Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 037 : Butter Queens W/ Geoffrey Asmus

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Welcome to another episode of B&E with Jordan.

I am so excited to be here. La-di-da-di-da. And we've got a queer Jeff. Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. Finally. Jeff Asmus. Hello.

Amazing comic. Wonderful human. Oh,mus, amazing comic, wonderful human. Oh, thank you. Thank you for coming. Jordan, did you know that if you want to have a good time, you can go to patreon.com slash be an Ian pod? I hate the cardboard cutout. Okay. All right.

Well, let's get into it. Now, you guys may have noticed that we used a design and a flyer for our live show, which is the iconic 90s Buzz and Taz crisscross crossover. Right. Jeff knows it. Great group. I recognized her. Now, Jordan, you hate it, right? Do you want me to hold it up for the viewers? Jordan hates it.

So what I did was I went and got a cardboard cutout and spent my own money on it just to spite her. This was me when I smelled like cat piss and wood stove and I had this gut people on my shirt. That's a part of who you are. I'm ashamed of her. Don't run from it. You talk about fucking your stepbrother. That's a part of who you are.

This is a part of who you are. I was a grown up then. This shit's cool again now. Yes. Jordan doesn't understand Put it down Nostalgia's back I'm not ready for that one yet You know what it's like? Can I tell you what it's like?

It's like a Cheshire Cat shirt A Cheshire Cat shirt? Like from Alice in Wonderland Why? How so? Like remember those mall gots had like the Cheshire cat with the big smile. What's wrong with nostalgia? Get over it. It's not nostalgia. It's like triggering

of a bad time. Yeah, because you haven't gotten over your past. So this is a sign. You should draw cutting scars on that girl. Draw some sharpie lines on her arms. This is a sign that you need to work on your past. That's a sign that I need to break that shit and put it in the past. That's a sign that I need to break that shit and put it in the past.

It's a sign, all right? Going out of business, Ghostbusters. Quote. We love a nostalgia quote. It's great. Yeah. I think that my hat would go better with your outfit and your hat would go better with mine,

but I like this hat a lot. You took my hat. I know, but now I'm realizing. You took this, so I got that for me, and then you took that. Are you even a baseball fan, Jordan? No. I just love, I love this hat. See, that's, and then you took that. Are you even a baseball fan, Jordan? No. I just love this hat.

See, that's stolen valor, in my opinion. Are you serious? I think if you're not a force fan, you don't wear those hats. I got it off his head just now. I think you shouldn't wear them. I think people, those mean a lot to people. Is it a baseball cap? Yeah, it is.

I mean, is it a baseball team? Is that a baseball cap? Are you serious? You didn't even know? I didn't even look. You didn't even look. You fucking wrong. I just saw it was red.

It's that. It didn't even look. You fucking wrong. I just thought it was red. It's that. It's the Phillies. Men love that more than their wives and you don't even know what's going on? Yo, you want to know what's crazy? My friend just married this guy and one time he like choked out our other friend and I was like, well, people do bad things.

But he sobbed after the Eagles lost. The Seagulls sobbed and I'm like, you can't marry this man. You have to get a divorce. Yeah, that's what men in the middle of America do. That's how they express emotion. Sobbing with joy is okay. In Wisconsin, when the Packers lose,

domestic violence goes up 25%. In the 24 hours following the Packers losing. Yeah, it's insane. Your gender is just as retarded as mine. Yeah, of course. We're all dumb And guess what

When I hit my woman I go It's 5 o'clock somewhere A team lost somewhere Yeah right Yikes That sucks That's worse What's women's version of sports

You know fucking reality TV Yeah, it's like my girlfriend with Vanderpump rules now Yes Her life's falling apart because this guy cheated on this other girl And they're all like, well, it's funny because they're all dumb And I'm like, yeah, but it makes you dumb by osmosis Because you're caring about these people I don't respect her as much anymore

I can't It's crazy Wouldn't it be funny? Is it ironic? It's a little ironic. It's a little ironic, but a lot of 90s nostalgia. Come on.

Wouldn't it be funny if... Did you buy a jewel? How'd you know? Yeah, I found it in my desk. Hey, wouldn't it be funny? Here's a bit. Put your legs in a more normal way. When the Vanderplump people

cheat on each other, your girlfriend spits in your face. Yeah. She thinks that I'm like Devin or whatever. His name is you fucking bitch. Yeah. You're just like Devin. We hit them when football games lose.

Yeah. They hit us when shit goes wrong on your Vanderplump. You know how women are dumb? Women are dumb in the sense that like they are. No, no, no, no. Baby shopping. Like if I ignore a dude's phone calls they're like aroused if you ignore a woman's phone calls

they're like you are bad towards me so that's the same like if I beat if you beat your wife because a sports team lost are you relating beating a wife to ignoring a phone call no no no that's how crazy they are I'm relating beating a wife to

threatening to break up because you ignored my phone call. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm interested in why you put those on the same level. Because you're taking a gay thing personally that you shouldn't. Like it's a thing that doesn't have anything to do with you.

It has nothing to do. Getting hit is gay. Well, nobody consider me liberace. You're saying football's gay. I'm going to say this, the domestic abuse abuse are we saying full-on hitting or are we saying like punching the wall near their head because one of those

is an abuse the other one is just expression i think bull i'm sure it's probably both artistic expression a lot of holes in walls in wisconsin definitely yeah why don't you go home the wall is white man oh i have a question okay let's go back to my joke. I'm never allowed to talk. I have a question. I was in Bloomington. Indiana, great place. Dog shit place. No. You East Coast fucks, you don't appreciate it. I like it. Ian likes

middle America. Jordan doesn't like it. Can you turn Ian's mic off for a second? After? After? I will allow you to turn my mic off. Am I allowed to talk? Yes, you're always allowed to talk. I will allow you to turn my mic off. Am I allowed to talk? Yes, you're always allowed to talk.

I'm never allowed to talk. You can tell him I'm not allowed to talk ever. You talked over my joke. It is women's month. And my joke was. It's women's month. We hate to say it. I'm counting down to a nine.

It's almost over. It's almost over. Thank God. But what's your hate on Bloomington, Indiana? I go to Bloomington, Indiana. I say, is this, I was like, we are awfully close to Kentucky. I would say two hours. Pretty close. Yeah, it's

pretty close. And I go, is this the South? And they all go like this. This ain't the South. This ain't the goddamn South. We are Midwesterners. And they were trash. Yeah. But they were woke because they don't want to be the South. They're not cool. No, they're cool. Bloomington's as cool as hell. You like the comedy

attic? Yeah, great time. Shout out, Jared yelled at my feature. Well, I'm not going to go into that. Here we go again. Every club she plays, she goes, this place sucks. They don't pay good and this and that and this. I yelled at my feature.

I'm looking at a picture of Tig Notaro while I'm on stage. It's all women everywhere. And then the other thing is, here's what I don't like. They are Southerners, so I'm like, okay, then we'll go woke. But they're not smart enough to go woke because they're not coastal. Five years ago, the Midwest just got trans people.

They just got that. So now they're like, they cling to the old woke shit. So retard is still like, oh, oh, oh. They're behind. They just got mini cupcakes and rolled ice cream. They just figured out Aunt Jemima was bad. Yeah, exactly. That's the type of shit Midwest liberals care about.

They still own AR-15s though. They're like, they love trans people but have guns. But they use them to put against their kid's head to make them trans. Yeah. You're gonna change your gender. Yeah, exactly. It was're going to change your gender. Exactly. It was real hard to give up gender reveals for them. I bet they

love those. Oh, those are like the best time in the Midwest. They love that shit. Tubing down a river and gender reveal. But now they can just have a little ribbon that says who cares? Tubing down a river is a fun time. That's a good, that's a trend. No, I am so out on Bloomington. It reminds me of Ithaca. It reminds me of Asheville. It reminds me of places. Oh, yeah. It's a liberal town in a red state. That's what you don that's a trash. No, I am so out on Bloomington. It reminds me of Ithaca. It reminds me of Asheville. It reminds me of places.

Oh, yeah. It's a liberal town in a red state. That's what you don't like. Those are my favorite towns in the world. Except who you are. No, those people are cool. They're great. Here's, are you noticing a pattern?

Anything that reminds you of your past you hate. You should see me in Ithaca. That has come up twice viscerally in five minutes. Yeah. Interesting. Are you in therapy? Alan Alan okay he's the best

it's because it's the first time someone's ever listened to you no you would love him he said you know I was talking about my family how we were talking about how I can never say no and he was like you don't have boundaries for yourself you're never allowed to say no. I said that to you. I know, I know.

You're paying someone to just parrot what I've been telling you. But I'm saying that this is why he's good. I'm good. But he was saying, but you know how you were like, well, whatever, he's good too. And I can't, the problem is the sessions are a bit too short. He was like. What, 45 minutes? Hour?

I bet you could go on for six hours straight. I bet you would not even let him get in a word for six straight hours. Poor Alan. Does he leave the room and you just keep talking? He needs hazard pay. In college, my professor, I would talk to him about these big lofty philosophical

ideas that I was going to write a paper on and he would fall asleep while I was talking to him. Yeah, I believe that. It was crazy. I believe that. Where did you go to college? Alfred University. Tell us more about how Alan just says what I tell you. That's the easy thing to say boundaries.

But he was being very firm about it. And he was like, just say no. You're allowed to just say no to people. And I was like, I can't do that. I told you that. I don't know what you want from me. You say I have a bad therapist and then I say he says what you say and you say he's a bad therapist. What do you want

me to say? Are you following what he says? Yes. But why do you follow what he says? I do. And for me, I'm just a slack job. Remember when we were here the other day and I said I'm setting a boundary. I have to leave for therapy right now. And I don't have a hundred and eight thousand dollars of college debt like everyone does. That's why he listens to Alan.

Because I don't give therapy to Dan Soder. My word isn't fucking good. You are a very good therapist. Thank you. Very good. Of all of my friends, you give me the best advice. That is true. That's a great compliment. Whenever I get wrapped up with the ex-boyfriend stuff,

you will not just take, you won't be like, fuck that. You'll be like, this is what's happening now. You've said you're being crazy versus he's being crazy, which like fuck that you'll be like this is what's happening now you've said you're being crazy versus he's being crazy which is very helpful because women go like this he's a sociopath and you're a wizard I've also learned to go

Ethan is the best Ian's better I also have learned he knows about me he pulled out some fucking I also have learned to go do you He pulled out some fucking I also have learned To go Do you want to vent Or would you like me to

Yes Do you want me to listen Or do you want my advice Do you want to go on a tirade Or can I go on a tirade Yeah Yeah Okay

It's just hard to take your advice Because you're all so fucked up Which people say to me too But because Everyone's fucked up I was fucked up And I still am I know the experience

And wisdom from getting through it You know what's nice though Is I have a lot of shit With my mom because my dad's dead. So I'm always worried that my mom, like I have to be there for her. Yeah. Oh God. And Alan is older.

So it's kind of nice being like, Hey, what is an appropriate relationship? Is he your dad? Is he filling in for your dad a little bit? No, he would have to be a way more aggressive. Oh,

okay. Yeah. No, he's way more of a maternal figure. He ends like maybe, maybe that's what's happening. Um, Louie has the dad quality. Oh, OK. No, he's way more of a maternal figure. He ends like maybe, maybe that's what's happening. Louis has the dad quality. Oh, OK.

Yes. Yes. Interesting. Yeah. I love you, dad. That's his movie. Yeah. OK.

Yeah. That makes complete sense. OK. It's all falling together here. Jeff's the best. Whoever I'm dating actually ends up being the father figure. That's no good. That's dope. All those poor men.

Yeah, not great. Not great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Light a cigarette. Asmus. I can't. I'd throw up. You recorded a special where? In Minneapolis. I love when you turned it. You did it at Acme?

No. In Bloomington. In Bloomington, India. No. Acme won't book me. No, at Sisyphus. Really? Yeah, they will. Yeah, I wonder why. Because every fucking club you play. You're trashing every club. I don't think. The manager sucks to people or shit. I do that occasionally. And I don't get paid. And you are underlying

the, you're underlining something that can go overlooked. You wait six months till you trash the club. You don't trash them immediately after the weekend. I'm not trashing the club. He yelled at my feature. It was a fun club, but I am upset that he yelled at my feature. He slammed the door on him. I've heard things like that happen. You don't have to underline

things that I say that could go under the radar. I actually got banned. You don't have to do that. You'll like this. I got banned from that club for a few years for a very funny thing. What happened? I did the festival in Bloomington called Limestone Comedy Festival. I probably shouldn't tell the story, but I'm going to. Tell it.

They did Tante Carr. They do that Stand By Your Band show. They did a live Stand By Your Band where you pick an artist. You got to defend them against someone else. And I think I was Sheryl Crow and I was against Kelly Clarkson. And my whole act was talking about how fat Kelly Clarkson was. Every single joke. He loves women.

And he was like, this is not appropriate for Bloomington, Indiana. I can't trust you to be on stage at my club. I didn't bomb. I did okay. I didn't kill, but I did fine. But he's like, I cannot have you on stage. And now he's softened now. But for years he was like, I can't have you perform.

That's great. Because I just kept saying how fat she was. That's so funny. I love that. And she was fat. That's so funny. The bitch got fat. And I still love her. Yeah, she's great. I love her, but she's a bit of a boy. She got chunky. She's a butter queen. Whatever. What's a butter queen?

That's what I call fat Midwest women. Butter queens. Ladies of the curd. Yes. We call them wrong longs. Wrong longs. They're long in the wrong way. Jake calls them, what was it? Corporal offering.

Corporal offering. Wow, that one's never going to catch on, but I like it. We named our last episode Corporal Offering. That was a tough one to get through. It's good though. It's funny. It's beautiful. I don't see that one to get through. It's good. It's funny. It's funny.

Beautiful. I don't see that one going nationwide though. Just the idea. Long though is great. Thank you so much. That came out organically. Yeah. That was a fun one.

And then, yeah, we hit it hard with Chinese accents for a while there. Yes. They're funny. They're funny. And they go a little something like that. I heard,

I heard John Marco last night screaming on stage that he wanted to do a Chinese accent. And I was like, if John Marco moves into the edgelord territory, I'm going to have to kill myself. I love John Marco. I say it. I think he's a great comic. I love him. I love that joke he has. He's like, I want to do Chinese accents.

Yeah, yeah. I have a dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great comic. Yeah, he's great. But every time I see him, he is angry looking. Yeah. I think he is working himself to the bone.

He works so hard, and I'm like, I don't want to live that life. I also know him in a way. I like him, and I know him in a way that a lot of... Yeah, it's excellent. It's a lot of self stuff in terms of like, you know, like any, I really try to like feel

whenever someone gives off an air of some way, it's just like their own uncomfortability. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

We're all exaggerating. So like that anger thing, I think is just him. I have the same anger thing. I've just noticed that it goes to yourself. The beard is getting longer. He is starting to look it.

He used to be very clean, bright clothes, the big red jacket. He has a great fit on drag queens. Jesus. He has some great drag queen fits. Yeah, his drag queen thing is really good. Or he has one about how he doesn't dead name people. He always forgets their names. So it doesn't matter if they transition or not.

He's like, I don't know anyone's name. So I'm not dead naming them. He's called me Ivan for years. I'm trying to write a dead name joke about the dead, like when you lose a bunch of weight, how you burn all the pictures, you change your name from like Tub Scout to Jordan, you know what I mean?

Were you a Tub Scout? Were you? Boy. I didn't know. Yeah, and that version of you was skinnier. You're welcome. I said make a fact. How huge are we talking? You're talking like 180 or like 300. I have a scar from here to here from getting extra skin removed.

Oh, you got the surgery. Oh. Cut off. You got the flesh belt. Dang. Does that ever heal? Yeah. What?

No, I'm bleeding out. No, I mean the scar. Is there always a scar there? It's very light. Yeah. But I had to quit smoking. Is it by your pussy? It's like a big smile.

Why don't you get it tattooed like barbed wire? Oh, that's fun. That's fun. I don't know. It's just scary. Yeah. That would be a great tattoo. Or scissors.

Yeah. It's not like a tummy tuck where they like cut a belly button. He literally, I was like, just take,. I don't care what it looks like. Just cut it right off. Wow. How'd you lose the weight? I just starved myself. Oh, great. That's good.

Oh, you do? I did. You can get rid of it if you starve yourself. Oh, that's the fat one. Oh, that's a good diabetes. I only ate grapefruits for like a year. It was crazy. My mom was like, are you starving yourself? And I was like, yes. And she goes, whatever it takes.

I remember that specifically. She goes, whatever it takes. And also, when your kid is fat, it's scary. When your kid is that fat. Why? Because he can't keep shit in the fridge? It's expensive to have a fat kid. You know what's funny? That's why I lost weight. A big part of it was I had OCD

and things would become contaminated and the refrigerator handles became contaminated so I couldn't open the fridge. Oh, and that's why you starved yourself. It wasn't a choice. It did help. It did help. Yeah, okay.

Wow. We don't have that fat gene in my family. It was like the floor is lava, but for your fridge. My family's skinny. I'm like deathly skinny in high school. I was like 120 pounds.

Yeah, I'm very pale. No, it's worse. I'd rather be fat. I'm jealous of the thick people. I used to be so skinny. No, because you're on camera. My mom used to make me drink like protein milkshakes

because I was so skinny. Really? Yeah. My mom used to take away the Jell-O and replace it with sugar-freeell-O, cover the sticker and you just ate it. That is a lot of work. Zero calories. That's like Adam Sandler in 50 First

Dates having to make a videotape to make Drew Barrymore remember herself every day. Your mom gaslit you. No, this is the sugar Jell-O still. It doesn't taste weird at all. Those 50 First Dates were being a chunky kid. So funny. Every morning they're like, everybody get to work. It doesn't taste weird at all. Those 50 first dates for being a chunky kid. So funny.

Every morning, they're like, everybody get to work. It's the Truman Show. They have to give you a new newspaper. They stretch the length of the staircase. I have to walk up and I'm like, this is longer. They're like, good, good work, everybody. They redo your scale on the bathroom. Yeah, totally.

They screen print a picture of me on the fucking mirror where I'm still fat. Yes. You get diarrhea from the sugar-free jello. She's like still fat. You get diarrhea from the sugar-free jello. She's like, no, it's not from the sugar-free jello. It's good. It's the laxatives. Yeah, no, the sugar-free jello, just as good as sugar-full jello.

You were a jello family? It's because I had my tonsils out. And during that time, you can only eat jello because it hurts so bad. So she just replaced it all with sugar-free jello. I lost like 30 pounds. Jello really reminds me of Midwest, like cooked potlucks and shit. Everyone makes that jello salad. All my aunts are making that.

You ever have that? That's a real Midwest thing. Oh, you guys are the sweet potatoes with marshmallows, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, no, I hate Midwest food. That's a vegetable with a sweet. That's not good at all.

No. Aeolian sweet potatoes, is it? Coca-Cola put jello. Oh, it's so bad. Yeah. I dated a gal that was from Indianapolis, I think. And when I visited, they made some sort of like gross Midwestern like thing. And I loved it.

Was it Snickers pie? No. Or Snickers salad, I mean. What? It's like a sweet salad with Snickers bars and like mayo. It makes no sense. No, no, no. I'm almost positive that's what it is.

Can you look it up? Look up Snickers salad. I can't remember exactly what it is. You know what we have? Yeah. That you probably have? Remember dog food? Oh, puppy chow.

Puppy chow. Puppy chow. You were just eating dog food. I did eat dog food. I was like, this is Purina. Did you eat dog food? No. I ate it in college. I ate it in college a couple times. I ate a dog treat once. When I was eating dog food. I did eat dog food. I was like, this is Purina. Did you eat dog food? No. I ate it in college.

I ate it in college a couple times. I ate a dog treat once. When I was, what? I ate a dog treat once. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're good. I got drunk and had a few of those. Snickers salad includes a mix of Snickers bars, Granny Smith apples, whipped cream,

and often pudding or whipped topping served in a bowl. Okay, not mayo. Whipped cream. Okay, that's not as bad as I remember, but that's still gross. It's still not great. It's not great. Rural Midwest food is truly vile.

Yeah. Like hot dish and meatloaf. And they're like, wash it down with a Mountain Dew. Oh, yeah. They all have meat. Yeah, Mountain Dew. And the kids are drunk at age eight. It fucking rocks.

I know. That's just white culture. White culture. Puppy Chow's great. Che fucking rocks. I know. That's just white culture. Puppy chow's great. Chex mix, peanut butter, powdered sugar, and chocolate. Oh, I thought that was called mud. Yes, people, it has different names. Muddy buddies too. No, no, mud

is the brownie shit in the cup with the worms. No, that's like worm dirt worm. It's not dirt worm, but it's something like that. Dirt cake. Oh, I would go nuts when they had dirt cake at a birthday party.

Shut up, Lyle, and eat your slop. That's what that's called. What about outside of Bloomington? What's the place called? Martinsville. Oh, it's a really racist town. Where the KKK was turned. Yeah, yeah. People forget it's from Indiana. At one point, I was like, I should be doing comedy in Martinsville. That crushed it's a really racist town. Where the KKK was turned. Yeah, yeah. People produced from Indiana. At one point I was like, I should be doing comedy in Martinsville.

That crushed. Yeah, they love that. There was one black woman in the whole crowd and I was like, are you okay? And she was like, not really. Oh, God. She was like, this is hard. Yeah, yeah. The Midwest is great if you're white. Wait, what? Getting through your act? Yeah, she might have just been talking about

how long the 45 fell. She's like, is it? She was telling the owner to light you. Oh, child. I don't like none of this foolishness. Jordan can't admit that. You can't do black voice anytime a black woman comes up. Yeah, I can.

It's my favorite. He did it. He did it. It's already been done. I did it. It's been can. It's my favorite. He did it. He did it. It's already been done. I did it. It's been done. It's who I am on the inside. She really was enjoying herself.

It's so funny. She was from Detroit. I was just in Detroit. She said, you're a breath of fresh air. And then she said, I saw Ian boo. You're such a liar.

That's what she said. You're such a liar. That's what she said. Because I was in Detroit this past weekend and you were in your little hell place. She said, did you say be an Ian with Jordan as an Ian finance? I saw him recently.

He went into a full black voice the second I made eye contact with him. You're so full of shit. No, she was like, Ian, he's stupid. I remember she said that. And that's a compliment. Yeah, that's a compliment. The greatest thing you can hear on stage is a black woman whispering, he's stupid. He's stupid.

That's when you know you're killing. He looked at me, pulled out a big chicken wing, and just started eating it two inches away from my face. No, no, no. It was so offensive. That's what she said to me with a tear in her eye. She drove from Detroit to Bloomington for your show? No, she was from Detroit. Oh, okay.

Okay. You can't admit that a black woman didn't like your comedy? No, she was from Detroit. Oh, okay. You can't admit that a black woman didn't like your comedy, so you have to say that the Midwest is racist and not sensitive to black people. Thank you. How dare you? Thank you. The Midwest is probably too sensitive. That's what we were talking about.

It's like my mom, every time she sees Ethan. Mom is from Ithaca, right? There's zero black people in Ithaca. So every time she sees my roommate Ethan, she's literally like, hey, how's it going? You're black. You know what I mean? She can't help herself. My mom's zero black people in Ithaca. So every time she sees my roommate Ethan, she's literally like, hey, how's it going? You're black. She can't help herself. My mom's like that too. It's crazy. They can't function

around black people. They don't know what to do. Unbelievable. They can't stop thinking about it. But your family's also black and you're like, yeah. So you recorded your special wear? I love when you try to get on the, yes, I did in Minneapolis. I think you asked this

We got about 5 seconds in Sisyphus I don't like Minneapolis Minneapolis is the greatest metropolitan area in America Why don't you like Minneapolis I will actually be mad What do you not like about Minneapolis I gotta know this

You know why I don't like it Oh because they won't book you No I know I'm actually from the same town he's from Yeah. What's your reason? I got to hear. You know why I don't like it. Oh, because they won't book you? No. Because they won't book you? No, that's not why. Oh, I know. I'm actually from the same town he's from. I'm from the exact suburb. What, George Floyd?

The opposite. Opposite of later. Here we go. That was good. I didn't get that at first. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. The opposite of George Floyd too, honestly. Yeah. I hate that I did that,. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. The opposite of George Floyd too, honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

If we're being, I hate that I did that, but it was kind of funny. It was great. You can't hate Minneapolis because of that. One guy can't ruin many out. Oh, we can.

That's insane. He did. I ain't stepping foot in that, but I ain't going. I'm like a mile away from where he's from. We're the same, same, exact same thing. Yeah Exact same thing Very different politics though Very different yeah

I made it out You would do comedy a lot at the comedy community corner Comedy corner all the time I love that spot You and Chloe Radcliffe best friends I know Chloe we're friends I love Minneapolis. Can I tell you my

first Jeff Astmus story? Oh, is it Madison? No, Chicago. Years ago, 2017. Oh, boy. I have a good one, too. I stayed with Tim McLaughlin, and he let me sleep in his bed one night instead of the couch because

on Wednesdays, he stays out and goes gambling. Tim used to have a debilitating camera. The poker. I think he keeps it on the low down now. I think so. I talked to him on the train once. He's like a gay man in Atlanta. He on the low.

I was in Black Voices, Gay Voice. That was okay. I love voices. I'm okay with it if it's making fun of gay people and black people together. You can hit a two in one. If you hit a two in one. That's allowed. You're allowed to do that.

Yeah. If you pull a- Or as they would say, an and one. Or a, or a what's his name? Thank you. Michael Yo. If you get a Michael Yo in there, he's a two in one. He's Asian and black.

Oh, okay. That was a little deep for me. I didn't get that one. Hey, everybody. How you doing? It's your old pal Ian here. Whoa. Did was a little deep for me. I didn't get that one. Hey, everybody. How you doing? It's your old pal Ian here. Whoa, did you see what my hair looks like? Not that.

Anyway, I'm trying to get the light. I'm in a comedy condo in Chicago. Zanies, what's up? Thanks for a sold-out weekend, by the way. It felt so good. You guys were very fun. Anyway, oh boy. April's Earth Month and Green Chef is rolling out a new collection of limited time recipes

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in my system. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical, and thank God for it. Enjoy the show. And one, that's triggering. I wore that when I was younger, so let's not say that again. What's and one? And one's that brand of that guy, like, dribbling.

It was like streetball. It was like streetball, and I thought I was going to be an NBA player, so I wore a lot of and one. That's why you're friends with Draco Malfoy? Draco, yeah, yeah, Alex Drago. That boy. I don't know. I did not know how tall he was, and then he stood up.

Oh, he's very tall. 6'7", I think. He's like this height next to you and then he stands up and it's... He can dunk. Yeah. I mean, yes. He dunked on ESPN. Really?

He played in March Madness. Oh, that's cool. He played three games. Yeah. How's he doing with comedy? He does well. He's as well. He opens for me.

He does a good little bathroom break and then I get on stage. Nice. Nice. You want an opener that makes it... Diver piss break. Yeah, like, okay, 20 minutes. Sell more drinks then. I just brought my buddy

Ryan Shane around. We had the most fun. He's so funny. I'm going to start bringing him out more. You got to have an opener that's fun. I'm finally... Was I grabbing my cock? I just hold my... Women don't know that our balls and penises itch.

Nothing like that. And we don't know that our balls and penises itch. We gotta itch them. Nothing like that. And we don't bitch about it. I don't bitch about my penises. Well, maybe not you. We keep it inside. Yeah, we don't have Vagisil for it or nothing. Yeah, one of my buddies gave a long lecture

about how you gotta use the pinky as a post to pull the ball sack back and then you itch it with these fingers here. Oh yeah, you itch the gooch. Yeah. That's a great feeling. Yeah. Yeah.

I love doing that. It's kind of a problem. Yeah. What was your story about when you met me? That's what I wanted to hear. Oh, no. It was just in Chicago. I was doing gigs and it was at some bar thing or whatever.

And you were just like the king of Chicago. Oh, God. You were a king of Chicago. I was a little bit. Oh, God. What did I do? You were the king of Chicago. Oh, God. You were a king of Chicago? I was a little bit. Oh, God. You were very full of yourself. Oh, I believe that. But it was, I thought you were the funniest fucking dude.

But that's his whole shtick. I know, I know. No, I used to be really arrogant offstage, too. I got humbled in New York. It was good. You were arrogant offstage? I used to really think I was the cock of the walk. I was incredibly intimidated by you

I was not a nice person You're very nice when you first got into the cellar you were like oh thank you I am nice now but 2016 and 2018 I was like I'm the next big thing I'm gonna fuck you everyone I thought you were so fucking funny I think I had to follow you Or like you were

I had to like really turn the burners on But I thought you were so funny But I was like so intimidated by you. I was like, oh, God, God, I hate it. I hate who I was. It was great. I was a mean to a lot of people. No, but you were just so fucking funny.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I remember that at New York's funniest. Oh, my God. When we did it right before COVID. You did it with. Were you not in it? I was in it the year after COVID.

Oh, I was in it with Michael Rowland. It was Rowland, Palufo, Tyler Fisher, Sagalow, and you. Yeah. And it was, in my opinion, and I mean, my best friend was in it. Michael Rowland was in it. Yeah. Crushing. But I hadn't seen you you i was doubled down on the ground crying with laughter i was like undeniable these are all my favorite people but that kid won whoever the fuck that is and then i didn't win and then you didn't win one so then when i did new york's funniest i

was like fuck this competition it's rigged so i didn't care and then i won i think because i didn't care i think that's what you got to do. You got to be Lex. Oh my God. You were being so funny. You didn't care at all. I did. That was after I'd left New York and I just came back to do that competition. I was so sad and I was just like,

whatever, I'm just going to tell these people they're pigs. And it was so, my God, it was, I was, that's what I really had. I really remember that.

I had a good time. Speaking of which, last night, I think the greatest thing I've a good time. Speaking of which, last night at the Cellar. Oh, my God. This is, I think, the greatest thing I've ever seen. It was bad. Especially from my perspective.

It was rough. So, do you want to tell it? I'll, I'll, yeah, okay. Do you want me to pop in a little? Yeah, pop in if I get something wrong. Okay. So, I was at the VU doing a show. Great show.

A great show. Good crowd. Doing pretty well. But this one guy was, like, looking off into space. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? I'm pursuing my dream up here. Can't even look at me. And he like, wasn't paying attention. I was like, look at me, dude. And then he just unrolls his little blind cane. Dude, it was like, well, it like slowly unrolled above. He's like, I'm blind, dude. Can I tell you, Jeff was fucking doing awesome.

And then he just like record scratch stopped to focus on this guy. So everyone was like, attention. Everyone's stopped. Stop the momentum. And from my point of view, I'm in the back where the comics sit. And this guy pulled up his thing. And it was one of those fold up. It was a fold up white one.

So it slowly unraveled. And then it snapped into a full stick and goes I'm blind and it was the funniest fucking thing. It was like a snake climbing into the air slowly. It was amazing. Dude it was the best fucking moment.

It was so funny. What did you say? I don't remember what I did. I just started screaming. Fuck, fuck. For a long time. It ended up being funny, but it was awkward for about a minute or two. Isn't it frustrating when something beautiful like that happens

and you don't have the perfect recovery? I had one good lie. I remember clocking it. I was like, oh, that was great because you didn't respond. I was like, does anyone else have a lesser disability I can make fun of or something like that? I don't know if you plan this in the moment or not, but immediately the next bit you went into was about being a dog walker. Yeah, yeah. I should have said something you know all about, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a dog walker. Well, usually the dog walks you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God damn it. Oh, damn. Oh, yeah. And I said something about all these

C&I dogs around here or something like that. Well, I went up and tried to ride your wave and you kind of hit him a lot. I went too far. It was like a little like,

and then I was like, I got one for you. And I was like, that was so good. I want to give you money out of my pocket right now, but you probably wouldn't be able to see

where I'm holding it. And everyone was like, too much. Everyone's like, we're done. We're done with the blind guy. He goes, I want to show you something, but you wouldn't be able to look at it because you're blind. Oh, I remember what I said. I said, you weren't laughing anyways, dude. You can't blame the blindness

on that. Yeah, that was great. You didn't blame me anyways or something like that. That's what I said. Oh, it was so fucking funny. God, that really made me uncomfortable. I think it worked out okay, but it was fantastic. I was sweating up there. The cane unravel

snap. It was the perfect one. Oh my God. He just slowly lifted it at the perfect moment and dude, the place like the roof fucking blew off. It was fucking amazing. It It was great. I want to travel with him. Yeah. It was fantastic. That was fun. Have you guys ever had something like that? What's anything similar to that? Yeah. Good question. Um, where I'm like, I say something

and then they're like, Greg Stone did that. Yeah. Just the other day, I was like, oh, you have a sibling and they were like, kind of. And I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Do you have a sibling or not? And the parents were like, we kind of have it. And they were like, he's dead. He's a dead person. And then I turned to this girl and I'm talking to her and I'm like, why are you in therapy?

And she goes, well, my brother died. And I was like, what are you doing to me? I think people with dead siblings probably go to your shows more than you think. I feel like you attract that demo. I think that's good. Yeah, I fuck my siblings. Yeah, they're like, I would, but they're dead. Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to rack my brain. I can't really pinpoint one. But I know Greg Stone had one where we in the crowd, they found out that this girl's like father was a murderer or some crazy thing. Yeah, that was so good. That rocks. Yeah. Where I was like, where is your or you don't have a relationship or your dad's dead. I just ask about dead people, I guess.

And she's like and she was like, well, he's dead to me. And I was like, oh, yeah, well, try having a dad who's really dead. And she said something like he raped me or something. Oh, no. I was like, didn't mean to do it, but yeah. You thought you had the higher ground, and she's like, no. Oh, no.

I'd have been like, get over it. Oh, actually, yeah, the other night in D.C., this guy, he said he had cancer, and then I was like, ah, you know, you're here, you like, ah, but you know, you're here, you're doing better.

And he goes, it's inoperable. And I was like, oh God. This is my final show. And that was like super, we had like a real fun thing. And then I didn't notice,

but he got up and like went to the bathroom. And I was like, yeah, right. Cancer guy. And he wasn't there. I go, he's not there.

Did he die? Did the cancer get him? He's in the bathroom puking from chemo oh man he brought in his last joy that was so fun wait what was i gonna say oh you know what i hate is when you're at a show and you're like doing fine but then you start to turn to crowd work to save yourself and you turn to a group and they're like this is our bachelorette party and you're like fuck man this is your big night out to see me and I'm trying to save myself with you. I noticed not as many of those after

COVID. You don't see as many bachelorette parties anymore. I don't think they go to my shows. They don't go to my shows. They know it's not going to be good for them. One time I said where is your man's out? He's probably getting his dick sucked into this. Where's your man's out?

Talk about black voice. Holy shit. That's literally. Where's your man's at? I was just being me. Me and Ian. Man's is literally from me. And she fucking, she like asked Amina a question, but she went to black voice and was like,

do y'alls ever get upset? And I was like, where did that come from? Did she call you out? Did she call you out? Did she? Did she call you out? Yeah, they both called me out. They both started hooting and hollering. I love that. Like they do at the goddamn cellar. That's good. Screaming

on the top. Have you ever just listened in to the conversation? I'm always like, they're having such a good time. All they're doing is repeating the last thing the other one said. That's it. All they're doing is repeating the last thing the last one said. The last one said. Dude, what's wrong with the little joy? What's wrong with the little joy?

Y'all's is from Nashville. I say y'all's because I lived in Nashville. Y'all's is Southern man's. Man's is from you. Man's. I say man's. I didn't know any black people in Minnesota So I can't steal it Anyway like I was saying before you stepped on me to just reveal something From the last episode that I also had to be embarrassed about

That you bring up again One time Ian blew a guy in an alley And got a thing on his dick Okay let's talk about that That doesn't seem relevant That doesn't make sense even because you blew him You can't blow a guy and get a thing on your dick You can't just have a podcast where you just,

everything bad that's happened to me, you just unfold on a whiteboard. I think what your thing was way worse than what he revealed about you. That seems more personal. He didn't blow a guy and get a bump on his dick. That's impossible. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

Oh, you just made that up? You didn't even have a real anecdote? You're trying to dig for dirt, and you just made up a thing? Ian has AIDS up He has AIDS He has AIDS and he gives them to people I forget what Ian says The second after he says it Dude that's

There was a huge explosion of AIDS In like the Sudan because there was This is why that guy left during that podcast What guy? When the guy got up and left and was so angry With Butterly? I almost just did it just then That guy left during that podcast. What guy? When the guy got up and left, when it was so angry. No. With Butterly. I almost just did it just then.

Rainy? Yeah. Anyway, one time I was at a show. Fucking faggot. Whoa. I just got in trouble for saying that word on stage. Did you? I got, I said I got called that word in high school

and then a lady left a long review on my TikTok. Like this man last night said a slur on stage and made fun of my friend for being gay, which I did not do. I just heard a guy talking. I was like, Oh, are you gay?

That's all I said. She's like, that's insane. Yeah. I was like, can we say that word? I don't know. I'm so shielded.

I love it. And anytime I, I feel like I can't say it, I just gotta go re-up. If you suck a dick, you can do it for the next three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta renew my subscription. They're like, okay, here you go.

Here's your fag pass. I went through the phase of trying to be a lesbian for a fag pass. I didn't think I would, but Eric went. Come on over, make it alright. Come on, let's re-up, alright. Felt kind of good. Okay. Come on. Let's re-up, Jeffrey. Or if you don't have sex with a woman in a year,

you can say it again, too. You're not straight anymore. You guys could do it to each other. You could be like, I ran out of my fag passes to comics. Can I have one from you? Yeah, you're not using it. You suck each other's dicks. I'm going to Philly. I need it. Come on. You're going to need it. That's great. Boston, you need your retard pass Sam Jay gave me an N word pass

I haven't cashed it in yet but I always laugh about like Me getting curb stomped by a bunch Of black dudes and in between getting Hit I'm like no Sam Jay Pause she said you know Female Patrice come on guys You do it after you follow like

Chappelle at the cellar. You finally cash it in. I'm just getting the shit kicked out of me. I'm like, no, you guys, no, Sam J., please. I wonder when Louis did it if somebody had done it. What? I wonder when Louis whipped it out hard. Remember when he did cunt and faggot?

Remember when he did that whole thing? Oh, the Mark Twain bit? Or he did one about Harkleberry Finn that he said the N-word in. What do you mean? He just said Harkleberry. Harkleberry. I don't know what that was. The coffee's getting to me.

I don't drink coffee very often. I'm going to lit up right now. I know, Harkleberry. Harkleberry Finn? No, you put the R in the wrong word. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's hard R-ing Huckleberry. Harkleberry.

I don't know what accent it came out of. Yeah, Harklebury I don't know what accent came out of me Harklebury So you recorded a special Oh my god I love that Oh my god Yes Harklebury nin bit When he says cunt Faggot

Don't say it I remember the bit I wonder if he just launched into it When he says cunt, faggot, and the N-word. Don't say it. Please don't say it. Yeah, I remember the bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know the bit. I wonder if he just launched into it or if it was way. I think back then it wasn't as big of a deal. You think? I think if you were him, too, he was at the height of his power when no one would say

a thing. There were articles that came out that were like, you should never say this, but if you do, Louis does it the best. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's like, Louis did it the best. Louis did it. He could do no wrong. He could have done anything on stage. Those were good times. Yeah, they were. Like 2006

to 2010. Comedy was wild. What was going on? It feels like we have entered a fascist regime. Just even thinking back on that, watching that clip and being like, this is how it should be done. We live in another universe. When he talks about the guy going into the coffee shop.

Yeah, it's a different reality. We can't look back. That's why we're the keepers of the faith. What do we think about Joe Rogan? No, we can't go into Rogan. So you recorded a special. Talk about your sister. What's it called? The Hottest Man Alive?

What is it? It should be. The Only Funny White Man. Great. The Only Funny White Man. A good title. I was going to name mine The Last Good White. I like that. I like that. That's good.

We could be bookends. Yes. Or you invite in Black Girl Magic. I think that's kind of funny too. The Last Good White Man. Get away. It's really good. What are you going to name yours Jordan

Critical folly Critical folly Oh I like that Wow you like something that came out of my mouth Are you recording one soon I feel like you're on the where are you doing it VU If you say what everybody says I will fucking kill you

What's everybody say Everybody records in the VU I'm like yeah cause that's where we work I don't have you. What's everybody say? Everybody records in the venue. I'm like, yeah, because that's where we work. I don't have to say it if you say it. It's a great venue. It's my favorite venue. I love it. It's going to be great. She's changing the back. It's going to be fantastic.

This thing, this little cutout in the back. Make a stained glass with this cutout. That could be huge. This would be perfect for stained glass too. I hate them things. We love it. You know what we should do? You should burn it on stage. That would be fun.

In Philly. They'll allow that. This band Pollyanna, they're fucking great. Oh, well this is coming out after the live show. Pollyanna was fantastic. They did such a good job. I loved burning that thing on stage. That would be fun. You burning that thing on stage You killed That's a replica That's a duplicate

That thing is gone You burned that outside On the sidewalk after the show In effigy Oh I hate it Oh that's fun No dude When are you taping your special?

Yeah when is it? It's either May 22nd Or May 20 Or Memorial Day How many shows are you doing? Two Yeah that'll be fun But here's my question

No we won't get into this No do it Ask a question. I just did... Liz just asked me to MC the 11th. I just did... Hell yeah. Money, spots. I just did the... It doesn't matter what I say. I just did Zany's in Nashville,

which is my home club. Yeah, a great club. And it was great, and I'm like... And you're thinking about doing it there? You know, I think doing a special at two different venues is a great idea you like Adam Sandler did that special where it's all not your first but not your first but I think I'm doing that for my second special I want

to do one in like a big city like a blue city and then a small like red town and do like the same material and see how it goes you could name it red state blue state yeah something like that well that's the name of Colin Quinn's. Oh, is it really?

God damn it. But there's a book called Time Square Red, Time Square Blue, which is about the like sex culture in Times Square from like the 50s

up until after Giuliani. Oh, I would love that book too. It's really, maybe I should do it in Nashville. Okay. There was like, Nashville would give me a weekend, which would be that book, too. It's really well-written. Maybe I should do it in Nashville. Okay. There was like... Nashville would give me a weekend,

which would be better. More shows. Two is good. I think two is good, but yeah. I mean, more is better, obviously. Also more tougher to edit, though, too. We all saw Chris Rock's One Pop Shop. Yeah.

And that did not go well. I think that's not the move. That's not the move. I think I'd love to do one show live. Really? I don't want to talk too much about it. I thought it was stinky. It was.

T.U. Love rock. One of the greats. But man. Oh man. Even REO Speedwagon had a bad album. Can I tell you what pisses me off about that? And I know like I look he's prolific.

Yes. But I saw him work that out at the cellar and it was like so funny, like run back and forth in the hallway, jaw on the floor, like, oh, really? We're all loving it, dying. And then when he performed, I think it was just nerves or whatever. But when he performed it, it's like he was doing an impersonation of who he used to be really doing it the way he did. Dude, I'm telling you.

Damn, he watered it down. Magical. But that's what he does. Also, it's the big arena gets lost. I think that's why you got it in small intimate venues. I think in the cellar. He's great.

He's the fucking best. What? Crazy woman. What I've heard, anytime my voice start begins, you talk immediately over it. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I think you both interrupt each other. And I think it's even, and I think it's kind of the beautiful thing about the pod. I think it's actually great. I hate you. Who? What just happened? I fucking hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. At the cellar, what I have heard is that Chris does it low-key. Very, very small. Keeps it very tight. Doesn't make eye contact. Just keeps it low. Because

Your old pal Chris? He likes me. We've talked several times. We shared french fries. We shared french fries. He talked about my motorcycle. I showed him my motorcycle. Okay? I think that was Chappelle. And Chappelle. And Louis all around my motorcycle at once.

It was crazy. I dissociated. Wow, that's cool. I think he does it small at the cellar to see really what works and then he goes big for the thing, I've heard that. Which is interesting because it's called selective outrage. And at this big thing, that's when he does the final anger thing. I did like when he was screaming bitch a lot at the end.

I thought that was very funny. It wasn't all bad. I'm glad he brought up that he played the zebra. That was hilarious. That was fun. I thought some of the social commentary was a little hack. I did only watch the end. That was hilarious. That was fun. I thought some of the social commentary was a little. I did only watch the end. Oh, OK.

I have an opinion. I only watched about 10 out of 50 minutes. Because the beginning of it made me feel like I was smoked weed. You know, when you watch TV after you smoke weed. I was too. It was too like I know. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be high to watch a special. I wasn't.

I was a bit cringy in the beginning. But then at the end, I know. I wouldn't want to be high to watch a special. I wasn't high. It was a bit cringy in the beginning. But then at the end, it went so good. It's a lot of old man like, oh, you can't say anything. And it's like, you've made $20 million doing this. You're saying whatever you want. Chappelle has managed to not do that. Chappelle is all about cancel culture.

He did a special about trans people four years in a row and didn't grow his nuance. That's all he does. Literally four years in a row. The honest truth is I haven't watched them, but I really liked his SNL monologue. The SNL monologue was amazing. That was amazing.

That was amazing. That was nothing like his previous four specials. Really? I haven't watched any of those specials. Or the Chappelle show. I love the, you come in really confidently. You come in very, I would not have known. I would have thought you were a student of the game there for a second.

No. You're a Phillies fan. You love Dave Chappelle. I've only watched Louie's specials. That's it. That's so funny. Literally, that's it. You're watching them with him.

You're like going over game tape. I love what you did here. Yeah. Totally. We're both jerking off. Yeah. Oh, God. That's fucking funny. Oh, wow. Oh, that's it. You're watching them with him. You're going over game tape. I love what you did here. We're both jerking off. Oh, God, that's fucking funny. Oh, wow. Oh, I love you. Oh, I watched Joe List's special.

Oh, Joe List's the best. I haven't even watched Gillis's special. I love Gillis. It's great. He's the best comic right now. Yes, he's so funny. Of course. He's the one unfollowable comic at the cellar. Ethan's hard to follow. Ethan and Yamanika are also hard, but Shane's

for me, it's hard because we're doing the same thing. Yes. When I go on after him, they're like, oh, you're doing a worse version of what Shane just did. It's tough to follow them. Yeah. That's how Ian is behind James. Josh Ademeyer.

You were such a fucking cunt. Let's go. Let's go. Drag her. Guys. I wish I could physically. Yeah. Drag her behind a truck.

I want to fucking dog walk you. You can't. I'm too heavy. Come on, fats. I'm dragging Fats that's a great old school nickname What do you call it cheese curds

What do you call it Curd queen Queen of the curd Lady of the curd Lady of the curd I love that I'm gonna make you a crown out of Bacon lard Lardens

I would fight back on this but last night I was Pulling food out of bacon lard. Lardens. I would fight back on this, but last night I was pulling food out of your mouth. You're allowed to eat salmon with her bare hands. Oh, that's healthy though. She wanted the iron. The food's healthy. The act of getting it is not. Yeah, you don't steal

food with your hands. I love sharing my food with you. How can you be OCD and steal someone's food with your hands? OCD is not cleanliness. Yeah, I actually know. This is me with you with Ch hands. I love sharing my food with you. How can you be OCD and steal someone's food with your hands? She's an enigma. OCD is not cleanliness. Yeah, I actually, no, no. This is me with you with Chappelle. I know nothing about OCD. OCD is magical thinking. It's like-

Like believing in God? Yes. No! A lot of people who believe in God become OCD. Is that there actually is a connection? Yeah, because they start thinking that they're going to. Yeah. Oh, I forgot about him. Yeah. Do you remember? Do you know what happened to him? No. About

his thing about like the devil taking over if he didn't do things a certain amount of time. He has great OCD. So the best roast ever was this dude roasted him on like those roast whatever's and he I think like Eli had a thing about like a

number and the comic just kept bringing up the number in like different ways and was like yeah it was I'm doing a horrible job of butchering it. That's great. With the miscarriage? What? Eli did a roast. He had a miscarriage?

No. The liberals have gone too far. They have gone too far. That's what we call vasectomies now. had a miscarriage? No. The liberals have gone too far. They have gone too far. That's what we call vasectomies now. Yeah, a miscarriage. Oh, that's so funny. That's when I cum on my pillow. That's a miscarriage. Not a miscarriage is on my belly.

Some comic's wife had a miscarriage, and he's roasting him. And every joke on Comedy Central was about the wife's miscarriage, and they just cut all of it out. Oh, because it didn't go well or it was too much? They just weren't allowed. I mean, like, I mean, just like. Dude, look up Eric Bergstrom, Eli Stairs roast on like the roast battle roastmasters. Did it freak him out?

Was it freaking out? No, it was like very fun. But it was so funny how Bergstrom just kept repeating it. He's good at the roast. I think one of my OCDs is that I have to drink a full thing of water before bed or I'll die in my sleep. Now, listen. I'm not way but with cum.

Gotta drink a shot of cum. Come on. You gotta go for the joke. It's four words. Four words. I have an OCD thing. It's called sniping. It's called riffing.

It's riffing. I haven't gotten one full sentence out That is not true That was a good one This is just a show of fallacies If we did a word count I guarantee you had the most words No way That's because I'm screaming

Ethan No I'm not saying it's bad I finished the story about the double bachelorette Very good story And I didn't finish what the creepy thingachelorette. Very good story. I'm not going to tell it. And I didn't finish what the creepy thing about my OCD is. But you go ahead. Tell more about your drinking of cum that everybody loves to hear about.

Cum's funny. It's a bad joke. He's sucking up to you. I have an OCD thing. What? That you drink cum? Listen to this. You're going to love this joke.

Oh, yes, I will listen because I'm a woman. I have to listen to a whole special before I critique it. You're a gay whore. Come on. Okay, go ahead, Jeff. I have an OCD thing. I have to listen to a full comedy special before I critique it openly. It just makes me go crazy if I don't watch the whole thing. Fuck you.

Yeah. Just kidding. Oh, no. Oh, no. She'll break it. She'll break it. She'll break it. You'll rip that shit in half.

That's amazing. Actually, speaking of which, can we get money from the pod? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Let's hear the Bachelorette story. Let's let... No, it's over. I want to hear it. I wantorette story. No, it's over. I want to hear it.

No, no, no. Absolutely not. So you recorded your special in a shitty city in the Midwest that breeds bad people who hate people? Yeah. How did it go? You put the neon behind you. I thought that was interesting. Did that backlight you at all?

Huh? Let's talk about that. The neon sign went pretty well. Did it backlight you? Did you have a problem with the backlight? It did, yes. That must have been anxious. Who did it? Was it James Webb that did it? He was involved. Nice.

Nice. Just this antagonistic Barbara Walters thing. Sorry, I didn't have a new special. I heard it kind of sucks. Anyway, so, okay. So about how many people came out? How many shows you do?

Two shows? I did four shows. Nice. Four shows. Keep it nice and safe. Nice and safe. Not taking a lot of risk. Not a lot of risk.

Okay. No. What was the venue called? It's called Sisyphus Brewery. Sisyphus Brewery. Nice. Sisyphus, like the rock guy. Right. You guys know Sisyphus Brewery. Sisyphus Brewery. Sisyphus, like the rock guy. Right.

You guys know Sisyphus? The guy who pushes the boulder up the mountain and then it falls down every day? Oh, Sisyphus, right. Atlas is the guy who holds the world on his shoulder. They're different. It's kind of like me with this podcast. Anyway.

There we go. There we go. Oh, sorry. Was it okay that I put a joke in the funny podcast? Yeah, do we have to be sincere for five minutes at the end? Let's all be sincere. No jokes. Let's just be like real.

Let's just get down to it. You know what it is? Your jokes suck. That's what it is. If they were good digs, like his, the OCD one, that was a good dig. I think we've all been kind of hitting on it Hi Sam We've been nailing it

Is that Sam Talent? I'm going to kill myself I'm going to kill myself tonight Hey man Whoa, hey man So your special comes out In late April, we don't have a date yet actually Late April

We haven't picked an exact date yet Now why have you waited so long to put it out? The editing? Yeah, the editing. Taking a while. Yeah, it is taking a while. How much did you spend on it? About 18K?

It almost takes. Whoa. It almost takes as long to get your special edited as it does for her to get a story out. Oh. Yeah, my special will come out when you finish an anecdote. I would love to finish an anecdote. I would love to finish an anecdote. I would love to. But if the attention is off of Ian for four seconds, he realizes he's gay.

Or gay. I think we all know he's gay. I don't think he's realizing he's straight every four seconds. Yeah. No, this is pushing me towards gay. Women are like this. Ew, icky poo. Y'all get a big head during March.

Let's actually just see what happens when I just let Ian go. Go ahead, Ian. Go ahead. Take it over. Take it over. Ask somebody about themselves. See if you could do that for once in your fucking life. Give it a shot. See if you can talk to Jeff about Jeff for one second. Let's see if you can give it a go.

Let's see. So, Jeff, you work at the cellar with me on a show that I was on last night that I hosted. Oh yeah. That was exactly me giving him the floor to tell his story. And then I then told about the first time I met him in Chicago.

We talked about how great he was. He actually led the charge on that actually on the sincerity front. You've done well too Jordan. I think you both have done on the sincerity front. So, you know. You've done well, too, Jordan. I think you both have done a great job. So, Jeff, you only date black women. Some would say that that's also racist in its own right. Half black.

We keep them half black. Wow. All three of us are going to hell for three different reasons. Me for being gay. Jordan for being fat. A woman. Ian for being Muslim. I don't know what the hell he is.

Who knows? Inshallah. Inshallah. It's Ramadan right now. A woman. Ian for being Muslim. I don't know what the hell he is. Who knows? Inshallah. Inshallah. It's Ramadan right now. It is, yes. Happy Ramadan to our brothers and sisters. Yes. Is that the ash, Ash?

Are you serious? Sorry. Do you know what Ramadan is? Oh, it's the juice. No. Is it Hasig? Are you kidding me? Is it Muslim?

I don't. Oh, they're fasting. Ismail's fasting. Yes. Ismail's fasting. Just Ismail. No one else. Ismail's fasting and he's going through a divorce.

Ramadan's a little quirk Ismail does. He invented Ramadan. He's fasting and going through a divorce. Oh, I don't think we have to air that. Fasting on food and on pussy. He's open about it. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. You thought Ramadan was Jewish? She doesn't know anything. What's the other one? Shoshanna? Shoshanna? No, that's your girlfriend.

That's the 17-year-old Jerry Seinfeld dated, I think. She's black. Yes, yes. Her name's Erin. I love that. Shoshanna? Tamika? Was it Tamika? Okay, Ramadan is Muslim.

Shoshana? Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah. What's the ashy? Ash Wednesday. It's in the name. Were you not raised with any? No, ashy is his girlfriend. Yeah.

Gross. All right, that's a show. That's a show. That was good. Were you not raised with Annie? No, Ashy is his girlfriend. Yeah. That's a show. Jeff, what do you have coming up? We got the special which Jordan teased a few times. The only funny white man coming out at the end of April. Follow my YouTube. It's coming out. It's going to be great.

And if we wanted to go to your YouTube, what would we type in? You just type in Jeffrey Osmus. It's just G-E-O-F-F-R-E. And she's gone. We can finally have a little boys time. Yeah, my God. Finally talk about cum. Jesus Christ.

You know, it's coming out at the end of April. It's going to be good. It's what? At the end of April? It's coming out. Cum! Yes. And if you watch it, I'll cum in your mouth.

I don't care. Looks like I'm watching it nonstop. Whatever I got to do to get those listens up. It's got trash women in it, if you like that shit. Yes. Yes, I trash men too. We do not support women here. We don't. Is she just not coming back?

No. Damn. We just haven't known. How have you been doing, Ian? I'm great, man. Wow. Okay. This is good.

Yeah. Is this a constant? The fights? I love it. It. Okay. This is good. Is this a constant? The fights? I love it. It's kind of fun. I really love it. Men and women fighting the good old days when that could happen still. We didn't give women the upper hand.

I love it because we are obviously BFF. Of course. You're allowed to fight. But then the best part, my favorite is after the show we always just go upstairs and like chill or like take maps on the couch and stuff and I've always wanted my apartment to be like a place where people could come and go and feel comfortable so all these guys have keys and just come in just fight go up there and nap you're still friends that's great dude it's so funny good growing up my mom, Ian, you don't love people

unless you fight. I think that's toxic, but I love it as well. I don't think that's fully accurate. If we didn't love each other, we wouldn't yell. We wouldn't scream at you that you're a worthless little pig. My mom has a thing in her bathroom that says, so it's not home, sweet home.

Adjust. Oh my God. That's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like, we fight because we love you. And then you're going to fight. Yeah. I like that. Skills are the best.

You're the man. Thank you for coming on, dude. Thank you for coming on. This was so fun. Thank you for having me. I do have a podcast called You're an Idiot also. Please listen to that. Yes.

With my tall friend, Alex Dragovich. Yes. Every Monday. IanFightAnts.com. I tall friend, Alex Dragovich. Yes. Monday. I, Ian finance.com. I got a lot of fun stuff coming up. Um, I'm going to be in Columbus. I'm going to be in Nashville.

I'm going to be in Atlantic city, Stanford, Connecticut. Oh, comedy on state. Uh, yeah, that's my club. That's where you met.

I met you more there. We hung out with David. The whole fucking time. Yeah. Walking around the city till like 5 a.m. with every homeless guy knew who he was. That was awesome. He was just a man of the night.

That was cool. Oh, my God. I totally forgot. That was like the biggest moment of my life. Dude, that was a long time. That was, I think, summer 2019 or 18. Yeah. And that was the first,

like, flight road gig I'd ever done with him. Oh, really? So that was, like, a huge deal. Oh, that was your first time,

like, opening with him, with Dave? Like, on a flight. Oh, wow. But I would drive with him and do,

like, drivable opening gigs. But, yeah, that was, like, really special. And I'll never forget, he gave me a book

as, like, a gift for it being the first time that I flew out with him and it oh fuck what's it called oh shit it's about this ballet dancer that loves anal sex I know you like fucking an ass

you're gonna enjoy this and did you enjoy it? oh yeah oh fuck awesome man well you're the best, dude. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Go follow Jordan, too.

I think she needs some emotional help. Go to her shows, too. We're about to go follow her upstairs. Yeah, yeah. Come back to the pod, please. Bye-bye. Ta-ta. We'll see you next time.