Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep124: The GGB W/ Adrienne Iapalucci

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and cut your wireless bill to $15/month with Mint Mobile. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/SKA Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Adrienne Iapalucci : https://www.instagram.com/adrienneiapalucci/  https://www.adrienneiapalucci.com https://punchup.live/adrienneiapalucci WATCH THE DARK QUEEN HERE : https://www.netflix.com/title/81900915 Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!

Hey everybody we sold out the live podcast December 30th at Comedy Connection Providence Rhode Island but guess what the next night December 31st my 40th birthday there's two stand-up shows with me and a very special guest that is someone you love on the podcast and they have a gig in the area a couple months later so they can't announce their name on this show that is doing stand up with the both of us on December 31st two shows but they are very special. You don't know who it is. So if you didn't get tickets to the live pod, come December 31st, two shows, Comedy Connection, Providence, Rhode Island. My 40th birthday, December 31st,

ringing the new year with me and this special guest and another little guy, Ethan, he'll be there too. It's gonna be fun, get tickets, punchup.live slash Ian Fydans. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. And shout out CMI. We'll see you there. Bye.

Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan!

What do you care? I feel uncomfortable in those situations. Not if I'm there. Well, if you're there, I feel better. We can bring a game. Ha ha ha! We can play Heads Up. Should we play Heads Up today?

Do you know what Heads Up is? No, I don't know what Heads Up is. What is it? It's our favorite game. Did you guys make it up yourselves? No. Oh, okay. It's a phone game. I have a little bit of an addiction to it.

You put a thing on your head and it says it's like charades basically. We'll play it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to a brand new episode of being here with Jordan. Oh, that's all right. That's right. Mom and dad are back. Shout out R and D tattoo for the hoodie. Shout out bad luck 13 ride extravaganza Delaware. What's up 302 through and through. We have a great guest today. I'm so happy she's here. She's the Bronx bombshell, the purple. Nerple. Nerple. You're very, you're very matching today.

Yeah. Shoes, shirt, hair. I'm in my Hispanic era. I went back to the nineties. Well, what we would like to do is can you send us those pictures of you in the early nineties in the Bronx? You were the hottest Puerto Rican. Did you have really skinny eyebrows? Dude. No, I didn't, but I look very Puerto Rican.

Adrienne Appaloochie, everybody, check out the special, The Dark Queen. Yeah. Netflix. And. I am kind of Puerto Rican. Are you really? No, but kind of.

You have a bit. I've lived in the Bronx my whole life. That's so funny where you say Puerto Rican, right? I don't know, I said like I used to be Puerto Rican. Oh, you said we were all Puerto Rican. Yeah, it was the 90s. Yeah. Yeah, and you nailed it.

That was a fun time. I want to go back there so bad. Dude, what was it? Take us through it. Such a good, first of all, 1994, OJ Simpson is shot Nicole. Or was it 93? Stabbed. 94.

June. Oh, okay. Sorry. He should have. I was just getting over the loss of my own father, but continue. Just kidding. I never got over it. How is your how is your dad had to get killed? We're not talking about it anyway. Go ahead. Oh, why'd you forget? He doesn't talk about it. Oh, OK. His mom listens to the podcast. Oh, OK.

She doesn't know yet. No, it's I it's not OK. I don't like to get into it. Yeah, OK. I didn't know that because you talk about everything so openly. So that's why I don't like to get into it. Okay, I didn't know that, because you talk about everything so openly, so that's why I didn't know. Okay, sorry.

We all have some things we keep private. Yeah, I get it. RIP. You're the one who made the family stuff. You're the one who made the joke, and then said we don't talk about it. It's like me being like, well, I had sex last night and got chlamydia,

but we're not discussing that. You know what I mean? You don't want to know. Well, also that's impossible. You can't tell that you got chlamydia the night you have sex. I think you could probably get a tinge now. No, it has to get your bloodstream for a while.

My friend went down on a prostitute, which is like... That's crazy. He was on crack though, but that's like next level. I used to do that sober. Yeah, but he was like fucking her without like a condom or something the next day he went to his doctor. And he was like, give me everything. And he just loaded him up with drugs.

Oh, yeah. You get like a horse pill the size of that cigarette, like a moxicillin. When you go where? I think when you have sex with the prostitute or when you go to the. Plug them up, they just. I think they just give you a ton of stuff to like kill it. The worst I got was called molluscum contagiosum. I got that. It's itchy bumps and. Molluscum. Mlluscum, contagious.

And it's just so bad skin to skin contact. They're like little pimples. And how did you do? Did you freeze or burn wildly contagious? So like if you touch it and then scratch your armpit, you'll get it in your armpit. Which is what happened to me. It's a skin to skin. It doesn't have to be a CD, though. We kids get it all the time. Right.

From passing it to each other. But I got it from a man. And let's make an announcement STD though. We kids get it all the time. Right. From passing it to each other. But I got it from a man. And let's make an announcement that that is not how we got it. Did you kids, did you freeze it off? Uh huh. The guy, dude. Wait, it doesn't go away. You have to like. I burned it off. It felt so good. By yourself or with the doctor? Doctor. But she accidentally dumped a little too much of the acid and there's a scar above my clitoris. I had it on the side of my asshole because it was all in the- Yeah, you scratched it. Here and then I wiped my ass and I had to lean over a table

and the guy had to spray my- Yeah. And freeze it off. I've never heard of this nitricin. You mean like this? Witness me. I've never heard of that disease before. It's really rare among adults.

It's really common. Kids get it a lot. Like if you had kids, I bet you'd be like, oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. I've never heard of it before. Yeah It's really rare among adults. It's really common. And kids get it a lot. Like if you had kids, I bet you'd be like, oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. I've never heard of it before. Yeah, it's from skin to skin contact. So if you wear a condom, you can still get it. Right, okay.

And it lays dormant. So then you have to freeze it off and just have no contact for a very long time. And then it goes away. Wow. Scary, huh? The human body is incredible. What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to your body?

I mean, I had huge tits as an infant. What? I like a mini rack. I have a picture of me as a baby and there's like little tits. I think that's pretty weird. Did you get like baby's first bra or something? My mom always was like trying to get me into a bra like early on. No. Yeah.

So you could have been a Puerto Rican John Ben like early on. Nuh-uh. Yeah. So you could have been a Puerto Rican John Benet Ramsey. I could have been her. They should have put you on the stage. Let them man her. Yeah. My mom didn't love me enough to kill me. So I'm saying on, when I go on stage, I've been like, I'm watching that documentary about

that super hot supermodel that got murdered, John Benet Ramsey. And people are like, oh, and then I hump a table. Ooh, you hump the table? I do, yeah. I love that. It doesn't make you a pedophile to jerk off to what you would think she would look like today while staring at the pictures of her yesterday. Right.

Yesterday, she was dead. See? What are you making noises about? Somebody has a big nose. She's allowed to say that's hot, supermine, and then I make a joke and it's woo Yeah as adults yeah as mid teens no 23 is a teenager I am No, I have in the past and she won't fucking let it go

Guys are like do you think it's weird for me to fuck a 20 something year old? I'm like, you wouldn't say that about a 30 year old, so yes. I definitely think it's weird to fuck someone in their 30s. What, do you want to fuck a bag of bones? I don't think so, you old hag. Anyway. Listen. Huh? Things start to separate, sure.

Do you hear that? Comes bones and then skin. Do you hear that? Yeah. That's the sound of your eggs drying up. Anyway. There are no eggs. I've had so many loads blown in there. There's never been an egg. They've just built up a wall Yeah, finally someone to build on the wall little tiny toothpaste

Just found out that the wall that comes down if you have sex with a woman who was previously raped Oftentimes your penis will not be able to enter her. Why? Because it closes down. It's a fortress. No. That's not true. Yep, 100% true.

From a million rape victims, and then I finally asked a forensic nurse, I was like, is that real? And she goes, yeah, it's called vaginismus. And I was laughing so hard. Merry vaginismus. I was laughing so hard about a man being like, okay, what it ain't, it ain't good like Christmas.

It's vaginismus. On the first day of vaginismus, my true love gave to me. If you get raped, it ain't good like Christmas. It's mad Christmas. It's mad Christmas. On the first day of Agile Hits, Miss My True Love gave to me. If you get raised, it is your fault then, cause you could stop it. You could have stopped it, exactly. Exactly. You could have shut down the walls. Woof.

I know. You wanted it. Bring it down the walls. Shout out, Etha, today. Feel good about that? Yeah, not really. Bring that dog over here. Coyote, come.

Wait, hold on, let's get back to this. Okay. Come on. Is that real? Is what Um, Coyote, come. Wait, hold on, let's get back to this. Okay. Come on. Is that real? Get her. Is what real? Get her. The wall thing?

Get her. I feel like it's not real. Come here. Hi, come here. I don't have anything for you. I don't have anything. She's probably starving. She hasn't been home in hours.

Like what? She hasn't been home in hours. She's probably starving to death. Oh, okay. What can I give her to eat? This? Nothing. No, she's already eaten half the shofar.

Out of control. And she's eaten half the rat, the dead one. Yeah, she did bite the rat's head. So you put out a special on Netflix. Can we talk about the rape thing first and go back to that? The rape wall, vaginismus, dismiss this dick, miss. Vaginismus.

I feel like that's not true. That's not true. How come it doesn't stop it when it's happening? It's like we got to let one through. It's a trauma response. It's a Monday morning quarterbacking all in our situation. It's a trauma response that happens

where it's like. Also, you can force your dick past the wall. Well, you're. Yeah, that's what rape is. Yeah, but then you're saying you could. The wall comes down. The wall like, OK, say you're getting mean, isn't that definition? Yeah, that's what rape is Yeah, then you're saying you could the wall comes down the wall like okay say say you're getting raped You're probably gonna get And then I'm more of a moat man and then the wall and then the how and then the

Dick will not go it'll be hard to force it through, and then it'll force through. But if you're having sex with a man who's not willing to force their penis through, they will feel like a stopgap. No, that's just if they're not wet enough. No, look it up, it's called vaginismus. He's looking it up.

Someone lied to you to make you sound like an idiot. You haven't ever had sex with a woman who used to have, no dude, I know about this, my sister has a rape wall. I've had sex with women that have been sexually assaulted. My sister has a rape wall, and she had to use literally She'd have to crank it open like she was having a trans vagina the drawers of life like Vaginitis vaginitis I said that you missed miss. I thought it was vaginismus

Nidus is probably a stinky disease. Yeah, bacterial vaginosis. Yeah. Little baby. That's another way to get raped to stop eating. Yeah. Vaginitis, how do you spell that? Rush of Tifers down there. You said it. Hey, is this a real thing?

I feel like it's not. All right, so it's vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition in which involuntary muscle spasms interfere with vaginal intercourse or other penetration of the vagina. This often results in pain with attempts at sex. Often it begins when vaginal intercourse is first attempted. Is that when a woman has a low pelvic floor? Because some women have to go to a pelvic floor doctor. And get it lifted? They need a lift?

And get their vagina stretched because their pelvic floor is low because they were arred at a young age. This is vaginismus may be considered an older term for pelvic floor dysfunction. I just said that you didn't say the pelvic floor thing. I gotta be honest I didn't know that at all. I did because I'm a woman and I've raped a lot Much unlike Christmas it is not a season of joy You have a dog I do do, Peggy Sue Rodriguez. Oh, that's so cute.

Her last name's Rodriguez? Yeah. That's odd, why is that? Because she's spicy. She's also Puerto Rican. Really? Mm-hmm. Do you have a thing where you grew up around Puerto Ricans

you wish you were a Puerto Rican? No, that was just how we all dressed in the 90s. Mm-hmm. Like you either were like goth, into hip hop. I was goth. Or I guess- Punk rocker. Punk rocker, yeah. Dressed like a regular guy.

So those were the three things. Those were the three things. Low rise or UFO pants or baggy south paw or whatever those were called. South pole. South what? South pole, yeah. South pole. Anichi.

What? Anichi. Etnis. You didn't hang out with any blacks. That's not how you say that. What? Anichi. Uh. Etnis. You didn't hang out with any blacks. That's not how you say that. What is it? Anichi. No, etnis is a skate shoe.

Oh, wow. That's so crazy. You're so the Bronx. What is it? Let me teach you. It's a black brand of clothes. Anichi is like a winter brand. Like state property.

Black people also wear it. Yeah. But I remember, remember, what's the one that was at Kmart box? Boo Boo. No, that was Joe Boxer. Joe Boxer. Bullhead. You ever wear bullhead from PacSun?

No. Those used to be my old jeans. Bullcom. This is something I know nothing about. What else we got? Billabong. Billabong. Maraschiamo.

Massimo. Massimo. was targets that's John search shop That's just yeah, that's just you I think I went to run John sure surf shop I used to have a boogie board with a sticker that said no fear The guy's are here. Huh? When did you? Did you start banging dudes? No, when did you start banging dudes? When did you start, you fucking virgin? I was like 18. Really?

Yeah, I was pretty old. I was 14. Were you blood in, blood out with the Puerto Rican gang? And then I just wiped it on my head. That's my initiation, just like it. I didn't fuck a guy until. Did you want to for a long time? I didn't fuck a guy until. Did you want to for a long time? I didn't fuck a guy until I was like 22.

I know, thank you. Do you know how many people she curls up on and they have no response? Zero response. Well, that's what Peg does too. Yeah, the snuggle dog? Yeah. Just how many people we have on the podcast

that she's so cute and they have zero response to her? Look at her tail going. That's like a serial killer. If you don't respond to animals, you're a serial killer. I would love, oh. She's so long. She has to be like Corgi, right? She's long dog.

She's Jack Russell cattle. And then a million other things. Rat terrier. Oh, your breath smells a little. No. Yes. Only because she was touching your cat stuff. No, I think you were licking mommy's underwear again. They love that. That's good for them. It's actually think you were licking mommy's underwear again. They love that.

It's good for them. It's actually not OK how much she's destroying my underwear. Full destroy. Like, where are your underwear that she's getting to them now? I have a hamper that's on the ground. That does seem like it's your fault. I got a ground hamper.

It was a ground hamper. You just roll it in like a bowling ball. That's her way of saying she just leaves her clothes on the floor. It's a ground hamper. Put it in the ground bowling ball. That's her way of saying she just leaves her clothes on the floor. It's a ground hamper. Put it in the ground hamper. It's the floor. It's a hardwood floor. I get her away because I just want to like... You're on a fucking killer.

I know they're so cute. What did you do for Thanksgiving? Me and my mom went to a steakhouse. Oh my god I did the same thing. Me and my mom went to a steakhouse. Holy shit. White trash. Did you me and my mom. Just me and my mom. Yes. Wow. Yeah, I'm trash. Did you take a picture holding up the prime rib? No, I just take a picture by myself. Everybody ordered the turkey plate, like my sister,

my mom, and I got a steak. I got a steak. I was like, I'm not doing this. Why would I eat turkey at a steak place? It's crazy. That's disgusting. Well, they had like a special. I know, but you still don't get that. I know. It's disgusting. They had cranberry sauce and a ramekin. Disgusting. Look at that thing. Yeah. Whoa. Raw. No cooking to that. That was zero cooking. Can you show me that again? Oh my God. She's lost so much weight. I know, dude. She looks great. Ozempic? No. She's getting railed. What is the matter with you? She looks amazing. No, she's got, it's like an Ozempic offshoot. Okay.

Like me. I think that might be too raw. It doesn't look like they even. No, it's medium rare. Let me find the picture of the beef. Coyote farted. Tell me what that is. Oh my God, that's not even cooked.

Wait, can we show that? That looks like foreskin. That's a medium rare prime rib. No. Shout out Harris Savoy Grilled, Namans Road, Wilmington, Delaware. That is not cooked at all. Did you cut it down the middle of it? No, it's a prime rib, man.

Wait, that's not a fucking rib I cut. That's a prime rib. What's that mean? Why does it look like dick? Prime rib beef. Why does it look like spam? Because it was... Did any amount of it touch a grill?

Yes. What part's show me the part roasted have you two never had a roast prime rib before no that's not a fucking uh ribeye or a t-bone or a new york strip that's a prime rib it's a different cut and it's roasted it's not It's a different cut and it's roasted. It's not fire cooked. Am I boring you, Adrian? Let's bring it back to fun time. Women's buttholes get tight when you rape. Oh.

My new house has a fireplace. It works. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's very cool. I bought a tiny brick house up in the woods. Where? Up up upstate. Up up upstate. Oh, nice. Five hours upstate. Deep. And it has a upstate. Oh, nice. Five hours upstate.

Deep. And it has a wood stove. And it's from the 1850s. Bricks. It's amazing. That is pretty cool. It's crazy. I would love to have a fireplace.

It's so cute. And I'm remodeling the whole thing. Me and my mom are doing it. And I'm excited about it. It was very cheap. Because my sister's really sweet. That's very cool that you could work on your own stuff because you know how to do all that.

It's awesome. It's very helpful. Like my mom was like, what do I do? Because there's very cool that you could work on your own stuff because you know how to do all that. It's awesome It's very helpful Like my mom was like what do I do because there's like exposed posts and I was like just leave them because I have an idea For how to spackle them. That's amazing. I said I don't that is amazing. Hey, you just gotta get a portico I'm gonna put this back all half on to the I'll show you the way I would do that is I would Start dating a Puerto Rican and ask him to do it. Yeah, I'll be my shortcut That's all I did really a lot. Yeah, are you dating a guy Rican and ask him to do it. That would be my shortcut. You should date a Puerto Rican. That's all I date. Really? A lot, yeah.

Are you dating a guy now? I don't think so. Cause of him or cause of you? I think a little bit of both. Really? A little bit from Colony, a little bit from Colony. Amicable? More Dominican actually, which I think is worse.

Is he spending too much money on haircuts? He probably is. Did he come in a Spider-Man backpack? No. Did he announce his presence by playing semi-gosselina? I don't know. I don't really know anything about Dominicans. So all I know is banana farms. They hate being called black. Right. But that's what I do to them. Do they ride bodega bikes? Also, Spanish people hate being called Puerto Rican. Yeah. It's like a real and blacks being called Puerto Rican or Dominican. Interesting. And then as whites over here, like, I have a question for you.

There's a video that my friend took and showed it to me of of a man. OK, the subway station, you know, the benches that people sit on. OK, there are there's two. Were they having sex? Yes. It's you? Okay. I'm ready. Okay, so one of the guys looks like Burkina Faso,

kind of African kind of looking dude. What's Burkina Faso? A part of Africa. He looks like, what a show off. Like seriously? What the fuck are you talking about? I thought that was like an actor. I thought that was a spice.

If I showed you a guy from there, you would know what I'm talking about. Burkina Fresno? I thought that's a guy from like I showed you a guy from there, you would know what I'm talking about. Bikrina Fresno? I thought that's a guy from Wakanda. No, Cape Veridian. Okay, whatever. Okay, so there's like an African looking dude.

And then there's like a gangster looking dude. Are they wearing masks? Because if so, I've seen the video. One of them is. Yes. Wait, the ass eating? You jump off to this? And the other one is sitting on the other one's face and he's getting his, the other one's

eating his ass? That's a different video. What is that? What is going on there? There are the... Please answer this. Are they gay? Are they in love?

Well, there's a gay gang in Rikers called the Ghetto Gay Boys. The Ghetto Gay Boys? The Ghetto Gay Boys. But the Burkina Faso guy looked well dressed? There are a group of gay men in the Bronx that at night they go down in the subways and they fuck each other and they film it. No, but somebody was and I have a fantasy of being stuck on the train. Wow. Yeah, but this was he was eating his ass. He was laying down and the guy was sitting on his face. But it looked transactional. Didn't look like the man was enjoying it. And they didn't look gay at all. They looked very hood.

I know. Well, yeah, those are like homo thugs. it. And they didn't look gay at all. They looked very hood. I know. Well, yeah, those are like homo thugs. Yeah, homo thugs. Those are real? Yeah. Yeah, no, they're not just dreams. Wait, so they are gay? They're sexually attracted to each other?

It wasn't like for drugs or anything? I mean, maybe. I mean, I don't know their story, but you can't, so you're saying you looked at a video and you're like, I can tell they don't like it. That's what John was making fun of me. He was like, that man is eating his ass and you're asking if they're gay. I'm like it. That's what John was making fun of me. He was like, that man is eating his ass and you're asking if they're gay.

I'm like, yeah, but he doesn't look like he was. Who did you think wasn't enjoying it? The man who was eating the ass. I could see that being smaller than the hood guy. Well, he probably looked like he wasn't enjoying it because he was concentrating. You know, you don't really eat ass like. He was like just laying down.

You don't eat ass like that? No, I eat ass like this. You have to really concentrate. Mm. Have you ever eaten ass? Once? I can't do it. That's why your relationship didn't work out. I've been begged, but I can't do it. After a shower, it's not that bad.

Yeah, it's totally fine. Now I'll never eat ass. I've never seen that video. I think about it all the time, though. You gay now, dog. Oh my God. It was so awful. And then he started jerking off and he didn't even have a black man's penis.

It was like the spindly long penis. And he was like jerking off. Show me the video. Wait, when is the spindly long penis? And also, how did John find this? You ever see a long penis? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don man's penis. It was like the spindly long penis. And he was like jerking off the video. Wait, what is the spindly long penis? How did John find this? You ever seen a long skinny guy? His friend took the video. Wait, what? So it was across the platform.

No way. Yeah. Crazy. I'll send it to you. I would be worried if I'm taking this video, someone's coming out behind something and just taking my phone. Cause like that shouldn't be caped. Absolutely.

Oh, the old classic eat my ass rope-a-dope. Yeah. You're like, fuck, now my phone is dead. Oh, you know that old caper. Here, let me eat your ass. And then we'll rob someone with it. What? Do you see the video of the guy?

We're criminals, not gay. Do you see the video of the guy that's laying in the tracks and some other guys like, I gotta get home, you gotta get the fuck up Like none of us want to wait for your suicide. Mm-hmm. Oh, wow Do you see the video the guy getting hit? These two guys are fighting and the guy hits him and he and he falls into the tracks gets it and the woman videotaping goes Damn, and I'm gonna be late for work

That's New York. Yeah, nobody cares about anyone. I fainted in a hallway the other day and people just walked over. Why did you faint in the hallway? Well, I faint. I have a fainting problem. You did not eat? That seems like I did not eat. What was the movie I fainted at? Substance. I fainted blood. Wait, oh. You fainted blood?

You fainted blood. Blood. Oh, you faint at blood. I thought you meant you fainted blood. There was blood in the movie. I had a, I went into the bathroom to faint privately. And she was so traumatized from this movie and I fell asleep. That's nice of you to take your faint and leave and not bother anyone. Well, I get really I think what happens is I'm worried that people are gonna be like, are you okay? So I got up and I was with Ian and a bunch of buddies and they're like, where are you going?

I was like watch the movie faggots. I just fucking hit me like I'm gonna go faint I'm gonna go pass. I was asleep. I pet I fell asleep. What you also fainted kind of yeah Whoa faint brothers sleep brothers sleep passed out in different ways You also fainted. Kinda, yeah. Wow. Faint brothers. Sleep brothers. Passed out in different ways. Very different ways. Yeah, I fainted, but in New York it's the best because people just walk over your body and they don't care. Nobody cares.

It's so nice. It's way scarier if you're in the Midwest and be like, are you okay? No, no, no. Please don't. Absolutely. In New York, they're like, just let them nod off on heroin. So back to this video. Let's see.

Just text John and say send me the video that Jordan is talking about. Okay. No, the video I was talking about was the ghetto gay boys on the train and they're fucking each other and then the train stops and they pull up their sweatpants, look around and then they go back to fucking. Why do they pull up their sweatpants? Because people are getting on. People may get on. And they may be upset by a bunch of grotesque gay man sex publicly. Yeah. Maybe this is what that was.

And it was ghetto gay boys. Cause it was out in the open. Yeah. It's a part of it being seen. I hooked up with a guy. I knew you would have the answer. If three days I've been obsessing over this. I hooked up with a guy that wanted to fool around on the subway. And I said, that makes sense.

That's where it should happen. What? Where nobody could see it above ground. Yeah. obsessing over this. I hooked up with a guy that wanted to fool around on the subway and I said- That makes sense. That's where it should happen. What? Where nobody could see it. Above ground. Yeah. Keep that down there. Yeah, yeah.

Close to hell where they're gonna end up. Close to the devil. You feel that fire, boy? Oh, he was really sitting on his head though. It's really burned into my- Why wouldn't you eat ass bent over the thing? Honestly, it might've been transactional. A guy like, hey, give me 20 bucks.

I'll eat your ass so I can get drugs. When do you stop? When is the ass eating over? Until when he comes, cause he's jerking off. Oh, he's jerking off. Yeah. The guy on top's jerking off. That's a good way to know.

And if you were real when you're on the bottom, jerking off too. Like I did the other night. I was looking to see if that guy was jerking off and he wasn't. What? You did? No.

You bailed. I bailed. Did you bail? I bailed. You said that you bailed. I didn't tell you, that was Sunday, not Saturday.. Did you bail? I bailed. You said that you bailed. I didn't tell you. That was Sunday, not Saturday. What's going on?

What is going on? What is going on? Saturday, what happened? I had a nice time. Have you ever had a hook up with a guy that's bigger than you? Yeah. Oh, okay. Because I thought you just like petite guys.

Oh, I thought you meant cock. Bigger guys? I don't like, I don't like, um. Yeah. I don't like big because I thought you just like petite guys. Oh, I thought you meant cock bigger guys. I don't like I don't like the muscle guys. I do like to be held and I fought it and I'm really into being held. I mean, my hold me more gay than straight. I think something's coming out of really. Yeah, I think something is you think you're just going to go full gay. I think I am a flower and I am coming out of me. Really? Yeah. I think something is. You think you're just gonna go full gay?

I think I am a flower and I am blossoming. I love that. Do you know how much more work you'll get if you're gay? Yeah. Feel like a fucking daffodil. And then you know what happens after gay? What? Trans.

No. You're really going the whole way. Imagine our own little axle. Dude, could you imagine? Oh, that would be amazing. Hey dude, what's up guys? I'm just like you. Our own little axle. Could you imagine? That would be amazing. Watch out guys! I'm just like you! Wait.

And you still keep your mustache? I love that. Oh wait no, you'd be transitioning from male to female. No, I'd be a woman. I'd be like, here let me see if I could get my woman voice. Yah, what? No. That's just gay. How does a woman talk? Just go black. Hey there baby! Yellow, black's know. Oh, that's just gay. How does a woman go? Hey there, baby That's nice Wow, and I gave her be miss information

Oh, I hit the table girl. Mm-hmm. Y'all need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. That's not a thing That's how women's talk. No, that's like a black woman from the 90s. Yeah, I would be a black woman from the 90s That's almost like I'd be like principal from the 90s baby. You sit down. I won't make you your soup That yeah, right doesn't it make you feel warm it does yeah Yeah. Right. Doesn't it make you feel warm? It does. Yeah. Okay, so you're bossing me into a gay man.

I think. Despite my attempts. I know. Of reconversion therapy. I know. It doesn't work. Turns out you bully somebody into not being gay. They just go the other way. They go the other way. Ha ha ha ha.

Maybe the answer's at the base of your penis. I just thought you guys might end up together. That's gross. There's still time. Ha ha ha ha. She just flinched. That was like her rape wall just came down.

Rachel Dollazone. Her rape wall just is down. Wow. Just call Rachel Dollazone. Why did you say that? I don't know. I thought it would be funny. You just called Rachel Dollazone.

I don't know. I thought it'd be funny. You just coughed. Rachel told us all. Is there still time you pet me like a wet cat? Yeah, that's what everybody thinks. Yeah, but you're against it. I feel like he's into it a little. I can't, one, I can't date somebody who's as codependent

as he is because I'm super codependent. You're so codependent. Two, I can't date somebody, I'm intoependent as he is because I'm super codependent. That's not my problem. You're so codependent. Two, I can't date somebody, I'm into more people who are kind of shut down emotionally. Right. And three, he's gay. Four, he smokes too much. My dad smoked and died.

Oh, okay. So if he quit smoking, I said I would legally marry him. But that's just legally. Right. Jordan, just be all right. Jordan is- You're so wet. Okay, I know.

Really. He does too much eye contact. That's why we wouldn't work out because I'm the one that gets wet. He does that. But I think you need that. No. You do. You do need that.

You need the love I have to offer. Yeah, you need to. Yeah, as a friend. Yes. That's the thing. I was just talking about this tonight. But as a friend, but also as a lover. I did try to explain to somebody recently,

I was like, I wish that the people that I'm attracted to could be my friends, because I respect them so much, and I wish that my friends I could view as a sexual partner, because my friends are so loyal and loving, but my sexuality doesn't go that way. Wait, I'm confused. Like the people that I fall in love with, I respect them, I like talking to them,

I want advice from them, and then I end up dating them, whereas that should be a friend. And the people that I like, I'm like, them. I like talking to them They I want advice from them and then I end up dating them Whereas that should be a friend and the people that I like I'm like you will take care of me. You support me We love each other. That's always who I make my friend and those are the people you should that tonight at dinner I was like I have never loved anyone the way I love Jordan and I can see myself Talking to himself alone sitting on a rocking chair with you, spending our lives together, but I can't see myself being like, come and sit on my face.

And my friend's like, yeah, that's a friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I guess I just see you as a friend. I also think you could see sitting on my face, but you know that I would go, ugh. I think there's gonna come a time where you're gonna be too weak to do that. To get on his face to go. Oh, really? You're just like hospice. I'm just going to cave. Yeah.

I thought you meant like visit, like you're in hospice and I'm taking care of you. You're the only person I could see myself. Like if you got paralyzed or something, I would be like, I would be like, I'll take care of you. And I'll like, will you around? You have to, yeah. But I, anyone I've ever been romantically involved in, I'm like, if they get bangs, I'm outta here. Totally, totally, totally. Bangs are gross. They're, oof.

You have to have a good face for them. I don't like- Bangs are the first step towards having an opinion. Bangs, you ever see those bangs that are like half bangs? They're like right in the middle. Vegan bangs? Oh, the diet antwood bangs? They're not like half bangs? They're like right in the middle. Vegan bangs? Oh, the diet antwood bangs? They're not like full bangs, they're just right here.

No, they're terrible. I'm terrible. Not good. Oh, like I'm slightly attracted to the ones that are like Winona Ryder. You're starting to be attracted to women. Beetlejuice bangs. You know this?

Who said that? You did. When? Beetlejuice bangs. Manly women. Masculine women. But I've seen masculine women been like, she's hot. Yeah.

Because she looks like a dude. See, we're good for each other because you try to bully me into being straight, which makes me go, no, I am going to be who I am, which is helping me find that blooming daffodil of mine. And you see how OK I am with myself. And that has allowed you to go, maybe I can find a

woman attractive. That hasn't helped me do that. That's working out a boxing gym with men come in with vaginas. I'm like, well, I could do that. Well then my therapist is wrong. Hey everybody. I am in Denver, Colorado at ComedyWorks, one of the best clubs in the country and I couldn't be happier.

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Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Check it out. Thanks for supporting the product and the show. We love you. See you next, keep enjoying the show. I do want to change my sexuality to be attracted to people who love me, but it just is, I'm so far from that.

That's not sexuality. That's accepting love. Yeah, but I think you need to be open to like emotionally open people. Right. So you're just it's so hard. You're going to keep hitting that wall. Yeah. And it's called a closed vagina because you've been raped emotionally for years. Are you open to emotionally open people?

I don't know. I chase people like my father, probably. So yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not it's not great. I want somebody that I think is like that, but that's not who I go after. Yeah. Same. See, I've never given myself to the love of a man. I would think it would be even just for a chapter. I think I'm ready to start a new chapter. Wait, didn't you have a boyfriend, though?

Yes. What? Well, I don't know if it was belonged from your nose. I'm not sure if it didn't.'t have a from whence it came. I thought you were in love with a man. No, no, we're both in love with Justice, the lead singer of Angel Does. Oh, okay. Is that it? No, but that's more of a like, no, he dated a poet.

He went on a date with a poet. Remember that guy you went on a date with when we were outside the cellar? That's was that the guy poet? Yeah, that's the Adrian save me, yeah. That's the pirate. Adrian saved me that night. He's scary, that guy. Yeah. That guy's scary. Jordan found out about that one night outside of a comedy show.

Some guy was like, hey, did you go on a date with this guy that I knew from college? Jordan was like, you went on a date with a man? I'm marching away. He was a gay vampire. In my opinion, I think the way that Ian acts out sexually in his sex addiction is with

men. Right. So it's hard for me when he says I hooked up with a man to go, Oh, was it a sweet date? Because it never is. It's always let's meet up in the back of a car. That's why I tried to go on a date with that guy to have a healthy whatever. And I'm going to open this chapter of the book of my life in which I date intentionally without just fucking for sport.

So we're dating. Look down at my dog. Oh. Aw, she's snuggie. I really wanted to put Glenn in my pocket today. I took him to the gym yesterday. He met Rob and Zechariah. That, you are really gay.

That's like, when she started taking your animals to the gym. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You're there. Old Mastiff can go to the. I'm a there. I think you're pretty much there. I love women But you like women like friends, I think yeah, but I love eating pussy you could still do that You don't he doesn't like period sex though. I I had it really The bloody good time

Did you put a sheet down or a towel? I put her down. I said, listen, you broken animal, get out of here. Where did you do what my dad said to me? Leave the tampon in and play with the clitie. Jordan. My dad said those words to me. To you? Yeah, it really scarred me.

Wait a second. My mom took me to the area between the butthole. Why are we talking about that, but not his dad's death? I don't know why you're okay. He got killed by a train. No, I'm just kidding. Move on. He can't talk about it.

I can talk about my dad's. Yeah, go ahead. You talk. His face filled up on the couch. Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop. I process things. This is my dad's ring. Oh, cool.

That's awesome. Yeah, I got it from my mom. What is it? And I ate meats and cheeses, my fingers swelled up and I can't. Oh, God. You always do that fingers swelled up and I can't. Oh God, you always do that and say those words. I can't take them off.

You're gonna have to get it taken off with the jazza light. Why do you say that? Because it's true. But I just don't like how you say it. You always say, I ate meats and cheeses and my fingers swoll up. It's like the most disgusting sentence in the history of time.

What are you talking about? First of all, just say I ate some salt or I ate some meat and some cheese. I ate meat, some cheeses and my fingers swirled up. You went crazy on a charcuterie board? Yeah. Wow. I got it upstairs. He loves meats and cheeses.

I love meats and cheeses. You are Italian. Just a nice, delicious sweet soppressata. It's so good. What kind of cheese? Acunic, Delice de Burgon, Stilton Blue. Cabrago? Talagio.

Should we just play one round of heads up? I mean we can, I don't even know what it is. Do you like games? What time is it? Do you like games? That's so menacing. Are we going into the basement? Are we going into the basement?

It's eight o'clock, and then also, why'd you get in a fight? Talk about your brow. Oh, I got a new tattoo. Ian. Oh, wow. Shout out Ian O'Nolan, R&D tattoo. This is cool. Is that for Glenn?

That's for him. Oh, wow. It's got Tegaderm on, so it's not good. Do you have any area of your body that has no tattoos I I have a thing now where when I see empty skin, I obsessively go I have to fill it up I have to fill it up. I'm gonna do my most of his chest. I'm not most of my chest my fucking belly bear Bear nipples bare skin. I think I'm gonna get pile of skulls here or the three horses. Hmm. That's better. And the back, I really want to get my back done, but it hurts like a motherfucker, dude.

You're insane. Oh, the spine. The back piece. That's why you get wings. I missed that part. Wings. Is that what you said? Wings. So they don't hit his spine. Do you have a tramp stamp? No. What should I get on my back? I was thinking a big reaper. Oh I got a new tattoo. Shut the fuck up. Who ripped ass? Oh I like that. That's so nice. You know the only color tattooed

on her whole entire body she got when she was with me twice? Does she bring color to my, that's not true. The eyes of the one that was sagging. Oh wow. How does that feel like that taken from you? Sagged. I have more than sagged.

Okay. She farted bad. She's looking into my eyes. Dude, that's like truly evil. Oh my God. What should my back piece be? The guy who made her misfits. That's like truly evil. Oh my God. What should my back piece be? The guy who made her misfits. Something that when guys come they can come on it.

I do like getting my back on them. You don't like it? No, my shoulder. You like getting your shoulder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on buddy. Oh, cause you're like making it come. You're like let's see how far you can get. Oh no, why are you near me? You were just farting. God, that thing stinks.

When's the last time she shit? She pooped recently. Dude, it's- She just has farts these days. I don't know. Not these days, all days. I give her an egg every morning. That's not good.

She loves it. Yeah, of course. Wait, she loves what? Eggs. That's why she stinks. Dude. She loves to eat it. What?

What's wrong? It makes her happy. Coyote, come here. She's a dog, man. She wants to eat it. She loves what? Eggs. That's why she stinks. Dude, she loves to eat it. What? What's wrong? She it makes her happy. Coyote, come here. She's a dog, man. She'll be happy about anything. Get up there. She wants to be with you.

Oh, shout out to the guy that made Jordan or corn coin purse. Corn. Corn purse. Little bits of corn. Jensen Jr. is so cute. And this wallet. The minute I said it, I almost opened it and this is what happened upstairs is I went, oh my God, my dad had one just like this and I opened it, it said Jensen Jr.

And I was like, oh! That's why you made it. For you. He told me that. Maybe it's for your child. He said you mentioned that your dad had one and that's why you made Jensen Jr. I never mentioned it.

Well, then I think I somehow made that up. I think I filled it up somehow made that up I think I think I your child. I filled that memory together. Oh and look at this for somebody the fucking out of step sheep This is oh i'm gonna get this tattoo here. I love this what That's not big enough that's not big enough enough. It'll get small. Right there. Get a bunch of farm animals on your back. Right there.

They can shrink it down. There's literally no space. I'm gonna get fit! Okay. I'm so curious about your fight. Alright back to this fight. I wanna hear about it. What was the fight?

You would have to go two minutes. Okay, so basically what happened was I was in the middle of a giant walkway where Ubers pick you up at the airport. I had my J.K. LaGuardia. It was a different airport. I forget which city I was in. And I actually forget Ohio.

I don't know. And then this is an Ohio. And wow, look at you go. Try and focus. So then I'm the guy comes up behind me an older dude He goes excuse me because I'm on my phone look waiting for the uber He goes excuse me and I like turn to see what's up and he goes excuse me and then he hits coyote with Yeah, yeah, and then I was like, yo Did you just hit my fucking dog and he was like cuz coyote like scooted out of the way and he was like he was like

He said I said excuse me and I was like, yeah what I was like, why Coyote like scooted out of the way. And he was like, he was like, he said, I said, excuse me. And I was like, yeah, what? I was like, why don't you hit me? Don't am I fucking don't even have puppy. Are you fucking crazy? And I was like, and I was like, you're fucking. And I then I went on the Jordan. I lost it.

And I was like, you're a fucking little dick piece of shit. You fucking hit dogs. I bet you fucking fuck kids, too. You fucking so. And he flipped me off. And then I was like, fuck you. And. You fucking so and he flipped me off and then I was like fuck you. And I took my luggage and I ran after him and I smashed him with my luggage. And then nice. Did he fall? No, no, no, no.

Give me his demographics. And then, yeah, I'm going to say fifties. I'll say no, no. OK, no, no. He was known known from the cellar. I'm giving that's yeah.ome. Okay. He was gnome? Gnome from the cellar? I'm giving that, yeah, white demographic. Oh, he was white? It wasn't gnome, but he looked like, he was similar to that vibe. Well-dressed, professional.

And that's why it blew my mind. And then my- Why? Because it wasn't even like a- Ow! And then I turned after screaming and I- Did you just, did you just poke yourself in the eye? Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I poked myself in the eye. And then I turned and a group of... Oh my God, oh my God. What? No, it's okay. Something's happening? I know, it's just your face. Oh, fuck you.

I know, it's jarring. No, you were going like that. When the glasses come off, it's really jarring. You were going like that. Oh, my eyes sink into my skull. I've never seen you like this. Put the glasses back on and pop your eyes back out. You should see me wet.

You should see me in a pool it's jarring I've just never seen you without glasses on that sinks them back in I used to have I used to wear contacts Can you imagine context? That's what you're gonna look up from that's just to be going down on you as your rape wall casts itself. Ready? Hey. No, no. Are you going to say hey?

What's up? I made it to the top of the mountain. You know I'm not into cunnilingus. Maybe it won't work out. Not into it. Why aren't you into it though? It's just because you haven't somebody? What the fuck happened to the side of your head? I picked it. Oh! You know how I pick.

Oh yeah! I do too. Oh it looks like you got stabbed. I know. Stop picking. I pick. I'm a little crackhead. You should see it when I'm on Adderall.

Oh, let's cover that. Let's just make that. It's an open wound. If I find anything I really go after. Oh God! Did you see that video of the guy that picked his head to the point where it's not even a crackhead? I know. I know. Oh, it's a cover. Let's just make that. It's an open wound. If I find anything, I really go after it.

Oh, God! Did you see that video of the guy that picked his head to the point where his brain was hanging out? Oh my God! No, that's crazy! Is it meth? Yeah, you can't do that sober. No, it was Trank. Which Trank? Is that a new type of drug?

It's a new thing in Philly. All the kids are doing it. And then pick your brain? Is that a new type of drug? It's a new thing in Philly. All the kids are doing it. Yeah. Dude, it's his- And then pick your brain? You could see the layers of his skin to skull to membrane to brain. And there's a video of him just picking. You have to be pretty tenacious to pick like that. Yeah. Yep.

Because at some point- You're full of shit. Wake up. Wow. You guys would have a crazy sex life. I got to just say I just see it being so wild. Really? Do you think if we had sex, we'd be wild, happy and free? That's my special scene.

Yeah, I think so. Wow. Oh my God. Let me move that pillow a little so she can move. See, you're a liar. You're like, I like vanilla sex, but then for a while you're like, you gotta choke me till I see God.

No, you do have to choke. Choking's a good thing. That's not really vanilla. Well, it's just like polite. Oh, no? I don't think that's vanilla choking. Choking, I like to be, yeah, I like name calling that I'm bad. But that's why I date dudes that hate me,

because every time they have sex with me, even if it's vanilla, I know they don't wanna be there. They don't hate you outside of sex. Hate. Oh, okay. They just save it for sex. Huh? They just save it for sex, the hitting?

No, no hitting. I'm saying they hate me. Oh, they hate you, okay. If they hate me, then even if it's vanilla sex, I know they don't wanna be there, and that's what I'm into. As a guy, I'm like, you fucking suck, you fat bitch. See, I've done that so many times. I'm over it. Yeah, I

Just want to say I love you. Oh, I'm not ready for it I'm trying to get a little horrifying to me I know having sex somebody inside of me and look at me and be like I love you is like But doesn't that turn to be like I love you. I fucking love you dark and you say it because then it's like you're not really paying attention What if I put a bag over your head and then. Wow. Are we still talking in first person here? In you to me person.

Coyote. She's biting her leg like the person taking their brain out. Her legs coming out. Ew. She is one cute dog. She really is. Ah. Oh, look at that look.

Oh! Okay, sorry, sorry, we embarrassed her. Embarrassed her. She just likes to make decisions on her own. Getting her to move around like that's gonna make her fart again, I know it. She can't be jostled. Do you really think it's the eggs doing it?

Yeah, eggs make dogs smell pretty bad. But she has good poops. It doesn't matter. I don't think the eggs are making the good poops. I think it's making her farty. Okay. But like, do what you want. Whatever happened to like, dry food?

I'm never gonna see this dog again. Also, it's just in the morning, I have to eat eggs and I don't really like eggs. Why do you have to eat eggs? I have a nutritionist that's not doing anything. It is, you look great. I look the same. No you don't., you don't.

No, you don't. Let's pull up pictures from this time last year. You want to be ripped. Let's pull up pictures from this time last year. Buzz, your girlfriend, woof. You guys have your own language. It's like so cute. That's true. Do you guys want to hear the world according to Mr. Rogers?

No, like that guy. We have another tiny book. How'd that even get here? Someone gave it to me. You guys have the coolest fans. They love giving you trash. It's cool. These are all gifts. And I just opened this page. Listen, the gifts we treasure most over the years are often small

and very cute in easy times and tough times. What seems to matter most is the way we show those nearest to us we've been listing their needs or joys and failures. And what did you do with the gift I gave you? You lost it. I did lose it. It fell off. It was like the most nicest gift I've ever gotten in my entire life and the chain broke and I lost it.

What was it? It was a chain that it was a necklace. I gave him that his dad had also given him or that his dad had. It was a necklace my dad died with and I wore it my whole life. And then I'd rip it off when I would have gay sex when I was drunk because I was afraid he'd be watching. And then I lost it. Your dad will be watching you while you're fucking. Yeah, dude, because he died when I was eight and every

end of my life was like, don't worry, he's with you forever. And I was like, well, then now he's going to see this gay boner I'm getting. And then she got me the same pendant from the Vatican. I wore it all the time. And then it the chain claps fell off. That means your dad has stopped watching you fuck men. Yeah. Now you're free. You're free. That's a really, really good way to look at it.

Yeah, that's it. Now you can be free to fuck any butthole you want. Yeah. Come all over any guy's face. Your dad is seeing enough gayness from you and he's releasing you into the wild. No, he'd love me no matter what. Cause I found letters he wrote me

and that's all they said was like, just be Ian and we love you. They knew you were gay at a young age. Yeah. I think they just knew. They called you be Ian. Is that why you named it be Ian Ian? Isn't that crazy? Just be Ian and everything will be okay.

Isn't that wild? I didn't know that until after I named the podcast. That's so weird. Crazy. But yeah, and I always felt shame. I think you're free. I think you're free. A lot of happy and free.

Yeah, you really are. Maybe, yeah. Sometimes you do get everything you want. But I do want to get that pendant again because that was so special to me. Make a trip to the Vatican. Yeah. Let's go to the Vatican. I love Rome.

I've never been. It's incredible. I don't want traveling unless it's for work. I know, but that's the one place. Do a show there. I'm going to go to the Vatican. I'm going to go to the Vatican. I'm going to go to the Vatican. I'm going to go to the Vatican. I'm going to go to the Vatican. I'm going to go to Mannequin. I love Rome. I've never been. It's incredible. I don't like traveling unless it's for work. I know but that's the one place. Do a show there. You don't want to go there. I don't know it that. You meet a nice Italian guy. Oh yeah. Italian guys are hot. They would love you.

I wonder if you really would blossom if you were dating a man like a sweet guy. Well I've started to talk to would blast him if you were dating a man like a sweet a sweet guy started to talk to and I kind of feel why'd you have to do is he the guy who makes the stuff but yes he's a maybe sign an nda did he oh oh my god I know we're talking about. Yeah. Money. Money. Money bags. Anytime someone says sign an NDA, you gotta fuck them. Or they're gonna kill you. You're gonna marry him. Fuck them and then marry them and then they'll kill you.

Fuck, marry, kill. Would you marry a man? Why not? Bro, let me just get through fucking dating one first. You told me outside you were gonna marry him. I didn't say that. You said he's the one. You said I have a crush on him. You are such a he's the one. You said I have a crush on him.

Oh, you are such a foolish person. Yeah, you said I have a crush on him. I am a foolish person, but you're in love. Do you remember that guy? But you're in love. No, I'm not. Wow, you sound like a little schoolgirl. I think you are in love.

I think that's the first time where you're like, I am not in love. No, no. May I ask, may I ask, true feelings. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cigarettes. What the fuck are you doing? He's in Tiny Book. Tiny Book, Tiny Book, Tiny Book, Tiny Book. mask mask true feelings oh cigarettes tiny book tiny book tiny book tiny book things I remember best about successful people I've met all through the years they're delighting what they're doing seems like you want to play heads up

yeah let's play heads up oh did someone say tell Jordan and I said hi. Oh see yeah Did you see the misfits jacket somebody made coyote that's the best gift Dude my phone, but I will I do want to see that. It's so sweet. It's like I it's all over it fits perfectly I got you guys this don't a lot of people have been getting attacked. A serial killer was in New York. Well, technically he killed a guy on my buddy's block when at 8 30 in the morning. How do you know it's a serial killer? How do you know it's not just a murderer?

He stabbed a construction worker killed him him, walked across town, covered in blood, two knives, killed a fisherman and then a woman. A fisherman? A fisherman! Where do you find a fisherman in New York City? A fisherman! Down by Wagner Park? On the water!

On the water? East River. Wow. He killed a fisherman. Killed a poor guy fishing. Wait, I wanna know how somebody- He was a disfisher. He was a disfisher.

Somebody followed this guy around watching him kill people? No, no, no. This, they traced his steps. He's almost pimped with the camera. You're like, now get that person. Now get that person. Now get that person.

I'm loving this. I'm loving this. It's fucking nuts. Are you farting? Can you not face me? No, no, no, I'm just adjusting. My back hurts. I don't believe you.

I will tell you if I rip it. Don't. The level of trust here is not here. Really? It's not good. Stop. I hear you pushing. I'm not, man. My fucking back is hurting, so I'm adjusting. All right. Well, if you cry wolf, you can't cry about the wolves. I'm not going to cry wolf. The only wolf I got is on my arm and he doesn't cry. He just sits there. You're old. So my arm and he doesn't cry. He just sits there. You're old.

So old. My cat scratched me and it hurts. I. Huh? Oh, the serial killer. The guy killed three people. And so the news is touting that like gun violence is down, but stabbings are like through the stabbabbings and assaults are through the roof. Well, it's hard to get guns in New York City,

so it makes sense why the stabbings are up. Unless you live in East New York in the Bronx. I mean, you live in Fallujah. I mean, what the hell is going on out there? Oh, I live in the nice part of the Bronx. Oh, do you? I walk around late at night by myself. It's great.

But the other part is fucking... I would never go there. Yeah, really. That's disgusting. That's what I used to teach, man. Whoa. That was fucking nuts. I was a crime victims advocate in the South Bronx.

Really? Yeah. No way, that's awesome. That must have taken its toll. What'd you say? Like SVU? Well, it depends. There's, yeah, it's basically one guy had a colostomy bag

because he got shot by mistake. Yeah, classic. Right. It was an accident. Not because I owed somebody money. They thought it was somebody else. He got shot and he only had one colostomy bag and his girlfriend had to clean it out.

Right. So I had to step in and have the government give this guy more colostomy bags. And then a guy I was advocating for stole my wallet and I became a victim of crime and I had to counsel myself through it and then I quit. Wow then I was advocating for stole my wallet and I became a victim of crime and I counseled myself through it and then I quit. Like I think I'm going to stop working at the South Bronx. I think that was my first move that was wrong.

And that's when I started stand up. What year was this? 2004. Really? Wow. Was it the job that pushed you into it or quitting the job? No, I kind of wanted to do that. And I was on the fence between doing that and going to law school. And my mom had done stand up.

So she like took me to my first open mic in Brooklyn somewhere. Oh, dude, that's awesome. So what was that like starting in 2004? There was like no social media. Not really. How would you get into clubs? I was just doing open mics. I would have to like Google stuff. I would have to like go on the Internet.

Yeah. Print out. What like go on the internet, print out, what was the thing, MapQuest. Right, that's how I used to get around the city. And then I would print that out, I would print it out and then drive around with that. Wow. I remember the MapQuest printing. Yeah.

What was the mic website called? Free open mics. I remember the first open mic I went to, well after that one, after that was a collective unconscious on the lower east side. Was that the New Eurekan Cafe? That sounds like a New Eurekan. No, but I know that one, too.

Wasn't that like uptown? No, it was the lower east side. No, collective unconscious. I remember they would let you do whatever you wanted. Right. So there was a guy there that used to that had elephant tightness and he would be naked and his balls were this big. His dick was like this big. And then enough people were uncomfortable because he would like go up to you and

talk to you with his huge balls out. And people were like, you can only be naked now when you perform. What a confession. That's awesome. They were like, good for them. And so kind of calloused. They were just big. They were massive. Did they and so kind of calloused. They were just big they were massive Did they look like sagalows hands? They looked very swollen like you know what I mean like And the tiniest little dick was he funny

He really had nothing to say it was just his balls dog and pony show right so it's like what else do you have? Literally a freak show like a beer. Yeah, but women started like being like, hey, this is kind of uncomfortable. That's so funny. You would show at the comedy, the collective, whatever that was, where the guy would show them their balls. But then he got accused of rape because he was raping women. That guy, Mo. Remember Mo? Oh my God. What was that place called? The experimental comedy. The experimental comedy. Yeah. He said, come look at my balls after you take this. The experimental comedy thing? Yeah. He said, come look at my balls after you take this. Dude, he was like the leader of this is a safe space comedy. And you gotta always watch out for those people. Fucking trying to grab up on people.

Yeah. Oh my God. I forgot about that guy. Holy shit. Wait, did you guys start out at the same place? We, I started what, 10 years after you? I don't know. I mean, I started- Oh, but you guys know the same guy, though. Yeah, because I-

I started 2014. I used to see her out. Okay, and then you went through 2015. But you started in Nashville. When'd you move to New York? 2016. Yeah, and I remember I would see her at the fucking pine box open mic, and I just thought you were so fucking funny.

What? Yeah. I always said that to you. Yeah, yeah. Is that what you said to her? Never. Oh. No, no.

That's an apparition. God, you were so fucked up back then. Is that when you were doing drugs back then? No, I was still like- Finding the right drugs. Getting it together, yeah. Getting it together. Yeah, I was-

I was freaking out. Getting it together, yeah. Getting it together. Yeah, I was a mess. I was freaking out. But so funny. Yeah, but no, I remember you were like ripping on Albert Kirschner in between sets and I was like, dude, this is fucking, and you were wearing these boots. Like dude, she is a funny fucking person. Oh my god, I know the books from the time

I'm at the Wolverine combat boots, yeah. Yeah. Because I was doing construction at the same time or something. I love that. Yeah. There was, dude, I think that's so great that that guy was naked and people were like, look, just cover up and then be naked on stage. He's sitting on seats and now if you sit on his seat, his like ass and butt hole. Yeah. But no, I just think that's beautiful because that's how Mike's used to be,

where people were like complete freak shows. You could do it. Yeah. Just keep it on the stage you could do it and then now it's like I have to record this and let people know That you are then make and it's like no dude. He's just fucking I still do Bowery poetry room They had an open mic there, too. Was that the one with music? They would have everything there remember Jessica delfino used to do it a lot I know Hold on Bowery poetry room wasn't that by old overthrow? I remember Jessica Delfino used to do it a lot. She used to have a lot of funny songs. Hold on, Bowery Poetry, wasn't that by Old Overthrow? I don't know, but that whole scene was very alternative. That's where I started.

That was like John Savoy, do you remember him? I remember John Savoy. He lost his mind. Didn't he have that website? This is not what people wanna hear. No, they don't care about this at all. Sorry I forgot cameras are here and I thought we're just friends We're just we went back back in time. We lost we lost time there You can keep talking about rape and big balls, but you can't go into names. Sorry. Okay

Whoo, she's looking there was a lot of vegans during me and Ian's time that would get naked like for Ooh, she's looking at her stuff. There was a lot of vegans during me and Ian's time that would get naked for performance art. It'd be like, my tits are calling from the underground. Do you remember Alan Shane? My tits desire soy milk. Do you remember Alan Shane? There's a documentary on him and Gahwe.

Remember Gahwe? I remember Gahwe. What? Oh, oh, oh. I thought you got a crab. I should get a crab. That's good. Wow, if you just mention anything, you'll get a tattoo of it. Oh, she's licking my thought you got a good one. I should get a crab. Wow. You just mentioned anything, you'll get a tattoo of it.

Oh, she's licking my arm, bit and tickles. Gowie. I remember Gowie. There's a documentary on- Did he used to write for something? He was on every episode of 30 Rock in the background, walking across the screen. And because of that, he thought Tina Fey was gonna make him famous. And he would make handwritten flyers

and post them around 30 Rock and be like, here comes Gailie. And- Gailie? Yeah. I remember Gailie. There's a documentary on him. Do you remember Angry Bob?

Angry Bob, holy- I know this is now what your fans want. Fuck! Dude, that guy fleeced me for a fucking DVD of an open mic set at New York Comic Club. How much did he make you pay? I think like $45, $35. Did he throw in a bobblehead of himself?

No, I missed out on the bobblehead error, but holy fuck, dude. I remember that name, Angry Bob. He dressed all in black, he had black glasses. Black glasses, black fucking hat. Big beard. Do you remember Steve Marshall? Yes.

Dude, don't behave. Whatever you do, go home and don't behave. That was like his whole thing. I remember when I first started doing stand up, I was like interning, so I'd watch these comics go on stage and I would think they were so great. And then years later I was like, oh, they're so awful.

But there was a bunch of people I thought that I thought were like the best. Yeah, I wonder if that'll change now. Like when we're older, we'll be like, Jesus Christ. Maybe. There was a kid that was, when I started in Philly, he would come down from New York and we're like, He's a New York comic.

Oh, dude, he's a New York comic. We're going to bring his backpack on stage. I was like, we got to get the reverse. Sometimes I think back on open micers and I'm like, that person was so funny. So much funnier than a lot of there's a lot of funny people that just dropped off. They dropped off from drugs, alcohol. They died. They were Jeff Weschel Smith was one of the funniest people ever. Oh, yeah. Same with Ian, the guy who looked like this hunt.

Ian, Ian guy who looked like this, Hunt? Ian. Ian Hunt, yeah. No, he had that show good for you, right? Ian, he had this face, he looked like Jack Nicholson. I don't know who that is. Oh my God. Oh, Fie Dance. Remember New York?

He was always in the Creek in the Cave. Fie Dance. I didn't hang out at the Creek in the Cave a lot. It was something like Ian Simple or Ian Sumpel or Ian Smalls or, he was really funny. He worked at the cheese shop, but he was really funny. I thought Brandon Sager was so funny. That's insane.

Really? That's crazy. He was notoriously unfunny. Really? Like it was like a- I don't even know who this is. He was the alcoholic who would like swing back and forth between alcohol addiction. He was, there were would like swing back and forth between alcohol addiction.

He was, there were funny times because he was so not funny that when he was funny, it was funny. Maybe that's what I thought. Yeah. It was like, he'd get up on stage and you'd be like, this guy's sure bad. There was a comic that used to do like, he would do acts.

See, people like, it's real. No, they really don't like it. This is us. I don't think they're gonna like this. They say in the comments. At least it's at the end though. This is the end, right? This is the end. This is the end.

Sorry. I can't help but be a lizard king. Go ahead. There is a guy that used to do really bad impressions, but it was so funny because they were so bad and he was being serious about it. I don't remember his name, but I would watch him be like,

this is so funny, but not the way he did. Dude, we would always crowd around and watch Frank Terranova because he was- Oh my God, what happened to him? I don't know. I would watch him be like, this is so funny, but not the way he did. We would always crowd around and watch Frank Terranova because he was- Oh my God, what happened to him? I don't know. Oh, he fell in love with a young girl

and it ruined his life. Tragic story. Oh, the other comic was really hot. Huh? He dated the other hot comic book. Who? I'll tell you after. Oh, okay.

He was so fucking funny in a dice way. He was so funny in a very dice like old school kind of way. Uh-huh. We got so much more access to different acts then. You know what I mean? Like you have seen so many different people because you'd sit there and 40 people would do five minutes. And you would just have to wait.

Yeah. It was kind of sick. Like for my ADHD, I remember just being like, this is so fun. And then it's like next, as soon as you want to kill somebody, they're off the stage because there's three minute sets a lot of sick. Like for my ADHD, I remember just being like, this is so fun. And then it's like, next, as soon as you want to kill somebody, they're off the stage. Cause there's three minute sets a lot of the time. Like pine box, you'd just be like,

and it was so scary cause you knew you had to have a different three minutes cause the week before, so then you would have exposure to diarrhea in the bathroom. Kyle Ayers was there and you're like, I hope he thinks I'm funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, who the fuck?

Do you ever do auto shrunken head? Yes. Of course. There was a bunch of, I did a bunch of open, yeah, that was pretty bad. There was this lady that used to run in, Yeah. Do you ever do auto shrunken head? Yes. Of course. I did a bunch of open. Yeah, that was pretty bad. There was this lady that used to run in. She adopted kids and she was white adopting like black kids.

And then she was just like so proud of these black kids that were like not really hers. Oh yeah. Angelina Jolie. But she's a big cock. Right. And she lived in like a studio or one. It's all right, baby. It's okay.

It's just what it is. That's just how we talk. I remember one of those mics, Daniel J. Parapan handed me a bag of gummy bears and somebody walked over to me and goes, do not eat that man's gummy bears. And I was like, oh, OK. And I had just started. Oh, you were going to eat them. It was just like I was just at an open mic.

He was like, you want gummy bears? I was like, absolutely. And he was like, they weren't saying because they'll be laced, they were saying like, once you eat that man's gummy bears, you have to be friends with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to fall asleep and I thought he was dead one time at the crew.

He's very funny too though. Yeah. Para-fan, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like crazy funny. Crazy funny, yeah. Every time he gets fat, I'm like, I'm so happy you're off the drugs. Yeah.

Do you remember the burpee mic that Jimmy Peoples would do? No. Where if someone was on stage, you would challenge them to burpees. And whoever won the burpees took their stage time. And one time this kid challenged me to burpees. And I was like, I'm not doing burpees for a two minute set. I know. Maybe this is why no one respects us. I'm fucking not doing this. If you need the stage time that band, fucking take it.

I'm not doing this. You know what I remember? I remember desperately trying to get into the show at the union hall where they did drawing on it. And I remember- Picture this. I used to host that show. I remember DMing this guy and be like, do you think we could please have me on it?

And he kept pushing me down the line and that was you. What? You never booked me on it and you kept saying next week, maybe next week. Oh, yeah. Because that fucking fat bitch that's now disabled fucking booked it. And I never she never took my fucking racks. Who's the disabled fat bitch during the pandemic? She became so overweight, she became disabled. And then like, come on, I swear to God, I swear to God.

I mean, she had a beep beep. She would never listen to God, swear to God. You mean she had a beep beep card? She would never listen to my requests for bookings and it infuriated me. And then she would be like, well, this comic from LA is a fucking, they do puppets and they're non-binary. They just, and then they would bomb

and I'd have to clean up their mess. I fucking tried, man. Yeah, I did. You big timed me. No, I didn't. I never fucking big time. I'll show you the message. How can you show me the message? You have the message from 17 years ago? Yeah. Wow. If he does, you have to fuck him. If he does. I'm like very invested in this. What app do you have that has messages from that long ago? I just feel like sometimes the people

you push on the New York shows bomb and don't get the concept enough to clean up Their mess which is totally fine. But on top of that, they're rude to me and the artist I know New York comics in New York comedy really well, and when I suggest people I feel like you don't respect my input No, I see. So yeah, wait, but where's her name? Yeah. Wait, but where's her name? Do it into the page on dot com slash be any pod. Wait, what do you got to plug? Where did you find that? My text? Right. I never delete anything.

Wow. That's really. How do you have that much storage? It's running out. Well, guys, go watch my special on that. Like the Dark Queen produced by Arsh Fear, directed by Louis C.K. It's so good. It's really, really good. Did you say the Dark Queen in it or did you name it that because you're the Dark Queen? Ari's been calling me the Dark Queen for years.

Fuckin... Do you know what's so funny about that? We recorded around the same time a year ago. This time. Yes. And I remember I was like, dude, this is great. You're like, yeah, it's going to suck. Nothing's going to come from it. Whatever. That's how I think of everything. I know, but you You're like, yeah, it's gonna suck. Nothing's gonna compliment, whatever.

That's how I think of everything. I know, but you're so good. Like it's so funny. Yeah, but I just think nothing's gonna come from any of that. Everyone's good. You guys are both hilarious. Like I just think everyone is funny. It's, do you know what I mean?

So it's like, yeah. But it's interesting that to have that mindset and then have it turn out to be like a Netflix special is like so funny to think about. But what are the odds? Like they're so small. I don't know. I think the odds are pretty small.

I thought it- If you're good, you're good. Yeah, I think it's great. I thought I was gonna go on YouTube for sure. But we didn't try to sell it anymore. Even if it was on YouTube, it's still directed by Louis C. Kane. Yeah, but YouTube is amazing, yeah.

I think honestly, if I would have put it on YouTube, I might have gotten more followers from that on social media. Interesting. I spoke to them and the numbers might have gotten more followers from that on social media Interesting because I spoke to them and the numbers are like pretty good for someone that has no following Yeah, but like yeah, but you know what I think the like I don't think you convert as many I don't know I don't know if you can get the rights back to and put it on YouTube in like sure I can but then people No one's gonna care. I'm not gonna do like another press tour for it

Why not? Come on do it. I'll be dead by then. No, you won't. You have to say something gnarly about like a network thing and then it'll seem like you took it off and put it up there. You know, you have to be like. That was your dog. I was like, oh my God, I killed her. She's like, oh my God. No, I'm very grateful it's on there and I don't owe Ari a ton of money.

Yeah. Ari put the money out for it first and I was like, oh. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I was like, oh. And then Netflix paid for it, which paid him back. Right. Oh, amazing. But I was like, yeah, hoping went on YouTube and I got like donations or,

you know, whatever. Yeah. Oh my God. That's I would have been. I would have been like owed Ari my my life like I just every day. He was like, well, give me garnishing your wages. I know. I tell did he was like, I'll just, every day he was like, well, give me, garnishing your wages. I know. Atell did, he was like, I'll pay for you, and I was like, I never wanna owe anyone fucking money. It's scary. You know? It is scary.

Like, could you imagine, and then you don't make it back, and then you're just like, ducking people in your life. Right, every time he's like, oh, you're just buying a bottle, you're getting a bottle of water. Yeah. You have bottle of water money. You have new shoes, and they're like, what is that?

What did you get? Oh, oh, you can afford to eat. You know you owe me $80,000, right? You can afford to eat, but you can't pay me back. You feel like only on Tuesdays I eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you guys for tuning in. Hey, December 30th, we're doing a live podcast, Rhode Island Comedy Connection.

Then December 31st, my 40th birthday, come bring in the new year. Two shows, Rhode Island Comedy Connection. Yeah, I'm going to be 40. Oh my God. You actually look really young. Oh, you're very sweet. Thank you. Yeah. I don't make fun of my suspenders. I said he dresses like a child. Oh, dude. A bunch of my friends from like Boston, Connecticut, music guys are coming to the show and we should all go bowling day off. That'd be really fun. Yeah. Bowling. Yeah, me too.

It's I never celebrate my birthday. I always make plans and cancel because I'm afraid no one will show up. And the most friends I get. You're very nice. I feel like I'm on an island. You're on an island of your friends. I know. Yeah, but he's he's one of those friends where you're like, I'm not going to go hang out with him because I know that he'll be at my door wanting to hang out the next day. He's very abandonable. Sorry.

I mean, not because you're not lovable, but you're abandonable for plans. You're planned abandonable. Wow. This was a good dark turn. Well, he always makes plans so then you can abandon your plans. I'm the same way. Like if somebody comes to my birthday party, we'll be like, well, we'll all be hanging out anyway. So they'll abandon it. What are you talking about? Your plan abandonable. No, you're just a planned bitch. No, you know what I'm saying. I don't know what you're saying. What do you mean? It's like, you know how some people make plans and they're like, oh, everybody's going

to go because it's the one time this person is making plans. Like Carmen Lagala would have a birthday party every year and 400 people would show up. I would tell a birthday party, ask eight people to come and they'd be like, nah, I'll see you next week. So you're projecting your unplanable on me. No, I never make plans because I'm afraid no one will show up. And then I make plans with, Hey, let's hang out. And then I get, uh, I just accept. I want to hang out with you. I love you.

I love you. I'm planning. Leave it at that. December 31st, Rhode Island comedy connection, two shows me and a special guest are going to be there. It's going to be fun. Also, you're a combo planner. Like say you show up to the birthday, then that at the birthday you're going to go, let's make a plan for this. Do this again next week. That's

true. That's 100% true. And I just like things to look forward to. Like going to see me. This is always how the podcast goes. I end up looking like the worst boy. People are like, you're a loving person. What you don't know is he's a fucking monster. How am I a monster? Because I'm like, I like spending time with you. Let me check in. How are you? The last time I saw you were actually very hot. Thanks. Does that make you feel good?

You're very hot. You have really pretty eyes. You're hot. You're the hottest. Your hair looks amazing. Also, you have had a glow up. Yes. Thanks. You're hot. You're the hottest. Your hair looks amazing also. You have had a glow up. Yes. Thanks. Something looks different.

You look a little like happy. Ah, maybe the ending a bad relationship. Maybe the nutritionist. You and I like a lot of the similar guys. Not the same guy, but like the same characteristics. Yeah. The $2,000 trainer, the millions of dollars I'm spending on trying to look okay is paying off.

And isn't it funny I- You have like great hair though, you don't even have to dry your hair. And isn't it funny I don't do any of that and I look- You look amazing too. We already said you're a good person. You guys would have beautiful children. What?

You guys would have beautiful children. They would have giant rib cages and be shaped like a barrel. That's beautiful. That is beautiful. They would have skinny rib cages and be shaped like a barrel. That's beautiful. That is beautiful. They would have skinny legs and be a barrel. Hey, look at them wide-eyed egg rolls. They would look like Mike Wachowski.

Big is beautiful. Wow. Both of you. There's no coming back. But there is coming out to our live shows, PunchUp.com. Go watch my special. E of I dance.com. It's got everything you need.

My special, Wild Happy and Free, my dates. I'm on the show, and I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the show. I'm going to be on the dance.com. It's got everything you need. My special,

wild, happy and free. My dates. I'm fucking coming all over, man. Baltimore, December 13th at 14th. Come to the live shows. It's going to be great. Um, and then in the new year I'm on the road every weekend till April. Those dates are coming out soon. Come and see me. It's a good time Jordan punch up live Punch up live does some punch up live slash Jordan Jensen That's it RIP, Jordan Jensen and RIP Jordan Jensen

Jordan Jensen death chunk on YouTube and YouTube Jordan's have our special on gas digital See you next week. We love you. Bye.