Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 049: Taser Tag W/ Mark Normand

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

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Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

Oh, you can do better than that. All right. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard you were bad at blowing. Welcome to another episode of Be An Idiot with Jordan. I am so happy to be here with Jordan and our fun, fun friend, Mark Norman. Hey, should I get some serial killer glasses or no?

Yes. Well, do you have another pair? Well, I got the pit vipers. Yeah. Can you go grab my bad sunglasses that Jordan hates upstairs? They're so bad. Thank you. Please don't.

Yes. Pit vipers. Old ski pals. Yeah. That's right Thank you. Please don't. Yes. Pit Vipers, old ski pals. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. We have a blast skiing.

Oh, so fun. I had to leave early, but that was a great trip. Then you got into a weird fight with Andy. Oh, it was amazing. He's the only guy who smokes on the slopes.

He's going down the slopes with a Marlboro red. Yeah, it's great. Wasn't there something on this trip where somebody said something fucked up and Mark was like, that's fucked up? Oh, I No, no, no. I was laughing

about this video of this man getting mauled by pit bulls to death. But the only audio you hear is the Spanish woman in the car narrating. And so you see the most horrific thing ever, but you hear the woman go, Ay, Belinda.

No, Belinda. And I told Ranazizi, and we were dying laughing. I showed him the video. We're on the ski lift crying, laughing. Ay, Belinda. And then I sent it to him, and he showed you, but he didn't have the sound on.

So he just showed you, apropos of nothing, a video of a man getting mauled to death by a pit bull. And you dropped all your humor. It was like, I think that's the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. And he goes, Ian said it, Ian said it. And I'm just up in my room alone giggling. And I'm like, oh

fuck. Yeah, I didn't love it. But once I saw the, or heard the audio, I was on board. Yeah, that's gold. That's so funny though. But yikes, that was a scary video. Oh, I didn't love it. But once I saw the, I heard the audio, I was on board. Yeah, yeah. That's gold. That's so funny, though. But yikes, that was a scary video. Oh, I know.

It was horrible. We'll put it in right now. Yes. Rick Glassman, at it? Yeah. Can you throw me my shades? Yeah, so we were out

to slopes and this guy... No, I told him not to get them. It is, it's dehumanizing. All right, go ahead. This guy sponsored our, or he didn't sponsor, but he was like fans

and he gave us all these free shit. Really cool. Come on, I look like a proud boy. I know. It's amazing. Yes, and I'm the Oathkeeper. Yeah. And you look like Trantifa. I want to be the...

What's the Oathkeeper? I don't know. I want to be the... The big elf guy? Yes, yes, yes. The shaman. The shaman. I'm so attracted to that man.

He was hot. Oh, my God, he was hot. He had such a good body. And he was nice. But he was a vegan. Oh, yeah, that was so funny. He gets thrown in jail, and he's like, I'm being abused. They're not giving me vegan food.

Yeah, and I was like, you're not the fun guy, the tough, crazy yak man. I thought you were supposed to be the wacky yak. He had the peace pipe. That makes sense for him. He was like, we should all smoke weed, calm down. Did you see the videos that they never released? They followed him around. Police were escorting him, and people were yelling, and he goes, brothers, we got to be nice.

He's the best. He was so polite. Sweet man. So funny. Well, the FBI is the one that spearheaded the breaking into the Capitol. He'll be doing Stan. He got passed in the cellar last week, so he's doing all right. Yeah.

That big guy got passed. Who? Recently. The guy we met last night, the Canadian guy. What's that guy's name? Canadian guy. Big tall Canadian guy. The only Canadian I like is Nathan McIntosh and Phil Hanley.

There you go. And I barely like Phil. Graham K. Oh, Graham K. Norm MacDonald. Norm MacDonald. No, I meant at the cellar. I see.

I'm going to Canada tomorrow. Why? I'm going to do Santino and Bobby's thing, and then I'm going to headline Comedy Bar. Oh, I just did that. It's a great room. Is it fun? It's super fun. Oh, good.

I'm there in August. Hell yeah. 18th and 19th. We're all doing the same shit, huh? Yeah, they're bringing us all up there. It's a great room. Is it fun? It's super fun. Oh, good. I'm there in August. Hell yeah. 18th and 19th. We're all doing the same shit, huh? Yeah, they're bringing us all up there. It's great. Go Jays. Yes.

No. The Blue Jays beat the Phillies in the 93 World Series. Three-two count. Mitch Williams throws a slider. Joe Carter over the wall. Walk-off home run. I was at a Flyers game, and I started sobbing. They made my mom take me home.

Go Jays. Fuck you. Is the hotel good? I don't remember. Okay. You just did it. Yeah, I don't remember the hotel. It's all a blur. Do you ever forget where you are? I ran into Sam Murill on the plane and he's like, where are you coming from? And I was like,

I have no idea. It was yesterday and I was like, it's a blur. I forget if I'm at a Westin, a Marriott, a Comfort, a Residence. I think I and I was like, it's a blur. I forget if I'm at a Westin, a Marriott, a Comfort, a Residence. I think I'm going Holiday. I think I'm doing Holiday Inn, girl. I think I'm becoming a member. I love Holiday. Middle of the Road Hotel is the way to go. The Four Seasons is too much. They have a whole room of

candy. Where? At the Four Seasons. The Vault. I didn't know about that. They have candy. They have a ton of shit. I like Middle of the Road. Give me a balcony or like a fucking little trashy area to hang out in the back. Free coffee. Free coffee. Free Wi-Fi. Free breakfast. Amazing.

Holidays are not quite free coffee level. Oh, really? The Hampton Inn and the... Oh, you're saying true by holiday. True by holiday will be... That's a little downgraded. Holiday Inn is like pool, breakfast that costs money. What? Yeah. Damn, things have, breakfast that costs money. What? Yeah.

Damn, things have changed. They have changed. Who's charging money for a continental breakfast at a fucking holiday inn? Communists. Yeah. Brutal. I love a continental breakfast. Love it.

I just got into the Delta Lounge. What are we doing? Oh, don't get me started on the lounge. Nothing better is Delta. Love the Delta Lounge. I love Delta so much. You know. They need to hire a couple. They need to hire a couple. They need to hire a couple white servers.

Yeah, you got me. Oh, you hit sack. But yeah, I love the lounge. Big fan. Is there anything. You know, I have a theory. Do you remember Mulaney's bit about Delta? And he goes, because we're Delta Airlines.

And where was it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a little bitch boy or whatever. Yeah. Delta, and he goes, because we're Delta Airlines. And where was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a little bitch boy or whatever. Yeah. Ever since then, Delta has increased their service. And that is the top tier airline.

Can I have some ibuprofen? Oh, Jesus Christ. Can you please get me those sunglasses? Can I have three? Legit, I'm upset that they have glasses and I don't. Can you please? Thank you. Can I have four of them?

Oh, God. What are you, cramps? What happened? I have a bad headache. Ah. And I... Ian? They're upstairs on the counter.

Red pass. The ibuprofen. Ibuprofen. Good for spotting. Be nice. I am being nice. You're being a cunt. I...

Don't demand him around. I didn't know we were going to be sunglass friends. Be nice to him. I'm just upset that I don't have the sunglasses. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

Thank you. You're right. What do you think about my money idea? Are we off the lounge? We don't talk about money. Okay. Can we talk about this? The lounge.

Okay. First of all, this, the sparkling water versus normal water, that thing where you choose your flavors. Unbelievable. Yeah. The little kale where you choose your flavors. Unbelievable. Yeah. The little kale salads.

Great. The oatmeal tub. Great. The berries. Great. It's crazy. And you can take fruit to go. Oh, I'd take everything to go. I'd take everything to go.

Pocket all the granola bars. Take it to go. Cottage cheese, fruit, amazing breakfast. Oh, all right, old man. Cottage cheese. Come on. Where are you going? What are you, bird watching?

You're in the fucking employee lounge. You don't like cottage cheese and fruit? Oh, it's the best. Where are you going? What are you bird watching? You're in the fucking employee lounge. You don't like cottage cheese and fruit? Oh, it's the best. It's a good, delicious meal. What do you think about the people that are in there on the phone loud? What? Oh, that sucks. Doesn't everybody hate that? Yeah. Did you think we were going to be

like, it's great. It seems like it's a place to go. Like, people are conference calling in there. Like, it's normal. Oh go. People are conference calling in there. It's normal. They're very busy people in there. Very busy people. But they go to the workstation. I'm over by the food and the carving guy. Is there anything better than randomly meeting up

with a friend at the airport? Finding out you're on the same plane. Really? I hate it. I want my private time. Right in the corridor is fun. A hug and go? But that's not what's happening. I like a hug and hang. That's fun.

You're the worst to run into. One time, there was a Punisher comic and he goes, I'm on that flight. And I was like, oh, that's crazy. And he goes, oh yeah, I'm in that row. And I was like, no. And then he was like, I'm in the seat next to you. And I was like, no. That's the worst thing that could happen to you. I can beat you there, though. One time, I was like, no. And then he's like, I'm in the seat next to you. And I was like, no. And it was. Oh, that's tough. That's the worst thing that could happen to me.

I can beat you there, though. Oh, God. One time I was flying to Alberta. What's that club up there? The Laugh Shop. Fan or whatever listener next to me. And he goes, I don't want to be this guy. Yeah.

But can I get a photo? And I go, yeah, we'll get a photo. That's before we even took off. And then he goes, I don't want to be this guy. But what's Shane Gillis like? How tall is Rogan? What's Sam Murillo like? I'm like, come on.

That was like a three-hour flight to hell. Did you go at one point, hey, I gotta... I can't. I can't. I put the earbuds in. I put these glasses on. I put on a hat, a clan hood, pajamas, the blanket, nothing. He's still penetrated?

You acted like a sitting man around women. You put the... He's just hiding in a bush. I had a wig on. The guy recognized me on the most recent flight home. He was like, I'm sorry, are you a comedian? And I was like, yes. And then as soon as I answered the question,

it was headphones and it was sleep. I had to go full sleep, but I could feel the eyes flickering over. You could feel it completely the whole time. The feeling is enough to make you want to go insane. But were you in first class? If you're in first class, that shouldn't be allowed. No, I wasn't. Okay, great. I wasn't in first class. You want to hear a wild like meat

thing on an airplane? I'm sitting in a seat and this white guy covered in tattoos and a black guy come up and the white guy goes, hey. The ant word? Would you take his window? You want a window seat? Do you mind if you take his?

And my friend sits with me. I'm like, yeah, no problem. There you go. So I sit right in front of him and he goes, oh, your tattoos. Uh oh. I go there. Do you know? And I go, yeah.

Do you know? And we're like, yeah. Oh, I love that. And we're like, I love it, I love bonding over tattoos I hate that Thank you Nice No drugs?

Hell yeah Alright, you look like a blind pianist And then the ibuprofen should be in the cabinet You just said it's on the counter You're so annoying Look, man, I'm doing like 10 things at once. Don't just lie.

It's okay. I'll suffer. There's Tylenol upstairs. It's fine. Anyway, long story short, I'm at fucking Mothership and I'm at Rogan's Club. I walk up to it. Those guys are standing outside.

I go, what are you doing here? They go, what are you doing here? I go, I'm on the show. And they go, I'm best friends with Joe, and I'm doing his podcast tomorrow. They're hanging out in the green room. The white guy's a lawyer. The black guy just got out of prison 30 years, three weeks ago for a crime he didn't commit. Wow, they always say that.

But wow. Crazy, right? Who were they? I mean, they're on the show. Wow, they always say that. But wow. Crazy, right? Who were they? I mean, they're on the show. The Dindas? All right, so you met Jordan Peterson and Brian Simpson. Fun. But isn't that just such a weird, random, cosmic thing?

But people fly to go to that club. They'll fly to Austin just to go to that room. Oh, yeah. It's great. There's a line around the block. I wonder how many repeat people they have. Oh, yeah. It's great. There's a line around the block. It's a special place. I wonder how many repeat people they have. Yeah, I'm sure a lot. I saw a guy

get proposed to his lady there. It's one of those places. Oh, that Eiffel Tower? One of those places? People do that? Yeah, it's like that. Oh, really? It's like a landmark? I hate Austin so much. What would you do if somebody publicly proposed to you? Like at a sporting event. Oh, the Jumbotron. What would you do if somebody publicly proposed to you?

Like at a sporting event. Oh, the Jumbotron. You would like that? Of course. I'm not a stupid bitch. I want it to be in private with only my mom. No, I want the world to know and I want to fucking hump the air. Really? Are you kidding me? What if you're bummed?

I'll say no publicly. Ethan, you hear that? Alright. You would like, what about like a flash mob asking you thing where people learn to dance and stuff? Oh, that would be hell. What? I would hate that. No, my dad

made me dance down the aisle for his wedding and it was the worst thing I've ever done. What? He made everybody dance to their places. I hate that. Don't make me do something, but you can do anything publicly. What kind of dance? Just like, you know. What?

That's kooky. Remember that YouTube video where they had people dancing down the... Wait, did they dance down the aisle or they danced to their seats when they get introduced into the wedding hall? Because that's normal. The bridesmaids danced

and the bridesgrooms or whatever danced down the aisle. I've never heard of this. To the altar. To the altar. Yes, it was. I don't believe you're confusing it. Pull it up.

What is wrong with you? You think I'm crazy? What do you mean? Yeah, this is an old man's wedding. He was like 60 or no, he wasn't. He died. He was 55. And then he was like, I want everybody.

This is my big request. Everybody's got to do a dance to the music when you're coming down the aisle. Like instead of doing the like dumb, dumb. Yeah. Really? Like a conga line. Yes. He was like, oh, OK. That's fun. I was picturing like twerking and stuff. I didn't know what was going on. A little like that. All right. More of that than conga line. Mark had a big jazz band blues thing at his wedding. Oh, we heard all about that. That was fun. We went all out. It was a good time. I heard all about this wedding. That was fun. We went all out.

It was a good time. I think your opener was there. Yeah, my boy. Yeah, he's cute. He's the best. He's a little twink of a... He's so tiny. Stop it. So tiny.

He is objectively tiny. I love him. Yeah, he's great. He's not that small. 5'6". I'll tell you. 5'10". Yeah.

Are you? Yeah. Why? In heels. I always feel like we're the same size. You guys both got these silly, silly hair masks. Well, these give us a half inch. I'll tell you that.

I love these. Yeah. I won't wear any other shoe now because I can't go back down. The Air Maxes are the best. Atta baby. Oh, look at those. It's like sole and a half. Look at that heel.

That's why I wear Hoka's. They'll stack you up. Oh, really? Yeah. What are Hoka's? Hoka's are like old man sneakers They're squishy running shoes They're good for the vertebrae Maybe I need to get that for my back

That would be very good for you Send me a link You know what? Do you want better? I'll bring you a bunch of pairs, I got a million No way Women's shoes I wear women's deodorant. You think I'm wearing women's shoes? Good point. Get the fuck out of here.

Okay, look at these hands. What's up? You wear man's shoes? They're women's, but it's all the same. Look at these. My hands are... Look at that. Whoa! Those are big hands. Look at the bottom of our hands. How's the clit? Probably easy to find

on this tree truck. It looks like that. Oh, nice. Looks like that Tylenol bottle. Oldest red. It cures your headache. Too much will make you sick. It's bad for your liver.

You can't let dogs eat it. I bet a dog licking a clit would really be tremendous. I know. Because the licking is very impressive and quick. Very impressive. Feathery even. Yeah. What dogs do you see lick quick?

They lick sloppy. No, they don't. No, we're not talking about cartoons. They don't go la la la la la la. Yes, they do. Drinking water. Cats do that. Picture when drinking water. They don't go. Yes, they do. Drinking water. Cats do that. Picture when drinking water. Dogs slop water up.

Cats. You don't want the cat, though, because they got that sandpaper tongue. Sandpaper tongue. That might be good, though. Oh, okay. Ew. Totally. What?

Are you kidding me? You don't think a little friction is good? No, not a cat tongue. We all grew up with a guy who had a chipped tooth, and we fucked him a bunch of times, and we were all like, the tooth, bro. The half tooth. When he pulls it through there, what are we doing? What are we doing?

I'm looking for a guy that's getting his teeth chomped down like he's getting veneers. Yeah. Sometimes you got to do it tough. Hey, before you fix that root canal, why don't you eat this big old clit? Yeah. Jim Carrey, dumb and dumber. He's got a chip. Oh, yeah.

That would have been good. That's his real teeth, by the way. Yes. No, it's not. Jim Carrey, dumb and dumber. He's got a chip. Oh, yeah. That would have been good. That's his real teeth, by the way. Yes. No, it's not. Jim Carrey. What? Loves Cannibal Corpse. What's that?

It's a death metal band. They're the band in Ace Ventura that's playing when he is like dancing like that. Oh, really? He loves that band and he got them in the movie. Oh, cool. Yeah. I love that. Kind of like us in the movie Tomorrow.

Yeah. I mean, yesterday. No. You have a booger in your nose. Oh, cool. I love that. Kind of like us in the movie tomorrow. I mean, yesterday. No, you have a booger in your nose. Oh, good. Oh, what a bummer. Now it's just hanging there. A little disco ball. You're good. Let me see. Oh, yeah. You got it. It might be skin also because I've been blowing my nose all day.

So, Mark, tell us. You're a gay man. Sure. Not easy. It's hard tell us. You're a gay man. Sure. Not easy. It's hard out there. Although it's Pride Month. Yes. And it can't end soon enough. How come Juneteenth is the same month as... Oh, they don't like it.

They don't like it? They don't like it. They all want the attention at once. Wait, but what is Juneteenth? That was when the slaves were killed. The anniversary of the last slave being emancipated. How do we move gay pride month to Oh

That's not good That was not good Speaking of brown That was That was not good Oh you emancipated that You should be fun I let it free

Yeah That brown boy running down your leg Might be a Lincoln log I'm gonna get the disease that you got from eating ass Oh my god Who got a disease He got Years ago.

I got H. pylori. What? You got head by lori. Careful out there. What is H. pylori? It's a virus you get from consuming feces. Whose ass did you eat? It's a long story.

My ass. Wait, what were the symptoms? Because I've gotten sick from eating ass. Oh, you have? Yeah. Stop. You guys are disgusting. I guess, but I never went to the doctor, so I guess maybe I got H. pylori.

Probably. Yeah, it's. What were your symptoms? Big stomach, white tongue, shit in water, sweaty, puffy. I was bloated. Oh. You're not supposed to eat poop. It's really the last thing you're supposed to eat.

He's not eating it on a plate. The woman just probably didn't want it. Just use your hands. Don't stick your tongue in people's butts. But it was all the rage. Good. That doesn't mean you have to do it. Yes, you do. It's really funny with you and the pit viper. It was cool. It was a big thing.

Everybody was doing it. You have a proton pack next to you. Oh, yeah. But everybody told me it was goobit there I said no Don't cross the street A guy tried to get me To eat his ass once

He just kept inching And inching and inching And I was like bro Not in a million years I'd have to cut my whole tongue off I don't want it to me I don't want anybody Eating my ass

Really? It's tickle torture to me It feels so good It's such a I hear that Fun tickle I feel guilty It feels like a tickle

But you like getting your ass eaten No I squirm away. I kick them in the head. My ass is like Jordan's nose. It's got shit in it. It's boogers. It's bad. I don't want it.

There's a rubber band in there and a gummy bear. Really? Yes. There's shit in my ass. Stop. Stop. Stop. I shit out of my ass.

Stop. Stop. I know you do, but when you say there's shit in my ass, it makes me think it's hanging out there right now. It might be. No, but I shit out of my ass. I know you do, but when you say there's shit in my ass, it makes me think it's hanging out there right now. It might be. No, but I shit out of my ass. No, I have the cleanest asshole ever. If anything, there's a little bit of blood because I chafe it.

I get that too. Yeah. And the anal. Do you have OCD? A little obsessive compulsive? Well, sometimes just keep wiping. It won't stop. It's the old magic marker.

I had a roommate in college who would only wipe three times and then stop. That's weird. And he had the stinkiest nether region. Because you don't stop wiping until you stop seeing color. Oh, my God. Yeah. And this motherfucker was. Gentrify it.

He just made a rule for himself? A three wipe and leave. How do you know that? That's crazy. We called him Grundle Pimp because his grundle smelled so bad. That's a heavy metal band. Grundle Pimp. You should have gotten him

wet wipes just because that would help him. He would just sit with his girlfriend on his lap and watch anime in his little computer. How do you know he only wiped three times? Because he told us. He adamantly refused and thought we were fucked up for wiping longer because because it's like bad for your butt. You got to get him a bidet for Christmas.

I never I don't talk to him anymore. For sure. It's not my life anymore. I think I'm hanging out with shit ass. I already got her on the podcast. I noticed you changed positions there, old slimy butt. I'm trying to make the camera known. I have a small clitoris and a clean ass.

All right. Okay. Old swamp ass over here. We've got the dark valley of hell. We're going to get my asshole bleached on the pod. It's Valhalla. Bring your friend, William. Maybe you can do a double.

I know. Oh, he needs a power wash, not a bleach. Oh, he needs the paint chiseled off. Drawn and quartered. Yeah, waterboard. Waterboard square. What's the grossest thing that's ever happened in sex besides the coli poisoning? You know, not much.

One time I was banging a gal in the pooper. This is all years ago. And there was a big old glob on the hog. On the underside? Hold on. Shit happens. Anytime you say

hold on, hold on, it bombs. That's why I do it. That's the bit. Is it? Yes. You sound like you're justifying yourself as much as... I knew it was I'm I want it to. It's a that's the bit. Is it? Yes. Is it? Yeah. Shit ass. You sound like you're justifying yourself as much as I knew it was going to bomb. What do you think? I'm going to kill with shit.

All right. Anyway, what the fuck? So you pulled your dick. You pulled your dumb bitch. Where's the taser? You pulled your dick out of a woman. Get away from me. Sorry.

All right. Oh, man, that brings me back. Holy shit. That was terrifying. All right. Oh, man, that brings me back. Holy shit. That was terrifying. Good Lord. You got to take it easy there, fudge. Crap. Good Lord.

That scared the hell out of me, old brown eye. You got to warn a brother when you're gonna pop a taser. Jeez Louise. Take it easy, Katrina Rump. Even your fucking scared face was like a Mark Norman impression of yourself. I didn't see it coming.

That pop, it got me. Oh my god, alright. Woo wee! Oh, that is so funny. Oh my god. Balloon eye Woo-wee. Oh, that is so funny. Balloon Knot Jensen got you. Oh, my God. Balloon Knot? Let a guy know there.

Balloon Knot? Balloon Knot. What? You know when you nod a balloon? Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? Get me a balloon. You just said Balloon Knot.

The whole point is poop, you idiot. That's what it is. All right, Mudbottom. Let's get back to the show, huh? Oh, Balloon knot. The whole point is poop. All right, Mudbottom. Let's get back to the show, huh? All right. Balloon knot. You got Mudbottom jeans. Old tiny little butthole Jordan.

I'm doing it right, guys. That moon's got an eclipse. All right. The dark moon arises. We know what. Balloonie. Spy balloon.

It's not a spy balloon. The spy balloon was very white and pure. Good point. Good point. I want to shoot it down. Yeah. This is a Russian balloon

but not a spy balloon. It's a black heroin balloon. You're smuggling it. It's like that new Titanic sub. You wish it would disappear. Dude, that sub is crazy. I know. I feel bad. What happened?

Nobody wished it would disappear. None of your jokes make sense. None of your jokes make sense. What's wrong with you? There's eight men inside of it. There's been eight men inside of it. It's thick. It's black and it goes right to the bottom. It smells like the sea.

Yeah. You can't, once you go down, you don't come back up. And if you're in it too long, you lose oxygen. Nice. Okay.

It has a tiny little window. Yes. Yes. And there's a little boy in it. Hey. Counting. There is. That kid's son.

That guy's son is in there. There's a boy in it? Oh, really? There's a boy in the bubble? No. He's like 17. Whoa. And his dad, you know his dad bullied him into doing it.

His dad's there. And then two other, like his dad bullied him into doing it. His dad's there and then two other like, or maybe three other old guys. And I bet after they die, they'll stink like shit. That's so bad. That is incredibly bad. I did it on purpose. You thought about it. You sat for a while and you had it.

I'm bombing on purpose. That joke was subpar. I want to join in with the bombing. But yeah, yeah, that's the sad thing. We're going to end this podcast with you fully laying down. Oh, yeah. I'm getting very comfortable with this proton pack. He's just going to end it up upstairs in your bed somehow.

Yeah, I wish. Can I get a MyPillow? michael lindell with my pillow thank you i have aids oh my god colin was just talking about how he accidentally on the real last podcast how he was he came inside a woman because he was like are you on the are you on the pill are you on the pill are you on the pill and she was like yes and then he came in her and she was like what why did you do that and he goes and she goes i thought you said are you on the pillow and i was like yes and then he came in her And she was like why did you do that And she goes I thought you said are you on the pillow And I was like no so she thought you were being sweet She thought you were being like are you comfortable

And then he blew a little You shouldn't have the conversation before you're fucking him No that's not how that works No it's too passionate you can just go right in Like her asshole Yeah Before you have sex you should go hey Are you on the pill

Or you should go I want to cum in you No you're fucking should go, hey, are you on the pill? Or you should go, I want to come in you. No, you're fucking, and then right when they come, you go, can I come in you? And then you go, no, like that, and then they pull out. Or you go, yes. I like to shoot it. Yeah. I'm a shooter.

Oh, you like to shoot it? Yeah. Dude, I got shot in the back of the head the other day. Yeah, I heard about that. It's okay. It was crazy. Wait, how did you get to the back? Okay. Oh, because you were getting blasted from behind.

I'm getting blasted from behind. And I'm like, I've been fucking people in there. I mean, he was in his 30s, but I'm used to people now with the dribble. It's the dribble now. Yeah, we're getting older. But it shot my fucking hair, dude. Wait, wait. Was it?

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yes. Oh, is it Native American? Muslim. Oh, Muslim. Shot my fucking. I couldn't believe it when I felt it Native American? Oh, Muslim. I couldn't believe it when I felt it.

Did you feel it? Was it like Kennedy? Yes, dude. I was so impressed. Back and to the left. If you pinch it like a hose right before and then let it go, it'll really fly. That gave me epididymitis. What?

Which backs up the semen and now I have chronic epididymitis. What? Which backs up the semen. And now I have chronic epididymitis. Who's that, a Greek chick? Wait a minute. She just got pants in the cellar. But wait, what happened? Epididymitis. If you have a backup of semen, if you pinch it off, it can clog that tube. And the tube leads

to your testicle and there's almost like a spring on the top of your testicle. That can get inflamed and you can get it from infections or from backing up semen. So if you pinch it off, which I used to do when I was younger. Why? Because I thought cumming was a sin.

It builds up and it shoots far. Wait, what? Because it was to gay porn. I was told that I would go to hell. Because when you cum, that's the sin. Really? You tried to keep it in? I tried to not sin. You tried to swallow it back up?

I try and do that a lot when I have to fart. And I can feel it go all the way back up. I hate that. You hear it cry? I started getting chronic epididymitis and it comes back sometimes. Or like I work that. I've had that too. Oh, you hear it? You hear it cry? I started getting chronic epididymitis, and it comes back sometimes. Or like I work construction. I didn't wear underwear, and I was taken out of pool, and I got dirt in my urethra, but I just had unprotected sex, so I went and got an STD test, and they were like, no, have

you not been wearing underwear with dirty jeans? Because I was covered in dirt. Oh, wow. Good to know. Yeah. All right. So don't pitch off. I a UTI doing carpentry once, too. I was dating a guy who I was working with, and we would always fuck in the dusty bathrooms, and I got the worst UTI of my life.

Dusty clam. Dusty clam. Was it just like a yogurt press? That's a yeast infection. What's a UTI do? Where you pee and it hurts, and then a drop of blood comes out. Oh.

Yeah, it's awful. Was your vag all cakey? No, you guys. Because I used to work in drywall and it was brutal. No, no. I didn't put spackle on it. That was a bad. I loved hanging sheetrock.

Hanging sheetrock is fun. You guys are retarded. You didn't like it? It's everybody's least favorite. Dude, I loved it. It was meditative mudding. Yeah. Mudding is good, but you don't like hanging sheetrock.

It was fun. You got the nail gun? Yeah. You fucking hang the roof. You butt it up. You're high. You just fucked a guy. You got a dirty dick. When I moved here, I couldn't get a job, so I had to do demo work.

So we'd hang drywall and then tear down the old drywall. Oh, demo's fun. And they didn't have masks, so you just had to do demo work So we'd hang drywall and then tear down the old drywall Oh demo's fun And they didn't have masks so you just had to soak it all in I had a white mouth It was brutal you were spitting out just chunks Of cakey white shit That's the gypsum That's what they call it

Sounds like a slur Only when you say it Like an old southern slave owner I miss garbagepentry work sometimes Yeah it's very meditative And it's fun getting an idea And a task and then completing it And having it to show

And now all we do is we post a clip It's all digital Now we just live our dreams Shut up Neither of you did carpentry long enough And you suck And it sucks And you suck and it sucks and you live your dreams now.

I do, yes, and that's nice. But sometimes... Hold on there, spackled dick. It was a good time. I mean, I wouldn't do it again, but... That's what I mean. It's meditative. It's nice to have a little... I'm looking upon it wistfully. I'm not saying I give this up

to do it now. How great was lunch? You just sitting on a mud bug and smoking and gripping. Mexicans, get your little dicks out of my ass. Getting called puta. Oh my god, seeing them fucking fix a roof in a day.

Oh yeah. Some of these guys could get two roofs done in a day. Yeah, muchacho. On the way. Yeah, muchacho. I used to race in Chicago. Yeah, they're amazing. On the gay. I do miss building houses ground up, but I do not miss remodeling. Yeah, I didn't do that.

I did remodel. Oh, sorry. I remodeled. I was a retarded model. Oh, I see. I see. She was a re-remodel. Yeah.

A re-remodel. You were before the Victoria's Secret gal. That's right. Have you seen the Down syndrome model? I'd go Downs on her. That's my work. And there's a Downy Barbie. Really?

I want it as merch. I want to order a bunch and have it as merch. It's a guy? It. The doll. Got it, the doll. How does it look? I never saw it. They did a good job. Really? Yeah It. The doll. Got it. The doll. Yeah. How does it look? I never saw it. They did a good job. Really?

Yeah, because I was Googling it like, yo, what? And they did good. I mean, that guy in the lab must have been, you gotta really walk a fine line with a Downsy doll, because it's gotta look Downsy but not insulting. Yeah, but he's gotta research him all the time. I have a joke about it. I have a joke about it where they're like closer.

Playground with a sketch. I know. They're just looking at photos. Is it the Special Olympics every year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I accidentally Googled the model.

Draw me like one of your baton girls. Oh, I'm going stealth mode after that one. That's funny. That's one. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That deserves a smoke. What are you looking up? Shut up. There you go. Just shut up for four seconds. You running motor. They could have gone harder. I know.

Yeah, this is just an ugly gal. That's just an ugly Barbie. Four seconds is up. What were they is just an ugly gal. That's just an ugly Barbie. Four seconds is up. What were they going to do? Yeah. Wow, that was a nice four seconds, though. I really felt every moment of that. They should have more muscles, too.

They're very strong. They are very strong. They need bigger lats. Yeah. I want her lifting a car or eating paste. She looks normal. Or petting a cat too hard. She looks...

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Does this basement smell like cigarettes? No, not currently. Yeah. Woo. But. When did you smoke in here? Oh, you don't even know. No.

Yesterday. And it doesn't smell, does it? No. I've been given a gift by God to not smell like cigarette. It's amazing. But if I were tired of the stinky, inky smell, I'd use Lucy Breakers. See?

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She looks normal. Yeah, it's not enough. That's insulting to retards. Oh my God. Because it's not inclusive enough. Why did they give her leg braces? Do Down Syndrome people have leg braces? That seems fucked up.

They're like, she can't walk. How's that? I thought those were baseball stirrups. I thought she was on house arrest. Do they call her Down syndrome Barbie? Yes. No. They're just in the lab being like,

closer, a little closer. Not too much. Too much. Too much? Whoa, whoa. That's one eye. That's a cyclops. She's eating glue. Too much.

More of a red rash above their upper lip. What a crazy thing to do. I think it's good. I think they could have made her a little fatter. You've never seen a skinny, down-to-earth person. That doesn't exist. It's insulting to fat people because they're like, we'll go down, but we ain't going fat. Right, right.

You guys are that gross. Yeah, exactly. But there's also this fat models now. You got Lizzo and the other gal. She's not a model. She's a big fat hog. Oh, I guess you're right. I saw a bus size model at the center the other day and she was about half my size.

Ah, sorry. Well, they always have pretty faces too, these fat models. I love a pretty face. What do you think about the sport when Jordan Peterson was like, the Sports Illustrated model was really fat, like actually fat. And he wrote, he wrote, not beautiful. That's what he wrote about the model. Oh, he was wrong.

She was hot. She was so fucking beautiful. Like not a model. Not beautiful is the most like subjective thing. I mean, I love him, but I did think that was crazy. He is losing it. Yeah. Yeah.

He's crying too much. He wants to get back on the Klonopins. Yeah. No, he's like, he should have gotten offline. Why is he crying? Because he's a it. Yeah. Yeah. He's crying too much. Yeah. He wants to get back on the Klonopins. Yeah. No, he's like, he should have gotten offline. Why is he crying? Because he's a lunatic now. The internet like broke his brain. I think it broke him.

Yeah. Everything broke him. He was a good professor when he was. He was. And then he just went off the fucking deep end. Yeah. And that chick was hot. Who?

His daughter? Fatty. Who? Oh, his daughter's hot too. The fat chick he said that wasn't a good model. Oh, she was pretty. She was really pretty. But she was pretty.

She was really fat. She was a little overweight. She wasn't fat fat. Ashley Graham, beautiful, beautiful face. Beautiful. Jordan Jensen. You're going to get severely punished for all of this later. Oh, yeah.

Hit me, mommy. Let's talk about what happened last night, shall we? No, cunt. I think we should talk about it. Stop. Back to the submarine. Ian got cucked. Yes.

The submarine. They're all, you know, TikTok is so cruel and brutal that they're all these millionaire, billionaire guys. Oh, yeah. She's pretty. Definitely. Yeah, she's gorgeous. Okay.

I love a little. That's not a little. Yeah, that's a lot. I love a lot. Okay. I love a little. That's not a little. Yeah, that's a lot. I love a lot. Okay. I love a lot. You do not. The girls you fuck are very thin.

No. Oh, my God. This is kind of frustrating to look at because it's literally just like stop drinking Coke and you'll actually be a model. Yeah. You know what I mean? I want to put my hands on her hips and see the fat bulge between my fingers. Yeah, I bet you do. Yeah.

No, Mark? I got whole different notes and everything. Really? I'm like a piano. You could start a ska band. Dude, Bobby farted yesterday and it hit my, he farted and then he goes, oh, it's really bad. And I was like, there's no way. And then it hit me. It was the

worst. And I barely have a sense of smell from COVID. That's a kimchi right there. It was a Kim Jong-un. It was bad. Kim Jong-un. Yeah. Oh, what were you saying about the submarine? Oh, well, I was saying it was all these millionaires who went down there.

So all these people on TikTok are like, who cares? They're rich. Who cares about their feelings? I'm like, they're going to die down there. Dude people on tiktok like who cares they're rich who cares about their feelings i'm like they're gonna die down there those are humans you fucking idiots what are you talking about what point does a monetary amount make you not have compassion yeah i don't get it well it's because here okay let me tell you what so if they were poor you'd care no no no no here's what happened break it. I wish that you would shut up for four seconds again. Okay, so here's what happened. Basically-

Ask for longer next time. Oh my God, Ethan. Can you just turn it off? Just turn his mic off. Ethan, I will fucking take your sneakers. Basically, they said this thing is not safe. It doesn't pass inspection. It's not good.

Yeah. You shouldn't do it. That glass can't handle the pressure. They fired that lady who reported that, who was like, that glass can't handle it. No way can't handle the pressure. They fired that lady who reported that, who was like, that glass can't handle it. No way. And these rich people. They fired the lady.

Maybe you should let me talk occasionally and you'll learn something, you dumb fuck. And then there's 200. I'm uncomfortable. Look at me. Look at me. Okay.

Oh my God. This is like when you're at your friend's house and the dad hits the mom. I don't know what to do. You're so annoying. I love you. And then I, it's not mutual. Oh, God.

Jesus Christ. Taser tag. Woo! That made me sweat. Taser's edge. Woo! So they paid $250,000 to go on a trip to the Titanic like a bunch of idiots. Okay.

And knowing that this wasn't like a safe, you know what I mean? And that's why people are like, alright. Still sad. They're going to die. They're going to suffocate in a tube. That context makes it kind of fuck around. It wasn't like a scuba diving thing that they were like, we trust it. There were multiple red

flags telling them to not do this and their hubris got in the way. That guy brought his kid. Here's the thing. They don't deserve to die, but it is kind of like... And who gets the money if the kid's down there too? Oh boy. There's no bloodline.

And the guy who built the submarine is in it. Wow, I'm sure the wives are like, come on. People into submarines are fucked up. Did you see that documentary Into the Deep? The subway guy. That's what they call eating my ass. There we go. We're back. You get a lot of warnings before you do that too.

And you brought your kid. He's in there. Just tagging it with he's in there. In case that wasn't clear, there's a child and her asshole. I don't want to get tased. Did you see that documentary Into the Deep

about a guy who is obsessed with building a submarine and a locket. Sounds like Jordan's sex tape. What? Sorry. Into the Deep. I just made that joke. Oh, you did? Sorry. I just did it and you laughed and said, we're back.

And then you made it. I said, into the deep is what they call eating my ass. I've blocked you out. Completely stopped listening. Sorry. Edit that out. I didn't know you made the joke. Sorry.

Don't edit it out. Don't edit it out. All right, go ahead, Ian. Keep running your mouth. So this guy is trying to build a spaceship with his friends. They have an argument. This is fiction. I will kill myself.

No, it's a documentary. And he makes his workshop directly across the street from theirs. He's self-funded. And he becomes obsessed with making a submarine. And he takes a journalist down there. She mysteriously dies. He comes up and he's like, I don't know what happened. They go into his

computers and stuff. He's obsessed with torture porn and death stuff and it turns out this guy was a fucking evil, sadistic motherfucker but he's obsessed with building a man-made submarine that he can go into the deep with.

People that are into submarines are fucking weird. Submarines are the scariest thing I can imagine. I'd rather go into space, I think. No, I disagree. Take the helmet off, you're dead. I don't like the idea of slowly suffocating. Helmet's off, done. Yeah, well, these billionaires go into space too.

Yeah, one of the guys is a space tourist. That's what his description is. Billionaire space tourist. I feel like space is like the asshole and the pussy is the ocean. You feel like that? Yeah, because one of them grosses me out. Ian explores both way too much. Oh, yeah.

But, you know, sometimes deep ocean space. The vagina you're supposed to go in. Ah, got it. The vagina you're supposed to go in, like the ocean, but the space you're not supposed to go in. You're not supposed to go that deep. No. It'll pressure you. But you can. But you can if you're, you know. If you force it and hold them down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep. Yep, I did it. Can we look it up? They have 20 hours to live They had 20 hours last night Let me say something They heard banging They're fucking in there?

Yes From a distance they heard No, you're lying Yes I'm lying, but they heard banging They literally heard banging in the ocean There's signs of life Probably the PSI crumbling You're lying Yes I'm lying But they heard banging Like they literally heard Banging in the ocean Oh that's a good sign Oh you know what that was There's signs of life

Probably the PSI Crumbling the fucking The pressure Crumbling the submarine No because they're doing it Once every 30 minutes Because somebody They're sending out

Like Morse code No way I bet it's the thing What the fuck do you know Crumbling and crushing Every half an hour Evenly Yes because it's

Slowly fucking Coming in on them It's like when your pipes bang When they're in the winter. No, but they're doing it. They're making sure they do it every half hour so that people know it's human. No, go Slimer! No! Oh, no. What was that?

Oh, thank God. How much coffee did you have today? A lot. Yeah. I didn't sleep much. Same. I started watching the movie 48 hours at 6am. What do you got? Where'd you come from? Australia. Oh, how was it? It was amazing. where'd you come from uh australia oh how was it it was amazing why'd you get in two days ago you must be fucking zonked i'm all right i'm okay you were just in tomorrow yesterday kind of thing yeah it's so weird texting with somebody who's in

australia because you guys are in the next day i know i'd be drunk at a bar you know people like i'm just waking up what are you doing i'm like oh I'm at a casino with a bunch of fucking weirdos. Did you go with me? She came for like two weeks and then she had to go back. How long was the tour? Three weeks. Oh, okay, okay. That's so cool. It was great. It was awesome. I went to New Zealand, wrapped it all up. Sheep fuckers. Great crowds.

They fuck sheep out there. Moses Storm just came back and was like, it was bad. What? Yeah, he didn't like it. I fell in love. It was like a magical trip. Oh, that's great. Good for you. That's awesome. Really special place.

Theaters, but. Kelly Fustuca. Yeah, I avoided that call, but. Here's the thing with Australia. They're better than us in a lot of ways, and I've said this before. The food is better. Ah, we got better food. No, but the food is healthier.

I'll give you that. They have legal prostitution with state-run brothels. Legal pros. Yep. No crime. No graffiti. No trash. No black people.

No black. Everything is well-run. Everybody's getting a living wage. You don't have to tip. Our dollar is worth more. So you're spending all this money, but it's actually like 60%. And you don't have to tip. But there's spiders

the size of fucking Jordan's clit. You just made that up. It's a big spider. There's big spiders. Yeah. Do they have big spiders? I saw a brown recluse yesterday. Where? In Nashville. Oh God, that's scary. Diversity. So you're a socialist now.

No, here's my thing. Okay, okay. Yeah, so wait, continue. They don't have school shootings over there. Blah, blah, blah. So they're better than us in a lot of ways. But they're all very mediocre. We have exceptionalism here.

That's because of tipping. Maybe. Like the idea. We got Bezos and Michael Jordan and Prince and Miles Davis and Bill Murray. And they don't have any of those people. No. They got Joe Blow with the didgeridoo and the kangaroo. But there's not a lot of...

Sure, we got the bottom, too. We got the fentanyl guy under the bridge blowing Ian. Thank you, Marlos. You didn't see a the bridge blowing Ian. But thank you. You didn't see a lot of homeless people. No, zero. I saw one homeless guy who was doing a crossword puzzle. Wow. Swear to God.

Was he really? Yeah. In a book? I helped him. Oh, my God. He went to ask you for a dollar and instead he was like, do you know three across? I got it. That's amazing.

It was fun. Wow. Wait, so you wouldn't live there? I would go visit like two months out of the year and just kind of like get a shitty apartment, live on the beach and then come back. But why do you think that there's no exceptionalism there? Why is everybody taking care of? It's called it's the culture. Is it lazy?

No, no. They're hardworking. But America is all about like pushing it, hustling, you know, going for the gold. That's why Elon Musk moves here. You know, he doesn't live in south africa anymore right so uh yeah we just have more push here more drive but it also leaves a lot of poverty so you get the good and the bad but i think i'd rather an excited it's like new york when they go would you rather live in new york in the 80s when you get good get stabbed there were pimps and hoes everywhere but you're living or you can go to the M&M store and not get stabbed.

So which one's better? I might take the horse. I like the 80s. Yeah, that's America. Australia is the M&M. It's a hell of an analogy. Suck my dick, M&M. That's a hard analogy because we're still in New York and the M&M store is still surrounded in people

who are doing crack. I just walked by three people doing crack by Atlantic Barclays. Just like with little tinfoil things crumbling. Oh, really? Yeah, but the thing about the 80s was people were doing that, but everything was so much cheaper. Now you got people doing that and you're paying out the ass for so much shit. I like that, though. I like seeing the Williamsburg person who's dressed like they're in Shawshank Redemption wealth.

You know what I mean? Next to the person who's actually dressed like that because he's impoverished. Right. But they're like opposite tax brackets exactly but yeah i think australia yeah it's like if you have a kid maybe go there totally way better oh that's a good idea yeah safe fun that yeah i think if i would ever have a kid it would i don't know if i i don't think i could ever afford it in new york City to have like multiple kids. No. No.

Going to another place would be great. That'd be awesome. But you're not allowed to stay. They got the whole green card thing. Americans can't do shit over there. I think so. My buddy Patrick. I'll tell that to Arch Barker. The singer at Drug Church.

He lives in Australia. See? Because his girlfriend has a child and he's kind of like a stepdad. So he lives there. Right. And he's like vegan. He's like a hardcore guy, but you can still see how much it turns him. He came in fucking a sheep, just a sheep on the other side.

They legit fuck sheep, sir. Really? They do. Yeah. Goats. They don't fuck goats. Yeah. The farmers. Gotta be bad for your health. Who told you this? I had a guy at my show. We did a little Q&A after and he goes, sheep fucker. And I go, do you fuck sheep? He goes, oh, yeah, it's like fucking a deer. And I'm like,

wow, you didn't even compare it to a woman. He compared it to a deer. I was like, so you fuck deer, too? He's like, yeah, yeah. And I go, what about the kicking? And he goes, I wear boots. No, he doesn't. That guy was fucking with you.

I don't know. He smelled weird. It is really funny to say it's like fucking a deer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A parallel animal. You know what it's like. You guys do this. Well, what's fucking a deer like?

I'm a monkey. Yeah, exactly. He does the whole petting zoo. It's better to have sheep fuckers than kid fuckers. We have a lot of kid fuckers here. If you're going to do something bad, do it to something that can't speak. BC Audi is legal in five states.

In the United States. Which ones? I believe Wyoming, West Virginia. Whoa. How come we can eat animals, but we can't fuck them? That's my question. That's a great point. Eating animals is so allowed, and it's like, you know, colloquial. It's everywhere.

But fucking them is... That's true. If I was a sheep, I would rather get fucked than not eat them. That doesn't work. This proves what I'm saying. I like it. Sorry, a little semen. Now wait. Hold on.

I'm saying it's worse to kill something than it is to fuck it. It's better because you put it out of its misery. Fucking something will fuck it up. Would you rather be murdered or raped? Murdered. Rape me. I'm trying to get raped. But having to live

with that and the experience, that's terrible. You're telling rape people to kill themselves? I've gotten fucked by people I didn't want to fuck. Yeah. That's part of life. Yeah. Everybody who you've had sex with, they didn't want to. They were having a bad time. But that was an after thing. It wasn't before. Before they were okay with it.

Oh, now we don't want to hurt people's feelings? Oh, now we've decided you can dish it out, but you can't take shit. I can take shit. You just lay into me. She's got you there. I take it. I take it. And I'm not a retard. You hit me all the time and I take it.

That's not true. But I can react sometimes. And you know what you do? You just say mean things and then to deal with it, me going like this, you go and that's what you do. I just say mean things and then to deal with it, me going like this, you go and that's what you do. I take it. No, you don't take it. Lean back in the chair. Calm down. She's got you there, old black hole. Yes.

But. That's my name. That's what I meant. I'm black hole. Yes. I have the shitty asshole. I pointed at you. It did work verbally. I'm taking them. Then shut up. asshole. I pointed at you. It did work verbally. I'm taking them. Then quit having a hissy fit there, stash dick.

I'm out of nicknames. But yeah, they're fucking sheep and goats over there. They are not. One guy said that because he thought it would bring you closer to him. He thought maybe you guys could have a long conversation about it. He had some fucked up shins. That's all I'll say.

Oh, God. Yeah. And a little lot of fur on him. Oh, my God. He might really fuck that. Oh, yeah. I mean, when I went to, I was in Australia. I'll go, I'm going to New Zealand tomorrow.

They go, oh, they all fuck goats over there. Watch out. Holy shit. Because they think you're a goat. You're an American. You're small. They're like, don't go over there. They're going to put lipstick on you.

Do they tie them down or is it they hold on to it? And he said it's the most like a vagina. It's the most similar. Out of what other options? A woman. Leave the sheep out of this. A pig, a kangaroo, you know, other things. Horses.

Did you see kangaroos? I did. I fed them. Really? Super cute. And I ate one, too. You can eat a kangaroo. Really? A kangaroo. Oh, yeah. Don't you eat Did you see kangaroos? I did. I fed them. Really? Super cute. And I ate one, too. You can eat a kangaroo. Really? A kangaroo. Oh, yeah.

Don't you eat crocodile and gator over there? Yeah. What? Now, wait. Kangaroos can punch you. You weren't scared? Well, it was a petting zoo, so they were cute and little. It wasn't one of those beefy roid rage. Are those real? There's a NoFX album called Heavy Petting Zoo, and the cover is a guy fingering a sheep. No. No. And on the

inside there's a picture. There's a picture of a woman with her tits pierced and I jerked off to it at my friend's house and I got that as a gift for Christmas. I jerked off to the Bleak 182 album. Of course. Yes, Janine. Oh, you know her. Yeah, she died. No. Yeah, she died.

Really? Yeah. Of what? Kangaroo. Give that a goog there. Yeah, throw a goog on that. I think she OD'd or suicidal or something. No. August Ames committed suicide. Do you remember her? AA? She's a really hot porn

star and she was like, I just feel that I don't want to have sex with men if they've done gay scenes. And everybody's like, you're homophobic. Kill yourself. And she was bullied into suicide. She died.

Wow. They would kill my wife in a second. Yeah. But but the funniest thing is like sometimes like you'll see a porn compilation about her. And it would be like, God rest her soul. Gone to say she's just getting banged up by like five guys. Guys are like, what a beautiful soul she had. It's like, no, you misspelled Hollywood.

She was great on the inside too. Good time. What do you got there, Fatty? Is she dead? She is dead though, right? Oh, maybe not. I read that on a blog. Killed by the Nirvana baby Oh yeah, he's a cunt, that guy That guy sucks

What an asshole Yeah He legit, his identity for his whole life was Nirvana baby And now he's like, I was exploited, money, money And another album I jerked off to But Yes It's just the cover

But that baby dick. Come on. You can't go wrong. I'm not seeing a death date. All right. I don't know where I got that. Woo. Sorry, everybody. Tase me.

Woo. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Okay. Ready? Do you want to get tased? It's fun. I've been tased. It doesn't.

How strong is the voltage? It's not bad at all. Yeah. Oh, God. Do it to yourself. You got to get my ass at least. Yeah. Oh, God. You got to get my ass at least. Get a meaty area. Wait, have you done it? Yeah, we've all done it.

You've done it? Yes. Really? That wasn't so bad, huh? Yeah, see? Don't hit the sack. God, it hurts. Hit him on the leg right here.

No, stop. I'll hold you down like a sheep. No, no. That wasn't so bad. It's more scary. Charge it for a minute. It's the anticipation that gets you. You got to just do it.

Like eating ass. Hold your nose and do it. The other day we clicked it and it was like, and James Mattern, he was connected. He was like, It was unbelievable. He went full Michael J. Jake grabbed it and just tasted the shit out of it.

No, he let me do it. Is it broken? Absolutely not. You can't touch it. It's dead. Let me see it. I know what you were thinking. No, I've never tasted it. It's illegal.

It wakes you up. I feel like I'mased you It's illegal yeah It wakes you up I feel I'm back It's nice Yeah It's like a good alarm clock I think I'm coming out Of my depression

Because I've been doing it A lot less That's great Remember before I was tasing constantly I have a question Electroshock therapy What way

Would you rather be woken up Tase or water Dumped on your face Water Like a whole bucket Definitely the water Yeah I've been My dad used to dump water On my head every morning My mom too Yeah What Yeah Or water dumped on your face. Water. Definitely the water. Yeah.

My dad used to dump water on my head every morning. My mom, too. Yeah. What? Yeah. My mom would spray me with a spray bottle like a cat. Oh, my dad would punch me and then dump water on me. Jesus. What are you, filming Jackass in your bedroom?

I wouldn't wake up. I'm Mr. Jensen, and this is the Wake Up My Bitch Daughter Challenge. She says she's not a dyke. Come on. Punch, splash. Punch and splash. Come on. Wake up, muddy pot.

Oh, muddy waters. All right. It's called playing the blues. That doesn't make sense. Playing the browns. You't make sense Playing the browns You say it's crazy How far you go Because of old black heroin

I had to please Playing the blues? Because it's sad You just connected Muddy Waters The blues musician He was a blues artist Playing the blues

Yeah You should have said That'll give you the blues Or something like that That'll give you the blues You suck What can brown do for you? I can't believe he was talking

about poopy assholes. He said, oh, balloon tie. Balloon knot. If you tie a balloon and then look at that knot, it looks just like a poopy butthole. You'd have to get it a little dirty. I was complimenting you.

It's a brown balloon. There you go. Crazy. Good times. Yeah, what are we at? You got to plug stuff. It's fun in this basement. Right? It's a good time.

It's a great time. Are you a Ghostbusters nut? Who's that? I am. Whoa, you got a lot of stuff. Yeah. Let me open those. Peter Bankman was my hero.

Oh, my God. Me too. The best. The best. Holy shit. what a guy This chick is toast Let's show this chick how we do things downtown I never like

Movies later like campy movies You know how people are like I love Gremlins And stuff like that Gremlin sucks, Goonie sucks New York Grim It's a next level. We're going to watch Ghostbusters together. Yeah.

Live stream it. If we watch the Matrix. We'll do. We'll watch the Matrix first. Okay. There you go. That's my favorite movie. I've heard.

Whatchamacallit. Oh your Matrix joke about the sisters is so funny. Thank you. Yeah. Good joke. Saw that in the theater by the way. The Matrix. Yeah on a date.

Resurrections? No the original. Oh wow. I'm old. Yeah. I saw it in the theater, by the way. The Matrix. Yeah, on a date. Resurrections? No, the original. Oh, wow. I'm old. I saw it in the theater on a date and it was tough because she was like into it. And I was like, come on. Oh, really tough. Yeah, yeah.

She's like, this movie is amazing. I was like, ah. Yeah. Yeah. No dice. I saw Titanic in theaters with my seventh grade girlfriend and I waited until they started falling off the ship to try to kiss her. And I legit, I just leaned over

and she wouldn't look at me. I just... The side of her head and then turned back around. That's called God. It sucked. It was terrible. I've done that so many times. The ship went down.

They get dry. Just the Dalai Lama That was a hot Hot video That suck my tongue video Is wild Yeah that was sexy It was like a little joke

It was not It's not a pedophile He's fucking around Yeah It's a fun joke It's so sexual Have Next time you're with your wife

Say Have her suck your tongue and feel how sexual it is. Oh, thank you. That's fun. Not into it. I don't want anybody to taste my tongue. Yeah. You don't like getting your tongue sucked? Sucking tongue's

fun. No, thank you. It's too weird. It's too... I can't imagine you kissing at all actually I imagine you just having sex like a automaton but don't you move your tongues around with each other when you kiss

you never give them a little suck something's kooky about that that's really hot come over here get the taser tase him into submission yeah well how's married life that's good is it good it's about the same

you know and I think she I think it chills out the lady yes you know she's like all right we're married I can stop being freaked out all right yeah yeah yeah totally you want to do it no I'll never be married but I do have a lot of friends who are marrying women to calm them down.

You can do it. I don't care. I'll just calm them down. You've been in love? Huh? You've been in love? Yes. He's saying no.

You don't think I've been in love? You think you've been in love. You're insane. Did you read the lyrics of the song I sent you? No. I'm not going to read Trapped Under Ice lyrics. True love. That describes it.

I'll read it. What are you talking about? I've been in love multiple times. I'm worried that as soon as marriage would happen, I would do that thing where I'm like, this is the rest of my life. What am I going to do? I have that every day. True love set fire to my soul.

Can't keep living this life alone. Don't make us read things. This is like when comics are like, I'm going to read a Yelp review on stage and everybody falls asleep. True love, don't know my name. It's a shame. And the burning ain't quite as bad as on stage and everybody falls asleep. True love. Don't know my name. It's a shame. And the burning ain't quite as bad as a thought that we never had. True love.

Woo. You can hear the moisture. Yeah. That's my poop. Ah. Old Hershey Highway. Like your love. Sweet love that I let go.

I'm back from a dark, dark place. You're literally punishing us right now. Now your love has been replaced by my friends. It kept me alive when I was so, so weak. Didn't know how it was done. We're not doing a Patreon today. Oh my God. Have you guys kissed?

No, absolutely never. We'd argue before it happened. I'd kick him in the head. I'll be the goat that he's fucking. I know. Because it'd be bad. It him in the head. I'll be the goat that he's fucking. I know. Because it'd be bad. It would be fucking bad. I said that earlier.

It would be bad because I have a vagina, not a dick. Fucking idiot. Yeah, you like a dick. He loves a dick. I like a vagina more. He doesn't like a dick. He just... He's gluttonous.

Ah, you want it all. No, he doesn't want it all. He wants to fuck all the time and the only people who are willing to fuck him all the time are big fat trannies. Okay. I had a chance to fuck a guy last night and I didn't. Oh yeah. Bobby Lee, shut you down.

What is wrong? That was a quiet one. My asshole's gaping. Sorry, I mean that taser opened me up. It's a popper. The amount of people that have farted into that mic. It's wild. That's a fart mic. Smells like James.

Either to get a big Costco size sanitizer to clean that thing. Thank you for doing the fart. Does Stavros fart on it? Yes. Really? Everyone has farted into that. No. He can't squeak it. Stavros fart on it? Yes. Really? Everyone has farted on Stav. No. He can't squeak.

Yeah, he can't squeak. Stav sat there, though. Okay, I feel a dip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On both cushions. Bobby farted a bad one into it. We got a lot of red glassmans in there, a lot of Jeremiah Watkins. Yeah, Bobby sounded wet.

Bobby's was brutal. Yours were very musical, I must say. Thank you. I have plenty of notes. It's like brutal. Yours were very musical, I must say. Thank you. I have plenty of notes. It's like Ferris Bueller's piano. That's an old... Have you seen that movie? Yes.

Okay, that's a great movie. Did he have especially a lot of keys on it? Well, he had the fart piano. Oh, yes. He did. Good times. Really good. Great film.

Great film. Charlie Sheen was great in that. Cameron. That's right. Who's now Succession. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go.

Is Cameron imposing him? He'll keep calling me. I'll go. Yeah, it was Cameron. The principal. Cameron is that. And that is now Petipa. That's right.

He got popped with kiddie porn. Who? The principal. The redheaded principal guy. You know Apple's searching our phones for... Yes. Back in the stealth mode. Apple's searching our... for... Yes. Back in a stealth mode. Apple's searching our...

That's not fair. Greg Stone was talking about it, and he was like, I sent a picture of my kid naked, my baby naked, to the doctor, and the doctor was like, don't do that because Apple searches our phone, and if you get like three... Oh, he sent me that too. Yeah. Oh, no.

Yes. Oh, no. I know, I keep telling him stop sending the baby dick to people, but wait, that's true? How can they do that? We've gone from Nirvana cover to not be able to look at kids naked? Yeah. What kind of world are we living in? Yeah, that was Australia. Mainstream album.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it all happened when we allowed the Patriot Act to be signed into place. When we let everyone just spy on us in the name of safety so we get rid of terrorism. Now corporations are in control of everything. And when we sign all that shit with Apple, no one reads it.

We just fucking give them everything. I've read it. Apple searches it. There was something I was worried about them searching. What do you have? Well, I was like, this is just a mechanism to search. I forget what it is. How do they know if it's not family? What if my brother's like, here's my here's your niece in the tub? Yeah.

And how do they know if it's not like a joke or something? Yeah. Well, why didn't you pick up the phone? I was looking at me, blah, you know. And what about Hunter Biden? Get him first. Oh, yes. We're comedians.

I know. What did Hunter Biden do? We're fucked. I don't know. He fucked a hooker. Oh, he has a million things on his laptop. Yeah, he's got a lot of crazy laptops. But, you know, my laptop's crazy, too.

Yeah, he's one of us. What's on your laptop? Oh, I got all kinds of Ian. I got the Downs Barbie. I got a lot of stuff going on on my laptop. What do I have? My worst stuff is incest stuff. Just incest porn.

Wait, wait. Are we talking step bro or are we talking real incest? I want it to be real incest. I search real incest, but the best I can do typically is... Why do you want real incest? I just want it to be the Game of Thrones. I want it to be as fucked up as possible. Dad, daughter, I have that stuff.

Oh, this girl tried to get me to be her uncle. Uh-oh. That's nothing. That's incest. Dad, daughter is the best. I had audio porn of that. Really good. You ever seen Taboo, the movie?

No. Ooh, you would love it. You ever seen The Ballad of Jack and Rose? Dad fucks his daughter. No. I've never heard of it. What year? Maybe like 19...

No, no, no. 69? Really? Because Taboo's 70s. Wait, what is Taboo? Taboo. It's a porn. They made like three of them because they were such a hit.

It's a porn where the whole family fucks each other. The mom and the son and the daughter and the dad. I didn't find this. It's in the wiring. I mean, we grew up. No, we didn't grow up. It is in the wiring. It's generational.

We were fucking our kin. It's also just the thing that everybody thinks about that you're not allowed to do. So, of course, we need to see it. Exactly. I think that's why I like anal. It's like the no-no. Yeah, but anal's good now. Anal's all good.

And nobody's getting hurt. In child pornography, it's like you feel bad. Or in animal porn, you feel bad. Don't justify. No, I know. But in family porn, it's bad, but everybody's having a good time. No, they're not. You think every family porn is consensual?

Yeah. In Taboo, it is. They're having a great time. That's they're not. You think every family porn is consensual? Yeah, in Taboo it is. They're having a great time. That's a movie. Wait, is it real? No. I thought you were talking about real life stuff. No, I'm saying like in the show, it's like, oh, we're being bad,

but we're all adults. Yeah, but wasn't that in that movie, Cruel Intentions, too? Yeah. We like it. We like it. Why is it? Game of Thrones?

Every piece of pornography is just mommy, son, stepdad, brother, sister. So is number one. Yeah. Is it number one? Is that because have we always been this fucked up? It's just what you're not supposed to do. We want the forbidden fruit. What's the next forbidden fruit?

Probably interracial. No. Yeesh. Count me out. I got made fun of in high school For exclusively looking at interracial porn My friends found a website I was on Called Blacks on Blondes

And another one called Dogfart.com Dogfart? I don't know about that one Oh yeah, what about the farting porn? That's a big one Cake farts, Brazilian cake farts Queefs, that's big Queefs is big? Oh, that's my whole

What about wrestling box? You like when they queef? You don't What about it? It'sefs, that's big. Queefs is big? Oh, that's my whole wrestling box. You like when they queef? You don't. What about it? It's funny. Oh, it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was with my ex

and she queefed. I go, sing it to me, baby. Ah. That's cute. Right? Where is she now? It's okay. Dead.

All right. Suicide. Anytime I queef, I do the thing where you go, oh, so they feel bad about it. So they feel a little guilty. You know what I mean? Oh, my wife's a queef and a half. Really?

She pushes it out. She's queef or Sutherland. No way. She'll get like six or seven going. And we have a good laugh. It's great. And I get my face in there and my hair goes. What did she queef?

Do you said? I agree. Gesundheit. You know what the new forbidden fruit might be? Not interracial, but Republican Democrat. Because that's so taboo now. You can't even have a Republican friend or whatever.

And it starts with an argument. Yes. The anti-vaxxer versus trans. I watch a lot of therapy porn too. Therapy, I like that. Isn't that good? Where the therapist is like, you know what would help you guys out if we all fucked? And you're like, yes.

I like guys playing on the same team. And we're just locker room friends. It's called gay. Yeah, that's called my childhood was regular. Taking it. Yes, good job. There you go. Taking it up the ass.

There you go. Had the chance, said no. ass Oh last night? Who wanted to fuck you? Twinkie? Twinkie Bear? Really? Twinker Bell? A drag queen? Name Iggy

Iggy the drag queen He's a cutie Good job It's gotta be a lot of work getting plowed in the ass You know you gotta clean house queen. That's a good name. He's a cutie. Really? Yeah. I didn't feel like it. Good job. That's great. Well, it's got to be a lot of work getting plowed in the ass. You know, you got a clean house. He wanted to plow me and I was like, ah, settle down. You turned down a beach?

You turned down a beach? A no-strings-attached beach? Wow. That's a willpower. That's why he also is with men. There is no-strings-attached. But I think if a hot woman was like, do you want to come over and I'll blow you? I'd be like, no, get my coat.

You did do it the other night. With a basically man. Sorry. She watches. You are hot. Great puss. Love a great puss. Really good in bed.

Why don't you date her? I don't want to date. I don't want to date. Okay. Yeah. All right. I get that. It took you a long time to be comfortable settling down, right?

Oh, yeah. Really? I'm still uncomfortable. Yes. It's scary. It's terrifying. But you just push past that feeling? Yeah, and I want children.

You do want children. Do you? Yeah. Eventually. When? How old is she? A year. She's 31. Okay. want children. Do you? Yeah. Eventually. When? How old is me? A year. 31.

Okay. That's a good age. Yeah. So it won't be a Downs Barbie yet. But I'm 39. I'm old. Are you 39? Yeah.

Black don't crack. Old. Old. Wow. What month? September 18th. 83. You got it.

December 31st, 84. Whoa. I don't know what that means to me. Older than him. Okay. You're it. December 31st, 84. Whoa. I don't know what that means to me. I don't know. You're older than me. I'm older, yeah. Close to a year. It looks like your grandpa.

Your grandpa. It's okay. I don't know, bitch. I'm taking it. He's taking it. I'm taking it. Come on, hit me up. Yeah, look at these genetics.

You're crazy. You've got such a good hairline. But you were a baby face. You had a Jake Velasquez thing going on where you looked really young. Way fatter. I was a fat kid. Chunky. Big cheeks.

When was the first time you had sex? 16 to a prostitute. Wow. That's too young. Who set you up with her? I met her on the street. Oh, my gosh. She didn't charge me.

You picked up a street walker. It's a crazy story. What is it? I've told it many times. I'll give you the Cliff's Notes. Yes. But December 30th. Late December, back in 1693.

One day away from my birthday. Hey, there you go. I was celebrating. It was the night before the millennium. It was Y2K. You know, it was a buzz in the air. And I'm on Bourbon Street. We had a big party to go to for New Year's.

So we said, let's go to Bourbon Street the night before. We're hacks. I'm from New Orleans. So I'm 16 with a bunch of guys. There's no cell phones. It's a different time. And there's a woman on a balcony, as you do on Bourbon, and she's flashing everybody.

And she was a hot older lady. She was probably like 50-something. Nice. Oh, no, Mark. I know. I'm a survivor. But it was great. Wait, wait, wait.

What? He was 16 and she was 50-something. That's why he's so weird. It was consensual or whatever. Whatever. That's fucking weird. You're the one who's like, I want to fuck my dad while my brother watches. My dad was dead and I did

have sex with my stepbrother. And it fucked me up. Oh, you got bad news. Shut up. Your story. Your Whoa. Your story. Your story. Your story. Your story. Hold on.

I want to hear this. I'll use it later to rub one out. That's crazy. The step bro. He's hot. Yeah. Okay. He looks like he runs a surf shop in fucking Omaha.

Yeah. That doesn't make sense. I know, because it doesn't make sense. It's a horrible business model. Okay. Yeah, he's dumb. Oh, got it. Got it. No, he's dumb. Oh, got it.

No, he's hot. He's a hottie. He's hot. We grew up. We had sex. But you're not blood. Not blood. All right.

All right. There was some grooming. But you fucked a woman that was older than your mother. Maybe. She was. You are thinking she was 50. She may have been like. That's true. I was so young.

So maybe she was like 29 or something. No, she was probably 41. I'm going to go with 41. You know when you think your babysitter is 76 and she's 21? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, she was old. So she's flashing her old tits. Yes, and I looked at them, because this is pre-internet porn.

Yeah. And I was like, oh, wow. And she goes, you want to come up? And I was like, oh my God, is it that easy you want to come up? And I was like, oh, my God, is it that easy? Are we getting laid? Y2K? Here we go. And I try to go up the hotel. They won't let me in because you got to be a guest. It's, you know, it's Mardi Gras or New Year's. Bourbon Street.

And then she goes, don't worry, I'll come down. That's how she got Mark to come up. Yeah. Bourbon Street mating call. Cool. Tubular. Radical. Cool. Yeah. Tubular.

Radical. So she comes down and all my friends, I'm with like three guys and they're like, oh my God, this is crazy. And she comes down and she's like, you kids want to throw some beads off the balcony? And I was like, oh, she doesn't want to hook up. That's why you call that sex. That's what you say to me every time. You want to throw some beads off the balcony? Right.

So my friend's like elbowing me and i just go ah fuck it i go i don't want to go into 2000 a virgin and she goes well i won't let you and that was it we went upstairs now here's the craziest part we go upstairs she's like i gotta go do something you guys go to room 239 i'll never forget in the ramada hotel because it was assault and traumatizing yes great night and uh we we're all in the elevator like, we're punching each other, jumping up and down. Then we get to room 239. We wait. She finally shows up. Who knows what she did?

She finally shows up, swings the door open. There's an old man with white hair and a beard and a Harley Davidson hat and a leather jacket sitting in a chair facing the door. He goes, which one is it? She goes, him. He goes, all right, you two. To my friends, let's go on the balcony. I got which one is it and she goes him and he goes all right you two to my friends let's go on the balcony i got some beers out there and a cooler and so we're all like

this is getting weird yeah like are they gonna is he gonna kill them is she gonna kill me what are we doing we're kids this dude yeah so they're kind of like okay and they're getting shuffled out to the balcony he closes the french doors boop bo, hits the blind so I'm in there with her alone. Wow. And then what? And then she goes, how do you want to do this? And I'm a virgin. I got a big hymen. So I go, I'll take a blowjob first just because I've seen

movies. Good job. And she goes, I don't give blowjobs. And then I go, you fuck kids off the street, but you don't give blowjobs? Did you say that? Yeah. I'm proud of you. I thought it was a funny line. Yes, it's a funny line. And she was like, you fuck kids off the street, but you don't give blowjobs? Did you say that? Yeah. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I thought it was a funny line. Yes, it's a funny line.

And she was like, you want to do this or not? Like, that totally pissed her off. I was like, okay, sorry. Yes, ma'am. A very good point you made. You're a rapist, but you won't blow me? Yeah. So she goes, you know, you have protection.

I pulled out, it's like a movie. I pulled out a condom from the Reagan era, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, hold on. She does one of these and she has butt plugs dildos vibrators lube condoms all this shit and i was like oh my god i'm so i'm in over my head she goes to the bathroom comes out fully naked with socks on and i'm just hot she left the socks hot it was it worked hot like how well you remember this oh

never forget oh god you don't remember your first time? I do, but I don't. The family reunion. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The day daddy came home from war. Yeah. So, yeah. So then we went at it.

I remember she had horrible breath. Oh, no. Mark. How'd you get hard in that situation? I was 16. I was tits. You're too young. It was tits there.

It was hard. Did you cum immediately? I never finished. Wow. Because I was so nervous and just like, I can't believe this is happening. Can't believe this is happening. Did you wear a condom? I did, yeah.

She had one. What did her face look like? A lot of makeup? I'd say it looked like Jennifer Aniston after a fist fight. Okay. Okay. Got you. Yeah.

A little weathered. She'd seen a few winters. You know, she was a little banged up. Who knows what she did before me. Socks. Yeah. What were under there? Did she have a good body?

Decent bod. She had the bananas. She had the ski slopes, but I'm fine with that. Well, we love skiing, so that's true. That's true, yeah. I wore these glasses. And yeah, we really went to town. And I think maybe this old guy, they swing, or maybe he's her pimp or whatever.

Probably a pimp, but I think she liked young dudes. I think she had a thing For a young Well what about your friends Did she want to fuck them No Were you strapping Or were you chubby

By that time I was pubescent So I had some Yeah and you were skateboarding A skateboard Yeah I was skateboarding Yeah

So your friends are out there Drinking with this biker Yes You finish And you're like Come on boys Or did you party with them all night No I had this immediate shame You start thinking about your parents What am I doing with my life I'm in a bed with this biker. Yes. You finish and you're like, come on, boys. Or did you party with them all night? No, I had this immediate shame.

You start thinking about your parents. What am I doing with my life? I'm in a bed with this old bag. I got to get the hell out of here. So I remember I opened the door and they fell in because they're just so drunk. You know, it's a couple hours

of just pounding beers with this weirdo. Maybe two hours. Yeah. They waited. Those are good friends. Well, they had a great time. They're up on a balcony.

They're hooting the police. Getting drunk., they had a great time. They're up on a balcony. Yeah, it's wrong. They're hooting and getting drunk. We didn't have any money, so free beer, you know. Right, I'm just imagining like a balcony just with that dude where they're just like, all right, we're just hanging out.

No, no. Putting him over the balcony like in The Rock. Yeah, yeah. Swap him over. Right, right. So yeah, they fell in and one of my friends goes,

I got sloppy second. You know, he's shit house. And I go no no No no I'm traumatized Yeah let's get the hell out of here I'll tell you all about it And yeah I went back to my friend's house And passed out and next morning At school or two days later I was the king of high school

Wow Oh man look at that So I'm a survivor but I had a great time Yeah I don't know if you had a great time But afterwards it was good for you Quit putting that on him. He seems alright. What is this projection?

During the sex you were liking this? Yeah, it was. What are you, an IMAX? Because you can't stop projecting. He said he had a shame spiral. Well, I was just freaking out. Don't laugh at IMAX projection. That wasn't bad.

You're throwing him bones that he doesn't deserve. I liked it. You guys are pun retards. I love a pun. Oh my God. Stop it it leather face don't make me holster the pun gun

wait what did you say stop it horse face that wasn't a pun horse code alright that was a pun that was harsh that's not a pun

you call me a gay all the time how is that a pun you stupid faggot describe how that's a pun you fucking idiot go a gay all the time. How is that a pun, you stupid faggot? How is that a pun? Describe how that's a pun, you fucking idiot. Go ahead. I want to hear it. It's not. I'm just trying to hurt your feelings. Why? You don't want to piss off Dusty Crack?

All right. We got to keep it moving here. You guys have a weird relationship. But yeah, good times. But yeah, good times. I don't know if this is a shtick or if this is normal. We got to fast. Let's go. Here we go.

I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. Real friendship. It's weird. I'm stuck here. Okay. How does that feel? Yeah. Get out of here. I gotta get out of here. You need a little real friendship. It's weird. I'm stuck here. Okay, how does that feel? Yeah, that's tough. Get out of here!

I fucking hate you. Horace Face is not a fucking pun. You stupid bitch. There was no pun there. I fucking hate you. No, no, because... Because it's stupid. Yeah, no, that wasn't a pun. Anyway, so last night at the cellar...

I say nayar I say nay I say nay Plug it up What do you got Hayes for horses No let's see Oh I got a special Coming out

July 25th On Netflix Check it out We might be drunk Tuesdays with stories I'm gay Praise Allah And

Queef it up Yes Awesome I praised Allah the other day And he came over the back of my head. Tell you what. Does that turn you on? No. That's a good shot.

It was. I was just impressed. Did you comb it out? Yeah. I had to go to do spots. So I just do what I always do. Did you do a come walk? Do you know what that is?

When you walk away with jizz on you? Oh, yeah. I've come walked a lot. Where you push. No, no, no. No. When you when you get combed on your face and you walk in public. Oh, that, I've cum walked a lot. No, no, no. When you get cummed on your face and you walk in public. Oh, that's hot.

Oh, is that right? That is hot. I've done that on accident. I got cum all over my shirt. I had to go by where my boyfriend at the time worked and be like, dude, you did this to me. Switch shirts. And we traded shirts.

Damn. And then I went and did spots. Well, you can't leave it on the skin because it tightens. You know, it's so gripping. I think it's good traded shirts. Damn. And then I went and did spots. Well, you can't leave it on the skin because it tightens. You know, it's so gripping. I think it's good for you. Okay. Like egg whites.

That's why I have such soft skin. Yes, that's true. I want to say something mean, but I'm not going to. Maybe I called you horse face because I want to ride you. I? That's a pun.

Hey. Well, we're back in the saddle again. Yeah. All right. Yep. I wish I could make myself cry in command just to see what would happen to Mark. I feel like he would disappear into a void. Yeah, he can't handle it.

A portal would open. He would just kill himself immediately. Run through the window. He's like a Kool-Aid man. Can't handle it. And you want to have kids? Yeah, I'll teach them to be strong And stoic And emotionless

What if your two kids bicker like this? That's cute They're going to come to you One of them is going to come to you and be like Daddy, I have discharge for the first time And you're going to have to not laugh in her face That's going to Your daughter's going to be like, Daddy, I have discharge for the first time. And you're going to have to not laugh in her face. That's going to... Yeah, discharge from the family.

Your daughter's going to be like, Dad. Your daughter's going to be like, Dad, I got my beard. And you're like, well, what about the comma? Oh, God. There we go. All right, that's a show. Goodbye. See you all in hell.

Sorry about the table.