Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep130: Sweet Queen W/ Lenny Marcus

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and improve your mental health at https://www.rula.com/IAN Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visit https://www.bluechew.com  Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l  @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Lenny Marcus Here : https://www.instagram.com/lennymarcusnyc/ http://www.lennymarcus.com/LM_Merchandise.htm See Marcus On Tour With Leslie Jones: https://linktr.ee/lesliejonestourdates Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Hey everybody, Syracuse Funny Bone, Albany Funny Bone, Bananas in Jersey. These are the big ones. Empire Comedy Club, Portland, Maine, Helium Portland. Okay? Come out, pack it out. IanFydance.com for tickets. All right? I'll see you there.

PunchUp.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. She's going to Europe. She's going around town. Go see her. Go see me. It's a good time. He he he Okay, and check out my special wild happy free on YouTube right here on the page We love you. I'll see you on the road. Where is that again?

If you haven't turned off yet Good Syracuse funny bone and the next week Albany funny bone bananas in Jersey Portland, Maine Portland, Oregon January February packed out. I'm on the road till God knows when and I'm loving every minute of it It's so come out and fucking hard sell with me at the meet and greet. Okay. Bye Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night

It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian With Jordan! I'm so glad you could do the podcast. Here on the pod is recording. Yeah. Oh, no. Recording for like 15 minutes. Dude, Pete had to tell me about his dead cat and like yet another dead cat. Well, just talk about all that stuff. He keeps the ashes and one wife was like, why do you have the ashes?

He's like, it's a special cat. And I'm like, oh my God, please. I love you. But leave. There's so many sad things. OK, to keep an animal's ashes. I think it's totally fine. Turtley. I think it's turning the fat.

I think it's totally fine to do that. It think it's turnin' the fan to do that. It's almost like when you were younger, you took a turtle's ashes and put them in your ass or something. So just now when I asked you about it, you went, keeping ashes is totally okay. I mean totally okay. Hello, Michelangelo. I had a turtle named Mike that I let go in the lake.

Probably died. Probably, he's not alive anymore. I would- You're here with my favorite comedian, Lenny Marcus. Fuck you. I always say that. I say it to everybody. You started saying it cause I said it. I said it the other night to my friend.

Yeah, I said it. You have to do everything I do. He's my favorite. No, I knew him longer and before you. Yeah, but I say he's my favorite. And then you heard that and started saying it. That's not true. Lenny.

You could both have me, I guess. Lenny Marcus, he doesn't have social media. He's the funniest fucking comic. I got buried one night so deep because of him. He helps out comics with his own. Buried is when you do really well on stage and the person who goes after you has a hard time because he did so good.

He has his own record label and helps out comics. I still get paid to this day from him helping me self-release an album during the pandemic. It saved me. He's the fucking best. We love him. How do you do that? Oh, I thought he was your favorite comedian. Oh, interesting. Well, it all started. I'm totally kidding. Can I put my head on your lap? No. Okay.

It started with Ian. This whole thing started with Ian because I was trying to help him out. Really? In the middle of, in the, when was that? What year? 2020. It was right after the, right at the end of the pandemic.

No, it was, it was literally in April. I spent April until May doing all the what is it? I.R.S.C. coding and everything. Yeah. Yeah. And then I took a friend through it. Yeah. And he got so mad at me because his like he was distro kid and he's

like, they won't respond to my emails. Why did you do this to me? I'm like, dude, fuck you. What happened? He was helping people. It's really hard to get your stuff played on Sirius and distribute it if you don't have a label and know what they're doing.

So I did it all myself and now it's a long, long story, but you need to have a label. So I started my own label to help comics do free. And Ian was like eating out of a garbage can at the time. And I'm like, I love to try and make you a couple of bucks. And it did, it kind of gotten through garbage can well not you know Now he's up now. I'm eating off the way now. I mean off the lid on the can anymore. You got a fire your cleaning lady Discussion I don't have one to fire. He won't let us hire one. It's really what I really really bad problem for the upstairs

I need to upstairs is fine Lenny I went to enough enough enough They're not rugs or mats and they were a gift from my mother Listen, he put them on one spot. I like I don't like having my feet cold on the tile! Get slippers! I have slippers! Wear them. But I don't like them being wet! Oh my god.

Why is it wet on the floor?! Because you get out of the shower! And you wait till you're a little bit dry from the shower and you towel off in the shower and then you get out! But I'm in a rush! And who are you to tell me? You were just on Norton's podcast being like, I don't shower, I don't shower.

Oh yeah, I saw that! You know why I couldn't shower? I saw that! Because- OW! That week you were making me do so much bullshit crapity crap! I guess being like, I don't shower. I don't shower. Oh yeah, I saw that. You know why I couldn't shower? I saw that. Ow! That week you were making me do so much bullshit crapity crap. What? No, you said on that podcast

that you just run out of time. I showered today. Well, cause. Congrats. I never guessed that. I didn't. Yeah. I shower every time I work out, which is often,

but that week I couldn't work out cause I was doing so much end of the year stuff that I just couldn't even shower. But wait, when you work out, I've seen your workouts. They end-of-the-year stuff I just couldn't even shower. Oh wait when you work out I've seen your workouts are like huge boxing workouts, and you're just like no thanks. I'm not gonna shower Oh, yeah a couple times. She's not showered and we all paid for it I do he kind of does I smell him right now now. It's clean. Look at my hair. It's so clean. Yeah Showered at the bath house wait what's the bed?

It's like taffy. Oh yeah, she was eating taffy. I didn't know she could be. Speaking of which, I have gifts. No way. Yes. Oh, Lenny. Please don't have one.

This I went and bought today. This is from Jacques Torres Chocolates. Thanks, that one's for me. What? I think this is more appropriate for Jordan, but it's a share situation and my wife is very clear. That ain't gonna happen. This is oh my god. Thank you, Gina. And this is from like this my wife. This is from like Lady Wong or something like that. Lady Wong. Time to do the voice. Oh, that's so nice. I don't know. I don't think it's so I think it's all food. Oh, maybe it is so.

I think it's food. No, maybe it's it's so maybe that is for you. I just ate it. It is your wife. Is this so? Oh, my god. No way this is soap. I hope it's not soap. Try this soap. This is so good. It's not soap.

They want to know if this is soap. They're not eating soap are they? They're not eating soap. They're not eating soap. They're not eating soap. They're not eating soap. They're not eating soap. They It's not soap. They want to know if this is soap.

They're not eating soap, are they? It does look like soap. What's funny is they immediately put that in their mouths. Why did you bring us all this soap? It's not soap, it's sweets. Oh, thank God. This is so good. This is a beautiful thing.

The box is the crowd favorites. Yeah. I don't even want to eat it. Purple one is an ube cake. Oh, bae, you better. Oh, I couldn't even look at it. This is a black sesame. Oh, it looks like a piece of coal. That's supposed to be the better one.

I don't know. She's never had that one. And these. Okay. Okay. I gotcha. She said she wants you to know she made them all. No, uh-uh. Oh, Gina. You know Lenny has people to his house and I was voted favorite house guest. And I went over in a rainstorm and I had to wear his clothing. Yes, Ian, you know, that's a great. Would you like an earful? Yes, I would. This is like, uh,

two truths and a lie. Like Ian has worn my underwear. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. He told me about that. Yeah. You're bragging. Yeah. Well, souvenirs.

