Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep119: Gold or Wig W/ Ryan Long & JJ Liberman

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

As always , Thanks for listening!  Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  AN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and take 20% off your Chubbies order with promo code SKA at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop  Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Ryan Long Here : https://www.instagram.com/ryanlongcomedy/ Ryan Long - Problem Solved (FULL STANDUP SPECIAL): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBrdMrbmz1c Follow JJ Liberman Here : https://www.instagram.com/jjlibermanlive/ See more JJ Here : https://beacons.ai/jjlibermanlive Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Hey everybody, come and see me on the road. PunchUp.live slash Ian FyDance, November 7th to 9th, SideSplitters Tampa, the following weekend, the 15th and 16th, Pittsburgh Improv, November 17th, Cleveland, Ohio, hilarities, following week I'm in Toronto. And then I am so excited to be at Denver Comedy Works, Los Angeles, LA, Hollywood improv, Baltimore, and at the end of the month, me and Jordan at the end of December, December 30th live, B&E with Jordan, Rhode Island Comedy Connection, December 31st, headlining two shows, New Year's Eve, my birthday, Rhode Island Comedy Connection, and we got a special guest. You could spell guest with a J. Anyway, come see me on the road. I got a ton of dates, a bunch more punchup.live slash Ian Fy dance

and punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. She's going all over. Jordan Jensen is her name and that's where you can find her not dententent den den den punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen, Ian firedance.com for everything you need. Wild, happy and free on YouTube. And, uh, we love you. I'm going to stop talking. Enjoy the show. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride.

When you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. So wild ride when you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life Bein' Ian, bein' Ian With Jordan Everyone says how nice this place is and how great it is And she hates it 2300 for a studio is crazy That's why I'm living in the city And she even says her place is and how great it is. And she hates it. 2300 for a studio is crazy. That's why I'm living in the city. And she even says her place sucks and it's small. Your place is great.

No amenities. Huh? No amenities. I don't have a dishwasher. Washer dryer. No washer dryer. No gym. That's why I'm going to Austin. I got 1600. Are you actually moving to Austin? Get the fuck out of here. You guys are all disgusting. Ten million dollars. To move? That's how much they give you when you get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get off the plane. In mothership bucks.

In mothership. Obviously they can only be used at the mothership, but nonetheless. It's Rogan coin. Yeah, with Rogan coin. It exists. You ready? Let's go! That was a good blow. Thanks so much. The vagina is open for business.

Welcome back to another episode of Be A Indian with Jordan. Jordan, how the hell are you? I'm doing good. My sister's in town. Yesterday I got contacted to high on Legion of Skanks and was like, I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend.

I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend.

I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a legend. I'm going to be a you? I'm doing good. I my sister's in town yesterday. I got contact to high on Legion of Skanks and was having a panic attack, but we got through it. The two shows think we makes me perform better. Well, anyway, our guests today are you've nothing to riff on the weed, the very fun comments.

I don't like yo, it's a topic. You have nothing to riff on the weed? The very fun. You have weed comments? I don't like. Yo, it's a topic for you. You ever eat an edible? You get so high and then you go, oh, I'm hungry for candy. And then you eat the rest of the edible. Then you go, man, I'm fucked up. Exactly.

You're like, I'll have some of the tomorrow. Spoiler alert. You ate it all tonight. You ever have an edible? Don't get cancer. You eat the rest rest then you feel like you want a spaceship why you gonna make an edible cookie and only give me half a cookie you know I can only eat a whole cookie if there's a whole cookie I'm eating a whole cookie I don't like it you be sucking dick and you be like you know we've all

you know when you eat half an edible and then use the other half of the cookie for ookie cookie and all your friends jerk off and whoever I didn't want to interrupt. Nobody knows who the fuck I am. He doesn't like riffing. I don't like riffs. I don't like jokes You're gonna do really well in Austin Yeah New york forever jordan he used to grump around the comedy club and people would be making jokes and he looks around he goes You go y'all right there and he goes, and goes, you go, you all right there? And he goes, I hate fucking jokes. All these jokes. Yeah. Is that for real?

I hate jokes. By the way, do you want to restart and move the thumbtacks? Well, I guess the J.J. doesn't stand for just jokes. Lieberman. What about the killer thumbtack? What about the joke? I even threw it in there once I was introduced. Everybody, it's J.J. Lieberman and Ryan Long. Ryan has a great special that just came out.

Tell us about it. Thank you. Special is out at youtube.com slash Ryan Long Comedy. Please go over and check it out. Special's called? Problem Solved. Nice. Nice.

Ryan Long Comedy, yes. And J.J., you are known for? Having nothing. I have nothing. I've done Long Comedy. Yes. And JJ, you are known for? Having nothing. I have nothing. I've done nothing in this industry. You're a homosexual? Have some pride in your- I'm pretty sure that you're a homosexual. Sexual out. It says here- It says here you suck cock for rent money.

I have- My parents are telling us you're a homosexual. I have just re-downloaded Grindr, but I'm not gay. My brothers are telling us you're a homosexual. I have just re-downloaded Grindr, but I am not gay. Now, JJ, you made the mistake of using Grindr. Hey, you guys together is like one full gay guy. A Voltron of gay. The masculine. Yeah, we make one full lesbian.

Your haircut, my body, face, and mind, that's a lesbian. And me and JJ make one full head of hair. Not really. Shut up, JJ. Have you tried sniffies? Sniffies is a new grinder. No, I- Because grinder charges-

Ew, no way is it called sniffies. I know. No way. It's pretty gross. For sniffing- No. No, I because grinder charges. No way is it called sniffies? No way. Pretty gross. Sniffing. No, because we're sniffing out HIV. You'll get the sniffles and die. It's hard to get HIV. No, very hard. I just doxy troth alone or whatever. The cocktail. No, I've downloaded grinder because at 43 years old, I just got approved for my first credit card. So now I can offer guys in their 20s to fuck the autoblow for me

and I'll pay them a couple of hundred bucks to watch it. That was perfect. Fantastic. Who needs a soundboard? Not me. Wait, huh? We have an autoblow over there. You can see we fucked it to pieces. Huh? We have an audible over there. You can see we fucked it to pieces. Yeah, I have that exact same one.

Yeah. Yeah. Is it? You gotta be really hard pressed for dick if you're paying guys on Grindr. Oh yeah. Why are you doing that? I don't know if you heard, they're giving it away over there. No.

You can just get a guy to come over to do it for free. I don't like the guy's story. Why pay for the milk when you can watch a gay guy jerk off for free? It's like, listen, I'd rather pay. I don't want you thinking I owe you something. Yeah, no, it's not good. It's not. It's a 22 year old stud doesn't want me. Come on. I know.

Wait, do you actually pay for sex? For sure. Oh, yeah. From boys? Yeah. And I'm an apologist for Diddy. Well, wait, what? Two lies and a truth. Which now? Yeah, no, that's not going on right now. I agree with you. Two lies and a truth. Really? Yeah. You know, having fun anymore.

You know, this is going to be some bad, dirty, dirty, some diddly. There's a daddy about B did the hedled some girls and it was an old key. Oh yeah! Our life goes on. Long after the days, the diddly days are done. Can we get the rap verse? Go ahead Ian. Can you guys do it in blackface?

Diddy ended up touching things that were underage and it gives me a rage because that's not cool. And life goes on! No, Disavowell Diddy right now. Okay, there will be a future clip of Real of Jordan Jensen going, he talked about apologists for Diddy. Yeah, that's what my clips look like, is me going. Do you know what this man? Like a will they won't I didn't realize there was such a will they won't they

I've gone on in the podcast people say that I think it's the clips. I think the You're like, yeah, they splice that together and we know none of that happened never happened But if you if you just never gonna have there is definitely a vibe on the clips of like is it really is there? I don't think god damn it george. I think they're creating a sick vibe God damn it eric. What the? Is there a will is there? No, the last one was what was the last one we did? There's usually us hating each other. Yeah, like the one he sent me now is is me being like, uh,

I hope you don't think the hatred er the hatred is will they won't they? Eric is great at clips. He does a very good job with those clips. But- He's incredible. Definitely there is a vibe of watching it and it's kind of like, you know, Jordan's always like, listen, if you quit smoking, cut off your dick,

do this stuff, we'll be together. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm not, I don't want him to cut off his dick. I want him to cut the man that's attached to his dick out. Keep the dick. Me? Are you guys in a relationship?

