Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep121:Blood Mole W/ Matthew Broussard, Maximilian Spinelli , and Bianca Parato

Episode Date: November 20, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Maximillian Spinelli: Finish Your Croissant | Full Stand-Up Comedy Special : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MokZUzRkZbc Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and get 10% off your Jack Black order with the code SKA at https://www.getjackblack.com/SKA Support the show and try BlueChew for free with promo code SKA at https://www.bluechew.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69  https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Matthew Broussard Here : https://www.instagram.com/mondaypunday/ See more Matthew here: https://linktr.ee/matthewbroussard Follow Maximilian Spinelli Here : https://www.instagram.com/maxagazillion/ See more Maximilian here: https://linktr.ee/maxagazillion  Maximillian Spinelli: Finish Your Croissant | Full Stand-Up Comedy Special : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MokZUzRkZbc Follow Bianca Parato Here : https://www.instagram.com/biancaparato/ See more Bianca here: http://biancaparato.com https://www.laughhigher.com/calendar Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Hi, everybody. Come see us on the road. Punch up dot live slash Ian Fy dance. Punch up dot live slash. December 30th, we're doing a live podcast, Rhode Island Comedy Connection. December 31st, I'm headlining Comedy Connection, Rhode Island, two shows, New Year's Eve with a special guest. What do you think of the special guest? She's big, fat, ugly gay. She's wonderful.

And you're going to love her and you already do love her because you know who she is. But it's still special. I mean if they can't figure it out by now, then she doesn't suck. She's a good person. She's not going to die. November 22nd, 23rd, Toronto, December 5th to 7th, Denver, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Providence. I'm going all over. How about you? It stays up. Hold on. I'm sweating. Feel my head. I'm sweating. Seattle, Washington, Vancouver, Stamford, Alpharetta, Georgia, Indianapolis.

I am a robot. Raleigh, Buffalo, Boston, St. Louis, Dublin, London, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Berlin, Philadelphia, Rochester, Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Tampa and Portland, Oregon. Punch up to our lives, Jordan Jensen. We love you. We'll see you soon. Bye bye. Enjoy the show. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night

It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan So newly Jewish How newly Jewish are you? I'm finding new allergies all the time.

Real Jewish man upset. No, I for Hanukkah two years ago when I found out I got a menorah and I was like, Mom, I found out we're Jewish. It's on your side of the family. Like, let's light this menorah. And I was like, Mom, I found out we're Jewish. It's on your side of the family. Like let's light this menorah. And we did. And I lit my dining room day walk fire. I was like, oh, it's a sign. They don't want me. They don't want me. I just got the best news. Speaking of my mom, I met Glenn Danzig, who the new cat is named after in 1997, it is Tower Records in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. He signed my guitar, I pick board, you know?

Pictures, tickets to his show and I lost it all. My mom just texted me and she found it. Really? Why? Glenn E? And who is that? Yeah, what band? And Glenn?

And for Matt. Who's Glenn Danzig? For the listeners. Yeah. You know Glenn Danzig, the lead singer of the Misfits? Oh, oh. I got something to say. I killed your baby today and it doesn't matter much to me as long as it's dead. I used to have a Misfits t-shirt from Urban Outfitters. Does that count? And you didn't know who they were?

Yeah, they are one. Yvonne, Metallica, you don't have to, oh. Those are my three favorite bands! Yes! We have t-shirts for all the bands. Those are the best selling t-shirts among people who don't listen to their music. You're gonna love Forever 21.

You're gonna love it. The best merch store. Yeah, I don't know if you've been, but it's totally your style. I'm wearing a Snoop Dogg t-shirt right now. How many Snoop albums do you think I know? I know his song, Arcady Perry. How dare you? You fake the funk.

I have a Snoop-y tattoo. Really? I can't even name all the characters. Wow. This is on me forever. Snoopy Linus Lucy. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Woodstock.

Charlie? Stock Charlie. Charlie Brown's the main pig pen. Charlie Pig Pen. Pig Pen. Okay, well what's the bird? Woodstock. Woodstock. Okay. And the adults go... Yeah, and you can only see their knees or something, right? Just their penis. Just hell of a region. Just their genitalia. It's not my favorite cartoon.

Everybody else is blurred out, but that's pretty obvious. It's like of small. That's why they call them peanuts. That's why you can't hear the voice. It's the repressing those memories of being harassed. It's hard to understand what they're saying when they're hanging. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. What song was that? Takiyah. That was a Danzig. No, that was a Danzig. That was one of Danzig.

Home Your Hair. No, that was Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick. Nickelodeon. I want that band t-shirt. Whoever, whatever person made that song. That was Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nickelodeon. I want that band t-shirt. Whoever, whatever person made that song. That's what fucks. You play that well.

That's a real Jew right there. It's a very difficult thing to play. It's very difficult. That's no mouthpiece. Is that a Jewish horn? Yes. Aren't you Jewish? No, I'm Italian.

Oh, you just said that. I'm a good Catholic. Yeah. Oh, okay. So many people in comedy who just seem Jewish but aren't. I know. Yeah, switch vessels. Yeah, we switch.

Well, you are so not Jewish presenting. Yeah, I got all the French Nazi genes. You and I probably have been on the inside of a lot of soft hatred, I can imagine. Yeah. Because people don't assume you're Jewish so they can let it fly in front of you. Right. And then people assumed I was Jewish, but was cool with shit talking.

Maybe I hear you. You know, you know, you know who I get that. You know, I get that from more black people. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Not white people. Yeah. My brother and I were in a car with a driver and he was something else. He was black, but I think from another country. And he was started to talk about Jews because we were driving through like South Williamsburg. And I was about to say something,

my brother's like, let him cook. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Oh, Jordan is not here. She's on her way. And when she comes, she will tap in. And her replacement for today

is the wonderful, the one, the only Bianca Perato. And our other guests are Maximilian Spinelli, Matthew Broussard. Are you really going by Maximilian? On stage, off stage, I'm Max. Really? Right now you're hanging out with Max.

But up there. Right now you're getting Max. When you give me that. Right now, you're hanging out with Max. What? Right now, you're getting Max. When you give me that microphone on stage, you're talking to Maximilian. Is Maximilian your real name? Maximilian is my real name. Your birth name? Did anybody go to Gladys Simon's mic back in the day at the comic strip? Gladys Simon.

She's an old Jewish woman that said, go Maximilian, it's powerful. And ever since then, that's what I use on stage. Well, it's a good like analog to like Andre 3000. When you say Maximilian, I picture like the number instead of the, yeah. Wouldn't it be funny though, that wasn't your real name? Yeah, it's Maxwell. I know what I'm worth.

I know what I feel, I feel like a Maximilian. Yeah, how many Max's are there? Maxwell, Maximilian, Maximus. Maximus. Fantastic Max, do you remember that cartoon? Maxwell, Maximilian. Maximus. Maximus. Fantastic Max. Do you remember that cartoon? The little boy. I remember the toys.

The little boy. Mad Max. No, no. Mighty Max. Mighty Max. Yeah, but Fantastic Max was a little baby that would go to the moon in his diaper. What does that mean?

Go to the moon. This was just one of your dreams. This was just one of your dreams. You guys remember Fantastic? You made this up? Fantastic Max right now. We were putting this on Do Not Disturb, but now I'm not gonna do it. Skinimax, Fantastic.

It just looks like an old hentai porn. Yeah, you remember the diaper and the tentacles? He used to go to the moon and you were there. But you weren't. And you were there. But you weren't you, you were someone else. Oh, this looks like a Rudd-Rex dupe if I had to. Oh, I love that shitty anies animation.

Yeah, this is him. Is this who you're, I'm sorry, I hear this. Oh. For those of you who don't, shout out Fantastic Max. That came before Rugrats? Pop off in the comments. Yes. I would rather you.

They stole, what's his name? The titular character from Rugrats. It's Tommy mixed with Chucky. Yes, dude. It's Chucky. Sometimes the second iteration of a thing is more famous than the original incarnation. Like, N'Sync was bigger than Backstreet Boys.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Because they learned how to do it better. Being Ian with Jordan is bigger than, apparently, I found out there was a Canadian kids television show called Being Ian. Really? Wow.

Yep. Countdown to when we have to change a name. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. I mean the apostrophe. I would rather you not go by Maximillian, but just go by like really cool Max. Like the fantastic Max in all of this.

Max to the max. Fuck Max. Yeah, yeah. Sick Max. Yeah. I feel like every Max that you see in a movie title is like, yeah, really sick Max Maybe I go by sick max and I fake having cancer that would

Throw on a sweater because it's cold in there You look like you're auditioning for Tuesdays with Maury. Full Fit from Forever. We were coming in the building and Ian was going to go unlock the door and instead of pulling out of his keys, he just pulled out a full whoopee cushion. And that was awesome. Like a clown going through TSA. It's a radio. Rubber chicken. Wait, is that can you did you break it or is it alive?

Well, it was never alive. Because if Jordan's on her way, could you stick it under this chair and whoopie her? It's a classic prank. It's so classic. It's refreshing. Yeah. It really, dude, I got some LOLs on radio tonight. I don't think you have the lungs to get that open. I'm going to be honest with you.

Take some 12 full pumps and he passes out. Do we have a ventilator nearby? Just... Oh, God. Here's the thing. There's a hole in it. It's not just me. Nobody else can help you out after either,

cause it's like... Yeah, cause if I put my mouth in that, I'll get second head lung cancer, and I'll get hepatitis. Should we talk amongst ourselves what this is? Let's cheer him on patronizingly. You got it. You got this buddy.

You can do it. You are a woman. Hear you roar. Yeah, you are a woman. Oh, well is there a tape? Oh, look at that. Innovator. Oh, he wasn't sick after all.

Oh, and then tie it in a knot. look at that innovator. Oh, he wasn't sick after all. Oh, and then tight and a knot. There it is. Tape would fix that. Is there duct tape down here? I think we had duct tape down here. You know what happens if you have like an actual full size person sits on those? What they just pop really like they're for kids or for

like a 200 pound person just sits down on that heart. It just goes Sounds like a gun goes off. Guess we're gonna find out if Jordan's a kid or an adult Well, you silent queef Sorry. That never happens. It's more of a... It's not a... It's a... No, there's a hole. And it's like a little wet. I don't know if I could tie it. Is there duct tape?

This is my Shark Tank pitch. A queef whoopie. What if you blew it up and stuck the tip into the hole? Oh, Max, now you're talking about a good time. Reach around. Just kind of get that. kind of jam that in there. Damn it. I know, it's not.

We were gonna, we were gonna put a whoopee cushion for you to sit on. There's only room on this couch for one pair of large shoulders. Sorry, get out of here. I don't know who you are. Be nice. Fucking scram. Be nice. That's Bianca. What's up know who you are. Fucking scram. Be nice. That's Bianca.

What's up, Bianca? Sorry, I'm a huge cut. And you're in my seat. Bianca, you were great. We got through without you telling them about how you were here. You're leaving. Oh, actually, this would endear her to you. Come and tell the story. There's no endearing. What? It needs to be happening.

Oh, I thought you meant endear me to her. Endear her to you. and tell the story no endearing What's happening? Oh, I thought you meant dear me to her. I was in dear her to you. Yeah here come come yes perform I was supposed to stay in Ian's guest room. There's no guest room One right there Yeah, and I got in there, and I even brought my own sheets I was fully prepared for it to be a boys' guest room. It was something sheets couldn't even fix. I literally had to go make last minute plans to go stay somewhere else.

You're not staying here? No. All right, well that doesn't dare me to. I couldn't do it. This was like my full plan for weeks. He's like, come, come stay. I mean, there was like. It's really fucked up.

It was, he doesn't give details. Get out of here, all right? That explains where it's going. Yeah, It was details. Get out of here. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for coming here. Here. Do you want to plug in? Oh, I did your show in Austin. That's yes. OK, I'm trying to put it

together. You know, you see someone in the wrong city. You're like, I know you. Bianca Perato. It was fantastic being here. That's how I plug. It's the user's on everything. But you guys have a great pod.

Nice to meet you all. Love you all. Enjoy your much better place than here. So will you still be back to take care of my cat or? No. Hey! No, Sherry'll do it. Sherry'll do it.

I love you guys, goodbye. Hey, see ya. Freezy. Freed cat. It wasn't that bad, not to undercut her immediately, but I went in there just knowing you. I was expecting for a guest room down there. Shut the fuck up, cunt.

The comforter is yellow. The comforter is yellow. No, I won't say the poop. There was poop? One of the cat shit outside the litter box. And I had to clean it up when she got here. And I was like, does it smell like litter? She's like, yeah.

And I looked and I was like, does it smell like litter? She's like, yeah, and I looked and I was like by the between the time that I got home and she got here The one of the cats took a dump on the litter box. Ian don't do that. Don't put somebody here that I have to tag out. What do you mean? Don't put somebody here when I'm when you know I'm coming that I have to tag out. Don't show up late. Don't do that. I hate doing that. Why?

Because I said that I said that she could do the Patreon. Don't make me kick some bitch out of my seat. Well, she had to leave anyway. She couldn't do the Patreon. Oh, okay. Well, that's better. She had to fucking... She believed in 530. I don't like doing that. You've done that a couple of times. I don't like forcing a microphone at someone. We've done it once with Sherry.

I know and I didn't like it then and you did it again. Don't do that. You said start without you. I didn't say start without me with a different person that I then have to pull out of my... This is just like my childhood. I just like it just to this confrontation. This part is very entertaining to me. Just don't do that. It's a fun thing. I don't like that.

I'm going to do what I always did. I didn't know that you didn't like it. Just be silly in the corner. Okay, well don't do it again. All right. I'm going to cope and repress. I don't like having to do that. I don't like walking in and not knowing what's going on and being like, oh, I don't like that. I don't like being taken off guard. Or text me and say this bitch is sitting in for you. All right. I don't like walking in and having to be like, oh,

and then I just have to big dog her or else I'm gonna be like. No, you don't have to do that at all. That was your choice. I mean, I'm pissed off. That was your choice to walk in and go, yeah. I walk in, I'm pissed off. I'm like, oh my God, now here we go.

I have to either like share a mic or just go upstairs. So then I have to be like, all right, bitch, I don't know you get up. And she's like, oh, and I'm like, I'm sorry. No's like oh and I'm like I'm sorry don't put people in that sit or text me and say yo when you get here there's going to be a girl there and then I'll know how to handle it but I feel bad being like hey this is a big opportunity probably for your minimal comedy career what the fuck doesn't matter with you why are you saying saying that? Does that mean? Yes, that's mean. You're saying you're making me do these things,

but you're choosing to do these things. You didn't have to walk in wearing a David Byrne from Talking Heads outfit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thank you. Both boxies in style. My brother wore that for Halloween. And.

Yeah, it's November, bitch. And you made me do that. Cause she was probably excited to do the podcast. She's a young comic. And then I have to walk in and kick her out. She did JFL last year. Oh, all you have to do. Saying like, you don't have to like make it out to be like she's like some idiot.

I'm not making it out to be. I'm saying she probably was excited to do the podcast. And then I have to come in and be the bad guy. I just say, OK, I won't do it again. No, I won't because I need to come in and be the bad guy. I told her, I won't do it again. I won't because I need to fucking put my foot down for a second. Well, I walked in and she wasn't quick to trial because you were fucking late. So I said, just hang on the pod till Jordan gets here and we'll tag.

Are you trying to have sex with guys? No, I'm not trying to have sex with her. Check out Ian's new podcast with Bianca. Yeah, BNB. I was fine with me. I guess I was notified. Stop saying that. I'll never do it again. it was fine with me. I guess I just notified.

Shut up! Stop saying that! I'll never do it again! Jesus Christ! I'm happy you're here. Don't do it again! I'm sorry, now listen. You can give your seat to somebody. Jordan can start a podcast with Bianca. Nobody was giving a seat to somebody! This is your seat. I don't like walking in. It's no one else's seat.

But if you were late and you're screaming. You were late and you said. The microphone is on so it goes wired into the podcast. You were late so you said start without Bianca. That doesn't mean start without me with another person. That means leave my seat open so I can run in and sit down. I know but Bianca was already here because she was staying with me and then she decided not to stay with me once she realized that the room wasn't as clean as she did.

It is a clean room. Ian, Ian. It's a clean room? I am not saying that I would not use it as being a clean room. I wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'll take it. I am not saying that you did. I'm just saying don't do it again. OK, I understand how you got from point A to point B. I will communicate with you better next time.

No, no. Let me finish my thing. I'll communicate better next time. And on top of it thing. I'll communicate better next time. And on top of it, I will not put you in that position again. Thank you. Deal? Yes. Did this end up being really healthy? Yeah.

That's how we were. That was really sweet. This is how we were. That was always communication. It's always the Gordian knot. That was incredible. Yeah. I think I've been doing it wrong.

It looks $600. It looks $600. It looks $600. Why would you spend $600 on that? You could get it from Goodwill. You wearing that to color out, like, looks even more cunty because of how great the bill high status is. I wanted to immediately be like, that's a fucking sick Copa. Thank you so much.

You were curb stomping her against the table. Let me try it on. Oh, by the way, shut up, side squares. Great weekend, great club. Go out. Support that club sides. They're going to be one blonde. Great club. Go out. Support that club. You didn't have to curb stop her. No, you didn't. You were like, you're a little rat girl.

I had to I was mad that she was there because I was mad that you had done it. But I couldn't be like, Ian, you're an idiot. I couldn't make it weird for her. So I just had to make it weird for her. You know, it makes sense. Your logic is flawed. Shut the fuck up, Max. You couldn't make it weird for her, so I just had to make it weird for her. You know? It makes sense. Your logic is flawed. Shut the fuck up, Max.

You're not gonna open for her on the road. So shut the fuck up. You can open for me tomorrow. I can play both sides if I want to. I've done it my whole life. People are allowed to agree with me. People always agree with you. The only way to do that.

You always agree with me because I'm always right. What did you think was happening? I'm gonna walk in and see a 112 pound blonde girl and not be like, bitch, oh, no, of course. How does this look? It looks like it actually does. I think it's I think you can debate whether or not having it. Can I can I chime in? I think I think it's reasonable to ask that someone start out the podcast and in an instance where she can't make it. But I think it

is imperative you let her know that. Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. But I think you could debate that. And I just assumed everything would be easy breezy. Well, it's happened before and it pissed me off then and we made it, we had the same argument then. It takes me a couple of times to learn. Yeah. Yeah. And I admit, I- I think more women should know that.

I should have communicated a few fully better. Can you take it off? Can you take it off? Cause it's really expensive and you smell. Take that back. Take it off. Take it back first. You smell like cigarettes. Take it back, did I smell fine? You smell great. Take it off? Cause it's really expensive and you smell. Take that back. Take it back first. You smell like cigarettes. Take it back that I smell fine. You smell great.

Cigarettes smell nice. No, no, no. No professor. You're like a cat man. I am. I know, but cat men are, you know. Why is it? I have a cat.

Why is it less attractive when a man has a cat? Yeah. It's less attractive, yeah. If you have a dog, it is inherently attractive. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, what about a really cute cat? That's something to think about. That is something to think about.

Yeah, what about two really cute cats? Your cat is a dog, first of all. No, mine. That's a good cat. Glen. No, he is a massive cat. Password's Hugh. Password's not as big as Greg, who's out right now.

Greg is the wolf. Greg is a wolf. Oh, Glen. Glen is a great cat. I'm really impressed. Thank you. I'm really proud of that guy. Is Mark Norman's cat, who is three?

Who's sleeping on my bed right now and takes up a good portion of it. Are you getting cocked by Greg? I believe it, that's cat who is. Who's sleeping on my bed right now and takes up a good portion of it. Are you getting cocked by Greg? I believe that's a handsome cat. This tall. Really? It's a mancoon. You're nervous.

It's so nice. Oh my God. I've never seen, thank you. I've never seen a cat that big in my life. Really? It's a mancoon. It's so big. It's so big.

You pick it up and you feel the strain in its spine. You're like, oh, are you okay? Is he a nice guy? Yeah, he's completely helpless, like fully unathletic. They're not bred. You think they're like that size because they're like wolves. No, they were bred to be that size with none of the athletic benefits. So our cat, who's nine pounds, fucks up this 20 pound cat mercilessly. Dude, they weren't bred from big to small.

They were bred from big to small back up to big. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They have a tiny little meows, though. They kept the tiny meows. They just go, meow, brr, and water that. Yeah. Yo, I came home today and I sat down and fucking Samson started walking and Glenn jumped on his back

and was riding him around the living room. It was crazy. Oh my God. And then Samson turned around, put his mouth on his neck and flipped over and like got on top of them and they like rolled around and like loved each other. There was like no like get away. It was all like such cute playing. I ran to All Prospect Park with Coyote today.

Really? Yeah, and then we would play the game where I would do sprints and I had to chuck it and I would whip it and then we'd both sprint to it and try and get there. She's a great little running buddy. She has stamina for days. and I would whip it and then we'd both sprint to it and try and get there. She's a great little running buddy. She has stamina for days. I was worried when I first got her that I couldn't run with her because I was worried she was mostly Chihuahua.

Is she still that tiny? Yeah, just a little. Yeah. And now, but she has Cattle Dog and Jack Russell, so she has to be run. Oh. We got back to the house and she was still trying to play ball.

I ran with the Boston Terrier once and that thing was we were doing, we were doing like running in the woods, six miles fast group back when like I was running a lot. That thing would run ahead of us, run back, run out to the side, catch up with us. Just like, just cucking us. Just, just like, wait, a Boston Terrier? Isn't that the athletic looking French Bulldog? Yes. Yes.

And those are runners? Athletic in the minimalist sense. Yes. It smoked us. That's crazy. And then it passed out. Then when we finished, it just laid down runners? Athletic in the minimalist sense. Yes, it smoked us. And then it passed out. Then when we finished, it just laid down and wouldn't jump in the car. Oh, you got this jacket. What do you think of my shoes? I like those shoes. Very Blade Runner 2049. Jordan said I'd be better if I was taller, so I got shoes with a little lift in them.

Yeah, last episode. I don't think I said you'd be better if you were taller. You said you'd be hotter if you were taller. I didn't say that. You were tall because you were wearing my high heels. Did she say that? You had my high heels on and I was hugging you and I said, now this would be nice.

No. Oh, I got you coffee. Feeling origin story. Is it? Yeah, on the counter. Yeah, I was gonna get boots, but these are like sneakers. Are those not Vans? They're Vans.

Oh, they are Vans. They make me like five nine. That's nice. But they're like with heels like in them? Are they like Vans, the short guy collection? They give me like an inch and a half. I get those Instagram ads all the time. I wish I had these shoes for my cock.

Just kidding. It's good. Just one little shorty, each testicle. And also, I used to wear work boots all the time when I was a carpenter. Makes me feel like I'm a... Also, can I just say while she's gone, should Bianca come back? Can we all agree? While she's gone, can we say that was crazy? Can we admit? I'm sitting here right now. That was crazy. Tell me in that. What'd it be funny if Bianca's hanging

from a fucking tree outside? She's got big dog. Yeah, Bianca's just her wrists are slid in my bathtub upstairs. Turns out you have a guest after all. Yeah. I'll never leave. Her spirit's here forever.

I know. She's just sitting there crying, just never meet your heroes. Never meet your heroes. Boy, women are threatened by other women. It's fucking crazy. It's fucking wild how much women hate women. Can I just tell you a story? uh, a younger female comic was like, Hey,

can I buy you coffee? And I was like, sure. Uh, I went out, had coffee. And then Laura was like, where were you? I was like, Oh, I just went up for coffee with a comic. She goes, what was his name? And I made up a name. And then months later I was like, Hey, or no, not months later. I'm like immediately. I was like, I'm, I lied. It was a woman. She was like, not cool, not cool. And then I showed her a picture. She's like, that's fine.

Oh no, that's fine. That's the saddest. That's awesome. That's great. Go ahead and show us the picture. Yeah, yeah. That'd be funny if she was like, where does she play? And you're like, Brooklyn Comedy Collective? she was like, where does she play? And you're like Brooklyn Comedy Collective.

She's like, totally. The only bang she does is the ones in her forehead. I mean, that's something. It's good to God loves a trier. Your love. We're trying. You got a riff. You got a riff. You got a riff. You got a riff. You got a you get a riff.

If Bianca was less attractive with it like stick around What do you want to we'll get another mic? Oh? It would have been You're saying how you go upstairs to be on just as a shotgun Brains are on my kitchen wall. I know I'm gonna have to DM her and say sorry Oh my god, I got have you guys ever heard of platelets? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh is that like PRP? I? Don't want a lot of how's it done me back shoulder, huh holy Yeah, keys works I've been watching a lot of house. Knee? Back. Shoulder. Holy shikies.

Works? What's it on? I just got it done yesterday. Okay. Eight. No, 22 vows of blood extracted. Stop. I was going to send you the picture and go, good luck not puking.

Stop. You want to see blood by the way? No, no, no. What type? Show us, show us, show us. Did I show you this? He slid us right tonight. I'm cut.

Sorry, we'll go back and have a blood mole. I don't know if that's a medical term, but there's a medical term. I don't know if that's a medical term, but there's a medical term. I don't know if that's a medical term. I don't know if that's a medical term. I don't know if that's a medical term. Oh, no. No, she'll throw up. What show show show show? Did I show you this litters right? I'm sorry. We'll go back to have a blood mole I don't know if that's a medical term But there's a mole right here that must be on this major major vein right here And I have to very careful shaky ready get ready. I nick it Get ready. Let me see the best. No, it's not bad. No, he's showing you a picture of his girlfriend in a bikini It's my naked chest wife Girl fiancee. This is it's not bad. It's not bad. No, he's showing you a picture of his girlfriend in a bikini. It's my naked chest wife

Girl fiancee. This is it's Way album. That's a beautiful album. I'm opening for Andrew W.K. It's bleeding now! It's bleeding now! Oh God, it is bleeding now! Oh my God! He just touched it. Yeah, you blew up your birthday. When you laugh, it bleeds!

Go to the bathroom. Cover yourself! This is a white shirt, too. Can we get a little... I want a band-aid! Oh, good! Golly! Why don't you leave the picture up so we can all see it?

Dude, that looks like the cover of a metalcore album. That was amazing. Oh my god, what is going on? It's a mole that he shaved? Is that what he said? He like nicked it and it just bled everywhere. I'm seeing it in my eyes. The neck cut is really upsetting.

I'm seeing it now. Oh, but yeah, they so they took out 22 vials and spun them around to create plasma, reinjected it into me. They found out I had a really bad. Wait, wait, wait, what happens? Oh, this is my problem. This is like with the Tom Sikora thing where he was describing a surgery and it was so interesting, but I was fainting. Okay. This is like with the Tom Segura thing where he was describing a surgery and it was so interesting, but I was fainting. Okay, so Down in Miami. You're gonna go see dr. William Bonner. What does this? Legit license legit set up dude. It was I love your shirt. Thank you. I really love it $17 from a Buffalo exchange and what's so nice?

Wait, what how did they spin it? What spinning it spinning? It does what makes it plasmatized? It enriches the plasma, pulls the plasma from the blood separates plasma. Our portion, I think our portion of the blood plate, the enrichment is like it's like nuclear. That's so cool. Enrichment where I think

I imagine it's a centrifuge centrifuge going to get into it. Isolate the isotopes. I think it's it's uranium 235 from regular uranium. That's one of the best ones. That's a really good uranium. It is the best. It is one of the best isotopes.

That's good. It's like one of the best known isotopes. Wow, we've activated Russoir. Look at it. But you spin it around. Isotopes are basically indistinguishable except that they're just slightly heavier or lighter. If you spin uranium around it separates the regular isotope which is 238 from the 235. 238 is mid? It's regular.

We are 238! It's not inert but it's not radioactive. 235 is the one that's I believe fissile. Radioactive! Fissile. Yeah for good for no no no no no no no yeah, so yeah, so all material So that's the one where if you pack it up tight and shoot neutrons at it you get nuclear I've definitely been called this island my life. What the fuck are you talking about? They just want my blood around that's the similar I Similar to the blood they Proform MD spine and boner his name's boner. It's boner idiot Form MD, spine and sports. Boner? His name's Boner?

It's Boner, idiot. Dr. William Boner, go check him out. In Miami, Florida. Amazing practice. Very, very... Not a Jew? No. I don't trust not a Jew. Yeah, gotta get a burger a night and a night. But he studied under Jews.

If somebody's taking my blood, they better sound like this. But, uh... Why am I faint while I'm extracting it. This is making me nauseous. Jewish doctor. Oh, boy. So he took 22 vials, spun it around and then injected my my lower back with a epidural and then did my shoulder in multiple places. Three and a half inch needle. Dude, apparently I had a really bad muscle tear,

which I didn't know about. I had a- In your shoulder? Yeah, a torn labrum. And I had one more thing that he said that I forget, but- Everyone has torn labrums. I could feel- These shoes are giving dune.

Oh. Yeah, they do kind of, they look like Timmy's. So I could feel the plasma and like my joints separate. Like I could feel it like go in and... Lusciously? Lusciously? I don't know what that word means, but yes. Like like like like like like Luscious Jackson? Like like putting lotion on a dry desert.

No, like like uh like like uh like if I put a bunch of water in your mouth and you want like you would feel like, oh no, it's gonna burst at some point. Oh. Like a whoopee cushion. Yeah. Yeah. Like a.

The term is turgidity. Oh, is it? Yeah. What is turgidity? Good word, what does that mean? Turgid is how women feel when they're bloated. It's if I were to blow that up and it was, till it was taut, it would be turgid. That's me when I have a little cheese.

Yes, that is you. Yeah. We know that about you. That's me when I get shot for my own plasma. Are your hands just, are little knobs off of the top? Are flaccid? Why are my arms up here?

Just little knobs. Little knobs outside the face. Is Willy Wonka gonna pop me? In turgid and flaccid, are those the opposite? Yeah. Okay. That's not right. Turgid?

Turgid. Turgid would be, the interaction would be Turgid, right? Cause it's full of- Not mine. So you like, I started doing dry needling. Have you done that for muscles? Oh, another fainting. Tergid, excessively embellished in style or language,

being in a state of dissension, like an erection. Wow. Huh? I made that up. No. Pretty good. Puns. Gotcha.

He said it to you like you were the one who said it. And I was like, oh, I said it, but you get made fun of. I got, got. Fuck you. You said it. You like you were the one who said it. I was like, oh, I said it, but you get made fun of. Fuck you. Oh, you could say, but my shoulders in so much pain. Wow. But you could say it's bombastic or pompous. You could say this was a bloated ego, you know? Wow.

What was it? Was it not for pain? Why are you in more pain? Turgid leeches having their fill of blood But it won't reject it because it's yours. I want to use it in the other way and if it doesn't work then I'm gonna get stem cells Oh, it's like caustic. It's more used to like describe a Person or language than the actual like chemical meaning my mom just said it once I used to have really bad What when I had the PMDD really bad I would get that huge crazy amount of water weight. Mm-hmm My mom was like you're turgid. I was like, excuse me? But yeah, loving softening

to say. Wait, so your PMDD isn't as bad? No, not nearly as bad. What do you think the reasoning is? I mean, before you could like look, you could like see photos of me and be like PMS, not PMS, PMS. Now I just get dark circles before my period, big dark circles, but before I would gain like eight pounds

of water weight and just be like super puffy. How about emotionally now? How are you handling it? Well, I did just fucking freak out on that girl. I'm asking because I also have someone in my life too. I'm asking because I also have someone in my life too. It used to be suicidal and now it's rage. But the thing that has helped me is I blocked every day.

I'll take suicidal for my partner. Yeah. Kill yourself, not me. Yeah. Oh, she is. Just reverse Uno card. Got you. He blocked it with the mirror.

Does she have PMDD? Me and Laura both have PMDD. Oh really? Yeah. But the PMDD, first of all, I'm not in a relationship, which means I don't get triggered as much. And then second of all, if you- Sucks to suck. Yeah, sucks to suck.

And then if you work out every day, drastically goes down, which I do have to now. Well, that's great. That's great to be medically half the way. That's great. That's great. I'm sorry, I'm on the way. That's great. That's great. I'm sorry. I'm on blood watch here because you did not put on this bandaid well.

Oh, yeah. You put it sideways and every time you turn, it's kind of exposed. I look and hold. So I've just been a little worried. But it's not leaking. It's not leaking. It's not dripping out from under it, right? He leaked it. There was a bit of a. So am I called an ambulance? What happened? It's not dripping out from under it, right? He leaked it! There was a bit of a leak. Some might call it an ambulance.

What happened? It's a mold that you cut up. It's a mold that- Quit wiping it on the couch! If I nick it even a little bit, it just bleeds for a long, long time. But that's how mold be. That's why people don't remove it themselves.

Molds are like that? Yeah. I've been shaving over this fucking thing for years. I've cut a lot of moles. I've never gotten it. This one's just, if you saw it, you would go, yeah, that thing's about to pop. It looks like a red, like a small cherry.

It's just a great red. So it's just a bowl of blood. It looks like a red, like a small cherry. It's just a great red. So it's just a bowl of blood. It used to be like a black mole, and then it's just mostly blood now. My body's pretty... Black mole. Black mole. Are you intrigued by these things?

Black mole. Thank you. Black mole cut. Don't you come. Black mole is a great thing. I'm wearing a white shirt. Black blood mole. Yeah, it used to be all white and blue.

Yeah. Just down the center? Yeah. Dude, I get, I feel like your fans might enjoy this. I have a thing called Peely multigemini where the hair in my, my, um. That's my name. I get my hairs when they grow in on my beard come in like five or seven to a cuticle. And if they don't separate, they get sucked by the surface and swell up.

And when I pop them out, they come out like not super long, but truly thick and black as mechanical pencil. I want to do it. You know what I have? They're really hard to pop and pull them like, like, like, um, you're growing hairs. It's not like that because when I pop it, they pop all the way out route included. Yeah, they do. Like a bullet. They'll hit. They'll hit a wall.

Why do you do this before you got here? Yeah. They show if I have a course, they only result from bad shaving. And I've learned to shave better. Let's see. You have this. The trick is single blades like safety blades or single blade razor. The multi ones are killing you. Ian, Ethan Simmons Patterson switched to the. I have what black people have. I think it's a similar thing.

Rhythmous soul. He said he said that it was the single razor, the straight razor made it worse. So this is when it popped out. So that was the single thing when I squeezed it. Oh, yeah. Oh, I've seen a lot of guys' pubes that look like that. So it popped out all the way. Oh, Matthew! Matthew!

They can look like that all the time. Matthew, it looks like a hornet's claw. Yeah, it looks like, yes, exactly. It looks like the arm of a beetle. Yeah. Yeah. A big ass. Does it hurt? A big beetle. When it's swollen, it hurts.

When I pop it, it's the single best. I have a really bad habit of picking my face because on the one in a thousand chance I get that moment. It's the best feeling in the world. I can imagine. It's just all of it's gone. All the pus with it is gone. It squeezes out and empties because it'll swell up like a pee underneath my skin if it gets like bad. So how how do you make this not happen?

I shave carefully and I exfoliate and all that. But if I shave with a multi. What happens is if I shave too well, the hair gets caught underneath the surface and then it all just starts growing out of there. You gotta just buzz, dude. So you can't, Even that can cause it.

You can't pop and tweeze them? No, they're way below the surface. So they have to burst through the surface. What do you mean they have to burst through? Like there's, it's not like a very thin layer. Like there's, I don't know, but it's like maybe a more significant layer of skin underneath it that it needs to like pop through.

So that's what's happening. I'll feel like a pee here and I'll feel it for a couple of days and when I squeeze it right, it'll just all gone. One squeeze. It's great. One time my mom had a- And it's, oh, it's sorry. It's like, if you actually take it and roll it,

you would see that it's seven different hairs. Wow. All clumped together. A dreadlock. Your mom? One time my mom had a big bump right here and me and my sister tackled each other to the death for who got to pop it. And my mom was like, get off of me.

And we were like, fuck you. And we were barreling around each other and I won. And so my sister was like on my shoulders like this watching. And my mom's a carpenter or a contractor. And I popped it and it was like on my shoulders like this watching and my mom's a carpenter or contractor and I popped it and it was like all this pus came out and then a huge chunk of wood shot out. What?

Huge chunk of wood, like big chunk. Oh. Like a wood chip from being a child. It was crazy. Oh my God. Like a wood, what do you mean? Her whole life it was in there? No, no, she just must have been done

on a job site a few weeks before. That's crazy. Wow. I thought it was like there? No, no, she just must have been done on a job site a few weeks before. That's crazy. Wow. There was a wood chip from the sandbox she used to play. No, no. But remember those wood chips? It looked like that, like a skinny one of those. I had that once with I was like, like walk through some brushes and I got my legs, my shin stabbed and it hurt for a while, like a couple of weeks.

And then I finally just squeezed it and the thorn that had broken off in there came out. The thorn, oh. A thorn broke and I didn't even see it. And it was like deep in there and it squeezed all the way out in one go. You ever had a tick? I had a tick in my neck once. It was a tick.

That was. Ticks don't bite me. They crawl on me, they don't bite. How often are they on you? A lot. You'd be surprised. A lot. When?

Just upstate when I go out with the dogs. Enough to notice that pattern of behavior They're not into it It's like when I lived in Nashville There's a guy who would jerk off who would grab his junk after when any of my friends were around and he didn't do it in front of me. And I'd be like, I'd be like, you know, going like this. Do you think that's why you were mad at Brionka? That might be it.

What? I was like, you like ticks more than other blonde women. Oh yeah. Oh, a company. So you just came out with a special. I did. It's good. Did you like it? Thank you.

I didn't watch it. OK, good. Thank you. I want to watch it, and I never want to watch it anyway. How do you know it's good? Because I asked Jake. You're so full of shit. No, because I asked Jake, and I was like,

I don't have time to watch it, but I'm going to watch it. But before, I was like, dude, I am going to watch it. Because you know what he did? First of all, he's hilarious. The amount of times, you're the most person I've reposted on Instagram. Get the fuck out. Yeah.

The most person. The most person. And he does sketches. So it's sketches, stand up sketches, stand up. Oh, and the special? Yeah, it's like 45 stand up 10 minute sketches. Oh, cool. It's great.

No one's seen it yet. It's on YouTube. It's been out for a few weeks. We're chugging along. We're chugging along. I'm not lying. I'm about to watch it. It's so good.

It is Jordan Jensen. I haven't seen it, but I will approve. I will approve. Stamp it. I update the thumbnail. It's so good. I've heard. Well the way I asked Jake was like, be honest, dude.

He's like, dude, it's really good. And I'm like, okay. Who would you ask to be honest? And they've been like, skip honest, dude. He's like, dude, it's really good. And I'm like, okay. Who would you ask to be honest? And they've been like, skip. A lot, what? Oh, about their special? Yeah. Bro.

Bro. Don't get me started. My mom will watch people's specials and text me and be like, dog shit, absolutely horrible. Except for Ari, Ari, she's like, he's the best. My mom loved that special. Yeah, yeah. I sent this over that morning. This is for my mom. Yeah. Thank you. Ow, ow, she's like, he's the best. My mom loved that special. Yeah, yeah. I sent this over that morning.

This is for my mom. Yeah. Thank you. Ow, ow, my hair's done. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Just rip it out. My man. Here's how fucked up my mom is,

she watched that special, Ari Schaffir's Jew, she goes, it was good, the part that bothered me is, how's he gonna make another special after one that good? Like, how do you ever do that again? That's awesome. She's just so pessimistic. Well, it took him five years to do it. Yeah. That's wild.

And a bullying from Shane. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it was a great special. He pooped on the stage at Skangfest. Did you know that? That's pretty cool. Bro.

On the stage? It's so much stronger of a smell than you realize. Just a little bit of poop. Like just cat poop. Poop? Not in water. Poop. Alarming. Out of water poop.

The stink. What are you? I'm organizing. Poop, alarming. Out of water poop is weird. Out of water poop, the stink. What are you? I'm organizing. God, those are military grade, the size of this. Are those like above zins? Those look like silica gel packets. They're like a notch above. How many milligrams?

It's called rogue. Rogue. Yeah, it's not even, it's like the maverick of zins. Six, oh, okay. Segura got me on them. They're a little wet, which I like. Already, they're pre-wet? Ooh, I like that. Reminds me of...

I wish my wife came like that. Jordan's pooping. Hello. With all the holidays coming up, smelling good is a must. It says smelling good is a must. It says smelling good is a must. Oh, she needs to smell good right now because she's got poop coming out of her butt. You never know who you're going to run into after you take a poop. Stay on top of your hygiene with Jack Black. This is such a perfect ad for what's happening right now.

She's blowing my toilet up. Jack Black has a full line of men's products, sorry, that all supplies everything from cleansing and moisturizing to beard care. Call me when you got butt care. I hope at home they can hear, can they hear it? Ethan, Ethan doesn't like it. Committed to making men's bodies care products, huh?

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You ever heard? He hated it. But his dick was hard so he did it. He like sexually assaulted himself. He raped himself. Oh sorry, sorry, sorry. Why not? Bluechew is amazing. It helps if you're with a gal you're not into and you're just doing it to prove you're straight.

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I'm going to get it because I've been spending a lot of money on blue chew. Sorry. Visit blue chew dot com for more details and important safety information. Thanks blue chew for sponsoring the show and you have blue chew Nikes. Yeah. Thanks for the. Did they send that? They gave them to me, but I gave them to you. Thanks. Okay. Bye. My mom had nine wives I'm um, I'm Muslim. Yeah, she started dude her with the Amish people working on her crew. She's like, I like these guys right now Currently. Yeah, she's like I like these guys right now. Currently? Yeah, she's like, I like these guys.

They love woodwork and their wife shows up once a day, drops off some sandwiches. They know what they're doing. My family, we had Amish friends. I spent Thanksgiving two years in a row with their weird little... We had to shoot our own turkeys. Language? Did they speak the language? The weird language?

The one dad, Elon. What does it sound like? Can you do a slight or a croc? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that. Why is it like that? Eli didn't have a thumb and he could read our feet. So he would he would touch our feet and tell us what was wrong. He couldn't read feet. But I know that he touched your feet. Look up at the Amish read feet.

The Amish read feet. They read feet. You got you can touch. The Amish can can touch your foot and read what's wrong with you. Guarantee. How much you want to bet? I believe at least one Amish person says they did. Yeah, Eli can. Eli did it. Well, yes, the Amish wash and dry each other's feet as part of their communion ritual. And they can tell a certain part of your future, the Amish wash and dry each other's feet as part of their communion ritual.

And they can tell a certain part of your future, such as love lives and past lives. I'm kidding. That second part was a total. You got finance, dude. I got my life. I can tell what's going on. You have a cog? What has no thumbs?

You have a cog? What has no thumbs? You have a cog? What has no thumbs? You have a cog? What has no thumbs? You have a cog? What has no thumbs?

You have a cog? What has no thumbs? You have a cog? What has no thumbs? You have a cog? What has no thumbs? I can tell what's going on. You have a cog? One has no thumbs and just diddle the kid. This guy. He was missing his fingers. He was really interested in helping me figure my health out. That's so funny.

I totally believed you and I was almost like relieved when you were reading that. You did a really good job. No, that was in my last station. Yeah. No, no, that one was wrong. No, it wasn't. No.

Okay. They were good guys. Did you? Did you? Are you plugging? Yeah. What are you plugging? My special. You have a special coming out. It's coming out. December 13th. I heard it's great. When did you, are you plugging? What are you plugging? My special. You have a special coming up.

It's coming up. December 13th. I heard it's great. When did you, I heard it's great. My name was Jake told me. I was, my ex was at the recording and said it was like next level shit. Oh, that's so nice.

Yeah. And it's at, but Mike, the little field. Little field. With the lights. Yeah, I did the light board. I put them on like blue and purple. I set it to that. No one has done that from what I know

has told me anything long form there. So I I put him on like blue and purple. I said it to that. No one has done it from what I know. I was told anything long form there. So I said it's like bluish purple. Is your face light enough? Bright enough? Yes. The lighting came out pretty well. That place changed well. Yeah, we knew what we were doing there. Or Jason, Jason pitched the venue like originally. He was very excited about the light board.

So I'm happy with how it comes out. So all the all the shots have this like weird like blue glowy. Oh, cool. Yeah. That's very cool. Katz did it. Yeah. He rules. I heard it was really good. Thank you.

And you did little, but it was a while ago. Yeah. It took me a long time to edit it. Yeah, I couldn't. But choosing between like show to show, I just didn't know what I wanted. And just all those decisions drive you fucking crazy. Have you been procrastinating or obsessing?

I spent like two or three months procrastinating and then a bunch of months of fascinating now. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you just sat on it for a minute. Yeah. And I just got a mother. Yeah. What did it like there? It's weird how when you have done everything else I've done before has been one take like whether a late night set or I have my half hour. And this was like having the choice was

so much worse because you can't just let it go. You know, you couldn't mash. I put it together, but like choosing which show which joke. I was like, oh, I can't just let it go. You know, you couldn't mash. I put it together, but like choosing which show, which joke. I was like, oh, I can't be jumping too much. I went longer, less cuts. And then so you liked both shows. Yeah, I like. Great. Well, the one I the first show, we thought we got it. And it was like a calmer, like more perfect energy.

And then the second time, like, well, we got it. So let's just be loose and who fucking cares. And I ended up watching it back. I'm like, oh, the second show is way better. What I thought was like over the top was just personable enough. And the first show was like much more stiff than I remembered. So I ended up going more from the second show.

That's what Louis said, the processes. I think he said something like, it's always like that. The first one you think you got it and then the second one ends up being it or something. Something like that. I think Sam said it's the opposite. The second one feels better, but the first one's better to you as I was in the flips.

I thought the laughs were better on my first one, the recording, but I liked my performance better. That can happen. Yeah. That was my vote. Dane Cook said he used the worst performances for the setups and then the better performance for the punchlines.

Oh yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Oh, why? I don't know. He said, well like- To slow down. Yeah, maybe you're more deliberate about your setups

when the crowd, when you're struggling with the crowd and then when you're getting laughs, you're doing everything right because you're fine. Oh, that actually makes, cause you're really performing it. Yeah, I did. Like I thought I was really going for it because it wasn't as hot of a crowd. So it was, it was interesting. Wow. Yeah.

I did Gramercy and the first one was so loose and weird and chaotic that I thought it was so good. And then the next one I locked it up and I was like, that was actually way better. Yes. But I'm a much stiffer performer than you. So I can imagine I would have the opposite problem with you there. Yeah.

Yeah, I went, it was, I started saying crazy shit to the audience. It was crazy. It is fun having those like loose moments actually captured genuinely because nothing, there's no acting that compares with a true real moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With pure joy on your face while you're like,

got a brand new riff on this one. New tag for the special. I had a true real moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joy on your face while you're like, do it. Got a brand new riff on this one. A new tag for the special. I had a crowd work moment that like the bit that like always just talked to the crowd just to get some information and that ended up being like the best thing, the best that joke has ever done with the crowd. And that's great. The most interesting person I could have done the joke off of happened to be in the crowd that night.

Plant. That's the it seemed that way. Was it Laura? It was a woman with size 11 shoes who was like five foot three and had three kids, which all fed into everything. I wanted to say anyway, because she went up one size with each childbirth. Oh my God. Which I always look around to the audience for instances of those increased with each childbirth. No way. My sister's now at 12. Huh? My sister's at 12. How is that possible? Are the bones getting bigger? Is that a stupid question? Or your toes getting fatter?

That's my, yeah. It's spreading. I haven't been about it. If you want to see it. Yeah. Oh. It's getting out of town. The toes become turgid. Turgid, it's turgidity.

Call back. They splat. Yeah, it's not good. Ugh. You want kids? Yeah. Do you want kids? Yeah. Really? No. You want kids? Yeah. Do you want kids? Yeah. Really?

No. You? No. Yeah. No. I think I just- Well, why do you think you're gonna have them? We're both in relationships.

You're what? We're both in relationships. For the five years? You want a kid with that lady? Oh, well, yeah. You want a kid with that lady? Oh yeah, two and a half years. How long you been with Laura?

Eight. Yeah, you guys are gonna have a little militant- Getting married in May. Wow. That's a good month to get married. Yeah, you guys are gonna have a little militant. Getting married in May. Wow. That's a good month to get married. That's the best month. What month? May in Austin.

No. November is a good month. We're doomed. Why? September I think is a good month. September's good. I like September. You can keep the date.

November is nice if I got it right. September 18th is like a good day to get married. That's great. Yeah. I went to a wedding on the night, the 21st night of September this year. September 18th is like a good day to get married. That's great. I went to a wedding on the 21st night of September this year. 21st night? Did they play that song? Oh yeah.

That's why they did it. It was available. Is that how the song goes? We got a way to do it. Seven years to get married for that. They had a way for that day. Do you remember the 21st night of September? That's how it goes?

You add 21st of September. Oh. What did he say? 21st night of September. I feel like a pan. You add 21st of September. Oh, what did he say. 21st of September now. No, no, no. No, you need a several syllables. The 21st night of September. That feels too long. Matthew Prisod is a moron. I could be wrong. OK, you're right.

And he's lost too much blood from his mole. Wee, oh, wee, oh. And I was completely wrong about uranium. I'm just, I just, I have like an authoritative tone, but I'm full of shit. Wait, are you wrong about uranium? No, I know what I know from a YouTube video. What the fuck did uranium have to do with my blood?

Instant rich food. Wait, so now is it all better? It's the isotopes. It takes a couple weeks, but because it was a three and a half inch needle that they were poking through here and here and here. Speaking of this whole process. It's in so much pain,

I can't even really lift it above my shoulder. Oh, he's hooded there. Yeah, I am hooding, but sorry, it's not a bloated belly from a pee period. Dude, if you got period cramps a bloated belly from a pee period. Dude, if you got period cramps for five seconds, you would start crying. I wouldn't know what it feels like.

I do wanna know what it feels like. Let's act like we know what it feels like. Give me the taser. Here's an excuse for everything. Oh! It's like your insides cramp up like before you have explosive diarrhea. Oh no, that's bad.

Just that walking feeling. You know when you're like talking to somebody and you have the worst stomach ache ever and you're so distracted that you're sweating? You know what I mean? And you're like, it's me, I have diarrhea all the time. No, the pain though, where you have to be at a right angle. I have terrible pain.

Give me the taser, I'll show you. Tase me. I'll show you what it feels like. But are you saying you're having that terrible pain just in recording the pod sometimes? Like when you're having like when you're having that? That's why I would be upset. I would be upset. I wouldn't if because I reserve that pain for the turlet. How hard do you not? How hard do you have to fight to not go like randomly while what happens to you? You're just like standing there talking to someone.

I do it out loud. OK, yeah. And someone got you a pad for your period. And do you use it? No, my period's all better now Now it's one night of bad cramps and I deal with it. That's great. But it used to be really bad No, no limits, no, it doesn't work anymore the walls are smeared. There's satanic. Yeah, someone sent us a new taser This doesn't work anymore Have you used it? Did you charge it? Yeah, it's charged, man. I don't know what the problem is.

Maze or taser? What do you prefer? Taser. Taser? I want one of those big ones. It's like, I want the Tase gone. I want to see the Lays. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Rewind. What? Do that impression again. It's pretty good. Yeah. Thanks. I knew exactly what you were saying. It's a distressing sound when you actually hear a taser. I want the kind where you shoot and you

got a yank coming out of you. I have an invention. What about a taser but it looks like an iPhone so someone's like give me your phone like here you go that exists. That's a great idea. Really? Yeah. Really? That's a good idea. Yeah. Or a mace canister that also looks like that. I'm going to take a picture of you. Dude, your phone case should have mace. That's the selling point. I always thought the phone, the top of the phone case should have a little tazer. Sharks, your phone case should have mace. I don't need it on my regular phone. Cause I'll taze myself by accident. I really actually, if I use my phone too much, I would like to get tased. Yeah

When the special comes out you don't check the views just I want I want the stick. Oh Baton yeah that's yeah, I have a pink mace because if I do do something to someone I want it to be that much I want it to be that much more humiliating. I want them to be like a sissy weapon with a sissy color to know that they got fucked up. That's too cool. If I were you guys, I would carry a weapon. Women, we just go help and then there's 10 dudes on them.

Yeah, I have carried a weapon I've gotten thrown in jail for multiple times. Yeah, I am worried about that. But you guys should. Grandshuncles I would carry. I know it's extremely illegal. That's what I got locked up for. I saw these here, I've always wanted a pair of you can't order them on Amazon.

You can't do anything. I ordered my mace to another city and then shipped it here. Oh, really? I'm going to get Cleveland. Laura got punched. Yeah. Where? What happened? This was twenty seventeen.

We had just come to New York City. We were walking up like Second Avenue and we walked past two guys outside of like an Italian restaurant talking fast. I'm not going to answer it, which yeah. Um, yeah. Yes. Um, but they looked, uh, they looked well-dressed. They looked like, like cool guys. They were talking well-dressed well-dressed for them. Okay. They look cool. If they all look cool, I would feel better about myself. They look like that. Oh, they like me. That's awesome. Now are these guys that when they laugh, they would get up and run around in a circle.

Would somebody be kind of, would somebody maybe audibly be like, you stupid? Would one of their insoles be your goofy? They were indeed Korean. You stupid. But they, I guess to say you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know,

I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know,

I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know,

I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, She didn't get knocked down. Did he say anything? She didn't go down? She's powerful. I started just screaming. I don't remember what I said. I was just very mad. And then they backed up and walked away. And I thought I scared them away.

I was like, fuck you motherfucker. And one of them was trying to get my face. The other was like, Leila, let's go. I was like, come on, this is not worth it. Come on, let's go. And I was like, yeah, I scared them away. And I turned around and Laura was like, no, I was threatening to call 911

and showing them my phone. So they were afraid of her. That's awesome. Yeah. Wait, so did they have any reason? Knockout game probably, probably gang related. And she didn't go down. That's awesome. Yeah. Wait. So that did they have any reason? Were they like probably probably gang related? And she didn't go down. She didn't go down. What's a knock out?

No, but I remember so vividly we were walking and she was beside me. Walked around a car. I walked behind it. She walked in front of it as we reemerged stepping onto the curb. I saw she was wearing like a Cartman hat and like one of those big like woolly like well be a bullseye. It went. Are we going to help? like one of those big like woolly like. Yeah, well be a bullseye. It went. She's wearing a helmet. It went flying off and she stumbled, but didn't fall. So proud of her.

That's so jarring. Wow. That's crazy. There's a game. Yes. Yeah, that was a hot game. The knockout game. They just run around knocking people out.

Alex got attacked on the Upper West Side. Yeah, Danny Jollis got hit, knocked out. Yeah. But she didn't get punched. Tom Decar, Steve fucking Rogers. It's not a game. They just like it. No, it's a game. It's an industry. You have to knock someone out to, like, join the gang or something.

Yeah. So those pussies aren't even in the gang. No. They're dead. God, where would I go? Wow, that's crazy. And your girl got attacked? Yeah, she was. But it was she she said, when she called the police after, she kept saying the police, he looked just like my boyfriend.

He looked just like, I was like, stop saying that. Why did she keep saying that? But she was like a normal looking like skater type on the Upper West was like coming at her with her skate, like cornered her with screaming like racial things. Like she's Puerto Rican and looked, was saying. Visibly? Not extremely visibly.

Honestly, she was wearing a backwards hat. When not wearing the backwards hat, I don't think it really kind of plays. I would have thought it was a white guy yelling slurs in her. It was a white guy with a really good eye for racial backgrounds. Because she is Puerto Rican. And he was just kind of like, yeah, screaming at her, spitting at her. And like screaming what?

Like just like racial. Say the word! Say the word! I don't want to say any of the words. About Puerto Ricans? About like Puerto Ricans and being like, you don't belong here. No.

Yeah, and then was like, and then swung the skateboard at her. Like Cholo? Saying Cholo? Yeah, like go back to your country, you don't belong here. No, okay, okay. Kill Tony fans are really obnoxious sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah. What year was it? He was filming it to submit for his minute. This was this year, this was earlier this year. It's gonna get worse. No, it was one year. Oh, that's fucking terrible, man.

I'm so sorry. And then he immediately attacked the next black woman that he saw as well. Like she saw on the crosswalk, he was because she like, like he got distracted by somebody walking by. And then he was like, sorry, I thought you were the worst race on the block. He was swinging at her with a skateboard. She slipped the skateboard. Wow.

Oh, the soul cycle instructor. She's on the choreo. Wow. Yeah, that's amazing. It feels like you told that story to just on the choreo. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. That's amazing. It feels like you told that story to cancel out the racial connotations of my story. Yeah, I had a white... Here's a white person doing it.

Exactly, see? That's good. You notice how I felt more empathy about that one? I was like, ah, we lost another white race. Aw, shit. That's terrible. Yeah, but I bought Mace after that. Good.

I just thought it'd be very funny to make. I'm going to get in trouble because I yell. I mean, there's this like crazy karate. Don't fuck, Laura does that too. She'll just like mouth off of people. I'm like, you don't know who's that kind of crazy. Yeah. Goodness.

Just walk away. I was in an Uber the other day. The Uber almost hit this guy. And then the guy was like, fuck you, you almost hit me. And I was on his side because it's my crosswalk that always people blow through. Yeah. And then he goes, you're going to hate it.

They're really disgusting. I know, but I was wanting one. They're really, really good discs. Can I have one? What is it? These guys went on Shark Tank, asked for like a million dollars, and they were like, or asked for some money, and they were like, a million,

that's all I can give you. And they said no. And two years later, their company was valued at 23 million dollars. So what happened after, um, wait, you, you mouthed off at him at the intersection at your intersection. It's a swallow situation.

No, it's mine. It's a suppository. I'm taking a piece. Sorry. Oh my God. That was disgusting. Don't eat cookies. That was really gross. I'm taking a piece, sorry. Oh my God, that was disgusting. Don't eat cookies in front of me. That was really gross. Why did we do that? Yuck, yuck, yuck.

It even ruined the cookie taste. Okay. It's not that bad. Anyway, whatever. The guy was like, fuck you, and then my Uber driver flipped him off, and I got so mad because my niece was in the car, and I was like, you're an Uber driver.

You're doing a fucking job right now. You have no idea if that guy's gonna be like, oh fuck me. And you know what I mean? I've gotten loogies spit on me because I flip people off. I'm like you don't get to do that Yeah, you work you're we're here where you're you know, it's me I was crossing the street was Halloween night in West Hollywood and I was crossing the street with a girl I was dating this time. Oh, no

This is I guess nine years ago and we were walking across the thing and a car was waiting to make a left turn I guess we were walking too slow because when he finally did get through goes walk faster. You wouldn't be so fat. She was 115 pounds. I was in fantastic shape. He didn't even that the insult doesn't really even apply. Yeah, but it lands on everybody. One year I was dressed as Tigger and I had a hard R and I had a little thing on my paw that when you clicked it, it went, I'm Digger. And me and a cab driver got in a fight and he like, I guess like pulled up too close to me and I hit the back of his cab and he got out, we're jib jabbing at each other. And he pushes me and I go, fuck you. And I push him and he goes, I'm Digger.

And then we just started laughing. It was like, oh, I'm having a night. Pulse smash, ugh. It was great. That's the way to end a fight. Awesome. That's the way I say Laura Malthusoff. And then a couple of weeks ago, I just landed on a Sunday

and I went straight to the cellar with my bag, 50 pound bag of merch. And then I was leaving West Forth Street with my bag and I was just standing there on the stair, at the bottom of the staircase at West Forth, holding it on the lower level. And I heard some guys screaming, just some guy drunk out of his mind, yelling at everyone.

And I heard him kind of come around the corner and he was up the stairs from me, yelling at me to get out of the way. And I was at my headphones and pretending not to hear him. And as he walked past me, he shoved me. I was just like, it's that kind of night. So I just shoved him back and I pushed him a couple more steps and he's drunk and stemming. He turns around and starts walking up to me slow,

like the the Terminator in the second Terminator movie. Yeah. And he reaches in his pocket. Oh, and then pulls out something and I'm like dragging a bag up each step. Oh, my face. And you're like, I dare you to bring that knife. You're like, you're lucky I didn't sell these 15. Protection. I just started putting on layers of them. Like that fucking YouTube video.

You're lucky my fans in Toledo aren't overweight. And don't forget about the coasters. And I forget some of them. Sticker on the eyes. I can't believe that you were protecting your merch so hard. You're like I can't lose $15. Yeah so one thing led to another and I put on my koozie knuckles.

I was just screaming at the guy. Who was it? Which one was it? What's that? It wasn't one I had seen before. Oh, it wasn't a client? I might have just been having a crazy night. What did he pull on you?

I couldn't see it, but he might have been actually just making it look like he had something in his hand and I actually pulled anything. I've done that. And two women walked by and they go, what the fuck's going on over here? And I was at the top of the stairs,

he was at the bottom, he has a knife, they go, then walk away. And I was like, oh go, what the fuck's going on over here? And I was at the top of the stairs. He was the bottom. He has a knife. They go, then walk away. And I was like, oh yeah, good point. Two women walking past. Very casually. Hilarious. Stop and don't do that. And then I then I like ran away with my bag and like kept running up and down the staircases at West Forth because there's like three levels. And I was just trying to avoid him. Just just moving around until my train came. Yeah.

Because I didn't know if he was still chasing me or not. Oh, and you still had to wait for the train. That's 50 pounds. Maybe if you made more money on the merch, you would have gotten an Uber. I know, I was thinking, I was like, you're waiting for an Uber, surely. I am very Jewish.

Can you please plug your dates? Yeah, plug your dates. We were all picturing Uber, right? Like, I'm like, okay, I get it. What the Can you please plug your dates? I mean, that's crazy. Yeah, plug your dates dude. That's, we were all picturing Uber, right? Like I'm like, okay, I get it. What the hell's the matter with you? Guys, it's like $22 Uber, huh? I can't, I can't. That's what that is. $22 is a steep.

When you said that, all I heard was. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, the knife, I didn't react enough to the knife. Like that should have been a moment where I'm like, clear your, swallow your pride, whatever you do, be safe. I still wanted to fucking win the altercation. I was like, I need to rest more.

I saw one guy on the train just with a sword opening and closing it. What? Real sword or like a replica? Staring at this couple, big metal, like pointy sword, like thin pointy one. You probably know what that's called. Samurai sword?

No, like a thin one, like from fencing or something? A rapier? Yeah. Whoa! It was a rapier. There is no rapier. I would tell you. Is this a rapier?

Hey, what the fuck you talking about? It's a year of the rapes, baby. There ain't no rapier. This ain't leap year, this ain't rapier. It's a rapier. Trump's back in office, it's a new rapier. 300 years ago, I'm telling you. I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm leap year. It isn't rape. Rape year. Trump's back in office. It's a new rape year. 365 days. With no means yes, baby.

We're announcing a new type of year. Once a term. The year of the rap. This year, as much as you want to do. Once a turn. The year. The year. I'm gonna rape this year as much as you wanna do. Yes, yes. And to celebrate every day is Groundhog Day. You know what I was thinking about the Trump thing that might actually be good?

He might be so dumb that like, I was imagining if Joe Rogan was just like, you know, meet with hormones in it are bad. And he's one of those people that I feel like if he just gets an impression from a cool person, he'll just change things drastically. So suddenly, you know what I mean? So he might be like, no more hormones are gay.

We're not doing that. You know what I mean? We're doing it French style now. We have French people. R.P. Junior's taking the floor out of the water as well as the water. So no more gay kids? Everyone gay.

It should be in water. It's very important. It rots the brains and it's got azotine in the water and that's what's turning everyone gay. Azotine? Is that what he's focusing on? Azotine? I don't know, I don't know what it is.

Was it watered? Azotine? We both look at it. Aztec, I read it once. I thought fluoride was good for diseases though. It's good for diseases and for your teeth and it like counteracts like the minerals and shit like that.

It also counteracts your heterosexual genes. Yeah. But I do trust that RFK is the number one authority on this matter. As a teen. That's what it is. As a teen. Biological incesticide that is in our water.

Insecticide. Incesticide? Incesticide. Sorry, I was naming my favorite Nirvana album. Sorry. Nevermind. Is that a Nirvana? Yeah. And the water will really affect babies in utero. That's a sort of more incest-sign? Heart shaped box. All right. This was a sword on the subway. What was it? A rape maid. Come on, right? on the subway? What was it?

A rape may come on, right? Did you shower before you came here? Yeah. Really? Cause you kind of smell like teen spirit. Wow. That's fun. Hey.

Jordan's phone. We're on the podcast. She can't talk. All apologies. Jordan's phone. We're on the podcast. She can't talk. All apologies. Can you cross examine this person's phone number? Wish I knew more in the Brana songs. This person was texting me saying,

Hey, do you guys have to this one stay and we can have some pinuro, panoroyalty? Damn it. I appreciate the effort. It was a reach, but I appreciate it. All right. Well, whatever. Sorry, I worked at a restaurant. I'm used to when I had to serve the effort. It was a reach. But I appreciate it. All right. Oh, whatever. Sorry, I worked at a restaurant. I'm used to when I had to serve the servants. Give me your phone.

Why? You got to figure out this person is because they were punking me last night. Why? What were they doing? They were saying that they were from Netflix and their name was Tom Brady. Who? Why? I can't think of any Nirvana songs.

You're getting cranked. Are you getting cranked? I thought you were too cool for this all the way. Yes. Do you know why? Because you're dumb. Ask who this person is. Ask who it is.

Find out who it is. What? I type it in, right? Can you not play somebody's phone number on live TV? It's frowned upon? Your call has been. I type it in, right? Can you not play somebody's phone number on non live TV or that's it's frowned upon. You guys never talks anymore. You guys used to docs. I would rather.

Nine seven. Hello, is this Netflix? I got. That was my prank. Whatever, we'll find him and we'll kill him and we'll bury him in a place beyond the pines. There it is! That's what synecdoche means. Yeah, that's a movie.

Really? Synecdoche translates to place beyond the pines. I think that's why they named that movie that. Huh. Oh, because it took place in Synecdoche, New York? Yeah. I would rather my phone number leaked than my email address. Wait, Skenectady or Synecdoche?

Schenectady. Oh, what it was, what, how was it pronounced? Synecdoche. Synecdoche is a term of grammar. Synecdoche is when you describe something as a whole by just its part and Schenectady. Is the city? And you're saying that means-

Then what the fuck's a kipsey? That's when you get a little kipsey off some poo. Poo gets a kipsey. That's when you get a little Kipsey off some poo. That's when you get a little poo Kipsey. Before we go, just tell me, where did you sleep last night? God damn it. Another Nirvana song. Oh, I was like, where did you sleep last night? I was like, is this a segment?

Yeah. Oh, I wish I had slept anywhere else for my bed for the last few years. We always end. Where'd you sleep? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, I wish I had slept anywhere else for my bed for the last six years. We always end. We just sleep. That would be a good segment. Yeah, I know. Fuck.

I should have... Now I'm going to have an aneurysm. We never sleep outside of our beds. Do you guys? I know. If I'm hoping for it. You know, I used to sleep on my couch all the time, but now I'm sleeping in my bed that I have the two cats. That's really good.

Really nice. Yeah. They sleep with you? Yeah. My bedroom is my living room. My cat hasn't started to sleep with us yet. I'm really waiting for it. How old's your cat?

She's still a kitten. She's like seven months old. Oh, mine's four. He does. Jesus. Oh, he's very tiny. I thought I saw he was like a tiny. No, no, that's a different cat.

Tiny. The one upstairs is new. The little guy. Yes. The little gray guy. That guy's how? No, four months. Four months. He's already up in that bed. But he's really cool.

He's pretty chill for four months. That's chill as hell. I picked him up immediately. He's a crackhead. But you have an older cat too? Yeah, five years. OK. He hides in the bedroom when people he doesn't know come over.

But if you hang out for like 10 minutes, he'll come out. I respect that kind of cat. Thank you. That's a cat. That's a cat. That's a cat. That's a classic cat. Glenn's a dog. Glenn's a dog. He chases his own tail. I touched the nut container upstairs.

Our cat slept under the bed for the first little while. Literally. I know. Yes. Pastor, when we first got him, we'd hide under the bed. We'd like yank him out. No, you're sleeping up here. We paid too much for you. Yeah. And then now he sleeps in the bed for as we fall asleep,

he sleeps in the bed and then he goes out for the night. And then the morning comes. Loves a couch. Like when we're on the couch, she's all over us, but bedtime. Where does she sleep? She kind of, she loves a kitchen chair. It's like under the table.

Oh yeah, she owns private space. Yeah. It's honestly, she's kind of penny. Oh, Coyote has to sleep like in, under the covers, slammed up against me, head right here. I'm waiting for her to figure out blankets. I feel like when she figures that out, it's gonna be a real game changer for her. What about blankets?

Like sleeping on bed? I don't want them in the bed though. I haven't had sex in eight years. I don't want them under the blankets. And I've had Coyote for once. It is tough because she doesn't, we can't close doors, so. Our catch is while we're having sex. As a spiteful little move.

It feels that way. Ew, what? It's like, are you guys are making smells? I can make smells. No, and you keep the litter box in the bedroom? We have a litter robot, which is this giant mechanical thing. Do you like that? What?

Yeah. Should I get one? It's very expensive, but I like it. Yeah. What is it? It's a litter robot. I wish it had the picture. It's Laura's picture. Him sitting I was a picture. Laura, it's Laura's picture, him sitting in the, and it's like, it's a giant sphere about this big and then

has a hole in it. And the cat will like look through it, like very proudly while it poops into it. And then in that whole sphere will just spin all the way around, empty out the poop, filter out the litter, put the litter back in the place and the poop and pee goes. So it gets rid of the smell. But it's still some smell underneath. But it's like huge. There's still some smell underneath, but it's I never have to clean it up until it's full.

And then you have to clean it up. Do you think it would fit? You know where my litter box is now? Yeah. Do you know where my litter box is now? You walk past it to get down here. I mean, basically you think almost the size of that table right there. No, that's a piece of furniture.

Shut up. I would say, yeah, I would say about like 70% of that width. Auto blow, no. I'll tell you, we got her a piece of furniture for when you walk in that is specifically made for the litter box, which I like. It just hides it. Oh yes, it may have something like that.

Yeah, yeah, it's not a robot. Interesting. But it does just hide it, which I like. Yeah, until somebody comes in and is like, oh, is this an ottoman? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Oh my shit. Yeah, open it up.

There's some board games in there. My dog doesn't go bathroom in the house and then goes outside because she's a real pet that people shit out. Oh. Yeah, but she chews everything up if you leave for like five minutes. Your cat is upstairs grinding a new,

is creating a new Roman sculpture out of everything you own up there. Your cat's insane. You got an R, huh? That cat jumped up on this couch and just started chewing everything on the wall. Just like, ah. Ah.

He's just a little guy. He just falls off of me. He's Glenn Danzig. So when he acts crazy, I go, Glenn Danzig, are you demon? Wow. You have misfits right behind you too. Uh huh.

Yeah. I love the misfits. This is the misfits household. Our cat wants. You missed it. have misfits right behind you too. Uh huh. Yeah. I love the misfits. This is the misfits household. Our cat ones. You missed it. The misfits? Yeah. What?

When I was in sixth grade, I met Glenn Danzig at a Tower Records in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Did I tell you? A hundred times. No, no, no. But we lost all the pictures and everything and my mom found the pictures and the stuff he signed and now I have it. I missed what? When did I miss that?

I said it earlier. Oh, where's the stuff? I'm getting her to send it to me. Don't get it lost. Oh, you're right. I like the picture that six year old Ian had the same mustache and hair. Oh yeah, him as a baby, mustache.

This picture's blowing my mind. Yeah, right? Oh wow. Yeah. This is Ian. You're nailing it. How many times have you done that? Yeah, right. Oh, wow. You're nailing me. That's exactly what he looks like. I mean, that is uncanny. Oh, my God.

My mom found my Metallica Rocks Philadelphia free concert shirt November 11, 1997. Is that worth it? And when I saw Danzig, those are worth a lot of money. And Jimi Hendrix and my cowboy boots from when I was Danzig. Those are worth a lot of money. And Jimi Hendrix. And my cowboy boots from when I was three.

Sick. Aw. It's very cute. Yeah. Aw. Can you bronze those? I feel like you should bronze those. My mom threw away everything I've ever owned.

My mom just did that. She just moved out of her house. Good, welcome, focus, you know? The fuck? She held it hostage. She was like, I'm gonna throw this away if you don't come visit. And then I sent Laura to come back.

Laura was in Atlanta for work and she just showed up my mom's house. She was like, are you going to throw some stuff away? I can box up and ship it out. She was like, I wasn't going to throw it away. Oh, go see your god damn. I did. I did. I finally did. And now she was it. Hellish for like a day.

I imagine her being very hot. Yes. Correct. Oh, my God, really? Yeah, she's yeah. Dude, my stories about her are not made up. She's a she's a yesterday. Hothead. Who? My mom, she's a hothead. She got kidnapped by a suicide

clinic. It told you that story. I don't know that. Oh, yeah. Twenty seven years ago today. Is she hot or is she a Metallica free concert? Quiet, we have bigger news. What? What?

Yes. So she was this happened like two or three years ago. She had called the suicide hotline and by her own admission, she was like, I'm not suicidal, but I'm just so depressed and I don't know what to do. And they said, okay, we'll give you some resources. And so she came over and they basically locked her up in like the you're not safe, like one to two days. Invalidary thing?

Yeah. 50, 150. Your danger, yes, that came up. Yes, and then they kept her there for a week. All the while we like got my uncle's lawyer, we got him on the case and we go, how are you keeping her there that long? Well, that's not okay. This is like a one to two day thing.

And they go, oh, she posed an excessive danger because she called 11 times. So we got, we were getting ahold of my mom every like day for a little bit when she could get on the pay phone or whatever. And she said, we said, did you call them 11 times. So we got, we were getting ahold of my mom every like day for a little bit when she could get on the pay phone or whatever. And she said, we said, did you call them 11 times? I'm she goes, yeah, I couldn't find the address. She had called the number over and over again,

trying to find the address on the street. And they used that to lock her up because this institution was not making much money. It was in a poor area for poor clients. She has great health insurance. Every day they kept her there. They could keep billing the health insurance. Cause they said come in. No way. She couldn't come in cause she didn they kept her there. They could keep building the health insurance. Because they said come in.

No way. She couldn't come in because she didn't have the address. No, no, she was just lost. Sorry. You know how like old people can't find addresses. I think I'm here, but the address has it on the wrong and where it's parked. So they counted that.

Kidnapped? Apparently it is a TV show. Yes. There is a TV show about that right now where people actually do that with like Rose something. What's her name? McGowan. Nope.

Oh, you're talking about the, with the old people. There was a movie with Rosamund Pike. No, Rose Byrne. Rose Byrne. I've heard a rumor about there's a show about this, but yeah, it wouldn't make a good movie. She got locked up in there. That's my nightmare.

It was crazy. Could you imagine? Everyone just like, no phones, no paper, and nothing you could harm yourself with. So just like amazing boredom. And like the other people, they were like criminally insane. Yeah. Yeah. Did she get out? She could have sued them.

Yeah, she could have. I don't know why we didn't, but it probably wasn't worth like the work and they probably have a decent legal team, but maybe we should. That's crazy. As some of this, I'm going to sound like such a, but as someone that is well-documented,

that has mental illness and is medicated for it, that's one of my biggest fears of being accused of being crazy and saying I'm not, and then using the fact that you were in that environment against you. Dude, I've gone up on stage and been like, I'm worried that I'm going to stab people randomly in the street, you know what I mean?

Can you not? Like I've talked about intrusive thoughts. I'm sorry. I'm serious. I'm sorry. Is that your girlfriend calling? No, no, I had an alarm set. Can I see a picture of her?

Is she your background? Is she your background? Yeah, she's holding I had an alarm set. Can I see a picture of her? Is that your background? Is she your background? Yeah, she's holding our cat. The dialogue. What, let me see. Yeah. Yeah. You can't tell she's Puerto Rican?

Yeah, there's no way. She made that story up so you would feel bad for her and that's why you're still dating. Did she just see small in herself? That's not Puerto Rican. Holy shit. That's not Puerto Rican. It is.

It's a magical contract. You're right. She just smiled at me. That would be so funny. That would be so funny if she made that up. There's no way she- She is actually an actress. She looks like she was born in the L.L. Bean store. But sometime when she was wearing, she was wearing like a red SoulCycle outfit and had

like a jean jacket, backwards hat and was wearing hoop earrings. How big are the tits? She was like Robin Arzon from Palisades. If the tits are huge. Real border of your question, how big is the head? Was she chewing gum sassily? Yeah, yeah.

She's got a body. Was she obsessively studying Jeopardy and yelling at her boyfriend who played pickup basketball for a living. Did she have three three year olds with her that somehow got all born? She was gathering trash for the island. Was she yelling on a cell phone on the subway? She's saying caete la boca to no one.

She's a love mela. For real though. All right. Do you have to go though? I'm so sorry. No, where are you going? Oh yeah. I have to go host a show uptown. Up up? No, like upper west side. Yeah, up up. Oh, New York. New York Comedy Club. Yeah. I have to fuck off.

You guys can keep hanging out. I won't feel bad. All right. It is six. Oh, wait. Right now. Get the fuck out of here. Let's go find Bianca and beat it.

Okay. If you want to check out Max's special just in time, go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the show. Right now, I want to get the fuck out of here. Let's go find Bianca and beat it. If you want to check out Max's special, just ask Jake. He knows all about it.

He's saying great things. You can find Jake at 617. It's called Finish Your Croissant. It's really good. Finish your what? Finish Your Croissant. It sounded like you went Finish Your Croissant. I did. That's why it sounded like that. You're a little R.F.K. Jr. in your throat.

Finish your croissant and where can people find it? YouTube.com slash at Max a gazillion. And Matthew? It is night of September. I was confidently wrong. My special is December 13th on my YouTube and you can follow me on at Monday, Monday on all platforms. Yeah, go to his YouTube. Go to their YouTube, subscribe to it. It really helps us. It doesn't do anything to you.

You go there, you hit subscribe. What does that do to you? Nothing but good stuff. Yeah, just play all our specials and let it loop on your computer. Yeah, fucking loop us, bro. It's honestly selfish to not do. And when there's an ad click,

whatever that ad is selling. Dude, you have a it loop on your computer. Yeah, fucking loop us, bro. And when there's an ad, click whatever that ad is selling. Dude, you have a million tabs on your fucking thing. Always at least one thing in your house that you're not using. That could play this special at any given time. Right now, Alexa, play Wild Abbey and Free by Ian Finance on YouTube. Do it. How hard is that? It's not hard.

It's not hard at all. We just did it. It's easy is the answer. Idiots. Punchup.live slash Ian finance for all my dates. Come and see me on the road. We're having fun. Oh, man. Oh, man. Toronto this weekend. Denver Comedy Works, Hollywood Improv, Baltimore,

Rhode Island Comedy Connection, December 30th live podcast. And then December 31st, headline in two shows for New Year's Eve with a special guest. You shouldn't have had that guest. They suck. Oh yeah. You got to come to the live show to see the fucking audacity of who I thought I should ask to do this show. The fact that they said yes is like, I wish they did not. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So. OK. It's going to suck. Yeah, it's going to suck. It'll be fine. It'll be fun. It'll be fun, but it's gonna, it's. I'm sorry I can't make it. I wish you were there.

I know, if I was there, I would beat the shit out of that, I guess. And it would be so fun. It will be fun. Yeah. At last. But the person that does it, it's just like. Fat.

My period. Fat. Yeah, no, don't even joke about that. Fat, big fatty. Don't even joke about that. Big fatty. They're not, they're gorgeous, nice, beautiful. No, they're not. You know, they're not.

Their personality is fat. Yeah. OK. Punch up live dot com slash Jordan Jensen. I'm going to be in this. Next week. Really? Oh, Charlotte, go out to Charlotte, Charlotte, North Carolina, Darla Virginia Beach, Virginia Beach, bro, cause I don't even want to do this fucking gig. And it's one night and I have to pop over

and I thought it was going to be easy to get there. So it's not, so can you just fucking go as you know, it's not, I don't want to do this. It's I get to do this. We live a good life. I'm excited to do it, but I just, I'm frustrated at the routing of it. You know what I mean?

It was one of those ones that got weaseled in. and now me and Coyote are going to be on a crazy flight pattern. So just go there. And if you know anybody in Virginia Beach, tell them to go and really help me out. And then there's a whole bunch of other gigs coming up too. Maybe Richard can don't put Richard down. Okay. And there's a bunch of other dates. So go check them out. Boys. Vatron.com slash beanie and pod we love you bye