Your sesame cake from real. Would you like some? No, no, I'm good. Man, I have to scrub in. You too. But these are like my favorite cookies in the world. So you can. This is incredible. Yeah, that was so kind and thoughtful.

Thank you, Lenny. Well, you got to come with gifts now. Yeah. My wife is very big. She knows you're a foodie as well. Yeah. And these cookies look amazing. She's so sweet. Yes, she's a nice she's a she's such a good big fan of you both. Oh, what a sweet Lenny's always so sweet. Yes, she's a she's a she's such a good big fan of you, both of you. Oh, what a sweet Lenny's always so complimentary. Tell the story of how you met her while I eat the cookie.

How you met? How did you meet your wife? Oh, I have to tell that on this part. Yeah, Jordan, don't eat the cookie right now. Look how sweaty Ethan's getting. It's making too much noise. You can break it off and give it to him. No, he doesn't even care about wanting it. He wants us to stop, but I do need to taste. Oh my god. Lenny, it's decadent. Just make sure you guys split it on the way out. Don't

leave Jordan hanging. Don't leave her hanging. She's going to take everything. Oh, she is? Yeah. I guess I don't know who I'm dealing with. Nothing survives in this house through the wrath of Jordan. You're a sweet queen. Okay. Now that I know. She's a slut for sweets and soap. And I met my wife because family just introduced us. That's all. Really? Yes. You know what my friend said the other day? It was an arranged marriage. Yeah. I tried to set Francis Ellis up with somebody and he was like, I don't want to meet him.

I thought he was married. Oh Francis. That's so good. We love you. It looks like his from a homopathy. Do you like being set up? I think that that's the way you should do it. Hmm.

What? Would you set, if I set you up, would you go? No problem. Yes. Okay. Who are you going to set her up with? Don't know it. Lanny's like, oh, I know a statistician for the Yankees. They have to be kind of mean, a little bit right wing. And have a blue collar background.

Okay. Height requirement? Yeah. Six, one, min. Okay. Height requirement? Yeah, six, one, min. Min. Fuck you. That's mean. Fine, six foot. My dad was six foot. I'm five, eight.

Too short, I know that about you. No, but I got these boots because you said I look better tall. I don't know if I said tall. Maybe I did. Oh, because you wore my high heels and you look weirdly good. Oh my God. Do you have. Oh, because you wore my high heels.

Do you have a criteria, Ian? Guy or girl? Do I have to get both? Someone that, uh, I, someone that has drive, someone that has their own life, someone that, has drive live. Is there a height requirement? Someone that's drive, someone that's alive, someone's at four foot five, someone who likes to dive, bar, poetry, slam. I like tattoos. I like a fat ass. I like boobs. I like, but your personality makes up for it. And thank God. Don't blink like that.

You're sending me a message. Also someone who makes me feel loved and who I can love. Someone I can feel safe with and put my head on their chest and they could put their head on mine. Ethan is so allergic to cats. Ethan's so allergic to cats. Dude, your face is as red as this. Oh my God. It looks like you just got beat up by Pete Lee. I like you trying not to sneeze.

Did you try that one though? Yeah. I, the most important thing is having a life of their own and like drive and doesn't look to me to be the everything and the entertainer and someone that can I can laugh with who can make me laugh. Should I stop? Sorry. It goes on for a long time. It does go on for a long time. OK, I kind of got the idea. But really, what is the fat ass is the most important thing.

Now, because I go for fat ass first and doesn't suit me. But I'm not dating right now. I'm kind of just doing my own thing. I don't have the time. I don't want to let someone down. Although dating a guy, seeing a guy has been pretty cool because I'm like, Hey, I'm coming over at 10 and I go, fuck something. They go up and go, Hey, come in midnight.

I don't care. I'm like, Whoa. Well, that's what it's like to date comics. That's why I did comedians. Cause they don't care. Oh, this guy's in fashion. but you don't want that. I do that's all I do Excervations I fucked every not learn. She's fucked. She said every comic throw their dick in her except for me Hmm. Is that crazy? No, not everyone like six Gene

Oh your new comic comic? Who am I going to meet? A nice guy? And then I show up and I have sticky fingers from something weird. And they're okay with that? That's fine. Have sticky fingers. No, I'll lick them. You're a comedian. Yeah. Normal guys don't like sticky fingers.

Because they're fucking losers. That's what I'm saying. I thought we were trying to give into me not to date comedians right now. Oh yeah. And then you go out on a date with them and you try and make them laugh and then they try and make you laugh because they know you're a comic and they do a bad job and you know what is going on right now? I like regular people in static. What? Huh?

On the apps, all autistic, 100%. All the people? 100% of them. How can you tell? Every date I've gone on, nice looking guy, scrappy guy, they're all, ehh, ehh, ehh. I like girls that aren't comics. Yeah, because you don't like them smart and critical at all.

You just like them to be like, you're so funny. Do you need me to go to the store? No. That's Ian's favorite sentence. Do you need me to run to the store for anything? Because I date nice women. I dated a gal. She went to the store for us. And then the next one did that, too.

Well, we didn't date. She was just a pal that came over for sleepover. The stripper is a stripper. Literally sitting at dinner and she goes, I have a huge issue with my vagina right now where I can't have sex. I can't put anything in it. And I was like, wait, you can't put like a penis in it. And she was like, no. And I just see it and be like, check. Time for you to go back to California.

I was surprised you didn't know that. I knew that. And she was a pal. She wanted to come to New York. Shit was getting rough in California. So I said, yeah, come by and we'll fucking hang. No big deal. Imagine shit being so rough that you go to this apartment as your haven. Fuck you. My buddy Zach moved into that room next door.

It's not a room. Because his, it's a room. There's another room in there. And my buddy is staying here because him and his chick broke up. He's in a touring band. He's staying with... I have an open door policy. I like my house to be full of friends. There's a lock on that door right there. We were wondering what that what's in there. So I don't know how open door policy. I like my house to be full of friends. There's a lock on that door right there.

We were wondering what's in there. So I don't know how open door that is. Oh, that's the door to get outside through the stairwell. To hell. Yeah, yeah, that's the door to the other side. That's where Nosferatu stays. Did you go through a dating comedian's time period? No.

Never? No. Who's he gonna date? Elaine Boozler? He's fucking, came up in the 80s and 90s. First of all, I started in 95. Elaine Boosler's from the 70s. Oh my god. You piece of shit.

Paula Poundstone. Paula Poundstone. Yeah, who was around? Woman. Oh no, you had the Schumer, you had the Silverman, you had the... Yeah, Nicky was around. They're all around, but then I'm older than them too too I'm 20 years older than those guys Lenny has an amazing

comedian's date 20 years younger oh no no I that's kind of my personal policy through the whole thing because you could see it happen in real time it's a nightmare it's a nightmare yeah I want to know what you were you were like when you first started comedy were you the same guy? Or were you even dirtier? Lenny was a motorcycle rider. No, I was dirtier. Oh yeah, that's right. You weren't dirtier. Lenny has amazing stories about the cellar when it was dead. And you told me something I'll never forget.

You said it was such a struggle sometimes. You could hear people's cigarettes burning after a joke. I would bump so bad there that you could smoke in the room, which drove me insane. Yeah. People were like, what's the best thing that ever happened in your career? Until I did Letterman, it was that they got rid of the smoking in the cellar. Cause I was, yeah, right. I mean, you could, I said I used to bomb so bad. You could hear the smoke. You can hear them pulling this. You could just, you could just see it. You could hear them pulling this. You could just you could just see it. Yeah, you could hear it coming at me and people would blow it at you in that front

row. It would be like if they they they did it on purpose. Very vindictively. Like I said something to them like you say anything nicer. They would just blow the cigarette right out. Wow. Yeah. Before it was like when it was more Rodney's how Rodney's is now. Yeah, basically, yeah. I mean, they wouldn't cancel shows. They wouldn't cancel shows. They had two shows.

They had there was a couple of times a house emcee and he would run outside and get people to come in and they would sit down and like they you know, just have to get a drink. That's all they need. And then suddenly we had more of an audience. But they anybody they pulled off the street was like foreign or, and there were nights where it was like, nobody understood anything I said. Yeah, it was really, it was rough. So now it's like a dream.

It's a dream. You guys are living a ridiculous dream that all of us built. But we did bad shows coming up, just not at the cellar. We did horrific, horrific. No, I'm sure you did. We did those shows where you pull people up the street and that shit. Oh yeah, but. And then shit.

Oh yeah, but this was like at the comedy cell in real time. But Louis changed that, it just blew up. Was it really Louis? I think so. Because of the TV show? Yeah. Everybody had to see, go into the pizza place and then what is going on down there?

It was very provocative. But it must have been slightly, I thought he used that in his show because it was like kind of cool. Yeah. Well, I feel like- It fed itself. Okay, okay. Yeah show because it was like kind of cool. Yeah. Well, I feel like it fed itself. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I feel like a little cool tough crowd and stuff really opened up the cellar too, because they would all talk about being at the table and coming down.

It all started steamrolling at the same time. And she fell popping too at the same time. There was something going around about Chris Rock and the table. They like tried to remodel that room, but then it was too close to just that area. That's the area of the table. And so they wanted they cut the bar. They want to cut the bar and put it in. Because what are you doing is iconic. Why?

Because it brought people too close also. Right. For some reason. Yeah. I remember when I got past the cellar, I was so nervous. And I was like one of the only People I didn't really know anyone I got past early and no one that I was like comfortable with was like passer except for like Two people and I'll never forget my first week there. I was so nervous I wouldn't even sit at the table and Lenny was like you passed come over and it was so sweet You were always so kind to me at the beginning. Yeah. I mean, people are scared shitless. I've never seen. First of all,

if you were there back in the day when the table was the table. Yeah. I mean, I would beads of sweat would just form on the back of my neck. It was vicious. Yeah. You people are sweet hearts. Oh, yeah. With Petrie's and like, no, I've been there with Toddlin, but you ever see, uh, when Keith just picks on you a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Imagine it was nine Keith's 20 years ago. Full strength.

It sounds amazing. You might have liked it. But there are people walked out of that room crying. You know what I mean? There was. Oh, yeah. I heard Demetri Martin like, didn't he cry one time because Patrice was berating him about his guitar? Oh, that was I don't think that was there.

I don't, Demetri doesn't cry that I can tell you. There wasn't, there was no crying, but he got him. He got even with him as well. Like he, he gave it back to Patrice. Really? Yeah. Whoa. That's the story Demetri told me.

So he told me a couple of stories, but yeah, there was, I mean, Patrice was, when it was Patrice Norton, uh, Nick, the Palo boss, uh, Patrice was, when it was Patrice, Norton, Nick DePaulo, boss, Keith, Colin, SD, Noam, Noam's the worst to be honest. Noam is cause he owns the place. What are you going to do? And some of these guys would slam. I mean, when it was going, it was just this thunder cloud of nasty. Some of it, sometimes, but no, those guys are already cleaned up. Like pretty cleaned up by then.

But they were just Nat. And Geraldo. Geraldo. Yeah. I mean, thank God for Greg Geraldo. I was like, Greg saved me. Really? Was he like a nice guy? The nicest.

The nicest. And and and he was kind of the he was the smart one. You know, I mean, those guys aren't going to win any mental awards. A lot of them. He was a Harvard lawyer. Yeah, Harvard lawyer. Louis said that John Stewart was the one

that would just like kind of sit in the corner and look at the table and be like, nah. Yeah, I mean, some people didn't want anything to do with it. Like there were times where I had walked in and saw the group and I just turned around, just walk right, there was so many people just turn around and walk right out. Oh wow.

Because I'm not dealing with it. But if they saw you, it was just like, hey, hey, Lenny, have a seat. And they're just like around and walk right out. Oh, wow. I'm not dealing with it. But if they saw you, it was like, hey, hey, hey, have a seat. And they're saying you are in this. Some people keep that alive. Derek keeps that alive. Well, I feel like it's not what it was. All the comics I came up with in Philly tried to do that. But instead of like the humor, they were like, well, we'll just be loud. And so like they used to call cotton

surround sound. He was so loud and everyone could hear him. And he was just like, well, if I'm loud, then I'll get it. It's it's like Patrice is like, no, he was loud. He was so sweet. He was the sweetest, but he was so loud. He was loud when he came when I met him.

It's way quieter, way quieter than most of these guys. Yeah, it was nuts there. And it would go to like two in the morning. Would there be fights ever? There were some fights that broke out, but not like fist fights. It was just to the point of like, all right, why don't you guys take a walk?

Yeah. That's so cool. But back when it was chess tables. Back when it was chess tables a little bit, yeah. What do you mean? They used to play chess on those tables. Oh, really? They had to chalk, but they had chess.

So they used to have the chess board. Oh, cool. Yeah. It also had in? They used to play chess on those tables. Oh, really? You had the chalk, but they had chess. So they used to have the chessboard. Yeah. It also had in the front, there was, not that your listeners want to hear any of this crap, do they? But they had like, we want to hear it. They, they had, um, the shawarma was out that front window. It was open. So you could pull up there and just take it out. You're like, Oh cool. And so they were cutting in the front of the club. You know that when you, as soon as you walk in,

you go down, you could step down and those tables are there. The vestibule. So it was like, they were cutting the shawarma. I would walk in and be like, I would gag every time. The smoke and shawarma. The smoke and shit coming out the front.

That was like, this is disgusting. There was one big cook, this guy Hassan, like this guy Hassan, like you imagine. No, no, this guy Hassan like this guy has like like you imagine no no this guy was a massive thing is an Arab of some sort mm-hmm and then there was a fight downstairs there was no bouncers there was no bouncers so when there there was a fight or something he would come running down the stairs big the cook would come running down the stairs and help break it up. Wow. Yeah. It was nuts. Now we don't have fights. We have barf. It was just come out and throw out. Yeah. Yeah. With edibles now Val saying,

it's like nine times out of 10, if somebody throws up or feints, they're like on an edible. Yeah. I feel like the last big fight there was that fight with Metzger like years ago, there was this huge fight and like the guy boxed his ear and he like couldn't hear out of his ear. Do you remember that? Yeah yeah yeah. Kurt's huge. It was one where Trump's son got smashed with a beer bottle or something. Really? When? He was in there he said something, something happened, some other guy tried to stick up for the comic I think the story is and then bang. Trump know, which one the ugly one or the ugly one.

I accidentally crowdworked Selena Gomez or no Ariana Grande Selena Gomez. How'd that go? She, I know I didn't know. And then I walked out and I was like, that was Selena Gomez. And I was like, she was like, do not post that. And I was like, someone told me a story And I was like, mm, she was like, do not post that. And I was like, but what if I did? Someone told me a story about Ron Jeremy used to go there and he used to fall asleep and some of the staff

thought he was dead. I don't remember. I think I've met, I saw Ron Jeremy down there. There's been a lot of people down there, especially at the table. There was like, you know, and then one day, Aziz, LeBron James and the entire Miami Heat came down. Shut up. Really? And I've never seen bigger people. They couldn't fit everything so tight. They had a leaf. They couldn't fit at any table in there. If you're seven feet

tall, you can't sit that tastes so much like Froot Loops. It's crazy. I said a black joke. All right. The other day, not the other day, the other month, Chappelle walked in with his giant crew. And then I was like, I like looked and I was like, I know that guy. And he looked at me like, oops. And I was like, what are you doing here? It was the mayor of Ithaca where I grew up. Really?

I was like, why are you here? And he was like, I'm helping Chappelle with himself. And I was like, what is going on? The mayor of Ithaca, New York. Yeah. One time the ex mayor of Philly, Michael N, was in the crowd at Stand Up New York. Really? Yeah, that was so strange.

It tastes so much like Froot Loops. You taste that? I taste it. Okay, but. What are you eating it with? With ear, but stop in Utah so I can have a bite. Oh my Lord. Your wife is gonna watch us do this on the pod.

That's why we're doing this. Yeah, we're only doing it so Geno will be happy. I dread it. My wife said before I left, you know you're in trouble when you leave the house. My wife goes, try and be interesting. Oh my god. Like, thanks, that was great.

That helps. Let me ask you something. Yeah. You talk. It really tastes like a very specific cereal. Well, it's cause of the gena. Tricks, tricks. All right, all right, you talk. Really tastes like a very specific cereal. What's cause of the jam? Tricks, tricks. All right, all right, all right, it's tricks.

Okay, so tricks, that tastes like tricks. You two are ridiculous. So as somebody that I respect very highly, Yes, man. Who has a child. Yes, you want her? Is that what you're asking me? Do you recommend? Yes, very much.

But you have to be ready. You have to be totally ready for this lifestyle change. And I've said that a million times, but it's like, you have to be ready. Like you have to know what you're getting into here. It's not this, this is going to be very hard to pull off. Because? Because mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy,

mommy, mommy, mommy mommy mommy mommy every second I have money that I can pay then why have the kid no I mean having the kid a night now I mean yeah I mean you're not gonna having a kid is to be in the kids life it's a good relationship after the kid yeah really it's exhausting it's exhausting oh the relationship one thing, but dealing with the child, full relentless. But now it's worth it, right? Then again, I'm sitting here with you two.

Like, so then, yeah, it's relentless. It never, to take a break, to do, when you leave here, you go home, right? And then nothing. You say there's not enough time, but there's nothing. There's always something but there's nothing. There's always something. It's relentless.

I went over there. Please move over. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. I went to the bathroom to use the bat to fart and then it fell. I'm wearing long underwear. Look how hard he farted, he blew a hole.

I'm wearing long underwear and it stayed in. And I'm sorry. I need you to take a little walk. I'm wearing long underwear. Look how hard he farted, he blew a hole. I'm wearing long underwear and it stayed in. And I'm sorry. I need you to take a little walk. I'm sorry, I walked over there to be respectful. Ian, it's getting over here. I'm serious, you need to walk, I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm serious.

I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm serious. How does that help? How does the chauffeur help? It's blowing air. Where did you get the chauffeur? Oh my God.'s blowing air. Where did you get so far?

Oh, my God. You have to go to the doctor. You have to go to the doctor. I'm not an idiot with Jordan's sacrilegious. No, it's my dog is true. The end of it. It's you guys. I wanted you to be closer to Lenny. I'm sorry. I Ethan, you saw I went over there to be polite and I'm wearing long

underwear and it's stayed and I'm sorry. You trapped me in the corner with it. I'm sorry. You have to go. I'm wearing long underwear and it's stayed and I'm sorry. You trapped me in the corner with it. I'm sorry. You have to go. I'm sorry. I have to go to the doctor. Listen, it kind of goes with the decor. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's in the air. It's poop particles. There's poop particles in the air. I'm powerful. What if it's in my nose hair? Listen, I'm going to just say your dog licks your mouth. Oh, yeah, that'll be better I tell you right now. Yeah, you can do that all day. He doesn't hold a candle to my wife. She farts

Oh, really? No rippers saying oh like this SPD. She is an assassin. She's a Assassin. Yeah, she's got the what's the silencer? Oh, yeah You'll like. Okay. I'll walk in there. I'll give you your space again. It's better.

It's better. I'm truly sorry. I tried to be polite and it got stuck. I'm wearing long underwear because it's cold and I'm sorry, but this is who I am. You think you did it bad? Oh yeah, crop dusted me. I didn't mean to. Oh, now I feel terrible.

It's the cake's fault. It's probably, you know, it's because I ate soap. Are you lactose intolerant? I think I'm intolerant of a lot of things. A lot of things I put into my body are not good. But not penis. I'm not allergic. You actually have to get to the bottom of it. You said you didn't eat anything today and then he horked down, you know, all that cake and then a bunch of coffee.

I had a protein shake with what? Whoopin it. That would, that would make sense. That would do it. That would do it. It was peach, spinach, protein, soy milk, almonds, and ginger. And that stayed in, but a piece of cookie. Done. Yeah.

Interesting. Hey everybody, we'll be right back in a second, but I want to talk to you about RULA. Okay? RULA. Finding a therapist should be complicated or cost you a fortune. Thankfully, there's RULA. Okay? We got asked to do better help before, and fucking I said no because they have a reputation for being not good, and I don't ever want to push people towards something that I don't believe in, but RULA is legit and it is good.

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Guess what? I'm going to be honest. You may talk to someone at RULA and realize this isn't for me. But RULA rules because you can then go to another therapist that works for you. Stick with it. Just because you have a bad experience doesn't mean you gotta quit, okay? It's tough, it's hard, but nothing in life that's good is easy, alright? So try RULA. I'm telling you, thousands have already trusted RULA to support them and on their journey toward improved mental health and overall wellbeing. Head on over to Rula.com slash Ian to get started today. Support the show. This helps the show. So fucking do it, man. Help you by helping us help us by helping you tell them the show sent you go to Rula r, R U L A dot com slash Ian IAN and take the first step towards better mental

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BlueChu, it'll help me and you enjoy the show. I'm sorry. I don't. I think it's something else though. How may I make an amends? Can I tell you what I think it is? Stomach cancer. Possibly. But what you did have all day is say it into the microphone.

Coffee. I had a coffee. Yeah, you had too many coffees. This is the only coffee I've had today. What did you sleep till we got here? No. I had another coffee and then I had this. Yeah. When Zach moved in, I, we went and got a coffee.

He's not living here. He's living here for six weeks. Oh, that's a long time. I know. Too long. I don't care. Is that good? Yeah, whatever.

I'm not home a lot. I'm only home like three, four days a week. Are you happy now being on the road? I love it. I love it so much. Really? I really enjoy it, yeah. Yeah, I try to do activities in different towns. I see the pictures. You look like you're having a blast. I really enjoy it. Yeah. Yeah. I try to do activities in different towns.

I see the pictures. You look like you're having a blast. I really am. I really, really enjoy it. I'm having more fun on stage and ever music. You got music going places. You're singing with bands. I love it. It's the best. I'm really trying to squeeze as much joy out of the lemon of life as possible. And how do you feel about turning 40 now? Incredible. Yeah? Amazing. We had such a good time.

We went bowling. I saw that. I used to do that every year on my birthday. Really? I took people for 10 years. All the comics would come. No way! It was crazy.

Oh, that's so cool. That sounds fun. Did you gamble? What we would do is, it got crazy, this one it got crazy. I'm on the craziest podcast I'm saying. I get crazy when gambling on bowling. So it's like, you would go up there, it would be like, okay, Ian's not gonna knock down seven.

And I mean, you turn around, there's 20 people, comics, everybody just going, suck, you fucking suck Ian. You fucking suck, like don't, no suck. How much would you bet on each? If you did a six, if you, if you rolls like two bucks, one dollar, it was like, it was quick action. Like one dollar, one dollar. He doesn't roll a seven, right? And then it was just be you didn't roll it and people would be high five you and the other half would be like, fuck it.

Oh, that's the best. We're going to do it next year. That'd be really fun. I love that. I love gambling. It'll be great every year. I used to do it every year, but I haven't done it in the last couple because Bertie, we have this babysitter situation. She's going to want to come, but I think she'll end up coming.

How old is she? Right now she's six and a half. So she's ready. Six and a half? Yeah. Crazy. Wow. So you got, yeah, six and a half year old fun at the bowling alley.

Great. Yeah. She'll bet. What do you do for her birthday parties? One year, Marcus Monroe. Oh, my God. That's awesome. No way. And I had to talk him out of doing fire. He's a comedian juggler. If anybody doesn't know Marcus Monroe, he did fire. He did. He can do fine. You know, he's one of the best jugglers in the world.

Right. Yeah. Right. So now I had a real job, but he invented a notch in like a knife torch. So you can do knives, but then he can also do torches. So he has a notch and then he can do like, so he lights them up and he goes, and I'm like, you're not doing that at my kid's birthday. They were four. Okay. This was like three and four, three and four year olds.

But knives are better? Right. I was like, no, not, no, not like he can do anything. He can juggle anything. Yeah, but wouldn't they like the flames? So my wife is like, no, let him do the knives. And he goes, I have a permit from the fire department. And here he said, I'm like, you're not, you do understand. Four year olds with some kid just decides to get up and touch it.

You know, fling it before. Yeah, I could. Which some control. He does it. We drew a line around him. Like nobody could get up and come over this line. And he did it? No, no, no, no. He still didn't do it, but he wanted. No, my wife said okay to that. The other parents, he actually, I think he did do the knives at the

end, but he didn't do the flames. I can tell you that. I wouldn't. And the other parents are like, yeah, they were all like in shock. Especially because you're like, this is my comedian friend. Yeah. Oh yeah. That makes it sound like the whole thing finished. Right. And people are still talking about it. Like we still can't believe that happened at a birthday party for three or four years. That's so cool. It was nuts. Doesn't he like cut an apple? He could do it. Yeah. He does. He can ride a unicycle, like a really tall unicycle while he does that stuff with the Norge, with the crazy.

Oh my God. Yeah. You got to. You got to see. How do you do that? He did like a whole one-man show. Who? Yes, I've met her. What's that about? No, I mean, what's your reaction about? Yeah. Not that. She's older than him. A lot. She's a babe though, right? She's really hot. Yeah. But she's it's. Isn't he as old as her daughter or something yeah yeah it's it's kind of kinky oh yeah in a good way kinky in a good way no just when you see him you're like this is kinky it's just kinks what's so bad about kink yeah she's hot yeah but you see the daughter and him together and you're like, well. Well, that's odd. Are you throwing your stink on that

or is it like really universally like, whoa. Oh, you find out who you're talking about. What's the oldest guy you dated that? Emotionally? I don't go either. I'll take any answer. Oh no, I dated one guy who was 10 years older than me. I was 17, he was 27.

That is not legal He was my SAT tutor. It was inappropriate. My mom was paying him to fuck me What? I mean What? Did you learn that word? Inappropriate Did you learn that word? Inappropriate.

At least he gave you something to write about for your college essay. You want to hear the darkest part of it? He was living in a house that I used to live in and I covered when I was a little kid, I covered all the ceilings with glow in the dark star stickers. And that's where you looked at and disassociated. Wait, do I want to follow this up? you looked at and disassociated. Wait, do I want to follow this up? What do you mean your mother put him up to this? No, she was paying him to teach me.

Oh, OK. Not the way you said it. She did know and she didn't care. Hippie commune. Oh. Did the emry recently and say, if you want an apology, I'll give you one. Call him. Do you have his number? No. I do have his number, but I'm not gonna call him.

That's so weird. Did you ever date an older woman? Guy? What am I asking? I don't even know. Who am I? No, I don't think I've ever, I've gone on dates. Dates older. No, I don't. No, I don't think I've ever I've gone on dates older. No I don't.

No I don't. Jordan, what's the what is the youngest now that you will date now that you're 40? Can you still go 25? No, right? 30s. Yeah, I had something to say and then Jordan was Jordan. Okay, well he's thinking I'm sure it's coming. Hold on, hold on.

This could be another fart, I don't know. It's gonna be bad if it comes out, I can tell you that. Wait, what's the oldest you'll date and will you date a guy younger? I will not go younger. Ooh, what about like one year? No, because I look older than I am. I'm 20. Sure.

No, but I'm a worn-in woman. I don't I'm not gonna try and look young for some young fucker and men are retarded as is. I'm not going younger. What was I gonna say? Okay. Fair enough. What are you gonna say? Dude you really fucking made me. Is it My fault that you're mentally retarded. Think something. Wait, hold on. You asked me. Wait, you sent them in. Now my thoughts go with you. If I dated older.

Conversation. When I started, when I started comedy, I started hanging out with this MILF and she came to one of my shows and it was like my fourth show ever. And she was like going through a divorce and she came to the show and she was like 15 years older than me. It was so hot. Her name was Dawn and I bombed so bad at the show

that afterwards she called her ex husband and he picked her up and I got them back together. And that's the last time I did an old business. That's pretty good. Is that crazy? Dude, have you ever done that where you're trying

to get over somebody, hook up with somebody else and it's so bad that it sends you back to the ex and you wanna be like, thank you, you helped me realize that you're not the one. Wait, I'm checking to see if the coyote got this. I've never, I'm not bad to do that. Thank you. Well, I was-

That's a good trick. I was like two months into comedy and right before I went on stage, the guy goes, you're doing five minutes. Don't go over and don't do that joke where you sing. All right. No one likes it. I go, Oh yeah. So I sang and I made eye contact with them and I did the joke.

I opened with it and it bombed so bad. I did three minutes instead of five. I sweat through my clothes. This woman called her ex husband and the guy who headline was this guy named the coach who were jockstrapped on his head. I know the coach. Not only do I know the coach, I know the coach since I was 17. Shut up. Are you serious? He sold jockstraps afterwards. Yes. Oh my God. He's one of my dearest friends. Shut up. No, I know the coach since I was 17. I went to, I went to school at SUNY Albany.

He was a coach at SUNY Albany. And then he went to SUNY Albany. I grew up in Ithaca. His act was like, uh, okay guys, we're going to go. And he blows a whistle. He was, he was a crazy football coach. Yeah. He's a crazy football coach.

He's still out there. I spoke to him last week. You're not talking about Bob Nelson. No, I love Bob Nelson. That was the first comic I went to see. It was Bob Nelson. Bob Nelson's great. In the 80s, that stuff was big. So Coach was coaching at Albany and then he would go out and started doing, you know, work on his act around the- Stand up as like a touched coach.

As a touched coach. Like he'd been hit one too many times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was his whole act. He still has it. And he sold jockstrap after the show. Made a fortune. Wow. Just, fortune. Really? This is the 80s.

This is when comedy really blew up the first time. Well, this was 2012. Exploded. What do you think about it? It was crazy. Yeah, it's a little different. Do you look at it as in a bad, what do you, is it in a golden age right now? Yes.

You think who? You guys, you guys have, it's literally like this and you guys are at the this is at the top of it again. Are we pro crowd work anti? Me? Yeah. Anti crowd work. Anti hate it.

Hate it. Yeah, me too. Hate it. Sorry. No, I do a lot of crowd. No, but I mean you do. Yeah. What?

Yeah. Are you living on Mars? Yeah, I do a lot of crowd. So you have tons of jokes. Yeah. Yeah. I do an hour Yeah, I do a lot of crowd work. So you have tons of jokes. Yeah, yeah. I do an hour and then I do some crowd work. Because I get I like getting really angry at people and I freak out at them. But you also listen, you have to have jokes. They're not going to put you on the tonight show going, hey, what's going on, Jimmy?

How you doing? Nice suit. You know what I mean? They're not going to do that. So that was that was the game. You know, the game is writing. The fun thing is what I was doing is you would do crowd work to get into a bit. You know what I mean? Like, cause then they would like stay with you. So you'd basically be like, oh you-

You have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have the joke ready. Yeah, totally. Different story. Okay. Okay. If you got nothing, you're fishing for something.

And then- No, yeah, totally. You already have it. But sometimes at the seller when they're fucking all foreign and you have one person to, it does help. I getcha. But I just, the other night, lately I've been doing no crowd work because I've been running this thing and I've just been like not, and it feels so much cooler.

You just leave stage being like, yeah. But when I do crowd work, I'm like, you piece of shit. You gotta have the bits. I go in and out. That's what impressed me about your special. You're like, it was like, oh, well, welcome to writing a joke. Thank you very much. You know, you had some good bits in there.

Well, you only saw me MC for years. That's the thing. I am the seller for like five or six years. I won't stick my head in and check on my end. You know what I mean? But if you're in the middle, if you don't have an MC set, you know, and I'm, you're in the middle of thing going, Oh, well, you know, nice shirt, buddy. You know, like I look at my mustache as well. Like, you know, that that's what I write the jokes. That's what

I like worked on on the special is making it all jokes and know like, and I made it have like an arc in the beginning, middle and end and wrap around. Like I worked so hard on that hour in the room. It's a different story. Television has never done it justice in the in the room. You know, like if you're in the room, it can be electric, you know, watching that. Like, but if I'm watching that off of a tape, you know, months later and you're asking me to like get as connected as those people were in the room to your energy

there. It's really, it does not. I feel like I worked really hard on capturing that, you know, in the special. You do as much as you do as much as anybody I've seen do it, but it can be. It's difficult. There's a lot of people that didn't grow up with that, but it's a different time. I'm the antiquated one. I get that a lot where people are like, dude, you were funny, but seeing you live

is like a whole nother level. That's a whole lot. You got to be in the room. Yeah. I'm like very much a live act, which is why I'm like, man, I hate clips. You know who did capture the feeling was Dave. Something about the way he filmed it. Yeah. Something about the way they shoved that thing right up into his face and didn't do that. They'll shoot specials that are like here to here with like no headroom. So the focal points here, but in Dave's they were like right there. So it was really effective at

making you feel like you were like, you were in it. Yeah. He also spun it around a few times and he had his little camera. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dave is just Dave. I mean, but, but with that said, and I've said this forever, you don't get a towel unless you're in that room. Like when people are walking by and just says exactly who they are, but crazy. It's so fucked up. It's yeah. He's on like six cents kind of level. I walked in one day and he goes, Oh, are you going to walk in and say something shocking about your childhood? Don't need to hear it. And I was like,

he just looked at the table one time was like, you know, like, Jacket. He just did it in one word. And he looked at me and went, I roll. And then just kept walking. I'm like, oh, his drive by. He's a drive by. Yeah, he's a Jedi. Yeah. He helped me get so much better because he brings me on stage. Yeah. And we I would just answer him honestly and he thought that was funny because I wasn't trying or anything, you know?

And he took me aside and was like, just say whatever you want and I will make it funny. And I was like, okay. And that gave me like the freedom to just go with it and be like quick. And it's like, dude, being with him on the road for five years was like the freedom to just go with us and be like quick. And it's like, dude, being with him on the road for five years was like the greatest gift I could have ever had in comedy. It was the greatest thing in the world. Did I ever tell you a story of how I opened for him one time?

No. And he kind of was gonna put me up at the cellar. So this goes back, first of all, we're the same age, me and Dave, right? He must've started right out of college and I waited 12 years or whatever it was. So how old were you when you started? You and Dave are the same age. Yes.

His birthday is coming up in like a week. The 19th. He's got a good smile. The 19th. And I'm one year. I'm December, he's January. It's the same year. Happy belated.

Thank you very much. Happy belated to you as well. Thank you very much. Happy early. When is your birthday, Jordan? May 28th. May 28th. Birdies is May 31st.

Gemini. Wow. Wow. Gemini. Yes, this is why I like Jordan. Two brothers, twin brothers. I don't believe in any of that stuff, but I don't know if you guys do,

but it was just so weird, like when I was dating, every girl that I was just so weird. Like when I was dating, every girl that I was just so amazed into, whatever hot I thought was Gemini, and it exploded in my face every time. Every time. Yeah, we like to blow things up and then go, I'm sorry, that was crazy.

I love you. That was weird. And then we go, burn in the night. Gemini should be round up and put in a funny form. I can't believe you're not. And then now with Birdie, I'm like, don't do that.

Like I'm trying to like, don't be that two sided say it's two sided Gemini. I can't even control it. I do it all the time where I'll just be like, you know what, done. I'm so it's black. You do it on stage.

Yeah. Yeah. You want to see you look at my face in the crowd like, what the fuck is Cuckoo? It looks like the exorcist. You're autistic. You are Asperger's. Yeah. So Dave, so 19, this has got to be like 99.

I'm in the business like four years. I've never heard Dave until I moved. I think I just moved to Manhattan. So but I had seen, I was living out near the stress factory in New Brunswick. So now I'm in the city, I'm just moving to the city, but I would go back there every now and then. But while I'm in the city, I get immersed in the scene

and you realize like who's the big shot, whatever. And then I see Dave and I'm like, oh my God, I stink. Like this guy is ridiculous. And then people go, yeah, have you seen this guy? Like, yeah. I go, yeah, I've seen it, it's crazy. But I've only seen him do like 15 minute chunks, even though I've seen him do different 15 minute chunks,

but what's his 45 hour? So he's gonna go do headline, The Stress Factory. And I had lived right there, so I'm good friends with Vinny. That's where I started. So I call Vinny Brand, the owner of The Stress Factory. I'm like, can I come down there and watch Dave do it? And he goes, lived right there. So I'm good friends with Vinny. That's where I started. So I call Vinny Brand, the owner of Stress Factor. I'm like, can I come down there and watch Dave do it? And he goes, come down there. Yeah, you can come down here. Maybe you can do a guest, Steve. And then he goes, what? But then I go, yeah, exactly. Huh? What? Everything's don't don't get me started. But then I get a call from him. He goes, hey, you're coming down here.

How are you getting here? I'm bringing my best friend from college. He's a huge comedy fan. He's going to drive me and he goes, can you pick up Dave Attell? And I'm like, now I'm like, just sweat like, again, we're the same age, right? So, but Dave's already a headliner, you know, this is 10 years, he's 12 years in 10 years, 12 years. So we pick up Dave, like I buzz the buzzer and I'll be right there. Right. I get him, put him in the car. He sits there. We're we want to ask him a thousand comedy questions. Nothing's coming out.

The two of us to the point where we're halfway there, like we're having a conversation. We're halfway there and then it's silence. But we know it's like that. He's in the back seat and he's smoking. He's just he's he's rolling down. He's like, do you mind if I smoking. He's just, he's, he's rolling down. He's like, do you mind if I smoke? And we're like, right. And he's like, he, he would hit the button on the window. All you would hear like, could you do it out the window? He was like, all right. And you just hear like,

Roll it back up. So we're halfway down and with this is dead silence for like three minutes. He just goes So do you guys know each other? So we asked him a bunch of where they go and then so now you hear that you're Right, and I go Dave Dave, you know You know, we want you to be around for a long time. We're huge fans. Like, you got to cut that out. I mean, we're at that point, we're 30. Yeah.

Right. And he's chain smoking like nobody's business. And we're like, this guy's not going to make you like, because we had seen, like you could smoke in the cells, but he's smoking in lanes. Yeah. And so I go, Dave, please, you know, then, you know, who am I to say anything? But I'm with the same age. I, Dave, you got to cut it out. Right. And he just goes, I'll please, you know, then, you know, who am I to say anything, but I, I'm with the same age, I, Dave, you gotta cut it out, right?

And he just goes, I'll take it under advisement, grandma. Right? Right? So now the two of us aren't saying nothing. We say nothing, right? We go all the way to the stress factor. He goes, you wanna do a guest spot? And I'm like, yeah, I'd love to do a guest spot.

He goes, okay, but you gotta make it quick because he's gotta get back to do a guest spot. He goes, okay, but you got to make it quick because he's got to get back to do the last spot at the cellar, which was at like 1 40 a.m. So we have to get, he's got to do two shows. He goes, he goes, you could do that. So the first set I have, I do, they let me do a guest spot, goes really well. I'm doing like seven minutes or whatever they had. Then he was very nice about that. And then he goes, listen, I gotta get back. We gotta get, I'm gonna say good night. Could you have the car ready to get back to the city?

We're like, Dave, we're on it. We'll get the gas. He goes, don't have to get gas. Like Dave, we're not morons. So we get the car and we have it ready to go, right? And he goes, you wanna do a gas spot, but you gotta keep it tight, right? I'm like, I'm on it. I get, I do the guesty. I kill. I come off. Dave is standing. It's right before he goes on. He's standing. He goes, that was great. That was great. Get the car.

We get in the car. We drive them all the way back. And all I remember is this is how scared of SD everyone is. Dave Attell, we drop him off on 6th Avenue and McDougal right there on the corner. He goes, I'll take it from him. And Dave Attell is running to make that spot. He's still at five minutes, but he was running to make that spot. I'm like, that's how scary. Yeah, as he was like, he had to make that spot at one forty in the morning. Right. It's great. I almost sent you the picture of Ian and him eating pizza the other day, Like that's how scary as he was. He had to make that spot at 1.40 in the morning.

It's crazy. I almost sent you the picture of Ian and him eating pizza the other day because me and you were talking about how we've never seen Dave eat. Oh, that's right. I've never seen Dave eat. And there's a beautiful picture of them eating pizza. Oh yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I've never seen Dave do a lot of things. Joe's pizza, I'm dressed up like Santa Claus. He's next to me. He gave me his album for my record company. Oh really? He just signed a contract today. Oh, that's amazing. To do the audio for him, Sirius and Nike. Oh incredible. Yeah. Amazing. And you want to talk about doors opening up, you know, like if I put my album in, yeah, we'll get to it. Yeah. You know,

you know, Dave, how long can we have it? Do we have an exclusive for like six weeks? You know, like, you know, can he come in and promote it? Will he do a takeover of the network? Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. You know, like, you know, can he come in and promote it? Will he do a takeover of the network? Yeah, sure. Whatever you want, you know, I'll get his management. Well, Paul was so good to me at Sirius. Is he still there? He's still there.

Oh, okay. Great guy. Oh, yeah. Great guy. Yeah, he was. He was. I mean, dude, what you do for comics is incredible. Thank you.

To help us out and get us like as much. We can't get paid without a label. That's such horseshit. It sucks. Well, there was a whole lawsuit. We'll talk about the label takes so much but Lenny Teaching guys like me to self Release so that you get a hundred percent profit for every play because I wasn't like a 40 50 split it was like 50 50 split for a lot of these people who's done specials with companies and then they release it

To make their money back. They put it on serious so you'll get a little money But they got they get half of your money. It's way easier to have the label do it. Cause it is quite intensive. It's a lot of work. Yeah. So I did, I helped him do it the first time and I realized like, okay, this is not as easy as I think it is.

So there are a lot of people who don't want to do this at all. Dave doesn't want to lift a finger. Dave's not going to go on the computer and type all this stuff in. All I'm talking to him now when we talk on the phone, he goes, it happened again. Malware. It won't stop. Stop looking at porn. That's his biggest thing. Malware.

Christmas day we're on the phone. He's like, Merry Christmas. More malware. Do you know Bob De Bono? Yeah. Okay. So Bob De Bono, way back before I could make enough money to live doing stand-up, I fixed everybody in the city's computer. I did everybody's website. So I did everybody's so because my background was in computer programming. So everybody needed a website. So I build them a website for the cheapest. You could build a website to get comics up and running for the website. Okay. And then they all want, can we do video? It got very, it got crazy

intense, but then web builders came came along build these crazy nice websites So they were over my head now, you know They're over my head, but I could still build one really quickly if somebody needs one in a pinch so just once in a blue moon, I'll do but Where was I getting for this fuck yes, you've caught my god I got the Where was I getting for this? Fuck. Yes, you've caught what we had. Oh my God, I got the E-Inge disease.

I have to save my doctor. Yes. So, oh my God. You're building websites. Bob DeBono did it on the Jeep. So I fixed, I fixed all people's computers as well. And a lot of them, you do remember back in the day, if you got a malware, you were fucked. Totally.

You had to take it down to somewhere. Hunter Biden store. Yeah. And you had to clean it out. They had to clean it for you. Cost you were fucked. Totally. Take it down to somewhere. Hunter Biden store. Yeah. And you had to clean it out. They had to clean it for you. Cost you ridiculous money. So I was like, okay, I will. Do you want me to clean your computer?

I will clean it out. So like the bone on one time game, his thing and I go, okay, let's see. Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn. Everything starts popping up and it's always, it was always porn. I don't want to pick on Bob because it was always right everybody and was always Porn causes problem one old lady, maybe hit a bad button like yeah, I got a weird email, you know But it was always fun. So Bob I'm like I clean it for Bob. He pays me like Bob no more porn Okay, or you got to put like some serious, you know shit on here

You know like Norton security like to put it on here that will pop up and tell you, don't do it. Only Tranny Nord. Jim Norton fucks a woman in front of you. Shitting on her or something. Isn't that ironic that the Norton is crazy? Anyway, so I clean it. I'm not talking 24 hours later.

It's still doing it. Like, Bob, it's still Lenny. I'm telling you, it's still Bob of the silence. Bob, did you look at born? Yes. Give it back to me. You stupid. It was like a whole day process to clean that thing.

So you're such a, a nice Dave. Stop smoking. Bob, no porn. Dave, stop smoking. No, no, no. You said to Dave like Dave, stop smoking, Bob, no porn. Dave, stop smoking. No, no, no. You said to Dave like Dave, stop smoking. Bob, no porn. Jordan, you're the sweets. I am opposite. All your condom. Yeah, Ian, wear a condom. I do. All right. I'm very clean. Jordan, wear a condom.

I don't have in a decade. Do you imagine? Could you imagine? I fucking graveyard. Oh, my God. Jesus. No, I need all the service area. No, you have to work with her or else you're going to get cobwebs in your pee hole. I can't you can't. I already have a hard time feeling a penis in there. Ew. Why? I don't know. I think, I already have a hard time feeling a penis in there. Ew, why?

I don't know, I think I maybe have a big vagina. I think that's why I'm a size queen. Oh no. No, I've been told it's normal. Is it wide? But I've had sex with men with small penises and I'm like, what are we doing? Is that normal?

Is it wide? Okay, so when I got an IUD, I think it's- Let's play a game called show Lenny your hole. What the doctor said is you have a narrow, long vagina, because I couldn't touch my IUD strings. You shouldn't be able to. Yeah, they said you need to be able to to keep checking if they're there.

I felt it, it hurts. Yeah, I got mine taken out. The IUD, you can, if you got that Johnny Long dick, he doesn't have that. You can feel it. Yes, I got mine taken out because I, the IUD, you can, if you got that Johnny Long, you can feel it. Yes, I do. My penis is nice. I think that the good Johnny Long farts. That's for sure. Yeah. I got farties and I got, well, I don't know what's going on in there. You're going to need a, uh, I mean, well, I think when the guy with a coal miners,

it feels like when they put the condom on it, it immediately feels like it's all condom. Like it feels like condoms are terrible. Yeah. It feels like nobody likes nauseous. Nobody likes them. No, nobody just ignores. Nobody knows that. Everybody knows they're there when they're there. Right. Oh, I don't know. Fucking with a wool hat on. It doesn't make sense. It's not warm, but you have to be safe. Nobody just ignores. Nobody knows that everybody knows they're there when they're there. Right. Oh, I don't know. It's like fucking with a wool hat on. It doesn't make sense. It's not warm.

But you have to be safe. Or you go. You're cleaning, right? You either use a condom or trust. Or you have sex with one person once a year. I'm sure you would tell me you have a ton of trust issues. Right. But for some.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could say she's a sure. Go ahead. Why? Come on. She's a ton of issues. But I mean, oh boy. Yeah. She likes magazines. Oh, wow. I didn't even see that. I got it now. Yeah. You guys are so cute. Your vagina's wide. Anyway. I don't think it's wide. I just really, when condoms are in there, it's not, it's like almost not worth it. People feel that way?

Yes. Okay. Yes. Nobody's like, I prefer condom sex. I would rather not have sex and just dry hump than have condom sex. I love a good dry hump. Dry humping is great.

Dry humping and making out. Like you're in fucking third grade again. You know what's fucked up? He just held up the 60 minute sign. I literally thought it flew by. 15 minutes. Good. Wow. Do you feel like that was an hour? Has this been?

I felt it was good. Has this been hell for you? No, not hell. I just don't want to be the guy. I see the clips. I told you I see the clips. I don't want to be the guy that people write in like, oh my God, that episode sucked. You're not Todd Berry. You'll be fine. We love you, Todd. See, I'm going to three weeks. I'm going to check in and be like, you're not Lenny Marcus. Like, fuck, I knew it. Those two would be nice. Do you want to hear my Todd Berry? Yeah. This is Todd Berry having sex.

I'm the most famous person in society right now. Dirty talk, but you would assume the person who is having sex with would love it. Yeah. Yeah. You are the most famous person. Yeah. Yeah. Right now. I've been in pootie tank.

Yeah. I was in the wrestler. Lenny, what would you like people to get their eyes on? Well, if you're a comedian, please, you know, think about Skinny Boy Records. Dude, in crap on it. I can't say enough how much you saved me and how great you are to other comics. Yeah, it was really, really cool. So if you're a comedian and need some help and don't want to, you know, try not to get ripped off by a big company, I promise we won't rip you off. And you can cobble together sets with audio engineering to put in out.

You don't have to go out and record a big album. You can use your phone or get a good audio recording. Probably not. Not anymore. Like they want it plugged in. The audio has got to be as good as this. I used my phone. I used the set at the cellar. And I put out an EP. Back then. Now the cellar, if you did that cellar, they're wired. That room's wired with like 16 mics.

So that's how you want to do it. But for me, sorry, for me, LennyMarcus.com. LennyMarcusNYC on all social. He's not on Instagram. It's so annoying. He's the funniest. If you ever get a chance to go see Lenny, go see Lenny Mark is NYC on all social, but I'm not really. He's the funniest. If you ever get a chance to go see Lenny, go see Lenny. He is so funny. Look at the lineups. He's like a dark Seinfeld.

Oh my God. It's so good. It's so good. He's our favorite. He has jokes about being in line at the grove, the line people, the cutting, so many good ones. You gotta go. It's so good because you get so mad

and then everybody's laughing, but he doesn't break at all. And he's what did you say on New Year's? We were like, who's here for the ball drop? And they're like, oh, I see you. I kill yourself. Get the fuck out. Yeah, I just think it's so stupid.

But most people's actions are just up to me. Yeah, it's so good. I'll stay. I will literally it'll be late and I'll be like, I want to go home to my dog and I'll be like, I have 15 more minutes. So go. Yeah. You guys go see Lenny. He's at the cellar all the time. Very, very funny. Thank you. Jordan. Let's just do punch up live. Punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen. Punch up dot live slash Ian Fy dance for all our dates. Come

see us on the road. Patreon.com Patreon.com slash B and Ian pod. Yes. Thank you for tuning in. We love you. We'll see you next week. Bye bye. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore