Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 038: Garlic Palms W/ Sam Tallent

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

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Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

Oh man, can we not, can we not? Can we do a little one? I'll do it. Welcome to another episode of Be An Alien with Jordan. Jordan's got a gnarly headache, man. Jordan does have a headache, but those glasses help. From all these fucking allergies. I hear you, sister.

Do you have them? No, I'm strong. God damn it. And who's that strong voice? None other than Sam Tallon Hey everyone it's me friend of the pod Yeah Such a friend of the pod

Thank you Man who saved my life all throughout JFL You know what's so funny is that you were spazzing and tweaking up there And then now look who's on top Am I on top? Yes I'm in a basement right now You have a very admirable career Jordan

Maybe Ian grab the back of my neck Do you think I have an admirable career, Jordan. Maybe, Ian, grab the back of my neck. Do you think I have an admirable career? Yes. That's so nice. I feel the same way about you. Well, I think we're both doing well. Wow. I'm admirable. Yes, you are. This podcast is called... This is very much helping. I just want you to know. Good, good, good.

Ian, it went without saying. Don't worry, buddy. We can both agree JFL did jack shit. It didn't help me. Did you get management out of it? No, I did not. I got management from Stavros Halkis. Oh, that's nice.

Recommended me to his guy. And then Gary Goldman recommended me to his guy. The go-go? The go-go. Ooh, the Greek and the freak. Helped me out a lot during the pandemic. Goldman? With depression and medication.

Oh, yeah. You were thinking about ketamine therapy. He was your pharmacist. He was my pharmacist. We call him Percocet Goals. Yeah, because he set them high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I meant Goalman, but I said Goals, and it sounded like an achievable thing.

I'm trying to think of a joke for Gary the you know Gary The meds the ketamine Gary Gulpman Gary Gulp my meds man Look right in the camera after you say that Gary Gulpman Gulpman No don't stop here's the question

Should we do ketamine therapy No I don't want to Ethan looks like he sells very bad ketamine. Yeah. Have you done ketamine, Ethan? Of course he has. I have not. I wouldn't mind a good little nasal spray of ketamine.

They give you like half the dose to blast you off. Really? Yeah. And then you consider incense and peppermint. Someone asks you about your trauma settings. Sometimes it's in a pool. Sometimes it's in a hot tub. A pool. It's in the top of a bunk bed. Yeah. Yeah. Like that would be bad for me or like a mock spaceship roller. I'm sleeping in a loft bed right now and I'm so afraid I'm just going to wake up with my head shattered on the ground.

Can I tell you something? Please. I built myself a loft bed. I slept in it for a year. The only time I got close to coming off of it. Ready? Sleep paralysis. Oh, you thrashed. I didn't thrash. I thought that my blanket was a man, a big man. Not an unfriendly man, but man nonetheless.

A comforting man. And I squinched away from, this is all I could move was that, until I was almost hanging off the bed, woke up, said, that's not a man, that's my blanket, in the nick of time. So unless you have sleep paralysis. You were describing the Ghostbusters theme song. An invisible man sleeping in your bed. Who you gonna call? Gary Goldman.

Nice. Is that really in it? An invisible man is sleeping in your bed? Sleeping in your bed. That is truly the scariest thing I've ever heard. It's a movie about scaries. About bussing ghosts. Is it a scary movie? The original is a little scary. Sam Talen.

It's hard for me to take you seriously when you're dressed like a backyard wrestling manager. Oh yeah, flip him up. I was literally like, come on, get in there, Rosetta. That's what we're doing tonight. Is there a late night massage place? Yeah, down the street.

Let's go after this. Really? Yeah, you want to go? I don't want to get a happy ending with you two. I want a happy ending. God. They never give me a happy ending. I don't think I'd like getting rubbed off. Oh, my God.

I got the best massage the other day. 100 Clinton Street. Lower your side. Okay. The woman massaged me and halfway through, dude, she was getting in my legs. Yeah. Like in a good way. In the crevice.

Yeah. She was kind of leading me towards, and she goes, full body? And I go, no, no, no. And she goes, okay. And then she didn't jerk me off. I don't like that anymore. And afterwards, I was putting my clothes on. She was still massaging me and she kissed me on the cheek and goes, you are my boyfriend.

She did not do that. I swear to God. Her name is Jessica. She just got here a month ago. I said I'd come back. She still had the wrapping on her? She had a bow on. She goes, come back tomorrow. I go, Jessica, I'm coming back tonight. She said,

you know what? I had a guy named Tiger. That's not his name. His name's Mike, but it's also Tiger. He got on me, was on top of me and goes, your boyfriend going to be so happy. Your boyfriend going to be so happy. And I still have no idea. I think what he means is he also said 10 years and pointed to my back. And then he got a crack out of it and said, 10 years that's been in there.

That's crazy. But I think what he means is for my boyfriend that doesn't exist, will never exist, can't exist. I will be more bendy. Oh, you're going to be more limber and live. Yes, that's the only thing I can imagine. Jessica kept going, pointing to my tattoos and going, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

And then another one in San Diego. The one in San Diego told me she was my concubine oh good yes which is a fancy word for sex slave yeah did she say i belong to you uh-huh wow how much that word of the day calendar is paying off for her that is unbelievable the other one touching your leg saying cool cool that was one of the three words she had she had boyfriend cool cool and full release not in mouth that was another one yeah wow concubine concubine yeah that's crazy when you get up and leave that's when you run away or that's when i said what does that mean come on conky tell me one guy beat me up so much i started crying use a different word sorry One guy beat me up so much I started crying. Use a different word.

Sorry. One guy beat me up so much I started crying. He beat you up? He pulled my arm by my back and was wrenching up on it so much that it triggered some childhood stuff in a good way. And I started crying. Did he say tap out, tap out? He was holding my hand like between fingers like that, behind my back.

Isn't that a little inappropriate? Yeah. No, no, no, no. For a father to do to a daughter? This one. This one behind her back. Behind the back. Yeah, yeah. Ooh, yum yums. Ethan, bring the edibles. Ethan. So we twisted you up. Hammer lock.

With the hands interlaced. That's what they do. Fingers interlaced is deeply intimate. That's what they do. That's what they do. Interlaced. Okay. That's what they do. No, fingers interlaced is deeply intimate. That's deeply intimate. No, no, no, no. That's how you hold hands on a Ferris wheel. Because you can crack the wrist better. Maybe.

Like this. Oh. See? Better. And then they do that. If you just do this. Okay. You can squeeze a finger.

Have you ever had anyone squeeze your wrist and roll it? Yeah. Feels good. Or you grab your hand like this and roll it all around. I'm afraid of my bones touching. You got tough bones, bro. How about handlebar hours you put in? I dated a guy with weak bones. Gary. Look at these bones.

Look at this fist. It's a big meaty pie. It hurts when you get a knuckle sandwich. It's a hurts sandwich. It ain't delicious. It's the only mealy pie. It hurts when you get a knuckle sandwich. It ain't delicious. It's the only meal you're going to need all day. That's what we're looking for. One time before our fight, I said, you better pack a lunch because we're going to be here all day.

You've said that so many times about Olivia's humar. So many times. You've gotten so animated with me and you've gone, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to him and I'm going i'm gonna say and i go pack a lunch because he's gonna be there all day and you go yeah you heard that you heard that before somewhere when when my chick left me and uh she like date for another guy uh we're the hog things are fine oh he was a hog hard i said the hardest thing i ever said with Hogs fat guy or big dick

Fat guy Brutal I've got word on the street Word on the street This man was very flamboyant Very shocking To go from one It's usually you swing

You go from one gay guy to a straight guy She went real fag to deep Even bigger fag Sorry I've been saying fag a straight guy She went real fag to deep Even bigger fag Sorry I've been saying fag a lot My mom's a fag I'm allowed to say fag No I said the hardest thing ever Cause she moved in up the street

And I go yo you can do whatever you want Oh I do eat fags I see what you mean Sorry yeah keep going The guys I date. Oh, cigarettes. I'm catching up. Yeah. I'm like a toucan on your shoulders. Hold this for a second. I'm going to repeat everything you said. Thank you. All right, go ahead. Finish your story.

Oh, she moved in up the street. And I go, you can do whatever you want. I just flinch. What's up? Bobby Kelly, one time I clapped in his podcast studio and he was like, could you please not break our sound equipment Yeah Okay go ahead

Yeah when you clap a bunch of crows fly out of a forest somewhere Yes Like the village I listened to Korn today speaking of crows Love Korn Don't like them What? Korn or crows?

Korn What about the crow? Two Which had Korn in it Slipknot I like better than Korn Yeah of course No Slipknot rules They it. Slipknot. I like better than corn. Yeah, of course. No.

Slipknot rules. They're ironically Slipknot rules. Okay. Unironically. I listen to them seriously. What about Disturbed? No, thank you. Okay.

Okay. I'll use that. How you feel about Slipknot is how the reality of what corn is. See, that doesn't make sense. Rules. You started to tell a story earlier, and I trampled it it and I'd like you to finish. You're very sweet. Thank you, Jordan. We are growing. Or ours was one of us. You're growing but you're not showing. Yeah. Well,

I will show you my growth when I interrupt you and then I let you go. I would love to see that. I don't think it's going to happen. Wow, fucking. I think because we have a gentle soul here, but when we have an antagonistic incel like we did before, I think that's when you get a little activated. Okay.

Yeah. You were surrounded. I was, you saw that, didn't you? I was, Ethan wasn't taking my side. He was rocking.

Yeah. He's stimming over there. He was stimming. My boy was stimming. All right. He was brimming with stimming. He was a little stimmy. Stimmy boy. Yeah Yeah I'm just sitting behind him

And he was like yeah He was rubbing his skin Yeah What the fuck did I walk into You got grey Jeff over here Fucking honking and squeaking Grey Jeff I love the man wearing full grey outfit

Calling another man gray. Not my skin. Look at the fucking tone that I have. Totally. That's why you can wear gray. Jeff is the color of the witch in Looney Tunes. Yeah, exactly. How do we get that boy some color? I put some fucking bok choy into his diet.

Maybe some sunlight. Maybe something other than sweet potatoes and marshmallows for the love of God. Get him a goddamn coconut water. He's all cummed out. That's the only tuber he's ever eaten. Well, so thank you for saying tuber, because upstairs you were singing a different song. I was.

I was singing a different... I said that they were vegetables, but tubers? Tubers are starchy. Potato's a tuber. Yam's a tuber. Sweet potato's a tuber. What is this phrase of tuber? I've never heard of it.

Tuber is the genus or the species. Parsnip. Yeah. I know parsnip. Yeah, yeah. Do you think a parsnip is this phrase of tuber? I've never heard of it. Tuber is the genus or the species. Parsnip. Yeah. I know parsnip. Yeah, yeah. Do you think a parsnip is this, or do you think it looks like the carrot? A parsnip is the first thing.

It's a bulbous triangle. Yep. He thinks it's the... Oh, yeah, bulbous triangle. So what's a turnip? What's a parsnip? Turnip is what I do with the party. And then I po-up.

When I show up, it's all about the party. And then I pull up. When I show up, it's all about the glow up. Okay, what story did you want to tell me? You better be stimming to that, Ethan. Instead of going founded, I'm starting to go, I want to touch you. Let's be less intimate, but make it real.

If it's manly, it's not real. Do you want to be my brother? Give me a tiny little knuckle hug. Yeah, they're touching. Knuckle rubs. Touch your guys to my guys. I don't wash my hands, but I want to be polite. I never wash my hands.

I know you don't. Do you wash your hands after tape? Your palms reek. When you clapped, it made my eyes water. I do have a stinky palm. Garlic palm, Jensen. I turn on the fountain in the bathroom so people think I wash my hands, but I don't.

There's no fountains in bathrooms. What did I say? Dude, before COVID, I fake washed my hands. Fake it. We're fake. Yeah, if you're in a little apartment, crank the water on, stand there for eight seconds. Eight seconds is a long time. Why wouldn't you just wash them?

Touching something else gross while the water's on? There's only so much time in our lives. But you had eight seconds to fake it. Yeah, but if I'm washing. And they're wet. Yeah. You got to wipe on their towel. If I dump, I wash.

Sometimes. Oh, if you dump, you wash. Let's be honest. Unless it's a ghost poop, in which case, hey. I've never had that. You know what? That's an urban legend. My cheeks are so deep.

No, no, no, no. My cheeks are so deep that it's going to smear no matter what. Oh, let me tell you something. You got to pull and then sit. I'm not pulling and sitting. Tell him he's got to pull and then he's got to sit. I'll tell him, but I don't believe it. Really? You've never had a ghost poop?

I ghost poop, but without pull. You don't spread them? I got it on the cheeks and then got it on the hand yeah and then the thumb the hand right here in the web oh all over here yeah oh if you get it on the front you better call the cops yeah yeah it looked like i was making a thanksgiving turkey but with shit you You see my shit. Oh, no.

I didn't know it. It wasn't an intentional thing. Yeah, he was just trying some new stuff. Yeah, it was an oopsie. Okay, okay, okay. He was playing jazz. You can't smoke. There's only one spot where you can get it, and it's right there, and that's an accident. I can't get it.

I've got it on my wrist before. What are you talking about? I've got it on my elbow. You're not the arbiter of where my shit goes on my palms. You've never gotten it in your armpit. Come on. Yeah. You never had it behind your ear?

I got some bad stories. Oh, my God. You should have heard my Australia story. I made a mess. The Australia story. Is that because you had to wipe in the opposite direction? Exactly. Yeah, it swirled around.

No. My poop went into my body, not out. I had to do a land dedication before I wiped. I was with Tim Dillon down there, and then he left town, and I had shows. And I did my first show and drank like 14 pints of beer with the locals then had australian burger king and woke up like yes hungry jack they call it oh i thought you were saying that it was a burger king but australian no they call it hungry jack in australia gotcha and i was afloat in just a sea of my own brown liquids i woke up just washed ashore in my own calamity.

You pooped your pants? I pooped the bed. You pooped your bed. I woke up with it between my shoulder blades and was like, oh, no. Did you make a poop angel? It was no angel. There was no God involved in this.

No belief system would allow this to happen to one of its own. Who's the guy you got a cameo from from season two of Love on a Spectrum? That was in his bed. That dude was in his bed. Michael? Yeah, Michael.

No, this was Baccarat. Or what was his name? That's not his name! Is it Calvin? Was it? My daddy's here. Was it him? No, no, no.

It was Buffat. It was the Indian guy that looked like Slimer. My neighbor Totoro. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. That guy. Brutal.

That's so fucked up that they had him on that show. It's even more fucked up what I made him say. What did you make him say? The first video Ian gets is just a ceiling fan and darkness. Oh, no. That's the first try. What's his name? Gorp Gorp?

That Totoro sent. Borscht. Show him. Weenie, weenie, weenie. I know his name. He's all smushed. He's all smushed. He's like this all the time and nodding.

Yes. Yeah. He's all teeth when he smiles. He might. Remember those tumors that were coming out that had teeth and hair? Yes. Yeah. His name's Subdo. Sub Yeah. His name's Subdo.

Subod. His name's Subod. Yes. He looks like a resorb twin. Oh. Oh, God. The absorb twin. Exactly.

Oh, Subod. Don't say his name. He's like a star. Yeah. He was on Netflix. Yeah. Why isn't it playing? Well well it has a slur filter hello subot are you there

hello ian i made you a video because you requested it yeah yeah that's really good yeah i'm subot wow hello my girlfriend has Down syndrome. Yeah, you have to have the heads up like this. Yeah. I don't know if she can consent. I love you, Subban. I'm not gonna say it. Yeah, it's okay. That's for the patron. It's bad. I'll read it. No, no, no. I'll read it in his voice.

No, don't. That's even worse. It's fine. Just read it regular. Something special about them It's Blanche's birthday Don't do it in that voice And she is fending it with we Todd Ed Oh no

You made a guy say it Who doesn't know what it means You made a guy say we Todd Ed And beans That's the cat's name Please let her know she's special And would kill it On the minus background

Ian you got this for your cat Please be sure to say all of this and add more if you'd like Thanks Subad Birthday He didn't have to say that He does he's programmed You put the note in the golem's mouth He has no free will dude

Let's chat GPT. It's free will. That's chat subot. That's chat subot. Yeah. He likes cooking. He said we, Todd. And you even put an extra E on the end of we, just in case.

He said we, Todd. And he goes we, Todd. So he didn't say we're todded. God. You're a real puppet master over there. No, I'm not. How Machiavellian of you This is chess

It ain't checkers Yeah you put to work one of God's perfect angels For your own entertainment He got paid Yeah what 35 Australian dollars Wow So you know what You're okay

Say whatever I make you say dickhead His head looks like a chode. Play it. That's not it. I don't know why my thing won't play. It's probably connected to some earphones or something. Yes. Yeah, you're real Sue Bott on this one, Ian.

I can't believe that that show is legal. I can't. I cry all the time when I watch it. Season two was, that season was too fucked up. I'm moved by it. When their parents are like, he's come so far. I used to confuse chocolate and dirt and now he has his own apartment.

It's amazing. I don't like it. I just want to hug him and love him and make him say we toddlers. I think that I could have a disabled child. What I don't like is that they put them on dates together. It's like taking two toddlers and being like, now fuck. It's like a Pokemon battle. Yes.

Yeah, I know. It's not okay. And also, I don't like when they have the Spectrum kids go on a date with someone with Down syndrome. The Down syndrome? That's wild. Although with Subod, he was actually more, he was further off than even the Down syndrome. Yeah, she had the upper hand. He was actually pretty with it.

Yeah, I know. She was very with it. Just like my wife and I I thought I was special But no, she's the queen How is the old wife? She's the best I see you posted pictures, you like her

What recommendations could you have for two people Who seem to not do well with love? I think you need to be with people who are equally driven Who have equal needs as you To pursue their own dreams coming true. Sorry, what are you saying? I'm looking for this... You want this guiglo.

With this guy with a bad brain. I made him say things. Sorry, sorry, sorry. That's alright. How big is that file of people that you've tricked? Yeah, right. Just go to all of the people oh i found him

god can't defend himself it's not even here it's john oliver john oliver in your hat who made that photo i did and then i made him say please kill me oh who'd you send that to? Who had to pretend laugh at that? Oh, no. It was a joke. Who'd you send it to? No shit, it was a joke.

Who did you send that photo to that had to go LMAO while they sat dead faced looking at that photo? One of my group chats. Okay. So you think they have to be equally driven? Yes. Are those hokas? Yes, of course. I got them. The ultimate walking shoe for the ample-bodied gentleman. I have a Bondi.

Bondi. Yeah, I had those. Those are cool. Weaves are bonded over Nike Monarchs. I wear Monarchs a lot, dude, but that heel snaps and digs into your Achilles and then you're bleeding blood. That happens with my Nikes. I know. Yeah.

Better than bleeding jizz. Hurts a lot. Maybe if you guys wore adequate socks like these, not like those. Ugh. No. See that? Ankle socks only.

Ugh. That's a looming model. It's like you're wearing his poop story. Yeah. Where did the sun go? Look at these guys. Look at those. What are those, nine?

You know why these boys are on? Because I wear them every day, but also picking up the old motorcycle today. Good for you. Getting it from the shop. You're going to feel so much better. Am I? I think I'm going to die on it. I feel it coming.

I don't want you to stop. I got a big old helmet. Full face. Do you go by Juicy Jordan? It's actually Dr. J. You're smoking? I mean, if you're smoking, I wouldn't want to be rude. Yeah, do it.

I'm dueling. Yeah. We're grown. We're grown. I have this device. Oh, let me hit that thing. Elf bar. Elf bar.

Elf bar. I do not like that. I don't either. I'm Robo Subad. Okay, that's the name of the episode. Robo Subad. Sean Patton did a Robo Pop with Jamaican accent.

Funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Robo Pop. Really good. And he was fucking somebody? I'm the lead singer of the Bad Manners I'm doing a ska festival And Bad Manners are headlining I love that guy

The best Special Brew, one of my favorite songs It's such a sweet song I knew this would get his attention back Ska I wish our promo code wasn't Ska Although just a saying like Ska Make me want to get into it the less depressed I get the more into Ska I become

it's fun music it's mirthful but when I'm listening to hardcore it's because I'm not feeling well because I feel alive and it inspires me to move forward you and me touch me but I need to get pulled out of the darkness so I listen

to the hardcore but then when I listen to the hardcore. But then when I listen to the ska, I'm like, no, that's a little too far. You know what I mean? That's too... You should listen to Link 80. They're a good mix between hardcore and ska. I just put on Aquabats. Oh my god, we had a bad, bad thing with Aquabats.

Who's we? Oh, we. Us. Jordan, take it away. We went to see Less Than jake did you see him were you going on purpose or they just on the bill somehow on purpose on purpose and i as a mall goth used to listen to bowling for soup yeah and the aquabats were opening and bowling for soup so aquabats were the most atrocious things i mean it bummed me out to a level that i left mid bowling for soup didn't even watch Less Than Jake. They played for an

hour. Aquabats? Aquabats played for an hour. They played Fury of? Bowling, yes. I was skanking. Bowling for Soup played for an hour and then Less Than Jake played and they all, Less Than Jake like phoned it in. Oh, God. Do you know what they didn't phone in? Putting a

comedy routine of themselves between every single song. They were doing skits. Like a rap album. That was bowling for soup. And Aquabats. We got a new guy, Jimmy. It was like a puppet show. Really horrifying. Yeah, but what do you expect? It's the Aquabats.

Stop picking. Stop picking at it. If you pick it, you gotta eat the scab. No, Ian. Ian picking at it. If you pick it, you gotta eat the scab. No, Ian. Ian Ignatius. Last night he picked a big one off. That's tough stuff. Can you spit that? Can you please spit it out? You're gonna have inky and you're stinky.

No, here's the thing. I hate wet stuff. You don't want in give a thingy I don't want to give a thingy Now we sound like Subodh Oh God Nelly Our producer used to Or one of our two producers

Used to pick and eat her scabs off As a kid every day God damn it I would have to watch her She would pick them off No no no Yeah I think she did eat them. Actually, I don't remember if she ate them.

Whoa, Nelly. She would eat them. No, dude. I just took my hoodie off. I should have known she was a lesbian when she was eating her own flesh like that. I ate my own flesh. What do you mean? My boogers. You were a booger eater? I am a booger eater.

You're a... Current day? Current day. Please don't say thatoger eater? I am a booger eater. You're a... Current day? Current day. Please, please, please don't say that's true. I actually cannot look at you. It gives you good mucus. Can you please... It gives you good...

Can you please say that... Germs. Like a big one you like? The bigger the better. Oh my God. I can't... Then what are you doing here? I quit the podcast.

I quit the podcast. Why? If you pull out like a juicy one... I'm not going to do it in front of people. What is this? Make Jordan puke? Like that size? No.

Do you roll them up and then eat them? Or do you just eat them? I look and go, what a masterpiece. I can't. What a masterpiece. We can't. I can't. Please tell me.

What a masterpiece. Is this true? I thought it was only gingers and I thought it didn't go past the sixth grade. No, everyone eats a little booger. You eat your booger. I used to. I've engaged. And hey, sometimes nowadays when you're alone on the road.

You do not eat. Tell me one reason that makes you put it in your mouth. Well, because I'm a texture eater. Oh my God. You're simping? What's it called? What? What's he doing?

Oh, stimming? You're stimming? I don't stim. You're stimming with your books? I can be less on the fucking spectrum. He's no stim. Then what are you texturing for? What are you texturing for?

Because the tongues had every dance in the rodeo ball. You know, every flavor I've had in there. Really? So you need to make a ball out of the booger and make that into a rodeo? I recently took a bite out of Play-Doh to impress my niece. Play-Doh's fine. Eat up. Booger's unacceptable. I'd say twice a year I took a bite out of Play-Doh to impress my niece. Play-Doh's fine. Eat up. Booger's unacceptable. I'd say twice a year

I'll gobble one. Play-Doh tastes good. Play-Doh is not the worst. It's very salty. It tastes like a hand. If you make a Play-Doh like a cylinder, it feels like a penis. There we go. Suck it. Munch it.

Pop it. Twist it. Pull it. Suck it. Whyunch it. Pop it. Pop it. Twist it. Pull it. I feel so bad for Gail. Suck it. Why? Just walking in on you blowing Play-Doh. Just walking in on you sucking.

Tell the folks at home who Gail is. My mom. Your mother. Yes. Mommy Gail. Mommy Gail. Mommy Gail never saw me blowing Play-Doh. You have like six moms.

That's your thing? Donna, Kaz, and Michelle. That's your angle? Yeah. Yeah, they're not real. I have two normal Midwestern parents You know what? I believe you for sure

Because having lived in Ithaca I know what goes on up there How long did you live in Ithaca? On and off for like three years Because My best friend went to school at IC What's his name? Clay DeHaan

Don't know him 2005 to 2009 Six foot six, bleach blonde hair Maybe 140 pounds Clay base Yeah, he needs a coconut water Han. Don't know him. 2005 to 2009. Six foot six, bleach blonde hair. Maybe 140 pounds. Played bass. Yeah, he's he needs a coconut water. He's cummed out. Oh, Clay, he does alright. Clay. Yeah, so he went up there

and then I went up there to be in a band with him and we lived in a commune together. What kind of band? Ghost Cat? Hardcore band. No, not Ghost Cat. Goblin House. Goblin House? I know about Ghost Cat. You do know? I lived right across the street from Ghost Cat. Really? Yep. Right across the street. Goblin House. Goblin House. I know about Ghost Cat. You do know. Yeah. I lived right across the street from Ghost Cat. Really? Yep.

Oh, shit. Right on Aurora. We really looked down at them. Did you? Yeah, because they were so up their own ass. And we're like, we're literally cutting our heads off our own chickens up here. We're making our own meat. Oh, you really were.

Yeah. They were down in Ithaca. What did they have? They had, talk about tubers. That's all they had. If that. What is happening right now? We're connecting.

Sammy's Pizza. Sammy's Pizza. The best pizza. Go back, go back. These were flop houses? Ghost Cat Collective is a communal house that was across the street from my mom's. My mom, who then took

her whole area and made it into an actual sustainable living community with five different houses, one shared garden, put Ghost Cat in their place. But I would go over there get some patches from bands they'd play in the backyard you'd share nelly me and nelly would go bring some kale over they wouldn't let our band play there because we're too extreme yeah yeah they liked folk yeah they liked folk punk they liked this bike is a pipe bomb yeah i think i saw ghost

mice there one time i saw wood spider the acoustic revolution yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah fuck oh i saw pat the bunny play there one time and that saw Woodspider. Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Boo. Yeah, fuck. I saw Pat the Bunny play there one time and that was cool. They would love like Trampled by Turtles. Right, yeah. Planet X Records. You guys could just make names up and I'd be like, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Undie and the Skidmarks.

The Booger Eaters. The Thwack Pack. I know. Plato Dick Suckers. My heart's in my throat and I cannot swallow. Chad Chisuba swallow There was a band From Wilmington, Delaware when I was in a band Called My America is Watching Tigers Die Yeah, I know Wow, that sounds bad

My America is Watching Tigers Die So dumb But my band's name was Sock Full of Pennies P-E-N-N-Y-Z That's how you know it's good with the Z's Like Crown of Thorns Holy shit, that guy's scary We know it's good with the Z's. Like Crown of Thorns. Holy shit, that guy's scary.

We're going to have him on the podcast. Man, I'm scared. Danny Diablo. I'm thinking about getting a gold tooth. I was just saying upstairs that I've wanted a gold tooth forever and my wife said no, no. Which one? That's the good one. Well, I think you're supposed to do this one. You'd look fucking dope with that. What do you think about there?

See how there's kind of a space? You want everyone to see it. You have a little guy. You should get braces. I did have braces. I ripped them off myself. Why? In my bedroom.

So that I could say to your friend. No, it's not. Because she said that she wants to get a tooth to disappear that. So get braces to make it better. No. I asked. Patreon No. I asked. Patreon gold. I asked them. 2,500. I said Invisalign,

can you bring them back out? They said no. What I would need is the plate thing that I would vomit into. Remember that thing? Oh, yeah. So here's what I can do. Gold tooth. Yeah. Look at my teeth. They're perfect. I've never had a cavity. Beautiful teeth. Except for this. You look so much like a cat. Thank you. So much. You have beautiful teeth. Except for this. You look so much like a cat. Thank you.

You look like a Cheshire cat. Oh my God. It's unbelievable. I've never seen that before until now. Oh yeah, he's a little kitty. I love cats. Oh boy. I know, it's fucked up.

Hey, put some milk in my bowl. Yeah. If you had a shit, there's a box up there for you. If you had little cat ears. That's why the Japanese revered me. Yes. I went over there and they were laying down palm fronds for me to walk on. Wouldn't it be funny if we went

upstairs and Sam was just curled up on one of my cat shelves? Just shitting in a cage. Also, your cat's name is Sam Sun. Whoa. And I stick to my story. Wow. Wow. It's like son of Sam. My podcast is called Chubby Behemoth because

son of Sam, when he wrote that scary letter, he called himself like a bunch of scary names, he thought. One of them was son of sam when he wrote that scary letter he called himself like a bunch of scary names he thought one of them was son of sam and the other one was the chubby behemoth and he thought that was going to strike fear into the hearts of new york and me and my buddy nathan the co-host of my pod when we read that we were like no way imagine being a guy who kills people and you're sitting down like yes yes this is, this is my magnum opus. C-H-U-B-B. He had to put both those B's next to each other and go, so the second B's

really going to bring it home. They call me the string bean slayer. That's amazing. The chunky monkey coming to get you. The little baby bubby bub is going to come knocking on your window. They call me the little stinker killer.

I'm going to get you. They call me the meanie weenie. The putrid pantload. I'm coming for you. They call me the Buddha, the Buddha bubby. The wacky wad. It's going to rain hell. There'll be blood in the gutters.

The rambunctious rapist. Here he comes. That one's kind of scary. Anything with rapists. It's like the frantic fucker. I don't likeist. Here he comes. That one's kind of scary. Anything with rapist. It's like the frantic fucker. I don't like that. That scares me. No, it's good.

Static statutory rapist. We're laughing. Too bad Berkowitz didn't hire you to do punch up on that. I know, right? We would have killed it. Literally. The letters that he wrote. Now, here's the theory.

There was more than one son of sin. I saw the doc. What do you think? I think it's intriguing and fun to live in that world. You don't agree. I have no idea. I watched it and I was like, huh. Then I went back to whatever else I was doing. See, here's where we differ. I immediately watched it again and then bought the book that the documentary was based on and became

obsessed with it and have basically forgotten everything I read. Dude, that book is awesome. I read that That book is awesome. I read that book. Is it The Son of Sam? I think I have it here. You have my book there. Thank you. That's very kind. It's been there.

It's been there. People have hit me up. It's been very nice. Great book. I've got to support you, man. It's a fantastic book. Thank you. Question. Writing something like that, do you Of course. Gotta support you, man. It's a fantastic book. Thank you. Question. Uh-oh. Answer. When writing something like that,

do you, because when I read that, it strikes fear into me because I don't want that to be my life. It's easy to write when you fear becoming. It's also so wildly relatable. Did you feel when writing that, did you have a fear at all

that people would think that this was solely based on your life? Yes, people think I'm a cocaine fiend who likes to double team people. Yeah. Yeah, and I've done cocaine very few. I've done it enough to know what it tastes like, you know. A few less times of boogies. Yeah, well, you know I'm allergic to coke.

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No one is less ridiculous over here. All right? It's an equal. Can I retell it? Absolutely not. With the pit vipers on? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. With the pitpipers on? Absolutely not. Can I tell it with the pitpipers on? You can retell it, and I will laugh.

Go ahead. With the pitpipers on? Yes, take them. I need the pitpipers. Okay. Turn your head around backward, too. I feel like you had to do the pump fake to get it off. You know I'm allergic to cocaine.

Every time I do it, I break out in handcuffs. I couldn't even force it. I couldn't even force it. I couldn't even force it. You know what? No one gets the glasses. Give them to me. Can we trade? You're going to throw up.

I need these. Huh? I want to throw up. Okay. Well, you've been trying. I'll pod. Here we go. You've been making me with your disgusting poopy hands.

Oh, wow. Dude, I'm the nasty boys. If I can see you, I bet it looks pretty cool. Are ya? Oh, no way. Let me get a better look. Aww. Isn't that great? Are my eyes really big or really small? You look hot.

What? Yeah, you look like an environmental lawyer that's going to get me on. Sam also can't see. We can't see each other. Look, I'm like the bad boy cat at Thompson Square. No, you look cool. No, I can't quite see it,

but I'm pretty sure the four of you look really cool. You look like a lot of girls I risked it all for. Really? Yes. Nice. 2008.

Oh, my God. Will you take a picture because I can't see myself. I'm taking a picture with my mind. I'm filing it away. I'm never forgetting it. Under wood. Ethan, are they making fun of me or is it real?

No, you're going to pop into my head tonight. Really? Yeah. Wow, maybe I'm buying some glasses. I'm going to J-O to J-J. Yeah. You're going to pop into his head before he pops into his hand. Oh, don't ever look at me like that again.

Oh, boy. That was... Remember everything I said just etch-a-sketched. I'm liking what I'm hearing. What? What? What was that? Stop giving me that bug-eye look.

Wait, wait, wait. I can't see. Tell me more about water rights. Yeah, really. I'll listen to you talk all night. Anyway, the Ghost Cat Collective believes that when you walk through the door, what's ours is yours and what's yours is ours. Yeah, but please don't flush.

Wait, if I go like this, I can kind of see. Yeah, that's how you looked at me and it really made me almost puke. What? Violent. Yeah. I'm going to kill it with sound. All right. I am nauseous I am super nauseous

This is crazy Wanna switch? Pass them around We're having fun with the things we need Let me see You look actually pretty good Let me look at you Pass I might just need. Let me see. You look actually pretty good. Let me look at you.

Pass. You know what? I should probably be getting home. Touch me, I'm sick. Oh. No. Yeah. Uh-uh. You'll get none of this I'm ready to give up this lifestyle It's great

How do I look in these? How do I look in these? Yeah, pretty good I didn't touch my stepdaughter. And if I did, she was begging for it. Who said that? No.

Not me. You look like you're going to fix pipes on a submarine. It's like the moon needs to see. Oh yeah, this is unpleasant. needs to see. Oh, yeah. This is unpleasant. Switch a room. Oh, my God. Homeostasis achieved.

Everybody's right where we should be. I just blacked out. Oh, no. It's cool even. Oh, wow. No, we don't need another one. Are these my old glasses? These are yours?

You have those glasses? You wear big Coke bottle glasses? Oh, goo. Oh, yeah. Your final form. Do not lie. I know I'm Ethan I only care about sneakers

And girls with short hair Nothing wrong with short haired gals It's not short hair It's girls with short brain stems Okay They're e-girls And they're trash Oh man

I saw Ethan with a gal the other night Stick and poke Stick You saw him with a what? What's wrong with stick and poke? I got a stick and poke I don't like stick and pokes Says daddy How many tats you a what? What's wrong with stick and poke? I got a stick and poke I don't like stick and pokes Says daddy

How many tats you got Sammy? What? Ethan have you been with any e-girls recently? Have we given them up? Whoa Look at this graveyard of poor decisions One of you You've added to that

Oh No I've had I just wear long sleeve shirts a lot These are all in the home Really? These are all in the home. Really? These are all home guns. This was done by a former white supremacist. Really?

Yeah. What do you mean in the home? What's it say? I am so dizzy from your glasses. This was a home tattoo. That says 303. This is a Minutemen lyric. That says Haram.

You did them? No, no. This guy who got out of jail and was staying at my version of Ghost Cat House, Mouth House in Denver. He got out and was like, I can't pay rent or anything. Mouth House? Well, I can give you all tattoos. That's opposite. Mouth House. Oh, Mouth House, Mouth House in Denver. He got out and was like, I can't pay rent or anything. I can give you all tattoos. That's opposite. Mouth House. Oh, Mouth House. Mouth House. That's Ian's favorite place to go.

He's paying the rent without any money. I'm looking for something that ain't Play-Doh. I'm knocking on the door. I'm setting up shop. You are a kitty cat. Interior decorated with my tongue. You know who you are? Have you ever seen Cats? You're kitty cat. I'm going to interior decorate with my tongue. You know who you are? Have you ever seen cats?

Yeah. You're the cat. The big cat. My tongue is. He's a jellicle cat. He's the one. And they all say, oh, well, there never was an ever. The cat's so clever.

You're that cat. I don't know the names of the kittens. Which one's that cat's name? But I live the lifestyle. Mr. Mercephalus? Ian's worried about his sticker coming off? What the fuck was that? Shut up, Sam.

Jesus Christ. Leave me alone. You're a cat. Guilty as charged. What if I was? Whoa. You are. Somebody put a curse on you in your final form.

You get to go back to being a little cat. Finally, I can just drink cream. Your wife is kind of a cat too. You're both kind of kitties. What would I be? Two cats on the one. Gecko. What the fuck are you saying? What's wrong with Gecko? I am not a gecko. You are in the lizard family.

Yeah. Really? Komodo dragon. Oh, you know what? Your story is Komodo dragon. Oh, you know what? Your story is Komodo dragon. Huh? Come on. We're riffing with words. Yeah. No, no, please. Go to

welding mode again. Tell me more about your motorcycle. I think dinosaur is what you're thinking. I think I look like a dinosaur. You're like one that's spitting Newman's face. I wish you'd be extinct. You want to talk about stink? Poopy hand? Okay.

What animal am I? Oh, let's do this. He's not big enough. Otter. 100% otter. They're cute. They sleep on their backs and hold their lover's hand. They always have to be holding somebody. You're always eating muscles off of your chest.

I'll take otter. Otter's good. You do eat exclusively in bed. Like an otter. You think I'm a baby dinosaur? I didn't say baby. I didn't put an age on it. Say not the mama say not the mama not the mama you might be that guy wow i'm the baby gotta love me about that guy

and one time my friend r.i.p helene looks at me and goes not the mama and it like sent me into a vortex of that show i shouldn't have been allowed to watch it that show was like and it was supposed to be about like a bigger thing and it was roseanne and the simpsons with dinosaurs no no i'd maybe it was high yeah maybe it was a crazy time more than what it was no it didn't go any deeper no it was right on right on the surface. Can you look up dinosaur show deeper meaning? Have you ever tried to Google something and you just don't have the word? Can you look up dinosaur did I think it? Can you look up dinosaur senior?

Can you look up my memories and see if they're right? You tab me into the mainframe. A ghost cat, man. That shit sends me. They were a bunch of fucking pieces of shit. They were up their own ass. They sucked. I was in a band called Red vs. Black

because we were like anarchist hardcore and we sounded like Lightning Bolt meets the Minutemen and we'd go to their shows and be like, so could we play? And they'd be like, I don't think that you fit the general, they't say vibe vibe wasn't a word yet but they definitely made us know that yeah we were not for their aesthetic right their aesthetic which was like isn't vegan cyclist yeah but isn't like punk rock all about accepting they weren't punk rock

punk rock these are kids who didn't want to live on campus at Cornell. That was too extreme. Who were in the ag school, the agricultural school. They sound too agro. No, they were the opposite. They were the hoop. There was a small hoop. What is that called? Hoop garden. Hoop garden. I knew a kid named Chase Hooping Garden.

I think he passed away. He did to another person. My God. Hooping Garden. He was a tough cowboy Was he a Native American? Hoop in garden And I'm sure that if he heard you say that He would come back and haunt you

Speaking of Native American I have a book of Native American Who are you going to call? Ghostbusters I have a book of Native American poetry if you'd like to read it No, I'd rather eat it Than hear them talk about The Harvest.

Oh, Bully Brigade. Upstate New York. Ethan, you know why that you're turned on by short-haired girls? Why is that? The end of Ghostbusters. Are you a god? Then die. That was the first movie that I saw. Zool imprinted on me.

Boy, howdy, do I get hard for gamine haircuts and rat tails you know what mine is wow uh yeah trinity from the matrix oh i thought you're gonna say like short-haired girls blues brothers 2000 nope nope not quite no the opposite actually the blonde woman from the matrix. What was her name? So Ghostbusters had, I don't know. Dana Barrett. She looks like your wife. Well, Dana Barrett. But yeah, Janine Melnitz also had short red hair. Yeah.

There were just two short haired little pixies in that movie. And I was eight years old and I was going. How old are you? 35. You're 35? That's right. You're 38. So when you were 38.

You didn't see Ghostbusters until you were eight? No, it was like my first memories were Ghostbusters. I think Lois Einhorn really had an influence on me. She had it happening. I want to see. She was a shemale. Oh, really? In Ace Ventura.

Oh, Finkel and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkel. When he eats the whole pack of gum. That's just Monica from Friends. Yeah. Babe. Well, you think that you were tricked into this lifestyle? You didn't just come out with this in your head already hot-wired for it? No, I know I was hot-wired for it.

Yeah, of course. It's not a choice. I will never forget. He's tried so hard to let it go. This entire aesthetic is no. Yeah. Like when you had my glasses. He was just a walking billboard of Push it down

and go away. No, I distinctly remember this boy I fooled around with in like first grade under the bathroom stall, which I realized the other day, I think that's why I like public hookups with men because it taps back into that bathroom stall thing.

But I'll never forget i drew a picture on a piece of paper uh with boobs uh someone with boobs and a penis i don't know where it came from but i was like this is the best and i slid it on his desk i was like what do you think of this whoa what did he say i don't remember You enticed him enough to join you in the stall. No, we had already been stall buddies. Oh, you didn't stall on that. And then he invited me to his mom's house because there was a hole in the bathroom

and we could watch his mom shower. And I went like, okay. And then he wanted to touch me while he looked at that. And then I said, I have to go. I think we need a commercial break. A commercial break. I don't know. What was this kid's name?

I'm not telling. Listen to me. Can I guess? All I know is that he touched my wiener in front of everyone and I beat him up and he didn't come to school. Good job. His name was either Igby or Augie. For sure.

No, but he was a kid that had like his ear pierced in first grade. Oh, fuck. And the spiky haircut. Oh. He watched his mom shower. Mullet? Yeah. Little Theo Vaughn. So he, Theo Vaughn, shout out. I think he might be gay. That's my theory. What? I have a gaydar like a heat-seeking missile.

Why? I think Theo might be gay. I'd marry him. Nope. I'd marry him. Yeah. See? Because he's giving off a little gay. That's my theory. What? I have a gaydar like a heat-seeking missile. Why? I think Theo might be gay. I'd marry him. He's just from the swamp. Nope. I'd marry him. Yeah, see? Because he's giving off a little gay. Just like Justice.

Justice isn't giving off a little gay. Yes, he is. I'd give everything I want to be his wife. Are you talking about the ideal or is there a person

named Justice? Just Justice. Because I'll say Justice is queer. That's for sure. Yeah. Lady Justice. See you later.

It's fun to goof. It's so much fun to goof around It's fun to see things we don't really think I know, it's so much fun to goof around It's fun to make your friends goof So did he touch your penis while looking at his naked mother? Wow Were you looking at the mother or looking at him? I don't know what's worse

I was looking at the mom and looking into my soul. I think that's okay. I think you're in the best possible space. She had fat hangers. Fat hangers. Nothing better than that. Big milk. Oh, my God.

But yeah, I didn't like that feeling. So I asked to go home. He was like, hold on, Ian. I'll be right out. I'll drive you home. Hold on. My boy's got to finish. As soon as Connor's done. Yeah. He wanted home. Hold on, my boy's got to finish. He'll come right out.

As soon as Connor's done. Yeah. He wanted to play penis tag or pee pee tag, he said. Oh no. Which is where you touch the person on the penis and then they have to chase you and touch them on the penis. Oh yeah, I know all about these games. I was the inventor of this game.

And I'll never forget, I chased him and then grabbed him by the shirt when he spun around. I punched him for touching my dick in public, which is something we did in private. Oh, you really betrayed that boy. Is he still alive? The poor thing. Don't touch my pecker in public.

You were lovers. No, we weren't. You were private lovers and he wanted to exhibit some PDA and you punched him in public. He introduced putting his penis into my mouth. That was a new thing he introduced. He was like, wow,

we tried this. He trusted you. He said, oh. Are you like Big League Jew? Then you'll love this. It's my pink little dick. You did betray him. You betrayed him. He said, oh, Ian didn't bite down on my dick. That means we're in love. And then he tried to show it publicly. He said, oh, Ian didn't bite down on my dick.

That means we're in love. And then he tried to show it publicly. He touched my penis in public. You sucked his dick in private. He made me put my dick in his mouth first, and then I'm a polite man, so I reciprocated. I didn't want to. Can we not expose another incident of you being molested on this podcast? I wasn't molested.

That's molestation. It was Keith. That's the voice of a guy he's lying. Get in your mouth. Friends hate it. I wasn't molested. He forced you to suck

every episode of this podcast. Stop it. Stop it. It's even revealing. You listening cat ghost? The first episode of this podcast. I just spin and float away.

I was never here. I'll see you in Wonderland That's what he called his house Spelled O-N-E Cause you were his number one Dude I was never I've never I've never engaged

In any homosexual acts And I feel like I haven't lived A bold enough life And that in and of itself Is a homosexual act. It sucks. I know. Ian has been raped multiple times.

Oh God. So let's not call him homosexual acts. You're right. Okay. God. No. It starts with you being like this kid. I beat his ass up after he touched my dick.

Little bitch. I got his ass. Saw his mom get his ends with him. Getting fucking mouth raped. Yeah, Ian's like, you better repack the lunch. Just getting skull fucked. bitch. I got his ass on his mom's hands with him. You better pack a lunch. That lunch is my dick. Eat up. You better pack a lunch because you ate mine earlier.

Now it's gone. Okay. I'm going to stim. It's unreliable. We all unveil things. I, you know. I might have been groomed by my stepbrother. Oh yeah, you bang your stepbrother.

That's your thing. That's your hook. I've seen my father come before. What the heck. Yeah. Moment of silence. What happened? I looked through the hole.

How many holes are in these fucking homes Over here? God We grew up in bad areas What's going on? She didn't I know where she grew up I think it's way different

From where my daddy lived Oh yeah The lesbians lived in Ithaca My daddy lived in Lansing Remember Lansing? Oh he lived in Lansing? Yeah In that house made of glass

Where he'd jerk off Yes Yes the whole house I used to pay the nickel I took the ride The Swiss cheese house That's what he called it God lived in Lansing? Yeah. In that house made of glass where he'd jerk off? Yes. Yes, the whole house. I used to pay the nickel. I took the ride. The Swiss cheese house. That's what he called it. God damn it.

Lansing. Lansing. Trumansburg. That's a very nice place. I would love to have a house in Trumansburg. Lansing. New York. Where the mall is, but further.

It's a bad place. It's not a hoot and a holler. No. What's a hoot and a holler? It's a hoot and holler no what's a hoot and holler it's a fun time for the fellas and the gals and no one else no in between in lansing that's right that's right yep you ever seen cry baby no oh yeah it's a great film it is yeah. Yeah. That's Lansing. That's a hoot and holler.

Cry Baby Johnny Depp. You would love Cry Baby. Yeah. Johnny Depp. That's what we're going to live stream. Oh, Hatchet Face. I love Hatchet Face. I almost got a Hatchet tattoo today because of Hatchet Face.

You guys just get tattoos all the time? Mm-hmm. I need more tattoos. Let's go. Yeah. I'm going tomorrow. Let's go. You're going tomorrow?

Yeah. Where are you going? You're going tomorrow? I i thought it was next week i'm going next week too nice tomorrow getting a big tiger up here whoa watch out it's coming i'm gonna get steve-o on my back with steve-o on his back with steve-o on his back with steve-o on his back wherever have you seen these women to get tattoos on their breasts what it's horrifying where of what like right around the guy no they don't they do and then the nipple will be like the clown's nose or something no i always utilize the nipple as something oh i did want to get the michael jordan nike symbol with the balls my nipple that's good yeah chest tat nasty i only have this one

they're betsy over there who's that my mom oh that's beautiful yeah chest tat nasty i only have this one there betsy over there who's that my mom oh that's beautiful i have my mom's name right here that's nice and i also have mom right here oh nice we went in deep for mom yeah i got mom and dad on on roses on my leg my most embarrassing tattoo is either never not funny or friendship those are both brutal did you get friendship with someone else that's my friend's handwriting. That's my friend Bobby Crane. And then they tattooed over it. And why did you do that?

Because there was a guy with a gun. A tattoo gun. Yeah, exactly. Memorialize this. Bobby's a lawyer now. So you went arms first for tattoos. I went toes. I went leg first.

I have an Against Me lyric right here. Nice. What is it? The advantage is taken when no one is looking. That's right. Wow. That's a bit. I have Bob Dylan, Ramona.

Please knock it off. Yep. The other day, Ian was sitting here trying to tell a story for so long, and I kept interrupting him with farts over and over. Oh, dude, it was so good. It was so good. Real farts or mouth farts?

Real farts. Real farts. Yep, I had eaten a lot of prunes. Yeah, it was really on point. What is Ramadan? It was great. Yep, prune. They love figs.

They love a good fig. Fig pigs. I'm not a fig pig. I am a prune. Goon. Go love a good fig. I'm not a fig pig. I am a prune goon. Easy. Chill. This isn't a Patreon. I gotta text the

motorcycle mechanic real quick. We've all been there. Classic issue. Right around 7 o'clock. Better text Tex. Just call him what he is. Your sponsor. Damn it. You're not supposed to out people in the program.

You got raped, Ian. While watching a boy's mom shower. That's the story you told. We were goofing. We were making up hoot and holler goofs. That's all it is. It's fun times sillies. Yeah, man.

Yeah, no, I don't know. I had a friend who was a cow. What? As a child. There was a cow who lived next door and I'd feed it blueberry cereal. And I think it made it pass away. You've had a... I had a cow friend that lived across the fence you fed it cereal yeah i'd go out there with a box of cereal or a bag of cereal and it died it didn't we went to visit my grandma one time it wasn't there when

i came home i don't think you killed it i was like what i was like mom what happened to theodore she was like who the fuck's theodore and i was like the cow and she was like, who the fuck's Theodore? And I was like, the cow. And she was like, what's going on? Oh, boy. You need to be more active in your life. I had a beta fish, and I sprayed myself with Axiodor, and I go, do you want to smell good? Lord knows you're not having an alpha fish. Sorry. And I go, do you want to smell good, too?

And I sprayed a little thing, and the next day he died. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I got drunk one time, bought two fish meat, one for me, one for my boyfriend. We got into a big fight, took the fish right out of the bowl, threw it at him, felt real bad, picked it up off the ground, put it in the bowl, it swam a little bit, next day

it was dead. I feel bad about it this very day. You used a fish as a weapon? Yes. As well as a knife and other weapons. Oh, cool. I woke up and my truck went blacked out holding a wrench that was so big there is no bolt I've ever seen that would fit this wrench, but I was asleep, wintered out holding a wrench that was so big there is no bolt I've ever seen

that would fit this wrench. But I was asleep, wintertime, holding a wrench. Don't know what I used it on, who I used it on, but that's how I woke up. Same night as the fish

is why I bring that up. If you would have told me that story with Ian's glasses on, I'd be Pingo Jones. What is that? Rock hard. Oh, yeah. You mean your glasses.

You like to use my glasses. Yeah, that's right. How do I get those glasses? What's the brand of those? They're $12 from Optical Biflex. From Dahmer's personal collection. I've been in these since I was a boy and everyone thinks I'm being a cool cat now.

No, it was $12. I had them in 2009 and it just didn't work well for me You don't have the face for it, you have a cool little small face Thank you And I have a feline frenzy face Those fit you well, for me it was very jarring And I used to wear a dickie all the time

Not a good look With a shaved head Wait, what? Like the cummerbund-esque thing What are you talking about? A dickie is a faux turtleneck. I know what it is, but in what world was that? And a Philly symbol.

I just got out of rehab. I was trying to, you know, re-brand. What vibe were you going for? What were you intending? Well, I was trying to make myself unappealing to the opposite sex. No, I thought you were trying to get... Stay out of relationships. I thought you were trying to be first chair cello at the Delaware concert hall.

Why else would you wear a fake turtleneck? I can't even begin to imagine. Because I got it at Goodwill and it was Phillies. I thought it was cool. Can I ask you something? I can go put it on. Why did you tell me to stay out of a relationship? Please don't. Because you need to concentrate on yourself and work the steps to better yourself and you can use other people's distraction

13th step. What's that? 13th step is when you have sex. I thought there was only 12 steps. Yeah, a new person in the program. Oh, do people do that a lot? That's why the bar is called the 13th step.'s that? 13th step is when you have sex I thought there was only 12 steps Thank someone else Yeah a new person in the program Oh do people do that a lot? That's why the bar is called the 13th step Is it really? Yeah it's a bad move

What do I do? What? Are you in the program? No but I need help Okay I think you New York people just always beat yourself up Because you're not allowed to be silly here No I have a lot of trouble

You're not allowed to be silly Well you are and that's why I like you so much yeah who's silly i know it's tough to listen to the cat i do all the time my guy upstairs in the deepest talks wait so you think new york people aren't allowed to be silly all the time i feel like you guys have a very serious tone with your comedy. You know what I mean? The royal you guys. Oh, of course.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And like out west and other places, it's like, let's goof and slap our bellies and use every part of the buffalo. And everyone here is like leaning against the wall, arms crossed. Well, we're angry. Yeah.

But you don't need to be. Because somebody just jerked off on us on the train. And made us look at their mom shower through all the walls. Right. Damaged people do come here. We don't have mountains to just wander around and let out our anger at. That's why I always thought Soder was such an exception to this place. You know what I mean? Because Soder's not angry.

Yeah, but doesn't he go back to Colorado relentlessly? No. Really? Yeah, no way. He lives here all the time Yeah Wow When did he move here

I think I was Two weeks ago He moved here from college So he went to college and then moved here So probably like 2007 or something My god I did feel when I moved here I had to be that like serious little writer guy

Yeah And like sit and just be like Yeah And then once i started like truly be like a silly fun guy like sebastian maniscalco broke out of me fucking better dude the pandemic so much better really kicked me into a next level of my stand yes because the notorious in finance set on the roof oh yeah that's right that was like a transformative moment yep he had a full mental breakdown on stage and it was the best stand-up set I have yet to see.

Same with what I would say in my top 10 stand-up sets of all time. You at the second show because I didn't see the first one at JFL. Weeping. I was weeping. I was just doing crab work with that Chinese guy. I couldn't breathe. Well, that's sweet of you. And it goes

a little something like this. Wait, you do my set and I'll do yours. What's up with those eyes? Horn if you're honky. Oh, no. The fridge liked it. The fridge liked the sillies. Oh, yes. You're welcome, fridge.

That's my nickname in high school. How did you think the word of your own piece of... Thank you. How did you think... Oh, fuck. This is why you play the games. Good God. You got to be on the field if you're going to score the points.

You got to play the games. Oh, my man. This is so much fun. You've got to be on the field if you're going to score the points. You've got to play the games. This is so much fun. You like it? This might be the most fun I've had doing a podcast in a long time. No way! Yeah, and I mean, not to say that the ones I haven't done, but I feel like this is much more of me being myself. Oh, I love that!

I'm a cat, you know? Yes, God, you are a cat. I love that. It's so cool to hear. It's really fun, man. It's so crazy. Yeah. It is. Want to see something really bad?

Huh? What? Go ahead and open that up. What? Open up that little cardboard thing. Take a look at that. Take a gander. What do you think about this?

Oh, my God. Pass. Pass. Pass. Yuck. Who are these young men? Stop, you can't cough like my father and dress me like he did at the same time. Oh God.

Take it home with you, Sam. It's yours. Can I have this? Yes. I'm going to cut holes in parts of it. I'll put it to work. Yeah. It's put it to work. Yeah. It's called a spit taking.

Did the looking through holes trigger you again? I'm worried about my friend. I am sweating. I don't think that's bad, actually. Well, it's cool, right? Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't like it.

Wow, you look fucking cool. Thanks. Right? Yeah. That's like a sexy rendering of you. How about this? A lot of people want that as shirts. How about this?

If we cut them out separately, I'll allow it to go on the wall. One on one side, one on the other? Wow. Yeah. Let's go. I love that. Yeah. You're the best.

I love you. I love you Catman Catman do more like Catman don't I hope this translates to the viewer Oh yeah The cameras aren't even on Ethan doesn't exist I hope this translates to the viewer. Oh, yeah. Because we're smoking on. The cameras aren't even on. Yeah, I know. Ethan doesn't exist.

You said catmando. You catmando. And then you let out. I'm just sweating so much. You let out a small wolf. You said catmando. Wolf. Oh, my God. Don't say Ethan doesn't exist anymore because Ian does have a small little bit of OCD in him that thinks that Ethan might not exist. He's really touched his hand.

Thank God. Someone let me in here. It wasn't Jeff Asmus. Oh, we have soup dumplings. We do. We have food. Oh, thank God. Let's eat. Let's eat. Asmus. Oh, we have soup dumplings. We do. We have food. Oh, thank God. We're in the gong.

Let's eat. Let's eat. I'm losing my heart right now. What do we got? Let's call it. Let's fucking eat. Asmus is going as bun, Patreon.

Yeah, fuck Asmus. Yeah, put Asmus behind the paywall. You're not going Let the dogs eat. What do you, what do you got coming up? Get them in. No.

What do you want? I have a podcast called Chubby Behemoth. Listen to that if you enjoy laughing. I will be in Philadelphia Helium, April 19th. Oh yeah. I would like to sell that out. We'll be there the 12th. We'll plug you. No one cares. Houston Secret Group, 420

Lafayette Comedy, the 21st. And then I'm going to Ecuador. So this is the worst time to do the circuit. But watch my Don't Tell set and follow at Sam Talent. T-A-L-L-E-N-T. Ethan, get on all fours. I want to eat off you. Set the table.

That's what I call it. It's killing me all right man All right, man. Turn the cameras off. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore