wait for Letty to be like that's the fifth time I got chlamydia I'm like yo I will go on

eros.com right now and get him a hooker yeah 100% do you like old school Bob Marley like Nesta those albums one cup of coffee I like Desmond Decker Joe, do you like old school Bob Marley like Nesta? Those album One Cup of Coffee? I like Desmond Decker Bob Marley's alright I appreciate and respect but I haven't gotten that deep

into the Bob Marley catalog I wouldn't be opposed to listening to it yeah he's got like an old school it's like the Beatles when they played like pop bullshit yeah which all those songs I love He's got like an old school It's like the Beatles when they played like pop bullshit Yeah Which all those songs I love You love poppy Beatles

Yeah Really? Why not? Jesus Christ It's been a hard day's night I'm gonna kill that fucking You don't like the fucking Beatles? I don't like any of this shit

Bob Marley? Jordan where's my taser? You gotta be in a A canopy or some shit Smoking beers With sand in your toes Smoking beers Yeah There's nothing better

Than when you find a subject How he doesn't have the words To insult Yeah I just get violent on myself He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it

He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it

He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it

He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it

He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it

He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it

He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about it He's mad about Yeah, you know you laying on a mirage I Truly was fist-fighting in my head. I was

Hey Chris Chris bring up Bob Marley again fucking probably shit. Hey, Chris, Chris, bring up Bob Marley again. Holy shit. No. Hey, Lenny, Lenny, take out your teeth and suck me. Where'd you get this table? Is this on the street? Dude, this table used to be ours in the apartment.

My longtime best friend, Jared, God rest his soul. He's not dead, but I want God to take care of him. He's the one that left the shofar here. This used to be our table. He took it with him. Getting a new table. He lives around the corner.

The day we were talking about tables, he goes, hey, you want that table again? Boom. Nice. Are you going to get rid of that? There's that Coke stain. It's going to get Lenny all fired up. Oh, shit. There's a whole bunch of coke on the end.

He's just ripping drywall. We're like, yeah, we got it. Where you at, Len? I know what episode that was. Tommy. Uh-huh. Yep. Got a story myself off air. Get into it. I can't. Why? Take care of it in the edit.

Yeah. Say what you got to say, Tom. Go into it. I can't. Why? Take care of it in the edit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Say what you gotta say, Tom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go for it, Tom. Jory? I don't know what you're talking about. Alright, neither do I. What are you talking about? Shut up, guys. Why won't you talk about your cocaine habit? It's not my habit. It's a night we had

with a similar guest. Yes. And there was some, you know, we mistook coke for drywall. That's happened. Drywall for coke. Yeah. Because pickaxe out back, I can't fucking, dude, I should have said anything. Is that really dried cocaine? Definitely.

No, it's fucking, I hung the TV. It's fucking drywall. Sniff it, Chris. Do a gummy. It's drywall? My tongue's numb. I've never done drywall before. That's true.

Detective O'Connor. That's drywall. You feel like swinging a hammer and calling your dad He immediately goes up there with the worker You guys need help? Oh my god It's amazing to me How life works out First of all You were in this apartment

years ago. Yeah, it had to be like six years ago. No, bro. Really? This is 2012. Wow. Yes. That's 10. That's 10 years. 10 years ago, who'd you give a haircut to in my backyard? None. None. Yeah. That's right. John Nunn. We came back at like 3 a.m.

Ripped. And I'm like, I got a back door. Let's hang out. We go back out there. I got a back door. I got a back door. You want to know? I can look at the back door.

We all just fall out a window. Good enough for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to see this door. So we are out back. Fucking Tommy's cutting nun's hair. We're laughing. I had two guys living down here at the time.

You heard that pickaxe. Imagine 4 a.m. drywall coked up fucking Tommy and John Nunn. Tom Cassidy was there too fucking getting a haircut. The buzzers going ripping on each other and I'm just here. Ian, Ian, get out of the backyard!

They're like, it's disrespectful. I'm like, I live here too and they're like, it's disrespectful. I'm like, I live here too. And they're like, not for long. And I'm like, never again. Didn't your roommates hate you too? There was like two old roommates that you had? Well, they hated me because I was a fucking drunk. And I was coming back here a fucking mess, knocking shit over.

I like to think that I got you and Nunn sober. Because we used to go at it. Nunn was the same way. We used to go to that shithole bar in lower east side oh yeah remember it had like dollar pitchers dude me david adjicum and none drove for some reason god blessed me whenever i was with none because it was always drunk driving time just zooming around the fucking god bless village dude during the blackout of hurricane sandy me and none got. We're on Edibles

listening to the new Kendrick Lamar album, driving in the dark. Pitch darkness in the Lower East Side, coming off Williamsburg into Manhattan because every power line was out from 14th Street down. And we're just fucking zooted driving around. It was

like a zombie wasteland. There was nobody out. It was fucking wild. And then we go on a road gig like a week later and none, I pick him up from his fucking bike shop and he has two fucking six packs. And he's like, let's go. And I'm like, all right, let's crack them. And so I, he drank, I had one or two. And then on the way home, I was like, oh my God, let me go to waste. So I was just fucking ripping them on the way home. And then this motherfucker calls me and he goes, hey, did you drink that whole, the rest of those beers on the way home?

I go, yeah. And he goes, see, I told you, I told you. And all these people were laughing at me in the background. It was like Shaner fucking six and everything. And I'm like, you piece of shit. You got to shame your friends, man. Yeah. You got to shame your friends.

I kept drinking. How long did you drink? When did you get sober? Like two or three years ago? No, seven years ago. I don't know time. Your concept of time is so off. You're like, I was sitting outside for 25 minutes. It was three. You're at the wrong apartment.

I actually don't even know how long. We were talking about this. I don't know how long I've been here. I think like nine years ten years in this room ten easily ten New York no no no

you were back and forth yeah and you moved here in no you moved here I think in 2013 yeah yes

and your first night here we got a big thing of coke at the Village Lantern you called some girl some jerky meat pig and then I go here go take a rip none of this meat pig, and then I go, here, go take a rip.

None of this checks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, here, have some. Jerky meat pig. I was fucking dying. You jerky meat fat pig. I'm like, what the fuck? What did she say, though?

There's no reason for me to say that. She was like, you're funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a good look so I give this vial of coke to Tommy to go in the bathroom I'm thinking he's just going to do a key bump

this motherfucker just used the vial as his fucking line and rips it and there's like a quarter left and I'm like this guy sucks but at the same time let's fucking go oh what I gotta buy more coke no big deal let's fucking go. Oh, what? I got to buy more Coke?

No big deal. Let's do it. What do you know? We're out. I do remember that Coke sucking. Yeah, dude. It was very bad. Your connection was very bad.

That's why I had to do half the vials. You know how I got that connection? It was from an open mic-er in Philly that wanted to do comedy again in New York. So I would have to contact him, sit with him. He'd have to be like, and I want to do this bit about, and I'd be like, uh-huh, uh-huh, call your guy. Yeah, uh-huh. Just like acting like I was into his fucking open mic bit.

That rules. Yeah. He also got me a job with his cousin's business so that I could keep making money to buy Coke. Yeah. That's a good dealer. That is more for me than the government when I was on unemployment. You still got his number?

That's like a weird version of money laundering. He was really addicted to morphine. How do you get your hands on morphine? He's this guy. Hospital Connect. I think his name was like Monty. Was he white or black? Why did you just...

Can you blur the hand gesture? Was he... It's an Italian thing. Was he... Or... He was white. Where's Lenny going to sit again? Is he going to sit here?

I don't know. Where do you think Lenny should sit? I think he should sit. We can't all stand up and go, where do you want to sit, Lenny? He's going to be like, I don't fucking care. You think he should sit under the Phillies thing? Just bring that mattress in here and move the table. Just have him lay down.

Lenny, why don't you lay down? Dude, what if Lenny was laying in my lap and I'm petting his head? We could all squeeze on this small couch and have him lay on that one. Oh, dude. We could do that. Put his head on that end. Like, hey, man, you want to lay down? Yeah, yeah.

Tommy will suck you. The girl's going to be here in an hour. Yeah, yeah, Lenny, the girls are coming. The girls are coming. Just one more hour of talk, buddy. One more, one more. Every 20 minutes, check in with Jordan and be like, where's the pussy? Hey, the pussy here? Jordan? Jordan, give hour talk. Yeah, yeah. One more. Every 20 minutes, check in with Jordan and be like, where's the pussy? Hey, the pussy here?

Jordan. Jordan. Keep your phone on. Give me a pussy check, Jordan. Jordan's desperately finding stray cats in the neighborhood. As a pun bit. That would be sick. Where do we put him?

You said you want to be in the middle, so maybe I'll just shift down. I was thinking you shift down and him sit right there. What do you think of that? Yeah, I think that's right. That sounds nice. Yeah. How close is he? Let's check. He's a little

nervy, isn't he? Yeah, I'm going to crack a beer I think. Do it. Are there enough beers in there? Jordy, you might have to go and do a beer run. What kind of beer is it? Okay. Why is the Uber in Connecticut?

Bro. Wait a second. You got a tag on him? Yeah. Let me see it. Let me call him. Wait, they may have just went around. No, there's no around into Connecticut. I know. I'm trying to keep It's 95.

Hey, it's Ian. What's that? Oh, all right. You want me to tell you y'all just got five danced. He's five minutes away.

Yeah. This is honestly, if I'm, you know, if I'm, if I'm a viewer, I turn this podcast

off right now. A hundred percent. Cause it's so, it's a, it's a cartoon. If I'm a viewer, I turn this podcast off right now. 100%. Because it's so... It's a cartoon. I wanted it to be in Connecticut so bad. I'm stuck in a Nickelodeon cartoon. You go, you go, he goes, you go, maybe they weren't around. He goes, no.

And you go, I'm trying to calm them down. With a lie. The whole time I'm trying to be a good person With a fucking lie I know how excited you are Oh dude he's up the street He'll be here in three minutes Can I piss when he gets here?

Bro Before we start Yeah Go piss now Me and Chris will take over Yeah take a piss Go There's a bathroom right down here

Yeah So Tommy's a bathroom right down here. Yeah. So Tommy's a fag, right? Yeah, don't tell him there's cameras in that bathroom. Why is there smoke over there? What? I'm ripping the veil. Oh, God. I thought you set something on fire.

You just got finance, dude. I came home. You're standing on the ashes of my apartment. You're like this. You're like, You got finance bro All podcast music His couch is on fire Help

Oh my god Yesterday we had Adam, Racine and Jordan on I'm upstairs I come down and they're like There was almost an incident One of the sandwich wrappers almost caught on fire Racine's kid was here it did yeah how the fuck did that happen oh dude you and tommy with the candles and the lava lamps you don't like candles

that lava lamp looks like slime and ghostbusters too dude it's like it's just it's hot in the apartment we're bumping the ac to try to keep it cool, and he's just starting fires everywhere. Right now? Or your place? No, no, our place. Well, dude, I've come to really appreciate candles. Uncle Ron's Candles is great from Philly. You know that guy?

No. Yeah. It's fantastic. Is there a candle over there? Why do you keep pointing over there? There's a candle behind the walls. Uncle Ron's Candle Co. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and I guess we should get the sponsors out of the way. Curious Elixir, 0% alcohol, 25 calories, amazing taste. It's a non-alcoholic craft cocktail. It ain't your daddy's mocktail. It's a craft cocktail. And also, it ain't your daddy's mocktail. Liquid death. What kind of daddy? I know, I know. What kind of corny

gay ass dad? I know yours is dead, but it's alive. This ain't your grandpa's non-alcoholic beer. This isn't your war criminal's pop pops. Nighttime drink. This one sucks. You know how your pussy ass dad

would come home from a construction job and just fucking build decks incorrectly? Tommy. Tommy took a piss and recharged on timing. I've seen your dad's kombucha. I don't get had on these fucking shows, dude, and I was had. Tony, I'm fired up.

Bring him in! Get in here, Nails, you piece of shit! Oh my god, look Look his car's moving The car is moving Never watch an Uber Never watch an Uber Never watch an Uber Yeah why don't you go up and get him Cause they drive like fucking idiots

That'll look more professional And it's Make sure he puts on the slippers Yes And they miss a turn Yeah That's another three fucking minutes Yes

Huh Oh shit Hold on hey um take this coffee and in my freezer there's some ice cubes put some ice cubes in that for him did you confirm he wants ice yes yeah dude he hasn't been catered to in like 25 years i know i know he's loving dude. I wonder if he gets free meals still places. No. Jordy. He could dress in his full uniform. And Jordy the cubes.

Jordy. He is. Nails needs cubes. And there's coffee. Make sure they're room temperature Jordy Jordy the charcuterie

what's that toughest guy in Major League Baseball history he's like oh my god make sure he gets his slippers

dude what's that what's that cartoon it was like a Jewish turtle my life yeah exactly oh I'm tired I'm chilly what was his name what's that cartoon that was like a Jewish turtle? My life. Yeah, exactly. Oh,

Rocko's Modern Life. I'm tired. I'm chilly. What was his name? I don't know. Philbin. No. It was clearly just a Jew.

A Jewish turtle complaining about everything. Rocko. Rocko. Yeah. Hold on. What was his name? He walked on his hind legs a goddamn turtle.

Well, you know, what's your favorite? Lowly Worm's got to be my favorite character. What's that? Who's that? Philbert. Philbert. Lowly Worm is the worm from Richard Scarry's books. He drove an apple.

Richard Scarry? I don't know any of this. Driving an apple? Yeah. Lowly Worm had like a sick-ass top hat with a feather in it, and he drove an apple. It was an apple with- It was a pimp.

Tires and a windshield. It's a pimp ass worm, dude. Lowly Worm. Did he have like a bunch of girlfriends he fucking dropped off? He's pimping out butterflies. Hey, what's up, mama? What are we doing, man? Mama looking fly.

Mama, you looking fly, man. What? What? Is this an alcohol cocktail? Yeah. Let me try it. Let me try it. Swig.

Grease Elixir, number two, Tommy Pope, Stuff Island. I'm curious. Trying this for the first time. How's the mouth feel? It is nice. Yeah?

And I was expecting a fizz. No, bro, I'm telling you. Is it ginger ale? And it has antigens that help with your hangover and certain like... You shouldn't have a hangover. It's not a problem. Lenny Dykes is calling me. Hello?

It gets better. Oh, okay, cool. My producer's coming out to get you. Thanks. What do you think? Good. It is better. Okay, cool. My producer's coming out to get you. Thanks. What do you think? Good. Bro, I love... I want to shit on it.

Also, I love liquid death because it feels like a tall boy. So I love holding something in my hand that feels like booze. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love holding something in my hand that reminds me of my past. So I'll keep a Tranny's dick in my pocket. They're just getting present. How come they never put milk in a can?

What? I'd like to see milk in a can. It's disgusting, dude. Is that the shit you're going to talk to nails about? Yeah. He's going to walk in. He means pussy, right? Yeah.

Milk in a can, dude. Is milk in a can Is that pussy Yeah No don't you think I'd like to see more things In beer cans More liquids

Are you gonna Cut this off Or just let him come in wild He's coming in wild Yeah Coming in wild Are you gonna let him know That we're rolling

Yeah but then We'll like cut The episode Cause we've been going I think for like a year or two God Just Pretty good, Chris Is it the angle you're holding?

No, no, you gotta go That's how you play a trumpet Are you spitting directly in your horn? And you go Yeah What's that mean? You blow it and then you do like a Jewish greeting.

Arantabash is what the earwax is. And we're going to Shana Tova him. Please don't start with that bullshit. See how he is. Judy, is he bullshit? No, you got to read the room. See if he comes in here for like... I wouldn't really want to walk in someone's basement. Tommy doesn't want to be associated with your crap.

You're corny. It's his first time meeting Lenny Dykstra. Tommy doesn't want to be associated with crap. You're corny. Yeah. Yeah. It's his first time meeting Lenny Dykstra. He doesn't want to be lumped in with your fake Jewish. No, no, no,

no, no. Welcome to B&E and blow it, Chris. Let me see that. That's good stuff. That's a good one. Let me see that.

Let me see that. Well, you don't trust me? Do you let your cats down here? He comes down a little bit, but... Chris, please. Chris. Was that a gift?

I got it in Ohio. For what? A friend of mine got assaulted. In Ohio? In New York. Going to Ohio is an assault. What a thump. Why did he get assaulted?

Bro, I got to go get this guy. I don't know why. Guys, cover the pot. Get out of there now. Cut this out. Cut this whole thing. God, this sucks. Yeah.

Waiting? Nah, I'm kidding. Waiting for nails? It'd be great if we just shit all over this, but serious. Yeah. Like, I don't even want to wait for Lenny Dykstra. This fucking podcast sucks dick. Big old dick.

Which camera do I look in to say, this sucks? Yeah, it sucks, dude. Stugatz. This fucking sucks. Bad time. It's all a facade, this whole fucking room. This attitude. Yeah, this isn't real wood.

This costume. All of this is fake. Yeah. It's a mirage for true entertainment. It's not real. That's why you got to hire hookers and ex-champions. Just rip your shirt off and cut your throat. Oh, man.

My whole life's been a fraud. Have we done a morning session before? I don't think so. We did one. Soda? Soda? I remember having to do one at like 11. Yeah, like a daytime thing Yeah cause I had coffee

Oh no You know what it was? No it wasn't I thought it was Vecchione But I made Vecchione coffee The vibe is different It's like doing stand up At like fucking 9am

You'd be like this doesn't No Yeah it's like doing a work conference Yes Yeah in like a hotel at 5pm Yeah After they've eaten hors d'oeuvres Oh my fucking God, dude.

Your mind, we've been doing this for so long that you have, you know, the way a normal person has a rise and shine. Yeah, yeah. Your mind opens up. Right. Your body activates. Yes. And without going to the gym first thing in the morning, my mind's not ready to talk to anybody. Yeah.

You need to run out last night's activities. Yeah. Yeah. Sweat, puke it. We had a hard one last night. I got fucked up. I was going to have one whiskey. Dude, I have pictures of Donahue massaging you, the face you're making. Dude, that motherfucker has hands. He's a magician.

Dude, he was hitting. You made a full-on cum face. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I understand why he gets women. You were doing that thing where you're like. If he did that shit with just a random girl. Oh, my God. I'd be like, oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

What? What's going on? I need to actually. She's currently pissing in my apartment. Nice. No, like on the floor. Sick. Bye, dance.

That was rude. What does he think he's being foreclosed on blow the fucking horn blow that horn chris it's so much funny when it's a fail i know but it actually sounded good all right just make it a whole fucking gimmick, you know, like the rest of it. Like every time you get a nice joke, just blow the fucking horn. Yeah. How pathetic were ancient people, you know?

What do you mean? This is how they made a horn. They cut a fucking, an actual horn. Yeah, just some weirdo in the tribe just sucking on it. What are they supposed to do? Fucking use metal orgy and brass? Yes, smelt something, dude. Have a fucking idea.

They walked through the desert for 40 years. They didn't have any sort of concept that there would be brass instruments. They literally, when they killed something to eat, they took every part of the animal. You chop the horn off and you blow into it pathetic why is that pathetic because they could have had i they could have had cooler shit faster but instead they were like no this horn's good enough it's like no it isn't you can't survive

and then make some fucking metal wi-fi you guys are arguing like a couple jews right now it's the horn man the reason ghost's like Ghostbusters mood slide. The reason why things aren't even... The reason why things aren't even better right now is because they fucking thought this was good enough. Lack of smelt. Yeah. The anticipation's killing me.

I'd like to smelt this PBR In a beer that tastes good Get on board with light beers Go through the light beer phase What kind of beer do you like? What are you talking about? How do you think it works? Go back though Go back to it

No you can't Yeah you can What kind of beer do you like? It's like going from cocaine to drywall Once you're on the horse baby You can't go back Dude Yeah I'm snorting Colombian Coke

I ain't want some fucking Lower East Side gypsum. Give me some Lowe's Uncut. Yeah. Nails off the rails. Hey, here he is. Here he is. That's the man. Nails off the rails.

Yeah. What's up, bro? What's up? You can sit here, bro. Put my teeth in an area for you, man. That's big. Oh, man. Honored.

What's up, man? I'm Chris. Nice to meet you. And this is Chris. Thanks so much, man. Oh, man. Tom. Honored. What's going on, man? I'm Chris. Nice to meet you. And this is Chris. Thanks so much, brother. Oh, yeah, man. I really appreciate it. Have a seat right here.

Make yourself at home. We got coffee. Makeup lady. Yeah, that's the bus. So this is going to be from the Haines. Yeah, you like that? This is new. I'm getting a... Oh, yeah. I is new. I'm getting a...

Oh, yeah. I love it. I'm getting a new one this Sunday. Really? On the shin? Yeah, this says too tough to die. This chick's going to pull my hair and choke me. I'm like, what?

I tell him, hey, knock on the door, but don't go inside. I got a finger in the ass once. Really? It was nice. What's that mean? They check your prostate for the MLB physical? Hey Lenny, I got friends that play ball

None of them got prostate exams Yeah, yeah The conversation I got that gymnast doctor I'm saying, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, and then he just touched my pussy Yeah, yeah The Mets trainer was Larry Nassar Damn The Mets trainer was Larry Nassar.

Damn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, grab a seat here. This mic's hot. Yeah. Yeah, grab a seat here. This mic's hot. Yeah, man. So this is taped, right? Yeah, so we can edit.

Let's see. Here, pop that. Pop that right there. I got a Yeti cooler. It's like a 300-hour cooler coming my way. Oh, yeah, the cooler. Yeah. Really? Are you cool with holding the mic?

Or do you want this? Yeah. Yeah. The one your brother got. Yeah. Oh, I like this. Did you get it in the brown? Yeah, I like this.

I don't know. It's free. That Winnie the Pooh. Wait. It's free. From who? A buddy of mine. So you guys use every...

It was like a... Yeti salesman? No, he's like in that field. Well, we record Tuesday, Wednesdays. What do you mean? He's talking like a group text. Oh, oh. He's like, yo, I can send you one.

He's in the coolant field? He's in the coolant field. Yeah, oh, that'd be great, man. For sure, yeah. He's in the coolant field. And we got video. I'll send you clips. He wasn't track one in high school.

You know what I'm saying? Turn us down. So this is Chris O'Connor. Chris. Nice to meet meet you This is Tommy Pope Irish and Irish Yeah Canadian Yeah, Canadian

Yeah Who's Canadian? Is this rolling? Yeah, we're rolling My uncle and grandfather played in the NHL I'm adopted No shit My last name's Leswick

So if you look up Tony Leswick He won three Stanley Cups Holy shit No shit Yeah My last name is Leswick. So if you look up Tony Leswick, he won three Stanley Cups. Holy shit. No shit. Yeah, so I'm adopted. It's kind of an interesting story. I mean, I have the body of a hockey player, too. Yeah, me too.

You guys do have similar muscles. I'm supposed to go to the big leagues and play baseball. I'm like a... I mean, these guys are fucking big and strong. Yeah, what was that like being like a little hockey guy in that league with so many fucking huge dudes? Well, I played hockey. I mean, I grew up in California.

They had no ice. So my way out of the middle was baseball. And I had great parents, unfortunately. I did. I mean, so the dad that raised me and adopted me was my coach and everything. And it's kind of funny, when I got to the big leagues, started making money, the blood dad called and said, hey, this is your dad. I said, it doesn't sound like my dad.

I said, I got a fucking dad. Ain't you a motherfucker? You hungover? Yeah. So, yeah. So, anyway, so, yeah, I grew up, like, with my family, watching them work their asses off, man. Like, phone company.

I had to split a hammer with Bob's big boy, you know, with my brothers. And so, my way out of the middle was baseball. So, I mean, I had one's big boy, you know, with my brothers. And so my way out of the middle was baseball. So, I mean, I had one friend growing up, you know. When did you start baseball? Well, I was, you know, since, you know, in Italy at eight, our sponsor was Dottie's Beauty Salon. That's your jersey? Hot Dottie's?

Hell yeah. I was Kerr's Village Pharmacy. I was Rossi's Arca. Fire shop. Everyone made fun of us, so we went 20 and 0, you know? Hell yeah. I was Curse Village Pharmacy. I was Rossi's archive. Fire shop. Yeah, everyone made fun of us, so we went 20-0, you know? That rules. Yeah. So you were eight, you said?

Yeah, they literally started later than that. They didn't have to keep on all the other bullshit. Yeah. But you did play as a kid. Oh, yeah. I played baseball and football. Did you excel to the level of thinking you were going to go pro in high school and college as well?

Yeah. Well, see, in high school, in ninth grade, I went to the varsity. I knew that baseball was my way out. But I was a good football player. I signed the full-ride letter in 10th to go to Arizona State to play football and baseball. Holy shit. If I went there, the outfield would have been me, Bonds, and...

This is the shit you hear about in, like, the fucking 1920s. Dude. From some, like, dude who plays, like, you know, the professional everything. Me, Bonds, some other fucking guy. Yeah, it would have been McDowell. Yeah, it would have been him. Bonds is a plays the professional everything. Me, Bond, some other fucking guy. Yeah, it would have been a doubt. Bond is a fucking dick, though. Yes.

Let's fuck him. What a piece of shit. I'll tell you about Bond, though. Let's just say, look, the best player in the history of baseball to ever put on a uniform. Really? The biggest dick in the history of baseball to ever put on a uniform. Why? It's usually the end of the day.

Look, let me say some numbers on this guy. I mean, look, at the end of the day, it's not about, like, friends and, like, I mean, it's about winning and, like,

Curt Schilling, for instance, who's the best big game pitcher I ever played with. Also a dick. Yeah, well, right, kind of to some people, but I like those kind of dicks, man. You know why?

Because they win. Well, when he was pitching... What kind of dicks do you like, Tom? Yeah, that's a good point. That's a bad comment. But I did see my first anterior dick cock in the fucking spring training. How big is Bonds' dick? I don't know.

It's a fucking kind of fucking dick. Strawberry, I've heard. Yes. They used to say Bo Jackson had to lay his dick on the toilet seat He's fucking got a fucking... Strawberry, I've heard of it. They take it to the lake, dude. Yeah. They take his soap off. They used to say Bo Jackson used to have to lay his dick on the toilet seat because he's going to water. I mean, that strawberry, he's my boy, you know. And I said, dude, can you get that in? Like, can it go all the way to the base?

Yeah. You know, like a normal dude. Like, you get to the base so you know where you're at. Yeah, yeah. You know where you're at. He said, no, dude. He said, because there are body parts and shit.

Oh, my God. But, so, in the spring training, my first spring training, I was 18 years old, you know, and first shower, I saw all these fucking, all these Americans

with an aneurysms. Yeah. I said, I said, what happened to your dick, bro? It's all swollen. No, an aneurysm, you know. What's that? Oh's all swollen. No, and your dick, you know? What's that?

Oh, anteater. Yeah, they're uncirc. Yeah. Uncircumcised. Yeah, cave crusader. Yeah. I said, what happened to your dick? He said, no say, no say.

Ask him what happened to his dick. Coolo by soda. Stretch is an organization, you know? And, you know, like, they bring everyone to his dick. Cool little bar soda. Stretch is an organization, you know? And, you know, they bring everyone to spring training. So I was in the front lines fucking. We do a stretch. I look back.

See a fucking sea of blue hats. It must have been like thousands of them, dude. And, like, I said to myself, fuck it. It doesn't matter. I mean, I knew I was going to the big leagues, like, when I got there, you know? What are blue hats? Mets. Dude, this is the coolest fucking shit ever.

It stresses organizations. The whole organization, rookie ball, A ball, double A, and spring train. It all stresses the whole organization. There's this fucking doubt. At the beginning, they bring a bunch and they start cutting them. That's what I heard, right? It was an open tryout and he showed up and some guy was like were you a bad boy or something he's like no i'm letting motherfucking dykes i'm the best motherfucker here yeah

i was in high school you know and the reason I didn't get drafted high because, I mean, I was before I got on the fucking shit, you know what I mean? And we'll get to that later because that's fucking, I mean, I'm always ahead of the curve. And you have to be if you want to get results. So every year the Mets would have this tryout for the best players in Southern California because Southern California breeds all these people. Yeah, Southern Cal is like the best. So all these sides are showing up, and you go get your tag,

and the person who gives your name tag says, who are you, the bad boy? I said, you don't know who I am? I'm Lenny fucking Dykes. That's who I am. Best fucking player here, motherfucker. That's who I am. And Joe McIlvain, who became a nudist, by the way.

A nudist?ist but he's all you remember he was right there and he heard that and no no brag I'm this is facts I'm sorry I ran everyone out through everybody and that's like him you know so I got drafts in the 12th round but that was here strawberry and being you know when early yeah and you know being when I became pretty good drafted in the 12th round, but that was the year Strawberry and Bean went... Early. And Bean and I became pretty good friends. In fact, that book Moneyball he wrote

kind of wrote after me. We were roommates together. Great roommate, man. Six was four. Just stand by him and take the leftovers. You know? Because I sell dreams, bro. I sell dreams.

I just didn't know. But being he shouldn't take failure, man. See, remember, baseball is a game of how you manage your failure. If you just fail 70% of the time, you're going to get fucking $20 million.

They have the money they're getting these days. I mean, all the power to them, but it's fucking crazy. I mean, do you know how much money that is? Okay, so when I played, I said put in perspective. That's a good word, perspective, right? I'm going to put that in my seat right now so I can enunciate. But anyway, closer, closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll pop it back. Lean back and I'll pop it back lean back and I'll pop it yeah right there it's perfect yeah that's what she said hey hey don't give her a little hit

we gotta get all the way down to the base dude so yeah so so what we were talking about oh Bean yeah

so Bean how much money is this yeah well Billy Bean though was six foot four he had a full ride uh um um stanford the quarterback in football and but and could fly and but the bottom line is is he couldn't accept like there he is he gets so pissed man and like he's striking me in the outfield playing catch he thought some fucking restore like a boy I'm out I was gonna go right by me I said it I didn't strike out I mean so yeah and so he couldn't accept see it's how you

manage your failure in baseball because instead of like when an 0 for 600 and 0 for 12 yeah that's the key because and you have to have a game plan every night, which I don't see a lot of guys having these days. But the Mets are playing great. Yeah, the Mets are fucking sick. And the Yankees are just killing it. It's crazy. But, I mean, I can say some crazy shit, but people won't believe me.

Is that over? I got some more baseball questions before we get going. No, no, just roll with the crazy. Yeah, you want one? I don't have any cigarettes. I got you Camel Crush. Oh, wow. I don't smoke too much anymore. I'm out of it, bro.

I'm getting old. Does it fire you up to seeing the contracts these kids are making these days, comparative to yours? Well, that's a good point you just brought up. So to put it in perspective, I want to say that word again, perspective. So when I was, at one point, I was the second highest paid player in the league at $6 million. So my paycheck, remember, at $6 million, was $250,000 every two weeks.

Jesus Christ. So now, let's just say the average player makes $15 million now. Yeah. An average player. $15 million. Yeah. So times three, that's like $700,000 every two weeks. What do you even do with all that money when you have it?

Are you making it faster than you could spend it? Up my nose, baby. The purest drywall you can get. Listen, I thought pussy was the most powerful thing in the world, so I bought my own fucking plane. I bought a fucking Gulfstream, dude. Yeah. I burned fucking 50 million, so fucking bastard.

Oh, shit. And you know what? If I had to do it, I'd do it again. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. It was so fucking awesome I mean like

You're hanging out with your buddies You know like You guys want to go to lunch Or something you know Like Where do you want to go I don't know Hawaii

Spin the fucking globe Dude That's like the crazy See the thing is I've gone to like St. Louis On a whim You know

St. Louis Dude This guy This guy's getting blown in Milan at 11 a.m. I'm just saying. Because he wants fucking eggs done in a certain way. One time I went to Kansas. You're like, that's what I'm saying. Hey, yeah, one time I took a bus to Parsippany because I wanted to.

You fucking loser. Dude, that's what I'm saying, but I'm poor. That's all I'm saying. If you had 15 million, I would be so worried about waking up in London and being like, oh shit, I was supposed to be supposed to go home today. I was on this mission, man.

The fuck Princess Stephanie, you know, from the kind of wild one in Monaco. Her name is Princess. Oh, yes. Not because she was so good looking. It's not like a notch on the belly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Fuck a princess. So that was your goal, and you weren't taking failure for nothing. No, no. So I always had to take two guys with me because they couldn't hang. One would have to rest. They'd take shifts, you know. They couldn't keep up. Because you were fucking ripping and running so much. Fuck, man. I could keep up with you. Yeah, I, you know. They couldn't keep up. Because you were fucking ripping and running so much.

Fuck, man. I could keep up with you. Yeah, I bet you could. So we went to this bar show. And win a World Series. I said to my boy, I said, hey, go get the 411 and see if he's here. And so he comes back. He says, bad news.

He's not here. So I turn around and look at the bar. I see these two fucking blondes right out of a tourist magazine from Sweden. I said, dude, get the 411 on that. My boy goes and comes back and says, bad news. They're with their fiancés.

I said, look at me. Look at me. Look me in the fuck. Look me in the fuck. I said, look me in the fucking eyes. Remember, this is when I'm 29, A Greek statue. Height of your powers. With millions of dollars. I had a poster of you shirtless in my room.

Yeah, that was off the road. So I said to my boy, listen to me. Those fucking, I'll have their fucking suitcase on the sidewalk tonight. Do you hear me? Tonight on the sidewalk. So I went in there with my fucking wrap. Everything I love. hear me on tonight on the sidewalk so i went in there with my fucking rap was on everything i love it's fucking there next thing you know the next morning at 10 o'clock i got a charter yacht dude from here to fucking city you know i mean and we're on the i don't even like boats but we

we're taking it to from from monte carlo to portofino and down the French Riviera. And what's the front of the bow? What do you call it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Chris has been on a catamaran. So we're on the bow. One time I took a pontoon. So we're sitting up in the bow having a corona. I turn, I look back,

and there they are, sunbathing naked, dude. I said to my boy. What, on your yacht? Yeah. In Portofino? Well, I don't wanthing naked dude I said to my boy in Portofino I said to my boy I said dude take a look at that and bottle it bottle it cause this is as close to heaven as we're ever gonna fucking get

I know those were the good times man good times did you fuck him on the bow? not in the boat but at the hotel that's when I used to get hard easy. I will, you know? I mean, now I'm at the point. You're not going to do a ring, dude.

No, I'm actually worse than that. Now I'm at the point where as soon as I hear these words, like, I can't believe I'm doing this, I'm good. Yeah. I mean, so many fucking deposits here. You have no idea. It is true. What if you, okay, so you're on the road,

or you're in Philly and you're tagging and you're bringing down some local fucking chick from Delco

you got a gift basket to give them to go what are you putting in that gift basket Jeter used to give gift baskets when he would bring a girl back

Jeter in the weeds man he got away with that shit for a long time yeah if that was modded he would have been kicked all the power to him, though. But no, so here's how I roll, man.

Like I said, a lot of people used to tell me, there's a lot of people who got more money than you, but they don't know how to party like you. So I'd always have my two boys go to the river plants. They were playing in Atlanta. I never stayed at a team hotel once. Really? Not once.

There was no rules about that? There was rules. You, Dalton, and Kroc were never in the same place. It's like how Kim Jong-un has like body doubles. You just got a guy in the bed for you. You got a soap.

It's kind of like in this game called life, man. There's rules and you get results. The rules seem to like... It's funny. There were times game called life, man. There's rules, and you get results, so the rules seem to, like, it's funny. You know, like, there was times I'd be coming in and fucking, like, on a day game in Fregosi, and remember this one? Remember this one on the Phillies with the Mets? I was a kid. I never even knew what a fucking drug was.

I had a beer. I mean, I didn't know a strawberry was fucking good, and we're railing up like that. And by the way, just so you know. I heard you guys were doing it on the plane. Two horse sticks are hitting the wall in the kitchen. Dude, our 93 Phillies team, we made the fucking 86 men seem like fucking school children. God damn right.

We fucking partied them. Look, no one even had to get up. How do you play 162 games getting that fucked up every night? So you had to have a system. What was the system? I told my boy Robert De Niro, Bobby D. I was in St. Bart's. St. Bart's and Hellcopter and Pussy and right and left.

The fucking two best fucking, there's two presidential suites side by side. And De Niro's fucking next to me, dude. And I see this boy And I see this boy. I see this black chick walk by. And he likes African-American women. And bottom line is he couldn't take it anymore, man. I'm a helicopter and bitches and right now.

And so I'm coming back one day with a pina colada. And he called me over and he says, hey, what's that? I said, oh, day with a pina colada. And he called me over and he says, hey, what's that? I said, oh, this is a pina colada. He says, you guys are having some fun there. I swear to God, he didn't know who I was. He's not a sports fan. He did not know who I fucking was. And I said, yeah, this is Jack.

He says, yeah, you guys are having some fun. I said, do you know Keith Richards? He says, what? I said, listen, Keith Richards is a code name for fucking blow. I mean, he looks like a lying coke. So I said, I got some of Richards' greatest hits if you want some. He said, is it any good? Next thing I know, dude,

he had the full propane. Boom. Fucking boom. Okay, now, I got him. So now he's sending $800 bottles of wine over to this restaurant. But so I told him, I said, look, if you're going to hang with Richards,

you got to, you got to, it's been years to figure out the system. Richards, greatest hits, they're better at night. You've got to wait until it gets dark. I said, so I'm going to give you the fucking, I'm going to give you the fucking. The symphony for the devil. The solution. The trifecta that took me years to figure out.

You take fucking two fucking decks right in the morning. You see decks right in front of. You see Dex's right inside of me. Those are our fire parts. We took them and played. I said, in that way, it's a smooth fucking daytime elevation. You level off. You work your way down. Now, if you get

a little up, tweak it a little bit, like hot and cold water. You've got to keep Xanax with it. Pinch the Xanax off. Then when it gets dark, now you can bring out Richard's greatest hits. And there you go. That trifecta,

you'll remember that the rest of your fucking life. So funny, man. Fucking incredible. This is in my book, by the way. I must have 30 fucking lawyers calling me to fact check it. This is in my book, by the way.

I must have had 30 fucking lawyers call me to fact check it. Robert De Niro listened to your headboard hit the wall for over 10 days. The first interaction is, I fucking hate Keith Richards. I swear to God. You guys hold the pina colada. You know Keith Richards? He's not a baseball fan. He didn't know. And so now, it's finally time for me to leave after like a $300,000 bill.

I'm in my fucking copy. I'm already going, here comes De Niro running fucking out. He says, hey, some extra Richards and a trifecta? I said, bro, I got you, bro. So three months later, I'm in Tribeca having dinner with my buddies. There's De Niro hanging out with, it looks like it's a business people's family. I'm going to say hi to my boy, Bobby D. Walked over there. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Just holding up. He's like, the band broke up. Change number three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked at me, he looked at me like

I was a fucking, I was a redheaded fucking stepchild. Like, like I said, hey, and I said, I get it. Okay, bye. I walked away. My friend said, what a fucking dick. I said, hey. I get it. Okay, bye. I walked away. My friend

said, what a fucking dick. I said, what are you going to say? Hey, this is a guy, I don't even know his name, that got me all the blow and all the shit at St. Bart's. Here, why don't you introduce me to my family? This is Mr. Coppola. Bob, it's me, Lenny

From St. Bart's We hung out with Chief Richards Lenny, the cocaine Yeah, yeah, yeah No, Richards Richards They call me Dexogen They call me Dexogen

Dry and Dykstra Richards His albums aren't as good anymore You know Oh, yeah Not good, you know what I mean Let me put this cigarette out Yeah, bro

Anyways Yeah, not good. You know what I mean? Let me put this cigarette out. Yeah, bro. Anyways, so, yeah, I mean, the story is, you know, I wrote a fucking book. Yeah, House of Nails. Fucking hardest thing I ever fucking did in my life, dude. I mean. How do you write a book? Dude. I can't even read it. So fucking hard.

I can't even read one. I mean, I'm cheating. That's what I'm saying. I mean, it has. book. I can't even read it. I can't even read one. I mean, it does. I've been asked to write a book by a lot of

people, but I wasn't ready to put it all out there. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it fucking right. So you have to call these people and say, hey, do you mind if I tell this story? Call up George R.R. Martin. I don't give a fuck. I mean, look.

Did you get any, like, lawsuits and shit? No, for telling the truth. Fuck. I mean, the bottom line is, I didn't bury anybody, but I buried fucking Greg Jeffries, and I buried Davy Johnson. But, um. And Ron Darling?

No, I didn't bury Darling then, but Darling, like, that's going to heat up real quick. Yeah, that piece of shit. Well, I mean, this Davy Johnson, he cost us, I mean, in the Mets. He was the manager for the Mets. Yeah, he was. I want to know the story. Like, they say he was a great player as a manager.

Well, fuck, yeah, he's great because he's passed out in his fucking office the whole fucking time. You never talk to him, you know? He was drunk? Well, him and Jack were best friends, you know, Daniels. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Him and Jack. Yeah, so he was a drunk.

Yeah. Did he know Keith Richards? No, no, he's old school. That's his problem. Old school. Yeah, this is soft. We'd be on a team bus after we land on the chart. He'd come walking down the fucking aisle, man.

You'd see the whole fucking guy carrying his drink. fucking guys in this. He's carrying his ring. But what he did, though, he actually cost us a World Series. And I say that because in 1988, if you remember, we were up two games to one. You guys are Philly fans, though. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. He's a Mets guy. Yeah. But let me say, but the Phillies, we have some shit to talk about there, too. Because we fucking ripped that fucking town up. Oh, dude. What's better, New York 80s or Phillies, we have some shit to talk about there, too. Because we've fucking ripped that fucking town up. What's better, New York 80s or Phillies 90s? Well, I mean, look, there's two different things. When I was with the Mets, I was a

young player who had to be there. But Keith Hernandez was the guy I looked up to. But when I went to the Phillies, I was kind of like the Keith Hernandez. Except at the next like 10 times

higher level I mean nobody needs to if I go to a fucking pharmacy to get a script filled I fill them all yeah you know

I mean I mean listen nobody wanted to come to the vet those fucking fans and we do 3.6 million fucking people

there man and dude that city I don't care what anyone says, like in 08, I think they won the World Series, right? It wasn't like 93, dude. That was a fuck, dude. And nobody wanted

to play us. We were fucking... Oh, dude, in spring training, you were railroading dudes at home playing. We were drug-fueled, steroid up, and fucking... I tell my teammates, like, we're going to their house, fucking taking their money. My buddy was a Blue Jays fan, and he went to the series in 93. Yeah. The guy dumped a beer on him.

He was like, good. Good. Fuck Carter. Piece of shit. The Phillies are nuts. I've been on the field. It's kind of in my life. So I was on the field. I know what it's like touts I've been on the field Like this has kind of Been my life You know So I was on the field I know what it's like

To win a World Series On the field I know what it's like To lose a World Series On the field Yeah Like when When

When Dumb Dumb Fucking Mitch Hit that fucking Carter's Barrel Like The pitch wasn't that bad Oh fuck It was

What are you talking about Tommy He came in It was hard to hit Tommy S't. Come on, T. What are you talking about, Tommy? He came in. It was hard to hit. Tommy, suck a dick. Yeah, you're right. What are you talking about, dude? I think we'll defer to Lenny Dykstra. What are you saying?

You're out of your element, Tommy. I'm going to tase you. Well, the thing is, Mitch, you know, like, the other thing he did, he pissed off my pussy, too, because, like, so what I was telling him, we were, I never finished that road story. We were on the road. I'd have two of my boys always get the presidential suite set up. Who were these guys? Childhood friends or?

Like, he's, you know, fucking bozos. They were my friends until, you know, I paid for everything, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's like my boy Bob Seger says, you says. Bob Seger's fucking great, man. But anyways, that's neither here nor there. It didn't matter. But they set it all up. And so when I was younger, going to bars and trying to pick up,

it's like fucking stupid. You're yelling. You can't hear. And at the end, you try to get a strategy. So again, I got ahead of the curve. And so the bar would be there. And then when Mitch would come in to fucking close the game, it's fucking delayed.

It's like an hour and a half. But that's when we were really rolling. You know what I mean? And that was like, I mean, there's some things we did that I'm not proud of, you know? Like what? So these boys get in early. We can edit.

Well, I didn't actually do it. But this is what I did when I was playing. This is when I was in high school. I was kind of mysterious in high school. I told you I had one friend, and the only reason I had one friend was because I had somebody to play catch with, you know? I mean, I didn't have a fucking girlfriend. I didn't go to a dance.

I mean, I had a couple pipe cleaners, you know? But my drama teacher... A couple pipe cleaners. Yeah, my drama teacher, Mrs. Dahl, like, I remember, you know, dude. Yeah, my drama teacher, Mrs. Dahl. I remember, you know, I was 18 and like... Yes. And they kind of like

the studs, whatever, you know. And like, she was hot. And she was like, you think they're older, but she's like only 32 or whatever. Yeah. She told me I had to stay

after class one day. I'm like, okay. And she fucked me, dude. Yeah. Mrs. Dahl fucked me. Jesus. What? When I say fucked me, she's fucked me yeah mrs. all fucked me Jesus fuck me she's fucking like fine and then I like said the mrs. all the next day that we gonna see after class again today never again no more after class this I was like if she wanted a notch on the belt yeah Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I've been traumatized by that ever since. Really? No.

No. Low-e, Chris. You just got fined. Yeah, dude. Fucking, that's nuts. That's a lot. Dude.

I never got to fuck a teacher. Yeah. Well, she fucked me, man. I mean, you know. Well, you were like lying, lying on the piano. She was helping you.

It was crazy. She said drama. Oh, it was. Drama class. Oh, drama, yeah,

drama. But so, you know, so, being a show, like I said, like writing this book, so like you get a ghostwriter.

Well, first of all, when I was ready to write the book, I got this big-time agent, you know, and she couldn't get, like, anybody worthy. So I said, here's the deal. So I have an appointment with a man, the biggest swinging dick in publishing, okay?

Okay, that's it. One appointment, and I'll fly in New York. So he sets up with a guy named Peter Hubbard, who has more bestsellers, with HarperCollins, the biggest in the world. More bestsellers than any other publisher. So before we walk into the meeting,

I grab her and I say, you know what your job is? Shut the fuck up. I said, you shut the fuck up, I'll sell the fucking book, okay? I said, you sit there and just Shut the fuck up. I said, you shut the fuck up, I'll sell the fucking book. I said, you sit there and just shut the fuck up. So we go in there and I sell the book. It's a pop-up speech.

Yeah. Give me a gap shot and let me do the tap dancing. And this guy, Peter Hubbard, he was really cool. I mean, like a straight arrow. I mean, come on like me and him are like we actually are friends now

but so they gave me this ghost writer who'd done a bunch of books and stuff and like he couldn't write in my voice

like you know like God himself probably couldn't write in my voice you know so I call Peter like six months into it

and I say hey Peter there's been some changes, man. I fired the fucking ghostwriter. I said, I'm writing the motherfucker myself. He goes dead quiet on the other end. I said, but Peter, you fucking stick with me. You fucking stick with me.

I'll get you a bestseller. So he sticks with me. I locked myself up in a fucking guest house at this mansion my buddy owned in Beverly Hills for fucking eight months, dude. Only person out there was my drug dealer. That's it. I mean, it was so fucking hard,

because I wrote every word of it. And it became bestseller. It was an awesome book. I'm not going to lie. No, it was great. Hell yeah. So I'd go visit Peter some time in New York when I was going. And you have to go to the security, get your guest tag,

and check your license, and give you a visitor tag. So one time I put my visitor tag on my dick. I just went up to him, and I'm walking. And there's the receptionist and all that. And they're looking kind of laughing. And there's a security dude. I can tell he's giving me the fucking look. Wait, on your pants or on your fucking cock?

Right on my dick. Well, it was thicker. Over the pants. Okay. No, he pulled his pants down. Dude, I hate his fucking nails, dude. I don't know. He put the security tag on his dick.

He put the visor tag here. I put it on my dick. Big deal. You know? So the security guard starts coming at me, man. He's kind of like pushing me. He says, you're fucking out of here. He doesn't know who I am.

He's like pushing me into the elevator in all the glass. And the motherfucker's like kind of pushing me. I fucking spun the motherfucker around. I fucking pinned him against the wall. I said, listen, motherfucker, I'll beat your fucking ass in front of every fucking one of these people here. He goes, you know, when somebody's like, he couldn't move, you know, he was panicking.

So he said, I'll put a bull in your fucking head. I said, whoa. Whoa, whoa. And he had to be there with some. Because all these women, by the way, that wasn't in my book. All these, because they were publishing houses. I'll have fucking ugly women working there, you know. So all these women watching.

So I go down the fucking elevator. I go down the elevator and I call Peter and I say, Peter, I'm sorry I'm late, but it seems like you toughened up your security around here because your security guard just told me he's going to put a bullet in my fucking head. He says, what? Where are you? I sit down there

and I'm fucking smoking a cigarette. He comes out, you know out with a straight arrow. I said, Peter, don't say a fucking word. Just tell that motherfucker to meet me on that fucking corner over there. And Peter goes, I'm an editor. So here we go. I said, no, Peter, here's the deal. I said, you tell that fucker, when this book's the bestseller,

me and him are going to take a fucking picture, okay, and we'll give him the best seller me and him are gonna take a fucking picture okay and we'll give him a fucking book and we can take that really hell yeah no shit

you have the book here that's great yeah I got it upstairs let me see a pic yeah yeah yeah so but anyways

yeah so I've kind of planted the flag on Mount Kilimanjaro and slept in the depths of Death Valley you know like there's no

like like there's nothing, like, like. There's nothing you haven't done. Well, I mean, the middle is a place I don't, like, ever want to be again, you know? Because, like, I mean, like, I opened up my book by saying my biggest fear in life was being average, you know?

And so, I mean, I've been to the cooler. I've been to the fucking, like, the stories go on and on and on. Here's the best part. They're all fucking true. Yeah. Yeah. And they're crazy, man. Like, the craziest story hasn't even came out yet.

This is about Darnley, man. What's that? Like, what the fuck are fake cancer, dude? He's fake fucking cancer, and they're all in on it. Who? I have all of them. There's a comic that did that too. They got an HBO special.

Yeah. And like, I mean, and it's, I'm not. Dude, what I, what I loved is when Darling came out with that bullshit about you being like racist or whatever, everyone backed you up. Like Strawberry Good and they were all like. I had all my friends. I ruined, Strawberry was my first roommate. Good was my second roommate.

And Darwin... Look, Mr. P, he didn't even write the book. The fucking... Look, the reason why Mr. P got that job is because he sucked enough cock. He's a political guy. He's political. He would never write something like that.

Right. It wasn't just me burying that book. Yeah. He buried fucking Carter, Murphy, some other guys. So he's... But he's Mr. P. He picked a veteran ghostwriter and they probably sat around at the conference tables. What do you mean about Dykstra? Ah, arrogant prick.

This ghostwriter went fucking crazy. Instead of darling, he could have got out of it and gulped and winged that show, but he stuck with it and just made a fool of himself. And like I said... He's got no personality, so he's got to bury

someone else to be interesting. But pick me as an enemy? Why the fuck would you pick me as an enemy? I'm the last motherfucker you want as an enemy, dude. And he knows it. He thinks about me every fucking night. I'll tweet out there, hey, Ron Darnley, how does your wife fuck you at night?

I fucked better in drama class. I knew your boy Elvis right behind you. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, Elvis. You knew a few things about pills. Yeah.

Elvis. But he died taking a pills, didn't you? Yeah. Wow. Elvis. Yeah. But he died taking a shit, didn't he? Yeah, he died taking a shit. Strained on the toilet. Yeah. He was all oxied up. He couldn't shit.

Yeah. I've wondered about dying like fucking, you know. There's times where you literally think, can I die fucking? And I read about it. You can. Yeah, of course. Yeah. He died doing anything.

Died doing anything. Right, dude. He died hitting a double. This is a fucking great story, true story. He died hitting a double. Yeah, because, no, listen,

so the end of my career, you know, like I'm beat up. Fregosi was giving me Sunday games, Sunday day games off after a night game. So especially, so we're in Florida, dude, and talking about no fucking air, and this was before they had a dome, you know, at the football stadium there. And, dude, like the humidity and the fucking, like you couldn't breathe there. So anyway, Saturday night we'd play, go out and I get fucking hammered.

And I walk in the fucking struggle with lumps. Somehow make it into the clubhouse. I look at the lineup and I'm leading off. I'm like, what the fuck? And I look in the pro's office over there. I'm looking. It gives me a grin like fucking, because then we were playing bad and everything. So I'm saying, fuck, man, what am I going to do?

He was trying to fuck you by having you. Yeah, he did. I said, what am I going to do? There's not enough shit I can take. There's no fucking way I can play. And remember Eric Gregg, the umpire? Yeah. The big dude just passed on, rest in peace.

But he was ump, you know. And I said, what am I doing? I said, I know. I got him. I want to get thrown out of the fucking game, you dumb motherfuckers. And he has a fucking curve again. First pitch, right down the middle. Right down the middle.

I turn around to Eric Gregg. I said, you fat motherfucker. Have another fucking cheeseburger. Fuck. I go, I'm just going off on him. He says, Lenny, I already know it.

Jimmy already told me. He said, that's for ghosting. He says, if I'm going to be out here and see you for two and a half hours, you're going to be out here. Oh, fuck. So the problem is, I break a fucking bat, dude, and I hit a fucking ball over the third baseman's head.

I couldn't swing. But I had to run. I get a double. Dude, I couldn't fucking breathe, dude. I mean, I went into vapor lock. I'm saying, fuck. Don't die out here. I wonder if anyone's ever died in a fucking double.

The short's like, I'm so high. Shut the fuck up. I'm like, what if anyone there died in a fucking double? The short guy's like, hey, shut the fuck up. You know, I said, breathe, motherfucker. Just fucking just breathe. Because that had so much shit in me. Did like 30 Vikings and fucking everything else. Yeah. Which can induce a panic attack. Whoa.

It's also crazy that no one's ever shit themselves on the field. Football happens. Yeah. But I don't think baseball just gets trapped out there. I've thought about that. I've thought about that. But, I mean, there's certain guys that, like, see, I was a red light player, man.

I mean, my numbers in the postseason, I got hits when they mattered. And that's. Do you have highest home runs in postseason? Yeah, like I'm third Behind these two guys One's Babe Ruth And Lou Gehrig I'm not bragging

It's called OPS by the way Would you knock around guys? But I'll tell you What I do have Yeah baby Lead off Lead off home run Game five

Yeah dude This is a cool setting there man yeah it's nice you got a good vibe in here thank you bro you let me do this for some pussy It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore