Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep123: Low T Party W/ Brendan Sagalow, Mike Recine, & Ethan Dupree

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and get 10% off the VacuGlide or Autoblow Ultra. Just use promo code SKA at https://www.autoblow.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Brendan Sagalow Here : https://www.instagram.com/brendansagalow/ BRENDAN SAGALOW: THIN LIPS (FULL STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpA3u7ZctsY https://brendansagalow.com Follow Mike Recine Here : https://www.instagram.com/mikerecinecomedy/ @outforsmokespod   See Mike Live : https://www.mikerecinecomedy.com Mike Recine: I'm Normal - Full Comedy Special: Mike Recine: https://youtu.be/Fjt3mkpvquw?si=t6EYg-O4cD32EJ4_ Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree  https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!

Hey everybody, December 30th live B&E in with Jordan, Rhode Island, Providence Comedy Connection. The next night, two stand-up shows, New Year's Eve, my birthday, me and a special guest that's usually here, but she's not right now, but that's the guest. Come and see us do stand-up at Providence Comedy Connection, December 31st, efiDance.com for all tickets. Also ComedyWorks Denver, December 5th to 7th, December 13th and 14th, Port Comedy Club. And then again, like I said, Providence, come out to that one. We're going to end the year with a fucking bang. Punchup.live slash Ian Fydance for my mailing list, all dates and tickets and Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates and tickets. and PunchUp.live slash Jordan Jensen

for all her dates and tickets. Patreon.com slash BNE and pod for all the good good and enjoy the show. We know you will. Happy Thanksgiving. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan Chocktale People by Tim McGraw You know that song? No I don't He fakes being a Native American. What? Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. He's like, I come from a man who's a red man. Man. What's up? Oh, hey.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of B&E with Jordan. Jordan is with her family in Ithaca. So we're here with our family for a nice friendsgiving here in Brooklyn, here in Brooklyn Street. I just gave away your address. No, no, stop it, Colonel. Dude, this thing is literally the piece that makes this outfit, and it keeps snapping the fuck off my neck.

Well, put it back on there. Chester, what is your colonial name? Revis McDougal. Oh, I like Jebediah or something like that. Yes, Jebediah. Jebediah the third. Springfield. Jebediah Springfield. Jeb and Dyer, the Springfield. Jeb and Dyer's. Chop your head off with my ax.

I am so I love playing dress up and I love my friends. Thank you guys for doing this with me. It's a nice friends giving. How are you doing? I can't believe there's not a podcast by two people of Native American, like a background called How You How You Doing. Oh, man. How are you?

Hey, how are you? Hi, how are you? Hey, hey, how are you? So God, I don't know why people don't let us do this. It's amazing. Yeah. Well, you're doing it right now. Yeah. What do you mean? Let let us do this. It's amazing. Yeah. Well, you're doing it right now. Yeah. I mean, let you do it like

apparently you're not supposed. You know what? Yeah. When when I got this outfit at the post office, the lady behind the register said, oh, you shouldn't walk around in that. And I go, why? I'm celebrating their culture. I think it'd be great. Because you know what? You should. It looks great.

Yeah. It's like, thank you, Shirley.. Yeah, you know why you should you should go out on the street though We should film you out on the street. Yeah, just walking around Bush Literally, I don't think anybody would care no Native Americans around like there's no Native American like restaurants or anything You know well tell us a great point Like there's no Native American like restaurants or anything, you know, well What are the Native American delicacies Brendan fucking your mom's pussy asshole they do have things And I told you that she likes you. My mom always goes, I love your fat little. It's a delicacy. Ian, they're talking about my pussy.

Ian, stop talking about my pussy again. She's not Tony Soprano. Hey, stop talking about my pussy. I need to call you the dog. So happy that the Pilgrim outfit fits you, Michael. Me too. Yeah. And it's a men's medium.

Look at that. So anybody out there who wants to say that I'm fat, I'm wearing a men's medium costume. Look at our little cowboy, Ethan. I'm wearing a men's small. Yeah, you're wearing a toy's large. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I...

This is gripping my neck too. I really tightened it just to see if like. I said this before the show. Brennan looks like he's going to the first condimental congress. Hey, hey, hey, I should have all the ketchup. What if we put Mayo and ranch together and called it Manch? Brennan, you know what I thought?

The Boston low tea party. I wish I knew anything about history so that I could join along with this joke, but I don't. Oh, that was great. That's a weird to call the episode low tea party. Fuck this, man. It really makes it, but fuck this. It keeps coming. You know I'm low tea.

You know I'm low tea too. Are you? Probably. I'd imagine. Why? I don't know. I just I'm never horny. Just I, yeah, you know, I bruise easily.

I pull muscles. I'm that what low tea know, I bruise easily. I pull muscles. I'm like, I don't know. I would just, I think I could use more testosterone. Probably standing next to a man. Jimmy Hendrix was native American. Was he? There's a museum in lower Manhattan, the museum of the American Indian. It's a pretty cool museum. I've been. It's amazing. It's amazing. Incredible. They talk about what they used to eat because they did have a

they used to have their own. They still probably do have their own delicacies that we don't know about. And we're all laughing about it. All the you're laughing at genocide. All of I'm not laughing at you. He's laughing. No, but it is funny. The camera wasn't on and Mike's phone went off by accident. me a genocide. All of I'm not laughing at you. I was laughing. I went to the no, but it is funny. The camera wasn't on and Mike's phone went off by accident and it was like that beheading children's head and the beheading of the children.

The head is their heads are being cut off. Now, here's the thing. You got to keep up on what what do you think on the news would happen if we started a Native American restaurant? Uh, I think we would definitely make the news, but I think it would go viral for a bad reason. What if we made a Native American restaurant? That's not the health department. It has nothing to do with cultural stuff. They find mustache hair and all that. We should make a Native American restaurant and every menu item will be the name of our

specials. A Native American restaurant. So that people, it'll go on and on. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. item will be the name of our specials. A Native American restaurant. So that people, it'll come on the road. Oh, that's funny, yeah. People will be like, thin lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thin lips. I would say-

Well, Native Americans, they did corn, they did sweet potatoes, all the big foods. All the Thanksgiving foods. What I actually learned at the museum was that Europe was like on the brink of they were like starving until they started importing all the food from the Americas. Well, you're welcome. Yeah. I saved you. Yeah. I know. Let's take on the roles of our characters. Okay. I'm a mom. I never am good at taking on the role of any character and you got enough roles here, buddy. All right. All right.

All right. You saw what happened last time. Oh, no. Between the Pilgrims and the Indians. Let me guess. What's my name? Chief Suckadook. I get it. Chief Jerks all choose friends when they're not around. Chief sucks some cocks. This is the first time an Indian's giving someone a disease.

I do like this outfit though. I think if I was born during that time, this is how I rock him. Yeah, I always felt the same way. Yeah. Would you be the town crier? What's that? The town crier was a guy that went around giving news to everyone, yelling out the news. I do look like Paul Revere. He's like here he is gay I gotta wake the fuck up Michael fits into a medium somehow What Ian says when his gay lover is like, where are you? Here he. Come on, man. Come on. That's funny. You know, that's funny.

Here he. Ha. That actually scared me. Anyway, I saw Wicked last night. How was that? Fucking awesome, dude. Really? Yeah, one of the best films I've ever seen. Nuh-uh. Yuh-huh.

They spent $425 million on it. Oh my God. Is it a remake or a continuation? Have you seen it on Broadway before? Yeah, years ago I saw it with my family when I was like a little punk kid where I was just like, this is gay. And I fell asleep on purpose to be an asshole.

I love Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, okay, let's talk about Thanksgiving. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, go ahead, go ahead. No, no, no. I just had to get it out of my head. When are you going, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? I'm gonna go see my mom and spend a couple days with her and then I'm gonna come back here.

That's it. What's your favorite food to eat? and then I'm gonna come back here. What's your favorite food to eat? I mean, I gotta go stuffing. Green bean casserole, that's interesting. Ian loves getting stuffing. Alright, you know, we all fuck people, okay? We all have, yeah, we all have sexualities. We're all sexual beings.

Some of us express it by making love to our wife once a month. You're up to once a month. Wow. Look who's up in the tea. I'll have one that lands. Just you wait. No, I. Well, speaking of land, you took mine. So fuck you. I hate. Oh, I like this. I can be a sassy Indian. You know what? Why don't you just shove it up your ass? Yeah. Gay Indian? Yeah.

There had to be an Indian back then that was gay. That was like. Well, there was two spirit. That's where two spirit comes from. Oh really? What's that? The feminine and masculine, the alpha and the omega. Two spirit.

Not bi. No. Just gay. Yeah. alpha and the omega, two-spirit. Not bi. No. Just gay. Yeah. That sounds like bi, two-spirit. No. Man and woman. I mean, there were certainly gay Indians. I mean, and the Indians were fucking savages, dude.

The shit they would do to fuck it up. Who's a gay Indian? Change my language and I say that. You know, it's a gay were they were on Minaj. You know, yeah, yeah. I'm gay. It's got like a peace like a stupid earpiece. Like this. Yeah, yeah.

I'm a song. It would be funny if there was a really popular Native American comic that used one of those things as the mic. What was the Samanaj's like scandal? He like lied about a bunch of stuff. He lied about getting sent ants. And he said it landed on his daughter's head or something.

Yeah. And then he lied about a bunch of other shit. Yeah. And I brought him up at the cellar. It was right after his article in the New Yorker came out. After he threw a bunch of comics under the bus and then got caught from lying. Who'd you throw under the bus? Did he throw comics under the bus?

Well, I know that Jeselnik did that when he shared that Seth Simons article. When he was like, yes, there is a Nazi problem. Oh, did he? And the fuck that I did say there is a Nazi problem. Really? He's like, all right, by known, renowned journalist, Seth Simons. Yeah. And so I was just typing with his toes behind his head, trying to suck his own cock.

Where is Seth Simons? He disappeared. He's like in New Hampshire, like Breaking Bad. Rock working at some coffee shop probably. Like a fucking queer. Yup. We won, you lost. Whatchamacallit. Yeah. This is us winning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in a basement. We're dressing up.

Yeah, fuck you Seth, we won. Funny how it lasts everything. Ha ha ha. Funny first. We're almost 40. I don't have a family. I can't make an emotional connection with anybody. I keep getting cats.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I can't make an emotional connection with anybody. I keep getting cats Yeah, I don't know if he's on on stage and For his credit. I was like guys this ex comic is such a treat to have him here An explosive great article just came about him He was like it upset yeah Article just came about You know I will defend the Comics can lie on stage kind of thing makeup stories and all that but it is weird to like race bait with it You know what I mean? Yeah, you're like Cuz then it's like difference routine being like I was at the bank last week. You're like my daughter drank

In finances fan sent it to me Dude without the headdress you're this outfit. You look like a fire dancer on a cruise That guy I saw at the Oh, that guy I saw at the Hawaiian party last night. Oh, God, I got a cigarette for the same family day after day. Oh, it's horseshit. Um, yeah, I ate a pie is my favorite sweet potato pie. Yes, yes. I don't think I've ever had it.

You've never had sweet potato. I don't think so. You have to have like marshmallows on top. So that's the that's. Yeah, I was never like sweet potato pie. I don't think so. I'm not like a- You have to have like those marshmallows on top. So good. That's the best. That's a yeah. I was never like a pumpkin pie guy.

Cause when I eat it, it makes me think of diarrhea a little bit. Yeah. I think that's kind of why I don't eat pie either. Like I don't like- You don't eat any pie? Yeah. I'm like a, the consistency. Like I don't like the feeling.

What about like a pecan? No. You don't like pecan? I mean maybe. Pecan's great. Maybe if I ate one I just don't like. I just don't like the texture. I don't like the feeling of like a crispy crust. What about like a pecan? No. You don't like pecan? I mean maybe. Pecan's great. Maybe if I ate one I just don't like pie. I don't know what it is. I'm more of a cake guy.

I'm a textured dude. Do you ever hear Paul F. Tompkins joke about the potato famine? And he goes, he's like the potato famine is like when they ran out of potatoes, how picky are these people? He's like, oh, we're starving. We're starving. They're like, why don't you just have corn? He's like, I'm kind of a texture guy Dude I saw you know that Irish potato famine was actually kind of orchestrated by the yes. Yes, we all know everything

It was like it was like by design. The English exported all the. Yeah. Well, really, you fucking Uncle Tom, you're Irish. You're laughing at a potato family. Yeah. You piece of shit. I'm American, first of all. Oh, American. I didn't come over on no fucking boat. You just start Fortnite dancing.

Yeah, I'm American. Well, welcome back to another episode of B&E with Jordan. I'm here with the Nina Pinta and the Santa Maria. That got me, dude. That was a good one. You brought the spice, I brought the zest. Ethan just looks like a imagine. Imagine Brandon. It really does look like you just look like Woody. Dude, Ethan looks like one of those things you put in the tub when you put water to it, it expands.

It looks like you just like expanded and we put you in the corner of the couch. I go, fuck. There's a snake in my boot. It looks like you just like expanded and we put you in the corner of the couch. I go, fuck. There's a snake in my boot. There's a snake in my. What's the other ones? There's a snake in my boot. Reach for the sky.

Reach for the sky. Reach for the sky. And no, Sid. Take leave me. Andy, stop experimenting with me. Andy, stop experimenting. Please stop checking us for penises. We do not have them. Andy, if you lick my crotch, it's not going to grow. Stop. I love you, Buzz.

I cried when I saw that movie in theaters. Oh, the first one. I worry, too. I cry in almost any movie anytime There's like one of those you caught me crying at Planet of the Apes Yeah, I looked over at Ian we saw Planet of the Apes years ago, and Ian was like He's like oh, I paid her for sex How many pornos are named Planet of the Apes and it's like all black people? Oh come on, come on, I know. Brendan, Brendan, I'm a native American.

I know I'm dressed up like a native American. De Corum Brendan. We're dancing around it. How old do you sleep at night? We're just doing a little rain dance around racism. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anytime there's a movie, there's like one of those all is lost moments in a movie, you can catch me crying. What do you mean all is lost moments? Yeah, I mean the last. Just like every movie has a moment where the hero

is like at their lowest. Well, Finding Nemo is so sad, it's like the all the other babies die Yeah, I mean by the barracuda and he's like he's deformed, you know, so his dad's like overprotective Yeah, but he's like stop telling me I'm I can't do it. You know, right telling me I can't I'm never fucking kidnapped Don't ruin it for me I lost my virginity to that movie. Finding Nemo? What were you like? Were you like 25 when that came out? 27?

Finding Nemo. You'll spread your ass for this one. It was like a movie that's just background noise. And Eight Crazy Nights was on and then it transitioned. That's a good movie. You can't fuck to Eight Crazy Nights, bro. You should rewatch that one. Yeah, I think I want to watch that during the holiday season.

You know, it's really good. Jingle All the Way to all the way to a good two. I watched that last year. Yeah, that's a really good movie. Is there is no better season, I think, than between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Really? I like to week after Christmas. The week after Christmas, I like better. The minute it becomes like January 2nd or 1st.

You start ramping up for the 6th. You're like, no. What? Ramping up for what? Yeah, I forgot about that. I go, the 6th is really the holiday. That's our Christmas. And we're saying Christmas.

That's our Christmas, and we're saying Christmas. Deb has an uncle in Staten Island, her, her uncle Tommy, and he, he drove down to DC on January 7th, the day after he went to DC. You're like, what's going on over here? He drove down the day after. You got to give it to him that it only lasted one day, right? Didn't it only last one day? Yeah, no, like, like a couple of hours.

Yeah. The majority of the people were just stupid Dorito people. And they were like, oh, we got to go. Yeah, that's why if you're ever afraid of it, it was spearheaded by the FBI, by the way. Well, I was there to pay OC. And I didn't I didn't get to do it. Maybe maybe next year.

She was in my neighborhood last year. She was. She came out for this like Irish festival or something during St. Patrick's Day. And they were like, she was talking and I was like, she's fucking hot. Like, she's in person. She's that's such a no. But then you're with her in bed and you just blam, blam, blam, blam. We got to figure it out, which is hot until you come. And then you're like, God, she's got some classy nanner.

Yeah, I don't want you to get flagged for that comment, by the way. What comment? Sometimes if you say the R word, they fly. Oh, did you say that? No. Well, no, I think you're a great. Yeah. Do we have said we're living in such a dystopian time where like TikTok and the algorithm is affecting the way we're talking. So we're saying things like, I got graped, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah. It's a... Did you get graped? Did you get graped? I got gray-lusted. I got graped? You got gray-lusted. I got grow-lusted.

You didn't get graped, you got blue-buried. I got a couple blue-buried. I got cantaloupe. And it turned me into a fruitcake. I got a couple of blueberries. I got cantaloupe. And it turned me into a fruitcake. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like you can't say, you can't say our word or whatever. You can't say, you say grape.

We got a flag on our YouTube for that. Yeah. You can't say porn. You got to say corn. So, you know, we're living in hell. What if I make it all fucking salad? Yeah, dude, it's gonna be two different vibes in the future when they say, I love grape corn.

I did tell you this, I love child corn. Candy corn. How about kitty corn? You know what we should do? We should open a French restaurant and call it crepe culture. Grape culture? Yeah. That's great it crepe culture. Crepe culture? Yeah. That's great.

Crepe culture. That was funny. Ethan, the life is leaving us. Yeah, no, we are totally living in hell. Every time I go to type something online, I'm like, but I don't want to get in trouble because if I lose my Instagram, I'm fucking toast. You're toast. I'm already in toast world on Instagram.

And you've worked, and I remember people making fun of you like six or seven years ago about how much you posted, and now look at you. You got this, you know, nice following, nice little- Thanks, I didn't know that, but thanks. Nice little- I don't remember that, but that does sound right. Really?

Nick made fun of you to your face on the... Oh, well, Nick makes fun of everything. Every single thing Nick makes fun of. I just like posting and having a good time. You like posting. You like posting. Yeah, I do. See, here's the thing. I don't like posting clips, but I like posting like, here's what I did this week.

And it's like fun pictures of friends. But I hate like the clips and stuff. I hate that shit. But like, I like posting stories of like... But I hate like the clips and stuff. I hate that shit. But like I like posting stories of like. I like posting my son in his underwear. Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's good for the algorithm.

Right up to the line. It's actually really good. Yeah, the algorithm really likes when you post your toddler in his underwear. Dude, have you guys, something popped up on my feed that like the algorithm takes you to like such a sick place What do you mean like just if I go to post a reel the first video that pops up is something

it's just like a man's head being like really I Was peanut butter. Oh, yeah Yeah, I mean it's so shit that exists on my kid was watching YouTube the other day And he was watching like Sonic the Hedgehog and there was like a baby Sonic and the dad was leaving holding a piece of paper that said divorce on it. I'm like, what the fuck are you watching? And it's right at our fingertips to like this freak shit. You want to see some real freak shit going to talk live.

I don't do Tiktok talk live. Why? Because you're a bit of China. I don't like China. No, I don't like Tick-Tock. Why don't you like Tick-Tock? Because it feels a little dead. It because because here's why I don't like Tick-Tock, because first of all, I did a commercial for Tick-Tock when it first came out and it felt truly evil. And I taught you about this, how I feel like aliens are not so much like alien life form as alien is technology and technology that's been

introduced to us to tear us from the inside out is a form of alien invasion. And when I was in this commercial for Tik Tok, we were aliens introducing Tik Tok to Earth and the client. They're like, great, we don't even have to put makeup on this guy. I think I was the only one not in alien makeup by the way. But we had to introduce this alien technology to Earth and the client from China running TikTok showed up. We weren't allowed to be in the room with them.

We saw them come in with all these bodyguards. They were like the most lifeless, dead-eyed people I'd ever seen in my life. It was the creepiest fucking thing. It was so fucking weird. You think Instagram's any different than those people? Totally. It's all fucking evil. It's all evil. It's all fucking terrible. And ever since Meta took over, it's completely changed everything, and now you can get a community guideline violation for like petting a dog and be like, I just want to squeeze it to death. And they're like, exciting violence.

It's like, what are you talking about? And then some guy calls me like a hooknaise. Fucking fuck yourself, faggot. And then I'm the one that gets in trouble. It's like, fuck you. Or you could say Hamas has a right to defend themselves and no one in Hamas anyone. And you get a flag for that They flag you yeah, you're speaking the truth

Well, you know the dead internet theory what's that what's that 70 70 percent of the internet and all these accounts and all shit They're all bots. Oh Yeah, and once you like kind of like start thinking about that, how do you get the bots to follow you? Yeah. Well, yeah, you could try. But they're also just like AI generated horrible comments. So when they see something start cooking, then a bunch of AI horrible like you go to these profiles and they're like one

video of like a car in a CapCut thing where it's like fucking, you know, playing Kid Rock. That's because they have access to everybody's face that is ever been alive for the past 20 years because we were all like, oh an app that'll let me see how I look when I'm old, take my face. And then they have access to it so they can just make these insane AI people that look real, feel real,

act real within, you know, an AI-based text, and it seems like it's a real person, but it's just completely made up to sow discord. We know about Cambridge Analytica, we know about the Russian troll farms, and nobody gives a shit. What are you laughing about? I'm laughing at you, a Native American,

like if you went back in time, It happened to my people once. And you said this to pilgrims. Okay, the government took my people away, and it's happening again, and I'm not going to take it. The government took my people away and it's happening again. And I'm not going to take it. How did we let this happen? How? How dare you?

But and also, I think I'm bitter at TikTok because everyone and their mother was like, dude, if you post all your clips go viral. And I was like, OK, and I did. And nothing ever popped up. And I was like, this piece of shit. Well, once you start calling people bots, like if you get a bad comment or whatever and you're like, you're a fucking bot, they stop responding. They just don't respond. Interesting. Yeah, it's fucking nuts.

Hmm. But, you know, I think I'm a little too chronically online. What about you boys? I don't know, but next time you make fun of me, I'm going to go, shut up, bot. I'm just going to go, we go, you like it in your bot. Your guys are going to have to start laughing at these gay jokes. All right. Ian takes it up the bot.

See, I think that everyone has everyone expresses themselves as sexually in a different way. It's a good bit. It's a good bit. It's a good bit that you guys are doing. What? Being honest. All right. OK. What else is happening?

Somebody keeps somebody keeps beating the shit out of Jay Leno. Have you guys been following this? I bet you know, Leno owes money to somebody. I don't think that's, I think he's just an old guy that fell down. Really? Do you really think he got beat up? So what I was reading was that in 2022,

he got set, he caught on fire. Then in 2023, he was like riding his motorcycle and he rode through a parking lot and he said there was a string that he didn't see and he fell off his motorcycle. You can look it up. Yeah, it's like he's just like Wile E. Coyote like getting Well, I thought it was a cavernous tunnel, but it turns out it was just painted on a wall. It was a brick wall and I crashed right into it.

Maybe Conan O'Brien is just like getting him back. That's what I'm saying somebody's fucking with him, but he but he's got to like, for some reason, he has to tell the media that, you know, everything's fine. Well, yeah, because you got a giant. Do you really think that or do you think we're also cooked that nothing can just happen anymore without people being like, it's a conspiracy? Well, it happens. What's going on? This is what's something nefarious.

Yeah. Well, it's bizarre because he said that he was like walking down a hill. He was trying to cut through a, he was walking to go get dinner. Right. And people like, he's staying in Hampton Inn and he's worth how much money and he stays in Hampton Inn. It's like, yeah, he's notoriously cheap. Yeah. He is cheap. Like that's- What? Yeah. That's like, he was like, I fell down. Apparently he still hasn't touched his tonight show money. Like that's, he's still like living off his touring comic money or whatever. That's like the rumor. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like people don't understand that you can be like an old cheap guy that wants to like save your money. And they're like, well, it's just a little, it's a little weird that he just keeps getting fucked up. Have you ever seen an old person fall? Old

people get fucked up on a fall. Yeah. They also- Like his whole face is bruised because he probably hit the fucking ground. They fall in slow motion but hard. Once an old person starts getting hurt, they start falling around a lot. Like my grandma, that was happening to my grandma, she was always- she always had a fucking bruise on her. And they're like a fucking banana, they bruise so easily. Right. It's crazy. Right.

Jay, it looks like three of your fingers are missing. What's happening? You know, it's just old age. Oh, I actually removed them myself. But who would he owe money to? Is he a bad gambler? I don't know. Yeah, I don't, yeah, I don't know. Maybe.

Well, the whole internet getting attached to conspiracies, that's the thing too. Everything happens to people like, they're a to people like they're a pedophile. They're a pedophile. Yeah. Fucking the this guy, this dad just jumped off a building because his daughter went missing and the internet went crazy with all these. I saw that. And we're like somehow blaming him and he killed himself

because he couldn't deal with it. And it's like, whoa, people like feel so entitled. Everybody wants to be their own. My favorite murder podcast and like be an internet sleuth to figure this shit out. And it's so disheartening and sad. Like imagine something tragically happening to your family. There's just a bunch of morons online. They're like, you actually killed your daughter.

Sometimes they solve the crimes, though, which is very rare. When did that happen? Don't fuck with cats. Oh, 12 years ago. I'm just saying. Hey fellas, all you want for Christmas is a perfect blow job. Lucky for you, the auto blow ultra is here. That's right It gets the job done and it syncs up to a free library of spicy videos. Look how fast he goes Hi, yahoo. Hi, yahoo. I'm gonna come my yum. My yum, ma Whether you struggled ed, ah Or it's just something, you know is going to work, the auto blow is your answer.

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Oh, Ethan. Ethan. No, but they didn't even, did they solve it? There's nothing wrong with investigating. What about that girl that died in the water tower and everybody tried to solve it and they blamed it on some guy who had to leave the country because he was like, no, I didn't do this. But everybody blamed it on him because everybody wants to be the fucking hero. Yeah, it's not good.

I don't think people should have any say in that kind of shit. Yeah. You know, what am I saying? I haven't said anything for a bit, so I thought maybe I'd contribute just no substance sentence. Can we talk about Thanksgiving sides or something? What do we know about?

What are we all grateful for? When we're like, yeah, qualified. Let's not act like we know something. Mashed potatoes. What are you grateful for, Brendan? Come on, tell us. I'm grateful for ironically my health. That was kind of bizarre because that girl went missing. She was She took a flight from Hawaii to LA. Yeah, the connecting flight. She was mad

Yeah, it's a thing just like that girl Jack Soloso that poor fucking girl Yeah, when she went off her meds was in a psych ward Tweeting like if I die know that my family did it And my boyfriend runs a sex slave ring and she was psycho. And then everybody believed it online. And when her family was like, hey, please respect our time, they were like, you're the one that killed your daughter. OK, now, if I was someone's family and I was running a sex trafficking ring and my bipolar daughter, that's what I would say.

I would go, yeah, she's, no, she's bipolar. I don't know. That's why conspiracies will just live on and on and on because you can always talk yourself out of reason with like conspiracy. Yeah, but you know when something is like not right. Jay Leno getting set on fire three times in three years is a little sus.

It's a little fishy. I'm just, I'm just bad with my, with my dexterity. Sorry, I'm just bad. No, I just like to drink lighter fluids sometimes. And I, I like to drink. If you were married to Mabel this long, you'd do the same. I listen to B&E and all that.

And I, I like to smoke cigarettes. I feel like I'm on the show. What are you grateful for, Brendan? Your health? What's up with your health? My health, I'm having a pretty good year as far as my past couple years have sucked ass. That's good. And I think this is the best, you know, I'm grateful for that, that I'm like doing alright, you know? And that's pretty much it. And then I got buddies and friends. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm Buddies and friends is important. Yeah, what are you grateful for? your health

My health Yeah, I am grateful for Actually my health because I was in an incredibly bad car accident this year I should have died I didn't. I survived. It's gonna take a lot more than you to kill me, Florida. And I lived to tell the tale. You were wearing your seatbelt, right? The seatbelt saved my life.

The seatbelt saved my life. The Audi saved my life. Airbags went off everywhere. And the person you were in the car was like, Ian, put your seatbelt on. The woman that you were in the car with. Did she really? She was like like, Ian, put your seatbelt on. The woman that you were in the car with. Did she really? Like, make sure you put your seatbelt on.

Hey Ian, you're going to want to make sure you put your seatbelt on. Someone said it to you before you got in the car. No, I was with a black janitor. It was a black janitor going, hey Ian, don't forget to wear your seatbelt, man. No, it sucks. When we got hit by the car, I chomped her dick off. No, I should have been much more injured than I was and I'm making a recovery. I just got platelet therapy and in my shoulder and that's finally started. You remember I couldn't like lift my shoulder

two weeks ago and like, look, it's, it's getting better. It's still painful, but I have mobility now, which is good. I've been back on my bicycle. I'm grateful for Glenn. He's really enriched my home. I've cleaned my apartment to like the next level so that he doesn't have to, you know, get into stuff. So my apartment's like super clean and he's brought Samson out of his shell and that's really nice. So I'm really grateful for my cats. I'm grateful for my friends. I've made new friends this year and I've gotten reconnected and closer with my old friends as well. You know, it's just, it's just nice to be alive.

Michael? Michael? I'm grateful for you guys out there for coming to shows. Thank you. Thank you so much. It means a lot. Yeah. Come up.

Give me a hug. You know, I'll say this. I went to the DMV a couple of weeks ago and I got new license plates for the car. And if it's good to like get that done, it's good to like get your paperwork done. Yeah. You know? You're grateful for closing the loops in your life. You're grateful for government bureaucracy. I'm grateful for government bureaucracy I have to say. Yeah it was pretty relatively easy to get the new plates. The woman was only a little bit condescending to me. Great. She was like make sure you fill out because

you didn't fill out the paperwork the right way. And I said all right she just corrected it you know with the pen. I got the license plates and put them on my car feels good to you know you feel like an adult it feels yeah to get your paperwork done yeah I met with an insurance adjuster the other day yeah what done the accident it's just good to take it to like tackle these things that you're like dreading yeah so. So my great. I don't know. Is that something to be grateful for? Yeah, I'm grateful for that woman at the DMV. Yeah. Pretty. It was relatively nice.

You're not like in a depressing hole that keeps you from doing. Are you in a depressing hole? It sucks. It's called Ian's mom's pussy. We already talked about that. My mom likes you. Yeah. Gets excited when I tell her that we hang out. You didn't have to go there. You're better than that. No, I get into a thing, I think, once a month where I think I have a period. It's called your period.

I think I do have a period. I think I do have a period. Once a month, I have a fucking period. Maybe it's because you make tasteless jokes about your friends' mothers' genitals. Yeah, really. That's done nothing but support anything from that. No, no, no. I don't feel anything from that. Yeah, it's not good to betray your friends mothers channel. Yeah really, it's done nothing but support anything from that. No, no, no, I don't feel anything from that. Yeah, it's not good to betray your friends. Yeah.

No, I don't care about any of that. I mean, you're dressed up like a colonial guy, not a rat, so act like it. Rats can dress like this. Have you ever seen Muppets, like the old Muppets movie? Oh yeah, that's a good point. Idiot, they dress specifically like this. Muppet, Christmas Carol, that's probably the best.

That is, yeah. Christmas movie. Yeah. I also like I'm up at Christmas Carol. That's probably the best Christmas movie. I also like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol. Is it like Scrooged? Any kind of adaption of... Christmas Vacation. One of the best. Great movie. What else is a good one?

Nightmare Before Christmas. The Santa Claus is like, that's a good movie when you're a kid and then you watch it as an adult. You're like, so the guy's a slave now? Yeah, he's a slave to it. Santa fell off his roof and now he's a fucking slave. Well, it's essentially It Follows. Do you ever see that movie It Follows? No.

It's a movie about like somebody, it's basically a horror movie that's supposed to be talking about like STDs and all this shit, but they're like it Something like gets on you like a virus and you have to fuck it off of you or else People are constantly trying to come kill you so they're trying to like they're walking towards you and we pass it on by having sex With somebody else and then you pass it on by having sex with someone else and then you tell that's what then you tell Essentially That's what the Santa Claus is based on? No, but... What? It's essentially that I gotta fuck someone or I become Santa Yeah, yeah, yeah You have to kill Santa

Or if, or, I guess That doesn't make sense at all I guess that doesn't make sense Deb, can you get in here please? I got some disease And I need that I really don't wanna be Santa forever. Fuck me. No.

No. No. Santa Claus was such a, I remember seeing that movie with my mom, my grandfather after Thanksgiving dinner, 1995. Wow. I'll never forget that. Yeah. Went up to AMC Painters Corral, saying,

what was your best Thanksgiving? Oh, Ethan, we didn't ask what you're grateful for. Ooh, well definitely I'm thankful and grateful for my- For all of the toys that you watch over. Exactly. You know, that- For your best friend, Buzz. Yeah, for your best friend, Buzz,

that you got out of that claw machine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but I would just say, you know, of course, what my glad since the come to John leukemia, you know, that baby with the spider legs didn't kill you. Now, we're going to go over my PTSD of bottle rockets and everything. Oh, what? Nice. He was attached to a bottle rockets. Oh, I was like, you never told me that.

I was like, oh wow. Kind of childhood did you have little. I'm over my PTSD. We were like, oh, okay. Time for an ad read. Sid was taken away by CPS. Yeah. Just about, you know, my life right now, I definitely am thankful for it. You know, I enjoy it. I enjoy the, you know,

the people I have in my life and everything like that. So it's been fun. And I'm thankful to be on this episode. I'm nervous. Yeah. You're doing great, Woody. We have to leave the room for you to come to life. And I'm thankful to be on this episode. I'm nervous. Yeah, you're doing great, Woody. I'm just, yeah. We have to leave the room for you to come to life. Mike has to pull my string in order for me to get a line in. We should, we should write Andy under your feet. That would be really great. Hold them down. Hold them down.

What was your favorite Thanksgiving? I'm, I'm hit with the Thanksgiving memory right now where I had to tell my dad that my uncle Rocco died and then I played football with my cousins. Oh my God. Yeah. Wait, who died? My uncle Rocky. Like my great uncle Rocky. Rocky. And you had to tell my dad. You had to tell your dad. And I remember I was laughing. Uh huh. Because like when I would get nervous I would laugh. I was like, you know, I gotta tell you something, hold on. He was like laughing, thinking it was gonna be funny. I was like, your uncle, he died. Oh my god. That's crazy.

That's so sad. I've always been a lot more of a freak. Why did you have to tell your dad? I don't know, my mom told me to tell him. You don't see anything wrong with that? What, is that weird? Yeah, she's probably burnt out. I'm gonna be a gale apologist.

Yeah, what's so bad about that? I'm just saying, you know, that's, you know, I'm being sick, so I'm gonna tell somebody. Yeah, I'm gonna tell somebody that that's not true. Maybe you can't say that out loud, it's a lot. That their uncle died. How'd your dad react? We laughed, I was laughing, and then we nodded each other. Yeah.

Oh shit. I don't have a favorite Thanksgiving, really. They all kind of blend together. They blend together, and as the years have gone on and more people have died and my family has split up and everything, like Christmas gets worse when you don't have a big enough family. When you have a big family, Thanksgiving, I mean,

is really fucking awesome. It's such a weird holiday, because the best part about it is over in like 10 minutes. Yeah, I eat all my food in like 10 minutes. I know, I just slam everything on a plate. The best part about it for me has always been like being with the family, football's on, we're all eating and stuff,

a big table with a bunch of chairs, but like now it's like me and my mom and my sister and then my uncle and my aunt go to like a restaurant and they get the Thanksgiving platter or something. And I'll get a steak because I have to go to my dad's house the next day and eat Thanksgiving there. So I'm not having two turkeys, you know? So it's I hate Thanksgiving. Really? I don't I don't like it. What a revelation.

Yeah. Although I am going to Thanksgiving Day Parade on Thursday. Really? I don't like it. What a revelation. Yeah. Although I am going to Thanksgiving Day Parade on Thursday. Really? Yeah. With who? My dad. No way. Well, my sister works.

Oh, that'll be fun. You know, she- His people might blockade it, but it might be fun. Don't ruin our parade. Say no to this. Say no to Garfield. That's right. Say no to Garfield.

Well, here comes the fun ruiners. Yeah, say no to Garfield. That's right. Say no to Garfield. Well, here comes the fun ruiners. Say no to this. Snoopy. No Garfield. No. Spongebob. No. No. I can't wait to see what the new the new, you know, cartoons that they're going to have on there. And then Santa comes at the end.

Hmm. He always does. on there and then Santa comes at the end. He always does. Do you use Thanksgiving traditions now that you have a family? No, not really. Really? We do like Thanksgiving with my family, then Deb does Black Friday with her mom. They go to Best Buy and they.

We called it something a little different down in Delaware. But go ahead. different down in Delaware. You know, it's kind of a weird sales suck now. Yeah, no longer like 50 percent. I don't want people here. Eight percent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it used to be a whole fucking thing because people like, well, you guys ruined it.

You can do it by fighting. And he's one of the poor people ruined it by fighting. Yeah. And one day now it's like three weeks. Now it's a whole weekend. Yeah. Plus Cyber Monday. But it's like, yeah, you're getting, I see Black Friday deals now.

I'm getting emails about Black Friday deals going on right now. But there was some kind of disgusting about like making people camp outside of a Best Buy. Right. But yeah, I guess you guys ever do that? We never did that. We did it like once. We went. Yeah.

And we got a TV. The TV that we had. I did that. I did it like once. We went. Yeah, and we got a TV. The TV that we had. I did that. I did it once. But it wasn't like there weren't people trampling over each other. It was kind of nice. You're like, it feels like being in like a school late at night. When did it get really bad?

Like mid 2000s maybe? I remember seeing fights and stuff in like the late 90s. Yeah. I think. And then it kind of went away and then it came back. There's supposed to be like. When flat screens became big, that's when it became like Bedlam.

Isn't it weird? I remember the old boxy TV that you had to go up and turn on was such a thing. And then having a big screen TV was almost like it took up half the house and they were like $5,000. And now everybody has a nice TV Yeah, it makes you feel like nothing is sacred anymore. Yeah I don't know if you like yeah, but I feel like we all shouldn't have nice TVs

We should still some people some some people who are poor don't deserve Nice thing and you appreciate it. Come on So then that way when you're older you get a nice thing and you appreciate it. Come on Ian. What? If they can make them for that. I don't know. I did just get a TV for like $130. Yeah? That I put in my bedroom. Oh wow.

That was pretty cool. How big? Yeah, it was a nice surprise. 40 inches. Wow. Yeah, nice surprise to my wife Best Buy. Dude, I gotta get a new one. My TV in my living room keeps breaking. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it was. I got like a 60 inch for room keeps breaking. Really? Yeah.

I got like a 60 inch for like $600. What? Yeah. Oh, a 60 inch. Yeah, like it's pretty big, yeah. Did someone give it to you or did you buy it? It was pretty cool. My wife came home and she was like,

oh my God, cause I mounted it on the wall. Oh no way. Oh, that's cool. She was like, oh my God. Yeah. That's cool. I'm like, that's right. Yeah. That's right, baby.

I'm still not going to fuck you, but I'm glad you did it. Well, maybe if it gets me a little closer. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get rid of all candy corn. You don't have to do that. I don't know why I said that. Yeah.

My friend went to Black Friday one year and he said he like, he was like sleeping in a chair. He's like waiting outside the Best Buy and then he said his dad like kicked him awake and his dad was like LJ Wake up. We might have to fight because his dad was like playing poker with a guy and like Woke him up and was like, yeah, we might have to fight this guy. See that's fun though Like camping out creating a little pirate world. Yeah, there's no culture anymore Yeah, I did that I camped out for Red Sox tickets in 2004. Well, when they, when, uh, they ended up beating the Anaheim angels and the NLDS or whatever.

Now, why, now why was black Friday a thing and why did they stop making it a thing? It's still like, it's still a thing. It's still a thing, but it's not the hype around it. Is it called Black Friday because that's when all the companies are like, do real well. So they're in the black and they're not in the red. Does that have anything to do with it? I think so, actually. Yeah. I actually think you're right about that. I think it has something to do with their sales and that they're like, and now we can do deals. Yeah, because it originally was called Latino Friday. But I wanted that until Mike, what did that?

Yeah, I'm just doing it. I'm just doing a sagalow. I'm just confident. Capital, I call my mama whore. Yeah, they're nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a place that I like the best part of Thanksgiving dinner was afterwards we'd have all the magazines and stuff and then you would go and circle what you want and all that kind of stuff.

Oh, that's so like... So you and a family. Yeah. Were you guys all wearing pajamas, matching pajamas? Yeah, we were. I love you. It's not cold anymore so you don't get to wear your cozy pajamas and watch TV. It's like cold anymore. So you can't you don't get to wear your like cozy pajamas and watch now. It's like My mom got in a car accident on this place called Monkey Hill what is with your family

Is it was it called It was on Monkey Hill, you know, it was in the city. And I don't know, because there was, there was a, it was by the Branding Wine Zoo. It was on Monkey Hill, you know, 33rd Street. It was by the Branding Wine Zoo and the monkey enclosure was right at the top, so they called it Monkey Hill. Ian, it's called public housing. It's called Queensborough. So my mom got in an accident and I go, I had to go to my aunt Tiny's house and She lived upstairs of my aunt's sisters who was married to uncle Rocky who died This is the year before he died and I hung out at my aunt Tiny's and she gave me pie and she let me watch

Roseanne and I wasn't allowed and then when they found out I watched Roseanne somehow I got in trouble My aunt had a didn't like us watching Roseanne. What was the problem with Roseanne? Cause you watch Roseanne now, it's just like a family. I have a visceral reaction to Roseanne cause it reminds me too much of like what my house and like childhood looked like. Yeah. It's like, Oh God. And then you watch Roseanne and she's like, I don't like working at the factory.

My aunt's like, turn this off. Turn off this beast. Turn off this disgusting, loud off this disgusting loud beast. It's tough working and having a family. Oh, shut her up. Right. I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons or MTV or Roseanne.

I wasn't allowed to watch Rugrats. Really? What the fuck? What the fuck? So that would make me want to be a bad kid. A bad baby? I guess. Really? Rugrats? That's crazy, dude. Fuck this would make me want to be a bad kid a bad baby. I guess really That's crazy dude

Why is he just wearing a diaper I grew up in a very like religious household What were you allowed to watch 700 club G tales man a real thing? Oh yeah, he was like, he was like, had a light saber. Just like 17 year old Ethan. He's like, turn off Rugrats. I got a show for you. It's called Veggie Tale.

Bible man had a light saber. Bible man. Yeah, like a helmet, like the chest plate of like, righteousness, the sordid truth. Whoa. The helmet of justice. The penis of forgiveness. Shield of faith, I think. Do you want to go to heaven, my son?

Yeah, and then like the villain was like almost like a Joker-esque type character. He's kind of scary. Yeah. Oh my god. My favorite thing to watch. He was a bisexual. Yeah. A lot of good childhood, Ethan.

Your parents' worst dreams are coming true. Honestly, yes. Is that like your third cigarette? I'm not judging you or anything. I know you don't like it. Yeah, what the fuck you meant? No, I'm just saying, because if I have more than one cigarette,

I'll be coughing for like a week. See, if I don't have a certain amount, I'm just saying cuz if I have more than one cigarette I'll be I'll be coughing for a week if I don't have a certain amount I get sick It is it is a lot of fun just Just puff on one smoking indoors. Let me just get nothing is bad. You won't want right now. I'm good I'm good. Let me just get mouth cancer. I won't inhale What are you Bill Clinton? Come on? Yeah, I can do it I wish I had a blunt though smoke a blunt I do I don't want that near me. Oh

Yeah, I know Yes Lucky for you and your sobriety you get to tell me I can't smoke my Goody good, but you have to smoke your thing. Put your peace pipe down. And today, yeah, why are you telling me that I can't take my peace pipe out? Because my peace pipe is a real peace pipe tobacco. That's what my people.

Put in the peace pipe. I don't know. I think they were putting some of that. They were putting some fucking hemp, dude, some of that devil's lettuce in there. I don't know, but that's why I smoked to elongate my people's line of. How do you think they came up with two spirit? Come on. Yeah, yeah, that's a high thing. Yeah. What am I the healthiest person on this show? Oh, my God.

Ethan's a doll. I'm dying of cancer. This guy, I mean, look at him. And then you. We mean, look at him. He looks powerful. He does. No, you look great. He looks like the he looks like the boss of something. Yes, I actually am losing weight. I I finally, finally started getting out of this depression hole that I've been in.

And I'm like, it is nice starting to like what did that look like for you? The depression hole. Oh, dude, I'm just checking comments, I'm sitting on my couch all day, not showering, barely writing, trying to write. You can babysit my kid if you want. Oh no, that would be. What kind of a sick man hears that and goes babysit my kid?

You can watch my kid in my mind. I'm unshowered, I'm unbaked, I'm stinky, I'm negative, I'm depressed,. I'm on Bay. I'm negative. I'm depressed. Be around my child. If you and Deb want to go on a date, I'll watch a little Benjamin. Really? Yeah. I mean, once.

Don't make it a thing. I watch Benjamin. You would like it. Really? Yeah. All right. Let's watch it. I'm afraid to watch babies.

Right. Keep an eye on each other. Yeah. Hello. All babies do. They, keep an eye on each other. Yeah. Benjamin, hello! All babies do, they're just walking around the entire time trying to kill themselves. He's not a baby, he's three and a half, he's talking. He's like an adult baby.

He's like this big. Yeah. I just don't need another thing in my house that wants to kill themselves. I'm already enough. He doesn't want to kill himself. Children, all they want to do is just kill themselves. No, no. What? Yes, they do.

No, no, no. They're running his thirst in the walls. They don't want to kill themselves. They're at the risk of getting into an accident where they may die. They're not on a suicide mission. I can't take the world. You'll watch them. You'll feel like your shitty life

has purpose because you're saving him from danger. True, him you'll feel like your shitty life has purpose because you're saving him from danger true true Feel like a super like Bible man. Yeah, Ethan's favorite So you were you know what I'm sure you would have people that probably listen to your podcast Yeah, no I mean I I have a lot of stuff that to be grateful for and all that shit and I'm like again Yeah, my life is life is sick right now, but I get it It's it just so easy to get into that hole.

Yeah, like something happens with the chemical, whatever, shitting my brain. It just happens. It gets stuck in it for a while. The sun's setting at like 430. How long do you get stuck? Yeah. How long do you get stuck in the hole?

It can go from like a couple of days to like a month. A month? Yeah, of just being like, god. And what, you just don't want to leave your house? Well, you know, you don't want to leave your house. Nothing is really satisfying. You know what I mean? You can't really think of any material either.

Have you considered Islam? Yes. Maybe you should come to a protest with me. It's good to be. Boo, Garfield boo. I kind of like this, Mike. Yeah, you know what? I like this.

This feels like I have purpose. Mr. Adams, tear down this balloon. I'm there with you, man. It happens. It is what it is. Things and then, you know, getting out of it is so tough, but you feel so good. Also, eating breakfast helped me lose weight. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'll eat like a I'll eat like a kind of a nice breakfast. And then so the answer to your depression is eating, eating, eating at a different time.

Yeah. Because I was waiting until like four o'clock to eat. Right. And then I would get I would eat and I'd eat a big thing because I'm hungry all day. And then I would eat. Are you getting enough protein? Yeah. I eat a ton of meat. Actually, it's probably, it's a problem. Yeah. I probably have too much protein. Shit, what are you getting your phone out for?

Or is this check? Start getting vulnerable? We start getting on our phones? No, I was checking the time. If you got a dog or a cat, would that help? I have a cat. You need to get another cat. Oh, I want a cat.

I want another one. You do gotta get it. Dude, I'm telling you, having Glenn. What if you got like an ant farm? It is. Eddie, are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK?

Having another cat in the house has brightened me up so much. Not that me and Samson were like, well. Now you're down to eight cigarettes a minute. We were kind of depressed together, just laying around a lot. But this new cat has injected life into the apartment and keeps us young and moving around. And it's really fucking tough.

I'm right there with you, man. It's so fucking hard. Yeah, because I don't really get depressed anymore because I'm just, I'm so busy. Yeah, you don't really have time. But those are the choices that you had. You either be busy or depressed. Yeah, but I think that's why everyone's like,

we're more depressed now than ever. It's like, yeah, because nobody has fucking families anymore. You have purpose. You're too busy to be like, God, I'm not doing what I should be doing, you know? Like, you just go, go, go, go, go. You're doing the thing that we should all be doing. Like, you're doing, you're living, like, the best form

of the life that we are all supposed to be living. Yeah. This dress as a pilgrim. Yeah. Wearing a nice little soft pilgrim hat. You have a family, you have a child, you have purpose. Yeah. It's still like, there's still like a lot of pressure though. You know? Of course. There's like a ton of pressure to like produce. Yeah. I think it comes out of nowhere, you know, because I'm still working. Like I still do stuff.

Are you on medication? Nah, I'm not touching that shit. Like I still do stuff during the day. Now, I'm not touching that. She's on my brain to figure out. You worry about money? Yeah. I mean, not even I'm like, I'm pretty good on money right now. I just I don't know. You know, it's it just comes, you know, just happens. One soda weekend that can carry you through the.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I I have been thinking about not being on my meds. Okay, this is always a good conversation. Here's the thing that's fucked up about medication is because when you start to have this conversation, people worry and go, oh my God, oh my God. But it's a thing of like being on such a high dosage of medication for so long, it can like level you out.

And so like the goal is to taper down. You're not just not taking PrEP, right? No, I mean, I still want to get jizzed in. I don't. I have one to do. Gail, it's just a joke. But I, you know, being on a ton of medication, it's like, I would like to not be on as much, but I found what works for me. So I don't want to rock the boat. But it's that thing of like, I would like to not be on as much, but I found what works for me. So I don't want to rock the boat,

but it's that thing of like, you know, I've been on medication on and off my whole life. And as a kid, I was told like, you won't have to be on medication when you're an adult. Like you'll grow out of this or you'll be able to this at the other. And so now it's like, I just don't want to risk it, but I would like to live a life

where I'm not having to be on medication every day. But it's like, dude, I still get these massive depressive spells. It's like, if I'm feeling that way on medication, being that way off medication would be a fucking nightmare. You know? You can call me when you're depressed, we can hang out or something.

I appreciate that, that you offered that to me and not Brendan. I would love to see like a bunch of Indians. Brendan lives in Queens. It's kind of a hike. Dude, you know what would be fun? And I did this with a friend and his girlfriend. We had culture enrichment Fridays

and we would go to museums and stuff, but we stopped because he got busy. But it would be fun during the week if we all like went to a museum or we all went to like a movie. or if we all did like a thing. Friday is a good day for that. I'm on the road. Oh yeah. It's like and that's I'm I can like do Tuesday. Well Ethan if you want to go to the museum with me on Friday. Wouldn't that be fun? Yeah I love museums. To do shit like that. Yeah yeah yeah. Dude I took myself to a movie the other

night. I would love to go ice skating. What movie did you see? Dude, I saw the Harley Flanagan. I never learned how to skate. I went by myself. It was so fun. I've been intentionally getting up, going on the train and doing the shit I would usually do in Brooklyn in Manhattan just to get me up and moving and somewhere else. The change of scenery is like nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. It'd be really fun to go to like a museum or something, you know? Yeah, I think that would be fun. Yeah. I just went to the Natural History Museum without me.

Yeah, a couple of weeks ago was awesome. Yeah. Dude, I teared up the last time I was there because I was reading about the elephant seal and they like, oh no, what happened to that guy? But I guess they were hunted for their blubber or whatever, you know, so they like almost became extinct. And then whales too, like, like in the 1800s, everything was powered by whale oil. Really? Yeah. Hmm.

I guess fracking's not so bad now, huh? I guess not. Yeah. But it just just goes to show you like history is so brutal, you know, yeah Like oh we got to keep the lamps on so let's harpoon a bunch of whales, right? You got to keep the lamps on you got to keep them Yeah, it's so brutal until you could find a different thing like different source. We are so Lucky to be living in this timeline right now in this part of the world and time in which we exist

Yeah, it's still kind of bad. It's more bad than ever. Everything's bad. It's always going to be bad, but it's a pretty good time to be in the bad right now as compared to other times. Why? Because we have a podcast. I mean, no joke, this is this is the best timeline for guys like right?

Yeah, if there were no podcast I'd be delivery three of us would be in a rough rough. Yeah, dude I'd be delivering pizzas like Imagine imagine it's the year 2017 and there's no there's no such thing as a podcast I'd have to leave the business. I mean Imagine it's it's a couple years ago. What have to leave the business. I mean, imagine it's a couple of years ago. What are you talking about? I'm just saying, like, 2017. Thank God for thank God for podcasting. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Different ways to make money and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, thank God for Instagram. Back in the day, if you were a comic, you just waited to be plucked out of the claw machine. Yeah. Right. Like, I think that's what we all Like that's kind of what I thought was gonna happen when I started in 2011. I was like, okay I'll just do this and then one day so well, that's kind of the yeah that we're gonna make you a star Well, that's kind of like yeah, that's kind of like the feeling that I think every comic comes into this No, not one comic. I don't think starts and is like I gotta make my own way, no one's gonna do it for me, I gotta do my own thing, blah blah blah.

Everybody spends a decade thinking they're gonna get fucking plucked out and saved. Well now it's more in our hands now more than ever of like you can make your own path, which is in a fucked up way it's like almost, cause before it was dude we have YouTube, we have podcasting, we don't need people in suits saying yes or no, we can make it ourselves. But now the guy in the suit is a fucking faceless algorithm that then punishes us. And there's no way to appeal to get through. Yeah. And I'm like, all I did was say one AOC, now I gotta be punished for that. Yeah. Now we get demonetized. Yeah.

And why are you demonetizing Brandon? I'm the one who said it. Yeah. Get him. Yeah. And why are you demonetizing Brandon? I'm the one who said it. Yeah. Get him. Yeah. Don't get us. Don't get we were monetized in the last episode. God damn it. How great does that feel seeing that little green? That green. Oh, my God. And then the question for you guys.

And you're like, what the fuck did we do? I had a question. Trump's going to be president in a couple of months. Do you think cancel culture is coming back? Because it was real cancel culture., do you think cancel culture is coming back? Hmm. Huh? Cause it was real cancel culture. What do you mean? For those four years that he was in office, cancel culture. There was people trying to get people trying to cancel people.

I think people were tired. All that. Yeah. I think, I mean, I'm sitting in a fucking dress like a native American. You know, better not come back. But is it gonna, is it gonna, no, no, no, but it's been out of the, it's been, it's been, ow, I just fucked up my elbow. It's been out of the, you know, consciousness.

Wait, what, you mean for like saying a bad thing or whatever? Yeah, I wonder if it's coming back. I think people are over it. People are over it, they're sick of it. People don't care, people don't wanna be told what to say, think, or feel anymore, and good on them. Nobody should be, you should People don't care. People don't want to be told what to say, think or feel anymore. And good on them. Nobody should be. You should be able to, if you don't like something, you should be able to fucking turn it off.

It's also wack as fuck. I know. I'm just, if you're like a comic and you're complaining about it, you know what I mean? I'm just worried it might come back. You think? I think it's a possibility. Well, everything comes back. I'd say don't fucking pay attention to it. The stuff I said about AOC was not even me.

I was just trying to impress these. Well, she does have nice titty ears. I was just trying to impress these Republicans over here. You know, people always talk about AOC's tits. Nobody's talking about a pussy. I bet that's a... Doesn't feel good, does it? A green New Deal.

What don't they talk? I want to give AOC an STD. Know what I'm saying? I want to AOC dumb titties. Yeah, I want to... Well, I guess that's the end of the episode. Yeah. That was a wonderful way to fuck it up.

So fellas, did they cancel culture? I want to fuck AOC. It really is like that. It's like it might be, but until then. Yeah. Let's get the kicks before the shit helps. It's really about it. Sometimes they go like,

by the way, he said this when he was 38 years old. Right. Right. This wasn't something he said when he was in high school. He's a man with a child and a family. I'm sorry. No, it's app. All right. Well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

You know what I was thinking about? Let's hear it. I keep imagining like the reimagined version of how the Grinch stole Christmas, but he's got like a really toxic Latina girlfriend that's like making him do it. What? So it's like it's just a it's just like a, you know, a retelling of the story. He's like, I don't want to choose like gifts. She's like, but I need to go take them. You broke as. Yeah.

So go down there. Christmas. Go steal me some Christmas. You go steal me some Christmas. Go steal me some Christmas, you. Go steal me some Christmas. Go down there to K-Ville. Yeah. And you take those presents. Get them from me. You never buy me anything.

You never buy me nothing. Take the dog. Yeah, get that dog out of here. I'm sneezing. I'm sneezing, baby. OK, I love you. I love you so much. I love you so much.

You're my everything. I'll go steal Christmas. I love you so much. You're my everything. I'll go steal Christmas Yes, Wanda You don't love me if you don't steal Christmas My girlfriend made me do it My girlfriend's making me do this. She's, I'm feisty. She's very hot.

I'm trying to impress her Latino family. Hey man. Hey, that's the gringo. Hey, Joker, I heard you stole Christmas. Oh, he's doing no fucker, right? Yo, you got me an air fryer? Oh, shit, that's the green show that stole Christmas, man. Oh, man.

Yo, I love... You're not afraid of getting locked up or nothing. Yo, I like my new microwave, homes. Yeah. Thanks for the jack in the box, dog. Thanks for the slinky, dog. These are some nice tires. All right. What do you want her to put eyes on?

Like, what's that? What your plugs? Oh, my plugs. I got a podcast called Out for Smokes, new and improved. So go check it out. And I got a special on YouTube called I'm Normal. And I have some dates coming up. I got Schenectady. I got Detroit. I got St. Petersburg.

What's the town that's next to Tampa? St. Petersburg. St. Petersburg. And Minneapolis, tickets at micro scene comedy dot com. There it is. How about you, Brendy? I have a special out right now called Thin Lips on my YouTube, also check out Say Daddy to Pod.

Yes, patreon dot com slash B and E and Pod for all your bonus and wonderful desires. And check out the new Anthony Jeselnik podcast on Netflix. It's really dark and edgy. I like Anthony. I think I like that he's got these opinions, you know, even if you disagree with him a little bit. OK, he's calling everybody a Nazi, but I know I do. Really, I like somebody with his passion. He's calling everybody a Nazi, but I know I do like

somebody with his passion. It's really ballsy what he's doing. Anyway. You know what else takes balls? Buy and take it to see me live. EInviteAnswer.com for all my dates. Punchup.com. Live slash EInviteAnswer. Join the mailing list. I'm coming to Denver, Baltimore, Los Angeles, Rhode Island. Come on out. And I got a whole bunch of dates up until April, 2025. EFIDANCE.COM for all that. Wild, happy and free is a special right here on the YouTube page. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates.

Come out, go out, see her, send her love and check out her Death Chunk special and RIP Jordan Jensen and come and see us next week. We love you. Bye.