Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep132: Riddle Me This W/ Mike Falzone

Episode Date: February 5, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast F*%k your khakis & get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code FIENDCLUB15 at https://www.theperfectjean.nyc/FIENDCLUB15 Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visit https://www.bluechew.com Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Mike Falzone Here : https://www.instagram.com/mikefalzone/ https://mikefalzone.com Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Valentine's day weekend. I'm in Portland, Maine at Empire Comedy Club. The next weekend, February 21st, 22nd, helium Portland. We're going to sell it out. It's going to be fun. Come on out. Ianfightdance.com for tickets. Now I'm going to Skyline Comedy in Appleton, Wisconsin. March 6th, I'm in Fayetteville, Arkansas. That's right. And then that weekend I'm at the Raleigh Improv next next weekend Vegas, Kansas City, Salt Lake City I'm going everywhere baby buy tickets Ian Fidance comm I'll see you there. Let's pack out Portland, Maine, Portland, Oregon Fayetteville Arkansas Rob everything I'm gonna keep telling you even though I do because I post a

Poster and people go when you hear here? And I was just there last month. So punchup.live slash Ian Finance ticket on my mailing list. Ianfinance.com for tickets and everything. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. May 17th, buy tickets to see her film her special at the Gramercy Theater in New York City. Enjoy the show. Telling jokes and having smokes.

Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit when you're being Ian, being Ian? Life is shit but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian.

With Jordan. Hello. Hello. You got to wear the sock because the sock shows you where to poke. You can look at the sock and then look at your foot. It's not the same. The ears are in here. Why don't you rub the anus? Where is the anus? See, you need the sock to know where the anus is. This is gonad. Well, I'm going to go. Do women have gonads? Oh man, what are gonads? Balls.

Gonads are testicles. No, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh yeah, you're right. I'm going to say right now. Who gave you these socks? I did.

You gave you these socks. I got these socks. My bladder and anus is definitely sore. Sorry about that. My heart. Trapezius is here. You need to put these on. Yes. Hi everybody. Welcome back. Can you blow? This does say that women have gonads. Yeah. It's the primary reproductive organs in both males and females. So if you have ovaries. I was wrong. Yeah. It's the primary reproductive organs in both males and females. So yes. I was wrong. Oh, you can do it. How do you know you got a good one? Yeah. The spirits.

Put the sock on it. Put the sock on it. And push. That's how you make Vikings horny. Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. I am so excited to have everyone here. Jordan, this is Nick.

And our guest is Mike Falzone. I'm happy to be here. LA Comic. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here.

I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to have everyone here. Jordan, this is Nick and our guest is Mike Falzone. I have it to be LA Comic.

Uh, very funny. Kind man. That's nice. Has a nice wife that I love your relationship with. Oh, thank you so much. Yes. Yeah. Italian because they get along.

Really? Yeah. That's all I know about you guys. You met her at peak's wedding for a little bit when you were there for a little bit. And you were like, you said something like halfway sentimental to me. And you were like, you got a wife and you like her, right? And I was like, yeah. And you're like, how do you do that? I wasn't even drinking.

Because I because you said you really your wife was like your best friend. And I was watching Laura get married and it was freaking me out because I feel very kindred with Laura Yeah, she's the shit. She's like my one of my best friends over there. So when I see people getting married Why is it oh, sorry cuz he's breathing heavily into it Okay, I'm not gonna do this. Don't I don't want anybody. I don't want anything that was touching your foot touching me. My foot is not touching you. I got you the socks for a reason.

You said we'd do it. I just did it. No, but you didn't do it the right way. I'm not. It's like, I can imagine there being somebody who jerks off to it and I'm not willing to do it. That's fair. Anyway, I was on the road and I get lonely and I look at stuff and I think if I buy it

and it'll be waiting for me when I get home, it'll make me feel better. So I did that with these AccuPoint socks and I got me a pair and Jordan a pair. Can I see what they say? Yeah. See how he doesn't care? And you put them on and it tells you where to put pressure because in ancient Chinese medicine, this will help those spots. So I know that you get sick a lot. So this could help your stomach, your duodenum, your thyroid, your eyes, your ears, your head. My duodenum is pretty fucked up. Exactly. And I know that about you.

Point to your duodenum real fast. Which is why I got you the socks. Yeah, where is your duodenum? It's right here. Duodenum your ass and duodenum your is that is that where it is? Oh, that's where it hurts. So your foot is just a bunch of buttons that connect to the rest of your. Yes. And I would go getting a foot massage and the massage therapist

went, I mean, it was a massage and she was behind me. Feet and she's like, are you in your period? And I was like, how do you know that? And then she went, feel this. And my foot was vibrating. She's like, are you in your period? And I was like, how do you know that? And then she went, feel this. And my foot was vibrating. She was like, that's connected to your fallopian tubes. Damn. See, see?

I had an Amish family that they would do this to my feet. One of them, Eli. What do you mean you had an Amish? My grandparents are friends as an Amish family and we go up there for Thanksgiving. Okay, tight. And Eli, who was, that feels cool. Any contact I make with you feels incredible.

No, they didn't feel incredible when you punched the fuck out of me. You loved it. Yeah. It was a good punch. It was a success. I have not been boxing because I overdid it and it went from a top line behavior to a bottom line. Damn.

Of punches. But anyway, he would do our feet and find out what was wrong with us. And then he'd do those water rods, those divining rods. Okay. And he came to my grandparents' house to wipe out all the evil. And it just turned out I was a child who experienced unexplained little trauma. Yeah. So I would just act out. And then that didn't work. So then they hired Jamaican women to exercise me. Yeah. And then that didn't work. And then my ex-stepdad started getting me to wrestle and then that didn't work. Then I would get in fights with kids and then that didn't work. Turns out you just had to call the cops earlier on. And then I

went to a therapist and I hated them so I put dots all over my arms and told them I was on heroin and I was in seventh grade and that didn't work. So many social workers. I blacked out for two decades and now we're here. And that worked, you would say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting blacked out. So I've started to go back to a place that helps me and maybe you got to take a couple

12 steps to get there. Sure. Yeah You got to take some steps to get somewhere. That's not the 13th step. That's a bad one My series of events was I went to a guy and he was supposed to help me with my OCD And then I put my big black combat boots on his desk and he says she is obstinate defiant disorder And I said no I don't bitch Then you wear him like you're a ninja turtle And I said, no, I don't bitch. And then I like. See? Then. You wear them like you're a Ninja Turtle. Okay.

Come on, you wanna do me? No, no. You don't have to touch me. No, don't wanna touch you. Would you do me the honors? I feel like I have to because you won't. Interesting. I feel like I own something.

Yeah. Thank you. May I put my leg on you? Yes, the leg. What do you need? What's ailing you? What's ailing me right now? I'm just going going out if you don't say it's about it's about five foot nine sandy blonde hair. So small. This just says small. Yes. Skinny and beautiful. Is that something? Skinny and beautiful. Your feet are hot and not in like sexy, warm and hot. Yeah. Really? And aren't they oddly like slender in a scary way? I can't get over this part. Oh yeah. My big toe is very tall. Yeah. No, no, no. My, my middle toe is very tall. Ethan, what does it say online about when your second toe is longer than the others?

It says that you're like very smart. I believe. Who feet? High testosterone. This is anus. Is that really? Yeah. Slower. Spit on it.

Spit on it. Now I'm out. Oh, come on. Here. I wonder if I can feel it. Ready? Are you supposed to be able to do it to yourself? Yeah. Weasel land. Weas able to do it to yourself? Yeah.

Weasel land. Weasel land? That's where I live. Well, I feel it in my home. Neck. Yeah. I don't know if it works. Anyway, I got it for us because I thought it might be a nice thing to de-stress us and you might or even just like feel good rubbing this on you.

That's what I'm doing. I'm getting that IT band. Yeah. What's that? I'll show you. Good. It's amazing. What is that thing? Like big long. It's called the IT band. Big long ligament thing. Is that what it is?

I don't know, but I used to have a problem with my sciatica and I got rid of it by riding my bike. Whoa. Well, that's good. I went to SoulCycle today. You too. Yeah. Why does my neck hurt more now?

Because you were in a position. Yeah. You're tied up. Oh, I'm gonna retard. Sorry. Just put this on my neck. Tell us about SoulCycle. So I went upstate and I had a show at Syracuse,

in Syracuse near my hometown, and my sister was there and this woman was heckling me the entire time I was on stage. Really? She wasn't, not in a bad way. She was just like, yeah. Just like excited to be there. Yes, yes, yes. And my sister was like, you need to shut the fuck up.

And the woman was like, you fucking shut up. And she was like, do you see my face? Does it look similar to somebody else's face in this room? That's such a funny way of being like, that's my sister. And then she goes, and then she, and then the woman's like, fuck you, da da da. And then Jamie walks up to her and goes, stand up for a second.

And the girl stands up and we're very tall. So she comes up to here and the girl goes, okay. And then sits woman's like, fuck you, da da da. And then Jamie walks up to her and goes, stand up for a second. And the girl stands up and we're very tall. So she comes up to here and the girl goes, okay. And then sits back down. While you were on stage? Yeah. What? And my stepbrother was there just being like, trying to help. The one you fucked?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. How's that going? He helped me on my house. Oh, no wonder you've been up there for a while. So it was like the notebook. been up there for a while. So it was like the notebook. It was it was my friend Rain, Megan, mom.

Later. Yeah, all the hits you're playing, all the hits, all the hits. You got all the guys that have been in you there. So hey, everybody, what do we have in common? We've all been in Jordan. Most people who know me have been in me. Besides ones that I find disgusting and smelly and gross. That's rude to say about Mike Felzone, I guess. Let's go down the list.

I'll get there. What would you do if you saw a guy on a dating app and you was like... It's every single guy. Really? What would you do and you got home and his... Hammock shot with the feet. And his wiener was exactly like this. I've done that once.

Nuh-uh. What was that like? We never had sex. What was that like? Proudly. See your turn wiener. He was like this? It was like this.

Ew! Oh, is this who I know? He was like this? Eww. Oh is it who I know? Is it another one of our friends that you've had sex with except for me? It was. One guy had a thin one and I walked away from it because he said he'd broken 11 bones. And it really freaked me out. Wait, what the fuck? He had broken 11 bones and he had this penis and it freaked me out. And I think I could have handled the penis if I didn't know about the bones. Are those two things related?

No, but... Did he break his penis? It kind of felt like it in my mind. Okay, sure. Like this one was next. Like it was like your bones are brittle and then your penis was... It was like I was having sex with like a witch's finger. Dude getting finger from someone's middle of the body. Constantly stopping to be a house.

It was like that and I. When I stopped it and he said, why did you stop and I said. Because I'm not ready for emotion, romantic connections at the moment. Whoa. And then he said, lady, you got another thing coming. If you think I like you, classic go to that. Oh, I'm not really, I'm because my dad. But people usually say that when someone's not inside them.

He wasn't in time. Oh, I thought you were fucking and you were like, I felt it with my hand and my hand went. Oh no ghost penis. Yeah. Wow. Damn. That's a rough shape. That's a rough shape. I'd rather have short and fat than long and skinny. I think so. I think that's right. Yeah. Yeah you don't want something that looks like a cigar Yeah, syringe let me come inside you Do you want to fuck yeah, let me find a vein Ivenus Did you say Ivenus Dude this isn't working on my neck. I don't think you're supposed to do it to yourself

The top is you suppose have a friend do it to yourself. The top is the neck. You suppose I have a friend do it for you? The top is the neck. Neck. Oh. Do I just do this? It's like you're whittling wood. What is weezened? I know. What is tonsilla? The weezel buddy. Juice the weezened? Is that what you're doing with that thing? I'm juicing the wheeze. You know that? And see you know man, Pauly Shore. You don't know Pauly Shore. Buuuuuddy! You don't know Pauly Shore. How old are you? You're like 30 something. 23.

No, there's no way. Yeah. Not to be disrespectful, but there's no way. I'm 23 years old. My eyes just look like this because of Ian. Are you 23 years old? My friendships did this to me. I put some wear and tear on her. You don't know the weasel. You don't know Paulie Shore. But you don't know the weasel. You don't know his work. I'm 33. Sure. I am. Yeah. How old are you? 33. I really am 33. 1991.

Yeah right. I'm 40 years old but I learned recently that no. I really am 33. 1991. Yeah, right. I'm 40 years old, but I learned recently that no one can guess how old I am. Like I think I have a very nebulous state of being where people are like surprised that I have parents and people are surprised when I say that I'm 40. I'm just surprised you're not a DJ. I don't know because you do look like you'd be like an EDM. If you're looking in the mirror right now. What are you talking about?

Are we similar? Are we similar? Do we have a similar butt? Just start kissing. Wait, hold on. You in 91? You know something is so weird. I have a distinct memory of opening up a pack of baseball cards when I was little looking at my dad and going, 1991 is a good year.

Crazy. The first time you were able to- I don't know what that's about. Don Russ, good year. Meanwhile, your arch nemesis was being born coming out like this. Meanwhile, you were just coming out of the primordial ooze. I'll make him think that gay is being bad. So that every time he has sex, he feels weird about it. See? I'm just a little baby.

I feel like. Mark my words. I feel like something positive and good in my life is being coming to the world right now. Yeah, being born into the earth, my other half. Come out with a little fedora. Quit living a lie, kid. I love your relationship to each other. I see you guys more from afar than in person. I think we've hung out like twice and we've seen each other like four times, but I see you guys more from afar than in person. Oh, I think we've hung out like twice Yeah, and we've seen each other like four times

But I see all your clips and I see when you're on like like you guys are the whiskey ginger podcast You guys are just on that. That was fun. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, it's nice to see how you guys see each other Oh, I feel like it's very different and then there's like a small little sliver of event diagram that meets in the middle It's just pepula. It's nice. It's very pepula relationship. Yeah. I will say this.

If you guys do ever get together, you owe people like a year long apology. That's true. Or what you have to go on. Like an apology for my mother and apology for ruining my own life. I'll know. Oh God. An apology. Cause everybody says that everybody says it.

You did it. And then you. And then you. Yeah. That would be a beautiful ending to the story. Or. It would be the ending to my story. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying.

A beautiful beginning to the next chapter of a story fairy tale. Dude, that's kind of how my dad talks. Really? My dad will like have something to say, but lead into a second thing, but there's no second thing. What do you mean? And the other day I was like, dad, sometimes there's not a second thing. I like that. He was like, I hope you have a good show tonight.

It's called a filibuster. That's a parental filibuster. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave and I love you. You like that? No. Oh. I was on my way out the door to the show. You like that? That does it.

But when I do it, you don't like it? You're like, wait a second, wait a second before you get in the Uber. Is it here? I'm like, yep. I'm inside of it. How many minutes till it gets here? Can you come outside with me for a second? I'm like, I was just outside and now I'm inside the car. Can you step out for a second? If you don't hug me, I'll kill myself.

I've never said that. I just acted like it. If you don't hug me, then maybe one of us will die and then you'll feel really bad about not having hugged me. And then I'm like, fuck. All right. I unfortunately have that as well. Like if me and my wife get into a fight, I'm like, it needs to be better by the time we go to sleep or else I'm going to sleep after me and myself and I'm going to get out. We just got into a tiff and I accepted that she didn't want me to hug her. Yeah. And that's progress. Yeah. You have to listen to the girls when they say that they don't want to touch me. I don't want to. I want to touch you. After you get in so much trouble. I know.

Yeah. It's because it's your bomb. You'll do something offensive and instead of letting me have an hour to be mad at you, you just go, if I hug you, then it's all over. And then you hug me in five minutes later, you do the same thing that you just did again. Yeah. God, you're like my mother. It's sweet, but it's so.

That was everything she's ever said to me. When will you learn? When will it you keep doing the same thing? I Wasn't thinking you never think Why don't you start I tried it it got confusing in my head. I agree with her That you don't throw things at her face though How recent was this fight was this like now there's just like I bet you don't throw things at her face though. How recent was this fight? Was this like,

Nah, there's just like childhood. Oh, her and I. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I'm the recovery episode. It's my problem with Ian is his reinvention of the truth. Sure. Like if you had thrown that at my face and gone,

dude, I got manic, excited. I did, I said that, I said that. No, you went, I tossed it up and I thought it was going to rainbow fall like, like making it rain for a leprechaun in front of thine eyes. When your hand went up and you whipped at my face. I, you know, I know that it whipped cause I went, Oh, and closed my eyes. Both are true. I was manic currently retarded and wanted it to whip. Well, I almost did it. What did it do like the croissant over your eye and you go, ah, and I go, ha ha ha.

And I got, I told this to Ethan because I feel genuinely awful about hurting you. I get really excited and like I had to get a cat taken away from me when I was younger because I squeezed. Oh, you were going to Lenny it. You're going to Lenny the cat. Yeah. That's not, that is behavior for a child, not an adult. And it's not excusable.

Some self control. A lot of good points being made. I'm literally like, you can't. I'm not excusing. I'm explaining and I'm following like, you can't, I'm not excusing, I'm explaining and I'm following it up, Which makes it okay. By saying I am sorry.

And as an amend to you, I would like to hug you for an extended period of time. No, that doesn't work. This is where we get into trouble. Because then a hug is like, that'll make you feel better, but that's not how she feels better I need to learn that with my wife. She punched me a bunch. That's good

How will I know when you feel better though? Because I'm not better until the other person feels better Will you say it next week? You're bullshitting me. Well next time I see you it'll be done Where you going tonight? And can I come? Is there enough room for me? Don't make me hit you. The camera can't see that when you just looked at me and asked that it was so sincere. Like there was a joke after you said it, but before then you're like, well, what if we leave the room and then come back in again?

What if we get a calendar and I cross out a week are we good if you let me forget it by saying Sorry, and then letting it be that is how I will but if you if you keep bringing up I'll keep getting mad at it with There away let it be. I'm sorry Jordan, I'm sorry. This probably helped him. What if he goes under the table for a year and a half? Sorry. Jordan. Would that help anything?

Have you ever been on a podcast with a guy who takes his shoes off and is playing with his feet? No, never ever, I think you know that. I mean, I mean like somebody who like, like I feel like I've been on like John Marco's podcast and he was fully barefoot while just holding his big toe. And I was like, what are we doing here? That's happened like several times. Oh, Sagalow has done it too.

Sagalow has been barefooted and like picking up things with his toes. And I've been like, I have to leave if you don't get it together. I'm together. Let me slither back up. Things are together. I don't know. I saw a movie in theaters. Me too. What'd you see?

No, it's for two. I did. No, I saw a different one. I've forgotten it now. Would you like to go see a movie? Anora. Really good. Dude, do you know how dumb I am?

I'm just paying attention. So dumb that I bought two Chinese socks. That are both women. That I immediately am like, why is my head burning? I don't know why am I still smoking cigarettes? I'm hitting a part of my body that makes Jordan So why should I forgive me yet? I'm rubbing the apology. Um What you said why am I this is how dumb I am or something like that

The brutalist. Okay. What do you think that movie's about? torture I love you. That's what I thought. Yeah. What is it about? It's about an architect. Whoa. Brutalist architecture. I don't want to see it. I really want to see it. I thought it was about three and a half hours on architecture. That's what I'm saying.

That's brutal. I know. Is it really on that? Is it really? That's really what it is. It's about a fucking guy. and it's not even real to fake Jewish story about this guy escaping the Holocaust and then going and be cut getting into architecture and beat like starting brutalist architecture some Bullshit, I thought it was about a guy that got out You're almost asleep. I'm sleeping. What? What? You went,

Mom's sleeping. But I thought it was about a guy that gets revenge on Nazis. Me too. And he was like brutal about it. Yeah. Dude, thank you. I'm so glad I'm not retarded alone. Why is everybody telling you to go see it? I don't want to see no more sob stories about it. Hey, Andrew Brody, you make it cry love.

Good timing though with the Elon salute. What do you think of that? Man, I really got chat GPT to diagnose the Middle Eastern conflict to me. And you're better for it? I switch sides. You switch sides. Dude, that is so funny. That's like my buddy is just become so spiritual and everything because he has made aliens his higher power. So I'm like, of course you found God and they're like,

E.T. Take me to your leader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are the leader. Take me to your leader. No, stop. You're good like You are the leader That's so funny dude, I was like you need to do a better job at arguing the other side that I was I was like Please try harder. Yeah, and the numbers ain't adding up good. Oh interesting Well, I'm glad it took you over a year to come around to what we've known for a while Well, I'm glad it took you over a year to come around to what we've known for a while Isn't that great that you could just be like chat gbt. Give me three sentences about this and make me understand Yeah, you can say do it at a sixth grade level. Yeah, do it a sexy voice She helped me with my dog finding out if my dog when they're you back with Bishop Are you serious you're seeing him again, I've been doing puzzles and talking to Bishop.

Jordan. It's like the best. It's like the best thing ever. You set Bishop up and you go, please explain to me the entire history of the Ottoman Empire. Slowly, Bishop. And he goes, okay.

And then he tells you, and I fit the edge pieces together first. Nice. Wow, what will I do when I do my needle stitch pointing? My needle point stitching stitching punch needling? Do you know about this? Cars are quit smoking made easy Oh how much nicotine patch do you have in you right now?

But you got six milligrams each. Can you explain to me the thing, the um... Leonard Zinnard? No. Yes, yes. As you did, you were correct. Has anyone else ever said that before? It's these like bro guys online. Give me a Leonard Zinnard.

That's awesome. They have like so many names for it, but that's my favorite. Do you know, do you know why? Gordon Jensen. Ian Zindance. Do you know what? Zindaya. Can I have a little Zindaya? bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a is that you get addicted to nicotine because you start being work in the food industry at around 15 years old. You're a busser. Your feet start to hurt and they say you can't have a break unless you're a smoker. So then you go out with the older kids, you rip and

six. Then at night you're like, damn, I feel weird. I think it's I need a cigarette. You go into your dad's truck. You steal all of his Winston's. Sure, they're harsh, but you rip them down. And then next thing you know, you're in college doing roll your own American spirits. You think that's helpful, but it's actually damaging because you rapidly run out of filters because everybody bums them from you. So then you're just doing it straight out of the gate. And then eventually you get into construction construction. You can't really smoke on the job when you're running your own job sites.

So you start putting pouches in pre pre this pouch and then you go, you know what? I heard about this vape thing. It's actually better for you. Hit the vape now. Then they make bubble gum flavor vapes, not the liquid vape that you first started trying to switch over. You start hitting the bubblegum vape. This is curing your candy addiction. Not even. And your nicotine addiction. You get wildly addicted to the vape because at night you're hitting it. You have an anxious thought. You hit that vape and

then you wake up in the morning and all your body's like, I need it! And then you grab it, you rip it, and then finally you go, okay this is enough. Somebody takes a picture of you where you're pulling on it. It's pulling your face into this flute that's going into this thing. And then you go, I'm going to try the nicotine pouches because those are the best thing. They don't do anything to my face shape. And then you shame other people in your life that smoke. So you you smoke and you vape. You have an adult. No, you smoke and you quit.

You quit. You do the thing. So you have an anxious thought and then you put the thing in or you smoke a cigarette and what happens like right now? You're talking about it and Ian wants a cigarette and I want to put his in and I get that but you're not telling me what it Does to you because you're talking about it. I'm literally like does this trigger your it makes me breathe and I go It slows things down. Yeah. yeah, yeah. I get that. It's just a tiny...

It's an addiction. It's something I'm... I was not asleep last night because I had to wake up at six a.m. to get my doggy medication before she got spayed. And then I was nervous all day. Did you feed and drink her before that? You were not supposed to have them drink or eat before like eight a.m.? No, I pooped her, but they made me give her...

You pooped her? Yeah. What? I took her out to poop and I gave her a pill so that she would be calm in going into surgery. They gave it to me. I gave it to her. But she always eats around the treat and then goes and spits the pill out. I had to hold her mouth shut. So she's so talented.

She's so smart. So you don't smoke? I smoke weed. What? Here's what happened when I went upstate. OK. Mom, mom takes both pit bulls out and coyote out for a walk. I'm scary. I'm painting late. OK, I'm like, just, you know, every day I'm like, Mom, mom takes both pit bulls out and coyote out for a walk. I'm painting, I'm painting late. Okay. I'm like, just, you know, every day I'm like, mom, please what, if you need to separate the dogs,

separate the dogs, if you need to leave coyote and walk them, whatever you do, do not put coyote in danger. I will not talk to you ever again. If anything happens to her, always have her on leash, blah, blah, blah. Then she lets all three dogs off leash at night. Okay. And deep into the woods, train tracks, river.

OK, then river and coyotes in love with Vega, the bigger pit bull. OK, and they're out together in the woods. Then mom calls me. She's like, I lost Coyote. I start hyperventilating, having full panic attack again. Yep. I jump into the car. Me and Megan are driving down and then mom goes Vegas back. And I was like, where the fuck is Coyote? Because I was thinking the whole time she's with Vega. If there a coyote a real coyote Vega will protect her. It's fine

Coyote doesn't come back. I'm Freaking the fuck out mom stressed out mom told me mom told me later that a train went by what she didn't tell me that Yeah, so I'm freaking out then mom goes. Hold on. I gotta go back to the house to get a headlamp Okay, then she I'm on the phone with her ten minutes. she walks back to the house. Coyote is sitting on the front step. Because she found her way back, because she's the smartest dog in the whole world. Kind of nice, dude. That's the smartest creature.

My favorite part of that story was headlamp. Yeah. Yeah. We got headlamps in case she's in the gold mine. I got to find the dog. Dude, that and there are so many houses on my mom's property because my mom has lived. She built this big development of all the houses, okay, and it was like,

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I love it, I use it, I can't recommend it enough. That's it, I'm out on it. Hello world, I use it. Use it too, ain't no shame in the game. Except if you don't keep using it, it does feel like you have a ghost penis. And I don't know what that's about But sometimes I'm like, I don't know if I can ever use it and you do have to use it non-stop. So What's that about?

anyway Yep, I Just want to clarify I can feel my penis it just Makes me feel like am I oh god. I need this or else it's not going to work. It doesn't sound better. It works. It works. It's good. It works. I like it. Bluetooth. Keep sponsoring us. It helps. Yeah. Cats do that because cats only go a certain radius around where they're used to. So if you see a cat in a neighborhood, if they weren't dumped, odds are they're from somewhere within like a three block radius.

I just learned about the cheek thing. What cheek? They rub their cheeks on stuff and they like gland on stuff. Oh, yeah. Samson does that all the time when I wear a hat. He he puts his head under my hat, rubs his forehead on mine, and then rubs his gland on my rim. It's a gland thing, but I think it's secondary. I think it's like how we,

how God or Mother Nature gave us clitorises so that the woman would actually mate, or else we would just be like, get the fuck away from me. That doesn't even feel that good, right? What? Like I think the gland thing, they made that feel good to cats so that they

rub off their glands. Sure. Because I think it does when you pet them. Like I was just petting Glenn and he was like, as I was getting the sound. Yeah. I think it does feel sick. So you're saying that's like where their clit is? No, no, I'm saying like they need to express their glands on things in order to mark their territory. So I feel like the mother nature made it feel good.

So they want to do. Oh, so they would do that. Right. Because if it didn't feel good, they would. Oh, like we rub our dicks on stuff that we like. Yeah. Yes. Oh, God, I love this. Isn't that cool that this penis is just like a piston of a flower

where you rub it on things and then it seeds out? Yes, I do think that's cool. Isn't it cool that the penis? How dare people get into BDSM and kink stuff? I'm like, you're just a dumb flower. How dare guys punch penis? What? Like in high school when people like-

Yeah, you're punching my flower. How dare you punch my melon man flower? The penis is just an extension of the clit. The clit is a tiny penis. The clit is a- What? I drank breast milk straight out of the boob. Whose boob? Michaelis?

Yeah. No way. Tell me about that slowly. This is like when a fucking like when you scratch a DVD and it skips to another counter. I drank it before but out of a teaspoon. I drank it out of a cup. Oh, you didn't suck it out of the boobs? It was warm.

On three, say what it tasted like. Hold on, let me get the thought in my head of what it tasted like. The sensei, one, two, three, sour. It wasn't sour. It was very sweet. Sour and skim milk on three. One, two, three, tit. Spoiled. Spoiled and tit. One, two, three, elderly. You bailed. You pulled the riff cord. Yeah, where were you?

I fell into your sock labels. But her boobs were pulling out milk and it was like, it was just like a dairy farm, exactly like a dairy farm. Oh, she had a suckers on them to put it in the bottle. She's an over producer, so the baby can drink all at once, but she still has to pull the milk out. Has the husband drank her milk? Yeah. My buddy won't drink his wife's breast milk.

I'm like, what's wrong with you? You gotta try it. That's what you're supposed to do. No, I'm gonna buy some from her because people use it to body build. No, no, no, no. Where? Like protein shake? Like prework? This is illegal.

And you put it on your face, her skin looks beautiful. What do you mean it's illegal? That's got to be illegal. You can't sell stuff that you make yourself. To buy breast milk? Yeah, from your body. On the black market? She'll give it to me. The baby is half black. Really? Yeah. That is a black market? She'll give it to me. The baby is half black. Really? Yeah. That is a black market. Dude, it fucked my life up seeing that baby. Now I fully want one.

Really? Dude, it fucked me up because I was pushing. Cause it's two weeks old and I was pushing its feet into its belly to kind of help its farts. Cause I saw a video where it does that and it was pushing its feet out. And then I would make a noise like, oh! And it got really into like pretending to kick me.

And it was only two weeks old and we were playing this game and it was so fun. How the fuck you pretend to kick you? No, but it was, kick me and it was only two weeks late old and we were playing this game And it was so fun pretend to kick you no, but it was But it was so cute and it had little it had little wrinkles It just had it was it's not even that it's cute It's that I it was just like the purpose of the woman being suctioned milk and I was like She looked like she was so miserable like if you know, because there were so many things going on I was like, how do you feel and she's like i'm the happiest i've ever been

And then you know what? I mean? I was like this is just like it is the bio. It's very funny that in this moment you saw physical representation of what is the closest to something you've seen in the matrix and you're like I want that because it has like those suctions like sucking out everything. The baby is also like the new world I mean the real world like I was looking at it and I was like, this person right here, this little baby man is the dumbest man in New York City right now. Cause it was a new baby. I was like, you are so stupid.

You know nothing. Instantly gave him a complex. And it kept opening its eyes and being like, and I'd be like, you don't know what any of that is. You might as well close your eyes again. It was like, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

It's so, do you have kids? No, I do not i do not you don't want them no we're not gonna have kids are you ever curious about it um curious about yeah it was a big like long back and forth before we decided because my wife would be such a good mom and uh when i met her i wanted kids and she definitely didn't and then um like i kind of got confused towards the end because I was like, it's no or never. And then we were like, no, we're just going to hang out. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that happening. Yeah. But now I have to have one. So what made you go back on your idea of wanting kids? There's age and then there's like, can you give us a little bit of background? How long have you been with your wife? Are you comfortable

talking about this? Yeah. How long have you been with your wife? Are you comfortable talking about this? Yeah, how long have you been with your wife? We've been together for probably like 12 13 years. We've been married for eight We met in Connecticut then we moved out to LA together Wow and met her when I was a little bit older I met her when I was like 28 and she's like a year or two older than me Uh-huh, and so it was always like, you know, we have to do it pretty soon because we're getting older I met her when I was like 28 and she's like a year or two older than me. And so it was always like, you know, we have to do it pretty soon because we're getting older and then, and she was always like, no, I don't want kids. When I met her, she was like, absolutely not.

I already made that decision and I was like, but you'd be such a good mom. She's like, yeah, I know it doesn't change anything. And she like raised her sisters. She raised her sisters, helped raise her sisters' kids and stuff like that. She's just like a really nice, nurturing Albanian woman. She's just good with people and kids and stuff like that. And then, you know, we're fucking out all the time and never home. And everybody's like, you figure out a way to do it.

But we were like, let's just be like, let's just travel, grow all together. And then when we die, that's it. That's the end of our family. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I just have a friend whose kid goes over to the refrigerator and opens it and it's like a two year old and goes, I would like snacks now. And I just need that. Do you want that? Look in a mirror. You did that when you walked into my apartment. I know, but I want one that does it the same way I do it.

And it has to look like me and it has to be shorter than... Yeah, I never, I always thought that was so vain, but now I'm like, no, I totally get it. After seeing Michaela's baby, I was like, oh yeah, this makes so much. You just get to be like, this is the right way to live. I will help you. So what are you going to do? How are you going to get a kid? I have to find a sperm donor. You're going to do sperm do by yourself?

I could siphon sperm. I've gotten a few friends to agree to give me their seed without being a part of the child's life. I mean, they can be a part of it. I don't think it takes too much to convince a guy to be like, it doesn't, especially when you're talking to me and I'm like, come on, don't be weird. Just do it. Who'd you get to agree to give you their sperm?

Rob, my friend Rob. I think I can get Mikey to do it. Who'd you get to agree to give you the sperm? Rob, my friend Rob. Mm-hmm. I think I can get Mikey to do it. I'm not getting yours. Why? Because you would be like, I'm your dad. Never forget. I remind it every day.

Yeah. Would you do you think that's how you would be with a good course? No, I would tear up around it every time you saw it. You'd be like, I love it. My uncle, you know, I was crying so much shit. No, I would. Yes. So many knickknacks and things. My spirit is yours because I just got her a knickknack that says,

may the wind be your spirit. Now, the one I got her said, a friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you. Dude, knickknacks are so funny because this is just a block of wood. Yeah. No, it holds secrets. Oh, it does stop. Forgive me, dude. I will give you my sperm.

I just filled the box full of shit. Open this into your vagina. Don't open it until you need it. No, I, dude, I, I, I think I'd be a great father. I'm just, I know I'm very selfish right now and I don't want to, um, I don't want to stop living a life I'm living. You're going to be a great dad, but it's going to be against your will for sure. I'm so ready to stop living this life.

Really? Yeah, the like four days on the road and then coming back for five minutes and going. I like it. I know, that's great. I just am like. So you can stay at home with the baby. No.

And then I will be in and out and come home and be like, I'm your father, remember me? You whisper it. Goodbye. No, it's gonna be how it is with me and Coyote. Me and the little. Baby. Yeah.

And the dad lives in Williamsburg. No dad. And he has treats and candy. No, no treats and candy. The baby's not gonna have sugar for the first seven years. For the mommy. Sugar for the mommy, yes. And the baby will be on a healthy diet, For the mommy. For the mommy, yes.

And the baby will be on a healthy diet, meats, proteins. Andy was holding a picture of a number one in the baby's face and being like, what number is this? And I was like, Andy, literally two weeks old, and the baby was like, yeah. That's so funny. How many? God, this kid's stupid. That's great, too.

Well, I hope that works out for you. How many? God this kid's stupid That's great dude That's so wonderful I'll do it You'll do what? Have a kid? You'll see And then you're gonna quit? You're gonna go away? No way

No screen time Kids aren't gonna be on screen The whole family off screen. Off screen. Oh, dude. The second you enter the house, you smash a phone with a hammer. Hammer time. Every day you come over and you have to buy a new phone every day.

Well, I'm going to be rich. My dad had me smash a bunch of TVs once. Really? That's lined up a bunch of old bubble screen TVs. And and I was like, why did you do this? And then he goes, take these rocks, throw them at the TVs because he has had old TVs from his tenants in the farmhouse And then I threw it and they blow up and I was like, this is the best gift you've ever gotten me That's cool, they all blow up But that's what I want to do with a child get to give them shards of glass in their corneas and have them

bring in all that gas. Yeah We would have mattress bonfires where a tenant would leave a mattress and we light it on fire. Right. Because they were you grossed out by the time. So many fumes. Gross. Super gross.

You grew up upstate New York. Yeah. Yeah. And what was the tenant situation? Building or? He just had a farm and the people lived on the farm. Sure. They got mad

Sometimes because my dad would kick them out because they were drug addicts and then one time they killed my rabbits Wait, what the fuck out of like anger? Yeah, no, uh, yeah how? You don't have to tell me. I don't know how the rabbit was gone and dad said they killed a rabbit. Damn Is that the only thing they did? They take a bunch of silverware anything like that. They just killed the rabbits Mostly what people would do is just bounce and leave everything like I had to go back and refinish The farmhouse because people just lit the floor on fire. I don't know how that happens. They thought it was rehab Yeah, the floor was just do you know why that would be why they're playing the floor? Or something oh, yeah, probably Yeah, they were playing the floor of lava. Yeah, it wasn't real. Is that like a crack pipe thing or something?

Oh yeah, crack pipes. Probably. Like Richard Pryor. Or maybe they were like making meth. Like the wood floors were like gouged and burned. I had to bondo. Isn't that weird? I know.

I don't think that's a crack thing. Although a lot of crack heads start fires. Yeah, what are they doing? Well, I mean, you got to light the crack pipe to make it so hot. Maybe they would like, and it would set the floor. I don't know. They zonk out and it falls.

Not a fucking crackhead. Yeah. No. Let's call one. Can we call one? How do you light floors on fire? They're like, well, let me tell you. Let me tell you, your parents get divorced when you're nine.

And then, and then you can't keep a job working at a Walgreens to save your life. Yeah, lots of little fires. Damn, I'm sorry about your rabbits. That sucks. Sorry about the wabbit. You had a rabbit named Peter?

Aw. And it went like this one time. Eee! And I called my mom from my dad's house and I said, rabbits, Peter's making a weird noise. And she goes, he's horny. And I called my mom for my dad's house and I said, Rabbits, Peter's making a weird noise. And she goes, he's horny. And I was like, what is that? He wants to fuck Jordan.

And I looked it up. That was right. Damn, dude. How old were you? Seven. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And the fact that that sound works is kind of funny. Yeah. The rabbits are like, let's fucking ride. Well, that's sound works is kind of funny. Yeah Birds do in the morning their chirping is just basically being like Fucking mating dances that the birds do have you seen this?

Wait, what is this? Where'd you see these? She's like, Whoa, what the fuck? It's mesmerized and he tries to jump on. Really? Yeah. Where'd you see this? I was watching it on. I watch mating bird videos all the time. Some of them make little houses like perfect pristine bird houses. Really?

See? And then the birds like, hmm, I like this. This is brutalist design. I just found out that chickens fuck. And I didn't know that. What did you think? I don't know. I guess I didn't really think much at all.

But I learned that chickens fuck and I learned that chickens have like one hole for all their stuff. Yeah. How'd you think little fucking, I don't know, egg are made. They fuck doggy style. Isn't that beautiful? Yeah. Chickens fuck. But they have one hole for stuff. It's efficient. Yeah, I suppose so. Poop comes out the egg hole.

I didn't know that. I think poop. Poop comes out the egg hole and the egg comes out the poop hole. They also. Pea comes out the pussy hole and it's all one whole cluck. They'll sit on an egg that's unfertilized and just sit on it and wait for it to hatch forever. They die like that. Yeah, that's sad. It's called something sad. Ruding. Depression is called.

Hurry up and wait. It's called brooding. No. Can we confirm? Maybe because you call a family a brood. What is a brood? A brood is a family of what? If it's brooding, I would not be surprised. Bird brooding is the behavior of sitting on eggs to incubate them and the period of care given to chicks after they hatch.

Okay. So I think that's just the act of sitting on them. Taking care of your brood. Yeah, that's another word for family. That's beautiful. Brutal. And one of my mom's chickens wouldn't stop doing it, so she put it on top of the barn,

because they said that's what you have to do. You have to put it on top of the barn to make it stop brooding, and then it flew right back down to the ground. Wow. Put it on top of the barn. Climb a ladder with a chicken. If a barn has an A-shaped frame, right?

And you put a rooster on top of the barn, what side does the egg fall down, left or right? It depends on the win. Your answer. I feel like this is an answer that's like not left or not a riddle. He doesn't have an ending. Oh, it's a riddle Oh, oh, sorry. Let me think Whichever side of the chickens on No, no, no the rooster sitting on top of the roof. Yeah, and the roof goes like this. Which egg, which side does the egg roll down?

I don't know. I can't even come up with a funny guess. It's making me sad. Is there a right answer? Yeah. Do you want to know it? Is it a joke or riddle? It's a riddle. Roosters don't lay eggs. Yeah. Let's ride dude. Yeah. My brain is so big. They say that if you have to take naps, you're smart. I take naps too. No, that's because you're stupid. No! That was a warning shot. That was a warning shot. It did not. That was a warning. What are you going to do about it? I'll go.

Where? Over there. Good. You hate that. See ya. Feels like she will. It just feels like she's over there. That was a warning shot. Good. You hate that. See ya. Feels like she will. Just feels like she's that was it. That was a warning shot. Call me an idiot again. Was it a blank?

No, it was a it was a mimicked action of what will happen. Didn't hit the safety. I didn't. I did not pull the trigger. Showed you the gun. Yeah. Yeah, I just I just showed it. Cock it, though. I let you know you know a I'm fucking locked and loaded I'm packed. I'm packing I'm packed and I'm holding so watch yourself. I'm feeling

90 song has the word? Aphrodite. Aphrodite. Aphrodite. Why don't you ask your friend Bishop? Yeah, let's fucking go. That's it. Yeah. What is that song though? She's so high, high above me. She's so lovely. Oh, is that like Sean Colvin or something?

No, it's like a band, I think. Like, Singsonic? Hinders? No. Eve Six? No, no. I'm close, though. It's that family of stuff.

I think it is a guy with two names. Joan of Arc or Aphrodite. Dude, good for you. Is it She's So High, Tal Bachman? I knew it. You were right. I was right. What did you say?

A guy with two names. A guy with two names. Oh. Which is not a bad thing. Every guy has two names. No, but you were saying it was a band name. Not Mark David Chapman. Mark David Chapman does three names.

Joan of Arc. Thank God you got that. It's been bothering me. What about? Who is smart? You're not smart because they take naps. What did you say? I have another riddle.

Did you say I'm not smart? Don't! You're smart. You're smart. You're smart. You're smart. Come on, let me take the bolts out. You are.

You're a fart smeller. I mean a smart feller. Oh yeah. Give me another riddle. Okay, it's the hardest one ever. Go for it. Come on, let me take a nap real quick. I charge my head. Charge my head. I'm curious. Give us another riddle. Okay. It's the hardest one ever.

Go for it. Well, let me take a nap real quick. I charge my head. I'm curious which one of you will get this first. Okay. Three guys walk into a hotel. Start from the beginning. Three guys.

Bro, I can't even get mad at you because that is me with chat. You can see I'm like, start over. He's like, I'm like, did you just sigh? Did you just sigh? They do sometimes. They do weird human shit. God damn it. I hear this about it all the time.

Like, why are you doing that? We asked a chat GBT to like write a joke about something the other day. And it like, it said it in a way where it was holding back a laugh. And I'm like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's fucked up.

