Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 041: Itchy & Scratchy W/ Brendan Sagalow

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

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Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. I wish there was a boat that we could load up all our friends on And then we would drive it into heaven I want our friends to die all at the same time And I'd like it to be now

I've been doing this thing where when cars are going on the road, I go, do you believe in God? And then I fake jump in front of them. Tell me he's real. Now, you ever think about like... Yo, I just play the Shafar

Thank you You should play and I should play the spoons No Burn the spoons Burn the spoons I'm gonna need you to burn the shoes Please You ever think about when you're on the subway like

Patreon.com slash B&E and pod Just like when the subway train is coming Touch the third rail Well not touch the third rail but like how.com slash beanie and pod just like when the subway train is coming touch the third rail well not touch the third rail but like how great it would be to just like lean forward and die point and smile patreon.com patreon.com

yeah all the time like some sort of like herpes or something I don't have herpes oh buddy I don't have herpes. Oh, buddy. I don't. I have fucking hives all over my body. Oh, gross. Herpes. No.

If he had them, they'd be called his peas. I had the doctor check. I've never had peas in my life. I had them check for his nisses. He says I have stress hives. This one just went away. Hive. Hive. He says I have stress hives. This one just went away. What's that one? Hive.

Hive. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I did a podcast recently. I told you that. That one was a hive. That was not a hive. Yes, it was. That was a hive.

Look. That was a herp. No. Oh, my God. They're everywhere. You look like a fucking, like a heroin addict. I know, dude. You look like an AIDS patient.

Look at that one. That one. Look at this one. Jordan's going to put a positive spin on it. He said they're stress hives. She's going to call them kisses from God. Is that what your doctor said? Yes, I just went and I grabbed him and I said, is this herpes? And he said, it is hives.

It is the same as all these things popping up. And they're from stress. Yes. Or he says I have to get blood work done, but he thinks they're from stress. He says they're from stress or sun. Or he says I have to get blood work done, but he thinks they're from stress. He says they're from stress or sun. Well, either way, cover up. Yeah. So, Brendan, you were on a podcast recently.

Yeah, they just sent me a clip that they're going to put out of me literally stealing something from a fucking kid. What was it? Were you like, damn, Daniel. No, but it might as well have been. Right. So there's this kid. What was it? Were you like, damn, Daniel! No, but it might as well have been. So there's this kid. Reverberated through my fucking herpes. Bro, there's this kid. Can we color by numbers with your herpes?

Dude, what's going on? I'm really freaked out. I don't know, but the herpes has moved to one of your teeth. You got something big right there. Don't you just kill me? Can I see the other tooth? Other side? That's a... Oh, it's up there.

It's for me. No, it's pissing me off. Oh my god. That hive, dude. Ow, my balls. It's so much better. That's crazy. It was weeping.

It was weeping green. You need to wear gloves at night so you don't scratch yourself. Oh, yeah, I did. I wore them and I woke up and they were across. I was talking about like a baseball glove. Do not touch people. I scratch my balls at night, dude. It's bad.

I wake up like scratching them. You know what's really fucked up? The hives that are on my hands. Those at night. Am I the only one here that's not a freak? No way, dude. I had a panic attack yesterday. That's why I fainted.

Because of the hives. There's nothing scarier than getting hives all over your body. You fainted because of a panic attack? Oh, that's a nice hive right there, mama. I didn't know why I fainted, but I walked out of the doctor and they were like, it's stress. And then I got really stressed.

Oh, wait, I think you got a high point in your panic. Yeah, let's see those hives on that clitoris. Let me see that butthole. They're actually, they're only on my upper body, which is why he says

they're hives. You don't have any on your lower body? None. Zero. Right. That's why I thought it was cats.

It's not. No, he said it's not. It makes me so That's why I thought it was cats. It's not. No, he said it's not. Makes me so happy. He said if it was cats, it would flare up and then go away. Yeah, because of Samson. He's such a good guy. He is such a good guy. The cat? Yeah. Look at that one.

What were you going to say? I was going to say he's such a nice little guy. Thank you. Stop. Stop scratching it.. Thank you. Stop. Stop scratching it. Stop. Ew. Stop. Yeah, just because it itches doesn't mean you need to scratch.

Maybe that's what you have under your nails. Just hive skin. So, Brendan, you were on a podcast. No, I don't even want to talk about that anymore. No, no, no. What'd you steal from a child? Candy. I wish.

A wish? No, I like... A general sense of wonderment? There's this kid, I think his name is like Tony or something. It's like... He has a TikTok where he just says things that are like everybody's talking shit

until they wipe their ass or something like that. And I said it. And on the podcast I went, I just made that up. Like I said something he said, I stole it. And they were like, no, you fucking didn't. And the worst part about it was I kept going with I was like, what? Oh, you know what I mean? I didn't just fucking admit it. I was like, oh, no way. So are they going to call the clip like Brendan, the liar? They made a clip. Can you just tell them not to do that? That seems like, like Asmus, I did his podcast and he took like the one thing that I said that I wouldn't want out there and put it on the internet.

In fact, he took two things, slammed them together and then released it on the internet. We've talked about this and you have a thing with saying things out loud. It is just like a very funny moment though. Oh, it is funny. And so I'm like... I just fucking hate myself lately. Why did you steal it? Why did you go with child sentence?

Why didn't you go... Why didn't you go, oh, you're in Tony's... Is this a direct quote? And then... He's like a 15-year-old kid, too. I don't know why I stole it. He did clip up Sagalow

talking about the clip of him stealing the clip. Don't do that. No. I also I just did that on Real Ass Podcast too. I just like stole a Norm joke. Like we were watching something where like the trailer for it was like overboard or something like that and I was like bored spelled

B-O-R-E-D and I didn't even say hey that's a Norm. I just said it. And then all the comments were like... Norm MacDonald talked about overboard? No, it was like, oh, he's chairman of the board. Chairman of the board. But that was along a runner of... That's fine. Carrotop jokes. All the comments were like, did

Brendan just fucking shamelessly steal from Norm? You didn't do that. No, you stole from a child, but not from Norm. I did. Yeah, exactly. If they called me out, I wouldn't lie. No, you stole from a child, but not from Norm. Yeah, exactly. If they called me out, I wouldn't. Yeah, that's a Norm thing. That's a Norm thing, but I literally stole from a kid that's a 10th grade. We don't know if that's true at all.

That's true. There's evidence of me not doing that. Maybe you should stop getting high so much. Yeah. You really should stop smoking weed. Do you think that that's seeping in? Stop smoking weed. What are you talking about? Stop smoking weed. I'll smoke weed right now. Nope, not in my house.

No, I wouldn't do that. That's right, child. You should stop. Why? Because. Because? It says the woman with fucking hives. Okay?

You think I'm taking any advice from you? Hey, be nice to my. They're not just hives. Be nice to their itchy heads. Be nice to this thing. They're not just hives. They're ruining my life. No, you're right.

I'm lashing out. They're so itchy. Stop, stop, stop. Are they itchy? You know what you should get? Please stop. Cortisone cream. Doesn't work?

Come on. Yes, it does. I have Benadryl. I have steroids. You know what does work? You know what's crazy? Itching. Salt water.

Saliva. Slugs. Fighting them. Somebody caught me with that switchblade that Joel's dad gave me. Just. Ugh. Bad. Ugh.

Shoot. Stop. Drop. And roll. Whatever happened to that? Are you living here now? Yeah Me? No She gets her mail delivered here

Absolutely not Why do you get your mail delivered here? I live in the most beautiful neighborhood in the world Candyland The guy followed me home the other day It was so scary Am I too close to you? He goes, excuse me

I'll rub my hives close to you he goes excuse me excuse me i'll rub my hives on you he goes excuse me no um freak he's like sir sir he goes because i was running he was like can i have your number oh my god and i was like what was he you know what he was this is crazy european. Kind of hot. Did you give him your number? You freak. No. I said no. He said, my name's Eagle.

That's what he said. Wit? No. Feather. And I was like, I don't give my number to people named Eagle. And he was like, you are joking. And I was like, I'm not joking. Just keep the name Hawk.

But then I had to go into my house. And I'm like, he knows where I live now. That's why you. Is he one of your neighbors? Yeah, the key to every neighbor's door so that you can go in and rape them. Why didn't you just not go in your house? Why didn't you just keep running? I was so done with the run.

You know what I mean? You could have walked. I thought about calling somebody and going, I have shit in my vagina. I have shit inside my vagina. Why do you have to call someone to do that? Why don't you just say that to them? Why don't you just yell? And they go, I've been taking my medicine. Shit do you have to call someone to do that? Why don't you just say that to him? Why don't you just yell and then go, I've been taking my medicine. Shit in China, shit in China. Bite hives, bite hives.

Oh, I hate this. Never mind. You are not attractive to me no more. Sorry, my name is actually Pigeon. Sorry. Now you're going to fly away. Stop, man. Stop. Can you itch the one that's under your hand this hurts me more than it hurts you

yeah yeah Ethan's got some sort of cream he's used up for god knows what is that cortisone use it here here toss it again toss it again toss it again you didn't see this one coming

stop itching your damn pipes freak you alright what'd you hit it's okay there was a pistachio it does look like like little heroin syringe. Wouldn't it be great if on the next episode, Jordan is just in a cage?

Did you see that video of Ad-Rock from Beastie Boys sitting with his wife, who's this purple-haired whatever, being like, you know, the Beastie Boys used to perform with women dancing in cages and that's very wrong isn't it Ad-Rock?

Yes it is. And as somebody who's in a relationship with a feminist who does that I relate. Nobody's a feminist. Get out. Was a good film. Tell her if she wants to be a... Say your favorite word now.

What were you going to say? Kindness. Yeah, what are you holding back? You don't want to know. You started a sentence. Say it. I just think if you're a feminist, maybe... You don't...

But maybe... Of't. But maybe. Of course. But maybe. My daughter's a cunt. My daughter is a cunt with diarrhea. I mean, my diarrhea has shit. My diarrhea is shitting and jerking off. I'm a fat pig. Dude, I saw a video.

What? Are the feet in the frame? Well, fuck me. You saw a video. I just don't want to be near her. What? Are the feet in the frame? Well, fuck me. You saw a video. I just don't want to be near her. And I'm trying to. Sorry.

Me neither. I wish I could escape this thing. You're great. Do you need a hug? No, I need a scratch. Really? Scratch. Bro, listen, the dopamine that's released when scratching a hive is different than any bug bite I've ever had it's like you know when a dog goes like this

When you scratch their ear It's like that you're like Jordan's gonna be scooting her ass across the car in 10 minutes It's really scary if you know You have eczema You know how scary it is to have skin shit Yeah dude it sucks It's scary Yeah it really does

And it crops up and you're like And it never goes away Yes I've heard him whine about it a million times Well you know It comes up This is just my first skin thing A million times. Well, you know, it comes up. This is just my first skin thing. Okay, you know what?

What? Can we just be my friends? Oh, God, no. Friends don't let friends hurt themselves. Stop, you're going to bleed yourself. I'm helping you scratch. You're like I'm a Viking rowing a ship to a fucking ship Can I scratch the hives on your tits with my mouth? I don't know why I said that I'm sorry

I just thought that I don't know I knew to not say that Jordan, you need to wear gloves So that you don't scratch yourself You're wearing the gloves Right? You're supposed the gloves, right? You're supposed to wear those the opposite way.

Jesus Christ. She can't even master gloves. I can't even masturbate. Next episode, Jordan's going to show up with a cone on. Oh, we could get a scratch and go for Jordan. We should get a cone right now for you. I have one for Samson upstairs. Let's get it.

It's in the basket next to the door. Yeah, maybe. He's already excited. Can you go look next to the door? Oh, dude, if that Oh,

wow. Jordan in a cone. Put the cortisone cream on. No, no, no. She's got the gloves. You're doing good with the gloves. Jordan in a cone. Put the cortisone cream on. No, no, no. She's got the gloves. You're doing good with the gloves. No. Just breathe. I've noticed you've been forgetting to breathe. Although it would feel really good to scratch, wouldn't it?

I would. Wouldn't it feel really good to scratch? Keep the skull gloves on. You're the misfits. Glenn dancing. Die, die, my darling. Mother. Come my way

what you mean what you say mother if you wanna find hell with me I kind of forgot let's let the misfit thing go what? alright it sucks I kind of forgot. Let's let the misfit thing go. What? All right.

It sucks. What a little agent of chaos. You spit on yourself, you freak. Oh, my God. I know. That was very nice. It was. Yeah, I appreciate it.

Wouldn't that be cool if you could do that with bullets? Yeah. You just go, this one's going to be a dud. No, no. You go, I didn't mean it. And the bull goes, meow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the, you ever watch Roger Rabbit? Yeah. My favorite movie, I'm

Roger Rabbit. I'm the bunny. Jessica Bunny. No, I'm Eddie. Jessica Rabbit. Eddie Valiant. No? Damn. We'll get you a call. You are so Roger Rabbit. You should get a Roger Rabbit tattoo so Roger Rabbit You should get a Roger Rabbit tattoo Yeah you should get a Roger Rabbit tattoo I would love a Roger Rabbit tattoo

Let's go all get them Oh dude Would that be crazy It's not crazy to get more tattoos We're already having a bunch Do you like my ghost I do like it I like all that shit

Daniel Strauss, R&D bitch, dude. Okay. Cadillac is incredible. The star is my second favorite tattoo. Guess what my first favorite? No. In the world. Guess what my first tattoo in the world is? We got that together.

It's the punks. That's the best tattoo ever. I'm not a huge fan of the knuckles. Fingers. Yeah. Not even this one? Nope. That's the best tattoo ever. I'm not a huge fan of the... Knuckles, fingeries. Not even this one? Nope. That's pretty cool. It's too big. No, I like it. It's a chest piece, some sort of... It's like the thing from Inception.

I want to get a bunch of Leonardo DiCaprio references on my knuckles. On a boat? And like a rat. A Titanic? A rat? From... Shutter Island? The Departed. You should get 25 and under. What do you want them to chop me up

if you needed a paw? Is that what you want, Frank? Is that what you want? Are you rapping? Is Leonardo getting it? No, no, no. But that's just a line he says. I want.

You do a good Leo from Gilbert Grape. Oh, Brandon. He's so good in that. Please. Yeah, dude. You do a good Leo's mom from Gilbert Grebe Yeah, fatso Fatty Fat lady

I'm proud of my son in this movie I'm in Is she a great big fat person? Is she a great big fat person? Wait Yeah, I should get a Roger Rabbit tattoo Totally And Jessica Rabbit I just feel like

I was in love with Jessica Rabbit Yeah we all were I bet you were Big fat tits I bet you fucking were Big fat tits I liked the guy with the eyeballs And my little boy boner was good

Remember me Eddie Remember me Eddie Remember me Eddie Hi Patrick I was the one that killed your brother Hi, Patrick. Eddie was the one that killed your brother. I was the one that killed your brother, Eddie. You do look like... What?

Please. What about this? What about this? Hi, Patrick. I'm SpongeBob. Hi, SpongeBob. What? You know what?

Don't do Patrick. But Spongebob's close. Like that. I can do the fish from Spongebob, the surfer fish. My leg. My leg, dude. I'm Squidward. This is awful. What we're doing is awful.

Yeah. We're confessionals. Yeah, you're right. Let's get back to scratching. Don't remind me. This doing is awful. We're confessionals. Let's get back to scratching. Don't remind me. This isn't awful. It was getting into awful. It was a little bit.

It was getting into awful. I really like those shoes. You look like a mommy from the 90s. He's in the minivan waiting for us. On his damn lap. To get out of jamboree. I think I should start knitting. Yeah.

No. My mom's knitting us more pillows for the couch. She knitted this. Your mom knit this? Yeah, my mom knitted that. Isn't that cool? Shut the fuck up. It's the colors of our logo. It's really nice. Look at our logo behind you. Yeah, isn't that cool? Shut the fuck up. It's the colors of our

logo. It's really nice. Isn't that cool behind you? Ah! I knew it was there. He's a jokester. Let's go get tattoos after this. Should I blow up my spot and get tattoos? I just feel like...

What? Poor? Gross? For sure, poor. Gross? Small ones. Let's go at small ones. We should have gotten cactus. No, cactus is for influencers who suck. Cactus is? Yeah, like a little cactus.

I would love to get like a neon cactus or like a neon pineapple or something. Why do you like the neon? Oh, you basically want your body to look like Vegas. Yeah, or like Miami. It does. It's getting close. He's ready.

Show the Cadillac. The Cadillac is sick. He's going to have someone dress his Elvis. That is such a crazy good tattoo. He's just going to have someone dress his Elvis on meth. I got this at Three Kings. You did? Yeah.

I can appreciate that for what it is, but I do not like it. You don't like this? The craziest one is the doc. You don't like this? It's so sick. It's cool. Let me finish. Look at the tire.

I can appreciate it, and I love the detail. You just like traditional tattoos. That is not the kind that I would prefer to get. Yeah, you're a hipster. We see your flannel. We get it. You just like traditional tattoos. That is not the kind that I would prefer. Yeah, you're a hipster. We see your flannel. We get it. This is my dad's. Oh, jeez. I pulled that card. Oh my god, yeah, shut up. I always pull the serious card. No, he

died. Actually, there was a note in here on how to play baseball. What? There was a to-do list. Spend more time with Ian. Learn how to shave. Hi, everybody. It's time for an ad. And we got a note, no swearing or innuendo,

because apparently I've been doing that a lot. Some people seem to like it, but the people that are on our ad team don't, and I am a shill. And I'll do what you say all day. But it is good to not swear, have innuendo, and just talk straight to you and say, spring is here, which means you're going to want to spend more time outside and less time in the kitchen, which is why I'm talking about Green Chef. It's the number one meal kit for eating well. Choose from over 50 weekly menu

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for free at joinhoney.com slash ska. That's right. Joinhoney.com slash ska. Honey helps, honey saves. Why? Here's it. Here's it. Honey helps. Honey saves. Why taste vinegar when you can make it sweet with honey? Right? You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. No. Honey. It's sweet. No, I like it and appreciate it.

Look at your little sack back. Your little tucked back sack. I I do like all like your American style thank you and what I'm saying is I can appreciate that for you but I do not like that style and I would not get it the flamingo I enjoy and I would get it thank you

yeah I just feel I don't know maybe I do kind of want to get a tattoo how much would it, I don't know. Maybe. I do kind of want to get a tattoo. How much would it cost? How much would it cost? I don't know. Call my buddy. Call your buddy. I don't have money. I don't work. What if I did comedy like this?

I don't get a lot of spots. Hey, what's up, motherfuckers? You do comedy like this. You do that, yeah. I know. I feel like I'm singing in a hardcore band. I love it. That's going to sound horrible in headphones. You're correct. I'm sorry in a hardcore band I love it That's going to sound horrible in headphones You're correct I'm sorry It is very cool

Should we do tattoos? Yeah I got a spot I'm 55 Where are you going to go And what are you going to get That's real quick Real quick.

What's nearby? Because you're vape. Fly right. You might get hives. I mean, if you go to Ridgewood right now, you could go to R&D. Ridgewood? What's cool? It's 20 minutes away.

Yeah, I don't give a shit. Spit in my mouth. I don't give a fuck. We already did that. But you should do it. No, get away from me. No, get him. No. Get him.

No, no, no. I can't. We can't have that. Why? For a number of reasons. She's got hives all over her body, but it's not spit. It could be AIDS. I'm 100% sure my chick would be like, what if we all spit in each other's mouth?

Yeah, totally. What if at the end of the podcast, we all spit... Was today lying day? I got a friend! Today lying day. Go put that away. No, show it.

Something up there? No, it's there. Cover. Cover. There's nothing up there. Cover. Cover. I really don't.

I care about you and I don't want you to scratch. Scratch me with my head. That's how I get myself a boner mom's mad at us he's texting dad come home and beat the kids don't um what okay as a friend I'm gonna ask

do you want me to keep trying to stop you because as a friend I know you're injuring yourself. My way. What do you mean? What do you say? Mother. And if you want to find help. Help with me.

You got to. What's going on? Hey, what's going on? What's going on? What's going on? My father. I forgot that I could do that one. What?

It's the kick thing. He's like, my father. Holy shit. Holy shit. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again.

Please. I can't. My father again. Do it again. Do it again. Please. I can't. My father. It was so, so good. I went deep. I don't know. I can't think of anything else. I made him do it like 400 times at the hotel.

I was like, do it again. Again. Shutting the door. You're like, and then you shut the door. So you walk in the restaurant. You shut the door. Let me try. Let me try. Let me try.

Here we go. Is that a mean here you go? Is that a mean here you go? Oh, I'm rooting for you. Oh, okay. I like rooting for you. Here we go. So I was talking to your father.

Ow. You kick yourself? I did kick you. You've got too much. Father. Ow. You shit. Ow. You kick yourself. Yeah. I did kick hilarious. You trip your. Yeah, dude. I've been in pain. My father.

He don't know actually. They don't know actually. They don't know what? Actually. She says she's talking to his wife is talking to a server and goes, actually, I'll have that. And he goes, stop, you're right there. He don't know actually.

He just got off the boat. I feel like it's crazy that you just got into some... I am now itching. Oh, brother. Oh, my back hurts. I knew that was going to tweak your ass. I know, I hurt. You need to go to a chiropractor.

No, you need to drink more water. I know. I hurt. You need to go to a chiropractor. No, you need to drink more water. I know. That's true. Why don't you get like the fucking Americanos? I got an amazing massage. Why don't you get an Americano? Sorry, I don't know why I said that. Dude, when you were out on the island,

as far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a gangster. One time, I'll tell the mushrooms story again. What? One time, me and Sadlow ate a little bit too many mushrooms. I had too many. He didn't find them out. Did I have too many?

No, you were okay. Where were we? When was this? We were on a rooftop in Williamsburg. Oh, you know what I was thinking about? Give yourself pink eye. That is a stinky mic. Oh my God.

I was just doing an impression of your underwear. I don't smell it. It went right in. And guess what? Ever since then, you haven't been itching. Ever since three seconds ago. What are you getting? I mean, this raccoon's in the food pantry again.

Jordan, Jordan, come back. No, you farted into my mouth. No, I didn't. Women are fucking. They're a lot. Come on. All right. That was kind of rude of me.

That was rude, and I'm sorry. It was rude. I do want to say... Oh, my God. No, no, but seriously, honestly, I won't. And in summation... Dude, go take a shit, you freak. Go take a shit if we are sweating

Oh my god, you're gonna Here, take the mic I've been on the couch myself I just farted I got it now Alright, I'll admit I hate myself There's a little bit

of something lingering around. And what is that? Shit in your pants. You got shit in your pants, dude? That's shit. Man, that is a racist clown. What? What, are you looking in a mirror?

It's not. How is this? He's a little guy. Oh, yeah. It is kind of racist. He's a little guy Oh yeah You love little guys It is kind of racist He's a little guy Why

With the hat on Yeah Like the bolo No He's a little 1920s guy He looks like he's gonna be like Yes Mesa No

That's what he looks like It's a ghost That's what he looks like It's Casper I'm not I'm not allowed to say This is I'm okay

I haven't seen you from like this angle Because we're always next to each other Scary Ugly. No. Gorgeous. Really? Yes.

What were you actually thinking when you saw me? I haven't seen you from this angle. You were on a podcast. Tell me what you were really thinking. Was it good or bad? Hot. No. You're lying.

No. Just. What are you talking about? Meeting. Meeting. Let's. Grooming? Remember the movie She's All That?

Yeah. You're like Lainey Bob. You're like theainey Bob You didn't realize how boyish I was That's what you realized She's hot But boy is she a mess Do I look like a mess You ever seen the movie She's the Man You ever seen

You want a man Ace Ventura. You know Lois Eichel. What are you going to say? I have not seen you from this angle, and it's truthfully frightening. Okay? Ew. It is.

This is. I mean, this is it. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. She's puking.

Ew. Ew. Not my Ghostbusters cup. You brought the cup over there. Well, so that she's not getting it on the floor. This is, it is like you've animorphed into some sort of lizard animal. A lizard, you mean? Thank you.

You are. Because you animorphed into some sort of lizard animal. Should I cut my hair off? I hate my life. No. No, I don't hate my life. I hate myself. Why? Wait, why?

I don't know. Don't. Don't. Favorite. Favorite. You're my favorite. You're my favorite. Thanks.

You don't get. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. The guy who kept breaking up with me, he was like, if it was the last day on, if it was you don't get yeah okay thank you the guy who kept breaking up with me he was like if it was the last day on if we had the only one day left to live I would choose it to be with you and I was like

you're furthest on the list what kind of fucking middle school girl bullshit is that that's such middle school bullshit if there was one day left to live I'd spend it to you babe if I didn't have a leg, would you still love me? Babe, what a fucking loser. Get your shit together, dude.

Respect yourself. Respect yourself and your fat pussy. Is that a mean thing to say? No, it's just, it's manipulated. It's very manipulated. Why? Because it's like this guy who's breaking up with you all the time is like, if I had one day to live, I'd spend it with you. If the world didn't exist, I would hang out with you.

I don't even say that to, I've never said anything even remotely romantic like that to anybody. Remotely romantic? Just hearing it back. Well, what you should have done is pulled out a gun and gone, oh, guess what, motherfucker? Yeah, last day to live. Start running. The clock starts now. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, guess what, motherfucker? Yeah, last day to live. Start running. The clock starts now. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just decided to play the hardest game of all. Man. Wait, what? What? If you had... Hey, I was on team Donate Yourself, but after that, old buddy. If you had to live on a desert island with one person,

who would it be? If you had to live on a desert island with one person, who would it be? Have a sip of cyanide, please. If you had to live on a desert island with one person, who would it be? You. We'd have to repopulate. Maybe the guy who killed Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden. Osama Siddiqui. Osama Siddiqui.

Osama. Osama bin Laden. Some sort of like survival expert. If it was Osama instead of Osama, SEAL Team 6 would have found him by volume. Did you just fart? I burped. The right answer is probably somebody you could procreate with who's also

has a wealth of knowledge so you'd survive. Who? Bear Grylls. No, not just survival. You'd also want them to be able to Tell you about the war Like wars and stuff

Just to keep you You know like Barbara Bush Oh yeah you would want it to be Somebody funny that's what you'd want first and foremost Humor I think would be the most important Anyone alive or dead

Yeah Yeah good one What Humor I think would be the most important Anyone alive or dead Yeah Lucille Ball Yeah good one Gilda Radner What Vince Vaughn He's tall He could just be my shelter

Who was I talking to that was friends with Vince Vaughn You bashed Ren is easy Remember He's friends with Vince Oh yeah Anyone Oh

Jenny McCarthy singled out era pre-vaccine autism insanity that's how i'd want to be on an eye nope oh maybe a rihanna a baby so you could raise it i mean so you can i thought you were gonna say another r word because you really stretched raise it out so you could raise it up okay i get what we're doing so you could raise it up. Okay, I get what we're doing. So you could fuck it. We're doing all the funny answers, I guess. No, no, like, you know. We're doing all the stupid funny answers. Yeah, no, we're just being funny in a podcast. Do you want to try?

I would take Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. I would take somebody. I've never been funny on a podcast. Anyway, keep going. Oh, my cock was stuck in my balls. No, no. This is what you do. Your answer is me.

Your answer is also me. My answer, Bear Grylls. What? You'd die. Oh, you wouldn't have cigarettes, so you'd die oh you wouldn't have cigarettes you'd kill me you'd kill yourself no you and I would figure out a way

to plant tobacco leaves yeah totally we'd help tobacco leaves for me this would be us on the island no we would try to make a coconut radio. And you'd be too busy eating all the coconuts. I'll empty them for you, fellas.

No, this, no. Yeah, I'd have to be like telling you like, no, no, there's tobacco on land. Like back in the mainland. Yeah. There's cigarettes. I think I would just immediately kill myself. You and I would be great because we are carpenters

so we could fucking build shit. Yeah, but then our kids would have bipolar bears. Yeah, but if we were repopulating, we'd have to make so many to repopulate that half of them would die anyway. And the sickies would die out. Oh, I don't know if we'd have to repopulate. I think just one kid to raise for fun

is what you do. We'd have to give them a lot of trash. Oh yeah, that's mean because I'd have to dress like a trans person. Is that what you said? Oh, here it comes. Big Ian at it again. What? Being inclusive? Being inclusive, being a fucking trailblazer

for fucking acceptance and love. For years people have been calling me a fucking all these fucking names for being a trans woman. I know, that's the irony. The irony is, for years, I was getting shit from everyone. Oh, you mean men in dresses?

No, fucking trans women. Fuck you. And then now, I'm like, yeah, I date trans women. And the trans community is like, you're a chaser. Stop wanting us for blonde. I'm like, what was that about? Your hand. oh my god what do you mean disgusting your farts maybe they're right i don't smell anything they were so or taste anything it's in your hair in your stop scratching honestly i'm gonna You need the gloves

Zombie Zombie That's what I feel like dude Can I tell you Karaoke So cold Dude I'm telling you I think I'm dead I'm rotting

And my skin is so pale And my hands are so cold I think I'm dead you just need to get some sun go out no i i'm in the sun all the time i run every day you then why are you so pale i because i died my flesh is rotting off look at my flesh rotting off it would be funny if there's a voodoo curse on it it looks what... What? What are you doing? Here we go. Stop! You're doing downward dog.

Look at me. Look at me. Now you're just doing dog. I'm just saying, maybe I died and you guys are still alive and you're my friends so you can see me.

Well, that's why I have the Ghostbuster proton pack. To trap you. It's crazy how somebody can just break up with you and then just be fine. Don't turn that on. Oh my god, this thing is so cool. Oh, it's not! No one else thinks so.

I'm gonna get hives on my face. This thing is fucking sweet. Get her. Don't cross the streams. How much did this cost you? Oh, God. Look at Zool. She's an ugly little spud, isn't she? I wish I had the money that you have, Ian.

He doesn't have that much money. He has tons of money. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. He spends it all. That's what I'm saying Like if he just didn't spend it No the second he gets paid

He spends it on some bullshit He uses the Patreon money To pay his rent His shoes are from When I was in college And the shirt's my dead dad's And that Patreon package Is free

What about all the hookers Yeah what about all the hookers Yeah what about all the hookers What about all the Hookers You know how much money I made On the road the other weekend that I immediately spent

on a hooker? Not good. No. And now I'm doing alright. You're doing alright. I got some okay. I got enough to where I got gold.

I got enough to buy I'll gold. I got enough to buy I'll be okay till July. I have no money. Gotta do something about that. Like what? Do work. Okay. Do you have a manager?

Yes. Say I don't have any money. Didn't you just get something really expensive? Like what? Some sort of toy or something. A toy? An expensive toy? I'm not a toy guy. I'm not a

toy guy. I'm not a toy guy. My father is a toy guy. No, that's the thing. I don't feel shame about the prostitute. I feel shame about spending the thing I don't feel shame about the prostitute I feel shame about spending the money I don't have on it Oh this is awesome dude

Don't you feel better Here hold on turn it off It is off Oh that was cool Yeah See I didn't know it had a little trigger like that. Yeah.

You just turned it off. Now turn it on. Now pop. Now, no, no, no. Now press that button. Oh, it's shaking. Yeah, press that button. How much was this?

Wow. About two, two and a half hookers. $1,500? No half hookers. No. It was $500 that I paid in 2021. Let's just get rid of this. It's the noise.

Mom's getting upset. I feel so itchy. Yeah, how do you think we feel? Scratchy. Alright, listen. We gotta we feel? Scratchy. All right, listen. We got to start laying down some laws here. Also, I really know how to save money, too. Jordan is not going to have sex with strangers.

Two, Ian's not going to eat sugar. Three, Sagalow's going to find monies. Yeah, you don't decide my life. What's your thing? Oh, give it up for DJ Boundaries. This is a new rap. MC Boundaries.

You're going to text your manager and you're going to say, this is unacceptable. I need to be working. When did that Operation Ivy thing go up? It's never sat over here. Who are you? Now, who the hell? Now, what the? Now, who the heck are you over there?

Who let you in here? Who the heck are you over there? Who let you in here? Anyway, thanks for having me on the podcast, Beanie. Do you see? Make it disappear, Zaglo. Make it disappear. The thing about life is sometimes it's not always what you think.

Sometimes life isn't as, you know. Finish a bit. Life isn't as what we seem. I missed it. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. I missed it. I missed it. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. I missed it.

I missed it. Life isn't what we like to be. Life isn't always what it seems, you know? Whoa! Where did that go? Is that like life? It's in my ear.

Is that like life because you can have it and then it goes away? Whoa! You know, but life isn't what we see. But make it come back to life. And sometimes it's behind the ear. How'd you do that? What are you going to do?

Put it in my ear. What are you going to do? I'll put it in your ass, cock boy. Abracadabra, change that joke. Make that insult disappear I sound like a gay superhero psychic it's anal man and cock boy

terribly shame Ian for being a little gay yeah I'll put it in your ass cock boy that's what you do every episode. I know, I know. That's what you guys are doing at Moon Tower, literally standing around me, gay bashing me. We're so fucked up.

I wish I was a part of that. Alex English is like, hey, and we're like, what's up, boy? How's it going? You have shit all over your penis and balls. Yeah, yeah. I'll show you. Let me show you. Okay.

But you got to do a thing. Whoa. You got to make a little... Now make your hives disappear. You gotta do like a little monologue. Yeah. Sometimes the world can seem small. Other times it's not there at all. Alright. Well, you know. You're insulting the craft. Oh! What?

Oh! I said sometimes it can seem small. And sometimes it's in your ass, cock boy. Sometimes you have a dick and other times you have a pussy. There's something going on. It's not good down here.

For the gas leak. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes you're alive. Other times you're dead. In front of your friends. Stop, stop, stop. I did that during the... Joke yourself to near death but a pack of gum.

It scares you. My vision blurred. I didn't know what it was. That's how you ate a slug. Right there. That's what happened. You were just being like I'll do it Oh yeah 45 Wow I can't believe

Wow Wow Wow 45 Wow 45 It passed really fast 45

It was there And then it was gone With Jordan 45 The checks are dropping We're gonna have to stretch Crowd work time Wow

Sherrod's been on stage a long time. Long time he's been up there. My neck hurts so bad from choking myself. Yeah, I'm sure it's the choking yourself. No, no, no. Come back to your side of the couch. I like her. Are you going to fart poop? No, but my poop might have a fart.

No, you won't fart. When you fart and I smell it, that's poop particles hitting me. That sounded like you learned that in couples therapy. When you fart, say it like Alan said it. I heard couples therapy is really good. Yeah, right. When you fart, say it like Alan said it. I heard couples therapy is really good.

Yeah, right. That's what it says. And a friend that isn't... Couples therapy is a death rattle of every relationship. That is Custer's last stand. Ian tweeted that, and then Racine had the funniest tweet, like, oh, Ian, relationship expert finance over here. Oh, and he goes, I loved your book

Man of Remorse. I suck my girlfriend's penis. Man of Remorse, I suck my girlfriend's penis. Man, that's good. Very funny. Come back. What, you gonna leave me? I'm close to. Alright. Here's the long and short of it.

That was the name of my grandfather's barbershop in Delaware. That should be the name of your first album. The long and short of it. That was the name of my grandfather's barbershop in Delaware. That should be the name of your first album. The long and short of it. And it would be a picture of my hard cock, small cock. And then you should do what Matt Rife did where he touches the wall and cries at his grandfather. I mean, people already know I suck dick.

I don't want to start acting like that. He's a nice guy though. I met him. I'm kidding. That's a joke. He's a trans woman. He's trans. He's a trans woman. Have. I met him. I'm kidding. That's a joke. He's a trans woman. He's trans. He's a trans woman. Have you seen him? Matt Rife? You're kidding. Matt Rife, I found out.

You're so full of shit. Now this is a bit you're doing because it's all gullible, Ian. I'm not believing it. All gullible, Ian. When you are around him. She was just Tom Morello's guitar. She goes,

she waka waka waka. That's such a fun reference. When you could have said Ms. Pac-Man. Hey, when we riff. Get away from me. When we riff. Oh my God, dude. Jesus Christ.

Holy shit. I just came. Am I dead? Hey, so speaking of couples therapy, how did that make you feel when he... It made me feel scared and like I wanted to go away. Let me finish my fucking sentence. You want to be...

The therapist is like... I get it, dude. I get your point, buddy. Jesus Christ. What? Man, I skipped a week of therapy and I can feel it. Yeah, welcome. The truth comes out.

Oh yeah, wait till August comes. What happens in August? That's when they go on vacation. He takes a month off. What? We have to create a group. What? That's the Allens.

The Allens. Allen and the Leftwits. Allen's Anonymous. What's it called? Allen-on. Yeah. Hey, you know what? Like Rage Against the Machine, Bulls on Parade.

Allen's gone. It was like you were like, go with it. The Allen's gone. Allen gone. I'm fucking excited. I just got it. Alan Gons. I'm fucking excited. I just got it. Did you? Everything you do.

Stop. Stop doing this. Here's a fun moment. Here's a bit. Can I tell you what's going on? I'm going to tell you. Tell me what's going on. You're having your own thoughts echoed back at you because of weed, dude.

Every time I smoke weed, I become like that. It's not because of weed. Quit blowing cigarettes! Sit down and enjoy yourself. Don't touch me. Shit's gonna go south. Oh my god. Okay. What's wrong?

What happened? You know what's wrong. You just puddled. Did you poop? wrong. You know what's wrong. You just puddled. Jordan just puddled. You know what's wrong. Did you poop? No. Out of her front one.

Out of my front one. You pissed? No. She diarrhea'd but clear and gooey. You diarrhea'd out of your cunt. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I wouldn't be in on it.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Ow. Jesus. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Kick, kick, kick. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Ow! Jesus. Wow! Wow! Wow!

Yeah! Kick, kick, kick, kick. Jesus Christ. What time is it? Oh, I have to go in five minutes. Five? Come to Gotham with me. Don't go, don't go.

Is it juice? Yeah, juice. Can I jump on juice? Jump on juice. Ask if I can jump on juice. Ask if we can both jump on juice. Do you want to just go to juice? Come to juice.

We all shouldn't be alone right now. The past couple nights, I've wanted to go home early. You helped me with this on Saturday. And the other night, Atel helped me. And then last night, Luke and Hannah, we all, instead of going our separate ways, we're like, let's just go here.

Let's hang out. Let's do this. And we all walked, had fun, and we shouldn't be alone. And we should let each other's company lift us up into a happy... Here's me going my separate ray. Ray? Debra! Debra!

Oh, separate ray. Separate rays. As far back as I could remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Listen, two rays. I just did a third ray. If you don't stop hurting yourself after doing things, I'm going to hurt you.

Where's the taser? Where is the taser? Don't tase me. Taser? Don't tase me, bro. Taser? I barely know her. Yeah, you're the only two that ever make each other laugh on a podcast.

I was like mad at him the other day and he said the dumbest thing and I was gone. I figured it was. I was so mad and then you did like a pun and I was like paralyzed. Okay, we stop at Winsun. We get a coffee. They're closed. I was so mad and then you did like a pond and I was like paralyzed okay we stop at Winsun

we get a coffee they're closed no they're open yes we get coffees or something else oh and we can get a little bit of sugar

a little sugar and then we go to Comedy Juice yeah and then we get tattoos and then we get tattoos and then we get tattoos

I'll get a tattoo after Comedy Juice can we? go to the West Village they got tattoo shops juice. Can we? Go to the West Village. They got tattoo shops. Really? I have a shit spa in the West Village. You go to a shit spa? I have a shit spa.

I gotta go to a shit spa. I gotta go to a shit spa quick. I need a shit, shit massage. Hey, hey. Candy Crush can wait. Hey, wait. Candy Crush can wait. Candy crush can wait. All right.

All right. Let's call it. Okay. We love you guys. Thanks for tuning in. See you next time. Plugs. What do you want to plug?

Oh, um, my dates, Brendan Sagalow.com and then listen to my podcast. Here's the scenario. Ooh, George. Oh, um, let's subscribe to my YouTube channel because I'm going to be dropping a special on it pretty soon and look at my dates and come out to a show.

If you do, they'll start giving me door deals. When I get that, I can make more money to fix my sores. Deals. Come out and see me live so I can fix these open wounds. EFIDance.com, Comedy on State, Spokane Comedy Club, Tacoma Comedy Club, Atlantic City, New York City,

Comedy Club, Stanford. Nothing matters. We're going to run out of water by 2040. I mean, we're on the verge of World War III right now. This chick's going to crack her head open and the sight of blood's going to get me hard because I'm a vampire and I've been alive for 300 years.

See you next time. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore