Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 016: "Pill Bug Belly Button" W/ Jamar Neighbors and Jeremiah Watkins

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

From deep in a Vegas Hotel room at Skankfest, Bein' Ian with Jordan hosts the hilarious Jeremiah Watkins and Jamar Neighbors! They get into some shenanigans over black eyes, dogs having their ways, and bugs in your belly button. For more, please sub to the pod at www.patreon.com/beinianpod Find Jeremiah at @jeremiahstandup Hear more from Jamar at @jamar_neighbors As alsways, Jordan is @jordanjensenlolstop Ian is @ianimal69

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know he means giving it, not getting it.

Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. And life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian being Ian with Jordan by the way hi Jordan nice to meet you

oh you too that's right that was fun and then this is Jeremiah is Godfrey here? no we're still trying to figure out how we know each other dude it's gonna kill me yeah

how do you think you know each other? yeah yeah how do you think you know? yeah let's hear that I know that it was stand up and then I was texting somebody Dude, it's going to kill me. Yeah. How do you think you know each other? Yeah, yeah. How do you think you know her? Yeah. Let's hear that. I know that it was stand up and then I was texting somebody and I was like, do you know this Jeremiah guy? Hmm. God.

What were you going to follow that up with? I don't know. It was Ethan. I was texting Ethan about it. Oh, do you know Ethan Simmons Patterson? No, there's no way. He's really funny. I don't think so.

Oh. Hmm. Well, welcome to B&E and everybody. I'm going to figure it out. Thank you for joining us for another episode from Skank Fest. I said this earlier, but this is a fun thing I've been doing. I've been going up to strangers

that are not affiliated with Skank Fest and going, Skank Fest! To people that look like they're coming from weddings. Please get away from my baby. Did you ever go to New Hampshire? Jesus Christ. No.

And then what happened? She's going to keep going back to how they met. I know, but then what happened to you? Like when you were doing that to people? Oh, they get scared. And they just go on their wedding bus. And then the song plays that doesn't fit the people that are getting on the bus. Did you ever get married in Vegas?

Yeah. Really? Like a drive-thru wedding in one of them little cars with the fucking soda cans on the back? I don't want to be. You almost did last year. That was a joke. That's how I would do it. Wait, what did you say in the back?

Everybody does it as a joke. The little soda cans on the back, like when you drive off. Yeah, and like soup cans. Do you think anybody couldn't afford like the full 12 ounce cans? They got like the four or five ounce cans that are like, or if you're anybody couldn't afford like the full 12 ounce cans? They got like the four or five ounce cans that are like or if you're a little person, is that what you put on? Instead of like the full size cans you put on the little baby cans?

No, you put on thimbles. You put on what? Thimbles. I still can't believe we settled on little person. I can't believe that was the final decision. I can't believe the final decision for what to call midgets is little people. Yeah. That's way more.

It's worse. Yes. Right. Little, little, little person. I think is worse. That's what you got.

But that's why he don't want you to judge him. Cause he know he, that now you're going to call him exactly. Well, that's why I think person of color is way more offensive than the N word. Anyway. Uh, no. more offensive than the N word. Anyway.

No. I don't like person of color. I think that. You don't like people of color? Oh, God, no. No, no, no. The phrase. We're going to edit this up. We're going to clip it all. You motherfucker. You fucking got me good.

No, person of color sounds insane. And my mom accidentally said colored person because she couldn't learn. What else would you call them? I don't know. Well, that's what they that's what the community wants. Then there's the guy who's that comic in New York who's small, but he's not a little person. What is he?

He's a dwarf? No, there's some handicap. I don't know if you a dwarf? No, there's some handicap. I don't know if you can even say it. It makes him small. Spinal bifida? It might be Spinal bifida, dude. I think that honestly, I think little person, I think they're

calling them elves. Elves? That's what you walked all over what I was saying to do? That's what you stepped on me? Holy shit. And they had the best looking shoes out of all the weird people. You? No, I'm talking about the elves. Their shit's curl.

Oh, I thought you were talking about because... Are you guys listening to the conversation we're all having together? No, I haven't been listening. I thought you were saying that they had the best shoes because little people can also get dope Jordans and stuff like that in the little kid section. Oh, yeah.

Have you ever been tricked on Nike where you're like, fuck, $120? I saw a major getting arrested for getting some kid Nikes. What? He was doing what? Just trying to get some kid Nikes. Nothing sexual or crazy. You said it was illegal? Yeah. Like midges aren't allowed to get some kid Nikes and shit. Nothing sexual or crazy. It was just like... You said it's illegal?

Yeah. What? Midgets aren't allowed to get kid shoes because they're still grown people. You're not telling the truth. That's not true. You're not telling the truth. That's like getting arrested for ordering off the kid's menu. That is such a good rumor to spread like it's illegal. Midgets to get little

kid shoes. Dude, I imagine you dressing up in full security guard at like a footlong and be like, hey, man. I love how we're so dumb. We were both like, really?

Is it true? I was just imagining a little guy getting arrested and then I went to the handcuffs and I was like, do they have to get smaller handcuffs? How do we do this?

Yeah. I think they just ball them up and put them in their back pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they zip up the back pocket and walk off. And they're squirming in there, yeah.

Yo, there was the hottest midget at the Naked Roast last night. Did you see it? There was a midget bitch there? Were you guys there for the Naked Roast? It's okay. Was it naked? No, was it naked?

By the way. These are the rules. If you're black, you can say midget bitch. No, no, that's actually the new term. Oh, is it for women? Female? Okay, great. Because you don't want to say female because they could be trans. Midget bitch. Midget bitch. Yeah, that's actually the new term. Oh, is it for women? Female? Okay, great. Because you don't want to say female because they could be trans. A midget bitch.

Yeah, that's actually what they prefer. She was a midget bitch. She wasn't naked, but she was hot. They all do. Did she laugh? They all do. What's up with that? They all do. What? If you're a little person, if you a midget bitch, then you have ass.

Yeah. Y'all don't need a midget bitch, then you have ass. Yeah. Y'all need a midget bitch without badunga-dung? I don't think so. That is like... That is 100%. There is no midget with a flat ass. The way their hips and everything are. That's so sad. I'm going to get one of those motorcycle shirts that says if you can read this, the midget bitch fell off.

That's funny. Because people will read it and be like wait what wait what is that did I read that right and then I'll be gone dude she was so hot and they did a very funny thing what color was she a person of color or a person of transparent what some sort of Spanish I think

oh yeah you don't like it? Do you know her name? Can we pull her up? No, I don't. We'll actually have her right under your hat. Yo. What?

It's me, midget bitch. Yo, did I tell you it's a midget in Hollywood and that nigga look just like me? Nuh-uh. What? He does. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've seen that guy. Really? Yeah, he look just like me. Yes. I like them both looking at each other and pointing at each other. Wait, why did he go to your birthday party? With a bitch that I like. Because I invited the girl, and then she said, can I bring my friend?

And I said, I guess, because I was trying to get at the girl. And then she brought this little nigga. And I said, he looks just like me, but he little. I'm not quite your type. She brought a snack size you? Yeah. What? She's watching her weight? That's fucking crazy. I don't hate him

because y'all don't know him, but I hate that. Imagine how much he hates you though. Does he wear fake mohawks? He really does. He could, so I'm thinking about doing a circus act. Yeah. You know, you should. I don't know how it's going to be. You got to bring him to the comedy

store where they're like, Jamar neighbors. And it's not going to be on set the whole time. Even just Halloween. How much do you think I can pay him for that? He's got to be your little hype man. You got to wear a backpack on stage and have him pop out. I don't want to be around. I don't want to be around. Yo, oh, oh, oh. You could be like, man, you ever fall down and drink radioactive ooze?

And then he'll grow out of your neck. Oh, you could do a... And he could be like your little guy. He'd have to be inside my neck, though. You could do a, this is me before, after I got the vaccine and bring him out on stage. Or how about they just be like, hey, Jamar and Avery, then he just go up there. Oh, yeah. You don't make mention to it, no nothing.

Does he have a high voice? Yeah, he does. Really? Yeah, he does. Does he have a... I? Yeah, he does. Really? Yeah, he does. I have a midget voice. Wow, maybe you were supposed to be him or something. Yeah. I want to see what he looks like. He really does. Alright, let me see. Does he wear a mohawk?

No, but I could get him to. Pretty sure you could get him to do whatever you want. Yeah, put him on stage. People just think it's a big stage. They're watching you. Let me see this cat. Give him a tiny mic. Yeah. Tiny sets on stage. People just think it's a big stage. They're watching you. Let me see this cat. Give him a tiny mic. Yeah. Tiny sets.

Can he do a tiny sets? What about this? Instead of doing 15, he'll just do five. Just get him on board for Halloween. That's what I say. And then you can work your way up from there. Make him your ventriloquist dummy.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, do you go to the camera though? He takes pictures and make them look like he's not a little guy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, do you go to the camera though? He takes pictures and make them look like he's not a little guy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my.

Look at that. Oh geez. This picture here looks like he is in a terrorist video in like Mozambique. Yeah. Like he looks like he needs help. Like a hostage. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, look, here's him as a little baby and then here's him as an adult the same size. Oh, you got a text. Jamar. Yeah?

Have you gotten laid while you've been down here in Vegas? No. No? There was a bald-headed woman that looked like she was into you. Where? When we were waiting for Jeremiah. She wasn't into me. No? Oh, my God. He's ripped.

Yeah, he is ripped. Every time I call Jamar, he's like, I'm at the gym. I love that he hates this guy. That is so funny. Shut up, Jeremiah. What? This nigga does not look like me. I pointed at a photo. Yeah. I'm not fucked here. He's like more handsome. Anyway.

I'm not fucked here. He's like more handsome. Anyway. I'm not fucked here. Did you tell the chick, like, don't bring your little guy friend? No, I just kind of had an attitude the whole time. I was just like... We had a thing. You're being petty? Yeah, like... Just over the guy's head.

He's talking and you're like, I don't hear Yeah Oh can you reach that in the cabinet Oh shit never mind My little cousin was there and then she came out She was at the like she told my sister She's like bitch there's a midget in there She ran I said I ain't going back in there

At my birthday party I was like go back in there Why did you think she was going to catch it What the hell Some people have a phobia Of little people At my birthday party. I was like, go back in there. Why? Did you think she was going to catch it? What the hell? Some people have a phobia. Of little people. Yeah, true. What's your phobia?

Ooh, what is my phobia? I faint at blood. Really? Yeah, yeah. I faint hard. Really? Hardcore. Oh, yeah.

Fainted on a plane. I'm transphobic. Nice. Nice. That's a real thing. It's scary, man. Yeah, yeah. Totally.

He's so scary. But you don't like blood. It's scary, man. Yeah, yeah, totally. He's so scary. But you don't like blood. What's yours? Maybe, like, getting stabbed in the eye. What? What kind of? Oh, like this guy. Oh, you can't see it. I have a tattoo of a guy getting stabbed in the eye. What about in movies where they

crush the eye? You know, it only takes three pounds of pressure. I dated a guy who would put his thumb here and go three pounds only three pounds and push him like yeah yeah wait while he was having sex with you that'd be scary what the fuck wait while he was railing you in the ass that's crazy wait while he raped you he would do that sorry go ahead wait what are you afraid of jamar no my trans no you're not shut up actual fear you you afraid of, Jamar? No, my trans people. No, you're not. Shut up. My actual fear is... You're afraid of how much you're into them. That's what I think. No, no, no, not at all. That doesn't help.

I'm not going to... You have permanent acid. Your eyes look like you're always on acid. Do people say that to you? What? Your eyes look permanently dilated. Oh. Do people say that to you?

They don't show up in photos sometimes. What? No. What? They look like black darkness. Are you like a vampire? What is that? Last night, I was asking you something.

Am I going in? They're very dark. Yeah, they're very dark. They're not. They're normal. Oh, my God. Because I'm under the light right here. I've never seen you.

If I'm out of the light, it's very dark. I've never seen you during the day. Jeremiah. Jeremiah crazy? If you make eye contact with Jeremiah, you find out how you die. That's my fear. Eye contact with Jeremiah. Actual fear is being put in a vegetative state

and not being able to escape my body. Oh, yes. That's my fear. Whoa. I literally told my wife, I go, you pull the plug on me. I'm going to plug it back in. Like, nope. the plug on me if I'm gonna plug it back in like nope and I'm gonna

pick you up and take you around a weekend of Bernie's hey everybody it's your old pal Ian finance here from the hit podcast being in Jordan and I to say just because fall is here doesn't mean you can let cobwebs collect in your pantaloons I don't know why you'd

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Why don't you shave? You know why I don't shave? Because my wall shaver broke and I keep forgetting to go to Walgreens to get another one. Okay. Which is why I'm grateful. Manscaped sent me their John for me to shave my dong. Okay. My gal's gonna want to, Hey, pack a lunch, baby.

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We shall. You know, that's scary. It is scary. Have you ever had sleeping paralysis? Yes. Yeah, it's so fucked up. When your blanket's too heavy? Or, yeah, you feel like someone's sitting on your chest.

And you feel like you're screaming. And there's like a demon over you and you can't move out of it. Listen, we know what you do on the weekends. I don't know about a demon. And you wake up and the man has stolen your money. The man? And your ass hurts. And you look at your phone and you've been texting with a doctor who's married for a while. I used to sleep in a loft

bed and I had sleep paralysis and I was trying to itch out from under it. I woke up and I was like hanging off the side of the lofted bed because I was, well, I was, you dream in sleep paralysis, right?

That something's on you. So, and I kept inching out from under this like monster or whatever. And then I woke up and I was like about to fall off of my like seven foot tall loft bed to get out from my, yeah, I was very lucky. Oh God.

Yeah. I used to do that with bunk beds. Your mirrors that have to sleep at the top of the bunk bed. How come every kid threw their hamster Off of a bunk bed I know so many kids Who have been like I threw my hamster off the top of a bunk bed I swear to god Here's the thing she grew up in a barn

So she grew up like in the woods She's like a woods person I know a guy who fucked a cat That must be peaceful No you don't No it wasn't peaceful at all Wait what do you mean you know a guy I fucked a cat. That must be peaceful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. What? Yeah, yeah. No, you don't. Was it peaceful? No, it wasn't peaceful at all. No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, what do you mean you know a guy? You can't just say, I know a guy who fucked a cat. Just that kind of rural. So what are your fears? Hanging out with her too long. Do you feel like you'd kill it all naked and afraid? Yes, I would.

I know I would. Yeah? Yeah, totally. Where's his barn? Where is this? It's upstate New York. Not rich upstate. Wait, hold on. Back to the cat real quick. Yeah. Also back to the cat and also back to the fact that you're like,

we all threw hamsters off bunk beds, right fellas? I swear to God, I swear to God, the amount of kids I know who have been like, I had a hamster. I threw it off my bunk bed once. It's like a thing. I swear to God, we're going to, we'll look it up on Reddit. I knew so many people with hamsters. None of them threw them off a bed. A bunk bed. It's always the bunk bed story. And it would traumatize them. I swear to God, we'll look it up on Reddit. I knew so many people with hamsters. None of them threw them off a bed. A bunk bed. It's always the bunk bed story. And it would traumatize them. I swear to God. In what way did they throw...

I'm going to Google it. Can you just demonstrate? You were like this. I'm sorry. What are you talking about? And don't say we all did it. What am I supposed to keep talking about when you said we all throw hamsters on beds and we went,

huh? And then you went, I don't know, I fucked a cat. I had a friend who had a gerbil and Go on. And we ate breakfast and then we had sausages and eggs and stuff like that and I forgot to wash my hands before I went to pet his gerbil

and there's a little crack in the tube and I was like hey little guy he thought that my finger was a sausage link and he went and it was one of the most I've ever bled like I could not stop I could not stop bleeding out of my finger it hurt?

because his teeth went directly in. It was bad. Did you get stitches? Almost. I kept pulling off the bandage and then it would be like Oh yeah, boy. Here's the thing that probably everyone did. Did you guys ever have hermit crabs?

Yeah. Yeah, I remember those. Did you thunk them off the cage? No. What? That's fucked up. Really? You can chuck a hamster off a bed, Did you thunk them off the cage? No. What? No, that's fucked up. Really? You chuck a hamster off a bed, but you thunk a snail. It's a snail.

It's got a hard shell. Hamsters are soft. No way. The turtles used to freak me out because I used to be like, get out of that fucking shell. But it's part of their body, and that kind of skeeves me out a little bit. You know what I mean? You want to separate it.

I used to have four turtles. Really? Remember that? Oh, yeah, you did? Nah. Were they like water turtles? mean? You want to separate it. I used to have four turtles. Really? Remember that? Oh, yeah, you did? No. Were they like water turtles? No, mine were red-eared slider, box turtle, white turtle. Those are water turtles. Did you name them Ninja Turtle names?

No, that's gay. I named mine Michael. Yeah, I mean, what'd you name them? How is it gay naming turtles the Ninja Turtles? No, no, no, not gay. No, of course. I say gay like, you know, that's crazy. No, yeah. Like, hey.

Come on, man. The 2005 gay. Come on, bro. That's the best kind of gay. I know, I know. Squirtle, Rusty, and Reptar. You can remember their names. Reptar's great. Squirtle, come on. You seem like a Rugrats guy. Yeah, it's the best.

Is he a bouncer? He plays the cork and bottle. We had barn cats that pissed everywhere. It was gross. We had one goat named Perry who would, yeah, just rip our house apart. Back to the guy who had sex with the cat. Dude, I know. He was a neighbor kid. Are you an only child? Huh? No.

I have a sister. A wild sister. Really? Wild? Like how wild wild like a whore yeah super hot my words barn cats barn cat we had horses for a minute and we had to sell them to pay rent and somebody fucked this barn cat somebody fucked a cat across the street no you're lying that That didn't happen. How do you know that happened? Because my sister came home traumatized.

Call your sister right now and ask. No, she has a child. So? It's three hours later. Oh, good. I would. She would talk about it. Wake her ass up.

She was drunk the other night and we gave her a little bit of a weed pen and she was loopy as hell and she kept talking about this guy. But I remember being a kid and her being all fucked up about it. I'm telling you, we'll have her on the pod. That cat after had sex with a guy is like, Mondays, am I right? I hate, I love lasagna and hate getting piped down. Was the guy's name John? Did a dog named Odie watch? Now wait, you're lying.

No, I swear to God. It's pretty crazy. That is. Did you know the guy? No, she knew the guy. They were older than me. I had a neighbor dog who was a male dog. They're two male dogs.

Trans dogs. No, no, no. Two male dogs next door And one of the male dogs would rape the other one all the time What? They would push it up against the fence and look at me And what would you do? And I'd be like

And that was when my eyes turned black It ain't ever been the same since. That's crazy. What did you do? So you would get home from school and your activity was watch a dog get raped? I would go grab my camcorder. I thought it was hilarious.

This is insane. This is insane, dude. This is insane. It's insane how hard I'm getting. And then I would like, I told my mom about it. She goes, don't tell people about that. Don't film that. What'd you do with the footage? It's still somewhere. You're like, oh, failed videos.

I didn't do anything. No, I was in that Jackass era where I was like, dude, this is gnarly. Dude, I remember that era. Yeah, I remember filming fucked up shit and being like, is this good? No, we shouldn't do that to each other. You're watching domestic abuse. You're like,

oh shit, this is great. Dude, she just handled that stunt crazily. That's a crazy stunt put on CKY. Dude, we had this bucket buried in the yard that we'd throw

all the dog shit in and me and my friends just took shovels full of dog shit and threw them in a house and filmed it and we were like, this could be on Jackass. We're going to send it in.

They were like, my parents were like, you're going to go to jail immediately if you show anybody this. So this kid, Josh, his number, I think, was like 475-7577. And there was another guy whose phone number was 475-7757. Yeah, they were close. Yes. whose phone number was 475-7757.

Yeah, they were close. Yes. And so he, this guy, you would mix up his number sometimes. You go, hi, is Josh there? And it happened so often. You would go, we'd call on purpose. He goes, there's no fucking Josh in this household. So we found out where he lived and we egged his house and we called him and we go, hi, sir.

We were just asking, how do you like your eggs? Over easy or on your house, you old fuck. Just because he said Josh doesn't live here. Just because he would flip out on command. You would go, oh, is Josh there? And you go, there's no Josh in this household. Every single time. I'll call him right now. How'd you guys start? How'd

you guys start calling that dude? Because someone got his number by accident and he just immediately flipped. And then that was like the game we would play. It was intentionally call this guy and ask for Josh and he would like lose it. So was there any resolve to like after you you egged his house? Like did you like

like just got him to yell again? It was funny for us. I used to prank phone call every night. I would go to my dad's. I'm praying phone call all night. Rational man. I'm not condoning it now, but when you were 15, it was great.

It's like fucking a cat. It was a good idea. The substitute teachers, if they were old, you would just ruin them. Oh yeah. Yeah. I had a,

I had a teacher that was, uh, he was our algebra teacher in high school. His name was Greg Gehrig. So we called him G squared. Yeah. And I found a hot topic a belt buckle that had a picture frame.

It was a belt buckle that was a picture frame. I printed off like a photo of him turning on the from the board. And I put I love Greg Gehrig and put hearts around it. He goes, people might get the wrong idea. Could you remove that

photo from your belt buckle? And I was like, I kind of like it. It's my belt. It's worse that he said that. It's worse that he said wrong idea It's worse that he said wrong idea. We had a history teacher named Mr. Stroll and we would write Stroll 420 on all the tests. And that would be like the tag.

And that story is not as good as what you told me. Not even close. All right, I get it. Not even close. He bought a belt. That is so good. It was better. Did you go up to the teacher and show him?

No, I just wore it around school and then by the time he was like six or seven period and I was like kind of like I was like, hey, I did say like, hey, you like my belt? Yeah. And that's when he's like like he turned white when he saw it and he's like because he's part pedophile. Any normal adult

would be like, dude, that's crazy. You can't wear that here. I was a weird kid in high school, though. I also had a belt buckle that I went through a belt buckle thing. Me too. I had a belt buckle that was a flask and I would pour chocolate milk in it and drink out of the flask in class. And people would be like, what are you? Why are you drinking a flask in class?

I'm like, it's chocolate milk. It's crazy. I taped one of those pill bugs inside my belly button. Ew, what? It's a pill bug. That's horrible. It's a roly poly. It's like a gray thing. This is a new phobia.

You never seen a roly poly? They roll up like a ball. Like an armadillo, but a bug. Oh, ew. That's really gross I put it in my belly button. That's really gross. And it was my pet. It was my pet that I walked around and I was like, are you letting it live in your belly button? Were you an only child? No. I was a middle child.

What if it burrowed its way to your belly? No, that's the thing. I had to get rid of it because it started to burrow. What do you mean it started to burrow? What do you mean? I'd be like, hey, you want to see my pet? I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this.

It's going to be on my stomach. I feel like I'm going to die. What do you mean? Just say it. You can just go to Claire's if you want to do a belly button. It's not like a cave. It has a hole that goes into your body. We were so poor, we couldn't go to Claire's.

We had to get bugs and burrow in a belly button. I would show people. I'd be like, hey, you want to see my pet? Oh my God. And then I'd pull it and then there'd be a bug and they'd be like,

oh, what do you have a bug in your belly button? I was like, it's my pet really, Pauly. So I put it back up and I put like little air holes in it so I could breathe. But it,

oh, but then, in the tape, in the tape. And then, but then I started to feel it burrow. What do you mean? What do you mean?

It started to try to go through my belly button because it was sealed there was no way out it was just a day did you look in there and its legs were pushing in no it was i mean i could feel it i was like oh my god that's really that's so fucked up that's my phobia that's my phobia oh my yeah and could you imagine jamar that's's literally a scene in the Matrix. Could you imagine if the bug was trans? Oh, I really hate that so much. Oh my God.

Dude, what? It's a weird one. I used to do weird stuff like that. What else did you do that was weird? I mean, I don't know. I named a couple, a few of the weird things that I did. I mean, I said, I don't know. Yeah. One time I accidentally pranked someone called my family therapist. So I was like calling, I was calling every single person. And I, at one point and she was, and I was like, Hey, you know, are you a stupid, stupid bitch says what? Or something? And she

goes, is this Jordan? And I was like, what? And she's like, this is Susan, your family. And I was like, and then in the family session, they were like, we need to talk about Jordanordan and they like found out that i had been and i had been like ruining people's lives with these old couple i kept calling being like please can you turn the music down and they would get into these fights they'd be like shut the music down there isn't music playing and i'd be like there is music you might not be able to hear and i had these long and they would freak out and i got yep i got in trouble i used to i used to call and pretend I was an old lady looking for my sister, Abigail, who had my medication. I'd be like, hello, is Abigail there? She has my medication.

And I try to have these people coordinate, like meeting up with me to find my sister to give me medication. Dude, the pill bug thing. I really can't get over it. It was, I mean, yeah, it scared me because it hurt right away. As soon as it started to burrow, I was like, oh, I gotta get this out of my body. But how long did you keep it there? Do you think it would have really went through?

Yeah. No, because pill bugs aren't that strong. They get through mud and dirt. That's what they do. They burrow. Oh, yeah. And listen, what if it just over time, you know what I mean? Just chiseled away with it like a guy in prison, you know, just Yeah, that's what rats do.

What? They used to do that for torture. They put them in a case and stuff like that. I need to lay down. Medieval times? They used to torture people all the time. At the restaurant. No. That's not the experience I had there. Thought it was just jousting.

Yeah. Yeah. Wait. In medieval times, they would lay you in a case and put rats. Yeah. And over a bucket

over your stomach and then they would try to they would try to eat through your skin. Yes. Really? They'd strap something right here and put the

strap something to your chest or and then have the rat eat through your body. We really have. It's so good. If you read the first four pages of Foucault's Discipline and Punishment that you don't have to read the rest of the book. It's just torture mechanisms like quartering people, tying like your legs. Oh, and having

horses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. I like that. The rat burrowing. They did something with the eyes. The eyes freaked me out. Eyes. Oh, I saw a German torture device. It was like one of those old water diving outfits. Scuba diving? Scuba diving outfits.

I think a bug just burrowed into my brain. Yeah, you know those old water diving outfits? No, the scuba diving outfits with the helmets? Well, you would wear that and there were these screws that they had in the eyes and then you would turn it and it would slowly drive a spike in your eyeballs.

You like the Saw movies? Yeah, alright. Okay. Why? Well, we're talking a lot of torture stuff right now. You're the one that brought up bugs burn into your body. I didn't consider it torture until I saw your guys' reaction. Then I was like, oh, I guess I haven't told many people about this story.

Yeah. We've all really been shocked at some tales being told tonight. Your bugs burn into you. That's crazy, bro. Jamar has a midget doppelganger. And then Jordan is living with people that are fucking pets. I'm the only normal one here.

Remember that guy Leif in New York? His buddy had a friend who had a cockroach crawl into his nose and lived in there for a couple weeks. Alive. They took it out and it was alive. Really? For a couple weeks? Yeah, for a couple weeks. It finds wetness. They live off of wetness, so it could just survive.

In your brain? Yeah. I mean. Could it survive in your girl's pussy? Yeah. Your nose pussy? Your nose pussy? In that nose pussy?

Huh. It's like, you got to blow that nose. Every time I pick a booger, I'm just fingering my nose pussy. Oh, my nose pussy running right now. Dude, next time I'm with my chick I'm gonna be like your nose pussy's so runny right now When you say my chick I wanna fucking throw myself on the bed Does your lower mouth have a cold?

I like saying my chick I don't like saying girlfriend Isn't girlfriend so dumb? My chick? Saying girlfriend Say my girl I like my girl, my gal, my chick You and Sagalow both do it. Isn't girlfriend so dumb? My chick? Saying girlfriend. It feels pressure-y. Say my girl. I like my girl, my gal, my chick.

My gal is good. My mama. My ride or die. My ride or die. Wifey. Rather than girlfriend. I like my midget bitch. My midget bitch.

My midget bitch. She's taller than me, but midget bitch is good. Yeah. You're her midget bitch. The midget bitch could be, it could be a dude. It could be a bitch, but he a midget. It's like, fuck that little midget bitch. Or just

a bitch. It's really short. Stubby. Like, fuck that little midget bitch. Did you do anything weird in high school that you got discipline for in middle school or anything like that? No. Yeah, right. Nothing?

Yeah, for sure oh yeah just do it you know who was my biology teacher was Bill Nye what? that was my biology teacher

Lawrence was my mom so we didn't know she was old as fuck old as fuck and we used to uh we used to like really like fuck with her so one time i told my friend jonathan that i was gonna bring him this porno or whatever it was called blow me naomi and i said i said man i got a partner named blow them blame blow me naomi but i gotta get it for my cousin and then he was like all right he was like give it to me in biology class i was like all right on god in heaven so i took it i took it whatever i got the tape whatever this is not right so miss lauren i mean miss laurence fishburne

so miss fishburne was like in the class this is like one of the teachers like like you could i mean much respect laurence fishburne whatever the fuck but we you could run over this lady like really crazy so oh oh oh i thought you meant like with a car no so she went out so she went out to go call somebody mom or whatever right so but it was like one of them um it was like one of them uh like you pushed a big ass tv up oh yeah yeah when she stepped out i was like oh Oh, no. I was like. Oh. So I went about that. I was like, hurry it up. And so she came back in.

She pressed play. And it was floating. Yes. Good job. She didn't know that it was because she was older. So she didn't know that that shit was going on for at least about a minute and a half. Oh, my God. Wow.

It's the goldest thing I've ever done in my goddamn life. That's great. That's the best prank. Quick on your feet. Who did this? Who did this? Or whatever. And everybody's just dying or whatever. I still didn't get class clown. That's the best. Really? Nope. Damn. I still didn't get that shit. Was that like your senior prank? I was in

I was in 10th grade Yeah Who got it? Who's your class clown? Some bitch ass nigga named Dwayne Cotton He was just cool Oh yeah

That was the worst Yeah I didn't get it In my high school either No? How did I? That's probably why we go so hard Oh really? We didn't have those We didn't have like the barn we had we had like i didn't even

have yearbooks no we had like we had like the hippie nobody gets labeled as anything here you get to be whatever what kind of schools it was like a democratic hippie alternative pot smoke we sold weed to our teachers yeah we didn we didn't learn nothing. College was so hard. We literally would like write haikus about like log moss. That was actually a true assignment. Really? What? Wait, you wrote a haiku about log moss in a

math class? Yep, yep, yep. Blow me Naomi. I love that. Even just hearing it was just, ah, who did this? It was a movie festival right and my class wasn't doing a senior prank so I was like well I'll do one so there's a movie festival and all the posters

were like will your movie be a drama and it was pictures of like Bridges to Madison County fry green tomatoes will your movie be a comedy it was like pictures of like Dumb and Dumber or Happy Gilmore so I made one that was like will your movie be a porno and was like pictures of like Dumb and Dumber, Happy Gilmore. So I made one that was like, will your movie be a porno? And I put a picture of R. Kelly and like these girls getting bukkake-ed.

Like hardcore vaginal sex, just like big black cocks. And I put it up everywhere. I put one in the teacher's lounge. I put one in the writing center all over the place. This freshman saw me putting it up. And it was like that scene in the town when the little kid sees like them go by over the place. This freshman saw me putting it up and it was like that scene in the town when the little kid sees like them go by with the guns. And I just went.

Nice. And the kid never said anything. I put them fucking everywhere. And at the end of the day, like I did it right, like 50 minutes before the bell rang in the last period. And when the bell rang, dude, we saw our principal running down the hallway going get back in your

class get back in your class just ripping them off the walls and then I started a rumor that the kid that did it was a kid that got caught looking at pornography in the library like a year before and I got away with it somebody hacked into the computers and wrote that the autistic kid loved

cock and the cock butter right somebody did that for me! In fifth grade, my friend wrote Ian Vyhans loves men on all the computer screensavers. I think that was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing

where you look in the mirror and you're writing. Yeah. All fun and no play makes Jack go dull boy or whatever yeah fun and no play makes ian suck a boy's cock question about you putting all that stuff up just on a prank logistic level where did you print all these like at my house with a colored printer. Okay. At my house, double-sided tape, book bag, pull, put, pull, put, pull, put, pull, put. Got away with it. And then I was found out because senior prom, everybody stayed at my house. And the next morning, me and some friends went to Taco Bell.

And while we were gone, my printer kept making noise. And that day when it happened, everyone was like, who do you, it was like huge. Everyone's like, who do you think did it? Oh my God. Whoever did it had the biggest balls. And I almost went, but then immediately some guy goes or the biggest moron. Cause they won't graduate if they get caught. And I was like, yeah, it's crazy. I don't know who would do that. And then they found out day after prom. Cause they saw a stack of them in my printer. Who's they? My friends.

And they told on you? No, they didn't ram me out. Oh, OK. Still graduated. But there was like an announcement. If anyone has any information, blah, blah, blah. Letter went out. It was like, you will not be graduating this and that. And I was like, oh, boy, just going to have to fan.

Better blame it on the autistic pervert. Yeah. Blaming the autistic pervert. This pervert. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The autistic kids would always play with their dvert. Yeah. Blaming the autistic pervert. This pervert. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The autistic kids would always play with their dicks. Always. That's the real

question here. Which came along first? Which diagnosis was first? The Venn diagram. Yes. I remember in elementary i had um okay so i went to a i went to why are you so spoken i'm just tired oh okay um i went to you're doing great yeah i felt that oh shit i went to a non-public school i got kicked out of a regular school so i went to a non-public

school it's not a private school it's a non-public what's a non-public school. I got kicked out of a regular school, so I went to a non-public school. It's not a private school. It's a non-public school. What's a non-public school? It's out of the public. What? Like a charter? No. Kind of, but it's like a boarding school. It was the bad kids school? Yeah, we had one of those. But on the side of the school, it said non-public.

That's what they call it. And so we were like, is this a private school? And they made sure it was a non-public on it. That's what they call it. And so he was like, is this a private school? And they made sure it was like, it's a non-public school. All right, all right. Did they have a bad name for ours? Was it like crackhead something? What? That was the name of your school. No, no, no. Like the bad school had a name. Oh, no.

No, not really. Okay. But the name was. It did, but you went there so nobody talked about it. The name was retarded anyway, but like. Wait, they called it retarded? They were retarded people in there. Oh, you're calling it that. I thought it was like a long time ago where it was like the McMillan School of the Retarded or something.

Oh, yeah. Like Professor X School of the Retarded. Yeah, now look at me no this is yeah so anyway so I got kicked out of I get kicked out of a public school whatever for because I kicked my teacher yeah I

kicked her in the shin because I didn't know math I wasn't good at math and I felt like she was trying to like kind of like expose me kind of trying to like kind of like expose me kind of sort of like kind of like really like nitpick, you know, like sometimes teach a nitpick at you and shit like that. And I was already like a disrupting the shit. So I

was sitting in front of her and shit like this. And I was like, I'm in second grade, by the way. They took me out of the public when I was when I was eight. I was like seven and eight. So I was swinging my legs and shit like that. Right. And then I like kicked her in the shin and then she was like, oh my God. I was like seven to eight. In public? These niggas. So I was swinging my legs and shit like that, right? And then I like kicked her in the shin and then she was like,

oh my God. I like fucked her shin up, right? So she had to go. She left the classroom, bro. And she had to go get the fucking principal. So when she left, she had her purse

on the fucking, on the desk, right? And I was like, and I went inside of her motherfucking purse and I took $20. And you put in Blamey Naomi in her purse? I took $20 out of her motherfucking purse and you put in Blamey Naomi in her purse?

I took $20 out of her motherfucking purse, bro. And then my auntie had to come and get me and all this shit or whatever. And she had a sandwich up there and I took a pencil and I was like poking holes. Nigga, I was crazy. I would do shit like that. I remember rifling through the bags of the teachers

when you find them. Oh my God. And that's why I got kicked out of public school though. I used to be a teacher. You guys were nightmares. Were you ever a teacher? I substitute taught. I was a teacher that you did those things to. Did people do that shit to you?

No, no, no. It was gnarly the shit kids would do. But I rolled with it instead of being like, don't, don't, would do. But I rolled with it instead of being like, don't, don't, don't. I used to substitute teach and I tried

to be... I was actually really stern, bro. I was like, I ain't coming to fuck around. Me. You take off a rainbow mohawk and you put on a regular color mohawk. That's the black one. I ain't coming here to fuck around

with you nobodies. Man, them niggas are so bad because it was public school. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, they had like no discipline and shit. But I was 20. I was like 23 and shit. I was getting a taste of my own medicine, man. That shit was like bad. But they weren't as bad as me. That's why I was just like... I've talked to subs

now who are like my friends, like parents or something and they're like, you don't remember me? And I was like, no. And they're like, you like ruined my life. Like I was a sub at your school and they're like, I've talked to subs now who are like my friends, like parents or something. And they're like, you don't remember me. And I was like, no. And they're like, you like ruined my life. Like I was a sub at your school. And they're like,

you like traumatized me. You said, I just fucked with them all the time. I would just, I would harass them. I would lie to them and say that I was in the classes. People would get a message to me. They'd be like,

tell Jordan, there's a sub, tell Jordan, there's a sub. And it would get down to me. And then I would come into whatever class it was. And I would just disrupt constant. I would hide and jump out and scare them. I into whatever class it was and I would just disrupt constant. I would hide and jump out and scare them.

I would say that there was I would freak out and be like, there's a squirrel in this room. And I'd be like, you see it. And I'd get people to be like, yeah, it's right there. And it would have a whole. This was truly I lived in the principal's office from like third grade up to like I remember sitting in the principal's office senior year and being like, this is got to stop. This is got to stop. It's crazy. I love it year and being like, I, this has got to stop. This has got to stop. It's crazy. I love it.

You're like, I kicked a teacher. I made one schizophrenic. And Jeremiah is like, I put bugs in my belly. Hey man, the best is if you could get a teacher to chase you. Do you remember that feeling where you,

what? Yeah. They'd have to get you in your class. You'd be like, you have to catch me first. And there'd be a minute where they were trying to end you. The best. We've met so many teachers like quit though. I've met so many teachers like quit. Dude, kids are truly evil.

Evil. We started on purpose. Like, my big brother is really good at that though. They got in at our five year reunion. We were the last year that they allowed open bar every year because we all got so hammered. Five year reunion. High school reunion. Yeah, yeah.

I was selling Adderall. Fucking we were doing. We were like smoking blunts in the bathroom. One guy got so drunk he refused to leave the women's room because he's like, it's it's I know what bathroom it is. You're in the wrong bathroom. He's like so drunk he refused to leave the women's room because he's like, it's itch, so I know what bathroom it is. You're in the wrong bathroom. He's like, you're wrong. It was, dude, the Phillies

game. The Phillies were in the playoffs. We made them pull in a fucking blow me Naomi TV into like the auditorium we were in so we could watch. We were bad back then. That's such a weird detail detail the guy not leaving the bathroom he's gonna be like a senator now he's like a legit like good guy when there's some real crazy

true shit yeah i'm all right break it down yeah let me break it down real quick hello right i'm from los angeles anyway so uh so ike turner came to speak to the kids. About what? Oh, God in heaven. He spoke to the kids. Here's what not to do, kids. At my high school. This is what I heard, but he was there. I wasn't even there. One of the homegirls was up there.

He was trying to give motivational speeches and shit. She said, why'd you beat Tina? He said, no, no, no. I answered. He was like i answered he was like tell you true i hit that bitch for one time what for the god are you serious on jesus christ yes i can text my best i like that i like that he said that yeah it's honest and you know it is like okay if it's one time i didn't hit that bitch for one time i didn't hit that bitch for one time stay I ain't hit that bitch for one time. Stay in school. That's amazing. Are you texting

to verify this? Yeah, because I don't. If he's doing this, you have to call your sister about the cat fight. I can't. She'll kill me.

It's the middle of the night. Did you used to play the penis game at school? Yes. What's that? Oh, cry? Oh, you call it cry? That way you.

Oh, no. Ball tapping? You don't remember cry? What the fuck is cry What's the penis game Penis game is when So if Ina and I were playing One person starts off by going

Very softly And then I have to say it a little louder Penis And then I go penis And then I go, penis. And then I go, penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.

Penis. I did it once in class where like in Greg Gehrig's algebra class, like where I was playing the penis game. G squared. Penis. And I go, Peter! And he goes, Jeremiah, that's enough! I've had enough with you! And I got detention right away for that one.

Yeah, yeah. Nothing was funnier than Cox. Yeah, dude. In physics class, Mr. Gusikov, a Russian, like, cosmonaut, was our teacher. And we were doing, like,

some physics thing. And he was like, we need to draw a rocket. And I was like we need to draw a rocket and I was like I'll draw a rocket and I just drew a big old dick and he goes Ian it's not a rocket please I was like oh it's a big rocket alright and look it's shooting to the moon and I drew like cum cum again and he was like Ian

you need to leave the room and it just crushes I was tearing up and then the poor man kickedes do you remember just rushing around everyone loved it and then the poor man kicked out and you're just like fucking crouched poor Russian grew up eating like boiled boots or something

his fucking poor family and now he's gonna look at me drawing a penis on a board Ian stop licking dry race off board yeah yeah yeah Ian stop walking backwards naked towards the board please race off board. Yeah. Ian, stop walking backwards naked towards the board. Please.

All right, let's wrap it up. We're all tired. This has been so fun. Thank you guys so much for doing this. Jamar Neighbors, Jeremiah Watkins, tell everyone where they can find you. I didn't mean that stuff about trans people. I don't know. I actually love the trans community.

I would kill for him to say I didn't mean that stuff about the pill bug. I'm going to fucking have nightmares all night. Oh, no. That's fact. I'll be in L.A. somewhere at the comedy store. Nice. Okay. All the time.

You can follow me on social media if you want some fun stuff. At Jeremiah Stand Up. And then I've got a lot of follow me on social media. If you want some fun stuff, at Jeremiah stand up. And then I've got a lot of fun stuff on my YouTube. I got a great series called stand up on the spot. Yes. The best. Ian has done it. It's phenomenal.

Then I got a podcast, Jeremiah wonders and scissor bros. Check them out. Yes. I animal six, nine, Twitter, Twitch,

Instagram, November 17th to 19th Philly punchline get tickets see you there gonna be fun December 2nd and 3rd Comedy Works Saratoga and December 7th headline in Pittsburgh improv added more dates IanFrydance.com

Patreon.com slash B&E and pod we appreciate the support thank you for liking thank you for subscribing thank you for sharing thanks for saying hi Jordan take it away is this coming out in november i don't know okay november i think the first weekend i'm in des moines uh at uh the funny bone and then i'm at uh the riot comedy something in houston the next weekend and then i'm at great club or maybe that's and then cap city austin just go to my website j Jordan Jensen comedy dot com. Follow me at Jordan Jensen. LOL. Stop on the shit

and we're on the road, so we don't have the shofar, but this is the replacement. Oh, God. Oh, oh, thanks, guys. That little midget. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you say anymore.