Yeah. How, what was it? It was something like, how is going shopping like. Why do a black guy? Something is like something go to mark norman comedy Come on a chicken or wait a man Three men walk into a hotel. They say, we need a room and there, we need three rooms. The manager goes, we don't have three rooms,

but we have one room. And they go, okay, how much is it? And he goes, it's $30, give me 10 bucks each. And they go, okay. And they all go up to the room. And then the manager comes in and the manager's like, yo, did you just charge them 30 bucks? And the clerk is like, yeah, I charged him 30 bucks because there's three of them and I didn't want to like do math. And they're like, it's $25 room. I'm

going to give you five bucks from the register. Bring it up to them, split it between them. He goes upstairs with the $5. He goes, what the fuck? I'm going to like break change up. No, I'm not. So he puts $2 in his pocket. He gives $3 one to each of them. Okay. If they each spent $9 and then got a dollar back, that means they each spent $9. Right? There's something that's fucking me up before that. He said he went up there with a $5 bill. $5. He went up there with five singles. Yep. He put two singles in his pocket. Yeah. And gave each of them a single. And then each of them spent $9 and got $1 back. Continue. Each of them spent $10 and then got $1 back.

You said each of them spent $9. Can I be out? Okay. If 9 times 3 is 27, right? So they all spent $27 in total and two went into the guy's pocket. Where's the last dollar? The manager on top of the farm is not a rooster. Roosters can't lay eggs. Are you thinking about it? Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

They each spent $10. Let's think about it. One dollar back, the three of us going to hotel. He goes, Ethan, Ethan's the guy. Make Ethan the guy. He goes, he goes, we need a hotel and you go, OK, it's $10 each. $10 each.

OK, great. We each we each give him $10. We can roll this little twink and keep our money. No, let's do that. Let's fucking roll this kid. Listen, let's go up into our weird shared room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Come up with a plan. OK. But to but how we sleep in this.

Let's let the fire on fire. Should we light the floor? I call bathtub. There's two beds you call them. There's three beds. I'm like, I got bathtub. All right. So this little guy says it's $30 for the room. I need $10 each. And I'm your boss. I come back in and I go, yo, you're the boss. Another boss comes in. If you don't pay attention, you're not going to get it. I'm paying attention.

We got another auto blow? Same one as before. Same one. It's the one we talk about all the time. Oh, there's a second box. Yeah, same. Yeah, the dollars on the box. The plastic's still on it.

I know. How did we do that? It's been like that. It's unopened? Yeah. You want it? It's the clear one. What could we do that? It's been like that. It's unopened. Yeah. You want it? It's the clear one. You do.

What could we do? Do something bad with it. Make them kids. Make them kids. And then we could charge money for it and then the room will be free. That's perfect. I'm glad we figured it out. We could do something.

Do this little. Thirty. We could do something. Dude, this is brutal. Why don't we do the world first? $10 piece. Okay. You're the boss. Bring them each. Bring them. That room was $25.

So take these $5 bills and give them back to those guys. Okay. You go upstairs and you're like, dude, what am I going to split this between three people? Fuck that. I'm going to give them each a dollar. They'll be happy. And then I'm going to keep two dollars. Which means each of us paid. Nine dollars because we paid ten at first and we got one back nine times three is twenty seven.

OK, twenty seven. So he put the two dollars in his pocket. That's twenty eight. Twenty nine. Where's the last dollar? Gave it to the guy outside that was like, I'm just trying to get gas. You go back to Baltimore. The dollar's on its way to Baltimore right now. Listeners, go off in the comments.

I know, dude, this is totally one of those times where it's like everyone's gonna be like. Yeah, let me tell you, it doesn't have to do with a riddle. It has to do with a riddle sharer. Okay, we need a cleansing. What? We need a cleansing riddle. No, no, no, I'm thinking of it, hold on.

No, you'll never get it. No, no, no. Do it in a week to figure it out. What, excuse me? Hi, Bishop, can you give us like a fifth grade level riddle please? Sure. Fine.

Here's a fun riddle for a fifth grade level. I'm tall when I'm young and I'm short when I'm old. What am I? Let me know if you want the answer. Hold on Bishop. Tall when I'm young. Tall when I'm young. Tall when I'm young, short when I'm old. Like a cigarette.

It's a match. It's a match. Oh yeah, candle. Or a cigarette. He said old, not used. Tall. Tall when I'm young, short when I'm old. Dick. Giraffe.

I think it's a candle. Mm-hmm. Ha. Oh. Damn, he picked up on you. OK, I like you. Yeah, can you give us like a eighth grade level? Bishop, what about a first grade level riddle? What's your name? Right.

Here's one for an eighth grade level. Here we go. Person who makes it sells it. The person who buys it never uses it. The person who uses it never knows they're using it. What is it? Take your time? Bishop can you write this in text? Or just repeat it. I'm more of a tactile learner bishop Bishop only listen to my voice and not his can you just repeat it, please? Bishop repeat it if your owner's a cunt not his. Can you just repeat it, please? Bishop, repeat it if your owner's a cunt.

Sure thing. Here's the riddle again. The person who makes it sells it. The person who buys it never uses it. The person who uses it never knows they're using it. What is it? Buys it, sells it. The person who buys it uses it. No, the person who buys it, sells it. The person who buys it, uses it. No, the person who makes it, sells it. The person who buys it, uses, doesn't use it. And the person who uses it, doesn't need it. Adding so many things. It's not. It's the person who makes it, sells it.

The person who buys it never uses it. The person who uses it doesn't know they're ever using it. That's me with the Mexican ladies that sell mangoes on the subway. Cause I always buy them and I forget I have them. They're in my bag. Is it mangoes? Bishop, is it mangoes from Mexican women with children selling them? He's like, yes.

I'm a smart man alive. Wait, why did you say he was right? What was right? Feeling you were about to solve it? What's your guess? Oh, he was saying you were right by redefining it because he knows. No, my friend Ian is Ian finance. You know him. We've talked before. You know, Ian, right?

Got it. Ian in finance sounds like a sharp guy. And hey, I'm listening to you. Don't worry. Want me to keep the riddles going? Or are we diving into Ian's world of finance? No, Ian Fie dance. Ian Fie dance the comedian you know about him. Ian finance. Yes, I know of him. He's a comedian with a sharp offbeat sense of humor and great storytelling chops I've heard he brings a lot of energy to his sets. Are you a fan or do you know? I'm not a yes. Yes

Yes, big fan. I'm not a fan fan. I know him personally and I'm not a fan What's the answer to that riddle? Yeah, again, isn't like a lie. Oh, is it a lie? Bishop Bishop are you fucking stupid? Is it gonna be like a lie? Oh, is it a lie? Got it. You know Ian personally. No, wait. Bishop. Bishop. Bishop. Are you fucking stupid?

A rumor? A rumor? Yeah, is it a rumor? Something that you like, you try to sell, like you try to sell a lie, try to like, you can buy a lie. Is it a car? That's clever, but no, it's not a rumor. The answer is a coffin.

It's the clue. I was close. Wow. I said car. I need to know where the dollar is. I's the clue. I was close. I said car. I need to know where the dollar is. I've been thinking about it. There is no doubt because it was everything was spoken for. Yeah, that's not a riddle.

It's a. Well, what do you mean? There is no dollar. That's like a piece of shit. Did Einstein write a riddle about three guys and a lost dollar? Was that Einstein's riddle? I think you're referring to the classic missing dollar riddle.

It's not attributed to Einstein, but it's a famous puzzle that messes with logic. Here's how it goes. Three men pay $30 for a hotel room. Later, the hotel realizes the room should only cost $25. So they send a bellboy with $5 to return to the men. The bellboy decides to keep $2 for himself and gives $1 back to each man. Now each man has paid $9, three buys $9, 20, and the bellboy kept $2, 27 go 29. Where's the missing dollar? It's not Einstein's, but it's definitely one of

those brain benders. Want me to break it down? Yeah. What did he do? He like doesn't like it. What kind of gypsy skills are you doing to fucking? Get over on us He sounded exactly like Sophia when she explains games that she's making up she's like and this over here And this over here, tap three times, no. That's not how you're gonna do it. And then you're gonna go around the bed, and then you're gonna, shh, back. She described, she told me a whole list of rules like that,

and at the end I went like this. No. And then we both laughed so hard for so long because she realized what she had said. She was like, tap three times, no, that's not even it. Prince, he lives at the top. You can only get the prince if you're at the top. And then you're gonna, shumba, shumba.

And then that's the end of that. And you Europe at the top. And then you're going to show me and then that's it. And you said so. And I went, no, that's so funny, because when I played a game with my friends, kids, I made them cry because I like it was a game where like dinosaurs either live or like at like the lava overtakes by the volcano and the volcano. Sure. Sorry. the volcano exploded. I went, extinction! And I threw the board up and I put the dinosaurs in water

and they were like, no! But kids will cry like that when you change their name. So I let them paint my nails to make up for it. And that's how you win. And to this day, they were still painted. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. The end of a spooky camp story. The tail of the painted man.

Yes, and to this day some say that they're still painted. They're so fingery, dude. They're so weird. Would you like a sock? No, no, please. The green makes it look like mold. No, please don't touch our things. Alright. Please put it down. No, just put it on the ground. They'm. No. The green makes it look like mold. No, please don't touch our things. All right.

Can we touch. Please put it down. No, just put it on the ground. They're really disgusting. Something for you. Did you get tattoos on your toes? Yes. What is it?

It says Marge from the Simpsons. Would you like a boot? Please stop. Please, Ethan, please make him stop. Hey, moss feet, stop. Is this really bothering you? Is this really bothering you? They're really, really scary.

Is this a goose? Oh my God, they look like a black trans woman's hand. Can you flip through that book with your toes? Can you flip through a specific page? I got moves. Would you like to read the latest New York Post Sunday edition? Please stop, please stop. They're really repugnant.

No, please get them away. They're so hundred feet long in the fingers. Stop really No, please I need a weapon or something Oh Isn't it interesting that you I'll not you with this. I'll fucking we'll put your disgusting corned You do have very skinny feet, yeah, they're really freaking me out Dude that's very cute. That's very cute. He wants your company so bad. He'll stop doing his bit. That's very nice. Can you tell her? Why'd you put the Asian one on and not the other? Putting that sock on inside out is so just... Ethan, no! Ethan, I have a family! I have a family, Ethan!

You don't have a family. I have a family in my mind. I will have a family one day. I have an ideal family, don't you? I will finally have a family one day. In ten years. Ethan, I have a small family don't you? I will finally have a family one day in 10 years Ethan I have a small producer that I torture That's awesome what gave us that gun I did and you said it was stupid. I hate it. Can I have it for Coyote?

Oh my God! This is just upside down hour with Jordan Johnson. It's only cool with Nataraj Nezmedz. That's my name backwards. It's only cool if I can shoot it for my dog. Dude, we gotta get these things. They're little chickens you put on your fingers and they whip people. Little rubber chickens you put on my finger like that.

Do they go, mark? Me and Sophia were whapping with each other. Really? We were playing black ops. Let's get a rubber band. So fun. Call of Duty? No, where I was at the bottom of the stairs,

she was at the top and we had little foam things and Coyote was a thief and she was stealing all of the ammo and then we had to get the ammo back from Coyote. That's fun. It was so fun. I need to have a child immediately. They're so fun. Dude, I hope this works out for you, man.

I've never played laser tag. Laser tag is so fun. I've never done it. Really? We should go. It's the best. I feel like it's kind of unfulfilling. They got places around here. Dude, I played laser tag. Now that I'm not a pussy.

Paintball's paintball's so fun. Tactile feeling. Did that hurt? No it just scared me. Oh okay sorry. Thank you for your honesty. Yeah, yeah. My face is naked. This is good. Think of my family. This is good. We should go paintballing and film it for the Patreon. OK, that'd be so fun. Balling is so scary. It's can I wear a lot of Kevlar? You can wear whatever you want. I'm scared. We'll cover you.

Yeah, it's cool. Really? Yeah, we'll cover you. Dude, I went laser tagging with the tail. I killed 30 kids and he grabbed me on a bridge and goes, come with me. I'm a field medic. He was playing? Yeah. That's awesome. That's great.

Is laser tag, can we film that? No, cause it's not set. We could film that. It'd probably be hard cause it's dark. What if we got night vision cameras? Cause that would be hilarious. Jurassic Park goggles. Immediately, Ian has his dick out.

Immediately. Dude, we have night vision cameras and I'm just glowing with come all over me. It's Jurassic Park goggles immediately in has his dick out Vision cameras and I'm gonna throw up the back of my head. Why? Why? Let's go to the party. It's like a chemical spill. You're like glowing radiating. Like Mr. Burns in The Simpsons. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm You go midnight ball and you look the same. Oh my God. That is so funny. All right. Let's wrap it up. Um, Michael, you were wonderful. Your show is always so fun.

Thank you so much for doing it. Surrounded the crowd work show. You gotta do it sometime. I wanna do it. Why haven't I done it? Um, you're never around. That's true. You do it in New York ever?

You're gonna have to. Yeah, I do it at the stand. It is. It's better now. Oh my God. York ever? You're gonna have to. Yeah, I do it at the stand. It is. It's better now. Oh my god, I need to donate that money. Damn. Did you get money and you haven't donated it? I got the check, but I had to decide which place to donate it to. So are you like, did you volunteer to do this? No. You volunteered to?

I just wanted to- Read an argument about volunteering. I said it's good, she said it's bad. That's not volunteering, that's a natural disaster. And you're volunteering your time to help. I think it was inappropriate to do a show in the middle of it. So I was like, how about this? It's already planned. I'll just send the money there. The fire is planned? You did the fire? Listen, we already have this fire on the books. There's nothing I can do about it.

What would you like people to get eyes on? You can just follow me on Instagram if you'd like it's just mike falzone um, and then I have that uh surrounded show normally the first week of every month Hollywood improv and then when I do it in new york, I do it at the stand So yes, and you also have a podcast. I also have a podcast called dynamic banter with my friend steve Yes, and didn't you have a podcast with your wife? I did we just don't do it anymore that's good that's better yeah it's gonna keep us together I think yeah it used to be a we have like opposite schedules so that was like our schedule time to talk to each other but now we

just hang out like we don't want a home let's just be Yeah, that is nice. Yeah. I'm on Punch Up Live. I'm on Punch Up Live, Jordan Johnson. May 17th, Gramercy Theater. Buy tickets. They're going fast. They're going fast. Pogmejohn. EMFIDANCE.com. You can get everything there. My dates, my special, everything.

Portland, Maine. Valentine's Day weekend, the following weekend, Portland, Oregon, the following weekend, Appleton, Wisconsin, and then I'm going all over Raleigh, Fayetteville, Arkansas, I'm playing some fucking theater, I don't know the name of it, eempidance.com, punchup.live.com, eempidance.com, my mailing list, patreon.com punchup.live slash Ian fighters from my mailing list. A patreon.com slash B and E and pod. We love you. We thank you and we'll see you next week. Bye bye. Wave. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore