Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep137: Batman VS Grimace W/ Felipe Esparza & Brendan Sagalow

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Raging Fool - Full Special Here: https://www.netflix.com/title/81984107 Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping with code SKA at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and improve your mental health at https://www.rula.com/IAN Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop  Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69  https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Brendan Sagalow Here : https://www.instagram.com/brendansagalow/ BRENDAN SAGALOW: THIN LIPS (FULL STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpA3u7ZctsY  https://brendansagalow.com Follow Felipe Esparza Here : https://www.instagram.com/felipeesparzacomedian/ Raging Fool - Full Special Here: https://www.netflix.com/title/81984107 https://felipeesparza.komi.io Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ 

Hey everybody Ian finance comm for all my tickets to see me on the road Las Vegas wise guys March 14th and 15th. That's town square wise guys in Las Vegas and at the end of the march I'm at the Kansas City funny bone and then the first weekend in April April 4th and 5th I'm at wise guys downtown Salt Lake City, Utah And then I will be at stand-up live Huntsville, Alabama stand-up Live, Phoenix, Arizona, Philly Punchline, Duckworth's Comedy Club in Charlotte, North Carolina, Tacoma, Spokane, Brick Town, Addison Improv, Texas. I'm going all over, eandfightdance.com. Come out, see a show, have a smoke, say what's up, punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates and we will see you on the road.

Thank you so much. Enjoy the show. Bye bye. Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt So wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. Now you do it. There's so many sounds.

I know. You can pick something up and play with it. Oh, I can't. This is fucking stuck to the goddamn table. Can't even pick that up. That's a table prop. You can pick these up and play with it. Oh, I can't. This is fucking stuck to the goddamn table. Can't even pick that up. That's a table prop. You can pick these up. Okay. Uh... Do you play the harmonica?

Yeah. I'm surprised no one's blown that through their butt yet. I mean, you'd have to have a constant. Whoa! Get out! I mean, you'd have to have a constant. Whoa. Get out of here. That's awesome. Yeah, no man. Sing us a song tonight. This is the most anyone has ever sustained playing that harmonica without going, all

right, forget it. Can we just go? I am enthralled. Yeah, I'm, forget it. Can we just go? I mean, they're all right now by this. Well, that's a man, everybody. Felipe Esparza, our guest for the day. They for having me. That's right. From the amazing Netflix special, Raging Fool, from his amazing 10 years and running podcast,

Hal. I don't know man, we just, we started off with a little recorder, putting it inside the green room and leaving it on. And we started, I started interviewing just random people from the streets at first. People that I walk up to, people that I know, neighbors, men that I grew up with. I interviewed my neighbor, Ray Escalera, he's a Vietnam vet. And he used to walk crooked, right?

It was a stump. And wait, repeat that? He walked crooked and he had a stump and wait you talk about that he walked crooked and he had a stump like a head a stump on his leg or something but then I found out that a grenade blew up in front of him oh man right in front of him yeah man I'm he the people in front of him died and he survived like he cut pieces of limbs and Jesus and he was all fucked up. But I bet he was funnier than any comic you could interview.

Yeah, man. He's he talked like. He talks like he fell off a parachute, man. So hard to understand him because he talked like, oh, man. He and he's like, I grew up with him, so I saw him. Drink that Pepsi his whole life. Pepsi and Diapepsi his whole life. Diapepsi and cigarettes bro his whole life. That's how he survived. Yeah and he was like a little league coach for everybody. He was a little league coach? Yeah so everybody knew him as Coach Ray. Was this before the stump or after? This is after bro. This is after he came out of Vietnam and he was like, if a guy was a chase and a stump, ripping cigs is yelling at me to beat it out to first base.

I'm beating it out to first base. I met his team. Come on, you could do it. I bet a lot of parents were pissed though. Like this is the best guy you could get. So we got bro. He was DEI. Yeah. DEI in the 90s. 80s, 80s. 80s. Oh yeah, you're how old? 15, five.

Shut the fuck up. No, you're not. I'm 48. I'm 48. 48, you play a harmonica like you've been playing the blues your whole life. God damn. Oh yeah, holy bro.

Nah. Yeah, yeah, take it. I forgot where I learned, but I just picked it up and started playing it one day. Did you put my harmonica in your pocket? Yeah. Cause you're stealing already? Oh my God.

If it's the size of a lighter, I'm gonna keep it. Yeah. Just stealing shit. What the fuck? Why is my remote control in your pocket? Get my cat out of your pocket! Dude, I sat on him. He's dead!

Oh, here, let me blow the horn to start the podcast. Ready? Here, you do it. I'll match. Ready? Welcome to another episode of B&E with Jordan. Jordan is on assignment, on the road, top secret, and in her place we have the one, the only, my friend and yours, fan favorite, friend favorite, Brendan Sagalow.

I hate this. What's up, everybody? Hey. You're like Bobby Hill, man. Yeah, good. That's every guy. I lost my mind. I lost my mind a couple of weeks ago You look like Bobby Hill, man. Like Bobby Hill. Good. That's every guy. I lost my mind.

I lost my mind a couple of weeks ago and just shaved my entire head and now. Did you get a lot of hair? No, I had like a head of hair and then I fucking shaved it all. I didn't have what you got, but I shaved it all. Now all my comments on my videos on TikTok and stuff for like black teens being like, Bobby Hill looking looking eh. Well with this red thing. I look like a cartoon? You look like the no ghost symbol from Ghostbusters.

Really? That's what you look like. I'm no Zempest. That's nice. Dude, your hair is glorious. Yeah, it's great. Good God Almighty. If only I could be 55 with that head of hair.

I know man, I think I was ready to be 55 with that head of hair. I know man, I think I was ready to be a homeless man with this hair. Well you got the harmonica, the hair, 10 scarves on. Do you get called out for acting for homeless guys and stuff or like? You know what, I wish that I would have more roles. I don't.

But I get called for the roles that like, whatever, Artie, Shafir, him and I would go for the roles that like whatever, you know, Artie Shaffir. Yeah. He and I will go to the same parts. Really? Yeah. Because they want a world because they want to. They would call in everyone that looks like that. And I was one of them. So there'll be like a light skinned black guy with the same type of hair. And Artie and me. Oh, no shit. Oh, OK.

They will look for curly hair types. Yeah. To what? Like no speaking roles though, right? No speaking roles and I think they just bring everybody but they have someone in mind they want. Right. But they wanna say we saw everybody.

But you know what? If somebody said, like if you were in a role and they said that person is super Jewish with your accent, I believe it too. I'm a Jewish guy. Yeah. And you people. Oh, really? My name was the main case, Sanchez. That was the character.

I didn't know that my character named to the end of the movie, bro. And I saw the credits. I'll play the men's key. And I'm a Johnny Hills cocaine dealer in the movie. That's all hilarious. I get called in for Jewish parts, but they don't say hey be more Jewish. They'll be like Can you be more New York Upper East Side? Eccentric and I'm like, uh-huh

And then I'll say something gonna be no more anxious and I'm like, uh-huh. And then finally they're like, can you just be a bagel? they're like, can you just be a bagel? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The comment before me, I remember the comedian, Gene Pampa, and he said he went to an audition and he's very, yeah, that word you said. And he, he, um.

Jew? Jewish? Eccentric or? Oh, eccentric. Eccentric, yes. So, not more eccentric, more like when you don't look Latino, but you could be white or Russian. Right. Right. Oh. So like you could be everybody.

What's the word for that? Ambiguous. Preferable. Ambiguous. Ambiguous. Yes. So one time he was reading for a row and he told me that the lady told him, could you, do you know how to say it, like to be more Mexican? Yeah. Could you add more chorizo to it? Shut the fuck up, really? Add more chorizo to it.

And they go, what does that mean? She's like, you nailed it. I'm so jealous of that. I wish I had some sort of like accent, like some sort of like Mexican kind of like. Yeah, or from the, or an accent, like an accent that would be able to. Something.

Could just place it somewhere. Yes. So when I talk, people think, cause they only heard me speak like this, and they think it's like from Mexico, but then Mexicans complain. I would think you were from some sort of like, beanstalk down by the equator or something.

Yeah, man. I thought you were from the top of a beanstalk. I was like, from magical beans I bought. A giant that was created in a children's book. I love that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it's like East LA. It's like East Los Angeles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Orale vas tu, tu sabes. Yeah, scary. You ever get your shit pushed in? Yes, man, my name is, if you're Vietnamese, black, white, Asian, you fucking speak with my in? Yes, man. My neighborhood, if you're Vietnamese, black, white, Asian, you fucking speak with my accent. Oh, wow. I don't know how they do it, but you're forced to speak like this.

I guess it's kind of like when white guys grow up in like the ghetto. Oh, man. Like, yeah, man. Like in my neighborhood, there was like two white people. One on this side, because our neighborhood was filled for a I said to a company live in our neighborhood. There was, our housing project was built for World War II veterans, and none of them accepted the housing there because it was bad, bad lands.

Only two neighbors, two guys, Lou Hazen, and another guy named Bill something, and then on the other side was Mr. Hyde. And then further back, it was another white couple. There were Jones and that's it, bro. What all these one. And it was like, I grew up with a guy who was a blood. He was my Aliso village brims.

And he straight up looked like a white boy with blue eyes. And his brother was in a gang called Pimera flats. So he was in an all Mexican gang. This guy was an all black gang bro as a blood in a predominantly Crip neighborhood bro. Holy shit. And he held it down bro. They took care of that motherfucker Snowman and this guy bro like he didn't just gangbang like he'll go door to door in classrooms looking for crips. And he was a white boy, bro. With a white boy with a fucking hat and a do-rag and a cane with a duck on it.

Going door to door. A cane in high school? Bro, yeah, he was out of high school, bro. He's not even in high school. He's not even in high school, bro. When he was going around in the class. He broke into the school, he's like 20 years old, looking for a 16 year old kid.

See, if that was me, I'd incorporate the cane into my thing, I'd When he was going around with the class. He broke into the school, he's like 20 years old, looking for a 16 year old kid. If that was me, I'd incorporate the cane into my thing, I'd be like, quack, quack. Like, quack, quack, what up, I'm on the attack. You'd have to start killing people because nobody would respect you. I know, I know. You'd be like, watch out for that quack guy, man.

I think his name was Johnny or something, yeah. Whatever happened to him. Hey, wait, were you friends with him? Or you just knew him in the neighborhood? I was walking in the hallway, going to the bathroom, and then that guy looks at him, hey man, what's up man, that you Snowman? Yeah, I'm Snowman, what up?

And then he told me I'm looking for a guy named Bear. And I said, you know what class he is? And I knew what class he was, right, but I don't want to tell him. Because then he finds out that I rat him out. But now man, he was just looking for people to beat up. That's a cool thing to have though, the cane, because if you are really scary,

people hear that cane coming. They go, boom. It was one of those hard brass duck chains. The top opened up and he had like his drugs inside and a little tube. I was just at a mall this weekend and they had a store called like Swords and Knives and they had canes that you open them

and they had knives in them. And the store should have been called Dangerous Autism. Because those were the only people interested in that store. Me and a bunch of people that were on leashes and I spent like an hour and a half inside of that store. Did you know the history of all the swords? No. Did they have autism?

No. I know a lot, usually when somebody has autism they have a lot of like information about stuff nobody really cares about. They wanna know everything about it. Yeah, like my friend, I don't know if he has autism but you could tell him what year you were born and what date and he knows exactly what day of the week

that was. That's awesome. Now, we should be able to use these people for like, like beneficially, right? Like it's weird to me that there's so much of people that have this superpower. Is that like a code cracker of some sort? Those powers are not like good powers,

like who wants to hire a guy that could remember every world series winner? Because you have my friend Larry Bubbles Brown, who won the world series in 1976. Larry Bubbles Brown, amazing old school comic. That's him, that's who I'm talking about. Shout out Larry Bubbles Brown. Murr.

Oh my. He does murr after every joke. So you tell him, who won the World Series in 1976. It was the Yankees versus Dodgers. The Yankees won and three and they took it off out of four out of eight. You know, you know, exactly what they won. Well, and then you're like, Hey, do your taxes. Like, I don't know. For real, you know, my phone, he goes, can you send me an email? Oh, I don't know how.

Let me call Dana Kirby. Whoa. Dude, so wait, when you're growing up and there's guys like that in your neighborhood, are they like so scary that they don't have friends or is everyone trying to be their friend? Or like, I'm just trying to navigate. Oh, this guy was a gang.

Some guy named Snowball, or what was his name? Snowman. He's in a gang, man. He's the only white dude in an all-black gang. So he's got friends. So usually like whatever. Yeah, but if you had to carpool with him.

Oh, fuck no, bro. Would you hang out with him? Would you be like, I know you're a gang banger, but do you wanna play Nintendo this weekend? Is that something that happens now? I remember being in a car with two gang members and driver's ed. And then those guys throw out their gang sign out of the car. And then a car starts following us all the way to school.

Jesus Christ, with the driver's ed teacher? They want to shoot us. Yeah. Oh, my God. But other elementary school, that gang I was talking about, they were getting into fights and shootouts with the Crips outside my elementary school that we wouldn't go outside. It would be like one of those rainy days we were inside the gym. So we wouldn't go outside.

It was bad. At any point were you like, I wanna do that. Yeah. Yeah. So what happened? How did you not go down that path? Well, I did go down that path, but I got out at 20, 22 years old. It was really I was.

Which is like old for that. Just oh, you're right. It is old. You know what's up? You're a veteran already. Like all my friends, they were jumped in at 12, 13, 14, and then he jumped into 1920. So I was already like an unk at 20. Yeah, I was already a dad, bro. I really like go start a family. 20 year old. So you you were a dad. You're like an unk at 20. Yeah, I was already a dad, bro. Really? Go start a family, 20-year-old.

So you were a dad, and you were like, I'm not making enough money, I gotta get jumped in. Yes, so I could sell drugs in the neighborhood without problems. Wow. What's getting jumped in like? Is that like? They count.

How many punches they hit you with? No, they count like, um. Where do they get the neighborhood's autistic kid to come in and like, start counting? Yeah, they count like, um... Where do they get the neighborhood autistic kid to come in? Like, are you starting counting? Yeah, they're like, we knew you were useful for something. He stutters, only him counts. He stutters, only him counts. Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du I can't even pronounce 13. So they just start counting and you just get beaten and you got to take it or do you fight back?

No, you fight back. You fight back. But I was because what happened was when I got jumped in, I was like, I was trying to like be in the game without even like a hang around. Yeah. But without being like actually in it. So we were we were kids and there was an older guy in the gang and he was going around, he had a list of dropouts that were not hanging out with the gang no more. So we were looking for them to the whole neighborhood

to beat them up or ask them, are you in or you out? And the other end, you get another ass beating to remind them that you're in. And if you're out, of course we just need to share you. So we were going around asking people, you in or you're out? of course we just to share you. So we were going around asking people, you in or you're out? I'm in, okay, beating. You're out, extra beating.

So I was involved in the beatings and I was not even in the gang, bro. Wait, so you were beating people up and you weren't even in the gang? I wasn't even in the gang, bro. So finally someone who got beat up figured it out. Cause Felipe never- Hilarious.

He never got jumped in. Batman never got jumped in. What an asshole. And I fucked up, figure it out. Because Felipe- Hilarious. He never got jumped in. Batman never got jumped in. What an asshole. And I fucked up, bro, because as we started looking for more people, there was a bigger crowd. So by the time somebody said, hey man, so what's up?

You wanna get jumped in now? I go, oh man, I wish I had jumped in the beginning of this. And now, everybody that jumped is here. And they want retribution, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's not what it is. So we got people with flat guys, people who are pissed. Yeah, they're all still mad at you. You guys told them where they were at, or where they can hang out at, or where they're at. He's out there with his mom right now. He's coming out, he's coming out. Oh, shit.

We caught a guy, bro, with his mom. They were going, they were going grocery shopping. And like, he's there with his mom right now. He's coming out, he's coming out. They're in the room. Oh shit. We caught a guy, bro, with his mom. They were going, they were going grocery shopping. And like he's there with his mom with a bunch of groceries and they're walking home and we're like 11 of us, bro, waiting for him gently to drop out of the grocery to come out and take a beating, bro. Oh my God.

And then we finally got out. What's up, Batman? You wanna get jumped in? And I, and I, and I had to- Your name was Batman? Yeah, and I had to- Your name was Batman? Yeah, and I had to react fast, bro. And I saw the big guy and it was Grimace.

And I said, What? I said, yes. So as soon as he said yes, I was hanging around with him. He was like my friend, you know? And he was expecting me to do this. I said, I'm ready, man.

He wasn't even looking, he was drinking something. And I just punched him in the face while he was drinking and I knocked the bottle, his beer out of his hand and I started beating the shit out of him and then somebody hit me in the head twice, it hurt but I just kept beating him, man. I just wanted to beat up the biggest guy real bad

so later on when they say, oh beat the shit of him and they look over him yeah but he beat the shit out of you yeah yeah so Batman beat up Grimace yeah bro and then Daffy came in and then the Hamburgler was like not today not today whenever you would beat up people would you say I'm Batman while you're doing it? Oh, no, man They know who did it. Why were you called Batman? Because I was a kid. Um, all my friends they had like real batman shirts, you know from the store Yeah, kmart or whatever but I had um, I had um shirts

that were like from the from the second-hand store and it was like Pajamas, bro. I wear second hand pajamas. So I'm wearing an underoos and it was like a faded Batman and it was an underwear shirt. They had Batman on it. I wear it every day, bro, to a faded. So it was tight to look like you, bro. You know, tight and I wear it every day, man.

And I would write Batman everywhere. Well, and and then they say, fuck it, Batman. Who had the coolest nickname out of the whole group? Because Batman's cool. But is there any any better than Batman? I think one of the cool names I had was a guy. A guy was named. His name was Crazy Ace.

I like that name. That's a cool. And there was a guy who had a name like in Spanish. Well, you crazy ass. You know, ready? It means ready. Like I'm ready. Yeah. In Spanish, it's called listo. L I S T O. Oh, that's cool. That's a cool name. Listo. The coolest name I ever thought in a gang was in a movie I saw where there was a bunch of rays and one of them name was Ray,

crazy Ray. And there was a black dude named Black Ray Ray. And then I like that crazy. was a black dude named Black Ray Ray. And then- I like that, crazy. And then a Jewish guy, Ray Ray Risky. You know, but the craziest one in the movie. Ray Ray Racine. His name was Jess Ray. Wow. And I fuck you.

Yeah, how'd you get Jess Ray? Is there anyone in the gang like Turbo? That'd be a cool name, Turbo. Hey. Somebody start calling that guy Cool Pyro. There's a break dancer named Turbo already, so nobody want to take that name. A famous break dancer. But essentially it was any...

Half dead with one guy who was shot a bunch of times. I called him Half Dead. That's a cool name. He was a crip. And there was a guy named... See, I'm not good at this. If they wanted to call me Half Dead, I'd be like, how about Liver? Because I live a lot.

The craziest white boy in the gang, I think his name was Shamrock. Oh, that's a cool name. Irish fella. Yeah, but he was a white guy. He was like, I was not from his gang, but I read about him on Wikipedia because I just started Google gangs in my neighborhood and this guy was one of the craziest. You can look up the gangs that are in your neighborhood. And this guy was one of the crazy ones. You can look up the gangs that are in your neighborhood. They're like a gangopedia? Yeah.

Wow. I know. I always want to start an app that tells you what, like if you click, I'm on this street. And then it'll click the gangs in that neighborhood. That's a great idea. Like the history of the gangs or the gangs? The gangs with the history and where the gangs are.

And what street, what corner of the road. Google Earth. Google Earth. Earth. Because the way black guys will say Earth sometimes they'll go Earth. I don't know. All right. Well, kind of like you betcha, right? Yeah. Why would we like you betcha, right? Yeah.

Hawaii wood gooey. You betcha. Or, or, what do the guys say? Hamburger. Hamburger! He rules. That, by the way, that's Norm MacDonald's favorite comic. Really?

Yeah. That's awesome. I opened for him years ago at the Lamb House where I started at in Philly, yeah. They wore the hat? Yeah, of course. The ham, the ham, Alonzo, and the hamburger jellies. That's why you say that. I started at in Philly. Yeah. They wear the hat. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Alonzo, I get it now. Earth. Yeah. Because I work with a funny guy from Minnesota and he has a joke like that.

Chuck Bartel. What's the joke? Oh, man. Or like, are you going to burn it here? Oh, man. He's a he's a dark comic, man. He opens up for Tom Papa. But I got him now. He's so dark. This guy has no email, no Facebook, no nothing, bro. He's like missing in action. That's cool.

Flip phone? He has a joke where he says that his closer is, the police pulled me over and I looked to the cop and I said, told you I have some minorities to harass right now. And then I made a reach to his gun and pulled back and we both had a big laugh. He has darker jokes than that, bro.

Shout out to Jug Bartell. This shit is dark, bro. He said, bro. Shut up to Chuck Bartell. Shut up, dude. Shut up, dude. Bro, this shit is dark, bro. He said he got kicked out of a Chinese restaurant because he forgot his glasses. He was squinting at the menu. So the Murph Joe guy, he has one, but fuck, I can't remember it, bro.

Oh man, I forgot where it goes, man. But he has a very dark sense of humor bro. Like he says that Chuck Bartell, I hope you don't get mad, but you have no email. You have no Facebook and your album you put out. You said, well, this guy did a, isn't how crazy he is. He did a comedy album in auto tune.

What? That's awesome. Dude, we gotta get him on the pocket. You should, bro. If you can find him, he goes, and he dressed up for the special. He dressed up like a Martian, bro. Like he looked like the Menagerie, bro.

Big ass face. That's awesome. And he wore a long gown, a long chain. 100, I'm going to name it. Is he killing in this though? Can the crowd move past that it's an auto-tune? Well the album is an auto-tune bro, it's only audio. So yeah.

So it wasn't like a live? No, it was a live show, but he did it when he recorded. When he edited it, he did it in auto-tune. So he didn't even a live? No, it was a live show, but he did it when he when he recorded. Oh He did it in auto tune so he didn't even have to do that Oh, man, we should remember the mirth joe. He does. Oh my god. So call him up. Oh, I can't I'm gonna call 10 comedy clubs to get his phone number now. That's fucking awesome So when you were like running around with these guys you can light up if you want you guys can smoke water Water oh yeah

Bridge right there No, you're gonna go get you a water now good there. I just hold on He's got one. Yeah, I'll be water. We're these guys that you're running with where they are like in a Blood Crip thing or is it like? No, that blood gang was Aliso Village Brims, and they were like maybe 1977 to 1983, you know, 88. And how old were you during this time? I was like, aw, little, bro. Watching everything go down.

I used to get bullet, gunshots, like Beirut all night long, bro. Poof, poof, tooth, tooth, tooth, poof, poof, poof, poof. Oh my God. And then brrrrrah, and then the ambulance. Yeah man. Well listen. Helicopters.

So how the hell did you make it out? Oh, Father Greg Boyle. Yeah? Is a priest out of my neighborhood. He took, he, he would like, see, he would, it's funny man, he was like, you know how you have people who, they rescue dogs or they rescue animals who are in trouble.

Father Great Boy would drive around with his van from church and he'll see like a random gang member and he goes, hey homie, you're in the wrong hood. And then he'll put him in a van and take him back to his neighborhood so he won't get killed. Whoa. And he'll do that all night.

And I grabbed different gang members. And people respected him because he was a priest. They didn't shoot up the van. One time he picked me up when I was drunk and I woke up in the church rectory, bro. Wow. Holy shit. So he put me in rehab, man, and saved my life.

Wow. A lot of my friends were murdered by each other. And yeah, man, a lot of people ended up American Most Wanted. Whoa. I had a friend, he made it in America Most Wanted, man, a lot of people ended up American most wanted. Well, I had a friend, he made it in America's most wanted man. Like he murdered a guy on video and it's out there, but he's in prison now. Well, he was in the top 10 most wanted people in America, bro, with Obama. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, the first time brother

the war criminal been laden. But no, you had it the first time, brother. I was a war criminal. I'm a belated. The Irish guy. In that world, is that not like, hey, I made it? I made it, bro. People make out in that neighborhood as soon as they move out and get a job. But a lot of people that grew up out there, they made it in their own way. I know that that guy, I never met him, but I know he grew up there. Taboo from I Got a Feeling that Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night.

Yeah. Let's get it started. Black Eyed Peas. Yes. He grew up in the taboo from Black Eyed Peas. Yes. He grew up in the taboo from Black Eyed Peas. He grew up in my housing project. And where I am, he grew up in another housing project where he was the only black guy in our all Mexican neighborhood.

No shit. Yeah. Whoa. So, it was cool, man. But I was always that kid who even though I was part of the neighborhood, I didn't like the stuff that they were into. I didn't dress like bald head and khakis. I had long hair, bro.

I had long hair, I had skater hair, and all this was gone. And I had just had my long hair, but I had white t-shirt, my khakis, my converse, but I was never like an actual bald guy. Right. Right. And I was always into different things that they were not into, man. Like I was into skating and they were not into that skating, man.

I was into standup comedy and they weren't, you know, they didn't care for that stuff. They were just crazy kids. It's like crack, you know. Yeah. Were there any like skate parks in your area that were like? Never. There was a skate park in my neighborhood. So they built one at Hollomback. Hollomback Park.

And I think it was PR. P-Rod. He built it. Oh, nice. No way. Yeah, that's cool. A million dollars. Oh, wow. Wow.

A big skate park in the neighborhood. But before, we would just go A million dollars. Oh, wow. Wow. A big skate park in the neighborhood. But before, we would just go to skate in downtown LA, bro. I had that album, bro, Skate and Destroy. You know, the one, the VHS, remember that one? Yeah. And my brother was a big time thief, and he used to go to a place out of our neighborhood,

like a nice neighborhood, and he was doing skateboards from the from the kids who were buying skateboards. The steel to my brother would just walk up to kids who just bought brand new skateboards right outside the door and go, give me that fucking skateboard. Give it to him. Would he have a weapon on him? No, it was just me.

You just like the honors. You were 1413, but my brother's 1617, bro. Oh, oh, my God. Give me that fucking skateboard. And then I go just hand it over and my brother will hop on the bus with 10 skateboards and he goes back to the neighborhood and start off with like,

whoa. There were $80 I guess. My brother was starting from 30. Oh, that's great. How do you become a pro thief? Like, how far does that go? I know there's like breaking and enterings and stealing skateboards and stuff like that,

but is there any like, I'm picturing your brother like opening glass like, you know? That was, it wasn't that smart, because if he was smart, he would have just broke into the skateboard store and took out a skateboard. Yeah, yeah. We got to shipping the trucking company before they hit the shop.

Yeah, we found out where those kids live and they take all the skateboards. Yeah. Yeah. But there was a guy that time in my neighborhood, there was a guy named Louis and he was a professional burglar, bro. I mean, one time he owed me 50 bucks and and I need a 50 bucks right now. And then he goes, I'll get it right now. Hold on. And he went to his house and he put on a hazmat hat and an orange vest and he his house and he put on a hazmat hat and an orange vest. And he walked me and he went into a place where a city,

a city lot where only city workers go in there. He went in there and stole a car, bro. And he took it out. And then he sold the tires from the car and he paid me. Did he? What did he make from that? Nothing, bro. He owed me 50 bucks. Yeah, he didn't want to be in debt to Batman. Are you kidding me?

He sold all of it. It's Batman, dude. You don't fuck with Batman. He sold all those tires for just 50 bucks. Yeah, bro. You got to get a little fast, bro. You know, you're not going to try to make a profit. You know, everything you make when you steal something is 100% profit already. It's not like you pay $7 to get inside the lot

and then somebody else you pay another $10 to get the truck. No, you took everything, it's all yours. 100% profit. But this guy was funny though. He would break into like this place called Happy Tom's. It was like a little rest, a little diner inside the industrial warehouses where we lived. And he would break in there,

make like five hamburgers, clean everything up, and then go sell the hamburgers to us. And then he'll go. That's nice he cleaned it up. Yeah, he would always do that bro. He would break into the vents and then he'll clean everything up. But every time he would,

the last time, every time, he would do it like three times but then after a while he stopped, then he went back and he left him a note. I struck again. That's awesome. That's awesome. The Hamburglar is at it again. Yeah, it was funny, bro.

It was funny, man. My brother, right? And then one time, he was mad at me one time. I said, why are you so mad at me? Bro. Your fucking brother, according to my mom, brought the devil to our house. What do you mean about the devil's house? Your brother and my nephew were going at it.

When they were fighting, they were fucking having sex. Ha! They were like, but wow, bro, nah man, they were fucking having sex. Ha ha ha ha, I guess now we know who's the top, you know? So, they were going at it, bro, like going at it, and this funny man, he came up to me like the ultimate sin. I felt like, if I was like, if I would've been smarter like I am now, I would've looked at him and said, bro, you break into shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just breaking into ass. No one's getting hurt here, nobody's. After he came, did he leave a note on his back that said, I struck again. In Spanish. Oh, Travis. About to strike.

Oh, Travis, mi amigo. Oh, Travis. He goes, oh, I'm striking, I'm striking. Holy shit. Dude is funny, man. And then, cause my brother and that dude, they were like professional thieves too, bro. Yeah, stealing that booty. They were professional, like there was still clothing, like real nice clothing from Melrose.

They'll go to Melrose and take nice clothing and then they will come home and they'll have like a, they'll do this crazy fashion show. We're like, and today we have this jacket. And you're this jacket and normally two hundred dollars, forty dollars. That sounds so fun. Yeah, bro. They were great. They loved them. They were funny guys. They were flamboyant. They were funny and they were thieves.

Brother, good thieves. That's how I would love to. And they were they respected them. They were funny guys. They were flamboyant. They were funny. And they were thieves, brother. Good thieves. Wow. I would love to. And they were, they respected them. And then the other guy, the other guy was their name. The other guy, um, when I came out of rehab, I was, I was shouting, I was, I was my father. I was shopping and we saw that my brother, the one that was caught with, and he was a full-on beautiful woman, bro. Beautiful woman, with big boobs, pretty face. Always, he was always pretty.

And then my dad looks at me like this. And I'm almost told, I say it under my breath, I guess my brother, I'm not gonna like him no more. They were good kids, man, they were good kids, man. They were good kids. God damn. A big blood, God damn. Jesus Christ, buddy.

Call me Bruce Banner. What the hell? Go, go, I'll be over here. I have a two with hash here somewhere. That looks like mushrooms. Yeah, man. They got some weird weed here in New York. Oh yeah, where'd you get that?

Over there on 37th and 8th. Like just a store? A store. Just went to a store. Do you buy them from stores now? I buy them. I have a dealer in my apartment, in my building. That's.

Which rules. Is it good weed? Yeah, I think so. You want to say? Yeah, because the guy I bought it with, it was like a guy that looked like he had a store. But then you go inside, Nestle Crunch, but then you get closer, like Nestle Dabs, you know?

Yeah. You could always tell it's a store because it'll be a candy, but it's called like, like instead of Skittles, it'll be like Zittles or something. Yeah, Zittles. Like, oh, that's a, that's weed. Hey everybody, it's that time of year. If you're feeling overwhelmed, the last thing you want to do is stress out about finding a therapist.

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Okay, thank you, bye. It was 25 bucks a eighth, and I was getting scared when somebody says 25 bucks a eighth, because right away in my head, it clicks. It's the worst weed he's ever sent me for, 25 bucks a eighth. Or when away in my head it clicks. It's the worst weed. He's the guy that's telling me for 25 bucks a eighth. Or when I'm in Denver and I see those billboards, $50 for an ounce. Amen.

Keep that shit. Keep that shit, bro. You keep that cancer away from me. I'm like Joey Diaz, cocksucker. Oh my God, Joey. I'm about to hit he's and the ha ha's. Joey, it's so good to see you. Thank you for doing the podcast.

I'm doing a little deal. You know, I'm part Jewish, you know. I keep my money under the mattress. Bro, I'll give you a story. Just give me a year, bro. That's how it starts. Give me any year. Bro, 1988. We were going to the Iron Give me a year. 1982. Bro, 1988. We were going to the Iron Maiden concert.

It was me and Vinny. No, not Vinny, Tony. Tony LaRusso. You know, his father told him a Juul story. We were like, ha ha ha. And we were trying to get in, right? So man, we saw this woman with a wig and we stole her wig and we stole the wig.

Dude, I listened to his book. 1492, it was me in Columbus, right? We saw the fucking savages. We went crazy, right? Listen to me. Dude, Joey Diaz is like historical figures. 1776. It was 1776. It was me and the first Americans. I was locked up in a fucking nail in a British Navy ship. That's fucking great. The first story I ever heard was that I always I to heckle him, bro, because he would never do a joke.

I like I want to hear this joke. So I would get drunk when I was drinking at the comic and I would go to the back of the comedy store in the back, waiting for Joe to go up at midnight. And he finally went up and he's about to show his balls. T-bag! Do the fucking T-bag joke. Listen you fucking cocksucker,

I'm trying to do a fucking good set right here. I went up on stage one time before him and I said, I'm sweating up here like Joe Diaz showcasing for Disney. Then he went up on stage after me and he goes, I'm sweating up here like, Philippa Sparza trying out a new joke in front of Carlo Mencia.

So this guy has weed, every time he has weed, it's always like, he has a reference to it, like this joint. Oh, this is the weed that the Insurrection guy smoked before the Insurrection guy. Yeah, dude. I had to fix it with a joint. There's a way that joint that

that Chris Brown smoke before he's the last. Aliyah, Aliyah. Yeah, dude. So what are they talking about? That's why Cox says that, but he's in a tea bag joke. So we are a tea bag joke, tea bag joke. Shut the fuck up with a fucking tea bag joke, Mask joke. Shut the fuck up with a fucking T-bag joke Maskins Shut the fuck up. Come on, please do it. Please do it. Then he'll finally do it. He goes you don't do it anymore jeep I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend

Who the stripper everyone's in a while she walks around naked, you know, it's awesome But that's the sometimes in her shoulder period and she has a little fuse hanging out. I Don't know where to light it or pull it. So one day she'll sleep in like a tea bag hanging out of her vagina, right? So I'm playing with a tea bag with a cat. It was pussy against pussy. Wee, wee, wee.

Wee. Wee. Wee. 1948. It was 1948, bro. I was taking a Greyhound bus to Boston. I had to fucking run away, chick give me a taking a great home bus to Boston. I had to fucking run away. Chick gave me a blow job all the way to Boston.

How'd you get to keep your blow job? Oh bro, she was a runaway bro. You buy her a hamburger, they fall in love with you. How did you know she was a runaway? The red eyes and the backpack from crying all night. I like it being historical figures. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that voice.

I know right. He'll do it bro. Like, let me tell you something bro. Yeah. There's a mellow jaw. Let me tell you something bro. It was 1976. I'm going to call him up to say, Pino.

It was 1887. I was sitting over the back with Lincoln, right? I told him, don't wear that hat. They're gonna find out who you are. Wait, you mean the ghost of Lincoln? When did Lincoln get shot? You know, I took active class with class with a murderer, you know. Wait, what year did Lincoln get shot? 1865. I told 1887, bro.

That's funny, I have a podcast called History for Fools. Wait, you may be right and I may be... I know the war ended in 1857, I think. Right. Nah, he didn't get shot in 1887. We got shot in 18 whatever 1865. Oh way off 1865. 1865 man. I was in charge of the black troops you know. The black union. It's so frustrating to not be able to do it because there's so many hilarious bits. 1984, cocksucker.

Joey Diaz is Anne Frank. I was doing both Anne Frank, bro. I couldn't say anything. You know how hard it was to keep that bitch quiet when I was fucking her from behind. She kept scratching notes on the wall. Turns out years later she said she's a bisexual. I didn't see no pussy. I didn't know, man. I was going to fuck her anyways. Bro, one time he was doing a joke, bro, and he was doing a... It's the little subtle thing he does on the way to the story that makes you laugh, bro. Like, so I was fucking this chick, right?

One of them was amazing, but the other one looked like Van Gogh and he'll do this. Man, this shit's coming out the ass of this. I don't know how... So had you ever done this podcast to The Church of What's Happening Now? Yeah, bro, I was there when they, I was at the podcast, Church of What's Happening Now, when they were in LA,

and I was in a podcast when they lost their studios. So we were like loud, and we were smoking, and the lady next door, I'm tired of you guys smoking weed, and talking all that nasty stuff. Ma'am, we're being, this is our show, it's an artistic show. Yeah.

Don't just hate that man with fucking saliva on the side of his mouth, dry mouth, fart smell from fucking Lee Syke coming out of the room. Oh my God, Lee. Shout out, Lee, you're the man. So wait, hold on, Hal, I don't, because I haven't smoked weed in 10 years. Really? You didn't smoke weed with this story worse?

No, man. I'm totally sober. I didn't know that. I'm sober too. Yeah. I don't drink. Yeah, how long has it been since you got a, since you had to drink? How long? 2009. Wow. Yeah. I've been sober 10 years one time, went back and then I was with the longs,

I've been sober, right Lisa? Wow, hey, my Lord. That's huge. It was nice to meet you, seven cocksuckers. My uncle gave me a board where there's seven in his lap. I'm on four years no drinking, except for a little snafu, what am I trying to say? Snafu.

Oh yeah. On St. Patrick's Day where I shit my pants. So how do you guys not, when you smoke weed all the time, but you are in alcohol, how do you not eventually be like, yeah, I'm gonna fucking. I don't like drinking.

I like drinking, but I started drinking first before I started smoking marijuana. But man, if I start drinking right now, like I will, in my mind, it's already made up to do crack or to do heroin or to do any type of drug. Yeah, then you can go from drinking to coke to anything. You do that too?

Just- No, not crack, but definitely cocaine. Yes. Wow, he drank and FaceTimed a bunch of people he wasn't really friends with. See the- Yeah. I'm so glad. I can't really friends with. I'm still glad.

I call my friends, I'm like, I'm back motherfuckers. I'm so glad that I don't do it during social media time. When I was a Coke guy one time on social media, and I knew like all my friends knew I was on Coke, because I was trying to find Coke on Facebook. And I remember I was trying to find coke on Facebook. And I remember I was trying to find comics, my space. I was trying to find comics that were doing drugs without doing like cocaine references and like two in the morning.

Anybody watching Scarface right now? Shut the fuck up. I'd love to go on a ski trip. Hit hit. Yeah, a little ski guy. A little ski emoji and a nose. Oh, my God. Part of the blow movie, the middle or the end? Hit hit. Yeah, a little ski guy, a little ski emoji, and a nose. Oh my god. What's your favorite part of the blow movie?

The middle or the end? Mm-hmm. Dude, yeah. This is the last time I got fucked up. I took a selfie of me doing coke to send to a friend because I was trying to get her to hang out and I was taking selfies and being like, look, I'm having fun

and this is you sent this to a woman that you wanted to have sex with no no we were just buddies we were like coke buddies that's crazy bro oh my god you're like I'll magic on myth man this was what year 10 years ago april 2015 it was 2015 10 years ago, April 2015. It was 2015, God said that. That little dude came up to me and asked me for a little bag. I said, listen, man, you got to think about your comedy, Ian. Don't fuck around. I like this. Don't fuck around. I like this. Don't do your career like Shed Baker, bro.

You're right, Joey. You're right. You saved me, Joey. Every time you feel down, you should call him. You get me up, speech in Coco Diaz. I was up all night, bro, in San Antonio. I couldn't sleep because I did too much blow. And I said, I call up Joe Diaz, right? He goes, just let me tell you, bro, do some push-ups.

Go to sleep. OK, Jacqueline. She just fucking yacked out. But it's weird, like, the way Joe Diaz thinks, bro. Have you ever seen him talk about the banana? No, he was talking, he was literally talking to Joe Rogan about health, bro. And he goes, and then Joe Rogan like,

what, really Joey? That's true. That's good too. Oh my God, Jimmy, look it up. And he goes, nah, Joey, no, Joe, let me tell you, Joe, you don't, I know you're FC, you're fucking around, but let me tell you, Joe, you don't, I know you're F.C., you're fuckin' around, but let me tell you, man, when you put a banana in a blender, it has more calories.

That's why you gotta eat it plain. And nobody question him, bro. I mean, you question Flat Earth, but you're not gonna question this? Yeah. When you put a banana in a blender, you know it has more calories. That's not true. What are you putting in a blender with that?

Snickers? What? Chocolate milk? A baby? I bet that is true though. No, there's no way that's true. That is not true. No way that's true. You put a banana in a blender, bro. More calories.

How would you do that show and take... What was the highest amount of... I couldn't imagine taking one blunt to the face on a podcast. Let alone those stars of death. Joey's got those star edibles. How does that not wake you out into a place of public suicide? I don't know what he's doing, man. I've never taken that much edibles to be like that, but I take edibles to be paranoid.

Yeah, you like getting scared. The first time I did edibles, I was paranoid because I didn't know what was happening. Because it took forever. And then I'm at the bank and I'm talking to a friend, then I feel like, like a fever, a heat coming out of my back. And I start sweating, I don't know what's going on. And then when I was coming out of the bank, I reversed and I crashed into the Bank of America sign right there on Silver Lake, on Dandel Boulevard.

That dent is mine, bro. And you see a dent on that pole is me. And then my Montero, bro. And then when I hit it, I was like, ha ha, what happened? I saw somebody hit me. Then I started laughing, laughing. I goes, oh yeah, it's the marijuana.

I just drove back home laughing. Dude, those things, how many milligrams was that? 2004, cocksucker. I don't know, man. I put a whole quarter in a box of brownies, and I made a trade. Sometimes when you get too high, you just have to kind of like flow into it.

You have to accept it. So if you take like a 200 milligram weed edible, you have to just be like, you have to just fall into it. That's a lot, dude. That's a lot. Yeah, well, I don't into it. That's a lot, dude. That's a lot. Yeah, well I don't do that. That's a lot. I did that one time on a plane, you know,

cause I was on a plane. What? And I was like, I had like a bunch of pills, that are 200 milligrams. That's the worst place to take that. Yeah, and I wanted to like be high through the whole plane, 11 hour flight, so I was just taking them, I would take one, then I'd take another one.

And then by the time we landed, I took two and it was too late they all hit me at once oh my god the guy at the Netherlands Border Patrol Customs oh my god he goes to declare. I'm high as shit. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And then my wife tapped me, did you see the fucking edible, huh? Ha ha ha. Dude. He was, it was the World War II bombing in Rotterdam. It was 1953.

Customs is scary, man. Every time I go through customs, I'm always like, I for some reason lie to them. Like I'll, especially if I'm going for work, I'll be like, it's not for work. I'm visiting friends. Well, years ago, if you were going to Canada, you had to lie and say that you, you couldn't say that you were working because you had to have a work visa and all this fucking legal contracts you would decide in order to work there. And then they changed that.

And cause I know went to Canada a couple of years ago and I had to lie and say, I was visiting a friend because I didn't have the work visa X, Y, Z. And then, um, apparently that changed and I forgot. And I, the last time I went over, I could have been like, Oh yeah, I'm working at the comedy club. But instead at the last second, I panicked and they go, what are you doing here? I go visiting a friend and they go, why don't you come this way? And I was like, Oh fuck. So then I just lied and thank God.

Why did they bring you to a fucking place? No, no, they brought me over to like another guy for an interview. You know how like you see the first guy and then you go to the second guy? Immediately they were like, okay, let's go over here. And I guess I felt paranoid because I just lied. You admit to them. So I was like, I'm a fat liar. I'm sorry. You guys are mad. I was just like, I'm missing my best friend. I'm meeting my niece and nephew for the first time. They go, niece and nephew. I thought you said best friend. And then this is where I got them. I go, well, you know how like when your parents are best friends with someone. I thought you said best friend. And then this is where I got him. I go, well, you know how like when your parents

are best friends with someone, so you call their best friend an uncle, but it's not blood related. Well, I'm uncle. And they were like, oh, what's the name? I go, Bill Bonner. They go, all right, fine. Dude, it's so funny.

Like the fucking web of lies we create to customs. I told them, I was going through to Canada and they were like, what are you doing here? And I'm like, I'm visiting camp friends. I said camp friends. And they were like, sleepover camp? They were like camp? I was like, yeah, sleepover.

And they actually go, so you went to a camp in America and you had Canadian friends that went to the camp? And I went, oh no, they're the counselors. And they were like, what? And they went, what do you do? And I went, I'm a journalist. I told them I was a journalist. Shut up. Are you serious? I told him I was a journalist that had things written up in the New York times. You're lying. You're lying. I'm not lying. I'm not fucking lying. I'm not lying. This is not true. I'm

not lying. I told them all of this. Yeah. They were like, what do you do? I said, I'm a 20 cops. That was a fucking, yeah. What if they were like, what do you do? I said I would. 20 cost. I was there. I was a fucking. Yeah. I told my. Let's look up one of your articles. Well, then we'd be in a stalemate. We'd have a big problem if that if that was the case. I had a when I was going with I think once I was going to Russell with Russell Peters

and I had no problem. I went there for just for laughs before in old five. But then I was open up for Russell Peters and I flew in, no problem. But one time they asked me, were you ever been arrested? And I was arrested, you know, but I had a, it was one of those. You weren't convicted?

I was not convicted, but I went back. It was a DA reject. Like they turned it down. Like the judge didn't want to pick it up because not enough evidence. So I was scot-free, right? But something else kept coming up, but I didn't know what it was.

I didn't know what it was. So this time they took me away, right? They put me in a cell with a bunch of Pakistanian Indian people and brown people. And a bunch of Pakistani, Indian people and brown people and a bunch of people like you bro like Russian fools. You know, shit with Russians bro. And I was in there bro like okay one hour I already missed my flight. Two hours, three.

Then I finally said you know what? I started hanging out with the brown people now. So I started hanging around with the, sitting with the Pakistanians and the Indians. And I was just with, I was not with them, but I was in their group already. But I was already in prison mode, bro. I was already like, if it was gonna be seven more hours, I was gonna try to convince those brown people

to pick a fight with all the Russians all at once. They were like seven of them, it was like 10 of us. So I was like, I was already like, if they're gonna take us, I said we gotta go beat up those Russian guys. And I was like, dude, you're in holding. You don't have to do this. Yeah, this is a jail.

And Mo, I was like, okay, we're gonna beat up those Russians. They're gonna kick our ass, but then we're gonna beat them up. We're gonna fight them again. They're gonna beat our ass, but it's okay. By the time we get to the real prison or real jail, we're gonna beat them up, we're gonna fight them again, they're gonna beat our ass. But it's okay, by the time we get to the real prison or real jail, we're gonna have a rep. Not to fuck with these brown motherfuckers. Because they will not stop fighting.

That's all I wanted, bro. I wanted a rep before they take us wherever they're gonna take us to. And what they say when you pitch this to them? Oh, I never got a chance to pitch it, bro. They fucking call my name, I look at them and say, man, assalamu alaikum, bro. Wa alaikum salam. And I'm to pitch it, bro. They fucking call my name, I look at them and say, assalamu alaikum, bro. Walekum salam. And I'm out of here, bro. Yeah.

But what really, what happened was, when I did my American citizenship test, and American citizenship, they had an FBI background check, CIA, all that shit. My brother committed a bunch of crimes in my name and he had built a bad rep record that was my name, which I didn't know. And this problem followed me through my whole life.

When it came back, the criminal record, I had a deport on site status on me. When it came back, the criminal record, I had a deport on site status on me. Wow. Like they could, like if the cop would have ran my name, he would have automatically had to take me to a ICE agent so they could process me and put me in a prison. Whoa. Because my brother had committed like so many crimes

already that he had a deport on sight on him already. Cause he committed a crime, did the time on my name probably, was supposed to go to court parole, didn't do it, committed more crimes and build up a bunch of bench warrants. Yeah. And you didn't know that he was using your name. I didn't know too. I was on last coming standing 2010?

They did another guy from NBC, the lawyer and a private investigator. They investigated all of us and they told me, um, you know, you have, um, two, um, outstanding arrest warrants on you right now, like one arrest on site and one bench warrant. And I went like this, I wouldn't mean man, D.A. Rej, right? No, really, they're on you, they want you. Because they could have pretty much, they know you're here, they can come get you. Whoa.

And I said it was 1978, my brother. My brother, I took, my brother don't have a Facebook, an Instagram, a MySpace, never had an email back then. So I had to call his daughter to send me a photo of him. And she found a photo somewhere, a Polaroid. And the private investigator compared that photo to the arresting photo and it wasn't me. Wow, that's great.

But now that I'm American citizen, I'm clean, but I didn't know that my brother did so much bad stuff. How do you commit crimes in another person's name? They put you over and you have no ID and you know the guy's birth date and you know his social security number and that's how they care. Oh wow.

Cause I got arrested before, I was one of my best, but one time I used a fake name and they arrested. Oh wow. Damn. Cause I got arrested before I wanted my base, but one time I used a fake name and they arrested me for that fake name. Yeah. I used my brother's name one time. He had a wallet. I used a fake name once, really low level version of that,

but I got on the bus without buying a ticket and they were gonna give me a ticket for that and they asked what my name was and I said it was Paul. I said it was a buddy of mine, like full name Paul. And what happened? Uh, I don't know. Did they find out it was you? They believed they were like, you're a Paul. I have no idea, dude. I think I paid the ticket, but there might be a ticket. So wait, the amount of panic that must've been going through you at that moment. Right. But when they said, hey, on site, you get deported right now. Yeah.

What the fuck? Yeah. So like, what are you doing in that moment? Are you like, are they working with you or are they like, Felipe, you gotta go? Were they on your side to try to help you out? I'm taking a citizenship test. So yeah, man, they were the lawyer. I had an immigration lawyer and he filed all these motions,

you know, and cleared my name. That wasn't me. Yeah, but imagine- And that's all it took was a picture. Yeah, no, but that was for last come and standing. Right. When I showed him the picture, the lawyer, the private investigator said, oh, that's not you.

But he don't work for the courts. He didn't go to a process me and clear me. That's not his job. His job was just making sure Felipe is not a criminal on the show. Yeah. Because we don't want to process me and clear me. That's not his job. His job was just making sure Felipe is not a criminal on the show. Cause we don't wanna have a fucking criminal on the show on television and people say, that's the guy who robbed me, who didn't even get arrested.

Who else did they have on the last Comic Standing when you did it? Oh man, all the killers, bro. Everybody made it. Wow. Cristela Alonso, she got her own sitcom. Tiffany Haddish, that real funny lady from the roast.

Oh, uh. With her nice dresses. Huh? Nikki Glaser? Nikki Glaser. Yeah, she was on. That's such a fun way to describe her. And she was, she was, man, she was, you know,

she was fucking very successful. And Rory. Rory Scoble? No, no, no, man, she was fucking very successful. And Rory. Rory Scoble? No, no, no, no, Little Rel. Oh, Little Rel. Little Rel was on and. Well.

Kurt Metzger. Oh, great. It's a killer lineup, who won that year? The late Mike DeStefano. Did you win that year? Hell yeah, beat their asses, bro. Really? Yeah.

No shit. Hell yeah. I won, bro, $250,000. Dude. And the next day my son's mom filed for child classes, bro. Really? Yeah. No shit. Hell yeah. I won, bro, $250,000. Dude. And the next day, my son's mom filed for child support, bro. I was in bad shape on that show, bro. Were you? Yeah, bro.

I was in bad shape. I had just sobered up a year ago. Luckily, my wife was helping me out. But we had to write down all our jokes on word for word. Even if you're gonna say, what's up everyone? That has to be written down. That's crazy. Really? And then another lawyer will make sure

that you're not pissing off the advertisers of NBC, because I know that another guy, Roy Wills Jr., he had a funny joke about Wendy's, and he had to change it to Fats Foods Change in America. A burger stand in America. Really? Just like generic name for something. But people were, a lot of people were not following

the rules, you know, as far as like being clean. And there was one comic who I would say that he was pretty much ahead of his time, bro. As far as his standup and his attitude, he would've been a big star, man. A lot of comics are very, their comedy style is that style, where they know like Mike DeStefano.

Oh wow, yeah. Mike DeStefano. He's one of the best. Bro, he opened up in San Francisco, first words out of his mouth, I knew there was a lot, he opened up in San Francisco, first words out of his mouth. I knew there was a lot of gays here in San Francisco, but I tripped over two dicks on the way in here. Damn, he was great, man.

So you're saying he got in trouble on the show. No, he was like, he was saying he was free. He was a mature comic. He was like, don't tell him not to say this. He'll just say yeah and then do it. Really? Yeah, because he was 46, 44. So he was a veteran, bro.

He was more mature than all of us. We all like, don't say that, okay, I won't say it. He just didn't care. He didn't care, bro. When he didn't win, he goes. He got second place, right? Yeah, when he didn't win, he goes... He got second place, right? Yeah, when he didn't win, he... No, third place. When he didn't win, he goes,

fuck you, America. You dropped this one. Great. That's so bugged up. And when I won, I said, God bless America. Gracias. Who got second place on that? Tommy Johnigan. He's funny, too. Mike DiStefano.

When Mike Kaplan, he was fourth, fifth. Oh wow. Felipe, um, Tommy, Mike DiStefano, Roy was junior. Mike DiStefano's, uh, story, the ride about him and his wife, Franny going for the last ride before she passed. He did it for the moth. Oh yeah, you can find that on YouTube. I used to listen to it and just cry. It's one of the most beautiful stories. That was my last story, last come and stand he did that.

Wow. Yeah, and then he passed away what, like a year later? Yeah. Who were the judges on that? Greg Giroudo, Andy Kindler, and Natasha Leggero. Wow. And I never met Andy, but Greg Giroldo, I had opened for him in Addison Improv, bro.

Back when they had a budget and they were flying openers. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Bro, they told you bro, they were flying openers. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, bro. Was that a... They flew me out, bro, gave me a room, 325 bucks for the whole week. Whoa.

Nonsense back then, bro. Yeah. And it was Jim Pompah again and Greg Giroddo were co-headlining. Wow. What was that like being with Giroddo that weekend? Bro, it was amazing, bro. He would do a last,

he would hang out by himself at the end of the show with the staff. And he told me I was funny, badass. And he would, I had met him briefly in 1996 cause I was on a show called Latino Laugh Festival. And it was hosted by Daisy Fuentes from MTV. Oh my God. Yeah.

Woo! What year did you start? I started like, I've been doing it for 30 years. Oh my God. And so that was my first TV credit, bro, 96, and I can tell you right now, bro, that I was in the same, when Brian Holtzman got his first TV credit,

I was there. I was hanging out with him and his mom in San Antonio at the Riverwalk. Oh my God. And he didn't give a fuck, bro. He opened, first of all, man, we were doing a comedy show, okay? Imagine we were doing a tape, you did Premium Blend?

No. Did you do any Comedy Central? No, we did Gotham Comedy Live. Okay, so that was the new premium blend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did premium blend, and premium blend was the new, I think Doritos comedy, because Comedy Central each have the Doritos.

They had a Pepsi Doritos, it was sponsoring the specials before, the seven minute sets. Right. Oh, that's hilarious. That was free premium blend. Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. That was pre-Premium Blend. Yeah. That's when you saw the older comics,

like us, Mencia when they were young, Damon Wayans, but what was I saying? Premium Blend. Because the weed's good, cocksucker. I was supposed to weed like that, so then what you gonna see? Greg Giraldo. Conan, do open mic, in 1989.

Greg Giraldo. Yeah. The Spanish. First TV credit, Spanish credit, Daisy Fuentes, 96. I was like, I walked up to him, I don't know if he was a fan or not, but I didn't know you were Latino, you're one of my favorite comics. He goes, no, you're Latino, it's even better. Giraldo? Yeah, Giraldo. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know.

I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I don up to him, I don't know if he was a friend or not, but I don't know, you were Latino,

you're one of my favorite comics. He goes, no, you're Latino, it's even better. Giraldo said that? No, I said that to John Mendoza. Oh, hilarious. You know who that is? Yeah, I know John Mendoza. He has like one liners, he goes,

you know the coolest job in the world, it must be the guy that switches the switch for the electric chair. He goes in, signs off. He wants to work some overtime. He dims it. So he's great. He's out. He's out. He's one liners. John Mendoza and he had a he had a sitcom that lasted like four months. I canceled after a couple of episodes. So he was there a legend, you know, and I was like, And he had a sitcom that lasted like four months. It got canceled after a couple episodes.

So he was there, a legend, you know? And I was like, I couldn't believe it, bro. I used to watch this guy on, when I was a kid, bro. So I was like, then Greg Giraldo was there. I couldn't believe it. That's so cool. Cheech Marin, bro. Holy shit. Whoa.

They got a documentary coming out, Cheech and Chum. Really? Yeah, it looks awesome. It's like a movie and a documentary. It looks very cool. So that's where I met Greg Giraldo. So I met him there, then I met him again at the what you call it, Addison Improv.

So when last coming, standing, bro. But back then, bro, I had just sobered up, by the way. A year ago. I had no car, my friend crashed it, trying to buy a crack, totaled it, bro. But I went to the hospital and I fucking opened his hand, he had the crack in his hand, like a soldier, god sucker! Like a soldier!

Felipe, I totaled your car, but check out these three doves. Shh! He fucking totaled my car, bro. And the fucking tow truck driver and the impounder He fucking threw it on my car, bro. And the fucking tow truck driver and the impounder kept telling me, come get the fucking car. Bro, I never picked that car up. I was a loser, bro. I would get a ticket and not pay it, bro.

Throw it in the trash. I would get a speedy ticket or something, throw it in the trash. I was not a responsible guy. You winning last comic standing that year, that must like kind of solidified the sobriety, a little bit, right? Everything, when I won Last Comic Standing, all those debts came off, I had to pay them all at once. So I paid those, I had a lot of outstanding bills,

and I didn't have a driver license, because Charles of Porto took it, right? And then when I went't have a driver license because child support took it, right? And then when I went to get a driver license, they told me that, no, man, you just have to take the test. Your driver license was never really suspended. What? Jesus Christ. They just took it?

Yeah, so when I auditioned for Last Comment Standing, Greg Giroddo saw me and he remembered me from those those three times that we met and he said that this um This this environment doesn't really show how funny Philippe Esparza is Oh shit, and I've seen him before and I'm gonna have to say yes to him because I know what kind of comedian He really is an audience I'm about to say yes to him because I know what kind of comedian he really is in the audience. And Andy Kindler said, well, based on that, I'm going to say yes. And then I'm not going to say that Natasha said yes.

But then after I left, they must have cut and they're going to say no. Oh, no fucking way. I swear to God, they fixed it. Yeah. So then when she said no and she said no, when I watched it on television, oh, she said no, I thought she said yes. Or maybe I heard those two yeses. That would be rude. It's like saying that I didn't care what she says, but I heard her say yes, whoever I want, but they didn't have a car. So the producer came out to me after the show, after I got passed, and they said,

Filipe Esparza, if you never won or made it through, all the trouble is done. I looked at them and I said, beat up already, you know from life. I said, what am I gonna do? Go home. I got my bikes to go outside. I'm just gonna unchain this and ride down,

go home, take this bike into the sunset go go to sunset yeah and it's not that was cool that they have a car and they did a whole biopic on me right there and then bro Wow so then I was interested you know this guy beat up Jack and looking like dr. Jack will mr. Hyde yeah long hair beat up Converse man looking like an 80s comic, homeless, on a beach cruiser with red tires, bro. You know, living the dream, bro. Not giving up.

Yeah. They told me, asked me questions about, do you get around with a bicycle? Yeah, because I told them the story about the guy. Yeah. Also, I don't have that many friends anymore. I put a lot of bridges, so I don't have that many friends anymore. I've built a lot of bridges. So I don't have a lot of friends

that will give me a ride anymore. Because after every show, I would do after they give me a ride to the show, I would tell them to take me to the dope man. So they won't take me no more. And so this is what I would do bro. Friday nights, I like to dance. So I dance.

No, but on Friday nights, I had a show at. I totally bought that, I was like, hell yeah. He was like, oh, makes sense. You actually made me go, I should dance more. When you said that, I went, I gotta dance more. So, Friday nights, I had a show at eight o'clock with Sunda, comedian, and it was an eight o'clock show, clean show, so I would be like the second

comic going up after the first comic. So then I would there I would dip to the Laugh Factory in Long Beach to do the nine o'clock show. And then I will be the last comic. I will go from the Laugh Factory bus, I'll call it Laugh Factory bus but on Sunset, I will take that fucking bus to Highland and I would catch the blue line right there. And that blue line would take me all the way to Long Beach. And it stopped in front of the Laugh Factory, so I would just jump out, smoke a joint with Tiffany Haddish, bro.

And then I would do the set at 10, hop back on the train, go back on the bus, and then do the midnight show with, with Brian Holtzman, me and Tiffany and Leslie Jones. Wow. That's so awesome, dude. So I was making, I was making money, bro. I was, the Laugh Factory, they were hooking me up.

Wow. God damn. How much did they pay for a spot back then? The, the, the La lab factory paid the lease. It was like $180, $180, $100. But the long people, $150. Why did they all pay livable wages and then just stay stuck in time? Yeah, they don't change it after a while.

It is like nobody can make a living on feature pay. They do not fly features out. No man. You know, living on spot pay is next year to impossible. Yeah. You can't do it. I know right. I remember when I went to,

I worked with Jim Pompa again and Sully McCullough. He was Sully McCullough. He was like, he was baby legs on fucking, don't be a menace to society while drinking your juice. Oh, crazy legs. Crazy legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a stand up comic.

He wrote him and Chris Spencer, they wrote a book called, You Know Your Ghetto Air. You know like, Jeff Fox, Jeff Fox we have, You Might Be a Redneck. Yeah. And I did an interview with Jeff Foxworthy. And he told me that Chris Spencer and Sully McCullough,

one of the way is approach them to do, you know, your ghetto. And Jeff Foxworthy started listening to the ghetto. One, he goes, those sound like rednecks, too. And the way Jeff Foxworthy laughs in the little mustache movie, I was laughing bro on that Zoom. He said, he said, cause what, cause I started reading, remembering the jokes from the book. He goes, yeah, one of them was if you start a fight with the birthday girl and you were invited to by someone else, you might be ghetto.

If you're 45 with hickeys, you might be ghetto, you know? He goes, if you, if your son, if you were in the ninth grade with your son, you might be ghetto. But Jeff Fogworth's were, oh, when I did the podcast with Jeff Fogworthy, I showed him the photo of him and I when I first met him, and I was young, I was like 2012 or something.

And he had a mustache and he said, that's a long time ago. Yeah bro, I remember I shared it, I made a meme about it. And I said, if you knew one mesquite your whole life, you might be a redneck. And then we're talking, bro, and he's so cool, bro. Like he's telling me this story about how he was doing a show in Nashville in the late 80s,

and Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin goes to his show. Cause he heard him on the radio doing the, you might be a redneck. Wow. And then he started saying that, that they made, that he's considered a redneck in London. I don't know what they call them. Pikeys, I don't know.

Oh yeah. Logan's? What are they calling these? Australian? I don't know what they call them. Pikeys, I don't know. Oh yeah. No, they're Irish. What are they called? That's Australian. Cockney people, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no shit. Cockney, yeah.

Wow. If your son looks like your wife's brother, you might be Cockney. Wow. Wow, I can't imagine writing something so iconic that like it- It's just plug and play for every other. It just explodes. That is so cool.

I remember watching his tapes before watching him. They were at every gas station. Him and the other guy, here's your sign. Oh, Bill Engle. Bill Engle. That guy was making, they would brag about it, not brag about it, but the road comic when I first started, they would tell me, oh that guy, bro, he was the first comic to make a million dollars off merch.

Bill Engvall was? Yeah. He would sell them, here's your sign, and that was a shirt, here's your sign, keychains, everything, tapes, bro. Good God. I went to the roast of Jeff Fox where was it in 2005? That was a, tapes, bro. Good God. I went to the roast of Jeff Fox where I was in 2000, 2005. That was a good one, bro. It was great.

But Bill Engvall. Was that Geraldo was there too? Or was that? Wow. Bill Engvall was on stage. And they were, I was a seat filler. They were, Bill Engvall was stuttering and so bad that they had to kept stopping and going,

all right, we're just going to take it from the top one more time. It's all right, Bill, take your time. And then he'd go and he'd mess up and they had to take a break and like just to get his line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was nervous or something. So there's two of them.

I know they wrote Larry the Cable Guy too. Yeah. Oh yeah. And then, and Ron White. Ron White. Yeah. Ron White, Jeff Fox, and Ron White. Ron White. Yeah, Ron White, Jeff Foxer, the Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. I remember when Larry the Cable Guy was roasting Jeff Foxworthy, he said, I know he does, you might be a redneck,

this is how you know you're not Jeff Foxworthy. And then he said, if you take a Learjet to do a corporate gig, you might be Jeff Ogworthy. That's awesome. Learjet. Yo, so we're going to wrap, but where can people find you? You have a special out on Netflix. It's fucking great. When and where did you film it?

I filmed it at the Sacramento, California at the Crest Theater. My wife, Lisa O'Daniel, she directed, executive produced. She produced all my specials. It's amazing. Her and I, we shot it ourselves with our money and we sold it to Netflix. Wow. Yeah. Holy shit.

They got a two year lease and after that, it's gonna go straight to YouTube or somewhere. Where, I don't know where. They're gonna renew it. Yeah, they're gonna renew it. And you had the great Brittany Duffield work on it as well. Yes, bro. The best.

Shout out, Britt. We love you. best, shout out Britt, we love you. Yes, and I won Story Wars with you. Yeah, that's right. Yes, your biggest credit to date. That's a fun show. That's a really fun show. How did you get it at first? It's hard to get it.

I thought that they were gonna right away know it's not me because they were all snow stories. And there was no snow in California. Oh shit, yeah. Yeah. What, you also have a podcast? I have two podcasts, History for Fools, and I have a podcast called What's Up Fool.

I love, the History for Fools is fun, because we get to read a whole book on Audible, and research stuff on tick-tock and go and pretty much I'm going to a rabbit hole and we do stuff like that like the the 1916 uprising of Ireland and history of our stand-up comedy history of Native Americans comedians the book is called, we had a real estate problem. And we do a, and then the What's Up Food podcast. We had a lot of guests, Neil Brennan, Paul Rodriguez,

Ralph Barboza, hopefully you. Yeah, love to. We had that guy Oya from Mad Ball. Oya Rock. Yeah brother man. Oh yeah. When we started off man, we had an agnostic front man. We were just fucking killing people man.

Oh dude, his stories are out of control dude. Yeah, we got the, yeah the Mad Ball record on the wall. Yeah. Shout out Oya Rock. And Sagla, what do you want people to get eyes on? I have a, I also have a podcast, Sag Daddy Da Pod. Check that out, really funny stuff. And that's, yeah, that's it.

I'm going on the road. So go to punchup.live slash Brendan Sagalow for tickets. Delaware, daddy from Delaware? Yeah. Where's Delaware again? Dover? Dover is in Delaware. That's right.

Shout out to my boys over there, Brian Figuero and Big Paul Hendricks from fucking Philly. Hell yeah. Shout out Paul Hendricks, shout out Brian Figuero. EFIdance.com for all my dates. I am going all over, got a bunch of new dates out. So go check it out, punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. See her on the road and we'll see you next week. We love you. Bye.

San Diego, August, April 5th. I love the last minute. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.