Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 042: Live At Philly Helium W/ Tim Butterly & Ryan Shaner

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Give it up for B and Ian with Jordan, Ian Foddance and Jordan Jensen coming to the stage. Let's go! One more time for Naeem Ali, everybody! Hey! Ali, everybody! Everybody, we did it. It is the live Be an Ian with Jordan podcast. Thank you for coming out. And as a surprise to Jordan, I put up our cardboard cutout together

that she has specifically said she's hated so many times. Is the guy who made it here? No, I ordered it online. Good. It's online? It's so... Okay, let me ask you this. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Shut the fuck up. If a Puerto Rican says it, you know it's true. Does it? Right? Oh, yep, start. Does anybody know what it's referencing? Yes. Of course. Come on.

Come on. Yeah, blowing it. Yeah! Welcome to the live B&E with Jordan! I should have brought my computer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah! Welcome to the live B&E with Jordan! Thank you guys for coming out. It's officially started, the live pod, with the blowing of the shofar. You look great, Jordan. Thanks. Your turn.

You should have worn your hat. I know. Yeah, I asked if I should wear my hat she goes you asked me I was like absolutely and then you asked James who wants to blow you and he was like no dude you look amazing you look amazing well I thought I did and then I saw a picture

and you know we all have our own battles so I like your transition lenses. Thank you so much. You know why I've been wearing them? Because they block the blue light from the lights on stage because that fucks up our circadian rhythm. Shout out Anthony Huberman, who I think is single.

And I think I have a chance. Who is that? What? Who's Anthony Huberman? Of course you don't know. You're the most unhealthy person alive. Me? Wait, is is that? What? Who's Anthony Huberman? Of course you don't know. You're the most unhealthy person alive. Me? Wait, is it Andrew or Anthony?

It's Anthony. Ah, you fucking bitch. I know him by Dr. Huberman, actually. Is he the one that prescribed those Dahmer glasses to you? Yeah. You and Dahmer have a lot in common because if you brought a guy over,

he'd also be like, don't leave me. Okay, can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I like resonated a lot in common, because if you brought a guy over, he'd also be like, don't leave me. Okay, can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I, like, resonated with him in the... That's too much. Is that too much? In the documentary, I, like, slightly was like, I get it.

Why? Like, when he fell in love with the black guy, he had other... I get that. Why do you think I asked Naeem to open the show up? He was black. What? What? Whatever. I get that. Why do you think I asked Naeem to open the show up? He was black. What?

What? Whatever, there was like a point where the black guy was leaving and he was like, I'm gonna come back. And you could see Dahmer like, no, you're not. You know what I mean? And I... Like, I love when a dude is sick. Yeah, I like when a guy's sick.

Oh, Phantom Thread, she keeps feeding him mushrooms and he gets sick. So you love Munchausen syndrome by proxy. I just like a man to be weak and need me. You know what I mean? I like them to be strong, but crippled. Uh-huh. Temporarily. Uh-huh.

I related to Dahmer because he was an alcoholic and also gay. Yeah. Yeah, I related to himmer because he was an alcoholic and also gay yeah I related to him because he killed men so they would stay with him and kept their heads I mean who here whomst among us hasn't wanted to drill a hole in someone's head so they'd be with you forever

when he's laying with their dead bodies and cuddling with them you weren't kind of like that is forever, you know? No, legit, no. No. But I did try. I licked some of my dad's ashes

the other day. Is that weird? What? Because I transferred the containers, so I went like that to get them all out, and then I didn't know, it felt weird to like,

wash them, so I just like, you gummied your dad's know. It felt weird to like wash them. So I just like. You gummied your dad's ashes? It felt weird. Let's put our heads together because I'm about to talk about my dead dad too. Okay. When I was little,

my mom got really sick. I'm going to leave while you talk about it. Sorry. What? I'm just kidding. No, and to make her feel better, I made her eat my dad's ashes because I wanted him to leave while you talk about it. Sorry. What? I'm just kidding. No, and to make her feel better, I made her eat my dad's ashes because I wanted him to help her not be sick anymore.

Did you put it in food, or did you say you forced him? No, I forced him. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the cinnamon challenge? She's just... That's so fucked up.

I know. Oh, and she knows it's for you because you're this sweet little boy. Be like, eat my daddy. Yeah. Eat my dad. She's like, okay. Oh, and she knows it's for you because you're this sweet little boy. Be like, eat my daddy. Eat my daddy. She's like, okay. Oh my God. Dude, okay.

So when I was eight, there was like a minor league baseball player autograph signing at Mitchell's Sporting Goods. Or no, Mitchell's Toys and Memorabilia. And I went there and I got one of the guys. That changed. That's a big change. What?

When I was at a sports store, I mean, it was baby toys and toddler things. Yeah, but they had sports guys there. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Sorry. I apologize. I accept. Thank you.

And I realized I'm releasing too much. Are you? Well, no. I just released it. I got my dad. So anyway, look, I was back in Delaware, and I was at Barnes & Noble's, and this guy came up, and he goes,

Ian, I go, yeah, and he goes, Jim Mitchell, I had Mitchell's Twizit memorabilia. I was like, oh my God, he's like, so good to see you. You know, I'll never forget when you went to that autograph signing, and you had one of the players sign a balloon, and I asked why, and you said, so you could release it in the sky,

and maybe it'll reach heaven so your dad can get an autograph. And he's like... He's like, I'll never forget how sad that was. By the way, I love your podcast. Dude, Ian, over the way, I love your podcast. Dude, Ian, over the pandemic, like, we ran into each other. We're, like, doing this rooftop show

that's, like, run by whatever. I'm not gonna get into it, but he's fucking retards. And for some reason, they have the train tracks right behind the performers, right? And Ian is going through, like, the gnarliest breakup. Like, he's chain-smoking, he's manic, he's bouncing.

I'm like, he's gonna bomb. And he proceeds... You're basically describing how I am every day. No, no, no, this was nuts. You were gyrating with pain, okay? And then you get on... You were like me now. We were flipped.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get up there, and you start talking about your dad and you're screaming about your dad and then the train whips by and you're talking about the train accident with your dad the train whips by you start screaming at the train everybody's like crying with laughing and then at that moment a balloon gets released up and you start yelling at that that it's for your father and it was like the entire roof was like sobbing and laughing it was like the it was an the most insane experience during the pandemic and then you got off stage and you're

like that fucking sucked and i was like are you kidding me we all just hung out with your dad and laughed and i and i'm thinking yeah it was crazy i appreciate that the balloon was insane it was like you had set it up. It was crazy. I know. It's like those little moments that make you know that they're out there. Giving you a little wink and nod. No, it's a balloon that it can't let go. Oh, okay, that's fine. You're a very...

That's fair. There's no winks and nods. Do you ever see a dude in the audience? I always see dudes in the audience that look like my dad, and I'm like... And then I'll walk by them later And they're like what's up toots And I'm like dad stop You know

No I used to do that on the street though Like I think Cause I always had like a fantasy That he didn't really die Like Truman Show He just like I annoyed him so much he left And then I like would find him one day

That makes sense He would walk back up now And he'd be like Ah still bad Still bad Yeah yeah yeah He would walk back up now and he'd be like, ah, still bad, still bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He with a proton bag. Hi, Dad!

Should I put on my hat? I just always have a baseball glove on me. Giving it up to a homeless guy like, are you my dad? Just like when we were on the way here, we stopped at a rest stop and finally we got a like, a business card for our business in, like, Patreon,

and everybody left, and I was like, I'm gonna use your business card to pay for our bags of chips! And the guy behind the counter thought I was special needs. Because I had these on, and my shirt was like... Flipped up, flipped up. Button?

Yeah. And Shainer was with us, and I was like, don't get it. I'll use the business card. And the guy goes, are you excited? And I go, oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, yeah. And he goes, are you going on a road trip?

And I go, yeah, we're on the call. We're going on a road trip. He goes, where? I go, Philadelphia. He goes, that's going to be really fun. That makes sense that it's to Philadelphia. And also, we were entirely ignoring you, which made you look even more retarded.

We were just like, shut up! I made the guy pumping our gas get in a video with us. I go, we're using our business credit card for the first time, what do you think? And he was like, I'm a minimum wage worker. Yeah. That was a good ride. It was so fun. You did a Native American voice.

I was crying, laughing, almost crashing the car multiple times. Oh, yeah. Well, that's just because you're a woman driver. It's true. It was a lot. It was touch and go. It's always touch and go. I'll admit that, but that's because I'm so good. And then, I get to drive the car back. Do you feel like you have to keep moving things around? Because I definitely have that feeling.

Well, I'm about to smoke. Do you feel like you have to keep moving things around? Because I definitely have that feeling. Yeah, I kind of do. Like, I have a... Well, I'm about to smoke. Do you want to try to do it with this, like he said? Oh, should we light the cigarette with the taser? Alright, now I'm... Did you rip his? No, I was gonna taste his. On Stav's

podcast, I farted so hard on you. You didn't notice. You were like, are you farting on me? And you were in the middle of a bit, so I knew you weren't going to stop me. You know what I mean? Because you had to finish it. But I was just maybe shitting on you.

Do you remember that? No. You don't remember that? I literally put my whole ass on you, and you were like, are you farting on me? And I was like, yes. And then you finished the bit. Oh, I thought you were just being cozy.

What the fuck? All right, here, okay. I told you it wasn't charged. You said it was charged. I thought it was charged. You lied. I saw it in your fucking dumb face. I saw you lying. James, you saw him lying too. Yeah.

Shut up, James. Ah! Oh, dude, at the end, we should ask people if they want to be tased by us. Shut up, James. Ah! Oh, dude, at the end, we should ask people if they want to be tased by us. Well, here. Right? Yeah.

You're scaring me. Jordan, plug it into that outlet. I have a fucking... Do you? This is what you did the whole fucking car ride. I would switch lanes, and you'd be like, switch lanes now, and I'd be like, am I pulling in parallel?

You're pulling here. You think it's a control thing, but it's because I'm nervous. It's because you have to have, you... Oh, James wants to charge it. Are you gonna make it a whole he's a man thing? James! No, it's charging right there.

It's char... Well, it's not, but look at it, because it's not lighting up. I told you don't use that outlet. I used that outlet earlier. Do you want to put on the gloves? Okay, all right. Let me do this. Keep it going for James, you guys.

I'm out of for James, everybody, huh? Look at him. There, thank you. Do you want to put on the gloves? No, not really. Do you want me to put them on? Oh my God. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There, thank you. Do you want to put on the gloves? No, not really. Do you want me to put them on? I thought it'd be fun.

Well, put them on. Do you hear it tasing? Did you hear that? That was awesome. Well, because Glenn Danzig used to wear these in The Misfits. I thought that'd be fun. It's so weird how you call him Glenn Danzig. What's his fucking name? His name's Danzig. Nobody call him Glenn Danzig. What's his fucking name? His name's Danzig.

Nobody calls him Glenn Danzig. You know I met him once, right? Did you really? Was he fat? No. He, uh... I met him at Tower Records in 96. 97.

You're so old. I so... I was five. Six. Uh... I, um... I was five. Six. I, hold on. Whoa, why is this look,

oh, the light. You guys cool with this? I don't care. I forgot there'd be people. I, well, I got this doohickey thing that like sucks the smoke up, so you guys won't smell. Dave Attell. Dave Attell.

Yep, that was nice. Oh, yeah. So Danzig, I got him to sign my guitar fretboard. Like the guitar pickboard. And then he taught me how to play a bar chord. Where were the strings? I unscrewed it.

No, kept it. And then unscrewed it and framed it. Anyway. He signed through the strings? It's not just...'s the strings don't just cover the fret the guitar what's it called the pick guard oh the pick guard okay well you said fretboard so i'm technically correct but keep going all right so for some reason every time i start telling a story i in my mind words are coming coming out. In my head, I'm like, what are you doing? Anyway, long story short,

Danzig fucking met my mom and then stopped talking to me and started talking to my mom, offered his tickets to the show, and then asked her to go on the tour bus, and I think he wanted to fuck my mom. But I love Danzig, and I swear to God, for a second, I was like, what if he was my dad?

Of course. That would have been sick, dude. And my mom wore all black to fit in. Oh, that's so nice. Tell your beauty not to worry. As long as he didn't sing Last Caress to her, it would have been fine. Anyway.

That's pretty cool you met Denzing when you were 25 Sorry No I was How old were you in 6th grade? 11th? 7th? 13th? I was a mall goth, I was 200 pounds I had your chain on

And his build Yeah And those pants unfortunately And those shoes. You should change your life. Yeah. Wait, what was that? I wanted to ask you. You wanted to ask me something? Yeah. Well, we were gonna tase.

You were lighting a cigarette. Somebody just belching back there. You were lighting a cigarette. Somebody just belching back there. Oh, you got bangs. I did. I cut my own bangs because I went through another breakup. You like it? No, no. Let's put an asterisk.

Not another breakup. The same breakup with the same guy. What'd you say? I'm not recycling. He's recycling. Yeah, she's the trash. Yeah. That's getting recycled.

I am not white trash. I am white recycling. Yeah. No, I am the dirty, filthy thing on the floor that keeps being picked up like a cum rag and thrown back down. You know when you take a towel and you put it on the floor that keeps being picked up like a cum rag and thrown back down. You know when you take a towel and you put it on the hamper and you're like, that got washed, right?

And then you use it again and then you realize a year has passed and you've done that like a hundred times. That's me. I'm that towel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you can't. I love being that towel. Really? What'd you say yesterday? Oh, no.

What you said earlier about you want a guy who's sick, but you're sick. That was like 15 minutes ago, Ian. That was like... Dude, honestly, I think the taser

kind of did something to me. Like, something went through the cigarette. What was I saying yesterday? I don't know. You said something. Oh, you want a guy that doesn't value you?

Remember when we were at Stubbs? At Stubbs podcast? We were... Yeah, I want a guy who hates me. Yeah, yeah, totally. I don't want a guy who's into me. My therapist said that the next guy I date, I have to be physically repulsed by.

That's what it was. Why? Because when a guy is attracted to me, I... But if a guy's like, ugh, then I'm like... I'm telling you, I've literally, like, there have been, like, statues that have been facing away from me, and I've been like...

And where do you think that comes from? My parents were emotionally... They were busy. That's what they were. That's what I hate about therapy, is they're like, your parents hated you. I'm like, no, they were busy. Yeah, but that's like a...

something you tell yourself. I do. I tell myself every day in the mirror as I'm carving a smile onto my face. They were just busy. Were you a latchkey kid? Did you, did you? Are you? I was the latchkey.

Yes, I had everybody else's key too because I stole it because I needed to eat somewhere. Sad kid janitor. Yes, totally. They were never home. I begged my mom to cut a hole in our floor so that I could have a

trap door. Oh, I wanted a fire pole. We all wanted a fire pole. It would be like a Ghostbuster. But you wanted a hole in the floor too. Yeah, but I wanted it so I could jump and kill myself. No, I wanted a hole because my sister used to kick the shit out of. No, I wanted a hole because my sister used to kick the shit out of me,

so I wanted a hole that would go down into my mom's office. You know what I mean? One time my sister chased me out the window and I was hanging outside the window and I was like, I think I can make it to the next roof. And it was like a six-foot jump. And she was standing in my room just ready to pummel me. It was such a hard decision.

And I literally just had to be like, I can't, I'm gonna get, I had to climb my ass back into the room and be like, here's my flesh and body. It was crazy. I told you she called me the other day. My sister called me the other day. Oh, was it?

She like, I'm sorry for everything. Is she here? Your sister? No. Well, one time she was gonna surprise me in Philly. She doesn't know. Is she here? Your sister? No. Well, one time she was gonna surprise me in Philly. She doesn't know. Is she here? Jamie, are you here?

Wait, no, no, no, my cousin is here. Genevieve? Is Jamie here? Your name's Jamie? Okay, she's not here, she's not here. Jamie's here. You're not my sister, okay? I would know.

You're not my fucking sister. She said, she called me and she goes, I finally was able to forgive myself for beating you within an inch of your life all those years. And I was like, oh, did you? I'm clinically unlovable. I'm so glad you were able to let that go.

Anyway, so you were molested like eight times? No, I wasn't. Those were jokes I made up. Stop drinking that. That's what's fucking you up, dude. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're like freaking out. You need to touch me.

Do you need me closer to you? Yeah. I can feel your weird energy. The fact that you... All I ate was a Lunchable from the gas station. I know, you didn't eat a lot, and you didn't eat sugar. Yeah.

And then you just said, what were you saying yesterday? And it was four minutesable from the gas station. I know, you didn't eat a lot, and you didn't eat sugar. And then you just said, what were you saying yesterday? And it was four minutes ago. Well, last night was the stellar holiday party, which is they always have it like a couple months later because it's fun. And then it was Merry Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you have to be like, it's fine. We love it there. But she, i left and producer ethan said he showed up and jordan was sitting alone at a table i was not alone i was not alone a pile of candy i was with my candy how much is that an unhealthy amount it was okay i was told what is it ethan an ungodly amount. Okay, I was told... What is it, Ethan? An ungodly amount. Yeah.

Listen to me. I was hiding. You told me that my ex-boyfriend was there. I hid in that little corner. Oopsie poopsie, giant thing of candy. I found a new boyfriend. I stayed there for a couple hours. Yeah, but then you came into the green room

and you were like, my, my candy. I found candy! We all heard. I found three candies from like six years ago, I think. Don't tell me when it was from... that red light just went off. Oh. Does that mean we have to bring our first guest now?

I mean, we don't have to, but maybe we should. Are you wearing lipstick? Did you kiss somebody? Am I bleeding again? Yeah. Really? I bleeding again? Yeah. Really? I think I saw blood. What? You tried to kiss Shainer in the alleyway.

Oh, yeah. I thought it'd be fun. That was crazy. You were like, let's see how tall we are. And he goes back to back and he goes... You know when fighters face each other and they weigh in and then one of them's like, mwah?

I thought that'd be like a fun bit. He kept saying back to back and you wouldn't turn around. And then you said, let's touch our dicks together. Well, no, that was like a kidding time thing. All right, well, let's bring him in. You know him, you love him from the end podcast. One of my oldest friends to come,

one of my first friends to come, we met here in Philly. Ryan Shaner! That was a kidding. Are you real? Yes, yes, yes, yay! Yay! Yay! Oh my!

That I'm aroused. That was really fucking gay. That was nice. We didn't open our mouths. That's not... That's for the next live show. Were you thinking it the whole time while you were kissing? Like, should I pop it open?

Honestly, I was just trying to imagine anything else. I gotta be honest with you. I was like, you know what would be great? A root canal right now. Fucking getting punched in the balls by anybody. It made me think, I don't like guys with facial hair. I saw you have a reflection. You don't like guys with facial hair?

No, one time this guy, I thought he could blow me. And he was this Italian guy with a long beard. And right before he started to put his mouth on my flaccid penis, he goes, do you want the popper? And I was like, no. That's all you.

Dude. And then he was just sucking my... It was so small and grossed out by his prickly lumber beard. And he was like like, sucking on it like he was trying to suck out, like, a milkshake with, like, a straw, you know? And I said, no, thank you. I don't think this is gonna work. And he goes, you don't want it?

And I said, no. And he goes, okay, I will go. And I was like, see you later. When you were about to cum, you were like, I'm cumming, cumming, cumming. Dude. I'm cumming, cumming, cumming, coming Oh I got All over your Italian face Yo I swear to god

I was in Georgia two weeks ago And the woman behind the desk What? His name was Georgia? Georgia? I was at this quality In Fayetteville, Georgia. And the old, cute black lady

behind the desk, I go to get quarters to do my laundry, and she goes, you know who you look like? I go, who? And she goes, Luigi. And I swear to God,

I go, Luigi? I usually get Mario. And she goes, no, no, Luigi. And she already had it on her phone. Oh, my God. That means she was just Googling. She was like, who is... There it is. There he is.

And then when I checked out the next day, she goes, goodbye, Mr. Luigi. She saw you coming and goes, look at this Luigi motherfucker coming up right now. And she said, I hope I don't offend you. I said, he's a successful Italian plumber. It's a compliment. And then I said, you know who you look like?

Aunt Jemima. I said that the other day, and I said, she's a successful syrup lady. Let it go. What? She's a successful syrup lady? Yeah. Who?

Aunt Jemima. She's not successful. She's a slave. No, she wasn't. I think she was. No. That's why they recalled her. What?

They pulled her off the shelf. She can't have gone down. No way. Because we all felt helpless, and it was like the only thing we could do at the time. Is what? No, that's not true. We didn't all go to the shelves and say, down with Jemima.

That's not what happened. We weren't like, what do we do about BLM? And then we were like, I guess... Let's fix the syrup. Oh, my God. Did Ben's rice... Oh, you fuck! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

No, we don't tase each other. It's too scary. That's not a thing we do on this show. It's too scary. We don't tase each other. You fuck. You had your fun. Stop. I get it. That's a fun thing.

Oh, my God. Don't do it, Ian. Let me do it to myself. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're even. We're even. I think that aroused you more than the kissing It actually did Actually can you tase me while we kiss again Oh man

You need alcohol You don't need alcohol You just need a crush on your friend Yeah you just need a Slightly gay plumber to tase you while you kiss. That's all you need. You all right?

Stop. What? He tased me. I'm all shook up. You just pulled... You just... You just, in front of a giant audience, pulled something out of your nose,

looked at me and went, what? And then put it on me. Did you wipe that on her? Yes. He just went, what? I think that's worse than being tased. I'm going back over here.

Where are you going? Why? Because she's safe now. Because you keep cheating away from me, so I can't look at it. No, because you have a crush on Shainer. I don't have a crush on anybody. You were out back and you were like,

tell me about your car. Shainer, are you attracted to me? Duh. Then I can never fuck you. I meant, duh, you're fucking hideous. Duh. Give me the teaser. No, you went, duh is all I hear when you talk, you dumbass.

Yeah, there we go. Wow, that worked immediately. That was crazy. Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. I'm not! Okay. I would never tase Elaine. Okay.

Then I guess you could tase Jordan. We'll be right back after this. Summer's coming. Coming, coming, coming. Time to get rid of that chest hair blanket. Blanket, blanket, blanket, blanket, blanket. You've been working on all winter. Ew, hair yeah i know right oh make sure your grooming is on

point this season and level up with manscaped i don't i like chest hair you just said ew chest Oh, really? Yeah. You shaved it? You should use Manscaped. But don't shave it. Or shave it with Manscaped. Shave the undersides of your scroo... Ralphie beard. Ralphie beard. Manscaped is good for your scrotum because guess what?

I bought... You can do scrotum sexual. Yes, you can. They for your scrotum because guess what? I bought. Yes, you can. They want it scrotum. But you can't say like summer's coming with a moan. But you can say. Here's the thing. I got, you know, this is true.

I got a trimmer from Walgreens and I used it and it cut my face and I tried to shave my balls and it almost bled out. It was bad. I nicked my nut. I nicked my nut. That's why Manscaped is good. Good. Because it shaves you nice, doesn't cut you. You don't need ice.

I did need ice because of Walgreens. Damn you, Walgreens. We're probably not allowed to use that name either. I said damn. Well, they need to know. Walgreens, you're pretty means. And when you're going down south and your mouth is full of what the Lord gave you,

you don't want hair in there. What's with the hair in your mouth? It's bad. Shave the inside of your mouth Before you go down south That's what I'm saying You got hair on your tongue You're going to want to take that off You're going to want to clip it with manscape.com

Promo code B and E and Sky Sky is the promo code Jordan is half correct Get 20% off Free shipping With the code SKA at manscaped.com. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code SKA at manscaped.com. This is an upstate New York accent for a woman named Shannon. You're going to want to check out Manscaped. No, I work at Walgreens.

And you're going to, well, Walgreens, you made me chop half my sack off, which is why I'm going to Manscaped because I need to trim my chesticles with the besticles. Chesticles is unacceptable. And back to the show. The Rick Glassman poll.

I'm actually going to... We had guys from L.A. on the other day and they broke me and Ian's brain. Have you ever heard that? A podcaster from L.A.? They just do improv the whole time. It was so fucked up and they kept looking into the camera

going, we'll be right back. And me and Ian would like fall for it every time and be like, yeah, commercial? What's happening? In his basement? It was crazy. Can we try lighting the cigarette with it? We'll be right back. And me and Ian would like fall for it every time and be like, yeah, commercial? What's happening? In his basement? It was crazy. Can we try lighting the cigarette with it?

Why? You didn't. When? You tried it. Why? I tried many times. Years ago. It sparked, it did hurt it.

Oh, I think that's shorting it. I don't know. It's not, oh. This guy is a wealth of information, by the way. I thought... I mean, it's good to see... Also, you know, nine-year-olds are suckers for left hooks, too. It's fucking... It's good to see Tommy Cheeseballs from MTV True Life

is doing well. I work construction. Oh, is this fucking coffee all over the place? Oh, no, that's from when you sneakily tased me. Get your elbow out of it. I don't know. Can you guys kiss again?

No. That was crazy. I've been watching a lot of that stuff. I regret it's been taped. Wait, you've been watching a lot of what? No. Gay porn? You've been watching gay porn? Well, just like, there's been taped. Wait, you've been watching a lot of what? Nothing. Gay porn? You've been watching gay porn?

Well, just like, there's two guys. You don't say. What? Nobody else shows up? That's usually how it goes. And somebody needs something fixed. And then they... You watch bro porn?

No, I... It's mechanic No, it's mechanic porn. It's mechanic porn. You know what I've been getting into is therapy porn where the therapist is like you know what? It's so good. It's why every time I talk to you you're like I'm really enjoying therapy.

Dude, I come to my therapist all the time because he's this old gnarly I come to my therapist all the time because he's this old, gnarly. I come to my therapist all the time because he's not allowed in my head. So the second I'm about to come, he in walks Alan and he's like, Jordan. And I'm like, yes.

Yeah. Anyway, therapy porn rules because they're like the way to fix each other is to do that. And then they're just being told what to do. Preferably if it's siblings, step-siblings, I mean. And then they're like, you guys have to stop fighting. And they're like, how do we do that?

It's pretty good. It's so good. Although the therapist is always super hot, which is like a dead giveaway. I want them to have like a gnarly Jewish man. I had to play a therapist in an audition today. It sounded like a porn. Tell them your line.

Oh, yeah. OK, so they go, oh, should I just play it? Yeah. Okay, first of all, the thing was like, we're looking for a schlubby balding therapy type. And your agents are like, I fucking nailed it.

I hate that. When you get the email and it's like, we need an old woman to play a ceramic art teacher. And I'm that, when you get the email, and it's like, we need an old woman to play a ceramic art teacher, and I'm like, fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah.

One time, one time I had to do a thing, and they were like, they couldn't just be, like, hourly, like, Jewish! Yeah, yeah. They were like, can you be more New York eccentric? You know? It's a classic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. New York eccentric. All right, ready? You live in a very eccentric part of town, Ian. Ian. Let me take off my skeleton gloves. Yeah. I stay at the show, because guess who's gonna be on stage? It's going to be...

Leonard Kravitz. I'm hard. He's Lenny Kravitz. We put that name on the marquee. People will buy tickets. Find the line. Well, I'm a therapist. She Lenny Kravitz. We put that name on the marquee. People will buy tickets. Find the line. Well, I'm a therapist. She barged into my office,

and I was in the middle of seeing a patient. What would he do? Can you sing? This is dirty. No, but like the other Lenny, I, too, have torn my pants such that my penis has popped out. Are you guys joking? At least I'm trying.

What have you done for the group this whole tour? Whoa, strong words. Let's unpack that here. Get back, Kravitz. Clearly, your inner child is screaming right now. If I get it, this will be a memory. Will you send that to me? No.

And then I had to do another one today where I had to go around and be like, I love New York City, my neighborhood. That was the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. Stand outside my door to be like my neighbor, and I was like, just be my neighbor. And I walk by and I go, hello, and he goes, fuck you. I didn't even know you guys were a side.

Why does everyone in my neighborhood have a dumb mustache? God damn. That's what you had to say? No, we improv. Who were you playing? Just a guy? Myself. He was playing an eccentric New Yorker. Really?

Oh, do you want more bagel? Do you want more allergies? Can you be more, uh... Is seltzer a Jewish word? Seltzer. What? I always think about that. Whenever I'm like, can I have a seltzer?

I always feel like it's like... Jewish. Same with snooze. Seltzer? It's like schvitz. Is that Jewish? Schvitz is Jewish. Oh, schvitz. Is that Jewish? Schvitz is Jewish. Oh yeah.

Is saltsa a Jewish? I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. Can somebody Google that? A saltsa? A saltsa, give me a saltsa. A saltsa.

Like a club soda was a way for Germans to be like, it is not saltsa, it is club soda. That was a Russian. Club soda. That was... Okay, you do a German accent. It's a seltzer! Oh, that was good.

That was pretty good. That's why I'm an actor, baby! Now do, now do. Oh, oh, hello, welcome to our fear circle. Tell her, Dracus. Do Christopher Walken. I, uh, a mouse in a cup of cream. Why would you talk like that? That's good.

And a watch was in a man's ass. That was good. That was good. And your father held it in his ass for a long time. He doesn't say father. You sound like a Japanese man imitating Christopher Walken. We have founded this universe. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my God.

Okay, so I brought Shaner to Detroit with me. So much fun. He's so gay. Oh my God. We made out three times. We watched, I made you watch Vegas Vacation with me in the hotel room. Baby's Vacation? Vegas Vacation.

Oh, okay. Anyway, we were doing, like, Japanese, like, you have broken my honor. You have, uh, dishonored my family. Everybody just says dishonor. Say anything but dishonor. So we said goodbye to each other in the elevator, and five minutes later I get a phone call

because he told me he was in the elevator alone going, I have to take a massive shit. So I was in the elevator laughing to myself, like, I have to take, I have to dishonor the toilet. Oh, I have to take a massive shit. Like laughing to my... No one else is in the elevator. Until.

So the elevator opens and I have my head down. I'm like, I have to go and take the most dishonorable shit. And as I look up, there's three of the hottest chicks in the planet. No. Staring at me, I'm like, hey, how you doing? I've got to go. Just got to go. And then he called me and told me,

he laughed, and then it was his moment, like, all right, man, I'll see you later. And then I took the most dishonorable shit. Dude, the look on their face, like, it looked like I was having a stroke trying to hold in shit. Dishonored, but he's cheating. Oh, you take out the most dishonored bullshit. Yeah, I do Chet Hanks a lot with me and Mike.

How's that? He's an opener. Chet Hanks? Yeah, I'm not going to do it here. No, do it. The patois? My father going to be on the red carpet. You know?

That's Chet Hanks. Jordan, please. He's going to win an award. I mean, what do you think this is? And we've gotten in a lot of trouble for that. A lot. Who got in trouble? Me and Jake. We do it a lot.

Just restaurants. What? Yeah. Just restaurants? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna take the waffles home with me. You know what I mean? Like that.

And then people get mad. I did it on stage because I was talking about my mom grew these like giant weed plants in my family in my childhood bedroom and what dude I came home the door the doorknob was missing off of my door and I was like mom what the can I go in here and she was like no and she was like laughing hysterically and I was like what is happening and she's like I can't tell you I can't tell you and I was like I can literally I have to get in here and then I listen and I hear Bob Marley playing and I was like what the fuck is going on and I like smelled fertilizer and I was like are you like what is happening and then she opens it and it's like to the ceiling plants

giant weed plants that she was growing to pay my tuition. With, she put the vent. That's a good mom. I know. That's a great mom. That's a good mom. But she put the vent, the vent for them out onto the street, so it just reeked of pot all around my house. Yeah, you had to let everyone know yours was a fun house.

Yeah. But then somebody broke in in the middle of the night, took all the plants. What? All of them. Yes, because she was literally had a sign of stench like a cartoon being like, come here, potheads.

That sounds like a challenge in Grand Theft Auto. I know. Break into this poor person's drug house. All the plants. And don't wake the daughter

while she sleeps. She wasn't even mad about it. She was like, ah, you win some, you lose some. It was like somebody was in our home. Wow.

She's crazy. One time I came downstairs and there was just a guy sitting at the kitchen island and he just had one eye. You win some, you lose some. It was like somebody was in our home! Wow. She's crazy. One time I came downstairs, and there was just a guy sitting at the kitchen island, and he just had one eye, and he had a ponytail, and I walked downstairs. I walked downstairs, and he just turns to me and goes, Hey. And I just went, Hey.

And I went back upstairs, and I was like, Hey, Mom, there's, like, a really large tattooed man with, like, a glass eyeball. And she was like, That's Dave. He just got out of prison. I'm fucking him for your tuition yeah yeah dave vitamins are expensive for her for meth also but she's yeah she's a lover the guy with the glass eye ponytail i know can you believe it

dave dave he's a sweet guy but i got i got addicted to meth i got advice on how to deal with bullies from the construction workers at our house and the guy who was like... Don't compare that to my mother. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. I saw you connect construction worker to my mother. She didn't wear a hard hat. Those are harsh words.

She didn't wear a hard hat. Let's unpack this. She had a nail bag. Those were my acting. What? She didn't have a hard hat. You're imagining a hard hat, aren't you? No.

That's disrespectful. You said there was a freak guy in your house. Okay. And we had freak guy construction workers. And the electrician walked in on me dancing to If You Want to Be My Lover alone in the living room. And he looked at me and he goes,

Don't do that again. I was like, Alright, I'm all right put a lock on this one and then i was getting made fun of at school and the the guy who was like a heroin out of construction work was like he's what you do at recess you just punch him in the back of the head and run away so i did and then i didn I see the guidance counselor. Dude, you know what I just realized? Every single time you tell a story about your childhood

for the last however many years we've been friends, every single time I'm imagining it with a little kid with a mustache. Every single time, balding, little mustache. No, no, what? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Just with the receding like that, but a little boy. Fuck you. I can't! Yes, yes, yes, yes. Just with the receding like that. But a little boy.

Fuck you! I can't believe it, but that's the truth. Every time you've talked about getting molested, I'm imagining you with a mustache as a little kid. Ian, you do look like the oldest kid with progeria. That's what you look like. Good, thank you for not laughing heartily at that. Now shut up and kiss me again.

Oh my God. Hey, these are jokes. Let's bring my boyfriend out. Why don't we bring Tim out? Yeah. Huh? Tim Butterly? Yeah.

Tim Butterly. Tim. Timmy. From Dad Meat, Stoner Dads, and our concert pal, the funniest dude around, Tim Butterly. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, go over there. I should have had you bring my hat.

Oh, no. Do you want your hat? I'll get your hat. No, no, no. Jordan, no. Is this seriously where my microphone is? What the heck, dude? I'm a big, tall guy. I can't do this all night. That was for me. Oh, that's Tim's hat.

I feel like I botched my entrance because I heard my name nine times, and I was like, now's the time to walk out. And then it was for me. Oh, that's Tim's hat. I feel like I botched my entrance because I heard my name nine times and I was like, now's the time to walk out. And then it was just awkward. What did you think that we were just out here being like, Tim, get ready for Tim. The first time is when you could have come out. It's on my backpack.

It felt like I was in trouble. It felt like I was about to get yelled at. Tim Butterly is my favorite podcast guest to date. Not. What? Heck yeah. that. Tim Butterly is my favorite podcast guest to date. Not what... Heck yes. Thank you. Thank you. You're one of the only people I've ever met in New York who isn't a total piece of shit.

Thank you. Thank you so much. No, I'm just kidding. Everyone in New York rules. We went to a turnstile show together where Ian bought fake tickets. Oh my God. And none of us could get in to see the show. Oh my God. You bought fake tickets?

Because he bought them on Instagram. Dude. Ian. And you were DMing the woman, being like, hey, I think maybe you sent us fake tickets. There's something wrong with my tickets. Dude, watching Ian get embarrassed might be the most saccharine taste in the entire... Oh, my God, dude.

Whoa, look how much it's a ride. I could suck on that all night. Saccharine. Dude, watching Ian stand at the front of the line with four friends waiting to get him behind him at a sold-out show and being like, what do you mean they're not real? Dude, all of us watching from outside

as he's up at the ticket thing and he's like showing her the phone and she's just like, The Indian lady I bought these from on Instagram said they're real. You remember this? You walk up to her. Yeah, I remember it.

You keep showing, you keep holding your phone up to the glass and we just keep seeing the lady go. Yeah, and you're like. Is there something wrong with the scanner? That's a valid question to ask. So, yeah, guess what? A buddy of mine showed up. He had extra tickets, got us in.

We swindled the old guy at the door. And we got in right when turnstile went on. We didn't swindle. We did fool an old man. Yeah. Yeah, we said, we all going to go smoke. No, we harassed him enough. We kept rotating cast members, going up to him, until he was like, just walk through.

For the love of God, I wouldn't have stopped you the first time. Each one of us, please, can we please? Please, my friends are counting on me. And then I realized that I had a ticket the whole time because months ago you had been like, I'm buying it off Instagram. And I was like, that's bullshit. And I bought my own that I forgot about. And then I realized I had it, but I couldn't go in because

you were all sad outside. But it was really fun. Dude, she almost got him again because the scammer on Instagram said, oh, no, that's an old barcode. I have to upgrade it. You just need to send me 20 more dollars. And that's when I was like, Sherrod, you are.

No way, dude. Yo, Ian showed his face to his camera for Apple Pay. He was like, sure thing. You're a liar. Bullshit, dude. I had to stop. I had to grab your wrist to stop you from sending her more money.

No, because I asked the woman You were going to do it. You were going to do it. You were going to do it. Because I wanted to get us in. And guess what? I fucking told her she was a bitch. And I said I have a sizable Instagram

following and you're messing with the wrong one. You were talking to a bot controlled by an African child. You're not really a great person. You were like, there's a photo of her. I said you're not a good person. This isn't what nice people do.

You said there's a photo of her. It has to be real. There's a picture of the lady. You can't fake a barcode. It was nuts, dude. So fun to watch. Here's the thing. It is crazy that you say that you saw that

and you're like, now I know it's a shroud because you're immediately like, oh, thank God. All I have to do is pay $20 more at Maria. Yeah, and if this didn't happen, we wouldn't have a fun tale to tell. That's true. So you're fucking welcome, asshole friend.

We got in. Yeah. We went to that. We got in right when they came on and was it or was it not fun? It was a lot of fun. And we're having fun right now. Wow. Remember?

$40? That was a steal. We went to the diner and we were like, me and Olivia were like, there's something that smells like shit. Like absolute, like horrible, horrible shit. It was a mop. And you're like, stop, stop saying that. And we turned and there was just like a disgusting wet mop. And then something happened where like,

you didn't do something about it. There was something and I watched her face change. And I think that's when the relationship ended. I'm pretty sure it was the mop. I'm pretty sure. Ooh. You were the mop, bitch. Sticky, scraggly hair motherfucker.

I just remember seeing her face be, look at the mop, and you were eating something weird. No, no, no, no. You were eating like, You had like sour cream with a spoon or something, and I just remember her being like, it's over. First of all, it was cottage cheese. Second of all,

she was upset because when, Because you were twirling the mop on the fork? No, because we finally found each other, She was upset because when... Because you were twirling the mop on the fork? No, because we finally found each other. Because when we went in, I kind of ditched her so I could mosh. You put her with me? Yeah, and then, well, you're girls.

I moshed the whole time. I had to abandon this poor thing. She had all of our stuff. I wanted her to mosh with us. Nothing gets girls wetter than being ditched to mosh. I know this. When you're with me, you should know I'm gonna mosh. Hang out here, babe.

It's gonna get pretty intense. Well, and then, we were getting water, and Holiday came on. I go, I gotta go! Dancing my way to the dance floor. You said, take my fanny pack. That's how the night started, take my fanny pack. That's how the night started.

Hold my fanny pack. And then I was like, I'll stay with you. And then I remember at one point being like, would you take my backpack? So she just was settled up. And then three weeks later, she left me. We went to Les and Jake, and I was trying to skank while telling you what happened. She walked into an invisible girlfriend wall

in front of the venue. Just bonk. Sorry, dude. It's just losers only in there. You want this? Yeah, but that's cool, man. That's cool you got river. What?

I don't know. Says the married man. I thought you were like punk on it. No. Oh, well then I'm sorry. I'm sorry that that fell apart for you. It's still cool. It's still cool. I thought it was bro time. I'm sorry that that fell apart for you. It's still cool. I thought it was bro time. I'm sorry, dude.

I didn't know you were grieving the loss of someone that you love. We got brutally dumped around the same time, right? Well, you keep getting it dumped. What was that? That was the cap. The cap to the thing. Oh, okay. Keep that. I always try and fling it

and if it flies, it means it's a good show. When try and fling it, and if it flies, it means it's a good show, like, when I do stand-up. And if it falls to the ground, I'm like, it's a bad show. It's an OCD thing. I shouldn't do it. It's a vape spirit stick. Yeah. Look at all these people supporting your mental illness. Ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That wasn't a dig. That was a nice, sweet thing. No, it was nice. They were nice about it. It is a good show. You're mad at me because of the cottage cheese comment? And if you want to tase me, you can.

It was gross to watch you eat cottage cheese. And there was a mop bucket smell. And I do remember being like, I think it's over. No! Good. Thank you for getting my back hey what happened to me is a guy on the train was so fat and he was he was so fat and he was wearing a tiny little bicycle cap on top of his head tiny little bicycle helmet and I was like I wonder why he's doing that big fat guy and he kept falling asleep and tipping and his helmet would hit the train side of the

train and then he would tip back up and i started laughing so hard i was crying laughing and i couldn't catch my breath i was laughing so hard and the guy that i was dating wasn't laughing at all stone-faced and i was like down in like sumo and i like was like almost i couldn't get it together and the guy could i expected my laughing to wake him up and he would just tip and go right back up. And then we got off the train, got into my house and he was like, it's over. And I was like, okay. It's true, it's 100% true.

I always get broken up with for weird things like that. Like when I'm out of, when I like can't. Well, that's when you and I came to the conclusion of like maybe the key to love is not showing who you really are. Oh, yeah. Because when we really expose who we are, that's when people are like, no, thank you. Dude, we were talking outside the cellar.

We were so depressed. And we were like, yeah, maybe we just need to hide ourselves. Hide where? And then that little cute girl came up to us, and she goes, we're outside the cellar, and she goes, are you guys famous? And we go, no, chanted into her face, yelled at her no. And she goes, you're not Ian and Jordan? And we both went, yes.

And like, we're immediately like, you know what? Fuck our exes, we're the best. This little girl's like, yeah. It was great. And then, do you remember also that time when we were outside the cellar, we were, I was like, yeah. It was great. And then, do you remember also that time when we were outside the cellar? I was like so mad. And then in between me being like, this fucking bullshit,

and this fucking blah, blah, blah, everything drowned out, and there was a man down the street being like, it's okay for another man to love another man. And I was like, God? That was crazy. He was. And I was like, God? That was crazy. He was 150 years old being like, you're sexually rigid. All of you need to

open up a little bit. And I was like, what's going on? Are you throwing your voice? What's happening? Remember the blind guy too? Oh yeah, this blind guy was fucking tapping next to cars. We're in the middle of a conversation and Ian goes, we're both so depressed. We're always depressed.

And Ian goes, and this fucking guy. And I turn around and blind guy is just smacking cars with a blind stick. And then he comes up and he goes, can I get a cigarette? I'm like, yeah. And he goes, and by the way, I'm not blind. Oh yeah, no, he walks up to us

and you're smoking a cigarette. And he goes, can I have a cigarette? And you go, no. No, I gave him one. No, because that's why he said I'm not blind. I gave him one and he wanted a light and I said no. No. No, I didn't give him a cigarette.

You didn't give him a cigarette because you didn't, I don't think you had the pack or something. So I hand him a $100 bill. Yeah, I don't know why you're lying. And he goes, I'm not blind with like glazed over blind eyeballs. Yeah, but then I was getting into a cab and these guys are helping him off the street. And I look out the window and I go, he's faking it. And I shut the door and we drove off.

And then the third almost killing ourselves time outside there, me and you were in a spiral. The rat. It saved my life. And I was like, I like want to die. I think I want to die. And you outside there, me and you were in a spiral. The rat. It saved my life. And I was like, I like want to die. I think I want to die. And you're like, me too. And I turn in a fat, here's in New York, on the train tracks, skinny rats.

They're slender, they're sleek. That's the rat that I would want to be. I would live underground to be skinny. No, they know. They're called heroin addicts. Huh? What? And then the rats above ground are fat.

And we saw one jump into a hole, and it was so fat that it got plugged. Yeah, and his little rat feet were like this. But then it just slipper kicked and then slid down. Like, it was so used to it. Like, its fat was like part of its journey. It was awesome. You ever see a rat ass explode?

Somebody tried to kick it through something too small? What? Stop it! So this bar I worked at. No, I don't want to hear about a rat getting explode? Somebody tried to kick it through something too small? Stop it! So this bar I worked at. No, I don't want to hear about a rat! Shut up, Jordan! Wait, wait, wait. Don't leave.

Okay, I'm listening. No, she's right there. This is disgusting and awesome. So I was working at this bar, and I was moving kegs in the basement. I'm so excited! Moving kegs in the basement, and this kitchen worker,

I hear him like giggling in the corner. He's like, I hear him, like, giggling in the corner. He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I look over, he goes, ah, oh, come back, come back. And there's this fucking rat the size of a fucking... Keep going. He's such a cunt. The size of a bitch knocking things down. I'm sorry.

This fucking rat the size of, like, a fucking tangerine trying to get through this hole. And his little legs are kicking, and I'm like... Don't rat the size of like a fucking tangerine trying to get through this hole. And his little legs are kicking. Don't! Don't hurt him! I'm like, ah, that's pretty fucking funny. No, no, no. And the guy goes, he goes, he goes,

meet up, meet up. Almost like splotches. Was he a crazy guy? No, he was just a regular migrant. Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Run of the mills. Yep, yep. Came here on a bus called the SS Soros.

Yep, yep, yep. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So I'm looking at it, and I think in his mind, he thought he was going to help the rat. No! He thought he was going to help the rat. He was going to kick it, and it was going to go... And it was just going to go right through, but he kicks it like fucking fucking Anderson the Spider Silva.

Just fucking. And what he does, it explodes like a fucking balloon. Really? Really? Yeah. Really? And it fucking blew up and rat ass was everywhere. That is the most Philly sounding thing I've ever heard.

Rat ass? Rat ass. I think I would've kicked it. I get it, I get it. Oh, I saw this rat ass explode. That fucking rat ass was fucked, dude. Anyway, that's why we call Kevin Daugherty rat ass. Hey, man.

That's why we call Kevin Darkity rat ass. Yeah, baby. But what's up with you? You say your mom always dead or something? Normal side, fucked up side. I saved a rat. I mean, I didn't save it, but I didn't do anything to a rat. You watched it. Huh?

Huh? I didn't watch anything. What did I watch? We watched the rat go through the hole. Right, but he was living. Yeah, no, his guy kicked it. Yeah, so don't, I'm not on the fucked up side. So why is she fucked up?

Have you not listened to her? Oh, yeah, I'm fucked up. Yeah, it was like on different levels. I kind of get it, though. If I had seen a rat, I would have, my compulsive, I would have, yeah. I was super excited. I was like, yeah, kick that fucking thing. I was like, yeah, get it through there.

I'm getting... The older I get... I saved a cockroach the other day. Did you just say cockroach? Cockroach. No, cockroach. I saved a cockroach. Dude, I haven't watched too much Sebastian Maniscalco. I don't really get freaked out by animals

unless I see a little cockroach. Every time I see a cockroach, I cover my vagina. Do you guys do that? What? What? What about your vagina? Every time I see a cockroach, I immediately cover my vagina. Oh, because you think it'll go in?

What if it does? Oh, what if it does? What if it lives in there? Remember that one kid who ran podcasts who got a cockroach stuck up here? Leif? Remember that guy? What? He got a cockroach stuck up in his navel. Oh, stop, man. And it lived there for some time. Are you sure you ran a

podcast when you just died? It sounded like you were telling a fairy tale. For some time. Oh, and then he lived there for some time. And for the rest of their days, they remained cockroach and man. Well, a long time sounds insane, but there was some amount of time

it was in their living. It was enough time to have a rest and a snack and stuff. It wasn't just like a couple hours. He lived in a village in Indonesia? How did that happen? He lived in New York City. Imagine getting your brain rat tattooed

by a roach in New York City. He's just crawling under every door in the apartment. That would suck. Making the worst... He's just making, like, maggot-covered pizza and shit. Stop, stop, stop, stop, man. So, wait, could he breathe?

Like, how did he find out there was a fucking rat roach up there? He had a... Oh, stop, man. Oh, so he had a... Oh, that's the penthouse for roaches. That was just for you, friend. Yeah, there was a lot of breathing room,

to say the least. Oh, was he New York eccentric? Yes. Man, these guys probably got a lot of cockroaches He drank a lot of seltzer. A lot of seltzer. When a roach realtor sees a Jew nose go on the market, ooh!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, dude. So, wait, how the fuck did he get it out there? Yeah, how did he get it out? I think he went into the doctor,

and he was like, there's something going on. Squatter's rights. And they went... Snotter's rights. Oh! That's good. What about schnauzer's rights? Did he live in the boogie down Bronx?

Not as good. Don't do that. Hold for applause. And then they pulled it out and it was fully alive and it had been living off of his boogers. Oh. They survive off of like nothing. Did it lay eggs or anything up there?

I don't know. But there was the bot fly guy. if it had been living off of his boogers. Oh. They survive off of like nothing. Did it lay eggs or anything up there? I don't know. But there was the bot fly guy. That's why I don't step on bugs. Bot fly guy. You know about that guy? I know about that guy. Where he thought he was schizophrenic.

Bill Nye the bot fly guy. My friend got bot flies in her hip and she lured it out with a chunk of meat. Stop, man. That's awesome. Wasn't that cool? That's fucking awesome. It was cool. That's awesome.

She was in like Guatemala and she didn't speak Spanish and she was like, there's, you know, and they're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, and they like brought a steak over, like raw meat. And she's like, what are you doing? And then they like, like the larva squirt, squeaked out of her. She can't orgasm.

Isn't that crazy? Although, wait, is she here? Are you here? Yeah. No, okay. She does live in Philly. She can't come.

Although sometimes I thought she was making it up because she would date these dudes and then they would try really hard to make her come. And I was like, that's kind of a good point. Be like, I can't come. See what you can do. Got a case of the old bot fly. Had a larva down here, so.

Do your best. Kind of got a larva situation in my pussy. Try to make a moth fly out of my fucking pussy, please. Bring your forceps and an appetite. Oh, God, what are you doing? Stop. Dude, I just watched Silence of the Lambs. Man, I think it might be one of the... I mean, I've seen it a lot, but I really,

it's just maybe one of the best. Is she a lesbian? No, she's a great big fat person. She is a lesbian! That's me every time I have sex with a man. I love how we keep going to Alexa. I'm like, is she a great big fat person? Wait, wait.

Wait. Every time. As soon as I get on top of a guy, if my shirt comes off, is she a great big fat person? Would you fuck me? That's me. Is she a great big fat person? I tried to talk about that on stage,

but nobody knows that specific line. What? That's the line. Everybody knows that. No, they know the line. They know the line of would she fuck me, but they don't know the, is she a great big fat person? Everybody does.

He's amazing. Everybody in this room just said it. Dude, everybody knows the line and everybody knows the bugs and Taz thing is cool. Whoa. Right? Thank you. See?

Thank you. I hate it. Why do you hate it? Because it's triggering to my trash upbringing. What? Because I had Taz and Bugs with the Criss Coss. Wait, did someone take the ears off of it? Oh, yeah.

This is, I got. The ears were good. The ears were great. Tony, I thought you were bitching about just the way that is. Yeah, dude. What do you mean the way what is? What's wrong with this? Because, okay, the thing that makes it good...

I don't know who you are. Shut the fuck up. I don't know why that guy's like, if I say it's good, it's good, and now this is the third time I've said it's good, so one more time. That was great. That was insane.

That's like Butterly offstage. You're like, Tim, Tim, and he comes out and he goes, I didn't know which Tim to come out to. That's like, butterly offstage, you're like, Tim, Tim! And he comes out and he goes, I didn't know which Tim to come out to. This is, if Bugs and Taz are in a funny outfit, it's ironic it's Bugs and Taz. They're not in here, so it's just us in crisscross outfits. And that's what it is!

I still don't see the problem. I'm not as old as you, you old man. So this is just, this is just like a shitty Palm Beach sprayed on sweatshirt that somebody would give me that peed in my bed. You know what I mean? That's cool. That's the point, you dumb bitch.

How do you not get it? I'm not far enough away from it. It's triggering. Next time we'll do something your age and make us as Teletubbies or whatever your fucking dumb childhood at. Teletubbies is a good idea. We should do that.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I want to be Poe. Yeah. Or what if I'm the woman in your lamb chop? Oh, I love lamb chop. It's way funnier the other way around. Yeah. Yeah, wait, what?

You're obviously Lamb Chop. He's like, I want to be the woman. I'll be Lamb Chop. I don't give a shit. Shove your hand on my ass. Let's go. Why not? I don't give a fuck. I'll be Lamb. That's fine. I'll be a baby lamb instead of a woman. Fine. Fine.

Oh, man. Silence of the lamb chop. Ooh! I'll be the lesbian, obviously. The woman in the hole? You'll be the guy who throws the cum. Dude, when that scene happened. Oh, Migs.

Love it. Migs. Multiple Migs. It's the best. When that shit happened, I was like, this is just like every day. Right? When that happened and it was like, dude, I'm gonna throw the cum. I'm gonna throw the Migs. I'm gonna Oh, Migs. Love it. Migs. Multiple Migs. When that shit happened,

I was like, this is just like every day. Right? When that happened and it was like the big thing and he was like, the race! I was like,

nobody does that to me on the train when I get it whipped at me. I'm just like, I just matrix. You know what I mean? She took it like a champ too. She took it right to the fucking face. She didn't even do the face.

She is a lesbian, right? They allude to that. How is she a lesbian? Like multiple times. I think it was mostly like a wardrobe thing. Huh? I think it was mostly her wardrobe thing. Yeah, it's not a thing.

Her penis. She has the lesbian lips, the lacrosse lips. Because Lecter's like, does Jack Crawford ever think about fucking you in the ass, Clarice? Ever think about fucking Jack Crawford? She's like, no, Dr. Lecter, I don't think about that. Yeah, he kept being like, do you ever think about fucking Jack Crawford? She's like, no, Dr. Wicker, I don't think about that. Yeah, he kept being like, do you ever, and she was like, absolutely not, and then she kept looking at that other woman.

Remember the other woman? Going to Lilith Fair. Well, you know. I had to think about going to Lilith Fair. Thank you. One guy liked it. I didn't know what you said. What did you say?

Maybe don't say it repeated again. I don't know what it was, but it didn't work. Set me up. How do I set you up? How did they know she was a lesbian? How did they know she was a lesbian? Because she wanted to go to Lilith Fair. Lilith Fair was like a lesbian.

It's an old person thing It's around the same time as this What's the light? Does that mean we have to go? Or is there another guest? Oh yeah we should go So why don't we bring Do you guys want to ask questions or advice?

Questions I love questions Naeem will come out Raise your hand We'll call on you And for a little bit We'll do some question and answer Naeem

Do you have just a whole ass iPad in there? Yeah I'm already on my job bro Look at. Naeem. Do you have just a whole ass iPad right now? Ian. I'm already on my job, bruh. Look at this. Look at this. Well, I don't wanna be racist, but I cannot see you, Naeem. Nope, you won't be able to see me, Ian.

Is he black? Is that a black man? I'm out here with the people, Ian. That's why. Oh. We're making the black man do the chores? Not good. Yeah, you are.

Not good. Not a good look. What is this, 1870? What are we doing? Not a good look. Thank God I'm here. The woman. Yeah, you are. Not good. Not a good look. What is this, 1870? What are we doing? Not a good look. Thank god I'm here, the woman. Yeah. All right, who's up? Is there a question over there?

What a question is that? Ooh, ooh, ooh, blonde girl. Right back there. Don't call on this retard over here. Here we go, blonde girl. What you got? Bond girl? What are the gloves all about?

Oh, I just thought it'd be fun. Oops. The gloves, Ian. Next question. Oopsie poopsie. She's had too many. Swing and a miss. Two drink minimum. out on the... I just thought it'd be fun. The gloves, Ian. Oopsie poopsie. She's had too many. Two drink minimum. Okay, I'll tell you this. Okay, on the way here today, James and Ethan and Pat, they came in and they were like, dude, we gotta

bring fun stuff from the studio. So we brought the proton pack, that, the shofar and this. And it's like, yeah, it'll be a good time. I've never seen the gloves in my life. Well, I found them on the way out. I was like, this will be a fun thing for Jordan to wear. We were outside and we're like, what should we do? And you're like, you want to wear the gloves?

I was like, what gloves? You're like, Dan's gloves. I was like, his gloves? And you're like, not his gloves, just gloves that he wore. And I was like, like him? And you were like, no, like, you know, just gloves like the ones he wore. And I was like, absolutely not.

And you're like, okay, good, good, good, good, good. No. Now they're on you, I like it. Yeah, that's why. Next question. You're on you. I like it. Yeah. That's why. Next question. You're going to be so mad later when you look at the footage

and you're not wearing a hat and you have the gloves when I was like, no gloves, hat. I don't care. Next question. Let me pick somebody. Want me to pick? Yeah.

Is there a... Here we go. Here we go. What's up? Two questions, technically. Are there any new hardcore bands you guys would recommend? Yes. And are either of you guys going to This Is Hardcore in Philly in August?

Oh, I can't go to This Is Hardcore in Philly in August. But, man, oh, man. Oh, dude, there's this band out of Salt Lake called Spent. They're a straight edge band, and they sound a lot like Strife, and they're really good. And also this band out of Salt Lake called Spent. They're a straight edge band and they sound a lot like Strife and they're really good. And also this band called Absolved. And then if you want like street beatdown, there's this band called Snake Eyes.

E-Y-E-Z. And that's pretty, you should check them out. Okay, somebody just showed me this. Expello. There's a woman in the band. Boo. Oh, Scal. Scal is really good. Really good. Just found out about it. Very good.

Very, very into it. If you want to listen to some of the bands... James, what's the one you told me about? Not One Truth. Thanks, Not James. Oh, Currents. Currents. Yeah. Look up Flat Spot Records. They have Currents. Currents, yeah. Yeah. Look up Flat Spot Records.

They have a roster of like really good fucking bands. Where did we just get merch from? What was that band? Flat Spot Records. No, no, no, the merch. Oh, Soul Blind. Soul Blind. Yeah, check out Soul Blind too.

They're good. Have you listened to them? Are you listening to any new bands? You guys listen to Chemical Fix? Yes, oh my God, Chemical Fix fucking rules. They're from Philly. Take the gloves off! The gloves are coming off!

The gloves are coming off, brother! There's a band I'd really want to stage dive to and they're called Chemical Fix. Heck yeah. Thanks for reminding me. New bands, though. They're new. Oh, Akulu's new.

Akulu is amazing. E-K-U-L-U. Shader, you probably listen to some real disturbing things. Yeah. Like what? I mean, Infinite Annihilator is amazing. Yeah! Yeah!

Fuck yeah, dude! Anybody else know I.A.? Yeah! Okay, four people in the fucking crowd. That's fucking cool. Well, you're introducing them to something new. It's pretty great. Obviously, new album, Incendiary.

Oh, yeah! Yes, yes. Nice. Anal cunt. Anal cunt. Hey, sir, quit talking about your wife. Dude, that was fast. That was fast. Ian.

I thought it was really good. Thank you. It was really fast. Thank you. Yeah. You'd be one of the rats in the downstairs. Thank you. Yeah.

All right. Let's do another question, Naeem. I have a little gift for Jordan. Yes. Oh, that's so nice. Yes. Come up and give it to her. What is it?

Is it a man to hurt me? Because I'll take it. I wish it for you would be a gift of self-love. That's never going to fucking happen, dude. What, are you crazy? Yeah. Oh, this is so nice. I'm also part of the show.

Oh, it's a little guy. Oh, you love little guys. Oh, it is a little guy. Show the guy. What kind of guy? It's a little guy. How do you know that I love little guys? Yeah! Okay, you guys, so when women have like what I have, which is, I'm not gonna call it borderline, but it's on the borderline of borderline. It's something borderline, borderline, something, blah, blah, blah.

They call it complex PTSD, which is very similar to Bordeaux. I don't do weird shit. I don't hurt myself, but I want to. They say that it helps when you have abandonment issues to hold on to little guys and with ADHD. So I love little guys. And then she got me a little elephant guy.

This is really sweet. Look at him. And for Ian, she brought a big guy. Wow, you really nailed it. He's so... Don't hurt him. Promise? Yes, I promise.

I don't trust you. Is that an elephant? Don't put it in your butternose. Oh, that's beautiful. It's a little elephant. It's really sweet. It's really sweet. I'm nearly lump in my throat.

I'm one day away from my period, so I'm very moved. Thank you. Yeah, we had to hear about that on the car ride. Day one. Yeah, day one. I think I have a cyst right there. Can you see it?

No, that's bot fly larvae. Oh, good. Put some meat in front of it. But we were talking about how trans people... Here we go. Uh-oh. I think that if it's free for them to become women, I should get my uterine cysts removed for free.

That's fair. Yes. Yeah. Tit for tat. And tampons free. Agreed. Yes. I agree.

And less trans people. Just kidding. Just kidding. That'm just kidding. Blow the horn. That's the joke horn. Here's another question. I need the little guy. Yep, he wants to ask one really bad. That guy sucks.

No, that guy's good. That guy is the one who likes to sign. You can keep it, guy. I don't think you suck. Okay, that guy's good. That guy is the one who likes to sign. You can keep it, guy. I don't think you suck. Okay, you can have it. I saw you with Dave Attell, but I just wanted to, but anyway, did either of you two get movement when you kissed?

What? I like how you specify. You don, movement. Yeah. Just a little Italian man pawing in his crotch. Yo, did you ever get movement down there? Yeah, my question's for the two homos. Did either of your penises get nighttime hiccups over the kiss?

You know when you ride the dragon at Seaside Heights and you get that feeling in your belly? Oh, man. Roll off. He said that so many times. All on three answer. One, two, three. Yes. No.

Oh, no. Wait, what? Shainer got butterflies in his pee-pee for nothing. Yeah, dude. Yes. No. Oh, no. Wait, what? Shainer got butterflies in his pee-pee for nothing. I did, dude. What a fool. It was... I will say, you had a pullback reaction. Oops, I did it again.

That's the best Ian I ever heard in my life. That sounds more like Ian to Ian. Let's go. What? What, Naeem? That sounds more like you to you. He's got you. He got you.

God damn it. Here, do it again. Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know that Tom 10 wants it right? I don't talk like that. You guys is lying. All right, another question. Where are we at? Another question right there.

I got three quick questions. Two are for Jordan and one's for Tim. One, are you guys actually burning that cardboard? No. All right, you guys lie. Two, you both are friends with Nick Mullen. Is it true that he's gay? And then three, for Tim, when's Fat Bitch Dark Souls coming out?

Oh, man. What's the last one? I don't know. When is my shark tooth coming out? Never. What did you say? Is Nick Mullingay absolutely not? No.

He's right here. Ask him. Believe me, I tried. I tried to suck his tooth. No, wait. Really? You tried that? That's nuts.

What the heck, dude? His third question, he was asking me about a video game that I'm creating a company to develop. What the heck, dude? His third question, he was asking me about a video game that I'm creating a company to develop. What? It's called Fat Bitch Dark Souls. Is that real? Yeah. Essentially, it's like an RPG

fighting game, except you play as a fat woman that fights on the bus at Walmart. You get in front of nightclubs and all the combat is grabbing on the wigs and shit and all the fat lady fight moves and shit. Yes! Anyway, dude, I have received resumes for this and I'm going to make it.

Yeah! Yo! That's amazing. The question was, is it as hard as Dark Souls? It's probably going to be harder. You're playing as a retarded woman. I didn't know Jordan was in the game. Anyway.

Why? What was I? Is it the fat bitch or the dark soul? Am I a fat bitch or a dark soul? Retarded woman. Oh, thank God. As long as I'm not fat, I'm fine. No, you look really hot. Thanks so much, Ian. Doesn't Jordan look hot? You know what was hot? Yeah. Thank you. Oh, thank God. As long as I'm not fat, I'm fine. Yeah, no. You look really hot. Thanks so much, Ian. Doesn't Jordan look hot?

You know it was hot? Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks. Totally. If you get breaking up with every day, you don't have to eat. I love the bangs. Thank you. I really do. Every time I go through a breakup, the bangs come back. You can look at photos in my hard

drive, and I'm like, oh, yeah, that was Paul. That was Scott. That was, oh, sorry. You tried to hurt me there, but I was already hurting myself. Hold your guy. No, the little guy. He is a little guy. I've been holding the little guy.

Yeah, I felt like I was leaving him out. Good one, Tim. Alright, let's do one more question and then we'll close this up. This has been really cool. Thank you guys for coming out. This is fucking amazing. Honestly, man, this is the first live podcast

we've done on the road, and it's really fucking cool that you guys came out. It means a lot. And you guys are the fucking best. Let's just wrap it up on that. Should we wrap it up? Yeah, you want to wrap it up on that. Should we wrap it up? Yeah, you want to wrap it up? Yeah.

I'm very proud of you. Yeah, we're proud of you. Oh, you guys are sweet, man. And you guys are my guys. It meant a lot to you guys. Damn! All right. Oh, fuck you!

Fuck you! No, I can't. I can't. No, don't do it to me. I wasn't going to do it. Get her butt cheeks. No! Now.

No! Okay. But for real cheeks. No! Now. No! But for real now. It's so fucking crazy. It's so fucking fun. It's so good. Dude. Now. Have you ever tried to take a fake gun and pull it? It's really hard to do. Like a fake gun. It can be like a toy gun.

And pulling the trigger. I kept trying to do it. And I was like, I was like, all right. That's why. Here we go. It's really, and that's how that feels. You just feel like this fucking retard running away from your own hand.

That's why if you're gonna kill yourself, don't put it in your mouth because it's the last second you'll flinch, you'll blow your face off. Yeah, it's really sweet. If you wanna, if you wanna kill yourself, pretend to kill yourself. It really helps.

When I kill myself, I'm going to get stuck in a pipe and have someone explode my ass for me. I'm going to get a Mexican guy to stomp my ass. Yo, that rat ass exploded. That's the show. You guys are the fucking best. We really appreciate it. Thank you so, so much.

Philadelphia, we love you. Let's go. so, so much. Philadelphia, we love you.