Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep133: Phantom Cup W/ Jason Ellis

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, come see me on the road. Valentine's Day weekend, Portland, Maine, the following weekend, helium Portland, Oregon. Both weekends are almost sold out. So let's push it over and pack it out and have a good time. Ianfightdance.com for tickets. Then the last weekend in February, I'm in Skyline Comedy Club, Appleton, Wisconsin. And then I'm in Fayetteville, Arkansas at the in Fayetteville, Arkansas at the Something Theater, Raleigh Improv, Vegas, Funny Bone, Kansas City. I'm going all over. IanFyDance.com. It's a good time, man. And PunchUp.live Jordan Jensen for all her dates. We're coming to your town. Come hang out. Say what's up and enjoy the show. Bye guys Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian

Starting point is 00:00:56 Coffee ice no matter what Now, you know, he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a lie Being Ian Being Ian

Starting point is 00:01:21 With Jordan See you with Jordan. You shouldn't have rassled me. I'm too hot to handle. You're an idiot. Will you hand me my coffee please? You're not as young as you used to be. So you're also just not in a band. You're not a band, you're a comedian. I'm in a band.

Starting point is 00:01:38 No, he's not in a band. He and I are in a band. That's right. Do you wanna join? It's called Shut the Fuck Up. Ha! He's gonna die. Good. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Rocking. Rocking? Die rocking. Are you still doing the, your rock cheese? Don't come knocking if the other man isn't rocking. Listen, we're not gonna do this the entire time. We're doing it. We're not gonna do it.

Starting point is 00:01:57 We're both gonna pump you from either end. No, we're not gonna get pumped from either end. You're getting spit roasted. You're getting jizzed off. Listen. Yeah, we're gonna, I will tell you. I will double down on both of you. How many days is it before my period?asted. You're getting jizzed off. Listen. Yeah, we're gonna, I will tell you.

Starting point is 00:02:05 I will double down on both of you. How many days is it before my period? You got it. Two. You think I flinch from pussy blood? I fucking Rambo that shit. No, no, no. I'm gonna put pussy blood on.

Starting point is 00:02:14 It's not the blood you have to worry about. It's about the thing that makes the blood happen that it's attached to. I'm not scared of a pussy. It's evil. Sit back in your seat. It's terrible, yes. I'm not scared of you, beef.

Starting point is 00:02:24 Whatever, it'll haunt you. It's not my beef. Oh no. It's the scariest that I will say. I'm a scared of a back in your terrible. Yes, whatever it'll haunt you. It's not my beef. Oh, no. That I will say it's no, it's it's this. This is directly in line to the devil. Yeah, the devil will come out through my pussy out of my mouth. She is evil. I'll say evil. A type of evil that you could never imagine.

Starting point is 00:02:41 A little your comedy that's been conjured from a. Will that feel good? Will that feel good? Another world of pain. I'll belittle. You don't think I'm funny? Don't belittle, you can't belittle me. But see how you're already getting sad,

Starting point is 00:02:51 even just thinking about it and not even say that. I'm not sad, I'm fine. Well, I'll keep, I'll go down. We'll see. Listen. We'll see. What will we see? We'll see.

Starting point is 00:03:00 We will see us have fun. I don't like we'll see. Yeah, you should worry about it. It's scary. I like your turtleneck. Very Beatles. Thanks. Very Steve Jobs.

Starting point is 00:03:11 Thank you. Thank you. Did you just almost take a compliment? No, I'm being one of the Beatles. Oh, I thought you had to take compliments. How do you talk like one of the Beatles? Well, hello, John. Hello.

Starting point is 00:03:23 It's Ringo. Thank you. I'm a Beatle. No, it goes like this. Thank you. Thank you. That's one of them. The other one talks like this. Who's that?

Starting point is 00:03:36 I don't know. Just a Beatle. I'm a Beatle. No, we're in the Beatles. You know, there's a conspiracy theory that there's a conspiracy theory that Ringo Starr has never eaten pizza. Why do people have so much time on their hands? I thought you were gonna say Paul McCartney died in his... There's a documentary called The Winged Beetle and it's about how Paul McCartney is really dead.

Starting point is 00:03:58 Why? Cool. Why? Well, I was just thinking about how he doesn't eat pizza. Okay. I eat pizza. No, Paul. No, Ringo he doesn't eat pizza. Okay. I eat pizza. No, Paul.

Starting point is 00:04:06 No, Ringo. He does eat pizza. No. He's a fat bastard. Look it up. He's in pizza commercials and he's the only one that doesn't take a bite. Off. It's true.

Starting point is 00:04:15 Just fuck off. It's true. No, no it's not. Is this his move? He's all sweet teddy bear off camera and then he gets on and he starts being all alpha? It's projection. All the time? You think we all don't know?

Starting point is 00:04:26 We gotta call him AMC. That you're a little crybaby recovery man? I'm not a crybaby. Yeah, crybaby. Are you been on the internet documented crying? Yeah, you're a big crybaby. You're the one that puffs up and pretends you don't get sad. You're a fucking basket case in denial,

Starting point is 00:04:40 just like your lesbian activities. I don't do lesbian activities. She doesn't do lesbian activities. Don't put that lesbian activities. She doesn't do lesbian activities. Don't put that on her. She puts it on puss. God, I wish, do you know how much I wish that was true? Do you know how much I wish that I? I got a pretty good idea how much you wish it was true.

Starting point is 00:04:55 It would be so nice if I was sexually attractive to women. Be the change you wanna see in the world. Full retarded ogres. Here, let's try to get you to be into women. Ready? I'll be a woman. Okay. That'll be $6.95 for your coffee. God damn your ears. No, I'm a barista.

Starting point is 00:05:13 Okay, you're a barista? Okay, great. $6.95 for the coffee. I love your outfit, sis. Thanks. Do you want to push our vaginas together? They don't do that. That's just for show. No. Do you want? Do you want me to finger you? No, I don't want to push our vaginas together? They don't do that. That's just for show. No. Do you want? Do you want me to finger you? No, I don't want to do that.

Starting point is 00:05:29 You do? I don't want to put my fingers in you. I don't want to do that. You do. So we're doing a new rewards program at the coffee shop. Every coffee you get, you get one lick of pussy. What do you say? Dude, I don't even like when men go down on me.

Starting point is 00:05:42 Really? See, we could never work out. You know what it does? It emasculates them. I don't like seeing when men go down on me. Really? See, we could never work out. You know what it does? It emasculates them. I don't like seeing men emasculate. We would both. It emasculates them. I just don't like the idea of men being like servicing.

Starting point is 00:05:52 I will service. I don't like anybody servicing me. Like I'm a petty king. You could be a side hoe then. No, you eat side hoes, pussies. No, no, I'm a main hoe. Tell them I'm a main hoe. No, but if she doesn't want to do that that then she can just be the blowjob side hoe

Starting point is 00:06:08 No, yes side. Oh, it was need get the need love to why? No like that. Oh I see blow job. Yeah filling your like if you mean like if there was a threesome Yeah, I wouldn't want to be the main person I'd want to be the person who was like fat bitch get in here now And I don't know he's I thought you were talking about the side hoe like come over and night. My girlfriend's not here No, I don't want to be the cheater cheated Side hoe in this porn scene. Yeah. Yeah. I watched a good one last night. I'm against porn. Don't watch it

Starting point is 00:06:37 Me too. I hadn't seen porn in so long. Yeah, it's really bad soul rot I know Yeah, I don't care about porn I didn't care about jacking off anymore. You know. Yeah, I don't care about porn. I didn't care about jacking off anymore. You know what the porn I have been into? Listening to audio porn and then using memories. What are your- I bet my fucked up one's worse than your fucked up one.

Starting point is 00:06:54 No, no, no, it's really bad. No, it's actually- Whisper. It's like- No. It was full like little- it was full like come daddy's lap. We're going to pick you up at the playground. What? What was the last thing?

Starting point is 00:07:10 Like we're going to take you to the playground later and you're going to go to school tomorrow. Ew. I don't, you made me say it. Hey, I did, I listened to some stuff. What was it? A lot of like, like Mommy loves you. Oh, we're both fucked up. Like Mommy's like going to take care of

Starting point is 00:07:31 you. Oh, my God. Like, it's OK. Stop it. Yeah. What is your whole thing? His whole thing is like, oh, I'm a rattlesnake. Catch me. Whatever Australians are into. Oh, I always forget that you're

Starting point is 00:07:44 Australian because I know you now that now the- I know, I forget you're Australian, I just think you're retarded. You got no way. I say so many times. That's cool. Good job. You guys are cool.

Starting point is 00:07:53 Jordan. And Ian, yeah, Ian. Wait, say Jordan in normal way. Jordan. Jordan. Now say it in your- Jordan. Wow. You're cool. Thanks, Jordan. Now say it in your Jordan. Wow. Cool.

Starting point is 00:08:07 Thanks, man. She gets a beer later. Oh, my God. You're doing so well. My God. I love it. Total. Total. Wait, keep doing it. No. I'll go back to another episode of B&E with Jordan.

Starting point is 00:08:21 Did you get a horsey while you were dating that woman who has a horsey? No, I got her name covered. So soon? You got her name tattooed on you? Can I see if it's covered well? Great. And this one. God, you're such. My ex-wife.

Starting point is 00:08:34 She moved in after no time and you got her name tattooed on your fricking. She's cool. I know, you should date her for five years getting back and forth together. I didn't have him. I didn't have him move in. I didn't get his name tattooed on me.

Starting point is 00:08:46 Shut up. You have no argument at all. You are the dumbest person here, Ethan. I'm not the dumbest person. At least I was like, am I fact? Oh, I am the smartest. No. Ian is the dumbest.

Starting point is 00:08:57 No. No. Say it to the hole in my t-shirt. Don't show me your hole. I didn't have that. Do you want to see my hole? Ian is the stupidest. Ethan is the smartest.

Starting point is 00:09:04 What? But I am right below Ethan, obviously. No, you are not. Yes, it hole? Ian is the stupidest, Ethan is the smartest. What? But I am right below Ethan, obviously. No, you are not. Yes, it goes, you are the dumbest. You're not. You're not. You couldn't locate Brazil on a map.

Starting point is 00:09:12 Oh yeah, I saw that. By the way, did you know that all of Brazil hates us? Dude, I saw the comments, that was so funny. But that's because I said they shit in the street. And they don't have water. So, the funniest part- They do have water. She's an idiot. No, they shit in the street and they don't have water. So the funny thing is, she's an idiot. She knows they don't want to hate you saying they don't have water.

Starting point is 00:09:29 They ate Ethan's pizza as he exited the room. They are barbarians. You're the funniest thing. Open Ethan's pizza box. There were two pieces. He ate a half eaten pizza that was Ethan's. They were very cold. So the funniest thing is it all of Brazil and South America hates us.

Starting point is 00:09:48 And it's been nothing but hate, but it's all in their little language, so I don't care. It's all like this. I can't read it. It's all in Portuguese. Because then I'll hit translate. It's like, dumb American have sex with a goat. And I'm like, what? I've never argued that I am geographically or at all data intelligence.

Starting point is 00:10:06 I failed chemistry three times. I had to manipulate my way into getting a college degree by lying when there was an assistant dean and telling them that the other dean was about to approve my graduation. I didn't need to go to school. Yeah, so let's not talk about that kind of smart. But when it comes to me being in an on and off again

Starting point is 00:10:21 relationship where we go into therapy together, we try, we attempt, we grow. How's it going now? How's it going for you? You didn't tell me. It's going really well. Yeah, no, I bet. You moving in with a girl who doesn't wear pants immediately.

Starting point is 00:10:36 Hey, going out with somebody who doesn't wear pants is a fucking genius move. You know she had no pants. Not being honest with everyone I interact with. Inducted off the mommy porn last night. And not you! Ian jerked off the mommy! You want daddy to drop you off with a plague there?

Starting point is 00:10:49 Wait a minute. That was soon ago. No it was not. You told me you were thinking about dating a dude the last time I saw you. You don't know what you're doing either. No, we want him to date dudes. Why do we want him to date dudes? Well he's been in France.

Starting point is 00:10:59 He's not gay. Okay? You're not gay. And he's getting back this week. Oh, that's gay. But we need him to date men so that he can find out. Why? Because if he dates men,

Starting point is 00:11:09 he'll find out he doesn't really like it. And then he'll realize that the only reason he's dating men is for his sex addiction to have an outlet because men are way more open to sex than women. Who's the smartest in the room? You just stepped up a lot, but you're still stupid as hell.

Starting point is 00:11:21 Why? Why are you pointing at yourself like you're about to make a point? Because that's why I'm not gay anymore because I got sober. Why? Yeah, dude, I because I don't want to I want to just on ladies all the time. When I was doing the addiction thing. But you have to talk to too many ladies if you want to just like seven times. I know people will just let you just on them all day.

Starting point is 00:11:39 So that was way more convenient. And I stopped using on everybody. And now I'm like, hell, no offense, but hell. Not into it. I know how I told you I was like, I'm gonna date a guy, and I feel good when I'm on a date with this guy, and I like him. I went to his place, and then we were fooling around,

Starting point is 00:11:56 and things were fine, and then I felt his leg hair, and I was like, I gotta get out of here. So then I thought of a- Gay dudes love leg hair. No, this leg hair's fine. Yeah, you have love leg hair. No, this leg hair's fine. Yeah, you have girl leg hair. But the other leg hair was like... That's all that is.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Yeah. Also these are, you look like you sing in spiritual cramp. Can I tell you something? Today I was at my house, my friend who's not a comic was over at my house and I was talking to him about everybody thinks I'm a lesbian. He was like, no, I don't get it, you're very feminine. And I was like, these shoes that I wear tonight,

Starting point is 00:12:26 somebody will say they're lesbian shoes. And he was like, they are. I didn't say they were lesbian. I'm just saying. I am. Everything compared. Your jacket is. In my friend group, my friend group who are all workers

Starting point is 00:12:35 and painters and carpenters and makers, I am just like them. We just don't dress girly because you can't. Because you're gay. Can I tell you? No, it doesn't make you gay just because you're utilitarian. It's a gay... Wow.

Starting point is 00:12:47 It's a gay vibe. Can I just say, isn't it... Lesbians are utilitarian because they don't have to impress men. No, look, not all. I have given up trying to impress men. No, because some lesbians dress up and are all like girly and shit. Right, but that's why you... You have gay...

Starting point is 00:13:00 Like you dress gay, you talk gay, you act gay. I have three gay moms and a very masculine dad. Yeah, so you're kinda gay. Look at my legs, crossed. What do you mean? Gay girls do that all the time. Look at how long my nails are. Gay, you know what that's good for?

Starting point is 00:13:17 Fingering. They get too much dirt in them. I gotta keep them tiled. They get dirty. Eww, long nails for fingering, you can hurt them. No, no, I was saying, I was joking because they're I gotta keep them told. I gotta, they get dirty. Eww, long nails for finger and you can hurt them. No, no, I was saying, I was joking because they're cut to the wick. Oh.

Starting point is 00:13:29 Um. I reject the hypothesis that you're a lesbian. It's just, rich people in Williamsburg, Sweden, they all dress like I do. It's just in America, women are cum goblins who have their fucking tits out like your fucking girl there and that's supposed to be straight

Starting point is 00:13:44 when really all that is is just relentlessly trying to be a cum hole for men, which I'm done with. I've never wanted to be a cum hole for men. Yeah, you have. You used to be a fucking cum hole. No, but I never wanted to be like, I want you to be- You just never liked your dream. No, me being a cum hole is me being like,

Starting point is 00:13:59 yo, what's up, bud? Should we fuck? And they're like, all right. And then me doing that a whole lot. What's up, bud? Yeah, like it's like, you could see how I'd be a come whole, like where I just be like, what are we doing later? And you'd be like, am I going to fuck my

Starting point is 00:14:09 brother right now? It's like that. That's how I have sex is people are like, I always thought of you as like an uncle and then they are willing to experiment with the idea of fucking their uncle. I've never been like, I think Jordan's so hot with her tits. And you got to have them to think they're hot.

Starting point is 00:14:30 Yeah. You don't have tits. You totally have tits. They're nice. They're big because of the period now. That's a girly thing. I have a period. I am a woman. I'm more a woman than these cum goblins. You know what being a woman is? Is being diesel. I rip when I give birth. I have three times higher I am a woman. I'm more woman than this cum goblins. You know what being woman is? Is being diesel. I rip when I give birth.

Starting point is 00:14:46 I have three times higher pain tolerance than men. I am way stronger. Three times higher. You have way more pain tolerance than you. You physiologically have a lower pain tolerance because you don't give birth. You're judging them all like we're all one thing. You might not cause you're fully retarded

Starting point is 00:14:59 that you don't have this analysis. You do look like the world looking to monolith. But go ahead. I can take way more pain than you. Monolith isn't the right word. I can take way more pain than you. Huh? Monolith isn't the right word. Yes you do. It is. No.

Starting point is 00:15:09 What you're trying to say is that it's like black and white? Yeah. Monolith means like a big thing that comes out of the ground. No, you can view things as a monolith. No. Yeah, you can use monolith as an adjective. Can I tell you the word you're looking for? Myopic.

Starting point is 00:15:23 No, no, no. No, no, no. Viewing things as a monolith. Like if you say, if you say X is not a monolith, that means it's not just one or the other. Like you view things as one or the other. Do you mean dogmatic? No. Wow. I don't know what you're saying at all. Ian's correct. You are not. So it's a monolith is a large stone or rock that is a single piece It can also refer to something that is large and powerful. I really like me. I reject this Geological feature archaeological feature powerful organization Yeah, if I said this if you said if I said your sex addiction is a monolith in your life That would make more sense Like it was a big powerful structure powerful organization that is not willing to change. And that does not seem to interested in individual people.

Starting point is 00:16:09 Yeah. He's a monolith. Yeah. You're gay. I'm not gay. You're gay. You have a heart tattooed on your face. Faggot.

Starting point is 00:16:17 It's cause I love people. Don't call me a faggot. I'm not gay. I will call you whatever I want. You're in my friend's house. You don't fucking sweat me. I am your friend. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:16:30 We could really reduce this over the years. I could get to like my acquaintance, he'd be like, I know you. You know, I can admit when I'm wrong. And? and I do believe I was using it not in the correct way. Okay, let's move on. I'm sorry. We're all stupid.

Starting point is 00:16:54 Next. I'm fine sitting in this wind for a minute. Fine. Take it. Oh, just stop. Dude, stop. I am right. Ready?

Starting point is 00:17:04 The word monolith is also used in a figurative sense when discussing all variety of something Oh, just stop. Dude, stop. I am right. Ready? The word monolith is also used in a figurative sense when discussing all variety of something as if they were one unified thing. That's what I was trying to say. You view all things as one thing or the other. I was right. Can I see? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:20 If you throw my phone across the room. I'm not going to do that. I'm very curious. What is figurative meaning of monolith? That's so I was correct. Thank you. He and his fucking snark. Wow. Holy shit. Often we are warned against oversimplifying ideas by asking is if they're one single monolith. Holy shit. Thank you. It's a lie to be a stupid lesbian.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Thank you. Thank you. I thought you were lying about the definition cause it was so spot on. We will admit that we were wrong then. Yeah. Thank you. I will admit that I just learned something very new. I love that.

Starting point is 00:17:52 That's really interesting. That was exactly used correctly. Thank you. Yes. I am fucking smart, but I play the fool because it's more fun that way. Like even if it had been slightly off, I would not have been as shocked,

Starting point is 00:18:05 but it literally was like in your words. It was like when Ian says this, it means. But it does have to be the figurative definition too. That was so weird. Did you like program it? It's like, this could be the definition. Yeah, that was so odd. That was like AI being like, let's go dog bone.

Starting point is 00:18:27 Very weird. Anyway, she just went through a breakup. Hey, can we just say something real quick? I know we're joking, having fun, but stop calling my friend a lesbian. Thanks. Yeah. Well, then I'm going to call you a gay. I'll fight you. You know what? I'll fucking go to the hospital to prove a point. You can. I will leave the'll fucking go to the hospital to prove a point. You can- You can-

Starting point is 00:18:45 I will go to the hospital. You just leave the house and go to the hospital. You call, you're like, I'm here right now. Nurse, come here, tell him I'm here. He's here. Nurse, I just want to get out of this. You're probably gonna want to look at my jaw because it's gonna get broken.

Starting point is 00:19:00 I understand that you're intimidated by my masculinity because I can build everything. I was just playing, I don't have a lot of comebacks. So gay is all I got. you're intimidated by my masculinity. I can build everything. I don't have a lot of comebacks. So gay is all I got. You're right. You're not gay. Thanks.

Starting point is 00:19:11 I can prove it. I would. That's why I asked you if you were dating anybody. No, you sit down. All right. You sit. You go into a low squat. Where?

Starting point is 00:19:23 What are you gonna do? Ram her in the bed? When you go into a low squat, where? What are you gonna do, ram her in the bay? I'm gonna prove it. Do you think there's anything accurate to our depiction? Where did you get another one of those fucking things? Just take it, it's literally a whore's earring. It looks like you fucked a whore and it got stuck. I have so many of these. It looks like you fucked a whore and it got stuck. I have so many of these I have so many of these in my pocket

Starting point is 00:19:48 What? It's not the original I have a couple logistical questions go ahead My dog got spayed wait hold on weren't you just gonna say something else Your dogs have been spayed before yeah, well you had them yeah, and She kind of sometimes when she's walking. It's been about five days, she'll go, oh, and she'll. It's not long enough. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:13 She'll duck her vagina down to the ground and look up at me and I have to carry her. Takes time. When she's okay. And then I have to fly to Buffalo. It'll be nine days after her surgery. One hour flight in the air. She's going to die. She should be fine.

Starting point is 00:20:25 I love that you think that I'm the local vet. Oh, one time he shut the door on Coyote's paw and she went like this. Who did? You. And you went, Jesus, no, no! And I was like, what happened? And I come in and Coyote's like this,

Starting point is 00:20:37 looking up at him like, he love me! And then it was totally fine. Hey, nine days after surgery, she's gonna be fine. It'll be great. You should give her like a little Benadryl maybe. Yeah, we got some. Just like a little. Gabapentin.

Starting point is 00:20:48 We got it. Gabapentin? Yeah, it's good for dogs, they get high. Really? She gets fucked up when she's high. She's like, it's okay. Oh dude, when Glenn had to get his stomach pumped and they gave him like some medicine,

Starting point is 00:20:59 he was stumbling around. It was really cute. Glenn rips. Drunk cats are cool. Yeah. Drunk cats are cool. Yeah. Glenn is cool. I'm not a cat person, but his new cat is a dog.

Starting point is 00:21:10 Thank you. You can go like this and it climbs up your legs. And he's. Yeah, that cat is not any animal I've seen. Hairless cat.

Starting point is 00:21:19 He's a god. He's like. Hairless cats are incredible. I can I actually see that more than a cat. He's a he's my best, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, I've never met him really. Samson is the king. Yeah. Glenn is just a little fucker prince. Glenn is. He's the little prince. They're the prince and the pauper. Glenn's a little runaway prince and the pauper. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:53 Do you know what that is? The, uh, pauper? Pau-p-u-r-r-r-r. That was purrrrrfect. Your turn to use your brain for funny. What are you doing in town? Podcast and radio. I went back to where I used to have a job at Sirius.

Starting point is 00:22:28 I went back to where I used to have a job at Sirius, did Jay Show and did Sam Show. And then I did the skanks last night. How was that? They smoke so much weed. It's a huge problem. I've gotten contact high and had a panic attack. It was funny because Lewis doesn't smoke weed anymore and Tim Butterly was smoking weed in between us and I was, it was going in my face and I was like, and then I looked over and Lewis was going, so we were both blowing it

Starting point is 00:22:49 in each other's faces. And I was like, wait, do you not smoke weed anymore? He's like, no. And I'm like, we're both fighting over getting the weed smoke out of our face. Wait, Lewis doesn't smoke weed? Yeah, he looks good, man. He got like,

Starting point is 00:23:01 He's so hot right now. Good for him. So hot. It's very freaky for me. But he, the weed thing was weird cause we'd be on skanks and he would get so high and I'd be like, oh, bye, bye friend. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:23:13 Like it start out being like, here we are together. Yeah, I watched him. Oh yeah. And then you'd watch him get swallowed by the abyss. You're like, okay. I feel very like, I feel when I'm dating a guy who smokes I always feel like it's the same feeling as them cheating on me When they get high like I'm like

Starting point is 00:23:29 Don't do you feel that way like if a girlfriend drinks around you I always feel like you're leaving me alone I did that I got that from being sober like when I hook up with girls Because I was trying to be accepting of people drinking because it's not you're not an addict like you should be allowed to I was trying to be accepting of people drinking because you're not an addict, like you should be allowed to. But if I ever hooked up with a girl that started drinking, I could tell that they think that they're connected with me when I'm fucking them, but they're not. I felt so much better.

Starting point is 00:23:55 I'd be like, oh. And they'd kind of be too like. I used to want to be the cool guy of like, hey, drink. I don't drink and that's fine. And then putting up the boundary being like, I don't like being around this. If you're going to drink, have fun, I don't drink and that's fine. And then putting up the boundary being like, I don't like being around this. If you're gonna drink, have fun, but don't be around me. Go enjoy it.

Starting point is 00:24:10 Yeah, but you know what the problem is? You would be fun today if you were wasted. Me? No, no, if I, is that me? What? I would be fun today if I was you. Not you. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:24:21 I'm saying if I was a girl and I was super fucked up and wasted, it would be very fun to hang out with you. Oh. Why? Because you're just activity man. Yeah, but can't we have activity fun sober? Yeah, but like haven't you been- Yes, you can, Ian.

Starting point is 00:24:33 Don't listen to her. Of course you can. I'm just saying if I was drunk, it would be fun to hang out with you. Like if I could imagine this. Do you drink? Listen, say me and you are dating. So you're saying-

Starting point is 00:24:42 You're not understanding what I'm saying. Okay, I can sit and have it for a minute. Listen, say you and me are dating. You're not understanding what I'm saying. Okay, I can sit in heaven for a minute. Listen, say you and me are dating, and I went out drinking, it would be very hard to be like, now I'm just gonna go home and go to bed. Get back in, because I change the locks. It would be hard for me to go to my house alone

Starting point is 00:24:55 and not be like, Ian, let's cook cookies and make a deal, you know, because I'd be drunk. Yeah, that'd be so fun. I know, I know. But why couldn't you do that sober? Because when I'm sober, I do puzzles quietly. I am so excited for my needle stitch to come I Can do puzzles quietly. No, I know I know I'm just saying if I was drunk I would want to hang out with you. You know what I mean? What's a needle stitch finding this a little insult?

Starting point is 00:25:17 Oh, sorry. Sorry, do you only tolerate me if your inhibitions her way turn the part of your brain off that goes? me if your inhibitions are away. No. Turn the part of your brain off that goes, bleh. Yeah. Why is that bad? Why is that bad? It's like you're like a funhouse. I only like you when I'm metal there.

Starting point is 00:25:33 I'm a funhouse sober. But haven't you dated somebody who you get drunk and you're like, they're the last person I could hang out with right now because they would scare me because they're judgmental? That's how I was. When I got drunk, I was like the last person people would want to be around. It was a fucking nightmare.

Starting point is 00:25:50 I was good until it wasn't good. You'd want to go to a diner, chain smoke cigarettes, you do everything drunk people would love to do. I do, I do. Dude, the other night we went to a casino until like 3 a.m. and actually we were all sober, that was cool. But I love, if I'm feeling good, I am all about keeping it going.

Starting point is 00:26:07 Dude, went to Austin's, had an adult sleepover. It was so great. He had a band staying upstairs. We slept in the basement, watched Groundhog Day, failed videos. I brought cheeseburgers. Oh, I felt like a kid again. Cheeseburgers.

Starting point is 00:26:20 Cheeseburgers. Yeah, maybe you should drink. Yeah. You're wearing black because you're a black clown today. Sad clown? I'm not sad. I'm not sad. Black cloud. I'm fucking happy. Sorry, I speak English. Who speaks more fucked up, me or this guy? Did you cloud? Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. You're a black cloud. Black cloud.

Starting point is 00:26:28 Yeah, that is a weird way to say that. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Yeah, cloud. Cloud. Yeah, cloud. Cloud. Yeah, cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Yeah, cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Yeah, cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Yeah, cloud. Cloud. Cloud.

Starting point is 00:26:36 Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud.

Starting point is 00:26:44 Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. a black cloud like cloud. Yeah, that is a weird way to say that cloud cloud cloud Yeah, I'm out. I'm the cloud out to the cloud It's I've been sending you videos on Instagram. You haven't been opening them I don't open anything but they've been it's it's Indian children saying They do say it funny. This guy's a teacher and he has his kids say like, you know,

Starting point is 00:27:14 different, different math terms. And it's like, it's like, have you guys seen the greasy strangler? Such a good movie. What is it? The Greasy Strangler. It's about this guy that he dips himself in grease and then he strangles people and he has a huge dick. Is he real?

Starting point is 00:27:36 Yeah, he's a real guy. He's an old man. And then it turns out he's like an old man. He's like the father of another guy who's like a real weird... Wait, is it a documentary? No, it's a movie. But it's not a real weird. Wait, is it documentary? No, it's a movie. Listen, listen, listen.

Starting point is 00:27:46 But it's not a real movie? No. All sides are equal. Area of square, square. Perimeter of square, four, yeah. Diagonal of square root two, yeah. Rectangle, the opposite sides of rectangle are equal and all four angles are 90 degrees. Area of rectangle. I don't understand what they're saying.

Starting point is 00:28:09 Fucking foreigners, man. Okay. Okay. I just sit and watch you laugh. I got a tear in my eye. Imagine if you traveled to places. Indian people can't say potato. What?

Starting point is 00:28:28 Yeah. Potato. No, they say some, something like that. So tell us more about your Grease Man. The Greasy Strangler. Is it a good movie? Okay, talk shit all you want, but if you watch The Greasy Strangler,

Starting point is 00:28:41 you'd be like, okay, I get it. Dude, wait, is it Kitchy good? I don't know what Kitchy means. Kitchy isn't like, you know how people will be like, okay, I get it. Dude, what it wait, is it Kitchy good or is it like, I don't know what Kitchy means. Kitchy isn't like, you know how people will be like, you should watch like, Oh, like campy. Yeah, campy.

Starting point is 00:28:51 It's like toxic, it's like toxic Avengery. Toxic Avengery? Do you know what toxic Avenger is that maybe? Oh, toxic Avenger is incredible. Trauma films. I was in a trauma movie this year. Is it campy? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:03 It is campy. It's campy. Like, like, it's got a cool soundtrack. Campy is campy. It's campy. Like, like. It's got a cool soundtrack. Campy's like we're in on it. Like, um. Oh. Jeepers Creepers isn't campy. Not Jeepers Creepers.

Starting point is 00:29:10 Like, um, critters or what's the one about the scary guys? The scary little guys? Yeah. Gremlins. Gremlins. Is it like gremlins? Cause critters, they come out of the toilet and they're little guys too.

Starting point is 00:29:20 Are they cute? No. Are they scary? Yeah. Uh, no, cause they're very rubbery. So it's not a good, not a big budget. Not a big budget. Yeah, so when the critters come out of the toilet,

Starting point is 00:29:32 he's like, and you're like, that is- Gremlins is good, but campy. Is Greasy Strangler campy? Is it funny? Greasy Strangler reminds me of Greased Up Deaf Guy from Family Guy. When he goes, You'll never catch me. Listen, you have to sleep a little more.

Starting point is 00:29:59 There's an Indian guy in Greasy Strangler that can't say potatoes. And it's very funny. I just keep laughing. I keep playing it and laughing. Maybe it was cause I was like- Why do they have to say potatoes so much? Cause he's a vending machine and he's like, what flavor- Name your favorite chip.

Starting point is 00:30:15 He was like, yeah. And he was like, and the guy's like, what? And he's like, and he's like, what? And the guy goes, keeps asking him what? And he keeps going. And it's like what and the guy goes Keeps asking him what and he keeps going And it's very funny, but I'm just starting to realize right now I was high and maybe it's not you don't smoke weed. This is a while ago. I did nothing good You do nothing. I get high off a life. You still do raw cheese raw honey and meat Yeah, and it's good. Yeah, take your shirt off and show. Take your shirt off and show us. Take your shirt off and show us.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Take your shirt off and show us. Put more things over you. I said leave yours on. Why don't you cover up more? Oh, I did not get sleep. Sunday into Monday. But then yesterday, I had the worst fucking travel day. And then I slept last night a lot.

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Starting point is 00:33:25 That's right. Get blown until you're come. Ian sent you. I got donuts the other day and I put some on my nipples because I couldn't eat them all. So I played with them. Wait, somebody gave me so many donuts and I was like, I can't eat it all that. I'll just buy it like the ones that looked the most tasty. I was like, I'll just have a nibble from each one because they were in my room and nobody else was going to share them with me. So I was like, oh, I'll just have whatever one I want. And I was like, I'll just have a nibble from each one. Yeah. Because they were in my room and nobody else was going to share them with me. So I was like, oh, I'll just have whatever one I want.

Starting point is 00:33:47 And I was like, that one looks tasty. I was like, not really. That one's too soft. And it was like that, the lady with the bears. And then I just ate the ones that I thought I liked until I found the right ones. And then I had two bites of the ones that I liked and then there was still like six left. So I put them on my nipples and like rubbed them on my nipples. It's like I don't have a girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:34:04 So it's like I don't have a girlfriend. So it's like I'm dating a donor. Did you take a photo? No, in here. So it's just for you. Yeah. I'll do it. When you put it on your nipples.

Starting point is 00:34:14 Because I have you shirtless. Fuck you. I was nude completely. That does that creeps me. The idea of getting like a donut fudge in my chest hairs like I don't have any hair. Really? Have you ever gotten into food stuff? Food sex? You ever seen cake farts? I came on a burger once. What? She wanted me to. I didn't like it. Did she eat it? No. I've oh I'd only done it if I could have gone here's the special sauce.

Starting point is 00:34:46 It was a special sauce. Check it out. One time I found a VHS tape of my parents house. I got a hold of super young and it was said Naked Lunch. Not that movie where it's real cool. Where they get lunch. Williams S. Burroughs. But this is not the same. It was a bunch of dudes at a picnic outside. I think it was like Swedish or something.

Starting point is 00:35:04 And a bunch of dudes, they're all naked and they jizzed on the salad. And all the ladies ate the same. It was a bunch of dudes, they had a picnic outside. I think it was like Swedish or something. And a bunch of dudes, they were all naked and they jizzed on the salad and all the ladies ate the salad. And I was like 14 and I was like, ah! You were like, for some reason I wanna go vegan. Somebody's in the mood for a salad. I, there's a thing-

Starting point is 00:35:21 Have you been peed on before? In the shower. Well, that's fun, fun. One time I had an ex. Peed on is awesome. There was naked massaging me. You like that? Fuck yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:29 But in the bed or in the shower? One time I peed, a girl peed in my, I made a cup out of my bowl sack and the girl peed in my bowl sack. Well, the other girl drank it. And you said, does anyone want to spot a pee? Shut up. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:35:43 A girl drank piss from your ball sack? Oh yeah. Oh, I've done like- Where'd they heard you say it? I've had like three girls and just like, shh, and then they peed in me. One time I did a pee, I won't say who, but a girl was on a ladder and she peed into my mouth

Starting point is 00:35:59 while I peed into another person's mouth. What does pee taste like? Well, we are professional peers, so you drink a lot of water. You don't do- What do you mean you're professional? If you're gonna pee, if you're gonna drink pee, the person has to drink a lot of water.

Starting point is 00:36:13 It's like porn pee. Were you in porn? A little bit. Did I know this? I hope not, but then again- Sometimes your list comes out and it's really cute. You go, did I know this? You did, it's my lip is too big for my face.

Starting point is 00:36:30 The Simpsons lip is a huge issue. It's called a shoe shoe because I sell it. That's what my family says is like, your shoe shoes in the way. Cause Sophia has it too. And we're like shavush. What? Wait.

Starting point is 00:36:42 Huh? You did porn? Not anymore. For how long? Couple of years. Really? When you were... I had a person that I was dating that had an OnlyFans and then she was like,

Starting point is 00:36:54 can you do stuff for me on OnlyFans? And I was like, yep. And then her friends that are in porn were like, oh, dang, can we use his penis? And I was like, if I'm okay, if she's okay with it. And then next thing you know. You know he's got a hog, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:08 Anyway, so there was a video where it was really crazy. Oh man. My fucking shoulders hurting, can you just use your- Put your penis in. I was gonna massage it. No, no. You just hit me. That's not what I was, I'm not, no.

Starting point is 00:37:24 Throw your cock over. I'm not doing that. Can you not what I was... No. Throw your cock over. Can you throw your cock over? No. I didn't know you did porn. Yeah. Just for a little bit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:32 Did you like it? Yeah. Are you comfortable talking about this? Is this okay? It's okay. I don't do it anymore. I don't do any of that stuff anymore. I'm not into that, but at one point it just like escalated and it was like, do this, do that.

Starting point is 00:37:45 And then I'm the kind of person where it's, it keeps, I'm like, what else can I do? What else can I do? And then someone was like, would you do this? And I was like, yeah, what about of all these people? And I was like, well, yeah. And then I became the monster of the, like the person who introduced me to it. I ended up making them go, Jesus Christ, really? And I'm like, well, yeah, cause I'm like, let's go. Like, let's keep going. I can only imagine when it's like for like a young vulnerable girl being like, okay,

Starting point is 00:38:13 I'll just do the same. And then it's snowballs and they become like fucking, you know. That's how a lot of them start. A lot of them have the worst stories. I know, man. It's really fucking bad when you think about it and look into it. Why, why, what happens? Because they get preyed upon, man. And it's really fucking bad when you think about it and look into it. Why?

Starting point is 00:38:26 What happens? Because they get preyed upon man and it's really fucking- When you're young and you get into it, some older guy who has a bunch of drugs and is like, you know what you should do? You know you can make a lot of money if you like, if I came and you're peeing on your and they got my bros to do the same thing and then they- And then I get on a ladder and you wear a helmet and piss in my ballsack like a cup of helmet. And then they have to do more drugs to numb the pain of doing that. And then they do more drugs. I need money to pay for the drugs.

Starting point is 00:38:48 The next thing you know, they're in it. That's how they do it. How about that French lady that found out that her husband had been drugging her, a lady that's like maybe 60 or something. Oh yeah, I saw that. They went to court. Yeah. She basically, I'm not laughing. It is so insanely fucked up though. Okay, she basically, I'm not laughing. It is so insanely fucked up though. She basically found out that her husband every night was drugging her and letting-

Starting point is 00:39:11 And letting people pay, like taking money from- Up to 86 men come over and gang rape her. And then usually what happens is they go anonymous, they do the court date and she was like, fuck that. This is my face, this is my name. She's so bad ass. She's like, I am coming out openly and being like, my husband is a psycho and did this.

Starting point is 00:39:29 All got charged. They all had to show up and get booked. Cause if you put a face to a rape, it really helps like the case and the publicity and the, cause it helps you win because it's like- Her husband did this. Her husband, she would wake up groggy. And she said that a few times she was like,

Starting point is 00:39:45 you're not like, like she said it got so weird feeling that she was like, you're not like putting something to help me sleep at my drink or anything, right? And he was like, what the fuck, are you crazy? Yeah, it was like that. One time I thought that happened to me and for once it didn't happen to me. 186 guys banged you in one night.

Starting point is 00:40:00 No, I got, no, I did it, I drank, one time I was like, I did a radio show with Tony Hawk at a tattoo shop in Vegas, and it was when I was married and she, I was in Vegas and I was free, so I was early, so I drank like a bunch of these huge Long Island things, because I didn't, Vegas when I was a straight was still like, oh, I'm in Vegas, you could get Long Islanders teas, they're so tasty, and then I'm like blacked out before the show even starts, right? And then Chuck Liddell walked past the tattoo shop and this is before everybody kind of to ask him to shoot a fair one And I was like Chuck Liddell's like Chuck Liddell come in punch me and he's like I'm gonna punch and you I was like No, no, no, let everybody they'll vouch like I could take it

Starting point is 00:40:38 So he punches me in the arm like come on you pussy and he didn't know me and he was like Did you fucking call me and then crack me like really hard and then I'm all, come on, you pussy. And he didn't know me. And he was like, did you fucking call me? And then crack me like really hard. And then I'm all pumped about it. And then this girl's there. And I'm like, I go, hey, I'll bet you 20 bucks. You can't make me spill me beer. And by kicking me in the nuts. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:40:57 And I used to have this if I had baggy pants because I was a skater back then. And if I had my theory where if I stretch my legs out, it makes the crutch stiff. So she's punching me and it's as far as I know, it's not hurting. And I'm just watching the beer and I'm like, ha ha ha, you can't do it. You can't do it. And she's punching me over and over again. And she had a pointy shoe and it was, it was going in my butthole. And I, like, I don't know how far in it was going, but it was definitely hitting the hole over and over again. So I call, I call, I call, I call Carrie Hart a back flip bitch.

Starting point is 00:41:30 And he's like, say it again, dude, and I'll tattoo it on you. I was like, do it, you back flip bitch. So now they tattoo back flip bitch on the under my arm. I've got a giant knot from Chuck Liddell punching me. I guess I go to a nightclub and Carrie Hart is a freestyle motocross guy. I'm holding a drink and it falls out of my hand and shatters. And my hand is still acting like it's got a drink in it.

Starting point is 00:41:50 And Kerry goes, dude, you're done for the night. I'm going to take you to your room. This is worse than having a shoe in your asshole. If I was like, if my buddy was like, dude, I got kicked the asshole, I'd be like, where'd my friends like this? I'm like, oh, we got Phantom Cup. We're done, dude. We're done. So he takes you to the room.

Starting point is 00:42:09 I go to bed. I wake up at like five in the morning or something. And I get up and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with my arm? And I look in the mirror and I'm like, what is what is I just see, bitch? And I'm like, bitch. And then I'm like, why is there a shoe in my ass? Oh no, it's that bitch. My butthole hurt. And I was like, cause I was always a tall, like I was saying before, when I drank, it was like fun. And then it was not. And then everybody was like, get this guy out of there. And I was like, I finally got what I deserved.

Starting point is 00:42:42 Yeah, you got raped. And I called Carrie Hart and I'm like, dude, my butt hole hurts. I got a bitch tattooed on me. I got a big weld to my arm. Please tell me I don't know. It's not what I think it is. He's like, relax, dude. You did some cheek to kick you in the ass like 20 times.

Starting point is 00:42:54 And I was like, oh, thank God. But for a second, he laughed, but it was not funny for a second. I was like, this is the day. Speaking of which, my arm still hurts from you unloading on me. You unloaded on him? Come on.

Starting point is 00:43:09 He threw something at my face. Good. Unintentionally and to make up for it, I said, hey, hit me, I deserve it. It was very intentional. It was not intentional. He whipped a quarter at my nose. Come on, get off the table.

Starting point is 00:43:18 Ow! Sorry, sorry, sorry. A what? A quarter. Now, I got too excited and I went, Whipped it. We're gonna have to- And it Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry really pack a wallop. You should be proud. Yeah, she can punch. Coach, your coach is hot.

Starting point is 00:43:51 I know. She's single. What do you think? Do you think I'd look good in these little shoes like everybody does? Like they're little cobblers walking around Brooklyn? No, don't ask that question. No.

Starting point is 00:44:02 Stop cheating. She doesn't look good in them. Can I try them? And me don't, and nobody else. No, no. Stop cheating. Because I'm a cobbler. She doesn't look good in him and me don't, anybody else. No, no. Hello? Hey, Ian. What? Oh, crap, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:44:11 They look good on me. They do. They do. I'm a cobbler. Right, but I, because. You can't wear a fitted hat that has no hole in it. You did it all for the nookie, come on. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:24 Have you heard that rectangle guy on on Instagram? No more references to Instagram. We're not referencing movies or Instagram. I am a rectangle. I feel no hole. Why do you know that?

Starting point is 00:44:38 We're not doing this anymore. Not referencing things. I'm alone. I'm alone. Have you been on any dates and anything? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh I have a I'm going to an arcade with a girl tonight. I'm alone. I'm alone. Have you been on any dates and anything? Hey, I have a, I'm going to an arcade with a girl tonight. I met at the cellar. She heckled me.

Starting point is 00:44:50 And then I went out with her. Nice payback. Wow. Pete Lee last night, hottest girl sitting with him. He pulls dude. What? House got burned down. Yeah. I'll go fuck him right now. See, there it is.

Starting point is 00:45:03 Wait, what? You're going to an arcade arcade. Arcade. Yeah. In Williamsburg. I'm gonna go. Yeah. Who is it? Tell us. She's Cajun. Share. I didn't even know. You're gonna get that. She's gonna be like, she's gonna be like, Oh, Jason, can I suck on your pain and not? That's what she sounds like. On occasion. She sounds cute. We're gonna go down by the bayou. I'm gonna blow on your balls. No. Stop ruining it.

Starting point is 00:45:31 Oh, I'm gonna treat your cock like a gator and I'm gonna strangle that gator. She's punched a gator. I'm wearing the same shirt. You are in the same outfit. Why do I wear the same thing? Oh, no. same shirt. You are in the same outfit. Come on. Sorry. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:45:57 Oh, my God. You flat out threw it in her face. How's that an accident? Because I meant to have it go in front of your face. You're retarded. Look at how obvious that is. I meant to put it in front of you to scare you. How is video evidence not enough? Because our picture's worth a thousand words. If you went to court, you'd be prosecuted. We have the thousand words and you're no words.

Starting point is 00:46:18 Yeah, you are prosecuted. Look, right at my face. I, here, I'll show you. No, don't show it. Oh my God. It's already showing. I meant. No, don't show it. Oh my God. It's already showing. I meant to make it go like this. Ready?

Starting point is 00:46:29 Like this. Ready? Look, look, look. Like in front, like, whoa, and make it go. You just threw it in her face again. And, and I, I fucked up completely. I fucked up absolutely completely. It's a huge issue.

Starting point is 00:46:40 I fucked up absolutely completely. I mean, you did punch him back. And I was wrong. I'm sorry, it got a little stuck to my hand. And I fucked up. And I fucked up. I fucked up. Yeah, it's way better for you to be like, I was wrong. I'm sorry, it got a little stuck to my hand. And I fucked up. I fucked up. Yeah, it's way better for you to be like,

Starting point is 00:46:49 I got overly excited and threw this in your face. It's way worse to be like, I was trying to. Well, I'm explaining. I got too excited to think this is a good idea. And I wanted you to go, ah! And I got too excited and I completely fucked up and was in the wrong. Didn't you learn in recovery that no apology is supposed to have an excuse?

Starting point is 00:47:08 There's no excuse. There's an explanation. Listen, Steve jobs, I'm great. I'm grateful that you made the iPhone. How crazy is it that Steve jobs got off on stage with this, this turtleneck stood in front of a giant room full of scary people had lights on in the scariest way and was like the iPhone and everybody was like, this is going to be good for everyone. Like when, when do they present things like that?

Starting point is 00:47:34 Like a evil mastermind. It's really scary. Was there a year where total next were cool? This year. No. Um, what were you saying? Yeah. When you were a child.

Starting point is 00:47:44 No, I was this year. I wore turtlenecks as a kid. You got better as you went. Turtlenecks are now good. They're not. No, they're very in style. I think I'd come from being choked. Listen, I have style.

Starting point is 00:47:59 You do not. You don't. You don't have style. Ethan. Your style sucks. No, I have style. Yeah, you do. It's weird, but it's a style. You are not.

Starting point is 00:48:09 You're wearing all black. You saying I'm not cool makes me cool as fuck. Ethan. Because you're not cool. Ethan is Gen Z. You're funny, I'll give you that, but you ain't fucking cool. I am so cool.

Starting point is 00:48:17 Deal with it. You are not cool at all. Look at this nagging. I am so cool. You are a fucking Yellowstone mixed with fucking eating pussy. Like you're. That's literally the definition of cool. You're a cat. It's fucking Yellowstone mixed with fucking eating pussy. Like you're-

Starting point is 00:48:26 That's literally the definition of cool. You're a cat, it's not. That would be kind of cool. Yeah. To be like, hey, let's see what's going on on the ranch. Tell me, who has the, do I have style? Oh yeah, for sure. Who's got the best style?

Starting point is 00:48:36 He's just saying that cause he's terrified of you. I'm not scared, Jordan. Gen Z, we have similar style. Yeah, we dress a lot alike. Yeah. Well, either. You are not cool. You have two horses tattooed on your hands. It's not cool.

Starting point is 00:48:47 Yeah. And not once. If you don't just get them. I mean, I just don't get it. That would be cool. You are right. Man. Why don't I do that? So bad. I wish I was still gay. I would do it. The second I saw it, I was like, why is he not doing this? He's a good horse. It was like you've been waiting for an excuse to say,

Starting point is 00:49:28 yeah, and also, how come you're not making them dance? No, you're not cool. You're very, you're very cool because you're a pro skateboarder, you're a man who's pretending to be a teenager as an older person, that's very cool. But like when push comes to shove, the cool thing to do is to just, you basically wanna act like an old person.

Starting point is 00:49:48 No, you wanna act old. You probably have better style than him, I will say that. Thank you. You might as well have sketches on right now. When you dress, how I tell you, when you do the things I tell you to do. Like what? Your dad's vest, good.

Starting point is 00:50:04 Yeah, the Jackie you bought dad's vest. Good. Yeah. The Jackie you bought me. Good. What else? Hole in the jeans. You have to bust in those hole vest pants. Crazy. Hole.

Starting point is 00:50:13 I'm a hole type of man. Hole. You need to retire those pants, man. You need to retire. I know. You're not cool. You're very hot. You're attractive.

Starting point is 00:50:23 You're a grown man. I was supposed to go shopping for new jeans last week with Sagalow and he bailed. It's giving zoomies. It's giving zoomies. It's because you're basic and you don't understand. I understand. And this is not my style. This is like, this is a sponsorship. It's Black Rifle and I'm cold because it's New York. I have a double scorpion belt. Whoa. Are those real scorpions?

Starting point is 00:50:40 Fuck yeah they are. Whoa. Let me take a better look. It's really, really hard to just have you be like, look how cool I am. Fool me once. Two scorpions. It's like a little kid being like, also I have a super fast little race car. I gotta get, you know, that's what it's like.

Starting point is 00:50:55 I gotta get new jeans. What are you doing tomorrow? You wanna go jean shopping? No, but you do it, just go right. On a Wednesday, you did promise me for a couples massage. I said a Chinatown couples massage. Yes. So you get fingered.

Starting point is 00:51:09 One Wednesday. Yes. One Wednesday. Today's Tuesday. I can't get fingered. I have a, it's like sculpy. She's a tilted, tilted pelvic floor. It's sculpy.

Starting point is 00:51:18 Wait, what's wrong with her? Wait, what's wrong with her pussy? It's tilted? Is that an angle? Her pelvic floor's constantly like asking a question. Wait. You have a question, my pussy? No, but he just made that up, which is very mean. She has a tilted pelvic floor.

Starting point is 00:51:41 That's what it is. Like, what lie are we covering up? I don't know. Does that mean you prefer like banana-shaped penises? Pelvic floor, that's what it is. Like, what, why are we covering up? No, I just- Does that mean you prefer like banana shaped penises? I have nothing wrong with my pelvic floor. I was just making a joke that I don't have sex, so it's Play-Dohed over.

Starting point is 00:51:53 It's like- You're not having sex? I don't have sex a lot. No, I'm very weird about sex. And also I am not, that is not, we're not talking about that. I have no man. Respect. Oh, respect. Really?

Starting point is 00:52:03 No, we're not talking about it. But you can question me about it all. Listen, respect. Really? No, we're not talking about it. But you can question me about it all. Listen, don't make me make my boy edit stuff out. Whoa. For a second I got so excited because I thought you were going to go, don't make my boy attack.

Starting point is 00:52:14 And you were talking about me like I was a boy. I tested you about the breakup. You brought it up and then I said, okay, so you went through a breakup. You shouldn't say bad things about it. She's a nice person. I didn't say bad things about it. Yeah, because we had a-

Starting point is 00:52:23 But her butt shows a lot. We broke up. We just got a great butt.. Unlike you when we break up, it was mute. It was fine. We didn't have like crazy shouting matches or anything. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. True. Good. Good for you. I like her. I love her. I think she's great. It's just not for me. That's all. Does it feel bad having to start over at square one being 78?

Starting point is 00:52:43 I don't want them to see it. I it feel bad having to start over at square one being 78? I don't want them to see it, but give me one. Yeah. It could be scary at this point, but I'm already, it's okay. I'm okay with being by myself. Yeah. Me too. I like it. I like it. I've really been enjoying my solitude. Yeah, me too. I like it. I like it. I've really been enjoying my solitude. Yeah, me too. I like it. I talked to my horse a lot. Oh, okay. Wait, you got a horse? Yeah, I'm a cowboy. I thought it was that was at her horse

Starting point is 00:53:15 place. He's just talking to his hand. Yeah, which one is it? I rescued a horse. Which one does it look like? A horse can keep a secret. What do you mean? What does it look like? Well, I've seen videos of you with the horse. Which one is it? The brown one. Oh, okay. That's my horse.

Starting point is 00:53:28 Like a thoroughbred looking one? He's not a thoroughbred, he's trash. Not spotty? He's got a white nose and that's it. The rest of him is tall brown. Do you ride him? Yeah, bareback. Wow.

Starting point is 00:53:36 Have you rode with Whitney? We go on long walks and we have like really good talks. It's fun. That's what I do with my cat, but he's on my shoulder and I just go in circles around my kitchen. I believe that when I'm driving there, that I'm talking, he knows I'm coming. So when I do with my cat, but he's on my shoulder and I just go in circles around my kitchen. I believe that when I'm driving there, that I'm talking, he knows I'm coming.

Starting point is 00:53:47 So when I get to the gate, he's already up to the gate cause he knows I'm coming. That's what my cat's do. And I had videographic evidence from my ring cam. Ian, it's like a known thing. There's an entire book written about it. Sit back. What?

Starting point is 00:53:58 There's a whole thing, a pet snow when you're coming home. Really? Yeah. It's not a specific connection we have. There's a literal book called The Dog That Knows It's Owners Coming Home. And it's not a specific book called the dog that knows its owners coming home and it's like a psychological thing. No. Like even if you switch cars, it'll know it's you. Yeah. Have you read that? That's because you need to listen to the telepathy tapes all about how

Starting point is 00:54:13 nonverbal autistic people have telepathic powers. Yes. That's true. Retards can read their mom's mind. Yeah. Their mom's mind. I'm going to call my mom and go, no, no, no. I was just thinking this. Where are you thinking it? It's like crazy, the telepathy tape, the telepathy tapes, it's like, they'll be like, The telepathy tape sounds like a documentary on Netflix about a murderer. But it's not.

Starting point is 00:54:36 I mean, it's a documentary. And it's real. You're right, it does. It's basically like these nonverbal kids are like, the mom will be thinking something and the kid will like type into their thing what they're thinking, and they what the fuck and then let's do it right now okay oh yeah what am i thinking he is old no what the fuck it was was mean. What was it? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck me? Oh, my God. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Starting point is 00:55:10 Fuck you. Fuck you. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Wow. Guess who's not retarded? Me. But they can read their mom's mind and they all meet at each other on a place called the Hill, where they all meet up mentally and hang out. Oh, my God. I want to hang out with my mom and my mind. And what? What? And one of the boys, one of the boys died and like went to them after death

Starting point is 00:55:31 and was like, I'm just I'm good. You should listen to it. It would fuck you up. I don't want to be fucked up. There's a little part of it that felt like it was getting a little over the top. Like I was like, she's getting a little sycophantic or a little like, what's the word for when you worship something? Retarded? Yeah, she was getting a little like that.

Starting point is 00:55:48 I mean, in her defense, look at her kid. And it was like, what is that called? I just thought of something else, but I will continue with your conversation. No, I almost have it. What's it called? Fanatical, fanatical, fanatical. What?

Starting point is 00:56:01 What were you gonna say? Do you like the band, Idols? Yeah. Really? I can't get into them What's their song What's the one that's blank idols one of their No idols is oh I like that band from DC. They're really great, but this is idols ID. LES. I

Starting point is 00:56:21 Don't really every song. They're like, I don't know man. They are they hardcore? No They're like, I don't know. I What are their albums from like a couple years ago? I can tolerate but every everybody thinks that I would like them because of the music we like and I'm like I just can't Get into it. I need to hear them or look at them every song sounds like this when the singer is talking I want to listen to like sing talk guys. I'll listen to like drug church or skin Or the whole daddy really what was that talk about a horse elevator with him We jump we've through the owner of the hotel in the pool.

Starting point is 00:57:06 So he called the police and then they were trying to make us all go to jail. You did this with Nick Cave? Yeah. That's so cool. What the fuck are you talking about? You did this with Nick Cave? What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:57:17 Yeah, what the fuck are we talking about? Horses. Why are we even talking about breaking horses? You did something bad with Nick. Can I have his in? I gotta get fired up. You, you, you, you, you have his in? I gotta get fired up. Um, you you you you you Jason someone's calling you right now. Who is it? Is it Nick cave?

Starting point is 00:57:44 That's how I eat pussy. Wait, what? What'd she say? You do it like you're a 30 switchboard. Hello? I'll patch you right in. I'm so too gay. I was looking at his phone, so I was like. Dude, I'm telling you, before I get my period,

Starting point is 00:57:58 I go full retard, man. You're great. Thank you so much. For later. Okay, so would you would you wait, you and Nick Cave hijacked a human being? No, no, we were jumping off a balcony

Starting point is 00:58:13 into a pool. Where? When? In a hotel. Big day out. I was talking about the same Nick Cave. Big day out in Australia. This is the weeping song. Big day out. It's like Warped Tour kind of shit, but cooler because it had like Nick

Starting point is 00:58:23 Cave and stuff like that on it And we were the skaters right not and stuff like that. It's and the bad seats anyway go ahead Anyway, it was like mud honey and all these other always in my hole And we were mud honey you contain it honey. They were a band Yeah, yeah, we were jumping off a balcony over this shit into a pool and then they tried to stay, we're like, don't. And we were like, no, we're going to keep doing it. And then the, the manager of the pool, of the hotel came out and was like, right, next person that jumps in is, uh, is evicted.

Starting point is 00:58:58 Like, you know, you're out of the hotel and, uh, the guy from Mudhoney, he was sitting in one of those, like the lounge things, like having a fucking drink with the umbrella in it. And he got up and walked behind the guy and ran and charged him and tackled the manager into the pool. So the manager pops out and goes,

Starting point is 00:59:18 right, he thinks it's skaters that did it. Fair enough. And the Mudhoney guy pops out and just goes back over and lies on the chair like nothing happened. And he's like, you guys are all out of here. And we're like, fuck off. You know what I mean? But then they go, everybody who's on the big day out is out of here. So now they've got us in a big line at the front of the hotel and the cops show up and they're taking our names. They don't kick us out, but they take all our names like as in threatening. We're all going to go to jail that night. And one of my skateboarders, this other skater,

Starting point is 00:59:48 he was like a famous skateboarder, but at the time he was a youngster and he's really drunk and he's already talking, he's talking shit. I'm like, shut up, Jake, like fucking calm down. Are you going to get us all in trouble? And Nick Cave's right next to me and they go down the line, they say the names and Jake goes, he goes, what's your name? And he goes, Jake, the sick cunt Brown, you know, because he's drunk and I'm like, Jake, he eats like something. He's like, is he with you? And I'm like, yeah, he's with me. I'll take him back to the room. I promise. And he's like, all right, get the fuck out of here. So then he, that group goes to the elevator. So now we're in the elevator with

Starting point is 01:00:21 Nick Cave and Jake's fucking with Nick Cave cause Jake's drunk and Jake's like, mate, you got fucking high heels on. Yeah. Like, you're not that tall. Face it. You know what I mean? I'm like, dude, chill on Nick Cave. Yeah. And he was, he was cool. He was, he was laughing with me. He didn't threaten to hit him with his right hand. All right. You're cool. You're cool.

Starting point is 01:00:41 Am I? Yeah. Yeah. You passed the test. You hung out with Nick Cave in an elevator after throwing a man into a thing. You're, you're all right You're cool. Am I? Yeah. Yeah, you passed the test. You hung out with Nick Haven in an elevator after throwing a man into a thing. You're all right in our book. Friends with Marilyn Manson. Up until that, what?

Starting point is 01:00:51 What do you mean friends? Call him right now. Yeah. Call him right now. That's not Nick Cave. Marilyn Manson is whatever. Call Marilyn Manson right now. No, he's cool, but Nick Cave.

Starting point is 01:01:00 FaceTime Marilyn Manson right now. Don't FaceTime. He wanted me to FaceTime him after my last profile. So I FaceTimed him and I got beat up a lot. I still won, but I had like a really deranged face and he picks it up and he's got some go with him. And he's like, holy shit, like, what happened to your face? And I was like, I won. But yeah, I took a couple of shots. I'm like, what are you up to? And he picked up a big bag of coke like a real big like bigger bag than I've ever seen

Starting point is 01:01:28 He was like, you know what I'm doing. I was like, yeah You're living up to it. What if what if he was just cooking and it was flour? Yeah, he loved to cook really That was his thing. He kept he was like you got to come over and have one of my burgers I make the best burgers. I'm doing American. Yeah, you gotta have a burger You know, you gotta have a burger, you know, you gotta have a burger. And it had Scott Tenorman's family. I went to his birthday and shit like he really liked me. Right now. Come on. I actually have to talk to talk to him. Okay. You're right. I stopped talking to him when all that stuff came out because I thought it was real. What did he do with the rape? Rape holes? There was accusations of that.

Starting point is 01:02:03 I guess he wasn't real. Apparently the he went to court rape holes? There was accusations of that. I guess he won. Wasn't it real? Apparently he went to court and she... What do you think a freaking guy's gonna have no eyeballs and rip one of his cages out and not have a rape hole? Of course he has a freaking rape hole, but I'm sure there's a reason for it. What is a... Yeah, you're saying what is a rape hole?

Starting point is 01:02:18 Yeah, what's a rape hole? Didn't they have a rape room downstairs? Wait, what? No. No. I thought Marilyn Manson had a rape room. No, you're talking about the plot of the movie Barbarian. Yeah! Is that him?

Starting point is 01:02:32 It really scares me. I'm gonna go see the new one. It's a new one? There's a new one. When? Is it out? No, really? Don't make me talk like you, I said now. Now. Listen. Let's go see it.

Starting point is 01:02:47 Listen. Are you gonna bring what? What? Fucking drip? I have a problem. A dog. Period. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:02:59 Stay in school. No, it's not worth it. Pick up a trade. Take your vitamins. Do it, get an worth it. Pick up a trade, take your vitamins. Do get an electrician's license or a plumbing license. Yeah, dude. You can make so much money or low key HVAC. Fuck college, it's a scam.

Starting point is 01:03:13 HVAC is good too. Dude, or join a fucking elevator operator's union and you'll start base pay 75 an hour. That's fucking nuts, dude. Also garbage truck, 106,000. My buddy just joined the sprinkler fitters union. He's fucking not also garbage truck. One hundred and six thousand. My buddy just joined the Sprinkler Fritters Union. He's set for life. I'm going to Sprinkler Fritters.

Starting point is 01:03:30 I said he joined the Sprinkler Fritters. My friend joined the Frinker Fritters. He does the thing. Leaves on the river. Yeah, dude. There's a union for everything. We should be unionized. What? We're not allowed to have anything. No, we'll be.

Starting point is 01:03:44 We have so many. We can HR, we can't have union, we can't have snuggles. We can't have snuggles. We can't have overtime. Imagine if we got overtime. Bro. We can't have forehead kisses. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:59 What? We should form a gang. The giggle gang? Yeah, ooh, that sounds dangerous. Yeah, sounds scary. The giggies. Yeah. That sounds dangerous. Yeah, sounds scary. The giggies. If you don't give us what we want, we'll tickle you to death.

Starting point is 01:04:10 And that is a bad way to die. Right? It's all funny for a minute, but once you start dying from it, not so funny. Not so funny. Die laughing or laugh dying? That's on our t-shirts.

Starting point is 01:04:20 We'll get tattoos. I'll do it. Let's go. I'll do it. I'm in. But I want to be the head. I'm the leader. No, I'm the leader. I'm the leader. No, I'm G. Competition to see who leads. It makes no sense if you're the leader.

Starting point is 01:04:33 It makes no sense if you're the leader. It makes no sense if you're the leader. I'm like, let me speak to your leader and you guys, me. It's me. It's me. It's me in the turtleneck. Think about shoes, I got it from fucking Costco. It's me and I need to get pennies in my penny loafers. It's me in the turtleneck! Think about shoes, I got them from fucking Costco. It's me and I need to get pennies in my penny loafers. It's me in the turtleneck.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Ow, a penny hurt my nose. It was hard! Yeah, it was. You don't get to do anything good in the game. You're the good, the anything, good, the gang. Yeah, I do. What would my role be? You're on the back of the-

Starting point is 01:05:05 I'd be the enforcer. Yeah, ooh. Because you don't see it coming from me. Obviously, you're the tickler because you'd be willing to touch people a lot. I just want a connection. You could tickle their sack. No.

Starting point is 01:05:15 Don't lie. You want to- No, I do not tickle sacks. My sack is the one that gets tickled. Oh, okay. It's the only way I can come. Really? I didn't need to know that. Is that true?

Starting point is 01:05:27 No, he's lying. Some people are like that. You're like that? Do you like being pulled? Or just pushed a little? Touched. Yeah. Lightly.

Starting point is 01:05:34 Some people are like that. I like cock and bolt torture. I used to. Jason, no. Where they put something around it and say, you're stupid and ugly and bad. You're ugly. I didn't know I was into that. Did she like put weights around it and stuff and you're stupid and ugly and bad. You're ugly. You're ugly. Ugly. I didn't know I was into it.

Starting point is 01:05:46 She like put weights around it and stuff and pulled it. And electrocuted it. Oh God. And then they, and then she tried to make them have a conversation with you. And they were like, no, no. Apparently I didn't know because I was blindfolded. They said, I want to tell you about something that happened at work. My friend, Brittany is marrying a guy and I hate him. Can I talk to you about something that happened at work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend Brittany is marrying a guy and I hate him.

Starting point is 01:06:06 Can I talk to you about it? And she went up to the balls and went, you know, I just think it's funny how, you know, you think it's okay to say these things. Okay, I have one. Can I tell you about the dream I had last night? Oh no. Do you remember six weeks ago in the morning,

Starting point is 01:06:23 I had a conversation with you and you said this thing. Yeah. Or just, or just. I said it out. Or just. What? He was literally just doing an example that triggered you. Oh yeah, no, I was just using like.

Starting point is 01:06:36 He needed you to cut it out. Or like this. Oh God. Or like this. Now we're like hitting things that have happened. No, we're saying that ball torture would be a woman talking to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:47 I'm trying to think of another one like this. Yeah, completely different one, please. Oh, ball torture. I have another one that's torture. Go, go, go. Okay, mom calls your balls. Can we talk about this upcoming Christmas? That's a good one, right?

Starting point is 01:07:09 Yeah. Yeah. I really think that you should invest your savings in the stock market. That was torture. What about an email from your ex-wife? Yeah. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:07:20 Hey, or just a text that says, hey. Just saying when the payments coming in. Yeah. Yeah. The subject line child support real bad. We're not cutting anything out. No, I don't care. None of it happened. None of it happened.

Starting point is 01:07:36 Nick caves. Man who is two people and cannot deal. Man who has two people and cannot deal. One person who is not trying to have their comedy out there and the other one who is very, very, very open with it. I'm wide open with it. My wife says this, it happened today. It never happened. It was yesterday it just happened.

Starting point is 01:08:00 You know, a funny thing happened the other day that in a minute I'm gonna ask you to make not happen Alright that's the episode. Thank you guys. We love you patreon.com Jason what do you got going the Jason Alice calm for two or dates? I'm going everywhere I'm going to Canada and Boston tomorrow, which doesn't make any sense. What's this coming out Ethan? San Diego, San Francisco, Sacramento. I'm using a map that doesn't exist. I saw him do that. Sandy, he's got podcasts with Jason. L.A. show.

Starting point is 01:08:37 Dot com slash else may I do a lot of shows in there. I got only fans. No, I will not show you my penis. It's for the comedy. LMAFTV. Nice. And your hock in the wolf. Wolf is over. Oh, it's over. There's one more episode that comes out from the comedy store. That's the finals episode. But the Jason Ellis show, we have both done it. It's very fun. You guys should check it out. Very fun. Really hilarious intro song that is quite humiliating. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates.

Starting point is 01:09:07 She's going all over. She's going to be in Riyadh and May 17th. There's a special little thing you should check out. The Den Theater in Chicago in April and May 17th. Finish out these tickets for the Gramercy. It's almost sold out. You better freaking go. You better freaking go get them. You better freaking go. You better freaking go get you better freaking go

Starting point is 01:09:26 You better freaking get better freaking quit. I'm now you better freaking get him. Ian finance comm for all my dates Portland, Maine Valentine's Day weekend the following weekend Portland helium tickets are almost sold out. So let's get that fucking packed the hell out And then Appleton, Wisconsin, Cary, North Carolina, Fayville, Arkansas at the Walton Art Center Theater and a ton of stuff. My pocket related. Okay. Wow. That's really coming my way.

Starting point is 01:09:58 So I'm going to end this quick. EFI dance.com. It's really cool to have you coming. Where are you going? What's wrong with you? Oh, that's nice. to have you coming. Where are you going? What's wrong with you? Oh, that's nice. Okay, bye bye. ["It Doesn't Matter What You Say Anymore"]

Starting point is 01:10:28 It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep133: Phantom Cup W/ Jason Ellis

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