Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Episode 12 w/ PITM Pod "Tangy Zips"

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Ian and his friends Andy, Nate, and LeMaire of the PITM podcast swing by the Delaware Den to have some fun! They discuss 911, their new-found love of Dungeons and Dragons, and LeMaire's interesting way of "expressing" himself in bed. Its another doozy! You can catch a second eppy and more great stuff by subbing to www.patreon.com/beinianpod For more, please follow these guys at: PITM Podcast- @pitmpodcast  LeMaire Lee- @lemairelee  Nate Marshall- @itsthatnatemarshall  Andy Malafarina- @andymalafarina  Ian Fidance- @ianimal69

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know he means giving it, not getting it.

Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, an Ian. Be an Ian. Meow.

Alright. Huh? Why are you sounding Irish? Did you get a tattoo this morning? Did I get a tattoo? You know those are forever. No, I got this last week, and the scab in my sleep, I guess I rubbed it, and it fell off prematurely. So I've been freaking out and putting Neosporin on it, and Nate really witnessed kind of my freakouts. It was a long, like the whole ride there and back was like, how's it looking now? Oh, shut outs. It was a long,

like the whole ride there. The friend back was like, how's it looking now? Oh, shut up. It wasn't like that. It wasn't that big. It was like that with the moth

on the way to Pittsburgh. Oh, yeah, you're right. It's not a moth. It's a butterfly. No, that's a fucking moth. No, you're fucking wrong. That's a moth. This is a fucking butterfly.

It's a moth. It's, you have little eyes. You can't see. You don't know. Your eyes stretch it out, so it looks like it's got a different wing. That's a moth, bro. That's a fucking... Jordy, if you brought the dongle, we could look at moths and butterflies.

But what do you know? Jordy was too busy looking at Saigon eye contact, which is in his Google search. We figured out last week. That's why he hid the dongle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because he's been playing with his dongle on the way up here.

Wait, is that a poor thing? Saigon eye contact? What? You said playing with his dongle. I don't know. No, he looked up Saigon massages. And then I joked. No, he looked up Asian adult massages.

Adult Asian massages. And he tried to say it was because he was researching stuff for us. No way. Where's your little microphone, Jordy? You want rub maps? Rub maps? Y'all ever heard of rub maps? Rub maps.

Hold on. Shana Tova that's how it sounds that's the star of the show may I blow the horn huh may I blow the horn I'd love for you to blow the horn

okay one not yet I bet what not yet on your terms on my terms my house

I mean yeah legitimately it's my house it is your house I got permission that's all I need I'm a vampire alright cool I'm excited for you to blow the

the shofar and also by the way That's all I need. I'm a vampire. All right, cool. I'm excited for you to blow the shofar. And also, by the way, today we're recording on 9-11 in New York City. Happy 9-11, everyone. Can you believe it? Happy 9-11, everybody. Let's do it. Happy 9-11.

Liquid death. Yeah. You hear that? Liquid death. This 9-11. Liquid death. Yeah. You hear that? Liquid death. This can melt steel beams. Wow. Actually, a lot of people got turned into liquid death. Yeah.

You know what this is? Welcome to New York. Taylor Swift covered by Ryan Adams. Cheers to 9-11, everybody. Happy 9-11 to those we lost. God bless America. And to those we lost in the wars because of what America did in retaliation for 9-11. I saw the funniest YouTube video the other day. We just fought fair out there.

What? In Iraq, we just out there fighting fair. Yeah. Nah, dude. We did the war equivalent of, like, kicking their head after there fighting fair. Yeah. Nah, dude. We did the war equivalent of kicking their head after they were down. Yeah, they got stomped out and then we were just all jumping on them. Yeah, then we called all of our friends

and they're like, everyone get a punch in. Shouldn't have troops on the ground. Should have just turned them all into liquid death. Lemaire, what were you going to say? Maybe they shouldn't have made Boeing shoot down that one plane, you know? Yeah. Is that your theory? What do you think about that? Bowling shot down their own plane?

Yeah, I mean, well, the government shot down one. Which one plane? The one- In Shwanksville. Yeah. You know what's so funny? I retweeted Lenny Dykstra being like, can someone show me one picture of the plane hitting the Pentagon?

And then someone was like, these pictures are taken and blah, blah, blah. And it's just like a little mouse hole. And it's like, you can't even tell if it's a Pentagon. And then someone was like, these pictures were taken and blah, blah, blah. And it's just like a little mouse hole. And it's like, you can't even tell if it's a Pentagon. It looks like it's in Yemen. You're like, what the fuck? And Lenny's like, see, there's proof. Dude, I saw this 9-11 video. It was the 9-11

set to the, hello boys, I'm back from Independence Day. It started out, the guy was like, oh, how are we going to... And then everyone cheered at the end because that's the next scene. Oh, my God. It was the funniest video of all time. That's incredible.

I wish we could see it. Hello, boys. That reminds incredible. I wish we could see it. Hello, boys. That reminds me. Do you remember I saw this gif someone made, and it was of fucking Will Smith in Fresh Prince when he's doing, like, the running man with the little girls playing the drums, but it was him on top of the tower as it's going down.

Just topping it out like Rampage. That was my theory the whole time. I was like, Will Smith did it. I don't get it. These other countries? No, dude. Outside of the simulation, Will Smith really did 9-11. But inside the simulation, it was Arabs.

No, that's what Willenium's about. Wait, what the fuck? Wait, hold on. Back up. Back up. You know what I was thinking? The government shot down one plane, and then the Arabs were responsible for it? First of all, they were Egyptian, but continue.

They were Saudi, okay? No, Mohammed Atta was Egyptian. That's right. The ringleader. Yes. I thought the ringleader was Osama Bin Laden. No, he wasn't. The ringleader was the American government, man.

Dude, I was watching this thing. It was like Osama Bin Laden's hard drive. He did this interview with Chris Williams of NBC in like 1997. Like four years before 9-11. The guy was like, what do you got planned? What's next? He was like, you're going to see it.

Hopefully it comes to fruition and you can see everything. Nah, is that real? Why were they interviewing Bin Laden? I don't know. Was he going to be shot at like a wrestling promo? I got a lot of things coming up in the future. America, we're coming for you.

We're coming for you. We're coming for your people. We're coming for your freedom. Let's just say you'll never, ever stop me from taking down the twin towers of doom. Undertaker in game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is incredible. Yeah. We had a chance to stop

him a lot and we just really just said, you already buzzing of flies to me. It was a Ghostbusters 2 quote. Anyway, Andy, you're fat. Tell us about it. Andy's getting jacked. Andy posts pictures of him in the gym

and they look good. Yeah, I was back squatting. Oh, you want some cigs? Dude, we're fucking badasses now. There it is. Nice catch, Lamar. Wow. Toss me one. That's right. Nate's first cig. Panties in the mouth. No.

I did a bit. That's right. Oh, shit. Nate's first sing. Panties in the mouth. No. Oh. Oh. I did it. I did the bit. Panties in the mouth. Oh, yeah, Will. Sings on the floor. No, no.

Let me get down. That's disrespect. That felt very rude. Well, I'd rather you not get up, but here's one of the cameras. You know. I thought you were about to fucking 9-11 that camera. You're going to fucking bump into that twin tower. This is the day for it.

Yeah, right? Never forget the episode Nate ruined. Yeah, right? I know. This is our 9-11. B&E and 9-11. B&E and 9-11. I'm glad that you're wearing your B&E and slippers.

Thank you, Nate. I'm uncomfortable. They're right, right? Why didn't you get a pair? I tried to. I've been doing a lot wearing your B&E slippers. Thank you, Nate. I'm a bit comfortable. They're right, right? Why didn't you get a pair? I tried to. I've been doing a lot of foot exercises. Shut up. My feet are too jacked.

No, actually, I felt so old the other day. You've got the widest feet I've ever seen. You should have seen LaMare trying to shove his little piggies into these slippers. It looked like Lexington Steel and a fucking high school graduate. It was bad. LaMere called the slippers Riley Reed.

Slippers were like, go slow. Don't tell my dad you put me on. You ever see a fatberg? You ever see that? It looked like pulling a fatberg out of a sewer hole. It's this huge fucking thing. Oh, yeah. Jordy, pop it up on the screen.

Oh, wait. Yeah, I really wanted to know what a fatberg was. Oh, look at that. I got to be honest. I was going off the energy. And I'm over here like, what the fuck's a fatberg? I was like, don't ask. You're going to get Jordy in trouble.

Jordy, postmates a dongle fast. If you postmates a dongle by the Patreon, we'll have it. Oh, my God. Postmates a dongle, Jordy. Yo, do you know? Okay, a fatberg is like tampons, toilet paper, hair. Shut up, Fatberg! Get out of here, you stupid hat, Fatberg!

No, they're down the street. No, the Fatberg is like tampons, paper towels, all the shit people put in toilets to clog the pipes and drains up. It's just like they pull it out and it's this huge thing of human shit and hair and air.

It's terrible. It's awful. Yeah, soap. That's gross. Every bathroom has to have a sign that's like, do not throw things down the toilet because we're all so dumb.

We're like, this is your trash can. Does your neighbor give you a lot of oys? Like, oi. What? You don't look Jewish. What's oi? Like a Jewish.

What are they, a New England punk rocker? No Jewish punk rocker. Isn't that the noise they make when they say hi? Like, oi. No, you're talking about English people. Oi. Oi, mate, you want to go to synagogue? Yeah.

Oi, mate, can you turn off my light? It's Shabbat. Oi, governor, I'm going to go celebrate Rosh Hashanah. I will, I will. Oi? Where'd you hear oi? I don't know. I meant oi vey.

Look it up, Jordy. Do Jews say oi? Oi vey. They say oi vey. They say oi vey. Oi vey. Oh, my. Oh, my. Yeah. Yeah Jews say oy vey oy vey yeah oy vey but why would they look at someone and go well maybe if they see you

they see you they see your top half they're like Jewish and they see your knees and they're like he's going to hell my head will go to heaven not in my cemetery my head will go to heaven. Would you ever get a tattoo, LaMere? If something moved me.

Yeah, I don't have anything that moves me enough to get a tattoo right now. All right, good. I'm glad we're getting into this. I don't. Okay. Not every tattoo has to have meaning. No. Not every tattoo has to.

What is that, Andy? It's a grizzly bear with a tank top on. Maybe tattoos should have been... I think tattoos, what you get can mean something at that time in your life rather than what the design is. People are like, I designed a star because I'm going to be one one day.

It's like, no, you just like start, just say you like start. Who gives a shit? I'd get a cool lady with panties in her mouth. Dude. Yeah, that would be the best. Let's do it. You would just do it?

Not me, you, Les. Get panties tattooed on the side of your face. What if our friendship falls apart and then we just got to look at that sad tattoo? We used to be so close. Nate sold us out. I sold what? What me?

Yes. You will, but LaMare will do it first. I would never. I would never, dude. I would never sell y'all out. I was just goofed. Sell you out how? I just thought of a name that would be funny.

Jesus Christ. Well, the defensiveness of that makes me go, let's get into it. I know. There's nothing in it. Lamar's going to get RIP Nate. Just send C to me the next day. It's going to be mom fun. Dude, I could see you. You would look sick with a sleeve of tattoos.

Man, come on, dude. Right now, this arm's for shots, though. Yeah? Yeah. It's just a shot's arm? This arm's for shots. Yeah. Buckets, dude.

Yeah, dude. And you'd look cool as hell with tattooed buckets going up. Nah, dude. No? It's just the shots. It's arms for shots. Yeah. Buckets, dude. Yeah, dude. And you'd look cool as hell with tattooed buckets going on. Nah, dude. No? It's just threes, dude. It's only for buckets. You should just get a bunch of dates. What?

Can you just not explain them? Just get a shitload of dates. Just get your dates and cross us through some of them. You should get like nine dates and be like, I got a lot of dead kids. They should be like February 32nd. You're like, what's that about? I think Black History Month should be longer. That's my view on it.

I think it should be the longest month. February 56th. I'll tell you guys, I thought this sketch show would be funny. I think I'm going to do it. I'm going. I'll tell you guys this sketch show will be funny. I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. What? Okay, okay, okay. So I was listening to this podcast.

Let's get some theme music going. Ready? La Mer pitches sketches. Here's my sketch. A girl says I love you. It was like, I was listening to a podcast about slavery, and there was the last episode about them telling the slaves and, like, the last slaves in Texas that they're free.

They're talking about Juneteenth basically. So then I was thinking it'd be funny if like Ulysses and Grant. You know those videos on YouTube where people like give homeless people shoes? You know there's a video of Ulysses and Grant walking up to a slave and he's like you're free. And the guy's like what? You know?

You know what I mean? I love it. He's just like I'm what? But then it's just a slave like what you know you know what i mean i love it he's just like i'm what but then it's just a slave like what's next where do i go no no no i'm not the master and you're the master yeah i don't know english did you ever see the sketch about the first time any black person said the n-word Like nigga Like we said it Like take it back Oh alright

It would've been great So Jordy Wow Let's go back Into La Mer's sketch Okay so He goes

You're free And he goes Free And then he goes No Yes And then That's all folks

What the fuck? No, it's making fun of those videos of the homeless, the people when they give people shit. Oh. So it's Ulysses S. Grant. Like, hey, I'm Ulysses S. Grant. I'm going to go tell these guys. Like, he's turning to the camera like this.

Oh, wow. What if it's Ulysses S. Grant, but he's wearing Supreme gear? And he's like one of those, like, guys. It's like, hey, guys, don't forget to like and subscribe. Today, we're going to go free a slave. He hands them a brown paper bag and they just open it. It's just broken chains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, Supreme Union gear would be sick. I would wear that. A Supreme Union hat, dude? Yo, dude. Supreme hype beast slave clothes? That'd be unreal. Kanye's already got LARPing gear.

This hype beast fantasy armor. I love it. Dude, D&D, but hype beast? Bro. Dude, that armor would be sick. We got to pick Supreme. Yeah. I mean, tag them up.

Let's get them into watching this, huh? Slave Gear Supreme I made up an incantation fam that would be a great D&D campaign see how long you could wait outside the Supreme shop and you're like I use my power to piss in a bottle Ian would you play

dnd i've never had but i would love to yeah i just don't know if i would be able to pick it up and understand no it's pretty easy i just got andy and nate to play it a little really it was it was way more fun than i expected it yeah it's just like what do you guys do you you'd sit around have some smoke have some drinks with the boys. And then one person, like LaMare's brother, Jibbs, made like a story. He designed like a little story. And then he tells the thing that happens and you just say what you do next. But you got to roll for it.

What do you mean you design a story? Like he designs a roadmap. Are there prompts for it? Yeah. Well, he made the prompts. You find your best artist. Yeah. You say, write me a journey.

That is step number one. Step number one is finding an autist. So wait, what is the story that he tells? Like, give me an example. Our story was we had to save Princess Pantelina. And that's what we had to do. We had to A to B.

You save Princess Pantelina and you will never get into a woman's pantalinas ever again oh yeah we lost the game when we got in the friend zone so okay so your brother says we get to save princess pantalina yeah and then one dude and he's like all right you got to go to the woods, and then you got to do this, and you got to do this. And then we roll. We say, all right, so we're in the place. We're going to check this out. There's a monster.

Yeah. What are you going to do when you see the monster? And you can go, like, stab him. And then it's like, all right. What if you go, like, suck his monster dick? You can do that. Really? Yeah, you can do that.

Suck his powers out. You have to roll, though out You have to roll though You have to roll Wait roll what? Roll the d20 Roll the dice to see if I work on him Because I know he has AIDS If you roll a 20

If you roll a 20 You suck the shit out of his dick And you guys can go free Right? But if you roll a 1 He drowns you in his cum Or you suck his dick forever Because you never got him to finish

And you lose the game. What, have they been spying on my trysts with men? I am not good at it. Wow, you're just describing a night I had to take Juan. Just look it up. Like, yeah, close. You see Ian in the back alley sucking dick. He's like, shut up.

He's the dungeon master. Whoa, so then what happens? Then we sneak by. If it rolls good, we keep going. And then you act like you don't know me because you call me Bloney. If we roll a seven, we're no longer friends. My move

every time I play is I make slaves. Really? I love how much you love slavery. It's a great way to build an economy. Blow the horn! That's great. So you make slaves, and then what happens? How do they get?

And then is it his job to free them, or is he on your team? Well, we're teams. So there's teams. So his Slays are doing our bidding. Yeah. They could be against it, but I'm like, whatever. They're my guys. You guys don't have to use them.

Uh-huh. And how long do these games take? Four hours, but it's fun as hell, dude. Really? How long was it when we did it? It was probably like three. Ours was about three. Yeah. But yeah, it's not that bad. It's fun as hell, dude. Really? How long was it when we did it? It was probably like three. Ours was about three. Yeah.

But yeah, it's not that bad. It's fun. It's fun. I love watching you twist your hair like that. It's gorgeous. What? You just look like a hot lady when you fucking... I'm just like looking at Ian.

It's just... That's just Lemaire thinking about slaves. I just want to make D&D and make so many slaves. Laverne does look like a chick that would work at the DMV that's just fantasizing about what she's going to do when she gets off work. Go to the Chinese food part.

Get some Chinese's. Get some Chinese food court. Get some shrimps. Derek with his big ass dick. Some Chinese's. Yeah, some Chinese food court. Get some shrimps. Go see Derek with his big ass dick. Shout out Derek Gaines.

Oh, hell yeah. How long you been playing D&D? Maybe for a couple years now. Maybe like four or five years. Damn, I've always wanted to like play it, but it's like so hard organizing it. Yeah, that's the hardest part about it. That's why. And it's like if I'm organizing people to do something,

I mean, maybe that's like the fun choice of what to do. That's why it's really good for like a podcast because you like, it's hard to organize a podcast, you know? So like if you make the plan, you already got it. What if I'm like, hey, do you guys want to come podcast at my place 1 p.m. Sunday, and then you show up and I just have D&D boards?

That would be kind of hype. I can see a lot of comments being like, the fuck you bring me. Would you ever podcast, would you ever record a D&D? Yo, what if we, could we record an episode where we play D&D? Is that fun for people to watch? Would you want to join our D&D episode? Oh, you did one. The footage currently is lost.

Well, there you go. As long as it doesn't include a dongle, Jordy's got your back. The footage is in limbo. Let's call the episode Jordy's Dongle. Because otherwise it's just going to be slave chat. Hi, I'm LaMare Lee. This is slave talk.

You just get into a taxi. You get into a taxi, the fucking screen on the back of the headrest lights up. Hey, I'm here. LaMare Lee, I'm here in south the south to talk to david duke about slavery yeah sorry i want to be one of those vice guys dude they fucking you know the vice guys who always just go down south and talk the one britain they go down yo bro so you hate blacks that's fucking mid. But none of them are ever real black, you know? The vice guy? Yeah, none of them are ever real black going to talk to me.

They're like mixed people or they're just like nerds? It's a British guy. Not American black. We are the truest. Yeah, well, here's the thing. We are the best. Yeah, I don't think a lot of fucking hateful white

dudes would really open up to a brother about hating them. You'd be surprised. So you got to have a neutral party, right? There's that one guy who collects all the... Daryl Davis? Yeah, Daryl Davis. We were talking about that last night. You know, I'm not a big fan.

I'm not a big fan. Why don't you like him? I just feel like, just like for what? I don't understand what he's doing. To change hearts and minds. Yeah, but it's just not, I don't know. It just doesn't feel like what I don't understand what he's doing. To change hearts and minds. Yeah, but it's just not, I don't know. It just doesn't feel like what I'd want to do with my day. What if he wanted to start a new clan?

He's like, we're going to start their black KKK. And he stole all their outfits because he didn't want to spend the money. Like if he was doing a long con, it'd be reparations. That I'd be into if this was just a long bit. Dude, he He found out Clan hoods are expensive As hell Yeah

He's like how can I He's like I'm just gonna Talk my way into Some clan outfits How was the change of minds What was his move Like what was he doing Cause he'd go talk

To the guys And he The guy would be like I hate black people And he'd be like Do you like rock music And he's like yeah He's like

But of course And the guy And the guy would be like The guy would be like I love Elvis And he's like, yeah. He's like, but of course. And the guy would be like, the guy would be like, I love Elvis. And he's like, you know who Elvis likes? You know Elvis ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Elvis likes black people. You know Elvis ain't nothing but a hound dog. I've heard that about him. Yeah. This guy. It would be that thing where you'd be like, the guys would be like, wait a minute.

I hate black people, but I like Daryl. And Daryl's black. Oh! Hold the phone! That was working? Yeah, dude. Jordy, look up how many clan uniforms he's taken.

You ever see the movie Do the Right Thing? Where he's just talking to another in the pizza shop. He's just like, you love Michael Jordan. He's your favorite bachelor. He's like, that's all he's doing and it's working. Yes.

Dude, there's such a disconnect between people. Like, people do not think about shit. There's so many people that are just stony baloney fucking dronies

that are walking around no critical thought. What? Stony baloney dronies. Yeah. Dude, there's stony baloney dronies everywhere you go

and they have no critical thought they have no deep thinking skills and they just go through life without ever thinking deeper than just surface and sometimes when you go hey have you ever thought about it this way they go oh and you just need to cross the aisle and have conversations with people and fucking things will change. Blocking people out and being like, no, you think differently? Fuck you. Die. It's not going to get off.

No one's ever going to go. Fuck me. Die. You know what? I will listen. You make a good point. Yeah. You know which movie I wish would influence white people?

Judas and the Black Messiah. See a pig? Kill a pig kill a pig Yeah that was a good movie I like that That was great I didn't see it yet I want to see it I haven't seen it yet I want to see it

You haven't seen it No Andy I haven't seen it I want to see it You've had plenty of time It's been up for like two years now A lot of things Well I never saw Wakanda I haven't seen that one. You've had plenty of times. It's been up for two years now. Yeah. I've done a lot of things. Well, I never saw Wakanda.

Black Panther? Black Panther? But I have walked through Bed-Stuy. No, I know. That's Jewish Wakanda. Oh, no, not Bed-Stuy. Not Bed-Stuy. What if they had a Wakanda New York? I would go.

It'd probably be the best part of New York. Yeah, it's called the fucking six train uptown. Atlanta is Wakanda New York I would go It'd probably be the best part of New York Yeah Wakanda's Atlanta It's called the fucking six train uptown Atlanta is Wakanda Yeah Yeah What is Wakanda See I never saw

Here's the thing Black Paradise I never saw Black Panther I never saw X-Men I've never seen a Marvel movie I've never seen I've never seen Black Panther I've never seen Shang-Chi

You're like I watched I watched Black Widow a million times never seen Marvel once never seen Pocahontas

never seen Pinocchio yeah yeah yeah never saw Belly not even Juice Man not even

Juice oh shit also I love how it's like there's never been a black superhero. It's like, have you not seen Blank Man? The OG black superhero. The best of the best.

They got to do a Blank Man again. Oh, dude, a Blank Man remake would be amazing. Isn't he, like, retarded? He's blank, man. No, he's, like, autistic. K-5 be amazing. Isn't he, like, retarded? He's blank, man. No, he's, like, autistic. It's the sketch from In Living Color, right? The handyman? In Living Color was the best

fucking sketch of all time. That show was incredible. It was fucking amazing. Jim Carrey was on his game, dude. I mean, not to have preference. Second, Gillian keeps. Oh, well, I mean, come to have preference. Second, the Gillian keeps. Oh, wow. I mean, come on.

Second, dude. That's a shop voice. But see, that transcends. What, has Shane not asked you to open it a while? We all know it's good. Shut the fuck up. Hey, dude, one of them are men, okay? One of them are men.

That's like of all time. Yeah, dude. You know? Come on, dude. This is highbrow R. Andy. I don't know if you've noticed now. It's kind of like, best thing of all time. Yeah, dude. You know? Come on, dude. This is highbrow art, Andy. I don't know if you know this now. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah.

We're highbrow artists now. It transcends sketch comedy. More of a vignette into the life of a humorist. It's kind of the commentary on the sick brain of Shane Gillis. No, but dude, in living color fucking rules,

whatchamacallit, Blank Man is fucking amazing. It was a black superhero, neurodivergent, and like, I think David Humphrey was gay in it, or maybe that's just real life. David Humphrey was always gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except in the Carmichael show

where he played the opposite of gay. Yeah. He was like homophobic in that shit, right? Yeah. Dude, yeah, yeah. Except in a Carmichael show where he played the opposite of gay. Yeah. He was like homophobic in that show, right? Dude, yeah, the Snap Sisters or whatever, Damon Wayans. Fucking best show, dude. Hated it. Yeah. Hated it. This one gets a round the world snap.

Yeah. Oh, shit. That's fucking great Yeah man Black man was the shit Yeah I haven't seen it I wanna see it

Dude Ian have you seen the movie Life With Eddie Murphy And Martin Lawrence Best comedy of all time No I need to Oh what Can I say something about that

Yeah Have you seen it Haven't seen it once See he's had my You've had my Blu-ray for like over a year now. Yeah, I don't have,

I realized, I wanted to watch it and I don't have a Blu-ray player. It's on Amazon. Yeah, no, it's on,

oh yeah, no, I can watch it easily. Haven't seen it, want to see it? Haven't seen it, want to see it? Welcome to

Haven't Seen It, Want to See It with Andrew Allen. Did you know, have you seen Chippendale Rescue Rangers? I'm going to exalt this movie to the end of the time. No. It's the best movie ever. Why? It's better than life? Wait, is Chippendale Rescue Rangers-

I would say life ripped off Chippendale. Wait, was Chippendale Rescue Rangers with David Cross? Was he in that? Did he voice one of the characters? That was Alvin and the Chipmunks. Oh, that's right. It was John Mulaney and Andy Samberg. Is Chippendale's not Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Like, that's not related to that? No, they're completely different. You know those are different words, right? I think I just figured it out. I just realized right now. Wait, what was life about? So, two chipmunks. Or crime fighting.

Maybe. You can't call them chipmunks. Jesus. What? That's what my daddy said. That's not good. That's not good. That's what my daddy said.

He's got one of y'all down a lot of CMs around. Oh, fuck. So, wait. What was life about? It's like during the 1940s. Like, man. It was like 1920s. Like early 1920s.

Eddie Murphy Martin. Eddie Murphy's a bootlegger. He goes down south to buy some alcohol. Right. Martin, who's just a straight-laced guy. Yeah. And then they go into a poker game in the south. legger he goes down south to buy some uh alcohol right martin who's just a straight laced guy yeah and then they go into a poker game in the south and uh martin fucks some lady right well mainly they get framed for a murder that a cop did like and then the cop like got they stumbled across him

the cop knew he did the murder science fiction movie but so then they do life or jail for a murder they didn't do so it's a really sad story do they get out or are they trying to escape planning the escape for them like forever dude it's because Bernie Max I might have seen it in the movie

Bernie Max and Arsene Waring Jordy put it on the movie list me Jordy, Basement Carl, and my gal, we watch movies every Monday night. We stayed up and watched Pulp Fiction until like four in the morning down here. Way fun. Really?

By choice? But I've seen Ghostbusters over a hundred times. Damn. Not even Kill Bill? No. Ghostbusters is basically the hateful eight. So you're good.

Although I do know this. Ready? Shout out my nigga Andy. That's a kill bill, right? Robstone. Two damn phones. phones wait what was that it's a rap song it's a rap song

at the beginning when he when the guy samples that song and at the beginning he's like shout out my nigga Andy oh I was like

I thought you were throwing it to me I was like oh does Andy really like that movie he says that at the beginning of the song and I know Andy

likes that song. That's great. It all worked out. Jordy, pop it up. Jordy, why don't you dongle your way over the computer and throw that up? Yo, put life on the list. Yo, you know what's a great movie? With Martin, National Security.

Dude, come on. You ever see that? I had that on VHS. Top Flight. Top Flight Security. Dude, come on. You ever see that? So funny. I did that on VHS. Top Flight. Top Flight Security. That's him in Mike Epps, right? No, no, no.

No, no, no. That's him and, oh, that's a white guy. Steve Zahn. Steve Zahn. Okay, yes. I don't think I've seen it. Oh, yeah. I'm going to say Owen Wilson, and that just was the most.

Luke Wilson in Blue Streak. He was in Blue Streak. That's what threw me off. And Blue Streak is awesome. Is that the one with Dave? What's Blue Street about? Martin is a cop again But he's

Martin he used to He was a jewel thief They stole a diamond And then he got caught But he dropped a jewel In a building under construction It turned out to be a police Yeah

Police department So when he got out of jail He was gonna go back in And like Get it Cause he left it in like an air vent So he was gonna go back in Once he got out

And get this big ass diamond It was still an air vent. He was going to go back in once he got out and get this big ass diamond. It was still there. When he goes back, he sees it's a prison now. He tricks them into thinking he's a cop. They just start putting them on cases. No shit. That's great. Dude, Mark, you're speaking out loud.

It's retarded. He starts figuring out the case. He's like, if I was a criminal, this is what I would do. They're like, alright, they did it. He's a genius FBI camera. He's like, if I was a criminal, this is what I would do. And they're like, all right, they did it. He's a genius FBI camera. What's your boy's background? You guys don't have the internet now? Dave Chappelle has a great cameo in it, too, where he pops in. He's like, what are you doing as a cop?

He's like, because they were in the same heist together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yo, dude, Martin can do no wrong. Name one bad thing Martin's done. Big Mama's House 3. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yo, dude, Martin can do no wrong. Name one bad thing Martin's done. Big Mama's House 3. Oh, yeah. Fuck. How was that?

Pretty bad. Really? Yeah, well, he starts the whole thing out with, like, a 20-minute video montage, essentially, of his, like, greatest hits and everything he's ever done. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. Bad idea. Can I tell you, I had an idea for the reboot of Martin. What they should do if they reboot it.

Like, Martin should be like a... Me. Well, Martin's out of it. It's all about Tashina Arnold and the baby. Uh-huh. Yeah, because they have a... At the end of Arnold, Martin... At the end of Martin...

You want Martin to become a drama? Like, it's just no comedy anymore? No, it's going to be a comedy. It's just, you know, it's just drama. You want to do, like, the Fresh Prince remake? No, not a drama. What if they did Martin, but they took out the laughs and just like put somber music on? That would be gnarly.

That's what they do to all the YouTube videos. That's what they do to all clips of King of the Hill on YouTube shorts. Really? Yeah. My favorite is Big Bang Theory with Ricky Gervais' laugh as the laugh track. It just sounds condescending. Like they'll hit one of them shitty jokes they have. You just hear, ah, ah, ah. It's the fucking best. Oh, that's great. I love that.

Jordy? I need that clip of Nate laughing after shitty videos on the internet. Dude, wait. So tell, what's your Martin idea? Oh. Also, have you ever seen the Pam Martin insult reels? Yeah. Amazing.

They're the best, dude. Wait, I haven't seen them. The best, dude. It's like, shut up, you dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all them making fun of each other. And there's like five parts. It's the best. All right, so what's your Martin idea?

So it's about. So Martin hires me. Yeah. They go to California. They go to Los Angeles because Gina got an exec job as a record deal. But she has the baby and stuff. She gets fired. And then they have to figure it out.

You know? Figure out their relationship. Her, Martin, and Los angeles they have to try to make it out there because basically martin was about martin trying to make it in detroit but now he has to try to make it in california but martin's martin's the dad but his son has to make it in california but and you play the son no who's what so why is it how is it still related to martin anyway he's not in the show anymore no he's in's in it. It's just still Martin. Okay. You don't have to have the old cast in it to be the thing anymore.

I love how the idea was so bad that record fell off the wall. Yes, it fell. LeMaire told his idea, the record was like, I'm out of here. Record's like, deuces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get this. This is bad. It's a teen drama Martin.

No. Put it on the CW. Martin's the principle of euphoria high dude you watch euphoria no you gotta watch you for why you for you're sick why you would love euphoria why because there's trans kids having sex and everyone's doing drugs no no euphoria is turning everyone into a pedophile because it's making high schoolers do sex stuff and then yeah they're 18 and everything in the real life but in the show they're young and you're in the industry everyone's a pedophile why do you think i got in no it's not okay i don't want to watch euphoria i

want to live euphoria so what what is like a pro if you wrote a euphoria episode What would it be? I can't write euphoria episodes It's too crazy I don't know how to So Zendaya does ecstasy And won't stop farting Well now she's in Now she's in a part of her life Where she's recovering

So it wouldn't be about her doing It'd be her about dealing with One of her other friends Starting to do drugs And being like Really in the euphoria Yeah Yeah I got like half an episode

Because you want to bang a trans chick Dude Do you? Well not a trans lady I've First time I had sex Was with a female To male trans person

You're stealing valor With that though You think so? I think so That was first week But she's like She's like a man now She's on

Like her first week of T When I had sex But she was transitioning She was transitioning But that counts We went on dates Where she had mustaches Like penciled in And I didn't like pay it.

I was like, she's quirky. Like, that's all I thought. She changes her name like, hey, I'm tugboat. Like, wow, this girl's fun. And also she was like, I saw the pictures as a woman, smoke show. Like really hot. So it's not like, that's why I'm saying stealing valor. Like it's great. She was still a smoke show with her little sharpie mustache bro yeah yo do you have

a picture of her no no that's how you lost your virginity yeah nice do you still talk to him no no no i saw him at a rave like a year later he was like hello i'm sorry and they're like you said i'm sorry yeah because why were like, yeah. You said I'm sorry? Yeah. Why? Because I did a bad job. Oh, having sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, it's not like you turned her trans. She was like, this is so bad, I'm changing gender.

You also lost your virginity to a woman and a guy at the same time. That's pretty tough to manage. Damn, dude. Mental three-way. That is straight up. Who's done that before? Just this guy. Early enough. The king.

Wow. Incredible. That's great. Wow. Who'd you lose your virginity to? Some fat bitch that cheated on me when i loved her really oh yeah we kind of talked about this oh yeah can we talk about it huh wasn't it like wasn't like the worst way to find out you don't love her like she doesn't love you back like oh well she acted like she loved me but uh why were you inside were you like i love you and she was like i like you but i'm not in like with you no i should have known like she was because oh i don't know if this is something that y'all grew

up with but you might have heard of lamere like when growing up around like like black it was like you don't kiss a chick if you know she's a dick before you ever heard oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so like we were like that's so funny because that's like the black equivalent of the italian like you don't go down on women yeah it's like why why what but i never understood that going down on women rules kind of rules i love it no i said it kind of rules oh yeah i didn't it didn't rule to me at the beginning like as when I was a young man You got some tangy zips Did you say tangy zips?

That's the episode That might be the best thing I've ever heard Tangy zips? God damn Oh my god Wow, so you did tang zip Yeah, it was a tang zip I don't know, they were actually great looking pussies I've ever heard. Tangy zips? God damn. Oh my God. Wow. So you did tang zip? Yeah, it was a tang zip.

I didn't, I don't know. They were actually great looking pussies. Great looking, smelled nice. I just was like, I don't know,

I'm not. That was another thing. Like, I think back before Wayne got big, Lil Wayne got big, black people, black dudes weren't,

it wasn't cool to eat pussy. Oh, black dudes hated eating pussy. Yeah, yeah. But yet, we're like homophobic. Cause dicks go in there It was part of the same thing

You jerk off with your hand Well I'm not I don't feel that way anymore But it was just But anyway this chick I dated her for like Six months And didn't kiss her

And I was talking to her Nuh uh I was talking to her How is that possible That's why I was talking To a friend about it Like years ago He was like

You should have known She was a whore She just it like years ago. He was like, you should have known she was a whore. She just was like letting you fuck her but not kiss her for six months. You fucked her and you didn't kiss her? For six months. How? That's hard to fucking not do a little kissing. I mean, that's how you treat a whore.

JK, I kiss him. I do. I go, can we kiss? It's the only way I can get hard. I'm not a machine. I'm only paying for this if I can kiss. I've gotten hookers just to go down on them.

Do you know Nate almost died on one of our podcasts? I was telling him last night. Oh, yeah, he passed out laughing. Wow. I didn't tell you what Andy said. Oh, you didn't tell him? We were talking about BDSM tests.

What's a BDSM test? It's a test about BDSM and you answer a bunch of questions to find out what level of a freak you are. Oh wow, Jordy. I got it. Jordy found the dongle? I found the dongle.

Get on your hands and knees. Go over, hit the info. Let's go. Let's go. We're going to take the BDSM test. Dongle King Jordy. It's very long. And then we're going to do the 20 questions from the New York Times

to see if you're in love. While we're all making eye contact. This is great. Wow. What is this? And now you're going to wonder why I fucked all making eye contact. This is great. Wow. What is this? And now you're going to wonder why I fucked up shit on my search. Go ahead.

No, dude. These are trending searches. You're good right now. These are trending. Yeah, these are trending. BornHub.com. Okay, hold on. BDSMtest.org?

Yeah. So we were taking it and... Oh, they... I forget what the one question was. Whoa. Should I take this yeah dude i promise i'm not a robot we're taking for the patreon yeah yeah patreon.com slash b and ian to see the bdm test bdsm test Yeah. How many minutes we had? All right, yeah. I came up 96% exhibitionist.

Really? And what were you? I don't remember. No. It was a little high because we were all- 98% Zeppole. Sopranos joke. We were all predicting I was going to get semi-vanilla, but it was a little higher than that.

Yeah. And what were you? I was the most vanilla. Were you like a freak? Really? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. I cannot- I was the most vanilla. Were you like a freak? Really? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah.

I cannot. I'm more of a man of basics. I like to, you know, once I mastered the basics. You're a meat and potatoes fuck. I'm a real come with eye contact guy now. That's the best. Yeah. I'm more of a John Cena guy.

I got my five moves and then I'm out. Because trying to get hard, you got to be like, no. No one's there. No one's there. Yeah, do you guys come? Dude, I come like that. You can't see me. No, when I come, I cover my face.

I cover my face when I come. Really? Yeah. When you're with a chick? That's autistic as shit. Why? I don't know. Wait, what do you mean?

Like you're on top? You're coming like. Yeah, I just hold my hands over my. Why? Because you were the child. You go peekaboo. I. Holy crap.

Wow. You really do that? Yeah. Yeah. And what did I say when you did? I didn't notice until a little bit ago. Like you always cover your face. Yeah.

I don't know. That's what I say. I don't know. Is it literally like this? Yeah. Hands over eyes and nose. No. Yeah, just.

Is that like. Yo, let me. Because you grew up. That's nuts. Is it nuts? That's fucking nuts. Why is it nuts? Is that like leftover religious shit?

I don't know. Like, I'm being a bad boy. God's going to see. No, I don't know. I just think I like being surprised with how much cum not a lot again is it because fucking makes you hungry and you're afraid you'll gobble up wait so if you're on top if you're on top and you're like coming do you post up on one arm and go like no or have you ever taken her hand and be like, cover

me? I'm a famous, not famous, but I'm known to come on my knees. What? You got to clarify that. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. You come the same way men die in

Westerns. On their knees, eyes covered. LeBair takes 10 paces. You got me, partner. Like, dude, I'll show you. There's only room in this bed for one of us. Like, dude.

On a couch. This is taking it way back. Dude, this is some straight up, like, snuff film shit. Is it creepy? Yeah. Are you not supposed to cover your eyes? I don't know.

This is the beauty of Lemaire. He does not understand this is weird. Like not even a little bit. He has no concept that this is. No, I can see you guys freaking out. I'm like, wait, what? Yeah. What are they doing? Oh, he's getting nervous.

Where's the arms going? He's hiding his shell. Yeah, dude, I'm the master of disguise. Become another person. Become another person. Turtle, turtle. I was going to say, this is the best shirt to reveal

after you said that. What's your shirt? Sailor Moon. Oh, my God. That's why he covers his eyes and thinks of Sailor Moon. I'm wearing my hentai butt shirt at Comedy Fight Club tonight. Nice. Wow.

Cover your eyes on your knees. So if you're fucking, you go, I got to get on my knees. Daddy's going to shoot. If she's on top, I will cover my eyes. i don't know why but i cover my eyes i do i don't know why or i'll fucking like bury them in like between betwixt the bosom wait let me what if you're jer in the video? You knew the answer. You know when you're about to cum, right? You're going to sneeze

in public? No. Oh, you're going to dick sneeze. Oh, I hit him with the spray. No, no. Maybe like somebody

made me jerk off as a kid and I was like, this is the only way for it not to be embarrassing. Who knows? What do you mean, maybe? That's not a bad thing. Maybe, maybe.

Yeah, that was a very specific thing to be like, maybe. Did you hear him cry in that laugh? He was like, oh. We just found out LaMare was made to jerk off in the basement like the ending of Blair Witch. Just in the corner. LaMare can only do a found footage jerk. Alright, that's the episode.

That was awesome. Thank you guys. What do you guys want to plug? Patreon.com slash P-I-T-M. Get in there. What? You can say it 10 times everywhere we go.

This has been working. Panties in the mouth? Just abusing the system. Oh, wow. Wait, you're supposed to say you're podcasting 10 times like you have OCD? I don't know if you're supposed to. We just did. Yeah.

We were just saying it way too many times, and then we started noticing, like, oh, when you tell people about it, they go to it. Oh, hilarious. All right, panties in the mouth podcast. Lamer, you got anything? No, same. right panties in the mouth podcast uh lamar you got anything no same panties in the mouth podcast yeah uh also thank you guys for doing the gig last night and amazing thank you that was awesome man that was a really really good time uh and oh what no i was gonna say sorry about all the strangers in the green room oh yeah what was that dude we show up there's some guy with no upper teeth and a mullet,

and then there's some other guy that smelled like fucking gasoline and BO. I'm like, what? Are you guys comics? Like, no, we're just slumps. You just walk into the green room, hope you didn't want any of this food, Ian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or space on the couch.

Like, all right, I guess we'll just pace outside then. LaMare got a flat tire and was like, you're a mechanic uh patreon.com slash beanie and pod youtube.com slash beanie and pod i should i'm gonna start doing this to be game podcast maybe i don't know who gives a shit but thank you for subbing like the pod subscribing it really a lot. People are coming out to shows. We did a live B&E in pod last night. That was way fun. I got a lot of dates coming up. In October, I'm going to be headlining stand-up live.

October 2nd, October 5th, San Jose Improv. October 6th, Brea Improv. And then I'm doing Philly Punchline. Guys, come out. It's going to be awesome. Skankfest, October 14th, 15th, 16th. I'm doing a residency at Cellar Vegas, October 17th to the 23rd. We're having fun.

Come on out here, joke, and have a smoke. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. I love you guys thank you so much bye bye