Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 043 : Alabama Wedding W/ Mike Vecchione

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content ! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Mike Vecchione | The Attractives (Full Comedy Special) Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5pI5Dj5JTk -Get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/SKA -Head to https://www.tryfum.com & use promo code SKA to save an additional 10% off on your order Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/  See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/upcoming-shows Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Mike Vecchione | The Attractives (Full Comedy Special) Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5pI5Dj5JTk Follow Mike Vecchione: https://www.instagram.com/comicmikev/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live a life being in being in with jordan why is my this bat floating around because i gave it to you socks yeah you said here's this bat floating around? Because I gave it to you. You got socks? Yeah, you said, here's this bat, which is like... Yeah, your bat. Okay, fine.

Oh, we can hang it today. Oh, blow the chauffeur. Here we go. No, no. Oh, new one. Oh. Oh You're getting good And that's the start to being Ian with Jordan I'm gonna go to the doctor

And they're gonna be like hey What? You have a weird like hot blood cluster on your heart Have you been blowing into a small horn? Have you been pushing a huge amount of air through a small lamb's horn? And thank you for tuning in to another wonderful episode of

B&E with Jordan. Do us a favor. Wouldn't it be great if you went to patreon.com slash B&E and pod? Huh? Because guess what? We ordered a taxidermied rat. We want to start getting more rats. That ghost almost looks like graffiti from the side.

That's cool. Flip it on the other side. What do you think about that? Racist? We have a guest here today with us, folks. Wow. It's Mike Vecchione. He has an incredible podcast.

Top three podcasts I've ever done. Yo, thank you. I swear to God. Really? I was nuts that day. So were you. Yeah, we were going off. We were crazy.

It was really a good one. Now, what's the podcast? I thought it was fun. It's Mike Vecchione Investigates. I would love to have you on. Yeah. We just, I investigate you a little bit and then we investigate topics together.

After I investigate you, then we go into topics together and Jordan killed it. I was like tripping I didn't do mushrooms, I didn't do mushrooms by microdose I was freaking out And I would say something non sequitur And he would just vault

And I was like, are you in this weird world with me? What did you investigate on her? Not on me I didn't know her background, how she started comedy All this stuff, so we got into that. We got into her mother, you know, deep issues with her mother, which I will not go into here. And then we do stories of the day. You know, we go through the news articles and really try to figure them out through a series of jokes.

Like he had a box that said grease trap on it for Italian people. It's racism against Italians. We were researching it in Edmonton at the big mall in Edmonton, the comic strip. In the back, there's a big sign that says grease trap. And I thought that that was an ethnic slur towards Italians. Keep the Italians in one bin. Yeah. Now, can I add something to that?

Sure. As an Italian. You thought that that was an ethnic slur. Grease trap. Now, in the Detroit airport, there's a shoe shining station, and it says Master Shine. Whoa. Now, is that the final boss in a black video game? Master Shine. Master Shine. Whoa. Now, is that the final boss in a black video game? Master Shine. Master Shine.

Is the final boss in Grand Theft Auto. That's so... What were you saying? What were you sitting on the other day? The shoeshine said Big Daddy and... Oh, at Moon Tower at Antone's. There's a big shoe shining station.

First of all, he's sitting in it looking at Luke Moniz. Me and Luke Moniz. You know Luke? No, I don't. He's like 6'7". He's tall. He's up in a thing. It was like a throne.

You feel like a king when you're getting your, basically on. It was like a throne. It was a shoe shine show. You feel like a king when you're getting your shoes shined. Yeah. People are servicing you. You're up high. I don't think it's okay to still have it. Family friend of mine in Delaware came here from Italy. I hate that thing.

I like it because it commands you to listen. Can I tell you what it's like? I'm going to tell you what it's like. What? I'm going to say this, and I don't mean any harm. Oh, here we go. It's a m'lady cane that somebody who loves a princess bride would wear somebody with pinstripes and a fedora.

Beckhune? Pinstripes and a fedora I liked. The other stuff I kind of didn't understand. Okay. Thank you. That's okay. Thank you. But that's because Jordan's high level.

Yeah. Princess bride. High level functioning autistic. What? Princess bride. His eye goes that way not because of autistic. What? Princess Bride. This eye goes that way not because of autism. It just goes that way. I mean, that thing.

Leave it alone. Two different drivers driving those cars. It's not true. It's because they're big. And this, let me explain this for all the readers. There's no one reading. This eyebrow, look, is perpetually up from going like this, right? So it's stuck up.

So this eyelid's down, making it look like that's going that way. But they're not. See? Okay. You had me at stuck up. Yeah. Can I say something back at the shoe shine? You guys move so fast.

You have quick brains. I don't know if you're on whatever the kids are doing now. Nothing. That's the scary part. You guys are on nothing. On nothing. On nothing. On nothing. Except for, you know,

the cold brew concentrate. I'd swig that before leaving without the concentrate. I mean, without the- I think it's the cold brew and the high IQs where the brains are, the quick brains are working.

But I want to say something about the shoe shine. And you alluded to it looking racist and I agree with you. But that's why the shoe shine should always be done by somebody of the same race as the person being serviced. Speaking of

racists, show them the ghost. Guys, here's what you do, right? Black guy, mister, can I shine your shoes? Well, I'm a white guy. Tap in white guy. Hey, man, can I shine your shoes? Right. White guy does it. Yeah. Black guy goes up. Can I get a shoe shine? I think you shine your own shoes. Guess why? Watch this. No, stop. Uh-oh. Now it's

at that height. Yeah, but you're, first of all, you're, you're, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Did you see that? Did you see that? You guys mind melted. You can take your shoes off. You don't need to be in the throne. Guess what? Maybe even better that way. But you're still working. The whole point is that you're above working.

I don't want to shine my own shoes. I want to hire somebody to do it. I don't want to shine my shoes. It feels... I've never got a shoe shone. Me neither. I'll tell you this. What I said earlier, good family friend, grandfather came over from Italy. Yeah.

Shine shoes and shine hats in the city of Wilmington made their living and became independently wealthy from a shoe shine hat shine shop. Say that fast. It made it mad. Shoe shine hat shine shop. Say that fast. Made it mad. Shoe shine hat shine shop. Made themselves independently wealthy from a shoe shine hat shine shop. Five cents a shine. That's really good. I think you won the contest quickly.

Wet, yellow, yellow weather. Can I ask a stupid question? How do you shine a hat? Yes. Well, I think I misspoke. I think it was hat cleaning. Hat cleaning. Hat cleaning, shining. Dustin Hatt, shining shoes.

Dustin Hatt's next boyfriend of mine. Do you ever see this? That's his name? Nope. Incredible actor. Did you ever see that thing on the internet where they have just people, video from the 1930s, just people walking around and everybody's in hats. Everybody has those great shoes. They're dressed up.

When people dressed esteemably, they behaved in esteemable ways. Now, you show up to court and people are wearing Looney Tunes shirts in their pajamas. That's not good. You're already guilty of bad fashion. Boom.

I agree. You're home in jail Yeah. Of bad fashion. Boom. I agree. You're home in jail. Jury's out. The jury is out. The jury is out. You need to clean that shirt. When I showed up to court, I always wore suits. You got the good hold on that elbow.

This elbow, I actually injured. Really? So, yeah, yeah. I'm holding it. You have sharp elbows. Yeah, it's good for. I have sharp elbows, too. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah.

That is a herder. That coming down on somebody's face is rough. Dude, do you watch UFC? What? Is that a segment of the podcast? Yes. We drop elbows on each other? If you want to tase yourself, we do allow that.

We have a taser. Do you have a taser? Yeah. Do you have a waiver? Can you grab it? That you signed? Because I would love to sue your Patreon. You got a waiver? We have a taser. We do have a taser? Yeah. Do you have a waiver? Can you grab it? That you signed? Because I would love to sue your Patreon. You got a waiver.

You got a taser. You're going to be my taser. What happened to the taser? Oh, it's plugged into the wall. Oh, grab it. Did you do that? That's so nice. And also, why does it smell like meat?

Because you fed me a huge amount of meat last night. Yeah. And it's seeping out of my pores. Oh, God. That's an actual taser? It's a stun gun. Oh, it's a stun gun. Oh, my God.

I don't want to. Do it. Do it. Do you want to do it to yourself? Oh, yeet. Yeah. Look at this. Oh.

Yeah. Well, I got to join the group. Oh, shut up in my nutsack. Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Thank you, Mike. Yes. Yeah. Number two. Wow. That is the. Number two. Wow. That is the X factor of any podcast. I don't know why more people aren't doing that.

Isn't that amazing? Do you have pepper spray or other ways we can hurt ourselves? Oh, elbows. Oh, my God. Pepper spray. I think everything on a cop belt except the gun. Punch it in the arm lightly. No, no, no.

I said punch, but not elbow. No, your rings are scary. I'll take them off. No, I don punch, but not elbow. No, your rings are scary. I'll take them on. No, I don't like this. I've been wanting to hit you for a while. All right, let me hit. Keep one ring on and punch her. That's an Alabama marriage.

Perfect. That didn't even hurt. You're such a woman. Wow. Leave that to a jury to decide. Yeah. We're going to need Sherlock on this one, boys. We're going to have to have a retrial.

Not enough evidence. Wow. Stop it. This is a podcast steeped in felonies. I love it. Yes. Yeah. Have you ever been to jail?

I got a DUI in 99 Yes! How old were you? 26 How old were you? And I was a teacher I almost lost my teaching job You should have I think Wow

I didn't know we had a parent here How much did you drink? Two glasses of wine? I was driving drunk Oh my God. But kinda. I didn't know we had a parent here. How much did you drink? Two glasses of wine with some fettuccine? No, no, no. I was, I was, I was driving drunk for, you know, drinking and then driving home. Dude. So it was bad.

The most fun thing. But it was bad. I got pulled over. I got cuffed and stuffed. Were you? I was driving. I went down. It was one of those streets that turned into a one way.

I didn't realize it. Instead of turning off, I just went and then the cop let me up. Were you like fucking slam hammered or were you like buddy? I made him. I'm fine. It was a.08. I blew like two tenths over the legal limit. Oh, OK. Not enough to lose the job. So I did a ton of community service, avoided jail times, going through a breakup at the same time She was a lawyer

And she hooked me up with another lawyer But then she kind of was bailing out of the relationship At the same time So that was hurtful She's bailing out She did bail me out She bailed me out initially And then was kind of like

Was leaving the relationship at the same time. I got I when when I got mine, they impounded my car and the night that I got my DUI, I had four months sober and I like wanted to drink so bad. And I was like, all right, just go out and get a case of beer and a bottle of vodka. And I called this guy and I go in my head, I was like, all right, if I call and he doesn't pick up, I'm going to drink. I call it picked up after the second ring.

I go, I want to drink. He goes, don't do it. I drank after being sober for a while. And I went out and I hit a family and I was in jail for 12 years. It's a bad idea. Don't do it. I go, okay, I'm not going to do it.

Hung up and I go, all right, if I call this guy and he doesn't answer, then I'm going to always do that. I called another guy and he didn't answer and I drank! And then I got a DUI, but I blacked out and woke up in jail puking, thought I killed a family and begged them to take me to jail to punish me for

breaking sobriety. Oh my God. What did you do? How did you get caught? I parked in the middle of a four-lane highway with my right foot and break my left foot out the window of the car and drive and when the cop came up to the window down because what you're saying is insane slow down happened say it slower i parked in what do you moving highway the middle of a four-lane highway right Right foot on the brake. Left foot out the window. Car and drive.

The cop asked me what I was doing, and I asked him how he got inside my apartment. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, and I'd have eaten. I thought I was asleep in my apartment. I'm like, why are you waking me up?

Now, what made you think that you could drive? Because we all kind of know when we're hammered. It's like, dude, there's no way I could drive. There's no way I could drive. Where do you get the balls and the confidence to think that you could drive home? There's cars all over the place. Yeah, I thought I was in my house. That is insane.

There was a liquor store down the road, and in my mind, when I left the bar, I went to McDonald's. You asked a cop for a ride to the liquor store? I was finishing for you. Yeah. Wait. You're the only guy who's passed out on the middle of a four lane highway. Cop comes. You go, you know what? Party's not over.

There's a liquor store 800 feet from here. Let's get in. I can't use my car because you're impounding it. The funniest thing to me guy, you're here. I can't use my car because you're impounding it. Wait, let's take you home. The funniest thing to me is that you're driving

down the highway and you're like, daddy's home and you pull, like you weren't crashed, you weren't at the, you were pulled over in the middle of it.

In the middle. Oh my God. And I'll tell you this, there was a cop station. The guy, they walked me into the police department. By cop station, do you mean donut shop? Yes. Oh, that was a cop station the guy they walked me into the police department cop station do you mean donut shop oh that was a slamming you pigs out there oh my god welcome to the butcher

um wait oh what did you just say before what oh they walked me into the police station. That's how far it was? Yeah. I mean, I could not have parked in a more precarious spot. Do you remember waking up? I remember waking up. Puking in jail.

In the car going, how'd you get in my apartment? And the next thing I know, I remember walking into the police station in handcuffs. And I black out again. And then the next thing I know, I'm in a jail cell and I'm puking in a trash can going, throw me in jail. I deserve it. I killed a family. They probably were laughing. No, no, you didn't.

No, you didn't. Just get someone to pick you up. You parked in the middle of a four lane highway. No one got hurt. You don't have to go to jail. How did no one get hurt? Can I say something? How did no one get hurt from that?

Because there's an angel watching me wherever I go and I'm here for a reason and that's to make you laugh. Can I say something? Patreon.com slash Beanie and Bob. If you, if I would like, if there is a man with a mustache and tattoos pulled over in the middle of the highway and he goes into a jail and he's going put me in jail i killed a family i would like the cop to go let's investigate let's ask a couple more questions rather than yeah no i thought i killed the family in the car like that's why i thought it doesn't matter i would be like let's just double check

oh let's retrace your steps you know that you know that prior to that, I got kicked out of the bar because they stopped serving me and I legit got kicked out wearing sweatpants going, my money not real. That's why you don't wear sweatpants anymore. Wow. Did you go to sleep

that night with no tattoos and wake up with all of these? Covered. That's what happens in jail I think. You tattoo yourself. Is that not true? They can't really do that. In prison, yes. My buddy had to pick me up at 5am.

What a good friend. I didn't call my mom. I didn't tell my mom about it until after it was taken care of. After I got the lawyer. Can I talk? I called my mom and she laughed hysterically into the phone when I was in jail. Laughed like this. You know how I laugh?

So I thought that the phone was dead and I didn't hear her and I was like, hello, hello? And she was like, I'm sorry, because she thought it was so funny because at that time in my life,

I was 20. I was having intrusive thoughts that I thought I was going to hurt people. That's why I stopped doing construction with a nail gun because I thought I was going to shoot myself or somebody else with a nail gun construction with a nail gun because I thought I was going to shoot myself or somebody else with a nail gun. And I was worried about

airplane flights. I had to get Xanax. I'd love to read that review on the Better Business Bureau. Because I was worried that I was going to pull open the flight thing. And then that was my thing. I was worried about being in a confined space because I had intrusive thoughts. And then that night after talking to my mom

constantly, flying to see my friend i end up in jail she thought it was the funniest thing in the world she was like you're gonna stab somebody now you're gonna hurt one of those ladies in there was she mocking you laughing yeah mocking me yeah i thought it was hilarious right yeah my mom didn't really find humor in it because she used to stay up to listen to see if I was still breathing. Oh, see, mine was always just stealing. It wasn't like, I mean, I got fucked up and I definitely, one time I fainted at the wheel because I was so high on weed and I got, and I didn't know I was getting period. Can I jump in? I don't think I have a story as crazy as your guys, but I would like to. That's beautiful. I can't

believe I've never heard that. That's crazy. You pulled into your apartment. I would like to throw my hat in the ring. I took my older brother by two years. He never hung out. Never hung out. He was two years older. So it's my senior year. I like that you teed that up. We go to, you know, just giving some background. Yeah, I do. We go to I bring him. I'm like, come out with us tonight. Come out

with my boys tonight. I love that. My friend's brother's coming out. He's older. You're older. Come out. Like, it's a pool party. Who's cooler? You or your brother? I was cooler. Okay, gotcha. Yeah, my brother was the sweetest guy. Really great guy.

So we all go to the party. Do you have his number? No, no, no. He's alive. Oh, okay. Because you were like, was. No, no, no. He was the coolest guy.

Now he has a family. He's responsible. Loser. But anyway, he's not parking his car in the middle of a four lane highway. I'll tell you that much. He's got a family. Anyway, we go to the party and

we're at the pool. We're having some drinks. How's everything? Good? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go inside. I go inside. I'm playing a drinking game or hooking up with a girl or something. I come back out and he's getting a little looser. Drinking. Who's this? Who's that? I go back in I come back out and he's, he's getting a little looser drinking. Oh, who's this? Who's that? He said, and so I go back in, come back out. Now he's really hammered. He never

gets drunk. He's really hammered. I go, are you okay though? He goes, yeah, I'm okay. I'm having fun, man. I'm having fun. I go back out. I come back out. He's all wet, which means he was in the pool and somebody pulled him out of the pool. And so I take him home. I take him home. He can't even speak now. They give us a ride home. I can't even speak. I'm carrying him in our house, our condo where we live.

Your body? Yeah. I'm carrying him in. Jay Fireman carrying him in. Fireman's carrying him in to our place. My father is sitting up waiting. And my brother never gets drunk. So he's not used to seeing my brother like that. And my father goes, what happened to him? Why is he wet?

Did he hit his head? Did he hit his head? And my father, like we're in, I remember we're in my room. My father takes me by the collar and jacks me up against the wall. He goes, you better start fucking talking right now. I want to know what the fuck is wrong with him if is he hurt and and my brother starts going he can't even talk he's so drunk he goes no because he sees my father's jacking me up he goes no no no he's okay okay and my father and my father calmed down once he saw my brother being responsive and then we uh we would we were hanging out watching tv we let him sleep and every once in a while, my father would go, go check if your brother's still alive. He loves your brother more.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And rightfully so. God damn. Rightfully so. That story was electric. Stop. Make him stop.

That was great. I don't like you having it up. I was 18. And the brother was 20. Yeah. He was 20. And did he drink after that? We were both too young to drink.

He never really drank. That's so funny. He was more worried about the brother being hammered. The record player is still going. And not you. No, it's... Oh, no. You fucking lying bitch.

Okay. Could you guys leave that on the table in case... Absolutely. I want to... Do it to yourself? Oh, I love that. Give it one more shot. Wait, I have to turn it on for you. Flip the up and then click the push.

Yep. Wow. That's a lot. Give it one more. Third time's a charm. Do you want to know a secret, Vecchione? Oh my God, that hurt. Yeah, it'll grab your muscles sometimes. Can I tell you a secret?

God, that's better. You know what? That's better than coffee, though. I gotta get one of those. Yes, yes, yes. It jacks you up. We should stand outside and charge people. I have to tell Vecchione something. When you're at the cellar, at McDougal, if you're holding...

Don't tell me the microphone does the same thing and you figured it out and no one else did. If you're holding the microphone and you touch the exposed rebar, it zaps you. In the lounge? In McDougal.

There's a little spot on the wall you can touch. You can touch it. The first time I felt it, I dragged an audience member onto the stage. And it feels like this. Stop. It's not fun to do that. It's fun for me. It's not.

Ethan. Yeah, he's a child. No. You're not a woman. That thing is the x-factor do you I know what you really want so trade it

nobody can hear you so you're gonna have to give me the taser it's warm and hot and I don't like it warm and hot that's what you can do if you want to feel that while you're on stage it doesn't hurt if it feels good I dragged an audience member the first time and I don't like it. Warm and hot. That's what you can do if you want to feel that while you're on stage. It doesn't hurt if it feels good. I dragged

an audience member the first time and I was like, can you feel this? And they did to prove that what I was feeling was real because I didn't know it. How'd you find out about it? That's like future crowd work where you bring somebody up and they feel something. They're like, ah. It's like crowd work. Post it. Cut it. You ask them questions

and when they answer and not the way you want them to, you tase them until they answer the right way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you from? Cooler, better. Dude, I was watching some bad... You can't go down that road. What? When you start looking at... I never scroll.

Yeah. Because I follow my friends. Yeah. So if I go to the Explorer page, it's raccoons, squirrels, everything I love. But if I go to my page, like my, it's just now, it's where are you from? Where are you from? Where are you from? It's so fucked up. Oh, it sounds like a, where are you from?

Where are you from? What, what, what, what, where are you from? Where are you from? I just did that. Like a rap. I just did that. I just did that. Like a rap. I just did that. I just did that exact bit. Oh, I thought you stuttered.

No, I didn't. Oh, you were doing it like a rap. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was stuttered. I was adding on to you. You literally, you did the same amount of where are you from's and you did the exact same rap as me. But you can blame the taser for anything. That's the beauty of having it.

That was crazy. No, I thought that you stuttered, and then I was like, here's an original idea. When have I ever stuttered? You've stuttered sometimes. Anyway. How did you guys come together? Did you guys just know each other?

Yeah. How did you guys just knew each other from the cellar? I don't like it when you smoke down here when you don't ask the guest first. Open the window. That's fair. Do you mind if I smoke? Go ahead.

I mind. Do you have a child later? No. Me neither. So cool. OK. We met. I opened for him.

We met at Pine Box. He said, oh, I think you're funny. he said oh i think you're funny i said i think you're funny um and then whoa well i thought i was about to say i think you were dating katie hannigan you're dating katie hannigan now eskimo yes sisters i also fucked Katie. Oh my God. Good for you. It was my hand again. Ew. Ew. Her name's Katie Annigan. No, we met in 2017. Katie's the best.

Katie talked me down a full edge. Oh, dude. I should have said have her come. We got to have her and Sarah. Yeah, yeah.

That'd be so fun. Absolutely. You know what? You weren't dating her. We talked about it. Yeah. And I remember you being very lucid about it and you were like, we're friends. It's good. Yeah. And I remember you being very like lucid about it.

And you were like, we're friends. It's good. Yeah. And I was like, this guy's like a. When we started dating, we talked. Yeah. And that was great. That's right.

Yeah. I remember that. And Katie was lucid about it. And you were lucid about it. Yeah. And you were a maniac. And I opened for him and I was like, this guy's nuts. But he's really great.

And I watched him crush when I opened for him. Right. It was very cool. Yeah, I remember that. That was at Stand Up New York. Yes. Yeah, yeah. That was at Stand Up New York. Yes. Stand Up New York? R.I.P. No, it's still R.I.P. It's still going. I haven't been up there

in a long time. You know what? It's so fun for new jokes. Doing new stuff. It's just so hard to get up there. It is hard. I live all the way downtown. Not on the motorcycle. Motorcycle changes the game. Switch to a moped, you'd be popular in Italy. I Switch to a moped You'd be popular in Italy

I started on a moped It's 40 minutes to get here I got here in 25 They have mopeds all over Italy Jesus Christ You're just hearing that? I know, I'm sorry Racial slurs.

Oh, no, no, no. Want to hear a good racial slur that I made up for Jews? No. Nickelbacks. Hello. And Nickelback is Canadian. Yeah. Is it?

Nickelback the band is from Canada. Where there are no Jews. Put that pimp, stupid. You know what it is like? It's like your skull. The skull with the hat. That's what it reminds me of. What's a skull with a hat?

A skull tattoo with the hat. Those two guys. This? I'm going to get you a new one. Do you like this? I do kind of like it, yeah. Can you admit that it's not top of the end? Then again, I'm wearing 70s loan shark glasses.

Those are awesome. Yeah, you look good in those. Thank you. You've been wearing those. They're? Then again, I'm wearing 70s loan shark glasses. Those are awesome. Yeah, you look good in those. Thank you. You've been wearing those. They're making a comeback. Yeah. I wore the big space ones yesterday. I'm trying to make canes come back.

Hey, did you ever have a guy on the subway walking with a cane, and then you get off the subway, and he's walking faster than you? It kind of makes me upset. I'm like, dude, the cane is fake. You're walking faster than me with a cane? Have you ever walked with a cane? That's a PDE. That's like steroids.

You know what I don't like? Walking. These stupid cunts at the running park. Yeah. And they have a baby stroller. Yeah. And they're hauling ass because they're putting their weight on it. And I don't like it.

And I try and lap them, because I'm like, bitch, don't fucking pass me with your fucking baby. On what part of Roe versus Wade is this? Put your weight in your butt. This is the Roe part. This is the running part of, oh, it's Roe. Yes.

Because she's going to Roe Roe. Finish it? I can't. I can't. Can you do it for me? Jordan, it sounds like you want to be a mom. I do. Do you want to be a mom?

But her body doesn't want her to have one. I want to be the mom of a French bulldog or a Down syndrome baby. You see what I deal with? Yeah. Because I like that noise. Just a happy face. Legit, I was on a flight and I texted her and I go, Jordan, I know you say it, but you do not want a child

with Down syndrome. There's a bunch on this flight and they're a lot of work. I was like, imagine me but I cannot listen to you. That's what it is. No, you imagine you with no mustache looking at me lovingly clapping

here and there. Being so happy. Have you met one? I was on the train the other day and I was reading a book and he was just looking at me, looking at the bus, looking at me, looking at the bus. Never grow up. They never grow up. Right. You get to be a parent forever.

I don't want my kid to outuse me. Right. I want to be the adult forever. Let's split the difference. What about a kid, a kid, but who's a pathological liar? I met a pathological liar. I was going to say a kid,

but they're an ESL student. Dude, that's what I think about when people date somebody That's what I used to teach, emotional support. Really? I used to teach them,

I have a master's in special education. Well, fucking do your job. I know we stumbled into reality here, but I do have a master's in it. Do you have a master's in it?

Do I look like a guy who has a master's degree? Oh my god! Do you? So you like that? Oh, that was the wind. Or that was a ghost. And that clearly says no ghosts. Hey, everybody.

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and it doesn't feel like you're sitting in your Spanish class back in Spanish class back in high school and senior dimensions get mad at you because you're not putting accents on the right parts of the word. This thing doesn't get mad at you. It encourages you and there's no judgment if you're not doing it right. So I'm telling you, go to babble.com B-A-B-B-E- L.com slash ska for 55% off your subscription. It would be really cool if you guys could learn a language and then we could all speak it together. Yep. And, uh,

also it'd be cool if you'd use Babbel cause we get money. So, or as you say, dinero. Bye bye. So you have a you say, dinero. Bye bye. So you have a master's degree. It was so funny when fucking Jeremiah came in

and was like, is there a ghost or did that just move? Did you guys not talk about other guests while I'm here? Sorry, I apologize. Sorry. I mean,

Jeremiah is great and everything. Things you have no clue. Jeremiah. This is my time now. He could be an ESL teacher. He's an ESL teacher. Is he? He could be. You couldn't be.

You're an auto mechanic. No, wait. I'm a shop teacher, Jordan? Yes. How dare you? Yes. How dare you? Metal shop or wood shop? Fabrication. Is that a thing? Yeah. What even is that? Fab? Sewing?

Fab shop? Metal fabrication? Oh, metal fabrication. Now, wait. Hold on. I forgot that you are part of IEPs? Roofing? No. MIG welding? TIG welding? MIG welding. IEPs. I did IEPs all the time. Yeah. IEPs. Was in there. 18 pages.

Paperwork. More paperwork than a law firm. Do you like Down Syndrome kids? Love them. Better than autistic kids? I love them, but I didn't teach them. I love them, but I didn't teach them. I love them, but I didn't teach them. Now, as a teacher that dealt with individualized learning programs, what was your favorite kind of retard to work with? That's actually my question.

I do want an answer to that. What was the question? Which was your favorite type of retard do you like to work with? I like the kids with the kids who had learning challenges, were a little slower that you had to help phil henley and the kids with phil hanley has a um dyslexia dyslexia yeah that's a good one right because he has a good personality but he just is like jumbled yeah he's jumbled he is jumbled he's jumbled but he used to be a model so the hotness makes up for the learning disability

it's true according to the he probably slings too. I can imagine him having a huge pecker. Hanley's huge. I think he's probably huge. But it's, you know, metric system. So, yeah, Canadian. He's Canadian. So wait. But I would deal with the kids who were like, didn't fit in the other classes. Kids with

emotional problems, they would flip out. How would you deal with that and not like lose your patience? Restraints, Ian. Rest in restraints can't do that anymore can't do that no you can't ever flip out the whole the whole uh rule of thumb is if they're in danger to themselves others or property then you have to like it's not in a public school i worked in a behavioral school also but you would have to you would have to restrain them if they were a danger to themselves, uh, another person or the property. What about the bully? We had one kid that got transferred from school to school to school. Cause he would always, yeah. I remember one time he'd go around to everybody and he'd go, you're fat, you're stupid,

you're ugly. And I remember he got to me and I was too fucked up looking like he almost wanted to be like, you look like you have problems at home, but instead just like skip me because he was like, well, you're dumb. You know what I mean? Right. And I was like almost too bullyable to be bullyable. And he got transferred from school. Would you take care of that kid? Because that's crazy. Yeah. But there comes to a point where it's like that you can't even be contained in a public school. What do you do with that special? They have to farm them out to a special behavioral school, which is very expensive. And they try not to. So until the kid raises so much havoc that he can't stay in a public system, then they farm him out.

What if they don't have the money? The school district has to provide it. The IEP is a legal document. They have to abide by it. Wow. So it's almost worth being bad so you can get into a private school. Well, it's not a private school. It's a behavioral school.

And that's different than a private. Yeah, kind of. But for mental health. Like digging holes? You know what I mean? It's not prison labor. No, but I have friends who got thrown in a van in the middle of the night and then they had to dig holes for a long time. What? Wow. Yeah.

This is in Iran? Oh, that happened to a friend of mine. They shipped her off to Utah. Yeah. For like a behavioral camp. A behavioral school. Yeah. The behavioral school, there's some that are adjudicated to go through the courts and some that are just if you have mental health, if you have mental health issues, it's not adjudicated. It's not court ordered.

I taught in Brownsville, Brooklyn. You know what, Ian? The best you can. Brownsville, Brooklyn. Let's have a real moment here without tasering each other or ourselves for a second. That behavior would have got us into a juvenile school. We'd have been adjudicated. What did you say? Calling Brownsville Brownsville because of all the brown people? No. Somebody said, oh, Peter Ravello goes, you guys are close to Brownsville. And I was like, Jesus, Peter. And he's like, no, that's really

what it's called. And I was like, oh, yeah, there's a part of Wilmington called Browntown. Well, that's not really called oh, yeah. There's a part of Wilmington called Browntown. Well, that's not a part of Wilmington. There's no Germans within any radius. And that's a bad part of town. It's a rough part. Yeah. Is it? Where is it? Do you know how many deaths there are a day in Germantown? Where's Germantown? Nine.

Come on. That's pretty solid. Thank you. Ow! Good. Carpal tunnel? No, rings on a fag Oh, rings Ian, what was so Are you married to the devil? What's happening? Why so many rings?

I love rings This one says ska You don't sleep with them on, right? No, I take them off And whenever I'm with a gal on. I take them off. I don't like your weird little bear pinky. They see me take them off and they know it's time for business. I want a guy to slide rings on

when it's time for business. This is a woman fingering herself and says, pleasure is power. This one I got on eBay. That one's nice. Three ring circus. My mom used to have that. This is

this. Oh, wow. I got that at a Brooklyn flea market. And then this one Jordan gave me. Hi, stepbrother.

Ryan Smith. Utopian Society or something makes those rings. Wow. Really good. Doesn't fit me. Is that the marriage of the podcast? Like, if you guys ever decide to end the podcast, you will have to take that rings. Wow. Is that the marriage of the podcast?

If you guys ever decide to end the podcast, you will have to take that off. I'll never end the podcast. It's welded to my body. Right. But do you have a similar ring symbolizing the union of the podcast? You should get me one.

Maybe Ryan Smith should provide your stepbrother. Where do you get extra large rings? I don't have extra large hands. I have beautiful woman hands. Look at them. Can I see this one to tell you if it fits and then you can get me one that's the same size?

Wow. Hey, speaking of rings, are you going to pop the old Q to the old K? It's getting down. It's getting down to it. Yeah, we've talked about it. This is the size you need for which hand? Can I tell? Okay. It's getting down to it. Yeah, we've talked about it. This is the size you need for which hand?

Can I tell? I think the second guest is a strong wind. Yes. The second guest is really making his presence felt here. Can I tell you? I like what you have because it's a thing of you can, I don't like. Oh, they make sketches together. They're good. Yeah.

I don't like when couples are together and they don't talk about, like, I feel like my ideal marriage proposal would be discussing about it later and then going, why don't we just do this? Yeah. You know, instead of like having to make it a big, like big Are they ever going to know? She doesn't want By the way, it's all about what she wants For me

She doesn't really want a big surprise She wants it to be talked about To be fleshed out She wants to be expecting of it She wants all their families to be expected of it She doesn't want it to be a surprise She wants to be surprised Look at me

She wants a small surprise Katie,. Look at me. She does. She wants a small surprise. No, Katie, you're speaking for yourself because you're mentally ill. I will bet you. I'm going to DM her right now. Katie's all right upstairs. I bet you. Is Katie upstairs now? I'll bet you $100.

Yeah. That if I be like, but do you want to do like, do you want me to do like a little surprise? You want to do a little surprise? She would say yes. It's a little bit of a surprise. She doesn't want to be taken completely off guard by it. No, no sports game. No, she doesn't want that.

She doesn't want it in public. I know she doesn't. I know her. But she wants it to be like, she doesn't want it to be like, hey, here it comes. She wants it to be like, dude, pass me that cushion under the cushion. You know what I mean? Right. Could you imagine?

Well, I mean, I figured, can I just amend that a little bit? Yes, you can. Because I have to put my own spin on it. Okay. It's under the cushion, and then I somersault in from the other side of the room. Something athletic. Oh, athletic. Gotcha, gotcha.

You know, I spent years and years training, and it just feels like a wasted opportunity. It is. Yeah. You somersault. She's like, what the fuck? You were a wrestler. Yes. You should wrestle match her, and then when you put her in a's like, what the fuck? You were a wrestler. Yes. You should wrestle match her.

And then when you put her in a cross-faced crowbar, the ring is on that part of the carpet right in front of her face. Do you watch UFC? That's... Oh, my God. That's amazing. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm shaking when you're... I've got an arm bar in. Yes. I'm close to getting back points. Yeah. She looks over to try to bridge up out of it. She doesn't want to get pinned. Boom. The ring is there. Yeah. We're all points. Yeah. She looks over to try to bridge up out of it. She doesn't want to get pinned.

Boom. The ring is there. Yeah. We're all winners. Yeah. Up. And then someone comes in and goes, you lost the match, but you won life. That's it.

Yeah. I volunteer Jordan to do that. Jordan, would you ref it? Absolutely. Jordan, would you hide the ring where that chunk of food is in your tooth? Damn it. Other side. There's always something.

I've been eating a lot of kale. Well, that's... You've been leaving a lot there for later. Do you let the motorcycle... Do you leave the... Yeah, I smile. And then the wind, and then maybe there's food. All right.

Sorry, go ahead. That's all right. Sorry. Here, let me get it out. This is every pod, just, you know, like... Oh, God! I think we got it out. Let me see.

It's gone! It's perfect. Anyway, so, what is the secret to a successful relationship with a comedian? Because I've tried it about 150 times, and it ends in flames. It ends in flames. What's the common

denominator? Irish dudes. I realize that I only date Irish men. I only date Irish guys. That's what it is. It's their background. Only the Irish? Holy shit.

Oh my god, it's Irish people, not me. It's not because I'm unwell. You're single as fuck, dude, and you blew a guy last week. Shut up. You fucking bitch. Shut the fuck up. Ian, is that true? We've Tyler out of this.

You've literally had an unsuccessful relationship with a guy this guy's going to marry. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I will fucking end you. Anyway, why am I single? It's not because you lash out. No.

Well, no. It's not the rage. No, there's people who like that. There's people who like that. Do they? Yeah. Really? Because I yelled at a small one.

Mike used to teach him in school. It's called a basket hold. I grab one of your arms, one of your arms. I sit there. I de-escalate you. Really? How do you do that? I go, hey, look, you're not getting up. You have to calm

down. Stop struggling. Stop Jordan. Stop struggling. You're not going anywhere. You're not stronger than me. You need to calm down. Really? And then tell me your wrists hurt. My wrists hurt. Okay, look, if you stop struggling, I'll stop struggling.

That's how it works. Okay, fine. And then I go like this. It's usually a headbutt. And then that makes me bleed. I used to have to be restrained so much in school. That's the most fun. We're like, I'm calm. I'm calm.

I'm calm. They're so much bigger than you. That's the most fun game in the world. My mom used to play a game called No Kisses Today with us where we would desperately try and give her a kiss on the face and she would stop us like this. Oh my God. That's the

ultimate scarring of a child. It's because they're Irish. You're Irish yourself? No, I'm Italian. It doesn't work out because they're Irish. Oh, that's right, right. Your mom. Don't kiss me.

I'm so sweet. It tickled her mom. That's very unlike Italians. They just like St. Patrick too much. No affection. Zero affection. Now they want to be affectionate, these fucking cunts. Grab you by the cheek, pull you in. Oh, God cunts. Grab you by the cheek, pull you in.

Oh, God, no. Grab you by the cheek, pull you in. No, my grandfather's very Italian, but he was like the... Is he still alive? Well, they were affectionate. I was very fat, and Italians don't like that. Italians love that. Italians love that.

I have hot Italians. Italians want their daughter to be fat so no one will like her, so she stays home and takes care of the family. No, I thought that was a sign of fertility. Yes. No, not to that was a sign of fertility. Yes. No, not to these guys. They're athletes. You're wrong side of the tracks.

Grandfather was hockey coach. Mother was hockey coach. Sister was hockey under all hockey. Me, fat mall goth in the food court. With the heart of a hockey fighter. Yeah, with the heart of a goalie? Yeah. God.

Yeah, she was a goalie. And where do you get in by her? Not one. Still to this day. I had to throw the nest quick today because I was eating it dry. But you're working through all this in therapy, right? Ian, you're in therapy? You're in therapy?

You're hilarious. I am working through it in therapy. I am. I am working through my rage issues. That's what we talked about yesterday. Stop. I will stop fighting when you stop fighting. Your wrist hurt? Wow.

Now what do you say? I'm liking the level of aggression on this pod. This is the most aggressive podcast I think I've ever been on. It's very aggressive. Me and Alan are working on it. Great song by Angel Doe. I'm seeing the level of aggression on this pod This is the most aggressive podcast I think I've ever been on Great song by Angel Doe Alan is a savior He says I take out my anger on people who don't deserve it Because I don't take out my anger on the people who do deserve it

Do you think Ian's the recipient of that? Yes All the time I thought I was on speakerphone earlier when I screamed at him You didn't hear that? I was taking a shit at Brooklyn Ball He calls me and I'm like I'm on speakerphone earlier when I screamed at him You didn't hear that? I was taking a shit at Brooklyn Ball He calls me and I'm like I'm on my fucking motorcycle I said don't call me when I'm on my bike

And he's like I didn't know you were on your way And I was like I texted you and you're like you didn't And I was like oh I'm sorry I apologize And then I yelled at a little Jewish girl When you're with a man Jordan and he goes to kiss you Do you put your hand out into his forehead And he goes Trying to give you love And she put your hand out into his forehead and he goes trying to give you love.

No kisses today. It's so fun. It's so fun. Try playing it with Katie. No kisses. Say, we're going to play a game called No Kisses Today. Try your amnest to kiss my face. You'll end up in this position. He was like a D1 wrestler. He's going to break her neck.

Katie is very sharp. She goes, we're not going anywhere until I say I love you into your mouth 25 times. I go, no one's got time for that. I love you into your mouth. I love you into your mouth 25 times. Oh, that's so nice. I love it though.

Is it OCD? Yeah. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Yeah. It's an OCD.

If I was there, I love you 25. No. Nothing. Where's an OCD. If I was there, I'd love you 25. No! Nothing. Where's the taser? Jordan, there is something, and you said nothing. Thank you. What does Alan say? Alan's got to be.

Do you go to Alan? No, I am wanting to fix myself. That was cool. Jordan, does Alan say that you're emotionally unavailable, but you're emotionally. Alan literally started crying the other day because I reminded him of a patient who was in solitary confinement, who then had to go to the infirmary and a nurse reached out and touched

him and he burst into tears because the affection, he thinks that I'm very damaged from my childhood and therefore the only affection I'm able to receive is aggression. And you're paying him money for the obvious? Therefore, I cry a lot. Yeah, I know. And that's good. In there.

That's good. But, you know, I'll fucking do it for free. Everything he's told you, I've told you. You suck. And you just broke my arm. Good. That's you had to be restrained. And I learned from Michael.

So basically, if a guy is into me, like if he's nice to me and sweet, I'm like, you don't like that. So Alan says the next person I have to date is has to be somebody who makes me feel like that. That's not easy. Yeah. But you have to adjust your expectations then, right? Yes. I just came from Allen and I wondered why one of the cushions was chewed. So it must have been you had just been

previously there. Do you go to Allen? Yes, I go to Allen. Yes! Do you go every week? I'm doing Soder's impression of Allen. Yes! Of course! Oh, wow!

Holy shit! Do it to where Jordan would recognize it. Stop! Enough! I can only take so much in 45 minutes! And how do you fight the demons, Ian?

I have to go to therapy after I give you therapy. Not enough medication can fix my heart. My faggy friend. Oh, I didn't know you'd talk about... Yes, we do. Mike?

Ian, how do you get the demons out? A huge amount of pills. No. You have like eight meds. I am on medication. How much? Because I have a chemical imbalance with my brain. And I accept that.

And that if I don't take my medicine, I can revert back to a really dark place. It sounds like you slowed it down. It sounded like you were talking to a judge. I have to take my medicine because I have a chemical imbalance. We both have bipolar. I have bipolar too. So it's a thing of I went bipolar.

You went bipolar too. So my extremes, the medication helps in terms of like my extreme mood swings aren't like this. They're kind of like this. Yeah. And it dulls the edge of the extreme. So I still have them, but I'm more focused and can understand when they're coming, why

they're coming. And then I can deal with it rather than just being so dysregulated that I just don't know how to deal with things. Yeah. And so it's really. I'm not dysregulated. I'm medicated. I'm doing great.

But yours comes in the form of anger, Jordan, right? I have rage. I fight And so it's really. I'm not dysregulated. I'm medicated. I'm doing great. But yours comes in the form of anger, Jordan, right? I have rage. I fight a lot of people publicly. Not publicly, but like an air force. You're such a nice, you're such a nice person.

Not if you do something whack. Like everything. Cut you in line? Do everything that you do. I used to do. And I. Shut up. I'm a whole person.

What? Don't say that. I am a grown up and you're at myself previously. You know, that's like if you that's like if you say something like. I don't know. My sister always says that shit. No, I'm not going to end up like you. And I'm not you.

I'm a different person. I think what she's saying is your gender is not as good as hers. Yes. I have a worse gender, actually. I don't know what it's like. Never said that you're going to end up like me. You do get in fights now, still. I'm empathizing and saying the way that you feel sometimes,

I have felt and I have been able to handle it and move forward. We have very different scenarios. Yes, but- You have more mental imbalance and I have more childhood aggression. And at the end of the day- Yeah, well, I don't like this whole I'm a little older than you, so I'm your therapist.

It sucks. I'm not. You do that all the time. Because I'm trying to empathize and say that I understand what you go through and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. All the listeners know- Jordan, can I call you out?

I think, do you secretly like to be talked down to? Not by Ian. Not by Ian. But sexually, yes. But not by Ian. You mean I had a little sex to it? No! I used to be where you were.

Stop. On my back, getting railed. Gross, but better. That is better. You sitting there. He did add sex to it. On my back, getting railed. Gross, but better. That is better. You sitting there. You sitting there. He did add sex to it. He did add sex to it.

You sitting there with a Fred Durst hat in a fucking basement and saying to me, I used to be like you is the worst. Old man, take a look at my life. I'm a lot like you were. When I'm your age, I'm going to have two big dogs and a husband who's in the trades.

Lumberjack husband? No, not lumberjack. Something better than that. Like a plumber. Yeah. Electrician. Has union? Not union.

Scallywag. Jordan's going to have a fucking iron worker that comes home and she's going to be like, now get in this bed and TIG weld that cock to this pussy or else you ain't getting any overtime I'm not like that in bed

we both know I'm like a little Hasidic wife in bed okay do you become aroused at overalls the guy has overalls on oh I did run into you had an overall at the gutter and he had the Carhartt overalls and I was like, we gotta stop talking right now. We gotta get away from each other.

I'm stuck. Oh! He had the overalls. The Carhartt. But he's a hottie. Who is it? Jack. He doesn't know him?

I don't know Jack. No one did. You would if you had seen him. Okay. No. He's a little squirrel. Hot guy. All I'm saying is that you always tell the story about how when we went on that one-row gig,

you were driving. Sorry, go ahead. You were driving. I didn't even know I was doing it. I didn't even know I was doing it I didn't even know I was doing it until you were quiet go ahead you were driving and you were like this kid is such a mess he's shaking he's this

he's all over the place it's kind of scary right but when we did that gig I was your age where you are now and I was a mess and I have worked really hard to arrest it and see it. And I've become way more level headed, way more at peace. And it comes with age and a lot of hard work. And what I'm saying is

you are enacting the steps now to get to a place where the mess that is in existence is slowly getting cleaned up to lead to a very regulated life. That would be a nice thing if that's what you were saying. That's what I am saying. Well, you can't just amend it now because the rest of the podcast was you saying your therapist needs therapy. You're a crazy person. No, I said your therapist needs therapy because of you.

Your whole narrative before that. I was going for the joke. I know. It's a comedy podcast, not compliment friend with a guy on the couch. You can't pivot like that. I pivot. I pivot. You'd have to guy on the couch. You can't pivot like that. I pivot. I pivot.

You'd have to tee it up if you were going to pivot like that. Otherwise, it sounds like you're like. Well, fucking four, bitch, because it's teed up and I hit it out of the park. Well. Now, Mike, you need to mulligan. Tell us about it, dickhead. Well, the special is called The Attractives and it's on YouTube for free. You need a special after us.

Yes, The Attractives, hot people. It's hard for us. And it's The Attractives on YouTube for free. It's at over 1 million now already. So please watch it and share it with everyone you know. I'm depending on the people. How long has it been out? One month.

One million over? That's huge. Oh my over? That's huge. That's huge. It's doing good. It's really, really good. Nateland on the Nateland homepage. Directed and produced by your boy, Nate Bargatze. He did a fantastic job.

800-pound gorilla. So I'm thrilled. Oh, we're pro-800. Pro-800. Wow. That's amazing, man. Yeah, they did a wonderful job on it. Does that mean it's like relatively clean?

It is clean. It's completely clean. It's clean, but it's not like, because clean comedy is boring and sometimes corny. And it's not. I like clean comedy so much. It's not that. You're not corny.

Yeah, you're New York clean. Right. Which means you are Boise dirty. It just means intelligent. Yeah. It's tricky. Yeah. You and I can't do it.

No way. Nope. There's a couple types of clean. There's punny clean. There's like, oh, that's clever clean. I'm punny clean. And then there's like, I'm looking at the shit that we look at every day and making it funny clean, which is that. That is the best And most desirable

Form of comedy I wish I could do What you and Nate do is You could do it It's like you guys have the skill set You just don't want to focus on it which I get So it's like it's just what you're focusing on I just focused on that but I wanted to be I wanted to have like city energy

Which is punch lines all the way through You know how we do it here and then just You know how we do it here. And then just, you know, do it. But dude, your ability to take stuff and dissect it and chew all the meat off the bone of the most mundane thing is something I admire so much in the sense that like, I think I'm done with the thing and then you go five layers deeper. You know what I mean?

Like that, I mean, Nate does that obviously. You know who I mean? Like that. I mean, I, Nate does that. Obviously, you know, else does that Josh blue. He like, I mean, how many years can this guy talk about having cerebral palsy and reinvented and make it funny and new. And it's like the funniest thing ever.

And he's just taking something we all see and just dissecting to the point of like, this is how many layers of the microscope are we under right now. And you do that too too and I admire it so much and you're so good at it such a funny comic that whole crew Dusty Nate Aaron Webb

yeah so it's out it's very good and please watch it we haven't been recording this all time can you imagine that would be fun And please watch it. We haven't been recording this all time. Can you imagine?

That would be fun. Good prank. Yeah, I watch it. It's really good. I usually don't watch specials. Is it on your YouTube? It's on Nate Land YouTube page. Nice. But it's on mine also.

Really? It's just, yeah, yeah. You've been going everywhere with it. Or just on both? It's on both. How does that work? Do you? I don't know the technology. I have to have technology people to do it. Is it one? both? It's on both. How does that work? Do you, I don't know the technology.

I have to have technology people. Is it, is it one? If I watch it, is that going to view going to go to both specials? I don't know how that works. Well, is one special.

It lives on his page. Let me put it that way. Oh, you read. Yes. I think I reposted it on mine, but it lives on his page. Yeah.

Cause it's his, he directed it. He produced it. So it's on his platform, He directed it. He produced it. It's on his platform, which I'm happy because he has a huge platform. He's great. Nate is the one who told me to move to New York. I lived in Nashville and he was like, you got to get the fuck out of here.

Oh, wow. Now he's doing the opposite. He's trying to get everybody to come to Nashville. Talk to him now. He'll be like, come to Nashville. He moved back and he was like, I have a kid. He was like, I just did my dues in New York. He did. And in his credit, he moved. Once he exhausted New York, he's like, okay, I can't do anything else here.

He went to LA and then he moved. He did not stay. He was like, once I can do, once I did everything that I can do in this place, I'm going to the next thing. If I didn't have the podcast, I would be very tempted to spend a huge amount of time in LA. But what would you be doing in LA?

You would hate hiking. You would hate it. I love LA. I hate the crowds. I'm going to go there in two weeks. You want to go? Yeah. Really?

How long are you there? A couple, four days. Yeah. That'd be sick. Get me the fuck out of here. Yeah. Can I do the things you're doing? Yeah. Nice. Oh, that'd be so fun.

Is it weekend or weekdays? For a minute. What? Weekdays. Yes! What? Yeah. Not Mother's Days. No. And I'm getting tattooed the 23rd to the 25th. Give me again. I kind of like it. Yeah.

Yes, we're going. Now say, Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you. God love you, Mommy. Well, where do you go from here? Do you think that you'd prefer to say to a woman in bed, good girl or bad girl? You're a good girl. You always want to encourage.

See, I'm proud of you What if she's being a bad girl Sometimes that's really the case That's better Sometimes these girls are being bad And they need to be disciplined Yeah yeah I look right in the camera

And make eye contact With the fans uncomfortably It happens Girls are bad in bed sometimes You're being a bad little baby girl Call an attorney Because we're going to have A slip and fall you're being a bad little baby girl. Call an attorney because we're going to have a slip and fall. God.

Oh, I'm slipping and it's a waterfall. All the low-income whites who watch this show are aroused. Yes. Are they low-income? Who do you have coming to your shows? Yeah, what's your demographic? Spanish. The Spanish? Are they allowing? Who do you have coming to your shows? Yeah. What's your demographic? Quite a few autistic people.

Hispanic. The Spanish? Gay. Trans. Girls. And boyfriends. I love it. The boyfriends are dragged there? The boyfriends are dragged there?

The girls driving? The girls bring. Yes. Yeah. And the guys bring their guy friends. It's like the best. Wow. I fucking love it.

Yeah. A lot of blacks too. Big fit. Big. We love the blacks. Blacks. Do you stage dive at the end of No, but I almost did once. I got a standing ovation. You carry them back

to your merch? That would be amazing. Oh, dude. When I shoot my special, that's what's going to happen. That's great. That's what's going to happen. Can I get a producer credit on it? For the idea? We got to end the show now. Thanks, Mike. I don't think you should

have in your special you stage dive and then sell t-shirts. You should stage dive out to smoke a cigarette. That's what I'm gonna do. Co-writer credit. Yes. See if you're gonna go to LA you have to think of these things. You guys are gonna be there. Where are the credits? Yeah.

Can I get a credit on that? What are we doing in LA? We're going to podcast. We're going to get tattoos. We're going to hike. I'm renting a car. I got to open for a tell at Hollywood Improv, but you can come hang. He'll give you a guest spot. Will he? Yeah. Are you guys going to support the writers or all? No. Fuck them.

What the hell? They need to grow up. Yeah. Fucking deal with AI or suck my fat cock. Oh, that's why they're upset? Yeah, we should support them. God bless writers. Support the writers. Are we gonna? Hey, I don't know because guess what? We didn't write any of this shit and this is funnier than any of the bullshit

they put out where they spend 12 hours a day on a fucking Zoom show. Or whatever new fucking shows are coming out. Right? I didn't listen to what you're saying because I was thinking about an improv strike and them all playing zip zooms out at the strike.

But aren't they blocking trains and stuff? Like standing in trains? I saw a video of that. No, that was for a different protest. Oh, that was for the choke guy. That's right. That's right. Okay. Here's the question AI? Greatest basketball player of all time

That was a crossover Go too fast Break your ankle We just talked about practice Is he doing black voice again? No Iverson. Yeah.

Go ahead. AI. We talking about practice? We talking about practice. What is going on? We talking about practice. We talking about practice. Not the game.

We talking about practice. And communists, they like to talk about praxis. And communists, they like to talk about praxis. What's happening? Somebody help. I need oxygen in this room. I thought you were talking about practice. Anyway, are people using AI to write sitcoms and stuff? Yes. They wrote three episodes in succession with AI.

Get the fuck out of here. No way. Really? Yes. That's really a thing? Yes. No way. I didn't think it was that advanced yet.

Look it up. Wow. That phone's going to lie to us. It's part of it. It's a robot. Is it going to lie? This phone has to leave and fucking stand in the middle of the road for construction. Isn't it cool?

If it flies off, it moves a stop sign to tell people to stop and go. Isn't it cool? All right, we got to wrap up. Okay. Where are you going to be? I'm going to be in Chicago, May 26th and 27th at Zany's Rosemont. Yeah. Love it.

Please come out. That's the better one. I need people coming out. The Rosemont one. I've done the downtown one for years. I like downtown. Downtown's gritty. It's great. I love Rosemont.

Well, I'm going to be there March 26th, 27th. Follow me on all social media. I'm sorry. May 26th, 27th. Thanks for catching it. May 26th, 27th. I didn't even have to restrain you, you fucking retard. Also, Nyack, Levity Live. Me too.

June 6th, 7th. Me too. 8th. Same dates? Same dates. Double booked. Co-headlining? Oops.

6th, 7th, and 8th, Levity Live in NIAAC, New York. Please, those two dates, I need people. Please come out. The special is called The Attractives on YouTube. Please watch it and share it. At Comic Mike V on all social media platforms. And Mike Vecchione investigates on the Gas Digital Network. But you could watch it on YouTube live Wednesdays, 6 p.m. So fun. Thank you guys for having me. I really appreciate it.

I want you on my podcast if you have the time. Yeah, sure. We'll come together. Yeah, we'll come together. Absolutely. I don't know if Jordan wanted to do it if you have the time. Yeah, sure. We'll come together. Yeah, we'll come together. Absolutely. Right now. I don't know if Jordan wanted to do it because she already did it. I want to do it. Isn't it early in the morning, though?

You monster. Oh, we're doing Jim and Sam. We can do whatever you want. Thursday. I know. They texted me. I need to. Great. You need to do it because last time you didn't show up.

Get the kitty cane. I will stop kitty cane if you come to Jim and Sam. Fine. Can I not do the one tomorrow? Then we are doing that tomorrow. You cannot back out on things you agreed to do. Jesus Christ. And the adult relationships don't work out

because it's not because they're Irish. You're mentally ill. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of being Ian with Jordan. We love you. Bye.