No. No. Am I in a relationship with each other? No. No, with each other. Not with each other and not independently either. No. It's like a sexless marriage.

Do you think that's why you guys are like playing so many instruments? To keep the sexual tension down? Yeah. Every time I get a hard on. Yeah. It helps. It goes away. It does help. That's a joke because I can't get hard. You have trouble? I'm fine. Okay. Just riff. By the technique. These are the best socks, Stance.

Yeah. Really good quality. Stance, can you sponsor us? I have so many of your socks. I have so many of your socks too. I'm tired of stealing them from the van store. We both wear your socks. Yeah. These are good socks. Yeah, dude. I steal a lot of your socks too. I'm tired of stealing them from the van store. Yeah, these are good socks. Yeah, dude, I steal a lot of your socks. You do have a lot of my things. No, they're socks. Oh, but also I need my Philly shirt back.

Please, I love it. Thank you. Do you want some alpha and how to steal? Excuse me, sir. You're talking to the kleptomaniac of the century. It's a steal off! What do you steal? I think you're way out of your league, to be honest with you. Well, I have been to jail twice for it.

Oh, I just haven't been caught, but I've been told I'm committing wire fraud. OK, you're a thief. You're a petty thief. Yeah, you're a burglar. You're a fucking... Yeah, you're a hacker. Who do you steal from? I need to hack the mainframe and get money to these gay men. You're going to net...

Local jails? I could get arrested by the FBI for... Tell us why. Can we... Flip this up, Eric. We'll actually cut this part of the episode out. Are you for real about cutting it? No.

I thought you were a go there guy. Wait, yeah, you're moving to Austin. You better be ready to go there. Well, won't they? Do you, listen to me. Do you have your caution tape ready to put over your mouth? Do you steal from human beings? No.

OK. Have you ever? Corporations, big corporations. How do you do wire fraud? So I'll order, so let's take the socks, for example. And I'll order those socks on Amazon. I'll take two pairs of the socks out of the three. I'll return it, get the full refund.

Only someone pair back. And you say I only got one pair. No, no, no, no. I return it. To my house, giant box of things. I say they never came. Amazon goes, we will refund you. I say thank you. They say, do you want us to replace the item or put it back on your card? I say back on the card.

We are the same person. Yeah. JJ Lieberman, Jordan Jensen. Let me ask you a question. Are you calling to complain about flights and stuff like that? Thank you. Keep on going. Calling to complain about flights to get more money back?

Well, I use 90% of the time you see this guy pacing around and you go, what's that? He's like on the phone, had a bad can of pop and I had to argue with the guy for seven hours. Are you JJ Jewish? Is that what the third guy? Sorry buddy, JJ Buddha. Oh. Formerly known as JJ Jewish.

That's because you just want to fuck a fat guy without a shirt on. I don't like fat people. Buddha? Can you get my back? Sorry, I didn't know what you were saying. You have to be more clear with your bits. As, as, No my colleague said, I would think my thievery is probably higher class than

yours because I'm fighting for like movie tickets. You're doing big ticket item, which is easy. I'm trying to do like it's more for the love of the game. Thank you. Oh, so yours is a busy life, but I will... During the pandemic, I did save $10,000. By switching to Geico Auto Shirts. Yeah. Because, no, not the... Pro-coding being Ian, thank you very much. Also, I had an entire carpentry business, 100% stolen materials. Is that how you... Like Jesus. Just like Jesus. Is that why you went to

jail? No, that was liquor. I stole liquor. Oh really? How old? 20. Vintage. It seems, JJ, you steal to find like a PR. Like how many things can I get in a day? Yeah, you're addicted to it. I just don't have time to pay for lumber. Some might argue I'm not talented at anything

else, so I found what I'm good at. Can you have some good confidence in yourself? Not bad. No more bad confidence. So I found what I'm good at. Can you have some good confidence? Can you have some? In yourself? Not bad. No more bad confidence. No more bad mouthing yourself. You were a good baseball player.

Umpire? Umpire? Umpire. Poker player? Poker player. You were good at crypto. I love poker. I quit comedy for poker.

And then he yelled at me, we're in Florida. Were you winning poker? Yeah. Online? No. Maybe that's more accurate. Might be more accurate. You said it's more that he makes some dumb excuses.

So he'll be in Vegas and he'll be like, oh yeah, I moved to America, but it's like, I feel like Vegas is actually better for comedy. He makes up like lies and he's like, if you do this and I can also win. You're a real addict. I'm going to get into the ground floor of the comedy scene in Thailand. He's like, you don't understand. You don't understand. There's an untimely market for ladyboys and children.

I don't know if you remember, we're in Florida. He's like, he's like, okay, game's over. When are you moving to New York? Listen, if you want to move to Vegas and play poker, play poker. Don't pretend this is not what you're doing. I love playing cards. Me too. I play solitaire with a physical pack of deck.

Deck pack. That's not... Is that like at a bar late at night to be interesting sort of thing? No, in my hotel room alone until 5am. Really? Yeah, with a timer trying to beat my time. Punch yourself if you don't. I do like that.

I like that you moved off the phone games. Yeah. Thank you. You think it's because you drink coffee at 10 o'clock at night? You telling me that really helped me. That's good. Thank you. You think you're playing until 5 a.m. because you're drinking coffee at 10 o'clock? Probably has something to do with it. Yeah. There hasn't been one guest that has adequately acknowledged a sleeping puppy when she falls asleep like that. I didn't even know she was there. Honest to God, didn't notice that which could have been bad that. I didn't even know she was there. Honest to God, didn't notice that,

which could have been bad news. I've been touching her. Nobody has had. I've touched her. She fell asleep on Whitney. No, leave the cat. Honest to God, did not realize there was a puppy right there. I know, I just really think I have an unusual attachment.

This guy's stealth. If there was a puppy sleeping on me, it's all I could think about. It's all I can think about when it's sleeping on you. Now it's part of my think about it sleeping on now I'm the now it's part of my psyche. Yeah, JJ. You have dogs. I have two dogs really loves his dog I'm wick matter of fact. There was a dog I got a tattoo today. Shut up. Let it dry heel. It's bloody as fuck. I just got it three hours ago

I'll dry heal it but after it's bandaged or you got to test it for him. Not good joke. No, I thought it was good. No, you could say I thought I thought you were if you if you were gay, you couldn't get a tattoo. Fuck, it's hard. It's hard to say the concept is. Stick to gambling and stick to rambling. Fucking quick. I forget. Big cat guy. He's got dogs. They got died. 400 years, literally 15 and 14. So cute. A little dog had like, you know, the dogs

that their legs don't work and they have back wheels. Yeah. This dog was walking by with the wheels and his little legs are kicking. And JJ was like, ah, my guy got a broken ACL. And the guy's like, torn injury. And they were like buying bonding over their handicapped. Oh, you're a good person. I have two dogs that are coming to us. He loves his dog. Yeah. I'm talking about Austin later.

Literally. Are you moving to Austin? No. You see, I feel like that is a little bit when you see the gay come out cuz you're like Oh, this guy doesn't seem gay and then he's like, give me your princess Princess and Bella my two dogs. They're my world. Yeah, they are his world literally world You are on like my cat Samson and Glenn not like Nashville the night before Chicago just because Shut it down fucking to a really Oh five days away from them. It's too much Or anything or too much money too, so you leave them alone

No, I get a sitter but dude a weekend is fine five days is too much you miss your why don't you take them with you? It's cost their own. I stand dogs are on their deathbed dude. They were cost. They're all I don't understand. The dogs are on their deathbed. Dude, they wear diapers. They both wear diapers. Shut up. I wasn't kidding. They want to piss everywhere. They're incontinent. Incontinent. One has no teeth.

The other has two torn ACLs. I have to lift them up. You ever seen a movie where like someone's mom dies and they keep her like her body just like rotting and so they can come and pretend to have to set up a dinner table and have dinner with them? No, but I watched it as you told it. That's the concept.

So, so, okay. So why don't you kill him? Do you still gamble? No because comedy is going pretty good. You don't gamble. I have no time man. But you don't have a hard, you don't have a baseline. You're not like, I'm not gambling.

No. Like an addiction. You will gamble. Like if we went into a casino. I would love to. Like we're going to Vegas in December. How much will you let yourself lose before you stop yourself? I'm always walking around in life with less than a thousand dollars. So I will spend everything and then figure it out. What's the most you ever had from gambling? Well when I lost everything in crypto. I lost forty thousand dollars two different times. When I lost everything in crypto, I lost $40,000 two different times.

Oh, yeah. How did you do that? I just fucking kept on buying the dip. Buying the. Oh, just kept on buying. There was a point where him and a couple of our other friends, none of which are smart. He goes, yeah, we did it. We did a zoom call today. We're doing chart analysis of Bitcoin and Danny Polichar goes, yeah, goes. That's the top right there.

And then the next day it crashed. Literally the dumbest guy, you know, didn't. What's the top right there. And then the next day it crashed. Literally. The dumbest guy you know. Oh yeah, he didn't. Was it Danny the reason why you lost all that money? No, that's... That's me. Really? We're losing a lot of money on this couch. Wait, why'd you lose money?

Danny Polishak got a hot stock. What was it? How much did you lose? More than that. More than 40 grand. He lost more than me too, so I couldn't even really like rub it in his face. Did you lose more than 60? It was about that. Probably a little bit more.

In one shot. In one shot. Combined we're sitting on. Everyone got a fucking key in the bin. A lot of lost money on this couch. Wait, you took your money and bet on it all 80,000 on stock and then it plummeted. The company ceased to exist. Oh, my God. Tell me how you don't think that's fun.

A plummet would have been nice. I love it. I love it. But I'd kill for a plummet. Kill for a plummet. It's they lost their license to be a company. It just went under. She just log in. They lost their license to be a company. It just went under. She just log in. They go, Yeah, I never came back. Never came. It was 100 percent one of those.

The thing actually fell apart. How soon after you put your money in it? Pretty quick. It goes fast, baby. It goes fast. Were you watching it and freaking out? Were you panicking, calling people on multiple landlines? It was all in one pop because it was this thing where it was like, he goes, it was a company and then it was going to enter. It was basically like a SPAC is what it was called. And it was going to

unspac and they're buying Tops baseball cards. And it was at this day. And when that happened, it was probably going to be like, we're bathing in cash. You ever watch the out of it? Basically it happened. And then he goes, the thing didn't happen because they lost their license to be a company. And I'm like, what happens didn't happen because they lost their license to be a company. And I'm like, what happens now? He goes, yeah, that's it. So describe that feeling when you find out you just lost 80 grand in one pop. Probably something like in the beginning, you're just like, haha, like you almost like

you're so true. You're like fucking because you're past the point of pain threshold. You can't hurt. You can't hurt. You can't hurt in that moment. Yeah. No one's lost that much money in history. Really? Well, yeah, you're just like, okay, well, that's not obviously that didn't happen.

So what actually happened? You literally go like this. You're in the mirror. You're in denial. It's full denial. It's true. It's full denial. It's true. It's so painful. You're just like the Joker.

You're like... You start painting your face. You paint your face, you cut your fucking face. Paint the clown makeup on you. you're a whole ass clown? And you did this two times? Twice. Twice. The first time.

Was it all your money? Give me a knife. Was it all your money? All of it. The best part were in the back. It was really all, this is when he was gonna move to America too. He was like, I have 40 grand,

I'm gonna move to America. And then he was like a week later, he's like, well, I can't even afford the visa. Like I can't even put the gray out to New York. Oh, I had the visa. But the funniest part is this. So I already lost it. Then I worked it back up and I built it from nothing on crypto and we're.

This is the funniest part. So I've already lost $40,000 and we're I've told this story a couple of times. We're in an Uber when he Ryan was headlining Creek in the Cave in Austin, going to Dallas. And he literally, I'm sitting there with a box, $40,000 to my name, which is the most money I've ever had, a box of Voodoo donuts in my lap in the front of this, Uber Black, and I feel fucking life couldn't be better. Ryan pops up to me, he's like,

hey man, you should just sell $20,000 and take your money. I'm like, nah, it's about to be Q4. And literally maybe two weeks later, it just all fucking tanked. So if you sold it, this was so obvious. Why was it so obvious? Because I mean, there's an old say, I mean, stocks isn't the funnest topic for pocket, but like there's an old saying that I think it was buy one, try one.

If it bleeds a lead in the front of the black shoe shine boy starts giving you stock tips. It's over when who is the shoe shine boy started giving me stock tips. Then I knew the crash was coming. That was the old thing. And it was like when the dumbest people you know are like, buddy, you got to buy this. You can't lose. You're like tomorrow it's over. Yeah. Yeah. And so you know what? There's no one. there's no other suckers left, right? Like there's gotta be one more sucker. And you go, all the suckers know now. When the homeless guy, when the homeless guy.

There's no suckers left. When donuts are you in the front seat of your friend headlining, is you at your best? Yes. You know, maybe don't push all your money in. When the homeless guy you know is fucking can't lose. Homeless guy in Times Square has a you can also Venmo or Bitcoin me money.

You're like, yeah, we got to start selling. Yeah. This isn't like Bitcoin either. He's on he's on like weird ass stocks. He's got high volatility. 100K income coin that's going like you get this, you know, like bareback in the random. You met off Grindr. I've never done that.

He's doing. Yeah, I've never done that. I've always worn condoms. Oh, not me. Hmm. Hmm. Your stock just went down. Is it rude if you're about to fuck a guy to be like, I'm going to put on a condom?

Is there any like, what you don't think I'm clean? Does he call you a pussy? Yeah. I know. I've had guys be like, I only fuck raw. And I'm like, why use condoms? And they're like, okay, I'm done. Goodbye.

Really? Good for you. Wow. Interesting. Ain't no piece of street meat worth that. Yeah. But you fuck women, right? Yeah. Why?

Different. I mean, do we have to say it? Yeah, because that's not against God. Because it's the likelihood of getting HIV from a woman is and also like I only from a straight guy getting HIV from a woman is like astronomically low I only fuck certain women. I get tested. But HIV is the fear. Yes. Everything's a fear.

Is it still very high? Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Because of PrEP and the likelihood of getting HIV as a gay man is so low because of prep. So they go, look, I'm not going to get AIDS. Fuck me raw. And then other STDs are through the roof. So what percentage of that is very scary? Yeah, it's very scary. And that's not something I even want to fuck with, which is also why you can get syphilis from a blow job, which is why I've been off guys for a long time for the past few years, to be honest.

The only exception was in December. To pray it away? Buddy, electric shock therapy. Why do you think we have the taser? It works. Jordan, Jordan. Hey. Look at him. Hey.

I feel the hack that I've used is to get a gay sex hack. Alright, boys, life hack. When you see a dick. This get a gay sex hack. Alright, boy, life hack. When you see a dick. This is really the life hack. So I date women and watch them get fucked by hot straight dudes and the best of both worlds. Why do you do that?

Oh, love it. What worlds are you living in, pal? Who is agreeing to this? A lot of people. Wait, so you start dating a woman and then you go, do you mind if a guy comes over and fucks you? And she's like, sure. Sure. Not so many details or else I'll be hard on your podcast. What guys?

What guys would you find to do this off the internet or like friends of yours? No, not. I mean, sure. If I had some open micers. Who? No, not, I mean sure if I had some friends. Open micers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who? Ryan? No, we're friends. I can't be friends with anyone who I want to fuck. No, you think I can get a heart with JJ in the room?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, you got any good stock tips? What is this? Are you playing an accordion? No, giz coins going to the moon tomorrow. You're just being menacing? Yes. Haven't you ever seen the jewish mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, there he is there he is yeah me in the corner jj stroking a cat

In the corner of the room. It's me in the corner Losing my friendships Do you really do this? I have to know. Oh my God. There's one comic I know that did it with him. Who? Oh yeah. I don't know. I don't know who he was. What's that now?

That's going to be bad for his business. So wait, he has, you have a thing online where you go, I'm not a pervert, but then you say something perverted. Have you found that that draws people into your world that want to like fuck you? Oh my God. Insane people. Really? Great people though, but also insane people your world that want to like fuck you? Oh, my God. Insane. Really great people, though. But also insane people. Do you want to fuck the insane dude? I have a problem.

I think that's really what's on the table. We know you have a problem. I've I love the back and forth of it like, oh, texting. I like, yeah, I like the whole gamifying of like DMS. Yeah. So it's kind of hot. Like when people you like, I don't know. Yeah. But then you don't actually go through. You don't go through. I get dms. Yeah. So it's kind of hot. Like when people you like, I don't know. It's just, but then you don't actually go through it. You don't go through it. I get too nervous. Yeah.

Same. I sometimes I'll go through all my dms and just delete them. I'm like, oh my God, like a couple nights ago I was having a panic attack and I had to delete like 30 dms. Why? Because you had gotten so sexual. Yeah. Hey everybody. Even if you put on a couple, Hey everybody, even if you put on a couple, uh, Hey, I'm doing an ad. He is messed up. Oh, he loves girls lactating. I don't know about the cats, but you know what I do know about chubbies is a shirt that will stretch with pants with an elastic waistband that you can wear for work right to happy hour. Chubby's has joggers, khakis, polos, quarter zips, button ups and

vests that'll take you right into fall in style. We got sent Chubby's. We wear them. Ethan looks like a cutie patootie with a little booty in him. And I look like a handsome gentleman. Chubby's will make sure you're looking sharp and actually staying warm this fall. So make sure you check it out because for a limited time B&E and with Jordan listeners get 20% off with the promo code SKA at checkout at Chubby's shorts.com. That's 20% off your order with the promo code SKA at chubH-U-B-B-I-E-S-S-H-O-R-T-S dot com. Chubby shorts. Support the show and tell them we sent you. Shop now and fall into comfort. One Chubby's piece at a time. Yeah, that's the weird thing. You get you get in a sexual text. Like I was talking to one guy for a minute and we got

really sexual and I was being like, yeah, you better do this. And then I was like, what's going to happen? I'm going to get to his house and like be like, where do I put my proceed? Yeah. Yeah. Like, do you have any water before we start all this? You idiot. You know, there's no way I'm going to show up and be able to keep up with the level of like dominance. One of the biggest fights I got in with an ex-girlfriend is she used to always send me nudes and wasn't happy with my responses to them. Yeah.

She would just be like, I'm like, I'm at a store right now. I don't hear. So many of these people are so horny. They're like, I'm horny. I want to fuck you. I'm like, I'm visiting my grandmother in hospice. Her hands feel like paper. It is fucked up.

Oh my God. What do you want from me? I'm an adult living my life. The best thing that ever happened is I sent a nude once and then the guy who received it sent me the video footage of him getting the nude from the place he was working. So took the video footage and it was him being like, oh my God. And like losing my, I was like, this is everything I want every time. I can't imagine you sending a dude.

Yeah. Him literally being like, Oh, I didn't know they made them that hot. You sending a new I didn't know they made them that hot. Yeah. Yeah, but not quite Tongue back into his man. How many takes you think he did of that dude so many I am the person who sends the nude and then three seconds later is like oh Nothing and they're like dude my I didn't have my Nothing and they're like dude my I didn't have my well, I guess I'll just cut him off Yeah, and I'm like, well look at it now and tell me take a picture of your face and show me exactly how you feel It's so bad. Do you like sending nudes? No. No, I've done it like three times. That's why I can't imagine you sending nudes I've done it you've seen it. You've seen me a video of me sucking a dick really? I know and I felt like it was

Fucking I was doing a really good job I know and I felt like it was fucking. I was doing a really good job. How big was it? You were doing something. Huge. Really? Yeah. It was crazy.

She was like, look at this. And she's just like, ha. I was in a manic episode. Ha. How did you meet the guy? We were dating. Look at him. Really?

Yeah. And what. Look at Walter Cronkite over here. All of a sudden. It was really bad. You as a friend should have been like, stop. Give me your phone. He's not a pervert, but he's going to need a few more details. I'm not a pervert, but I just creamed my cage on your couch.

I can imagine you're a cage guy. No, I'm not into that. Like being in a cage. Although, no, they have these little cages. Although when I was literally like when I was in the closet banging so many dudes, I used to have one of those, this is the most embarrassing thing. You know those Nike packs?

You know those Nike backpacks, strap packs that you wear to the gym? The thin ones. Thin ones, so I would keep a cock ring in there. That's, that is not, I think that's totally reasonable. Oh cool. Really? Where else are you gonna keep it? You want yours little belly button weird thing?

I feel like that one you'll find weird. What? Oh, yeah. So I have. You literally just said the backpack that I carried around is where I put my cock ring. That's totally to me. That sounds like a kill kit that the BTK killer had. Like, here's my toolkit of what my having a cock ring around with you every day, just in case, like in case what? You need a cockering?

What do you do with a cockering? No, the belly button ring. If someone doesn't have a belly button piercing, I have sanitized snap-on belly button rings for hookups. So, only women though. I don't like guys with belly button rings. Excuse me. What? Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me. You're excused. Excuse me. Go ahead. You demand, you request that women put on a fake belly button ring before you fuck them. It's Morgan Hoffman, I can't refuse. Oh my God. Thank you.

Thank you. You say, I have this thing that I'm carrying around, please put this on your belly. Is Ryan holding it in his nose right now? You're asking women to alter what they look like before you fuck them to make it better for you. And you're like, can you say your name's Jessica and say algebra was tough yesterday?

Huh? Yeah. Yeah. To counterarguments. Can we get this mustache? And then he has a picture of Ian and he goes, it's not right. Yeah. Hey, do you mind before we hook up? God, you look so hot and football shoulder pads and telling me that I did go to the two a days to counterarguments. OK, go for it. Hockey goalie over in the Jason Mask.

I'm proud of you for waiting for all the riffs to be done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is very specific. If you asked me to do that, I would feel very much like you were asking me to live out a fantasy that you had already had. Can you put on a bald cap and I call you uncle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I am willing to put on a fake hair thing if they want. What? If someone goes- I'll do something for you. If someone goes, if someone says, do you do you have a spirit Halloween in your back? No, I do not. But if someone for the record says to me, Jesus Christ, if someone says, would you put on some hair?

I'm willing to say that. No one would say that. Someone you have an assortment of wigs. Say that's one of your counter arguments. You've never watched JFK. I want hair so bad. Do you know if you asked me to have hair, I would love that. You've never watched JFK? I want hair so bad. If you asked me to have hair, I would fluff them.

You have a wig? Please. I'm not putting the belly button ring. And I put the toupee on for nothing? The pompadour toupee? I went through all this work in this front lace weave. And you're not even going to pop my button off? Wait, you want me to put on a belly button ring? Don't worry. You're like, oh, it's worse. Oh, you want me to put it on my belly button ring? Don't worry. You know, like, oh, it's worse.

Oh, you know what? You're right. I forgot. Also willing to pay myself gold, like Clay Shaw and JFK. What? What do you mean? And Kevin Bacon. These are the two things you're willing for. I thought you were using an example that you're willing to change. Every girl's fantasy. But for the record, let me say I'm not into any 121 for the record. I thought you were saying,

probably back then I said that. Why do you want to paint yourself gold, man? I thought you were saying, for example, I would give myself hair, but you were saying, for, you were saying I would give myself hair and I paint myself gold. That's it. Two options.

You're in the belly button every time and now choose gold, man, or two, baby. Willing to, willing to. Willing to. Willing to. Willing to. Who's requesting? I don't know. It seems like you're hooking up. You know what would be hot?

As if I painted myself gold. The even thing would be to say, Hi, I'm willing to either be gold or have hair. What are you willing to be? And they say, you know, belly button ring and you go, Oh, yay, that works for me. What am I willing to be? And they say, you know, belly button ring. And you go, oh, yeah, that was what am I willing to be? Not here. You can't say somewhere else.

Now, don't freak out because I'm going to be these two love you and model stores. I'm not interested in the gold thing. Maybe I explain this on the golds happening. So you're not interested in belly button rings if a guy you're if you're so here's my you. I said gold or toupee. I haven't said what my rebuttal is yet.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. That's not your rebuttal? No, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Added value. Added value. Full body gold paint. You've never seen JFK where they start with Kevin Bacon

and Clay Shostar? I've never heard about this gold business. No! What's going on? What happened to you in a basement when you saw that movie that didn't have your life? And that's the crazy thing, I've never been dittled. This is just normal.

Untrue. Not true. Somebody with a belly button pierced and did something really weird. No, I just think it. Yeah. Somebody made you Huff Gold paint in a bag and now you're this way forever. Who? Wait. You think that's a Jewish thing? The gold for sure is Jewish. Yeah.

There's a scene from JFK. I was 13 years old in 1993 and I'm watching Kevin Bacon and Tommy Lee in gold at this party doing coke. It's like it was hot. Have you ever heard of this movie? So you think the girl was part of JFK? No, it was a scene. Can you post it?

Yeah, JFK in this sense stands for just fucking kill me. This is crazy. Is this a real movie scene? Has any good girls ever taken you up on this gold offer? No. OK. I haven't thrown it out there. I was just saying I'm willing to. Do you have a belly button here? Bring on you now in my.

No, you don't. Go get it. You never go get it. Oh, can we? Yeah, please. And do you have the gold paint? Because here's your chance. I told you, I knew that this one would fucking get Jordan. Can I say one thing about JJ that I'd like to commend? Oh, what?

Every time we do a podcast with men, typically their go-to is your eye gaze and then mine. His, he's only talking to me the whole time and he's the first guest. Cause he wants to put a belly button ring on you. And he's not gonna be like a gold pig. Do you wanna see everything? Yes. Do you wanna see everything in this satchel?

Yes I do. Please, please, please don't let anything that is touched by any... What you trade that for a beaver pellet? Everything in here is not only American made, it's sanitized. Is it sanitized? Okay. Coyote, cover your eyes and ears. Thank you. Okay, so, here's the belly button ring. Is that a pretzel? Oh, wait, has this been used? No, no, that one hasn't been used.

Here's an emergency dick pill. I don't want that. You keep that. I'll investigate that. I haven't seen the good ones in a minute, right? That's a blue chew. No, different one. Different one. Here is. Jordan, will you put this a blue chew. Oh, different one. Different one.

Here is where you put this on. Hold on. This is this is crafty. Oh, headphone player that doesn't have the actual like if you're on a flight that doesn't have the updated big drop off after the belly button ring. I do. And these are headphones you can use to watch a movie to play. I don't try to get the rest of the content. An old train ticket? Oh, it's not sanitized no more.

Oh, that's going to make someone not use it. Yeah, that's going to make some trash. That was my fucking last one. Yeah, but you find a mental patient that's willing to do this. I don't think she's going to go, wait, is that sanitized? Fair point. Disgusting. Gross. Don't watch this stuff.

Poor puppy. You make them go through this struggle. Girls have done this. JJ, JJ. And then I have a chader. I don't like her. JJ, get your wig on now. Is that Chase Merch?

Is it a condom? Is that Chase Merch? He makes those? What do you mean? No. Is that a diaphragm? Some company showed up to one of our gigs. Yeah. They're like, we'll make condoms with your face on it. So I was like, if just in case someone...

That is hilarious to bring a girl back and pull out a condom with your face on it. So I was like, if just in case someone. That is hilarious to bring a girl back and pull out a condom with your face on it. That's awesome. I mean, crazier to pull out a condom with a different guy's face on it. Hey, look, I'm bisexual. I live in Brooklyn. My name's River.

JJ, what have you do? Do you just really get too hard if they have a bellybutton piercing? I just like I like the other thing. My my ex, who is only only fans model and totally real, totally real. Yeah, I'm sorry. I like the body jewelry. I like when a woman wears like, you know, when have you ever put on the bar?

Like it comes up and you know, like those I think it's belly dancers, belly dancers stuff. I like that. Oh, it's just I don't know. It's exotic. What else is in your little bag? What if you just cool it with the kink? Just have sex with a nice gentleman who likes you. Because I like women too. Okay, what if you have sex with a nice lady? That'd be fine.

No jewels, no baubles, no fanny packs. It gets boring after a while, the normal stuff, don't you think? You know what I think it might be one of those things, too, where it's like, he's like, I'm not gay. I love girls. And then you get home with a girl. It's like with the belly button ring. She's like, no, he's like, I try. What am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that is what it is.

Yeah, this is him. You know, right. Yeah, I did the most. I tried. I've been. What do you want to do? You wouldn't put a car bobble head on her lower back when I fuck her from behind. So I work out. Yeah. What else you want me to do, you know? So you carry that around and have women been

offended at all, ever? No, because like I'm sure a lot of the women that go for me are in their 20s anyway. So a lot of chicks in their 20s do have piercings at all. And you say... She pulls her top off and goes, lucky break. You have sex with 20 year olds? No, in their top off. You have sex with 20 year olds. No, in their 20s. You have sex with people in their 20s, in their 20s, 20 women.

He does OK. These are psychopaths. Yeah, but like some chick, some chick drove 10 hours for a round trip from Virginia to New York over the summer to hang out with me for like. Got there at like- Thousand bucks tops. Oh, we didn't spend any money, paid for the gas, though. I told her- We ate gold?

And food. Yeah, were you paying gold? Just good old fashioned missionary shower sacks. What the fuck? What is going- She was like 22. And you get DMs all the time. My DMs are not-

Who's your DMs? My DMs are guys being like, I was hitting the head as a kid, so for some reason I find you attractive. Really? And you're the scariest man I've ever met. No. You are frightening, sir.

No. You are very scary. That's why he needs the dogs and numbs the crazy. You are very scary. Come on. Belly button pierced, belly button. I've never heard anybody. You wanna be painted gold.

You wanna be gold. I said I would be, I don't want to. Wanting is real. But if you twist my arm, I've got heard anybody. You want to be painted gold? You want to be gold? I said I would be. I don't want to. Wanting is gold. But if you twist my arm, I've got the spray paint. Yes and, you guys are not fun. This is your, our will they won't, what is this, yours is with a can of spray paint.

Yours is will you know? How about gold or wig? That is your will they won't thing. Let me tell you, Jordan and Ian. I'll fuck someone if they want me to dress up like the Skasher of Liberty. That is your will, they won't be. Let me tell you, Jordan and Ian, I'll fuck someone if they want me to dress up like the Skasher Liberty. You have to wear this.

But it's not just you that has to wear something. I'm going to be gold. That is so scary. Let me tell you something. So what? I was molested watching Gold Dust in the WWF. You were molested. Something really bad happened and you're going to unlock it at some point. No, don't shake your head

I would tell you right now. I wish I had something to talk about you have a Buddhist Bracelet on there's something wrong with you What'd you say? Momento Mori? Just stoicism phrase When your thing gets out and if it ever does I will be defending you really what's for sure? I don't know Jordan likes to paint herself blue And if it ever does I will be defending you what's for sure? Jordan likes a bit of blue Jordans got a blue man group kink I saw in your stories yesterday someone was throwing punches I'm sure you're into some freaky shit. I'm into I'm into being held and forehead kisses

some freaky shit. I'm into I'm into being held and forehead kisses for the rest of my life. I am into the most missionary eye contact. The I love you. Let me install your curtain rod kind of do some meal prep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sunday meal prep.

Yeah, yeah, that's all I want. So what does meal prep include? Not not a wig or two. Oh, no, I didn't. I didn't mean I'll slally in Chinese broccoli. I mean, who cares? So you really are a pervert. You're really a full.

I'm not. I'm not. You're going to ruin the bread. You're a dude. I bet your dogs don't even need diapers. You just like the way I look at them. OK, so here's one one time I did have food poisoning and I needed to puke and I did whiff one of the diapers when I was- On purpose?

I had to puke. Oh, you made yourself puke by smelling their poop. Ugh. By the way, let's be clear, he's covered in gold at this point. My dog's wearing a belly button ring. Hey, do you mind giving me a second? I got to. Ugh. Oh You think you're gonna get the stately shock pod sponsor?

Oh god, Stan sucks. Stan! Stan! Stan! We love Stan! It comes in gold! That's so... You got the nasty boys behind you! How's this any different? Oh my god, it's so different. The funniest thing is being like, telling somebody they have to do something and then being like, but wait, don't worry. I got this.

It's so weird. I thought we were just riffing jokes. This is real. This is all just jokes. You showed us the belly button ring. You had it in a bag. It's part of the... You showed us a receipt for P.C.

Richards. That's AI generated. It is 100% the like, okay, I need you to peg me, but... Yeah. My friend will pay for it. I've seen for PC richards generated It is 100% they're like okay, I need you to peg me, but yeah Will be under the bed You know be a fun aphrodisiac going to the model toy store I'm not into getting pegged

Fucking for you Unless begging led to you making some nice salmon in my air fryer and not doing it. We're having a fun laugh here. Very important. Nobody will beg my gold butthole. Yeah, yeah. Are you into men?

Unless you want some coins to fall. Harry gold butthole. Are you men putting, into men putting their penises in your butthole? No. Oh no. What about your mouth hole? He says that, yeah, it wasn't exit? No. Oh no. What about your mouth hole? He says that, yeah, it was an exit only.

Exit only. What about your mouth hole? Exit. There's a tattoo that says exit only. I got mine that says one way. Oh, I see, I see, I see. No, it says U-turn. I can't believe it.

It says your turn. Yeah! Thanks. Wait, what about your mouth? Do you suck? All jokes aside, JJ, I'm gold, my dick's in your mouth. Are you still here? We're on plug talk right now.

Now you suck dick. Those eyes. Put them away. Wait, so, okay. He does gay stuff on the road. You guys are gay. You guys are gay. You guys are gay.

You guys are gay. You guys are gay. You guys are gay. You guys are gay. You guys are gay. Oh, those eyes. Put him away. Wait, so, okay. He does gay stuff on the road. You know he's doing gay stuff. No, I haven't done gay stuff in a while. He's more philosophically gay. You all are very ashamed of your gay. I don't know what would ever lead you.

I don't know what people are in your life telling you that gay stuff. Every now and then he's like brought a guy around and it's extremely strange. Weird. Yeah, weird. Yeah. This is years ago. I used to bring him around. I did bring someone to Williamsburg Comedy Club a few a few months ago. A little guy? Of course. Asian? Asian? Asian for the bits.

No, but he was Puerto Rican. He was something. What was he? Like a Dogecoin shirt on. I do love the Colombians and the... You like a tight little twink. Yeah, yeah. Like Jake, if he wasn't so hairy. Oh my God, you stay away from him. He knows.

You stay away from him. I find him gross though. He knows. Jake knows, Jake's my buddy. Why do you think he's moving awesome? He's getting run out of town. Jake knows you'd fuck him? No, he's too hairy, but that... He's gross awesome. He's getting run out of town Jake knows you'd fuck him. No, he's too hairy, but that

He's gross and hairy He's very small you want small don't you like don't you like a big guy? Yeah, same thing the big guy like smaller lady. I don't like I don't like that I don't like the idea of you pick what nursery rhyme are you? Care about very much me like like your buddy Jake, but don't you like a I don't like the idea of you pick what nursery rhyme Are you telling us about very much me like your buddy Jake? Don't like a lady who's teenier. He likes a teeny lady. Yeah, everybody likes a teeny lady I don't need them to be Shortness is tiny. Yes, but I don't need the ladies to be short

But I do like sort of a tiny lady but like the height doesn't really know They have to be tight. There's girls that are like five eight. They would like fit that like five eight. Fine to anorexic. We're in. Yeah. Five eight. Five eight. I will. I'm boring. Seventy. Happy. But there's nothing wrong with the seven.

Firm. Yes. Firm. You got to be tight. Yes. Seventy and tight. Like a nice really true squat. Well, wow. Because of all the fucking. That's what I'm saying, right? It's all because of the SS BBWs. What's that? Super size BBW. There's another category because they got too fat.

So the even bigger, bigger, even bigger, bigger, bigger. Even bigger. But people also are. Sounds like you're talking about stocks again. The SS BBW is up 20%. Oh, it's more than 20%. But aren't more women weightlifting now too? That's probably what it is Jordan. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, we solved it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably what the situation is. Yeah. I don't know. That's not important. No. Yeah.

Probably what's going on there. There's too much weightlifting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, they're not fat pigs. They're Their weight was going back down, but it's up up. Oh, yeah Don't you do you tour the country they're disgusting We were in Fort Wayne gross I ran out of gold paint on this one five shows

I literally in the green room look on I'm like there's not one fuckable person. I've seen our way It's bleak both both I did have sex in for Wayne recently though Really wait you told us about this right didn't you make Jake wait wait outside Like I'm gonna go up and get a paper towel You make him wait outside? Yeah. What's he do? She was like, I'm gonna go up and get a paper towel. Yeah.

And what's he do out there with your dog? He's just twiddling his fingers going, hey, I guess I'll listen to my sex. He wasn't featuring. He was hosting. Oh, really? Yeah, that makes me feel better. Yeah, you gotta earn your stripes. So what happens? He waits outside?

No, I'm not giving you any fodder into my sexual life. Your dick is too close to my dog. I'm not describing anything. I'm wearing my hernia belt. It's uncomfortable to get hurt. Give him a little taste Jordan. What do you mean a hernia belt? Thank God you have the hernia belt on.

Are you wearing a hernia belt? What is a hernia belt? Why don't you get it fixed? That's not good. I was supposed to have surgery this weekend, but I'm moving to... Smells good. No. Why didn't you get the surgery?

Because I chose to move to Austin and I had to move my place out of my place. So surgery was supposed to. I got the hernia surgery. Yeah, I had a double hernia in 2003. No. Let's go. From what? I have a hernia right now. I haven't gotten surgery. It doesn't hurt.

Really? You box with a hernia? Be careful. I. Because of the AB stuff, You have to be very careful. In the... Just push it in. That's how I got the hernia was boxing and weightlifting. Slip it in! Meow meow.

Yeah, yeah. Boxing and weightlifting. In high school when I was 18, I would go to Phillies games and scream in the 700 level at the opposing team. And I busted my gut open with a hernia from straining. And I told my mom and she was like, I'm going to be honest, you're being a bit of a pussy. It's fine. And then the like. Yeah yeah. And then I go to get a consultation they go oh this is you need emergency surgery and it ended up being a double hernia. Emergency? Yeah. Because you were screaming? I strained myself so hard screaming that a part of my gut popped out. In a concert? A baseball game.

At Phillies games. City Field. Oh, this was before City Field. Yeah, at the Vet. Oh, Jesus Christ. And City Field's immense. Citizens Bank Park. Citizens Bank.

Really? I just loved the Phillies. Just love of the game. Just screaming at them? Screaming at the other team. He's a fanatic to my friends. We were I remember I was going I was going somewhere listening on the radio to the Phillies game. And you could hear screaming in the background. Right. Oh, I used to watch on TV with the announcers down on the radio.

Oh, I love it. But I was more sense. I was listening to the radio to the Phillies game and I hear like screaming and the announcers like, oh, the fans are really giving it to Bobby Abreu today. And then that night I go to my buddy's house and they're like, dude, we're at the Phillies game. We were screaming at Bobby Abreu. I was like, I heard you on the radio. They were just hammered.

It came back completely sunburned. Just yelling. Yeah, just yelling. We were just going to be so obnoxious screaming. Also it's like its own sport to scream at the other team. Yeah it's fun. Well Philly's their own kind of people. Yeah. Yeah. Now we're in a good podcast space. I feel really relaxed. Yeah. I feel much better. Yeah. Yeah. I think you should pull your shirt down a little bit though. You guys want to talk sports anymore? Do you have any other sports teams you like? Put that belly away. Put your hernia belt away.

What is Brazzers? It's that porn site. You're a pervert! I'm not a pervert. Have you ever been to like a sex party? Oh for sure. You've been to a sex party? Remember I went to hedonism with my ex?

Oh yeah. I went to a nudist swingers resort. How was that? He got a janitor gig so he didn't have to pay. I did have to do stand up one night. Naked? It was so bad. Did you go naked?

No, cause it was in that they had this like little like, at nights you would dress up and do costumes But people would be like in weird lingerie But I bombed so hard in front of like six only six people showed up and was the owner and it was my ex And it was a couple other people and I was just bombing so hard then you got to eat lunch with them the next day I was screaming at my ex Sorry about those jokes, you wanna fuck my wife? Because it was the most embarrassing thing. No!

Can I fuck yours? You were yelling at her? Yeah, she got... No! Can I watch? Can I fuck yours then at least? I wanted to watch it, fuck, she wouldn't. Wait, you were screaming at your ex because she wasn't laughing? No, because I was bombing and I didn't want to do this gig.

Oh, you think she bullied you into it? Yes, it was a hell gig. It was a gig from hell for the free, for the free, because we got it for free. It's hell for the audience. You got it for free in exchange for the standup? Well, no, part of it was doing standup, part of it was her thing,

because it's like a $3,500 per person a week at Hedonism. So why were you yelling at Arab? Didn't you get to have sex? Do you remember when I was telling you he calls like the airlines to get free stuff? This is how he got into a sex party. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't. He was in Jamaica. Did you do it in?

No, no, no, no. He was like, I mean, well, a comedy performance by me is worth at least 10 Gs. So I'm like, you know, and this is him wheeling a deal. I have Bitcoin. No, she got it because she's a, she was an anchor for this new thing. Oh, she threw in the comedy set. She threw in the comedy set. Oh, she threw in the comedy set. She threw in the comedy set. Oh, she threw it in.

Okay, that is fucked up. That is fucked up. So she negotiated this. I was so mad. Yeah. Screaming. She threw in JJ's set. Screaming.

I was so mad. I've never liked comedy. She goes, JJ, she goes, okay, you're going to have to do 10 posts about this on social media. She goes, and my boyfriend's going to do a comedy set. She goes, 11 posts then. It was the worst gig I ever did. How long did you have to do?

Like 20 minutes and nobody was laughing. Wow. Nobody laughed. And they're like, they're like this close. And I'm just like, so. Were they people at the sex party sex party? The resort. Did you try to have sex with them later? No, it was like so embarrassing I've never been so embarrassed. Did word get out? 2017 it was like the literal worst thing i've ever done in my life six people though

At least there's only six people would walk in then walk out So there were like six people there and then people walk in and then they would see what was going on The other people be like, I actually don't really thought it was I can't watch my wife get fucked by another guy anymore So there were like six people there and then people walk in and then they would see what was going on and walk out. And the other people would be like... I actually don't... They probably thought it was some weird... I can't watch my wife get fucked by another guy anymore. I guess I could do a couple more minutes...

They probably thought it was some weird torture kink walking in and being like, well I'm not into whatever this is. Yeah, right. They thought, yeah, yeah. They're like, well whoever is going to this is into some freaky shit. We ran out of whips and chains. Why don't you go get beat up emotionally by this guy? This is where the real freaks go.

Oh, it was that bad. Oh, brutal. Wow. Yeah, we broke up right away after that. Really? Yeah, we broke up three different times. That was my first girlfriend. So we fucking would date and then break up, go on a vacation, break up, break, and then

we got back together two years later and then we went to Grand Canyon and I told her I hated heights. She took me to the fucking Grand Canyon and we got a three day thing. We look over, I look over the fucking edge of the Grand Canyon and I said, pack your bags. We're getting the fuck out of here. We drove to Vegas five hours, not a word. And then two weeks later broke up. Grand Canyon. You're afraid of heights because you're afraid you'll jump?

Yeah. Me too. Yeah, why? Because it's called something. Tommy Pope named it on the podcast. Intrusive Thoughts? No, he had like a name for it where you're like- Suicidal. No, no.

No, it's not suicide. I'm not suicidal though. It's not suicidal. You feel like you could just leap at any time. And then you have a panic attack. Oh, ah, loco. Yeah, loco, cray cray. That's what it is. Yeah. It's a panic attack. Oh, local. Yeah, local, cray cray. That's what it is.

Yeah, it's like if there's an exacto knife out, I get a little weird too. Really, yeah, I feel weird like that too. Yeah, it's intrusive thoughts, but there's a word for it. It is intrusive thoughts. It's like the impetus of something something. Really?

The something of choice or something. Oh my God, yeah, I get it. Wow, we're really getting along. You wanna get out of here and I'll watch you fuck someone? Yeah. No, I have that exact same thing. You're afraid of heights too? Yeah, I get, I get. Wow, we're really getting along. You want to get out of here and I'll watch you fuck someone? No, I have that exact same thing. You're afraid of heights too? Yeah, all the time. That's why I don't shoot guns.

He shoots guns. I can't shoot guns for that reason. For that reason, it's like, I could just turn it. Who's to say I'm not somebody who turns a gun on them? Who's to say it? You. But it's no, I wouldn't do that. You're saying it's just too easy to be like.

Yeah. No, to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did July 4th. Remember we did it on Danny's roof that one night? All on the roof. You shot guns off of Danny's roof? No, but it's a rooftop party.

We did a barbecue all, I thought, the whole time. And I don't talk, it's good to know someone else thinks like this. Yeah. I'm just thinking I could just jump right now. Oh, full panic attacks on roofs. I used to be a roofer and had to quit because I started having those thoughts. Really? Yeah. And I was like, when I was doing carpentry, the nail gun was a problemofer and had to quit because I started having those thoughts. Really? Yeah.

And I was like, when I was doing carpentry, the nail gun was a problem because I thought I was going to run it into my head. You would shoot each other with the nail gun from across the room. Yeah. That was fun. But I thought I was going to...

You were a carpenter? Yeah. Many years. I know, sorry. I mean, oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry. No belly button rings on this one. You know what I mean?

Wig all day. Hey, you guys were... Hey Jensen, quit fucking the dog. Okay. You guys, ugh. That's my gagging. Yeah. This is where I gag.

You know like, why? What's that? Don't gagging her. He likes girls with belly button rings. She just gagged at me for 20 minutes. No, I find this to be your pocket. 20 minutes. No, I find him to be the scariest person I've ever had.

You were stepping a diaper with dog shit. No, but also too bad. What the fuck do you expect? First of all, it was fucking urine. And... I had to fucking puke. I have food poisoning. So just let it work through you.

No, eww. It's gotta be a better way, yeah. Well, there wasn't that day. Well, I also carried dog piss in my back No, eww! It's gotta be a better way, yeah. Yeah! Well, there wasn't that day. Well, I also carried dog piss in my back in case I ever got a puke. Wait, don't you ever have the thought on stage that you're like, what if I just go crazy here? Oh, he's acted on that one.

What happened? That has been... And executed. You're gonna see it said. Many a times. Really? I have walked more audiences than probably most comedians in the world By just freaking out

We used to have a song, do you guys know Texas Ranger? I think it was Chuck Norris right? Walker, Chuck, Texas Ranger How's the theme go? Sing it Oh it's like a cowboy song but Jay I'm just fucking, this has to be an American thing It is an American

Do you guys know? Yeah, okay But how's it go? I'm just fucking this has to be American thing. It is an American. Do you guys know? Yeah. OK. But how's it going? I'm just wondering if it's an American thing. I can't remember the exact theme, but we used to play it on the loudspeaker after JJ sets. We put Walker, Texas. I used to take pride in that. Oh, because they were walking.

It was like it was like a western. It's hard to sing. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's like a western video. I don't have it anymore because it was on my old Instagram. Where you saw the video we did on by guys where I was screaming at that guy. My favorite thing to do and JJ first started was to film him doing his sets and then put sad music to it and send it to him. I think you sent it to other people because you never sent it to me.

I sent it to like Danny and Paul but I didn't send it to anyone. You've seen those but I didn't I did not outside the circle. Was a little bit crazy on stage for a long time. But now? No, now I'm in control. Nice. Yeah, because I want to make money. Yeah. People don't book you when you still don't do heights.

Like the other day, my trainer was like, let's just train on your roof. And I was like, OK, you have to strap your body to me and promise that I won't jump. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like that, too. Yeah. I hate heights. Heights is the worst one because heights, it would be the easiest. You were good on the plane. Planes are fine because I am jumping out, but I fainted in that man's lap because I was having the intrusive thought that I was going to unhook and I fainted on him.

The plane window is to me the most peaceful place to be. Because you can't jump out. Well, yeah. Unless they put you next to that emergency exit. The emergency exit, you want to push that. I don't like that. you can't jump out. Well, yeah, unless they put you next to that emergency exit emergency exit You want to push that? I don't like that. I don't like that. No, I wouldn't I wouldn't do that But the piece first of all, it's I'm a big plane guy You know that about yeah

Oh, yeah, you can't push it. It's too much pressure. It's too much pressure. I love knowing that it's in Ferris wheels. Absolutely not Yeah, I don't like first me neither You want to know how I get on balconies? I sometimes have to crawl if they're too high. Yeah, from the inside to the outside Interesting. Yeah sick in the head. I don't like it when the hotel is what is that face? We're sick in the head. Yeah, we're thinking about it. Well, I really have that very bad I've dealt with it for with years of dropping acid and trying to deal with it, but it is stuff drop acid I don't do it anymore, but I did take acid to be like,

what is this and why do I think I'm gonna kill myself? Turns out you just don't trust yourself. You can trust yourself. Even with my dog sometimes I'm like, what if I just fucking put her in the blender? What if it happens? Do you ever have one where if you're like, what if I just don't breathe anymore?

Like where you just go. No, cause then I would faint and your body gets oxygen. Yeah, your body. But yeah. What, have you ever tried to- Every time I'm high, I'm like, what if I just bite through my tongue? Have you tried to ever think that?

I feel like I'm living always. Yeah, yeah. if I just bite through? Have you tried to ever say I'm living always? Yeah, biting through you. Oh, you bite through it. I'd say I live most of my life with my lips chewed up accidents. Yeah. Yeah. You got big fans. Have you ever thought about thinking that thought through when you go, what if I take this knife and just stab myself in the eye? Do you ever like think through what if What if I were to do that? All the time.

Yeah, but where does that thought take you? That probably actually rectifies it, but I meditate. I think, though, my reasoning is my brother's full on schizophrenic, and I think I have something of his. Because he's hospitalized. It's just overactive mind. Yeah, overactive mind. If your mind is overactive, you're trying to figure out

a way to torture yourself. What's a better way to torture yourself than say you could do something to torture. Yeah, but think through the thought. Hyperficially. I do. I do. And one time I was on a chairlift and I went, what if you jumped? And then I jumped. No. Yeah, I did it. I did it. How high? Not that high.

Totally fine. I was totally fine. And you know what happened? I waited until there was a snow thing under me. And when the panic attack got too high, I jumped. And then I was like, see, you literally don't want to hurt yourself. You waited till you knew it was safe and jumped. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes it's the not knowing, the unpredictability, like that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's it. But too high up is, yeah, I just had a show on that, the edge, you know that place, the edge? It's like that dude and they made me go on the balcony and I was like freaking out. How could you do it?

I was holding on to another person and being like- And you're tied up to that thing? I'm holding that, yeah. Mate, you could, I wouldn't not even- Mate? Not even for 10,000. Adding it into the vocabulary? $10,000, it wasn't, it had like a guardrail.

Nope. Really? Nope. No, you're not going out on there? Nope. Wait, if we're at a hotel that it's one hundred and seventy five feet up. Well, are you wearing the belly button ring? Yes. And gold. Gold with belly button ring.

You're gold. I'm belly button ring. Yeah. What if there's like a 22 year old man in a wig with abs and a wig colored in gold and there's a giant belly button ring? You wouldn't go out there when they have those balconies and all the. Oh, I hate them. Yeah, I hate them. That's where I was. I was at Cosmopolitan. I had to crawl on my hands and knees

to go because of Cosmopolitan. I would love to see that. Soft, soft. Wow. I feel the same way. It is tough. Interesting. There's not a lot of living like this. Yeah.

Yeah. You guys have a lot in common. Yeah. A lot of people, a lot of people don't talk about that one because it's crazy, you sound crazy. It's not just you sound crazy, I think a lot of people have that and it makes people uncomfortable. I talk about it on stage a lot. And everyone has it a little bit,

so when you talk about people they go, yeah, me, I have that too. And you're like, you don't understand the amount though. That's a natural thing when you're talking to like an old person in your head, you're like, what if I just punch him in the face? Yeah, right, right. Or like driving your, what if I just hit a pedestrian? What if I five, four, three, two, one? It's just like an instant. I talk about it a lot on standup and people come up to me and they're like, what if I just punch him in the face right now? Yeah, yeah. Right. Right. We're like driving you. What if I just hit a pedestrian?

What if I five four three two one? It's just like, in instant. I talk about it a lot on stand up and people come up to me and they're like, dude, I really have that. Yeah, but you ruminate over it. It's natural to have that thought and then move past. What is the old person? I think about that all the time.

Because their bones are brittle. Because it's like full conversation. You're like, I could just fucking kick you in the fucking nuts. You useless piece of shit. Like that would be What jail do you want people to visit you can see me Diddy's Joe Ryan what do you got to plug? Oh fellas. Okay. Well definitely check

out that special. Please check it out. Chicago sold out already. Ryan Long Comedy. We just sold out all the shows in Chicago. Then Nashville. I'm going to be in Las Vegas and JJ is going to be there in Las Vegas. December 13th, 14th. And yeah. And then after Vegas, Minneapolis, Phoenix, Portland, Edmonton, Tacoma, uh, and some other San Jose, Tampa, a bunch of other places, but youtube.com slash Ryan Long comedy for the special problem solved. My podcast is the boys cast. Is this going to be out before November 9th? If not, I'm doing a Chicago, Chicago, November 9th,th at Lincoln Lodge and then March,

December 12th, the weekend before I'm going to be in Vegas doing a one nighter, but I'm still clarifying the venue. And then March 30th, I'm doing Tampa, Seattle, Washington, Vancouver, Stanford, Connecticut, Alpharetta, Georgia, Indianapolis, Raleigh, Buffalo, Boston, St. Louis, Dublin, London, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Berlin, Philadelphia, Rochester, Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Tampa and Portland, Oregon. Tickets are at punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. I just did that same Europe tour.

Did you? Is it fun? Same people, probably. Is it good? Yeah, it's super fun. No money, but fun. It's hard. It was hard to make money. I did like I sold more tickets in London than I've ever anywhere Yeah, there's a couple places. I know they're adding a show. Yeah. Oh

Bring in here. That sounds amazing. Oh I'm gonna lose money bringing him but I'm not going by myself. I brought two people. Yeah, that's good Yeah, that's everywhere as you lose money bringing people. Yeah Okay, hi everybody And that's everywhere as you lose money bringing people up. Yeah. Yeah. And dance. Say it. Say it. OK. Hi, everybody. Punch up dot live slash Ian finance for all my dates. I'm going to be in Tampa, Florida, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio, Toronto, Denver Comedy Works, L.A., Baltimore.

And we're doing a live podcast December 30th, comedy connection, Rhode Island. And the next night, new year's Eve, December 31st, my birthday headline in two shows with a very special guest. And it's going to be a lot of fun punch up dot live slash Ian finance and while happy and free on YouTube, check it out. We love you at patreon.com slash B and E and pod. See you next time. Bye bye. Don't forget your gold paint for your tank. Laugh. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you say anymore. It doesn't matter what you say anymore.