Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 048: Korean Sweat Glands W/ Bobby Lee

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

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Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. With Jordan.

Like that you're sitting on the edge of your seat in excitement. I've been wanting to do this for a long time. Okay, here, ready? I'm actually nervous. Is it recording? I'm nervous that I'm here. You're going to nail it. No, no, ready? I'm actually nervous. Is it recording? I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I'm here. You're gonna nail it. No, no, I don't

even know. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Yes! Welcome to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. I am so excited to be with you. We haven't seen each other in a while.

How long? One week? A couple days. Yeah. And we have a fun time guest. Fun time, fun time. Konnichiwa, fun time. Yo, when you blew that, you know, I had a friend named Lori and she was born without a muscle around her anus. Oh.

I had a neighbor that was born without a butthole. Yeah, but she, no. My girl had a butthole. This kid didn't. I know, but it's two different things. But you said without a born without a butthole. I think I had that. Yeah, but she, no. My girl had a butthole. This kid didn't. I know, but it's two different things. But you said without a muscle in the butthole. A muscle. But there's still a hole. So it was like this.

Yeah. Wait, wait, she had no butthole? He had no butthole, and when he'd get his butthole surgeries, he'd come over and squeeze my hand because he was in pain. That's Ian's worst nightmare, man, without a butthole. And his mom told me drunk one time, she was like, I was so worried he was gay.

Not because of being gay, but because it would really hurt his man-made asshole. Oh, that's a good mom. That's so sweet. As a baby, he didn't have one, so can you go I don't want it there, I want it here. I would probably pick a location that's like. A very good point.

Interesting. Oh, yeah. Like on your thigh? No, you know, I think. No, the butthole should be on the bottom of the foot. Oh, my gosh. You can shoot it? You can shoot shit.

You could just go and just. Oh, unbelievable. And just talk. Unbelievable. Have a conversation with the people. Like Andy Dufresne putting dirt out of his leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you put the shoe back on. Whatever. You know what I mean? Or you can get fucked and be like, yeah, so anyway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you put the shoe back on.

Or you can get fucked and be like, yeah, so anyway. I think God fucked up on certain things, like where things are located. What is another one? Well, balls are ugly. Balls should be on the inside. Yeah. It should be inside the body.

I think eyes should be in the center of the face. Yes. What should be center of the face? Eyes Bring them down No, stop with that face Don't do that to the face I hate that face Stop, stop, man

That's not cool Put these on and just don't make that face The vagina should be like, maybe there's a crank or something To tighten it? Wow Or you could tighten it Like, you know, the pressure

I would take that because then if I had to pee, I would just I thought you meant a crank like Yeah, it looks like that Maybe it makes that sound to the song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's it. Queef goes to pussy.

That's it. That's perfect. God really did fuck up. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. We're a perfect engine. We're a vehicle of God. You know what my school used to make me write in our journals?

I am made in the likeness of God, therefore I am beautiful. Yeah. I don't like this.ess of God. Therefore, I am beautiful. Yeah. I don't like this. It's dehumanizing. Why? Because we can't see your eyes, which is where your human is.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I was listening to a Christian song and it said, hold me, in the song it says, God, hold me in your arms forever. But then I thought about,

God doesn't have arms. Why would God have arms? In your arms, whatever they might be. God can have whatever you want your God to have. Yeah, but why would he be up there like Paul Newman just with arms and stuff or whatever? Well, the whole world is in the palm of his hand.

What's the song where he goes, Dying in your arms tonight. That's about God. I don't think that's a Christian song. That's about God. Dying in your arms tonight Must have been something you said What does that even mean Dying in your arms

I like it though That's how codependent I am Whose arms did you die in Mine Him? He couldn't hold you? Yeah he's young and nubile You'll be a cracked statue by the time I die Just petrified ash

Like those Pompeii ashes With the little tiny penis Oh, sorry Is your penis tiny? It's really weird Is it tiny or is it weird? What do you mean weird? You're throwing me under the bus right now

It's kind of weird It's kind of weird Would you compare penises with me? the bus right now? It's kind of weird. It's kind of weird. Would you compare penises with me? Yeah. Not right now, but... Come on! Show me the penises face away from me. I can't show you my penises. What about dick pics?

Don't give it a chub now. I can't do it right now. I gotta wake up after the show. Wake up after the show. You're not supposed to be in my body. Because I look at your balls and I'm like, I don't think I can beat him. He has huge balls.

Oh, the balls? Those are all balls? Insanely giant balls. I've seen his balls a million times, but I've never seen his penis. I've showed you my penis. Well, I haven't seen it because I don't have bifocals. You're such a cunt because you fucking are throwing me under the bus. Laying on me?

My penis? You'll feel it. It's a hammer. You do have the biggest balls I've ever seen in my life. It is shaped like this. Does it turn? Can you add a laugh track to that? No.

I like it. Does it turn? I like it. It's got a big vein. Do you date, are you heterosexual? Yes. So you've never been with a woman? Believe it or not. I have. I didn't like it. But you prefer men? Yeah. Do you date comics?

Yeah. You fuck comics? Exclusively. Are you being real? Yeah. Wow. You were opening a can of worms that we could not put back in the can. Musicians. Some musicians. I date comedians and musicians. Whoa. That's true. When they say can of worms, they used to sell worms

in cans. Like, where did that fucking come from? I've never seen it. Fisherman shops. Oh, they have cans of worms. Oh, because they're stuffed in so tight. You look like a fisherman right now. I thought you'd know that.

And a fish. Yeah, from Okinawa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A spear fisherman. Oh, wow. Yeah. I hate the Japanese. No, I love them. I love them.

Well, they oppressed Koreans for a very long time. I know. It's fucked up, man. It's fucked up what they did to us. Yeah. I want to have a kid and only have a speak Japanese. But we got them back at the internment camps. Fuck yeah.

That was our deal, dude. Yeah. Yeah. You know what they used to do? What did we do? You know what the Japanese used to do they used to do What did we do You know what the You know what the Japanese Used to do to the Koreans What did they do

You're not gonna believe it You're not gonna believe it dude Tell me Tell me Well this is what my dad told me And I googled it I don't think I never found anything online

But my dad So what old Life it tells Alright tell us the lie Well I mean my You know my dad You know when I was a kid You know cause you know

My brother and I were born here, and we were like, you don't know how to do any of the things that fathers do in America. Like, for instance, the pull my finger thing. Yeah. He didn't know you had to fart at the end of it. He just did it. So he would just go, pull my finger.

And you pull it, and he'd just smile. Yes. And you'd be like, you're supposed to fart. He didn't even know to do that. I love the idea that he really was farting the whole time, just smiled. Yes. And you'd be like, you're supposed to fart. Like, he didn't even know to do that. I love the idea that he really was farting the whole time, just long. Yeah, yeah. So, like, he doesn't know things. Like, for, like, Easter, for instance.

You know, one time we asked him, like, can we do an Easter egg hunt? You know what I mean? And he, like, hid one egg, right, in the backyard. But it was scrambled. So, we had to pick it up. Yeah, scrambled. I think he might be a secret genius. That's what I think is going on.

I think he knew you wouldn't find scrambled eggs and he's doing Silent But Deadly Farts. Maybe he's autistic. I think he's a wizard. One time we go, as kids, we go, Dad, other fathers give their kids bedtime stories. He goes, oh, okay.

So one day she goes, he comes in our room and goes, story time, right? And we're like, yay, right? So this is what he said. He goes, you know Japanese? You know what they do, Korean? Oh, God. Already, you're a kid you're like

Story doesn't open like that Are you whispering in a long? Right not a historical did you know What does that mean you're right And he goes, they take Korean people, they tie rope to ankle. Which is like, oh, that's, maybe it's a fun ride or whatever, you know? They hang upside down.

Right? And you're like, huh? We take, they take a big boiling water, you know, the boil water. We're like, huh? We take, they take a big boiling water. You know, the boil water. We're like, okay. And then they dunk Korean, you know what I mean? In the boiling water. Did he say that?

You know what I mean? Everything come up. Oh, oh, right? And layer skin gone. 18, 20 times, 20 times. But, oh, everybody, you know what I mean? And we're like, okay, thanks dad, goodnight 20 You know what I mean And we're like okay Thanks dad goodnight

You know what I mean Those are the kind of stories my dad would tell Jesus Christ Well most like bedtime stories or nursery rhymes Came from like a very scary place Really? Like once around the mulberry bush The monkey chased the weasel

That's gotta have a bad story behind it. You don't fucking know? You don't fucking know? You just made that up. Some of you. You mean like eeny, meeny, miny, moe? Because that's catch an N-word by the toe. Yeah.

Do you know that? No, that's not true. Yes, originally. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Catch a tiger by the toe or something, right? But it wasn't tiger. Is it tiger, though, or was it? It was.

Yeah. How do you know? Because. I've never heard the N-word on that. That's what my uncle said to me. He told me as well. The grand wizard, your uncle? No, no, it's the one that's like the old man is snoring.

He hit his head. And ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Right? Yeah. It's about a man dying. Oh. And didn't wake up in the morning My mom said rugby Once Rugby rhymes

Like that they would all chant together Those are my bedtime stories When they played rugby Your mom played rugby? Yes She was dyke? My dad was her rugby coach. And they fucked?

And then she became a lesbian. Oh, and then did they both raise you mutually or no? My mom more than my dad, but I went between houses. Oh, you did? Yeah. Whoa. I don't see, you don't have a rugby body. No, I didn't play rugby.

She played rugby. Okay. She's built like a yield side now. Oh really? Yeah. Whoa. It's a violent sport, no? It's very violent. My sister played it. My dad played it. I was, I didn't play it. I was a scared little mall goth. I hated sports. Yeah. But you knew it was in New York that happened?

Ithaca. Ithaca. Ithaca, New York. Yeah. Whoa. Where'd you grow up? Why? That's one of the things he doesn't talk about.

Well, I don't want to talk about it Well you don't know? No Guess Oh yeah guess it Santa Cruz San Diego San Diego

I got the San I love San Diego You honed in fast It's unbelievable there's not a lot of comics that came from there, you know? I mean, I can't really... Yeah, who did come from there? You know? I think I'm one of the only ones, really.

We just... Oh, didn't Brian Simpson come from there? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, like, huge, like, huge people. Like, where I... When I was like, oh, you know, so-and-so came from, so maybe I'll cut through stand-up. You know, there was, like, no pathway, you know? No, no comedso came from so maybe I'll cut through stand-up. You know, there was like no pathway, you know. No, no comedians came out of Ithaca either.

Isn't that interesting? It's interesting to think about. Me, Aubrey Plaza, and Joe Biden from Delaware. Whoa, that's good. I went to the same high school Joe Biden went to. We're talking cities. They all were from Wilmington. They're all from Wilmington? Yeah. Really?

Wilmington, Delaware, 302,mington? Yeah. Really? Wilmington, Delaware. 302 through and through. Delaware. Do or die, bitch. Is there a Dover? Dover, the capital. My cousins live there, yeah. And in New Hampshire.

We used to have family holiday dinners at the Smyrna Rest Stop. Yeah, same with the Mobile Fest. That was the central meeting place. Did you guys grow up with Koreans? No, only in movies. Yeah. Clustered around some cool 80s car smoking cigarettes. That's not Korean.

Oh, no. No, but did you, you never knew any Koreans growing up? Yes, in preschool. And a friend that I went skiing with in New Hampshire. And that's it. Yeah, my friend Jackie. My preschool was like so diverse and then like slowly you like

phase out of that. Really? Different schools, yeah. And your friend Jackie was Korean? Yes. How do you know? What's her last name? It's Jackie Zhang. Yeah, that's not Korean. Is it? No. Zhang? Zhang is Chinese.

Why you lie to me? Why you lie to was a Z? Zang is Chinese. Chinese. Oh. Yeah, what do you, why you lie to me? Why you lie to me, Jordan? Let's call him. Let's call him. Let's call him. I think he's Korean. There's no Zang. Call him.

Yeah, call him. What are Korean last names? Cho, Park. Cha. Lee. Park. Cha. Choi.

Park. Yeah. Park? Park. Asia Man Records. Kim. Kim. But that's also Chinese.

No. Call the fucking guy, man. Call. Yeah, Mike Park. Asia Man Records. Kim. But that's also Chinese. No. Call the fucking guy, man. Call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you? Oi! Is that real? Yeah.

Why'd you, you want to zap me on? You want to tase yourself? Do you be honest with me? You just handed it to me. I don't want to zap you, but I do want you to zap yourself. Do you want to get tased? No, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to. Do you want to tase yourself?

He reacted way better than Madden. Madden was like... I shot it for every zap. What if we tase ourselves? Is that a real taser, though? No, it's just a stun gun. Oh, but it does work? Yeah, it's not that bad.

You do it first. I'll do it. Don't do it to me. I won't. You were kidding about the me. I won't. Even though, say I don't, you were kidding about the dick. That's right. Ah. Whoa.

Is that for like raping? Protection. Protection from the raping? Yeah. Yeah, that's a pretty good weapon. And I got this too. Ready? Yeah. Where is it? On the subway? Oh, don't take my wallet I just have to comb my mustache

Whoa That's tricky shit I like it I think more what you'll do is Oh I don't have my wallet in here This is my comb I don't know I think if you start combing the mustache

I don't have a phone Yeah there you go Buddy if you're combing your hair And want to kill yourself That's dangerous then Have you ever been mugged? Have you ever been mugged? Yes. Really? Oh my God. I've been mugged so hard. Really?

I was in fucking South Africa. Of all places. In District 9? Yeah. With the aliens. With the prawns? No, I was there. I was with Orny Adams and Ian Bagg. Nice. You know them? Yeah.

It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Fancy hotel. and Ian Bagg. Nice. You know them? Yeah. And so I was walking. It was two o'clock in the afternoon. Fancy hotel. Oh, my gosh. And all of a sudden, I'm on the ground on my belly. What? Yeah.

And two guys were like, Wait, why are you on the ground on your belly? You got shoved. They tackled me from behind. Oh, I thought you were like, this is how you swim. No, they jumped on you. No, I walked like normal people, like doody-doo. Yeah. this is how you swim. No, they jumped on you.

No, I walked like normal people like do dee doo. Yeah. That's how you walk. Yeah, yeah. Do dee doo dee doo dee doo. Do dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And I walk like this.

I was on the ground. Normal people walking. Yeah, dude. Yeah, bro, yeah, bro. And I'm on the ground going, why am I here on the ground? Why, why? Right? And then all of a sudden they're going through my pockets. They steal my blackberry.

Nice. I miss the blackberries. Back then there was a blackberry. Oh, God. And I turn around. I see Ian and Orny. I wasn't there. They mugged you? No, they're watching me from across the street, and they're like. No!

Bad friends. They didn't help out? You can't do nothing. No. Yeah, and I'm looking at them, and I go. You're on a ship, the friendship, and if something happens, you all go down together. Yeah, but I don't know them that well. So?

And they're not friends. So? One of them is like, you know, Orny? Yeah. So anyway. Stinky. No, he's a good guy. Good guy.

Which one's Orny? I don't know. You don't know Orny Hattles? Not personally. Speaking of Stinky, did you have sex with a black woman upstairs? What? Your bed smells.

What kind of segue is that? He did. A while ago, but. It smells really strongly of it. What are you talking about? Strongly of what? Like the oils. Oh.

Oh. What are you fucking even saying, dude? I was with a black man. Yeah. And he got his oils all over me. Let me ask you something. Yes. Can I ask you something?

Ask me something. Number one, when you say oil. They use oils in their hair. Oh, I thought you were saying they just exude oil. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, they're like skunks. That's how they defend themselves. Yeah, yeah.

So one time I was on a podcast, and this is many, many years ago. I said that black people were oily. Ah. Ah, yes. And I didn't even know what I meant by saying that because I just said it. That's all I said that black people were oily. Ah. Ah, yes. And I didn't even know what I meant by saying that because I just said it. That's all I said. You're not wrong.

It's lotion-y. Right, so then what happened was a lady, you know what I mean, a black lady, right? She started emailing Tiger Bell and going, if you don't give me 25 grand, I'm going to take this clip of saying black people are oily and I'm going to ruin your career. And she kept doing it.

She got to the point where I had to get the law involved because it was like out of control. Did you give her anything? No. Nice. Right. That's fucked up.

And then on the line, she would put like videos of me with a KKK. No. You know what I mean? A thing going, buy black people are oily. That's so fucking bad.

It's not bad, but you just said it too. Black people's entire set is white people are X, Y, and Z. And they smell like dog. And they're dry. And they kiss their dogs on the mouth. And they say things like, what was the one I heard the other day that was just absurd? It was white people say, that's awkward.

That was that little kid. Yeah, but all those things are true. He's like, no Latino woman would ever say, that's awkward. I'm like, that's insane. Of course they would. What? That's a colloquial thing. Yeah. But I live in a black band and our entire couch smells like because he uses the hair oil on his dreads like Ian's

left side pillow. Yes. And I was just in there taking a little nappy nap and said hey am I in my roommate's room right now because I think Ethan. When I was teaching I used to bring a big thing of lotion for all my students. Why? Because I'm an ally. That's fucked up.

That's fucked up. Because it feels like you're jacking them off. Let me ask you something. Do you not wash your sheets? How often do you wash your sheets? Very good question. This isn't about me, okay? I want to ask you. You were walking. Go back to doody-doo-doo. Doody-doo-doo. I had to start from the beginning, though. All right. I start from the beginning though. All right.

I forgot where I was, dude. So I'm in fucking South Africa, dude. I'm walking out of my fucking duty. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do then afterwards. Wait, wait. You've knocked down, tackled with a gun, a knife? No, no gun. He said after I got mugged. I need the...

So I'm on the ground. I look up at the comics and then they run. That makes my blood boil that they didn't have your back. Right. Well, can I just be honest with you? They tell me that

that's not how it happened. Okay, let's hear their side. I don't know. Please do an impression of their voices. They weren't there. I feel like they were. They said they weren't there. They were like, we've never been side. I don't know. Please do an impression of their voices. They said that they weren't there. I feel like they were. They said they weren't there.

They were like, we've never been to South Africa in our lives. No, they weren't in South Africa, but they said they weren't there. I don't know. I beg to differ. Do you think you got hit in the head so hard you thought they were there? Or are they just that? Well, maybe it was like, where are they? Maybe.

I don't know. But in my mind, they were there. They probably weren't. They're gaslighting you. Were you walking with them? Were you do-do-do with them? No, because I do-do fast. Oh, you do-do fast and they were behind. White people, they do-do slower.

The Asians are like... And white people are... And white people are... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what are black people like? Do-do-do-do, motherfucker! Whoa! Anyway, so then...

Can I just say, sorry, real quick. I was with my friend's dad, old black guy. Oh, boy. And he goes, that bitch so ugly you could put a face... You could put a face of milk and turn it to yogurt. That's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life.

That is the greatest thing I've ever heard. Anyway, dude, dude,doo. There was this one Chinese comic, right? He was okay. His name was Peter Chen. He wasn't that great, but he would make up his own retorts to hecklers and stuff. And they never made any sense, but they were so absurd

they made us laugh. So if somebody heckled you, he goes, you heckle one more time, I put you on a rocket ship and shoot you to the moon. Yeah. That's amazing. And we'd be like, we would love to work with you.

Is that really even a burn, really? I'd say the heckler's like, oh, okay. Jeez, I don't want to go to the moon. I haven't gone to NASA yet. That's adorable. That's adorable, yeah, yeah. I like him.

Where did he go? I don't know. I think he quit No because when I moved to LA In 98 because he was like Getting spots because he was like the only Asian guy In LA doing comedy So they would just give him spots because of diversity

And then once I showed up At the comedy store he was getting less spots So one day he comes and goes There's only one room for one There's only one room for one tiny Asian goes, there's only one rule for what? Tie me with Asia in your town. Like a fucking old Western or something. I'm like, what the fuck, dude?

What the fuck? This isn't Deadwood, bro. What the fuck? I shoot you to the moon. Yeah. I shoot you to the moon. Next time you go out, I shoot you to the moon. Yeah, but it was like insane.

He was like livid too. Wow. We just lost our token. He's just standing there going, T minus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you lost your what? Well, we just lost our token He's just standing there going T-minus Yeah yeah Well you lost your what? Well we just lost One of the sellers The woman who made fun of Malaysia

Oh I heard she's great Yeah she is good But she's Shadow banned right now from the world Is she working? I don't know I haven't seen her But'm not keeping up with the Joneses. No, but she's a Malaysian comic

that made fun of the government. Singaporean comic. One thing is, she does lose her accent halfway through her set, which is always fun to see. Oh, she's one of those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the beginning of the set, she does a joke every time about the Malaysian Airlines and they found out and Singapore

called Interpol disowned her as a Singaporean. And then Malaysia called Interpol and was like, find her. It's insane. I looked on Twitter and she started a Patreon to get the joke uncensored. And it's like, who censored it?

They took it off the internet, I think. Oh, gotcha, gotcha oh gotcha gotcha gotcha gotcha Patreon give me money so she can do what with it anyway one joke yeah go ahead

sorry anyway yes thank you rude I know right I apologize side talk about Malaysia I know

I'm so sorry it's okay yeah please continue I've been wanting you to finish the story for 10 fucking minutes I know your friends are there

I think maybe not Your friends are there. Maybe not. Maybe they are there. And then they were like, go to the cops. And then we were like, we can't because it's like, what do you say? What do they look like? They're two black guys. That's all. And you're in Africa, there's no way. So we just let it go.

They took your wallet and phone. They just took my phone. Because I put my front wallet in my front pocket. Nice. You know what I mean? That's very weird. Yeah, but it's good. It's worse to get your... I'd rather someone steal my wallet money than my phone.

No, your ID, all that shit. No, no, no. ID, credit cards. It's a new life. You get a new phone, you're refreshed. I have so much stuff in my phone. Yeah, get rid of it. It should go anyway.

But back then, Blackberries, you didn't have a lot. Yes, that's true. You know what I mean? Like now, probably maybe I would rather have my wallet stolen, but... That's why you need this. No, get that away from me. Those will be used on you.

Oh, if I took this out, someone would easily steal it and stab me. Yeah. Do they just sell it or do you make it? This? I bought it in Ohio. It's so flattering that you think he could make anything. I made this studio. You did, huh?

Where's the little guy I made? Oh, he fell. I don't know where he is. She made a felt cat. You did? So that's the only time you've ever been robbed? That's the biggest eyes I've ever seen in my life. Oh, thank you.

I mean, whatever you mean by that. Yeah, I don't like it. You're welcome. I didn't like it. I don't like it. I dated this guy and his ex-girlfriend was like, you're dating Jordan, the woman with the huge eyes. And I was like, oh yeah, do I also have amazing dick-sucking lips and a huge ass bitch? You can't say huge eyes as an insult. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. I just did. Yeah, you just did. Yeah, yeah, no. And he really hit the nail on the head. We like to polar opposites our eyes. I know. Talk about my eyes. You're bug-eyed and he's sleepy. to polar opposites our eyes. I know. Talk about my eyes. You're bug-eyed and he's sleepy. Give me some of your eyes. I'll give you some of mine. We both have hooded eyes.

Whoa. See that? See how mine are hooded? Hey, who am I doing now? It's because I have a quarter Chinese in me. Yeah, dude, I'm dead on. That was me. And he nailed it with the mustache, too.

In your face. And the penis. And the penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, if you had a penis, I'd marry you right now. You're not into women with penises. They're just what's available. What are you talking about?

Gluttony. Then why am I spending so much money on them? Because they're available and other women are not. You know, the reason why I'm on here at your podcast, because I know Ian, but also, and I love him, but my point is this, is that when I saw you guys online, I was just like, you know, you were in my algorithms.

And I was going, wow, what a cool set. And then who's this lady? And then I thought to myself, maybe they look like a couple to me. Ew. Sorry. But that doesn't make you feel good? He's too gay for me and I'm too gay for him. Whoa. She at times

accepts me for who I am and then at other times is completely revolted. He's very, very, very codependent in a way that she is and it reminds her of her. Yeah. Whoa. I really date people who hate me and Ian loves me. Yeah.

I love her and care about her. You do. Like if she died, would that be devastating? Oh my God. I would be sad for a day. You do. And she doesn't like that. Yeah. Yeah. Like if she died, would that be devastating? Oh my God. I would be sad for a day. No. How long would it be? A whole day. So long.

Years? I wouldn't be able to move on. Yeah. How about you? If I died? It'd be really bad. I'd be on suicide watch, I think.

Aw. That's nice. Yeah. Andrew Santino, if he died, yeah, it'd be pretty devastating. Yeah.

How'd you guys, did you guys start as really close friends and then start the brothers? No, really. No, just good riffers? No, really. Enemies? Good to start a podcast with sworn enemies. No, no, no. What I like about him is that

there's lines that comics won't cross, but he'll cross them. Yeah, that's the best. And I'm that way too, because I don't know if there's lines. Yeah. There's no lines. There are. What are they? There's one line. And I'm that way too. Because I don't know if there's lines. Yeah. There's no lines. There are.

What are they? There's one line. It's the N word. No, there's millions of lines. There's a lot of lines. There's millions of lines. But on this podcast? Yeah.

But I don't, you know what I mean? I still don't see them. People have to tell me you just crossed the line. So that's why I edit. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I don't know. I honestly don't know what's wrong or right or what to do. It's fun to go up and go a little asshole foot over it but don't say fucked up shit but then we had a guest on the other day

that was like women orgasm when they what was it women orgasm when they get assaulted. And I was like, that's insane. So I think there's lines. You keep the lines with your own morality. Yeah, but what you just said there is very interesting. But it's not true. And we thought, it's not true.

No, I know. You would think it was true because of the way this guy threw it out. But I was like, that's not true at all. And we called him on it. And then he goes, true at all. And we called him on it, and then he goes, take everything out. We were like shitting on it so much for so long that the episode wouldn't make sense.

Did you put it out? We just ripped him apart on the podcast. No, we took it down. We can't. You can't even air it a little bit. Because he was like, take out that I said that, but the whole thing is me and Ian being like, what are you stupid? Are you fucking retarded? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like trying to Google it

like not being able to. But like even that word you just use, retarded, right? Yes. You know, that's a line you're not supposed to cross. Then they don't have to listen to me. I know, but that's my point that there are lines that you're, to me, there's certain words that aren't that offensive to me, but you know,

the lines have been moved and culture has changed. I'm just slow to move with them. Which is why you can say retard. I know. I know. But there are lines and so it's like, you know, I don't know

what to say. So when I saw Andrew, I used to have this YouTube show called Bobby Lee Talking. It was like a talk show yeah and a bunch of people on it but with him you know he did things like he did this with his eye with you know i mean yeah yeah you mean did an asian accent and i was just like yeah that's my guy well i think it's you can you can do and say whatever you want if if if you're in on the joke of the fact that you're not supposed to see, you know what I mean? Like, as long as you, there's the context of like, yes, he's joking and it's silly. I think you're allowed.

Yeah. But if there's any sort of like, like I did a joke once and this guy, it was like so clear. I was joking. I like was making fun of a street joke and I made some joke about like priests, molesting kids or whatever. And this guy got pissed. He stood up. He goes, I got a joke. How many Jews? And I like shut joke about like priests, molesting kids or whatever. And this guy got pissed. He stood up.

He goes, I got a joke. How many Jews? And I like shut it the fuck down. I was like, fuck you. I don't fucking play with that. There's hatred in what you're saying. I'm joking. It was me.

I was the one who stood up and joked. How many Jordan Jews does it take to succeed? Yeah. I say Jew stuff all the time, though. That doesn't bother me at all. Well, she's like, you know. Yeah. I don Jew stuff all the time, though. That doesn't bother me at all. Well, she's like, you know. Yeah. I don't mind much.

But that's the thing is I got offended at the rape thing. Everybody gets to stand up for what they get offended by. But I would never. I would have been like, what's the Jew joke? Let's hear it. You know what I mean? Yeah. But that's because I have so many Jewish friends who are Jew-y as hell.

They're Jewish. What does that mean? Money, money. Yeah, they love it. You can pray it away from them. I know, yeah. We got to go to the gas station that's around the corner

that's three cents cheaper. Yeah, but that makes sense. That's because you have a little bit of Jew in you. I know. Or even like, you know, I was on an acting job once and there was this one actress

who, you know, I don't know what she identifies as. A Jap? Oh, is this what you were telling me? Yeah, I wanted to say the show. No, no, no. You know what I mean? I go, where is she?

And she was behind me. And she goes, it's not she, it's they. And how dare you? And the sense they're screaming at me. You know what I mean? And like kind of mad. What did you say? Where is she?

Oh. Yeah, she wants to be referred to as they. And he said she. Oh, come on. No, but I'm saying. And it was like a nonchalance. But that's a line, right? People keep to as they. Oh, come on. No, but I'm saying that's a line. But that's a line, right? People keep asking my pronouns.

What? People keep asking my pronouns, and I say that she hurts my feelings. Your pronouns are ew and gross. Yeah. My pronouns are he, hey, he, ha. Ew, no. Anyway, go ahead. But my point is

Is that I don't know what you guys are doing I love it You guys love each other He's mad that I said his dick looks weird Yeah yeah She was doing it to be funny I'll show you

I think his dick is normal I'm pretty sure it's normal How many cats do you have? One Are you dying? Are you allergic? Are you allergic? No I have three cats

Are you hungry? You have three cats? Yeah Are they dog cats or cat cats? Okay hold on Can we go back Ask how many cats I have How many cats do you have? One.

Are you allergic or hungry? He made the joke. They're in his freezer. That's why you can't rewind on jokes. That's why I want you to keep it in because it made you look foolish. That was the most foolish thing I've ever seen in my life. You know what that also means, dude? You don't listen.

You know what? Dude, you don't pretty cool. You know what that also means, dude? You don't listen. You know what? Dude, you don't fucking listen. You're correct. And I'm a guest and that's fucking rude as fuck, bro. Right? What about her fucking interrupts?

She listens to everything I fucking say, dude. She interrupts. That's fine. I'm getting clarity. I'm getting more clarity. Did you see that shit? You just witnessed

a comic with ADHD or whatever he has, right? Who doesn't listen to his guys. And that's fucking bullshit. You have to sit your white ass down and listen. Hold on. Before I start listening, I have to calm my mind.

Yeah, I will listen. You're not the best listener, I will say. You're great with advice, but it takes a while for you to. You have advice. Yeah, I'm good with advice. I'm good at advice. I'll give you a scenario, though. I want to see if you're good. Oh, yeah. Alright, so, yo, man.

I live with my uncle. Wow. We're getting into character. I shouldn't be a Southern California guy? I think you should. I think you should. What's up, bro? Hello, bro. What's up, ye? I'm ready to listen. What's up, ye? Ye, what's up? So, you know, I live with my uncle and my aunt, man, right?

And there's a smell coming from their bedroom, man. Right? Black woman, Indians. Sorry. What? Sorry. My uncle's black. Congrats. Yeah. He gets his oil. He's all boiled up. I don't know. Forget it. I'm going to let it go. I'm so good

at advice. Come on. I have advice. I need a question. Go ahead. I live with two of my... Hold on. Can I give you advice after his advice? Yes. Advice off. Do you want real? I'll do an advice off. You have to go real. Advice off.

You want real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I live with two of my best friends. One of them, every time I come in, and we could all live alone, but we like living together. We're always on the road, right? So it isn't a situation of a

necessity. But every time I come home, one of them is always asleep on the couch with the TV going. And I hate it. It bums me out. It makes me feel like I live in a fraternity. Do I? He has a small room. His room is smaller than mine, but he has a TV in it. Do I say, hey, watch TV in your room if you're going to pass out on the couch? Or do I just let it go because he pays rent too? Go ahead. Well, I would say since it's something that is bothering you, it's leading to a resentment.

He's black. He's black. It's different. I know. Call the police. Call the police? Call the police call the police call the police there you go

beat that well here's the other one the other roommate was yelled at by the black guy the white guy was yelled at by the black guy

for falling asleep on the couch but now the black guy always falls asleep on the couch but the white guy was drunk but the black guy

is sober okay well then there's a difference a pious pass out is what we have here a pious pass out you are gaining a resentment

and having a resentment. And having a resentment is like drinking poison to make someone else sick. It's only going to lead to... What? Will you let me fucking finish? This isn't listening. Yeah. You're gaining a resentment. So you should confront him, but do it with love and say,

Hey, I don't like coming. I know and say, hey, I don't like coming. I know you're tired, but I don't like coming home and feeling like I don't have a space to. I'd really appreciate if you could try to just watch TV in bed and fall asleep in your room. He would say you can come watch anything you want. But it doesn't make me feel comfortable. And as an equal share member of this house,

I'd like you to consider that moving forward. Oh, shit. Bobby died moving forward. Oh, shit. Bobby died. He's either asleep or making eye contact. I'm literally listening to what you're saying. I'm being real. Yeah, I'm in the moment. Okay, now keep going.

That was my advice. Ding. Your turn. When I walk in and there's nobody on the couch, it's like, oh, fuck God, dude. Can I tell you mine? Yeah. You don't have to do anything. Okay. Because you just did it.

What do I do? You sit on the podcast. He doesn't watch this stuff. It doesn't matter. It's going to get clipped out. You're right. And he's going to see it. You're right.

That's why I said it, to be honest. Right. So you do it. You did it without even confronting him. It's the best. It's the best way. It's the best way. There's no argument.

There's nothing. And he's going to listen to it. Now, if he keeps doing it. Yeah. You're going to have to kill him. It's the best. It's the best way. It's the best way. There's no argument. There's nothing. And he's going to listen to it. Now, if he keeps doing it. Yeah. You're going to have to kill him. I think so. Yeah. But my point is that I think you already did it.

I think so too. What advice is better? What advice is better? Come on, bug. The one that I am going to do is his advice. See? That's why. Is it better?

No, no, no. Ethan, which is better? I, his is practical, but yours is better. Yeah. And that's the, what we were talking about.

Who gives a better advice? No, no, no. What's the most comfortable? Easiest. What is the, we didn't say that. And you know why we didn't say it? Because I listen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you, okay. Say it to me how you would say it to him. Say it, go ahead. Tell me what to say. Let me speak your language, Jive Turkey.

Look at your eyes searching his to see if it's okay. I would say we've had Jive on here before. I love you and I love living with you, but it kind of bothers me coming home and I feel like I don't have my own space. I know you get tired and you fall asleep on the couch, but it would of bothers me coming home and I feel like I don't have my own space. I know you get tired and you fall asleep

on the couch, but it would really help if you could just fall asleep in your room because again, we all pay rent. But why does it bother you is what I'm trying to get. I know. That's a good question. That's the thing. I walk in. You know what it is? I don't want to just immediately go to my room and pass

out. Everybody should have a time where they get to decompress on the couch and then go to bed and I know he's been doing it for hours because I always come home later than everybody else. You know what I need to do? I need to get a TV for my room. That's what we're doing. No. Done. You need to move out. No, because I live by yourself. Let me tell you why I don't

want to live by myself. I'm never home. I'm in this basement and then I'm on the road and then I'm in this basement and I'm on the road and I live in the most beautiful place ever. And the living room is a communal space right So why can't you do communal activities Like what Like relax Coloring

Sleep Oh like why can't I Twister Why can't I commune with him on the couch Well no Because he asks a lot of questions No because my point is It's like you go into the house

He's sleeping on the couch right And it's like You're telling me he should be in his room Yeah Well why don't you go to your room Because I don't have a TV So so I'm going to get a TV. Get a TV. That's what we're doing.

You need money? Yes, please. All right. I need a TV for my room, too. You need money. I need a TV for my room, too. How much is a TV about? Don't I fall asleep on the couch a lot?

How much is a TV? Oh, my God. A little Roku in my room? This big? Let's go. Let's go. What are we doing? A thousand.

I can't believe last time we did the podcast, you were like, our Patreon tier. Me and Jordan will have sex if we hit, what was it? 2000. It gets lower and lower every time you say it. That's so funny. Have you ever hooked up with a full Asian dude? Yes. He's hooked up with half Asian. Like half body.

You know what I mean? I've hooked up with everything. Everything. Everything. I just hooked up with half Asian. Like half body. You know what I mean? I've hooked up with everything. Everything. I just hooked up with my first person of color. Black? Brown. What kind? What kind is he? Who?

Oh! He is Sunni. Sunni. Whoa, mystery. Yeah, exotic. She didn't like it. You didn't like it? No.

Why? It smelled weird. Are you being... Oh, God, Dad. What the fuck do you mean? I'm only attracted to Irish white smells. Really? It's really true, and it's a problem.

What do I smell, man? Bobby's going to run and get Irish spring right now. I smell Korean. You smell Korean. What does Korean smell like? You smell Korean Wait let me smell You smell like Korean barbecue I wanna take a bite out of you Okay okay

Oh sorry Whoever's the most Irish I'm attracted to Ethan's smell Extremely so To the point that it's inappropriate You smell like laundry Which is Yeah you smell good

My Korean Your skin is exuding a perfume Yeah It's deodorant. No. No, on my skin. Internal, like, a system that does that. It's nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pheromones. A little garden in there? Yeah, it's pheromones. I'm clean on the inside. How do you do that? What? Oatmeal.

How? Clean on the inside? Yeah. Oatmeal? Yeah. Steel cut oatmeal. Me too. No, I'm kidding.

No. No, I just have always, I don't, like, versus Koreans, you can look this up, we don't use deodorant. Me too No I'm kidding Versus Koreans We don't use deodorant Because we don't have the glands To exude that Garbage that you guys put out Really? Look up Koreans and deodorant

I use women's deodorant I use men's So we have a self-cleaning system on the inside Like a vagina Why? What did you need that for evolutionarily? Maybe we're evolved. Maybe we're more evolved. You know what I mean? I don't know. Is that true? You didn't look it up?

No. He's too big. What the fuck is he doing? Speaking of not listening. What are you doing? You know what, man? You know what would help him pay attention more? What? Some TV money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know what, man? You know what would help him pay attention more? Some TV money.

Yeah. Yeah. I would love to be on a sitcom with you. That'd be the best. What about me? We'd have so much fun. I think it would crush. Yes.

Me, you, and Chelsea Lynn. Holy shit. Yes. She's fucking great. She's shit. You know Chelsea Lynn? Yes. She's fucking great. She's great. Who's Chelsea Lynn? Trailer Trash Tammy. Yeah.

I'm close with, oh man. Okay. You don't remember her name? Let's, I'm lacking now. No, Tina. Faye? Yes, Faye. That would be great.

What would it be about? I think 40-year-olds, right, that are losers. And gay. What? Yeah. Sorry. And we try to start a business. Yeah, but we all live together in one little area, right?

I know what it is. Yeah. I know what it is. Yes. So I saw this documentary. I don't know what it's called, but in the 70s, there was this one white family that adopted like people from all over the world,

but some of them were like handicapped and, you know what I mean, disabled, but there's a variety, right? Downsies? You got a case that they were nice. It was like downsies, but a Chinese guy with spinal bifida, you know, different things, right?

I almost said I want to rent a Down syndrome. But we still now cut to 40 years later, we're still living with mom. Oh, yeah. Right? Mom is dead. Mom is a corpse in bed and you guys still reside in the house. You go in there and you pet her.

You're good, mommy. Because back in the day, it was like, look at this woman. What a great family. Helping all these people. I don't want to say the retard, but different people around the world, right? People from around the world being equivalent to retard is hilarious.

People who are American, you know, retards. And then you just cut to like 40 years later and we're still living in the same place. And we're trying to live in the world. Did you ever see that documentary about the brothers who, it wasn't,

I don't know if it was a documentary technically, but they lived, it's true, but they lived in an apartment in Manhattan

and they never went outside? Yes. The wolf pack. Yes. Yeah, I've seen that. Incredible. And they would reenact movies. Yeah, yeah,

Reservoir Dogs and Tarantino movies. Yeah, with like cardboard guns and stuff and then one left the house and came back and was like, there's a world out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like Plato's cave. It's so astonishing that it was even in New York, the biggest city in the world. On the Lower East Side. Yeah, why didn't they go outside? How were they prevented? The dad was like telling them like fake stories about the world.

It was like, it's really bad out there. You can't, this is the only thing for us. We need to be together. Wow. Like flowers in the alley. That's how I am in a relationship. Flowers for Algernon. What did it say? I said

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Enter promo code Ska to score a deposit bonus. Don't wait. Start winning big today. Yay! About the Korean sweat gland? Yes. Great name for a band. It turns out that Koreans are genetically mutated

to have less of a sweating problem than others according to research. The University of Bristol research suggested that only 0.006% of the Korean population have the ABCC11 gene. Mutated is a very fucked up thing to say. No, it's X-Men

shit. Oh, I see what you mean. Can we call this episode Korean Fuck Line, please? What'd I say, dude? That's crazy. But the mutated, that is an You know, when people buy deodorant, I go, what is that for?

It smells. Have you smelled any? I mean, Santino probably reeks. Yeah, I don't go letters for your piss. Ginger smells. Oh, I can only imagine. My point is that I don't even understand why any, but I guess you guys need to use it. Yeah. Yeah.

Why do we need it and you don't? Because I don't have the same thing. Right. But why? What in your climate? Just like you guys are missing an enzyme, right? That makes it so that you're very allergic to alcohol. Oh, yeah.

That's exactly. Maybe that's the give and take. That's great. You know what I mean? Allergic as in you get wasted? I don't have that taste. I don't have that enzyme. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I shit myself and stuff. Oh, no, no, no. My friend does. He is Chinese, though, and he has it. And he gets IBS every time he touches alcohol. Did you call Zhang? I don't have his number. I wanted to. You're friendly. He is Chinese, though, and he has it. And he gets IBS every time he touches alcohol. Did you call Zhang? I don't have his number.

I wanted to. He doesn't talk to me. I wanted to do a show about a girl that lives in New York, and I'm her roommate, and she has to sell her panties to make money because she can't afford. But she uses a fake picture to sell it, and then I'm the liaison. And it turns out the first guy that she sells to is her stepdad

and she doesn't realize it and then we just see the wacky adventures they go on. Like a high maintenance but for selling panties. Yeah, did you notice though that like in his show, I'm not in it? Can you let me finish? No, no, no. Chelsea Lynn!

Chelsea Lynn is the panty seller and you and I are the roommates you didn't say that okay fine yeah you're just the extra guy you're the funny guy on the couch you're the roommate sleeping on the couch when he walks in you already said the three of us on the show

and then Jordan is the super of the building no I want to be the panty girl you want to be the panty girl please my panties get fucked up super of the building. No, I want to be the panty girl. You want to be the panty girl? No. Please. No, no, no. People are buying panties. How about this? How about this? We'll cast it out. We'll put you in the thing.

Okay. You have to audition. Somebody else wears the underwear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we'll get... Come on. Yeah, send us a tape. Send us underwear. Send you guys underwear. Send you guys underwear. Do you have an agent? Dad. My dad. He's dead. He's a big agent in the sky. Do you guys have agents? Dad, my dad He's dead Do you really have an agent in the sky?

Do you guys have agents? Yes I go on auditions a lot and I get to the second round His name is Adam, mine is Danielle WME And you never get him? I did just shoot a short film like an indie It's because you overdo it

Show them the hibachi catch I'm very Catch the hibachi catch. I'm very... Oh, okay. So I did do an audition for Baskin Robbins. Catch the hibachi. See? It's overdone. Yeah. How about this? I'm casting this. You're a Japanese man. Okay. Right? Oh.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm being real. Yeah. This is for Oppenheimer 2. Okay. Let's go. Right? Yeah. And you're a farmer. Yep. And you're a farmer. Yeah. And you look at the sky and you see the bomb is about to fall. It's very important. The bomb.

So I was born in Japan. I'm not Japanese raised in America. I think you're from Okinawa, but you took a boat over to America. They didn't have a bomb in fucking America. I'm telling you, you're in Nagasaki. Oh, it's a period piece. The atomic bomb. Oppenheimer, the atomic bomb. Oppenheimer 2.

I thought Oppenheimer was a composer. I'll be honest. Oh. But let's move forward. We should go. We should read some things together. Yeah. So this guy Oppenheimer invented the atomic bomb.

Yes. And he's. So anyway. So it's, you know, Nagasaki, they put an atomic bomb on it. And so you're a farmer. You look up at the sky. You see the atomic bomb falling. Right. And I would like to see your response.

So I want to Oh, no. Dude. Dude, bro. Dude. Dude, bro. Bro. Yeah. You're hired, dude. Yes!

Because that was real. You smiled. Yeah. Because you know you're going to die. Yeah. And you know what I mean? You're fired. I accepted my fate.

It's a bad life. Right. But also, you don't know. No, I'll tell you one thing. Can I say this? Give me a note. I'll give you a note. The note is, you note is there was no

atomic bombs before that one. How would you know it was going to kill you? Because I've heard from the villagers that America had this top secret fucking weapon. What are you talking about? That we were going to get attacked for what we did. You didn't know that it was a nuclear bomb.

Unless it was directly at your head. How far away that it was a nuclear bomb. Yeah, but it was directly at your head. You know what I mean? How far away is it dropping? Like five miles away from you. Okay. Ready? Let's do it again.

Sucka for them. Very good. Yeah, that's much better. Sucka. And that sucka, because on the script it says suck.

You added the A, made a choice. Made a choice. Yeah, yeah. You, go. that sucka because on the script says sock you added the a choice made a choice yeah yeah you go that she's dead already yep whoa dude whoa that you know what can i be honest with you yeah that's better that's what would have happened can i tell you why it's realistic you wouldn't even think about it see it and you'd be like okay there's something going over there

maybe something fell maybe one of these a little one of these oh yeah that's it you would do it yeah yeah I really like that a lot

that's a really good choice we're not saying things we're alone I'm a farmer you're a farmer right maybe I go sit down boy yeah

I think this is even better you do that you do it yeah You do it. Yeah. Right, go. It's the same thing I do. I'm the guy. Yeah. And I'm just working.

Yeah. You're just working. You wouldn't even look up. That's what I'm saying. Right. It's okay. It's okay. Yeah, we learn a little bit every day.

Because let me tell you something. I'd probably hire you anyway. And I'd give you the notes on set. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we learn a little bit every day. Because let me tell you something. I'd probably hire you anyway. And I'll give you the notes on set. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and the dialogue was like, they didn't speak English either. So I don't know why you would say sucka.

Yeah, sucka's crazy. It's crazy that, yeah, yeah. Sucksa for them. Yeah, sucka, he wouldn't say that. No, they don't speak that. He would go, Hungry, hungry. Or whatever.

Ready, here's the bomb. Yeah. We would hire you. Bro. Broad. That do it higher. Whoa. Broad. That was Louis C.K. doing Japanese. Yeah. Man, I'm really talking to myself about this part. So this Norwegian

Asian man you fucked in Norway, is that what you said? What's the difference between the different male nationality? He was a citizen. I know, but is there something different about our bodies that are different than... College. What?

Does it feel different? Like, when you stick your penis in an Asian butthole, does it feel different than... Oh! Well, I'll be honest.

We talked a big game and then he came over and I didn't even fuck him. We were just grinding our parts together and I came early and he goes, I actually have to go

to my friend's birthday party. That's so sad. So sad. Did he come? After I come, I'm like, get away. I'm so glad you asked that question.

What is that emptiness? When you come, there's an emptiness. There's a get away. I want to be by myself. Shame. You have shame. But why do we all have that feeling?

Because you've been jerking off since you were nine. And every time you come out, it's you going, and mom didn't saw me. But that's not what I was told. What were you told? What I was told is this, and I don't know if this is true or not, but I was literally told by somebody that was bright.

You know how you. Bright people. Yeah. Brights. MIT brights. What did the bright person say? What the bright person said is that back in the day, like in the caveman days, right? Men would go hunt and stuff and they would see the women and they would

you know what I mean? Like five dudes would fuck one girl. Bend them over, right? And then when you nut, right, you have that feeling so you can back away so the other guys

can get in there. And that's why our head, the head of our penis is shaped the way it is. It's barbed. It's barbed. Oh my God. So it stays in there.

So it's supposed to scoop out other men's cum out of their vagina. That's why our penis is up there. Oh my God. No, it's not. So it stays in so when we pull away out of terror. That's supposed to scoop out other men's cum out of their vagina. Did you know? Oh my god! No, it's not. So it stays in so when we pull away out of terror.

Well, the woman's vagina goes like this when we come to milk your dicks for semen. That's awful. This gender is bad. It is the bad one. So who told you this? MIT. Is it MIT? MIT? The whole MIT? MIT?

The whole place? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's crazy. I don't remember who told me that, but it lodged in my memory. That's so wild. I don't know if that's true or not, but maybe people can Google it. So the second you come, it's just back away.

Brad's coming. Brad's coming on the left. Brad Pitt's coming. Oh, my gosh. Ooga booga. Wow. Make room for the boys. Yeah.

And there's an emptiness Maybe that's what it is I don't know An emptiness I grew up Catholic And my Those aren't about I had like family members die

You're not Jewish When I was very young I did 23andMe And found out I am But we didn't know And I Grew up very Catholic Religious

I had Very close Family members die When I was really young and so everyone my dad died when I was 8 and everyone was like he's with you now forever and at the same time I just started jerking off like 2 weeks before he died

so I thought God was punishing me and then it's like I'm doing this and I'm like this guy is fucking watching me so there's tons of shame associated with that. And that's, I think, why I still am like, yeah, you know.

How come when we come, we aren't making room for the next dude? When we come, we get attached to whoever just came in us. You know what I mean? Because men and women are different. I know, but I know. Also, I don't know. I don't remember when I heard that, so I could have made it up in my mind. Also,

that's probably not even true. What? It's called the semen displacement hypothesis. Oh, now you show it. Also, it's a real thing. Yeah, so read it out loud. Also a good podcast name. Can you read it out loud? It says, according to evolutionary theory, some penises are shaped with their signature mushroom-like head because of what's called semen

displacement hypothesis. This hypothesis suggests the mushroom shape can scoop out other men's semen from the vagina. Dude, the Muslim had the craziest mushroom. I didn't think of it. I heard it for real. Damn. Wow. Scooping it out. I don't think

that's it because dicks have like, dicks, pigs have spiral dicks so that when the animal tries to run away it stays in there yeah also my head is not scoopy it's not scoopy yeah I've seen some scoopy heads but my head is small really? yeah yeah is your shaft

bigger than your head? my shaft is same no my shaft is thicker and the head gets smaller really? yeah whereas other heads are bigger. They have more of a scoopy fucking thing. But maybe I did that by jerking off so much. No, it's God being like, don't.

Don't scoop. Just leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's God telling you to fuck men. Whoa. Yeah, the guy, yes. The guy had sex with him. On a podcast.

On a podcast. Just full Ren and Stimpy You want to do a cock swap? Dick pic swap? No Kidding Yours are all Man, yours are all

You're choking the end of it Like you want it to die Like you're trying to rip it off If I don't grab it Yeah, we know why you're doing it It goes up to my belly button And like It

My dick doesn't go like this. It goes like that when it gets hard. So I have to hold it down. All the way up? Yeah. Wow. That's where I got to hold it. Your penis, when you're erect, does it lean to one direction?

Up? Well, kind of like that. No, mine leans this way. Because I think when I crank it, I do it like this. And over the years, it just went this way. It's like at the Eiffel Tower. I didn't know you were supposed to do it like this. And over the years, it just went this way. It's like at the Eiffel Tower. I didn't know you were supposed to hold it like this. I used to just rub it like this.

And then I was told it to sleep over when they made me do it in front of them. I was doing it wrong. Ah, kidding. Oh, now we're open about the sleepover. Now we talk about it. Our first podcast together, we illuminated that basically Ian was assaulted at the sleepover. And now we're how many episodes in? And he openly talking about it i think we're at 50 right 50 episodes ian is openly saying that he got now these kids made him jerk off in front of them in

the first episode he wouldn't talk about it he just got this thousand mile stare i laughed for a good 25 minutes of silent laughter because i saw something in his eyes that he wasn't willing and now we're talking about it that's's great. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault, man. Thank you. That's not what the priest told me the next day. What? What?

What? That's insane. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Tell us. Have you heard of the Unisom sleep gels? Yes. I have them in my room.

Right. If you take a little extra than you normally do, it makes you hornier. Really? I need that, because I'm on a lot of Prozac. I don't know if for women it works, but for men, my brother and I have the same thing where we take a little bit more. How many do you take into some sleep gels? I'll take like one or two.

If you take four or five. I'll be good. You need the whole bottle? No, no, no. If you think about four or five, it makes you so much more hornier. And the orgasm is way more intense. How do you stay awake? I mean, you don't do it like...

It's not like... Let's have a party. Unisom, Blue Chew, and just fucking... Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. I think you're trying to fuck me, dude. You're trying to fuck me, dude. Yeah, man.

I'm going to fuck you, man. You stay over tonight. Are you on the podcast that Ian is showing his ass? Come on. What do you got going on in LA? Just hang in New York. Do you think that if you and I were on a deserted island, you and I, right? Who do I think would tell me?

Us three. Us three. Oh, gosh. Us three, right? I would tell myself immediately. Shut up. I'm sorry. That's so rude.

I know, right? You're racist. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It is racist. so rude. I know, right? You're racist. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It is racist. Yeah, you're racist, right? Yeah, it is. So who do you think

would fuck who first? Well, I'm clearly stronger than all of you, so I'd fuck whoever I want. I think... Yeah. I guess. Yeah.

Theoretically, yes. I'm going to put my eyes up in this bitch. No, because I could hurt your feelings to the point that your dick would get soft. Yeah, but then I'd... What would you do? Physically, yes. The flies up in this bitch. No, because I could hurt your feelings to the point that your dick would get soft. Yeah, but then I'd physically beat you.

I think that would make your dick soft. I think you guys would end up fucking out of horniness for me. You guys would be like, you know what, let's just fuck each other. You're our fucking island queen? I literally am the island queen. We're in survival mode, friend. So, shelter, food, water. That's what we first do. You didn't give that option. No, mode, friend. Right? So shelter, food, water.

That's what we first do. Yes. You didn't give that option. No, no, no. The second I realized we're stranded. Everybody calm down. The second we realized we're stranded, I'm putting someone something in my mouth.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. What I'm saying, no. I don't want to be on an island with you then. I'm kidding. That's insane, dude. I don't want to be on an island with you. You presented me to six hours.

Subway's late. If we were all going to die, who would you fuck first? And we're like, I think it'd be Jordan. You're dying. Why would you be having sex? What are you doing? No, this is the mentality that you're in, right? So it's like, what you're saying is that once we get fucking

on the island that all of a sudden we're going to be talking about these. No, you're talking about a month or two in right now. We got our shelter. We have a water system. I think orgy. I think we go full threesome. Why not? There's literally no reason not to. We all suck and fuck.

Tradesy, offy. You would scoop my cum out. Oh, yes. You have to scoop his out because he can't scoop yours out. So you would go first. And then he would go next. You guys would do butt stuff just to try. Who cares?

Nobody's ever going to see us. We're going to die. You know what I think? You put two little babies in me. Lock the doors. But do you think we'll all respond strongly? Who do you think would get you pregnant first, do you think? Neither of you. I'm pretty sure I'm barren.

Really? I might hurt like ninjas, though. They're sneaky. They go through different fucking holes and canals. See, that's the thing. We would both be dumping you back and forth, back and forth, so there's no way you wouldn't get pregnant, and then it'd be such a fun thing to find out whose it is.

Maybe a little mixture of both. That would be entertaining. Dude, if you and I crossed, we'd be the dumbest looking fucking baby ever. Oh my God. But he'd be fun. You'd be funny, dude. Funny. Funny as fuck. Really funny. He would come out with a full mustache. Maybe he's born with a mustache.

And all these big teeth. Huge teeth, little eyes. Oh my God. I would throw him away immediately. What would we name them? What? Bobby and... Sucka.

Hokemon. Hokemon. We could name it anything we want. Yeah. You just said Pokemon with an H. I think Hokemon. Hokemon. Somebody's telling me Hokemon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think we would probably... That would be... You know what? If we're on an island, that would be an argument, I think. I think it would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would win.. I think we would probably that would be, you know what, if we're on an island that would be an argument, I think. I think it would. I would win

whatever I say goes. On the count of three, let's throw out a name, right? Alright. You ready? One, two, three. Eugene! You said Eugene, Greg, and Bart. We all said

the nerdiest names. Let's come up with a name with all three names. Bart, Greg, and Bart. We all said the nerdiest names. So Eugene, let's come up with a name with all three names. Bart, Greg, or Eugene. What? Bart, Greg, Eugene. Eugene is a very Korean name. Is it? Yeah.

Yeah, it's very Korean. How about the state fish of Hawaii? Ready for it? Humuhumu, Nuku, Nuku, Wapua. How do you know that? Because I used to have this little fish that would, or this map that would tell you the state Animals of things

And I remember it would go And then it would pause and go And that is how it's said I know and I would play it over and over until my dad Just who knew Who knew Who knew Who knew

I did That's amazing That's cool. Have you been to Hawaii? Yeah. How many times? Good question. I've never gone.

I think once. Only once. Feels like I've been there more than once. I go like five times a year. Really? It's the best. Which island? I've been to most of them, but I'm generally only like Waikiki.

I mean, Oahu. Do you ever get in trouble with the locs? No, because I'm always... What do you mean? Like the locals? Well, I'll tell you something embarrassing. Yeah. So I do a show on NBC called Magnum P.I.

Yes. So I've been on maybe 12, 13, 14 episodes, right? But after the second year, I relapsed. Oops. I relapsed. It happens. Yeah, and then the executive producer called me he goes what the fuck dude i go what do you mean he's like you literally got

banned from the prince the prince hotel or the what'd you do what'd you do and he goes what'd you do who knew who knew i'll tell you what I did. Apparently, I don't remember. So I was smoking weed, right, in the balcony. Right. And then I go, I don't want people to, because people were walking by. So I go, I'll just smoke it in my room and blow it out. So I had my little head out smoking weed. Oh, beautiful sight. A beautiful sight.

Yeah. And I go, I hear, hey, man, no smoking. And I look up and I see this big fat man's head. Samoan. No, white. Oh. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't like that angle. I'm really sorry. You're right. And I look up and I go, fuck you, man. Nice. Right? It was the manager. It was the manager.

It was the manager. So they banned me forever at the Prince. But when you're working for a show and you get that call, it fucking sucks, man. Because you feel like, I'm going to get kicked out of the show. I didn't want to tell you this, but I was outside sitting on the mailbox and this big

gruff guy drove by and he goes, hey, excuse me. And I said, yeah. And he said, do you live here? And I said, yeah. And he said, what apartment? I said, why? And he goes, because I run this, I'm the head of the management company for this building and I want to and he said do you live here and I said yeah and he said what apartment and I said why and he goes because I run this I'm the head of the management company for this building and I want to know why you're on the mailbox and I said I'll get down and he said good

I said my name was Ian Finance also I do that a lot where you say like fuck you who the fuck are you and they're like I'm God I'm the most important person. Yeah, I'm always in that situation. That's really fucked up. It sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, totally. I'll do things in front of Esty that I'm like, what are you? You know what I mean? I'll like blow my nose in my hand and just be like, wipe it on the table in turn. Yeah, from the cellar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only seen her one time. I got in trouble with her because there was a guy on stage bombing and I was emceeing.

Yeah. And I was in the bathroom and she came in and was like, get him off. He's bombing. He's bombing. And the manager called me. He's like, where are you? I was like, I'm in the bathroom. And she got mad that I wasn't in the room.

Oh, wow. So I talked to her. I was like, look, I'm sorry. She goes, you were in the bathroom for 20 minutes. I go, I was peeing. She goes, for 20 minutes? I go, look, I'm going to be honest. I got stomach problems.

I had diarrhea. All right. I was shitting. Did you, for 20 minutes? I go, look, Cassie, I'm going to be honest. I got stomach problems. I had diarrhea, all right? I was shitting. Did you really? Yeah. He always is shitting. I got something with my... I drank away my stomach lining, and I've had stomach problems ever since,

and I drink a lot of coffee. Do you have Crohn's or something? No. I just drink a lot of coffee, and my stomach lining is fine. You and I are so similar. I get diarrhea all the time. All the time.

All the fucking time. I have not had a solid shit. I cannot tell you. My shits are so good right now that I'm not eating processed food. Whole, brown, dark. I'm jealous. No wipe. Jealous.

Ghost poops. But you still wipe, right? Of course. Oh, thank God. You do wipe? Of course. I'm OCD about poop. Yeah, I have to use wet naps for my butthole.

But then you have to do a dry run, don't you? I carry them in my Of course I do a dry run What's a dry run? What is a dry run? You can't leave on the wet You're right Yeah, but I have the same kind of

So we were on the tour bus, me and Andrew And the first thing they say is Don't shit in the toilet Oh no That makes you want to shit immediately Yeah, don't shit in the toilet. Oh, God. That makes you want to shit immediately. Yeah, so at three in the morning, we're on the tour bus. We're somewhere in Wyoming and I'm sleeping and all of a sudden

I go up like this. I go, I have to shit in the next 20 seconds or we're fucked. So I shit in the toilet but then it stunk up the whole thing,aking everyone up Oh Waking them up?

That's how bad it is Wow Yes Been there Wow And I try to do a denial thing Like I didn't do it Did you really?

I always deny it I didn't do it Oh my god No I'm fine But we ran over a skunk Are we in New Jersey? Yeah but you don't You never do that

But I When I I've shit in my car before I used to have a Prius. I shit in that like two or three times. Shit your pants in it? Just in the back seat. Oh my, no.

Yeah, on the freeway. Into something? No, just spray. I almost had to do that at the airport. I almost went and shit in a trash can because I didn't think I was going to make it to the bathroom. It's the worst. You guys are having minor food poisoning often.

Yeah. This never happens. Yeah. You shit. So you're driving your car and you're like, oh my God, I have to shit so bad. It's an emergency. You pull your pants out and you stick your ass in the back. Why didn't you just let it go?

Stick your ass out the window. The 101. Illegal? Pull over. Everyone's there. No. The 101 is like unlike any other fucking road. There's no shoulder.

There is, but it's like during the day, it's just congested. Thousands of cars. I don't want Bobby Lee, you know what I mean, to be shitting on the day, it's just congested Thousands of cars I don't want Bobby Lee to be shitting on the side You know what I mean? I pulled over, hit my face, sprayed And that one time I made Kalilah Clean it up and she was She almost broke up with me

It was bad My ex-girlfriend You made her clean up your shit? We're not going to be on an island together I won't allow that There's so many places on the island Yeah, yeah, yeah We can bring us on the fucking island

I don't know what I was thinking I would never ask you to do that anyway Oh, okay, okay I just was thinking about your girlfriend Yeah, but you would have the same kind of bodies, I guess Yeah, yeah, we pull off How long have you been sober? This time around now, a year and a half

Fuck yeah How about you? That's awesome Eight years You're sober? Yeah Oh around now a year and a half How about you? That's awesome You're sober? Yeah No drugs, no booze, nothing You go to meetings and stuff? Yeah

Oh cool It's great Really? I have a year and a half But I just want you to know If you're ever in LA On Wednesdays I started a meeting only for comedians

Oh no way Yeah it's at noon So whenever you're in town on Wednesdays, you're invited. It's invite only. Joe listed that during the pandemic on Zoom and it saved me. There is one that they all go to. The best. Yeah. I've started

to go again and it really helps. I have such a mind that's like, you don't need this, you don't need this. And then I go. I feel so good when I leave. And then the next day, I mean, it's daily maintenance. The next day, it's, you don't need this. You don't need this. And then I go, I feel so good when I leave. And then the next day, I mean, it's daily maintenance. The next day it's, you don't need this.

You're fine. And it gets me in such a fucking rut, but I've been going. And ever since then, I've been cleaning up. I've been grocery shopping. I've been working out. Yes.

But you know what, what I find though is, is that, um, this time around, especially cause every time I go out, it's because I just, um I just stop going to meetings. Yeah. Right. And I'll go years without going to meetings.

And then all of a sudden you have no defense. And I've been I was so desperate this time around. And let me tell you, this is the worst year of my life. Wow. Really? That's been the worst year of my life. It was like just insane. Dealing with sobriety? Dealing with my, Kalilah and I breaking up. Cause you know, we did start a tiger belly together. You know what I mean?

So, you know, we lived together for 10 years and then I have to fart. Hold on. Yeah. Nice. Good one. Oh my God.

It smells so bad. Really? No. I really do. I can't. That's okay. This house was made for shit. Let me smell. Do not smell that microphone. I's okay. This house was made for shit. Do not smell that microphone.

It smells that way immediately. Yeah. There's something going on, especially in the last couple weeks. Even Andrew was like, you've got to go to the doctor. Did you eat before you drank that coffee? Because that's going to fuck. And you showed up having a Red Bull.

Yeah, croissant. I got probiotics upstairs. You want some? What does that do? I don't have a sense of smell. That makes me feel better. Yeah. Anyway, we'll do it later.

But what was I saying? Worst year of your life. Yeah. So and then I had this thing with Brian Callen and Brendan Schaub, a war with them. Oh, God. A war? Yeah. I mean, a war.

Really? Yeah. And then some other things. you know what I mean? But it was like, I mean, I can't even believe. You know what I'm so proud of? You got through it sober. I got through it sober. That fucking rules.

It was insane. Like the worst things that would happen. I was just like, I stayed sober. It was unbelievable. That's amazing, dude. Because your first instinct is like, I want to go to a fucking hotel and just fucking get obliterated. Yes. But it's so hard,

but I'm so gung-ho about it that I'm like calling people and going to meetings and doing it. Oh, that's the best. Yeah, but you know. It's tough, man. But thank God for it. Yeah.

Because I got sober originally when I was 17. Really? Yeah, I stayed sober 13 years then. Wow. Then I got relapsed, then I got sober, stayed sober for 17 years. And when you say relapse, you mean alcohol? Alcohol and weed and those kind of things. And then you were sober 17 years, but you were like

dry. No, the last five years, I was dry. Yeah. But the first, you know, 12 years and I was like doing like the speaker at like huge AA meetings. Like the main speaker. Like, you know, I had a pitch down and you know what I mean? Yeah.

You know what I mean? I'm familiar with the steps and the history of AA. But this time around, it's just been like just real desperate, man. I just, you know, I don't want to die. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I want to live a full life and I want to be present for every moment. And it's been like that,

but it's, oh, can I just also say this? Yeah. It's also been the greatest year of my life because, you know, me and Andrew's podcast is doing well. I'm making good money, you know, and I'm getting laid. Doing more stand-up too, right?

Doing more stand-up. Yeah, so it's been, but that's life. Life is up and down. But if you want to live a big life, this is what happens. You shit your pants in your Prius. You shit your pants in your Prius. Great things happen.

I think one of the best things that's helped me is, because everyone says in recovery, this too shall pass. And you always think of that in terms of like, oh man, when this is bad, it's going to go away. But I have to remember this too shall pass when good things are going on, which means that the good won't always last and the bad will come. But because the good was there, you know that the bad will pass too back to the good. Yeah.

But when good things are happening, you can't think to yourself though that, oh my God, something bad is going to happen. No, no, no things are happening, you can't think to yourself though that, oh my God, something bad's going to happen. No, no, no, no. I'm saying, but when you do have a dip, know that this too shall pass. But also be aware that you can't hold on to that joy. You have to take the joy when it comes. Grab it, kiss it, and let it fly away. Ian's thing is, good things

will happen and he'll be like, I think it's going to go, everything's going to get taken away, it's all going to go, it's all going to go. And that's, I think that's like a trigger for you, for you like i want to i want to like escape before everything is robbed of me so you have to remind yourself like this is going to pass and then i'll get through that and then that'll pass and i'll get through this yeah well a couple of months ago you know i was in a bad spot and people were like saying this too shall pass and when you're in it and i literally believe like i don't know yeah i don't know if this is going to pass yeah but it

did yeah that's how it's like depression and man Yeah. I don't know if this is going to pass. Yeah. But it did. Yeah. So it's like depression and mania always feels where you're like, this is who I am. It does have, it does pass. Things change. You have to hold on.

Yeah. You just know that when you weather the storm, you will get through it. And then there's such beauty in breaking through, especially being uncomfortable and breaking through that for your sober. Yeah. Yeah. Shit.

And you, you get a sense of like, um, I'm proud of myself and i'm stronger than i think i am and also um i just really i think that i i'm i look in the mirror now and i go because you know my whole life i would look in the mirror like a piece of shit you're a piece of human garbage look at you you know kill yourself yeah and that's like the inner like you know i mean tape that keeps playing yeah but now it's been like i look in the mirror and i just go like i was this sounds so stupid it's not comedy but i was taking a bath

maybe a month ago and i rubbed my arm and i go i'm proud of you and i love you i know that feeling i broke into tears yes that's the best it's the best. It's the best. Yeah. And I've never been like that before in my life. I love that. Yeah. I'm like, so like,

dude, I just, I'm sorry. And I love you. And you know, you know, it's, but it's like,

you know, um, yeah, that's, I think this because, um, I'm sober again and I'm really doing it, you know?

Yeah. And you are proving to yourself that you're like taking care of yourself. I know my face looks like I'm about to roast you, but I agree with you. I just have a severe face. Yeah. I'm I it's like, it's crazy when you get to a point where you're like,

because I remember saying out loud to people, I'm treating myself like a pet. Like I'm just feed her, walk her, do not give her alcohol. I hate her, but I'm going to treat her like a pet that I have to babysit because somebody else is going to pick her up and I don't want to get sued.

Yeah. And then on the other side of it, you're like, she's actually pretty great. Yeah. Because she did all this stuff for herself. And the next thing you know, you're like appreciating the person. Also think about though, and we don't think about it because we're comics and stuff, but it's like, um, you know, we, we did something in terms of comedy. That's like so difficult to do.

We don't think that because we're in it. And it's our favorite thing. It's our favorite thing in the whole world, performing and even potting, all that. This is great. But we never think how difficult it was or how scary it was and the risk that we had to take and the bravery that we had.

How many family members just being like, what are you doing? And it's like we did it. It's kind of gross like, we did it. So it's like, it's so kind of gross to even talk about it. But I mean, it is a, there is some truth there

in terms of like, we are, you know, resilient in many ways because a lot of us are damaged and we come from like trauma or whatever.

And we took our trauma and our insecurities and we turned it into a positive in a sense. You know, maybe we, we use this channel to express ourselves. You know what I mean? And have other people resonate with that trauma.

Yeah, it really is a very difficult thing we did. And, you know, we're like, you know, we're brave people. It is true. It's crazy to think about that way, but it's true. It's tough to look at. Yeah, it's hard to say it, but it is the truth. You know what I mean? And you're on stage being like, yeah, and then my vagina queefed, and you're like,

I'm brave. You know what I mean? But it is. You know, it is like other women are being like, yeah, we do fucking queef. And I want to talk about it. That's hilarious, you know? What's also cool is that you, you know, I'm so glad I chose to do this because you meet, you know, I meet like, I would have never met you guys if we weren't in it.

You know what I mean? But it's like, I remember seeing you for the first time when you opened for me and Andrew at the, at the Gramercy. Yeah. I had never seen you before. Yeah. And when I saw you perform, I went,

it was the same feeling I had when I met Schultz years ago, you know, Andrew Schultz. I just went, wow, that's that's god made that it's incredible yeah what a weird thing yeah yeah you know what you look at somebody go that i'd never even thought seen anything like that yes all those parts mashed together made something yeah but it was so original so weird so cool so thank you i mean but it's like and you get to meet people that are like-minded and it's cool, man. Yeah. Yeah. And for people like us, this wouldn't happen without sobriety.

I think so. You know, I have to remember that always. Like I should be dead five times over. Yeah, me too. I was a gutter drunk. Yeah. And I did want to die. And I was drinking myself to death. And as long as I stay sober, like you said, you don't think you can get

through the bad times, but when you do, it's so rewarding and gives you like a boost, you know? And what you just said, the gratitude for it all and connecting it, like the ability I've worked so hard for years to be able to love myself and be the friend to me that I've always been to other people. And, uh, to look back and be like, dude, I really think that little kid that didn't know any pain in the world that left would be so stoked to see me now. Yeah.

And that kid can be proud of me. And that's such a gift of sobriety and life. And I wish that for everyone. And some people aren't fortunate enough to get that. And I truly wish it for people and the fact that we can grab it sometimes and see it is such a fucking beautiful gift and shit fucking rules it's the best yeah i had a moment last night when we had pizza but even before that so you know i've always like you know when you think of new york because i rarely come

here i'm not from here you know know what I mean? And when I remember the first time I came to New York, I was like so overwhelmed by it. You know, the buildings and the folklore and the. I puked immediately. I feel like a day here. I was just like, whoa. But last night it struck me. I was I went to the cellar. I didn't have a spot and I was going to just stay in my hotel room. I go to the cellar, you know what I mean? And, you know, I ran into Schultz, Rosebud Baker, all these people, hugs, laughs, you know what I mean? And then going to all the rooms and being able to walk into any room I want, you know what I mean? Because, you know, because I'm a comic, you know what I mean?

And then seeing Ian, we had pizza and it was just like, it was just like a dream you know and i remember going to my hotel room like in the shower and i just kind of smiled and went wow this is that's everything i've ever really even it's legendary shit at yeah what i you know i dreamt about this as a young man you know but it's it's happened you know i mean where i feel like going to the going to the other city like i felt that i've gone to la before and i've been like what am i doing here nobody asked me to be here i'm jumping on show you know what i mean like i live in new york what's happening and the feeling of going to la now and being like what's knowing people yeah like i don't even live here and all my friends are here how's that possible it is like a it's like a wealth of the best stuff yeah it's it's really cool man you know my mom is always like remember you you're

living the dream and everybody knows it. And I'm like, all right. Your mom says that? Oh, yeah. My mom is like, you literally get to hang out with your friends all day and laugh. I mean, we're so lucky. I think everyone can, I mean, not everyone can do stand-up, but everyone has their

thing, you know what I mean? But because of fear and society telling them that they can't do it or whatever it just never or some people try and then they stop because it does you're in the suck for so long but to get past that and i mean like i live for little winks and nods from the universe of like hey man you're on the right path look how fortunate you are and that thing of like not wanting to leave the hotel room i do that all the time yeah i'm like dude everybody hates you you suck don't go out and then when i force myself to go out good things happen and more often than

not people are like oh i'm so glad you were here this is great and then you're on the street you pick up people you get p it's the best and you just have to get through that uncomfortability of being like no just, just go out. Just like they say in the program, show up, move your body and the mind will follow. Whoa. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I forgot that you're sober. Yeah. Yeah. And I knew we were like, you know, uh,

I told you last night that I think you're a white version of me in many ways. So, so true. You think so? Very similar. Yeah. On stage and everything.

Yeah. It's similar. The mania and stuff. Mania. Yeah. You think so? Very similar. Yeah, on stage and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's similar. The mania and stuff. Mania? Yeah, you guys are maniacs on stage. You're jumping around. Last time I saw you on stage, your dick was basically out.

I mean, your whole... Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the VU. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like getting naked. Yeah, me too. Do you?

Yeah. I used to get naked at parties and my friends would turn the lights off and go, there's a ghost! And then I'd run out and go, ooh! Yeah, yeah too. Do you? Yeah. I used to get naked at parties and my friends would turn the lights off and go, there's a ghost. And then I'd run down and go, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that about us that like to do that?

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. It's a gift. I don't know if it's a gift. I think it's a curse. Well, you guys are little units. You guys are little units.

You know what I mean? No, I don't. I don't know. You're little packed units. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. You know, like me and No, I don't know. You're a little packed units. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. You know,

I got a unit taking our clothes off. It's like long, lanky, long things are going play. You guys are just little nuggets. I used to, I used to go, do you guys want to hear my favorite song? And I'd slap my dick against my belly.

Yeah. And go, yeah. Yeah. There's something animalistic about both of us. It's animalistic. Yeah. Yeah.

Even though I remember my friend killed herself in high school. Right? And I couldn't, like, I was at her funeral. It was at a church. You got naked? Not to get naked, but, like, my friends were sitting around me and I stuck the head of my penis outside of my jeans. Amazing. Just the head out, right?

And my friend looked at it and we just all started dying. What is that about? Is that a self, So I don't feel. I think. Yeah. What is that? It's weird. It's weird.

Every funeral I'm at, I become like the, uh, just the, a crowd work. Yeah. I know. Right. It's so real that we have to like turn it into something. You have to break the tension. Yeah. And laugh.

And I think that happens to only certain people. Like when, after my dad died a couple of weeks later, we were all in my living room and someone was like, you should be a comedian, get up and do some jokes. And the first thing that came out of my mouth was, my dad died a few weeks ago and my grandfather's raising me and he acts like this. And they're like, don't do that. You're making it sad.

You know, like, I don't know. I think comics just have this natural inclination to just, to deal with the uncomfortability of life through humor. And what better gift than making people laugh? And when everyone's sad, if you can make them laugh, that feels amazing. I grew up being very I was like super heavy, very like mall gothy, really bullyable person. And so I just my whole way of not having people go, hey, you're 900 pounds and you have issues with your family was just to make everybody laugh because everybody's laughing. Yeah.

She didn't stand up at her dad's funeral. Yeah. I mean, that is it. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she wore a little vest. I got in trouble because my dad when my dad died in the hospice, I took a selfie, but then I sent it to the Hudson's. You know who the Hudson's are?

No. Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson. And then Oliver texts me right away and goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? And in my mind, I'm like, oh, that's not fun to do. Wait, you took a selfie? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, Oliver just texted me the other day because I wrote a song about it.

And he finally heard the song about him. And he laughed on my. Wait, can you play the song? What was the song? It was called Daddy While You Die. Oh. Yeah. And he heard that, you know, you sent the selfie to your Hudson.

That's in the lyrics. That's in the lyrics, yeah. In the lyrics. And then he texted the other day, laughing, you know what I mean? He had just found out about it. but yeah, I actually did that. That's insane. I still have the selfie in my fucking phone. Can I please see it?

You sent it to them? Immediately. Immediately. I think the Hudson's would like this. Oh my gosh! And like, Kate Hudson was just like, what the fuck is wrong with them? They're from like Hollywood royalty. Are you wrong with them? And you know what I mean? Because they're from like Hollywood royalty. Are you close with them?

Not really. Not really. I've done that shit so much where the idea's in your head and you're like, it's done. It's already been done. I had it and now it's gone. Dude, I'm crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, in my mind, I'm like, that's okay to do.

You know what I mean? In a time like this? They need this. My dad died. They need to see my face. Immediately when he died. He dies, selfie,

boom, sent. Unbelievable. Like a button was pushed that led to a selfie going to the Hudson's. But then like, in retrospect,

I'm like, maybe that wasn't the first people I should have done. It's like the domino effect just leads to the selfie to the Hudson's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so funny. Because I thought maybe, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. Yeah, yeah. Because I thought maybe, you know what I mean, like, you know. My dad died and I just fucked every man. Maybe Goldie Hawn or Kurt Russell is going to look at it or whatever, you know what I mean? Was it like a crying selfie? No, it was kind of like Wow. You're like, I need the world to see I'm okay.

The world is Hudson. Yeah, it was like one of those. That's great. The reason why I know that is because I was on a sitcom with Oliver. Okay. I was his best friend on the sitcom, right? So I'm like, when you're on a sitcom

with stars and stuff, when you're on it with them, you can text them stuff. I wouldn't do it now. I haven't talked to him in a while. What year was this? Three years ago. The text sitcom thing is great. My roommate is on a sitcom and he'll be like, I think I just text

Joel McHale a really weird thing. And I'm like, yeah, stop. Put your phone down. I think there's a mania behind it where you're just like, it's done. It's done. I would do that, but not with a dead. I would do like the man, John. Be like, Merry Christmas. You know? Yeah's done, son. I would do that, but not with a dead... I would do like the man, John. Be like, Merry Christmas! You know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We don't know. Like we talked about earlier with the lines, you know what I mean? I just do things, you know what I mean? But it's like,

maybe that's not the best way to live life. It is. Louis said Ricky Gervais would send him ones with his boobs. He would make boobs out of his chest. Yeah. And Louis was telling me about this and he was like,

I had to be like, hey Ricky, I don't want any more of these on my phone. You have to stop. I think Ricky's response was just like, I've been like, hey, did you know I got a new tattoo and it's me naked with my new tattoo right here. I don't want to see your penis.

That's great. That's a fun thing. It's a fun thing. It's a salt now, but I know. But sometimes you have to put the comedy guy away. Yes. I think Hudson Selfie is that comedy guy.

I think he should be born every day. I think he should be locked away. No, I think he should come out. I think that's amazing. If you explain something to somebody

that's so absurd as my father died, I sent a selfie to the Hudsons. If you have three non sequiturs coming together in one moment, I think it's beautiful. I think that's beautiful.

But like one time I told a joke in front of like big actors and it didn't go well. Yeah. I mean, so sometimes you have to kind of go, don't do that there. Right, right. I'll just tell you the story.

I was in a couple of years ago, I was in Hungary, maybe three years ago. and I booked this movie with Cate Blanchett my favorite actress Jamie Lee Curtis and the nicest people in the world but the first day I was there

in Hungary I got a letter from Jamie Lee Curtis going I don't know you but tomorrow because we had to quarantine, so everyone had to kind of just be in this hotel. But downstairs, would you like to go on a walk? So meet me downstairs tomorrow. So I'm like nervous

because it's like, you know, I'm like, this is your chance. This is your chance to be a normal human being and just to reinfect yourself. Nice to meet you. I loved your tits in trading places. So I meet her and then a bunch of other actors on the movie,

you know, and she's like, let's take a walk. And I go, okay, let's walk. You're trying to smash? No, no, no. It was like,

Penn was there from Penn and Teller. Okay. He was in the movie. She's like, let's take a walk. You're like, let's go. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

She's like, this fucking freak. This great actor named Che let's go She's like this fucking freak This great actor named Cheyenne Jackson Who's like this theater guy Handsome whatever Broadway guy And so we go by this river And there's these bronze shoes That's on the edge of this river

I know Like Hemingway shoes I don't know what is a Hemingway shoe Like dead shoes dead person Yeah they're like bronze shoes Because of the Holocaust And when the Nazis Went in

You know what I mean They shot a bunch of Jews And threw them in the river The Holocaust How many Jews I don't know I didn't count the shoes Oh sorry sorry

Yeah yeah yeah What the fuck How many Jews Not how many shoes How many Jews I don't know how many Jews I didn't ask Turn it off

Sorry You're right It's off So then like And Jamie is like Explaining to us I don't know how many Jews. I didn't ask. Turn it off. Sorry. You're right. It's off. So then like, and Jamie is like explaining to us like back in the day, you know what I mean? About the Holocaust? About the Holocaust. And, you know, that's why these bronze shoes are here, because it's like they used to shoot people from Jewish people from Hungary, throw them in the river. Yeah.

Which is a very sad thing. Of course. Yeah. So brutal. Yes. sad thing. Of course. Yeah, it's so brutal. Yes. And then Cheyenne Jackson, this man, he looks at these little

shoes and he goes, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, a little boy got shot, right? Because of these little shoes. And I don't know why but I go, it could have been a midget! Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Equal representation Equal representation Somebody's gotta say it Yeah, somebody's gotta say it Somebody's gotta say it No

They all turned away And they walked No way Freezing down the river No It was my second day there And you hung yourself Like a Jewish person

No, I was looking at the shoes I was looking at the shoes No, no, no I was just like Man It was my second day there. And you hung yourself like a Jewish person? I was looking at the shoes. I was just looking after I said it. I was just like, man, you fucked up. You're a fucking asshole. In that moment, you were the Japanese farmer and that bomb just dropped. You just take off your shoes and leave them there

and jump to the river? Oh, did you apologize? No, they didn't talk to me for like a week. No. Yeah, because they started production. I wasn't in the first week, you know, because I had to quarantine this and that. But, you know, you had to quarantine for a week. So I just bought myself.

It was a tough seven days. I do that with everybody. Anybody I'm supposed to not. Yeah, yeah. I had a friend who was like, this girl's coming over. She's bald. She has alopecia. She's wearing a wig.

She walked in and I could, I said bald so many times. Everything I said was bald. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, nectarine? It's like a peach, but it's bald. It was crazy. If I'm not supposed to do it, I do it. I can't help it. But what is it about us? We have to learn to filter that out.

Man, sometimes. I don't think so. I think we'll die insane. No, you do have to learn to not... I'm not filtering it. You have to learn to be able to say the thing quick, but you also have to have a little filter that goes, no, no, not that. I want that. I need more of that. No, no, not that.

This guy on the plane recognized me. He's like, you're a comedian, Jordan Jones. I was like, yeah, what do you do? We were getting off the plane and he goes, I sell, you know, I work with law enforcement. And I just, I knew I shouldn't say it, but I went, ah, well, don't arrest me. And I just walked off the plane going, don't arrest me? What am I, what is wrong this guy just like

that's not the same as looking at little baby dead shoes and going midget oh sorry guys I meant to show you this picture of my dead father that's genuinely yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah everybody's silent and all their phones go

and you just yeah oh god I fucking love it dude you're the fucking best man phones got bloop. And you just. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. I fucking love it. Dude, you're the fucking best. Thanks for having me on. It's been so fun. Thank you so much.

Are we done? Yeah. That was good. This is so much fun, man. I was looking forward to it. Oh, that means a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Do you have fun? Yeah. I had a fucking blast. I had fun too. I had fun too. I love you guys. This was amazing. Love you too, man.

What a great ride. You want to plug your plugs? Yeah. When does it come out? I don't know. Next Friday. Well, I just want to let you know that, you know does it come out? I don't know. Next Friday. Well, I just let you know that, you know, bad friends in the fall we're going to tour against will be Denver,

Minnesota, all these other places that we haven't hit this run. But yeah, come check us out. And I have two podcasts, Bad Friends and Tiger Belly. Yes. Check them out. Good. Yes. Jordan. I'm going to be in San Francisco. I'm going to be in Toronto this weekend, but that's after I'm gonna be in San Francisco I'm gonna be in Toronto this weekend but that's after

I'm gonna be I don't know jordangensoncomedy.com a lot of stuff in August I'm gone all month please check it out June 30th to July 2nd Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club San Antonio Texas see you there and then I will be

Helium Buffalo Breakdown Comedy Tulsa Oklahoma Antonio, Texas. See you there. And then I will be helium Buffalo, breakdown comedy, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Rochester, Toronto. Put the pig hand away. You're right. That's a gay hand. Man hand.

IanFidance.com for dates. Patreon.com slash beanie and pod. We love you. Thanks for digging the show. You guys are the best. And Bobby, we love you, man. Thank you. Yeah.

Oh God, stop. Okay. guys are the best and uh bobby we love you man thank you yeah oh god stop okay