Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep131: The Last Straw w/ Rafi Bastos

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, everybody, come and see me on the road. Wait, wait. I'm the guest of this episode, Rafi, and I'm launching my special on the 30th. Okay, 30th. So if you're watching on the 29th, that's tomorrow. If it's already 30, it's online in the first link, the link, the first comment. There's the link for my special. January 31st and February 1st, Albany Funny Bone, then I'm at Bananas and Jersey. And these are the big ones. Empire Comedy Club, Portland, Maine. That's Valentine's Day weekend, February 14th and 15th, and then Helium, Portland, Oregon, February 21st and 22nd. Skyline Comedy

Starting point is 00:00:36 Club, the 27th through March 1st. And I'm going to Raleigh, Vegas, all over, eofidance.com. Come on out. It's a good time. Let's... Art style in the pink green line. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. She's going all over. Come and see us live. We'll see you on the road and enjoy the show. Bye. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night night It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian

Starting point is 00:01:31 Being Ian With Jordan We're here with Brazil's most cancelled comedian. Yes. Yeah. Well, you're about to be canceled for not using the mic. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah. I don't know how you do things in Brazil, but here we use microphones to welcome you

Starting point is 00:02:01 to be in Ian with Jordan. We have the wonderful, the fantastic, the hilarious, the interesting, Rafi Bastos. Thank you very, very much. I prefer the interesting than the hilarious, but thank you. Oh, really? I'm just kidding. I don't like the words that start with H. Oh, like Hellenistic? Exactly. Hellenistic?

Starting point is 00:02:24 Hellenistic. Hellenistic? Exactly. Hellenistic? Hellenistic. Hellenistic? What's that? Why? Is there nothing like that in Brazil? Yeah, we don't have words with H in Brazil. Hola. Hola is in Spanish.

Starting point is 00:02:35 There's a little difference between Portuguese and Spanish. Let me tell you guys. Please explain because I don't know it. It's kind of close, but it's not the same thing. We in Brazil speak Portuguese. Yes. But, rola in Spanish is hi. Yes. In Portuguese, rola is cock.

Starting point is 00:02:57 No. It's cock. Rola. Pega na minha rola. Grab my cock. Beg a mia rola. Beg a mia rola. Beg a mia rola. Stop. Monetization. Oh, fuck. It's just the shit. me a hola grab my cock beg of me a hola beg of me a hola beg of me a hola monetization

Starting point is 00:03:07 oh fuck it's just shit shoot it's okay damn it i said damn it not damn it it wasn't you who got cancelled it was your buddy oh cool i got canceled a few times yes what happened what'd you do oh my my God. Wait, more importantly. It's okay, it's okay. I can tell. More importantly, I have to ask, be honest, what inspired the braces rather than Visalign? In Visalign.

Starting point is 00:03:34 It's called, it's called Visalign. I think it's called Invisalign. I think it's called Invisalign. I think she's right. But what is it in Portuguese? In Portuguese it's called Invisalign. Yeah. Dingus. It's called Invisalign. It's an American brand, bro. It's Invisalign, yes. There's cases where you cannot use Invisalign. Invisalign doesn't work for everything. And you had teeth that couldn't use Invisalign.

Starting point is 00:04:01 Yeah, exactly. Interesting. Because I broke my jaw and my cheekbone playing basketball. Recently. No, that was a long time ago. Ninety ninety nine. So after that fucked up all of my teeth and now I have to fix it. Wow. Yes. Invisalign can't fix. Your teeth were never that bad, though.

Starting point is 00:04:16 I know it doesn't look bad, but it is. Really? Look, look at the way I bite. Look at the way I bite. OK. OK. Oh, that's fine. No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't close. Oh, it doesn't connect.

Starting point is 00:04:28 So if I'm talking to you, my teeth are okay, but if I close, so to eat and to bite stuff, it's not good. Look at this. No, no, no, no, put it away. Yeah, show yours. No, I don't want to. Oh, I don't want to, honest statement.

Starting point is 00:04:44 No, I don't want to do that because I'm embarrassed. I messed up bottom teeth. Your bottom. So it's the same thing. Nobody looks at that sleeve really came together. Thanks. Really good. Spacing's impeccable. Smile. Smile. Let me see. Smile. Just smile. Yeah, you don't look. No, no, no. Stop whore. Bangatud. Show. Let the beetles out. Bangatud. Let all the beetles out that live in there. No. No, that's not for your mouth.

Starting point is 00:05:10 That's where your eyes go. This is where you wear sunglasses in 2025. No, no, you can't see. You can't see. Look at that. Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. It's not that bad.

Starting point is 00:05:22 Thank you. I think your case would be good with the Invisalign. I should get in this align How much does it cost? How much does it cost? 4,000 I don't need it Fuck that. It's not that bad spending that. Oh, it's not that bad No, i'm gonna get my cat good cat food instead. Oh my god. I just got coyote the gnash Oh nnd It's italian God, I just got it. Cow did the nasty shit. That makes sense. Oh, N and D.

Starting point is 00:05:47 It's Italian. Primal. What is Italian? The food I get for the cats. It's Italian. It's from Italy, straight from Italy? I do a mix. It's N and D. I do Primal, freeze dried food with some pure,

Starting point is 00:05:58 I forget what it's called, Purell or whatever, kibble. You don't get Purell. Purell is That's soap. Well, what's the kind that it's called premium? Purina. Purina. Purina, Purell is not something

Starting point is 00:06:10 that you clean your bathroom. Yeah. No, I worked for the Purell family. They all reside in the big glass house at Grand Army Plaza in Brooklyn, the big, big, big, big glass building. They're very rich. Very rich, all Jewish, sorry.

Starting point is 00:06:26 I was the plant person. I had to go in wearing white gloves. I'm the messiest person you've ever met in your life and I had to not get dirt on anything. I had to take care of the plants. One time they said, move this giant. You're making up for lost time. Let me tell you. What? What? What? Is he dirty? Oh yeah. And then one time they said, move this giant, like 200 year old cactus to the other pot. What's happening? Someone is just a CPAP machine. Bathroom. So I had to hug the cactus and move it, stabbed myself a thousand times. Needed pure hand sanitizer to make it better.

Starting point is 00:06:58 That's good. I'm against hand sanitizer. It doesn't work in high school. We did a petri dish test where we swabbed hands after using it before. And more shit grew on the hands. I drank it. I just wanna tell you, I didn't understand one word you said since we started. Oh, that's who you're talking, Mr. Ossite

Starting point is 00:07:13 and I don't need to speak any English. I did, it's not easy. If it's fast, it's very confusing. I understood that you got hurt and you used some product that you shouldn't use. Yeah. Okay. Is that enough? From a cactus.

Starting point is 00:07:27 Yeah. You know what a cactus is? Cactus, yes. Cactus is the one that kink, kink. Yeah, that's what I got hurt. Yes, yes, yes. I figure out that I'm very likable in English, not as much as in Portuguese.

Starting point is 00:07:37 Really? Yeah. But you're like the number one star in Portugal. No, I wouldn't say number one. I was a star. Yes. Not number be, I was a star. Yes. Not number one. I was, I was, I'll say number six.

Starting point is 00:07:49 Wow. Like Tim Dillon level? Like Louie level or like Tim Dillon level? Wouldn't you say Tim Dillon's? No, he was like an actor. Jimmy Keno level. Yeah. Cause I used to have a talk show.

Starting point is 00:08:00 And you were also a pussy? I was also a pussy. Jimmy Keno stinks. Poor guy. You think he's a pussy? I was also a pussy. Give me, give me, thanks. You think he's a pussy? I'm attracted to Fallon. Fallon? Desperately attracted to him. He walked in while, well, Mikey was doing... I would never say that you would be attracted to him. He's so clean.

Starting point is 00:08:14 I'm attracted to... Oh, he was so magnetic. So clean. We're not naming people we're attracted to. You are... I cannot see you with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon is too clean. Yeah. What kind of men you like, Jordan?

Starting point is 00:08:28 You see her with like a mop with splinters on it. Tell me, tell me an actor that you are attracted to. Jimmy Fallon. The corpse of James Dean. I'm attracted, who am I attracted to? You just want to get a spot on a tonight show. Bruce Willis, young Bruce Willis. Yes. Wow, Bruce Willis, young Bruce Willis.

Starting point is 00:08:45 Yes. Wow, Bruce Willis and Die Hard, hunk of mania. Vince Vaughn, very attractive Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn is my number one choice. Ed Harris. Who's this guy? Who's this guy? Who's Ed Harris?

Starting point is 00:08:56 Ed Harris is, you know, zombie land. He wasn't in zombie land, you're thinking of Woody Harrelson. There's another. Who's Ed Harris? White man can jump, that's not the guy. Ed Harris was Sergeant Hemel, or Hemel, in The Rock. He was also the dad in Milk Money with Melanie Griffith.

Starting point is 00:09:17 Jack Nicholson's hot, young Jack Nicholson. Wow, you go completely different directions here. I like Sophia Loren. Oh my gosh. Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Jane Mansfield. Jane Mansfield, yeah. She was hot. Hot babe.

Starting point is 00:09:32 She was hot. Oh my God, we should play Heads Up with Rafi because he doesn't know anything. What is Heads Up? That would be really funny. That'd be torture. What is Heads Up? Heads Up is a forehead game we play

Starting point is 00:09:42 where you have to, words come up and you give the person hints and it'd be funny to play with a foreigner. Yeah, we can do that if you guys want. So you were a guy you were on the British Brazilian equivalent of Saturday Night Live. Wow yeah it was actually Saturday Night Live. Is it called that? Yeah we had a version of Saturday Night Live. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was actually Saturday Night Live. Is it called that? Yeah. We had a version of Saturday Night Live in Brazil. And I was the Lorne Michaels. Not only, yeah, I was the producer, the main producer.

Starting point is 00:10:15 And also I do, I did Weekend Update. Wow. I would hire people. You just copied ours? No, no, no. we actually bought the format. They went there and I came here and I watched them do the show. I spent the whole week with them.

Starting point is 00:10:32 What happened? What happened with the show? It sucked. The show sucked. Really? Yeah, it wasn't good. Oh. It's very difficult, Jor.

Starting point is 00:10:42 Why? I'm gonna do this. Why is it difficult? Because If you think about it, Saturday Night Live is a very old type of show. So you know why you guys watch the show? It's because it's part of the culture. If you launch the show now with people reading like cards and stuff, it looked old. It's like live theater on TV, which was something we used to do like in the 70s and 80s. It looks weird with the way they're like, yeah, and then this happened and this happened.

Starting point is 00:11:10 Why are you looking there? But you guys do it in a way that it's okay. It's okay, you guys like it. And you're used to that type of thing. In Brazil, it looked old already. Because you introduced it later. Like what year did it start in Brazil? It was 2014, I think oh wow 14 so how did you become ever get messed up

Starting point is 00:11:32 how did you become the guy that basically was behind Brazil Saturday Night Live I used to I am one of the guys who started stand-up in Brazil okay it was a group of like me and another five. You started standup comedy in Brazil. It was me and another five people doing it for a few years. We started in 2004. So. How did you start it? Just standing on a box.

Starting point is 00:11:58 Yeah. In the middle of the soccer stadium. Yeah. No. All of us, we had. He hates you. No, I don't like it. No, he loves me. He loves me.

Starting point is 00:12:10 I have a deep relationship. Will you feel? Look, I have my little. Just satiate me and feel all bumpy, that is. What happened? I have the same one. I've been petting it all day. Right?

Starting point is 00:12:18 Why? Feel this. You went a little too deep. No, no, no. Because sometimes when there's a weather change the ink raises. No, it doesn't. That's weird. Yeah, it does. That's weird. Yeah, it does. So this is an old one and it still goes back. Yeah, it happens on my legs sometimes, happens sometimes on my arms with the weather change. I used to get really red and itchy. Can we not? I want to know about this.

Starting point is 00:12:41 Not that. Oh yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. It's okay, it's interruption, it's fine. Not when it's asinine. It's your show, who cares about me? I wanna know why you got canceled. Nobody's watching this. Tell us the deets. Tell us the deets. Nobody's watching this thinking about me. They watch because of you.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Well wait, how did you start? I wanna hear about your rashy ass. How did you start stand-up comedy? How did you become like the starter of standup? How did you get people to be interested in standup in Brazil? Okay, my comedy reference was never Brazil. I used to watch sitcoms and talk shows.

Starting point is 00:13:20 That's what I liked. I came to America in 1999 to play basketball. Had a scholarship, so I watched on Comedy Central, those Comedy Central Presents, remember? 25 minute specials. And I remember watching that. So when I went back to Brazil, I really wanted to do comedy.

Starting point is 00:13:36 That's what I really wanted to do. That's what I wanted to do in my life. I was already producing some stuff on the internet. It's very worry about his arm. Sorry, sorry, it itches a bit. I'm listening. Hold the guy if you have to. So the thing is, I gather four or five people that knew what stand-up was, because they had this aphorism like, America, we were comedians, and we were like, we all know what this is, why don't we

Starting point is 00:14:00 just get together and do a show? Yeah. Start. Start doing it. Let's see if this becomes something. So it took a long time for people to understand it because the type of comedy that we have in Brazil is characters and impersonators, people wearing wigs and doing weird voices, you know, and impersonating celebrities. I was never like a guy going up on stage to be himself. He was, but he was not stand-up. We had those types of guys, but it was like three or four. It was more like a one-man show and then he would sing and then he would tell a story. That was the stand-up that we had.

Starting point is 00:14:38 So it was never actually stand-up comedy. It was never distilled down to jokes and observations and experiences made for laughter. And you write your own material. People do like street jokes, you know? The people who are not doing characters were doing more street jokes and stuff. Why do you think the comedy was just like, let's all go see a guy that's like, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

Starting point is 00:15:02 Instead of like, here's a joke. But isn't that a lot of it, guys that are making noises? Yes, no, no, no, completely bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, It's very accurate. What is it like? It is. Sometimes racism is accurate. Where they just go ham with it. It's like alt comedy. What? The type of shows that we have? Yeah. No, we had like people doing doubles of like characters on stage and some characters, some people would perform like a standup comedy show, but being a character.

Starting point is 00:15:39 So the guy was gonna introduce himself like, hi guys, I'm Jose and I am drunk. And then he'll tell stories about when he was drunk. So there's an actor playing a character. So my generation was the one that got, that popularized this type of comedy. Like, okay, my, I am Rafael. That's who I am.

Starting point is 00:16:00 And this is what I've been living. And I'm going to tell real stories about my mother and father. So it was very confusing at first because people would come up to me at the end of the show and they were like, oh I love this guy from the south that he has like a Jewish father that you do on stage. No, no, that's that's why it was confusing. Oh interesting. Very confusing.

Starting point is 00:16:22 They thought you were doing a guy. They thought I was doing a guy and I'm gonna tell you it's still a little bit confusing in my country because it's... Because it's a third world country. Yeah it's really third world. Third world really. That's really just pooping in streets and stuff. No they're Brazilian not Indian. Go ahead. They don't have toilet paper there. He's upset. Why do you think they call it a Brazilian when they wax? It's because they got to keep all the fleas out of the pussy hair. Oh yeah, oh I didn't know that.

Starting point is 00:16:47 Yeah. I didn't know. See, I'm learning about my country here. Thank you for wearing shoes today, by the way. Thanks for not putting a banana on your head when you came down here. Hey, how come you guys have this? I don't think this podcast is gonna...

Starting point is 00:17:07 You're fucking Moroccans. I don't think this podcast is gonna help me in my country. What the fuck? I don't think my country is gonna be proud of me doing this podcast. Why a banana? How come you guys have such hot transsexuals down there? Listen, we do have them. They have the hottest people ever.

Starting point is 00:17:22 Why? You know why? They're so beautiful. Because everybody in Brazil has a nice butt. Yeah. Women, men, dogs, old people and rats. Everybody. The dogs. So you can become a woman and then you have a butt.

Starting point is 00:17:37 But why is transsexualism so largely accepted and like such a big thing in Brazil? There's no question. I don't know is it yeah see that's not a field that i'm researching lately he's a he's sick of okay i know that a lot of a lot of trans people from brazil move to italy a lot to sell via trip to it. I love Italy. They go to Europe a lot to make some money. That helps a lot. So yeah, we have- Where is Brazil in relation to Italy?

Starting point is 00:18:09 Do we have a globe? Oh my God, Jordan. Do your research. Are you serious? You don't know? You don't know? You don't know? I see it in your eyes.

Starting point is 00:18:17 Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. You tell me first. No, no, no. Now I want to know if you guys know. Brazil is here and Italy is here. Wait, wait, wait. Let's see. I'm going to now I want to know if you guys know. Brazil is here and Italy is here. Wait, wait, wait. Let's see. I'm going to get a map. Brazil is in South America.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Talk while I search. Okay. Talk while I search. Brazil is in South America. Which is like if the United States is here. Oh, the food. Mexico is here. Brazil is here. And then Italy is over here. No, no. Yes. Wait. here. Brazil is here. And then Italy is over here. No, no. Yes. Wait. Yes. Brazil is not working.

Starting point is 00:18:48 Brazil is in Africa. Get your phone because this is not working here. Oh, here. Hold on. You can look. The Wi-Fi. OK, they can edit this, right? America. South America. Taipan. Wait, wait. Uh, Mapa Mungi. No, we don't. We speak it. Mapa Mundi.

Starting point is 00:19:07 No, we don't, we speak it in English into our phones. Yeah, this is English time. I think it works. This one gets, okay, okay. There's a map with no names, okay? Uh-huh. Map with no names, map with no names. Horse in a desert with a map with no name no Jordan points first because

Starting point is 00:19:26 she has no idea oh Jordan this is gonna be hilarious can i show i already told her where can i where can i show come here come to this camera come to this camera that camera yeah yeah you're gonna okay Jordan is gonna point where Brazil is i already already told her. No, you have no point specifically. Jordan. Ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja. You're lying. That's the Pentagon. You're lying.

Starting point is 00:20:03 No, that's, that's. That's the Pentagon. No. lying. No, that's a pentagon. No. You think Brazil's this size here? No, no, it's not there. I would never do that. It's not the pentagon. It's that little guy there. Wait.

Starting point is 00:20:11 There's nothing little about it. That's Uruguay. Oh, then it's for sure over here. That's Chile. Okay. Where is it? There. Where is it, Ian?

Starting point is 00:20:24 You tell me. where is Brazil? Brazil is there. Oh my God. No, I'm kidding, that's a joke, get back here. Brazil, this is Brazil. Yeah. Oh my God. Idiot.

Starting point is 00:20:38 You knew that? Yes. Did it work, did it work on camera? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did? Now, now, show her where Italy is. I know where Italy is. That's where my people are from, Constantine.

Starting point is 00:20:49 Italy is here. No, no, no, tell her, get her to guess. Okay. Tell me where is it? He just showed us all of South America and said it was Brazil. What? Where is Italy?

Starting point is 00:21:02 The boot. The boot. Wait, wait, you just said Brazil was all of South America. It's almost 60, 70% of South America is Brazil. Brazil is the size of 70%. So look at South America. It's okay. It's okay.

Starting point is 00:21:17 It's okay. Education in America is fine. It's okay. It's not her fault. No. It's okay. We're running water so I didn't need to do that. I'm not mad at you, it's okay.

Starting point is 00:21:25 American people have no idea about geography. Why do we, we don't have to ever leave. We don't have to leave, we have everything here. You wanna see beautiful mountains, you go to California. From the Gulf Stream waters to the Fountain. One in two Americans knows. That's a statistic. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 00:21:43 God, I love when I prove I'm smarter than you. You are smarter. Anyway, so, is all you pointing in a little? Ella, geography wise, you're better. I went to an alternative community school, Democratic for the Arts, okay? I know what a pig lung looks like and that you can inflate it from the outside of a pig. Oh, that's very sweet. Yes, I also know how to grow basil so that you can make testa.

Starting point is 00:22:10 Okay, so Rafi, you started comedy in Brazil. I started stand up. You started stand up in Brazil, like purest pure form stand up in Brazil. Speaking, before it was like this. Okay, let's feel, let's make Rafi feel at home. Poso cuesta la biblioteca. Ah, ah, ah, ja, ja, ja. And then Raffi comes in like this. My mother and father, they used to hit me

Starting point is 00:22:36 and now I am very cool. That's Bolivia. That's Bolivia. And this guy here is Antonio Banderas. He's from Spain. That's not Brazil. There's guy here is Antonio Banderas. He's from Spain. That's not Brazil. There's nothing with Brazil. You have nothing.

Starting point is 00:22:48 All reference other countries. Other countries. Now- Did you get a lot of pussy because you're the guy- I got a lot of pussy. Let's talk about finally, finally a subject that I can enjoy.

Starting point is 00:22:59 What's Salma Hayek smell like? Finally they're talking about Brazil. We got to Brazil now. Yes. Tell us about the pussy. Yes. Yes. Sorry, when I get excited I pull on the mic.

Starting point is 00:23:16 Oh my God. I got some pussy. Yes, yes. Because you were an innovator. Oh, not because of comedy. Just because it was very handsome. Oh man, look at him. He's a full tribal tattoo.

Starting point is 00:23:25 Look at him. Yeah, really, you probably got a hammer on you too. Let me tell you something. You guys are more worried about height than any other country in the world. People are- Is that crazy? Yeah, you guys are very high audience. Have you ever felt what it feels like to hug you?

Starting point is 00:23:42 You haven't. Is it good? Feels like a big bear is taking you home. I give good hugs. If you stood on that table, maybe. Wow. Wow. Do you mind Ian, actually? Could you just hug Rafi? Yeah. Hug me. The way I do it, this arm goes under his arm and head on the chest. Closer, closer. Yeah. How's that feel? Closer, closer. Yeah. How's that feel? His elbow is in my face. What elbow? My neck.

Starting point is 00:24:08 Yeah, that's what feels good. My nose is in his forearm and it went like this. It hurt my face to hug him. No, it's nice. Hugging you is like this. It is. No. I give...

Starting point is 00:24:21 Let me hug. Let me hug. I hug your knee fine. This is me hugging over your head. Yeah, this is me. I just hug your calf. How tall are you? Five, eight, six and a half. I'm five, nine. You're tall.

Starting point is 00:24:39 Yes. Stand up. Stand up. I'm taller. I'm. No, she's much taller than you. That's not one inch. That's much taller than me. That's not one inch. That's much more. That's like a least four. From your point of view, Jack and the bean of stock.

Starting point is 00:24:55 Are you less than five eight? Dude, because I'm five seven. OK, total. But with these, I'm five like nine. I'm wearing boots. You are wearing boots. Take the boots off and I'll be as tall as you're both wearing boots Well to boot off Who'd also I get lower? I'll still be an inch taller than you. Well, then fine Listen, there's nothing wrong with short guys. If you carry yourself like a tall man

Starting point is 00:25:23 if you carry yourself like a tall man. What? A man on his head. So why do you guys go, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja? That's Mexico. That's Mexico. That's Spanish. That's not Portuguese. Portuguese we go ha, ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 00:25:38 That's how I go. Yeah, that's how we do it. It's the same thing. Yeah. Ja, ja, ja is- Why do they do that? They don't do that. They don't. that? They don't, they don't. Why do they do that? They spelled Ja ja ja. He doesn't use H's. We do KKK.

Starting point is 00:25:56 Well, not here. We don't, not here. We don't, we don't have, we don't have black people, so it's okay. Oh, so it's okay to get gay. So you live in... Paradise. Oh my god. Okay. Move to America to be canceled again. So what happened? How did you get canceled? I didn't interrupt him.

Starting point is 00:26:18 What happened? Well, a few things happened. Comedy in Brazil, like stand up is new. That's what I was saying before. It's like going up on stage or doing a TV show and not being a character was risky, you know, because that's yourself. So if someone says some shitty stuff being a character, you cancel the character. You don't cancel the person. Right. So we are very exposed with our ideas when you're yourself on stage. Not only on stage but like on TV and stuff. Here, Gillis as a character got cancelled. Stupid. With the character? There's a character. He was imitating the city of New York. Someone that

Starting point is 00:27:01 dislike Chinese people. The city of New York. Like I'll do a character now as this dog. But that's ridiculous. He just got castled because he got too big. Nobody is not big. Is that what happened to you? I was very big, yes. So they were searching for some stuff. And I was very sarcastic and ironic,

Starting point is 00:27:22 which is something also not that used, not that common for a comedian. So yeah. What did you get canceled for? A few things, but the most... You don't want to go into specifics? Oh yeah, it's okay. Of course I go. The more, the more, they gave me more trouble, put me more in trouble. I was live on TV and we showed this singer, she was pregnant.

Starting point is 00:27:53 Oh yeah, I love this one. This is good. I don't know this one. And she was pregnant and then we showed her, she's very pretty. And the other host asked me, I was hosting the show. He asked me, oh hosting the show he asked me oh she's pregnant do you think that she's still hot and I said oh she's so hot that I would fuck her and her baby that's what I said. Imagine getting canceled for that yeah that's so crazy. You should have said it is this cute

Starting point is 00:28:18 little dog yes I would fuck her and her baby. Yeah but that was like he was this one was I think was the fight the last straw. I was already I was already doing some some jokes that was kind of risky for a while on tv and also it's on tv so it's not like I was on stage. Are you guys allowed to cuss and show boobs on tv? No. No? No I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think the show would get canceled because you're cursing, but I don't remember us cursing on TV. It's not like completely forbidden, but people don't do it.

Starting point is 00:28:53 Right, but you said it was like a wink and a nod. Like, she's so hot, I'd have sex with her and her baby. Yeah, I would fuck her. Fuck her. It was not as strong as fuck. It was less than fuck. It was like, what is less than fuck here. It was not as strong as fuck. It was less than fuck. It was like, what is less than fuck here?

Starting point is 00:29:08 Not as- Make love. No, make love is very sweet. It's nice. But bang. Bang. Bang, bang, bang. Good.

Starting point is 00:29:15 I would bang her and her baby, that's what I said. And people didn't like it. Yeah. And I was in trouble. It's not the most appropriate. Didn't you have something with your co-host being? Tell me. My co-host?

Starting point is 00:29:27 Didn't you have a co-host that got in trouble? No, some people, some of my friends got canceled in Brazil. That happens a lot. I thought somebody you were working with got canceled hardcore. Somebody I was working with, I was the biggest cancellation there, I think. Well, what does that mean, cancel?

Starting point is 00:29:46 I'm not proud of it. Wasn't your friend, didn't they find like... Forget about the friend! Okay, okay. I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh my God, I'm gonna spend 30 minutes searching for a friend that I have no idea. Wait, wait, wait, because you don't want to talk about it? No!

Starting point is 00:30:02 No, because it doesn't exist. You made it up in your mind. I'm talking about me fucking a baby. Do you think I'm gonna not talk about my friend? What are you talking about? Oh, no, no. That's another thing, but that's not a cancellation. Yeah, I don't know if I want to talk about this. Okay. Because there was a... But acknowledge I was right. Yeah, but he was not canceled. It was a very tragic ending. I'm telling you after the show, very tragic. Okay, so when you say canceled, what do you mean like you were just fired? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't want to run away from a subject, but we are in a very fun environment to me to go there

Starting point is 00:30:40 because that ends. But that's her thing. She's like we're having fun. Let's stop going to himself. Listen to RIP Jordan Jensen for the real stuff. Yes, RIP go there because that ends. But that's her thing. She's like we're having fun. Let's stop it. Listen to R.I.P. Jordan Jensen for the real stuff. Yes R.I.P. Jordan Jensen. I'm going to talk about my dad friend. Yeah. No. Yeah. Sounds fun. Anyway so when you say you got canceled you got fired and then were you blackballed? I didn't got fired. I quit. I resigned. I was suspended and then I was like oh no no if you guys are going to play this, oh no, no, if you guys are gonna play this, I don't wanna play like you guys wanted to play this game. Were like articles written about, could you like not leave your home?

Starting point is 00:31:11 Like were there mobs of people like, fuck this guy? Like people were yelling at you in public? I used to own a comedy club. There was like people protesting in front of my comedy club, like banging on the doors with like signs. My face was in play. People are like printing my face on the streets. You would see like poster with my face on the street.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Stories on TV, people talking. Celebrities talking. The babe was so mad at me. The baby that I fucked. He was so mad. Babies, so mad at me the baby that I fucked he was babies babies angry at me so he was not fun that must have been so mentally jarring and well yeah here's the thing I'm a comedian you know so when you get in this situation of being counseled you have you have choices right it's like at the end of the day, I never hurt anyone.

Starting point is 00:32:06 I never even cheated on my wife. So it's not like I was hurting people. I was just doing my job. So it was different than being canceled because I was abusive, you know? Because I went out with a girl and I kind of was forced her into having sex with me. I knew that it would take a little time,

Starting point is 00:32:25 but people finally would understand, like, I think we are being a little too harsh on this whole freedom of speech thing. This is not good for everybody. I knew it would take a lot of time, but I think I never got my, people never excused me. My friends, my fans, people who are probably watching this thing that we are talking right

Starting point is 00:32:48 now, people love me. I have a very good relationship with them. I still have a very good audience. I can travel all around the world. I'm very happy with my career, but I lost a lot. Yeah. I lost money. I lost sponsorships.

Starting point is 00:33:04 I lost TV shows, opportunities. Is that why you moved? A little bit. It wasn't the main purpose why I moved. I really wanted to do this. At the end of the day, it was good. Because now I have a chance to prove myself in front of people that I admire. That are actually good.

Starting point is 00:33:20 Learn with people all the time. I'm proving myself in the biggest stage in the world. So at the end of the day, it's good. Learn people, learn with people all the time. I'm proving myself in the biggest stage in the world so that at the end of the day it's good but I'm still not the same guy that I once was in Brazil and I will never be because I chose not to apologize. I did something. I chose a few paths that didn't help me, hurt me more, you know? Stop living in your old tattered clothes and upgrade your wardrobe with Chubbies. Check out their Everywhere Pants. It'll take you from the couch at the casino

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Starting point is 00:34:53 Robbed on Instagram so hilarious amount. Robbed. He'll post a video, he'll post a video. Robbed. He'll post a video and people will just straight up take it, do the exact same one, get millions of people. Like, like, I saw one and I was like, Raffi, this is so fucked up.

Starting point is 00:35:10 And he goes, Oh, you want to see fucked up. And then showed me so many literally being like, why is he, why is it he dances? Is he dancing more than me? It's just like this hot woman doing his bit. Oh yeah. It's crazy. Like if that happens to one of us, like Sam Morella happened to it and it was just like, yeah, right!

Starting point is 00:35:30 It was like stakes and arrows. It is happening every day. People rob my shit so much. No way. Don't give me credit. They couldn't care less. It sure seems a cloud of shit is following Robbie Bastos wherever he goes.

Starting point is 00:35:44 It's really funny that like the- That's wild. It sure seems a cloud of shit is following Ravi Bostos wherever he goes. It's really funny that like the... Some people steal my videos, repost without saying who I am. Some people just steal my material and do themselves without telling that this is my idea. Same. They don't even change it. Why do you think that happens specifically to you?

Starting point is 00:36:00 Because I have an international appeal that some of you guys don't have. Oh, and so people from international, they do it and they don't understand. No, no, no, no, no, because a lot of his jokes online are about how being a foreigner in the United States. So then foreigners will just take his words, do it and it'll, you know what I mean? Because they're foreigners. So then, so then... Sorry for saying foreigners. Foreigners, racist, but it's okay.

Starting point is 00:36:21 So then- Sorry for saying foreigners. Foreigners, racist, but it's okay. It's, so their peers are gonna share. It's like there's a good sharing ability on my stuff and they do it because they know it's gonna work with them. Oh, I did a video. I did a video that was like how to survive with $20 in New York, bro.

Starting point is 00:36:44 Now it's to the point that when I write down, I comment like, oh guys, this is my video, can you credit me? Piece of shit, I copied this guy from Ecuador. So it's like people are copying my copies. And I don't have ownership and I'm like, I swear it was my idea. I swear.

Starting point is 00:37:04 I created, I was in the middle like, I swear it was my idea. Oh my god. I created, I was in the middle of the street and I had this idea. No, I stole this from a guy in Egypt. It's like I lost control. That's crazy. It's okay. So how did, how, when you had all this happen to you in Brazil, do you mind me asking how you mentally navigated this without letting it get the best of you and like turning towards like depression when you saw Everything kind of crumbling like that's just very fascinating to me to see you kind of get past it It's a so good question. Thank you. Nobody ever asked me that really. Yes interesting. Yes. Thank you Because yeah, you don't need to go to our IP Jordan Jensen

Starting point is 00:37:43 Knows that the only reason Ian asked that is because I said the RIP thing two seconds ago. No, because I'm genuinely interested. 100 and 10 percent. You don't have to fucking switch over to that piece of shit. Two seconds ago I said listen to RIP for the real stuff. You must be less transparent. You have to at least let like 15 minutes go by. No, that's your ego. You never ask that anything like that in your life and then I say RIP and you go go, would you want to tell me, you use the word navigate? We don't ever get to anything interesting with people on here.

Starting point is 00:38:11 See? Oh my God. Maybe there was a wake up call for me. That's so funny. And he was like, you know what, maybe I should ask some stuff. Yeah, totally. Instead of just playing with my fucking dog all the time. Yeah, no, it is good.

Starting point is 00:38:21 No, that's a good idea. Very, very good idea. A little too much, but very good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, answering your question. Navigate is hilarious. That is good. No, that's a very good idea. A little too much, but very good. I guess. Okay. Navigate is hilarious. That was good. That was good. Shut up.

Starting point is 00:38:33 Tell us. Come on, Magellan. How did you navigate the rough waters of this time in your life? It's very, very difficult. Yeah. And there was nobody that I could talk to. He's immediately asleep. He's immediately just a dog, cartoon dog, chasing a cat around the tree. He brought a good question.

Starting point is 00:38:54 He brought a good question. Raffi's like, that was the first time anybody's ever asked that, and Ian's like, oh good, it's listening time now. Which is not true, but I'm just trying to make Ian happy. So. Okay. Yeah. How did you navigate it, Ravi? Less is more.

Starting point is 00:39:09 Go ahead. It was difficult because I didn't have anyone to talk to. You know, that was canceled. I think was the first big cancellation in this era, you know. I had some people in the past who didn't support the dictatorship and got canceled or supported. So that happened already, but in this time with like social media and everybody giving their feedbacks

Starting point is 00:39:40 and stuff, that's the first one that happened. There's nobody to talk to. But at the end of the day, Ian, the thing that I have is your pants are ripped and the fucking, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving an interview for one testicle. I rode a bike and it ripped my pants open. I'm sorry. Talk to the pillow. So it was, at the end of the day what I thought was like if I let this affect me too much I will end up hurting everyone around me. Everyone around me like my wife at the time, my kid, my father and mother, they all have to know that I'm doing okay. Because if I

Starting point is 00:40:22 they all have to know that I'm doing okay. Because if I feel bad and if I feel sorry for myself, I feel depressed, I feel like my whole environment would hurt, you know, get hurt with this. And I was like, it's okay. You have to think like, there's people with much worse problems. People who have- Especially in Brazil.

Starting point is 00:40:43 People who, I live in- Bow and arrows. But that's true. Every time- Machetes. I used to work on a TV show problems that people especially in Brazil people I live in arrows but that's true every time machetes I used to work on a TV show and I would see horrible things all the time yeah people suffering people struggling people who lost their kids and murders and I saw so many shit yeah okay yeah that's horrible but at the same time it's like I'm alive, my kid is healthy, my wife is doing okay. But when you're like going out

Starting point is 00:41:09 and you see yourself in a newspaper, see like pictures of you and people are like, bad man, like was there a part of you screaming that wanted to be like, hey, I'm a good guy, like fuck you, how did you not do that? You know why? I found out really quick that the only way for me to survive this wave was having fun. When you're angry, you're not funny. When you're like living in a very difficult

Starting point is 00:41:35 situation and you ended up just going out of the water and being like, you know, being able, us as comedians, we feel like we are breathing when we are able to make fun of this shit. So I did videos and I made fun about this and I did some stuff. I was having fun and it was awesome. For me personally, it was awesome. It hurt me even much more. Because I just, you know,

Starting point is 00:42:00 me-multiplicate the whole thing. So it's like this guy's a psychopath. The whole country wants him dead and he's like doing videos and jokes. About you fucking babies. Oh my God, that was horrible. I did a, I did sketches making fun of like,

Starting point is 00:42:15 there's some, when you go to a barbecue shop, a barbecue place in Brazil, there's like names of meats. And some of those names remind me of like a baby stuff. The names of the meats. So I would eat those things. I had so much fun. It was fun for me and as a... How can I say? It was a move. It was me like stepping and being like I'm not gonna apologize. This was... This is me. I'm a comedian. This is what I do.

Starting point is 00:42:45 It's okay. Maybe the choice I did hurt me much more. I know it hurt much more. If I had just apologized and being forgetful and being like, and just say, I'm sorry, that was my mistake. Sometimes across the line, and this one was a horrible one. I feel sorry, and I apologize to her family

Starting point is 00:43:03 and stuff publicly. I'll probably, everything will be okay the next day, I'm pretty sure. But I was like, what I, I think it's important right now in my country that someone does this for people to understand that this is comedy. And if I apologize that, I would be apologizing about everything the next day, you know? So it was my choice to choose this path. I chose a path that was very difficult, but at the end of the day was the path that made me sleep well with my pillow. What's this expression in that?

Starting point is 00:43:36 Sleep well. Lay your head at night and feel proud. No. Is that? No. It allowed me to go to sleep at night. I could sleep. I could sleep at night.

Starting point is 00:43:47 Yes. Very good. No pillow involved in the sentence, but yes. So. He said, it allowed me to go to bed at night with my pillow. As if they were like, you can't have that. Yeah. They took your pillow away.

Starting point is 00:44:00 They took your pillow away. Stand by yourself or we take your pillow. Sleep standing up. You know, we do sleep with a pillow. I just wanna sleep with my pillow. What do you want? You're being cast, people wanna die. I just want to sleep with my pillow.

Starting point is 00:44:17 Don't take my pillow. Take my career, don't take my pillow. We say how do you sleep at night. Over my cold dead pillow. How do you sleep at night? Yeah, it allowed me to go to sleep at night? If you wanna do that thing. How do you sleep at night? Yeah, it allowed me to go to sleep at night. Yeah, so I was, I survived.

Starting point is 00:44:29 I survived. And I did so many things after that. It's okay. But it's kinda, I still, is still something that is very present in my life. Even to this day. Yeah. In one way. Well first of all I feel like my country still see me at this controversial figure you know that is always like saying

Starting point is 00:44:58 forbidden stuff which it's not part of who I am but But I think because I made fun and people know me by this, not as much as they did before, the years went by and I did so many different things and things like that. You're like the cleanest comic at The Cellar. I'm very clean now. I wouldn't say clean like I curse a lot, but I don't feel the need of, I don't know how to say this in English.

Starting point is 00:45:26 Being vulgar. No, not being vulgar. I am vulgar, very vulgar. But what I'm saying is like poke the bear. I don't feel the need to poke the bear to prove a point anymore. To be edgy or whatever. Edgy for the sake of edgy.

Starting point is 00:45:37 Exactly. I'm 48. I have so many things that I wanna talk about. You're 48? I'm 48. Good God, you look great. Thank you very much. So I feel- Guess how old Ian 48. Good God. You look great. Thank you very much.

Starting point is 00:45:45 So I feel- Guess how old Ian is. Don't. He's 40. She's 37. 40. 40? 40.

Starting point is 00:45:52 Yeah, guess how old she is. She's 45. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 32? 33? 23. You're 23? Plus a lot.

Starting point is 00:46:06 I just have sad eyes. You do have sad eyes. And face. You have pretty eyes. Thanks. You're a beautiful woman. I'm 33. No, I'm not, but thank you.

Starting point is 00:46:13 Yes, you are. You are. Take the compliment and say, I am a beautiful woman. You are a beautiful woman. You are very beautiful. How many people have sex with in your lifetime? Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:46:24 Jesus. Christ. It's a very good question. How many people have sex with in your lifetime? Oh my God. Jesus Christ. How many people have had sex with? 60. 60. Okay. Wow. Wait, let me count. Oh yeah, brother.

Starting point is 00:46:35 I'm just. How about you? I'm not surprised with the number. I'm surprised how good at math she is. She was so quick. Yeah, I'm crazy. She was like. No, it's not 60.

Starting point is 00:46:44 It's like 40. That's is. She was so quick. Yeah, I'm crazy. She was like. No, it's not 60. It's like 40. That's crazy. It's like 40. For the memory.

Starting point is 00:46:52 There are there people you've been texted with that you forget? I went like this. I went probably five in high school, right? Probably 10 in college. Okay. Probably 10 between college and comedy. Comedy probably.

Starting point is 00:47:03 You nearly hoarded up in comedy. Probably 10 again in comedy. So how many is that? 40? Yeah. Oh, wow. How about you? I would say a little more, not much more. Like 50, I would say.

Starting point is 00:47:20 Really? Yeah. Even in the golden age? Yeah, yeah. I was married for 13 years. Oh my goodness. Yeah. I was married. And you were loyal? Very loyal. Very loyal. Never cheated. Wow. Because of God or something? No, because it's the right thing to do. Yeah. Well, everybody cheats. Yeah, I know. No, they don't. Not everybody. I didn't. I didn't. No. Ian cheats. Stop with your eyes. I

Starting point is 00:47:42 don't think you. Were you just existing? Yeah. That eye just floats that way. I didn't. I didn't. Now, stop with your eyes. Are you just existing? Yeah, that eye just floats that way. I didn't cheat. I don't, I don't, I think I've stepped out in the past, but for years I have not and I choose not to anymore. Not for years. Are you single now? I am single. And in those two weeks I didn't do anything. Have you ever chewed? Yeah she has. She literally was hovering over a guy's dick, called a boyfriend and was like, we're no longer dating and then he goes fine, hangs up and hops on the cock. What is hovering? Hovering is like

Starting point is 00:48:21 sitting above without sitting down. Levitating. That's, that's gonna hurt. This is hovering. So, so like if this was a cock, Pressuring yourself. If this was a cock, right? She was, she literally was like this, called, called a guy and said, I'm breaking up with you. And he goes, what?

Starting point is 00:48:39 And she goes, we're done. Hangs up and then, Okay. And then it entered her body. That's not cheating. That's not cheating. Not cheating. No, but it is evil.

Starting point is 00:48:50 It's very bad. But not cheating. And what led up to it is emotional cheating. My question was, did you cheat? Was not are you a horrible person? Yeah. If that was the question, she would probably say, yeah, I'm a horrible person. See, that's good.

Starting point is 00:49:04 You've cheated. I have only just awful slept with men in the past while I've been with women and in my mind and I realized it is not true and wrong and I was younger but I thought it wasn't cheating because it was with a guy and it was a part of myself. I was hiding, but ever since I've come out about that part of my life, I have not stepped out. I have not cheated. So fuck you, hoverer. Have you ever cheated a guy with a woman? I've never dated a guy. Oh, okay. Just casual shit. Okay. Got it. Why not? I'm gonna give it a shot. Oh Okay, that's cuz hit me with your best shot I will give you $50 if you actually data man $50. Yeah. Wow

Starting point is 00:49:57 Much more to be the guy. I know you're straight. Oh, yeah, he's crooked as a day alone You guys here's yourself a bad partner. 50 smackeroons. You actually date them, like bring them to the cellar, introduce in my new wallet. Why do you keep trying to show me this? Because you told me I need to get a wallet. Why did I say that? Do you have no wallet? I used to keep a.

Starting point is 00:50:20 Let me ask. Can I ask you something? I used to keep a billfold. Can I ask you something? What are to keep a billfold. Can I ask you something? What are you laughing at there, allergic? You're like 40 years old and you pull out a wallet and it's Velcro. Out of your front pocket, that's insane. When I arrived here, Jordan was downstairs

Starting point is 00:50:37 and you were upstairs. You guys out of the cameras kind of don't like each other? No, we hate each other. I tell you. Can't stand her. We don't talk. I knew it, we hate each other. I can't stand her. We don't talk. I knew it. There are people who are like that, you know. Really? No, they were. They were close, but now they don't. They hate each other for a while. Yeah, that's what I mean. No, no, it just we, I was upstairs and you go, no, yeah, they were close. And he goes, no, they hate each other. You're like, they hate each other. No, they were close and then they hate each other.

Starting point is 00:51:06 We're close and we don't hate each other. Do you like each other? We don't hang out that much outside. Do you like each other? But that's because we don't hang out. So why Jordan now has her own podcast? Because she wanted to have like serious time and bore people. And this is fun time, good time.

Starting point is 00:51:24 Okay, I understand. And also it fun time, good time. Okay. And also it's a good way to express yourself, to have a different outlet. Cause a lot of people watch podcasts and said, let me know when you started a podcast without it. So that was three people probably because one person will say something and Jordan goes, everybody. There was no drama. I was just trying to create a drama, but it didn't work. You guys, you guys. I just found myself being create a drama, but it didn't work. You guys are- I just found myself being really resentful towards Ian because it would stay poop and farts and stuff.

Starting point is 00:51:50 And I always found myself being like, God, I really wish I could have asked that person about that thing. And I know that it would have gone into a serious trajectory, but I wanted to do it. So then I was like, well, if I start my own podcast, which, and it did work, I'm way less resentful. The little I know you, I am almost sure

Starting point is 00:52:06 that you don't wanna do this in this place. What? How does he know that? Can I guess? I think Jordan really wants to leave this basement. Yeah. How does he know that? She says it all the time. I've never heard. Do you have a prophet?

Starting point is 00:52:21 I've never heard. I just wanna leave the basement. If we were in Manhattan in a studio that we made look like this, I'd be so happy. That's what I thought. She doesn't understand. I try. She doesn't understand how expensive that is. I feel like you would want to live here.

Starting point is 00:52:36 Live or leave? Leave. Yeah. Not the podcast. I love it. I love the environment, but I think you don't. I like this, I just want it in a Manhattan studio, like, are you garbage hats?

Starting point is 00:52:49 But she doesn't understand that that costs like eight grand a month. This is, I- You pay like 300 per hour, or 250 per hour. Yeah, but it's pointless when we already have something here that's already set up. I agree, I'm just trying to make Jordan happy. Well, fucking that ship has sailed there, foreigner.

Starting point is 00:53:08 That would really help. I bend over backwards for you, for everything. Yep, true. Tell me what you did for her. No, we're not doing that. I wanna see what, tell me what you did for her. Fucking name it, dickhead. Name stuff, say stuff, I'll say if I did it or not. I didn't understand what you said.

Starting point is 00:53:31 Oh, look who's playing that card. Hey, my country, we do not know. Name. That's what you said. Name. Say. I say. Say what? A thing. Name a thing. That you'd say an example.

Starting point is 00:53:47 Give an example. Oh, don't yell. It's not that kind of not hearing. You said that you did. It's not that kind of not hearing. Let me tell you something. When a foreign doesn't understand what you're saying, screaming is not gonna help.

Starting point is 00:54:02 I'm still not gonna understand. Say what? It was just so rude. I was lost. I was like say louder. It didn't help. No, you said that you went miles. You did a lot for her. And I wanna know what. And I'm saying name stuff and I'll probably say, yup. Those people send you messages saying you should have your own podcast without Jordan and do you defend her? Yes, publicly, personally, privately. When people talk shit about Jordan, do you defend?

Starting point is 00:54:46 Always. Go ahead. Do you, do you accept that? I went like this. Do you accept in this podcast, uh, guests, that you don't want to do but Jordan really wants to do it? Of course. Anyone.

Starting point is 00:55:01 Tell me a name. Oh, I'll say- I want to know a name. I would accept anyone, she says, if she ever fucking did it. Oh, I want to know a name. I would accept anyone she says if she ever fucking did it. Oh, she never did it. No. Well, she invited me. I told her. I didn't know. I didn't know. You better not say that. In the car. Well, Ian already had told me a long time ago. If you don't speak up right now, I will throw a huge fit. In the car, didn't we say we should ask Rafi? Jordan said we should ask Rafi and he went,

Starting point is 00:55:26 that's a great idea. Oh! All right. What? All right. Oh boy. And guess what? I apologize.

Starting point is 00:55:33 Oh. Can I say our conflict resolution has gotten next level amazing? Yeah, because I have a lot of holes in my walls from me punching him. Is it true, Jordan that what he's saying? Is better resolution? She's made me such a better person. Oh, that's so beautiful.

Starting point is 00:55:53 Because I've had to learn how to deal with her complete picture. Okay, suppose Jordan has a horrible disease that the only way for you to cure, you can cure the disease, but you have to fuck her in her butthole. You would do that without any disease. Rafis. Okay, let's play pretend. Let's play a new game called Pretend Disease. Would you do it?

Starting point is 00:56:15 I would do anything for her. Anything. But she's your friend, and that would be horrible. The situation is going to be horrible. Anything for her. Think of something you wouldn't do. Yeah, name a thing I wouldn't do for you.

Starting point is 00:56:27 I would fucking go to the end of the earth for you. Get use thirteen hundred dollars of the Patreon money to get a studio in Manhattan. Hmm. No, it's pointless when we have this here. I just wanted to double check that there was something that you would. If you would use the one thing I wouldn't do to prove some Magnificent point cleaning lady. I'll get a cleaning lady. I have so many rugs in the bathroom. That is my choice upstairs Because I like bathroom rugs

Starting point is 00:56:56 I think and I don't like not put stupid garbage on the wall that looks like absolute dog shit Well, guess what? I said, hey, why don't you bring stuff to put on the wall? And you said, oh, I'll do it. And then you never did. Never did. Oh, old promise and no follow through Jensen. I'm sorry, Jordan. If you want to change stuff, you change it. I would love her to. That would require being in this house for longer than I'm willing. That would require an ounce of effort. Just bring stuff when you come to record. What is your purpose here? What are you trying to do, brace face? I'm tired of talking about myself. I want to talk about you guys.

Starting point is 00:57:30 You, you little, you little saboteur. Ask us anything rapid fire and we'll answer it. Okay. What do you guys think is the hottest person that performs at the cellar? Oh, I don't want to say on camera. No. You have to say. You have to say. Oh God, I don't want to say on camera. No, you have to say it. Godfrey.

Starting point is 00:57:47 Okay, done. It's hot. It's okay. You think it's Godfrey? It's okay. Judy Gold. No, no, no. Someone that when you see her like, oh my God, I would love.

Starting point is 00:58:00 Michael Rowland. He's my friend. Oh, he's your friend. Are you saying this just because he's your friend? No, I think he's the hottest person who performs there. No, she's saying it to hurt me. He's 4'9". Hey!

Starting point is 00:58:12 Yeah. He's so ripped and hot. He's on TV. No, I think Michael's so hot. Okay, it's okay. Godfrey too. Simeon, also hot. Simeon.

Starting point is 00:58:24 Somebody told me the other day that you were their number one fuck. Who? Now I have to know. Who? Hmm. Oh my God. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:58:38 You're married though, right? She's pretty hot. Are you married? Yes, she's so hot. I am married. I'm trying to think of all the female girls. I'm just saying who I would probably have sex with. I mean, who I think is hot. No, I think your range is so big. You're secretly in love with him. I think you're very hot. Thank you very much.

Starting point is 00:58:57 No, Peter Ravello. Peter Ravello. Yeah. My God. You're right, I didn't, I forgot. The range, Michael Holland, Simeon Gibson. This is Michael Holland. Michael Roland is two different animals. It's fine. She's a whore. She's got, nothing makes sense. No, I take it all back. Peter Ravello, 100%. He's new at the cellar, so I forgot.

Starting point is 00:59:19 How about you? Peter. How about you? Hell yeah. Me? You got hair. I think Caitlin is very pretty Caitlyn is very pretty. Caitlyn is very pretty. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:59:32 Who else is pretty? You know who is pretty? I forgot her name, fuck. She's not very memorable. Amina. Is very pretty. Oh, Amina, yeah. She's a cutie.

Starting point is 00:59:44 She's very pretty. Stop. Amina. Yeah, she's a cutie. She's very pretty. Stop. He's not going to say you. Desperate. Ah, no, I didn't know we could say each other. No, Jordan is very interesting. Number one. I think Jordan, let me tell you something. It's the meanest thing I've ever heard. Jordan plays, oh, I'm buddy. I'm this and that.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Huge heart, very good girlfriend, and she would be an amazing wife. What is your fucking test data for this? She's very hot. What is your data for this? Bro, I don't know, it's just feeling. Just feeling. That's right, I'll say right now,

Starting point is 01:00:19 as the horse calling the kettle black, you're right. You're the horse calling the kettle horse. Big heart right. You're the horse calling the kettle horse. Big heart. When people know Jordan, at first. Big heart full of ice. Only towards you. Yeah, so fucking make that heart beat towards me a little. I can't because you do things that are abhorrent.

Starting point is 01:00:36 Why, like what? Like me saying the RIP thing and five minutes later you ask a very transparent question. I can't get down with that. That was not a transparent question. What are you talking about? I genuinely wanted to know what it was't get down with that. That was not a transparent question. What are you talking about? I genuinely wanted to know what it was like to go through that. Was that was, did I did a good answer? Did I bring a good answer?

Starting point is 01:00:52 Yeah, you fucking devil. Oh my God. Who would you fuck? Yeah, you didn't say. I'm not saying. Rachel Feinstein. Pretty hard. Wow. She's like, I'm having a hard time thinking. Pretty hot. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:01:07 Girls, I definitely think Rosebud's the hottest. Rosebud. Rosebud's hot. Casey Shormina's hot. Bro. Rosebud's body is unreal. Something about Jackie Fabulous does it for me. I don't know, he said that.

Starting point is 01:01:22 Yeah. I think she's pretty, but I didn't see as hot. Can we admit, I didn't ask that question as like a get back at you thing? I genuinely in the moment wanted to know how that felt and how that answered. You don't have to explain yourself. She's just making fun of you.

Starting point is 01:01:36 Clearly. Don't worry, it's all good. It's all good. So God-free. And I also didn't mean what I said. What'd you say? All of it. More questions.

Starting point is 01:01:50 Go. What was your worst guest in this podcast? No. No. No worst. We never released the episode. His lawyer told us not to. So he asked not to?

Starting point is 01:02:04 Yeah. He is a comedian? No, he's our gardener. Yeah, he's a comedian. Maybe there's like a singer or something or a friend or someone that is famous. Okay, who is the most famous person that came here to give you an interview? Ah! I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:02:25 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:02:33 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:02:41 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not vagina. What do you listen to? R&B. Sigoura. Yeah. What R&B do you listen to? Niners. Like Desiree? Desiree. Belbib Devoe? Montel Jordan. Oh, this is how we do it. Black Street. Boys 2 Men. Boys 2 Men. New Editiona-doo. Motto Jordan. Black Street. Wow. Boys to Men.

Starting point is 01:03:06 Boys to Men. New Edition. New Edition, yes. For sure. Menudo. That's not R&B. Shadé. That's the hottest person ever.

Starting point is 01:03:20 Shadé. Why is that? You both said mm in the same way, at the same tone, at the same time. I would love. And you both like mm. I would love. And you both like, hmm. I would love Shade. I love Shade so much.

Starting point is 01:03:28 I could marry her now. She's 95. Can I marry her now? More questions. More questions. More questions. Fast. Okay.

Starting point is 01:03:38 What was your, you have to say separately, okay? Okay. No, no, no. You have to tell about him and he has to tell about you what was your worst sexual experience ever you have to tell about him you know his sex experience he shared with you and you and you share with him so you gotta tell her okay okay i got a thing oh my worst sexual adventures um everything is nice. Everything? Yeah, it's not me.

Starting point is 01:04:06 Not everything. Okay, you remember? There's so many bad ones for him. Choose one. What, for you? Choose one. Wait, she tells me mine? Yeah, she tells yours and you tell hers.

Starting point is 01:04:23 You don't have to say the name of the person. Is it while we've been friends or just like in general? No, no, no, in general. Oh, I know you. Someone came inside you and you had to use the dipstick to pull it out. What is it? Someone. What?

Starting point is 01:04:39 Someone came in her by accident and she had to use like a sponge to get the come out. Yeah. After I had to do an advertisement for the sponge about how it pulls come out. Yeah. Also, that is that is a yeah, it was called like the dipstick. Yeah. OK, yeah, that's funny. How do you get that during the pandemic? I am. Yeah, they got us a couple of that's not my fault. Wait, but do you have to do it like right away?

Starting point is 01:05:13 And that was Ali Fish. She gave me that. She asked me who to contact. We were friends already. Well, you're fucking not living in the real world. You're going poopy in the body. I have a poopy body and I have a do it as soon as the guy comes in here? I did it quick. It looked like a lollipop.

Starting point is 01:05:30 It looked like it didn't, it wasn't comfortable. It looked like, remember those candy sticks? Yeah. What was it called? With the hard candy on the outside? Lollipops. No. Oh.

Starting point is 01:05:41 Have you ever heard about Plan B? I've taken Plan B. This was a plan. Z fucking big game to my guy. Me. Something with poop. No, OK, there was a squash buckler, the squirter. That was really bad. Um, how was something where you fucked somebody

Starting point is 01:06:03 and then their partner walked in, got you in trouble. You had to fuck them too or something. That never happened. I'm just describing like a looney tune. Oh, I fucked a girl on a piano film. Yeah. What was it?

Starting point is 01:06:16 I thought I was fucking her in the pussy, but it just turned out to be a drawn on a wall. I had some bad. Oh, I know your worst one. I know your worst one. Why? You can't. I can't say it on the pod. Why? Boo!

Starting point is 01:06:31 Boo! We fucked a land whale. A very obese person and also not a good person. Wow. She caught me in a low point in my life. Lowest point. And I made the mistake of saying. The lowest point is being a...

Starting point is 01:06:48 It was a woman, it was a woman. Wait. It was a woman. Sorry, sorry. I made the mistake of saying I had central air and she used that to come over. I was like, when are you gonna show me that air conditioner?

Starting point is 01:06:59 Sorry. Who? Who? What are you, a fucking hell? Who? Who? Just go to the fucking deli. Yeah. Don't come to my house to see my art condition.

Starting point is 01:07:10 Ah, it was a low point in my life. 2017 was a tough year. But that is the worst one, right? You know? So it was good, it was bad. Because it doesn't necessarily have to be bad. No, it's bad. Bad.

Starting point is 01:07:20 Just because the person was fat. No, and not nice. Yeah. Not nice person. And stinky. Oh, stinky. She's an actress, we'll tell you about that. All right, all right nice. Yeah, not nice. And stinky. Oh, stinky. She's an actress, we'll tell you about that. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Starting point is 01:07:29 I'm just trying to deflect. Okay, this person is watching this. No. She's probably the only fat actress that you had sex with. So she knows. Whatever, who cares? No, she doesn't do movies or anything.

Starting point is 01:07:42 She's on Broadway. What? Yeah, the whole street do movies or anything. She's on Broadway. What? The whole street. Oh my gosh. From 57 to 30. What's your worst sexcapade? Well, I have a story. I was having sex with this girl. Nice. She was on top of me. I was like on a couch, sitting on the couch.

Starting point is 01:08:07 She was on top of me and there was no light and I was feeling something really sticky on my balls, really sticky. So every time she would do the movement, I would listen to and it was not vagina farts. It was just weird because he was also pulling my balls. Like when you start to start like an old car. Like balls. My balls was like, and then I was like really worried cause I didn't know what was happening. It was sticky.

Starting point is 01:08:38 And then when someone, a car just put the light on the window and I saw there was a dog licking my balls. And Rafi, he was a shaw-shaw. You know a shaw-shaw? The ones with the blue tongue. It was a shiba inu. It was a blue tongue and I punched him in the face and it didn't work. He went back and sucked my box. It was very weird. Wow.

Starting point is 01:09:11 But kind of good. Kind of good. Why? Why did Two Girls One Cup come from Brazil? Let me tell you something. Good. I have news about Two Girls One Cup. I brought you news.

Starting point is 01:09:24 Time for headlines. Two Girls One Cup is fake. It's a fake video. That's not shit. That's chocolate foam. How'd they get it to come out of their butt then? They inject with a syringe. So it stays right in the output. you know? It was right there.

Starting point is 01:09:46 But it's still got some poop on it. No, it doesn't. They clean them out? Yeah, it was a very clean ass with poop. So that's not real? Not real. Just chocolate foam. Like an ice cream. What about, oh chocolate mousse. We should get chocolate mousse. You know why I say this?

Starting point is 01:10:02 You just ate so many desserts. Oh yeah, you're right. You know why I say? Because it's a Brazilian many desserts. Oh yeah, you're right. You know why I say this? Because it's a Brazilian movie. Uh huh. True Girls on Cup, it's a Brazilian thing. Right. So I have a...

Starting point is 01:10:11 So is poop stuff big down there? No. No! How come there's so much CCTV footage of horrible deaths down in Brazil? What is CCTV? Closed circuit television. Oh! Like security camera footage.

Starting point is 01:10:23 Oh, that was the answer on the crossword puzzle. Because there's a lot of crime there. Yeah, there's a lot of poverty. Not only poverty, it's a it's a violent country. And pretty corrupt. It's a lovely country with lovely people, but it's it's corrupt. My grandparents used to go to Portugal for some parade. It's in Europe. It's another continent, another continent. But you speak Portuguese. Same language. Isn't Portugal in Brazil? Where's Portugal?

Starting point is 01:10:57 Portugal is in Europe. Yeah. You, oh, I was so smart for all the podcasts except until now. You're so smart pointing Brazil. And now you think that Portugal is the state of Brazil. That's so embarrassing. Where's Portugal? In Spain. Kidding.

Starting point is 01:11:15 Jokes. Portugal is right next to Spain, in Europe. Portugal is the first country that you fly, when you fly from New York to Europe, the first country that you reach is Portugal. Like Europe is this, Portugal is right here in the front. Right from New York, that's the first country you see,

Starting point is 01:11:41 is Portugal. See, that's knowledge. Yeah. Why do you speak Portuguese in Brazil then? Okay. Let's talk about history. Okay. Uh, conquistadores. A long time ago, the world was divided when conquistadores were like getting their ships and going all over the world.

Starting point is 01:12:07 The world was divided between a territory that was Spanish and Portuguese. You asked me, as a smart man, I have to explain it. You guys are with me. I don't care about that. You know, the fact that they slept through school, that's why they don't know about it. So half of the world was Portuguese, half of the world was Spanish. Portuguese people, not the brightest people in the world. They lost all of their territory and now there is only Brazil speaking Portuguese. Brazil, Angola, Mozambique and some other shit hole. That's your lesson for today.

Starting point is 01:12:42 Yeah, so. Why didn't they, okay. Spanish, that's why a lot of people all around the world speak Spanish. Because they. Do you speak Spanish? They didn't conquer the whole world. I'm talking about America.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Okay, I speak Spanish, yes. Wow, look who's not so smart. Yeah, it was my mistake. My bad, my bad. I was like, even Africa and the Arctic. That was my bad, my bad. That was long enough, you'll get stupid too. That was my bad, My bad. My bad. I was like even Africa and the Arctic. That was my bad. That was my bad. That was America. Don't worry about it. That was America. Oh and then I see. So Brazil. Now you know. I always thought they spoke Brazilian. Yeah. So that's why a lot of people speak Spanish. Because Spain conquered a lot of the world.

Starting point is 01:13:22 How often do you go back to Brazil? I go back to Brazil every like two months, one month and a half, two months, I go a lot. You like it? No. No. Why do you go back? I have kids. I have a 14 year old.

Starting point is 01:13:35 Why don't you bring them here? Because- I got a room, you need a place. No, because- She's acting there. Because my ex-wife lives there. His mom is there. Have a very good relationship, she's a very good friend. He came to the States recently, right?

Starting point is 01:13:50 Yeah, he was here, he was here a week ago. Oh, that's so nice. Spending some time with me, I love my kid so much. He's a very nice guy, very nice guy. And he was spending some time with me here. But that's why he doesn't come. I want to bring him eventually, but it's difficult. My wife, I love my wife so much.

Starting point is 01:14:07 She's here with me, she lives here with me, but she is not in love with New York. She doesn't love New York. So being here is in the expense of a lot of people. I'm here, my wife is not 100% happy. My kid doesn't like the fact that I'm here. He would love me to be there, so it's- Do you think you might move back? I the fact that I'm here. He would love me to be there. So it's.

Starting point is 01:14:25 Do you think you might move back? I don't think I'm going to. Do you think you might move to like LA or something? No, LA is far. New York is closer to Brazil. We are in the same straight line. Right. Yeah, we know that. You didn't have to say that. We know that. Clearly. I lived in LA in 2018 and 19. Mo access. I lived in LA 2018 and 19. Moved to New York in 19 was better for me. So I'm happy now.

Starting point is 01:14:52 So my wife is happier now too. Is she Brazilian? She's from Brazil, but she never lived in Brazil. How'd you meet her here? I met her in LA. At a Brazilian meetup? Yes, in the barbecue place. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:06 Fogo de Chow. Yeah, Fogo de Chow. Is that Brazilian? That's a Brazilian place. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. You like it? Green light, red light.

Starting point is 01:15:14 Fogo de Chow, we'll go nuts about it. Let's go there. I would love to go there. Oh, that'd be amazing. I'll pay, I'll pay. Oh yeah. I'm just kidding. Even better.

Starting point is 01:15:23 I'll pay. Cancel this man in America. He fucked my baby. Baby fucker. Who was a Shiba Inu. See I was canceled because I fuck you put a sponge on a lot of babies you would be canceled so much harder than me. I put a sponge on babies? Yeah, you said you fucking clean your vagina. What was I gonna harvest? Cigars? Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:15:48 Can you imagine that kid? So, yeah. We go. Potato with eyes on the side of a potato. I'm at Carder, you know, like, I don't understand what they say, but I'm here. That's what matters. They're my friends, so.

Starting point is 01:16:07 Just following the journey. That's what I mean. I'm your best friend. All right, Robbie, tell everyone what they can check you out on. Plug your plugs. His jokes can be seen in Ecuador and Instagram users in Angola. When are you going to release this? In two weeks. Two weeks? Okay. I'm launching my special. Hey! 30th. What's it called? January 30th. It's called Unfamiliar Territory. Oh, what's it on? It's on YouTube. Hey, nice. And where can they find it on YouTube? First comment.

Starting point is 01:16:47 Just click on the first comment in this video and then you're going to watch my special. Wow. Oh. Because they're going to put on the first comment. They're going to pin my link in the first comment of this video. They watch my special. Who can do that? The guy, the producer.

Starting point is 01:17:02 Yeah, he's going to do it. It's okay to do this, right? Very good. I got them very confused. They don't know how technology works. In no ways. I got you. I don't even know who's coming.

Starting point is 01:17:16 Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. Punchup.live slash Ian Fiedeans for all mine. We're on the road every weekend for most of the year, it's going to be great. Come on out, page on.com slash B and E and pod may 17th. I'm recording my special in New York city. Gramercy. Gramercy. They're going to probably be out by now. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep131: The Last Straw w/ Rafi Bastos

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