Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian Episode 14 w/ KFC radio "Cigarette Bootleggers"

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

This week, the fellas from KFC Radio take a trip to the Delaware Den and it gets weird. They talk about the price of smokes, the personal habits of happy people, and "the ick". Come and have a laugh with us! For more fun, please sub to the Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod  Follow these funny fools at: @KFCradio @FeitsBarstool and @ianimal69 on Twitter and IG Thanks for listening!

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know, he means giving it, not getting it. Okay, thanks.

Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, Being Ian. Being Ian. Woo! Don't think I've ever... It fucks me up

because my friends like beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. Oh, I actually read an article. Is that chart over there? Oh, yeah. The founder of Liquid Death is sober and was at a punk rock show

and he said he felt like he was supposed to be drinking does that not work you know what the liquid death is the best because it feels like a tall boy and I gotta hold on to something when I'm out drinking

it's the best I don't know if I could there's also another Feels like a tall boy. And I got to hold on to something when I'm out drinking. It's the best. I don't know if I could. There's also another thing I have in the fridge that's like a mock. No, not a mocktail. It's a craft, non-alcoholic craft cocktail. Got it. And in the copy for, like, advertising, they're like, we're not a mocktail. Don't say mocktail.

They've really been, you know, dragging their feet on paying me. So it's a fucking mocktail. Yeah. It's a a mocktail. Don't say mocktail. They've really been, you know, dragging their feet on babies. So it's a fucking mocktail. Yeah. It's a fucking mocktail. It's for pussy fangs. Oh, whoops. Sorry. God, fuck, fuck.

Curious elixir. Ah, fuck. Well, thank you guys for coming down to the Delaware Den. Bro, thank you for having us. I love it. The Delaware Den. I've been here two seconds. I'm like, all right, is he going to start smoking that? Yeah, who's riffing six? Bro, thank you for having us. The Deli Den. I love it. The Delaware Den. I've been here two seconds. I'm like, all right, is he going to start smoking that?

Because I got smokes. Yeah, who's riffing six? Bro, yes. Who's riffing six? Sponsored by Marlboro. What do you got, Seneca's? Seneca's, baby! Bro, I was, dude, I was, I had these in the office the other day.

And a kid who works there has been to rehab. I'm a poser. I don't smoke, so, you know. He was like. It's so cool, though. He goes, dude, Seneca's. I smoked those my whole time in rehab. I'm a poser. I don't smoke, so, you know. He was like, he goes, dude, Seneca's. I smoked those my whole time in rehab. I was like, if I had to guess, if there

was an official sponsor of a cigarette company, it would be rehab. Like, Seneca's are sponsored by rehab. Or perhaps rehab is sponsored by Seneca's. I don't know which way it goes, but they're in cahoots together. Dude, it's just like, they're just cool, man. They're just fucking cool is what it comes down to. You look cool. Dude, it's just like, they're just cool, man.

They're just fucking cool is what it comes down to. You look cool. Dude, I bought the Senecas. What do you think a car in a Senecas runs you? Bro, probably a custody battle with your kids. Dude, I was in Buffalo. So we had a hockey tournament up in Buffalo. Roller hockey.

When was this? A month ago. You're on a roller hockey team? No, it's work. We have a hockey podcast. That's awesome. We do events every once in a while. I used to play hockey, so I do those events with them.

We were in Buffalo for a roller hockey tournament. One of the kids who were playing before me was like, he's like, dude, I got you a cigarette. And I was smoking it. I was like, this is unlike any cigarette I've ever tasted before. I was like, has he laced this? It was gifted for him out behind. It was wet. It was angel dust.

It was wet. I was smoking it. I was like, I've never smoked anything like this before. And then I was like, what is this? He's like, it's a Seneca. It's like the pride of Western New York. And people were like, I've never smoked anything like this before. And then I was like, what is this? He's like, it's a Seneca. It's like the pride of Western New York. And people were like, oh. The second.

Let me see the box. The second I'm done this, I'm ripping a Seneca. And every time I ride my bike past Seneca Ave in, like, Ridgewood, I think of Seneca cigarettes. I've never seen anybody smoke a menthol other than a Newport. Really? Yeah. I mean, Newport menthols to me are like that seen anybody smoke a menthol other than a Newport. Really? Yeah. I mean, Newport menthols to me are like that.

Marlboro menthol. Camel crush. Newport menthol. The official cigarette of Percocet addiction. We got Newports around here. Yeah, right there. I just thought that like if I think that Newport menthols are the king of the menthols. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Top of the mountain. Yeah. Top of the mountain. I mean, I say you smoke one. You say you don't smoke, it's cool. I say you give it a shot.

I'm a red guy when I do pretend to smoke. You want to be cool smoking that? I'm going to light it. That was pretty smooth. I'll give you that one. That was nice. It is. And his name is Ian.

Ian. It's just... So we... It is, and his name is Ian. But so we, the, it is, it's quite, but the, so the next morning when they tell me that. I'll put a record on. Yeah. Desmond Decker, the King of Ska. Look at this. Huh? We just got to get some whores down here.

Pace McCall, you're up. So the next day I go to support the local community. I go to get a carton. Look at you. I go to get a pack of cigarettes. To support the local community. That's like me getting a hooker and being like, I'm supporting women. It's Saturday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sign up for OnlyFans. But the, I was like, can I get some Seneca's? And he comes back with the whole cart. And I'm such a pushover. I was like, all right, whatever. I'll buy this $200 pack of cigarettes. And then, but then he brings it up.

What do you think he brings it up? Okay, all right, all right, wait. Ten cart, ten pack.'re upstate 10 packs you're upstate 10 packs seneca's uh 62 dollars 30 clean jordy start the car we're going upstate bro i i legitimately considered like i was like running through my head like what kind of business I could run just selling cigarettes out of the back of the office. My grandmother, she smoked cigarettes, died of cancer, just smoked them until she was dead. The cancer on top of the cancer. She used to smoke Kents.

You guys even? Yes. I don't know Kents. The only person I've ever known to smoke them was my grandma. She had some sort of plug. I would always ask her, like, you know, where do you get them?

She goes, I bootleg them off the reservation. Oh, dude, when I told people I bought these, they were like, I was like,

I was telling everyone who was listening in Buffalo. Yeah, exactly. For 30 bucks. That's a story. You guys are never going to guess. And then people from Buffalo

will be like, you paid 30 bucks, you got ripped off. Cheaper on the res. Oh, my God. They knew, they spotted the mark from a mile away. We're going to charge people from Buffalo will be like, you paid $30? You got ripped off. Cheaper on the rest. They spotted the mark from a mile away. We're going to charge this guy $30. Yeah, and that's how they lost Manhattan. They're not really known for their negotiation skills.

He throws them a fucking friendship bracelet. They're like, here, take the store. I feel like that had to be the all-time, like, wait, wait, guys, can we do that over? I didn't know what was going on. You know, the all-time, like, I didn't know the rules. I didn't know the rules. Let's try again. Like when I teach you in Moneyball, you hang up as soon as you get the answer you wanted.

They were like, you guys stop giving us blankets. We'll give you Manhattan. Deal, deal. Sell it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You give it back to them so that they sell it to you at a higher price You're like there's a name for this I can't put my finger on it

Can we buy it back We'll give you the 10 bucks we gave you Well to us It's worth a little more than the 10 dollars It couldn't have gone up that much in value that fast. Hold on, hold on. We'll give it back to you, but we've got to get Chief always sick to cough on him a little bit.

That sucks for them. Dude, I'm going to have a Seneca. How about this? Have you ever had a Newport Red? No. Bro, I was on acid one time. I bought a pack of Seneca, have you ever, oh, how about this? Have you ever had a Newport Red? No. Bro. I was on acid one time.

I bought a pack of Newport Reds because I was like, all right, I'll try it. It's new on the market. I'll get ahead of the cigarette curve. It was so bad I threw up. But because I was on acid, I was like, you can't waste anything. Tobacco's from the earth. So I just smoked them all. Like, it was terrible. I thought you were talking like you picked up the puke or something.

Oh, no. You went dog. Like, don't waste anything. I was on acid, not fucking angel dust. Yeah. You just ripped a whole fucking box. Oh, it was terrible. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was, like, going to do stand-up. And then I, like, was just, like, freaking out. And then I went on a date on acid one time. This girl that I had hooked up with was like— She didn't tell you what, because you didn't tell her. You were on acid. No, I did.

And this nimble little mix tricked me into telling her. So I didn't know that I was going to hang out with her, and it was like a Wednesday. I didn't have anything. I was like, today's a good day to go take acid and go to the park. What a life you lead a Wednesday. I know. Wednesday.

Hop on the bike. Yeah. Hit the park. This was 2013. I was working. No, it's acid day. Tuesday.

This is, this is 2013. I was working as an administrative assistant three days a week at some like a financial firm in Midtown. I was so bad at the job. I would drink vodka on the way to work and then puke in the bathroom. And then like two hour lunches. Yeah.

And I got in trouble. I got in trouble. Cause I was, I would talk so low on the phone when I would try to find out about people's equity loans. And they were like, you need to talk louder. But I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't want anyone to hear that.

So I was like, I'm a soft talker. I can't help it. Dude, I knew nothing. I,. So I was like, I'm a soft talker. I can't help it. Dude, I knew nothing. I just knew that like I fucking fucked up the Pinkerton file one time. And that was like a big deal. So I dosed myself with acid. And I'm like, man, I'm going to have a good day.

And then she's like, hey, I'm in your neighborhood. Want to hang out? I'm like, oh, my God. And I could not leave my, I kept walking up to my apartment door, touching the door, opening it and be like, there's a whole world out there. Shut the door. Took me so long. I got there. I sat down.

She was reading the New York Times obituary section. And I thought she was going to read me my obituary. Tell me how I die. And the walls melting behind her. And I said, like, I kept my cool. And cool and i go hey you want to get out of here she's like yeah and she thought i was like oh hips like a cool but in reality my mind was melting out of my ears and i'm like i have to leave everything is overcoming me and then this tricky was like tell me the worst thing that's ever happened to you what's the worst thing you've ever done?

And like trying to be like, oh, get to know each other on this day. But acid, they used to use it with the CIA's truth serum. So I'm just fucking, well, one time there's a hooker and beep, a-da-ba-deep, beep. And I go, and I got to be honest. Now that we're being honest, I'm on a lot of acid. She's like, oh, my God. I'm just upset you didn't bring it for me. She was a mom. I was going to say, was she a party girl? Or no, she was a mom. She's like, oh my God. Was she like, you didn't bring it for me. She was a mom.

I was going to say, was she a party girl? Or no, she was a mom. She was a mom. Well, I'm just saying that there's, you know,

you tell a girl on a date that you're on acid, it's going to go one of two ways. You know, she's either like, what the fuck? Or she's like, what the fuck?

Why didn't you bring some for me? Right, right, right. She was like, why didn't you bring some for me? So then we went and got fucked up. And do you know that guy

that was like, the rent's too damn high. Yeah. I met him that night and I got his phone number so that we could talk about the rent. I should go on right now. And so then like, do we hooked up and everything?

La la la. And then, um, we met up on acid. I've never done acid. No, we didn't, we didn't fuck i stupid fucking no i call hook it up kissing i'm the same way i'm yeah i'm i hooked up with her i kissed her yeah no are we in seventh grade gentlemen i know so what do you call it i understand i think i would say i kissed a girl. I would be like, I made out with her. What are you, a Katy Perry song?

I kissed a girl and I liked it. If someone says you hook up with her, I would be like, no, no, no. We just like made out at the bar or something like that. Yeah, I might say that. If you say you hooked up with someone at this age, that to me implies that somebody came. Somebody fucking came. A job of some sort. A blow,

a hand, or a rim. How about this? Imagine if you just got a rim job. We didn't really hook up, I just got a rim job. Yeah, no, I wouldn't go out and hook it up. We made out with my asshole. Nobody came, that was it. That's a good loophole for those virgins. Nobody came. I did eat his ass,

but I didn't make him come. Just straight to ass. What a dream. I did eat his ass, but I didn't make him come. Oh my God. Just straight to ass. What a dream. I'm spitting on my own dick. I'll take care of this. You do that. Listen, lady, I can take care of my own dick.

I can't take care of my own asshole, all right? I'm poor gal. I knocked her glasses off. Jerk him with the car. You're just matching me. Yeah. Oh, off. Jerk him. Get the car. You're just mashing it now. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Poor gal.

Good times in the basement. That's what it's about. I was on a bachelor party once with this guy. You know, there's always one, like, the funny, like, absolute clown maniac. There's always, like, one at the bachelor party. And he was talking about his thing was trying to get his ass eaten. Or not even, like, it was his thing. He always got his ass eaten. That was his thing.

And everyone else on the bachelor party, there was a couple guys who were married, a couple guys who were a little more prude. Their mind is blown. And he just said, he's like, every time he's ever gotten hit, he just, like, kind of just keeps going further back. Like he said, he's stretching in spring training. Yeah, yeah. He just slowly kept rolling back a little bit more until it was just like, well, there it is.

Wow. And he was like a good looking guy. There's probably a million reasons why he was getting his ass eaten. But he was like, it works every time, guys. That's how I roll back and they do it. I'm like, I don't think that's going to work for him. Maybe it would for you, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some fucking pockmark guy. Our fat friend's just trying to roll back. He's like, fuck, and as he does it... He wasn't trying to roll back. He was just sitting and he fell. Dude, I... That's how I would eat ass, is I'd keep them... I'd be going down and I'd push them up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And take a long scoop. Dude, but here's the deal, too. I end up doing that too far. Next thing I know, I'm holding the fucking girl. You put, like, your power bomb pin in them, bro. Basically, every fucking time I eat ass, I end up with a chick's fucking, like, her, like, kidneys on my shoulders.

Her doodle piece. And, like, her kidneys on my shoulders. And it ends up being, like, where, like, I'm'm staring down and being like how the hell do we get here? Her chin is in her chest. Like not this angle. You're looking like her lower back. You're like looking at her lumbar by that point. We're both like L4, L5.

We both like what is happening? Like I don't know. He's powerbombing. He tries to save and he's like no all girls like getting their spine licked this is a new thing I saw it on the rap Tessa Keaton baby this whole thing

is just evolving into me not knowing what an asshole is I was I was thinking of this the other day I was trying to think of something that is like

wholly unique to like our generation. I feel like... I guess you can't say that nobody was eating ass. Back in Greek times, they were getting kinky with it.

I don't think our grandparents were coming back from the war. Like, hey, you made it out of World War II. Here's to killing the Nazis. Give me that ass. Now, Vietnam, they went over there and they learned some things. Yes. That's where they learned it. But like,

of course, there's always people who do it, whatever. But like I'm saying, if we had a room full of our parents and grandparents and like you pulled the room,

like I think all of them would be like, what dude? At best case, it was a fucking, it was one of those like, it's your birthday deals. That, dude,

now, bro, I haven't had sex. I think like, like hookers and like sex workers are the only people who are doing that yeah yeah like for your for your for your birthday you're getting like a blow job that's what happened to me maybe some anal sex i got i got a wishy-washy in philly and i said it was my birthday and she goes happy birthday and she put a condom on her tongue and started giving me a little analingus she did a little dental dam yep yep yeah no way bro yeah and and my grandmother gave me money for

my birthday and i used it on this wishy-washy and there's a mirror next to the bed and i'm looking and i'm like you used to get excited to open presents on christmas morning what is happening now you're getting your ass eaten by a hooker named Ping? Where did you go wrong? Yeah, that's what I mean. I wonder what the missing link is. Like I said, if you ask a grandparent or a grandparent. But there had to be

in maybe the 80s it started where some guys were like, I think I want a tongue in my ass too. Because your grandparents didn't. Your grandparents didn't. Your father didn't, but a young father might. Do you think our parents jerked off? I don't think so. What?

Of course. Really? What are we talking about? You don't think your dad masturbated? I don't know. I can't picture my parents doing that. Yeah, you're right. Thanks, producer.'t know. I can't picture my parents doing that. Yeah, you're right. Thanks, producer. It's the only way I can come.

Now that we're talking about it, I'm picturing it, just so you know. Both of them, they're doing it mutually. It's a mutual masturbation session. You know what? I'm picturing his dad, too. My mouth's the sock. Bro, I think everybody from every era has mastered that.

Not to the rate at which we are, which is a lot. But we're doing it because we have an epidemic of depression. That's why we do it so much. This is actually, I'm interested to hear your take. This is a take I've spat out a time or two. Let me hear it. Which is that happy people don't need to come. Oh, this is stupid.

It's because that's, everyone's so depressed. That's why everyone masturbates so much now. But if you're happy, you don't need to come. I think when I'm depressed, I don't want to even touch myself. I'm the exact opposite. I'm depressed. I need to hit a dopamine. Just a quick fucking Really? Yeah. This is also a take coming from

a broken man in many toxic relationships. Both of us are thinking, you know, in your relationship, you're miserable, you're jerking off. I think that happy people, maybe they don't need to come, but they will and they want to and they can and all that.

I feel like if I'm depressed, I can't. When I'm happy, no one's allowed to get my dick. Just suck the happiness out of me, you devil woman. Keep the happy in. Happy's in my balls. He's walking around with fucking grapefruits. How you doing? Never be better.

I'm Van Wilder's dog, dude. You're that dude who had to wear the hoodie upside down to carry his balls. Oh, God. Randy in South Park. That's nuts. Dude, that's the funny. I think that's the hardest I've ever laughed at South Park when he got his nuts. When he puts them in the wheelbarrow.

When they were huge in the wheelbarrow, but then he's walking around town. He's just going to join out of his mouth. He's going, Buffalo Soldier. I don't know, dude. When I'm happy, I'm fucking skipping around town. I'm fucking. I'm having a good time. When I'm depressed, I'm like, I don't want anyone to touch me.

I don't want to touch. Don't even get out of bed. I masturbate. You don't even clean it up? John will legit... I can't believe I even speak for you in ways like this. He'll come. He'll jerk off ten times in a day. Really?

I'm endless. At work? No, no, no, no, no no no no I'm talking like a hungover salad I've never masturbated I've never masturbated at a barstool New York office he worked in barstool Boston for like 7 years

yeah Millen used to catch it sometimes Millen was just 3 of the boys hanging out of course I'll go fucking pull puns that was just a frat house that yeah like have you ever heard of this 6 Millen was just three of the boys hanging out. Of course I'll go fucking pull blood sometimes. That was just a frat house. But that, yeah, like, have you ever heard of this 6, 12, 18, 24 challenge? It's this, like, internet thing that... Years back.

Years, years, years, years. What is this? It actually came from a cross-country team is where it originated because you'll understand in a second. 6, 12, 18, 24. Those are the numbers that you have to complete. And you have to do drinking beers, eating donuts, running miles, and coming.

Wait, six beers? You can pick. You can pick whatever you want. You can make the donut six, the beer six, the jerking off six, the running miles six. In a day? Yes. In 24 hours so like you you

you have to almost this is why cross-country teams debate this because they can run the miles yeah because like i have i almost have to make the mile six yeah i can't run 12 18 or 24 yeah but then that means that i've got to get shit faced stuffed with donuts and come a fuck ton dude that is realistically i think the only way you can actually do it is if you do six jerk offs. But this guy- Oh, I know. Fuck that.

No, no, no. But most people are going to say- Put me- Six. You know what I mean? Like, what are you going to do? What's the hardest thing to do the least? I would drink 24.

24 beers. I would do 24 beers. Okay. I do- Now, wait. Do you run or walk the miles? You can walk. You do. Now, wait. Do you run or walk the miles? You got to complete the miles.

Okay. I'm doing fucking six jerk. Wait. What is it? Oh, six jerk offs. Six jerk offs. Six jerk offs. And you got to do donuts and miles. 10 miles.

12 miles. 12 miles. 18 donuts. 18 donuts. 24 beers. I think 24 beers and 18 donuts is going to be hard for you to run any miles. I'm doing, I'm walking the miles, drinking the beers.

And I'm choosing my miles from the southern tip of Manhattan up to Harlem and back down. And while you have a fucking belly full of donuts and a bunch of your shit faced off 24 beers. I'm going into Starbucks and jerking off. Do it in an order? No, you can do it. It all has to be completed off 24 beers. I'm going into Starbucks and jerking off. Do it in an order?

No, you can do it. It all has to be completed in 24 hours. You could save the donuts for the end. You could, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think of this?

One donut every two hours or one donut an hour for the tour? I mean, it always sounds like that, but like, you know, you do a donut an hour and I'll buy, and that's everything. Yes, no sleep, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like like... My six would be donuts. You do a donut an hour and...

Yeah. And that's everything. Yes, no sleep. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like, if you do it that way. But you're jerking off 12 times. I could do that.

No problem. No. Dude, the other day... How long does it take you to jerk off? The other day, I came three times before I lost my boner. Sometimes... Do you cum every time? Yeah.

I mean... And you keep it. What about when you're fucking? It was in the morning. Do you cum every time? Yeah. And you keep it. What about when you're fucking? It was in the morning. Do you cum like semen? This wasn't, by the way. This wasn't jerking off. Is there shit coming out of your dick every time? Yes.

There's shit coming out of my dick. Yeah. I had the other day. I went really wrong. It was like. He doesn't even know what a butthole is. Well, that's sometimes when he says this, I'm like, are we talking about the same thing? Do you know what jerking off is?

Yeah. Do you know what cumming is? Because I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Twelve times. The other day I had a morning where I woke up and I had someone in bed with me. And I like, we like did like a jerk off thing. Oh, like a little mutual masturbation?

That's hot. And then she gave me a blowjob when I came. And then she just kept sucking blowjob when I came. And then she just kept sucking. And I was like, wait. You mean like you were coming and she was like, let me get in my mouth? Yeah. But then just kept going. And then she kept going.

And I was like, wait. How long did it take? I was like, wait, keep going. I'm about to fucking jerk off right now. Talk dirty to me, man. And then so she. Jordy, pop a picture of his dad up there. Come on.

Wait. Hold on. Let's do this. Wait. Hold on. How long did it take you after you came for her to suck and then come again? It didn't stop. Oh, so you had like one huge orgasm? Yeah. No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. I don't understand what you mean. You came and she put her mouth on it. Yeah. And then you said keep going. And how much longer did she suck your dick before you came? Oh, like four minutes. Like not long at all. And then she kept going. And I was like did she suck your dick to before you came? Oh, like four minutes. Like not long at all. And then she kept going.

And I was like, wait, I'm hard. Let's just fuck. And then we fucked. My thing is I can't have air touch it. It was kind of like that. If I come, I can leave it in. What are you, fucking the CDC? You can't go in the air.

There's two things. Like if I'm having trouble getting hard, it can't in the air. There's two things. If I'm having trouble getting hard, it can't touch the air because then I'm done. If I can thumb it in, let's say I got enough that I can get it in, it's like we're not changing positions. This is it.

But then also, if I come and leave it in, I can keep going. But once I pull out, I'm done. My dick is like the Rose in Beauty and the Beast. We're like, it's got to stay. Once it gets exposed to the elements, it withers and dies. You shove a candlestick up your ass, it's like,

Ah! Get me out! It starts talking. Dude, that is wild. That's happened a couple times in my life. Less than five. The double. And I thought I was like, ooh, I'm the man.

The reason I'm telling that story the other morning is because that's not us. Right, right. How old are you? I am 34. How old are you? 37. I'm 37. Sometimes I have a hard time coming.

I don't know if it's age or my medication, but it sucks. That's a dream. That is a champagne problem, I guess. It's also a problem I never thought I was going to have. For the whole first two-thirds of your life, you're worried about not coming quickly. You're like, God, I want it to last forever. And then you do. And you're like, this is terrible. And that's how I really sympathize with chicks.

Yeah. Because when I'm trying, if I can't, I'm like, I gotta like close my eyes. I gotta think about it. And then if something happens, it throws me off. I'm like, dude. Now I gotta start over. See, I don't start over.

I get one shot. Yeah. Yeah. And then that's it. You fake it. You fake it. I fake it. Wow. Spit on her back. I've been faked in a while. Oh, I'll fake it all the time.

Wow. Not all the time, but I'll fake. Because I still drink. You don't drink anymore. So I still drink. So I'll have times where I got to buzz on a little drunk. I'm like, I don't want to fucking. There's a lot.

Sometimes you just don't want to fuck. Yeah. We've always said one of the best feelings is when you're out. If she's on her period or whatever. Yeah, you have to find it. You know you're out and if she's on her period or whatever. You know you're not fucking tonight, so you can drink as much as you want. You can do whatever you want. You don't have to pressure. Dog gets off the leash.

I'm like, dude, I'll have girls where it's like, first of all, I don't give a fuck about you on your period, but if you care and you don't want to fuck my period, then I understand, whatever. I'm on my period. We're not going to do anything tonight. I'm like, whoa. We're going to do something tonight I'm like Oh yeah We're gonna do something It's not that Something

Dude We're partying tonight It's so funny You can eat whatever you want You can do whatever you want It's so funny how things change Because if you If like as a kid or teen

You were like You're gonna not wanna have sex with me It's like all I wanna do is have sex Absolutely And then When you're like a kid And you're watching porn You're going to not want to have sex with me. It's like, all I want to do is have sex. And then when you're like a kid and you're watching porn, you're like, ew, there's a dick. Gross.

And then now it's like, there are seven dicks. I'm fucking not keeping it hard. I don't want to look at this dude's little dick. Give me a nice fat fucking hog to fuck this girl. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. I also, like, I remember being like, there is just no way I will ever have a problem getting my dick hard. Yeah.

It's just, it's, it's hard all the time. Yeah. I'm like, so goddamn horny as like a teenager into my twenties. Like, it's just not gonna be a problem for me.

I mean, you know, you hit a certain age, like it's a problem for me. Yeah. Dude, it's, it's,

I, dude, you know, what gets me Fucking going sometimes Is uh oh this is so gay Fucking talking about emotions And fucking eye contact Like yeah yeah yeah

If I'm with a girl And we're like talking about how much we like each other Or trust each other Like you know I feel like I could be vulnerable with you My dick starts to get so hard And then I'll have a hard time coming And if we like make eye contact and like make it like oh dude i'm like yeah it's crazy right right i know i know

and i've had fucking sharing your ten dicks in my body trying to fight in one more you fucked guys and that's the gayest thing about you i know i know i'm always so fascinated by that you you're you have a girlfriend now or no? Do you go through periods where you're like, I'll fuck girls for a period? So next topic. So you're a degenerate pervert? Tell us more.

Basically, yeah. I have never even given that an option. So maybe I haven't. I don't know what my kink is because I just learned it. It's emotions. Oh, yeah. Like what I was saying. I've never taken it for a spin.

I don't know. No, he's saying that might be his kink because he's never done it before. I don't have a clue. Have you ever, like, fucked someone and been like, I fucking love you. I fucking love you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Meant it?

Never. That might be your kink. love you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mented? Never. That might be your kink. Might be a love kink. Yeah. I'll say it right away. Really? I'll say it the first time I fuck you. No.

Whisper I love you in your ear. Really? I don't give a fuck about that word. That's like when people, like had I've had girls be like You sound like you're reclaiming the word retarded I'll fucking say it I'll fucking say it I will fucking tell you I love you to your face

When I was growing up that word meant nothing I'll fucking say whatever I want I'll toss it around like Words don't mean shit bro I've had girls be like You swore on like your mother It's like yeah I don't mean shit bro I've had girls be like you swore on like your mother it's like yeah I don't fucking care

I lied and you have some I'm a liar you have some weird system in your head where saying I swear on my mother means something it doesn't mean anything

to me so I'll swear on whatever you want a bible a mother a kid a dog I don't care let's go to the graveyard

these are not my rules These are your rules You idiot If you swear on your mother Apparently it means something Not me I don't give a shit My mom could be dead

I think people who think Love means something Are fucking idiots I love you Love you Yeah I love you too Because I want to fuck you Whatever

I say I love you To absolutely everybody Really I alluded that word I always say I never leave a love you hanging So if someone says I love you to absolutely everybody I alluded to that word I always say I never leave a love you hanging so if someone says alright I love you I'm like I love you too

to fucking anybody I say I say I say to my guys like my friends like hey bro I love you I say to my friends no no no

do you mean it when you say it I say it I say it to everybody like he'll you know if you say like I love you

it's one thing people will be like guys that interview was great I had so much fun love you if you say, like, I love you, it's one thing. People will be like, guys, that interview was great. I had so much fun. Love you guys. And John will be like, I love you, too. Like, yo, they do mean it that way. Thank you very much. I love you, too, Bert.

Bert in particular loves it like that. I love you, too. Dude, I mean, I've said. There was a little wee, like, just love you guys sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had full-on relationships. I'm like, I think this chick loves me. You're saying it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, well, I'm not going to not say it back. That'd be rude. I think this chick wants to move in with me. You said you were going to look at furniture together. Dude. Wow. Did you say I love you a lot when you were a kid? Like to my parents and stuff?

Yeah. Not really. Really? So what do you think? I, to my parents and stuff? Yeah. Not really. Really? So what do you think? I do love my parents, but, like, no, we weren't one of those, like, overly touchy families. So what do you think made... Yeah. Well, that might explain why he's hypersexual.

Like, I haven't, like, hugged my dad a lot. That wasn't a real... Really? Like, it wasn't like a... No, we weren't like, oh, good night, love you guys. Right. No, it wasn't... So do you think that that't like, oh, good night. Love you guys. Right. No, it wasn't. So do you think that that's why the word love doesn't mean much to you?

Because it never meant much going on. I don't think so, because, like, we do actually love each other. Right. So maybe, I more often say I love you to the people I don't love. Yeah. Like, I think, yeah, that means most to me. Spit in their face. Yeah, yeah means most to me. Spit in their face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing.

Like, the more you, like, me and my friends will see each other and be like, fuck you, and that's like, I love you, man. My brother came back from California. He's living out there, and so we don't see him as much anymore. And when he came home, he, like, hugged my sister and hugged my mom and my dad. And for us, it was just like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't weird.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. So many people put so much weight on, it was just like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't weird. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. So many people put so much weight on, like, I love you. And it's like, a part of me is like, that is a sacred la-la. But at the same time, it's like, it's an emotion. We feel emotions all the time. Just say it. Who cares?

Well, I think you just have to be on the same page with people. Yeah. It means something to you. It doesn't mean something to me. Yeah, yeah. Well, what I do is, and I think this means everything. I think this makes a big difference, is when someone will text me, I love you. Uh-huh.

I reply, love you too. Yeah. The I love you versus the I love you. I think that's in place. Like, hey, we're on a little bit of a different page. Dude. No, it's true. I know girls who have been like, say the I.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm such a chick. I was in like seventh grade, and this girl that I had a crush on on AIM and some messenger messaged me. He was like, okay, talk to you later. Love you. Bye. And I called my friend. I was like, she said you, not ya.

You. Oh, my God. Oh, that's very different. I genuinely think that our generation learned to speak a new language. It's learned to speak technology. If you tell my parents that, they'd be like, what are you, fucking nuts? That's not different. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's very different. It's almost like learning body language. Yeah, right. Maybe. Sometimes I think that a girl who doesn't like a guy as much, like in a friend zone, might throw out like a love ya. Yeah. Maybe not even realize. Or sometimes you realize it

and do it on purpose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, down to like word choice or like how many whys you put at the end of hey. Yeah. Or when you just say okay with a period, you know, you're fucked. Yes. All these things are like, I'm in trouble because I can tell by the tone of their text. Yeah. That's like, yeah, you show it it to a parent like they haven't had their ass eaten

And they don't know how to react The um Fuck was I going to say Oh when we were talking about the love you's and stuff like that And that's how I say it all the time I have had a nightmare I guess Or a bad thought So I was saying how I've never been, I don't know if I've

ever meant it. Right. Right. What if I meant it every time and I just don't know what love is? Like, what if I am right now? What if I am, I would tell you I'm a depressed person. But what if I'm fucking

... Oh, are you? Check'm fucking Are you check check check you're being vulnerable so you're twisting the mic cord Check check check. Okay. Okay. Um, we'll fix it in post but We won't it hasn't been off the whole time. Okay The um, like I would describe myself as, like, a depressed person. Right. But, like, what if I'm just happy and I just. You don't even know what depressed is, bro.

I have a misguided sense of what happiness is. So, like, give an example of your depression as opposed to your happiness. Like, my idea of happy is just from movies and TV shows and shit like that. And, like, I'm actually what a happy person is. This might be as good as it gets. Yeah. Right. This is.

Which is. Which makes it even more depressing. Right. Wait, I'm actually what a happy person is. This might be as good as it gets. Yeah. Right. Which is, which makes it even more depressing. Right. Wait, why? It seems like things are good. If this is what happiness is. Well,

I think it's an easier way to kind of conceptualize it is, is like love where you like, you're in a relationship and you say, I love you

and you think you're in love. And then maybe, maybe your next relationship, you meet someone who you're like, oh, this is love. Right. I thought that was love,

but this person makes me feel a whole different thing. What if that's happy? Like you thought you were happy until you got the job or the girl or the dream, and you're like, oh, wait a minute. I thought I was happy then. Like I'm really happy now. Or what's worse than that is, oh, man, I'm so depressed. I want to make myself happy.

And then you realize, like, this is it. No, you're happy. Yeah, but your brain is firing on like as happy as... But what if you find that the happiness is something that exists, not something that you're searching for? Well, what do you think happiness is? Do you think it's like a chemical in your brain? Do you think it's a feeling?

Do you think it's an aura? I think happiness is... Getting your ass eaten. Getting your ass eaten with a chick you say I love you and it's a lie. And you said it so that she'd eat your ass eaten with a chick you say i love you and it's a lie and you said it so that you'd eat your hands uh no i think happiness is i think every sort of emotion is fleeting and the the importance of the emotion is how much time you dictate spending on it so like happiness is something that's fleeting in and i mean that in in a good way, in that it doesn't last, but it comes back often.

And the key to it is finding what makes you happy and holding on to that. So like happiness could be just enjoying the day or the moment. And then if you work on living in the moment, you can continually be happy. I mean, you can continually be happy. But if you think happiness is attaining this, getting that, being X level of whatever, then I don't think you're ever going to be happy because it's never going to be enough. Yeah. Yes. And depression is just anger turned inward.

Yeah. So like if you have anger towards yourself, you need to find happiness somewhere to combat that. And happiness is relative and subjective to to what about if you think that depression you said that again depression is anger turns inward inward toward it turns out what what if like all of the things that uh like piss you off or make you depressed or like outward other people people, other factors, other. Well, usually what I hate in other people is what I hate in myself. And it makes me hate them or this instance or what people do. Let's take an extreme case.

Like somebody abuses you, hits you, hates you, whatever. Like that's not your fault. No, of course not. But you're going to probably be a depressed person about that, right? Right. But oftentimes with abuse and with hitting, you think that it's your fault because you should have done something differently. I didn't stop it. Why did I let it?

And then you hold that anger that it happened towards yourself. And so getting out of that takes a ton of work. It takes a lot of time and it takes a lot of energy. That's what sucks about this whole thing. What? Mental health. Life.

Existing. What sucks about this whole thing about mental health, life, existing? Like, I just, the first 26 or 27 years of my life, it was like, I didn't have any problems. And anything that I thought was a problem, I quickly learned several years later, was not even really a problem. And now there's problems, and there's issues, and there's bills, and there's drama. And to get through that, you've got to try hard. When you don't have real problems, it's like and to get through that you gotta like try hard yeah like when you're when you don't have

real problems it's like oh this sucks like I got fired I'll just get another job or I got dumped I'll find another girl or like I fucking broke my leg

but it healed or whatever it was just like eh we'll figure it out and then eventually it's like oh I can't figure this out which means I have to

like try to figure this out that shit sucks I'm working on it yeah no you say I'm working on it you got carte blanche say you're working on it. I'm working on it. Yeah, no, you just say I'm working on it. You got carte blanche. The carte blanche excuse for life. I'm working on it.

I've been working on it for decades. Dude, my buddy told me my middle name should be working on it. Years ago, he was just like, you're always working on it. I'm like, but I am. We're all a work in progress. No, I mean, I think that's like one of the toughest things. I'm working on it like someone who brings their laptop to the club on Thirsty Thursday.

I'm like, I need to finish the paper tonight. I'm working on it, but it is not the main thing I'm doing. It's like, bro, you're not even connected to the Wi-Fi. Mostly, I'm destroying it, in fact. Oh, it sucks, man. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing

that's so tough and why so many people blame other things. Yeah, because that's the easy way out. Because it's way easier. Instead of, like, realizing that your life sucks and that you need to fucking work hard and you need to change this and you're a toxic person, you could go, capitalism! You know?

And be like, that's why, blah, blah. It's like, no, nobody wants to look in the mirror and go you fucking suck your shit sucks you got a bad attitude and the only one that can change is the one looking back at you don't even take it as far as that like just the ability for for people to go like oh like that was my fault or like that is my fault i need to change i i think so few people can do that yeah so few people few people can just be like, oh, I fucked this up. Yeah. Like 99% of people are going to be like, well, no, but he.

Totally. But they. But dude, a lot of everything we do is just patterns of behavior that we've gotten used to that we cannot get out of. Yeah. So in order to break those patterns, you have to recognize your behaviors. You have to recognize the patterns. And then eventually you go, oh, I'm doing that pattern I do where when I get upset or scared, I blame someone else.

Okay, I'm recognizing it. And then now that takes a long time for awareness. And then it takes even longer to turn it into action. But once you do that, man, I'm telling you as as someone that has when you get on the other side it opens up a whole new plane of existence to you where it's almost like you can like live in the matrix of having things slow down you can recognize like oh i'm being and i'm behaving the way that i used to and not using an excuse like right like there's this push now it's very strange where people go i'm a neurodivergent, autistic, blah, blah,

so I may be short and not pay attention, and that's me. And it's like, oh, cool, so you recognize it, and you're still going to act like an asshole? Then it's just a blanket. Change. But it does take a while to change that. I'd be like, okay, well, guess what?

I'm an easily angered adult man who gets violent fast. So this ain't going to work. Just so you know where I'm coming from. You're punching somebody and they're like, I can't help it. It's my DNA. Right. We can both not change, but it's going to go worse for you than it does for me. Violent white guys, the last people alive who can't be who they want to be.

Yeah. Yeah. This is your fault. You're blaming it on. I was born this way. Lady Gaga sings about it. You're blaming it on a vulture article on a vice documentary. Yeah, but that, so that was like,

that was our parents and grandparents generation, right? Just fucking push it down and kick the dog or the humans. And be like, which is why now this generation is into deviant ass eating behavior and everything

because they never dealt with their shit. I feel like I'd rather be, I mean, obviously I don't want to harm anybody, but I'd rather just be like,

I'll just keep it all inside until I die rather than spend all my time working on it. Yes. Yeah. So like, yeah, it's like, oh, I like, I'll just keep it all inside until I die. Rather than spend all my time working on it. Yes. Yep. I understand.

Yeah. So like, yeah, it's like, oh, I could work on this and fix it by the time I'm like 50 or I could just hang out like I am until I'm dead when I'm 60. What the best and easiest and most fun way to deal with it? Drinky, drinky, drinky, smoky, smoky, smoky. Right, right. Makes it go away. That's Irish. Yeah.

That's the best, dude. You fucking just drink it away and worry about it later you know until you've lost your chance to do that and you gotta change because ever in your life runs away it's tough man it's really tough and like i try to remember that everyone has their own battle and they're going through this and that, which is why I think, like, you said you anger easily and you get, like, violent easy. I don't know if that was, like, a joke or not. But I.

Everything's rooted in a little bit of truth. Dude, I pop the fuck off when I'm, like, kind to someone and they're rude to me because I'm, like, I'm treating you how I want to be treated. And, like, I used to really pop off bad. And then now I take a step back and I go, okay, there, that's a reflection. That's them. Their hat.

It's their thing. But sometimes I can't fucking help it. Like I was at the, um, uh, tow yard, the car got towed and the woman behind the thing was being so fucking rude for no reason. And I'm, and I'm thinking to my head, I'm like, dude, she's working for the NYPD tow yard. That's one of the worst jobs in the world. Her job sucks. The AC's broke.

Like, give her the ban for the doubt. And then she was just, like, being rude. I was like, sir, I don't need you standing there, sir. And I'm like, lady, I'm being so fucking loud. I'm keeping it all inside. And then, truly truly i couldn't hear her because of her mask i was like can you repeat that she goes blah blah blah i go can you i i really can't hear you she goes blah blah i go can you please she goes i'm not repeating it again

sir i've said it too many times and i just snapped and i go you know it is so surprising that you don't have a ring on your finger and i just walked away it was like, yeah, suck it! She killed herself later that night. I don't need a man to make my life okay. This is my decision. I have three cats and they all love me. Alright, let's bash people with cats, okay? Oh, I saw the cat thing coming

down. I'm surprised I held it in this long. I got my cat's name tattooed on my arm. Did you get a new one down here, too? I thought I saw some little reds in his knees. By the way, I think Toe Yard would be a great OnlyFans for foot people. The Toe Yard, right? It's a good one.

Kevin's brain, it works. 10% podcast, 90% OnlyFans. It's all OnlyFans. Are you guys subbed to OnlyFans? And I'll tell you what, he's fucking good at it. Every time I've heard... Wait, like coming up with someone's idea? Yeah.

I would be a great OnlyFans pimp, yeah. I would love for you to live in this basement and this be your couch and you just chomp a cigar and girls come down and you're like, let me look at you. Okay, here's your gimmick. Get on out of here. I honestly could do it. It's like the casting couch.

It's like, yeah, come down. I was going to say a sorority house mom. Pop the shirt off. All right, I could lose about three pounds here, two pounds there. The laser pointer. Oh, my God. Problem areas here. Oh, my God.

Well, it's just, yeah, my brain is just constantly. Because it's like I've been saying forever. I think everyone's going to have an OnlyFans at some point. So get on it now. and it's a little bit stigma-ish but you'll be you'll make a boatload of money and eventually it'll just be like an Instagram what's your Twitter handle what's your Instagram what's your OnlyFans and some people will be

fucking on it and some people won't but it'll just be another social media thing and if you got on it early and you played it right you could be rich bro I really think in the future because attractive women and hot guys are gonna go why would I ever work a regular job? Why would I ever?

And I do think, you know, some people have legitimate stigma, maybe a family member or a relationship or whatever, that it's a real problem. But most people I think are a little bit embarrassed. And the minute that you get like a $10,000 check for the month when you were previously like scraping by, you don't give a fuck about the stigma anymore. Yeah. You're like, okay, never mind. I don't care because I can live my life now.

It's like have some common fucking decency. What do you mean? What are you going to work OnlyFans for the rest of your life? Oh, yeah. We're just okay with sucking and fucking for everyone to see? No. Some things should be behind closed doors. Now let me show you.

I get that, but also, like, no, I'm going to get rich off it. I guess. I mean, like. What am I going to make? Cock and ball jokes the rest of my life? Apparently. Yeah, yeah. I fucking hope so.

What's a real, what's decent, you know? I don't know. I mean, that's the way it's going. It's like, you know, this is our OnlyFans. It's like we're all whoring ourselves out with these dumb dick jokes. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. I don't think. Dude, well, that's the thing.

It does make me go, man, once you turn this corner, there's no going back. And who's going to want to work at fucking Chipotle when if they are kind of hot, it's like, oh, I could bank off this. But then it's like that does something societally because then like there's like there's already disparity between like, oh, I don't look like that girl in the magazine. I don't look like that. It's going to be like, I don't look like that girl. And then it's going to be such a divide't look like that and then it's going to be such a divide between the hots and the knots and it already is that's been going on for a long time yeah but i think it's going to be magnified once because anyone can get into it yeah i don't think

yeah i don't think it can be more magnified after instagram that's the thing yeah i i i but the difference is that like one out of every like million girls became an actress or a singer yes and became rich and fabulous now it's like yeah now it's like a regular ass chick it's like well now i fly private and i have fucking you know school girls on tiktok in britain are filming themselves like jumping rope and wearing school girl outfits in the bathrooms of their school and getting groomers and pedophiles to cash out them money. Yeah, that's great. It is insane.

And that's where we're headed. How much did you send them? And that's, why do you think I plugged the fucking page around? I'm running out of money. And that's, that's why like, I'm like, man, this is weird down a fucking dark road. Oh yeah. I, I, yes, I totally agree. You know, and then I that it's dark and evil.

And then I think that's going to make misogyny and insults because guys are going to be like, what the fuck? And it's like, you weren't born on it. People got to build houses. I read an article, an interesting, we got to build houses. I read an article that was written by like a 30-year-old woman. She said she's like a feminist, but not an asshole feminist.

She's a regular person. And she said that the girls gone wild, hyper-sexualized feminist movement of we can fuck and not be sluts and whatever has ruined her generation of girls. I read that. Bridget Fetsey? I know who you're talking about. I read that. Yeah. Bridget Fetsey? Maybe it was another. I know who you're talking about, but I don't.

She's great. But there is a pushback against that whole like free the pussy movement. Yeah, yeah. I can throw it around. It's empowering. This girl's point was like we can either just put our heads in the sand

and keep acting like men and women are the same sexually or we can admit that there are some differences here and that if girls do throw it around, that there's pregnancy risk, but there's also different emotions and hormones that happen with them versus guys

who can really just quit it. But like they said that the whole point of it was that their pendulum swinging back, that like the younger, I guess like TikTok generation now, is like there are girls who are having less sex, choosing to wait longer. They said the clergy is up, like more women

are signing up to be nuns again. I'm sure it's still like this, but like it is uptick. Is that shocking at all though? Because like, I mean like everything culturally is so reactive and opposite. We're going to talk about it today with like skinny jeans, skinny jeans, skinny jeans. Now it's like all pants are

humongous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the same thing. I suck cock, I suck cock, I suck cock. Never mind, I'm at the nunnery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to go quick. Right.

You could have, I mean, I guess maybe when you're in the moment, when you're in the eye of the storm, you never think it could possibly be different. But whatever's popular now, the exact opposite is going to be popular. We always say, though, things like, can you imagine what our kids or our kids' kids are going to be getting into? They're going to be popular. We always say, though, things like, can you imagine what, like, our kids or our kids' kids are going to be getting into? Like, they're going to be doing anal

when they're 10 years old. And it's like, but actually, it sounds like it's kind of going the other way. Well, in a way, because... The kid's like, those are your fantasies, you pervert. I'm trying to learn. You're the one talking about 10-year-olds doing anal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to be a priest. Why do you keep talking about the future? I'm going to do the anal. That boy wouldn't have been hard in church. Here's the deal. I was hard in church all the time. That's all I'm saying. What I'm trying to say is if a priest ever tried to fuck me, I was putting out the signs.

I was a ultra boy and I was an altar boy and I was naked under that robe. I'm testifying for him in the trial. Like, if we're talking about reading the room,

he read it correctly. That'd be such a funny skit being like, now listen, we're not going to tell our parents. Like, yeah,

I know. I know what's going on. Let's go. Enough with the pleasantries. Whip out that old spotted dick. You thought you picked me up? Bro, I've been fucking hard since the first homily, dude.

Isn't this a sketch that got Tiffany Haddish and Aries Spears in trouble? Yo, that's always fucking wild. I don't know about it. Wild. What is it? Tiffany Haddish and Aries Spears. Basically, I don't remember exactly how they met these kids, but they, like, became family friends with, like, the mother. And the mother had, like, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old.

And somewhere along the way, they were, like, alone with them. And they were filming a Funny or Die skit where it was, like, through the eyes of a pedophile and ari spears was like the pedophile and they had like the 10 year old boy be like the actor in the skit and it was like jokes but it was like about like yeah didn't they make him like like uh put oil on him in a bad and i think yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i think i maybe it was like part of the sketch was like his dream or something. But like it was he was the pedophile. The kid was the victim, I guess, subject. And there was some touching.

Never anything like they didn't like fully, you know, it was everything like fully sexual. But all that went on. And it got uploaded to Funny or Die for like a split second. And then the people at Funny or Die, I think they had one of those open source things. Right, right, right. They took it down and they were like, Funny or Die does not co-sign this at all. But I was like,

this is probably going to be a he said, she said. And it was like, no, this movie, this video was made and uploaded. So that part is true. And didn't one of the kids get upset and Tiffany Haddish yelled at them? Yeah. Like, you're never going to work in this thing.

Yeah, yeah. They went and told their parent, their mom, like, I don't want to do that again. That may be uncomfortable. And she was like, you're never going to be a star in this business if you can't like be professional. Like these were just like jokes or this was just funny or whatever. It's a weird.

Were the kids actors or these were their parents friends or something? They were, I think, friends. They like wanted to act or something. Yeah. I'm now big in the industry. Tiffany Haddish, Harry Spears. Like, dude, you want to be like me? But it's just a weird one that I was like, whoa.

I'm always of the mind of like, what's the other side of the coin? Excuse the joke. Were they trying to be funny? I can get it. They missed the mark. But it seems. This is a bit much. Yeah.

Who in their right, they have to get a production crew. They have to get camera. Nobody is like, hey, what? What the fuck? This isn't funny. I can get down with you, especially from the comic point of view of like they're trying to be funny. Not when there's kids involved. No, no, no.

Kids can never be involved in that, you know? Here's the thing. Here's the thing. What is. Yeah, yeah. That's what I was thinking. What is funny about seeing things through the eyes of a pedophile? I think that's what it was.

Don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure. That's not funny. There's not going to be much humor there. Yeah. Through the eyes of a pedophile, yeah. It's like humor there. Yeah Yeah, oh I think one of the I think one of the kids is of age now or something and that so that you know Turned 18 or whatever. This is the current thing. Yeah, like just popped like to it

Well, it happened one time ago, but the way everything twists and turns One of the headlines was like Tiffany Tiffany Adams, Sherry Spears, grooming children. It's like, why is everyone obsessed with grooming kids? That word is tough to say now. I tried to say it for something the other day. I can't even take my dog to get a haircut. Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

I think I tried to use it in a sports sense the other day, and it was like, oh, that word, if you say that word, I think people go, oh. When I get married I'm gonna be called the not pedophile the bride of the not pedophile groomsmen men not boys groomsmen

that's funny that was great yeah I don't know that's fucking wild all I know is that they are two people that are historically tough to work with and obnoxious. So it's kind of like, ha, ha. I don't know about Ari's feeling. I don't know about Tiffany. Kat Williams fucking murdered Tiffany Haddish.

Ever hear? Really? He was on a radio show once being like. He is so good. I think somebody said Tiffany had it. Somebody must have compared or said that Tiffany Haddish made more money or has more success than Cat Williams or something like that. And he was like, talk to me when you've done it for 10, 15, 20 years.

She popped. She got hot. She's been in some movies that were surrounded by. Someone was like, well, what about Girls Trip? That was really funny. And he was like, Girls Trip was really funny. Well, she was surrounded by four other like very successful and funny. Like just fucking for the jugular.

And he wasn't doing like the Kathleen's voice. He was just like talking and it was like, whoa, you do not like her and you are not afraid to say it. Dude. He, I'm surprised that he's not in the conversation more with like some of the all time top.

He is so fun. And he like, look at this face. You don't like it. I like this first, like one or two i mean same thing i started the thread on him as it went watch what you're saying with that haircut pal he's definitely one of the most like prolific and successful right like yeah he's one of those like arena guys right yeah he had the bad luck of early internet days. Or early internet days for us.

Probably 2013. Oh, yeah. He had a bad run of just bad luck where he was like, I don't know if he was on drugs or if he was drunk, but he was like, I remember he was found wandering a Target. And then remember a 16-year-old kid knocked him out? Beat him in soccer or something? Didn't something happen like that?

Yeah, yeah. Ryan, was there a soccer video it was like some young like young kid like punched him and it was like that image in a lot of people's minds that's like the Howard Dean yeah just after that you're like remember when that was something that could get you fucking end a campaign that is one of the crazier things

but it is that's like a sign of the times and how crazy things like were or have gotten. But also, there's just some truth to that where it's like, all right, that guy over there is like a sleazeball with women and money and a dirtbag politician. But that guy's weird. That guy's a dork or whatever. You know, like, dude, like, I don't want him to, like, raise my kids. He got the entire country to get the ick. Yeah, the ick.

The entire country got the ick. I'm not calling you back. You can't be the president. We disavow that word. The way the girls use it is ridiculous. What do you mean? Everything's the ick now.

They have rebranded fucking someone and then realizing you don't actually like them. Yeah. Like, yeah, I've been doing that for years. A million times in my life. Guess what? All of her friends call me an asshole. And I was like, I don't know what happened.

We just fucked. And now I don't really think she's that attractive anymore. Well, dude, the ick strikes fear in your eyes because you're like, I can't be myself. What if I scratch my head wrong? And then I hit you with the ick strikes fear in your eyes because you're like, I can't be myself. What if I scratch my head wrong and then I hit you with the ick? It's like, wait, why am I the ick? And you're not a judgmental biatch. Exactly. You know?

But it's like the old Tom Brady skit on SNL where it's like, are you hot or not? You know? It's like, yeah, you know, Ian does something weird with his mustache. I don't like that. But if he was super fucking hot and he poured an ugly bag of shit, I wouldn't call it the ick. You know what I mean? It's like you just pick.

It's the same thing with like a guy can be you're an asshole if you're kind of like ugly or you're like a cool guy with game. You know what I mean? If you're hot. But that's like the most superficial thing in the zeitgeist right now. And I do love when it's a girl who's like, listen, if you just fuck guys and kick them to the curb, whatever,

people do that. But when you're like, I need a boyfriend, I need a husband, and then you dump the guy because he ties his shoes wrong. Well, guess what, bitch? You're going to be alone then. I use it as an example because I'm like, tying his shoes wrong is weird. If you do bunny ears, that's why I said it though because it's like know, if you do, if you do bunny ears,

if you do bunny ears, that's why I said it though. Cause it's like, you have every right. If you do bunny ears, I'm kicking you to the curb. You don't want to turn around and be like, I want to have a husband.

Who's tying their shoes. I'm slipping them on and off all the time. I mean, bro, it was a solid pause. We're really, wait, what is that?

Did you not know how to? No, like, who is it? Can you teach me? I'm going to come out of the closet right now with a shoe tie. Really? I tie my shoes every morning. Every time? No, I'm with you until they untie.

Yeah, every once in a while. But you, really? Basically. And you untie them to take them off? in a while, but you really. Basically, I love this. And you untie him to take him off. Yeah, because I wear like. Do you also wear Oshkosh bagosh and draw a turkey outline

on your hand for Thanksgiving, you child? How old are you? This is John C. Oh, fuck. All right, let's wrap up. This was fucking awesome. This was an awesome time. Thank you guys.

You guys are the fucking best. That was a really fun podcast. Yeah, man, this was great. Do you guys want to plug anything? Yeah, sure. KFC Radio is the podcast. We actually just started going three days a week instead of two. Hey, congrats.

So you can catch that Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. And we have a few live podcast dates in October and November coming up everywhere from New York and D.C. out to Phoenix, Denver, and L.A. We got merch on sale. We've got everything. At KFC Radio is the social, and you get all the links from there. Yes, I love that. iAnimal69, Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram.

Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. Dude, I am all over the road. You got to come see me. Cap City Awesome with Dave Attell. Stand Up Live Arizona with Shane Gillis. And then I'm headlining Stand Up Live Arizona, October 2nd. San Jose Improv, October 5th. Brea Improv October 6th

and then I'm doing a week at Cellar Vegas and then Pittsburgh Improv Punchline God damn it's the year

Ian made it we'll do like one show a month I'm beat I don't want to do this anymore well it's called running from yourself awesome thanks a ton guys thank you man yeah weee well it's called running from yourself awesome

thanks a ton guys thank you man yeah weee it doesn't matter it doesn't matter what you say anymore