Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep118: Born Judgin' W/ Joe List

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Thumbnail By Zach Woomer: https://www.instagram.com/zachwoomer/ https://linktr.ee/zachwoomer Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s JOE LIST: ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY - FULL SPECIAL : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkE8_bHaXiU Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and get a FREE $20 credit to the first 500 to sign up at http://kalshi.com/ian  Support the show and get 10% off the best hummer ever. Use code SKA at https://www.autoblow.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Joe List Here : https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/ https://punchup.live/joe-list JOE LIST: ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY - FULL SPECIAL : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkE8_bHaXiU Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Here's Ian and here's Jordan with some dates. See us on the road. November 7th through 9th, I'm in Tampa, Florida. November 15th to 16, Pittsburgh improv. November 17th, Cleveland, Ohio hilarities. Following weekend, I'm in Toronto and then Denver. December 5th to 7th at ComedyWorks. Los Angeles, December 8th.

Just added Phoenix, Arizona, stand up live, December 21st to 23rd. I may be wrong on that. It may be 19 to 21st. And then Baltimore, December 11th to 12th. And you know, no, 13 to 14th. Oh God, just go to punchup.live slash Ian finance for all my dates, all my tickets. And we're doing a live podcast at the Rhode Island Comedy Connection December 30th. And I'm headlining December 31st, New Year's Eve with a very special guest. My dates are November 15, 16. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee.

And then I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina. I'm in Virginia Beach. I'm in Seattle, Vancouver, Stanford, Connecticut. That's a great picture. I'll forget it. I'll for at a Georgia, Indianapolis, Raleigh, Buffalo, Boston, St. Louis, then Dublin, London, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Berlin, Philadelphia, Rochester, Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Tampa,

and then Portland, Oregon. And then right after that is Denver. And where can they find you? Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen. And who are you for Halloween? I'm Shelley DeWall in the Shining. And I'm Jack Nicholson, man. That's it. Well, enjoy the show. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt.

It's a wild ride. Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. It looks perfect. I feel so it's okay if I leave at eight, all right. I feel terrible. Here's Ian and Jordan. Welcome back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan. Do the same cadence the whole time. How else does he talk?

It's like that, but you can't do it for an hour. I bet you I can. Okay, just take the last word and make it shorter. I bet you I can. There you go, good. You can talk like that. Welcome back to another episode. No, no, no.

Just talk normal. With Jordan. That was Dylan. I have a. That better? No. Go welcome back to another episode. Welcome back to another episode.

No screaming. Welcome back to another episode of Be and Be and Be and Be and with Jordan. Do you want me to talk like Kelly DeVal the whole time? Oh, welcome to the, we have a guest with us. He's here. Our guest is here. I'm the guest. I think that was too much though.

That's what he does. He goes like this. Yeah. Oh, man, people are going to hate me if I keep doing that. I like the impression, by the way. It's a little Dylan. It's a little Nicholson. It's a little you know, very little Nicholson. It's it's it's Robin Williams in

Aladdin talking to Aladdin when he goes, you got to be a straight shooter. Do you got it? You got to be a straight shooter, do you? You got it? That's what you're doing. You gotta be a straight shooter, do you? You gotta. That's exactly what the impression is. For some reason, I was picturing you guys gonna be the twin girls. I know.

Did you say that? We thought of that, and then I ordered the twin girl outfit for Ethan, but it didn't come. Sounds like my wife. My wife. He wanted to do something where he could do a voice. The twins girls don't.'t play with us, Johnny. You could have done that.

I did want to do. I wanted to be Dracula. I want to suck your cock. So he could say that. Which I think he says on stage, like in June. Now, can I ask a quick question? I don't watch the program regularly. Is this for Halloween

or is this what it looks like? For Halloween. Okay. Halloween. Because it works. This is for regular. Thank you. Okay. Yeah, that usually sits next to the guest. This is amazing. Feel free to spark that up. Does every guest do this? No. You're the first. You are.

Really? I don't think so. What about this? You are the first for that one, man. All right. Well, thanks for having me. I'm sorry I'm very late. Thanks for coming. And thank you for complimenting the apartment. I appreciate it. I really do. You like it because there's a stripper upstairs.

I like that lady very much, but is that a stripper? Yeah. What? Ooh, what? Red Rock. Me like. Red Rock gonna come. I feel like I'm not doing Danny at all.

You're nailing it. I'm doing like almost like a Tom Waits. Danny in the movie is just this. Yeah. I don't know. That's Danny. I think he stinks. He annoys me.

Yeah. Really? Did he ever end up acting in anything after that? I forget. Somebody told me that. I always turned to the producer. I don't even know what goes on in the show, but I'm like, someone will look this up. He was currently dressed up like a Roman emperor.

I think he was just playing with tissues. I think he's dead. Isn't he dead? Ethan? No, Danny. My son, Danny's gone. Yeah, Danny Torrance. Did he die? Something happened. There's an interesting story, right? Shelly Duvall is dead.

Well, it says he's 52 years, so I don't see anything about him. No, that's what I said. He's like, no. Something happened. Did he quit? Did he get fingered or he's dead? I don't know. Let me read something. I know what you're thinking. Yes, what am I thinking? Something. A little girl that was in Poltergeist died, died.

And the other little girl died that was in Poltergeist died. And I read they both deserved it. Is that right? Yes, they were both. Yes. Yes, they both asked for it. But I didn't know they were in Gaza. Folks, swing Gaza. Now, it was evil. Jack Nicholson talking. Every time I say something terrible, it was evil Jack Nicholson talking. Every time I say something terrible, it was the shining.

I love the shining. I like the book. I'm reading the book. Oh, one of these people. Oh, the movie is just as good. But he hated the movie. But it's one of my favorite movies. Right. Well, the movie, the thing with the movie. And I think Stephen King's point about the movie is Nicholson comes out feeling crazy right away. Like he's a little bit. That was,

that was like, that was what do you mean? He's like right away. He's like, well, you won't have any problems with us. I don't expect anything to go wrong. And he's really handsome in the book. Bond is Nicholson, not handsome Nicholson's handsome. He's very handsome and he's very much my type, but he's objectively handsome in the book. He's not related to you. It has my same name as my father, so yeah. That's why I'm a drinker. Interesting development. You think it's weird to date somebody who has the same name as your father?

Yes. My first girlfriend had the same name as my sister. Spelled differently. My friend is married to a girl who has his mother's name, same exact spelling. I don't think it's that crazy. Cause you follow up with a name is just a syllable associated with the person.

I think having sex with your mother is weird. What'd you name your child? Marty, the one man party, half man, half party. No way. That's so cool. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Oh, I love the name Marty. Thank you, Martin is his full name, but. Who is he named after, anybody?

Luther King Jr. Yeah, I did a joke of it, I tried to say, I was like, I tell black people he's named after Martin Luther King Jr. and I tell white people he's named after Marty McFly. That's great. Which is closer to the truth. I love Scorsese and McFly.

And Martina Navratilova, who's not Hispanic at all. Who? Martina Navratilova, who's not Hispanic at all. Who? Martina Navratilova. Who's that? She's a tennis player. You like her? I do. But he's not named after her.

But yeah, she's I think. Oh God, I don't know what she is. Fuck. I think she's Russian. Don't say it. Is she? No, I think she's Czech. She's Czech.

Or maybe she's German. I don't know. What would you say? No, I think she's Czech. She's Czech as a cockhead. Or maybe she's German. I don't know. What would you do if a guy was finger you and he went, do you like that? That's not, if he went, red rum, in my period vagina, I'd marry him.

That is funny. That's funny. I might try that. Period sex, do we do that? Yeah, just did it yesterday. Nice. Yeah, you got it all over my head. I don't like it. I don't like the smell.

I don't like the smell of it. It reminds me of that hallway in the overlook. This is the whole time. I love it. I think it's you have a little crush to the clown going because it's up to here. Yeah, that's good. I don't know. Can you tuck your teeth in a little when you are sitting next to me?

They're really front and center for some reason. What do you mean, man? Okay. Are you recording something? Again? Aren't you recording something? Again? Are you recording something? You're recording right now. I was like, yeah, I hope it's recording. I've got some gold. I'm doing a shooting a special on Sunday and Monday, Chicago, Zanies. I love Zanies. In the horrible room? Horrible room.

Horrible room. That room's amazing. What's the matter with you? In the shoot room, in the long room? I'm doing so I'm shooting horrible That's one of the best rooms of the country. I'm shooting Sunday in Rosemont the other one which I prefer me too, which is like a big 300 cedar And then I'm also shooting Monday in the little long room, okay Room because I heard it's notoriously hard to film there It's a long boy. It's a long boy, it's long and now it's an old, what do you call it?

I never remember the name with the tits. Burlesque. Burlesque, it's like an old, old like Burlesque theater. I think my favorite room in the country is Ainy Chicago. I love that room so much. Oh yeah, I'm excited and I appreciate the encouragement. Yeah, it's gonna be great. A nightmare.

Welcome to this. But I think I'm gonna- It's one of my least favorite rooms. Why? Rosemont's one of my least favorite rooms. Why? The Rosemont's one of my most favorite. You're crazy. You're crazy. You know what it is?

What? I have intrusive thoughts about kicking people's heads. Interesting. I've had that before. I'm dominated by the intrusive thought. Those heads are lined up. Yeah, they're right there. How do you think I feel?

I wanna chop my wife's head off all the time. Me too. I don't like this. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. That's the theme of the podcast. Yes. Loves Ian's antics. Jordan wants to slowly kill yourself. And yes, always come in and like, I love your house. This is great. Jordan's like, how crazy does the both the girls that you had imported?

I walked in and I was like, why are you here? And they were like to visit Ian. And I was like, tell me what you think you're going to get out of this. And they're like, nothing. And I was like, he doesn't have money. And they're like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I walked in and I was like, why are you here? And they were like to visit it. And I was like, tell me what you think you're going to get out of this.

And they're like, nothing. And I was like, he doesn't have money. And they're like, that's OK. And I was like, he's not that good at sex. You can't get over. First of all, I am. But that woman doesn't live here. Oh, she's just visiting. Yeah. Here's the thing. You don't. And they haven't even had think you. You don't think I have anything of value to offer.

And that's not true. Ian, I think it's crazy to visit somebody six hours away who you're sub, who you're kind of friends with just to hang out on their filthy apartment with their multiple cats. It's not a filthy apartment. It seems nice. And you make them do chores.

I don't make them do chores. Which they execute incredibly. They offer to go and get things done while we're doing stuff. They go, is there anything I can help out with? I go, yeah, actually. So don't offer if you don't wanna help. If I was visiting someone and they were working,

I would go, is there anything I can help you out with while I'm here? And if they took me up on it, it'd be great, something to do. Yeah, makes sense. Okay. Thank you. I literally went upstairs and she was watching cartoons, and I said, why are you watching cartoons?

And she said, Ian, put them on for me. Because she asked to watch cartoons! She watches cartoons? Isn't that awful? You don't watch cartoons? You can take my side a little bit. Not unusual. Yeah, yeah. You don't like Animaniacs?

She watched Animaniacs for an hour and a half. I mean, I guess. I don't regularly watch cartoons, and I have a child. Yeah. Kill yourself. Oh, I hate. There's nothing that grosses me out more than what? Growing up to watch cartoons. Why? I like cartoons.

I like Family Guy. Family Guy is good. And South Park is okay too. South Park, Simpsons. I came in the other day and Jack was watching fucking Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I was like, get out of my house. Yeah, that's no good. Right?

So bad about that. Can't stand it. Why do you have to do and I was like, get out of my house. Yeah, that's no good. Right? So bad about that. Can't stand it. Why do you gotta judge everything? I just, it's how I was born. Born judging, I came out like this.

Ha ha ha ha. Can someone draw a picture of Jordan holding herself as a baby and the baby's like, ugh. No, if I was holding myself, I would be down with it. Oh yeah. You need to hold your inner child. I think we're having different conversations. Are y'all's wigs itchy? My head hurts. Is that squeezing? It's squeezing, it's sweating, it's itching.

You can take this off. It's like hermetically sealed to my face. This is what your hair looks like without it on. No it's not. I'm seeing a lot of creatures, it just feels very crusty to me. Are you guys seeing the crusty in the clowns? What do you mean? Crusty the clown.

Because he has like the bald cap with the thing. Did you know that Crusty the Clown was originally meant to look like Homer? Cause it was a chance that Homer was going to be Krusty. Like in the initial drawing of Krusty the Clown, they thought it'd be interesting if like Bart's hero was Krusty, but Krusty was played by Homer. That's why Homer and Krusty are identical. That sounds like something to hear. Like did you know that Steve Carell was actually going to be Jim,

but then the test reading he read better from Michael Scott? Like, but that's a cartoon. I made it up. Oh, yeah. Well, it's interesting. Yeah, I liked it. Well, maybe I should start lying more. I always thought they kind of looked alike. They both have the same snout that everybody says I also have, the Simpson snout. Well, they're identical. Krusty and Homer.

Yeah. They're, if you look at them, can we pull that up? Are they? Through the monitor? Are they monitor? Are they identical? I think so. That's for show. Oh, all right. That's for show. And the five dollar bill with Barack Obama. That's not really the nine. It's a nine dollar Obama dollar. Oh, I got it in Philadelphia. Oh, that's fun. He's not nice. Who are you voting for? Kamala Harris. Nice.

And I sent my money to her too. No, you didn't. What? She texts me every day. Is wrong with you? She texts me all day every day, yeah. I love her. I'm voting in Bernie.

I vote for him every time. So gay. Really, is that right? Don't you think it's weird that the two options are like the most, like the caricatures of how each gender are kind of going right now, where it's like, the man is like this ridiculous showboat,

grabbing by the, and the other ones, it's like Xanax, like, yes! You know what I mean? Like, they're both such versions of the worst sides of things. Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I'm not thrilled about voting for Kamala. That's not, I'm not like, yeah, dude.

But, you know, that's that's my guy. Kamala, you hate Kamala. I hate them both. And I know that's such like a I will take, but that's all right. They both serve no purpose to me. And I feel that. She's just going to keep sending money overseas to kill more fucking people, but because she is like brat, everyone's like, well, it's fine.

And then Trump's like a complete fucking moron. It does serve you. If you keep throwing your penis down these horse shoots, you're gonna need them to get up to smortions and Kamala will allow you to do that. Aren't these people, I think these people hear this? You're calling this woman a horse. No, they can't hear it, but they'll watch it later. That's what I mean. Idiot. Oh, sorry.

No, you're not sorry. You know what the score is. Women who ship themselves overseas. No. Oh, sorry. Get over the fact that people want to be near me and they'll get on multiple planes to do it. That's crazy. I took two flights to get here. Yeah. I live in Astoria.

Yeah, I actually don't live in Astoria. Do you like your new place? I love it. Really? I love it. Wow. Yeah, it's a balcony. It's a World Trade Center. They're the river. I can see the

Statue of Liberty. Is it way more expensive? Is it crazy? It's way more expensive, but it's not crazy. OK, it's a lot more expensive though. But I take it. Is it really big? What's bigger, your new place or the

overlook? My cock. My cock. It's smaller than my old place. I moved to a smaller place, which is because I had to get rid of stuff. But it's nicer. I have a balcony. I have a doorman.

I have the river. Oh, that's great. How long were you in your old spot in Queens? You were there for forever. I was there for eight years. Yeah, eight years. I hate the river. How long were you in your old spot in Queens? You were there for forever, right? I was there for eight years. Yeah, eight years. I hate Astoria. Why? What?

Because it's all McDonald's and it feels very- What? What are you crazy? McDonald's everywhere, Greek McDonald's, Greek McDonald's. It's all very suburban. It's the most diverse neighborhood. It's known for its food. It's- Greek, it's all Greek. No, you're out of your mind. There's a lot of

Greek. There's a lot of Greek. That's because you know that Stavros lives in Queens. Every time I'm out there, it's like you can go to a Greek restaurant or you can go to this McDonald's that's here. Wait, where do you live? I want to **** on your stupid neighborhood. She lives in Park Slope. Park Slope. Oh, I'm eating over here. Park Slope. Are you kidding? Park Slope is overpriced and it's too hip. It's like hipster-y dorks. There's no hipsters in the story. You have a collection of dorks all up in Astoria. You've all collected all of the suburban comics up there and they all set up there and play settlers of Catan.

A lot of them have left. Like a lot of great comics have left. We had Shane Gillis, he's gone. Stavros is leaving. Look at our line. Compare Park Slope to Queens. Yeah, really. Shane Gillis, Stavros Halkias, Dan Soder, Vecchione, me. Nobody lives there. Where's Stav moving to? I don't know. He's in the city, but I don't know. He's moving to Manhattan. He's leaving that spot.

I wondered how long. God, that's such a fun spot. That's what I think. Ronald Hirshberg, we have over there. That's it. Yeah. What you got in Park Slope? Caitlin Paloofe. Oh, she moved. Caitlin lives on Lower East.

Downtown. What do you what's so good about Park Slope? Big Prospect Park. Lots of good food. Like why? Families walking around. We get if you ask any New Yorker anywhere they will say Astoria over Park Slope. You're out of your fucking tits. I agree there's better Greek in Astoria. You keep saying Greek.

It's very diverse. I lived in a Middle Eastern neighborhood. There's so much more than Greek. Park Slope is the pinpoint of the most- I agree the food is good. You just said it was bad. Yeah, you said McDonald's. I don't like that.

You said all this is Greek and McDonald's. You walk around and it feels vacant. Whenever I drive my motorcycle up there at night, it was just like a ghost town. It was all very- there weren't people. There was no hustle and bustle. Isn't that a nice resp my motorcycle up there and it was just like a ghost town. It was all very there weren't people. There was a nice respite from the hustle and bustle of the city. It's a respite. No, it's a respite. Look it up. Pronunciation, Joe, what is it?

Respite or respite? I know when you said that, I was like, great word. I like that. But then when you're saying it's not respite, it sounds nice. Now, respite, it's a nice respite from. Respite. Yeah, I don't know. Respite. Respite. Respite. Respite. Say it again. Respite.

Respite. I don't like it. I don't like I don't. There's too many overarches and, you know, over overpasses. We have Astoria Park, the largest public pool in the United States, Astoria Pool. We have we're close to the tennis center. We're close to both airports. You know what? The airport thing is not, you know, I move.

I'm talking like I still live my feeling towards Astoria. It's difficult to get to from Brooklyn. That's what it's takes Brooklyn to me. One of the many taints of Brooklyn to me. Brooklyn sucks. I love me. Brooklyn sucks. I love what Brooklyn sucks. Why? Why? Overpriced. Yeah. It's like overly woke.

It pretends to be diverse in places that it's not diverse, namely Williamsburg. People are like, oh, you got to come to Williamsburg. We're like, this is white. It's my neighborhood. Dick. Williamsburg is just. It's just white people. It's my neighborhood, Dick. Sorry, I take it back. Williamsburg is just acidic and white. No, Williamsburg, see, where we're at right now doesn't feel like Williamsburg because this is more family,

like on the cusp of Bushwick. But Williamsburg, like by the water, I agree with you on that. Well, this feels like the Roseanne. It feels like, what do you call it, the set of Roseanne. Isn't this a nice apartment? I love this apartment. Thank you. And I mean it. like what do you call the set of Roseanne? Isn't this a nice apartment? I love this apartment. Thank you. I mean, or I'll text you

now. But Astoria Astoria rules. But Brooklyn, I like Brooklyn is sprawling. The subway is always all fucked up in Brooklyn. It's far like Astoria where I was in Astoria. It took me like 15 minutes to get to Central Park. Yeah. How long would it take you to get to the cellar from your spot? Like 35 minutes. That to Central Park. Yeah. How long would it take you to get to the cellar from your spot? Like 35 minutes. That's too long.

Not too bad. But now I'm like 10 minutes away. Really? Yeah. I'm just tainted by Astoria because the person who broke my heart lives there. Well, fuck that person. I know. Oh, but also it is. I remember what you need to chop them into pieces. Whenever I go there, it's just too. We shouldn't do New York talk on the pod, but it's too,

it feels too suburban. It feels suburban. If I live in the city, I want to live in the city. I want it to be bustling. That's what you have Manhattan for. This is a nice part of town. This is not, but I mean, what don't you like about this? This, this is like an industrial wasteland. What? Industrial wasteland. Industrial wasteland. I don't think you your eyes are where your body goes. You don't have any like beautiful brown stones or trees outside.

I got a beautiful brown stone right here. Oh, what's that circle? Where is my Invisalign case? Oh, I never carry mine around. I take my Invisalign my Invisalign case? Oh, I never carry mine around I take Line to Invisalign buddies, but you must be done. No, I just take it out when I'm doing stuff But your teeth look amazing. Let me see yours. How are yours? Look? I just mine's gonna take How long have you had take it out take it out take it out All right for about I don't know May June

All right. Isn't it nice? I've had them for about, I don't know, May, June, July. Does it hurt? The first, you wear each tray for like two weeks and the first few days is sore. Yeah. But it doesn't hurt. No. I mean, it's sore.

Is it expensive? I think it's like $6,000 or something like that. Oh! Yeah. At a time? Go girl. Mine isn't two weeks. Mine's one week each.

Yeah, I don't know. I have 18 trays two weeks each. Do they give you all the trays at once? I'd be so nervous about losing them. They give you, they give me like four or five at a time or something like that, but I haven't lost any. I'm pretty good about not losing things. My dog has eaten many of them.

Really? Chewed them into little bits, she loves it. Oh God, that's horrible. Mine go from my mouth to the case and back into my mouth. Mine go from case and then I leave my I'd be afraid I'd lock mine in the bathroom, but then I know how to go in and get them down it.

Loved it. Well, what else we have to do? Joe, this is my favorite comedian. That's what come on. That can't be true. Oh, that's what you're saying when he was said he was running late. Anyway, I know things.

Oh, God. It was awful. Honestly, I had a lot of bad things. Oh, God. Terrible. It was awful. Honestly, I'm like, that's my worst nightmare. I'm like a people pleaser. I like to be 30 minutes early. I'm like notoriously early and no car. It was a fucking horror movie. Like nobody was picking me up. I kept saying five minutes. That's very, very helpless because of the thing, because you telling the lift driver that she was a dumb woman

and shouldn't drive her Uber. I didn't say double woman. I said, thank you, sir. And then I said, I'm sorry, I'm not used to women drivers. That was bad. And then she said, oh no, you didn't! She was like hot too. It wasn't even like, yeah, it was like a hot Jasmine. She was like a sexy Jasmine lady.

I love Jasmine. Jasmine's nice. Wow. I love Jasmine. I thought you were saying she was a sexy Jasmine. I was like, what? Yeah, she was blowing her. I hate when I get a woman Uber driver, I'll jazz. I thought you were saying she was a sexy jazz man. Yeah, she was blowing her. I hate when I get a woman Uber driver. I'll skip. Sometimes if I have to be to the airport and a woman comes I'll say cancel and order a different one. They go so slow, dude. So I'm the only good female driver. I've been having

such luck with Uber drivers picking me up. I go, hey, I'm running late. I'll pay you extra to get me there. That's not love. That's you literally bribing them. And then they go, and then they go, hey, I'm running late. I'll pay you extra to get me there. That's not love. That's you literally bribing them. And then they go, all right, and dude, 90 on the fucking 278. Choo-choo-choo-choo. Woo. And then I go, sorry, I lied. I hop out. No, I'm kidding.

I give them cash plus 20%. Nice. Originally, when Lyft and Uber came out, you didn't have to tip. That was like the whole thing. I know that. Can I tell you something? Oh, that's right. You don't tip your Ubers. Five stars. That's so wrong.

I don't either. I'm the same way. Dude, don't tell Caitlin. You don't tip your Ubers. No, you weren't supposed to. I don't understand. I'm not doing it. I already paid 36. Yeah, this is an interesting topic because the tipping, there's certain jobs, I understand

the tipping. Like restaurant, the most known tipping, the price on the menu is for the food. It's chicken parm is twenty two dollars and you go, OK, here's twenty two dollars for the chicken parm and thank you for bringing it. Here's twenty percent for bringing it to me. Yes, agreed. Driving, they're like, I will drive you from here to there for 40 bucks. What is the tip for them driving?

That's what the price is for. Yeah, if they get me somewhere on time, I'll tip them. Do you tip a cab? I tip a cab. I do tip a cab. What's the fucking difference? Because it was the whole thing for the lift. That was the whole purpose. Yeah. Yeah, but it destroyed the cabs.

Because now the lift and the Uber it changed because destroyed the cabs careers and now the lift and the Uber is more expensive than the cab. Exactly. That's why we don't tip. I shouldn't have said that. That goes against my point. Look, I get into a yellow cab, I go 40 bucks to take me home.

They say yes. And then I give them 40 bucks. And that includes everything. Dude, I hate when the taxi drivers go, I didn't start my thing. You ever get that? Yeah. No, it's good when they don't start it. Then so then because it's not charging you. No, but then you always end up paying more. They'll be like, I guess

it's this much, which ends up being more. The laundromat is another thing. I don't I don't understand the job. I tip at the laundromat. I do too. I tip everywhere. I tip at a fucking Walgreens. I tip every single server at clubs I work and you don't do that. Whoa. What are you talking about? No, you know all of the staff. Oh, no, I tip the fucking people to take care of the green room and then I bring the entire staff coffee. I said I tip the whole side. I say how many people you have on staff?

They say nine people. I said each one of them 20 bucks and then whoever served me more. Because they work twice as hard because they're serving drunk people. The other bitch was just give it serving me and my freaking dog a couple carrots. She has to eat carrots in the green room. But she's serving the, she's got a table also. Yeah, she's also got a table, idiot. My lady?

Yeah. She does? Yes. She's not just my special? No. No. She's not your servant. Well then she's a two time in her room,

she deserves less. Do you tip everybody or do you just tip the lady in the green room? I heard you don't do that. A little birdie told me that you are very stingy. Who said that? Every single club I do, I do that.

You're lying. I'm not. Who said that? You have to tell me every single club I do that. You better tell me right now. I'm telling you the truth. I don't want to blow up the club spot. That's crazy.

You're lying. No, I'm not. What? You are lying. I'm not lying. What club said that? I don't want to tell you. You have to.

It's a breach of trust. It was Mizers in Miami. Where was he just? I was just in. Where was it? Was it there? I was in Houston. No, I was you know, I'm forgetting where I

know we all do that. That's right. I remember specifically I I tipped really well and they were like, wow, tell tell Jordan to pick up some of the slack. They did not say that. Yeah. You're lying. I'm telling you the truth.

Pinkies where? My hands hurt. Okay. No, no, no. Fine. Say that they're not whores. What, your girlfriends? Yes.

Okay. I was lying. Okay. Nice. Mean. Mean lie. Got you.. Okay. Nice. Hee hee. Mean. Hee hee. Mean lie. Hee hee.

Got you. Halloween trick or treat. I've heard some bad shit about you though. What have you heard? I heard that too. Yeah, totally. It's a thing that goes around. Chokes over.

Crusty. Come on, tell me the truth. How long did it take to make that? We really had fun. We made it on the Patreon. What are we talking, half hour? Hour. Two? Two hours. How long did it take to make that? We really had. We made it on the Patreon. We're talking half hour. Hour.

Two. Two hours. No, we had to dry and then we had to cut it out. We painted the wood a couple of times. Ian ended up finishing it, which I don't like the way it look of it, but mine was finishing it like wood coming on it. Coming on coming as peanut coming as come on it. My jazz. Doesn't it look like wood panel? It does. on it. Coming on coming is coming is come on it. My guess.

Doesn't it look like wood panel? It does. It looks exactly like wood. Yeah. I would have guessed that folks and you something. Yeah. Is that OK to do? Yeah. Yeah, of course. And we're done here.

All right. Yeah. I'm so fucked up if you guys plugged it in. Oh, my God. Oh, you know what I'm close to? You're a big Ghostbusters guy. Yeah, I know. I'm right by the firehouse. Yeah, I'm right down the street. Oh, my God. Amazing.

Really? On Franklin Street. Oh, look at that. Oh, god amazing. Really? On Franklin Street. Look at that. Oh I'm gonna come. Get a close-up of this. Ethan zoom in. I really want to know more about what it's like to be a touring comic with a baby. You can only do it because you have a wife right? Are you thinking of having one? I couldn't do it by myself. Uh well Rachel does it, Rosebud does it by yourself. I mean I would have a partner so you're no good at hell. What about an au pair? Au pair or a full house. Get an au pair ofbud does it by yourself. I mean, I would have a partner. So you're not going to help. What about an au pair? Au pair or a full house. Get an au pair of nuts and do it yourself.

An au pair, an au straight. I'm so much funnier without my headpiece. Absolutely. I think you'd be better without a microphone. Hi folks. Brad, Rob. Pop slurs it. He talks.

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Can you do that? No. Cal-She has already facilitated over one billion worth of trades. Billion. I said billion, not million, not trillion, but billion. So put your money where your mouth is and sign up using my link cal-she.com slash Ian. That's fucked up. I didn't ask them to do that. That's really fucked up. Why'd they put Ian? We need a different promo code. I don't like that. I don't like it either. Cal, K, it's an AA thing. K-A-L-S-H-I dot com slash I-A-N. I don't like that. We'll change it. And the first 500 traders who I, stop I stop man. And the first 500 traders deposit 100 bucks will get a free 20 dollar credit. Just click the link in the show title in the show notes for 20

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That's autoblow.com code Scott for 10% off. Enjoy it. Here's being Ian with Jordan. The pro job machine. Well, yeah, you'd need some help. Yeah. Do you have a partner? No. You're just going to have a baby. Look, I don't want a man to be near me ever again.

I don't want no man. Yeah, you could. I mean, it would be hard to work the road without help. But what if I had a Jamaican lady? You can get a Jamaican lady or any lady. I go to I'm in a nice neighborhood now and it's all nannies. I'm the only parent there. Isn't that crazy? All kinds of races.

I can't actually imagine. Even when I have a dog walker, I feel worried about her the whole time. Yeah, it's weird to have. I think it's weird to have. I don't think it's weird. Whatever. I don't want to judge anybody. But a nanny, I'm not into the nanny situation. People do that like the whole time.

They're with the nanny. And then they get very close with the nanny. Right. Resentful of the parent for not time they're with the nanny. Then they get very close with the nanny. Right. Resentful of the parent for not being around instead of the nanny. They're talking in a Jamaican accent because the nanny was there more than the parents were. No mom! Both went Italian for some reason. That was my Jamaican. No mom, no that's a Jamaican. No mom!

Yo mom! Take me to the beach. I'm four. What? You are the worst at impressions of anybody on the show. What do you mean? I'm Donald Trump. I have a good impression.

Oh my God. It's crazy. I'm Garfield. No. Do Christopher Walken, the easiest impression of all time. A man in a mouse. That's not bad. Is curdling milk.

Catch him again. And I hid a watch in my ass. Pulp Fiction. I'm really good at this game. Really? Yeah, what else? I was in Vietnam. Pulp Fiction again.

Okay. Do you have a hunter? Yeah. Oh, okay. What about this? Impression off. How do you write a woman? I think of a man and then I remove all reason and accountability.

Nicholson? In. A few good men? As good as a guy. That's what I meant to say, I knew that. That's what I was trying to say. You can't handle my nuts. You can't handle the truth. You can't handle the truth.

You sleep under a blanket of freedom of which I provide, sir. Wow. Was that Tom Cruise? No, that was not. Tom Cruise is... Show me the money! Show me the money!

That movie sucks. Yeah. What a bad, bad film. It's bad. Wasn't Cuba Gooding Jr. a molester? Did you see the substance yet? I haven't seen the substance. Is it good? I'm going tonight. Oh, bad, bad bill. Wasn't Cuba Gooding Jr. and molester. Did you see the substance yet? I haven't seen the substance. Is it good? I'm going tonight. Oh, you have a spot.

Yeah, we're going to go see the substance. But I want to see Terrifier and also Smile 2. I saw Smile 2, but I didn't see Smile 1. Did you like it? I liked most of it. And then I thought the end day, I was like, what the fuck was that? Dude, me and Shane saw it when it came out. I think we were in Arizona and I'm sitting there.

And you know when like someone's looking at you, you kind of look over, I look over and he's like this. So I screamed in the theater. Oh, that's fun. And then he did it to me while I was peeing. He came up behind me and smiled and I fucking got pissed everywhere. Yeah, I didn't see the first one,

but the second one was good and it was all, it was like a lot of like, it felt like it was about addiction and anxiety. Oh, I like that. Yeah, it was a lot of good stuff. Was it a lot of jump scares? There was a few jump scares. But then there's also, I don't wanna get too much away,

but like this dream aspect that was like, that was a dream. Well, that was a dream. And after a while I'm like this, so what am I watching then? Right. I don't get it. The best part of Smile One is when she's putting makeup on and it reminds me so much of like when you're in your 30s

and you haven't slept in days and you get that like skin colored makeup and you just start gunking it on under here to like cover up and be like, you're normal. I'm looking in the mirror. That was the best part. And it's two seconds of the movie where she's just like, I still do that. Yeah. Right around. Is this going well for my good guests?

All right. I never know. It's a hard podcast because it's just shooting the shit. We have no segments. We have no nothing.? All right. I never know. It's a hard podcast because it's just shooting the shit. We have no segments. We have no nothing. I like that. I'm glad it's also a hard podcast because we want to ask you questions about. We don't know if you feel appropriate answer.

You know what I mean? So you just have to set boundaries if you ever need to. All right. I got no bound. Anyway, what was the last time you fucked your wife? Yeah, most of the time you came and it shot out. Did you take a break from sex after

the baby for a long time? Six problems with your ass. Yeah. Did you just jerk off in front of her? No, the thing about it is you're You came and it shot out. You take a break from sex after the baby for a long time. Six weeks. Six weeks. Yeah. Did you just jerk off in front of her? No, the thing about it is you're so exhausted. You're not even like. The baby cried all the time.

You had to keep waking up. You don't regret it having the kid. No, no. You looked away. Well, I was thinking about it. Did Sarah have any postpartum stuff or was she. No, I think she had some. Yeah.

That's funny. No, well, your brain doesn't work that way to be like, boy, I wish I didn't have this kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes a second to bond with it as a father, right? But his face looked like you, didn't it? He's supposed to come out looking at things like that. Did you know immediately, like, I love him so much.

Guys, this is 14 questions at once. I haven't even been able to answer one of them. Sorry. Well, we said we were going to. Really? Did I? No, that's the thing that was weird is like, I mean, I felt like it's a babe, but you don't feel like, whoa, deep connection. You're just tired and exhausted and you're like great.

And it's exciting. I felt more love for my wife in the moment. She just gave a baby and she's crying and emotional. And then he's sweet, but you're not like. You're just like, okay, great. I think so. I think she was exhausted to just it was just exhausting. Did you get the thing that the comedians pass around the shaky baby? What? Shaky baby thing that Schumer gave to Rachel.

The snoo. Yeah, the snoo. We had a snoo. Yeah. It's a snoo. A snoo is like it's like a crib, but it uses like almost like AI. It shakes the baby like or rocks the baby to sleep. Because watching your act, I know what it what's the snooze. Well, just cut that, I think. Yeah. They just take that right out. Let's take it out in post, I believe. Yeah. We'll clean it up.

A snooze. We just got rid of our snow yesterday or sold it. It would rock the baby to sleep. And he's like doing this. It's funny. Bring up Amy, because I saw Amy right before Schumer and she's like, how you been doing? And I was like, good. And I was like, she's like, you're on the road. And I'm like, yeah, I'm finally making pretty good money after a long time. And she's like, good. You got to take down this number. You got, I'm finally making pretty good money after a long time. And she's like, good, you gotta take down this number.

You gotta use my nanny. I had the best nanny. It's unbelievable. She's like 400 bucks a night. Write this down. And then I had to write it down as though I might hire somebody for $400 a night. I was like, okay, great.

I saw her number. I'm like, you got it. But I was like, that's like $12,000 a month. And I was like, oh, I shouldn't have said I was making good money. Because I think she was like, oh, perfect. Yeah,000 a month. And I was like, oh, I shouldn't have said I was making good money because I think she was like, oh, perfect. Yeah, you're rich. Get this lady. I was like, oh, no, I meant that I'm making like good for white trash people.

But once a week, once a week would be nice. Yeah. But then just get like a high schooler who's just going to stay awake. Yeah. But what does $400 give you and a nanny that like, well, it's a nightmare. A hundred doesn't. Well, I think it's a nightmare. A hundred doesn't. Well I think it's a professional probably I guess. I don't know. A hundred seems low. You don't want a low ball child care I don't think.

But we just did it. We just got through it. What do you, how much do you pay a child care person? Well now we use Karen Fian and we pay her zero dollars. Really? No way, why? Because she's rich off only fans. That's right.

Wait, that's what you want. An independently wealthy. She takes her takes the kid takes him to the apartment, her apartment. No, no, like she does. She make the baby hold the camera. Nobody did. He did piss on her couch. And I was like, oh, so if you ever go to her only fans.

That couch has been pissed out. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know which couch is which, but she pissed on one of them. Does she go to your house to take care of the baby or does the baby go to her house? Well, she's watched the baby like six times. It's not like she's like our daily nanny or anything. Or like we'll go to visit her, Sarah's mother or my parents or whatever. And then there is another babysitter that we pay that's like done a couple of times or whatever. But I'm is another babysitter that we pay that's done a couple times or whatever.

But I'm asking, what's the difference? What's a normal, what do you pay normally for a nanny? I don't know, 100? And then daycare is when you're really gonna get your ass handed to you. Yeah, no, daycare is stupid money. Crazy, they rob you. Yeah, it's fun.

And usually you do something horrible to your child, like feed it high for just one or two. Or like turn it into a baby fight club or something We're like bless them sometimes Doing sorry, you're like your venue sucks your baby's gonna be molested. It's all the time. It's not I don't Sucks Astoria sucks, but you don't live there anymore. She she says awful and then goes, but I was thinking it like you go. I think I stopped my apartment's too small. I'm I'm 15 pounds overweight.

I'm not very good at everything. Now you're trying to shame yourself to make us go, oh, it's OK. Stop that. OK, sorry. I'm friends with a complete retard. I have a pod. Sorry. I'm friends with these and two. Whoo. Red. No, but, you know, child care is, you know, I'm friends with these and too. No, but you know, childcare is, you know, they'll do things where they like, we'll play with your kids with them.

They, you know what I mean? It's just, you know, it's very expensive. It's very nice. I like Trump. It's very expensive. I bet you end up sending your kid to childcare in expensive. We need to fix the childcare.

It's expensive. Oh my God. You do Trump. Need to fix the childcare. it's expensive. Oh my God. You do Trump. Need to fix the childcare, it's too expensive. Ooh, that's good. Everyone's saying it's expensive. Is it this way? Out of control.

I think it's like this. It's expensive and too much money. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They tried to kill me, but they can't. I'll watch your baby. The Central Park 5 can't ever be. Come watch the baby. Central Park 5.

I love babies. I love babies too. I love baby. I love all the babies. I like babies a lot. They're so cute. And I just like watching them look at things. It's so adorable.

Yeah, it's very sweet. When I saw Lady at the Park today, Lady Baby Dog, and that's what I wanted in my life. Lady Baby Dog. No guy coming in and being weird, no offense. You could call this podcast Lady Baby Dog. You know what I was thinking about? You're obviously the baby. Listen.

And you're the dog. He's the baby. You're the lady. I'm the dog. Listen, I was thinking about this. You need a man. You think you can raise a baby without a man? Can I say something?

You can say. I was talking to my mom today on the phone and I was talking about this. Can I talk about this? You need a man. You think you can raise a baby without a man? Can I say this? Can I say something? You can say- I was talking to my mom today on the phone and I was talking about how my problem with dating is I'm always trying to find somebody to replace my father to be this kind of like weird, cold thing, right? Obviously every woman is like this. But you said your dad loved you a lot. Later, once I got skinny.

Listen, so then- This is tragic. So what I'm thinking is, you know how when, okay, you know how every girl is like a love addict and dates these horrible men and it's like a trope? I think it's because their dads growing up weren't able to like be fully dads and they got a little weird around their child's sexuality

and stuff and they'd be like, that's a weird thing that I don't talk about, talk to your mother about. So then that makes us attracted to dudes who are like, I don't know, you're a little bit weird and I'm not that, I can't really deal with you fully. So I think as a dad, what you need to do, you need to be fucking weird.

Like fully balls deep in it. Don't ever say go talk to your mom. Be like, I'm your fucking weird dad. And that makes a secure child. All right, good to know. I think I'm a sweet dad. You're gonna be great. Thank you.

What the fuck are you talking about, dude? What? You're like, you gotta be a weirdo to not have your kid be fucked up. What? I think so. You gotta be like, really, like, I am your dad, I'm gonna talk to you about everything I'm not gonna do, cause dads do this thing where they go,

that's weird for me to talk to you about cause I'm a man and you're a growing child and that's weird, but you have a son so it's different. That was a better Trump impression than your actual Trump impression. That was an incredible Trump, thank you so much. That's weird, it's weird, talk to your mother. It's weird, they're Chinese, my baby's Chinese. She never stood. It's weird. Talk to you. They're Chinese my baby's Chinese

She never stood over the fryer later watching the fries You see that video. Thank you come again. She never sat over the fries. You can't pathologize your life and then go everyone's like this Yeah, I yeah again. I think women No, why do you even say that? Because you're just trying to make me wrong in some way. No, I think parents need to just... You're literally doing the same thing I'm doing,

but just saying a different thing so that you can be right. And that's why I can't finish the thought because I'm trying to do that. Yeah. I have no thoughts. Exactly. I got nothing to say. That's the first honest thing you've said. I'm trying to do that. Yeah, I have no thoughts Here's empty brain

Yesterday you're fucking moving the laser for the cat and you have this look on your face like you're and I'm like Oh, he's thinking about something something's wrong and I'm like Ian. What are you thinking about? You're like nothing It's just I'm transfixed by this laser and I was like, oh, you're just fully retarded. You're just a dumb person. I got what? No, I got lost in the laser. You ever get lost looking at something? I have this a lot where people think I'm deep in thought, but I'm actually just rolling a booger and enjoying it. Like, I'll get a booger and it's just a really fun roll.

Are you were you a booger eater? Oh, no, no, I hate that. Against it. People that does it. No, that's crazy. I that's crazy. Do that. That's crazy. That is really that that is more

triggering to me than anything. The idea that you don't have sex with a woman's on her period, but will eat boogers is really a fucked up. I don't eat boogers. Booger eating to me is the most, I can feel it. One of my best friends will slip it in.

And I go, Slip it in. Sorry, sorry, sorry. My friend watched a guy, Slip it in. A person take boogers out and put them like on a piece of paper, like a collection of them,

and then take them like a dip. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, Joe, no. I swear to God, he saw that happen. Who? A comic? Maybe. Who? We'll talk Alpha Air. Oh, we will talk Alpha Air. Alpha Air, Alpha male, Alpha Air. Oh God, someone does that?

Yeah. Oh, spoon man. He wiped it on the paper. Oh, my God. I have to go see. Like they made like a charcuterie of boogers. Yeah, he put it together like a pile of boogers and put it in his mouth. Oh, they did it like a spread in a football game. Like a dip. You mean they put the boogers out like nachos.

And this is the person that they put them out. There's a person who people have sex with? I mean, I'm sure, yeah. This person's not a virgin. Do I know them? So you're saying- I don't know if you know them. They put the boogers out on a piece of paper

like they were serving a moosh moosh before dinner. This picture like a pile of green sticky boogers. A pile of green different boogers sticky to the paper. like in the gums and they would pick it out. No, they would chew on it like a dip, like a dip, like a solid dip on the boogers. Like wet, like, Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, that's so wet. Yeah. Oh, just seeing the pile was like fucking awful. And then the pile was unstick good. Here's Pukie like the glue off the back of a gift card. Oh God. It was like that paper with the candy and you peel the candy off

the boogers from someone's nose. That wasn't you. Different colors. It was me. And then he walked on stage with it in there. Did a performance. No, he did not. Stop, you're lying. Are you kidding?

I swear to God. Swear to God. Swear to God. A wet booger. Oh, God. I have a video. And they were like slimy, slinky guys? Yeah. Like snails.

Rain gooey with some gray, like with the stretchy gray. Were there any nose hairs attached? I don't know. Probably. I actually thought if you threw up, it would go with the decor of the fuck you, Joe. No, I get a good way. Oh, OK. My mouth is flooded with that. Come boogies. Red, okay. My mouth is flooded with that. Come. Boogies?

Red, red come. Boogers. Boogers. Boogies. I can't stop eating. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. I'll tell you who after.

You should make boogers at the pool. Please tell us. It reminds with Buddha, Shreedlander. Oh no. No, no, it wasn't, you know. I'm gonna make it. It reminds us of. I meant to say R. Oh, no, it wasn't. You know, it reminds us of I meant to say rhymes with and then I said rhymes with Garif Papir, Garif Papir, Hanan Rocheburger. Oh, God, no, he'd be appalled.

No, but him eating just like soup is as bad as me. The first time I went on the road with him. I watched him eat stew and I was like, Ron is a good boy. I love Ron and I have Ron. Ron keeps for a minute. He's got a girlfriend. He's domesticated. He had his recyclables in his closet.

Like he opened his closet and cardboard boxes and like plastic containers came tumbling out. And I was like, what? And he's like, that's why I keep the recyclers. Ronan just doesn't understand space, spatial. That's why it's hard to watch him eat. Like when my cup holder fell off my truck, it like hooked onto the window like this. And he was just tapping it against the window, thinking that magically it would

attach itself. It was crazy. I've never seen anything like it. It was like he was he was just banging it against the door. Interesting. First thing he's banged, virgin, Ronan. No, he lowkey has a super hot girlfriend is crazy. 8 p.m. Oh yeah, I have to go soon. You're here to go.

I hate myself. Where is it at? The stand. I had an 815. I love the stand. I said I left it. You're stand king? I love the stand, although last night I did the seller

for the first time in like nine months. Why did you, why have you been taking time off there? Because the stand was closer to my home in Astoria, and the stand also, you can kind of move spots and even cancel spots without them being like too pissy about it. Persona non grata. And they start on time, which is great.

And it's just a little bit closer to my house. Yeah, and you can really work out new stuff. And the other big thing is they give monthly avails and then Patrick the Booker there gives me like everything I put in for. So I would put in for the month and then leave whatever I didn't get from him. Sarah would take those other nights off. That's nice.

He's the best. I can literally give him seller's thoughts and he'll work around them. He rules. Yeah, they don't book me. That club sucks. Thoughtful. Right? Yeah. he's really thoughtful. They don't book me, that club sucks. Right? Yeah.

But I'm back in the cellar now and it was awesome last night, it was magical. By the way, if I may leave with a parting story. Do you guys play New York Comedy Club? That's my go-to. I don't, but only because I have, I mean, it's a good position to be, but I'm like, I get a lot of spots, I can't run around anymore. I don't like running from one spot to the other. And New York is a lot of couples that are Dominican and drunk.

What? What? Huh? Hold on. Let me tell you. I said it's a lot of couples that are Dominican and drunk. Oh, you know what? You're right. Who did the booger dip? Oh, I can't tell you, Rich Voss. I can't tell you. No,oss. I can't tell you. Nah.

I'm joking. I would never say on air who is such a piece of shit. Can you imagine Rich Voss? You know Rich Voss has a beautiful head of hair under that hat? Did you know that? I don't know about beautiful hair. I've seen him without a hat. He's got hair. Beautiful hair. You have your hair.

Nick Griffin. I got beautiful hair. Yeah, Nick Griffin's got good hair. Beautiful hair. You have your hair. You don't know. Think of Nick Griffin. I got beautiful hair. Yeah, Nick Griffin's got good hair. Nick Griffin does have beautiful hair. Really, really good hair. Tall, you know who has the most beautiful hair in comedy? Who? Our boy, Harlan Williams. Ian, Ian.

Stacked. Ian, what is it? Harlan Williams has great hair. Great, tall hair that's Oh, like a fucking It looks like he's in the cure. It looks like he's in the cure. Of nice gray hair.

Incredible. Yeah. You look kinda good in that wig. Yeah, you look very British. I really like it. Joseph. Hello, hello. Welcome. I don't know. See, I can be.

What's your name? Yoko Ono, Shelley Deval. With John Lennon and Yoko. Kill the cameras. Let's see if we work together. Oh, sex. The war is over if you want it. It can be Andy Warhol.

I call my studio the factory. It's Andy Warhol. I'll be Keith Haring. You know what's crazy? I'll get AIDS and die. Speaking of Halloween and things, I feel like I do have to go, but the Rosemary's Baby,

one of the great films of all time. On Dr. Saperstein. Isn't it crazy that the lady is thrown off the building But the shot, the Rosemary's Baby, one of the great films of all time. On Dr. Saperstein. Isn't it crazy that the lady is thrown off the building and dies on the sidewalk, and just a mere 12 years later, John Lennon would be shot and killed in the exact same spot. Doesn't that make it like extra haunting?

Holy shit. Whoa, is that true? Yeah, they live in the Dakota. The Dakota's like the star of the film, and that's where it all is. No way. Like where the police are and the bodies lay in there, and they're like, what happened? Whoa, that's crazy. Dakota's like the star of the film, and that's where it all is. No way. Like where the police are and the body's laying there, and they're like, what happened? Whoa, that's crazy.

It's all right where that happened. Isn't that weird? That's very weird. Yeah. Oh, the first, the lady in the first scene. The opening, yeah, the opening part, yeah. Holy shit. They do such a good job at making Mia look scarier

and scarier with just a little bit of makeup. Really good CGI sucks. And she's hot, too. She is hot. Yeah, I love Mia. Her son is Frank Sinatra's kid. That's what they say. He really. Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra's son. You heard it here first.

Joe, what do you want the people to get their eyes on? Plug away, pal. Let me plug. When's this come out? Before Halloween, I assume. Next week. Town hall. I'm in town hall in New York City November 9th

and tickets are available. Let's say that because I'm at Gramercy. That's it. No, go to his. Is that true? Oh, no, Gramercy. I sold that one. It's almost a last. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's I would be nice and juicily sold out to how

big is Town Hall? Fourteen hundred. And right when they this is the thing with comedy, they they book you and they go, congratulations, buddy. Yeah. Town hall. And I'm like, oh, thank you. And now it's I got like 800 tickets sold and I have 600 more to sell. That's great. You'll sell it out. That's fantastic. But anyway, so it's next week. It's November 9th. Oh, this is a problem with New York Comedy Festival, too. We're all competing. So does the other night before me. And I'm like, how many people have enough

money to go to all these shows? Yeah. Anyways, November 9th town hall and then December 5th through the 7th, San Diego. I'm there for the first time in my whole life. Where are you playing? American Comedy Co. Great club. Never done it in April. Make sure you get hungry because they have a dessert that's really good. Ice cream, cookie, cake, cookie, cup, cookie pie. I love that, I'll check it out. And then I have Tuesdays with stories, of course,

with Mark Normand and yeah. You're not doing the movie pot anymore, which is it? I do that sometimes too. It's really good. And you have a movie out. Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian. It's not out for the general public yet, but that's gonna, oh, and I just announced

Wilbur Theater in Boston April, Patriot's Day weekend, the Saturday, sorry. Amazing. I'm bad at plugging things, yeah, the Wilbur, Boston. That's great, Jordan, Patriots Day weekend, the Saturday, sorry. I'm bad at plugging things. Yeah, the Wilbur, Boston, April. That's great. Jordan, what do you got? I'll also be at the Wilbur in February, and I'll be at Gramercy and Rammer Night,

but the things you need to have to buy tickets for are, the, sorry, punchup.live slash Jordan Johnson. Oh, I love Punch Up. Hi, everybody. Here's Ian. Punch up dot live slash Ian finance for all my dates. I will be in Tampa, Toronto, Denver, Los Angeles, Arizona, Pittsburgh, Cleveland and I comedy connection. We got a live podcast December 30th and then December 31st. Charlotte will be in Charlotte. Headlining the comedy connection with a special guest. It's going to be fun. Get tickets. Come on out. Patreon.com slash B and E and

pod. I hate the special guest that we booked. Me too. She's an asshole. Oh, she it's actually really dumb that we're having her on. Yeah. I can't wait to hear. She's an asshole. Oh, she. It's actually really dumb that we're having her on. Yeah. I can't wait to hear her. She's. She's newer in stand-up, so we're giving her kind of like a shot, you know, but. Robbie Hoffman has no idea who she is. Yeah.

Yeah. Joe. Joe. One, two, four, eight. We love you. And this is Ian and Jordan saying... Ears beating with Jordan! It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.