Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Ep. 9 with Jordan Jensen "Hermler"

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

Jordan is back and as usual, she delivers some madness. These two crack up about menstruation, Ian's blind pal "Mangos", and jump-humping. Thanks for listening! If you would like to hear more, please sub to the Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod Follow: Ian Fidance @ianimal69 on Twitter and Follow Jordan Jensen on IG @jordanjensenlolstop            

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know, he means giving it, not getting it. Okay, thanks.

Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, an Ian. Be an Ian with Jordan. Jamaican pasta. Jamaican pasta.

You don't like it? You don't like Jewish people. You think I can post a video where I'm doing a thick Jamaican accent? Yeah, man! Why not? I was talking about how my mom grew pot plants in my room, but she didn't tell me. When? So I came home from college, and I was like, Mom, why is the doorknob not on my room? And she was like, no reason.

And she was like snickering, and I was like, what the fuck is going on? And then she was laughing so hard, wouldn tell me wouldn't tell me and then i put my ear up against the door and heard like bob marley playing and i was like all right why does it smell like fertilizer why is bob marley playing and she opened the door and it was just weed plants to the ceiling with um bob marley playing and on stage i did the joke where they were like welcome to your childhood bedroom all the the plants are like, come on in, baby girl. She put on Bob Marley to help the plants feel more at home? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, little ones. I know you're far away from Kingston. So here comes some Marley for you. Everything is going to be ID. Buffalo Soldier. They're growing, Jordan. It was crazy. Dude, I could not believe it.

I mean, she was laughing so hard. There was a whole boombox playing. She had it all set up. Wow. I have heard that if you play songs and stuff to plants, they like it. It's like we're plants, man. I don't really believe that, but... Yeah, if you play music, people like it.

Can we find science on that? I would love to actually know if there's science. Yeah, can you look that up? If you sing to plants, does it help them grow? Not from like a, you know, astrolog know astrologists yeah it's such a myth all right hold on where do these claims about here's what pisses me off every single article that you read it doesn't give you an answer same recipes here's my history with poultry yeah i first got into foul when I was in college and experiencing loss.

It's like, I just want to learn how to bake a chicken. Yeah. One of the earliest studies of the effect of music on plants conducted in 1962 by Dr. T.C. Singh.

Of course it was the 60s. Had a body and a... The classical music found their growth rate increased by 20%. Wow, that's a big percentage. Along with a 72% increase in biomass. He then exposed crops to raga music over loudspeakers

and found they yielded 25% to 60% more than the national average. Jordy, what is raga? Nuh-uh. No. What? R-A-G-A. Music. It's got to be-G-A. Music. It's got to be reggae.

Ragas. Oh. Melodies in Indian music. Ragas. Oh, right. Raga. Yeah. Raga.

Raga. Yeah. He's a great comic. He ended up quitting. Fuck. comic he ended up quitting fuck Ian fuck fuck I used to say that kid's name all around his house I never knew it but I just loved

saying it all the time same with Sagalow I would be at home and like Mike would be like he wants me on the fridge and I'd be like oh a Sagalow please and then I met him and I was like nothing I would be at home and Mike would be like, he wants me at a fridge. And I'd be like, oh, a sagolo, please. And then I met him and I was like, nothing? There was this comic. Oh, my God. There was this comic.

Do you remember Jeff Weschelsmith? Yeah. He was so funny. Yeah, he's so funny. I don't know what happened to him. But my favorite thing in the world is when people get names wrong without any irony. Yeah. Like Attell thought Rosebud's name was Snowball.

It's so good. It's so good. He's like, what's that girl's name? The young girl. She writes her SNL Snowball. So good. She looks like her name could be Snowball. Rosebud! But Jeff Wichelsman was trying to talk about

Kunal and he was like oh what's what's his name I think he changed it recently what was his name Ratnish that's so out of the realm of anything close

but also so like acutely aware of the like, whatever the fucking ethnicity is that he like, it's like if he was saying in English, like, what is his name? Oh, is it Hayden? You know what I mean? Instead of like a Joe. Really good. Wow.

God. Yeah, he's hilarious. He walked up to me once and I was on my bicycle. And he was like, he like waved to me. He was like, hey. And I kind of pulled over to like say what's up to him. And then I got off and I was on my bicycle. And he was like, he like waved to me. He was like, hey. And I kind of pulled over to like say what's up to him. And then I got off and looked and he was gone. And I was like, boogie.

See you later. Good catching up. So weird. Dude, you know, one time I was on my bicycle, deep part of Brooklyn, shirtless, music playing. I see John Lassester on the street corner and he's with three guys blank yeah and they had do rags and jewelry and i go by and i ring my bell and i go johnny johnny lester hey and he just stares at me and they all went and they go yo is that your boy and he goes no no nah, nah, that's a fan.

He totally denied knowing me because I was shirtless on a bike. Like, hey, John. Wait. Because he didn't want them to be like, you're gay. Did you talk to him in person and he admitted? Yeah, yeah. He really admitted it? Yeah, he told me.

We laughed so hard about it. Oh, my God, that's so funny. Yeah, and then he was talking to these three hot women one night, these, like, really hot, like, done-up white girls. And so I took my shirt off, and I rode around him like a shark, and I kept going, hey, John Lester, my best friend, don't deny knowing me. And they were like, what?

Oh, that's so good. Yeah, it was great. That's so good. I'm glad he admitted it. Oh, that's so good. Yeah, it was great. That's so good. I'm glad he admitted it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, he was, I, if I were him, I probably would have done the same. Yeah. I'd be like, no, I don't know that guy.

Such a good move to do. Just go to fan, because not knowing you wouldn't have been believable, but that's a fan. He one-ups himself. Yeah, yeah, makes himself look good and also denies knowing the queer on the bike. Yeah. You know? That rules. Yeah queer on the bike. Yeah. You know? That rules. Yeah.

He's great. Yeah. He always does his Blap ad before I get on. Oh, yeah. Love him to death, but goddamn. Yeah. Oh, no, that, that, I, I did a thing. It got 99.9% overwhelming positivity, but man, the 1% that didn't like it, really.

Woo-hoo! His app, the Blap app. So it's called Blap. It helps you find black-owned businesses in whatever town you're in. So I always go on. I try to support it. I like John. Blap app.

It helps you find Blap. Yeah. Helps you locate the geolocation of Blap. Yeah. If you're looking for some Blap. And then you just end up calling the police because you're like, I heard Blap, Blap, Blap. There's gunshots.

Dude, Sean Patton last night doing a Jamaican accent pretending to be Jamaican RoboCop. Have you seen him do that? No. I was crying. I had to go up after him. I was weeping on stage. I clapped my hands with joy watching him.

Your tampon came out? I was laughing so hard that my tampon, like, slid out of me a little bit. Yeah, that's how hard. I'm telling you. I even told the whole audience that that's what happened. Oh, no. Why? But he was literally going up there and being like, I am Robocop.

Pretending to fuck somebody going. It was out of. And the audience was, like, not really having it. Really? It was doubling down, dude. It was gnarly. And then at the end, it, like, crushed. But it down, dude. It was gnarly. And then at the end, it like crushed. But it was like.

He's the fucking best. He is the best. He brings me so much joy. And also. He operates out of full absurdity. It's so good. The fact that you told. What was the crowd response?

You were like, my tampon came out. They laughed. They liked it. They did enjoy the honesty. Was it a show and tell moment? No, no. I didn't pull it out. It was like.

You're getting sleepy. I enjoy the honesty. Was it a show and tell moment? No, no. I didn't pull it out. It was like, see? You're getting sleepy. You can kind of push him out a little bit. Can you? Oh, no. Are you doing it now on my couch? No, just get it a little where you can feel it in there. Oh, it looks like a bleeding slug. I was about to be like, if you want to know what it feels like, put your finger in your vagina.

What? Oh, no. I can about to be like, if you want to know what it feels like, put your finger in your vagina. It's just like you don't have a vagina. Oh, no. I can put it in my bunghole. Yeah, it's like poop. What? Put your vagina. Blood.

No. Feels like poop. The tampon is in there. It feels like a poop. In your vagina. No. Are you doing it now? God. Stop.

I'm getting a hard one. Wait, what? You're on your period right now and you didn't tell me? Oh, no. No wonder the cat's been meowing and kicking litter everywhere. No wonder Jordy's been sneezing. His allergies are acting up. Everything in your house starts acting erratic,

like Matilda, like the cuckoo clock. Cuckoo clock. Your landlord just starts banging. I know you got somebody on their period in there. There's someone free bleeding in the apartment. You know you weren't allowed to when you signed the lease. That sucks. You guys got to bleed. I'm making litter here everywhere. It's like almost normal.

You're bleeding. There's litter everywhere. Cat's choking on a hairball. Jordy's in cardiac arrest. It's such a normal thing that a cat does. The cat keeps drinking all that water. Came in here bleeding. The cat's dehydrated. Cat's dehydrated.

Cat's acting funny. You on your period again? Are you going to shoot it out? Are you going to shoot it out? I'm going to shoot. Hey, folks at home, put on your ponchos. You're in the splash zone. Make it pop out.

Make it pop out. Pop out. Pop out. No! Put it away. Put it away. It's disgusting. You guys bleed.

Everybody goes against God and science. It's gross. And you think we should go down on you while it's happening? No! No! My sheets have stains on them. Pop it out. Put's gross. And you think we should go down on you while it's happening? No! No! My sheets have stains on them! Pop it out! Put it in! Put it back in! Oh, God! It looks like a depressed teen is sleeping in my bed. It's cutting blood

everywhere. Oh, my God. I had period sex the other day. Like I said, it really does make, like, glue. Yeah. It's really fucked up. Yeah, and it gets in our pubes. Oh, just a matted neck. Poor us. Yeah.

Well. Yeah. It gets every, sometimes if I smell it, I'm like, this shit's not going to work tonight. Really? Uh-huh. No way. Yeah. I act like a cat.

I start kicking litter everywhere. Can't get hard and kick litter at the same time, brother. I feel like you Some people are really into it Some people are a little too into it But some people are reasonably into it Not into it No

Too gooey? Is it too mushy? Too gluey? Too gooey, too smelly, too icky poo Yeah, icky poo You are a gay man Icky poo You are a gay man Give me a man's ass That's my get out of jail free card

When she's on her period I'm like, it's man's ass week for me, sis. Ew, you bleed from the front? I'm fucking in the back. That could be a really funny joke. I'm dating a gay man, so whenever I'm on my period, it's pride

week. Leave the kitties at home for this parade. This parade is going down the Hershey Highway only. I do wonder that about women who date by men. I'm like, they got to be really effeminate. You know what I mean? They see your period and they're like, oh, get out. Hello.

Yeah. No, I don't mind the period. But you were also raised white trash. So it seems like you'd be okay with it. Yeah, do you know why I don't like it? Because I found period stuff all over the house because the dog got in the trash and it weirded me out. Yeah, yeah. I don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

Brings me back to childhood, mama. Yeah, people are like, you're white trash, you should be more, you know, exploratory in bed. And I'm like, no, I watched my father fuck very young women in like the tent over on a camping trip we were on she was just a married woman why were you bringing young women on camping trips he would fuck really young hot women how young like well i was really young at the time so now they're they're probably like 30 year olds he's probably like 50 something oh i thought you were like, well, he was bringing the Girl Scout troop to the camp trip. No, but you might as well be a pedophile if your kids can hear you orgasming. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It was gross. Me and my sister would be like, oh, this girl sounds pretty good. She's better than the last one. You could hear him in the tent? Oh, my God. Or would they just be like, we're looking for the bug spray.

I remember waiting for him to finish so that I could go get food. No. Oh, god. Or would they just be like, we're looking for the bug spray. I remember waiting for him to finish so that I could go get food. No. Oh yeah. Me and that woman's daughter were shaking their tent. Being like, we're hungry. And I remember my dad, and it was moaning, and I remember my dad being like, get the fuck out of here. And we both just waited. How old were you?

Maybe eight, nine. Forever. My parents are the most sexual people in the whole world. Both of them. My dad way more, though. These women were. I just drank a big old glass of sad when you told me that. One time.

Is it bad? Is it bad? Is it bad? Is it bad? You're eight years old shaking under town while your dad's humping a fucking loosey-goosey gal from town. But is it bad like going to come up later for me in some weird way? It's already come up in lots of weird ways. Have you ever met ya?

We're connecting the dots. We're coloring by numbers and we just connected three and four. Am I going to be weird? Am I going to be weird because I heard my dad? Going to be weird because I heard my dad come? Am I weird because I heard my dad come? Can we go back to that coffee shop so I can ask that woman? Am I weird because I heard my dad come? She'll just be like, oh, it's a miracle.

This is what I've been doing on stage at the cellar. And I have to rain it. I'll say something crazy. And people are like, ooh. And I'm like, is that bad? And they're like, I think so, dude. You are truly like if a raccoon got struck by lightning and had sentience

for like 30 seconds. Yeah. It's not bad. You're dead to pop shots while you're playing with a Tamagotchi in the woods. You just give the raccoon life for two seconds. I'm going to get him out of the dumpster.

Is that bad? Yeah. I heard my dad face fuck a stripper in a bowling alley once. I go up into your freezer and eat your mochi. You do when you walk in. Yeah, I do. Which is good. I got to get rid of the mochi.

It's been with everyone. I'm pumped. Did you ever talk about it afterwards? With dad? No, you and the girl. Rhea? Yeah. Her mom's name was Diane and her name was Rhea.

Pretty close to diarrhea. Diarrhea? No, Rhea, she was white trash. She was a scary girl. Why? She was like, remember those kids growing up that were compulsive liars? Oh, I thought you meant she was like, that's no big deal, my dad's coming to my mom.

No, no, no. No big deal. No, but we were both like in denial of, we were both just like, this is fine. That was the same trip where I pooped in the lake and learned that poop floats. I pooped in the ocean once. It floats? I don't know, but I was on mushrooms and I was like floats. I pooped in the ocean once. It was amazing. I don't know, but I was on mushrooms and I was like, I feel like I'm one with everything.

This is how we're meant to poop. And holy shit. Thank God nothing happened, but we're all mushrooms and we had it in our heads that it would be hilarious to break into someone's house and shove our foot in someone's toilet. So we were going around Asbury Park trying to break into people's house and shove our foot in someone's toilet. So we were going around Asbury Park trying to break into people's homes to shove our foots in their toilets. It's like a goof.

Because we're like, wouldn't it be funny if you woke up and someone was just putting their foot in your toilet? You were trying to break into somebody's house? People's homes and put our foots in their toilets. So they could find you. It was funny at the time. How old were you?

This was last year. This was like 2013 wow not a child you weren't like 13 years old no i didn't grow up in a fucking barn like you in our memories wow wow that's wild yeah i can't imagine in what world thinking that's a good idea. In a mushroom world. I know. Where I was so shit in the ocean and was like, this is how we should all shit. That I understand. I could imagine being like, maybe I should eat my shit to create a cycle out of myself.

But I can't imagine being like, I want to go be around people who are mad. No, no, no. We didn't want to be around the people. We thought that that would be a way to overcome people being upset is if they saw you doing something so absurd, you would all laugh. We were like, we got to put the foot in the toilet, man. We had to bring people joy. And also I did mushrooms and I went to a ladies firefighter auxiliary auction

and I bought a painting for $5 and I sold it on the boardwalk for $10 and got it in my head I should be an art flipper for a living. Your mushrooms sound a lot like cocaine what that's what that sounds like i've never wanted to be an entrepreneur from fucking mushrooms if anything i'm like fuck business i don't even know what money is now what is you know bitcoin i remember flipping me out i was like this is all everything is why do you think I stopped doing mushrooms? Yeah, that's crazy. I still do them all the time. No drugs ever worked on me the right way they were supposed to.

The first time I ever did a gravity bong, I tried to bite my own fingers off. My friends had to sit on me and thought they'd have to call the police. See, that I understand. I remember being on acid and being like, it sucks that I can only feel cold air between my fingers, and I want to feel it in my fingers. And I remember being like, there's only one way to make that happen. That makes sense to me. The last time I did acid, I hung out with my Egyptian blind friend I nicknamed Mangos and I walked around my neighborhood at five in the morning.

On mushrooms? Acid. Years ago. Wow. I used to smoke weed with a blind Egyptian that lived next door to me. And I showed up to Luke Mona's and Micah Brucey's bar show at Topaz up the street. Oh, yeah. And Luke comes up. He goes, there's a really big blind man in the back with a stick.

And I go, that's my friend Mangoes. You called him Mangoes? Yeah, I called him Mangoes. And he was a big dude? Huge Egyptian man. Blind. Wow. You called him Mangos? Yeah, I called him Mangos. And he was a big dude? Huge Egyptian man, blind. I called him Mangos because if you're blind, you only know who someone is if they identify themselves.

And instead of going like, hey, Jordan, it's me, Ian. Or like, it's Ian. I was like, we both like mangoes, so I'm just going to call you Mangos. Just walk around with a blind guy and be like, hey, Mangos, we're making a left. Or I'd see him and be like, we both like mangoes, so I'm just going to call you mangoes. Just walk around with a blind guy. Be like, hey, mangoes, we're making a left. Or I'd see him and be like, mangoes! Wow. Yeah.

And he didn't mind it at all. No, he loved it. Really? And he did acid with you? Yeah. I think doing acid with a blind person, I would have a nervous breakdown. What? Like they would then see?

Or that I wouldn't. Dude, he'd smack his stick around. He'd hold my arm. Yeah, and the other day, this guy was smacking his stick around, almost walked right into traffic, and I was like, oh, watch out. Literally almost died. Did he get mad at you? He went like this.

And kept walking. I was like, what? That's how often that happens to you? I literally turned him 90 degrees and was like, no, no, that way. And he's like, yep. I was like, now where are you going going you're going a completely different place now it was like he was like yeah that's how i avoid cars as people bumper me it was so weird really weird if he had gotten mad i would have understand if he had been thankful i would understand but i did not expect just, yep.

Luke told me he looked at the back of the room and there was a large blind man standing on an ornate stick going. He had the ornate stick? He didn't have the tapper? Oh, my God. Wow. That's how I left. And where is he now? Well. Uh-oh. No way. the tapper oh my god wow that's how i left and where is he now well uh oh no way we got the nostril flare i don't know what happened but i will tell you where my mind was at at the time

he had roommates who were his cousins that would only speak in arabic and they'd be very excited to see him and when i would show up they would just and they'd be very excited to see him. And when I would show up, they would just start, they would be singing and excited. And then they'd see me and they'd start. And I'm like, oh my God. Cause I think they thought I was Jewish, you know? And they were like against that. And their apartment had no furniture, no decorations.

And he kept talking about how he was the one, because he could see if he put the computer screen up to his face like this and he would spend his time online all day working for them. Like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like this. Like right up to his face. He had a special big screen like this that he would look at and work all day online for them.

And I was like like what are they doing oh they go around town they do research and blah blah and then he was like we have to leave we're moving to ohio and i go where and he goes i don't know yet but we're moving to ohio and i was like oh my god these guys are terrorists living next to me and why would they have an apartment with no decorations if they're just gonna explode themselves what's he doing on the computer what's he doing on the computer mangoes what is mangoes doing on the computer i don't know search him for for and maybe he got maybe he went blind when in some sort of torture accident yeah are they you know we're waterboarding him with bleach or something well let's call him

do i still have his number wow we both had the same thought at the same time that was crazy that was nuts if mangoes is in here jamaica pasta no he's not in here hold on maybe blind neighbor oh my god here hold on maybe blind neighbor oh my god chris no one time i got acid and got leeches all over my yeah i slid down a waterfall naked and i got leeches just all in my butt crack and me and brianna got covered in leeches and our buddies had to we had to bend over a rock as they pulled them off. Wait, wait, wait. In your butthole or on the rim? Not in my butthole. Like inside my butt cheeks and on my butt.

Eight, I would say. We slid down a full waterfall. I've slid down waterfalls. I didn't end up with shit in my ass. Were you naked? No. Oh, you were. But it didn't go in your pussy. No. Wow. We were on our butts. Your pussy's so gross, at least you'd rather go in your butthole.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I shot tampons out of them. That's like a new arcade game. Like 28-bit where you just go poof, poof, poof. I don't know if I've ever pushed one out fully. One time a guy came in me and I hated him. It was in art school. And he said something smarmy.

I don't know what it was. Sol LeWitt makes art that is more than your pinky worth of whatever. You know what I mean? Sol LeWitt makes art better than artists. So I stood over his art book

and pushed out the come on to the art book. But he didn't know what I was doing, but I was making eye contact with him. What, like Reagan and the Exorcist? Yeah, I was looking at him. And pushed out his cum right onto his really expensive art book. You are, take your son back We ain't got

Spoon for him This ain't a hospitable vessel Put your spawn back From whence it came You like art so much? Yeah. Why don't you fuck it? Try to sell this, partner.

Wait a minute. What did he do? How's this for a sculpture? What did he do? I'm going to take a Bosca squat over this. What do you think of this, Picasso? More of a Jackson Pollock. Yes!

Woo! Sync the fuck up like two bitches on a period. Pretty good. Woo! Pretty good. Pretty good. That was great. You up, brother. So what did this dude do when there was goo all over his schedule? I don't know.

I don't know. I think that was the last I saw of him. Pretty good, though. I was proud of myself. Yeah. Yep. Just a fucking animal animal i was an animal especially in college people called me gypsy and i didn't know why and then i found out every time i got blackout drunk i would steal people's ipods what and do what with it i don't know i found like a bag of them later though

i did i did i was like a nigerian with a bunch of knockoff purses found like a bag of them later though. I did. I did. I would store it. She's like a Nigerian with a bunch of knockoff purses. Yeah, like a Nigerian hamster. Would anyone like these iPads? Yeah. Oh my God. Frat dudes. I would break into their house.

Oh, I excuse that. That's okay. Steal their booze and their iPods. No, no, no. No. But apparently it had to branch into friends because they would all call me that. The dudes downstairs, they would all say gypsy. And I was like, why are people starting to say that?

And they're like, you steal shit when you're blackout. Like a lot of shit. My nickname was Piggy. Really? Yeah, because I was fat like a pig. And I used to stick my belly out and slap and go. Wow, Piggy's a good one. Yeah, well, because I went to this girl's place, blackout, and I just like woke up in her bed.

I was naked and I heard her on the phone and she was in the other room. She goes, yeah, yeah. He came over last night and passed out in my bed. He's still here naked laying there like a fat pig. I was like, I'm going to get my stuff now. You heard her say that? Yeah, yeah. And then I told my friends And so they would call me piggy

And I would just like Oink To them Yeah Wow Women are ruthless Yeah I have a picture of me Doing the piggy

We were in Montreal In my friend's minivan And I was wearing a helmet We opened the door And we were driving By French people And I was going Ring ring ring

Slap in my big belly Dude isn't it so fucked up When you're the funny one Of the group How you look back And you're like funny one of the group how you look back and you're like why would i allow myself to do that i was just a little fucking jester boy i mean it's and you think at the time you're like i'm being so cool making everybody laugh and then you look back and you're like oh you poor child yeah that's how i feel about you now when you're like, I saw my dad come when I was eight.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm on stage like, I'm sucking in a fucking in a dude. It's like, oh, that poor child. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, well, at least we're making money off of it now. At least we're making money off of it now, yeah. But at the time, I thought it was so. Oh, yeah.

I was like, at least I have friends. And they all just are like putting flame up to my fucking face, being like, let's see if your eyes burn. You're like, what? I thought those were jokes. I thought we were doing jokes. It's true. Like a fat pig.

That's fucked up. Girls are fucked up. What are the stories? Yeah. Microphone. Okay. All right. What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. That's true. What happened? I was at a pizza shop, and I dared a guy. He couldn't fuck me in the ass, and he took me home, and I woke up naked in his bed, and I said, I was like, do we fuck?

How did I end up here? He goes, well, we were in a pizza shop, and you said you bet I couldn't fuck you in the ass, so I took you home, but you passed out like a fat pig in my bed. Was he an Australian guy? Yeah. Was he hot? Ornately, like, the nicest apartment I've ever seen in my life. Like, where I was walking away, I was like, should I marry him?

Was he gay? No, he had a family. What do you think? I don't know. He's taking me home trying to bang me in the ass. What do you think? He's doing a science project? So you just walked into the pizza place and you... Yeah, I was black out drunk. Maybe you should date a man. I think he was trying to get I think I was trying to get

I think I was trying to trade my asshole for a slice of pizza. Love. Yeah. I mean, the fact that you're like, I'll double dare you to hold me. I bet you won't lay in bed and kiss my collarbone. Yeah. I bet you wouldn't fuck me in the ass.

You can't if you tell me forever is a long enough time to be with me. I bet. Hey, hey, hey, I'll bet you 500 bucks you won't fuck me in the ass you can if you tell me forever is a long enough time to be with me I bet hey hey hey I'll bet you 500 bucks you won't take me home and spend a lot of years with me and we get on a family phone plan I love you I bet you won't meet my family

I bet you won't finally make me feel comfortable being in the embrace of a man that I've been running from my whole life. I bet you. Stupid bitch says I love you too. A guy who's going to marry me says what? I feel like I've done that so many times with men. I'm like, you won't.

And they're like, I don't want to. And I'm like, I knew it. And they're like, fine. And I'm like, thank God. Let's go. What? Take you home? Yeah, totally. That's like a ploy.

That's such a fucked up way. I mean, I think comics do it because we're such roasters. But the like tactic of being like, you're too prude. You would never. And then you wake up the next day and you're like, did they want this? I remember I like made out with a friend's sister at like a party once. And somebody was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you wake up the next day and you're like, did they want this? I remember I, like, made out with a friend's sister at, like, a party once. And somebody was like, she's a real slut. And I was like, ooh, let's go.

We were, like, in bed. And she's like, do you think I'm a slut? And I was like, I heard that you are. And I was hoping. And she was like, I'm not a slut. She, like, made out with me. I was like, you're not a slut. She was like, I can be a slut. She like made out with me. I was like, you're not a slut. She was like, I can be a little bit of a slut.

And then I came in my pants and made an excuse for why I had to go home. She wanted to be a little slut. What's the craziest thing a girl's wanted you to say to her during sex? Oh, I don't want to. Well, you know what I'm going to say. A while ago. Remember? well you know what I'm going to say remember pandemic pandemic

I don't remember during the pandemic you had sex with somebody what did we have sex what happened when you remember who i was with no what the girl i dated oh yeah yeah yeah that one what did she make you say the terrible things really yeah oh you're trying not to say her name on this oh oh i was like i thought you were with somebody are you saying this because you cheated no she made you

say terrible things yes i told you this remember the wee whoop remember how about you what's a guy made you say what's a guy said to you what did she made she seemed pretty normal no No, no, no, no, no. You're not. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where did you learn to whisper? Could you hear it? No, it's not. It's not that it was too loud it's the way that you said it i'll think of a different word um i'll use the name sasha you went like hot arabian winds hitting my Hitting my Hitting my ear That was so scary

Like you were gonna conjure her If she heard you Yeah okay oh yeah pandemic totally What did she make you say I don't know I've never had anybody ask me to do oh yeah What There was one guy who wanted to be

The Like wanted for me to just be Like you're a bad guy Like you're a really bad guy Over and over like you're evil and mean And you know all those things She wanted me to tell her I'd murder her Oh that's awesome

Like kill me tell me you'll kill me Tell me you'll kill me But Tell me you'll kill me. But you won't. Say you won't. I'm like, I'll kill you. But I won't. I could kill you. But I'm not gonna.

I was just like, oh my God, what's happening? I don't think I've ever cummed so hard in my life. Oh my God. Put that in the box and throw it at the river. Never find out again. I want you to not do it though I'm gonna kill you You're gonna die

I'm gonna slice your throat I gotta get the knife sharpened I gotta go to the post office first I'm gonna shoot you in the head This is a hypothetical situation I'm gonna shoot you in the head It's too much to go through getting a firearm these days That's so weird

Yeah Have I ever wanted something crazy? No, I mean obviously all of us want the rape thing It's too much to go through getting a firearm these days. That's so weird. Yeah. Have I ever wanted something crazy? No. I mean, obviously, all of us want the rape thing. Yeah, really? Yeah. It's because it's the epitome of desire. If somebody's like, I'm sorry, but I can't help it but to fuck you.

I have to do this. Well, same girl. She told me she was into rape play, and I didn't know what that meant. And she was like, I'd really, you know, this is what I'm into. If you're not into it, it's okay. And I was like, well, I, you know, I want to like make you feel good, but I go, look, I'm going to be honest. I don't think that I could get a hard on if I'm hiding and wearing a mask.

And she was like, what? No, I mean, consensual non-consent. Like you choke me. And when I say stop, you keep going. And I was like, oh? No, I mean, consensual non-consent. Like, you choke me, and when I say stop, you keep going. And I was like, oh, okay. Why not? Oh, wow. I was like, let's do a rape thing. I'm going to leave my window open.

And I can't be like, hey, how's it going? I'm getting real good at raping. You know? You can't say that. Somebody was telling, a comic the other day was talking about how they're getting into really aggressive sex, and they're getting into really aggressive sex and they're proud of themselves for it. And they're like, yeah, I'm really good at getting whipped or something.

But they're doing like a baby, like I'm a bad little baby as a man. I think most men want that at some point. Like to get smacked around, dominated. This other comic went to a dominatrix recently. It was like it was the most cathartic thing I've ever done in my life. No. Who? Whisper. Oh god! That was like dragon's breath

in my ear! She just went ahhh! I'm telling you. Gypsy! That's what you did. That's what you did to me. I said that into the mic. Yeah, I know. I'm really proud of him.

Wow. Good for them. You guys don't know. Don't worry about it. You will, though. It's very funny. Good for them. Wow.

Yeah, no, I'm not into the. There's a place called Show and Tell in Philly It's a strip club And it's like the bottom Of the barrel strip club Like where you can get A lap dance for a title loan Oh wow wow

It's fucking gnarly Wow You know it Jordy Jordy That's like his spot On the weekend My favorite thing to do

In the podcast Is to make him out To be this lecherous pervert because he's like the nicest man ever. With a family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. He's the kindest man.

Yeah. And it's so funny to imagine. Take it away, Jordy. What are you doing? It's so imagining just standing there in the gimp suit for Pulp Fiction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Jordy, pop it up on the screen. He's like, mmm.

He's got a harem of women come on there's gerbils falling out of his ass he's in the litter box Jordan's a herbarian so dude show and tell they have this thing called the hot seat where they put you on a chair

they handcuff you to the pole whoa and your friends pay the stripper to beat the shit out of you and this woman oh my god dude she slapped me so hard in the face my contact flew out and she was hitting me and yelling and scratching and she unhandcuffed me and i literally tried to crawl off the stage. And she grabbed me and yanked my underwear so hard they ripped off my body. She put me back in the chair. And I go, I know you have a job to do, but can you please stop? She was like, no, you little bitch. And I was like, oh, please, no.

Oh, my God. Did you sign up for it? I came so fast. No, I didn't. I hated it. My friends signed me up. I thought it'd be fun. I was very mad at them. Did it sign up for it? I came so fast. No, I didn't. I hated it. Really? My friend signed me up. I thought it'd be fun.

I was very mad at them. Did it hurt? It didn't feel good. Yes, it hurt. Really? She was scratching your body? Scratching, hitting. She wore a camo hat.

She was known as, like, the hardcore stripper. Wow. Tits as hard as rocks. It was not good. Not good. And then they, like, shoved their pussy in your face And like hump whip cream And you're like Oh god

Stop I don't like this But some people are into it The Hasids The Hasidics go to dominatrix They do Yeah Dude

I know A dominatrix Who told me A Hasidic man showed up With a homemade gas mask Apparatus Yeah That had

Oh holocaust Dude It had What? What? I was homemade gas mask apparatus that had Oh, Holocaust. What? What? Alright. Why don't you talk to fucking Himmler over here. Jesus Christ. I don't want to be,mler over here. Jesus Christ. Oh, I don't want to be, you know, 2022, I want to respect your pronouns.

Hermler. I was so confident. I was so confident. Oh my God, dude. Are you kidding me? That is not good word association, Jordan. Blow the horn. I should not have.

There wasn't even a tiny part of me that thought I was wrong. There wasn't even a tiny part of me that thought that wasn't coming next. And the betrayal of your face going, what? I was so sure. I was so sure he wanted a Holocaust kind of kink. You know, that's why he wore the gas mask. He wasn't going to survive it. Jesus.

So he shows up with a ton of baby shoes. Necklace made of soaps. How dare you make me say that. No. Only in striped pajamas. No. No. No.

He had his homemade face mask apparatus. Okay. That had a tube to a thing in her face where she would smoke cigarettes and breathe in it. And it would go in his face. And the other was hooked up to her ass where she would shit in it. No way. So she'd smoke and shit and it would all just go into his gas mask. Yeah.

Yep. No way. Way.'s smoking shit and it would all just go into his gas mask. Yeah. Yep. No way. Way. First smell of all time. Shit and cigarette? Yeah, bro. Disgusting. But shitting while smoking a cigarette, best feeling of all time.

Yeah, true. Right, but no one's to stand there in the room with you. You don't know what they're thinking. Wow. Yeah. Yep. She told you that and you believe it? Why would she lie? I went to

Beaker Yoga and my yoga instructor one day was like, I accidentally hit a Hasidic guy's car and he got out of the car and he was like, what are we going to do about this? And she was like, I don't know. I can throw you some money or do you want a police report? And he's like, how about we go back to my place and you can make it up to me?

And I was like, did you? And he's like, how about we go back to my place and you can make it up to me? And I was like, did you? And she's like, fuck yeah. And I was like, I can never come back here. You cannot be the person teaching me to fucking find my equilibrium and shit knowing that you blew a Hasid. She blew a Hasidic man? Yeah.

Because they got in an accident. You see me riding my bike up and down the street over and over trying to get hit by cars wearing two helmets oopsies bike broke isn't that crazy yeah i couldn't go to the yoga place anymore not because she did that but i really just found myself being like i can't respect you you're supposed to be what was your relationship with this Bikram yoga instructor? You know how it is. She's like, now let in your chi. Breathe in deep.

I blew a acidic eye because he bumped into my bicycle. You know how it is. Let it out. If you're a comedian personality and you're with all those Lululemon narcs and you make a joke, you're like, ha, ha, you know, it's really funny. I was raped last night and you're like no now I own that you know so many people do that

where they confess the other day I was at a gig Booker is walking me home drunk confesses he walked in on somebody dead he like was confessing about how he hates his wife but he had to marry her because he had a. Podcast secrets.

Yeah. Whoa. Sorry. Sorry, guys. You know that one? No, I don't. I just wanted to feel like I was in on the thing. He was just confessing.

We had like three blocks and I got so, I was like shaking by the time. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. What was the dead body? It was, it was, I feel so bad for saying this. It was like a, well, I don't want to say it because then what if he, I can't put too many dots out there, but he saw a dead body, knocked a woman.

It was crazy. Just a whole life story. People do tell you too much when you, all the time I get told too much, too much all the time. I think it's, we have nice faces. Oh, it's that we divulge immediately.

We roll over and show our bellies, but we don't actually, you know what I mean? I'm not walking in there being like, my dad fucked in a tent on top of me. You know what I mean? How far away was your tent? Right next to it. We were standing outside the tent, shaking

the tent as he was banging this woman out. And he said, leave me alone. Get out of here. No. And you heard noises. And we're like, we can't go anywhere. We're eight. Where are we going to go? It's the woods. It's the woods.

No one's going to get you. We couldn't. We were eight. We didn't know what to do without our parents. We were just going to wander off? Yeah. No. It's the woods.

We were hungry. There was a campsite. There's camp people everywhere. Really? Yeah. Wow. And who else? It was just you and that woman, your dad, and the girl?

Mm-hmm. Whoa. Whoa. I would go camping with my family and ruin their camping trips. Yeah. I would get told, do not misbehave. Please behave yourself.

And then I'd be such a brat, and I'd ruin the weekend. Yeah. This is why we're not having kids. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Best form of bird control?

My memories. It's just going to get worse, too. We're going to be more and more villainized. Dude, people on Columns podcast, when we did that, when we were talking about not having kids, they were like, typical atheist, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, I believe in God. And the guy was like, what does he command you to do?

And I was like, my God's not your God. Like, you're very judgmental. Like, my God, I'm commanded to bring joy. That's what I want to do. You're commanded to come a lot, and you're doing that. The Bible says to have children. You're not following God's orders. And I was like, I bet you eat shellfish and, you know, like.

It's very, very strange. What? It's odd that people on Columns listeners would be... Really? He's fucking Irish. Catholic fucking IRA motherfuckers probably listen. I do wonder if I'll get to a period in my life where I feel like I've defied some sort of laws of nature

if I don't have children. When are you getting up there? Well, I've never talked to a woman who didn't have kids that was like, I wish I had. Well, God bless you. You're still getting your period because that's not going to last long. It's not. It's almost done.

I think I might be barren. I've had a lot of loads blasted up there with no. You have. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, thank God you're barren because could you imagine having those kids with some of those fellas? Oh, boy.

Oh, I would end up being a tent fucker. Yeah. Yeah. You'd end up fucking in a tent. Yeah. Leaving a child to the wilderness. But. What do you call two bears having sex on a camp site?

What is this joke? Fucking in tents or something? I don't know why it has to be bears. I feel like there were bears in that joke, though. What's a cholo call a table with three legs? Not even. That's good. Do you know what a foo is?

What is it? It's a fool. Cholo speak for fool. Oh, okay. What's up, foo? What's up, foo? But I think it's a type of Cholo. No, it's like a silly.

It's like an insult. Like, look at this fool. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. Type in fool Cholo. What is a fool? What is a fool fool? Yeah.

What's up, foo? Confrontational approach by Cholo from any southwestern state in the United States. I don't want to be the person who writes the Urban Dictionary things. Is foo the new brown face? What? Foos Gone Wild represents authentic Cholo culture about as much as Indiana Jones represents.

What? I like Foos Gone Wild. What is Foos Gone Wild? It's a fun aggregate Instagram account of wild cholo fun. It celebrates culture, I feel. Wow. What? Oh, turn this off.

I'm tired of fucking, I'm tired of all these. You know what? I'm going to say it. I'm tired of cancer culture. It's over. It is over. And I'll say this. The left's bad. You know what? The'm going to say it. I'm tired of cancer culture. It's over. It is over. And I'll say this. The left's bad.

You know what? The right's bad, too. I said it. I know. I feel like I'm becoming more right-wing the older I get. It's not cool. Welcome to the club. I find myself to be fiscally liberal, socially conservative.

Yeah, yeah. That's a good way of looking at it. JK. No, I'm Judy. Bleeding heart. Well, I also think I'm being told that I'm a Republican because every time I go on Twitter, I get only Republican. I just got the ad for the Republican date.

But it also is like, then you start. You know what it is? It's that. Break it down, Jordan. Come on, brother. I think what the problem is. Come on, take a stab at it. I think what the problem is is that we think that people are more liberal than they are,

but there's actually very few actually liberal people out there. So you end up. The internet's rotting our brain everybody's mostly chill and then the internet makes us think everything is fucking terrible this person thinks this five people think a certain way and then we think everyone thinks this and then it makes you hate a whole group of people that for the most part don't even feel that way and then it turns what is an extremist crazy point of view into a real-life thing because the more people have eyes on it, the more they go,

yeah, yeah, but it originally, I think a lot of this shit is Russian troll farms and fucking bots that come up with these insane things and then we're all so insane that once we see it, we go, yeah, and we would have never agreed and made it a thing if we never saw it. The problem is Republicans who have a voice on twitter and online are funny and liberals are so inherently republicans online are funny just the things that there's even trump the shit that he says is hilarious oh yeah yeah you know what i mean humor in it because it's anti-woke and then you read the liberal things and you're like i don't

even know if i agree with this because i want to take your lunch money so bad. You know what I mean? But I think like, I mean, yeah, stuff Trump said was funny and like the mannerisms and stuff. But like Ted Cruz will make a tweet that's like, my pronouns are my foot up your ass. And you're like, what? Can I have that? Yeah. But yeah, no, it's fucking, everything's terrible. Everything is fucking awful. I got to get offline.

It's melting my brain. And then I go to every single town. People are cool. People are chill. But then you look at like, if that's the case, then why are all these laws getting overturned? I got an applause break for calling this crazy guy in the audience in Florida, Joe Biden.

People lost their minds. They loved it. It was so funny. I can't wait to go to Florida and be like, hey, y'all. You're one of these people that can trick everybody. If you, in your first half of the set, do all your anti-kids being trans and all you're like, I'm just a roughneck. And then by the end of it, going to buy stuff.

That's what I do. And then I love calling them out on the fact that it was like, you liked me up until now. What's the difference? Yeah. That's good. You know? Yeah. You're catfish.

Catfish and Republicans. Yeah. You should have, you should, yeah. Have there be like a pivotal point. Well, I do get told a lot? Like, uh, cause like not a lot of guys know that it's okay to be with guys if they're not like a lispy, whatever. Yeah.

So it was kind of cool to hear that and know that that's like making people for feel more okay with themselves, you know? Mm. Has anybody said that to you? But like, I thought it wasn't okay to have a mustache and fucking do it in the ass. But now that I see you.

Kinda. Really? Not the mustache thing but guy stuff. Yeah. I get messages like that all the time. Mine's the opposite. Mine sounds so mean. I'm like it's okay to look gay but hate fucking the same sex and think it's weird and bad. My thing is like live your

truth. If you've wanted to do that, amazing, great, but don't start comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you do, don't start comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the Floridians are hard to gauge now because I think they short-circuited

because they were like, we said we hate gays forever, but now all my neighbors are gay. So now they're just alcoholics and they're lobotomized. Oh, yeah. Dude, alcoholism is on the rise right have you seen the seller lately has been like i have to leave immediately after it's insane how much people fucking drink and get away with it yeah it's crazy yeah i saw this couple last night at the view i think they got told to ask and the guy

was counting out his money but he was like doing this sway thing and then his girlfriend was behind him also doing this sway thing and then she just grabbed hold of him and then they both started like double swaying what about those moms that came up oh yeah remember they're like where do we go to like clubs for moms we're moms and we just want to go dancing where moms when are you gonna say we look way younger than we are? When are you going to be shocked that we're saying we're moms? I mean, you're just like... Yeah.

Are you shocked we're moms? Yeah, because you're fucking retarded. That's why I'm shocked. Somebody coming to you and it's not a crime. Taking advantage of the lesser brained. Do you know where somebody can go to dance that looks really hot,

but they're older than anything they are, but then they have kids, but they're out and they keep their husband's across the street? Do you know where we can go to dance where the music's not that loud, kind of low, so we can tell everyone around us that we're moms and we don't usually do this?

And then we look across the street and they're like, husbands were hooked up to the bike lock. They were just like, wait, wait for it. That was crazy. And they were like four inches shorter than both of them and just hustled behind them. That was bad. Yikes.

Dude, some of the people after those shows, the worst. There was one woman in Florida who stuck her head between two swinging doors. Because that's like the room to the kitchen kitchen which is also kind of the green room we weren't we we used and it went on for 25 minutes until i had tears streaming down my face as i was talking to her being like oh yeah you used to live in dc are you gonna say it again and she's like and now we live in florida never did she enter the room it was crazy and then her head would like disappear a little bit and then she came back and did it's a really good set and I'd be like We're gonna cycle again Holy shit

Buckle up It was so funny I was losing my mind It was a muppet It was nuts Oh god Someone's married to that And that's someone's mom

Dude yeah An old man is married to her She definitely Yeah Somebody's mom Rough Dude there was someone In the crowd the other night.

She was 30. She was with her stepdaughter, who was 19, and they were there together hanging out drinking, and the dad was like 47, and the dad was in Dubai. Oof. And they were both smoke shows. Really? Mm-hmm. Yikes. Yep. Not yikes for what I was thinking. and they were both smoke shows. Really?

Yikes. Not yikes for what I was thinking. I've had that with my mom's girlfriend who was the hottest woman ever and she was my age. Your mom dated a girl your age? I think I was probably 25. She was 28. My mom was like 58 or something. No way.

She was really hot? Oh my god. Yeah. She was a farmer. Oh, my God, yeah. She was a farmer. Ripped. Yeah, crazy. All my friends would come over to... Would you hang out with her? Yeah, I worked for her. We would skinny dip together at work.

Nuh-uh. Yeah, yeah, totally. Oh, my God. Yeah? Yeah. Wee-oo! Wee-oo! Ooga!

Ooga! Yeah, they were fucked up. She was so hot. I mean, it was crazy. Would you have ever done something with her? No, but there were a couple times when my mom would break up with her that I felt like she was oddly flirtatious with me because I am very similar to my mom, and I remember a couple times being like, don't.

Why? What would she do? I don't know. Flirt? She'd be like, Jordan, isn't it weird that my pussy's so small? Oh, God. We were Googling different vaginas. Jordan, everyone says I have a cute asshole.

What do you think? I don't know what. With her, it was more like, you want an extra one of my hard ciders? It was like that. She was that kind of a fan. She was like that she was that kind of like yeah yeah you can pet my dog you know if you want you can use my dewalt router yeah yeah it was one of those let me put your hand on the wrench so you could feel them you know the thing oh my god yeah oh my

god my mom my mom had a friend who we were pretty sure she was a lesbian, but she was so dedicated to God, but she would say things in like the language of Jesus. Like, um, like one time she said to my mom, it was like so weird. She would always wear denim and,

uh, she would always drink Coors Lights yeah she had a Corona Coors Lights yeah she had a dog named Liam it was a little um corgi and one time she said to my mom she was like the lord brings people into each other's lives for reasons unknown to both of them and then would like hug my mom before she left i'm like straight yeah there's a lot of those there's a lot of the women who become lesbians but they in southern places i see you see them all the time at shows and their husband is like this tiny little shriveled up raisin and then they have this wife that's like this big Donna looking at, you know what I mean? She says short hair. One time she said to my mom, she was like, Leviticus 47, 13 says, it's not a sin for

your friend Patty to eat your snatch. I was like, what? That's not what the Bible says. And I watched my mom fucking a tent. It was pretty intense. The soaking thing I just found out about that Will Silvins always talks about. Soaking. When you said that you were shaking your dad's tent, I was like, that's like your version of soaking.

Oh, yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Do you know about that from Will? No, I know that from everyone that knows things about Mormons. What about Will? I was laughing so hard the other day talking to my mom about how she loves her Amish people who work for her. And I think it's that she likes the idea of owning women, just like owning people.

And I was like, you should become a Mormon, more man, have a more woman. And I was cracking myself up. I think that that's what I was like, mom, you know,

you can't, you can't. Leviticus. What about Leviticus? Okay. Wait, so Will Sovins once, what? He just told me about the soaking thing.

You didn't know about that? I didn't know about it. Is it real? Yeah, dude. Mormons stick their dicks in women and just sit there like that because vibrating is sex and if they do that, it's not sex. So they get a friend to come over and hop on the bed. So it makes them vibrate and jiggle around.

No way. I don't believe it. Look it up. Just like girls that are Christian will have butt sex and go, it's not sex. No. The butt sex thing is real. I know it from a friend.

But how, how does somebody justify that? A lot of mental gymnastics. In the Bible, does it say thou shalt put it in the sphincter, but not the sphincter? Reservatis. Soaking, marinating, or floating. Sexual practice is inserting the penis into the vagina, but not subsequently thrusting reportedly be used by the members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That was Manti Teo's church as a purported loophole in the church's ban on premarital in intercourse. Soaking went viral on Tik TOK accompanied by jump pumping, which involves enlisting the help of a third person to bounce on the bed on which a couple is lying while they are engaged in soaking, thus generating the missing element of motion without allegedly making the couple responsible

for the presence of the motion. I wish I could see a video. The third person has been termed the bed jumper or the provo pusher. That's so crazy. Why is it called Provo pusher? Providence pusher, maybe? I don't know.

It sounds so legitimate. I got to go. I got to gig being a Provo. Oh, Provo, Utah. Oh. Wow. The Provo pusher. I'm going to give them the Delaware dick down.

You're going to give them the Ithaca itch because y'all probably have crabs. Definitely just high yeast. Definitely high yeast up there. Northern New York. Just a bunch of yeast infections running around with straw hair, humping in tents, getting leeches in their butts. There is a woman in Ithaca who's been doing these pelvic floor massages to women. What? And

I've heard like eight people from Ithaca being like, I've been going to this woman. She actually is like a type of massage that is really important for everybody. It's called pelvic floor massage. And over the years, like more and more people have told me about this one doctor in Ithaca who does it. And I'm like, y'all are going and getting rubbing tugs you're getting rubbing tugs that's what this is your pelvic floor pelvic floor your hand and your vagina and massages

that's cool yeah what happens with the massage that all all my buddies like it's really good it's like it's you don't realize you have so many tight muscles down there until you haven't had sex for 12 years. Then you go and see this woman and she sticks her fingers in your pussy. She's really good at fingering. Yeah, I mean, I think that's what's happening because so many people are talking about it. Pelvic floor therapy. Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no. Pelvic floor massage. I guess shit gets tight down there. Yeah. Especially when you're, you know, a stuck-up liberal cunt like every woman in Ithaca. Just, squeezing their kegels constantly with rage. In the way of Hillary winning.

Yeah. Wow. Ithaca, the bars close at 1 p.m. because there's, or 1 p.m.? At 1 a. Wow. Ithaca, the bars close at 1 p.m. Because there's... 1 p.m.? At 1 a.m. That's where Delaware closes. 1 a.m.

And we'd race across PA lines to drink till 2 a.m. Wow. Yep. Or if you were in Southern Delaware, you go down to Maryland. Yep. Oh, man. We'd go up to... What's with that?

Huh? What's with that? Why is that? I don't know. It just makes people drunk drive. Yeah. Because then around 1 a.m., you're like, last call. I got to get hammered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I know. I remember getting back to my house and my mom being like, I'm just still awake, bitch. And I'd be wasted. And I'd be like, yeah, because it's fucking 1 a.m. This is insane. We got to keep the party rolling.

Yeah. You know? I'm going to do a bunch of Adderall. My mom's Ativan and have a suburban speedball. Oh, my God. What's up? The Adderall. The snorting the Adderall.

As a kid, that was the best. Woo! You just... Snorting my mom's Adderall on Adderall. I'm on my way to the van, waking up. My face is... I'm looking like a smurf from my nostril down. Is that a taxidermy in one side of your face?

I'm not going to go lay flooring. Oh, my god. Dude, one time I was laying on the baseboard and I fell asleep on somebody's floor. Just like this. Can you imagine coming up? I'm sleeping on your floor like a fat pig.

I've been caught so many times on job sites snoozing for sure. Or sneaking snacks. Oh? From the homeowner? I thought you were killing yourself. With his whipped cream. With his whipped cream.

You do that all the time. You go in and you get, also, you just get whipped cream from the cellar and you just eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's that bartender there now that is such a weirdo. You know who I'm talking about? Female or male?

We can't say that. But there's this one person who works there. And I'll just sit down. Tattoos. And then it emerges. My, like, drink emerges next to me. And then I look back at the bar and they're like. And I'm like, oh.

The one I'm talking about is like, here's another story about a thing that I don't think you even care about. That one is bad. Yeah, that one's a joke. You're a comic. You just have to slowly walk away backwards. Yeah, yeah, totally. I know. I've been at the front door while they're still finishing a story.

And I'm like, I'm fucking leaving, dude. My helmet's on. And they're like, and then also, my mom, she would agree with their one joke. Will you say that? My helmet's on. You're just walking around like an astronaut. Can't hear you. Can't hear you.

I just start dancing like, what are these two? What are the two people who have the big helmets? Daft Punk. Around the world. All right, let's wrap it up. This is awesome. I need more coffee, I think. Let's go get more coffee.

Okay, great. All right. I love you. That was me blowing the horn. Oh, patreon.com slash B and E and pod. Subscribe. We got some, oh. Don't comment on this talking about how horrible my child was

I get so many of those comments from people like Jordan needs you know what people say they go none of her stories can't be real and I'm like but they are so that's so fucked up like once on comedown they'll be like there's no way her parents actually did this if that happened you would never talk to him again and then my mom calls it i'm like yeah you hear that if you listen to the episode deny reality and don't say that jordan needs help yeah for the love of god my buddy told me he was in the gym and he couldn't lift because he was laughing so hard at your dad's funeral. I couldn't believe it until I was telling you. I don't think I've ever said it out loud. I love it.

It's amazing. All right. See you soon. Bye bye. Bye. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore