Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 047: Sho-Ming The Money! W/ James Mattern & Simeon Goodson

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content ! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/SKA Go to https://www.greenchef.com/SKA60 & use code SKA60 to get 60% off plus free shipping from Green Chef  Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/upcoming-shows Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow James Mattern : https://www.instagram.com/thejamesmattern/ Watch James Mattern's The Check Spot : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjrv1P4zcAg Follow Simeon Goodson : https://www.instagram.com/simdelacreme/ Subscribe to Simeon's Patreon ! : https://www.patreon.com/SimeonGoodson   Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live alive. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

With Jordan. Sim's gonna choke to death. Did he sneeze it? No, he died. Is it the cats? No, it was the weed. Oh. Welcome back to another episode of B&E

in with Jordan. Shout out End of Baltimore for the sunglasses and the shirt. Those suck. Those suck. I got you a pair and you didn't wear them. Those suck. Those look like something you would get in freshman year when they have Mike Snow come play

and they hand those out as goodie bags yeah they're cool to support the they're cool and is really badly pmsing right now yeah i am something's going on that we don't know fucking purple lips anyway no i accidentally thanks for tuning into another pod i'm very excited about our guest today james maddern and sim de la crereme, Sim Goodson. What's up, guys? Simeon's a little too high and James Mattern didn't sleep and Ian is on his period. I'm at baseline high. Are you baseline?

This is my standard high. This is not too high at all. It's not too high? Are you sure? Yeah, I'm positive. Yeah, this is early morning high. Let me check your pulse. Early morning high?

Sim, it's fucking 4 p.m. This is, I mean, this is crazy early for me. Let me check your pulse. Early morning high. Sam, it's fucking 4 p.m. This is I mean, this is crazy early for me. What? To be outside. Really? That's crazy. I would like go to the gym at this time, but not like outside stuff. Should we go to the gym in here?

You want to do pushups? I've been doing pushups. Really? Yeah. I went to the gym in a hotel for the first time in forever and it felt really good. And then I had such fun on the road I shot a short film, amazing fun, came back to the city

and I just felt so fucking empty yeah, you crashed from all the high yeah you're a little bipolar bear, are you on your meds? I forgot to take them I knew it did you take them today? so you dipped in serotonin and you crashed from the road.

You know what you should do? I couldn't get out of bed. You should do what I do. Before you leave, you clean so that when you come back, when the dip happens, you walk in and you have a little pleasant surprise. I haven't cleaned. I just bailed on the Luke Tuma podcast to clean my whole room and I'll come home tonight and I'll be like, oh.

I did it and I couldn't clean because I did it for us. You could have just said, no, we can't make it. I don't know why you feel beholden to that man. Because I kept having said no so many times. So? So I said yes. What's one's more? Tina Fey said, just say yes. I don't think that's what she said. James,

you're here. Hi, buddy. What do you want me to talk about, Tina Fey? I'm a fucking expert. She has 16 fucking cats Speaking of 16 Your girlfriend's Shit Yes my girlfriend's 27 I know it's just horrible

No one's ever No one's ever dated young Nothing it's never worked out Stop I'm 32 I'm 10 years older than I'll tell you next time you meet her. I'm 32. I'm 10 years older than that woman. But you look like you're pushing for 40. 32 is 10 years.

What is that? Who does that help? What's that for? Made me feel better. Nobody thinks it's funny. Nobody thinks it's funny. Glack, glack, glack. No.

Lizzie, I hate you. I really do. Good. This is fun. What else is up, guys? You want to break down age? What are we going to do? Why are you calling him out for his high school girlfriend?

Yeah, thank you, sweetheart. With everything I heard you talking about for 10 minutes up there, you're going to fuck with me? Oh, James, no. Upstairs is the secret place. Down here is where we just talk normal. You don't share upstairs secrets. What are you going to do?

You're going to have sex with a transvestite today? What? No. That's what you said. Are you within eight months of fucking age, or is she going to write? You're going to have sex with a transvestite today? No. What? No. That's what you said. Within eight months of fucking age, is she going to write a goddamn petition about it? You're going to pop a Viagra and take it? No, we're having a real hot porn star on Bye Guys today.

Porn star? Yeah, she's a porn star. Can I tell you something funny? What? So I was on stage and this woman yelled out, this woman yelled out, look up. She goes, you would like hermaphrodite porn. So then I Googled it on stage and I was like, oh, my God, this guy's got a dick and balls and a tiny vagina.

Oh, that's a butthole. I thought the butthole was a vagina. Oh, well, for gay men it is. Anyway. Weird. No. Have you seen her Maphrodite porn? I have.

Really? I think. Queer. Do they have balls? I think. Really? I think. Queer. Do they have balls? I think it's such a great thing to lie to. That way you don't piss off everybody. You still got street cred. Isn't that just like what they used

to call transgender porn though? No. No. Hermaphrodite. A hermaphrodite has penis and vagina. Both. Oh, then no. Yeah. It's like 0.09% of the population. That's not a thing. Well, it is a thing.

Is that a thing? That was a Greek. That was a Greek god. Hold on. Hold on. That's aphrodite, not hermaphrodite. Now, say that's not a thing. Again, say.

That's not a thing. Yeah, you're right. It's two things. Hey. But no, that was like a Greek. I saw that statue in the loo. Yeah, Regis. Yeah, there's like a hermaphrodite statue.

Hermaphrodite. The Greek goddess of two. Of both. Is it hermaphrodite? No. It's Regis. Is there a hermaphrodite? It's Rebus.

Rebus. Rebus. I think it's Rebus. The only reason I remember that statue is because it's laying down. And from the front, it looks like a woman. Stop getting hard. But if you go behind the statue, there's like a dick and balls. Where'd you see it?

At the Louvre. In heaven. You went there? Yeah. Even though Sim talks like Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock, he's very well traveled. I know. Why are you talking like that? The Louvre. That's how I talk.

Yeah. Why did you go to the Paris? The Paris? Yes, the Paris. It was a family vacation. That's cool. I was still married at the time. We still did things like that.

Oh, I forgot you were married. Yeah, was your wife age appropriate before Jordan gets fucking... Look at you. The older I get, the more angry I will get at the youth. And if you cannot accept that, you know what? But you're not even that far off. You're like five years older than her. You're within five years.

Right. You missed her in high school by a year. She got left back, so she saw it. Oh, then you would have been there, great, when you got left back. I'm just teasing. Your comment really pissed off this trombone player from the Mighty Mighty Boston. Really gonna go at me fucking, no, you have no real

flesh. It's just all ink, you son of a bitch. Your balls are hanging the fuck out. I look like a melted crayon. I come in here. Can I say this for the peoples? I used to melt crayons and make one big crayon. That's why we get along. Oh, we have a new Patreon tier.

Yeah, yeah, announce that. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. When we hit, I'm out of money. I don't know what it is. We're going horseback riding. It's my choice. We're doing it. We're going. We're filming it. Who was it that said they would help us? We were together. Ethan? Who was it that said

they would help us? It was a woman. Let's do at 1,300 patrons. That's the goal. We'll go horseback riding. You're the one who talked to them. I don't remember. Remember a woman said, I'll help you. I know people upstate. i don't remember a woman said i'll help you i know people upstate who it was a woman we were podcasting since it's what you want to do and i would love

to do it christine with jay why don't you be in charge of finding the horseback rider that'll be fun but i can't remember and i needed you to remember where we were remember we were talking about it i think it was in the sam i think it was in the lady norton i really don't remember so i think we were with big j and bobby you know when i was little beavis and butthead used to come on yeah and my parents would be like you can't watch this it's the degradation of society and i was like ma real people will never turn out like beavis and butthead and now i'm on this podcast and we have two real people and i'm like mom you were right i'd like to say i'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone who told me that mtv would affect us now wait you said when you were a child how old

are you i'm 42 really what did you think we were were a child. How old are you? I'm 42. Really? What did you think we were having him on as a kid? You think he's a little kid? Wait a minute. You said when you were a child. You're not a little baby over there? You're not a little tiny baby?

I didn't know you. You're like four years older than me. Right. But I feel like you're so much older than me. I've done a lot of living. Why do you feel that way? Because he's tall. No, because you look like such like a man.

You look like a man. Thank you. You look like an old man. Well, not at this moment. At this moment, no. But generally speaking, yeah. I need finger for my bunghole. Do you need my bunghole?

Sim and I did a gig one time. And do you remember it was a Long Island bowling alley with you, me, and Sergio Chacon? Sergio? I'll play Sergio. There was a guy at the bowling alley, the bowling alley who went up to me and Sergio and was like, I work for 30 rock. I know the heads at SNL. I can get you in there. Take my card. Call me. You guys belong on television. I'll hook it up. Don't worry. And me and Sergio are like, oh, my God, thanks so much.

And then we left, looked at his business card, and he was a window washer at 30 Rock. That's great. That is spectacular. Isn't that amazing? He'll do that all the fucking time. Did you reach out? No.

Oh, see? He had to get his windows cleaned. Window washers are awesome. I'd love to be a window washer. No, I'd be so scared. I would jump to my death. You would jump to your death. Let's get this bitch window washing.

Where's that card? You're going to laugh when I kill myself. You're going to laugh. Stop. That's not what I mean. I'm going to laugh when I... Fuck. Is that possible?

Yes. Yeah. You're going to laugh when you die? Haven't you ever watched movies where people kill themselves and you're like, I am one of those people. You are so right. It's also realistic. Yeah. What movie? Just like even like Robin Williams. That's not

a movie. That's real life. But it's documentary. Or like, you know, just when you see somebody die, you're like, I'm not going to be on my deathbed being like, it's definitely going to be an aggressive belt around my neck. What are these movies? I don't really watch films.

I only watch hermaphrodite porn because it exists. It's called a callback, bitches. What do you know about it? No sleep. I'm the fucking best this business has. Why didn't you sleep? What were you thinking about last night? He was teaching his girlfriend her ABCs. Yeah, we were doing a painting hour. about last night. He was teaching his girlfriend her ABCs.

Yeah, we were doing a painting hour. Oh, that's ripe. I slept for like an hour and a half, and then I went for a goddamn run. Painting hour? Sex? No, he was finger painting with this girl. I was trying to make a picture of Ian's fucking rendezvous tonight. I had a ding ding and a dong dong.

I'm going to bring a Bluetooth to the podcast just in case something happens. Why wouldn't you? That's so offensive. What's offensive? If I was a porn star and some idiot Light 97 FM guy showed up

and popped a blue chew and was just hard being like, just in case, I'd be like, fuck you. I'm not going to pop it and do the pot. I'm going to hold it in my pocket in case something happens afterwards. Money, money, money, money, money. I'm going to snort it in front of her. That'd be more fun if you just, before you get on the mic, you just go, hey, how are you? I'm Ian.

I'm one of those. And then you just throw it. You make it known that it's a Bluetooth. And then you just go all rock star. What if you just pop Bluetooth? That's your drug. What if you just pop blue chews? That's your drug. What if there was a noise that went off anytime somebody

popped it? I want to support all the wrestling podcasts. I just fucking pop blue chews. What if I went upstairs right now and took a blue chew and came back down and set a timer? I've never taken one. I've had sex with a blue chew dick. I take them a lot. I can't use this person.

They're great. Every comedian ever? No. Well, I hope not. Do they really? Are they just popping these like jujubes? Yeah, they're great. I'm all natural. I couldn't get my blue chew pack open. Who? It makes your dick feel stronger. It feels like fucking this. Does that feel good? Yeah. No, it doesn't

feel human. Then you haven't had one inside you. What do you think? I was just looking at it, flicking it, using it to hammer in a nail? Fuck you, dude. I had sex in a car the other day. I didn't mean to say it. No, no, no. Was that with?

No, no, no. What did I do? No. Yes. Wait, which one? Yes. Yes. What the hell's going on here?

I think Jordan had sex in a car. Oh, good call. The guy over the weekend? You're an idiot. Did you have fun? You guys are just like two sluts. That's pretty cool. You're a slut. You're a slut.

You had sex with that guy? Yes. The one you were like, it was magical, but it was just friendship. Is this romantic at all? Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. We're going live. Like OnlyFans? This is a public episode.

Oh, my toothpick from last week. Speaking of pub. Oh, God. What's wrong with you guys? We have an announcement. Can we make an announcement? Guys, is it okay? Can we make an announcement?

Me and Sim are seceding from this podcast. We're starting our own podcast. We're starting our own Patreon. It's called Sim and James. How come people are always in private calls? We just have sex with who you want consensually. We don't care about it.

As long as it's great. Who are you going to tase? You. Is that why we get weapons? For usurping us. We're going to start our own thing. We can't coexist. Usurping. You want to try it again? Osama Sidi. Why did Osama shave his head?

I didn't see it. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? How many Dakotas are there? Two. Yeah. North and South. There it is.

Why can't there be two of us? There are one and two. There are one and two. Yeah. We're succeeding. What's the name of this? Do you know that North and South Dakota are part of the United States? Yeah. What do you think they were? You're not succeeding. No, we. Yeah. What's the name of this? Do you know that North and South Dakota are part of the United States? Yeah. What'd you think they were? You're not

seceding. No, but we're gonna they were one Dakota. They became two Dakotas. Yeah, so we're starting not being Eden with Simeon and James. Where's the taser?

We get a bet? You son of a... Have you actually done it? No, this is just a cat. It's a working title. Where's the taser? We get a bet. This ain't... You son of a... Have you actually done it? No, this is just a cat. Yeah, I figured so. What if I'm half cat? So how's this going, right? This one...

Oh, my God. What the fuck are you doing? You got a bet. What is this shit? I'm on eight seconds of goddamn sleep in this fucking... It was in a goddamn taser getting banged in a fucking carburetor.

Get him, get him, get him. That was amazing. What kind of car was it? Yeah, what was it? Geo? Back of a Volkswagen? Subaru? You look like someone slapped Jell-O.

I definitely picked a good seat. You picked the best seat. Whee! I mean, it was suspicious when there's like weapons lying everywhere. There's like a COVID fucking test here. This is the wildest setup. A COVID tester? This is a pregnancy test.

Is it? Yeah, because she's getting cummed in in a fucking Prius. You don't use protection? We don't have access to this. I'm going to watch that so many times over and over. There was also a car crash right before we walked in. Oh, no, that's the podcast. Right.

That was not an omen in and of itself. People died shortly before we started recording. What happened up the street? There was a car crash up the street? We heard it. Yeah, some dude hit the street? There was a car crash up the street? We heard it Yeah, some dude hit the pole and that was it You know, during COVID Like around Christmas time

The Hasidic Jews are crazy No, Jordan, no That was not Hasidics Hasidics are south from here Those were Puerto Ricans Or Hasidics from New York City Jesus Christ. Jordan.

Jordan. Clearly the homeless. Right. Obviously. Oh, dude. December 2020. What happened? There was a car accident right in front of my apartment, right?

This drunk guy was evading the police, turned the corner, slammed into another car, got out, shot at the police, ran ran left the clips in the street disappeared in the night and uh that was and they were acidic juice that's cool to see yeah yeah yeah he pulled a clip out of his payas yeah let's go jordan you are a fascinating human being You are a 95 year old Italian uncle This is insanity

I'm surprised you're not in a Partner beater shirt right now Partner beater? It's a wife beater? Yeah, that would be politically correct I saw Jordan fall apart the other day Because she had access to a giant cake. What happened? Oh, that cake.

She was looking for the next cake. Spill the tea, sis! Oh, it was just like a giant sheet cake. Can I just say something that's crazy? It didn't say anything. It was just like a blank, giant sheet cake. I'm going to say three things. And I was coming up the steps and she was like, who is it? She lost her mind.

The next day, I kept looking for it. They would keep a fucking cake outside on a, like, like just not frozen, not in a refrigerator, on a chair in the lobby. I've had two dreams about that cake. Two dreams. I'm joking. But she wasn't. I thought she was like messing around.

Like, don't touch the cake. She's pulling her hair over it. I'll cut you. First of all, I have no recollection of seeing Simeon. That's how blacked out I was by this cake. Second of all, I've had two dreams about this cake since then. Three, I want to explain myself. The cake was the size of this couch.

It had no name on it. Where was this? It was at the cellar. I'm not lying. And ready for this? What is the one thing you would need to give you an okay on eating a cake? Permission. Someone to tell you. A name on it. Only one

piece missing. And there was only one piece missing. I went downstairs. I said, Caitlin, I'm not eating sugar. I really need you to stop me from eating the sheet cake that is of sheet cake of my dreams upstairs. It's my favorite type. Yellow with white frosting with chocolate on the inside. She then said, let's go up and look at it.

We then looked at it until we both had our fists in it and we're shoveling it in. I don't remember seeing you. I don't remember seeing you, but I do. I was the one telling you to eat it because Liz was telling me to eat it. So I was telling people to eat it. It was one of the best cakes I've ever eaten in my life. And then the next day I show up. Who was it for?

No idea. It was brought by not the Mel we know who works at the cellar at the VU. The other Mel. Other Mel? Who Liz was referring to as not fat Mel. Yeah, who's skinny Mel? So I don't know. I don't like to call Mel fat Mel.

But he is fat. But I'm like, Liz, I don't want to call him fat Mel. And she would go, he can't move his neck. He's fat Mel. Wow. So there it was. He's great Mel. I love that.

Which one's Mel? Mel Fat Mel. Tell me. VU? Fat? The door guy. Oh. I love him. So was it his cake? No another Mel brought it. Who's Mel? He's another There's no other Mel. Can I say something? He's another Mel. Imagine a sheet cake

only really expensive. Oh the old Mel that doesn't work there anymore. Old Mel who doesn't work there. It was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. All the time. It was him. It was. I don't know. I don't know.

I can't think about it. Jordan. This is the blackest. Who's on first? I've ever been. The middle of the cake. What's the name of that male? The nigga male.

Fat nigga male. Any nigga male. Which male? All these niggas. Ain't nigga named Mel. I'm just sitting here going, the cake. The cake. The cake was big.

That nigga was named Mel, too. The cake Mel? Cake Mel. Cake Mel. It had no name on it. It didn't say happy birthday. It didn't say Mel on it? And then I walked up to it and it said, eat it. Mel.

Mel. That would have been hilarious if it was just a trap for you. If someone just set out a poison cake and you just ate it. You didn't ask anything. You attacked everyone else. Actually, not kidding. It was this couch, full-sized. Right.

It was like the size of a pig. It was huge. It was like this. It was huge. On a weeknight to deliver it. It's huge. There's not enough bodies there to actually do it. Right.

And I only had a tiny sliver, but I looked at it for a long time. You only had a, oh. You saw that sliver. I don't know if it was tiny. Yeah. It was tiny. I don't know if I'd call it a sliver. But then I ate all of Caitlin's frosting off hers. Like if you divided it into equal squares.

It was this big, Simeon! It was this big. You don't live in reality. Yeah, because you didn't even remember seeing me there how can you know how big the slice was did you take some cake and eat it you do if you have look how you had like no guard up you're just like protecting the cake it was awful like so if anyone wanted to abduct you they could just like tie a cake to a car and you'll just follow the car. Then they'd see you eat the cake and they'd be like, never mind. Here's the thing.

Yeah, it's cake. Cake's the big one. Are you kidding me? What are we doing? Cheesecake? Fuck yourself. Ice cream cake? Go fuck yourself. Ice cream cake is amazing. Let's go, dude. Shitty bodega. Ice cream cake has a lot of heart.

It does. Ice cream cake sucks. You like ice cream cake? Yes. I love it. What does it matter with you? Really? Delicious.

Isn't your birthday in winter? December. That doesn't make any sense. That means you can leave it on the table and it stays cold. Yeah. Best cake. Truly, my favorite type of cake is that cake besides carrot cake. Carrot cake is my favorite.

No, it's mine. I love carrot cake. Really? Yeah. It's's mine yeah yeah sorry sorry oh it's fine you guys be bunnies that's cool it's crazy because you guys are just like wild sober like you don't do any drugs yes we do yeah coffee and cigarettes for me. Right. And pussy. He's on like a... You're on like a... Not even SSRI and an antipsychotic. I'm on SSRIs. What?

Wait, my hair's wet. What's that mean? Do you not want to be here? What are you talking about? He's really tired. He was banging his... Why don't you leave that if you don't want to be here? Mr. Huff and Puff. I'm watching this fucking nonsense. It's like a real life Royal Rumble going on between you guys.

Oh yeah, brother. And you're yelling at me, giving me the business. I've been spectacular on this goddamn show. You threatened him with a weapon. Yeah. This is my lawyer. Who's the lawyer? My lawyer, Goodyin and Goodyin.

Who are you pointing to? Him. What? No, you were pointing to the camera. Whatever. Look, guys. It's such a treat to be here. I love you guys.

I hope I never sleep again. What? What? I hit my head and I hit the mic on my tooth. Nothing was behind you. What did you hit? On what? I went like that.

Your teeth are going to... Listen, here's what you're going to do with the cigarettes. Here's the thing. What's the thing? This fucking chick. Me? No, not you. This... I said chick.

Am I a chick? You're looking at me with these goddamn Tom Cruise glasses. Thank you, risky business. Outside the cellar. Great. Saw me do a set. Come on. We're friends again.

Hit it off. Flirt, flirt, flirt. Hung out. Talks about sex, sex, sex. Exchange numbers. Oh, this is a lie. Did I see her that night? I go, hey, do you have Instagram? She goes, no. I go, well, I guess

I'm going to have to get your number instead. Oh, I was there for that. The blonde girl. Yeah. Hot. Very good looking. Was leaving in eight hours for Canada. Yes. Yes. We sexted all night. The next day, I'm screaming. The next day Can you stop screaming?

The next day I'm gonna come to New York This and that When you say sex Are you switching nudes Back and forth? Yes Thank you Sim Thank you Sim

Boobies Boobies penis Boobies penis I'm gonna suck your titties I'm gonna poop on your penis Boobies boobies boobies I'm gonna poop on your penis So anyway

Anyway The whole thing was like I'm gonna come to New York Blah blah And then I go, fuck it. I'll get you a ticket. And then when I made the fantasy a reality, she started to back off. And now I got ghosted.

And I'm like, you fucking. Or she thought you were going to send her money for the ticket. No. Or she thought you were going to send her money for the ticket. No. And then you said, I have miles. Can you warm that up? No, I didn't say I have miles.

I kept that to myself. But I was going to make her think I bought the ticket, but I was going to use miles. Oh, you know what it is? Can I tell you what she was feeling? Do you want to know? Because I'm a woman. I'm a woman.

No, it's not the fantasy. Can I tell you what it is? It's this. It's you're going to pay $800 to ship me there. If I don't perform sexually, I'm going to owe you. I'm going to feel bad and it's going to be scary. If you want her to come, what you need to say is, hey, I just and it's going to be scary. If you want her to come

what you need to say is hey I just realized it's probably really weird to like be shipped somewhere for money and I just want you to know if you come here we don't have any sex and we just watch movies I'm just as happy to do that. I'll be using SkyMiles. It's no skin off my back. Seems like a really smart move Jordan.

I know it sounds condescending but it is not. I think you respect that. This is the most interaction Jordan and I have ever had. I hold this man every time I'm at the cellar and nobody else. Am I the only host you hug? I sniff you? Except for Artie because he's a child molester. You hug me?

You're my best friend. That's insane. Yeah, don't buy women tickets to see you. Are you crazy? Don't do that. I've never done that before. I was like, this is hot. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, don't buy women tickets to see you. Are you crazy? Don't do that. I've never done that before. I was like, this is hot. Yeah, that's dumb.

And then I kind of flubbed it because I was like, it'd be hot if you wore a toy on the way to see me. Oh, okay. You made it creepy. Ew, come on. What? No. That's hot.

That's hot. This is why you're never going to find a normal lady. That's another time I told this girl I was going to buy her leather, and then she kind of ghosted me on that. But then we wore the leather on the podcast, and it was fun. If anything, you should fly yourself to see a woman. I'm going to play Toronto in August. No, I know comedians.

She'll see me one way or another. Yeah, I know, but you shouldn't do that. It's weird. That was a joke. What if you want to get rid of her? What? Nothing. Yes.

Eastern. Oh, she did say it would cost this for a flight and a hotel. I go, well, you could say Chateau des Fidance. It's creepier and creepier. I've never really done this before. What's your thoughts on podcast studios? She literally said it would cost me

this much to get there. I got a cool wood panel basement you'd love full of cameras. Oh my God, I have an idea. Maybe I should have said you could say Chateau des Oh my god, I have an idea. Maybe I should have said you could say Chateau de Fide. Listen to me, I have an idea. Congrats. Jordan, I can't wait to hear

your idea because I think you're really betting a thousand. What are you doing, not this weekend, but the following weekend? Nothing. What? Is that true? Yeah. Are we in New York? Yeah. I'm in Toronto. Come with me. Show up. Yeah, that's not even more creepy. I'm in Toronto. Come with me. Show up.

Yeah, that's not even more creepy. I think that's a little weirder. I'll bring a sign. Feature for me. What's the sign going to say? I'll bring a sign. Feature for me because Jake can't come. I'll bring a sign.

Feature for me because Jake can't come. Hey, also, also. Do you beatbox when I'm not here? Dude, she's only doing it because you're black. God damn it. You're black? I thought he was a little Chinese man. I am a little Chinese.

You are half, aren't you? I'm not half. Can I tell you why I'm beatboxing? It's because the way he's screaming is in a rhythm today. Okay. Have you noticed that? No, he's very rhythmic. He also DJs.

He's a very talented young man. Oh, this one. You DJ? Of course you do. You're black. Wait, hold on. No, I don't think. He's a DJ. I don't do. You're black. Wait, hold on. No, I don't think I don't think I'll do that. We're going to

Incendiary Saturday. I'm not. Why? Because I'm at Cypress State, Florida. Oh, Florida, yeah. Okay, okay. I can't believe you're black. What? What are you talking about? It's the first I'm hearing of it.

Are you? I mean, you'll never know. Listen, come with me to Toronto. I'm not. Why? Because I can't just show up to Toronto and be like, remember how you wouldn't come see me? I'm here to see you. What? Jordan, how about this? What if I go as proxy and I talk to the girl, go, hey,

Ian just wanted me to come out here and straighten things out and see where you stand. Be my consigliere. Yeah, I'm the consigliere. I'm still beyond. Come see me and I'll vouch for your normal dude. It's even less people. And then the next day I'm Sylvia Come see me And I'll vouch for your normal dude It's even less And then the next day I'll show up Hey And I'll knock on the door I'll be like

Ian's Mr. Ian's Waiting for his response Mr. Ian Mr. Ian Mr. Ian You know I'm black So funny

Also I'm black I just want you to be aware You know I'm black I'm black Me goma Whoa What was that? Michael Jackson. What was Megoma?

That's a noise he makes. It was you were integrating the Chinese. No, doesn't he make noises like that? Chinese. Really? Don't ever disrespect me like that again. I'm so sorry. Oh, you.

Do you think the Chinese are above the Japanese? Absolutely. Really? Yeah, because he's Chinese. And if he was Japanese, he'd say Japanese is better than Chinese. I mean, that's objectively untrue. So if I was Japanese, I would probably still concede that China

number one. Wow. So even if you were Japanese? What's it feel like to be a part of the CCP, you piece of shit? I mean, we'll find out in a couple years, won't we? Oh my God. All these years I didn't realize you were part Chinese and you could be doing

like Iron Sheik gimmick. China, number one. America. Hey, quit impersonating Jocelyn Chia. You guys, Jocelyn Chia is going to land. Jocelyn Chia. You guys, Jocelyn Chia is a run. Jocelyn Chia.

Dude, what is happening with her is the most insane thing. It's fucking crazy. Is she okay? Where is she? We have to back her up. We gotta fucking back her up. But they called Interpol. That's fucking crazy.

Who called Interpol? She's on the website. This is a prime example of free speech of like, I don't have to agree with what you say, but I support your right to say it because I don't like the joke. No, we agree with what you say. That joke never lands.

Oh, man. Just like the Malaysian flight. Why is she, why are they doing this to her? I don't know, but we got her back. Free Jocelyn. It went viral. It went online. I've been getting a lot of

calls in for the podcast that you bellow. You've been getting what? A lot of birds in my ear saying, I love your podcast, but Ian bellows throughout it the whole time. Bellows? What does that mean? Like this. I'm not going to do it.

Yeah, well, wait till you hear the shit people say to me and I just... Is it bad? Yeah. Is it bad? What do you think? It's a fucking walk in the park with you the whole time? You don't even want to know. She's depressed. She's going to kill herself. No, she looks like fucking Liam Gallagher from Oasis in 98. Anyway, that's a really specific one. Do I look like Liam Gallagher from Oasis? I think you look like the bass player.

You know what people say a lot? That I look like the cartoons from Rick and Morty. You look like Summer a from Rick and Morty. You look like Summer a little bit. Yeah, I can see that. Where do we get started on what people tell me? And I say, you look like a young Leonard Cohen.

I don't know who any of these people are. Leonard Cohen never looked young. He looks nothing like him. You. Me? You too, Chaloon. What? Yeah. Me? You, Choo Chaloon. What? Yeah. Who do I look like, Sim?

I don't know. You look like a sleepy bear. Oh, my God. That doesn't sound good. I don't know. What? You can't say that to a black guy. You look like a sleepy bear.

I didn't say a black bear. Everybody says I look like a sleepy bear. You said a sleepy... What's wrong with a sleepy bear? Like a teddy bear, you fucking racist. Wait, I wasn't thinking teddy bear. I thought like, you know, like... No, you look like a cuddly sleepy bear. Oh, definitely a teddy bear you fucking racist wait i wasn't thinking teddy bear i felt like you know like no you look like a cuddly sleepy bear definitely a teddy bear so yeah what were you thinking i was like a grizzly bear yeah he's more offended about

teddy than the black bear you look like a sleepy teddy bear ah it's me baby maybe a baby maybe a baby lion not even a grown lion. Weed bear. Here's the question. What were we talking about before all this? Jordan, that's a real carahaja manu. Wait, did we start the podcast? You come to Toronto.

I thought this was sound check. I'm sorry. I didn't know we started. I would have taken it more seriously. I'm so sorry, guys. I thought we were warming up. Getting ready to start. Okay. Hey, let's do it another time.

I'll pencil you in. All right. All right. Well, let's take it serious now. Sorry about that. Okay. All right. It's summer.

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On July 26 Where? Caveat Caveat Caveat Caveat Caveat Yeah

Yeah yeah Not caveat So I'm doing a 6.30 and a 9pm First one we're gonna do sober Just regularized material Second one We're gonna get fucked up

Oh word No one's ever done that before How fucked up? I don't's ever done that before How fucked up I don't know Like cooked Like LSD maybe Yes Like hallucinogens

Yes Go big Go on heroin Yeah Heroin's too much Do fentanyl Do coke Coke is like

Too speedy for stand up Have you ever done Stand up on coke Oh dude one time Like you just go too fast One time I wanted to be Like Dennis Leary, so I did a bunch of coke, and I ended up fucking

kicking the chair off the stage, throwing my jacket. People thought it was a performance piece. Right. And then I got banned from the venue, and I was like, no, no, it was all me. I'm on coke. Whoopsies. Yeah, I don't like cocaine sets. I don't like cocaine at all. I used to do it a lot, but now I hate it. Yeah, I don't really cocaine since. I don't like cocaine at all. I used to do it a lot, but now I hate it.

Yeah, it sucks. It's bad. The dips are really bad. The coolest part about cocaine is just having it and being like, yeah, let's do coke, and then you do it, and it's nothing cool about it. The second you do it, the whole hang becomes about the coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to look forward to it, and then when you do it, you're like, ah. Oh, that's so true. Having the bag, waiting for later. Oh, what do we do? And we're going to go Poland? Hello. It fills that hole in the heart that you had when everyone in your family died. Yes. And the second you do it, it's over. And they're all back.

It's like father shows up for one sniff and then he goes away again. You got to get father back. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Oh, I hate it. It makes me be friends with people I despise. And the next time I see them. My old Coke dealer, I had to listen to his open mic bits all the time. But then he got me a job so I could keep making money to buy more Coke.

God bless. Thank you, Keith. So yeah, second show, high on drugs, drunk. Drunk. What if you have to mix the jokes? I probably will have to do that. I have other comedians coming up. Are you gonna intertwit?

Oh, you know what would be fun? Seeing the first joke sober and then seeing immediately the second joke fucked up, like interstitial. Interstitial? Is that what you just said? Interstitial? Interstitial.

Do you know what that means? Interstitial? Yeah. Look it up. What's it mean? Interstitial is not a word. Tell me, Liam. Yeah, it is.

It is a word. Interstitial? Interstitched? Interstitial is a word. Tell me, Liam. So what's going to happen? If you get proven right, you're going to tell her don't look back in anger? Yeah. There's an Oasis reference.

Which one is Oasis? It's not. Wonderwall. Today's going to be the day that I am right and you're wrong. Spell it. Champagne supernova? I don't know that one. Moron. What does it mean?

Wow. Yeah. Don't ever fucking doubt me again, Noel. Now she's Noel? What is Noel? He's another member of the other calendar. All the members? Okay, so how are you planning on mixing the interstitials? He's another member of the Weeaboo calendar. He just names all the members. How do you know all of them?

Okay, so how are you planning on mixing the interstitial? What? I just wanted to use that sentence. Something you do after it's done. How are you going to interstitial it? Hold on, James wants to interject. Go ahead, James. What do you mean?

How is anybody... So you're going to be like, this is the bit, and then halfway through it's going to be you faded with an eye popping out. How are you going to do it before Ian was here? What were you going to do? I was going to film it and then I gave him the idea.

Now I'm getting a writing credit. Right. Yeah. But you can't. Which one were you going to put on the Internet? True. Hold on.

James has. I don't know. Let's hear your two cents, James. I haven't filmed it yet. You and I love is that um eight seconds ago you were like look at that fuck you burp i hate this uh my hair smells you're a cocksucker fuck off and then on a dime you turn to sim and ask him intricate questions about it yeah look it up it up. Like you're Charlie Rose before the cancellation.

It's unbelievable. Tell me about how your mixing style shall be. Tell me about the intricacies. I can attain multiple personalities. See, she and I are great because we're like an onion. We're like an onion. You peel down the layers

and when you get down to the bottom it makes you want to cry. Over on the Patreon for being Sim with James. You guys can see more content like this. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Bob. Join. Put that gay hand into a man

hand. Fix that. Join. There you go. Very good. You just pointed like an 80s wrestler. I'm going to make you into a straight man by Fix that. Join. There you go. Very good. You just pointed like an 80s wrestler. I will make you into a straight man by the end of this. That'll be a Patreon tier. Yes, make Ian straight. Make Ian straight.

Scared straight. Patreon.com. Look, I can't even do it. My hand doesn't even go. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. At $1,300. This is how we touch our butthole. We will.

This is how we touch the butthole. At $1,300, she's bleaching her asshole. At $1,400, we we're gonna ride horses at 1500 I'll shave my mustache at 2000 we're gonna have sex at 2000 patrons we're gonna have sex and then podcast in bed afterwards

we didn't say 2000 how many do we have right now right like a almost 1200 that's gonna take forever yeah and join us on Patreon. Right. Like almost 1,200. 10,000. That's going to take forever. Yeah. Oh.

What the fuck is going on? How many are you at now? Like almost 2,000. Almost 200. 1,200. Put your balls away. But I thought this was a man. I'm being a man.

You want him to be more manly He can't have your shit cake and eat it too Hold on you gotta make up your mind You want me to be a man Right do that shit Hell yeah Ian you're a fun kid Thanks

You're just like ice cream cake You got a lot of heart A lot of heart And you're cold Full of shit Poop I'm so cold Your hand is freezing on my leg

I feel like you're dead Like your lips are purple You're just like a zombie I took a cold shower and went for a cold run And then I motorcycled and I haven't really heated back up I feel like you're dead. Your lips are purple. You're just like a zombie. I took a cold shower and went for a cold run and then I motorcycled and I haven't really heated back up. Your hand is so cold. She looks like Uma Thurman before she gets the adrenaline shot of Pulp Fiction.

A felt magic marker. A goddamn pen. Some kind of magic marker. Some kind of black magic. You just don't exist outdoors. I know. You look like't exist outdoors. I know. You look like you're dead. I always look like I'm dead.

Sometimes I wonder if I did. Living dead girl. I got bed bugs and had all these itches all over me. I was just scabbing everywhere and I thought I had died. It was really scary. I don't have AIDS, but she acts like she does. You had bed bugs? I've had them years ago with Michael Vecchione.

Oh. I mean, he tells those jokes. I'm in the pod in Italians. Yeah. I never got them, apparently. Are you Italian? Yeah. Matter.

Yeah, that's German. Yeah, it's German. What's your mom's maiden name? Matter. Googly-a-jeek-ee. Yeah, googly-a-jeek-ee is the worst sounding fucking word. What is he, Italian? If you're going to add an Italian name, that's the worst. You're a googly a geekly.

All right? All right? We don't act like that. We're googly a geekly. What's your mom's maiden name? Fang. Chang. Actually.

It's actually Chang. Simeon Fang. Say it again. Googly a geekly. I can't say it. I'm not Italian That sounds like something they yelled at someone In Do The Right Thing

When they had those rants What's your middle name? Lewis But you know my real name is not Jamie Lewis Madden What is it? It's Norris Brent Fleming II Shut the fuck's Norris Brent Fleming II. Nuh-uh. Swear to God.

Shut the fuck up. Norris? It's Norris Brent Fleming. Fleming. The dose. And that's not the name you use. No, I didn't know it was my name until I was like 20 or 21. Who did that?

Norris Fleming. My mom had a boyfriend. You don't see color, but he was a black guy. Creole. His name was Norris Brent Fleming. My mom had a boyfriend. You don't see color, but he was a black guy. Creole. His name was North. He was Creole? Yeah. Would you call you North?

I never met him. Nope. I never met him. He apparently was. Did he make you in a pot of gumbo? Uh-oh. Nope. Uh-oh.

Who's the jumbla? Yeah. He was. I don't know if I'm allowed to do this. I haven't got confirmation. It was probably my mom's pimp. We'll black you out. What's happening right now?

Who pimped out your mom? My mom was a prostitute. Are you Richard Pryor? Are you serious? You ever know the difference between... It's the truth. I've discussed this. Norris Fleming.

Look at me norris your mother was a prostitute yeah how do you know okay because uh so years ago uh when she was alive my stepdad keith was alive uh we watched wcw pay-per-views sim was a fan of wrestling and um for some reason so i have a cousin who's uh uh on drugs drugs and was on the streets selling ass. And we were bitching. They were bitching about it. And for some reason, as we're watching this pay-per-view, my stepdad running a rant on her is like, that piece of shit just blowing everyone, taking money. When your mom did it, she was classy, high end.

My mom froze. No one talked for a minute. And then goes, he didn't know that I did that. And then he and no one one talked for a minute and then goes he didn't know that i did that and then he and no one talked again for a minute and it's like man i hope piper beats hogan's ass tonight i like we just went back to watching halloween havoc all right wait but then how did you get a different name so my grandparents took custody of me like a month after i haven't looked at my birth certificate in a minute so it it's like 30-something days. And so it's Norris Brent Fleming

II, a.k.a. Jamie Lewis Madden. Wait, they took custody of you 30 days after you were born? My grandpa is from the Mezos, the Mezzolini's. I'm barely Italian, but in that house, it was Italian. I'm more German

than my dad. I mean, it could be anyone, but the speculation is he's either Mexican or Jewish. My mom did go to Mexico, came back with a bump and a Mexican dude. So there was that speculation. I saw a picture on the day of my mom's funeral of the Mexican dude. My aunt showed it to me.

I pray to God that somebody, he looked like a, like a racial draw. He looked like a Looney Tunes cartoon of it. Sleepy Gonzalez. He honestly looks like, do you remember, are you guys old enough to remember Fritos had a mascot called Frito Bandito. That's what this guy,

my dad can't be the Frito Bandito. It cannot be. Who do you look like? I don't know. I mean, it could be anything. I look like my mom's side, like my grandpa. Wait, 30 days after you found out she was a prostitute? 30 days after you were born?

30 days, 30-ish days after I was born, my grandparents took custody because my mom was also on drugs. And they changed your name? Yes. To their last name? Yes, which was hers, too. And so you never went by Norris Fleming? No, I didn't know until I was like 2021 i was getting a sheriff's

card to work at a casino in vegas i got up real early on no sleep kind of similar to this i give the guy my information i want to get it done go home and sleep i'm reading a rolling stone not paying attention the guy keeps going who's norris brent fleming who's nor and i don't think he's talking to me then finally i could tell he's talking to me and I'm like, I don't know, dog, is that your friend? And he throws the birth certificate back at me through the window and I look at it. Whoa. And it's there.

Maybe you never get any sleep because at night you turn into Norris. Oh my God. Some people turn into werewolves. Have you considered that? I got bit by a Norris. Have you considered that? You're always tired as James because you're up all night as Norris fucking attacking Jordan and stalking her, keeping her up at night. Well, why does that have to be a stalker?

Whoa. I mean, you don't know what you do as Norris. I'm just saying. I didn't know that Cosentini was one of my last names until way later in life. Well, I didn't know either. Jordan Ray Cosentini Jensen. What are you doing? It's a good name, Cosentini. Put of my last names until way later in life. Well, I didn't know either. Jordan Ray Cosentini Jensen. What are you doing? That's a good name, Cosentini.

Put that down. Why are you spreading your cock? I'm just so taken aback by this. Are you unsticking your balls from your thigh? Yes, it's stuck to my thigh. Third pair of glasses. You got some goggles back there? For Chris Sabo?

Wow, you would have been such a dork if you were Norris Fleming. I'd be the same person. Or the toughest motherfucker around. We are all defined by our names. I'd be a great Norris. You think I'd be a great Norris? You'd be a killer. Dude, if you were Norris Fleming,

you'd have gotten made fun of so much that it would have made you a tough-ass motherfucker. I am a tough-ass motherfucker. Let's shoot. Would that be hilarious? You just looked like a sal ass motherfucker. I am a tough ass motherfucker. Let's shoot. Wouldn't that be hilarious? You just looked like a salamander. That wasn't tough. What was that? I'm playing around.

Yeah. What? Nothing. Just have to be here. How'd you get your name? I was just born. What's your middle name? My middle name is Shou Ming.

Oh, there it is. Shou Ming the money. Hey. Somebody hit a big gong. It's weird to you. Shou Ming the money. Hey. Somebody hit a big gong. Said my nonny all these years. I had no idea you were Chinese. Yeah.

We've been friends for how long? Shou Ming, that's like a beautiful patient name. I mean, I don't really talk about it. I don't really get to be Chinese. I don't get to do no Chinese stuff. What if you just had a little Chinese penis and the rest of you is a big black man? I mean, that's what it is.

No. Prove it. You don't have to prove it. Whip it out. I'm good. All right. Somebody's penis I was looking at the other day at the cellar. Who?

Roy Wood Jr. How are you seeing his penis? Who was hosting that? Not one of you guys? No. He was wearing sweatpants and it was like a direct shaded. I could see. I could draw it.

I mean, it was really incredible. I took a picture like that in my underwear the other night. How'd that go? Well, she's not coming to New York. Did you give it? Do you want to come to Toronto and find her? Yes. Okay. Mr. Ian, I still think Sam Collins is the best. Mr. Ian is waiting

for you to arrive. Mr. Ian awaits. Hello, this is Shang Fong. I really just want to know what you were going to do with the special before Ian gave you the idea that you to arrive. Mr. Ian awaits your presence. Hello, this is Shang Fong. I really just want to know what you were going to do with the special before Ian gave you the idea that you should use. What was the plan? Well, the original plan is just to do the material of the first one. Yes.

Which one? Have you been doing the black? I've been doing the black. You know me. Yeah. I'm listening, sweetheart. You're so sick. And then the second one, I was just going to get pretty twisted and do some crowd work.

Maybe do some of the jokes again. Oh. Maybe not. Which one were you going to put on the internet? Whichever one was better. I have a Patreon, too. What is it, Plog? It's patreon.com slash Simeon Goodson.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You succeeded from our succession. Wow, the three best hosts at the Cellar.on Goodson. Yeah. You succeeded from our succession. Wow, the three best hosts at the cellar. Look at this. With our powers combined, we equal one Rich Aronovich. Rich Aronovich.

Here's a dance. That's great. Nice. Zarna. Where is Zarna? Where the fuck is Zarna? She's doing her thing. Look at that. I like Zarna Where is Zarna? Where the fuck is Zarna? She's doing her thing Look at that

I like Zarna a lot I think I think Tyler Fisher Is touring too Is Jocelyn Chia underground? Is she in hiding? You know You're related to her

No she's from Singapore Oh Mortal enemies Really? No I'm just kidding But still China number one You're related to her Yeah

Yeah you know her China number one But yeah I related to her. Yeah, you know her. China number one. I just tripped out. But yeah, I don't think she's a guy. No worries. Put the hat back on. Because they hacked the seller Yelp. Well, they didn't hack it.

They just bombed it. Dude, yeah. A bunch of people put, they bombed it and gave one. Noam must be so upset. Noam. They like interviewed Noam. Yeah. Who did?

The Times or something. Yeah, yeah. It's a good Times or something Who is upset about this? Hasn't there been tons of The entire country of Malaysia Stop yelling Isn't Malaysia Am I yelling? Yes Alright Ethan

Thank you The entire country of Malaysia Is in an uproar Singapore had to apologize to Malaysia On behalf of Jocelyn can I ask a question without you screaming no scream hasn't there been tons of jokes made about the Malaysia

airplane why is this one the upsetting one I mean it's there were jokes when it happened but none of them were she also said I'm from Singapore fuck Malaysia your assholes blah blah like she went hard the other jokes were like

topical she went like hard on Malaysia and they are very upset and all that shit but it was fine but it's a funny joke it's not a bad joke like the whole thing together

about how she's Malaysian and Malaysia used to With the trade agreement and all I don't know Did Malaysia used to bully Singapore? Singapore asked Malaysia for like Assistance at some point And Malaysia said no And then now Singapore is doing better

Singapore is a first world country Malaysia you're poor Yeah she was like really besmirching Malaysia. And they got upset. It's comedy. It's like when people talk shit about like fucking Detroit. But it's more political because Singapore is such a weird place. It's a city state.

It is friendly fascism. It is one party system. The quality of living there is supposedly unbelievable. But if you throw a gum wrapper on the ground, your asshole is getting hit with a gun. And guess what? This is fucking America. We can say whatever we want.

They need to butt the fuck out of our business. And Biden needs to fucking step in and go, hey, Jocelyn's all right. This is free speech. You think our president? Are you trying to get on Tim Dillon's podcast or what? Is this your audition take? You think Biden is going to step in for Jocelyn Cheehan Well if fucking Singapore and Malaysia

Are coming against an American citizen Let's fucking knuckle up bitch We'll send the president Not even like a former president I guess he's doing stuff Jimmy Carter Well he's on hospice he would have been the one God bless him

How great is our country though That we can say whatever the fuck we want Carter, well, he's on hospice. He would have been the one. He would have been the one. God bless him. Well, I will say this. It's how great is our country, though, that we can say whatever the fuck we want about our country. Has the seller even come forward to defend her? And it doesn't even, we're not going to get called by Interpol. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Noam did? Yeah, of course. How do we defend her? Right now.

Okay. We stand with Chia. Yep. Back off. It's just a joke. Yeah, it's just jokes. Stop bullying her. Also, China number one. Hey, listen, she just made joke.

It's not like she went pee-pee in your Coke. Oh, my God. Huh? All right, guys. What's that? Is that one of her jokes? No. Are you doing a Chinese accent?

Oh, my fucking God. It's goddamn Chinese. You've never heard that? Me Chinese, me play joke, me go beepy in your car. Oh, my God. That's so funny. That's so funny. That's so funny.

That's so good. We need to condemn Ian. I need y'all to reach out. Leave one star of Yelp reviews On this podcast Shut this shit down Call Interpol I know where he lives Interpol call me

I got you Fuck this podcast Fuck Ian and Jordan I'll give you Defend Chia but not Mia Because China number one China number one Chairman Sim Always one. China number one. Chairman Sim.

Always. Chairman Sim. Always number one. He's crying over it. Is that a gong? Yes, it's a gong. One time I was at the cellar and I was talking about Jocelyn Gia and then a gong somewhere fell.

No. No. No. And the comic I was somewhere fell. No. No. And the comic I was talking to was like, here she comes right now. This is terrible. I lost my mind.

I lost my mind. This is awful. I don't know what to call it. This is bad promotion for my show. It's not. Me Chinese, me love coke.

I didn't do that. Oh, sorry, sorry. I didn't do that. I didn't didn't do that You know what to do I always get mouth stuff stuck in my head Jews, no not Replace us Stop Let's bring it back

To a place of peace I'm going to read some Native American poetry Can you tase me? You heard it And myself are of one mind. The measure of the land and the measure of our bodies are the same. Just knock me out, like right on the temple. Leave it there for a little bit.

Give the man what he wants. You keep that goddamn thing at that fucking table, Jordan. You got someplace with water I can put my feet in or anything? I fucking hate it. Jeez. All right. Me Chinese. Me do coke.

That's not how it goes. You got to charge it. I was doing Sim. Me Chinese. Me do coke. Me do it on my special. But tell no jokes. How appropriate is it that Jordan walks around with an uncharged taser?

That's so excellent. Like you finally getting the sushi. For myself when I see the cake. You've just been playing with it all day. Now somebody's attacking you and you're like, oh no, it's dead. I've been tasing my friends all day. Now I need it and I don't have it. How appropriate

is that? That's fucking wild. That guy just has a cake. He's like getting in the car and what? I've never seen Jordan smile this much. Because I'm thinking about when we first hit it. And he wiggled. James acted like a real Norris Fleming.

Oh my God. What are you going to do? Light up in the studio? James really Flemed it up. Oh, my God. Relax, Norris. What's up? I'm sorry. Do it again.

Let me see if I can do that face again. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. I want to show you my acting. I want to show you my acting. Do it again. Relax, Norris.

You went too quick. You knew the Norris is coming. Relax Do it again. Relax, Norris. You went too quick. You knew the Norris is coming. Relax, Norris. Relax, Norris. Ooh. I'm a fucking... That was good. Speaking of acting, me and Sim acted together, remember?

Let's practice that again. Do the hand again. Go ahead. Hey, motherfucker. No, no. We don't need black voice, but we need the... Me and Sim, we're not doing that. All right. Yeah, there you go. Dude, remember you and me, brother? We were acting in a thing when we got fallen.

Have you seen The Birdcage? No, I lived it, bitch. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Okay, what did you act in? It was called Finding Simfeld. Finding Simfeld. Finding Simfeld.

He played, give us the synopsis. It was. All right. The premise was that Seinfeld stole his whole act from some black dude in East New York. Named Simfeld. Named Simfeld. Wow.

So we did like a found footage thing where we found the original footage and it was just like us doing Seinfeld shit. Really? Yeah. But he was like sunning me over like using like a printer. I shot him at one point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm, I played George. You shot him?

I played George and like my life was ruined from the show and Gabe Pacheco played Kramer. Yeah, it was dope. Who was Black Seinfeld? I was. I was Simfeld. Yeah, he was Simfeld. The Simfeld.

You're Black. Dude, it was great. It was very fun. It was mad fun, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I... That was before like going viral was a thing. Yeah, yeah.

Years ago. Repost it. We should. Repost it. We ago. Repost it. We should. Repost it. You should. We should put it up on our YouTube. Patreon.com slash B and E in pond. Patreon.com slash B and E in pond.

Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. I really have fun with it. They let me improvise a lot. That's how Gabe met. I actually shot that. You just wagged your tail. That was the last thing I shot before I left.

So I shot that and then left. So I'm like not in the second half of it. It's kind of fun. That's how Gabe met You just wagged your tail That was the last thing I shot before I left So I shot that and then left So I'm like not in the second half of it It's kind of fun That's amazing Oh that's right you moved to Dubai I moved to Abu Dhabi Abu Dhabi why? My ex-wife was teaching there

So we all moved there How was that? It was pretty dope There were hot women there huh? Yeah there you go good job I'm straight I almost said I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay.

I'm gay. I'm gay, I love pussy. The Muslim women, they're all covered up. They're hot. You like that? Yeah. I like it too. You love a mystery.

I saw one in Wendy's. That's why you like the, you know, the trans genders and the- I love never- The one? The hermaphrodites. The hermaphrodites. Right, just like a mystery. Yeah. You just wanna knowrodites. It's like a mystery.

It's my favorite turnstile song. Mystery. Great song. You don't listen to the white rock bands. Oh, man. I feel bad. I feel like I'm missing out. You want to go to a hardcore punk rock show with me

Saturday? Saturday's no good. I got mad shows. You want to go to Biohazard with me on Friday? Biohazard and King 9? I think I'm going to LCD, but Biohazard sounds fun. I just went to LCD at Red Rocks. You want to go with me to see Bane and Suicide Vile

in Boston? When? Sunday. I can't do that. I love you, though. SC didn't give me shit this week, so I'm having a punk rock summer. Okay. Punk rock summer. Don't do that. Essie didn't give me shit this week, so I'm having a punk rock summer. Punk rock summer. Don't do that face. Stop. Wipe the face off your face. Thank you. That's so nice.

Isn't that a bad face? That was like the Indian Joker meme from years ago. Here's the thing. Jordan, I've had a great time with you. I want you to know this. I don't think we get along in real life and this has been really great. We really have a great time

every time we see each other. You don't get along in real life? No, he hates me. Everyone says that about you. Do they really? Yeah. Who? Everyone. Who says that? You know, so and so and that guy. Who says it? Every Tom, Dick and Harry. Oh, I don't talk to Tom, Dick and Harry's. That's why. Listen. Is there a Tom, Dick, and Harry. Oh, I don't talk to Tom, Dick, and Harry's.

That's why. Listen. Is there a Tom, Dick, or a Harry that works at the comedy cellar? Everybody gets along with me. Nope. The older guy with the muscles. Who? Tom Cotter. Who? People tell me. No, no. What do they tell you? They go, man, I really didn't think Jordan

liked me for the first couple times. Oh, yeah, because I'm a huge cunt. Yeah. Are you kidding me? I know. I'm mean. And I go, she's great. You just got to get it. Here's the thing. It's like a fever dream.

I've liked you from the beginning. Oh, don't make me. It's a reveal that I'm not. Too much to do. I'm a fun boy. I've been nice to you. I'm a fun boy. I'm a fun boy. Oh, no. The first time we met, I wasn't nice to you.

Why? Really? Remember, you were maybe going to the gutter to do a show with Makala. Okay. Remember? I met you when I was with Jack and we said hello. You're not as important as you think you are. Here's what it is.

I'm always going through a breakup, so when I meet people, I'm always really bummed out about it, so they think that I'm mad at them, but I'm not really. I don't remember that. I'm sorry. You were really nice, and I remember being like, I'm in such a bad mood, and I wish I could be nice to this guy, but I can't, but you were really nice to me. So who'd you fuck in a car?

Backseat? Backseat or front seat? Front seat. Did you like it? All the way reclined? Yeah. Were you on top? I was on top and on bottom. Switched. Really? And it was the guy that I that we talked about. Were you driving at the time?

Would that be even better? It was parked. Okay. In front of a playing room. This is for the Patreon episode. Wait, hold on. This is for the Patreon episode. Alright, we'll Patreon it. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod To hear the salacious details of Georgia Getting slammed out of the car

Woo Alright Look I'm having the time of my life Like it's Footloose What movie is that? Dirty Dancing I gotta pee is that criminal? We're wrapping up Plug your special.

Oh, my special. I'm going. When are you doing yours? July 26. Caveat. July 25th. I'm doing Sims Act the night before at Caveat. I'm going to do it.

One completely sober and one on payout. Me Chinese. Me no no. I have an idea. Is that TikTok on your toe. You do a special as James and Norris. Do a special as James and then one as Norris. You're right.

I'm doing one in November at some point in a penthouse and it's going to be weird. Whoa. Cool. And I'm going to warm up my own special and I just have someone else in the middle. Cool. You had a special just come out. Like a year ago, yeah ago That was a year? So check out the check spot if you want

On my YouTubes The James Madden On the YouTubes It's kind of a documentary And it's me doing stand up The worst part of the comedy show The check spot where everyone's paying their bills That should be abolished

A lot of good clubs don't do it anymore And I think it's kind of time I did a Q&A With a bunch of animals in the audience bells that should be abolished. A lot of good clubs don't do it anymore, and I think it's kind of time. It's got to be abolished. I did a Q&A with a bunch of animals in the audience, and it's in black and white. It's kind of cool. Yeah, I was there for the release. It was fun. We had a good night, didn't we, baby? We had a great night. It was such a good time.

You're the best. I'm okay. I'm cranky pants, but I had a good time, no? You're not cranky pants. You're the best. I love when you're cranky pants before you go on stage, because then You always make them really hot For some reason Yeah If you're in a bad mood

For some reason you crush I do really well with hate in my heart Yeah you do It's crazy I really do Even though I'm a loving man Yeah yeah But I psych myself up

What if Norris is the one that hates Like I'm Harvey Denton shit It's just a different name It's not a different persona Fair Sam you're up. July 26th, caveat. Patreon.com

slash Simeon Goodson. Instagram Sam Dillacrim. Nice. That's it. Cool. Jordan? That's true, yeah. IanFidance.com June 30th to July 2nd LOL San Antonio I'll see you there

Patreon.com We got some fun stuff coming Bleach buttholes Horseriding Jordanjensencomedy.com Four tickets get them in advance Or you're wicked because if you don't do it The clubs get mad at me

And they put me through it So't do it, the clubs get mad at me and they put me through it. So fucking do it, bitch. Yeah. And also July 12th. She's filming a special. At the cutting room. It's actually July 10th, I think. Oh, and July 21st.

We're doing a live podcast at the cutting room. So make sure you get tickets to that. It's going to be fun. We love you. Yeah. Bye. I kept be fun. We love you. See you. Bye. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time. Ah! It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore