Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep129: Hapkido Me W/ Pete Lee

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

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Jordan, Jordan Jensen here. I'm going to be at, I'm going to be at Raleigh January 30th. I'm going to be in Buffalo. The February 6th, Boston, St. Louis, Dublin, London, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Berlin, Philadelphia, Rochester, Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Tampa, and Portland, Oregon. And you can get all of those. And by the way, I'm recording my special by special May 17th at Gramercy Theatre in New York.

So those, you gotta go that. Punchuplive.com, so punchup.live.com, punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com.

Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. Punchup.live.com. that's right. My dates. What are you? Don't hit me, man. Stop. I was here when you were here. I didn't get up. I'm going to be in Unkinsville, Connecticut, Comics Roadhouse, Syracuse, New York, Albany, New York, Hasbury Heights, Portland, Maine, Valentine's Day weekend, following weekend, Portland, Oregon. I listened to you. Kerry, North Carolina, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Vegas, Kansas City, Salt Lake City, San Diego.

I'm going everywhere. Okay. Punchup.live slash Ian Fy dance to get on my mailing list. Ian Fy dance.com for all my dates, sketches, special, wild, happy and free. Come and see us live. It's a good time. Enjoy the show. Thanks for sitting through all this. You probably didn't. Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt So why ride when you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Don't get chocolate in it. No! That sounds like a deer dying.

Why did you use this one? Because it's too clunky. Hi. Oh, but thanks. Shout out to. I forget who made me this, but this is, oh, the Thornrose Leather Co. Out of step. Are we on?

Are we on the air? Yeah. I just got 8, 10 p.m. this week. I'm going to be at the Comedy Store if my house doesn't burn down. If my house burns down, I'm not going back to L.A. to do spots on Saturday. Is that weird? What? Forest fire caused by what?

I got this. I have no idea. Yeah, there's there's 100 mile an hour winds right now. It happened in the Palisades Highlands. So I live in the lowlands. I live right on the ocean. Rag. And isn't that poor people downtown? No, poor people are not nearly like we're rich people. Like my neighbor is the fourth in charge of Walmart and like like another guy is like

a hotel magnate. Is that if those houses survive, I'm going to go there and pull Luigi. Oh dude. Yeah, please. Yeah. Just kill everyone in our neighborhood. Actually, can I select a few? Cause we're in an HOA and I don't like the other half. I think if I were to do that though, I'd scam them out of money instead of just killing them. HOA is housing wreaking havoc. Home owners association. Home owners association. That's what it was. You guys were like, tell me you're 47 without

telling me you're 47. Holy me you're 47, Pete. Holy shit. I bought a house. You bought a house? I'm going home on Sunday to paint it. But she's not a HOA. Oh, you're not, that's the best. HOAs are literally like, they fine you

for having too much garbage in your garbage can. Home Owners Association. Oh, I know a good HOA thing, like my aunt in Colorado Springs cannot hang underwear up on the clothing line because it is uncouth. Because it makes a smell. I got fined, so I have a stalker that lives in my neighborhood.

Oh my God, that's right, you have a stalker. Wait! He's literally, Pete Lee's on the podcast. No, no, no, I have to say the most exciting thing about Pete Lee that I heard about you. Oh, touch my leg more, I'm single. You, you, okay. You, Ian down, sorry. By the way, last night when I walked up to You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you his penis. He was like, Emile. Please give me a South Palisades hello.

So this is what I heard. Yes. I really love that you guys whisper, but then you hold your mics close to where you whisper. It's my move. And also I like making him do things that then the people who see what I whisper, but I don't understand.

Move it further, please. It's really fucked up. I have a really, it's three days before my period. I will house that. Wow. Anyway. That's so funny because the last time I recorded it was close to your period too. Get that away.

That's Dolly Saltwater Taffy. Okay. I heard. You haven't seen it because you haven't been in the studio in a while. No, no, I have seen it. I have seen it. I was here. That was John. That was John. John. John was John. We ate it with Kareem.

We're back in the studio, by the way. So I heard because I had a John dot com slash beginning. You two are my favorite married couple. This is like one here. I'm going to say something. If you say one more thing, I'll fucking kill you. I wasn't saying I was going to sing. I know I had Coyote in the green room one day and then somebody told me that you had a stalker and your protection is a small French Bulldog. Yeah. Well, I, um, uh, how are you straight? Isn't that the coolest, most peatly thing you've ever heard? Weirdly on them.

Yeah. He used to like go to the front window and he'd be like security, cause he really, he would like, he like knew the sound of this guy walking. And he would just run. Oh, it's a guy stalker. It's a guy stalker, yeah.

And so I got fined in the HOA with my old house. So I had an old house, I moved to Arizona cause I got married to a lady. I got divorced, I moved back to the neighborhood, got a better house four doors down. Well, I got fined in the HOA because they think that I can't say his name Well, I can't I legally can because I've won all my court cases against him and I restraining orders I can legally say his name but I won't but his mom died via hanging

He was the one that found her and she had a restraining order against him. So the DA of LA She had a restraining order against her son. Yeah. So how do you find her? Because he clearly doesn't respect the law. What do you think? And then the lady right behind my house, she was found hung to death, had no history of depression. So now the DA of LA is investigating all this stuff. So his lawyer's wife was the head judge in Santa Monica. She just waived like she just wouldn't even like try a case that involved him.

Well, my restraining order case, he had a video explaining that she gets him off everything and that's his blah blah blah. Again, I'm not naming names, so I'm not liable. But she, after our restraining order thing, when I exposed this video, the head judge of Santa Monica, who was in her 50s, retired. So they don't go after ex-judges, right?

So now the DA of LA is investigating all this stuff. And on July 19th of 2020, when all this stuff was happening with him, there was a woman who he arred, I don't like to say that word, you know, raped, yeah, who ran to my house. Can we wait until it's 10 minutes into the pod so we don't get demonetized? I said raped. I said raped. Raked. He raked her like a cartoon. He put a rake. You can believe that.

I just don't like, I don't like. We don't censor. Yeah. I don't, I don't like that word. I don't know. You're sitting like the Grinch. Yeah. You know what I mean, man?

But anyway, she ran to my house for help afterwards because she knew that he was stalking me and I helped her and I actually paid her legal fees. Well, now they've like bundled all of his cases into mine. And this is something that like he knows, but like he'll probably listen to this podcast and go like, what they're doing what? Well, anyway, so thanks for liking the podcast, comment, share.

patreon.com, so I've been in pub. So I got, I didn't get fined, but I got a notice from the HOA because it was Halloween time and I hung a skeleton. Easy. I hung a skeleton. Easy. I hung a skeleton. That must have been triggering for him. From my front.

So I had these big windows. Everyone around him hangs themselves. And then whenever he'd walk by and be looking in the windows, I'd put up, I'd like hold up this, I had this neon thing that just said, your mom. She was hanging. And dude, that's the funniest shit that I've ever done. That's the meanest thing. Oh my God.

That's the meanest shit that I have ever done in my life. Let's go. That's the funniest shit that I've ever done. That's the meanest thing. That's the meanest shit that I have ever done in my life. Let's go. Why was he outside your house? Because he wants to kill me real bad every day. But isn't there a restraining order that you can't go within a hundred something? You think people respect that? He's broken it over 16 times and now where it stands is that if he breaks, so I had to go get a second restraining order.

I showed all of the past. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 17 times. I'll hang a thing up that looks like your mom. Restraining order violations are a misdemeanor, but they can bundle them and create them into or turn them into several felonies. And so this judge that we went in front of, because I had to renew my restraining order against him, was like, hey, if you have one more infraction, you're I'm going to turn multiple of these into felonies and you're going to go to prison for a long time. Well, um, uh, he, you know, since I've been back, you know, things have been normal. Um, uh, but, uh, yeah, I, uh,

so yeah, I mean, I did antagonize him, but that was after the restraining order. That was after he tried to break into my house. That was after like, I think it's deserve. Have you communicated with him at all? Only through the medium of podcasting. Only through court I communicate with him. How did he stalk you? What did it look like? He started by, so he,

I moved into his neighborhood and he was a fan. And so he was like skateboarding around in a rainbow speedo. How old is he? He's now 34. Is he a gay man? Ian, He told you not to do this anymore. Do what? He's keeping around his house. Yeah, I know. We don't know his sexuality necessarily, but like he, I think it depends on, he's bipolar, which is not bad. He has schizo-effective disorder, which is not bad. But the thing thataffective disorder, which is not bad.

What? Wait, what's the second one? It means like he's schizoaffective spectrum. Neither of those two are bad and there are medicines for anybody. But he, in addition to that, is a predator. Like his brain goes like prey, like predator prey. And he's been getting restraining orders against him since he was like 16 years old they think he killed his mom they

think they killed this other lady there's three women that they that we know of that he arred and then um right why is he not in jail if he arred um because of that judge that let him she wouldn't even see any case that was brought up against him. But because everywhere, every fucking town in America favors criminals over citizens. Agree or disagree? What's the real reason? Well, his family is very wealthy and they've funded lawyers. But recently I found out, so he went, his family stopped giving him money after all this stuff with me.

I was his first male victim. I feel so. Congrats. That's so nice. I'm like, I've had several girlfriends and whatnot, like turn lesbian right after me. So like, I like that the guy, it went the opposite way. He only stalked women and now it came back. Wow. He's going to watch this and be like, see, he loves it. Oh, see, he loves it. Yeah. No, no. Can I just say this guy has arred multiple women, his mother Stalked you it run into the police a million times

Yeah, clear danger to society and you're like, you know what? I'm gonna get a French bulldog Why did you get a French bulldog bark is more important than technically and I don't mean to be a bummer I'm like my house is on fire. I have a starter I lost the French bulldog in my last divorce so that she, the dog went with her. Why? Because I don't know he was my service animal, he's registered to me, but he was her dog first. Wait a minute, did you do the thing that I did where when people are like what does she do and I'm like she keeps people away from me but it was kind of just like a... Lie.

Oh wait, like do you mean... Did you do what she did and lie about it being a service animal? You can tell me anything. If you were on the road with me at meet and greets, you would be so happy about Coyote because somebody will walk up that is so fucking weird and show. And I go, who is it? And then I find them and they're always like, I love being in. And I'm like, get out of the line.

She's very selective. I mean, this dog, I really had trained as a service. This dog did 202 flights with me. Like, you know, Coyote is getting up there. Yeah. And this dog loved to bite people and other dogs. And just when I put the vest on him, like it was like it was like, don't you know, I don't bite. And you'd see a thunder vest. You would see. Yeah. You would see like it looked like a

it literally looked like it was one of those black dog vests that looks like a bulletproof vest. And him, it looked really, really tough. But like a little kid would come up with the little kid fingers and he'd look at me like, can I, you know I want to murder. Like he hasn't even lived that long. I won't even be that sad.

Wow. He was also talking about himself. What's his name? His name's Diesel. And he had two years ago, he had, he got cancer really bad. And we put him through the full radiation all the shit. He lived, the doctor goes, you know how I knew he was going to live?

Because he was bullying the other cancer dogs in the back. Wow. He's somebody that like, he's an angel of mercy. He's like, oh, you're about to die? Well, let me finish you off. This is an easy kill. Oh my God. He's like the serial killer that kills homeless people.

He's like, ah, you're going to die. Was it bad in the green room? Because sometimes Coyote will bark at weird sound guys. Yeah, I would always have to be like, please take your weird face off. He would, he would barge in and then untangle your greasy hair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, Vishnu Vaka, right? Like he'll come on the road and then he'd be like, Diesel would just be going, like, cause he'd want to come see me. And then Vishnu would just bring him on stage and like, Diesel's not funny. So he would bomb every time.

Yeah. And it was just like every time that he'd come on stage, the crowd would be like, oh, Diesel's here. And I'm like, this is going to suck. I know he's got no chops. Wait, how would do why did she? You can do it. Why she keep why she keep dog? You can do it. Why she take dog? Oh, why did why did she take the dog can do it. Why she keep why she keep dog? You can do it. Why she take dog? Oh, why did why did she take the dog? They were more bonded. Why?

Why is there a dark cloud of despair around you wherever you go? I don't know. I'm the happiest person you've ever met. It is wild. I'm like, uh, yeah, like my house is about to be on fire in California right now. And I'm like, all right, well, you know, uh, I only I still have most of my stuff in storage in Arizona, but like I just brought my favorite stuff to California. Oh, that's gonna burn. You know, do you really think it's gonna burn? Uh, I don't know. I so there's a We have cameras on the house and I keep checking the cameras and then there's a surf lighting camera in our neighborhood Because one of the best surf spots is right there. So you can watch it burn We're gonna watch the house burn from the house. What it is to burn!

Finch. Shout out. How does it look right now? Right. I check the cameras. Can I? Yes, we need service. Ian, do you have Wi-Fi? Yeah, yeah. Give me, give me, give me. I don't want to say it live.

Give me, give me, give me. I need some more. Give me, give me, give me. I need some. Are you a punk rocker and a moon stopper? I grew up a skateboarder. Yeah, I was a real skateboarder. He's a kid's up too. Oh, God. Yeah, are you a punk rocker and a moon stopper order? Yeah Yeah Yeah, I'm I'm cooler than you think Ian. He's a black belt. Well tell it to your voice Yeah, I know hey, oh hey, hey, how are you? I remember I made Nikki P laughing because I was doing dirty Pete Lee It was like oh geez. Yeah, I'm to choke you within an inch of your life. You like that? You dirty whore. Oh, geez.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was I was talking up with this gal the other day and like, like, you know, when a gal is just like put in, it's like it was like our fourth time having sex that day. And then in like so she's like, like I was like, I'm about to. And like right when I was about to, she's like, like her whole face was like, don't ruin it. You know, don't like, because I was finally about to, right. And I go, oh yeah. And but it was honest and it was earnest and I didn't even hear it. I was just like, oh yeah. And afterwards she's like, I had to try so hard not to laugh because it would have taken you out. Yeah. But I was like, oh yeah. Oh, holy smokes.

Will you say the thing that you said on late night about the accent being a drunk thing? Oh, yeah. I said that I don't even think that Wisconsin people have an accent. I just think that we learn how to talk from drunk adults. Yeah. I think my dad was like. That's where the Australian accent comes from. Listen. Sorry. This is my favorite part.

Right when I first started talking, I knew that he was going to interrupt. I knew you were going to snap at him. And I was like, I was actually waiting for it. I was like, oh, this is going to be great. All right. This is the surf line cam, by the way. Say the rest of it. Say the rest of it. Now I'm interrupting myself.

So I go, I go, the Wisconsin accent is just, we learn, we just learned how to talk from drunk adults. Like my dad was like, do you want me to go to kindergarten? And I was like, LMNOP. Thank you. Oh, it looks fine. I mean, there's a lot of smoke. Yeah. That's all smoke. That's not even like ocean. Why is that's just smoke? Oh, I thought it was just nighttime fog. I'm going to show you guys and I'll like Van Morrison said into the mystic. So I'm going to, I'm going to also send. I'm also going to do a video of your house. Yeah, I have a video.

Let me show you this this tick tock. Is there flames still going? Why aren't the fire department putting it out? Hey, Chris, you guys are bad guys. My wife, she's all like, I'm from Puerto Rican. Like Julissa. Julissa. I was like, Chris, is your girlfriend like he was like, I'm from Puerto Rican. Julissa.

I was like, Chris, is your girlfriend like, he was like, yeah, she says like, and I was like, OK, enough. OK, so this this is a this is a tick tock or this is an Instagram. So this is where the fire is. And then when it pans over here, this is my house right there. Yeah. So that's my house right there. And so it's slowly creeping towards you. It's just yeah. And it's 100 mile an hour wind It's just yeah, and they it's a hundred mile an hour wind so they say that this fire is like a blowtorch because all these all these like LA people that are in our like our

Sphere are like I'm gonna go get an Instagram of the fire and I'm gonna put it online and I'm gonna be like There's literally people like making selfie videos like there's people in Palestine doing that. It's crazy Like there's literally people like making selfie videos like there's people in Palestine doing that. It's crazy Good God Like the BLM marches and everything that there were influencers that were like Yeah, I saw with my very own eyes up at Columbus Circle. There was a woman that asked a guy to borrow a sign She held it up. She was so hot like this got pictures and then gave the guy sign back and left. Oh wow at the bath house There was a girl taking picture herself and we were all like

I'm gonna punch this bitch It was taking her like 15 minutes have you ever seen Eastern promises the fight scene with Viggo Mortison in the bathhouse? No, but he's naked the whole time. I love that movie. I watched it the other night. It's so good It's really good. Good. God. Does he have a peace in it? It's okay. You know what I resent you for? Thinking Mr. Nobody is a good movie. You mean Nobody with Bob Odenkirk. It's Mr. Nobody. It's not Mr. Nobody and I'll bet you all the money in my new wallet that it's true. I think there is a Mr. Nobody but I think that's Jared Leto. It's called Nobody. Oh I have seen Mr. Nobody too. Also bad. Nobody is a good movie. Bob Odenkirk.

It's not. Can I tell you when Rizza Israel Palestine saved my comedy seller career? I was I was going, this was like it right at the start of my divorce and I was pretty drunk and I'm in the lounge, right? And it was the worst crowd. They, Simeon Goodson was the host and they gave him nothing. Best host in the game. He's really great. And they gave him nothing.

I go up and they're giving me nothing. I'm. OK, I'm bombing my dick up and in and like I was like it was it was a set that was so bad, not for any terrible reasons, but so bad that in my head I'm like, I'm going to be unpassed now. I've been pastor for years and this set

is going to get me unpassed. And this gal stands up and she's like a fucking white and and she stands up and she goes free Palestine in the middle of my bomb and and I go what the fuck did this bomb make you think of Palestine? I wish I would have said that but instead I go I go what the fuck I go I go I'm having the worst side of my life and then you made it worse I'm like and I go I go by the way I I go, I don't know what to do about that situation, but I go neither do fucking

you. And I go, how are you involved? I go, are you Palestinian? Are you Israeli? And she goes, no, I got a Columbia university and we've and a lot's been going on there. And I go, well, okay, that's cute. And I, and, and I called her a word that I've never said on stage. I go, you're a cunt. I go, you're a cunt. And I called her a word that I've never said on stage. Say it. I go, you're a cunt. Yeah. I go, you're a cunt.

I go, do you think that the people being blown up in Gaza are going, oh my god, I'm so happy that Hunter is marching at Columbia University? I go, and by the way, you don't go there because you care. And she goes, I do care. I go, no, you go there because afterward Kyle fingers you and he's Jewish or he's Palestinian or whatever. And she like got so mad and she like stormed out and whatever. And I called her several more times.

And I was like, and by the way, I stand with Israel. And like, I just said that, I just said that like as she was walking out, because she was like free Palestine. I just, dude, to be be honest it's a nuanced situation it's fucking horrible um uh but like have you ever just been so mad at any somebody that you're like I'm just gonna say this oh yeah of course oh yeah yeah oh yeah and um and I was like but after that I was like oh I'm definitely unpassed from the seller I go I go what it I go around, but I go around the corner and Noam and Esti are there. And I was like, oh God.

And they're like, we heard you stuck up for Palisade, or we heard you stuck up for Israel. And I was like, yes, I did. And I was like, I was like, it's just something that I believe in so much that I could not tolerate anyone speaking out for Palisade. And it was like, yeah, I mean, like I said, it's way more nuanced and I'm like, I don't want anybody listening to this to think that I'm taking a position. I want you to understand who's a career move only. We've taken both positions, every other position, the worst positions.

Dude, you know how many Ubers I ride in where like they're talking about it and they're like, well, it's just a tragedy. And I'm just trying to guess which side and what whichever so I'm an army I totally agree every time you get in and they're like the immigrants and I'm like are good And they're like dude this Chinese guy picked me up the other day He was like weather's bad, and I was like yeah, and he goes Trump gonna fix everything like Let's go brother, and I was just like egging them on you know I was like, yeah. And he goes, Trump gonna fix everything. And I was like, let's go, brother. And I was just like, egging them on, you know? I was like, what else? What else?

I met a girl at the dog park. Just not believing anything, just wanting the craziness to come out. I met a girl at the dog park that works in the new school. And she was like, I'm just like really exhausted from the Palestine stuff. And I was like, oh, why? And she's like, well, because it's all self-imposed and I need a personality. Because all of us did a protest where we slept over at the school. And I was like, so you're saying that you feel bad because you had a little bit

too long of a slumber party. So you had a sock hop. Yeah. And then we ran out of popcorn. Yeah. I was like, did your little brown hand get burned off? I spilled bug juice in my sweeping bag. I had a crying fit on stage last night where I was literally had mascara running down my face. I was laughing so hard. Like a laugh and crying because I was there was a German woman in the front row and she was just like staring at me the whole time. Not breaking at all was just like arms crossed until finally I was like, Hey, what's going on with you?

And she's like, I am German. And then I did this whole act out about having loose skin on my belly before I got it removed and like was doing this whole thing, like using my hoodie. And then I like, and then I was like, this is like the perfect depiction of American woman versus German. She's just like beautiful with baby bangs being like, fuck you pig.

And I'm being like, and then it was so laughing. It was so, and then we were all cracking up cause it was, I was like going so over the top to try and break her She did not break once. I got her boyfriend. She did not break. Oh, oh, that's great It was I was like writhing in her face Leaving you were at the bar, right? Oh Cuz I saw it was you would have known because I was like literally I was like crying was that the 930 show Yeah, cuz I did that one because I was running around doing my Tonight Show set.

And I remember that lady. You're not doing the Tonight Show again? Jesus Christ. You owe me two cokes. Yo, what is going on? Hey, we would love we have a clean five. Michael Cox, please. Stop with his cocks.

Okay. Bombed in front of you a couple of months ago. Just have some diversity, okay? But I can do it, man. It's crazy. Anyway, that's great for you. Dude, I swear to God. Hey, Michael, these two are my favorite comedians.

Will you please book them? Yeah, Jesus. I swear to God, dude, he showed up early. He's done it like 16 times. To see Nathan McIntosh, and I was going up first, and Nathan was like later in the lineup. I was like, oh, are you hanging out? He goes, yeah, I figured I'd watch a show. I'm like, all right.

I went to the bathroom, looked myself in the mirror. I was like, dude, show them what you got. I'm like, what? I watched a show. I'm like, all right. I went to the bathroom, looked myself in the mirror. I was like, dude, show them what you got. You can do it. You deserve it. I went on stage and the first joke like filed it. I go, you know what? Fuck you people and fuck this. I'm, I'm going to do something I'm not going to do. I'm trying to impress fucking Michael Cox in the back. Oh, let me do the tonight show. I can do clean. I'm not a clean comic. And that's fine. And every single one of you can suck my fucking cock. Yeah. And I don't speak of a sucking cock. I do that too. And that's who I am. And I'm not going to change myself so that I can get on fucking TV and

that's what he people watch it. Fuck you. I say to say, I, on the other hand, am perfectly level headed. Well, I went up to a manager and I was like, dude, I blew it. He goes, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen. And I was like, cool. Goodbye. I didn't want to like talk anymore. I guarantee he loved that because

Michael also will never say anything that he doesn't mean. And like when he if he walked up and was like, dude, I loved that. I guarantee you loved that. And he's going to look at you and he's going to look at your real set cause he thought that was so funny. Every time I try to go clean and do a,

like here's what you want. I hate myself. And I just eat shit. It's called writing good jokes. You're such a fucking cunt. Oh, I was on stage. I was like, my fat is sticking. Blah, blah, taking blah blah blah blah fucking

You just said exactly what I said again. Yeah, that wasn't a good that wasn't writing good jokes We can oh, no, that's a very good. That's it. Ethan, right? You just saying if you want if you're doing clean just write clean jokes you enjoy doing I know but I don't have them I don't have clean jokes. I like doing in that's what I'm saying I only want to do what I enjoy and and I fucking have a clean set and it'll blow you out of the water you fucking Andy bitch Insult and you say to me all the time raggedy Andy is not an insult And not but raggedy and was a redhead

Like a Ugly doll well It's also just like a doll. Raggedy Andy is like a ugly doll. Well Raggedy Andy and Andy were... Oh, she's a sweet, sweet doll that people love. Well, you are a sweet, sweet doll and I'm just acting out because you were mean to me. I'm giving you advice. I didn't ask for advice. I am a good joke writer. If you don't like, you are a good joke writer, but if you don't like your clean jokes, that

means you don't like telling them. I don't. Which means they're probably bad. I feel that way. No, that's you putting your fucking stink on it. They're not fucking bad. Well, I don't like, when I write clean jokes, they're usually bad. I feel that way. No, that's you putting your fucking stink on it. They're not fucking bad. Well, I don't like when I write clean jokes, they're usually bad. I don't don't try to backdoor your way into making me

feel bad about taking umbrage with what you just said. Okay, fine. Want me to do what you always do? Hey, I love you. I love you too. Oh, I've never felt more like I'm playing a therapist in an improv scene in my life. I've never felt more like I'm playing a therapist in an improv scene in my life. This feels so like an expand on this. Expand on your raggedy Andy and what we do is that like it's an insult. What if we do a challenge where we both challenge each other to go clean sets and have a race to see who gets on tonight's show first?

One, two, three, go. All right. We're going to send this clip. I'm like, we're going to send this clip to Michael Cox and I'm going to go just so you know, there's two people that are competing for this and there's a, there's a contest that you didn't create, Michael, that they are going to win. Hopefully late night. Like I did it and I don't like it. Yeah. It's, it makes me feel like I'm being disingenuous to myself. I'm being disrespected doing something. It makes me feel like I'm being disrespected.

Doing something that they want, that I don't want, and I'm curbing my act into something that'll fit this thing that I don't belong in anyway. I did it and I didn't curve my act, but it was, I had to do Corden to do it. But you also did Corden, and that's way more lenient. The Tonight Show is so clean it's like so clean now. Yeah. It's like so sterile. Like I.

But you're good. No, I can do that. No, I can do that. You're good sterile. I can do that. He's really good sterile. You're good sterile. Brian Regan, one of my favorite comics, Sterile as Hell.

Yeah. What's the deal with being sterile? You don't want your sterile and people are like, you're sterile. That's exactly. That's exactly it. That's my rhyme rigging. Oh, I'm sterile, look at me. I'm stupid and sterile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, but yeah, you do write clean, but then you do dirty by night. I make sure that I write enough jokes, like per year, that I can do five minutes. But now, so my ex-wife actually had a really good idea. She was like, she noticed that people that came up to my show. She had a really good idea. I'm leaving you.

She had a really good idea. Marrying me was not one of them. But she had a really good idea that she's like, dude, because we'd be at the merch table and people would come up and they'd be like, I watched the Tonight Show and I don't normally laugh ever, but I laughed once at your thing. And because she was just noticing that my crowds sucked. Like my crowds fucking sucked because they were all people that liked clean comedy. And she's like, Pete, you are not like you don't necessarily like to do clean comedy. So she's like, a lot of your stuff that you post online, your crowd work, your whatever. She's like, it should include some,

include some swears be dirty, be edgy. And I started noticing that I was losing followers and for a while I was getting the last people coming to my shows, but now it's built back up and I'm selling out shows and it's all fun people. So I like my whole goal of the last year was to get rid of the not fun people. I like clean comedy. By the way, I love, I love Nate Barghetti. I went to his special taping, his Netflix one. It's fucking brilliant. It's so awesome. But I just saw a clip of him where Kevin Hart was trying to get him to say the F word and he's like, I don't curse. I don't curse. And in my head I was like, lame.

But his nickname was Red State Nate back when he lived in New York. Yeah, exactly. He was like such a cussie guy. He was a cussie. I don't know. I honestly don't know if I've ever heard him cuss, but like, yeah, I don't know. I just don't want I don't want people coming to my show that are like, I like that he doesn't cuss. Yeah. But on the Tonight Show, like the set that I'm doing, it's difficult right now because

I, you know, tonight I'm going to run around, I I'm gonna do nine shows and I'm gonna run it. And- Nine. Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine!

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Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! hit as many stages as I can. But it's wild because, you know, like last night

I went up at the Fat Black Bar and they had seen a long show, a really good show, and then Louis went up for like a half an hour to run all of his stuff, and he was like, I'm at the end, this is the end of the night, I don't have to, you know, where. And then they were like, do you wanna go up there for Louis?

I'm like, yes, absolutely, because my set had been going really well and I wanted to expose all the cracks in it. Yeah. Fix them. Yeah. And so today I had to do like a lot of soldering with the set because it went well after Louie. And then after I got off, I went and talked to Louie and, and he's like, he's like, man, that was really cool that you wanted to run your set after my long half an hour. And I go, yeah, I go, I wanted it to go up and bomb as hard as it could. And then you can get comfortable

with the uncomfortability of it. I sweat through my sweat. Last night, Louis was there and I was like, Louis, I'm really running like the weakest part of my hour right now to get it good. Please don't watch. He got up, stood in the back of the room and I did the whole thing.

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Enjoy the rest of the show. I really like him and yeah, he's been so nice to me. It was like right after he got canceled, he came to one of, he was just on the road and I was on the road and then my show got done and he like brought me pizza. He's like, hey, I got you a pizza and we can eat pizza together.

And I had another show that- And you're opening his cock and sticking out of a big sausage pizza. It's my dick in a box. And he's stroking it and blocking the door or whatever. Which by the way, it was so funny how people took part of Matt Lauer's story and made it part of Louie's. Like he never blocked the door.

Oh yeah, no. He never blocked the door. Yeah. God, I hate people. I hate how people will just like say lies that are detrimental to people. Oh yeah. With no remorse. But yeah, I was like, I said to him, I go, I go, hey, do you want to go up on the next

show? And by the way, I didn't really know that he was there until like I was selling merch and people were like, was Louie CK just sitting and watching your show? And I was like, was he? I'm like, oh, that's fun. I'm like, I. I was like was he I'm like, oh, that's fun I'm like I knew he was in town I'm like, oh, I wonder if I'm gonna get to see him tonight and people were like what half the people were just like like traumatized because Like like what he did was just a link to their trauma, right? And then and you have those clean

Yeah, the clean people and also what he did got so bastardized into then people saying it was assault and rape and people were like it's a workplace hazard to have him in a comedy club and I'm like dude that's not a workplace. Do you really think someone's going to like whip their cock out in a green? Shut the fuck up. My dad got crushed by a train at work. That's a workplace hazard. There were protesters outside of show and I walked up to him and I was like, what do you want from him?

Like what would be ideal? And they're like, an apology. And I was like, okay, he gave that. And they're like, well, and I was like, just think about, what is that? You must, if you're protesting, there must be something that you want from him. Yeah.

And they were like. Wasn't it Sarah Silverman or her sister that was like, yeah, I went on the road with him. He does jerk off. He asked me and said, you can be in the room or you can leave, but I'm going to jerk off. And there were some days I was in the room. Some days I left. It was totally respectful. Totally. And then that story got fucking buried. I think it was Sarah herself said, yeah, he's jerked off. Yeah, they're really good friends. And like, I don't know, like, I think she

was like, yeah, okay. And the protesters, I was doing this week at the Comedy Seller and they were like, who could interview one of these protesters and not just shit all over her? And they're like, Pete, Pete Lee would do it. And so I had to sit down, interview this protester. It never aired. But the weirdest thing was that like I'd seen Louie all week and I wanted to go, hey, Louie, I got to go do this thing. I feel like I'm like I'm betraying our friendship. A long time ago, back when he was still doing the clubs,

I opened for him and he was really kind to me. He gave me some of the best comedy advice that I've ever, he told me to go study at the UCB. I did all the levels of sketch and improv because he told me to. Because if you look at his standup, he's not just doing a standup, he's doing a one man sketch. He's almost doing a one man Harold

and the last punchline always rolls into the next thing and it's beautiful. But anyway, so I interviewed this protester and the next night I was talking to him and he's like, he goes, well, what was the big thing? What does she want? And I go, well, she wanted you to not do comedy ever. She wanted you to just completely

abandon your purpose in life because, you know. And then and then that happens and they go, OK, on to the next thing. You know, it has no consequence in their own life. It's just this puritanical fucking power grab where they want the power. It's so disgusting. I mean, it's correct. It was three people. I have so many female friends and when I opened for them, it was like one in 200 would be like,

people that I met would be like, oh wow, how do you feel about that? And that was the most, it was like, and they've organized each, it's them and them. Something happened years ago that like opened my eyes to all this and just how fleeting it is and how it's just such a fucking, almost like a grab for community because people still feel so like lost and they just

want something to like make them feel as if they have some form of control for one fleeting moment in their life. I was in Seattle I was staying at my friend Sloan's place and there was a Native American tapestry on the wall framed and I was standing there I was looking at it and there was this like party girl at the house named Paige and she came up and she was like, Do you remember me? That's I, you know me. I have a weird memory. And she was like, that's so fucking terrible that they're appropriating and exploiting this. I go,

It's literally Native American art in a frame. I know. I think it's nice. It's celebrating and commemorating culture and the people that have been, you know, genocidally taken out of our country. And I think it's beautiful. And I'm sitting here celebrating it and seeing how beautiful it is. And she goes,

You're right, we should throw it in a storage facility and let it rot. She goes, yeah, I guess you're right. Whatever, do you want to go do coke in the bathroom? And I was like, that was just an entry point to God. She goes, yeah, I guess you're right. Whatever. Do you want to go do coke in the bathroom? I was like, that was just an entry point to talk. And she was taking a swing, trying to like build some sort of thing based off of a mutual hatred. And when you don't bite, they're like, yeah, it doesn't even matter. Let's go do something else. That's what's the funniest thing about opening for Louie is people would go like this.

Girls would be like, I'd be like, yeah, I open for Louie. And they go, oh, so that's girls be like I'd be like yeah open for Louie and they go oh, so that's like and I'd be like What what do you well that's like and they're waiting for me to make a decision so they can side with me Yeah, you're like do you want me to finish your sentence about your opinion? Yeah, that's how fragile their opinions are yeah, is that they won't even just say them to you well, dude I told you about that punisher that showed up at the improv and I thought was like your assistant, you know, that like big black girl.

Can you hear this in the thing? It is really satisfying. Satisfy yourself. And I swear to God, dude, I was at the store and I was wearing my friend's band shirt, this band Nothing. Shout out, Nikki. And there's a Kool-Aid man on it and it's purple and it's like it's a rip off of this band Power nothing. Shout out, Nikki. And there's a Kool-Aid man on it and it's purple and it's like it's a rip off this band Power Trip. It's their original shirt. Right. And so I am sitting

around and she comes up and she goes, wow, I low key feel like your shirts racist. And I go, why? And she goes, because it's a Kool-Aid man full of purple drink. And I go, oh, yeah. Yeah. And I go, I go, Oh, hey, uh, did you think it was racist? Someone goes, no, I go, did you? They go, no, I go, did you? And, and, uh, they go, no. And I go, I think there's something inside of you that wanted it to be racist because that gives you something to talk about and a personality. And she goes, what? And I go, plus I'm racist. And she was like, see you later. Dude, there was a guy back when I lived in Arizona, there's this guy in the, in the condo, in the condo above us that he, he was a Jewish man, but he also was cooking meth.

We love it. SD thanks for all the spots this week. Yeah, we love you. We love Israel. This man was a Jewish man. He also had a meth lab above my condom, which by the way, very dangerous. Very, very dangerous. There was a meth bubble that came down above our shower. He was dumping it into the bathtub and the meth juice ate away at the pipes. And there was a meth bubble that we ended up having to have meth cleaners come up and do this. that we ended up having to have meth cleaners come up and do this. Meth cleaners? There's a meth cleaner? No, there's literally cleaning services where you have to go, there are meth people. Or not meth people, but meth cleaners.

In Arizona, it's big business. This was in Arizona? This was in Arizona. Oh yeah, breaking bad. This is part of my dark cloud. But anyway. It's just a meth bubble. So I hear him beating his girlfriend upstairs.

The dark cloud is a meth bubble. And you know that I can't wait to fight. Right. Yeah. So I basically like like like I don't kick down his door. But like I just I just go upstairs and I go in there and everybody in our age always like you better not go in there. You might be in danger. And I'm like, oh, this is going to be fun. And I come into his house and he had just put his girlfriend's head through the door. She's leading. She's got whatever.

And I'm like, oh, I'm going to kick his ass. And he goes, he goes, you're anti-Semitic. And I go, oh, you bet I am. I just kept walking towards him. I'm not anti-Semitic, by the way. But that is one of the funniest things to say to somebody that thinks that that's going to be a Trump. Head through wall with meth lab leaking into your apartment. He's worried about anti-Semitism. So I didn't even hurt him, but I pulled him outside. I literally like he was so he was so frail because of the math and yeah, I literally like grabbed both of his wrists and just dragged him outside. And and then I called the cops. I'm like I'm like like stuffing his face into the dirt calling the cops. Cops come they see the interview the girl.

We get him thrown in prison for the math and the girls face. And then we girls face and then we bought his condo. So if you ever want to get bargain basement real estate, find a meth lab, get the person thrown into jail, physically throw them out of their house and then buy it for nothing and then have the meth cleaners come in. I would love to plant meth labs on people and plants as I want. What are you looking at? The lava lamp has tiny bubbles today. It has tiny bubbles. Oh, is that bubbles?

It's just a little tiny. Don't worry, they gonna get bigger bubbles. Wait, you went in, dragged a man out, had his face in the thing, and did your wife see it? She, yeah, well she came out, and everybody like she- How do you get divorced when women are seeing you be so alpha? And did your wife see it? She, yeah, she, well she came out and uh, but everybody- How do you get divorced when women are seeing you be so...

Alpha? I can't get into details. I can't imagine you rubbing someone in the dirt. Be like, oh boy, you're in trouble now. This is the story last night where he grabbed somebody's, he grabbed somebody's hand and just used, used, what's it called? Uh, it's called Hup Keto. Hup Keto!

Steven Seagals type thing. Yeah. I watched,als type thing. Yeah. Yeah. I watched Al for Justice yesterday. I don't know how many times she's going to wait. Wait, Ian. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a whole martial art of breaking risks. You know Hup Keto? Yeah, I have a black belt in it.

Yeah. Black belt and Hup Keto. Hup Keto me. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt me. Other hand, my shoulder's messed up. Okay. So here, I'm going to go. I'm going to put my girlfriend through a wall. There you're not good at this. Yeah, I have a mic.

Ha. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm kidding. The whole object of a kiddo is to get someone to spill coffee on a horn. He caught your leg!

You nailed it! You caught my leg! I did, I did. I caught it with my mic leg. Can I feel it a little? Just a little? Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, did I hurt your wrist? The... Hop Keto! Hop Keto!

Hop Keto! It only works if you say Hop Keto.. Hop-kito. It only works if you say hop-kito. It's hard to do. It only works. But yeah. Oh, there's a spider. Hop-kito. Because, ow, ow, ow, ow. You literally, like if you do it too hard.

Like Ian, yours, like I initially did it like gently because like you can really break wrist bones really fast. So how do you make it that they flip? Cause he makes, Steven Seagal makes people flip. Well that's like. Hop that's like, I mean, technically that would involve a little. Oh, do we have a napkin? It would involve a stuntman because it's not real.

Well, it would. Yeah, it also would involve a guy using his calves when you don't see it to jump. But no, I like I. That's so cool. You you provided resistance. There's a lot of people do like if they they go, they'll show me and I, I lightly go like this. And then all of a sudden you were like this. And then you tried kicking me and I was like, but, uh, and then, and then I was like, all right,

let's just set them down on the couch. And, um, uh, was that hole in your jeans before our interaction? Did you, did you have a nut hole before that? Did I not hole your jeans? With my, with my martial arts? You didn't hop keto the hole? No. No, they're like that. And I just rode my bike all day yesterday.

We did knock down my stalker's mom. Oh boy. Oh boy. I'm going to die. Wait, how did he first start stalking you? That was my question. And Ian probably... Oh, Annie Letterman was involved.

I was sitting by the pool. This is your stalker's mouth. Oh, my son's a failure. Oh, come fight me through Pete. Oh, he's crazy. Yeah. I mean, he, so Annie Letterman and my ex, my ex ex were at the pool and he skateboards by wearing, it's the middle of summer, rainbow speedo

and snowboarding goggles. And Annie is like, come over and talk to us. And I was like. And then he was like, whoa, he's like, I'm a fan of yours, Annie. And then he's like, whoa, you're P. Lee, I'm a fan of yours. So imagine that he's only stalk women,

he's only hurt women. And then he sees a guy that like my Persona is like I'm the nicest guy which by the way like one of the ways that I am the nicest guy is I'm not afraid of people. Yeah, I literally can walk over and just be like yeah, let's be friends and You could smell the hop keto on you. Well like I think you're on the hop keto diet I'm not going up to other men going I'm afraid I'm like, I'm like, hey buddy How's it going? Yeah, and There I should be yeah Yeah, and I kill them with kindness and whatever and but anyway, so like I just stopped real quick

Yes, thank you for not blowing that my face. Well, it was a deep one You usually do. Oh, is that a burp? She usually coughs and burps on me that a burp? She usually coughs and burps on me. Oh, I'm Kato. No, no. All I want is to all I want is to for something that we've done to end up being a clip, because every time a clip comes up with you guys on on Instagram, I just fucking love it. There's so much energy this podcast. I love the dynamic between you two.

Yeah, I like I love that. This is like the couch, like the couples on the couch with Harry met Sally, you know, except for you guys are abusive. Yeah. And you're not a couple. And and I love it. I love you. Okay, wait, can he go back to telling his story or did you want to say more stuff?

Okay, I would like to say. Yeah, go ahead. I'll play you a tune. What? What? So you were by the pool. Just here's what I do when I need to focus. Hold on, rub it, go ahead. I'll play you a tune when you're... So you were by the pool. Just here's what I do when I need to focus. Hold on, rub it, touch it, feel its ears, feel its tail while you listen. Give it a shot.

Look at how... He's triggered after that. He can't listen longer than 30 seconds because of the ADHD. Anyway, so then Annie was like, no, come in and hang out with us. And I'm like, Annie, don't. I'm like, I have to live here. And I could just, I could sense the weirdo vibes. And like the New Yorker in me, which she lived in New York for a long time, and she's like, yeah, I sense the weirdo vibes too. And I wanted to make this weird for you.

I was like, fuck you, Annie. And then it started out, he started like leaving me gifts. He started like, at one point he put a gun scope in my mailbox, which is actually- Really expensive. And then he sent me, it's very expensive, but it's also like a federal crime to leave a gun part in somebody's mailbox. What was his reasoning behind that?

He he was sending me over 100 Instagram messages a day and it would go. It would be like, I love you. Well, why you're like, I just feel like we're kindred spirits. We're friends. And I never responded. I get some. And then and then it would be like, why aren't you responding? I hate you. Fuck you. And then it was it would be like it'd be like why aren't you responding? I hate you fuck you. Yeah, and then it was like it was like check your mailbox motherfucker And then it was like done scope and I was like, okay We're gonna start the restraining order process and I started it out be hard to shoot you that that scope though

Yeah, I sure yeah I actually I don't have the scope which is which sucks because now that I own guns, I'm like, Oh, that's a really nice guy. You own guns. Oh yeah. I love guns. Dude. I love guns too. They're the best.

They're so fun. Yeah. I wish we could all you can own them in New York, but then you can't use them. You can't carry in public on the subway in bars. It's sporting events in anywhere you could get assaulted. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't have guns around. You're only for hunting grossly misinformed. Go ahead. But yeah, so, so then I started the restraining order process. That's when things really popped off. And then things got bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Why? Cause he

was like, now you really pissed. Yeah. Because he went from, so is it crazy that restraining orders almost do more harm than good because there's no consequence if you break it? It's almost like, don't do that again, buddy. Yeah, because, but now he knows that breaking it is going to be really bad for him, which is good. So do you kind of want him to break it? No, no.

Why don't you give your dates? Yeah, if you want to break, come to Dayton, Ohio, the funny bone next weekend. The weekend after that come to Naples, Florida to off the hook comedy. Oh boy. Oh yeah. That place is a dark cloud. Great staff. Good guys. Great staff. Love Captain Brian. I got T-Bone down there. Yeah. You did get into a horrendous car crash that wasn't nearly as bad as you said it was. Oh damn it was. But. That's my neck brace over there by the way.

Oh shit. He didn't need it. Oh, did you wear it for the podcast? Aesthetics only. Did you, did you, did you like just tilt his neck a little bit? A bunch? Oh no, no, no. What she did was she brought a guy who was in a horrific car crash, a burn victim to

show me now that's what a real car crash victim was like. Burn victim was sitting here? Uh huh. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Very funny comedian. Keegan Tindall shout out.

Ian, I want to know this because this is like a beautiful set that you've built in your basement. Thank you. Are there any B and Ian with Jordan fans that they're like, I want to fuck you on set. And like, have you done weird shit right here? Yes, but I haven't., and I won't I don't want to disrupt the sanctity of this couch. I had anal here once oh No, I'm kidding wait you are Which part were you because I know you go both ways I didn't know

Okay, so there's diversity And I 69 where little Ethan sits. That's the top couch. This is the bottom couch. No, I've never done that down here, please. I would not disrupt the sanctity of our space. This set is really great. This is what I want to build in my house if it doesn't burn down. Thank you. He did it in his divorce. Yeah. My ex left me and instead of going into a massive depression,

I said, I'm going to get really successful and shove it in her face so she can't go anywhere without seeing me. You just said I'm going to put a lot of wood paneling up and one thing led to the other. True. You didn't have big dreams. You were like, I have the sticky stuff that goes on the walls. Oh, this is the sticky stuff because this looks really good.

Yeah. And it looks like I had to ask you and I'm sitting right next to it. Oh, thanks. This is really good. And it looks like, I had to ask you and I'm sitting right next to it. But this is absolutely tremendous. To hang stuff on the wall, did you use nails? Or you see some thumbtacks? Thumbtacks, scotch tape, you know. Yeah, I really wanna.

This looks like shit, what you've done over here. I like it cause it gives shout outs to friends' bands. I like that you have the Ghostbusters pack. Thank you. That's great. I appreciate that. Yeah. This is a segment called What's in the Room?

Hmm. Yes. And this is Jordan's little guy's corner. Oh, is that a cheech? We keep getting more stuff that we need to put up. We got some more stuff back here. Yeah. This guy Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's our little guy.

I had to hide him from a dog. And we got this over here. It's a tiny motorcycle. You heard I got for Jordan for Christmas, but she left it in the basement. Here you go. You don't deserve it. She disrespect. Is that the Amazon box that it came in right there? Still? No, no, no. This is too much hair.

The box I used for making our stockings for Christmas. still. No, no, no. This is too much hair. The box I used for, um, uh, making our stockings for Christmas. Okay. And what is the auto blow ultra? Well, I'm glad you asked. The auto blow ultra is a great blow job machine. It's a milking machine. It doesn't look like that. We dismembered it. Yeah. Does it, um, it sucks your dick. That really is a dick sucking machine. Wait, do we have the lips still? Where did our lips go? Does it go electronically or do you have to pump it? You have to hand crank it because I'd rather just use my hands.

The lips are in it? Show them the lips, the mouth. Sam Morell has a great bit about about how they sponsor them, but they only gave them one which is really... You didn't do anything you swear. I've never used it. Oh my god, those are actual lips. That's funny. Jordan, that's so funny that they're just nude colored lips. Yeah, just hit him.

Hapkido! Hit him with the throat. You just got esophagus. Here Jordan, you know what to do. Come on. Blow into it. Can you do a little bit of- Yeah, we'd love to do the Tonight Show.

Can you do a little bit of Titanic with that? What if we did a duo act for the Tonight Show? That'd be fun. That would be really fun. That would be good. They should have said- I think that you guys- I think that you guys are going to be like, oh my God, I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that.

I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. I'm going to do a little bit of Titanic with that. What if we did a duo act for the Tonight Show? That'd be fun. That would be really fun. That would be good. They should. I think that you guys I think you guys

could easily come up with two and a half minutes clean both. And I think I read. Wait, what? It's ribbed. That's ribbed for her pleasure. He's never put his penis in there. I swear. No. Hold on. Let's let's make it fantasy

land. Elf years. What can we do as a duo act? Just this kind of stuff? Yeah yeah yeah. I think you guys just go out there. Oh it's like fucking a bat. Oh my god, that's amazing. Wait that's a that's a if you can make this work Here I'll Ready? Yeah. No way cuz you need vibrations I'll ready. Yeah, no way. Because you need vibrations. Jordan, I got to be honest, you he's never put his dick in there.

And because you wanted me to put my hand in there and then you're literally putting your mouth where the come go deposits. I've never done it. And people like, why don't you use it? I'm like, it's disgusting and it's loud and it's like, and it looks like a woman's mouth yeah there's no mustache on it you would have to have there's no stubble I would have to be watching porn with noise

cancelers so I didn't hear the oh yeah there would have to be so much electronics going on along side of it yeah no near Far, wherever you are, I believe that I'll go on. One time a boy who had a crush on me left a message on my... Could you imagine guidance counselors back when we were in school going, how do you want to make money when you're older? And you're like, I think we're going to be putting ears on a flashlight and singing a

song and monetizing it as an entry way into the tonight show. And this is going to be part of how I get on the tonight show. And your guidance counselor will be like, what's going to, what's the tonight show going to be then? It's, uh, it's going to be, uh, a certain amount of people are going to watch it on TV, but most of them are going to watch it on their phones on the bus. Yeah. And I'd say also, fuck you, Miss Doyle, for saying I could only get into my safety schools. You dumb rickety bitch.

What's wrong with getting your safety school, asking for a friend? She no, no, she was like, you shouldn't apply to these other schools. You're really going to have to concentrate on safety safety schools and I got into 11 out of 13 schools I applied to suck my damn right Get over here! This right here is a Kristen Wiig character. This is totally like, I'm Kristen Wiig and I share a birthday, August 22nd with Pee-D Um, by the way, I love you, Kristen Wiig. I rode on an airplane next to her one time on my birthday.

Yeah. And I was like, it's my birthday. And she's like, it's my birthday. And this was when she was like, you know how we have friends that are cast members on SNL? We're like, this person is a cast member on SNL and we have to tell people that. And that's like the level of cast member that she was when I rode on a plane with her. I just did that today at the bathhouse.

We ran into Longfellow. Oh, really? They're yeah. Longfellow Deeds. Yes. Longfellow Deeds. I'm I'm very proud of everybody. All my friends that are on that show. I've I've never had more friends on a show that I don't watch. Oh, yeah. I've never had more friends on a show that wish they weren't on a show. Yeah. Yeah.

Dream for everyone else. And they're like, I'm living in hell. It's also like like every episode that I do watch, I see all of my friends jokes that they've written that they've stolen. And so people people always go to me, they're like, where can I see your comedy? I'm like, probably on SNL. I don't know. I just saw that the other day. I saw a Louis joke snatch that he's been doing.

That's like a new joke. And I was like, God damn. Yeah. It's it's awful how much they steal jokes and put them on that show. And there's just nothing you can do about it. And comedian. Oh, yeah. You mean the packets? Dude, the packets. I had something that was like so clearly my thing repackaged on this show. And then it went nowhere. But it's you feel helpless to be like, that's mine. And they're like, well, what's the proof? Like, like Janice and Dasit with Marcello. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's it. That was the thing of like, he that was his. But then it's like, he had this character named Marika who was a transsexual from the Lower East Side and the catchphrase was like, that's it. And Marcelo was on and his catchphrase was, that's it. But then it's like, well, Giannis was doing this, but then it's like, well, it's also like a Dominican thing. And then like, you can't really prove it. But at the same time, it's like, that's what he was known for for years. Like the Ted Alexander joke and all this fucking crazy shit.

And then the thing that's awesome is Marcelo probably wasn't even the one pitching it, but then Marcelo probably didn't even know it. Marcelo probably was told to do it. He was told to do it. Exactly. And he was like, that's hilarious. And he was like, yeah. Yeah.

And then like once he found out about it, or if he did find out about it, who knows if he has, like people will be like, I don't know. Wait, oh, Jordan, I need to talk to you about this. The Zanies wall, I did a crowd work thing, I posted it, and then it was all about how like it's stone that goes behind an oven or whatever. I don't, and so everybody's like, you stole this from Jordan.

And did I? I think, all right, so I went on your feed because I was like, I was trying to find the stone wall behind you, because I was like, I wanna go look at it. I was like, I wanna go look at it. I was like, I wanna go look at it. I was like, I wanna go look at it.

Because I also wanted to see if I liked that post a long time ago. And like, of course, of course, because I like a lot of your posts. And I'm being very, there's no way that if you have any homeowner capacity or any history of developing a kitchen that you would look at that and not go backsplash backsplash. It's literally backslash tile. And I talked to James Webb, who put it up, and he was like, it's backsplash tile. You didn't steal it.

It's just that's how bad it is. It's so clearly, it's a really bad tile. We all know it's backsplash tile. I wanted to go see yours. What the fuck is backsplash tile? It's backsplash tile. It's backsplash tile. It's backsplash tile.

Anybody who's an alpha knows it better than me. No, that's what it looks like. It's a, back, back. It's back, back, back. Anybody who's alpha knows it back, back, back. It's back, back, back. No, that's what it looks like. It's a Harley story. You know that you got that from a Home Depot. Like, yeah, totally. But like, I don't, I still wanna go, if you can somehow send me your,

I wanna see what you said, cause like, I think we- You couldn't find it, it's in there. I scrolled in the- It's deep. I scrolled deep, but like, you know that I find, almost anything that you do, like almost anything that you do like almost anything you do

Deep puck choice Instagram is like is she the love of your life like you like everything that she does and uh and maybe Maybe that's why I got it. We're very similar upbringings. We found we really do we really do and um, but I But anyway, this is bothering me. I do want to see yours so that I can go Guilty, maybe want to see yours so that I can go guilty. Maybe I did see yours. Maybe I did think back. But I also think I just got up there and I was like, you can't look at that without thinking that I had just remodeled the house and I had looked at that tile. And then and then I was like, oh, and for those who don't know, I will tell you, is any tile like that that clicks together like this? Oh, sorry. Is skinny.

People at home know what a backsplash is. How do you not know what a back? No, I know. But there's tile that's square. It's not even like that. It's like shower tile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's clearly a shower tile. You posted the clip though?

Yeah, you're going to get got for that. Well, everybody's going Jordan Jensen, you hacked Jordan Jensen. I'm like, what the fuck? And so I've been trying to find yours to go like, all right, because it's totally possible we both made back splash references, it's a completely different riff, and I just wanna see yours, and if mine, but if mine is exactly the punchline.

What are you planning on doing this in your hour? No. Yeah, is this your tonight show set? But it's just, dude, there's so many dudes, here's the point behind it, I love the TSA security that our fans that are like, I'm gonna go fucking protect her. I'm gonna go comment and say,

if any of you idiots looked at this wall and didn't think of a backsplash, you are betas who have never done any sort of construction in your life. But people don't understand, like if, they don't understand parallel thought. Me and Emma Willman had the same joke about Adderall there being a shortage and we were like,

just tell the Adderall people to take Adderall. That's like on the nose joke. We both took Adderall, we're insane people. But at the same time. Bro, we went to the bath house today and Emma Willman was being more of a rodent than I was and everybody was picking on her and it felt I was like this is it. What do you mean being more of a rodent? Well she was eating with her hands. Eating what? And being a full rodent. Yeah. But I wasn't the rodent in the group for once. Proud of you. Well it's because I didn't have food but I just, it did make me realize.

I take it back. Yeah. You just took it back. I took it's because I didn't have food, but I just it did make me realize I take it back. Yeah Touch black no trade back, but you love Metallica, right? Can I tell you can I tell you a metallic by the way? I so for all the I'm straight as an arrow fella. I mean you can be stroking my dick, not gonna get hard, brother. I don't eat sweets. You say, I don't eat sweets. I don't eat sweets. I had a friend's dad, I offered him a cookie and he goes, he goes, I don't eat sweets.

I'm not gay. And I go, do you think cookies make you gay, Gary? And his name is Gary. And he's like, yeah, he goes, that's how it starts. He also said, this was 10 years ago, he goes, I go, he threw away a plastic bottle on the regular. And I go, no, you gotta put that in the recycling, Gary. And he goes, no, he goes, that's how it starts. He goes, first we're gonna be recycling,

next thing you know, everybody's gay. And then I remember like now- I'm so attracted to whoever that man is. I'm so attracted to that. Dude, it was June and like, you know how Bank of America's logo is gay. Pride, yeah, yeah. And Gary and I were driving you know how Bank of America's logo is gay pride. Yeah. And Gary and I were driving through my hometown and we drove past the gay

bank. And I was like, oh my God, Gary's right. Like we started recycling. Now everybody's gay. Now everything's gay. And I was like, I don't eat sweets is so funny. I don't eat sweets. I love. Dude, the other day I went to a coffee shop and said, hole for recycling landfill. Right. To it in. Look through the holes. Same trash can. Same thing. Yeah, same thing. Oh, can I tell my Metallica story?

Tell Metallica. I love Metallica. Are we are we? No, we're going to go for hours. And then we get a Lenny Marcus is coming. Oh, Lenny Marcus. We love Lenny Marcus. You guys have the happiest man in the world. And Lenny's going to be like, why? Why am I here? What?

I don't understand. You got an Elfie, kill yourself. A table thing's on the table. Alright one Lenny Marcus story really quick. So we're in Aruba. So I've been in Aruba a lot with Aruba Ray. Aruba Ray? Yeah with Lenny and my my ex-wife, this is another good story about her. XX or X? Ex-wife. So we're in Aruba and she's just very sarcastic. And Lenny gets in the elevator and then this family gets on and there's the Aruba race poster. And Lenny just hates everything. And she goes, oh, oh.

And she goes, do you guys like comedy? And they're like, yeah. And she goes, that's him. And just points to Lenny and Lenny's like, oh. And then they were just like questions, questions, questions. And she goes, that's him. And just points to Lenny and Lenny's like, oh, and then they were just like questions, questions, questions. And then we got off on the next floor and he's like, yeah, it was, dude, it was so funny.

We convinced him to do the podcast. I was like begging him to let me start an Instagram for him. I'm so excited. Yeah. He did Lenny back in the day when they had live at Gotham. They like they were always like Lenny do live at Gotham. He's like, I don't want to do a show I don't like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like premium blend for like three years. Everybody's trying to get premium blend. He's like, why would I do? Why would I want to do a bad show? And I was like, so incredible. And I did the show. And then I

was like, he's right. Like nobody watched it. It didn't matter. And anyway, yeah. So Metallica. So my bachelor party and I did all the drugs like like every drug. I think I did on my bachelor party and we went to Metallica. Then we took Def Leppard loaned me their tour bus to go to Vegas. So we took my we took all my drummer from Def Leppard only has one arm. The drummer from the only has one arm. Shout out bloodhound gang. We go to Vegas. Jimmy Papa Lee. More and more drugs, more drugs, more drugs. We like somehow I don't know how I slept a little bit. We go back to like we go back to Metallica at SoFi.

So it's like SoFi, Defo, Defo Lippers tour bus, Vegas, partying all day, like club, club, chain smokers, marshmallow. I was like on stage with marshmallow. Oh, marshmallow. He's a CIA client. So I was like, oh, I got to go. And so anyway, so he's here. Can you go get Lenny?

Thanks. Sorry. He's there. Yeah, don't let him wait outside for 45 seconds. A friend of mine is like a big rock and roller. And he came. I won't name names, but he came to he came to SoFi to join up with my bachelor party and my friends were like, what the fuck? Who? I won't say names. I'll say it afterwards.

I'll say it afterwards. Oh, was it Hinder? It was, it was all of Creed. No, no. So he met me with a arms wide open. No, wait, what? Bruce Springsteen. It's not Bruce Springsteen. But it's somebody that-

Donald Fagan from Steely Dan. Steely Dan himself. It was Steely Dan himself. Jeff Skunk Baxter. So anyway, so he comes and he's like, so Pantera's on and that's like the opening act. And he's like, hey, he's like, hey, I think I can get you backstage to see Metallica. And I was like, okay, yeah, that's really great. Like dude I can't wait to meet Metallica. Oh my god. He goes. Oh, no. He's like you're really coked up

I was like and he goes wait, are you on cocaine and I go I am cocaine I was so dude I was cranked it was my bachelor party No, so the Metallica has a sober backstage because half of them are sober, half of them aren't. They can't let me back there because I am cocaine, right? See, drugs are bad. And so I was, my friend thought that he was going to bum me out and I was just like, dude, that's the coolest thing in the world. And he's like, why are you happy that you can't meet Metallica?

I was like, do you know what, like a nice guy reputation I have? Like I am too on cocaine to meet Metallica. That's like being like, you're too evil to meet the devil. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I was too coked up to meet Metallica. That's awesome. Right. Yeah. And by the way, I just want to be clear. I've done cocaine. I don't do cocaine. I'm going to do it again. Could we all now that could you not do cocaine and we can meet Metallica?

I love Metallica. So they have that person who wants us to go. Oh yeah. But we have to go to like Chicago and stay with them. What? Oh, I told him we'd do it if we meet. I'm kidding. That's such a Seinfeld reason to not meet Metallica. Like, yeah, we want to meet Metallica, but we got to stay with Greg. What if they have those weird things over their tissues that are like those boxes? I hate them. Oh, macrame. No, you know the boxes Those weird things over their tissues that are like those boxes. I hate them. No, you know, the boxes that people put over their tissue boxes. Oh, they do that in hotels.

I hate that. Why would you need to cover a box that's already in a box? Yeah, because when you pull it, the box under the box hits the box on top so that they kind of like the plastic that protects the box that's already on the top. The plastic is not working for decoration for people from Long Island. People have used it to break it out. There's a box on top of the box. He doesn't know anything about that. Only Cox on Cox.

Shout out Michael Cox. Please have a son. Michael Cox. See you soon. Let's do plugs. What do you got? Don't tell specifics because of your stalker. Peele's around.

I'm going to be at home unless it burns down. Then the 17th and 18th, I'm going to be of January, I'm going to be at the Dayton Funny Bone. I'm going to be at the Off the Hook Comedy Club, whatever the week of the 24th or whatever of January. The first weekend in February, I'm going to be at the DC improv. After that, a lot of different places. I have no fucking idea. Go to Pete Lee dot net and look at my tour schedule. I'm going to Europe. I'm going to be there.

But before that, I'm going to be in. Can you look at it? Not my job. I know it's not your job, but I left my phone upstairs. You're going to see me at the end of January in Albany. And then I'm in Syracuse and then I'm in Portland, Maine, Portland, Oregon. I'm going all over the place. Ian finance.com for everything. Wild, happy and free is a special patreon.com slash beanie and pod. Stop Raleigh, Buffalo, Boston, St. Louis, Dublin, London, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm,

Amsterdam, Berlin, Philadelphia, Rochester, Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Tampa, Portland, Oregon, and more. Too much. People don't have ability to- Hey, they hear it. And stop plugging the fucking page. If you- could people that follow them also follow me at peatlype Pete Lee all of Jordans best crowd work. I do it on my Healy peely peely we love you. Thanks for tuning in.'t matter what you say anymore.