Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein Ian With Jordan Ep111: Cleveland LIVE W/ Jami Morgan , Joe Briggs , & Mike Strenk

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

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Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Meow.

Hi, everybody. Hey. Hi everybody! Thank you so much for coming out to the live Be A Indian with Jordan at Hilarity's Comedy Club in fucking Cleveland. This is amazing. Thank you guys. This is awesome. I was in Winnipeg this weekend. What, what, what? I showed you this, someone made us this.

That, that's our centerpiece? That's crazy, this is gonna be on, we're recording that, you're saying that- Yeah, we don't have a fucking centerpiece. That shit that like a- I didn't bring, cause I came from fucking Canada. Stop, I put this together.

It looks bad, bro. Ugh, it's good to be here. I put this together. It looks bad, bro. Ugh! It's good to be here. Uh, I can't... I was in Winnipeg this weekend. Did she look scared? Oh, yeah. She ate Jordan's Invisalign.

By the way. Yeah. What's she doing? She's not. She's fine. She's she doing? She's not, she's fine. Oh. She's just sleepy. Oh, okay.

She's sleepy. Someone made us that, they took their time to make that for us and I wanted to put it up here as like a nice, it was nice. I get it, it looks like shit. I'm sorry, dude. It doesn't look like shit. Dude, it's like graffiti fan art.

It's very nice for you to like put in a, on a stack. But someone made that for us. Okay, this is like a live pod. This entire room is full of people and the centerpiece is gonna be some like weird small graffiti art. I'm not doing that. That looks like shit. I don't even like that that metal man is over there. I don't like that.

Why is there a boy... on staves... holding a lamp? It's like everybody watching the live pod is gonna be like, what is this weird graffiti? You know what I mean? There's no, your whole house looks like that where it's just like plastered with weird things that people have given you.

But you just, at some point you gotta be like, this is my space and I want it clean. You feel good, yeah. No, you're supposed to take everything anyone has ever given to you, and put it everywhere in your home. Including tattoos permanently forever. Bugs, what do you detest?

And I just got a new one. I hate it so much. I need you to know something. I'm three days pre-period. You're always three days pre-period. You're always three days pre-period. Everything is always... I'm PMSing. By the way, from... I'll kick you in the skull and crush it in.

I will crush that in the skull. I will fart on you. You win. Yes. I was at the Minneapolis airport, smoking in the family restroom, and I got you... Unacceptable. Unacceptable.

I don't want anything you got me. I don't because you stole it. No, from the machine. I got you a pad and a tampon because I figured you were on your period. No, I don't use pads or tampons. I free bleed down my leg like a family member. Well, if you need to sop it up,

I've got things for you. I don't need that. I wear period underwear. You know what that is? It's underwear that fills up with blood and then I put in my hamper and then Coyote finds it I don't need that. I wear period underwear. You know what that is? It's underwear that fills up with blood and then I put in my hamper and then Coyote finds it and she chews it into it. That's what that is.

It's huge, dude. It's amazing. It's a giant diaper. It rips. It's awesome. I wanna wear them when I'm not on my period. Do you wear more than one at a time? No, one pair of underwear

and then I go into the sink, I take Dr. Bronner's and I rinse it out. So all the blood doth runneth. All the blood, did you hear me? Are you living on the frontier times? Yes, yes, yes. And then I hang it up in front of my AC unit so it dries out. And then, listen to me, and then the next day, it's stiff as a fucking bull.

And I crack it onto my body again. Your voice just smells like iron. I do, yeah. Ugh, welcome to the nickel factory. I have a gentleman caller coming over tonight. Don't mind me, it's not spaghetti sauce, it's the Lord ripping my insides out.

I got you a bib. Oh. She's not even a little, there's not even a little like, she's just a little. Oh cool, congrats. Okay, I just wanted you to know that. I just wanted you guys to know that, I don't know if she likes being up here.

She had the option to stay back there. This dude gave me this ring last night, it's like a mood ring, he might be here tonight, are you? Yeah. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! What? That was... That was the most... Oh my God. The most awesome! The meekest yes.

It sounds like that little boy just talked. Yeah. That was crazy. The pause was epic. But dude, you didn't tell me that like, it's like a numerology, like a number on here, lights up. Do you know that? Like it's not showing anything right now,

but like if I put it underwater or my mood change, a number pops up that's like 33, between 33 and 37, which feels like it's telling me how old I looked that day. Wait. It's not gonna show you, because it's not showing a number, but I swear to God. Oh, there's a little, it looks like a C.

No, that's just a C, that's always there, but I swear to God, a number pops up and it'll be like 35, and I'm like, oh my God. What do the numbers mean, little boy? Then I gotta, yeah, do you know what the numbers mean? I ain't no little boy. Oh! Oh my God!

Holy shit. He's trying to win me over. Whoa. Wait, it sounded like he was over there, and then on the way over there, he turned black. I don't know what happened. He was like, yes! He was like, hey, motherfucker, I ain't a boy.

Yeah, the whole time we were explaining the numerology thing, he was just like, you got a man up, dude. He has a weak little yet. He was like charging up. He has a weak little yank. He's got a little green one mask. He was like, charging up. This is some fucking manliness. So what do the numbers mean, sir? Temperature and Celsius.

Okay, that's why it has a C on it. That makes sense. I understand. And a little degree sign next to the C. Nice. Coyote, do you want to go in the green room? He got you an old Apple watch. That's kind of cool.

Jordan thinks my... I got a new tattoo. It's so fucked up. It's so cool. You're so... Go ahead. No, what am I? Tell me what I am so. You're like my father, dude. Like, everything he did was so cringy.

It's like, I would come, he would come, I'd come down to the basement, and he'd be like, I'd be like, what are you doing? And he's like, I'm carving a wooden bear, but I'm gonna have it holding a gun, so instead of bear arms, it's arm bears. Like, you have... Dude, I would put that in my fucking apartment.

You got a fucking Homer Simpson next to Bart Simpson, so now you have, and then Marge on your toes, so you have a, you have a Simpson... Thank you! Thank you!ge on your toes so you have a you have a Simpson thank you thank you know what Jordan don't tread on me or I'll come thank you yes I have Bart Simpson on a skateboard and says she's hot do you? that means nothing to me you're nine years old and tattooed. Anybody can tattoo. You're 34? She's in the-

Have you been to jail? Yeah. You have not. You're a liar. Have you? For what? Really? No.

Okay, you're psychotic and you're like a Homer Simpson foot. No, I have a Simpson's foot. I have Bart Simpson on a skateboard. Did you say that again? Eat my shorts. Say that again. I have a Simpson foot. You. Did you say that again? Say that again. I have a Simpsons foot, you gotta accept it. You don't mind that?

Why would I care? Just saying the words out loud, I have a Simpsons foot. It's a Simpsons foot. Don't you ever, you know what, if you did any mushrooms, you should never do mushrooms. I did mushrooms. You would wake up in the middle of the night and you'd be like, do I have a Simpsons foot?

No! Dude, the first time I did mushrooms was 3 a.m. in the middle of the night, and I ate a whole entire bag, and we were watching Entourage, and Vinny Chase's face melted off, and then I went to the corner of the room and just started punching the walls

because I was trying to get out of my own death. Yeah. So I have a Simpsons foot. I was trying to get out of my own death. Yeah. Rules. Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to get out of my own death rules. Yeah. Yeah, I've tried to get out of my own death before, when you're the only one walking yourself to the death. Well, I can't do, even the first time I did-

I don't think you should ever do psilocybin. You would realize out loud to yourself what has happened. You would realize you have Bugs Bunny tattooed next to Taz permanently on your body and you want to scrape your flesh off. Yeah, I do have Bugs Bunny holding a gun like Scarface next to a f***ing taz. That girl will have sex with you. Why not? She's totally willing to have sex with you.

Anybody who goes yay to a homer foot is down the road. No look it's Bart Simpson on a skateboard. She has borderline personality disorder and she will suck your c*** aggressively. Yes. Sounds like a go. I know. Your feet lifted off the ground. Only if I can bring the boy. Only if he watches. No, I have Bart Simpson on a skateboard. He says, eat my shorts. Yeah, that's awesome. I liked that. So then what's so bad about Homer going,

oh. Because it's such a like old dude thing to do, to be like, have you ever been- I'm an old dude! Yeah, but it's like, this is my collection. I put my simpsons stuff here, and it's like your body, it's brutal, dude. And then I have a Marge on my toes underneath, and I took a picture and I send it to my mom, I go, mom, I'm Bart, Dad's Homer, you're Marge.

And she said, what the fuck have you done now? Oh, I thought she said that. You said that? She said that. She said, what the fuck have you done? I thought she said, I'm Homer. I thought your mom who has, who's, you know, old said that. But you said that? No, I said that.

That doesn't even make sense. You're just categorizing things again like an old man. No, it's a family. What do you mean, you're Marge? I'm Bart, the son, Homer's the dad, and my mom's Marge. So now you're saying that you got Simpson's foot for your deceased father

and your dilapidated family? Yeah. No, you must see. Yeah. You need to spend a week alone. I'm alone all the time. No, you're not. You're on the phone. You need a week alone? I'm alone all the time. No, you're not. You're on the phone.

You need a week alone to reflect. On what? On why you have Marge tattooed on your toes. Well, I'm gonna get Homer on the other toes. That doesn't fit. And then I'm gonna get Jordan on my... ...hiney. You don't like it.

I hate it. Who cares? I... Don't ask me if I like it and then go, who cares when I say, yes. I hate it. Who cares? Don't ask me if I like it and then go, who cares when I say, yes, I hate it. My wife likes it. I don't like category. Like, it's like if somebody had all color on one sleeve

and all black and white on the other. It's gay. You're like, what are you, con? You're an adult and you think things are gay. Who cares? Let people get a Homer Simpson quote. I'm letting you, but you sent me a picture of your disgusting toes with all of the Simpsons on it. You go, you're such an old goober. You are.

I need, I forgot to bring a beverage out. Where's Sam? Sam? Love of my life? No, I don't want you. Yes. Um... That's how bad I'm pan-messing. No, I don't want to give it, please. Oh, dude, I'm so fucking tired.

I was in Winnipeg this weekend. Shout-out, Manitoba. Meth-a-tober. Yeah, Winnipeg, Manitoba. I took three planes to get here today. Did not sleep last night. When did you sleep? Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Uh, cause the show, we, I got wrapped up at like midnight and then I went out with a bunch of people and I just stayed up. Wait, wait, hold on, what? So you had all this stuff but then you didn't sleep cause you went out with all these people.

I was afraid if I went to sleep I'd over sleep and miss my flight. So when I have early morning flights I stay up cause I'm afraid I'm gonna sleep and then kick my arm. And then you got here and you slept all day. No, I got here at 1.30 and I slept till 5. Just a pill. Listen, I need you to spend the week alone.

I need you to do that. That's what I need you to do. I need you to look in the face of God. I'm gonna dose you with mushrooms. I'll fucking, I'll try to bite my fingers off. Don't do it. I think that'll be good for you. The first time I ever did like a creamy gravity bong, I-

Ew, ew, never say the word creamy. You know what I mean? Like a milky fucking creamy gravity bong? Yeah, we know what you mean, but just coming out of your mouth is really scary. Yeah. Creamy is really scary. Yeah. To me, it's really gross. Yeah, I sucked back a creamy semen gravity bong.

A cum bong. No, I, that guy said, you sure make sense. I got so fucked up, I tried to bite my fingers off and my friends had to sit on my chest and call 911. I know all about that, dude. I've tried to swallow my own tongue. I've tried to bite my tongue off. I wanted to skin my own skin off because I was obsessed with my nerve endings

feeling the wind. Wow. You know what? It was really driving me crazy because if you go like this and then blow there, you can feel cold air. But so I wanted to take a knife and cut down my fingers so that I could feel cold air inside the fingers. I don't feel cold air.

Yeah, it doesn't, you don't have to lick it to feel the cold air. But you're never gonna feel it in there. That's always just gonna be dead, nothing. You'll never feel it inside there. In there will never feel a cool breeze. Does this bother you? Is this an analogy for you?

There's... Inside will never feel. Love of my life. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. What time are you flying out tomorrow? Is that a beer? Don't give her a beer. It's cold brew. Okay, that's fine.

Give it to the boy. Give it to the boy? All right, take it easy. You've mentioned calm and now a boy. You need to... You're a little excited. Open up! Take it easy, you've mentioned calm and now a boy. You need to, you're a little excited. Last time I tripped on acid, I cured my, thank you. Very strong. I cured my own OCD in my room alone.

And I cured my OCD because I was worried that I was gonna kill myself. Do you really wanna know? Well, actually, yeah, I'll tell you. Because I was worried that I was gonna kill myself. Do you really wanna know? Well, actually, yeah, I'll tell you. Because I was worried that I was gonna kill myself because it was May 23rd and I walked past this weird guy on the street and he goes, you're famous.

And I didn't know what that meant. And then I looked on the front cover of the newspaper in Ithaca and it was a picture of me holding a hoe like this. And then- What? Yeah. Why were you holding a hoe?

Because I had gone to Ecuador to build a house for some poor people for some reason, because dad sent me because I was a bad kid And then so they put me on the front pit So and I thought because May 23rd May is my birthday month the 23 is my lucky number Michael Jordan's Jersey number I thought that I was supposed to kill myself that day so then I went upstairs in my room To consider whether or not I was supposed to die and then I realized that all of my OCD was me being worried that I Was going to hurt somebody or kill myself, and then I was supposed to die. And then I realized that all of my OCD was me being worried that I was going to hurt somebody or kill myself. And then I was like, I took a notebook out and I wrote down,

I was like, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. And I figured out that what it was, was I didn't really understand what made anybody, like what made Ian Ian or what made Jordan Jordan or what at any point makes Jordan somebody who would stab Ian with the fucking, you know? And then I realized after eight hours of watching the sky turn from ballerinas into skulls,

depending on if I was having a positive or negative thought, I realized that the only thing that was determining who I was with every moment leading up to now and every moment up until now, I had chose what is best for myself. And at this point I had become an adult and I could just kind of lean back and trust that I was gonna do the right thing.

And it really helped with my OCD. Because remember I told you, I was like a contractor and I was worried I was going to jump off the roof. I was worried I was going to put a nail gun through my head. Like I could, I was in philosophy class one time and I was obsessed. I was worried that I was going to attack the professor's arm like that.

And then I realized that I wasn't going to do that because at some point I'd go like this and you go, what are you doing? And I go, I'm sorry, I had an intrusive thought. I was going to bite you, dude. You know what I mean? Like. Would it be funny if that article was just

that quote you just gave? Yeah, yeah, yeah, if I read that. They're like, local psycho makes good. Yeah, and I have done it. One time I was on a, what do you call those things that you go skiing? Ski lift. Ski lift. And I jumped off of it.

Cause I was like, what if I just jumped up and I jumped off? But I was totally fine. That's the thing, is there was a mountain that came up and met the ski lift a little bit. So I only jumped like eight feet. And I was like, because I knew that wouldn't hurt. Yeah. And I knew that I wanted to do it.

And I also knew it wouldn't hurt. And I didn't jump it when it was at the highest peak where I would have died. And I landed and I didn't even drop my coffee. And then I hit the ground. And my gay friend, Sean Corbin, who's just like you, like if me and you had grown up together,

he would have been you. He was always obsessed with French kissing me, but he was gay. Dude, same guy. He's the same guy. I can't wait for you to meet him. Shout out, Sean Corbin. I landed, hit the snow, and then I get up

and I'm like, wow, nothing happened. And then he landed on top of my head. He was like, I was just gonna jump in after you to save you. And I was like, well, you crushed my spine. So, you love him. He went like this one time, he called me when he was my boyfriend in kindergarten,

he goes, he leaves a... He left a voicemail going like this, near, far, wherever you are. Okay, and then I came in and I heard his voice and I was like, what is that? And I see my dad, my mom's entire construction crew is all, I was all around this answering machine, laughing hysterically. And I was like, what is that? And he called my mom's office instead of my homeland because they were in the same.

Oh, no wonder he's gay. That would turn anyone. Yeah. The trombone player in my ska band in high school. Um... Um... I have no idea why they're laughing. He... he had an incident on a ski lift.

You just jerked off on one. Wait, come on. Isn't that weird? Right? We had to sleep over. I was like, where's the craziest place he ever jerked off? And I was like, my grandmom's basement.

He was like, a ski lift. Look. Do you guys want to know what I did? You know the game Heads Up that we're obsessed with? Come up here so I can kick your shit in. I made Heads Up out of these things, out of my posters. You guys can buy them if you want, they're $20. And I made Heads Up to put on Ian's head, and you guys shout out at him so he can guess, okay?

Because he hasn't seen them. Do you want to play? We have to bring Joe and Mike up. No, let's play this first, and then we bring them up. Play this first, and then bring them up. Play this first and then bring them up. Okay. Because Joe's going to read the thing. Oh yeah, we're going to try to get our friend laid. Ready? What?

Wait, I don't know what she put on this, and I'm very nervous. No, no, they're nice. No, they're not. I swear to God they are. You've never done a nice thing. They're nice. Are you sure?

I swear to God. Promise on our friendship. I promise on our friendship. What's the last one? If they're mean, you have to kiss me. If they're sure? I swear to God. Promise on our friendship. I promise on our friendship. What's the last one? If they're mean, you have to kiss me. If they're mean, I'll kiss you. Wait, let me make sure the last one isn't mean. Oh yeah, they're all so sweet, dude.

They're so sweet. Yeah. Not like sweet, but good, you know? Okay. Okay, ready, set. Can you read this? Okay, go, go, give him hints, go. Weasel, man.

I got it! Okay, go again, go again! Oh my God! Go! Go! You! Crab man! Yeah!

Spider man! My favorite food. I love it. I love it. It's my favorite I love it. You love it. I love it. It's my favorite food. Whipped cream! Yeah! Oh, that was great!

I told you. Oh, wow. Just what I think you're gonna destroy me publicly. You're very nice. I thought you were gonna put, like, my Social Security number on there. You're not eating them, though, dude.

Those are fucking good. Okay. Yo, how good is the food here, by the way? Oh, good. Yo, also, make sure you take care of the wait staff tonight, okay? Give them a round of applause right now. Take care of the wait staff.

Wait, I wanna say, I've been here all weekend. This is, of all the clubs I have done anywhere, this is my favorite club, including The Cellar, including all of them, this is the best club. By far and away. The audience, you guys are never too fucked up. You're respectful, you're so fun. The meet and greets have been smooth.

I love you, Cleveland rules. Cleveland rules. I'm totally in love with this place. I know I'm PMSing, but I've had one of the best weekends of my life, for real. It's Ian's here now, so it's a little, you know what I mean, but before that, yeah, yeah. I'm headlining here November 17th,

so go ahead and get tickets. Yes. And, woo! Next, ooh, September 18th, I'm throwing out a first pitch at a Cleveland Guardians game. Do you wanna come? When is it? September 18th. I'm in LA. No, you're not. I is it? September 18th.

I'm in LA. No, you're not. I'm not, I know your schedule. Where am I? No, you're in LA the week before. Who am I on the 18th? With me. No.

No excuse. No, I'm doing that fucking Ohio run. Oh, that's fine. No, are we in Ohio? I'm doing another fucking Ohio run. Is Toledo in Ohio? Dude, I've been in Ohio like five times this year. Why are we doing that?

Because Ohio's great. Oh, juggle Ohio. I know, but I'm gonna do funny bones after hilarious songs. It's fine, it'll be fine. I have to fart. Don't, please don't, don't, please don't, please don't go to the borderline girl.

She loves you. Doesn't she look like Sienna so much? You look like one of your ex-girlfriends, hardcore. It's crazy. Husband, okay, bye bye. Anyway, we have some guests. Wait, your husband, what, what? Really? You didn't have to say that.

She goes, Andy's balding. You could have just said my husband's name is Ian and he is a mustache. You have a husband? Wow. Will you give me a tattoo for free? Okay. All right. You're back in.

She doesn't have borderline. She's perfectly healthy. She's securely attached. Securely attached. Okay. We have two guests. We have three guests. No. The third one is going to come out, yeah, all at once. No. No, just the two less important ones.

These guys, these guys are less important. No they're not, they're equally important, they're our friends. Yes, on like a Gaia Mother Earth scale, they're, we're all the same amount of importance. But on like a guest scale, these are like the sub-guests. Don't you say that! Don't say that! But I've spent all weekend with them. They crush a comedy. They're the best boys ever.

They're so lucid. They're so intelligent. They're such a fun hang. They're not as cool as our last guest, but they're really cool. Who was our last guest? Our last on the list guest. Oh, I thought you meant on the last episode. I know, isn't that crazy how English works,

that it last and last? Isn't that fucked up? Yeah. You know what I mean? What about lay and lied? Do you know when to use that? Lay down. I'm gonna lie down.

Lay down. Lay down. Fucking no idea, dog. I got laid. Why don't you say I got lied? Because lied means that you lied about something. But what if you lay? What if you lied about getting laid?

Then you lied. What if you lay about getting lied? Lay. That doesn't make sense. You just flipped what I said to make it sound like you had your own idea. Oh, there's a dog. All right, our guests are friends of ours.

They're very wonderful. We are so happy they're here. And actually, one of them was the very first guest we ever had on Patreon. Whoa. Yeah. Yep. Cool, huh?

And the other one, hardcore fan. Annie opened for me in Cincinnati. Not a fan of us, a hardcore fan. And it was really fun and we listened to Pantera the whole way there and every time he comes to New York we go to record stores and I value him as a person. Everybody start clapping for Joe Briggs and Mike String! Hey! Hey guys, how's it going? Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. Thanks for coming. Yeah. Well, you guys live here, so.

Look who it is! Yeah. So, oh, look at her. Look at her. Her little ears are back. You don't even fucking know how cute she is. Look at this fucking dog, you guys. Why don't you get a portrait of her tattooed on you?

Oh, I want to. Do you want to know why I'm worried? I'm worried that I will get a portrait of her, and then people will be like, is that because your dog is dead, and enough energy will go out there like that, and then something will happen to her, and that's what my OCD is telling me.

I had my dog's name tattooed on my foot, Lucy. She's dead. Well, everybody dies. She didn't die for like 10 years after I got it done. I had my mom's name tattooed on me, but that's wishful thinking. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Next li-pod, you see me with just Jordan all over my body. Ha ha ha ha. Like the Joker with the ha ha ha ha ha. These guys are both criminally single. Joe just went through a break up.

Let's get you a joke. Do you know how fucked up it is that today we went to the dog park. Joe was talking to me about his break up for hours. Okay. I need to work out because I gotta stay ripped. And then, and he's like, I gotta pick up my suit. And I was like, why? And he's like, because you and Ian want it.

And I just in my head was like, okay, we drove 45 minutes to get this fucking suit. For nothing, for literally nothing. You know what it is for something? Because we're gonna- Guys, it's you told him to wear his suit. Dude, what is going on? What do I say?

Is my mania just out of control that I say shit and I don't even know why? You don't realize. Why do I have handcuffs? You literally said yesterday, if you wear his suit. Dude, what is going on? What do I say? Is my mania just out of control that I say shit and I don't even know why? You don't realize. Why do I have handcuffs? You literally said yesterday, if you wear the suit, you can be on the podcast. Did I say that? Yeah. That was what, that was said.

Fuck, man. And then I was like, I have to get the suit. Literally, there's a text thread of her going, we should get a police officer's outfit and a judge outfit and we can do court things. And I did. And she goes, why the fuck did you bring that? Bro it is the mania like I don't know what I'm saying when I'm in it dude it's crazy It's not the mania you're this way all the time

Yeah I have bipolar disorder I have bipolar disorder and I'm not like that all the time You forget everything that you do Wait till tomorrow you realize you have a Bart Simpson tattoo you want me pissed as hell dude? Do you guys want to see it? It's so gross. Put your feet away, your feet are disgusting pig feet. Ugh!

Let me cover my toes. Put it away, put it away. It's near the drinks of my dog. It's near the drinks of my dog. Please put it on your, please put the sock on. I really don't like it. All right, I'll put the sock on. It's putrid, you have putrid feet.

Nobody should have feet. What? They're just gross. I wish we all had stumps. Just no toes? Yeah, no toes. What do you have against toes? They're disgusting.

Why don't we just have a club? Why don't you just have it in like an elbow under there? You can eat your way into that. Eww. If you've got diabetes. I can eat my toes off. Sounds like get diabetes. Oh. Yeah. I thought you meant I could eat my own toes off. Sounds like a win-win. Yeah. Actually, no, it happened to my grandpa.

How do we auction the boys off? OK, are there any single women here tonight? Or any excitable men? That went very quiet. Yeah. Preferably the first option. Any men who would like to dabble with a man that looks like he sells sausage in Chicago. Yeah.

Oh, you say shavapi? But also remember the first option. Me and Coyote are both staring at these fries. We're like, what's up? Don't give them to the dog. You can give them to me. Thanks. These fries are banging. I know. Yeah, give them to me. Thanks You got the cream sauce

You got to get the sauce. Yeah, did you double dip? Okay, well, so we'll fucking so will you know each other? I'm sorry. Are you guys a couple? Hey, you know called you a slur This is I prefer not to do that on camera motherfucker What just happened? I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask a couple... Why do your lips always have to touch everything? Did my lips touch you? Oh, I didn't know, sorry. I think you guys should lady in the tramp one of them.

Ooh. Ooh. You. Me and Joe will. Yeah, we'll do that. We'll do that. In a heartbeat. Ooh, I'll do it with the yoni. Ooh, look at her be.

Joe and Mike should do it and you and I should do it. I feel really bad for taking these. Will you take them back? No. I mean, you didn't... Can we just go back? It's not out of the realm of... Why did I say it that way? It's not crazy to the realm of, why did I say it that way?

It's not crazy to ask a couple if they double-dipped, correct? That's what I'm saying, yeah. Because they kiss. What are you talking about? But you can double-dip if you're a couple. Joe and I share and we double-dipped all the time. Yeah, we just, Mike and I literally- No, no, no, no, no, no, I want.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Mike and I just double-dipped fries before this. I double-dipped. What if Joe was like, Mike and I just fucked? I mean... Yeah. No, we won it, right?

No, no, not yet. Right? We'll get there. You wish you had a mustache? Well, you all have mustaches. Yeah. We kind of need you to not have one though. Yeah.

All right. Well, you're kind of there. No. I'm trying. My fry was wet. Yeah, my fry was pretty gross. Yeah. No, they're like, that's grease, it's not wet.

Isn't it weird? Yeah, you like them. Hey, here's not wet. Isn't it weird? Eh, you don't have to. Hey, here's the thing. We gotta get these guys laid, okay? You don't have to, it's fine. He hasn't been with a woman in how long? A couple weeks. Oh, oh that was a joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Jordan was like, he hasn't got laid in a decade. And I was like, okay, I'll take that as a free. I know I have that energy, but. They're really sweet boys. He's 38. He's 30.

Yes. Two. One. One? One, 31. Sorry. Oh, 31. I thought you said wine.

31, baby. That's a single mom wall. He's got a huge cock. He has a weirdly tiny weird one. It's very weird. baby He has a weirdly tiny weird one it's very weird but it's really I have a very normal penis I would I would also say mine's like probably average if we're being honest would it be funny if on your license is like normal No, no. Why would you think that?

I said that. Oh yeah, that's why you would think that. How do you auction a person off? You tell them about the cock. Well, you do usually start with the penis. You start with the cock, yeah. Oh, we're supposed to do money for it? What do you do?

Go in once. That's what you do? I think so. I've never been. I'll do it, I'll do it like a car show. It's like a dating show. Okay. Oh. So we ask questions and they answer.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Hold on, before we auction them off. Oh my God, I can see his silhouette glowing in the darkness. Oh yeah, let's bring him out. Let's bring him out. You guys, this is the love of my life. He's the wolf of a man.

He's just, you guys all wanna fuck him. He's one of our favorite guests of all time. The second he left our podcast, me, Ethan, and Ian, Ethan went like this, do you guys like, and me and Ian at the same time were like, have a crush on Jamie, and all three of us were like, ah! Okay, here he is right now, the lead singer code Orange,

fave on the pod, the best dude you've ever met What's up, yes, hi Jamie What's up? Yes! Hi Jamie. Am I supposed to sit? Is this how we're sitting? I know thanks. There's room over here if you want to come here. Why do I feel like a small boy? You come over here. This is my girl here. Just get over. What's up? Look Ian. There's a lot of tension going on back there between you two. You know I got one in the chamber. Oh no. Don't. It's actually really fucked up. It's actually not okay to threaten somebody with that.

It's really fucked up. What is it? His farts are like, dude, Jamie will get stuck in your nose for three weeks. No, no, no, no, no. You won't be able to like eat for a week. You farted in the truck on the way here and it was wild. It's really fucked up. All right, Joe, you fucking dick.

I wasn't trying to be mean. I want to give them context. Oh, I know. I did. The windows were down. And it's still. Put the windows down, Joe. They were down.

Yeah. I had caramels at the Minneapolis area. It's not my fault. They were disgusting, the caramels. I could taste them. Did you eat it? Jordan ate it. It was good, right?

Yeah. OK, so for a dating show, we have to ask these guys questions of like, if you were to be in an open relationship, how would you pitch it to your girlfriend? And then you answer. Oh, that's a good idea. OK, you ask a question, I'll ask a question, then Jamie asks a question. Yeah, and then the crowd decides by a plaza meter that I'll go... And they'll decide which one's the most eligible bachelor, right? Yeah. I love how that first

question hit you real hard. I'm actually sweating now. He is very depressed about this girlfriend situation by the way. So show him a little love please. At one point should we put on the judge and cop costume? I have... where are the handcuffs? I have this belt. What happened to the costume? This belt... oh, excuse me, I'll get them. Sorry, okay. Where's my gavel? I don't know why we got the judge in the. You said to get it, so I got it.

We have so many ideas for tonight. Okay, first we're gonna auction them off and then we're gonna play judge and jury. Judge and jury, judge and jury. I don't know what it means either, but I thought maybe if I chanted it. The stripper cop outfit. Dirty mode yet, we're in auction mode.

Yeah, an auctioneer has a gavel. The gavel works for the gavel works for the 75, 35, 75, 35, 75. Going for the man with the pole exhaust. That works. Okay. First question for contestant number one, Mike. Okay. If you were to take, this is how they do it in the shows.

Yeah. If you were to take me. Which one is Mike? Who's Mike? Who's Mike? Fuck yeah. We've been hanging out with him for the past hour. We had a couple minutes.

I mean, this is very on the fly. If you were to take, also if you, no. If you were to take also if you know if you were to take me on a date. Are you going to fart? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the dog hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey She was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry that judge tried to kill you. She's wrecking him now. I saved you. You're back because I barked at him. Okay. I smelled it when you walked by. You look like my dad. He looks perverted, flat out perverted.

I need to give you a hug. One more time. Come on. Okay. Hi, come here. Oh, look at this little baby. She loves the parts. You have the same parts, you and her.

They're awful. Okay. If you were to take me on a date and halfway through the date I told you that I had outer labia that hung lower than the inner labia to the point in which I had to physically clothes clip them up, what would you say to me? Clothes clip them up. What would you say to me?

Clothes clip them with a clothes clip. Clothesline clip. Case dismissed. Case dismissed. What would you say? Wait, hold on, one question. Before we get into that, how would you bring this up at dinner? Yeah, what are we eating?

How would you address this? If you were out to eat with someone on a date? How would you go by the way? I? Go like this watch hold on oh It's all right to clip my inner labia in That's like a real mozzarella sticks kind of vibe You know what I mean like you're over over apps and you're like, by the way, by the way, it's got to be Matzah. By the way, I fall from the inside out.

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Shout it out. You can shout it out. Don't all rush to the stage. Just shh. Don't attack us. You think about it. Okay. We're the ones attacking.

Yeah. Mike, you're up. So I have to answer that question specifically? No, I'll do a better one. Okay. Mike. Yes. What was the last conversation you had with your mother? Uh...

The Guardians are not falling apart. You need to move on. That was about it. She was just complaining about sports. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baseball fans. So he's not funny, so that's one minus for us.

It's not a good joke. You said your mom and you bitched about sports? She bit, like as soon as something bad happens in sports, she will talk about it for two days. So it's a rough situation. Does your mom know I'm throwing out the first pitch at the Guardians game? I'll let her know. Please do. What is the Guardians? I've never heard of the Guardians.

Your hair, listen to me. The wig. What? You should wear the wig when you throw it out. Listen. The way that the hair is falling in your face, it's like a dude who goes to a fish fest and he brings his daughter. It's such a guy.

You know what I mean isn't a guy who's like dude we love each other we're fucking blood oh we are blood you're my kid like it's like that it really is so so crazy okay I like it Joe yes if you were to meet my mom and my mom asked you what your plans were for our future, what would you say to her? Joe! I mean like I'd just be like I'm gonna give your daughter a nice person And and apropos nothing would you like to buy some aluminum siding? Or a garage door.

I just respect her so much. Very good. And now ask Jamie a question. Jamie's not getting auctioned. I'll be auctioned. Yeah, let's. I want to be involved. You want to get auctioned? I'm ready. Dibs. I'll be auctioned. Yeah, let's, I want to be involved. You want to get auctioned? I'm ready.

Jamie! Yes. Num, num, num. What was that sinking noise you made? I'm fucking, these are off the top bro. You're winding up your thoughts. She hit the jewel a hard couple of times. If we were on a day and a man, we went to a restaurant and as we walked by a man, he touched my butt. What would you do? I would bring it up later down the street like I think something happened

in my peripheral, but I wasn't really sure what it was and pretend like I didn't really see what was going on, but truly would be the fear like in my soul. I saw completely HD, but I don't have the nuts. What would you do? I would speak to the manager for sure. I would get the manager involved a hundred percent and I would get that guy in there and have him fight him. Did I have a high five them and been like I get it did

that's actually the best comment. I caught him stealing in Saudi Arabian chopped his hand off Ian no weapon. That is the correct answer. Yeah, you know what I take. He's getting auctioned off in every fucking city. You know what I'm talking about. He doesn't need an auction. He has a sex problem. What? You're booked.

The tour is booked. Moving on. Moving on. I wouldn't high five him. I would probably apologize to him. I would grab his dick. You look like you'd ask for his power back. Take the power back.

Two more questions. The loser goes to jail. No, you're not playing. Why? I'm playing. I just want Coyote. Who's a chibi weebie? You are. What is the cop elements of this whole shit? I don't know.

You look like a sailor. Why is this a cop belt? Why does that come with the costume? I don't know, but that's like a early 2000's scene belt. It's great, dude. This is like forty dollars at a cop belt. Why does that come with a costume? I don't know, but... That's like an early 2000's scene belt. Yeah, that's it. It's great, dude. This is like $40 at a hot top. Yeah.

Speaking of which, I got... Ratchet! ...a corn and a Dephtone shirt from Spencer's Gift this weekend in Manitoba. Bro, that is so... Isn't it fucked up how Spencer's Gift has changed, though? It's all sex now. Who would've ever thought that was a... It used to be like fun stuff, like one of those balls that you touch and it was... Yeah, yeah, was yeah yeah yeah and now it's like a balls that you touch and you know that was a good rip.

That was great. Congratulations. Dude, Spencer's is so sexualized and back in the day the only sexual thing about it was a poster with a girl's ass holding a notebook and said study hard hard. No. Yeah. It would be very Homer with an alien cock and ball situation as well. But that was a little like, oh, playful. But now it's like some girl even was like, there's a lot of mm-mm-mm things here. And I was like, oh, that's an innocent place. What's mm-mm-mm?

Sex stuff. Mine. Yeah. If we were having sex and your dick became flaccid and I started crying because I thought it was about me. Asking for a friend. What would you say to me to make me feel better? Oh wow.

I would say it's not you, because this is, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Move to strike, that's a lie. Yeah. If she's not shaking, she's already... That's perjury, you're lying under oath. When he said you're the most beautiful person

I've ever seen, we made, like, very intense eye contact. Yeah, I was just looking at Joe that whole time. He looked right in my soul, and I was like, fuck, yes. I'd be like, I can't stop thinking about that guy at the restaurant who grabbed your ass. It makes me so mad I can't come. There you go. I'm hard.

Jamie. Yes. If you got flaccid during sex and then my feelings were hurt and I started crying, what would you say to me? What are you saying? If you got a softie while you were inside of me, I've been in this situation multiple times. What do you say brag? I'm usually I usually I'll burst into like pro mode. Yeah, promo mode. I'll be like you know, I just had

a hard day was. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff with my art and my music. Meanwhile, I'm just soft brother. You're just soft. You're like I got a lot of stuff with my art and my music. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm just soft, brother. You're just soft. You're like, I got a lot of things going on in my life right now, brother. But don't worry, I'm going to come back better than ever this Sunday. 8 p.m. Your pussy, my cock. Let's go. By the time, by the time that convo's done, you are kind of ready to go again. Once you let it out, you know, your once you see that bitch crying, you are kind of ready to go again.

Once you let it out, you know, you're... Once you see that bitch crying, you're like, I'm hard. I'm a little silly, dude. Joe, your turn. Honestly, yeah. You're soft. I'm sad. Tell me. Soft, sad. Mike's my best friend, so I'd probably call Mike

and ask him what to do. While you were in bed with your girlfriend? Well, why don't you fuck each other? Yeah, yeah, I'd be like, I gotta go piss real quick, and then I would just call Mike and be like, dude, it happened again. Get me hard, dude, get me hard. Mike, Mike, you've got 10 seconds, I'm phoning a friend. Get me hard, brother.

Yeah. Tell me about soccer league again. Just rub your mustache on the phone and I can hear it, come on. Whistle it. Do you wanna know, there's one right answer. Go ahead, come on. Whistle it. Do you want to know? There's one right answer. Go ahead, say it. Where else?

Jail. All right, I would say, hey, look, you know the score. I'm on antidepressants. Nope. Oh man. That's good, that's a very good one. The answer is, I'm intimidated by you because I like you so much, so my dick isn't working.

I've said that before. That's the lie you wanna tell. That's the lie. But it's true, it is true. Because sometimes guys get in their head because you're so nervous and excited, it's new pussy and the girl you wanna... She got that new pussy.

She got that new pussy. She got that new pussy. She got that on sale, lame, dead pussy. He's got one every damn day, a new one. Every day a new one for him. It's a different kind of problem. He just can't, your cock can't keep up with your brain anymore.

You're fucking so much every single day. Yeah, your cock is out somewhere fucking while you're here. Where's your cock? It's out fucking. Yeah. No, sometimes it is tough. I've been talking to my guy friends about-

Last question. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Dude, I'm PMSing until my ADD is like really fucked up. Please continue talking to my guy friends about- Last question. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Dude, I'm PMSing until my ADD is like really fucked up. Please continue talking to your guy friends. Please keep going. About sometimes you feel pressure when you're having sex because you want to perform well and then you get in your head and you can't get out of it and that affects how hard you are and then the girl will feel as if it's about her and it's not.

So you have to have open communication. You're talking right to my soul now, dude. Yeah. Am I right or am I wrong? Very right. And that's why you always eat their pussy first and make them cum. So it doesn't matter how good your performance is.

I hate that. Okay? That's the fucking secret. You fucking, you climb onto the clit like a barnacle on a boat, and you go toot toot, tuck tuck, vroom vroom. Ladies, you need to watch out for the open communication guys like this guy over here.

He's having a lot of open communications. He's communicating. Endless communication. It's so much better that you look like a founding father while you're doing this. I say, you must eat thy pussy. It's so much better that you look like a founding father. I say you must eat thy pussy first and foremost before you enter her vagina. That way you can have it close.

I like this. Okay. Last question. Last question? Did I say that already? It's going to be... Joe's real depressed. Do you guys want to make sure that no one wants to go on a date with him to? Oh, yeah. He is down. Why did I have an accident?

I'm just deflecting. I'm just scared. I had an accident. Huh? Huh? He's down, guys. No, it hurts. What's going on over here? I'm sucking all that cock.

You just pull him up. No, I haven't. It's I'm like a construction site. I'm like it's been thirty seven days since our last incident, but it's just me sucking cock. Okay, my what's up? We're at the audience. Okay, leave it! Rip it! Coyote, it's okay. Leave it, leave it.

Does it roll? You look so scary in the corner with the light on you like that with the wig. I know, doesn't it look hereditary? You gotta go in the crowd, that's part of the VIP experience. Let them feel you. Hereditary, but with farts. Yeah, that's me. Hereditary, but with farts. Instead of her up in the ceiling, sawing her head off,

he just, pfft. That's so funny. I made a stinky. OK, Mike. Let's hear it. If I wanted to have, um, pfft. Oh. Mike.

Yeah. If we were on our, what's a question people want to know let me ask a real Why don't we have the heart? Why don't we have? I'm running out here. Yeah. Hey. Hey Joe. Where are you going with that microphone? Jimmy Hendrix anyway, why don't if someone has a dating this having such a good time Joe Go up and bring the mic to them. Yeah. Yeah. Oh you hear that whore go get her Yes, where are you Now there are there oh

Thank you guys Guys I made it back here. We can't see you. It sounds like he's over there. And I just don't know where Joe is in his car salesman suit. Okay. Are there any vets here?

What? Veterans or veterinarians? Do you want to set this out to the troops? Can I get the dog a little potato? Yes, really you'd be crazy not to she says they have garlic on them. Don't take my family's dog eats no pizza guys. Do I come back up or do I just say I know it's really bad. You probably shouldn't give the dog truffle garlic fries.

I agree. OK? Thank you. Good call. There's salt. There's fucking other stuff. You're right. Thank you.

Yes. Joseph. They offered me food, so. You'd be crazy not to do that. I'll do that. People know what I'm talking about. I'm a doctor. Reflexes are good.

OK. Joe. Ask her who she is, what's her story, and her question for the dating panel. Yeah. Ooh, lights. Oh, wow! Hey, good work, guy. Thank you for the lights.

Who are you and what's your story? I'm Autumn. Autumn. Autumn, My favorite season. He's a pervert and he's horny constantly. I was just going to ask how many OnlyFans subscriptions you currently have. Oh my God, that's the best question. Who's that question for? Is that for everybody? That is the best question. Whoa! Yo! Who's that question for? Is that for everybody? All of us? Yo! That is the best bachelor question ever.

Mike, answer the fucking question, bitch. I... Lights down. I don't want us to make eye contact with you when you say the real answers. It's a boring answer for me. It's zero. I know. I know.

I steal my sexual... The judge has decreed you are a pussy. I know, I know. I apologize. Joe, how many OnlyFans? Dude, fucking zero. Really? Why me? Why do we need OnlyFans when we have each other?

Yeah. He's my OnlyFan, dude. I love this. You don't have subscriptions to OnlyFans? No, why did Mike not get grilled like this? I apologize, I just jerk off for free all of the time. Yeah, it's on the internet. I know.

Name the actual number, be honest. I think that it's important to support women. I agree, I agree. You mean men who look like women. Let's look at my OnlyFans subscriptions. Now, Girl Autumn, are you asking this question who look like women. Let's look at my OnlyFans subscriptions. Now, girl Autumn, are you asking this question because it's come up, and if a guy has OnlyFans subscriptions,

do you feel that that's like a red flag or something? Absolutely not. Autumn, do you have OnlyFans? Oh, she supports it. I'm not on her side. Shut the fuck up. Get back there. Autumn do you have an only fans? Do you?

You do. Autumn. Oh that's cool. Autumn. Autumn what are you doing after the show tonight? You're gonna get a message. You're gonna get a couple messages. I have a question for Autumn. Do you always just plug your business on the first date, motherfucker? Shut the fuck up! No, no, I know. I know. was just gonna say it was a good joke.

Autumn! Are you? So you're saying- Autumn, why don't you come up here? Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. You wanna come up? Is that what they said? Autumn, you're saying it's okay?

You want your guys- that you're dating to have OnlyFans? Yeah. Okay, we're not friends. Autumn, Autumn, come up here. And Autumn, come up. Yeah. Come on, come on, you don't have to.

Come on up, Autumn. Come on up, Autumn. Come on down, but you have to stand the whole time you can sit in the car chair on the side. No, it's the next. I said I might say yeah take my spot. Oh, there's multiple women coming. Oh is oh wow here. I'm moving to oh hey,

I'm guilty of having a boner. You have an OnlyFans, no way! Ha ha ha ha! Hey, are you her... Are you her handler? What is happening? Oh, you do? What do you guys do on them?

All the people with OnlyFans, come on up. Oh, he's making a list. You kind of got to do everything to make the money, you know? What stuff? I don't know. Pictures? Of course. Videos?

Of course. With other people? With my partner. Cool. Partner? See ya. Are you polyamorous or open? Showtime's over.

You're close? I'm more open. She's open. Which, wait, wait. I think we have, which boy would you would like to take home tonight? You can't have Jamie. What do you think, or better, Joe?

Oh, look, I already have him. Who wore a mic? Hold on, hold on, we gotta get talking to the mic. Look at, look at. Look at. Look at. Look at. Look at. the mic. Look at, look at. Yeah. Get back, get back, lay down. That's so nice. Coyote has a crush on you.

She said me, they chose me, dude. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. That's good. Well, that's amazing. We kinda have a gay thing for her. We have a gay thing for me. I sentence you to five hours of 69ing.

Is it 69? No breaks in between. Now, which one of our eligible bachelors do you like and what your autumn and who are you? You got this, man. It's time to get back in the game, brother. Thanks, man. Thanks. What's your name? Crooked organ. Crooked organ. That's not your Christian name. What's your name? Very death core band name. K.O.

K.O. Hold on. Like Mike Tyson. Crooked Orchid is her only fan's name. She's hugging your face. Crooked Orchid? I thought you said organ. Yeah, organ is what I heard. Like you would like, you're jammed out so hard, your organs were all crooked. It's like Jesus Christ. is what I heard like you would like your organs are your organs. Exactly what I thought as well. Firehouse idea on a that's a cool day. So you stand out crooked Oregon's crooked organs.

Something I'll never do you only take big ones. Good news, good news. You won't choose one of us. Got it. Ah. Now, which one of our eligible bachelors do you like? She likes that one. He's got a mustache. Beards.

We all have mustaches. Beards? None of them have beards. Hold on, I'm going to try to grow one of them. I mean, give me like three fucking months. Man. Whoa. Now, this is a bit fierce.

Which one of these guys do you like? Do you like this guy that looks like he can defend you in child court or... And I will. Do you like this one that looks like he owns a communist bookstore? Which one do you like? I don't know. He looks like a bona fide communist I mean he looks like G Jack like he's like the people need to understand means of production. Yeah Yeah, I

Know we're joking, but the USA is the best and we should Yeah, which one do you want the vegan? I'm bad. I'm vegetarian, but it's fine. I'm vegetarian. You're a wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your service for me. I sentence you to we got to go on a date. I think they might go on a real or rejection. All right. I was just kidding. There you go.

There you go. That's wonderful. Now, now let's ask, Joe, what would you do on your first date with Autumn? Meter partner? Did you ever? Hell yeah, dude. does he collect records too? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He sounds cool as hell.

Sounds pretty sick. All right. What about you? What would you do on your first date with Mike? Do you have a truck? Fuck no. Joe has a truck. I have a truck.

Joe's the winner. I can borrow Joe's truck though. No, you can't. I'd rent a truck. You'd rent a truck. On a first date, you'd rent a truck. Joe's the winner. I can borrow Joe's truck though. No you can't. I rent a truck. You rent a truck. On a first date you'd rent a truck. What are you, Timothy McVeigh? What the hell are you talking about?

I want to show you the government building in your town. Coyote. Hey. Truck sex? Truck sex. I am a different person. I've never had truck sex. Why wouldn't you say truck sex?

I've had so much truck sex. I have a question. Is truck sex? Truck sex. I am a different person. I've never had truck sex. Why wouldn't you say truck sex? I've had so much truck sex. I have a question. Is truck sex? I've had sex where your butt is against the, imagine the extended cab. Your butt is against the seat and your back feet are on the back window. I've done that.

Please. Yeah, I've done that. And bench truck sex too. I just want to say you cannot borrow my truck. Why? Because now I know what's going on. All right, let's go. I just want to say you cannot borrow my truck. Why? Because now I know what's going to happen. All right, let's go. I'll tell you what, babe.

We'll go to Home Depot, rent one of those trucks. I would love to. Oh my god. This girl's Moi Caliente. Yeah. Dude. I've never had a truck on a truck. Because they're Mexican.

Because they're all Mexican in Cape Town. I've never had sex on a truck, but I have gotten blown on a forklift. What do you think of that? That's pretty awesome. Good for you. How does that even happen? Have you had car sex? Were you standing on the forks like this?

And then she was just standing like this? Mike, I sentence you to making me giggle. Well, hey, give it up for Ben Organ and Amber. Autumn. Autumn. Thank you, guys. Thank you guys so much for coming on. No, you guys are fantastic. Thank you, ladies.

Oh, oh, oh, here, take a treat. Oh, you win a treat. Do you want candy? It's Cheetos, but Japanese. And a Harry Potter frog. That's for you. And, um, uh, ooh, a Bob Ross energy drink. What is that?

Uh, I don't know, but you're ripping all your water on us, so watch out. The fries are getting more wet. Would you also like Pop Rocks? Yes! I've never had a Pop Rocks blowjob. Pop Rocks blowjob? Whoa.

No, I haven't, but that's my father's name. Please, call it my father's name. Please call it. Call me. He's just creating ideas on there. Well, that was fun. Yeah, give them a round of applause. Whoo!

Coyotes, stay on the stage. Joe, who knew having a truck could get you laid? I know. That's incredible. Oh, it's happened. Yeah, stay on the stage. Wow. Joe, who knew having a truck could get you laid? That's incredible. I know. Oh, it's happened. Yeah, it's a thing. It's happened to me before.

I was dating a girl and she's like, you know what my favorite thing about you is? And I thought she was going to be like, you're funny. And she was like, you have a truck. And I was like, I like your smile, I guess. But she was just like, I like that you can go four by fouring. I was talking to my mom on the phone today, and Coyote started aggressively pulling me, and I was like, what do you want? And then I turned and looked,

and there was a man leaning against his truck smoking a cigarette, and I was like, what, you want me to go marry that guy? And then I saw that it was Joe, and I was like, ew, Coyote, no! That got so mean at the end. Yeah. I thought you were gonna be like,

he looked cool, and then you were like, ugh! No, no, no! No, no, he looked cool, but I know end. Yeah. I thought you were going to be like, he looked cool and then you were like, oh. No, no, no. No, no, you look cool but I know you. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just because I know you. Every time somebody gets an L, man, this happens. I love how we're treating you up here. It's really good. What?

You're doing great. Thanks, man. Okay, who wants to fuck Joe? No! Does anybody want Who wants to fuck Joe? Does anybody, was anybody want to have sex with Joe? I'm looking any hands? There she is right there. We got her. What's your name? Paxton. That's crazy. Sounds like a college quarterback. Very a store. You're fucking Joe later. You promised You're fucking Joe later, you promised. Do you have floral sheets? Do you have floral sheets?

What? Do you have floral sheets? I used to have floral sheets. Why do you know that? They were on sale at Target. I know this. Oh, shit. Oh, my god.

Did you already have sex with Paxton? I'm so uncomfortable that I don't know how to stick. Something's happening bad. My Paxton's got to go. My back is different. Yeah. You're a crooked organ. Oh, my goodness. how do you know here?

How do you know about my bed? How do you know about his bed, Paxton? Oh my. No, you answer, please. Oh, it's, is it better if you just scream into the ether? Guys, guys, guys. Let's let a woman speak. You're the one talking a lot.

He's the one. What? He's the one. That's not, he's telling? That's not very creepy and weird. It's scary. You intuited that I what else do you into it about Joe? Say more things about me, gypsy. What? What? I do drive it. I drive it. I drive a Tacoma. I drive a Tacoma. It's smaller

because I'm a boy. Not quite a man yet. Thank you Paxton. How do you know this though? You know how she knows. No I don't. I don't know if Paxton. You know, that might not be your real name. Yeah, you making up a name, Paxton. Hey, Paxton! I sentence you to tell the truth. We're all friends in here. God can't hurt you.

What the fuck just happened? Jordan! Shit! Shit! I have a message to send. What the fuck just happened? Jordan. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. All right, Jordan. Does anybody have any advice for me to answer or anything you want to say about here?

I think that's a good idea. I'm looking at the camera. Oh, while Jordan's on here, I can fart. No! Oh, no. I say fart. I'm Oh no. I say fart. I'm JK. Just let it go, bro. We both have Ian Finan shirts on, it's very silly.

What'd you say? We both have Ian Finan shirts on. You complimented his lobster shirt. You're gonna see this later because I sent you a message on Instagram. Oh, you hear that threat? He's got a lot of messages to go through. I know, but you were the first comedy show I ever saw,

and we're having a baby. And if it's a boy, I want the middle name to be Ian. No way! Aw! Oh, that's so cool! Aw, thank you. Do you think that's all over Ian? And if it's a girl, you need to name it Jordan.

Joe. Or a boy. For a boy? No, for a girl, middle name Joe. Hey Joe. Or a boy. For a boy? For a girl, middle name Joe. That's a good one. Hey, that's really sweet. I've tried to get relatives of mine to name their kids after me, and they won't.

There's a person to name their dog, Jordan. I swear to God, my cousin Lizzie. All right, anybody else who doesn't want to compliment Ian? I swear to God, my cousin Lizzie, in 2011, I did a comedy contest. No, 2012. And I said, hey, if you, if I, they said if you win,

we'll name our son after you. And I go, oh my God, and I won the competition. They go, well we didn't really think that we should. So they named him Jackson instead. Doesn't that suck? Jackson. Okay, my question is for you. How do you feel as a woman that's funny?

Do you feel like you intimidate a lot of people? Your boyfriend is cowering in fear as I stand over him. Yes, it's very intimidating being a funny woman. I literally went on a date the other day with a guy who was like, I didn't want to go out with you because I thought you would make fun of my body and face and penis. And I was like, okay, well, now I know to not look at...

to never have sex with you, bitch. Yeah. But yeah, I... It does make it... Yeah, I don't get DM'd unless it's guys being like, my girlfriend loves you. She has yeast infections like you do. Eww! being like, my girlfriend loves you. She has yeast infections like you do. Ew! What did you just say?

Jordan, I have a question. That was a good question, by the way. I'd like to ask a follow-up. Every funny guy gets fucked. Every funny girl gets fucked emotionally. You know what I mean? All funny. Literally, Stavros gets all the sex he wants. Ian will get laid tonight in that wig,

and I will get a DM from a guy being like, I got hit in the head with a baseball bat as a child, so for some reason, I think you're kind of attractive. Ha! Jordan, you could totally get laid, but any time a guy would approach, you'd be like, uh, do you think that your penis has the ability to feel on the inside?

And you'd say, is the urethra like a highway that only a car made of semen can go through? And you'd be like, bitch, what the fuck? So it's all that Zodiac Killer OCD story she was telling earlier. Oh, I see, because of my answer. He'd try to finger you, and you'd be like, do you think the inside of the finger

can feel how wet I am? And he's like, I believe. I believe. Well, do I wanna know? I do have a question though, Jordan. As someone that is incredibly funny, you know. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a. Very pretty, but intimidating.

I have a big vagina for a face. How can a guy get past that intimidating feeling on a date with you? I'm a baby. I'm baby Ian. I'm a baby. What? What's happening? I'm a little baby Ian. Sorry, I didn't hear you. Were you talking in baby voice? I'm putting you in contempt for being a cunt. Let's move on. You can get, you can, if you wanna be, and today you say, you have to be slightly mean to me and say your face is kinda weird, but I'm, but,

let's, I don't know the answer. You have to never ever come near me and then you have to date me for two years and then break up with me brutally and then come back four months later and say, I was just kidding, I fucked a couple girls and I like you better. And then I'll go, oh my God, that's so nice.

I'm not just gonna come up to you tonight hating you for having a gal with me, except, Faddy, you wanna go out, you dumb bitch? Oh, you wanna know? I'm gonna hump your leg like a dog. Or, you know what really is hot to me when dudes are like, what's up, Jensen? If you call me by my last name,

it triggers some childhood like coach thing in me and I'm fucking hard as hell. All right, other any hands hands if you have them what I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming up right now. Where is she? I'm back here. There we go. All right I got two I need advice from Ian and I got a question for you. Your voice is scary. Introduce yourself what's your back. Introduce yourself. What's your name, bro? Bill. Hi, Bill. Nice to meet you. But uh, how do you travel with that knife? I need to know. Don't give him advice. That is not a guy who needs to know how to travel with a knife. No, I did not trust Bill. I'm the one that makes the law. He checks a bag. Yeah, I put it in my shade bag and I check I check it. I

bring it on a plane. Yeah, so just take your weapons and check them in your bag. I'm always think about it. Bill do not think about it. That guy's on a no-fly list. Yeah, wait, why did I just give up? Plane hijack. He's got that voice. On Raya, how many finance guys have you met? I don't, nobody matches with me on Raya. Literally zero. Except for, why do you say that?

Dude, I'll show you right now, bro. Huh? My Raya picture is me strangling TJ Miller. No, I'm telling you, the guys I match with are all like, they're Jewish, small, arty dudes. Sorry. And the finance, no, I've matched with some, the finance bros, I, no, I don't even,

you know what happens, you match, but on Raya, the dudes are are like you gotta say something to me and I don't do it But I just treat it like a video game where I just and I always say no to people if they're too hot So I say no to all the finance rose because they look like they kick cats You know what I mean? They look like Jesus. I'm gonna look at the finance tinder right now fucking hell But on he doesn't pay for this this. I'm going to look at the fight and Tinder right now. Fucking hell, is that your tender, but on on he doesn't pay for the shit I clean up God two thousand two hundred something likes everybody what this guy's stacked.

Oh my God, Ian, stop bouncing your knees together with joy thousands trying to get at this man on t Tinder right now. What's up? Yeah, I'll sign these. They're asking for an autograph, Ian, just so you know. Oh, hell yeah. Cool. So that dork might name their kid after you, but I'm giving this bitch an autograph, so. You're not a dork.

He's going to grow up to be a very nice man. I'm happy for you. Thank you. We're doing a meet and greet afterwards. We have shirts and stuff if you guys want to take a picture. We're doing a meet and greet after this. We have shirts and stuff. We're going to meet after the show. Yeah. Okay. Does any other questions? Oh, just yell it out because we're tired. I wouldn't want to. Wait, hold on. this guy needs a microphone. Give that guy a microphone. Some voice in the darkness is just like,

blah, blah, blah, abortion! What are you doing? Who hurt you? LAUGHTER What's up, Jensen? Oh! If you have to go about getting an abortion, what are you doing?

What does that mean? Wait, hold on, hold on. There's some mad libs of words. Grammatically, that's a crazy sentence. Are you saying if you have to get an abortion, how do you do it? OK. You leave Ohio. Yeah, dude. Oh, for the dating show.

You gotta go somewhere else. Oh, wait. Are you not allowed to get abortions here? No, you can, but. Sir, have you had to give a girl an abortion? Have you had to get an abortion before? No. Good job. Liar. Perjury. The way you get an abortion is you say how much is it gonna cost and they say $500 and you say okay listen this is a really big deal

emotionally and physically so I want you to be able to take some time off work okay we're gonna stop up stock up your cabinets with some snacky snacks and goodies, and we're gonna make sure that your Netflix is packed with super fun true crime stuff for you to watch, because you're gonna take a few days off, because not only are you kind of losing the possibility of having a child, which is a really hard thing for a woman to go through, but you're also gonna be physically really drained, and your serotonin's gonna drop. And you know what? If you want alone time during that, I do that. If you want some of your girlfriends around, I get that.

If you want me to be there, I'll also be there for you. Sure, I know we're not in a committed relationship, and I'm a bit of a fuckboy, but I still would like to be there for you. So don't get too emotionally attached to me, even though I'm giving you this stuff, but I'm gonna call your mom. Ah, poop. That was nice.

Or if you want to have the answer based in reality, hey bitch, you want a pair of shoes? You want to get this thing taken care of? By the way, I don't have money for both. I apologize. Okay. I thought it'd be funny. No, Jordan, that was very good advice.

Yeah, that was great advice. You know, I didn't even think of that until you said that. They do have to take off time work. And if you are paying for the abortion, you should also pay for them to have time off. I think that that's a good idea. That was really great, Jordan. That's really good advice.

Does any, I just hallucinated. Does anybody else? OK, coming. Oh, nice. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. How tall is everybody without shoes on? Five, nine. Wait, how tall are you guys? That's a really good question.

How tall is everybody without shoes on? Mike, go. Five, eight. Jamie. Six, three. Let's ride. Give me something, please. Ian.

Five, seven. Joe. He's a little. I don't take my shoes off. He's big. You're big. Joe. He's a little. I don't take my shoes off. He's big. You're big. I'm what?

Get up. How tall are you? Oh, no. I'm fucking five eleven. No, really? Fuck you. You seem way taller than that. Fuck you.

Pac-Son over there. You're at least six foot. I'm five eleven, but I carry myself strong style. You know what? I'm fucking five,6 and a half, and you can suck my fucking dick, all right? I'll fucking climb on you like a spider monkey, all right? Yeah, man.

I don't care. I'll date a tall girl, and we'll walk down the street, and I'll go, uh, peace. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ian, you're wearing the wig, remember. Remember what you say like that. Correct. Okay, does anybody else have any other questions before I go back to the stage?

In the front, in the front. Anybody in the front? Okay, here I come. Oh, this fella. And the motorhead shirt, hell yeah, brother. Nice. Um, did you? Motorhead!

I thought you were singing Night Ranger, but. Did you guys plan on the glasses and mustaches tonight? No. Sometimes life just sinks up the way it should be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you've got a mustache.

You got to bring your glasses next time, buddy. The future is now. You should wear your glasses. You fit the bill up here for sure. Kenny, last one? I got one more. Yeah, here I come. Let's hear it.

Well, one more. Let's go. What? Who can fit what? Who can fit? I'll go find out. Everybody. What is this? Put this magnum condom on your penis.

Oh, God. Is that a magnum condom? I'll take it. Oh, yeah! Whoa. The winner is Mike, confidant? Congrats! Who's trying to live tonight?

Alright. That's so uncomfortable. Last, last. Resume time. Bless you, sir. Bless you. Okay, we got treats. We got, you have to answer the question.

We have, hey, listen. Brother. Stop sneezing. Whatever elephant noise you're making when you sneeze. We have, we have B&E and trivia. What was the catalyst for the basement getting finished into the B&E and podcast studio? What was the catalyst for the basement getting finished into the B&E and podcast studio? Wow.

Give it to her or I'll kill you. Okay. Nice. Yeah. I'll be easy, Jordan. Sorry. You're right. You're right.

What is the name of the boyfriend, the nickname of the boyfriend that keeps breaking up with me? Oh, I know. I know this. Daryl? 3, 2, 1. I'm the only one that knows. No! That's his real name, Parker! No, don't throw that!

Where is the boy who keeps breaking up with him? Okay, what's another one? Oh, man, sorry dude. What... What... What... Is... The... Hold on. What is the... Hold on.

What is the name of the band? What's our matching tattoo? 138 by the way. Nope. We do have 138. Shit. You're right. Made in New York!

A product of New York. But that was close. That was close. They deserve something. They deserve something. And you're right. Who is it? Who said Made in New York? Give it to her. Fuck yeah, right there.

Did you say not in the face? She said not in the face. Wow, Joe just came. Okay. No. No, it says product of New York. Look. No, no.

No, no. Shhh. With the tattoo. There comes the fucking jug police. Who is the singer of the B&E and theme song? Who's the band? What'd you say? What's his name?

What's his name? Yes. He got it. Guy in the front got it. Chromace got it. He got it. Oh, give one got it. Chromace got it. Got it? Oh, give one to her to give to her husband. No, they can share it with their mouth back and forth.

Oh my God, it really was a magnum condom. That's wild. Oh, I want that one. Yeah, that one. Oh, can I have it? Yeah, that's great. That's a good visual. I want a lolly.

Okay. Hey. Well, I think that's about it. Oh my God, I have a really hard one that I don't even remember. What? What were the name of the rats that we had for a while? Oh no, that's our stuffed rat. I remember the rats. No.

No, that's my safe word. Right, that was too hard. That one's too hard. What's my favorite movie? Yes! Oh, I knew that. What's Ian's favorite movie? That was a good catch.

You don't get a prize, that's too easy. This is the biggest prize of them all. I can't wait for you to whip that at someone. The difficult, the most difficult, what is the word that me, what is the brain meld that we landed on? I don't remember. Oh yeah.

Yeah. What was the final word? We may do it at the same time. Damn. What? What? What? What?

It's part five, dude. Literally. What was the final word that me and Ian came to on the brain meld? Walking stick. Nope. Was it? Yeah, I think it was walking stick. Was it walking stick? I thought so. Fuck, I don't know the answer to this question.

It was walking stick. Because everybody thought we were going to say, um... Well, Sheree has a prize, so I get the lolly. Do you have another question you can ask? Yeah, I should ask a question. I'd know the answer to. Okay. No, you go. I asked like five, dude.

It's your turn. Yeah, I got nothing. What? You want me to ask? A math one? A fucking nerd. We can barely keep ourselves alive. You think we know math? What's the matter with you? If you add up the ages of Ian and Jordan when our dads died, what age would you get? If you add up the ages of Ian and Jordan when our dads died, what age would you get? Ooh, that's good. Whoa. Sixteen! One! Hold on.

Twenty-three! I got it. Twenty-three! Twenty-eight! Twenty-eight! I heard it already. Someone said it from over here. Twenty-eight!

Thirty-six! How old were you? Thirty-three! Oh, yeah. One, two, three. If you don't say it, you're fucked. Go! Wait, 72? What are you talking about, lady?

Does that mean our dads die in the future? What? I was eight, she was 23? There you go! Wow. Yo, we should do depressing math with Ian and Jordan. Right? If your boyfriend has broken up with you 11 times in the past two years and Ian has stayed

up for 47 hours in a row and Jordan is on her 19th day of PMSing, how many times will she yell at Ian at the hotel tonight? There's gotta be, there's gotta be a really good question for this lolly. I think that was a good question. The combined age of us when our dads died. No, it's too hard because everybody started yelling numbers.

It can't be a math question. That guy wasn't wrong even though he has a mustache like you. Math guy had a mustache? Yeah. Yeah, that guy. With his motorhead shirt. mustache like you. The math guy had a mustache? Yeah. His motorhead shirt. Oh, you're the math guy? Whoa, that's a good question!

What guess? I like you guys. But I don't know that answer. I know. What guess has been on the podcast the most? Including Patreons. Isn't it Sagalow? Sagalow! None of you get it! You get it.

No! Racine. Yeah, Racine. Yeah. His kid has been on the podcast more than some of our friends. You picked the question to be fair. Yeah. They came in with the answer.

This wig itches so bad. Your forehead's red. Shut up, Joe. Sorry. You're going to, it is so bad. Your foreheads red, shut up Joe. Sorry you're going to ruin it with me in autumn. Oh yeah, we got the judge outfit. I forgot why we got the judge outfit. This was a big argument earlier about why they bought the costumes. Ready awkward level tension, hard core. You want to be the judge? I present some fucking evidence. No, don't do that.

Oh. Yeah. Don't do that. No, you don't got to do all that. Literally. Wow, I'm shocked right now based on what she said. We talked about ideas for the live show. Oh, that's Ethan, though.

And Ethan sent a bunch of stuff. And one of them was being in a Jordan comedy court. We turned the stage into a courtroom where we played roles of a judge and attorney in the audience as a jury audience members can bring the suit which has been forgotten about as well friends are petty attorney that's a great idea ready great idea there's a bunch of other ideas right let's do that Jordan goes I love court I love we get Ian a wig and a gavel and I'm a cop like this. No, you know what I'm with her because you made it seem like she very intentionally brought

up the cop thing and the judge thing. I was a very you know comment just thrown as a light response. Yeah, don't you feel yeah, I said I love it. No, I said I'll order a bearster wig gavel cop outfit. There's more you said too. Oh, you said that? You said more. You were the one to say that? With blank face. That's what we'll add on to there. Ian, I said we get a wig and a gavel and I'm a cop.

And I said with black face. And then you said I order a barrister wig, gavel, and a cop outfit. So then I also said I'll bring the shoe polish for blackface. But that was a joke. That was a joke. So what was it? So what was, what were we gonna do with it though?

And all the eye cream updates are after that. Who is gonna bring court stuff? You. Me? Are the one that said, here I'll tell you. You'll be a cop. No, no, no, but why did I say that?

Where did I read it? Wait, hold on. Be an Ann. Comedy court. We turn the stage into a courtroom where you all play roles of judge and attorney, and the audience is the jury. Audience members can bring cases forward.

Does anybody have a case? Well, they would have to be helping, too. Joe's the lawyer, so he's going to go out with the mic to intermeeting. That was what I said. That was the plan, yeah. Let's meet up and plan. And you said, we'll figure it out. And then in the text thread, you said, I love court.

We get Ian a wig and a gavel and I'm a cop. So then I ordered the wig and a gavel and the cop outfit, and that's why we're here. Do you understand? Yeah. And it's great. It was wonderful. We nailed it. I have some court things we could bring up

that are Jordan and Ian ones. Ooh. Well, we're almost out of time. If you're, if. We have four minutes left. We have four minutes left. Um... Eh. If you're...

If you're avoiding sex... Uh-huh. And you meet up with people and just masturbate in front of them, is that you successfully avoiding sex? No! Louis knows. What if instead of praising it like you masturbate in front of them, you both masturbate together and kiss?

That's not sex. You must hear yourself. You have to hear yourself. I did not have sexual relations with them. What's so bad about that? Okay, let's enter my question. If, if, if I told, if I call my ex, even though I know I'm blocked, am I not, does that count as not reaching out?

I, you are going to jail for insanity. Am I not, does that count as not reaching out? I, you are going to jail. I know that I'm blocked. For insanity. If it's blocked then you're fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Yeah, Joe saw that his ex of like two months looked at his Instagram story and he was like, I have to pull my car over. He did. Don't say that.

He did. Oh, you sweetie pie. It's okay, buddy. Sweet boy, sweet boy. I know what it is. You're scrolling to see their face through the story and then you see it and you can't even believe it and you have to double check and then you look at the story to see if you look fat and you think maybe you looked okay and then you wonder what they're thinking

and if they're like, oh, I missed them or if maybe they're thinking, maybe they're thinking what an idiot. But here's what you have to get, they just looked at it and they kept going, you don't even have to, they're dead. They're dead to you. Until they come back and then you go,

okay, let's do that again. I sentenced you to six months in horny jail. I forgot. I told you, you are a sex addict. You're a go to horny jail. Does he, you're saying he jacks off in front of people all the time? No, I don't. You do. Well, what I just saw on that Tinder is truly dark. Hey, I'm not in a place where I want to have an intimate connection with sex, but if you want to make out, we can get each other off, that's fine.

If not, I'm cool to just hang out. And then more often than not, we'll fake out. Very Netflix situation. Whatever. Jamie, you're in a monogamous relationship that you've been in for a while that I'm jealous of. Do you feel... Don't just steal over what I said.

Have you guys ever gone through any breaks, breakups? No, no breaks, no breakups. We hold strong. We stay hard. She's in the audience. Please give her a round of applause. That's incredible. Thank you. Okay, so if you stay in it,

and you don't break... I'm allowed to have sex with anyone I want. Listen, we are aware you feel that. Give me the gavel. But they have to want to, too. Give me the gavel. Yeah, they do, you fucking... I just want to be clear, are aware you feel that. But they have to want to do. Give me the gavel. Yeah, they do, you fucking. I just want to be clear, because you can't exist.

I say that if I reach out, even though I'm blocked, that means I'm making contact. And if you jerk off in front of somebody, it's still sexual relations. His is a much bigger deal. But you were in a cycle of abuse with this guy that you keep going after. You're in a cycle of abuse with your own cock. But that's completely different than me having sex with someone and we're both getting sex and dough. You were trying to avoid sex and still having sex come time. No I'm not.

I tried to talk to you about this stuff and you just get mad at me and shut me out. You said, I am not, I'm trying not to have sex but I drink off in front of people and I'm saying order in the court. I don't say that I drink off in front of people and I'm saying He always I have a question yeah, what let's say you do this, what would you say the next day? What would you say that you did the night before? I hooked up with someone yeah, we Know it. I don't think it's sex either sex. We're going hetero normative Yeah, yeah make out with someone and nothing even happens. I hooked up with it's sex either. I mean we're going heteronormative. If I had sex with somebody and they say, oh I had sex last night.

Make out with someone and nothing even happens. I hooked up with someone. That's something happening. I went on a date at a diner the other night and we made out on the street and it was very wonderful. Oh that's cute. I like that. So what's so bad about that?

Did I tell you I had sex? Oh yeah I told you. Yeah so what the fuck is so bad about that? I'm not avoiding sex. I'm avoiding love. I'm not avoiding sex. You do have an illness, Ian. We know this.

Me? I don't have an illness? How did this turn into this? This woman's naming her baby after me, okay? I've got to have something good about me if she's having a child after me. You do! You're only good at comedy because you have mental illness. So do I. But... It is a problem. It is very obvious to everybody that we both should be in SLA together for the opposite sides of there.

You are a sex addict and I'm a love addict and we can support each other by going to meetings. You're a love addict? Yeah, dude. What is this handcuffing me you're putting me into? That's why I asked for the handcuffs. Boys, hold him down! So you're trying to get me to not have sex and you to not have sex? No, I can have sex. She can't have love. She can't have love? But you don't want me to have sex. I just think we both should go back to meetings together. I think there's something deeper here. I have to go back to meetings because... What are the meetings for? You go to SLAA meetings.

He should go for sex. What is SLAA? Anonymous. Oh, right. Sorry. Sorry. A man with a mustache and a wig goes to meetings sometimes. Alright, this has been the live show. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

We really appreciate you spending your Sunday night with us on a holiday weekend. We love you. We're going to be taking pictures saying hi. We got shirts. Come say hi. We love you. Thank you for supporting the podcast. Thank you for supporting the Patreon. The fact that you guys did what we do really means a lot. And we love you. Have a good night. Bye! It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.