Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein Ian with Jordan Ep. 4 "Step Bros Rated X"

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

Ian and Jordan together again! This time they discuss porn, family values, and "the ick".

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know he means giving it, not getting it.

Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, an Ian. Be an Ian. With Jordan.

Tava. Okay. If I don't remember this Bowling for Soup joke. Oh, all right. Set it up. Okay. We went to go see Less Than Jake. They sounded really good. The Aquabats and Bowling for Soup at Brooklyn Steel. Aquabats played for one hour.

Bowling for Soup played for one hour. You were excited about seeing Bowling for Soup. I'm here for Bowling for Soup. I love Bowling for Soup. I don't love them. I used to love them. Not high school, middle school. In middle school, I love Bowling for Soup. We walk into the area, the concert,

crowd of people, band on, and Jordan goes, who's this? It wasn't Bowling... Oh, yeah, it was. It's Bowling for Soup. Well, there was like Aqua Teen Wiggles on stage before then. There was a thing behind that said Bowling for Soup. They look really bad.

They look very different. They've always looked bad. They've always looked bad. They've always looked bad. They've been fat. But the guy singing, his talk voice sounded like he was a cartoon character in like a cool. He was like, he was trying to keep kids off drugs. He was like, you can love rock and roll and not get high. Yeah, yeah.

It was like that. Here's a way to get high. High on the fretboard. Yeah. And then the other guy, he would be like that. Here's a way to get high. High on the fretboard. And then the other guy, he would be doing that. And then the other guy with a beard would be like, I'm going to fuck your pussy. And you're like, whoa. This guy in a long beard, bald, and a kilt was like, repeat after me.

I like to fuck. And the lead singer was like, kids, it's all about staying at school. The lead singer was like, my nine-year-old's here. And then they were begging us to buy merch it was bleak it really bummed me out oh yeah they were like things have been slow for nine years and we're like oh the the sound quality of less than jake was so bad you think yeah it was bad quite bad oh i left after two songs dude you well first of all okay there's a joke competition between the band and they're like we get to pick the joke winner and one of the jokes was like kind of risque right the first guy he like said a word yeah i don't what's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea

yeah i've never had a garbanzo bean i've never had a garbanzo bean pee on my face i've never had a garbanzo bean on my face oh yeah I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because chick pee on my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the drummer's was good. I just can't remember. The drummer's was good.

But the guitarist said something like, something about dyslexia. And half the crowd was like, I'm neurodivergent. Yeah. And then I leaned over to Jordan. I was like, wouldn't it be funny if the guy's like, knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?

And then the one guy grabs the mic. He's like, how do you get a fag to fuck a woman? You shove shit in her pussy. And everyone's just like, oh, my God. Which is a joke that was told to me by a guy I was strapped to in a plane right before we jumped out of the plane skydiving. Really? Yes. That's awesome.

Yeah. That rules. And then another guy told a joke. How many fags can sit on a bar stool? Turn it over. Four. Oh. Because I sit.

Wow. Good one. What kind of gay people are going to a bar without multiple bar stools? That's really good. And hey, fella with the shitting her pussy, I've been with men and women, and let me tell you, pal, it's not about the shit. I don't know how you avoid the shit.

The little rim? There's always a little rim. You can probably get a guy to fuck a woman without putting shit in her pussy. Just have her fuck her in the ass. What about my buddy's fucking a girl who has herpes? Ew. Or is she a comic in Brooklyn?

No. But you think that they just do anal? Or is she a comic in Brooklyn? No. But you think that they just do anal? That's what I was wondering. It's so easy to not get herpes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you have herpes? It's like, no.

STDs, I don't know if there's anything wrong with it. STDs are so easy to avoid now. Why? Like, you just have to be aware, as long as you're on suppression medication, you can't spread it. When you have a flare-up, you just have to say aware as long as you're on suppression medication you can't spread it. When you have a flare up you just have to say hey we can't have contact for a couple days. It's just scary to become one of the pariah. Like I know that it's bad and I know that it's

horrible to think that way but like it is scary to be like there's no way I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. So the idea of becoming one of these like people that is a leper. It's tough. It's tough it's tough dude how people felt with aids i just wouldn't tell people i had it i would just that's evil i know shut the fuck up you would really do that if i didn't have an outbreak i would just not say anything that's

fucked up i did that with all of covid really yeah very frequently you didn't tell people you had covid when you know but i was like it would be like I was around somebody with COVID. I would start to feel sick and I wouldn't test. I'm the most amoral person when it comes to this shit. Wow. So wait, you would have herpes, not have a breakout and not tell someone. What if God forbid you gave them herpes? What do you think?

You just blow a shafar and it makes it go away? It's just the same way I feel about COVID. Just let it be herd immunity. COVID is different than herpes. But everybody's going to get it. No, that's not how herpes works. You might as well avoid the worry. HPV.

If somebody cheats on you, do you want to know? You're a bad person. Do you want to know? Yes. I don't want to know. You can find the guy and beat the piss out of him. If you're going to die in three weeks, do you want to know? Yes.

I don't want to know. I would rather spend three weeks doing what I'm doing and just living the life that I am enjoying than be just worrying about saying enough goodbyes. You be just worrying about saying goodbye to the people you love. Oh, why would I want to say goodbye? I would just be like, don't tell anybody. Don't I don't want to know. Yeah. They do that in China so that people recover.

What? Like it's like that you can choose Western or Eastern medicine. If you choose Eastern, they're allowed to lie to you. Like they're allowed to be like, you're going to get better next week and then people will start to get better. No. Yeah, totally. Yeah. That's why i wouldn't want to know i'd be like just give me a say here's your vitamin c pill whatever that is and just say i'm gonna live forever

i think i would want to know so that i could be like hey guys i just want to say who cares i'm dying they don't want to know don't be sad wink. Wink, wink, be sad. Come on. I tell my mom all the time. I'm like, if I die, just know I'm quite a happy girl. I say that all the time. Really? She doesn't like it. That sounds like something a happy girl would say.

Hey, I'm very happy. Hey, just so you know, I'm happy. Everything's fine. If I die, mysteriously by cutting myself. Before I went into surgery, I said it. By the way, surgery, the fentanyl. Oh, when I replaced you. Dude, that's the best stuff I've ever had in my life.

Fentanyl. It feels so good. Yeah, well, a lot of people would agree with you. To the point where they pumped so much of it in them, they died. Let's talk about the Down syndrome model on Sports Illustrated. What? What is this, five months ago? Yeah.

I just found out about it what do you get it what are you time machine jensen i just somebody just showed it to me whoa why did it hey oj got off and is not guilty it's a way bigger deal than the fat girl on it why because she is first of all hold on wait what were you saying about fentanyl and then the thing of um before fentanyl what's she saying oh that i'm amoral and don't want to know if i'm gonna die and don't want to tell people i have herpes and don't want to tell people i have covid and don't want to tell people if i'm carrying a disease that will kill the yeah everybody's better off in the dark i think if i if i knew i was gonna die i would drink see that's fucked up

why because then you spend half of your death days hung over and feeling bad and guilty and being weird in the street. Well, you're already weird in the street. I know. No, I would eat a sheet cake. I've thought about it, but I just am saying. A sheet cake? That's your big decadent goodbye?

I would eat so much. Well, there you go. Your eating is my drinking. No, it's not okay. Right before you die, the day before you die, I'll be like, hey, you're going to die tomorrow. No, no, no. What's today? Thursday.

I'm dying next Thursday, right? I find out this weekend, go out, have a fucking, no, because then I'd have like anxiety. Yeah, the anxiety would not be worth it. Trust me, you don't want to know. And then all of a sudden you're dead. That's what happened to my dad. It's the most beautiful thing. He said early on in his life, he was like, I just want to go to work, come home, die when I die.

And he did that. Great. Died in his sleep. That's what I want. I don't want any medications. I don't want to be Googling what's the best way to cure this. I don't want to be going to Switzerland for some weird treatment. Like this i don't want to be going to switzerland for some weird treatment like i just want to fucking do comedy live have no idea well i guess that's a way of being like i live well truly i live every day like i'm gonna die so

what's the difference yeah i mean i ride a bike everywhere i might by the time this comes out it might be i just reveled the whole way here for an hour without a helmet yeah yeah i know estee really got mad at that the other day about the helmet really yeah you have to wear a helmet i hope she doesn't hear this she might get mad at that accent wait hold on there was something else i wanted to say maybe don't come back but let's get back to the fact that it is thursday june 30th and you were talking about a story that came out in april with the down syndrome model i just found out about it what do you think about it it's not okay why because she has the mental capacity of an eight-year-old and that's where people go to come i have a whole joke about it it's killing but it

is i do think it's not okay and you know what's weird it's like a woke thing people are like yes you go queen and i'm like i think it's gonna get to the point where it's like normal people should be able to fuck down syndrome people they deserve love they deserve sex and it's like no you're taking advantage of the mentally retarded i googled it down syndrome people have a mental capacity of an eight-year-old some of them are further along sure sure she may be a further along she don't look further along you know what i mean she may be a uh she's hot i will say that it's just not okay that there's dudes just uh you don't know that it's like putting an eight-year-old what if it's down syndrome eight-year-olds this person identifies as an adult. Down syndromes need to jerk off?

I'm six years old. What if she loves it and she gets off and she goes to Special Olympics and she's like, come on, my feet. I'm six years old and I identify as a 28-year-old. And we're going to be like, yes, put a dick in her ass and put her on a porn magazine. She doesn't probably understand what identifying is. She probably didn't even know she was in a bikini. Every eight-year-old wants to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated,

but we don't do it because it's fucked up. She probably calls a bikini a half blanket. What if I did this? What if I said, hey, this porn star has the mental capacity of a six-year-old. You're going to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated. You're drawing sports. I just watched porn for like the first time. Illustrate sports?

Yeah, that's what she probably thought. If you're illustrating, why you take my picture? I want to go to the beach. Dude, Nick Mullen one time did a Down Syndrome impression. Shout out, Nick Mullen. Oh, it's great. I wept. Oh, yeah.

It's really good anyway he's good at being retarded yeah he is anyway so what's your thesis god let me hear this it's not she probably was like i want to play with swimsuit on and she was on the cover and her tits are all out they push her tits out she's it's a fucking porno Basically. My dad had like a stack of them that was like soldered with cum. Like it's because the porn was you had to use that to come. Kids aren't looking at Sports Illustrated to come now when they got a fucking cable internet in their pocket on the fucking fast track to the World Wide Web of porn in their pocket. You think some kid has the option to see a fucking gangbang and a girl getting deep throat

and two girls 69ing and he's like, you know what? I'm going to jerk off to the Down Syndrome girl on the cover of a magazine. Okay, so when you saw the cover of the magazine and you saw the Down Syndrome model, you didn't see a child's face on a woman's body? No. That's what you saw. No, I saw a, it

honestly looked like Salma Hayek and from dust till dawn when she had a hot body and her face was all lizardy and to be honest i was a young kid and i was jerking off to it so maybe but i everyone's up in arms about it but it's nobody's ups and arms everybody agrees with you everybody agrees with what about like so what everybody's like she gets to do what she wants she has down syndrome but that and i'm like that's fine for like a autistic person or or whatever all the other ones but down syndrome does mean that they have they're mentally stunted she is a child in a woman's body physically of age okay so if i said there's a three-year-old in this woman's body have sex

with her no no but how old is she oh the body yeah the body is like 28 oh that's not but the the brain she's and you're just fucking her and she's like a A, B, C, D, 3, 9, 12. And you're like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Are you getting hard? Yeah. I'm like, well, next time I'll sing with you. Can I tell you, I just started getting into porn and it's really exciting.

Yeah, what is happening? I've just never looked into it and now I'm looking into it. What are you looking at? I didn't realize that blowjobs are supposed to be, I know that you use the hand, but they're quite fast in porn. What were you doing? I mean, I go fast, but then I would slow, and I thought the slow was good, but turns out

the slow is just a break for me. No, the slow makes it so that we don't cum. You gotta do fast and sloppy. A lot. They look scary doing it. If you don't go fast, it's going to take forever to come, and then you're going to be conditioned to hate blowjobs.

There's also a sideways thing they're doing. Like, it's not going straight back. It's like she was kind of like going at it like that. Oh, to make a pop out of the cheek? Yeah, yeah, she was doing that. Yeah, I mean, I'll be the first to say it. I applaud anyone that's good at sucking dick. Yeah.

It is really a difficult task. I thought I was, but after watching porn. I'm terrible at it. I applaud anyone that's good at sucking dick. Yeah. It is really a difficult task. I thought I was, but after watching porn. I'm terrible at it. I go fast and slow. I can't make a guy cum. Really? Nope. What happens?

You gag. I think they see my bald spot. Dude, I am starting to see bald spots on people. Yeah. And it is, it's a thing. It's a real thing. Yeah. Yeah, all the time.

You see one in your mirror? Oh. Oh, you have one. Anyway. No, I'm kidding. I mean, it is. I's a thing. It's a real thing. Yeah. All the time. Have you seen one in your mirror? Oh. Oh, you haven't. Anyway. No, I'm kidding. I mean, it is. I mean, they come. You're not getting bald, are you?

No. Oh, okay. Women don't get bald. Yeah, they do. Yeah. It's really sad. No, but I do have this gray streak. Do you see that?

Oh, yeah. I got some grays on my. No, look how much hair I have. Oh, you got grays back here. No. Yeah. I don't. A little.

Let me see. Yeah, it's gray. I i do not you're such a great coming from the roots it's not can you zoom zoom right there's dry shampoo in it oh maybe that's what it is here let me take a picture okay there i put i put olivia's dry shampoo in yep oh that's gray that's not that's blonde highlight that's gray oh god yeah no yeah that's the dry shampoo that i sprayed in me it honestly looks like i'm looking at chewbacca's asshole god yeah wow it really does quite groomed no that is the dry shampoo you sure no all right well i'm not sure listen girls gone gray great song by afi sasha gray great i'm ready to go gray i'm ready to be the paint covered gray i'm liking that i'm getting gray in my sideburns i kind of like that now porn you were never into it no but then i

started finding step-sibling porn and i had sex with my step brother So I'm pretty into that And so now I'm getting into porn What? I did I had sex with my step brother Dude it's the hottest How long was he your step brother? Years Shut the fuck up

A lot of years Since I was 11 And when did you guys fuck i was 17 dude no wonder you have a demented sense of reality like well if you have herpes you don't gotta tell anyone just like fucking a stepbrother yeah i was raised by a moral wolves until you're on a podcast. Oh, my God. You had sex with a stepbrother? You're the porn search that's destroying our minds. Tell me everything. It was so hot.

It was very hot. We high-fived afterwards. Our parents didn't know about it. That was so hot. Oh, that's hot. Yeah. I thought about that with my cousin. I always had a crush on him because I was like 11, and he was older than me.

So hot. How old? BMXer. Like seven years older? Yeah. So then when I came of age dude hold on hold on no yes it is no you're still a year under of age this is going to go get this is people can is this child pornography because you were 11 and you were slip-sliding on your seat to a fucking 18-year-old man that's related. I was glossing around. I was a goo trail.

I was a viscous fountain, dude. You barely had to put salt on you because you were leaving a slug trail. I would sit down and just slide right off. Hey, we're out of wiper fluid, Jordan. Squat in front of the windshield. It was great. And it was a fat little malgas. So when I watched it, it was just.

Oh, my God. He fucked you when you were a fat girl? No, I became hot. Oh, and he was like, finally. Yeah. And I was like, finally now. How many times did you guys fuck? Just once.

Do you still talk? Maybe twice. Yeah, I just visited him. We're in. I bet you did you guys fuck? Just once. Do you still talk? Maybe twice. Yeah. I just visited him. Yeah. We're in. I bet you did. We're family.

One of our moms doesn't know about it. My mom knows. We're visiting. We're family. You just fucked them. Oh my God. That's so fuck. I can't wrap my gay little head around this.

Anyway, the podcast is me and Ian. Me and Ian. Me and Ian. Me and Ian? Men Ian. Oh, it could be mean Ian. Like mean Ian. What about me and Ian? Yeah.

M-I-A-N-I-A-N. Me and Ian. Okay. Me and Ian? Yeah, I like being Ian with you. No, that sucks. Why? Because then it's who you are with me.

Is that not what it is? It's not. You're like this all the time. Be an Ian. Me and Ian. Because then you don't have to change the lyrics. But be an Ian is a real fun. Yeah, it's be an Ian.

So is me and Ian. Yeah, but. Yeah, it's B and Ian. So is me and Ian. Yeah, but people go, who's the man? All right, you have it B and Ian, but I'm doing every fourth podcast. Okay. Damn. I was going to do less than that, wasn't I? Ian wins again, family fucker. God damn it.

You would have fucked him. How did you fuck? Okay. Okay. The hot fantasy is fucking someone in secret. Like at a sleepover or something. Mother in the house. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a guy that goes to a different school. Oh, and the other stepbrother didn't know about it, and he's very protective. It was good. Was it at a family function? Christmas. Oh, my God. Merry Christmas.

We came down all red-faced. Merry Christmas. Describe what happened. Okay, I... Is there any way we could put something on my penis to see if I get a boner to show everyone I'm not a freak? Wait, what do you mean describe what happened okay this scenario how did this go down okay i'm gonna tell you shut the fuck up all right i said i'm gonna come home for christmas they said tyler's

gonna come home for christmas too they said you guys are gonna have to sleep in the same room i said oh no then me and tyler i think started texting got little flirty. How did you get flirty with your brother? Because he's not my brother. He's my stepbrother. But you were step-siblings since you were 11. Yeah, but he, like, smoked me up on, you know, he got me high for the first time. And you guys weren't in the house together a lot. Dude, how he fucked me after seeing me as a fat little mall goth, I have no idea.

But I did transform quite a bit over the course of high school and college so you guys how did he get flirty with you wow sis i was like me and paul broke up and he was like oh that's good you're too hot for him maybe and i was like really and he was like yeah you're hot and then you know i was like is this hot and like sent a photo maybe like that and then then he was like, that is hot. I'm, you know, and then it was like, well, we'll see you on Christmas.

And then we share each other on Christmas. Yep. Where are my cats? My mom's better not listen to this. I mean, my mom can, but his mom cannot. Oh my God.

So you went to the bedroom together and how did it happen were you like the floor is hurting my pussy no we were in bed together and you slept in the same bed of course oh my god one of you wasn't like i'll sleep on the floor no we knew we were gonna fuck oh my god i was so blissfully unaware Of situations like that Literally laid in bed with a girl my sophomore year of high school And she was like Ian Do you ever get horny And I was like

She's like what do you do about it And I was like You know sometimes I drink I'm really tired goodnight And I just went to bed because it made me nervous And you're're your brother it sucks getting older though like i was in bed yeah you can't your brother anymore i could still but like the other day i was sleeping in bed with a buddy who i would have

like i was like oh we'll lay in bed together because we're sharing a bed and then we'll slowly start to and then next thing i know it was morning and i woke up you know what i mean no no no it was my buddy who I stayed with in California. Oh. And you wanted to fuck him. Well, we just like have done stuff before. And I was like, maybe that'll. And it was just funny that like sleep was just way higher up on the priority list.

Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? I'll take a good night of sleep over coming anytime. For sure. You know? I'll use coming to sleep. That's pretty much the only time I come. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, coming takes me a while because I'll use coming to sleep. That's pretty much the only time I come. You know what I mean? Well, coming takes me a while because of my antidepressants. That's the worst feeling. It has killed my sex drive. Because you get so frustrated. Yeah, and also it just makes it like I don't get NRBs anymore.

No reason boners. I'm just like, well, sometimes I forget I have a penis. Do you want to hear my joke about it? I was on Prozac for OCD. It was on Prozac for OCD, but you can't come on Prozac. So I got off of it. So now I can come, but I have to do it in multiples of three or my moms will die. Oh, for OCD.

Oh, that's fun. I have a joke about antidepressants. I go antidepressants. I go, antidepressants, it's so hard to, they suck because if I don't take my antidepressants, I want to kill myself, but I can come. If I do take my antidepressants, I don't want to kill myself, but I can't come, which makes me want to kill myself. Yeah. It's called Zoloft's Paradox.

Nice. I think maddie smith has the exact same joke well she stole it from me i don't know about that well you are 100 years old so that's possible yeah well i've been doing this joke since you know how many people have this joke the abortion joke where they're like i think you should be able to kill it when it's eight years old or whatever that one i'm like oh yeah nine people have that joke they've seen last also i don't think maddie has my joke because my joke doesn't end in... Shout out Maddie Smith. I do love Maddie. I'm a slut.

She's great. She's great? Yeah. We'll be right back after this. So when you fucked your brother, how did... It was not weird afterwards. And how did you guys not not keep fucking because i feel like once you fuck in a situation like that it's so hot you got to keep doing it and then look forward

to stuff and be like are you going to the family reunion oh grandma died you want to gonna blow you in the at the wake i think it's because I lost attraction to him after that. I think I was like, well, you know, that was good. But now I think I was a little bit like, oh, you fucked your sister. Gross. You know what I mean? Well, you know, I wasn't you, but you're kind of gross now. I'm going to try to fuck my nephew.

You're getting too old, bro. I'd still fuck him. I'd fuck him tomorrow oh my god will you call him right now no call him okay here's the truth

we haven't talked about it also ever no really wow you don't think you'll ever if you talked about it you would definitely

yeah yeah remember that I grew up watching Clueless so did I oh my god That's so funny That that movie ends

With a college guy Fucking his sister Step sister Who's 16 Yeah And everyone's like Ah Amazing

I was like Ah Writing it down Yeah dude That's one of my All time favorite comedies It's flawless I know every word

It's so good But It's so good but it's so funny that that's paul rudd can get away from that he could be fucking the down syndrome model and we'd be like you get it paul well the down syndrome model oh my god i think is good what but at the same time who cares it's just a person. It's just a model. Was it a make-a-wish or is this going to keep happening? No, because it's like if a make-a-wish kid was like, I want anything. And we were like, anything? And she was like, anal.

And we were like, okay, we'll get it for you. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. It's like if a make-a-wish kid was like, I want to be fucked in the ass. And we were like, okay, you can do it because you are a minority or whatever. Wait. You're fucking your brother. This is so good.

You're not telling people you have herpes. And now you're talking about giving anal to make-a-wish kids. Can you not do that? I don't have herpes. You don't have herpes. If I did, it would be really tempting for me to not tell anybody if I wasn't having an outbreak. If I knew you had herpes, I would get on you to tell people. You'd tell people you're a tell people. You'd tell people.

You're a good person. You would eat away at me. I am. And you know I have to tell everybody everything all the time. That orange juice was supposed to be mine. You just drank that one. I got myself two. I don't give a shit.

You put. Yeah, you fucked your brother. You don't care about shit. You can have it. I just wanted a little sip. So my brother is my stepbrother. It's hot. Is that twos all over BMXer?

I had a crush on a cousin. Yeah, we've all been. We all did. Yeah. Everybody's had crushes on cousins. Everyone's got a hot cousin. If somebody said I'm marrying my cousin, I would be like, who cares? That's fine.

First cousin, no. Why? Because that's how incest or inbreeding happens. I caught Tyler, my stepbrother, Googling famous people who have slept with relatives. Like I remember seeing Einstein and I was like, oh, this is what you think is like holding you back, dude. Dude, your life is a haunted house. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And the price of admission is $5 a month. Patreon.com slash meanian is it being in or meanian it's meanian because it sounds like meanian yes meanian meanian meanian and because the lumineers say meanian right meanian but it'll sound like meanian well i gotta change the theme song because it says uh and you know he likes it in the butt. And that sounds like I get fucked in the ass, which I don't. So we got to change it to years ago. It's not for me.

It feels like you're pooping backwards. No, it just feels like, you know, I'm letting my grandmother down. Really? Yeah. You don't like the feeling? It's a good feeling. I like my butthole played with, but not.

I like someone to knock on the door, but don't go inside. Why? Because it hurts and it's not pleasurable. Coconut oil. I've gotten my prostate massage before, but even then I'm just like. Dude, that was so funny when you went to the massage place. Okay. You walked in.

You go, hey, I just went and got a massage and didn't get a happy ending and i was like that's great really and you went well she played with my balls while i jerked off and i was like why did you say this why did you present this to me she didn't play with my balls she tickled me whatever you basically came in all excited like hey i didn't get jerked off i didn't technically but that's just like you technically didn't fuck a family member okay but you should say hey i just went and jerked myself off at a massage that's what you should say not like hey i just got a normal massage like normal human beings and didn't do anything weird and then what the reality was you did something even weirder than getting jerked off why is it even weirder do you know how good it feels to have your body tickled while you come it's weirder to

have an old asian woman blowing on your penis like she's trying to start a native american fire are they not good at it i thought they'd be that's what they do they literally go native america they jerk off like they're trying to use twindle and sticks you know that's what they try to do they try to twindle you and i said twindle no more why why i thought they would be really good at it no they have all the oil and shit no really i had a guy the other day he was massaging in my inner thighs. Oh.

And I was like, which, by the way, is incredibly excruciatingly painful. What? Yes. I love it. My erogenous zone is from like here to like here. No, no, no. I mean deep massaging, like where the bike muscles are. Anyway, he's getting in, getting close to my vagina. Oh, my God.

And I'm like kind of writhing because it hurts so bad. He takes my hand. And he saw your tattoo that said brother territory. Put it. You're entering brother country. Put it behind my back and interlaced his fingers into mine. Behind my back in cop position. And kept doing it.

And I was like, this is. Was he a hot guy? No, he's a little Asian man. I jerk off to it every night. The idea of it though. Isn't that crazy? Interlaced his fingers. So you jerk off to it, but you won't let it happen. Oh, cause you don't like the guy.

It's gotta be a special guy. No, it was like, it was very rapey. But you jerk off to that scenario. I jerk off to rapey scenarios all the time, but I do not want to be raped. Right. But if that was a hot guy, like who's like hot that we know. If that was like your stepbrother and he was doing that massage would you let it happen yeah okay so then it had to do with the guy not the scenario

you weren't creeped out by the scenario you were creeped out by the guy well i didn't consent but that's part of the fantasy the fantasy is that yeah yeah totally no consent yeah exactly and oh you're saying if somebody was really hot and they came in. You would have allowed them. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah, you can rape me if you're hot. Come on in.

Exactly. Yeah. There you go. Totally. Sound off in the comments. That's the clip for the week. Just that over and over, and the voice gets slower. So you can rape me in the comments.

So you've been whoring around town. What? No, I haven't. That's what you said last podcast about me. Oh, is that what I said? You go, you were traumatized in the podcast, and then you deflect by going, so you've been whoring around town. It's not like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo!

Mothers hide your sons and sisters hide your brothers. I hooked up with somebody new. I wrote a whole joke about it. Oh, tell. Well, here's the problem. You know when you hook up with somebody and no you don't know about this when you're hooking up with a man you do that thing where you reaching down their pants and you're just praying that it's a sufficient dick you know what i mean why wouldn't i know that oh yeah okay and it was one

of those moments where you reach down i feel it over the pants to be sure yeah but sometimes it's wedged in a way it's hot to feel it over the pants i know i Yeah but sometimes it's wedged in a way It's hot to feel it over the pants I know I did the feel I'm not a fucking retard What? I did over the pants Hey

But I couldn't get it Did I see you on the cover of Sports Illustrated? I couldn't get a good feel I couldn't feel over the pants I couldn't tell And I couldn't tell because it was insufficient obviously But I thought maybe it was Is it a comic?

No, no, no, no. It's just a guy. And then I reached in and I was like, oh, we're going to be friends. Was he tucking it back? Really? It was tiny. It wasn't tiny. It was just tiny.

It wasn't that it was tiny. Show us on producer Jordan. It was like this width. Oh, really? This yield slender. Oh, dude, there's nothing worse than like a real slender penis and a big head that's gross it looks like a mushroom oh the big head on the penis I think you meant their face yes that is a head on the penis tiny oh so scary it looks like one of those sinister who still aside

but I know yeah I only fuck around with black, so it always looks like they got a mag light in their pants. Do you only fuck around with black guys? Mm-hmm. Really? Mm-hmm. I didn't know that. Why is that?

It feels racist a little. Not towards white people, but fetishistic. No, I've always been into black guys. Oh. And black women. I exclusively looked at black and Latina and Indian porn from like maybe 97, 98 to like 2001. Wow, look at you. Mm-hmm.

Quite woke. Yeah. My friends used to make fun of me because I'd go on a website called dogfart.com, which was an interracial porn site. What about these cake fart porns? Oh, yeah. I paid for an OnlyFans where a girl sat on a cake. Did she fart? No, but she would only like jiggle her butt. And I'm like, I'm paying for like penetration, yeah. I paid for an OnlyFans where a girl sat on a cake. Did she fart? No, but she would only, like, jiggle her butt.

And I'm like, I'm paying for, like, penetration, lady. What was going to penetrate her? The cake? No, like, I want to see someone get fucked. I don't want to see them just, like, prance around. Do OnlyFans have sex? I thought it was just boobs and photos. What?

I thought it was just pictures. No. It's just comics. It's, like, a lot of penetration. Really? Yeah thought it was just pictures. No. It's just comics. It's like a lot of penetration. Really? Yeah. Only fans has porn? I saw one where a girl

has stepbrother. Swear to God, it was a hot trans gal. I don't think they were stepbrothers. Technically both stepbrothers. That's the problem with porn is it's like,

my brother's coming home from Iraq and then he walks in and he's like, oh, hello. And you're like, this is a Mexican man and you are a white woman. Oh, my home somehow he's older than me yeah that sucks

yeah yeah yeah i don't like it cast correctly i should start paying for it pay for your porn it's good to pay you know to support them but i gotta dialed back because I blacked out one night and subscribed to too many OnlyFans. Yeah, what was going on? I don't know. I just, like, went to a fucking, like, I didn't realize what I was doing. Isn't that the fun thing about being bipolar that you can still black out without alcohol? Dude, yeah, and I was, like, so horny that I was, like, I just need to keep looking. And I just kept subscribing.

The next day, I was, like, how many are on here? And it was, like, 14. I was, like, God, I felt like I was hung over the ideas I get in my head when I'm horny like when I'm actually masturbating or like I'm like who cares about any comedy who cares about anything we should just be fucking all the time I should contact this person have him come over and then as soon as you come you're like I need to yeah yeah yeah yeah credit report yeah it's I mean it's the thing like sometimes it'll be like huh god i just want to be you know a sex person yeah i would i want to be hung up in the middle of an empty subway car

and have a bunch of brothers just take advantage of me and fill all my holes crazy and then the second i come i'm like i don't like sex i don't like people i don't want to be our people but when you're coming you're like i'm to walk into the street right now and fuck those bodega guys. It's really weird. You get like... Is everybody like that? Some people. I don't know. I think being bipolar has that effect. Really?

Where you just lose your goddamn mind? It's like... I think it goes into a shame thing where it's like you want to be used. You want to be abused. Because you associate shame with a lot of sex and stuff so then like the ultimate shame is being like treated terribly sexually so you like want that because it turns you on in a way because i'm sure it taps into something from your childhood and then once you come you like come to your senses because the evil satan seed is out of you. Yeah.

And then you start to see God again. And you're like, oh, I used to go to church. Yeah. And forgive my father. This woman, rich girl in the audience last night, I was like, did anybody get hit growing up? And she was like, I did. And she was this meek little girl. And I was like, your dad hit you?

And she was like, yeah. And I was like, are you into rough sex because of it? And she and her friends were like, oh, like looked at me like, how dare you? And she looked at me and went. Oh, my God. And I was like, hell yeah rough sex because of it and she and her friends were like oh like looked at me like how dare you and she went looked at me and went oh my god i was like hell yeah dude that is so traumatic for her to just go yes yeah i saved it though i was like you're into it because of we watched aladdin jafar that's why you're really what that's my whole theory that 30 year old women are into rough sex because we grew up watching aladdin why because remember the scene do you remember aladdin yes

remember when disney designed the red outfit for her and he locked her up in the yeah hourglass yes and spit she spits in his face yeah she's chained up with a high ponytail yes we every girl was jerking it for the first time on on You make these proclamations like everyone's living your Ithaca farm life. And I'm here to tell you- That's not a farm life. Aladdin. Well, I had a crush on Ariel and she was a mermaid.

Well, we all wanted to get fucked by Jafar. We all wanted to get raped by Jafar. Yes, we did. And Aladdin's watching? He's getting cucked in that scene? What? Nobody wanted to get fucked by Jafar. Jafar was a gross old Arab with a goatee.

That's like you want to get fucked by some guy named Ak at the deli. What? What does that nice picture have to do with anything? You want to get fucking gang raped by a bunch of Arabs with goatees because of Jafar? That's not what everyone thinks. I do. Yes, they do. They think that.

They think that. Why don't you go to Sweden? Because they have an issue with immigration. Go live out your little fantasy there. The migrants. The Syrians. It's not okay. It's not okay Go to Toronto Where they all came in

My angry dad walking in And my jerk hand to Jafar Why don't you go to Syria Where they're letting All sorts of Jafars in Huh You want to open up Your god damn borders

Why don't you join The god damn military And maybe that's why Every girl hates her father Because they look at him Jafar's in, huh? You want to open up your goddamn borders? Why don't you join the goddamn military? And maybe that's why every girl hates her father, because they look at him as a soft sultan, like that guy. They look at him like a cucked Aladdin. Yeah. Soft sultan. Soft sultan is a beautiful thing you just said.

I'm so proud of you. A soft sultan. And women think they want a street rat riffraff, but they only want Aladdin when he's got money. And he turns into, Jafar turns into the genie and he's like the big hot genie with the abs. They drew a six pack on his genie. You would rather have evil genie than fun Robin Williams? To fuck, yeah.

Wow. Fuck, marry, kill. Wow, maybe. Maybe you have a point. Remember when Aladdin is locked up and he's going like this and he's watching? And then he spits the apple in Jasmine's face and she wipes it off like this, like it's cum? Do you remember this? Dude, I'm telling you, this Disney is fucked up.

She goes like, and she wipes. Oh, it's Disney. She wipes like this. It's Disney that's fucked up she goes like and she oh it's disney she wipes like this it's disney that's fucked up she wipes white viscous apple off her face and flicks it while aladdin is dying i remember they gave me love and made me feel good when he's in the snow and the thing rolls over him and he holds a poo to his chest for warmth because there's nothing like the love between a man and his animal. Samson, where are you at?

I hold him on my chest. I go, what the fuck was that, Jordan? Of? Of Jafar. Of Jafar. Hourglass. It does come up. Yeah, doesn't it?

What? Wow. Oh, my God. did you see the uh top gun no there's a scene in that what was the scene it's the main guy not the main guy but the guy who plays rooster and he's throwing a football around and he does this one dance move that like me and reed who are watching grabbed each other and we're like oh and then i googled it oh and it comes up he like rolls his chest but it's literally 0.1 second long and i and i googled it and it was like every video people trying to do it yeah it's gonna be like yeah wow it's like in rocky or picture show when he does the eyebrow there was a look gwen stefani gave him one of the music videos she did at the end where she like makes like a baby face it's like the hottest those are my favorite moments is when you're like oh when you can get the and you

rewind it and you play it a million times oh yeah i feel like that well i guess people can do that like scrubbing on youtube and stuff but we used to have to do it with a vhs yeah and you would remember those moments forever i'm picturing in my head right now in rocky or picture show when he lifts his eyebrow up for a second never seen it what that was made for you that movie was made for you what's it about it's a hybrid of trans sex and punk rock really yeah a hundred percent when i was a little mall goth because i was a mall goth but i also loved like theater and improv and comedy and then I saw that movie and I was like you could have it all maybe I should see it oh my god we're gonna watch that

movie all right we're gonna watch it tomorrow okay oh I like uh um Tim Curry he's amazing yeah yeah I can't believe I've never seen it yeah that's wild changed my life seeing it Yeah, I can't believe I've never seen it. Yeah, that's wild. Changed my life seeing it. Really good. I'm trying to think what cartoon. I had a crush on Bambi.

The deer. Okay. All right. I'm going to be accepting. That's fine. I thought Bambi was a girl. Turns out Bambi's a boy and also a deer. And that says a lot about me. Because of the eyelashes, yeah.

I kiss my cat. What about Lola Rabbit? Oh, my cat. What about Lola Rabbit? Oh, my God, yes. Lola Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit. Fucking Jessica Rabbit. Huge crush. Oh, my.

I am like Roger Rabbit, and Olivia's like Jessica Rabbit. You are. You are like Roger Rabbit. Man, she's my Jessica Rabbit. She is. That's fucked up. Why is that fucked up? Roger Rabbit's great.

Just how accurate it is. Yeah. He is great. Mm- i'm the guy whose eyes pops out of his head that gets run over by the steamroller or i'm just the angry eddie yeah that's who i am i'm angry eddie with you always trying to kiss me and i'm like get the fuck i am not coming over from 2 to 9 p.m. Can somebody draw me as Roger Rabbit, Olivia as Jessica Rabbit, and you as fucking Eddie like Roger? Yeah, can one of you two people and maybe a third who accidentally

stumbled on this? Get the fuck out of here. Fucking, yeah, that's what it would be if it was me and Ian, but being Ian, it's going to be two million. Really? Yeah. He knows. Okay, we'll see yeah draw it go we'll be right back after this i wish there were commercial breaks i know shafar jafar why don't you go to sy Syria where they have an immigration problem? This is so good.

Sweden. Well, wait. Okay. You said that you hooked up with a guy and you felt his cock and you're like, we're just going to be friends. Was that a version of the ick? No. Explain the ick. The ick is so brutal. It's when somebody does something to you that they don't even realize and you lose every piece of attraction to them they exhibit an

insecurity typically that is kind of pathetic and childlike and you can never recover like for instance you're in the airport with a guy picks you up from the airport. No, you're in the airport with a guy. He loses his luggage. Okay. And he starts panicking. Oh, here's a good ick. I'm with a guy.

We're driving his car, flat tire. I get out. I'm like, get the, you know, the jack and everything. He starts pacing. He's like, what are we going to do? I don't know what to do. We're going to have to call somebody. I don't have to. I caught the ick so bad.

I don't even have a vagina and I'm drying up. I'm the queen of catching the ick. I can't go back once I catch it. Well, here's the thing, though. Guys don't, it can be as something as simple as like, he chews funny. Yeah, he gets a haircut. The haircut will give you the ick. That's how evil women are.

Yeah, yeah. It's not good. Women, we will have sex with you and like, be like, I gets a haircut. The haircut will give you the ick. That's how evil women are. Yeah, yeah. It's not good. Women, we will have sex with you and be like, I don't really like that. Never mind. But you pick an arbitrary thing that we can't even control and hold it against us, lose interest, and then we're left with like, what's wrong with me?

You know what's wrong with you? You existed and you allowed yourself to be around a woman. That's what was wrong with you. But here's the thing. You're evil? I am evil, yeah. All of you? No, because they're not all like that.

It's not an MRA podcast. Ian sells. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Now, the ick is evil. What is the male to female equivalent of the ick i don't know you see us look ugly for a second our makeup's off we wake up with a bad breath yeah you like i don't know like i don't know like you leave a little bit of self-tanner on the wrong place or

like one of your eyelashes is longer than the other get away from me bitch. Wow. No I'm kidding. No what'll make you catch the ick? Finding out somebody fucked their stepfather. That gave somebody the ick once they found out about that. Really? Yeah. And they were like oh you're like a hick. No I think maybe the ick would be like here's the thing. I've watched somebody get the ick about me because I couldn't stop

laughing. Really? There was a guy on a train and he was a huge fat guy and he had all he was homeless he had all this shit on him you know what i mean and then he had a tiny tiny bicycle helmet on top of his head listen to me i could and he kept going like this he would fall asleep in the train and then he would slowly his bicycle helmet would hit the wall and then he would slowly get back up and i had a mask on but i was crying laughing i couldn't get it together my mask was getting wet with my tears i kept being like just

chill out jordan just chill out just chill out and then we got back to my house and the guy was like i don't think we can see each other anymore and i was like wow yeah wow yeah and he said because you were laughing and he didn't say but i, but I knew. Houseless individual. Because if you ever caught a laughing fit and you're like, I'm going to die. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, that gave somebody the ick. Here's the thing. Girls are evil because you'll do the ick and go, don't talk to me. I'm going to be cold now and make you wonder what's the matter with you

and then make you think something's diametrically wrong with you when in fact it's just my own thing because I'm fucked up. And guys will get the ick about a girl and go, you know what, I'll still fuck her. Yeah, yes, both evil. No, the guy's not evil. Yeah, but the guy's caught the ick. He doesn't want to be with her, but he'll still fuck her.

Yeah, because that's a nice thing. We're not trying to get fucked. We're trying to be with somebody. So somebody catching the ick and still fucking us is still evil how long until the ick doesn't matter like could you catch the ick after like a year i have really i have what was it he cut all his hair off and it was bad but i stayed with him but it was almost it was tough isn't that just being shallow no he just looked weird and it like looked weird he just shallow like a different only looking at looks okay okay shallow all right all right let me think jordan's a fucking kiddie pool because yeah we got it she's shallow and

she was probably in it with her stepbrother there's piss everywhere there's piss everywhere. There's piss everywhere. She likes when little kids piss in her. In her! Fill me up before you go, go. Don't want you to be slow. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've caught the ick. Somebody dealing with death in a bad way. I caught the ick because somebody couldn't get over the death of an animal their pet died that gave me the ick i feel guilty about

it but i got the ick it was years later well what what do you mean they couldn't get over it keep crying about it no really is it someone we know no what What? Dan Natterman kept crying. We'd be like driving and I would be like, what's wrong? No, I'm just upset. The family got... No. No.

Whatever. Don't. You're going to get us in trouble. I don't want to get in trouble. I thought only two people were watching it. Yeah, you're right. Anyway. No, I'm not. It was. If you're a Syrian refugee, hit us up in the comments. Yeah.

Yeah. Being too sentimental. I'll get you, Nick. Yeah. Come on. You can think of a time when a girl did something. i was talking to louis about it the other day when he caught the about a girl what was it she it was so funny he goes he goes i was talking to her and then she somebody said something and they were like oh that's cool and she was like can i just say anybody who describes anything as cool like is

seriously lacking in vocab something like that and he was like okay yeah that's again that i don't know if he catches the egg maybe that's an ick yeah but just when you hear something where you're like oh i think being somebody can vote for trump i won't catch the ick i think i think that'll make me harder i think catching the ick is a sign of supreme confidence because you believe you know what you want you know what you don't want and you know that you will find someone else and that you're willing to drop this connection with someone based off an arbitrary thing that makes you feel weird yeah if somebody drives with 10 and 2 i catch sick what like when somebody drives with two hands. Really?

Oh. Wow. What are you doing? If you're not adept with a vehicular device fuck you. How do men like that's why there's so many incels because these fucking losers are just existing and these girls are like you blank weird. But I am particularly bad. I am not. You eat a mozzarella stick wrong.

My mom is like this. My mom is like she will date the most beautiful women the cornell professors who are like 28 years old like the hottest women and they'll do one one woman i go why did you break up with her she was really into you and she goes she was always fixing her bangs she was always fix her bangs and i was like mom you're 62 years old and she was like it just was a sign of insecurity she was always preoccupied with her fucking hair. That's a direct quote. The Jensen family line.

The Cosentini's. The Cosentini family crest is a brain with spiders in it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time. My sister. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, there was something in the water up in Ithaca. They live like that. All of our faces are like this at people when they're talking. It's always this like, my mom, you'll talk to her and you'll be like, no, no, no, please don't do the face. And she's like, what you're saying is just so incredibly stupid. And you're like, no, please love me. Wow, look at that. That flew by.

Wait, what time is it? Oh. Oh, we gotta go, right? Yeah, you gotta shower. Yeah. Where are we going? Tell the people. Me and E.

We're going to Louis C.K., Joe List, Sarah Tolomash, Gugga Googie. They made a movie called Fourth of July. Really good. I haven't seen much. Bobby Kelly. Yes. Louis was editing it when I was on the road with him. Saw some of it.

Mike Vecchione, right? No. Katie Hannigan. Who else? Katie no Hannigan. Katie Hannigan. All right. That's the show.

Woo! All right, that's the show. Woo! Put that one in the books, baby. What? Did we just become best friends? Yep. Great. Woo!