Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian w Jordan Ep. 11 w Nick Mullen "Bee King"

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Ian and Jordan have Nick Mullen on to talk about Roller coaster mishaps, Trypophobia , and bees!   For more wackiness, please sub to the Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod Follow Jordan Jensen at @jordanjensenlolstop Nick can be found @nycguidovoice Ian is @ianimal69 on Twitter and IG

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know, he means giving it, not getting it. Okay, thanks.

Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, an Ian. Be an Ian. With Jordan. Okay, welcome to the Ian Finance Show.

As I was saying, I'm completely sane. Just three sane people hanging out in the basement. I've never experienced any kind of... I've never experienced any adversity or anything. I've been losing my goddamn mind. I feel like this period I'm having has been ramping up. You think if you have more sex... Have you ever gotten fucked into your period? What?

Yeah, that's the best. That's such a dumb question. No, it's not. I'm free to get dumb. Have you ever like loosened shit up to a point? Yeah, that happens all the time. You can feel your period coming on and someone can fuck you. Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, that's good. That feels good. But isn't that like a regular thing? No. It's more like you have cramps and you're like, truly if you stick your dick in me, it will massage my uterus and then the blood happens. Right, but that's what I mean.

That's like, have you ever had lunch when you were hungry? Right, right, right, right. Yes, yes, yes. Maybe it's not such a stupid question as I thought, but... Thank you for admitting that. I'm sorry. I'm entering my apology era. I appreciate that.

That's great. Have you ever, though, felt your period coming on, and you fuck, and you don't get it until normal? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Do you think anyone does that with diarrhea? Like a guy that's like, fuck my ass. I had too much Indian food this week.

Or I'm constipated. Fuck the shit out of me. Talk to people that are on opiates because that constipates you. Yeah. When I had surgery, I had to take those oxys, and I was so backed up. So then I would just take diuretics and oxys over and over. Well, that's the worst, being sober.

And the second you go into the hospital, or for surgery, you've got to go, I'm a recovering drug addict, I'm an alcoholic, I cannot have pain medication. And then they just give you Tylenol for massive amounts of pain. You're like, it's not working. I have endometriosis. And you're just regretting abusing Oxycontin for years. You can't take it and get out of pain for five minutes. They want to give me painkillers because I have endometriosis,

but I won't take it, so I just have to take the biggest Tylenol and then ibuprofen over and over and over. Yeah. But somebody that we know had a cure for endometriosis. Oh. Yeah. A friend of mine was working on that. But we won't talk about it because it's top secret.

But that's what I want to find out about. You know somebody that's like a medical scientist? Yeah. It's not a holistic thing. They work in the pharmacy. No, like legitimately working. And she was like really drunk one night with me and Ian and was like, I have a cure.

I have a cure. People are still just people. So even if they have a PhD and they work at a pharmaceutical, it's like, what's the difference between that and like somebody's redneck uncle that's like, shit, I'll fucking build you a fucking, I can build you a tree house right now. Yeah. You know, and then they do it and then it kills every child in the neighborhood just drunk like you know i could

cure everybody's a drunk idiot the carnivals i used to be a carny and put together the rides that you go on and you're like well somebody thought about it when they ratcheted this shit on and i was blackout being like it's good you know i accidentally clicked on on twitter there was a video of like uh i don't know why i do this it's like it's like kind of it's good. I accidentally clicked on it on Twitter. There was a video of like, and I don't know why I do this. It's like, it's like kind of, it's like the same, like watching gore videos is the same thing as like when you like,

sometimes you'll like smell a sock. Yeah. Or you'll have like a weird, you put your hand in your armpit and you're like, damn, I smell bad today. Let me see how bad it is. Yeah. But there was a Twitter video that was like,

boy dies at amusement park. Oh, what about the guy with no legs flew off the Superman? Well, that's what this one. It was like a ride that lifts up and then drops. And it drives. I saw that. And you see the kid just fucking come out of the chair completely and just bam, just fucking thwack against the ground.

And then there's a split second where people don't realize what's going on and then the screams start and it's haunting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's haunting. I'm ready to die a little bit, though. There's a part of me when I get on a roller coaster that I'm like welcoming it. That's how I feel about the motorcycle.

I want to die on the teacups. I want to find a way to die. Oh, yeah, the tilt-a-hurl. Tilt-a-hurl? Oh, yeah, just like the kiddiest ride. Yeah, yeah. What about those little swings that go around? Those are for the kids.

Yeah. They're just like, God. I always wanted to have like just diarrhea on one of those. Just have it spray. Yeah, just the whole park. Just get the whole, just like spin. Like those toys where you squirt paint on it. Yeah, just a sprinkler out of your ass hitting the spot, coming back around.

Just pull my pants down and shit just all over the park and be like, sorry. Wow. Sorry. That would be a really good jackass sketch. Well, that's what, Hey, I'm jackass.

And this is shit all over everyone's face at six. Shitting all over a family of five. Yeah. And we should do a page fan where we get the jackass tattoo with the crutches. Oh, we raise money for that. Please just say it.

I've been looking for an excuse. Somebody, one of my buddies just shit all over the shower. He was like, I shit all over the shower. I sprayed shit. I was at JFO. That happened to me the day I graduated college. I got my degree and I was drunk and I was in

the bathroom and I was like, man, whole life ahead of me. And I thought I was going to fart. I lifted my leg and I shit and I was like, how does that happen? Not good. That's never happened to you. No. You? No.

No, I've never shit myself. Yeah, right. I mean, no, I'm telling you. It's true. Never in your life. Not as an adult. No. Never an accident.

Never a shart. Never an oopsie. I don't even know how a shart happens. Skid mark I get, but a shart. Well, you have to keep in mind, it might happen now, but I've been consuming just massive quantities of protein powder for the last, like, my entire adult life. So loose stools are once in a fucking blue moon ever. What do you have?

I shit once a week, and it's like a brick. Wouldn't it be great? Is it just like a chalk eraser? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, yeah. Wouldn't it be great that Nick Mullen... It's like someone's cleaning a classroom. The Nick Mullen

come down Adam Friedland show exclusive where you finally shit yourself. I've been vegan for like six weeks now, so...

Is it good? I have no fucking idea. I'm like dizzy all the time, so I think I gotta go get my blood drawn and make sure I'm not killing myself with vegetables.

But... Is any of this real or are you just a massive hypochondriac? What do you mean? Like when you go to the doctor, like you said you were in the hospital. I don't go to the doctor. You said you went to the hospital.

Sure. Were they like, this is a legitimate problem, you need to get checked out? I do have high blood. Or is it kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy? No. I mean, I do have high blood pressure. I don't think that, you know, I think my heart's like relatively fine. I think I just did too much cocaine a couple of times.

You said cardiophobia a little bit i think so but i mean it's kind of like i think it's a larger health anxiety thing but many comics have cardiophobia i know so many who are like i think my heart is gonna stop i think my heart is gonna yeah that was mostly a function of just doing too many drugs last year and then um after having it happen like having a scare while doing cocaine, it's like, okay, well, I'm just, it's honestly, I'm glad that it happened because now it's like, well, I'm just never, I can never do cocaine.

Yeah. You know, it's like a scared straight sort of thing. And then, I mean, I did go to, like I just to be safe, it's like I went to a cardiologist and I got a stress test and an echo and they're like, yeah. Did they have you run?

Yeah, they have you run. Oh, wow. And they're like, yeah, you're fine um but i do have high blood pressure you're a bitch you know what my baby is medically diagnosed i'm scared i have ocd that i'm gonna die in my sleep yeah that i'm gonna choke somehow and die so i have to drink like a gallon of water before bed which is a nightmare every night it's like stressful and everybody was like that's ocd let it go and then my dad died in his sleep and i was like this that's OCD. Let it go. And then my dad died in his sleep. And I was like,

this is a real thing that happens. Yeah. So now I have it. Now it'll never stop. I don't know specifically how he died. Yeah. But people were like, you don't die in your sleep.

And now I'm like, you know what it is? I'm not even scared that I'm going to die. I'm scared that I'm going to die. Not now I'm dead. And then good things will happen to me, but they'll just be because I'm dead. Yeah.

And I won't be able to celebrate them because I'll think that I'm dead so then I just chug the water. No, you'll probably just get caught and like, I feel like death is good. You ever see the movie Jacob's Ladder? No. Great movie. Your video guy knows it. This man's cultured. He's the only real artist in the room.

How does it feel to be in a room with fucking psychopaths? Do you feel safe down here? In this bunker? I feel safe. I just don't want to die and then have Do you feel safe down here in this bunker? Yeah, I feel safe. I just don't want to die and then have, you know, what if somebody's like, hey, you got all these great comedy things, and I'm like, it's because I didn't drink that water, and I died in my sleep, and I'm really in heaven,

and da-da-da-da-da, so I just drink the water. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You think you're going to die, and then someone's going to think good things are going to happen. And I won't be able to be happy about it because, okay, say I take a pill before bed, right? I'm worried I'm going to choke on the pill, die. And then in heaven, good things will happen.

What really I think has happened is the next day, if somebody's like, hey, you got this big comedy thing or this whatever good thing happened, that I won't be able to celebrate it because I'll be like, oh, this is really because I didn't drink the water last night, so I'm actually dead. But you're in heaven finding this out. Yeah. But that's just a reflection of your normal waking life and your inability to actually connect with any of the good things that you already have in any kind of way where you experience joy. So you worry like, oh, what if I couldn't enjoy all of these things that I have because they're not real?

And then you fictionalize other good things that are happening in this death world. Meanwhile, it's like you have a good life. I have a great life. I am an exceptionally lucky person. And then I don't enjoy things. And then that's just really depressing. It's like, why can't I should be happy? Because you're worried it's going to be taken away as soon as we celebrate.

I'm not worried about it getting taken away. It's like, because I wouldn't honestly, I mean, I guess I would care in the long run, but I would be fine. It's just like, it's more, it's like when your dick doesn't work and you're like, come on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, I could be fucking right now. And that's how I feel about everything in my life. It's like, I could be enjoying all this shit and I'm not I feel about like everything in my life. You know, it's like I could be.

You could be fucking. I could be enjoying all this shit and I'm not. And then I'm mad that I'm not. It's not that it's like. But that's like the clown joke where the clown is like goes into the doctor and he's like, I'm depressed all the time. I don't know what to do. I fucking.

You need to go see. And he's like, you need to go see so and so the clown. And he's like, I am so and so the clown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in your idea of death and finding out these good things you're finding it out in heaven is heaven not the ultimate good place so that

if you were in heaven you wouldn't have the capacity to feel regret you wouldn't feel upset you wouldn't feel left out you would just feel nothing but total unadulterated joy 100% of the time I'm not worried that it's a good place. I'm worried that it's just death. Like it's just

a different, it's the same place. Like a dream. You should watch Jacob's Ladder. Really? Yeah. Wrist cutters I just watched which has a similar thing where they die and it's just a shittier earth. But that's not heaven then. Heaven is complete. It's not heaven. It's just death. Right. It's a delusion. It's OCD.

It's not heaven. Because heaven I used. Right. It's a delusion. It's OCD. It's not heaven. Because heaven, I used to think that heaven was everyone that was in your life that died is upstairs in heaven watching you nonstop and then getting mad at you for what you're doing, being embarrassed, hating you, like judging you. And I ended up like realizing. You ever see Defending Your Life? What's that? You ever see Defending Your Life? No. that? You ever see Defending Your Life? No.

Another good one. What is it? Albert Brooks movie. Oh, I love Albert Brooks. Well, then I learned that there's no judgment in heaven. There's no hatred. There's no embarrassment. You should make the name of this podcast,

Know What's That? And you bring people on. No, what is that? No, what's that? Nick and producer Jordy flirt. We're not flirting. We've seen the same movies. No, we're not flirting.

We're just flirting. Any two men interacting, you're like, yeah, these guys are like me. Yep. These guys are gay like me. Yep. Yep. Flirting. Yeah.

Yeah, everyone's gay. Yeah, it's normal And we're all gay Speaking of gay Monkeypox So what's with the Ghostbusters theme It's just like 80s stuff Yeah I mean I love Ghostbusters

You got a little bit of Ghostbusters You got a little bit of Chinese restaurant Got this in Ohio It's good It is good. Yeah. It is good. I don't like Chinese garb,

but I like that one. And I got a little Buddha guy. I don't like the Buddha guy. He's eating and drinking and being happy. See the material he's made out of? What is that, Nick? It's like chocolate. It's wood.

No, it's not. It's like composite. It seems to be MDF. It looks like it's Uyghur guts. It's the bones of U. It looks like it's Uyghur guts. It's the bones of Uyghurs. It's Uyghur children. No, this is something that's not wood, and whatever it is, I have a problem with it.

Well, there's grain on the bottom. I know, but look at the Buddha. You can't besmirch Buddha. What are you doing? He's great. It says made in China. That's a Tibetan Buddha. What if it was Buddha but not made in China? China doesn't even like Tibet.

Well, what we could do is smash it with a hammer and see if it shatters. It would shatter. It wouldn't splinter. Smash it. Let's smash it, Ian. Also, just chip off his... Let's get something to smash this way. Bring over Ian's

father's urn. Jordy, Jordy, edit that. Also, what is this thing? Smashing it with a hammer. This thing is really

satisfying. Oh, my mom got me that. It's a Ghostbusters Christmas ornament. But what part of the Ghostbusters is that? It's a proton pack.

Is that their backpack? It feels good. Someone said they're building me a proton pack. Isn't that backpack? It feels good. Someone said they're building me a proton pack. Isn't that a nice little unit? I'm putting it somewhere nice. Now, do people recognize this? Yeah. You pull this out of

fucking Starbucks looking for your wallet and someone's like, ooh, is that a proton pack? You're the most popular guy in Starbucks. Ooh, wow. It's like the Harry Potter tattoo thing. I mean, I've seen Ghostbusters and I wouldn't recognize that ever. No way. Well, yeah, but you'd fucking relate everything to Jacob Ladder. It's the backpack from... mean, I've seen Ghostbusters and I wouldn't recognize that ever. Well, yeah, but you'd fucking relate everything to Jacob's Ladder. Yeah, I would.

Maybe if it was Ghostbusters. That's my Ghostbusters is Jacob's Ladder. I got what is Jacob's Ladder? Is it the most like horrific, sad, nihilistic horror movie? Yes, basically.

It used to be my favorite kind of scary movie Bad, nihilistic. Horror movie? Yes, basically. Really? Yeah, it used to be my favorite kind of scary movie because you would watch it, and it would just bum you the fuck out for like a month. So it is a horror movie, or is it just... It's a horror movie, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's this guy who's like,

he's a mailman in Brooklyn, and he's having these weird hallucinations, and it's not clear what his life is, whether he's with his wife or this new girlfriend. And it keeps cutting in and out. And then he has this fever. And he's seeing all these monsters. And he's not sure if he's awake or alive. And he's a Vietnam veteran.

And he keeps having these weird flashbacks to an experiment in Vietnam. And then his son that passed away, and he can't tell if his son's, like, alive or not. And then, yeah, it's just this movie that keeps, like, throwing you back and forth in this idea, this guy in this, like, fever dream as to whether he's, like, living or dead. So it's a being John Malkovich of horror. Well, what makes it a scary movie is that the, like,

just unending nausea of, like, trying to figure out this question of, like, whether or not he's alive or dead is, like, just this sort of, like, permanent torture. It's, uh... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's in it? Tim Robbins. There's a remake, also. With a black guy. Did you see the remake?

Not good. Not good? Yeah. What's it called? The George Floyd story. It's Tim remake? Not good. Not good. Yeah. What's it called? The George Floyd story. Tim Robbins rules. Yeah. George's neck.

George's windpipe is the name of the black guy. Climbed it like a ladder. Makes sense. Really good cover. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. How old were you when you saw that?

I mean, the first time I saw it, I was a teenager, and it kind of stuck with me, and then I watched it numerous times throughout my 20s. But the last time I watched it, it didn't work on me for whatever reason. It used to just really bum me out. Like when Cartman can no longer laugh? Do you think your bum-out meter just exploded? No, I've just seen the movie too many times.

You're talking about you're now think your, like, bum-out meter just exploded? No, I've just seen the movie too many times, you know. You were talking about your now in your apology era, and you seem to be more... I'm glad that other people are doing this. Like, I thought it was just... I think we all just have, like, just severe mitochondrial damage from COVID. Because we were talking about people are having, like, panic attacks, but you're misspeaking a lot.

Like, I've been misspeaking lately. Oh, Phil Hanley the other day was geeking out because he has long haul. I have long term COVID. He has long term COVID. Long haul COVID? Whatever. And he was like, I'm trying to take medication to deal with the fogging. Everybody is fucked up. I had the

fog for a while on stage. I was drawing a blank in conversation. I'd be talking. It felt like someone shook up my Etch-a-Sketch. Yeah, I got COVID twice and after the second time, it's like now I have this quote-unquote health anxiety or whatever. I keep doing it with...

My thing is, this is what's nice about being just like a spiteful piece of shit is like, I'm like, I'm dying and then as long as like, well, is everyone else dying? And it's like, yeah, then I'm like, great. Let it roll. I feel the same way. If I was in Auschwitz, I'd as like, well, is everyone else dying? And it's like, yeah, then I'm like, great. Let it roll. I feel the same way. If I was in Auschwitz,

I'd be like, well, at least they're killing all these fucking Jews too. I mean, if it was just me, I'd be upset, but there's six million of us. Everybody has anxiety

and I don't think it's definitely manifesting in a lot of people as health concerns. I have none of that. I don't care about any of that. I'm like ready to die. No, but you're like worried.

You say you drink, you have to drink all this water so you don't choke on a Tylenol. Yeah, but that's like delusion. Yeah, but that is health anxiety. About dying? Yeah. A healthy person rests their head on the pillow at night and they say, thank God for my life and the people I love. No, I rest my head and it's like that for hours.

And then maybe at 5 a.m. I'm lucky. I don't have that shit. Like when I go to bed, my thoughts are like fucking like, you know, it's bullshit. It's like maybe I should rewatch The Phantom Menace. Like that's it. It's just nonsense. Wow.

Yeah, but it's nonsense, but it's moving rapidly. That's my thing where I'll be like, try and witness the thoughts like meditation. It's like counting down helps me. And's my thing. Where I'll be like, try and witness the thoughts. Like meditation. It's like. Counting down helps me. And with my breath. Like. Listening to Sam Harris helps me a lot. He has a meditative voice.

Or Anthony Huberman. More Huberman shit. Listening to people be like, this is how you're going to become a superhuman tomorrow. But the way you go to sleep is how I wake up sometimes. Of just massive racing thoughts and anxiety. Like, wake up like that. In the morning, I almost feel, like, euphoric. Like, I'm in and out of sleep, and I have till 2 p.m. to just fuck around in bed. See, I wish I had that.

I wake up at 6 a.m., and I'm like, let's go. But I feel good in the morning. Like, I get shit done, and it's like, I'll work out, or I'll go ride. Take naps. I have to because my sleep is—I started waking up early a couple years ago and but I was also going to bed at like 930 and then now it's like especially out doing

stand up again I'll be up late but no matter what I wake up at 6am everyday like no alarm I'm just up don't you feel hung over all day like no I mean do you ever wake up and thank God for your gorgeous hairline? No.

Do you realize how good your hairline is? I have a good hairline. It is incredible. Does your dad have a good hairline? Yeah. My dad didn't really go bald. His hair is 70 years old, so it's thinner. But he's not bald.

Just fucking slicking it back. Just let it rock. God. We can set you up so it feels like his head is going to hit him. What a jealous Jerry I am. Yeah, you can grow your hair back. Delicious hairline. You can fix anything.

I've thought about that. There's nothing that can't be fixed by just eating vegetables. Is that the answer? By switching to an ethical, vegan, plant-based diet. You can get a whole scalp transplant. There are people doing that now. I know. I can't.

I have tryptophobia, where if you see a lot of holes, it like... Oh, yeah. A lot of people have that. Yeah. I feel like that was just memed into existence like six years ago. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's always like... Sponges?

No, sponges are all right. See, this is what I mean. There's all these examples of things That like tryptophobia people Have been confronted with their entire life They're exactly that There's 100% that And then 6 years ago people were like

Did you know about this weird phobia? I'm not saying it's a weird phobia I'm saying that Seeing Swiss cheese Does Swiss cheese scare you? It's different The plants with the

It's different Looking at a guy's head with thousands of none of us love that. It's a picture of surgery. If you type in tryptophobia into Google, the images just it's like... Yeah, us too. Everybody

doesn't like it. So then we all have tryptophobia. And we're all gay. Alright, I'm looking it up. That's what we are. Look it up. It'll creep you out. Look up how many people have tryptophobia. And we're all gay. Alright, I'm looking it up. That's what we are. Look it up. It'll creep you out. Look up how many people have tryptophobia. I'm telling you. And it's different

with sponges. What do you mean you got it? Do you like this plant? You don't like that? No. See, it's weird because I kind of I love honeycombs. Yeah, they're pretty. Like the dream of... If I could be a little bee...

If that was full of honey, that would... If I could live... I love everything about bees. I love their culture. I love the... At some point, I will have... I'll be a beekeeper. But if I could...

You're already dressing the part. If I could live... You could do that in that studio. If I could live in a fucking beehive and work in a beehive and just like... That would be incredible. I make honey and like, know just be a bee which that would be perfect. I love them. I love bees. You know what would be great?

I do dude. I honestly I mean it. I love bees. It's the cutest thing I've ever heard. If I could just be a bee. What do you love about them? They're kind of like the perfect little organism. They're great. Yeah. They worship a woman. They protect the queen. They're all women.

Actually, they don't. They kind of have a misogynistic society. The queen is a sex slave. And, you know, worker bees. She likes it. The worker bees are all women. The drones? The drones just fuck the queen.

But the worker bees, like the ones that do everything, those are all like castrated. They're like spayed women basically so to turn like a female bee into the queen it has to be fed like royal jelly and that's how they get like a new queen so there's like a certain the queen lays a bunch of eggs and there's like a fucking certain amount that are candidates to be the replacement queen and then there's one they select and it's fed royal jelly and that becomes a new queen but then the rest of them just become worker bees like female worker bees and then they they'll they select and it's fed royal jelly and that becomes the new queen but then the rest of them just become worker bees

like female worker bees and then they they'll have a couple of them that are drones and their job is to just fuck the queen like you know constantly so that's your job if you're a male bee it's just get it it's just getting your dick sucked you know by the queen of the hive you do nothing

you do nothing what she the royal jelly makes her yeah it makes Yeah it makes the baby bee Turn into a queen It makes her ass grow a fucking bee Really? Where does the royal jelly come from? It's like IGF milk Like why all the young girls Now have huge tits

It's because they put royal jelly in the milk Trying to become queen bees Where does the royal jelly come from? Who makes it? I think it's just, you know, it's like everything else in bee society. It's either cum or spit. The Mighty Mighty Boss Homes make royal oil. There was like at a supermarket.

I forgot this was a Ska themed podcast. I don't like Ska that much. Nobody likes Ska. A lot of people do. Okay. A lot of people do. Everybody's gay. Everybody loves S much. Nobody likes ska. A lot of people do. Okay. A lot of people do. Everybody's gay. Everybody loves ska.

Everybody hates holes. One in six people has tryptophobia. And do you guys think, what's that shit that tastes like soap? You know what's crazy? One in six. That number will, for the rest of my life, always remind me of your odds of winning a free Sprite when you take the cap of Sprite off. Because that was what the odds were when I was a kid. Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's how I learned odds. Some kid lied and said his dad won a Ferrari from the McDonald's thing. And we're like, can we see it? He's like, no, he said he can't drive it. Yeah, kids would always lie about that. I remember a kid telling me he won the lottery. And he's like, yeah, I won $100 million. You remember those kids that were just liars?

Those kids would freak me out i couldn't touch them i mean i did have ocd as a kid but if the liars would touch me i was always worried i would become a liar yeah i remember one time i made like a like a kazoo thing out of paper and i wrote my name on it and this girl just crossed out and wrote her name and she was like it was mine yeah and the teachers were like it's hers her name's on it and i was, my name is under that scratched mark. And they were like, it fucked me up. The idea that somebody could just be like, this is the truth now. And I was like, who are you?

It really, there was one time a girl at basketball camp, she goes, I was like, can I have a sip of your water? And she's like, no. And I was like, but you have a whole Nalgene. And she goes, if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't give you a dollar because then I wouldn't be a millionaire. And it like tripped me out. Like I was like, oh, evil people exist. I'm just picturing you in overalls as a child having these insane existential. I was.

I was a hick child. And we grew up on a farm that we called a farm that had no animals. But we called it a farm because it was in a barn. You're just barefoot in overalls and hay with a trough for cows with no cows. I was the wood stove girl. Do you remember the people who smell like wood stoves when they came into school? No. No.

Oh, I was that girl. People were like, you smell like you're. I grew up in like a suburban house. Yeah. No one's rolling around in the woods. You smell like you're on fire. I had dog hair on me and I smelled like a wood stove. Yeah, they called me the billows girl. You know how there are people that Dude, I swear to God, it's a real thing.

You know how you're all chimney sweeps at four? You know how every town they've got the peat bog girl whose job it is to I was the bog man. You guys had the bog man. Yeah, it's a real thing. It's like hick to the point where you need a wood stove, so then you smell like fire all the time, and it smells. It's like a burning thing. Were you bullied?

Yeah. For smelling like stove? That's a good smell. Here comes stove face. Yeah. It's a strong smell, and any strong smell is. I was a volunteer firefighter, and I loved smelling like smoke. Oh, God.

I loved coming home. Just young, closeted Ian. Haven't you gone to a bonfire, and the next day you smell... Just down the pole. Right, yeah. Just going to the firehouse, trying to make himself as much like a Tom of Finland cartoon as he can. No, I'm straight. I just love fighting fires.

You know you can't fight a fire in leather? I got a fire inside my body that I've been trying to put out since puberty. You guys want to work on the truck together? It was awesome. Was it awesome? Being a volunteer firefighter. You saved a lot of dogs? No, I was a junior firefighter, so you could only fight the fires from the exterior.

And then we cleaned everything up afterwards. But I could fight field fires car fires once at 2 a.m i was driving home i heard the siren i went it was me and two other guys that showed up and they let me put out the car fire you ever see the movie frequency no what's that yeah jordan that's what that's when he's not gonna nod at and be like yes frequency backdraft backdraft i was gonna bring up Backdraft because Backdraft, I remember being like the superior firefighter movie. Not that Frequency is really a firefighter movie per se, but I mean, it's firefighting

features heavily in the movie. And I remember thinking like, you know, I would watch Frequency and it would always be like kind of shitty. I'm like, oh, I wanted to watch Backdraft. Backdraft was good. I watched it recently and Backdraft does not hold up. It doesn't hold up? No.

It's not good. Oh, wow. Interesting. Why is it like real cheesy dialogue? It's just boring. It's just fucking slow. It doesn't move at the pace I remember. We should have a movie club.

Yeah. God, you are gay. What do you say? Look at that hand. He's doing it as a joke, but it's somehow even gayer than who I am. Can you hand me that orange pillow so I can hold on to it? Yeah. I thought you were going to say to put it over my face.

That'd be so fun to have a movie night. Yeah. We might have movie nights in the new Adam Friedland studio. Yeah? Yeah. What, sleepovers? No. We got a bunch of space.

I'll put a big projector up and we can fucking get people in there. Oh, to like hang out. Do screenings. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, that'd be fun. Sleepovers would be good. Nah. I have a big house with a big living room and dining room and I never have human beings. That's right. You live in one of those doll houses down there. Yeah. That's awesome. Did you think

as an adult there would be more dinner parties? Growing up, my mom's always had lesbian potlucks where you'd put on a name tag and it would say if you were single. Adam's friends before he got in with the wrong crowd, they were all dinner party people. In the better times? I don't know if he wants me to tell you.

He didn't go to NYU. But I don't know if I'll ask him. We can maybe edit it out if he doesn't want the story told, but he had these friends, he showed me the email that invited him to, and this was like a decade ago, but they would have, they had a potluck dinner one night that was a rape culture potluck. What? Where we could sit around and they, you know, they invited everybody to sit around and talk

about rape culture and white privilege. Shut up. And they sent an email out, like a group. And Adam went? No, he didn't. I mean, Adam just laughed at it and showed me the email. But, you know, I mean, they were his friends. I would pay so much money to go to that and show up and be like,

I love, I thought I was coming here to get raped. Yeah. I want to get raped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I brought my own handcuffs. I thought somebody was going to rape me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, like, really, it's be like, hey,

these are my garlic mashed potatoes that I brought. And, yeah, when. But I mean, like, really, it's be like, hey, these are my garlic mashed potatoes that I brought. And yeah, when... Let's talk about consent. Sometimes I want to touch women on the train, and I know that's wrong now. You're showing up to admit that you want to be a raper? Well, isn't that what you do? Whoa, I didn't read the whole email. Isn't that what a rape culture conversation is supposed to be?

Like, you're showing accountability? Well, they have those racial dinners where white women get paid thousands and thousands upon thousands of dollars to tell other women how they're racist, and you go around the room. There was that one. There was that thing. It was like the pinhead or the safety pin box or something.

It was like some kind of subscription thing. The pinhead? Yeah, it was like some black of subscription thing. Some like... Pinhead? Yeah, it was like some black lady put together where it's like, you pay me $25, and I'll send you a box that tells your ass how to not be racist. And there was a bunch of like... Listen up, y'all pinheads.

Yeah. It was like during the... Maybe it was a couple years prior, but... Yeah, I mean, you really had to be a really dizzy type of upper middle class white lady to get like conned into they really they got fleeced no during the pandemic i remember seeing on the trains how to not be a racist yeah on so many i was in school grad school at the beginning of the pandemic and they were giving us books how to not be racist how to grad school to be a

therapist for a semester really why'd Yeah. Why'd you drop out? Because my manager was like, because you were like, What did you do? You got like an MSW? I was going for an MSW. I did a semester. Loved it.

Really liked it. Was that an internship? But then my manager at the time was like, you have to focus on comedy full time. And then the pandemic happened. It's hard to get in there because you need like a certain amount of fee for service hours before you can actually become a therapist.

You just have to work for free for years and doing the worst work the worst work for nothing I dated a social worker for years and it was crazy because I was doing comedy for nothing at the time and it would be like oh how did your day go

and I'm like yeah I wrote a racist article and then I got a slice of pizza and she's like how's your day and she's like yeah I wrote a racist article and yeah then I got a slice of pizza she's like how's your day and she's like ah one of my clients smashed her roommate's head through a fucking mirror and then slit her it was crazy and now I can't get these images out of my head

and you're like yeah I can't get these tags out of my head anyways you wanna watch Breaking Bad can you order dinner again cause I don't have any money that's how I got into cocaine because I was doing coke I didn't know you were a coke head before the pandemic

I was dating a coke dealer who had like the best coke in the entire world and then we stopped dating but he kept selling it to me for $30 a gram so I would do all this coke do go to school do stand up not sleep go to school, do stand-up, not sleep, go to school, do stand-up, go to the internship. What year was this?

Right after 2019? After JFO. I had no idea you were in grad school. And dating a coke dealer. Yeah. He's a great dude, but the coke, yeah, the Coke was so good. I mean, it was fucked up. It was the kind of Coke where you do it and the dips between bumps are like hell.

Where you're like, I will die. The back of my throat just felt so bad and so good at the same time. I lost so much weight. I look great. Yeah, I'll never do cocaine again. Me neither. It's the worst drug in the whole world. But I know that if I get, if I like lose sobriety again, the next time it's heroin.

That's the only one left. Yeah, you have to. Yeah. And that one you don't really- I had a dream I did heroin last night. You don't really come back from that one. I had a dream that I figured out there was a way to do heroin just through the skin. Like a fentanyl patch.

Fentanyl. Oh, wow. Fentanyl patch. And I was doing a small amount. You just steal them and suck them. Because there's that girl around the cellar who lurks around. That's the thing now with the cops with these viral videos where they'll be be like i touch fentanyl they'll pretend to die is that true yeah they'll all be like filming they're like 817 johnny like fucking touch a dollar bill that somebody

yeah and they'll just be sitting there like pissing and shitting themselves just like they're like i'm dying you know is that true is it staged to people, like is it a scared straight thing or is that legitimately what's happening? The police are that gay that they're like, I think that these cops are like, I am dying. But they're not real. They're not because that's not how it works either. Yeah. You can't just touch something and have a fennel overdose.

Yeah, even if it's the remnants of a $20 bill. I got a 20 from 7-Eleven the other night, and it was so rolled. Speaking of drugs, another movie recommendation, Dread. The Carl Urban Dread. Watch it. You haven't seen it? Pussy. Amazing.

Why? Fucking, it's just great. It's just a great fucking action movie. I mean, it's a ripoff of, what is it, The Raid? Wow, yeah. But it is, it's just great it's just a great fucking action movie I mean it's a rip off of what is it the raid but it is it's great yeah in the last decade my two favorite like

I guess it would be like broadly action movies that and Mad Max Fury Road you know what I say the last decade Dread probably came out 15 years ago was Dread Mad Max was so good no no it's uh it's an american movie yeah but yeah i saw nope nope was really good i liked no people hated it i loved it i actually had a panic attack in nope really full panic attack couldn't i was were you sweating

what happened i was dripping with sweat i had a cold brew and i got up this always happens in movies i was talking about this on countdown or on adam friedland show where i was edit that out sorry i was no seriously you get up and you go to the bathroom and my face was green and i was like i'm about to faint but it was because the movie was good well i have i have an anxious thing where i won't go see a movie on opening night in like a big area. I'm just afraid it's going to get shut up. I was dating a girl when Batman 3 came out. Yeah.

No, not Aurora. This was the movie after that one. Right. And you know what? Maybe it was. I don't know. But the point is we went to the movie theater and she was like, I'm worried something's going to happen. It's like, what do you mean? Oh, the shooting up thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's going to be another Batman. That's an internal worry. I'm not saying that to someone. I don't know if we can go here tonight. I just won't do it. Yeah, the only time that's ever happened in history was when they did World War II. But usually things don't repeat. There's no crime. There's not going to be another 9-11. What do you mean World War II?

No, we had two World Wars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the only time they've repeated. Do you think it was a movie? No, I just didn't know. No, you can't point to anything where they're like, oh, what about a copycat crime? It's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

When has there ever been a copycat crime? Yeah, you can't be worried about something happening again. You don't think that there are copycat killers? Never. You don't think that there are people... No, that's a different killer. That someone saw that and wants to mimic that in a way. No.

So you're saying that people... Show me... Name all of the homosexual fat clown serial killers that you can name. No, but there's not... There's one. There's one of them. I just want to start naming comics. That's Casey. That's one of them. There's only one. I just want to start naming comics.

That's Gacy. That's it. I was going through a roll of comics. Yeah, I know. We do. We do. Let's say it. I think there are, but it's not, yeah, there's not another John Wayne Gacy, but there was

probably another like Night Stalker that wasn't as famous that saw that and was like, oh yeah, maybe. Like copycat killers are a legitimate thing. Do you think... So you don't think people school shoot or get involved in mass murder for a form of celebrity because they saw other shooters get recognition?

No. You don't think that that exists? No, no, no. Do you? I don't have the research knowledge to know nobody does it right nobody does it act nobody actually they seek that fame they see the fame that someone else gets and they want to piggyback it's like all these people and comedy shows trying to climb up on stage because of the will smith slap it's like they're not nobody's walking on

stage and slapping people but Yeah, it's not to a T, but it's, I think it can influence people. This whole crowd work phenomenon is fucking audiences up. People trying to get crowd work clips is now, yeah. Some of them are so bad too. I like found like some low level comedian

and like the bad crowd work videos that people put up are so fucking funny dude it'll be a guy that's doing comedy like 7 months they'll be like anybody in a relationship this guy's definitely not

and that's it then the clip ends and it says watch again I saw one where this girl was like you eating a burger? alright I see you okay, you eating a burger? All right, I see you. Okay. What, you're not hungry? Yeah.

You guys married? Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. But it's making audiences. Comment here on what you see. The other day I was like, what's up with your dad or something like that? And this woman was like, he's a convicted rapist or something. And I was like, this is just because of crowd work shit that people think they're going to make the cut.

She was just being honest. You're like, you fucking lying bitch. I was. I got so mad at her. I got so mad. There was a guy the other day at Hilarities who was talking. And I was like, you think I'm going to put you on the internet because you're fucking talking. And I was like, shit, I might put you on the internet because I'm saying this.

Next show I do, I'm just going to go to the crowd and be like, man, what do you do for a living? And I'll be like, you have sex with dogs for money? And she'll be like, no, I said I'm a real estate agent. I'll be like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said you had sex with dogs for money? And she'd be like, no, I'm a I said I'm a real estate agent. I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said you had sex with dogs for money. And then that's the clip. Just put that online. You should. Yeah. And then the title is Woman Has Sex With Dogs For Money?

Question mark with the cry laughing emoji all over it. Eight of them. Yeah. Just filling the whole frame. Crying. With different cutouts of your face around it. Eight of them. Yeah. Just filling the whole frame. Just crying. All the life. Yeah, yeah. With different cutouts of your face around it.

Somehow I figure out a seven camera setup in that. So we're just cutting every word as a different angle. There's just an image of a dog getting fucked before the... They start taking your face off. There's a dog. There's a dog like looking over. You know. Oh, yeah. Are you? Yeah, I'm a crowd work comedian.

That's what I do now. I do crowd work. It's my crowd work is untouchable. My written material. That's dog shit. I can't put the dog shit. Huh? Yeah, fuck stand-up comedy, honestly.

Fuck it to death. Kill it. I was so happy when COVID happened. It was like, finally. Finally, somebody put this dog shit art form to sleep. And all it took was the Chinese.

Yeah. The people who were they did it because they don't like comedy. They don't like comedy. They don't like to laugh. They were like what if we make virus no more?

Oh you have the joke. I was about to quote a joke that you have where it's like that you were talking to somebody and you were like COVID they were like

oh we it's like being in a car crash you wear your seatbelt and you're like COVID, they were like, oh, it's like being in a car crash. You wear your seatbelt and you're like, oh, both are caused by Chinese. That's really good. Oh, thank you. Do you tell that? Only to Chinese people. I'll be like, hey, I heard you guys have no sense of humor. What do you think about this one? That's fucked up that I was

about to be like, some comic has a joke. Oh my God, this Chinese guy's not laughing quick. Somebody get him this lady's boyfriend to eat. Hey lady, after you fuck that dog, give it god this Chinese guy is not laughing quick somebody get him this lady's boyfriend to eat hey lady after you fuck that dog give it to the Chinese guy yeah tenderizes the meat the Chinese guys

they only like to eat dogs that have fucked white women because it loosens up their tendons it makes the dog relax before you Chinese guy

eats fucked dog yeah and it's him going oh it's his boyfriend to eat the dog relax before you... Chinese guy eats fucked dog? Yeah. And it's him going, oh? It's his boyfriend to eat. Oh. Oh. Oh.

God damn it. Well, this has been another episode of Beating Him with Jordan. I think that... I think that I think that do you have a lot of Chinese fans? You know, you got Asian guys that like the show.

Yeah, I had an Asian guy come out who liked me from What's that all about? Is that what Adam Duhamel was giving money to Chinese? I feel like most Asian people are chill. Like the only reason

I think it's okay to like I mean, it's not up to me, but like the only reason I personally feel comfortable like making Asian jokes is because they're Yeah, it's like Jewish jokes. They're white people. But yeah, I mean, it's not up to me, but like the only reason I personally feel comfortable like making Asian jokes is because they're. Yeah, they're white people. But yeah, I mean, same thing with Jews who lived in Chinatown. Jews, that doesn't excuse it.

I had to fucking live with the pieces of shit I deserve. There it is. That's why. No, you know, I'm getting attacked by the Hasidic Jews online. Yeah, but they're fucked. They're assholes. The Hasidic Jews online. Yeah, but they're assholes. The Hasidic women. For what?

I posted a Hasidic joke about catcalling Hasidic Jews that I'm addicted to doing it. And these Hasidic women are reposting it and writing all these words over it and being like, you're a monster. And I keep being like, are you allowed to have Instagram? It's crazy. Yeah, hey lady, maybe you should be focused on your cankles Rather than your bad

Yeah what's with the cankles It is very funny It's the only thing that shows and they are massive Yeah they all have cankles Just slap hogs I don't know why it's like that But they all have that Just pure white and just like yams

Right just rectangular legs What's with that They all just have these weird tube legs. It's the one part that shows. You can't work that out? Their legs look like a plastic cafeteria knife. Yeah. Put your legs above your head when you sleep or something. Drain the blood. What's going on? Yeah.

They need to do ankle binding. It is crazy. I see them in the Prospect Park walking and I'm like, what's... Maybe that's why they're walking. They're trying to lose the cankle weight. But why is it, is it the rest of them looks like cankles, or is it that that's the only part that's showing or seeing? I think it's because they never wear high heels at all, ever. I never wear high heels, and I got great ankles.

Yeah, but you, like, work a job or something. They don't work. They don't do anything. Oh, I, yeah, it's because they're, it's like when you're on a plane and it swells. That's what they're doing all the time. Maybe it's because they're always sitting in a Ford Windstar. Yeah. Maybe that's why.

Some sort of. Yeah, it's because their foot is always on the gas trying to hit me on my bike. Are they allowed to drive? No. No, the women are. I've told this story before, but I used to work at a car dealership and I worked with this Pakistani guy. And at the end of the day, his wife would come pick him up because they only had one

car. And his wife would come pick him up because they only had one car. His wife would come pick him up, but she would drive to the dealership and then have to get out and get in the backseat and then he'd drive home because she wasn't allowed to be in the front seat. So she would drive the car there so that he could drive home with her in the backseat. Yeah, they have all sorts of weird loopholes.

The Amish too. The Amish build houses for my mom and they have all sorts of mumbo jumbo. They like hire some slaves to pick them up. Amish. Full Amish too. The Amish build houses for my mom and they have all sorts of mumbo jumbo. They like hire some slave to pick them up. Amish. Full Amish. Bull cut. Suspenders. They speak with like the old English.

Oh, yeah. Way of speaking. Some of them are kind of hot. It's weird. Yeah. You know that the Amish that work in the Reading Terminal in Philly? Yeah. It's always weird making eye contact with them.

Are you afraid you're going to catch it? No, they just hold eye contact way too long. It's like they're looking at you through like... It's because you're used to the Hasids who don't make eye contact. The Hasids are like, I'm just proud of you for making eye contact. Well, they do it. It's almost like you're at the zoo, you know? Like looking at a gorilla. And you're at the zoo you know like looking at a gorilla and you're like do you know do you know do you can you that's what i was thinking about

i was watching love on a spectrum and i realized the thing about autistic people is it feels like they're so intelligent so they're doing this thing where they're like i'm a princess and he's my prince i love my dolls but you're, you know what you're doing. Yeah. And I was, me and Jake were laughing about it. And we were like, it's like they're going to break character and be like, all right. But seriously, China is about to be the new superpower. You know what I mean?

The craziest thing on that show, and I'm sure you guys, if you've brought it up, if you've talked about this show before. But the one autistic guy that's dating a girl with Down syndrome. And it's like, that's not. It's not okay. That's not okay. I have a joke about's like that's not it's not okay. I have a joke about the Down Syndrome model that it's not okay. It's like Make-A-Wish kid wanting anal. It's not. You can't do

it. It's fucked up. She has the mental capacity of an 8 year old. Yamuniko one night was going on a rant about how everyone was bigoted and ableist because no one would admit that they'd fuck a Down syndrome person. I was like, I think that's...

I don't think that's ableist. That was the... I think you're a good person if you wouldn't fuck a Down syndrome person. I mean, the whole thing just proves that regular people aren't much smarter than actual retarded people. Are you smarter than a retarded person? Yeah. Every time I think about Down syndrome, I think about telling you

the story about the Down Syndrome girl fixing my bra behind me without me knowing and me turning her on and you going, no thank you, necessary. Just a magical Down Syndrome girl. She was a helper elf. I think we should give them all jobs inside

one of those claw machines. Their job should be to drop them down and they have to grasp the stuffed animals to drop off in the prize bin. And the stuffed animals are them. Our little Down Syndrome people. Little stuffed Down Syndrome people.

If you got Down Syndrome and you see the poster for the Minions, you're like fine. That's representation. Not Sports Illustrated. It's more Minions. Yeah. If you got Down syndrome and you see the poster for the Minions, you're like, fine. That's representation. Not Sports Illustrated. It's more Minions movies. That's all they wanted. They could have had that. And he said, no, you got to dress them up.

There is one on Love on a Spectrum, and she does seem normal. I haven't seen all of the Sports Illustrated girl in the bathing suit pictures. She's wearing floaties, right? They got those on. Look, I'm not going to say it's wrong, but they need to be safe. They need to present a safe image of how that girl uses the pool. Make sure she's not in the deep end in the pictures. Three feet or less.

No, they just throw her in with her normal hot body and then her completely downsy face. It's insane. And you're like attracted to her and you're like, she has a beautiful... And then you get to the eyes

and it's like... Yeah. It's not... They should give her a little Ninja Turtles mask. Just the eyes. Leave the rest of the body. Where the holes are cut out

right next to each other. It's just one middle hole just some like yeah just some like you know like a romantic era like stage play about the Down syndrome with the mask like the eyes wide shut

with Down syndrome let me take off your mask and see your beauty dear Margaret she's like no I can't do it he's like, no, I can't do it. He's like, but I must gaze upon your beauty. No, you can't see me. For I will, I will, my father will be ever so displeased if you see my eyes before marriage.

You know, something like that. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I'm sick of it. There's one love on the spectrum where there's an autistic person, a Down syndrome girl, and she's regular. She has like a normal mental capacity. The Down syndrome girl? Yes.

I don't think she's regular, but you know what I do think she does? She's still a girl, so she'll play even dumber. She'll be like, I want this guy to like me, so I got to make him think I'm an idiot. But then she has Down syndrome. Yeah, he'll be like, do you know what a race car is? And she's like, no, what's a race car? And he's like, it's a car that goes fast. She's like, wow.

You know the one I'm talking about, right? You've seen that episode where he takes her to the arcade and he's like, watch this. And then he fucking is just driving a pretend car for like, which, you know, it's upsetting. I've done that. I have a fake race car in my house, and I've done that to multiple women. What? While they get fucked up on cocaine, I'm like, check this shit out. Check this fucking shit out.

And I'll drive a pretend race car. The level of self-disrespect you have to have, they'll fuck me after that. How much you must hate yourself. They watch? Yeah. They watch? What do they do? I've gotten fucking yacked up and then just drive a pretend race car.

They don't drive it. No. You don't ask for a pretend race car head? No, that was the last time I smoked weed. I cracked myself up like sitting in the pretend race car imagining I also had a flashlight and then like trying to give myself road head while driving a pretend race car and being like, babe, stop. I'm trying to drive.

And just being a guy with that life where you're simulating having a car and also a girlfriend. And you get pulled over and you're like, just play cool. No, sorry. Not right now. I'm trying to drive. Just pushing your own flashlight away. That was good for me.

I was like, damn, I love weed. Oh, my God. I love weed scenarios. Having neither a woman or a car. Yeah. Yeah, I got a Ferrari. A girlfriend is just a flashlight. Where is the race car game?

In your room? It's in my bedroom, yeah. In your bedroom? That's how you get them in there? Yeah. You want to see me drive a race car? Yeah. Where is the race car game? In your room? It's in my bedroom, yeah. In your bedroom? That's how you get them in there? Yeah. You want to see me drive a race car? Yeah. Come to the room.

My room is insane. My bedroom is just a product of different kind of manic episodes. I didn't tell you this, but I think you might have my favorite cat. Oh, yeah. My cat's good. Yeah. That cat. He named my cat Heather.

I named his cat Heather. I'll tell you No cat's better than Ernest That'll go up later today Ernest was the best cat God bless God bless Why do you like his cat Heather?

Well last time I was there She really took to me But she gets into this Tight little ball She has a little ball head And a little ball body And she brings it all together Into this little fucking

Packed in It's good It's like a little cup. It's really good. She's been swatting me the last couple days. I don't know why. She's very feminine. Along the FBI to your house? No, she'll sit under the couch and get my ankles for some reason. We're going to have a talk

when I get home. I don't know why the cat's doing that. She rules. Unlike that nasty Adams dog. What's up with that? That dog was... You were talking about fucking PTSD. I mean, that... What happened to that dog?

That was like a bait dog for dog fights. Oh, I feel like such an asshole. Yeah, you know, it's funny. In the bee world, that dog would be the queen, basically. It was just bitten and raped. Really? Yeah. To get the other...

It's very funny that they call the queen bee the queen. It's the fattest woman in their society. And it's just like a sex slave. And they're like, that's just the queen. I'm assuming British people. It has to be British people, 100%. You narrate a bee show as a down-to-earth girl. Yeah, yeah.

Is she too fat to move? Yeah. Oh, she is too fat. The queen doesn't move at all. She's overfed. Yeah. Oh, she is too fat. The queen doesn't move at all, yeah. She's overfed. Yeah. Sometimes, like, bee societies will die because they, like, create the wrong queen and it'll be infertile. And then they all just, that's it. They die. They can't make another queen.

That's the end of the colony. Yeah, they have nothing they can do. Wow. So the queen bee is just a fat sack of shit. Yeah. I had of shit. Yeah. I had no idea. Yeah. I know in Brooklyn there was red honey being created everywhere and they couldn't figure out what it was.

And then it was some red hook spill of some red dye 40 or whatever. And the bees were drinking it and creating red honey. Red bees. Yeah. What is it called? Colony collapse disorder? Colony collapse. There's a name for it.

It's like CCD. It's like an environmental problem where we're losing bees. Their colonies are disappearing. Because of? Their climate change or something. I don't know. So the queen bee is just a fat hog-tied bee who can't get out? Yeah. She's like a biker wife, basically.

Wow. Hey, man, my name's Marla. You don't want to fuck me again? Yeah. She's a fat chick. Yeah, they have a couple of female offspring, and then they're like, which one's the hottest? What do the drone bees do?

The drone bees just laze around? Why are they always high? They do nothing, dude. They just lay around and fuck. They do nothing. Oh, and when they're all dumb like that, that's after they fuck? What, the drones? Yeah, you know how beekeepers are like, you can just manipulate bees because they're all fucked up?

That's because they smoke them. Oh, they smoke them. Yeah. And that makes them a little retarded. Yeah, I got into like a beekeeping subreddit. I've gone down bee wormholes. Wouldn't it be great? Is this being monitored, by the way?

By the government? Because I think I've accidentally turned this mic off like six times. I've done that before and it's fine. I haven't seen it. Oh, okay. How long have we been going? Okay. The beekeeping subreddit, like there's, you know, it's mostly just people talking about the practical aspects of beekeeping and stuff.

But there's, like, maybe 10% of those guys that just want to fuck the bees. That are just, like, they're, like, oh, they're going in there and seeing, you know, like, digging the queen out. And they go in in shorts and just get all stung up. And they're, like, I love, makes me feel alive. And I know I have to stay calm or the bees will know and they'll get me. You know? They'll sting me up and I'll die in there where I want to be

with my fucking bees. And I'm going to be one of those guys. I'm not going to post, but those will be my emotions. You're going to see me, I'm just going to be like, fuck, just swollen. Swollen and stung. Do they get stung? And you'll be like, are you okay? And I'll be like, this is the happiest I've been in my life.

I've never been happier. Are you kidding me? I'm fucking keeping bees. I'm keeping them. I've never been able to keep anything in my life except bees. One day they'll get me pregnant.

Yeah. One day I'll be a queen. I have a family, motherfucker. And there's 10,000 of us. You can do it. You're right. Yeah, that was great. All right.

Let's wrap it up. Thank you. Oh, that just plays into the... You want to plug? Let him plug. Does this go up today? Irvine Improv. No, this will go out in like three weeks. August 18th through the 20th. Then never mind. I got nothing him plug. Does this go up today? Irvine Improv. No, this will go out

in like three weeks. August 18th through the 20th. Then never mind. I got nothing to plug. What do you got in September? I don't know. I only think about the next date. Yeah. I'll be in Sacramento the 1st of October-ish. September 15th.

Just announced. Stand Up Live Arizona. Come on out. All three of us will be at Skankfest in Vegas. Oh yeah, that's right. Stand Up Live Arizona. Come on out. All three of us will be at Skank Fest in Vegas. Oh, yeah, that's right. That'll be fun. And then I'm doing Cellar Vegas for a week after Skank Fest. Yes. And in October, I'm going to be headlining Governors, Long Island,

Brea Improv, and Pittsburgh Improv. So, IanFyDance.com. iAnimal69. Jordan. Jordan Jensen. LOL stop. JordanJensenComedy.com. And Nick, where can people find you? I don't know. Don't look for me.

Don't look for Nick. Leave him and the bees alone. Bye. And sub to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. Thank you. Bye bye. Bye bye. you bye-bye