Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep117: Wabi-Sabi W/ Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and get 10% off your Jack Black order and free shipping. Use code SKA at https://www.getjackblack.com/SKA  Support the show and get 10% off the VacuGlide or the original AutoBlow Ultra with code SKA at https://www.autoblow.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop  Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Whitney Cummings Here : https://www.instagram.com/whitneycummings/ New special MOUTHY free at of.tv/whitney  https://whitneycummings.com/tour/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/  

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian? Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Meow.

That's the original one, Yeah. From the show. From the... Yeah. Yeah. We won it at an auction at Sootheby's. Southbees? Sutherland? Samsonite? Was your first attempt Sootheby's? Yes. Sutherby's. Your first shot was Sootheby's. Sutherby's. What is it? Sutherby's. Sutherby's. Mike Huckabee's Sutherby's? Yes. Sotheby's. Your first shot was Sootheby's. Sotheby's. What is it? Sotheby's. Sotheby's.

Mike Huckabee's Sotheby's. It's not the... It's not it. No. Some retired fan gave it to us. No. Have you seen it? Of course.

I actually love it. You can have it. Do you want it? Do you want it? Yeah. Have it. Please take it. Really?

Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I can do the voice? Yeah, have it. Please take it. Yeah. Yeah. I can do the voice. Yeah, listen. You can. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what I wear? Whoa. Guess what I wear is a hat. A lentil. Can all Jewish people just do that? I'm not Jewish. I'm actually very anti-Semitic.

I'm Marcel de Chelle. Is that anti-Semitic that I assume anyone that's funny is Jewish? No, that's like pro-Jewish. That's that's for Semitic. I think if you imply me. Oh, we're starting. Oh, I'm sorry. I we don't have we do it like this. That's great. And then we do this. Good idea.

Welcome back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan. We are so happy. Welcome back to another episode of Bein' Ian with Jordan. Hee hee ha ha. Coyote. We are so happy. Hup hup hup. For our esteemed guest today, the one, the only Whitney Cummings. I meant like a rug cleaner, like a person who vacuums like a cleaner.

Oh, you know, I gotta admit, I cleaned the studio and it was hard getting every single No, this is a fucking airplane hanger. What do you think this is? Yeah, it's a studio What shut the fuck? Okay, sorry, we don't have ten women named Consuela to clean our house every day I've been in your home Consuela one cons Consuela two. This is, I have to, I'm gonna be serious. This might be my favorite podcast studio.

I am grateful that you said that. Wouldn't it be so nice if it was like very clean though? Like if it looks cool on the walls, but then there was like, there was, it was like clean. This is what podcasting is supposed to be. This shit where everyone looks like they're in a W hotel lobby now. You know what I mean? You know, it's awful. All these like fancy podcasts. Like we're on YouTube. No, no, no. But I'm saying it was hard to clean the carpet when your dog's chewing

every cat toy and they're all in a million pieces. I never said you should clean the carpet. What did I say? Get a carpet cleaner. Exactly. Well, I don't know Stanley Steamer. What? Stanley Steamer carpet cleaner? Yeah. Give him a call. No, wait, you give Stanley the cleaner a buzz. Yeah. Give him a buzz.

I still say that. I still say I'll give you a buzz. I love it. That's so like Delaware, D.C. That's what my mom would always say. Give me a buzz. Are you from Delaware? D.C., Virginia, but I would go to Reh so like Delaware, DC. That's what my mom would always say. Give me a buzz. Are you from Delaware? DC, Virginia, but I would go to Rehoba Beach, Delaware.

Put that down. Put that down. Put that down. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, please. No, go. That was my pointer toe. There's not going to be, there will be no- Toe pointing? Enabling of Ian on this podcast, Whitney.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, no. Enable. You're still in the mode where he's new in your life and you're like, oh my God, it's endearing. It's not endearing. If his foot comes up, we put it down. This one, the pointy one. Okay. Okay. No, no, no. I tried to shave him about the carpet and the cleanliness. That didn't go great. It didn't go great. Good job. No, no, no. Okay. You know what? She did a bit and you- My problem is with you. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Great. Did Jordan bite you? Did you catch what she has? What the fuck is happening? I set a boundary.

I set a clear- No, no, no. That's not a boundary. Woman on woman boundary. My boundary is you don't enable this man. In fact, you bring him down. No, no, that's not a boundary. That's a character defect of yours.

In my program, we call that a superpower. Dude, I was listening to the SLA defect thing where they're like, you know, I was running through it again where they're like, and ask the Lord to remove all of your character defects. And it rassled my feathers. It got my feathers a-rasslin' because you have two worlds,

the one of self-love, you're perfect, you're beautiful, you're great, and then the one of addiction that's like, you need to change who you are. You gotta clean all the sludge out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's basically a way of, when you start to change who you are. You gotta clean all the sludge out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's basically a way of when you start to behave in a manner that takes you away from your inner circle,

you catch them and then you remove, you try to remove that character defect by becoming acutely aware of it. Yeah, but like, but the ask the Lord to remove all of your character defects. But you don't believe in God. It's not that, I mean, I believe in whatever their God is, which is just yourself smarter. How many autoblows did we get, bro? Oh, dude, they went crazy. What's

autoblow? Oh, you don't know the autoblow? Can I tell you something? Her mouth kind of looks like. Well, autoblow is a self. Yeah, with that face right there. Knock your teeth out and you're the auto blow. Oh my God. Wait, promo code Whitney? Can I, so is this a blow job machine? It doesn't look like- Auto blow AI Ultra.

It doesn't look like a sex toy, packaging wise. No, it's a brand new world. No, it looks like a water purifier. And look at this. FAP lube sponsored by Diddy. Come on guys. What was his excuse for the baby oil? Didn't he just use one word Costco?

220 strokes per minute? Yeah. And let me tell you, I counted them all. Enable. He hasn't used it. Yeah. And let me tell you, I counted them all. Enable. OK, so he hasn't used it. Isn't that crazy? I'm not using it. You had a penis. Trust me. When you see the penis, I get down on one knee and I'm scared of marrying. Do you know, do you use sex toys? Not enabled. No. OK. I don't have sex.

You use sex toys or masturbate. Oh, interesting. She's she's sexually anorexic. Oh, that's the whole thing. No, I know. I've been there. I've been sexually anorexic, anorexic, all the things. But there's a, you've never used a sex toy? I never used one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I didn't use one until I was like 38 or something. Chelsea Lin, shout out, trailer-shash-dammy, hilarious. She brought on our like hundredth episode of the podcast, eight. It's like a thing that sucks on your- The womanizer. Oh, we know what the womanizer is. Is that what it's called? It's like a rose. It just sucks. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I used it one time. I was a little stone and I was like, I can never do that again. It's intense. It will ruin my, I just, you know, it's like when you're a real legit addict, you don't want to do certain things. You're

like, I know. And I'm'm I'm basically managing my future supply. I'm going this is going to make my tolerance too high. I know I'm going to come addicted to this. That's why so many girls fucking they they got to bring a grab bag full of toys over because the womanizer is especially lethal. The womanizer, I will say I did use and I would think about it. I'd be like at shows and I'd be like, well, I'm just going to go home to my to my shop back.

It was solving my emotional problems. You know what I mean? I was like, this is going to make men like obsolete in my life. I can't do this. That's masturbation for men. Welcome to being a dude. I know their hand. Their hand apparently is great.

Think about it. I've been really getting into hand jobs again. But let me ask you a question. Hand jobs are so difficult to do. Is getting a hand job from someone else halfway through, isn't it just like pointless because you're so good at doing it? Yeah. I'm always just like you should do this. It's hot to have someone else's hand on your penis because you're like whoa what's this? You grab the way I do but different. Oh because it's men. But are women good at it? Has any woman ever been good at a handstand?

Not. You gotta teach them and go like this. So you're- Your kids- They're so different. Play with my balls. Some men like this, some men like the pressure here and down here,

some men just like it there. Yeah, it's like playing a flute. It's very different for each men. Some men don't like it low and only like it high, other way around. You know what turns me off? Being bad at something. You know what I mean? Someone going like, no, do it like this. and only like it high. Other way around. It turns me off being bad at something. You know what I mean?

Someone going like, no, do it like this. I'm like, I already, this is where, this is not where I'm getting notes. Dude. I don't need feedback here. I stopped seeing a gal because we were doing it and I went soft and she goes, are you kidding me right now? And I was like, well, maybe you should have taken care of your eczema. I'm just like, I have three perfectly good holes now.

I'm not really a tunnel. Sorry. Sorry, I was on fellow mode. Well, what I was going to say with you is I and I'm still getting to know you is that it is unclear whether you are very resilient or like terminally fragile. You know what I mean?

But I think you have the balance like all of us have both. So it's hard to tell if how gentle to be sometimes, you know what I mean? With the enabling thing. You'll see, it just takes time. I mean, he's become a fixture in your life recently. You'll see his time wears on., he's, he's become a fixture in your life recently. You'll see his time wears on. By the way, as he became a fixture in my life, are you like, hell yeah. How'd you feel about that? Okay. I felt great about that. Okay. I, well, I felt great

about it because it meant more road for him. Right. Which is great. What? It's more roadhead. The fuck do you mean by that? The more you're on the road, the better. I'm on the road a ton. I know. But the more that's the happier you are when you're home, you fucking plummet, my guy. Yeah, but I'm not home for the rest till fucking March. I know. But it's the same with Segura. It's like when you fill it in with people, it plugs in all those holes where, you know what I mean, where we get depressed. But that being said, you will see you'll start getting the you'll get the codependency.

Well, where's your which room are you in? And then you'll get the knock at one a.m. Just when you finally go to sleep. No, no, no. Is it a joke? Because I just fell asleep. I'm going to panic. Friendship. And you're not good at it. No, I'm very good at it. No, you're not. No, I have a lot of male friends.

Yeah. Is he conflating entrenchment with friendship? Yes. Yes. You know, is it entrenchment with friendship? Yes. Yes You know what? Is it too much to ask to pick up a phone call you? I'm not picking up the door at 1 a.m Because you go one time you left without saying goodbye and I needed a hand on the door We did the longest hug goodbye outside of the it was in minneapolis. It was the longest hug. Goodbye We said I said goodbye to ethan and you it was raining. I said i'm going to bed I went to my thing you went to my raining. I said, I'm going to bed. I went to my thing. You went to my door.

I heard you knocking. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, and I didn't answer the door and you're like. I'm playful. You are. No. I love that about you. Thank you.

Thank you. I love that about you too. Thank you. I think there's something though with me, like we were in Vegas and I actually expected us to hang out more. Oh, but Vegas is hard for him because there's a lot of. Opportunities to tuggy wuggies.

I haven't done tuggy. I do more tuggy wuggies in New York than I do in Vegas. Vegas, there's a lot of trees barking up your dog. The dog is getting barked by a lot of trees. Yeah. But I also had a baby with me and yeah, you're not a pedophile I think he was kind of like mmm like catch me when that when the baby's not here Yeah, I walked in it was like naked eating bone broth. I'm like what the fuck is happening There was a bone on the floor

There was a steak boat on the floor having a dog not that different I'm kind of just like bone whatever yeah on the floor Like I sometimes I do put them in a like dog cage for a minute It works for a second. Yeah, and I think I actually attribute to him He's been standing very early because he's been crawling up a cage the cage. Yeah, that's good. It's fine Does it by the way, there's pictures of me in drawers as a baby? Like there's this is oh, yeah, you know, yeah Yeah, what how do you were you a leash kid? We know that wasn't out until the nineties. That would require my parents like caring, like wanting me to stay close.

Did you, how do you feel about the kid thing? I'll hold that for you. I feel pretty good about it. What do you open that? What did you think when you heard I was having a kid? I got, I get jealous when women have kids. Oh really? Yeah. Oh interesting. Because I'm always the person who's like,

I can't have a kid. Why not? I said that too. I don't know. New York is hard also. Very. But when you had a kid, I was like, oh people have kids and have giant careers.

You can do, I mean, look, to be a female comedian, this is a very unique, sorry, I believe in gender, hot take, but I don't know, dude, look at the women that, I just think if you're a female comedian, you don't have a kid, you have to become like an activist. Yeah. You know what I mean? You have to mother something, whether it's gonna be Gaza from afar,

whether you got it, you know, but your mother, I do what? Blackface? It did the book. I didn't wash the blackface. I'm totally from last night. You still have some shoe polish up there. Okay. This is my nightmare in life. I hate your guts. So I, here's the one thing about having a kid. Your hairline does start to like bounce. Oh wow, did I have a kid? I guess I got seven. And I feel like I'm overthinking it and I'll be fine, but there's this like,

I'm sorry, there's this root spray that I like put on and it always like, like I'll be with my guy and he'll just be like, he'll just lick his finger and like rub the middle of my face. He's like, there's just like soot on your face. So that's what that is. What is it, root spray to make it not look thin? No, to make it so that your hairline's just a little

like closer to where it should be. Really? Yeah. I think, why would your hairline go back as a mother? It's just the baby eats your brain and your hair follicles and you know, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's happened to my sister. She began to like kind of rot.

But when you- about it, when the baby comes out and you're like, oh, I made eyeballs. Like there's, I made bones. Irises. They're wild. You know what I mean? And then you're like, oh yeah. Bones is crazy.

Crazy dude, a butthole. Like I made a, there was a butthole. Doesn't it kind of seem like everything that we have came from the butthole? Because if you go back to your skin, everything leads to that one hole and it's crinkly wrinkly and tight there. I agree. If you were to turn somebody inside out, that would be the place to start. You'd start at the butthole.

It's the epicenter of the human body. Yeah. But no, I think I was mentally not like I meant to mother or caretaker. I just whether I grew up in alcohol at home, I had to caretaker my parents, parent of my child, very early age. I was like, and then I mean, you guys probably saw and I'm sure everyone made fun of me about it. It's like I was rescuing dogs and giraffes and tigers and then adult men. And I'm parenting, you know, 55 year old comics. And then I'm like, you know, I just I think it's time for a kid.

I'm thirty nine, mommy. You know, so it's like I think that it was something that I always wanted, but I did I did not want to be attached to something dysfunctional. And I was I wasn't going to put my kid through like an acrimonious divorce or bad relationship, like how I was raised. So I was just very like scared. I was always scared. I wasn't ready. I wasn't going to put my kid through like an acrimonious divorce or bad relationship like how I was raised. So I was just very like scared. I was always scared. I wasn't ready. I wasn't mentally healthy enough.

I was like, I need to break the cycle before I had a kid. But also you were smart because you did it after success. You know what I mean? Interesting. Which I feel like is so tough to have a kid while you're, you know, notching up. But also like, I feel like if I had had a kid sooner, it would have definitely been with the wrong person. But like, I don't know, man, there's something like my self-esteem was so low.

I was like, I hated myself. What we do for a living is so self-absorbed. You have to be self-absorbed. You know what I mean? You have to like, it's just me, me, me, me. Hey guys, me, me, me, me, me streaming live. I mean, it's just like I was so sick of myself And then once you have a kid you're like wait

I kind of like myself if I'm only thinking about myself like two hours a day Yeah, instead of every second of every day. How do you like pregnancy? I didn't mind it. Really? I hate to be one of these people. I saw you at the store. You look totally normal and happy and bouncing around Thank you. You're very pregnant. Thank you. Yeah. I was very impressed. I appreciate that. I think when you're taller, it's a little easier. Really? Yeah. Esther Pavitsky was a mess. She could like not get off the beat.

Shorter torso. She cast a baby though. She's a baby. That was a baby having a baby. It was a tricky one. That's crazy. It was a baby. That's insane.

Rosebud gave birth to a baby that is twice her size. That's correct. That's correct. When she has it on her chest, it's touching the ground. It's shocking. It's insane. I don't it on her chest, it's touching the ground. It's talking. It's insane. I don't know, like short, it's tougher for short. It's tougher for short people in general in life.

I want a kid, this is my ideal scenario. It is. Best friend impregnates me, they're the, not you, they're the uncle. We can't, we're both addicts. Somebody who's not- But by the way, healthy, but you can superpower your addictions

into something positive. You will be addicted to protecting your baby You don't want is coming me. Yeah Have you guys ever slept together? No, no There was a period where it could have happened. That's not true. This is honestly this is the my favorite Will they won't they in the future? But like you guys are you are in love. Am I wrong? No, you're right. Am I wrong? My mom. Say the thing first. You are in love. No. Wrong. Why are you saying that? She's in love with me. No, I'm not. Yeah. Okay. There are male friends of mine

that I am extremely in love with and it is a problem. Okay. Ian, I want to kill. Name them, name them, name them. Yeah, no, there's no love here. There's, there was at a certain point, but it's not just lust. I love him, but I'm not, but we wouldn't. If you start dating someone new new are you dating someone now?

No, okay, but he will be like anyone coming in is gonna be like well this You know what I mean? Well, they feel like a third wheel. I have many days a good job not making that happen. Okay Yeah, I have love for you. No, I we have we love each other very much Yeah, it gets bad. You don't have to be doing what you're doing right now. You don't have to be snuggling. Okay, I'm just saying. This is in love energy. Oh wait, you know what?

Actually, before you answer if you're in love or not, do you know what love is? I wanna know what love is. Do you? What's define it? Define it. I want you to show me. Let's not get demonetized this early in the show.

What is love? Can you get demonetized this early in the show. What is love? You get to monetize your singing. Yeah, you're not allowed to sing things in our life. Oh, do we keep getting demonetized? That's probably like every episode. You can just bleep that out. Yeah, you're not allowed to curse for the first 10 minutes on YouTube and you can't sing famous songs. We sing all the time.

You can't do that. I sing to think it's I'm not going to it's copyrighted. I'm not going to. It's copyrighted. I'm not going to stop. What's love? What is that? I didn't think you would. Don't hurt me. You just don't want to get kicked out of the algorithm. You know what I mean? I don't want the algorithm. I don't know. What is that? I'm tired of being a slave. If the views are low, my self-esteem will plummet. Share this. You just you just took my views. These are my views.

No, but what's what's your definition of love? I can I tell you the love I want? Sure. I want the type of love where I'm with someone. And if they were in a horrific accident, I wouldn't look for an exit strategy on how to not care. Take for them. Like, I want someone that if they were paralyzed, you want that kill Bill love or the neck down someone in a hospital. I would be it would be a joy to take care of them and lift them into bed. You take care of anybody.

Love them. Take care of everybody, even if you don't like them very much. Yeah, I do. Yeah. How about somebody who who you don't feel burdened by asking them to take care of you? I don't know how to do that. I get why you're in love with her, Ian. Huh? I didn't hear you. What? Here's the thing with me and Ian. That uh me and Ian with Jordan. He we are we fight tooth and nail and we are opposite, we have opposite needs. Interesting.

So I, I'm like a big space neater and he's a big. That's healthy. Glom. I'm a big communicator. Like I want to talk to the phone and catch up and see how you're doing. You do call me sometimes and I'm like, I need like a two day heads up. If someone's going to call.

Sorry, I like giving a buzz. If we're going to talk on the phone, I like the need is to be in the phone call. You'll FaceTime sometimes at like 11 p.m. And I'm like, oh, me. And look, I know I want love for me is some little pick up available availability Yeah, I always assume well, that's how low myself seems I always assume it's a pocket dial and my name's W. So it's usually at the bottom of everybody's address book So I assume you like pocket. I think less last night. I was walking

From sushi by scratch shut out Philip Lee amazing. I would would have loved to go. Oh yeah, that's right. It was amazing. I sat with Questlove, we hung out instead, be gone. But come back. You have a black friend. My dog is molesting Chris, it's so cute. Aw. Whatchamacallit.

And I was walking to the cellar and panic set in, I was like, I really wanna talk to someone, I don't know. I wish I had someone to the cellar and panic set in. I was like, I really want to talk to someone. I don't know. I wish I had someone to talk to. And then I called my mom and found out she had to put her cat to sleep. To sleep? I haven't heard that in a while. Yeah, had to go in for surgery

and had to make a decision. Bad news. Tough one. So I'm gonna surprise her today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll go home and see her. That's really sweet. And I'm gonna dress up like a cat

I said to her last night. She was she was upset. I go. I'll just add the ashes to the pile Everything we touch dies Everything we touch dies. Oh, my God. This is bad this year. No, it's not. You know what? While you're updating your life for fall, update your skincare as well. You dumb moron. Jack Black just launched four new scents of their number one deodorant.

Pit Boss now comes in Big Sur, Blue Midnight, Jack's Zen and Black Reserve, which all smell incredible. Match your deodorant with your cleanser and your lotion so everything will finally have the same great scent. I've been using it and you know what I like about it? When I don't shower, you're on the go, you're running around, you don't got time. I use Jack Black because it does a good job of getting in there, masking the smell. It doesn't smell like deodorant and body stuff.

It just gives you a fresh scent. And I also use it when I get out of the shower too, but I like it better than like Old Spice or like the deodorant I was wearing. It just goes on better and I'm not just saying that because they're paying me. Jack Black has products for everything from moisturizing to beard care so you can smell amazing from head to toe. If you want simple effective products that do what they say they're gonna do, you need Jack Black. Head to getjackblack.com slash ska and use code SKA for 10% off your order and free

shipping. That's getjackblack.com slash SKA for 10% off your order plus free shipping. Make sure you use our promo code SKA so they know that we sent you. Hey everybody, coming at you with another ad. That's right, if you want to see stars, you need the VacuGlide by AutoBlow. It's classified as a You need the VacuGlide by AutoBlow.

It's classified as a male milking machine. That's right, yeah. You don't even need an erection to use this. Can bring the user from flaccid to orgasm. You know, it's funny about this product is that I should have a family and a life where I'm not hawking blow job machines. And I work eight to 12 hours a day, do my job,

leave it at my job, leave it at the job, come home. Kids run out of the house, hop in my arms, the dog circles around my legs. I go inside, eat dinner with my family. I tell them things like, go to school, get a degree. things like go to school, get a degree, you won't have to hawk blowjob machines one day to make a living. It's great for folks with ED or just people who like to masturbate. Uses the same concept as cow milking machines and it alternates suction with pressure,

control speed and stroking distance. It's great. Try it. I'm gonna, I one of these days, I'm gonna, I'll never need a human again. That's the point of all this, right? No humans? Ah, we

don't need interaction. Beep boop bop boop, bring me my food, bring me my products. I don't have to deal with another person ever touching me. I have a thing that blows me and it feeds me. Actually this sounds kind of good and then I could just hang out with my cat all day. That's the only thing I need. It comes stored in its own backpack. Not ready for the VacuGlide with the AutoBlow Ultra that doesn't use suction. Start with that. The AutoBlow Ultra syncs to a library of dirty movies so it'll feel like you're really there. 10% off the VacuGlide or the AutoBlow Ultra when you use promo code SKA at autoblow.com that's promo code ska Ska for 10% off the vacu glide or the auto blow ultra at auto blow.com Check out auto blow me calm for more

Hope you're proud of me in heaven Papa I Do think that when you lose a parent young, your need to attach is very intense. Totally. And I also need to be reassured that I'm like wanted or that you're not going to leave. Totally. And I think that can be perceived as neediness, which I think it is. But I just want to be sued. DM mad chicks. No. You also be DMing all the time. Because I panic sets in. I go, I just need to, I just need something. And I wish I had someone.

You know what it is? You know what it is? Here's our problem. We're too similar. I'm extremely clingy, extremely needy. I always spin places. And I wish you would just give me a little bit of that. Just need me once in a while.

No, because the only place I can't be needy is when somebody's being needy. And then I go, I know if I was needy to you, I bet you'd. And if I was mean to you, you would be like, and I can't be me. You're depressed. You get along, dude. You have Munchausen syndrome by proxy because I noticed you only talked to me on the phone when I'm depressed. Yeah. And a part of me hadn't talked to you for a month and I wanted to go, I'm depressed. Just a part of me hadn't talked to you for a month and I wanted to go, I'm depressed. Just so you'd be like, what's going on?

Is that Munchausen's? I don't know, but my mom used to love it when I was sick cause I'd let her touch me. I don't like it when you're sick, but when you're depressed you don't touch me. When you're nihilistic, then you're slowed down to a measure that I can handle and you're not, hey. Whenever somebody goes, hey to me, that's just why I don't have a female friends unless they're like very man

That's why my cousin hated me because I called her huggy because I couldn't say my elves and her name was Holly and all I wanted was her to hug me Which one huh? We don't talk anymore has have you two getting more successful? Has that affected your relationship? No, it's better. It's better. If we stay and pretty even, things are good. Oh, OK. If yeah.

Why? When we when we stay pretty even, things are good. We fight more if one of us gets something nice and the other one doesn't. I don't think so. It's true. That's natural. Uh huh. But yeah, the more the more we both get, the better. Have you met anyone she's dated? Yeah. Yeah.

What's up with that? One guy. What is she up to out there? Well, no, remember, multiple guys, you've had to stay. One guy flipped out on me on the phone loudly. No, you said all the time he screams at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he yelled about what? And he showed up to Vegas and I gripped him up.

About what? I'm just a bit of a cunt. And then if you can't really handle it or if you don't shut down and just say, I'll talk to you later, then it just leads to you screaming insanely at me. OK, bleep cunt. So this makes the algorithm. But have you ever heard of circular talking? Yeah, circular talking.

Talking in circles. You do circular talking. Yeah. And I think she runs cod Anderson from all the fucking gaslighting she does. Hey, that much. I don't guess. Oh, there you go. I don't. You can't say. But also gaslighting this whole thing where it's like he gaslit me.

You're just admitting you're dumb and you fell for gaslighting. Yeah. Can I just say a lot of people been saying you're crazy lately? Me? No, never mind. It's not that's not lately. But that's what you do. You you say everybody that's literally your quote to me is you're like, people always come up to me and tell me what a cunt you are. You say everybody that's literally your quote to me is you're like, people always come up to me and tell me what a cunt you are. I'm not lying. That's not

okay to tell somebody what comics we were in a fight and I wanted to hurt you. Yeah, exactly. I love it when people give me feedback. Like, this is what I want to grow. I'm like, please tell me this one is made me such a better communicator and I've had to have so much patience and acceptance and giving it up to God. She got me back into therapy. Oh, wow. Yeah, I demanded. Yeah.

Also to deal to deal. But you're in 12 step to right? Yeah. The free therapy. Yeah. Therapy. I'm a little bit like I need a minute. That makes sense.

I've been in it. What did makes sense. I've been in it What did you do SLA that I've? love addiction was Went to that program for a minute, but my core is ACA adult children of alcoholics Al-anon That's my core program coda like I can go to coda meetings. I go to all double winners meetings. It's all the same Can I can you? Sorry, I was just gonna say if you're an alcoholic when you're in a program of recovery Do yourself a favor and go to an Alan on me? Yeah

I went and I heard the other side of how people were treated and it made me see like Fuck the things I you know what I mean, and that kind of made me hit my program harder because I can act Alcoholically without a fucking drink of course for alcoholism to be present alcohol doesn't have to be present Yeah, but like in New York you guys have double winners meetings. It's both. It's people that qualify for both double I don't like that. That's like when I had to go to banana split and Whatever the queer parent one was color color, color rainbow or something. I got to go to both. My moms were gay and divorced.

Banana splits is so funny. Is that what they call it? I love that you just asked me if I was an SLAA and I'm like, no, not at all. As I'm like, like violently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blowjob coffee maker or whatever this is. Can I ask you? That is a good idea for a machine.

Correct. I agree. Let's call Shark Tank now. A blowjob coffee maker. Getting your cock sucked while you're waiting for your coffee. It's dangerous. The hot liquid. But to me, like 12 step programs, I prefer at the moment because therapy sometimes you can start buying your own bullshit. Like you can start like, especially us, like you can start conning. Not when you have the right one. My dad, he's just become father. OK, that sounds healthy.

Healthy, so healthy. I'm going to blow the alarm. No, he's going to be. But do you not have a dad going on? No. OK. But he becomes he becomes safe, safe space. Sure. Which is nice. He's like he's old.

He's Jewish. He's warm. Demands that I make eye contact. So someone that's been through real trauma. Yeah. He's like yeah my mom was in the Holocaust. I am a fucking therapist sliding scales paying 35 bucks a session and you get what you got. This guy told me he goes hey I've been living with AIDS since 1982. I was an intravenous drug user. Next time you want to complain, think about your problems. I don't want to like living with AIDS. And I was like, don't put your AIDS guilt on me to like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I probably would have fought him, dude. That pisses me off immediately. That is wild. You can keep the 35 bucks, pal. Can I make an interjection?

Two interjections, I have two. Please. One for you, one for her. For you. That candle is giving me serious intrusive thoughts and I'm wondering if we can move it. Is it because it says butt stuff? No, it's because there's a sharp edge.

Please move it. Ooh. So intrusive thoughts, do you have like intrusive thoughts like... Yes, cuddy, cuddy. Okay, wait. Here's my question. Please move it. So intrusive thoughts, do you have like intrusive thoughts? Like, Yes, cutty, cutty. Okay, wait. Here's my question. Like imagining how you would fall on it and stuff.

This cut is from falling on a piece of glass that looks exactly like that. Oh. Do you take anything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prozac, Prozac. I take Prozac too. Really?

It's a miracle. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts, especially about- I can look at that glass all day, but you have a specific fear with that that would be my with a face If the well if it there was fire I was in a fire as a kid that would I would really that yeah Yeah, we'd say I'd say we have to move that so when your face is if it can Getting laser pretty early. Is that why I can't tell if you're smiling or scared?

Is that why you look like you just fell out of a fucking chimney? No, sorry. I wasn't a fire as a kid. Alcohol and comb. No one paid the bills. It was always cold in there. There was no hot water. There was no whatever. And then so I would get on the stove to get dressed in the morning. That's like, that's Alan on shit, you know, growing up. I got alcohol, a comb, nothing gets done.

And I just caught on fire. But you would get on the stove? Yeah, we'd get on the stove in between like the burners. I would turn the stove on and I didn't, I was sick. Oh, cause it was cold? Yeah, yeah. And I would like change on the, you know. We had those space heaters.

Remember those? Had those too. Those are my childhood. would like change on the, you know. We had those space heaters, remember those? Had those too. Those are my childhood, the smell of those will fuck you up. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. They were just like click, click. Yeah. I just used to put a blanket over the heater like a homeless guy on a grate.

Insane. And also I'd get in a box and make my parents call me Splinter. And I'd only eat cheese. Okay, sorry, what was your interruption for me? Go ahead. What is your interruption for me? What is what is the difference between love addict and codependent?

Okay, so codependent is when Another one for you. Oh, and honey. Yeah. That's a good spot. This is just freaking out at Coyote. So I just want my cat to do this in person with people. Oh my God. Is he being such a mush? So codependency.

Oh hi. I see you. I know you're just such a star. I hope you're proud of yourself because you're such a star. Everybody loves you. Oh, it's too much. Codependence, the inability to tolerate the discomfort of others or perceived discomfort, you know, the inability to. Jordan's mad at me. I need to text her back or like, oh, yeah, if I don't go to Jordan's, you know, just came to my bachelorette party

Uh At the cemetery. I don't know where you that is where I would have it As I bury myself As the man who I say is marrying me buries me going i'm not marrying you you made this up in your mind Codependence leads to good things. It's why i'm here. I said yes and i'm like I can't cancel I don't want to ruin our friendship. I want to do the show. I don't want them to be mad at me I want them to like me but uh, and you know, and I'm glad I'm here so sometimes your codependence can you know lead to good things, but the the sort of Dismorphia of it is thinking like they need me to show up

They need my help you do the three M's mothering micromanaging martyring You try to solve other people's problems because your self-esteem derives from your productivity and usefulness to others. That's the thing that I tick off. Yeah. That box. Say it again.

You obviously say codependent, we know that. So are you. But what's the difference between love addict? Love addict. No, I'm a textbook love addict. Codependent, I don't really mother. No. But not all mothers are maternal.

I'm surprised you can even say the word. But you might mother the way you were mothered. You know what I mean? Codependent. I don't really mother. No, but not all mothers are maternal. But you might mother the way you were mothered. You know what I mean? It might be your version of mothering, which is like three moms and no mothers. Yeah. Yeah. But also like the be tough, don't enable. Like that's a kind of mother. You know what I mean? You're trying to take care of him in some way. You're trying to make sure other people. Yeah. Her way of taking care of me is like, uh, really need it. But on an ad with an addict, like that is, that is in a way like mothering, like don't enable him,

you shouldn't go to Vegas, you know what I mean? Like, and I'm not diagnosed with co-dependent, but like it's coming from a place of love. But what we're doing is, you know, and look, I came into a program literally to, cause I thought that Al-Anon was gonna help me get the addicts over. Like I literally was like, oh, I'm gonna get the cheat codes.

And I didn't realize that a lot of times codependence and Al-Anons are addicted to alcoholics. We're addicted to help trying to fix them, trying to save them, trying to rescue them, trying to help them. So it is this codependent entrenched thing because they're getting their drug from cocaine or whatever it is.

I'm getting my drug from adrenaline, the internal drug cabinet, adrenaline and cortisol, highly addictive, turns into dopamine by trying to fix you, trying to save you, trying to solve this insolvable problem. And addicted to the drama. And I've decided I'm God. I've decided my love can change your neurology.

You know what I mean? Delusional. Yes, same. Yeah, exactly. And it's doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. So we're kind of cutting ourselves emotionally. We're kind of addicted to, where is he? Has he been drinking?

Where is he? Is he gone? Like I'm gonna fix him. I gotta go over there. And that's love addiction? Love addiction is like a little different. I'm not gonna be as elegant with this, but love addiction is such a tricky one

because it doesn't always mean you're you're not getting your fix. Like it's you're basically addicted to a situation that's toxic. Yes. And you can't get out. So addiction, right. Being defined as it is so early in the morning. You're doing great. Thank you so much. Yeah, really. I'm literally braindead. Me and Ian are like this. It's unbelievable. I don't even have that much spit in my mouth.

You're doing great. That's why I need the auto blow. That was an insane amount. That was fucking... That was... Dude, I'm a wild girl. That was a ditty freak-off level spit. It's in there at all times, dude. That was insane. That was impressive, dude.

You're really... We're really wasting a talent with the sexual anorexia. So is that an addiction like being defined as when it stops being fun or when it turns into an obligation, you know, it's like you can't do it despite negative consequences like that. Okay. And that too. If that's defined as an addiction. So love addiction, just because it's love doesn't mean there's love involved. It's like you're chasing this impossible thing. It's actually

not love. It's addiction. So you're addicted to the other person who, you know, is not emotionally available. You're chasing approval. You can't get it. You're trying to control the person. You're trying to fix the person and you need the person. I know. I know. We know. Yeah. I mean, you're doing great. Thank you. And you tend to just like recreate your childhood circumstances by dating someone who has a negative qualities of your primary caretaker too. Right. The same person. The dude keeps breaking up with me and my mother. The same exact person. Okay. We're one second. They're like, I love you. or two, right? Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy y the dude.. You have to I think it's six a.m. Yeah Boogie That's what you were rosé I was Irish Rose I that was my drink of the way to work that's hilarious

Axel Rose, but I was like like I like the rosé of it all because that's when you get to a really gnarly level Of like a a people cuz that's okay can't drink a really gnarly level of like AA people, because that's when you go, okay, can't drink brown liquor, can't do vodka. But I can do like white wine. Per seco at lunch. And then you go like, rosé, like doesn't count. Because it's classy. My sister, oh my God. My mom drank wine.

I thought we were rich. I didn't think, I didn't, I wasn't like, why does she have a black eye all the time? I won't drink before noon. I'm in a different time zone. Black eye or black eye, same thing. That's redundant, question is the same. Oxy in a different time zone. Same thing. That's redundant. Question is the same.

Oxymoron. Well, I said, did you have a black eye or a black eye? Contest. Yeah. So, um, I love the content. Heard that. That was good for oxymoron. Love to hear it. So here's my the other thing you said on a podcast that I always think about is

you go, I didn't realize that being bored in a relationship is okay. Yeah. So I identify first and foremost as an adrenaline addict. Okay. That's the first drug you can really get. Yeah. As I realize that with boxing, I've been sparring more and more and people are like, dude, you're going to fuck your brain up. And I'm like, I need it. But I always thought it was a pussy. We could all use a lobotomy at this point. That's why I ride a bicycle because it's so adrenaline fueled and also at the same time meditative. You know? But you've done a good job at keeping out of toxic relationships to deal with your adrenaline.

You haven't been doing that, which is great. I appreciate that. Crazy hoes. Do you know, was one of your moms pregnant with you? Yeah. And then, I didn't know. I don't know. Oh, no, no, sorry. It's hard for me to imagine my dyke mother pregnant. Sorry. I was like, I had

to think about it and be like, no way. There's a rock in my belly. Do you know that? I got a fart bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta let this one rip. Jordan. Oh, I do feel like when she went into labor, she's like, let's go shit this baby out. Like I do feel like... She was watching Top Gun when she went into labor. Shut the fuck up. Are you serious? Yeah. That makes so much sense. I'm so surprised your name's not Maverick. Literally, Cause.

So, um, do you know anything about what happened to you in utero? In utero? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm eating my ass. Her mom was using a fucking two by fours. Yeah, she was working in the field. She was a contractor. Okay, so like for me, like what I was able to put together because I was like, why am

I so broken? And I started like learning like neuroscience stuff and the something called epigenetic imprinting that the neurochemicals that you get in utero, you're born addicted to the same way if you do crack when you're pregnant you're gonna give birth to a crack baby right so I even as a toddler I was like what's this knife like I was seeking adrenaline subconsciously all the time and you know it's like one of the first things I would ask a you know sponsor in ACA is like and I'll ask you is that if you're gonna be somewhere at four o'clock and it takes half an Hour to get there what time do you leave? 335

Or clock so that's a way to subconsciously get adrenaline, you know, I mean that's not living life on my god. That's I Always do that too. No, we're always like, yeah, great works out for us But it's a way but it's also a way to accumulate shame because a lot of it's a shame addiction You know, holy shit I can't even be on time and then you walk into a situation where everyone's like hey, dude And you're like, I'm sorry. You just blew my mind. I hate myself And then you're getting there. You're like, am I gonna make it? I don't know if i'm gonna make it or not I'm gonna be late. I'm such a piece of shit. It's a way to kind of just whoa

You do enter every room with gifts too. Like you're like, i'm sorry. That's a big coda thing too One of my bottom lines is like no extravagant gifts. I had to, I. Give me back the auto blow. Dude. Dude, all. Whoa. Yeah. So it's like one of my like main bottom lines.

I remember going to a friend's rehab once and the woman that spoke over the holiday. Sorry, sorry. It's my mom. She's like, were you mentioning my belly? The woman that spoke over the holiday She's like were you mentioning in my belly she's like I didn't do I didn't do shit when you were in there I didn't do anything to you. Do you know your ancestral? She's we're all from Ithaca. Okay, but what was Italian they were grown in the She's an adrenaline junkie every sport she played she was up on ladders while she was pregnant. She's totally.

There was no like. Dude, that's so funny, because when my mom was pregnant, my dad like played guitar up to her belly and put headphones on her. That might've stressed her out. Played records and read poetry. And I think that's why I'm so sensitive and gay.

Wow, yeah. My dad hit my mother while she was pregnant. That was hitting me. My dad hit me. Totally. Where's your dad? Dead, I killed him. Where's your dad?

He died of cigarettes. That's why she's so on me about smoking. So is there some kind of like, Harville Hendricks 101 of like being attracted to the negative qualities of primary caretaker where you're like subconsciously seeking to like heal this wound of being exposed to someone that you love that smokes.

No, I have the opposite where- As I hold a stuffed animal cigarette. I mean, is this for real? I get dismissive of him because he smokes. So I do the same thing that I did with him and my dad where I'm like, fuck you, you're choosing cigarettes. There's like a resentment there. There's a resentment.

If you don't respect yourself, why am I gonna respect you? But there is like a rage. I just mean like- Yeah, there're choosing cigarettes. There's like a resentment there. If you don't respect yourself, why am I gonna respect you? But there is like a rage. I just mean like, I think there's- Yeah, there's a massive rage. Well, there's also like, I can't get too attached to you. Oh, totally. You know what I mean?

Like if you're gonna do it, like I just have to prepare for the fact that this, you might not be in my life. And I think I'm just desperate for acceptance. I'm not. I'm not gonna accept your cigarette smoking. How about this? I've accepted you to the best of my ability, but a lot of times accepting you means not picking up the phone all the time.

But also acceptance is like, is a tricky slippery slope because it's like like addiction one to one, one too many, a million, not enough. So it's like, you're never going to get it. What are all these terms? What is that? Well, you know, it's like, it's like, uh, they all have them whenever I'm in the meetings. I'm like, what'd you say? And they're like, count my blessings and a tip in a toe. And I'm like, what, what did you say? I need help. I'm so cryptic today. Thank you. Walt Whitman. But I masturbated. It's insane. One too many million. Not enough is like why being like, abstinuous is like the only option. You're gonna have to go back and say that fucking word abstinuous, abstaining from

you have to be abstinuous. So it's like if you're going to quit smoking, there's no like having one cigarette a day. Yeah, one too many, a million, not enough. Yeah. So that's what they say would say about drinking.

It is and also validation. You know what I mean? Do you not drink? I I'm fine with drinking. OK, I don't do it a lot. It's not drink? I'm fine with drinking. Oh, okay, okay. I don't do it a lot. It's not my like control is my kink, being in control and you know, so drink and being like efficient and having my brain work.

So like any kind of hangover, like I just, not for me. My problem, oh no. My problem is more like, and this happened when I was in a lot of grief, like was weed more. Weed is cool. Yeah, but it made me dumber. We hate weed, but I always say in school women smoke weed. I don't need to be dumber.

You know what I mean? But I like, and my- You didn't get scared? What do you mean? Off weed. What about it? The fear, the eternal, eternal fear that you might do something horrible to your body

or somebody else when you smoke weed? I didn't have that. God, I'm really jealous. No, I didn't have that. I actually had a respite from my own mind, I felt like, and I did. Well, it depends on the kind of weed because it did go south. My mom died and I didn't really have like a ton of grief. It was like she was in a bed for 10 years.

It was like time, but I went off birth control and off Prozac simultaneously. Just cold turkey. Because she died? Manzac simultaneously, just cold turkey like- Because she died? Maniac, well, just cause I like couldn't cry when she died and I was like, am I associated with that? But it was just, there were really no tears left. But when you're on birth control and I was just like, I need to, I feel like I need to cry.

You know what I mean? I need to be like, I need to get all the attention at this funeral. Yeah. And then I, everyone, when I was doing the OnlyFans roast of we did one of me and one of Burke Reicher, everyone was micro dososing mushrooms, okay? I don't know if that's happening a lot here.

It's like there was kratom happening, but the microdosing mushrooms, I love when drug addicts call it medicine. You know what I mean? It's a plant, so it wants what's best for you. I am all for microdosing mushrooms, I should say. Me too. I wouldn't mix it with California weed right now, I guess, or whatever with my OCD, ADD, all the things that I have,

whatever. I had a manic episode. Did you really? From the mushrooms? I scheduled a zoom call with a maritime lawyer because I. What was convinced I knew where the Scientology ships were? Wait, are you serious? No way. Why would I? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where were they? To you?

Yeah. What? Well, what? You know that, I mean, look, this is- If he said this, I would understand. But when he- Wait, wait, wait. What?

Completely so. Well, here's the thing. When I, I'm such a like- You're a day away from tin foil. I'm not gonna be one of these people that's like, I am an empath. Like I just like, I come from, you know, abuse, sexual abuse, like children, like children and animals being harmed.

Like if you add any more empathy to me, it's like all I'm gonna focus on. And I found out, cause I did start reading these Scientology books when I was stoned because I'm going to focus on. And I found out because I did start reading these Scientology books when I was stoned because I'm not, I shouldn't say who sent it, but whatever. I started like getting like a friend of mine gave me, you know what it was actually, wasn't it Robert Green who wrote the 48 laws of power. He did give me like a vintage Scientology book in Scientology. It did. I was rejected by solid Scientology when I came to LA, and I think I still have like a deep.

You tried to join? I tried to join when I was 21 years old. I had no money, I was $40,000 in debt. I went with a friend of mine who had just been in a big movie, and that's when they courted people that were about to be really famous. And I went, and I grew up, I didn't have money growing up, and I come to LA, and LA's kind of a shithole. And I remember being like, where's the glitz and glamour of being a Hollywood?

And they invite her to the Celebrity Center. And I'm like, I want to live there. I want to be there. They go in. There's like a buffet. There's like pudding. It's like a sizzler. No, it's like a sizzler. I love sizzler.

Dude, chocolate pudding and cottage cheese. That salad bar and all you can eat. The croutons. So I'm just putting shit in my Jansport. chocolate pudding and cottage cheese. That salad bar and all you can eat shrimp. So I'm just putting shit in my Jansport and they gave you like this big tour. They're courting my friend, Jennifer Goodwin, and I'm just like, I'm in. Yes, please. I saw like one famous person. I was like, I'm sold.

All the people from law. They said no. Law and order? Lost. Oh, yes. And so I'm like, I'm in on this. Stabler's in there, I'm in there. They're not interested in me at all. They're giving her pamphlets.

They're giving her like books. They're giving her water. They have their own water by the way. I think it has lithium in it. Sick, by the way. Lithium works. You know, there's a place in Japan where they put lithium in the water

and there was zero suicide and depression. And for Asia, that's impressive. Whoa. In Asia? They jump off buildings if they get them from E+. They die off of every building. The suicide force. Ithaca, the Asia of New York.

I'm obsessed with the suicide force. But so anyway, so they- What's a suicide force? Suicide force is in Japan where everybody goes to kill themselves. Oh, Hiroshi. Oh, no, that's spontaneous death from overwork. Hiroshi.

These homies be- I thought that was that series. Japanese guy be going, that's Kashi. Very good. These Japanese guys just spontaneously die all the time. And then. Would you write a Japanese terms?

No, just Kashi, because I'm very interested in it. That was impressive. Something that I do love that I kind of try to live my life by a little bit is wabi sabi, the concept of wabi sabi. Wabi sabi rips. Rips. What?

It's about like it it's basically the, I think, Japanese concept that when something is broken and healed or broken and fixed, it's actually more valuable than if it never broke at all. I'm a wabi-sabi. That we all are. We're all wabi-sabi. But the aesthetic wabi-sabi is amazing. You know, like if a bowl breaks, they fix it with gold.

Like they gild it. What's up, babe? Kinsugi, what's up, babe? Chris Cole is here, everybody. What's Kinsugi? I like how you guys say babe a lot. We say, dude, if you date a skateboarder, is that a joke? Dude, dating a skateboarder is just babe, babe, babe. No, no, no. We are babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe. I hate it. I hate it, but I love him so much. I've never been in love like this before. Really? Yeah It's why you know who he loves my dog. You know what that means? I love him all men all men They can't say I love you to you. They see a dog. They've never met. They're like, I don't think I've ever had Yeah, I what are you showing me? Wait, sorry.

Oh, it's 10 a.m. You have to leave, right? It's 10, I know, let's leave in five minutes. Okay. Is that from? That's our whole talk. Just voice messages my mom on accident. Oh, Jesus.

I need to know about the being bored in relationships because- Tell me about Wasabi. No, I'll tell you about it. I need to know this because I think about this thing that she said all the time, but let me tell you why I think about it all the time. Because I'm only in toxic relationships and I look up to you a lot.

I respect you a lot. I think you're very amazing and beautiful. I do very much. You're very funny. You're so funny and you're a lady and you're a comic and you're pretty. And you have a baby and I want a baby and you have a skateboarder boyfriend who's really cool.

And you know, I really look up to you and you said you have to learn how to be bored. And I was like, ooh, that's like my one problem Yeah, but you're very much in love. Are you bored? No people like I actually value boredom a lot It's just I it's we use the wrong words for a lot of things Yeah, like I'm big on words like if we're in a relationship together, I'm not gonna say this isn't healthy Okay, we're pathologizing ourselves. If you're doing this thing say this isn't helpful Okay, you know I mean like instead of pathologizing yourself. If you're doing this thing, say, this isn't helpful. Okay. You know what I mean? Like instead of pathologizing yourself and beating

yourself up, I think comics, especially we tend to like self-flagellate and beat ourselves up and stuff, but words have power. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's like they call it spelling because it's you're casting a spell. You know, it's like, I love shit like that. You know why they call alcohol spirits? Cause it takes years away. By the way, Jim Carrey, depression means deep rest.

You need deep rest when you're depressed. Depression is just anger turned inwards. That doesn't have the semantic. Depression is very white. Huh? You're depressing your luck right now. It's just like my depression. I was finally Gary Goldman came on my podcast and blew my mind because

he helped me out a lot. Yeah, totally. Because I was like, no, no, no. Like I never sleep. I'm actually like, you know, like I'm always up. I'm always moving. There's so much I want to do. And my workaholism, that's a whole other separate separate thing. I went to a workaholics and ottom autonomous meeting one time. Everyone was after people who liked workaholics, but they couldn't admit it. Stop watching work. No, I am there.

Made their life unmanageable. You had to hide it from their friends. I just love Anders. No, I went to work hall. It'solics anonymous meeting. Everyone was 30 minutes late. It was in LA. So there were some like really successful people. I went to a workshop on time management and I showed up 20 minutes late. Same thing you said.

Go ahead. At the end of the day, it is a I'm terminally unique and I get to show up late because I'm me. Do you know what I mean? The irony is, the irony. I need to be unique so I'll be the late one. You know, but the irony is we, you see, I'm a piece of shit in the center of the universe. It's the like, we think we have low self-esteem

but being like 20 minutes late where else like I'm just. I wanna be noticed as soon as I walk in. King baby. I kind of pathologize my lateness because my dad died at work and if he had been late, I had told myself that he wouldn't have died. And I think I did. How bad I am.

No, no, you're not right. Self-limiting belief. Yeah. And I would always do this thing for like 20 years where I'd look at time and then compare it to when he was going to work at time. So this is your disease justifying itself by bringing your dad into it. Yeah, yeah, but now it's just I'm a piece of shit. Maybe it's changing your life time. By the way, we're 40.

There's a point where our parents are off the hook. Yeah. There's a point where. Fuck, am I a narcissist? We can't blame. No. Narcissists normally cannot acknowledge that they're narcissists. I'm not a narcissist. You know what I mean? You might have narcissistic traits. We all do. I mean, we definitely do.

I don't think you're a narcissist. Narcissists believe everyone is an extension of them. I am not. I'm not a narcissist. A narcissist is what? If you were a narcissist, you wouldn't be able to take criticism at all our jokes. I just said I'm not very well.

We throw the word narcissist right in the... What? I just said I'm not very well. Yeah. Well, that's actually how you diagnose a narcissist is you ask them with their one. I'm not. I don't think you are, but that's like, no, that's how you do. So like ask me if I'm a narcissist.

Probably. I just said I'm a narcissist. So I'm not. That's wow. And if somebody is like, oh, I'm a narcissist. So I'm not. Wow. And if somebody is like, Oh, I'm a narcissist. And then you would fire the therapist. Narcissists don't go to therapy and talk about whether they're narcissists or not. Okay. But I admit that I have narcissistic traits, but him saying to me, you're a narcissist because I don't pick up the phone. No, that's not the reason. What is it? I don't, you know, we don't have

your idea. What's your big idea that I'm a narcissist? A big, my big idea is a pizza shop laundromat. Listen. What happened to the coffee shop blow job machine? She made a good point. It's too hot. The water, you'd burn yourself. Maybe you're just not into that. Give me one narcissistic attribute, please. Making this about you right now. Go ahead. You were talking. Oh my God. On your own podcast? Yeah. Um, making this about you right now. Go ahead. You were talking on your own podcast. Yeah. Um, no, your podcast is called being Ian with Jordan. Narcissist. You equal part. I don't think you're a narcissist. I really don't. Thank you. I think that narcissists, I know what narcissists are and that when they walk around and they're wearing sunglasses inside is actually the biggest, the trickiest one.

I woke up an hour ago. We all did. Yeah. You have glasses on. I'm not going to take them off. I don't want you to take them off. I was actually just those are cool. Domers. I know you look there. It's a hot look on you and you should do it. The second I take this off, I like it. I like it. That's self care. Thank you so much. Yeah. Yeah. That's self respect. I appreciate it. So does not help my case. I see what you're saying. And. That's self-respect. I appreciate it. It does not help my case. I see what you're saying. And it does not help my case that I'm screaming.

And that's, it's okay to say that doesn't help instead of saying that's not healthy for my case. Yeah, you said it. So real quick. Baskin case, Green Day. I don't like Green Day. Is that a hot take? Well, you do have to leave.

What? You do have to leave now. But you can. What was it the other day, babe? Babe, I said it. Blink 182. No, no, no, no, no. Blink 182 over Green Day. Sorry. That's a hot take.

These, is it? I don't like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like men that are weak and like can't do things. I don't think that's sad. We're going to war in like two months. Like I don't, this whole men being weak and useless thing. I don't think it's sexy. I just read a thing that was like 80% of people 18 to like 24, like physically and mentally unfit for war.

Yeah, no shit. That makes sense. War in the comments section is, yeah. But I, but okay, so going to therapist, I went to a specific trauma therapist person I'm a white woman. It's so hard and Don't invalidate yourself you have it has been hard. You don't see color. Okay. No, so I and when I do I don't like it Thank you that laugh

Sad laugh gets you so far. It's like, it's like, yeah, it does. It buys you a lot. So she said to me, she's like, your problem is cause I go, I'm bored. I get bored in relationships. I get bored. This person's bored. I'm bored.

I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. And she's like, ah, your problem is that you conflate boredom and serenity. Serenity, it can't be boredom. Serenity has a good thing. But I'm saying, but we don't serenity. We think it's boredom. He hadity has a good thing. But I'm saying, but we don't, serenity, we think it's boredom.

What? We're like, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. Because we can't be alone with ourselves. You know what I mean? So a lot of what we're learning to do in these programs is be alone with ourselves, which means we have to like do a little bit of a rewrite on our inner monologue,

because it's so uncomfortable for us to be in our own feelings. But you've dated the retard after a toxic relationship who you're like, this is good, it's good for me. Sure, he doesn't know how to read, but he's very nice to me. He's very doting. Why am I, why am I conflating this with, with, uh, that he's not good enough? Everybody's good enough. And the next thing you know, you're dating a dude who fucking thinks the killers is the best band in the whole world. I think as soon as you're talking yourself into anything, you're in a tricky place.

Mr. Brightside's a banger, okay? I'm standing up for it, it is an absolute banger. I like The Killers, but it's not the best band that's ever played. No, yeah, no. Postal services. The Hibes. What's wrong with you? A lot, man. I only slept for 45 minutes. I know, and I have to go, you guys, I'm so sorry.

I have to go too. I hope, I don't, I feel like- You did such a good job. I know I have to go to I hope I don't I feel like a good job I don't know I guess was nobody Did you cough the word hot sauce did I hear you yell hot sauce But I think the way that the you're the inside of your mouth? I don't think you did, but I think the way that the inside of your mouth mixed with the cough made you go hot sauce. You look like Jim Gaffigan right now. Why are you so red?

Yeah, you must. Hot pockets. Just stay all day. I want to, I want to. When are you going back? I go, Friday, I go to North want to when are you going back? I go Friday I go to North Carolina or South Carolina to do shows, but I'm working in New York Oh nice. Yeah, so you'll still see her. Yeah come by the friends experience. I'm getting scared. Huh? I'm hosting the friends game show

Well, you know what? I'll be there for you. Yeah No, no Well, you know what? I'll be there for you. Yeah. You guys keep going. No, no, no. I love this. You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to do the mind meld thing with you guys. We can do it real quick. My boyfriend and I truly it's the only time I ever thought we might break up. Babe. Babe.

Babe. Oh, you couldn't meld? Me and my best friend of since we were 11 just did it. And it didn't even come close to how fast me and Ian did it. So it's not a matter of closeness. It's just how retarded level you are. You know what I mean? Why? No, it's not.

You're soulmates. You're soulmates. You're soulmates. But at the end of the day, you should find in a relationship this. Why can't you have this? In a relationship, like this should be your boss. He just said I'm a narcissist.

And I said he's flirting with you. No, we name call. Yeah, but like is that name? It's like a moron. Do you know what I mean? No, I know what you mean. There's many times where I've been. This is what love looks like. I know. You're both unfamiliar,? No, I know what you mean. There's many times where I've been. This is what love looks like.

I know. You're both unfamiliar, but I do think you should know that you guys are in love. I just think someone should tell you at some point. It doesn't mean you'll marry him if he quit smoking. And he doesn't want this. She also told a guy she gave him an extra pack a day. So he started smoking an extra pack a day. He quit drinking, he quit drinking, and then she didn't do it.

Yeah. Yeah. So she's a lying narcissist. That's because my toxic ex came back. What was I supposed to do? I was finally good enough for my ex. I started getting successful so he came back. I would have killed that man. What if I get down to five a week? Done. Five a week? Yeah. I want to know what love is. What do you want me to do? You gotta stop saying this on podcasts though. Every time somebody says we're in love, I see you get little freaking, I see you go aww. You wish. You wish. Over to your ears and eyes. Hey, no. Hey, we love you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you guys for tuning in. We love you. Patreon.com slash B and E and pod punchup.live slash Jordan Jetson punchup.live slash Ian finance. Bye bye. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.