Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 046: 104.7 BIWJ Radio W/ Raanan Hershberg

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

With Jordan. Yes. No, I don't love that guy. Okay. Yes Okay well everyone does He's a hot man But he's a cool guy too Welcome to I hope that takes out all of your air. You got to do the,

you got to, I know I haven't been introduced yet. Not yet. Welcome to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan in the Delaware Den with the Delaware Duesy and the Delaware Dave. He's the Delaware dickhole. And this is our Delaware debutante.

Dominant. Ron on Hirschberg. Well, I was going to say, if you blow the shofar, there's like Hebrew words you're supposed to say right before you blow. Tell us. Well, I'll say the word and then you blow it, okay? Yes. Akia Shavari

And then there's one, I forget what it is, but it's the one where you have to blow as long as you possibly can. It's like Marukjuwa. Keep going. Keep going. The longer you do, the better place you have in heaven, in Jew heaven. She wants to go to Jew heaven. Oh, my God. She wants to go to Jew heaven so badly.

She really wants to go to Jew heaven. Her face lit up. Oh, my God. I'm worried for your health. That's so non. Finally, we got her to shut up. That was the worst thing you did with your breath today and it did not involve the air pollution outside.

Dude, people have been giving me the stink eye just ripping cigs and the apocalyptic air pollution. I was talking to Jake about how crazy it is that you just step outside to get more smoke. Me? Well, just people smoking. Yeah, it is like you really are doubling down. I love it

But I guess you know if you're going to get cancer But see I don't get the nicotine from the air Oh and speaking of which since I'm not smoking Down here today Because of the air pollution So I'm going to use our Lucy Breakers This is great gum

It's good it gives me the nicotine I need when I can't do the thing I want. That's the long one. I feel like you smoked a cigarette like a second ago. Yeah, he's... Isn't it... It seems unfair that we don't have trees in New York, but now we have to deal with wildfire smoke.

I know. That's fair. We get the worst aspects of nature. We have wildfire smoke and rats. Black people. That's our nature. Black the worst aspects of nature. We have wildfire smoke and rats. And that's our nature. Black people got out of nature a long time ago. They were the first to get out of nature. The earliest people to get

out of nature. But yeah, so it's just like all the bad parts of nature. What's another bad part? Like we don't have trees, but we have wildfire smoke. Yeah, but we don't have trees, but we have wildfire. Also, we have like Zika-filled wasps. I mean, mosquitoes. Yeah, but we don't have like, we don't have anything good.

We don't have like deer. There's tons of mosquitoes in that well back there because the rain comes in and then the mosquitoes form. Never mind. We have good parts of nature too. I stand corrected. We have a vat full of mosquitoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We have a vat full of breeding mosquitoes. You've proved, you've just proved why I call them hysterics. I saw, I saw four deer in Colorado right outside my truck. I thought you were going to say

like Bensonhurst. I was like, whoa. And they were so cute and I grew up in a place where you're like, fuck deer, get out of the road. Yeah, yeah.

And now I've lived in New York so long that I was like, there are four deer. Yeah. Renan. Well, I'm going to be York so long that I was like, there are four deer! Renan! Well, I'm going to be yelling Renan. I'm going to show you my surprise to Renan

this morning because I saw him on the street and I this is the best thing I've ever done. You should show this in the pod if you can. I'll send it to Ethan. Give me your money! Fuck! Jesus Christ! Brand new episode of B&E! What you heard it coming?

It's like... Listen, listen, listen. I'm walking over. Listen to what he said. Give me your money! Fuck! Jesus Christ! Brand new episode of B&E!

What you heard it coming? A. Give me your money! It would be weird if I wasn't shocked. I wish you weren't coming. A. Give me your money. It would be weird if I wasn't shocked. I need it one more time, but don't make any laughter. Give me your money. Fuck. Jesus Christ.

And he took off his glasses. How funny would it have been if I shot you immediately? It would be so bittersweet for you because you're so anti-crime. You would die being like, I'm glad you're fighting crime yourself. You did the right thing. Wait, what?

Just shot you. Why did you rip your glasses off, do you think? Not only did you rip your glasses off. You almost squared up. You hopped back like a bunny. Well, I know hopping back was good. I know we're making fun of it, but would it have been weird if I didn't respond?

Would that have been weird if I just like- I never respond. I mean, give me your fucking money. So many people do that to me. I respond when Ethan does it because he is a dark black man. Quickly. See, this proved you're not racist

because I'm white. Yeah, I was just as scared. And he was just as scared. Oh my God, Ethan always comes up to me. I always, I'm equally scared of white men. I'm scared of everyone. Yeah. I'm such a pussy.

I can't be racist. Because I'm terrified by all, everyone. You know, I'm terrified of black people, but also, you know. Girls. White men with tattoos. Post it. So, I do think that you almost men with tattoos. Post it. So, I do think that you almost squared up, though.

You got ready, which I think was good. What squared up? No, we didn't. Oh, you put, you don't even know what to square up. I'm sorry I'm not from the 30s. You didn't,

I would have dusted that in my head. Hey, you gotta square up when you're fighting the hoodlums on the street. Give me your money. He goes, ah, you really want to get a knuckle duster, don't you? You were ready to square up.

You almost put those dukes up. You don't know put them dukes up. I'm sorry. Come on. You want to be yellow belly? Let's go. I'm sorry I'm not from West Side Story. I apologize.

Oh, my God. My friend, shout out Josh Wagner, amazing comedian, is MMA fighting. And he said that yesterday they have to make it so your shins are ready. So they scrape it with a wooden spoon. No. How is that ready? I don't understand. Let's do that right now. And I'll get my musical wooden spoon.

Is that ready? Because you're allowed to scrape people's wooden spoons at MMA? Is that why that's ready? Of course, one of the more legal moves. You're not allowed to scrape them with a fork. We're not animals. No. But you can take out a spoon. A soup spoon only.

Dude, I want to play my wooden spoons so bad. No, no, no. I bought a set of wooden spoons off of Instagram. Yeah, we all saw the wooden spoons on Instagram. Is that an instrument? It's an instrument. In the middle of the night, I was on Instagram in a hotel room and I was lonely. And this guy was playing the wooden spoons.

I was like, I can do that. So I bought him and now I just play the same song. You and Adele with your quirky instruments. Adele's got the recorder and I've got the Wooden Spoons. Oh my god. You gotta bring them out. Oh, you gotta bring them out. You have a very

manic depressive band right there. I almost started playing guitar yesterday. Really? Yeah. You know, it's kind of confusing by the way. You know,

you're not Jewish, which I thought for years. I am. But you do lean into it. You have a menorah. I am Jewish. I'm Ashkenazi. How cool is that?

I took a 23andMe. I'm just a little pinch. Just a little pinch? Just a little pinch? How much? Like fucking 16%. 16%. Wow.

Interesting. Interesting. So did you get the menorah and the shofar after that? We got the menorah for our Christmas episode. The shofar I've had since 2007 because my, oh, that was not good. It was athletic greens. Oh, God. Was it? Athletic greens. Thank you. Thank you. Pr was athletic greens. Oh, God. Was that a fart? Athletic greens.

Thank you. Thank you. Promo code Scott. Also, have you been mixing pork chops in with your athletic greens? I thought you were just smelling your pussy or something. Ugh. Wafting it up. No, my old roommate, BFF, shout out, Jared.

You're the man. He moved out half block up the street. We see each other and say hello. Is he Baby Blues guy? No. Wait, what about him? Wait. He gave us the shofar. Oh, okay. I used to go to his house for Shabbat and everything and they'd let me blow the shofar. Oh, nice.

Anyway, who tried to fuck your girlfriend yesterday? No, that was someone else. I don't know. I don't remember. I don't know if they did. But they were... Where were you? You were such a fucking... It's not them. They seemed really interested in our story and I'm like, that's got to be an agenda.

Nobody wants to sit through this. They were like, wow, that's really fascinating. I'm like, hey, get away from my lady. There's no way in hell you could be interested in that story But yeah I don't remember But she wants me to get more jealous

She has some of those qualities I'm not jealous type Isn't that funny when girls are like What if I fuck someone I jack off in the corner and it's hot She wants you to get more like machismo Like be jealous No

Just jealous To balance it out Yeah She wants him to feel lucky That he's swinging so high out of his league I'm lucky I feel lucky I'm just not like

I don't know She is more insecure than you So you get to feel safe Yeah Which is nice I feel like she Yeah is not You know yeah I don't she, yeah, is not, you know, yeah. I don't know. I mean, I guess

I don't know what you guys are saying because all you're saying is, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, no, I know. She, yeah. I'm trying to debate. That's me debating how much I can say without getting in trouble. Oh my God. Nobody's gonna get in trouble. She's in my podcast sometimes. She, yeah, that's fine. But she just wants...

Oh, did I tell you? I'm not worried about getting... I'm worried about... That's what you get for the burp. She just wants to feel hot. You're really just going into the direction of morning radio basically. You think you're so hip

but you're really just like... Welcome to Queer in the Cunt. WBIWJ. That's our radio call time. Welcome to BIWJ 107.5 with Queer in the Cunt. We're here in the morning. This hip basement is just a mere smoke screen for an ironic morning radio. This is just how his basement looks.

Oh, her pussy smells again. That means it's Monday. Did you put your own pussy in that athletic breeze? We'll be back right after this. Here's Richard Marks. It's like, you know, one of my pet peeves. I want to know what love is. One of my new rules I hate is like, you know, like a hot girl on Instagram will like do something where she's making fun of influencers.

But she's hot. So it's like the same. It's like I'm just jacking off to you. What's the difference? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just ironically be like, this is how influencers act. You're an influencer.

That's always funny if you're ugly. I haven't seen how they act. Who are you talking to? I don't know. I'm just saying general people. What do influencers do? What? What do influencers do? You make fun of an influencer. I don't know. Influencers, I guess they do nothing. If they did something, they'd be called that.

Have you seen those little boys that chill for Biden? No. Oh, dude, there's like these 22-year-old kids that chill for Biden? No. Oh, dude, there's like these 22-year-old kids that chill for Biden, and they're like, Gen Z's here to say that the Republicans are going down.

We back Joe, and we're excited for this election. Well, that's just Bernie kids. It's great. No. Don't associate fucking Bernie with that. Don't associate our Lord and Savior with that. Don't associate our little Bernie shirts? Well, I was like? Biden's always very sleepy and stuff.

Sleepy Joe. The reason Trump has energy is because he's a narcissist. When you're a narcissist, you don't listen to other people. That's what drains you in life, listening to other people. Listening to other people will make you tired.

No. Is that why you're never tired? Yeah. Yes. Welcome back to B.I.W.J. It's Queer in the Cunt in the Morning. This show is like, you know how it goes, especially if you can't cross the stream?

This is you crossing. Don't come. This is you crossing borderline and bipolar. And the nuclear. Listen to me. I can't hear about Biden anymore from comics. Uh-huh. I can't hear about it.

Well, you brought it up to be fair. No, that's fine. I'm just riffing. It's fine on podcast. But I was saying this to the seller. Sorry I didn't shut him down. If I hear one more. Wait, what take on Biden? Just that Biden is not a president. That he's shut him down. If I hear one more. Short of the lady. What take on Biden?

Just that Biden is not a president, that he's a sleepy president, that he's not there, that he's missing, that he's a ghost. Well, you'll be happy to know I willingly stopped

doing my Biden joke even though it gets a big laugh and I think it's kind of funny just because it is in that realm. Yeah. And I'm like, I got to have high standards. And that was like

no more Trump impressions. Can I tell you that- Except for from Fisher and Gillis. Can I tell you the two funniest Biden jokes? Fucking Tom Takar's Biden joke about the Trump people when he's like, Trump! And then the Biden's like, I guess. And then Shane has one where he's like, you know when someone has like a 16-year-old dog and they walk in the room? That's like Biden when he comes on stage.

That's because it's a joke about the dog and I think you could eliminate the Biden part. No, that's what makes it a joke. Eliminating Biden is eliminating the joke. Without Biden you're just saying you ever see a 16 year old dog?

No, he goes like this. He goes Biden is like Biden is like when you walk into somebody's house and they have a 16-year-old dog. And then, listen to me, and then he pivots the joke. You go up to Chris Rock and be like, you don't need to make it about black people in N-word. You could just say that about anything. Some people go to the movie.

Some people talk near the movie. No, I'm telling you, the joke is, he goes like this. He goes, stop, calm down, calm down. I know, I know. It's B goes, stop, calm down, calm down. I know, I know. It's Bully Jordan time. It's Bully Jordan. If this becomes a Jeff Asmus and Ian podcast,

I swear to God, I will walk out. I swear to fucking God. That was the worst time for me. Were you bullied? Oh my God, yes. As soon as he gets somebody on his side a little bit, he goes so hard on me and later has to backtrack so many mean things that he says. Welcome back to B-I-W-J in the morning.

He made me pee in my pants a little earlier. This is the joke. He basically says Biden is like when you walk into a friend's house and there's the 16-year-old dog. You literally could say, and then he goes into the dog bit where he's like, hey, there he is.

It's just all about Biden. I'm so curious how this is going. You literally could say, I go to my sister's house, there's the 16-year-old dog. You guys see that before? We walk in and you're like, oh, there he is. You guys see that before? Come on. The joke is you're not imagining Biden.

You're imagining a dog. No. Nobody thinks that way about Biden. Nobody's like, nobody's imagining going, there he is. I got a killer joke. You ready for this? You ever see an old dog? That's it.

That's the joke. You know why? You ever see an old dog? You know why I say this? The old dog is like. I walked in on the joke after the Biden part, and it was so funny. There's the joke. Look at you. You ever see an old dog is like... I walked in on the joke after the Biden part and it was so funny. There's the truth. Look at you.

You ever see an old dog? Doesn't even make sense. Hold on. Let's try it. You ever see an old dog and it's like just so old? It's like old and it's moving. What do you think? What are we, fucking Portland?

Listen to that. Jesus Christ. There are so many jokes about dogs. I do jokes about dogs. What's another joke we can separate? My dogs about jokes are great. Let me tell you. These dogs, they're perverts.

They just hump and hump. Cats don't hump. Great joke. We should not have a dog be so sleepy when it's president. You don't need it. Showlist is somebody who easily could have a joke about an old dog and make it funny. Nobody is thinking. That dog should not be sleepy.

He's in control of too many things. How are we all, it's so crazy that a dog is this tired. I don't want a sleepy dog. When he has so many responsibilities. You could say it about anything. You could say about an old person. You could say it about anything. You could say it about an old person. You could say it about his dad. That dog was sniffing that girl's hair.

He doesn't say that on the show. And it was inappropriate. That dog had a puppy with a laptop. People are like, is that about Biden? No. It's just B-I-W-J in the morning. We're the wacky crew. We've got queer, the cun, the Jew.

Back after this. I bring guests on, and then you bond with them at my expense. That's what's happened. We'll be right back after this. Here's Journey. Sherry. Ian got a rub and tug after promising that he wouldn't see prostitutes anymore. Why wouldn't you see a...

I don't think so. I don't consider them prostitutes. Because it's becoming an issue. I don't consider them prostitutes. Take off the sunglasses. You're dehumanizing. You're becoming Stanford Prison Experiments. Classic airplane bit. Can I tell you, I didn't sleep much last night. Now I've had my coffee.

What up? I hate you. You could easily make a joke about when somebody has an old ass dog. It is a funny joke. That is a funny joke. When you walk into somebody's house and there's an old dog and you have to be like, there he is. I get what you're saying, where it helps with the Biden thing.

But I'm just saying he could figure out a way to divorce that from Biden. He could say you look like when somebody has an old dog. I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. I'm just sick of Biden jokes. I would rather hear a joke about how it is crazy how we never hear from Biden than how old he is. You should do a master

class on comedy. George Carlin's joke about abortion doesn't need abortion as a topic. The line is, you ever notice people who are pro-life are the people you wouldn't want to fuck anyway? There's more bad words than just the sentence. If you ever notice that people are some people

you wouldn't want to fuck anyway. Why don't we take a poll? Why don't we take a poll? Should or should not Jordan remove that booger from her nose? Why do I always have a booger? That was a hunker.

No! It's also black from the soot outside. Yesterday I was pulling out black boogers. Take my wife, please. Doesn't need the wife. You know what? You know what? Take this guy.

Rodney Dangerfield. He doesn't have to talk down to himself. The jokes are still funny. Sorry, this is... I will smash you. I will absolutely smash you is... I will smash you. I will absolutely smash you. I will absolutely smash you. Give me love. You're a stupid...

I'm going to freak out. I'm going to freak out and say things I don't mean. Stop bullying me enough. The joke is dead. Ow! I have a tattoo. What happened to you as a child? I hate you. I want to talk to Alan. I'm taking your slot. You're bumping me from fucking therapy?

I got bumped. Who bumped me? Sagalow bumped me. Sagalow bumped you? I know. The therapy world is real different than the stand-up world. That's the podcast world. Woo. But yeah anyway No

I'm filming some short films And I realized I need to Conserve my money If I cancel that studio And I'm putting the money into a short film But I might do like The one that you're writing with what's his face I'm doing one other one with Joe next week.

I'm filming. Nice. Need an actor? Drama. I'm all set. The results are back. No. We lost the baby?

No. Her head fell off. Nah. But yeah, I'll probably bring back. I think I'll probably do like a movie thing or something. Look at you, Mr. Humble. A movie about what? A movie like podcast or something. A movie?

About nothing. A movie podcast? Yeah. Like I was just doing a general podcast. Oh, a podcast about movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, do that. I think I'll do it on Zoom so I don't have to fucking talk to work. Yeah. Do it on Zoom.

Even audio. Yeah, yeah. Or just do it by myself. Yeah. I just don't like having to get people. I don't know. But I should do podcasts. I like doing it.

You're not making a decent amount of money now. I saw your Patreon. Oh, thank you. A thousand a piece a month What? No? More? More How much are you making?

What kind of conversation is this? Jew it down, Ronan I thought you had the Jew at the door This is fun time It's not Ronan's financial hour What is this? Is it a ghost to talk about the money you're making on the podcast at the podcast? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. You never bring up

money, religion and politics with friends. It's not very much. Okay. I won't bring. It goes to him. Yeah. Yeah. We need more. Patreon.com slash beanie and pod. The ads are coming in. That's good. We have to pay. We pay him.

Studio fee. Ian pockets a bunch of it. You're full of garbage. You sold merch at our show and you gave me $20 to go get a snack. No, I gave you more than that in your pocket. I gave you more than that. And also,

I pay you out more than I pay myself. So there. What do you think of that? I thought we were not supposed to talk about money. You kind of scalded me and went right into it. Welcome back to B at WJ. It's Queer the Gun, the Jew. We got money talk on the table. What, um...

Renani... Can I have sunglasses if you're going to scream because I'm beginning to get a headache? So, uh... But yeah. Hold on, hold on. I cut out my back. I do not pocket the money.

I know that was a bit, but I just... You just got that one night. No, but the... But I gave you money because you went to eat. I took the rest of the money and then I put that in the account.

Denying being stingy is a bad look with the menorah and the shofar. You really set yourself up there. You're like... I wish you shot me. Have you ever been mugged before? No, I've never been mugged.

But you look so muggable. Yeah, you really did look like you'd been mugged before. I guess I exude a vibe like I don't have much money on me. I don't know. I've never been mugged, yeah. I mean, I'm very like... Maybe it's a constant walking

with a backpack. I've never been mugged. Yeah. I mean, I'm very like... Maybe it's a constant walking with a backpack. I've never been mugged. One time I fell asleep years ago. I fell asleep on the subway and I got woken up by a person asking if I needed a place to stay. It was like people collecting homeless people for the shelter. Oh, that's so funny. Were you drunk or just tired? No, I just

I guess looked bad. That's happened to me, too. I've asked for somewhere to eat, and people have been like, there's a shelter down there. Oh, dude. That's bad, yeah. When I was in, like, fifth grade,

on Easter Sunday, the priest was talking about, like, HIV and, like, AIDS and everything. Classic. So much of when you're talking is just heartburn, and you're just... Was it heartburn? You do it on stage, too, where you're talking is just heartburn. And you're just... Was it heartburn? You do it on stage too, where you're like...

You guys... It's classic Easter Sunday talk. Jesus has risen and so do lesions on people's bodies. Jesus went away, but do you know what didn't? Anyway, so what we said... Lesions. What? Oh. Jesus went away but do you know what didn't be anyway so he said what no I thought some guy had AIDS so I asked my mom for money to give it to him

and I said I'm sorry that you have AIDS and he said I don't have AIDS and then he like got upset you just thought he looked AIDSy yeah how old were you I would say that's even worse than assuming someone's pregnant. I had somebody ask if I was pregnant.

I feel like you probably got them both. Are you pregnant? Somebody asked when I was pregnant when I was at my skinniest. So anorexic. It was such a nightmare. I was wearing a dress that went here and I was holding my back because we'd been backpacking all day.

I had my hands behind like this. She was like, are you pregnant? She was like, no here and then, and I was holding my back because we'd been backpacking all day. So I had my hands behind like this and was like, and she was like, oh, and was like, are you pregnant? And she was like, no, it's because you're, you were glowing. And I was like, I stayed inside for a full day. Are you pregnant? I just think, you know, you just look really excited about life.

The poor lady felt so bad. No, it's not because you're fat. You just, you just seem like you're looking forward to something. I was so fucked up. One time my brother had a friend who was like fat And my mom when she like looked at him She's like why are you hiding a basketball in your shirt

Like she literally did the pregnant confusion on a dude She was like why are you hiding That's so funny Why do you have a baby in your stomach That's crazy Dude when I was in my fattest Sean Donnelly came up to me and goes Why are you wearing two coats

I was like what You weren't No Wow I love Sean Donnelly I would bring it up to me and goes, why are you wearing two coats? You weren't? No. Wow. I love Sean Donnelly. I would bring it up to my girlfriend. I have a lot of fat trauma growing up. And I remember when my mom was like, when I was 10, I'd go

shopping with her and she'd always like yell to the person across the thing. Excuse me! Do you know where the husky section is? Yeah. The husky section! It's awful. My son is fat. No.

And he needs the husky section. She would say that? Well, not the husky part. That's a bit. Yeah, yeah. But the husky part. Yeah. Very traumatizing.

Do you remember trying on pants? Yeah. Were you fat growing up too? Very skinny. Okay. So skinny I had to have milkshakes and stuff to make me gain weight. Wow. You're like an actor trying to gain weight.

You're like De Niro in Raging Bull. So offensive. See, I can act. He melted ice cream and drank it like a bunch of shit. I hate hearing that shit. Why? Because I'm like, dude, try doing it for free. I've been doing that my entire life.

I just have really good metabolism. I'm also like. Why is it so hard? The annoying part is that they get really fat. Well, actually, it was really bad. I was reading the Raging Bull synopsis or something, and it said his weight at the end, and it was like my weight. Yeah, that's the worst.

I just wanted to kill myself. Same with Charlize Theron and Tully. She's like, I had to wake myself up and force feed myself mac and cheese. I'm like, that's every night for me. I'm doing it for free. I think the acting thing that's so upsetting is that De Niro did that and then he just went back to normal like six months

and meanwhile it's taken me hasn't ever, I haven't ever been able to get back in shape. I would love to look like De Niro in Cape Fear. Yeah. But I had really fast metabolism and it slowed down so I get a belly pretty easily

and that I think I have body dysmorphia because I've always thought I was like incredibly fat. You're not fat but what's interesting you're not fat but you are like stocky but not fat. He's barrel tested. Maybe stocky is the wrong word. You seem hurt. Stocky? You seem hurt. You fucking husky Chino. Hey, hey, hey.

What's the word? Barrel chested? He's barrel chested Barrel chested George is stocky I do have a very barrel body But I'm saying you're barrel chested That's what I'm fat You know what I mean?

I just have the kind of body that has fat hanging off of it We were talking about this I have big bones. I'm big boned and there's a lot of fat on that bone. I'm big skinned. I'm big fat. I was trying to not do sugar. And then, dude, I ate a ton of sugar and I feel like I've lost weight.

It's weird. Yeah. Is that what happened to you? Yes, that happened last time. Remember? Oh, yeah. That's why I brought it up. I'm weightlifting now

With a trainer I want to do that He doesn't try to fat shame me but today He like indirectly fat shames me We were like working out Like I was lifting my whole body So he's not talking about the body He's just talking about the weight I'm using

Which is my body's like it's hard right Because you're lifting 210 pounds. That's a lot of weight. That's so funny. It's not as hard for me because I'm only lifting 175 pounds. You see? I'm like, are you trying to prove to me that you're in better shape than me?

It is hard for you. You're lifting a lot of weight and then later you have a hard time putting on pants because of weight. Lot of weights. You are really pushing yourself at the gym with all this a hard time putting on pants because of weight. Lots of weights. Lots of weights. You're working. You are really pushing yourself at the gym with all this weight you're putting on. Yeah.

I was like, you're just calling me fat. Every time you stand up, you are bench pressing. Yeah, I'm very impressed. That's what pisses me off is little girls stand up. Like every time I go like this, I'm lifting all 150. That's why I've never, it's a paradox. It seems like if you're fat, it's like having a fat suit on, that should make you lose

all the fat. Yes! Being fat should make you lose the fat. Yes. Being fat is like a workout all the time. It's like the Lord giving you body weights. Yeah. So why aren't all fat people thin? Because they're lazy. And they don't get up. Based on this theory, all fat people should

be thin and all thin people should be fat. This is why the weight problem exists. We went to Whole Foods when we were in Vegas. We bought food for a week. We ate it in one day. You're talking about me and you? Yes. Are you saying my weight issue started eight months ago?

That's why they don't have weight issues. Are you really? It's because they can have snacks in the cupboard and leave them there. Who? Who are you talking about? Actors. Oh. People people who can lose weight people who are very thin easily it's just be hilarious my weight issue started eight months i'm like fat my whole life i wouldn't be all this trauma and then eight months ago i'm whole foods i'm like oh my god oh my god i'm fat i also directly like if there's something going on in my life,

like I'll have this thought where I'm like, oh shit, I had to spend a lot of money on that. I'll all of a sudden look and I am just horking. Like I immediately, if I'm having anxiety. Like Brendan Fraser in the whale when he's fucking speed eating his little chocolate bars.

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Was there a scene where he had a drawer? I haven't seen it, but I've seen the other drawer. And one drawer is Snickers bars. And the other drawer is granola bars. I'm like, those are both unhealthy. Yeah, that's what you said, but I didn't see that in the movie. But like, if you're... I watched it on a plane.

Me too. But it's bad that you're so... It's bad to be at the level of... I mean, obviously, it's bad to be that fat because you can't move. But it's bad to be at the level of fat where granola is like a healthy option. Yeah, totally.

Because granola is just a candy bar too. Yeah, totally. But maybe you're so fat. Granola is good for you. No, it's very healthy. Granola and yogurt? Really bad. Granola is just sugar.

Granola is sugar. Yeah, it's bad for you. But, like, I guess if you put granola on my yogurt. Yeah, that's why your barrel chested. Good metabolism. Those are two opposite things that came out of both your mouths. I said, that's why your barrel chested. That's good metabolism.

Dude, you know what? In that movie, when he jerks off, he just comes and then he doesn't clean it up. The whale? No, I think he wipes it. Have you seen Happiness? Where Philip Seymour Hoffman comes on the wall and then puts a postcard? And there's all these other postcards on the wall.

Where? The movie Happiness. Philip Seymour Hoffman's in it? Yeah. It's my favorite. Yeah, it's a great movie. I just re-watched it recently. Remember when I told you that I saw that movie?

What was the movie? Pizza? Licorice Pizza? Licorice Pizza. I was like, I love that kid. He's like the next Philip Seymour Hoffman. And you were like, that's his son. And I was like, what? Really? Oh, that's great. No, stop. I touch it. You're going to bother it.

Yeah, so I'm trying to work out. I don't know. Weight stuff is hard so I'm trying to work out I don't know weight stuff is hard I'm so sore All the time I go to my gym down the street Three days a week with this Hungarian guy Is he good is he jacked is he hot He's very jacked

Why don't you Oh do you need him to motivate you Yeah I kind of wish he'd say like If you worked out if you get abs I'll let you fuck me. Like I feel like that. He's that hot. That's quite a carrot at the end of the stick.

If you get abs, you'll get this asshole. Shiny asshole. You big bisexual, you're so shocked by that. You're like... I didn't picture you as someone that would use that as motivation. Whereas me, the gym

is a cruising spot. I guess I'm making a joke. Yeah, that wasn't shock. That was him being like, would you suck my dick? Do you need a new trainer? I do push-ups and pull-ups. I need a gym

Yeah, I mean, that's hard I need to get the form right It's tough, it's really hard I do need a gym from the office He was a sweet guy The next day you're just weak and emotional I've been doing a lot of push-ups

and I feel so It feels good, it's a good hurt I will say, my trainer said it live the other day I'm like, I've never heard anyone say working, doing a lot of pushups and I feel so... It feels good. It's a good hurt. I will say, my trainer said it live the other day. I'm like, I've never heard anyone say this. It's kind of funny. What? We're talking about name, how complicated a name and I always want to change it. He's like, you don't have to change it. Look at Arnold Schwarzenegger. His last name is two racial slurs

for black people back to back. Schwarzer. And what? What?warza? But I'm like, I've never heard that. Is that like, has someone made that point?

That's interesting. What is schwarza? Don't say that. It's the Yiddish N-word. Oh, really? Yeah. So you're getting canceled by Yiddish people right now. Wow, I just found my new tagline. You're getting canceled by Shorda just right now I just found my new tagline

You're getting cancelled by Shorty just found her new catchphrase for her merch That's crazy I've never heard anybody say that The one Yiddish speaking fan is like I am never listening I'm never listening to this podcast Again

Speaking of Jews God the Hasidics out there today Really trying to cream me On my motorcycle What do you mean cream you They are driving like there's no lines in the road Like reckless I've never seen them like it

I really hate the Hasids No Stop No you don't Do you hate them because it's men ignoring you No. Stop. No, you don't....me my home. Do you hate them because it's men ignoring you? Yeah. Wow.

We just got down to the... I hate the way the women look at my tattoos, and they're like, ugh, I hate the way that they, when I'm running, and they just... That outfit's so hot. They don't shower,

and they run in front of me, and they stink like ash. They don't wash their hands. Maybe it's just because you're breathing out of your mouth when you run. That was bad. You're sounding like Hitler. You're like, these hostage, they shouldn't even be here. They smell, they're a germ.

Yeah. I was hoping when I saw the smoke outside, somebody had done something. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Welcome back to Joke Radio on BIWJ 107. This is Queer in the Cunt. You know why I don't? The other thing is they have their own police force

and ambulance. Yeah. That's cool. That's funny. Yeah, I like that. It's very annoying because you'll think that you're dealing with the police and you're like, oh, good, police. What do they do? They arrest people for eating like pork.

Like what are women trying to leave? They arrest their husband for being in their school. What? What? They also do that. Kind of disinformation campaign you want right now. They clean out black schools and they put their little inbred children in there their special ed kids and displace the black people you can look at him all you want that's the truth i know you're searching his eyes for the truth that is the truth

where did you learn this this american daily stormer this cool meeting with a bunch of like-minded anybody who has lived in new New York for any period of time Knows about that The displacement of the black school I like how you openly have anti-Semitism as your brand I'm anti-everythingism I'm anti-gay people

I'm anti a lot of black people Very frequently Hey man I don't just go after one group I go after them all. I'm an equal opportunity hater. That is a good way to just get away with hating everyone. If you just hate enough people, it's fine.

Yeah. So the problem is not that you hate. The problem is not hating. It's actually hating too little. I think the problem is existing. Right, right. But if you just hate one group, that's bad. Yeah. But if you hate... No, but I hate all of them for the reasons why they are colloquially

hated. Right. You know what I mean? I'm not like, I hate Derek because I'm like, no, Derek is loud in movie theaters because he's black. If someone's that racist, but for every group, does that take a little off? Does that lighten it a little? Well, that's the whole thing about playing both sides. Anytime you're just on one side. Nah, because the Nazis hated everyone. That didn't make them less

racist. They didn't hate themselves. She hates herself. Oh, you hate yourself too. Well, if you hate yourself too. Yeah. Yes. Are you kidding me? I am a Scandinavian blonde hipster with fuckingster You're Italian With fucking skull tattoos You're saying if Hitler had a little self-hatred

You'd be like, it's fine Hitler said that there was one good one I'm saying they're all bad Let's not even start defending I might need What? You're saying no one's good You might need one To kill myself Yeah, I're saying. You're saying no one's good.

You might need one to kill myself. Yeah, I guess racism does involve thinking one group is good. See, racism is one group is better than the other. She's not better than anyone. He just said that. That's a great point. And I'm reiterating. So in a way, like, Jack Nicholson, as good as it gets, isn't, like, fully racist because he hates everyone.

Yeah. Yes. Because he's pretty racist. He's my idol. But he's, I mean, he literally... When he says the Jews are sitting at my table. Maybe if your appetites weren't as big as your noses, I could get out of here.

And then he goes, people who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch. Great movie. We also know all the lines to my favorite song, which my motorcycle's named after. And I have a tattoo of Ramona. Oh yeah, Ramona. Ramona Oh yeah Ramona One of my best

Ramona But As good as it's great As good as it's great But it Restart all of that As good as it gets Is great

But it is from the 90s Where someone could just have Racism as One of many personality traits He's like He's just racist He's just racist when he's grumpy. Like, it's like a mood.

But what's so bad about that? It's a great movie. Oh my god, I love it. Him and, what's his name? What's the black guy's name? Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh my god, it's so good when he's just directly racist. He doesn't think a group is, I guess part of racism is to really be like. He does it with

women, remember? She's like like how do you write women so well and he's like I take a man and I eliminate all reason and accountability. That's why that whole thing. One of the greatest lines of all time. That's why that whole thing about like when they're like well black people can't be racist because of power blah blah. It's like no but they think they're better than

and that's racist. If you do that's racist. If you are like a black supremacist that's racist. Well yeah and also it is racist to hate someone based on the color of their skin. It's also racist. That's terrible. It's also racist to think a black supremacist isn't racist because we're kind of saying that's adorable. You think black people are better. That's so adorable.

It's all racist. And if it's not racist. I mean, come on, you don't really think that. Right, right, right, Right, right, right. It is kind of a racist... You don't really think all the black people... You're just saying that to even the playing field.

If it's not racist, then it's like, well, it is bigoted and prejudiced. And that's fine. No, every group is racist. Every group is racist. I'd say... I'm never prejudiced against Irish people. I think... That's true. What?

You hate them the most because you make them date you. I mean, there are ways... Who do you think is racist? I'm going to tell you about the choices I've been making currently in my life, so I'm going to make Jordan feel bad. Probably Russians or people in that area. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a barber who's Uzbekistani And he's He is quite problematic I was going to say he said the other day I love Koreans They're so upfront No they're just cool because they're always smoking cigs together around a scooter My barber seriously said Like he was cutting my hair and he went What did Harvey Weinstein do that was so wrong

Yeah he did He goes what did Harvey Weinstein do that was so wrong It'd be one thing if, you know, he said, you'd be in my movie, you'd have to have sex with me. It'd be one thing if they had sex with him and I didn't put him in the movie, but he did. He was a man of his word. That's a guy who's just like,

he's like, I'm just pro-prostitution. And he got scissors to my ear, so I'm like. But yeah, yeah, yeah. I completely believe. You've got your life in your hands. Complete overreaction. You're like, I'll fuck you right now. I don't know what Harvey Weinstein did at all.

Yeah, he's like that the whole haircut He's like Israel should nuke Iran He told me once He goes The problem with Biden is he's not tough on Russia We needed someone like Trump When Putin talked about nuclear weapons Trump would be like well I'll shoot nuclear weapons at you

We needed someone to escalate the situation What is that? Oh, my God. But you got to have a, you know, so he's like pretty, yeah. But like, I feel like Russian people are pretty, I don't know. A lot of those countries are pretty. They're so racist and homophobic. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. I go to a Russian bathhouse and I've seen them say the N word And I'm like your group is definitely not allowed to say Like there's no like Some people are like well maybe Latino But definitely Russians don't get a pass No I feel like Rufat is pushing the line

What is that Uzbekistani He's Kazakhstan right Oh he's from Azerbaijan Azerbaijan It's so bad I thought you were just saying gibberish as a joke right now. In my head, I started to say gibberish and then the actual thing came out.

I was literally about to be like, that's really offensive to make up a country with a ridiculous sounding name like that. I've been doing a joke. He's from Ashkabubagash. Is this something that somebody's already said? You have like a

dried thing. Listen, there's always stuff on my nose. Just leave it there. Are you really mad at me? Get it off. Got it. Are you really mad at me? I've been doing a joke about how like if somebody from the past

came to now and they're like, I thought that we stopped Oh, about Lincoln. Yeah. I thought we stopped like corralling black people and I don't think you need Lincoln for the joke. Welcome back! The B.I.W.J. 104.7 with Queer the Gun the Jew. That was a callback!

Oh, whoo-go! Hon callback. Oh, hooga. Honk, honk, honk. All right. And Ronon is about as red as his hoodie right now. This one is something for the kids out there. Scorpion, rock you like a hurricane. You know what? You wouldn't need Lincoln for the joke.

And I am willing to see that. I am able to see. I'm tired of seeing comics doing Lincoln jokes We get it You shot They're just logs. Why do you need Lincoln In the logs? Aren't logs funny?

Anyway No Pass Are we going around the room? Why don't you go? Why don't you speak? You have the floor. I don't know. I'm just, come on. Nope. I want to hear the joke. No, I'm not going to say it. I want to hear the joke. No, no. Not just so I could say it afterwards without Lincoln to see if it works, but I want to hear the joke. No, I don't feel safe workshopping with you too. It doesn't

feel like I'm in a safe space. So I'm not going to run a new bit because I think that you'll make fun of it. And then I won't say it on stage and it's been working on stage and I'm in a safe space. So I'm not going to run a new bit because I think that you'll make fun of it. Because you're Snowflake. And then I won't say it on stage. Because you're Snowflake. And it's been working on stage and I'm happy about it. So I'm going to take it elsewhere. Like to Jake, my best friend. You know Lincoln. You know Lincoln.

This is true. When they made that movie Lincoln, it's based on a book called a book about Lincoln. No, I forget what the book is called The one that Louis forces everybody to read Oh no What's it called It was called

Who Gives a Shit Okay alright And anyway I hate this It was a book about Lincoln But when the movie came out I swear to God I got your back

I was fucking him up We don't want to fuck each other up Just listen So when the movie came on. Where were you yesterday when we had the guests yesterday? You were sucking that dude's dick. I'm trying to say a funny observation. Oh, it wasn't sucking his dick. Oh, were you trying to say something? I'm trying to say a funny joke about Lincoln.

No, I'm sorry. Did you want to say a statement and you began it and you'd like to finish it? You know how upsetting it is to make a joke about Lincoln and have someone start mocking you? Oh, isn't that hard? Can you imagine that? Isn't it feel vulnerable to say, let me run something by you, and then to have everybody say, poop on your head? Go ahead.

When the Lincoln movie came out, they re- Just let me say this. Oh. Come out with your interesting anecdote. Go ahead. When the Lincoln movie- Oh, pew, pew, pew, pew. We're on a podcast, And it's on the radio

And there's some jokes we said before We'll say them again Ronom wants to spurg out about a movie again Come on Put the pillow down Leave our pillow alone The movie can't bring him into this When the movie came out

They reissued the book, the biography But they had Daniel Day-Lewis' Picture on the cover. Isn't that funny? Like, as Lincoln. They do that with so many books. Yeah, but they don't usually do it with a Lincoln biography. He was a real man. Like, they do that with, like, yeah,

like, you know, like, Congo or something. But they don't do it, like, they literally have Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln on the cover of a Lincoln. On the cover of a Lincoln on the cover of a Lincoln biography. It would be one thing if it was somebody we didn't have photos of, only drawings. I always thought a funny joke. What if Lincoln

came back from time and then he went into a bookstore and he's like, what? What the hell? Don't you think they did that because people are so dumb they'll associate that with a movie and then it'll sell more books? Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's why they did it. Okay, let me try running this bit. What are you, fact-checking my joke?

Has anybody done this? I thought you were telling us... Well, I guess it's that joke. I thought you weren't joking and telling us facts. Well, it was a fact. But, I mean, I know that they're trying to make money. Well, all I know is that that long thing was worth it. It wasn't that long. It got interrupted

for 12 times. They're trying to tell you, hey, nobody bought this biography before. Everybody loved the movie. Just so you know, this is the biography of the movie. It's like that Mike Kaplan joke. Like, oh man, I should read this now. Brad Pitt is in it. Brad Pitt is in the biography. Yeah, Brad Pitt was put in history. So what were you going to say? I just, I'm wondering

it seems like somebody might have said it before, but Lincoln is like, well, I told you to stop collecting black people and making them do things. And they're like, no, that's, yeah, we stopped. And Lincoln is like, well, I told you to stop collecting black people and making them do things, and they're like, no, that's, yeah, we stopped, and they're like, well, what about the NFL? And they're like, no, they want to do it. They like it. We pay it. And they're like, that's what you said about slavery. And they're like, no, seriously, we give them a lot

of money. And they're like, well, at least they can retire. And then it's like, actually, they die at like a really young age. That's funny, yeah. Okay, okay, you haven't heard that before. You do the draft part? Because that's like an auction. Oh, nice. I thought I always have when I watch it. Yeah, and then the combine

is like check their teeth. Right? That's funny, yeah. That's right. The NFL combine is when they test them for how fast they run and how good they are catching and yeah And that's kind of like when they're like checking their teeth and like oh, let's see how good their bones are right

Why am I getting that look? Yeah, I know you know I'm gonna say I know You know what I'm going to say Slavery was bad I just didn't know about the teeth You think anyone would be like let me see your teeth I'd rather not my teeth are not in great shape And it's embarrassing

Do you think they were like let me see your teeth They're like I haven't brushed them yet Yeah it's a little embarrassing They're always like The big thing they said back in the day The thing about the combine No nobody knows what that means I wouldn't say it They're like NFL combine The big thing they said back in the day. The thing about the combine. Nobody knows what that means.

I wouldn't say it. Everybody knows about the NFL combine. People say, hold on, I'm really bothered right now. My thing was very funny. We don't know about that. I don't know about sports. I'm impressed by myself that I knew what a draft was. I'm not going to talk about checking black people's teeth because I know

it's going to happen on stage. It's going to make people clam up. Where the auction thing is. You can kind of remove yourself from a bit. But that's digging deeper into the joke. Fine. Dig deep into your own jokes. I already am well dug into a hole by the time I'm pulling that. It's like mean-spirited workshop jokes. We're trying to fucking diagnose our podcast. It's just a fun fucking time. We're having fun. What does combine mean?

The NFL combine is basically when they take all the players and they test them to see who's running the fastest, who can catch the best, how high they can jump, so that they can use all those stats to base on who is the best player and how they'll perform that season. So it was basically the equivalent of check. Like they literally check their wingspan and like check how strong their legs

are, which is what they would do with slavery, which also really strengthens the joke. There's a lot. Yeah. I just didn't get the reference. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause you're a fucking movie nerd and I'm an alpha sports guy. Every owner of an NFL team is a big fat white guy. Stop. Yeah, I think that's funny. It's really funny. Yeah, it is. I'm taking his draft thing because

draft and auction are two words I knew. I didn't know either of the ones you said. But you knowing it will be interesting because you're a woman and women don't know knew. I didn't know either of the ones you said. But you knowing it will be interesting because you're a woman and women don't know stuff. I don't know it. Well, now you do. No, I don't. I'm going to fucking do that joke.

Then you're stealing my joke. You should just do the last part. You can't. That's my entire premise. Well, I think the joke stands alone. You don't need the idea. That's the rule of comedy. If you don't accept the tag,

he's allowed to do the tag on its own. Yeah, what do you think? That's insane. He'll introduce us like, this is the tag I gave Jordan for a bit. She's obviously doing the bit where I'm going to do the tag. You can say that on stage. That's allowed.

You're allowed to do an out of context tag if it's been rejected from the bit. Yeah, it's like filling people in on a story. Yeah, I do that. If I've given a tag before and they didn't take it, so on stage they'll just be like, and then I jerked her off. And no one knows what I do that. If I've given a tag before and they didn't take it, so on stage they'll just be like, and then I jerked her off. And no one knows what I'm saying.

Don't take my premise. I'm not. I'm kidding. But it would make me feel good if you tried it once. I don't even know. I don't. You are so bad with boundaries. Can I just say this as, I think, a good excuse,

which I make instead of saying it doesn't work. I don't like doing a joke where I didn't get the reference beforehand. Yeah. I don't. I will not know what to say. And the next thing I'll know, I'll be up there and I'll be like, oh, isn't that kind of like when we looked in black people's mouths? She's like, it's like Columbine when we looked in black people's mouths.

I like, just shut up. And guess what? We're all laughing. Yeah, that's true. So not many Columbine race slavery jokes. It's like Columbine, you know, all about, you know, black people's teeth. You know what I'm talking about, right? No.

And it is kind of under the, it is under the gaze of Lincoln. You know what I mean? So it's hard for me to imagine like incorporating it. Lincoln was gay himself. I've heard that. Yeah. for me to imagine like incorporating it. Lincoln was gay himself. I've heard that. Yeah. Was he gay? I've heard that Lincoln was gay.

That's why Mary, his wife, was like so ugly. She was just like a placeholder. Somebody has that amazing joke about... There's rumors a lot of people are gay back then because the thing about back then

is when someone wrote a letter to a male friend who would be like, I love you dearly and think about you all the time. I still remember that night we slept together in the hay. Like every letter was like that back then. So everyone seems kind of gay.

Hygiene was so bad back then. You had to really love men to wade through that fucking disaster forest. But some people just think Lincoln was gay. Oh, it's Norm MacDonald has the joke about Lincoln. What is it? That his wife... He used to get fucked in the ass when a little shit came out.

He'd be like, is that a Lincoln log on the floor? It's a true story. It's a true story. He would reference a toy that was made 200 years later. It's a true story. This guy.

He'd be like, is that a Lincoln log that just came out of my ass This guy That's where a Lincoln log came from From the ship Is that a Lincoln log or a bunch of play-doh He was very witty Impression

Fisher Price Pretty good to be a president where you're like A toy is made out of you after the home you had You know Yeah It's like if Trump had like mansion or something Like you build right Run with me on this bad joke

Yeah Trump Towers Like little kids do Trump Towers Trump card I wonder if the Trump card is from him What is a Trump card Like when it takes all When you what It takes all.

Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, yeah, like it trumps your thing. Yes. It's higher. He does take all. Yeah. He does take all. And he doesn't get back. He doesn't get back. And that guy's got a couple get out of jail free cards. I don't understand how nothing came forward about

all of the landlord stuff. Where he would kick people out of his buildings. Why was that never like aired publicly? He's a slumlord. It was definitely, I mean, it was definitely aired. And his father. I remember. Yeah.

It was kind of beautiful. I remember I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and they had a Woody Guthrie Museum. And they had a lot of his old songs that he had like written, like the actual papers. And a couple of them were about him songs, him railing against Fred Trump, because of Fred Trump's unfair housing practices. So it was like cosmic battles throughout the ages.

Woody Guthrie versus Fred Trump. Whoa, that's wild. That's cool. And then it's like Bernie versus Donald, you know? Yeah. Bernie's the closest thing I can think to Woody. Miss Bernie But yeah So it's like

Oh did you see Pence is running Nuh uh Yeah He is running Running Dude I tell

It was a great joke Where he goes I was in Ohio At a hotel in Ohio And guess who was there Mike Pence That's right I knew he was there

Because my bible was hot Oh my god Come on That's so good. Dan Bolger used to have this joke I love where he's like, I think Donald Trump, when Donald Trump was the president, I think Donald Trump should be impeached immediately. And everyone would start clapping.

And then he'd go, because Mike Pence rules. That's so good. He's great. Is he still doing comedy? Yeah. He's so funny. He's still doing comedy. Is he in Boston? He'll be very hurt to hear that question. Is he still doing comedy? Yeah. He's so funny. He's still doing comedy. Is he in Boston?

He'll be very hurt to hear that question. Is he in Boston? Yeah, really. Leave fucking Boston, Bulger. Hey, he's hilarious. Is he still relevant? Is he still alive? Is he still alive? He is not on my radar, and I am definitely the pulse of sex. He should move to New York. He's so good. I'm not clearing the air on the podcast.

I'm not asking that. Does this happen every time? Oh my God. That's what I'm not doing. I'm not talking about this. Oh, I thought you meant clearing the air about Tim Bulger. You're not clearing the air with me. Can we just hug?

Does this happen all the time or am I bad? Am I toxic to this relationship? No, it's just if anybody goes in on me, Ian takes it as like a... He's been really horrible before. He invalidated your feelings. Yeah, it's just fun. He goes hard.

I haven't gone hard. Have I gone hard? One time I had to spit in his mouth because of how hard he was on me. I'm just trying to have that happen again. If anybody takes my side, he gets manic and bounces off the walls and just says mean things. Have you ever been pissed on? That's not true.

No. Have you? No. Oh, in the shower. In the shower. Yeah. I kind of did. Oh.

No, I mean sexually. Ew. What? No. All right. Jesus. Have you? No.

No. What? No. No. No. Have you ever pissed on someone? No. No.

I don't know why I brought it up. No, I actually haven't, but I don't know. Are you into it? No, no, no. Probably not. That's toxic stuff that comes out of your liver. What? Bladder.

Yes. I think it runs through the liver, too. Something does connect. Yeah. But no, I'm just curious. Why? Maybe something I'll do eventually. I don't know.

On the bed? I have kind of. I did want an ex for me to be in the tub and her just piss all over me. I know a guy who got his shit on his chest. No, thank you. I mean, piss I can be like, all right, I'm not 100%, but shit. That's a little less fun to pee on him in the shower. Oh, because you're being degraded.

I guess. I'm just curious. Yeah, but shit is no. Are you degrading or degrading? Shit is a lot. I like to be degraded Wow That's what you're looking

You fucking pussy Yeah Are you hard? I like to be humiliated Really? Yeah Is she humiliated? Is that why you do stand up?

Really? Would you be like a diaper guy? That's why the crowd's really bad I'm like you're just getting me hard right now I like this I did I told that to Seth They were like really hostile

And I'm like I'm just getting hard on stage right now. That's so hard. Yeah. So what do you like? Do you want to be abused or do you want to be like, ha ha?

I make a joke about this but I really do kind of mean it. I really like not doing anything and when you're getting punched and shit, you're just not, my kink is laziness.

Dude, I feel the exact same way. It's like whip me, handcuff me, as long as I'm not moving I'm a happy camper. and fuck me up so that I don't have to move. So I don't have to move. I feel the exact same way It's like whip me Handcuff me As long as I'm not moving I'm a happy camper Fuck me and fuck me up So that I Don't have to move

So I don't have to move I feel the exact same way I really think Like all the beating up and shit Is just a distraction From the person Not having to do anything I totally agree

I totally agree So I really like Not having to do anything Choke me out So I'm unconscious Sometimes I do dominate But like We switch

But I really like being dominated You know I think that's I feel exactly that way I'm like yeah Just beat my head into the pillow so that I can't do anything. I've liked dominating for so long and all that,

but it does get tiring being the dominating one. Yeah, of course. That I've kind of wanted to be the one to be like, alright, just doing everything. I want to fuck somebody while somebody's watching. Cook. Lawyer? Wait, anyone watching or someone that likes you watching

somebody who likes me watching dude that could be a patreon have have the people watch you get fucked what no no what they can screen grab it oh in person a little that would be great. That I'm down with. Have all of our autistic audience people come in. I would come immediately. That would be hilarious.

The second I found out we had a peeping Tom in college, they were like, by the way, your landlord is... I came. I like the idea of public sex. I've been having a hard time getting hard in public. I've been getting blown in bathrooms And it's like Oh you're fucking in public I'm so confused

That's okay you don't need to get hard in public But it's how I go pee pee But you're fucking in public Now I understand If you don't fuck in public That's not really an issue If I'm going to do it in public Stop doing it in public

You're getting older. I know. Happens to all men. Once they're older, they start having to use blue chew while fucking on a train station. Yeah. Or whatever you're doing. I like how you're having your midlife thing, but it's still like public sex. You ever see two people fucking

in public? I can't get it up in this phone booth. Yeah. Oh, dude. Me and this girl were in a bathroom stall and we were going down on each other and this woman was taking a shit talking to herself next to us and I was like, we just have to leave. Are you doing this on cocaine?

No. You don't do drugs? No. Sober. I had sex in the gutter bathroom. Really? Well, that's what it's made for. That's a single stall.

Yeah. This is public. Oh. And the girl next to us was like, oh, he was so ugly, you put his face in the cheese, he turned into yogurt. She was talking about shitting.

Yeah. And you were fucking. Could she see you fucking? No. She was in the stall next to us. How could you do it so quietly that she didn't hear? We weren't fucking.

We were going down on each other. Oh. But she could have looked and seen two people. What is that face? She could have seen four feet under the stall. Just the idea of you going down on somebody in a bathroom means there's a toilet near. I just don't like it. Well, you guys are the ones talking about public.

And a woman shitting right next to him. Where is your public? On the street? Yeah, I was thinking on the street. On the street? You could fuck on the street. No, I fantasize. I don't do it.

I fucked in a park recently. Really? When? Well, yeah. It's hot. Oh, no. It was so hot. No, never. Really good. You could fuck on the street No I fantasize I don't do it I fucked in a park Recently Really When Well It's hot Oh no It was so hot No never Really good

Again with that talk I'd like to do it again Not with that one I'd like to No you wouldn't You fucked in a park Stop This is bad

Because of the one she fucked with Okay That's a keeper You shouldn't let him Out of truck Woo It's off This is a segment

on BFWJ. Let's pick my phone. Don't let that one get away. You were such a fucking dick. You know. Of course I know. I'm protecting. Thank you.

You don't have to protect. We're friends. It was good park sex That I initiated Here we go Are you afraid, was there a possibility of you getting caught? I think he was afraid of getting caught I was hoping to get caught Why?

Because I like the idea of getting caught What if a child sees you? He says child like you do Child That's how I always say it Child What the fuck is going on? Is that illegal? Like, follow it through. Whoa, he says child like you do. Child. Child. Child. Yeah, child. That's how I always say it. Yeah, child. The fuck is going on?

Every time I say child, I get possessed by a black woman. Child. Child. He literally does. Child. Every time a black person around, he gets possessed by a black person. Yes, it's insane. Are you, are you, you start sounding black?

I code switch. You code switch even though you're white? That's funny. Hey, what, pick it through to the next step. Someone catches you, then what? Let's act it out. Let's act it out. Let's act it out.

You two are fucking. You two are fucking in the park. Ready? I catch you. What did I say? What? I am sexually. I am a what?

Silly goose. So the idea of somebody walking in and me having to go and running away is the most fun. Anybody going tag, you're it. That's what I want. All right, here. You guys are having sex and I catch you. Ready? No, no. Run on. Get on. What am I doing? You guys are fucking.

Okay, now degrade him. You're a little bitch. You're a little bitch. Walking with my family. We're holding balloon animals. You're a little bitch. You're just a tiny little baby bitch. Walking with my family. We're holding balloon animals. Oh, no! What are these two beasts doing? I'm sorry.

I'm just a silly goose. I'm just a silly goose. It looks like that bear is having sex with that wounded bird. Another bear. It looks like that bear is having sex with another bear. Oh, never mind. It's just two bears fucking kids. Don't worry about it.

Children, the word of the day is mistake. Yeah, if kids saw me, I might feel bad, but I knew there weren't no kids. Yeah, you always worry about that. I've always used to have sex publicly with Paul, my first boyfriend. Really?

I've never done it. It's hard to perform. Well, it's hard to like... Jack, holy mother of God. Dude, I met a guy standing up. I was against a tree. Oh, that's cool. What?

Yeah. Just bark on bark. Oh, please. We. What? Yeah. Just bark on bark. Oh, please. We can't talk about it. I can't think about it. That was better than mine. I was going to say, he sounds like a real sap.

I'm sorry. He was giving me a lot of... There was a lot of wood going on. Yeah, I'm going to go out on a limb. Not good. Keep her else. They're in trees. What? It's a tree thing.

Oh, dude. One time, me and this guy met up to hook up in a park and I just could not get hard. We were just tugging each other's wieners. I was just like... The putty? Yeah, I was like, look, this isn't going to work. I love watching homeless men try and get hard. When you start talking. I guess I've only just seen you with women. Yeah, it doesn't, look, this isn't going to work. I love watching homeless men try and get hard.

I always forget you're bisexual when you start talking. I guess I've only just seen you with one. Yeah, doesn't it make you want to shut down emotionally? Are you making it up? Are you making it up just for... Well, I just never see you. Doesn't it make you immediately retreat into your body like a turtle into a shell

when you start remembering that he has homosexual tendencies? I guess I could see. I mean, I could definitely see you with a man at a park. Isn't it crazy? You can watch your respect level plummet. I don't feel good about it. I don't feel good about it. You fucking bitch. I don't feel good about it.

There's something about the bisexual thing. Like, if you were gay, I would be like, get yours. But there's something about I fuck women and then sometimes I fuck men. It's a little gluttonous. Yeah, and guess what? It is gluttonous. That is why fucking

the B in the LGBT is so fucking abused and so fucking everybody shits on it and it's the only fucking part of the queer culture you're allowed to fucking say shit about without people being offended

and it is gluttonous I have such a hole inside me I want everyone to fuck me do you think I like living this way I wish I just had one thing that I liked but my body is pulling me towards other things.

Yeah, bring him down. It's also... Cut and fag. It's also... Fuck you. The two things you like fucking the most. Yeah, I'm horny. You have to cut fag.

Make a choice. Yes, make the choice. See? Oh, oh, being gay is not a choice, but bisexual is, you fucking assholes. It's not a choice, but you have a lot of time in the day. It feels like it's gluttonous. What?

It's Brianna. You know my hot friend? Everything's a choice. I mean, when you choose to fuck someone. I wish I could just be with one and be content. I feel like a freak all the fucking time, and I hate it. You know, everything's a choice. If you fuck someone, that's a choice. Yeah, being gay is a choice.

You're choosing to fuck someone. It's not your fault that you're having these horrible, thinful thoughts. It doesn't work with my list very well. You just said thinful. Talk about wishful thinking. Wishful thinking. But you don't have a choice to have sex.

I mean, it is a choice that I feel like not I'm choosing. It's like this like, it's a choice that I feel like not I'm choosing. It's like this, like, it's not gluttonous. It's like this carnal feeling of like, I just want to get off. Guys are easier to do that with. Yeah. That sounds like the definition.

I just don't think you're bi. It's not gluttonous. I'm just so carnival. I think I'm mostly straight. I'm just like criminally horny. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Gluttonous. Exactly.

Because you're not fucking dudes. I'm fucking gay too. Who cares? Call me fucking what we're saying. Exactly. Because you're not fucking dudes. I'm fucking gay too. Who cares? Call me fucking gay. I don't care. But you're not... All right. You hate that more than anything.

You're just a big consumer. You don't fuck men. You fuck women. They just happen to be trans. But I fuck women too. I know. And women. But I don't fuck guys.

I like blowing guys sometimes. You like blowing women. And too. I know. And women. But I don't fuck guys. I like blowing guys sometimes. You like blowing women. And guys. I understand. Yeah. So you like being blown. Yes. So you'll blow.

My favorite. Yeah. Yeah. You like being blown so much. You'll not be blown by anyone. Yeah. You just love a blowjob. If I had woman, trans woman, man, another woman, you would choose

the women to blow you. So you don't fuck guys? Yes. You're just gluttonous, dude. You literally will take anything and unfortunately in our society trans women are the ones who are available. So you've only been blown by guys? No, I've fucked guys. It's not my preference. With poopies?

No, not with poopies. Did any Lincoln Logs come out? Yeah. One did, and he was embarrassed. I was like, hey, brother, shit happens. I think you fucked so many women, too, that you're not grossed out by the body, except for if I have armpit hair. And period.

That is surprising to me, with all your gluttony. I would think that you would be a period sex person. It is weird to be like, armp't we? Isn't that weird? Now, I know I just got back from getting blowed in the park. Yeah. Yeah, I know I just rammed my dick into a man's unclean asshole,

but my God. Shedding a lining. Woo! I should probably go soon. You're going to go upstairs. Oh, yeah, you're going to do therapy upstairs. Please tell him I say that. Well, how's that going to work? Aren't they going to hear you? No.

Okay. There's like a steel door. Okay, cool. Cut to us with a glass to our ears listening. I cry because I'm fat. It would just be funny if I'm like, I just worry that everyone's talking shit about me. It's like, no, they're not.

We're dead. God, we're the worst. See? I think if I walk by the laptop, see Alan, I will start crying just by getting a glimmer of his eyeballs. Yeah, that's not okay. Yeah, you're not allowed to be in therapy with someone else just because you share a therapist. What? That's called.

No, I'm saying if I walked by and just saw Alan on the screen, I would start crying. I walk into his office and I'm like, I know, I'm sure. And he's like, passes the box. It's crazy. Yeah, that's good. I mean, is that good? Yeah, that's good. You're getting stuff out.

It's good. Yeah, but it's not like it's not weird that I don't. Do you never cry? That's weird, too. Yeah, I probably cry too little. You cry too much. You got to be the bisexual. Don't turn this on me.

You got to have some, some a little and then you too much. You gotta be the bisexual crying. You gotta have some a little and then not. You're gluttonous. You're a gobbler. That's the negative connotation of bisexuality. I'm not gluttonous.

I don't actually... Bisexuals are... Everyone shits on bisexuals. I'm obviously joking. Say this shit about trans or gay people and you'll be fucking shouted to the fucking end of the world. I'm joking about the gluttonous thing, but it's funny. You've been shitting on bi people all the time.

I shit on trans people. That's moved out of you guys for telling me I've shit on my dick for five hours. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying I will, but it's not like if other people do. Other people do. I've gotten called a fag for so long for being with trans women and fucking dudes.

I just fucking take it. I'm not. I don't care. I'm just joking about being gluttonous. But it's funny that you're like, fuck you. I'm not gluttonous. I just want to blowjob so badly. I'll take it from anyone to get one.

Yeah, because I'm giving. Let's take it. No, sucking is given. Oh, you're sucking. Yeah, because I'm giving. Let's take it. No, sucking is giving. Oh, you're sucking. Oh, you like blowing. I like both. Oh, okay. But sometimes I'll have a dick in my mouth and I'm like, how did I end up here?

You never feel that way when you're going down on a woman. I love it. And also, I can't make dicks come. I don't know what it is. I get told too much teeth. I mean, come on. Oh, God. I'm not good at sucking dick, but I'll make you come in a minute.

Let's say that you were okay with sucking dick, right? What would happen? You would take one of the DMs that you get, and you'd fuck a woman on the road like that. See, here's the thing. Don't feel like this podcast is why you're down. And I'll be like, okay. And I get DMs from guys all the time.

They're like, fuck me, suck me. And I'm like, bleh, no. Okay. So why on the road are you not going with DMed women? Then why are you going with? Because I don't get a ton of DMs from women. Okay. So your preference is woman.

Yeah. Always. Yeah. So that if the woman doesn't, you'll just, yeah. But sometimes on like a full moon, I turn into a gay little werewolf. Because I think that you're straight, but you're just so horny that you have to take anything.

Which I think is more gluttonous than bisexual. Here's the thing. You might just have a sex addiction. I go for women, but I watch gay porn. And when I watch gay porn, it's easier to live that out with a guy. So that's when I start looking for guys. You probably just have like a sex addiction.

You ever see that movie Shame with Michael Fassbender? No. He's had a sex addiction, but eventually like he can't find a woman that day. Turn your movie thing off, Ebert. He just goes to the gay why can't I be Siskel, huh? What about me

made you say Ebert over Siskel? Because he's a dead one. They're both dead. But... It's news to me. You didn't know Gene Siskel died before Ebert. Can I end on a quick little funny Ebert. Alright, let me end. Can I end? Yeah. Can I end on a quick little funny

Ebert thing? Yeah. Sure. So Ebert lost the lower part of his mouth. Shut up. Shut up. The lower part of his mouth. He had cancer and they gave him a prosthetic mouth and he couldn't speak so they used all the he actually had all the

recordings from all his stuff. They used it to create a voice. So he used that voice for everything in the last couple of years. But it was, you know, it was clearly like from the movie. So people were like, how was your day? And he'd be like, two thumbs up. That's crazy. How's the cancer going?

Riveting? Riveting Five stars A real box office smash This one went on a little too long Please kill me Oh god, it's gone rogue Okay, plug your plugs Oh yeah Please kill me. Oh, God. It's going rogue. Okay. Plug your plugs.

Oh, yeah. So follow me on Instagram, Ron on Comedy, R-A-N-A-N Comedy. If you want to subscribe to my mailing list, go to KentuckyJew.com. Nice. That's right. Ariel could go fuck herself. Well, I can't have my name. No one knows how to spell my name. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Kentucky D is great. And then, you know, watch my specials. It's great. Jokes from the Underground, Downhill Ever Spent, Since, and, you know.

And soon another one to come. Soon another one to come. Thanks for, yeah. This has been Bein' Ian with, can I, oh no.

I guess you all sign off. What are you pointing to not Say Jordan I felt a little presumptuous signing off Bye guys No your plugs When's this come out Okay I have dates coming up

Please come to San Francisco Come to Florida Just please go to Jordanordangensen.com jordangensencomedy.com If you guys buy tickets ahead of time it really helps me out. Thank you. What is this coming out? Me too.

What's coming out next Friday? Ianfinance.com iAnimal69 Instagram and join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. Dude, we, me and her, are going on the road together. We're doing some live shows.

July 21st, New York City, Cutting Room, live B&E with Jordan. Gonna be a fucking blast. I'm so excited. I'm recording a special there the week before. Yes. And that's gonna come out. It's a half hour with gas digital on my YouTube. Subscribe to my fucking YouTube channel.

Subscribe to be any and with Jordan, but then also go to Jordan, Jen's a comedy and subscribe to that. Yes. Coming out on that. Thank you. We love you guys. Bye bye.

Thank you. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore