Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 050: Funny Guys Get A Kiss W/ Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. That's how we start the podcast. Welcome to another episode of Be An Ian with Jordan. I am so excited. We were recording.

Were we recording? Yeah, we were recording. We can. Yes. Welcome. We have a wonderful guest today. Tom Segura. Yes. Yes. Thank you for having me. Thank you for coming. We've already tasted delectable meals. You really fucked me up, man. You were on point because you were like, oh, when you come, I think you want something to eat. And I was at the time I was like, I don't know. but then i've been i've been up since early this morning and running around town and it was like but here's the thing it was it was too good like i want to like you should get another one yeah i'll allow it double down chicken sandwich wins in bakery williams you lose some you win some you lose

some yeah i have a bed upstairs you want to take a a nap? I kind of do. On top of that, the bonus mochi donut. Oh, the mochi donut. What are you doing? Getting fat. That's what I'm doing. Every day eating it. On me. You just got me fat. Is it a bad for you sandwich?

That sandwich? I don't think it's a good for you sandwich. It's not a good for you. It's chicken. Oh, it's a good for you sandwich. It's not a good for you sandwich. It's not. No, it's chicken. It's deep fried. Oh, it's deep fried chicken. Okay.

Gotcha. Gotcha. And it's got like. I don't want you to eat a second one. Yeah. I was about to be very sick. I'd be very sick. But it was really delicious.

So thank you. Yeah. Yeah. You've been up early because you did. Today I did Mark and Kelly. Or Kelly and Mark. Who's? Kelly Ripa.

Oh, the Kelly has to come first. And yeah. Is that Good Morning America? Well, yeah. Yesterday was Kelly Ripa. Oh, the Kelly has to come first. Is that Good Morning America? Yesterday was Good Morning America. Doing a national press for the special. I have a special out that came out yesterday on Netflix. Sledgehammer. People are loving it.

I got a good response. Then they set up this press and it's so strange because i'm i'm in this world for fucking since 2009 i've been doing podcasts right yeah so you just like i don't know you just get it's the only thing i do yeah right like you're just like oh yeah i'm gonna go hang out with these people today and we just talk like this and then you do like you know they always do pre-interview the difference difference is like when I did Colbert last, when you're out there with him,

you realize you're like, oh, I'm with a comedian, right? He's a fucking comic. And they don't do, even if what airs is like three minutes, you sit there with him for like 25. So he gets like a report. He gets you laughing. You're making him laugh. It's like this, you know what I mean? Like it feels familiar.

You're like, oh yeah. And it's like a best of reel. Right? Yeah. And he's like, he's talking shit. He's really like, he's saying things. You're like, they're going to air that. And they're like, of course not.

Oh, gotcha. He's saying wild shit. Like really funny shit that you're like, oh my God. And then you go, God, I wish this is what would air. Right? Because like, he's really like going for like harsh jokes. And you're like oh my god and then you go god i wish this is what would air right because like yeah he's really like going for like harsh jokes and you're like really harsh jokes well like you know like going for jokes like he's going for jokes that are that are like either like you go your first thought is like that like you just said that yeah this is fucking cbs right and then

they're like yeah that's not he even goes like he said something he was like like so yeah he asked me to like rank um pussy no rank the latin america latin american countries like in best people like in order like oh yeah i was like yeah rate the races smartest to dumbest like what dude what's your theory on sizes of skulls? You're like, Stephen, no! I did it. I was like, are we airing? And they're like, no. That's crazy that you did it. You're like, yeah.

I was like, well. Ecuador! Argentines are definitely the top because they're white. I get it. I get it. I get it. So anyways, you do that. And you're like, but then like these, you forget.

Here's the thing. I'm sitting there backstage at these shows. And I realized like they have photos So, so anyways, you do that and you're like, but then like these, you freak, here's the thing. I'm sitting there backstage at these shows and I realized like they have photos, like, you know, people always have their photos from over the years of their moments. And as you're looking at them and you're seeing what's happening on the feed before you go on,

you go, Oh yeah, this is like, I'm disconnected from morning television. Yeah. You're like, this is so wholesome. Oh, and they're like, Oh yeah. Like they, it's like. Yeah. You're like, this is so wholesome. Oh, yeah.

It's like them with Big Bird being like, Princess Di. That's crazy. They're like, this pastor came in to make his famous fucking coffee cake this morning. And you're like, oh, cool. I'm going to fart into the microphone if you let me. Yeah, and then they go, God, that's so good.

And you're like, what am I supposed to do on this? Nobody prepares you? They do, but i guess in your mind you do this so much and in your mind it's gonna be exactly yeah and you go it's gonna be i know what you're saying we're doing but i i do this a lot yeah and then you get out there and they're like how are your children and you're like they're good they're gay yeah i'm like no they're fucking terrible i go they're like al-qaeda rays they're just fucking and they were like what i was like you know on the monkey they're the worst and then they're like oh i go no no i'm kidding like i'm kidding they're great i love it i go they're watching jesus christ they're like hi guys yeah and then and then they're you know they they're sweet they but you can tell how things move unless the thing

is like in podcasting you just have you talk about shit until you're like you know, they, they're sweet. They, but you can tell how things move. And that's the thing is like in podcasting, you just have, you talk about shit until you're like, and you're like, I want to go back to what I was saying. Oh, gotcha. And then in like morning TV,

like you just say it. And then they're like, also, uh, you, uh, you just shot a special, like they just change it.

It's just a commercial. It's a commercial. These things like this are so weird. Like what was the, even on late night, late night feels like it's like a commercial. These things like this are so weird. Like what was the, even on late night, late night feels like it's like a commercial. It's like a TV about TV.

Like they have people on and they're like, you've been on TV. You're on the TV. This is a show on TV. Now back to TV. And you're like, what is going on? Were there people outside with signs like there used to be? Do you remember that?

Yes, I do remember that. Like TRL and, and good morning america also people lined up with i did it on a holiday i did on july 4th july so like streets were empty i mean it was like i think there was half the staff was off it was it was very easy like they got they were like we're gonna pick you up early because you're gonna get here in like 10 minutes because there's nobody on the streets like it was no traffic at all but even

like what is it one of the things i said to the guy he goes he's like oh my god like my tour was so long it's almost a two year tour and we're recapping like it was 171 cities and like all you know then he goes god like your kids must have missed you and i go i go what is with the kids i go yeah i abandoned them and and you had like the the previous you hear one person in back just yeah like that well a moment before he started he was like i was coming in today i saw your he goes i saw your big head on a billboard in times square and he goes i don't mean i don't know you said it i go you said it and it is big head on a billboard in Times Square. And he goes, I don't mean, I go, no, you said it. I go, you said it. And it is big.

I have a big fucking head. And he was like, and then I feel fat. You should feel fat. You're fat. But everybody's laughing at this. Like, they're like, ah, like when I'm, cause I'm making fun of him. I was like, no, you said, I go, it's fine. You said I have a big, big head.

Everybody's laughing at the back of the crew. And as soon as I say that abandoned kids line, they all were like, oh my down right and i was like and then i start to laugh of course yeah because i'm like guys and then they're like uh oh the brad pitt came to one of my shows right so they asked me about it and then we're talking about it and i go i go then he gave me a kiss i go because he said he said funny guys get a kiss he was like we'll be right back it was like it landed so bad funny guys get a kiss is wild yeah it was that is a wild i think even if i was there i would have been like are you telling the truth what's going on am i supposed to kiss you now?

Yeah. That's so funny. And I actually, I remember in the moment that I called an audible, because I was going to say funny boys get a kiss. But I thought they would be like, you're talking about kids? Because I was here all morning. I was like, say guys. In the moment, I was like, say guys.

I was like, funny guys get a kiss. And he was like, all right, well, thanks for stopping by. Oh, my God. That's so funny. But here's the thing. You walk away from that and I go like, I just want to be clear that you walk away and you go, those people are like, everyone's so nice. And then when you walk off, even when you're like, that was awkward. They're like, that was fantastic. Oh, really? You're like, really? And they're like, yeah, it is. When I went to i went to my uh mike roland's late night taping with fallon and it was so you feel so weird everybody was coming into the green room and talking to

you you're like these are different animals these are very bizarre people and you're trying to joke with them and they're like it's bombing every time and then fallon comes in and it's like chill you're like oh there's just an entirely different thing it's a different like yeah it's a different like it's a death it's like an existential different thing with comedians. It's a different like, yeah, it's a different like. It's a death. It's like an existential death behind somebody's eyes. You just, you're so, I remember like we did this thing where on our podcast, we were going to do a bit where my wife and I were going to interview one of each other's exes as this segment, like as a bit.

And we're talking about it. Like you're just imagining the best version like this is gonna be fucking awesome this is hilarious but when i so we each said we would talk to our exes about this bit and when i called mine and i'm talking to her you forget that you're used to talking to like other comics yeah and so like if i say that to you you're like all right it's like you already are like i see what you're like what you. Yeah. And so like, if I say that to you, you're like, all right, I was like, you already are like, I see what you're like, what you're going for.

Yeah. So I'm like, I haven't talked to her in like more than a decade. Yeah. So she was like, hi, like, are you,

why are you, why are you calling me? Yeah. Are you interested? I was like, I'm a pediatrician. I was like, she's like,

I loved you so much. She said that like in this account. And I was like, I go, so I'm doing this bit on i'm doing this bit on my famous podcast with my wife and then as i'm telling her she goes um i don't think i'm the right person for this and i'm like i go it's not like 60 minutes like it's not going to be like someone's going to be like you know why do you think you fuck this up or you know like it's like it'll be i go the thing is it'll be me saying making fun of me like yeah you will be like we'll help you make fun of me and as i'm doing it i'm like yeah she has

she's like what like i don't do bits like what are you talking about right she lives a regular life and then i was like yeah well think about it you know just think about if you want to do it and she was like maybe call somebody yes else. I was like, okay. Okay, thanks. We called my ex, me and Rick Glassman on his podcast. He was like, can we call you? Because I was talking about how I date men with like walls up. And he was like, can we call one of your exes?

And I was like, sure. Because I'm so friends with one of them. Yeah. And he calls and I like say, I'm like, hey, just so you know, you're on a podcast. Yeah. Just feel free to hang up. And he's and Rick is like, hey, Jordan dates people with walls. Do you find that you have walls?

And he was just completely silent. And he goes, yep. And it worked because of what we were talking about. But I was like, yeah, if any other questions, and Rick did good in just being like, well, good to talk to you. See you later. But I was like, oh, yeah, this isn't somebody who's ready at all times. I mean, you could wake one of us up out of bed and be like, bit. So we'd be like, oh, my cat's me.

Yeah. You know, even if you like, like took the bit suggestion wrong, it'd be another bit. You know what I mean? Like you do. I'd be like, oh, this is not what I was meaning. But yeah, that's funny. You know, it's like this was it's just. I would love to have an ex on the podcast and like bring out the taser.

Wouldn't that be fun? She could tase you. Take it out, tase me, and we'll be good. You're good with most of your exes, except for one of them. Yeah, I'm great with them. Are most of them pretty long relationships?

For the most part, yeah. I mean, a year and a half, two years is the longest. Amicable. Yeah. I mean like year and a half, two years is like the longest, but yeah. Amicable breakups. I like that. That's not how I have. No, that's not. I have, I have two that were not amiable. You have like fiery breakups. Like, yeah. Yeah. Well, I have a hard time. Volcanic. Yeah. She really sinks. I can hate somebody. And if they break up with me, I'm like, but I need to be with you now that you don't want me. Yeah.

If I was like more, if I was mentally sound, you know what I mean? It would definitely be, if I knew the truth that we shouldn't be together, it would be easier. But I burn it all to the ground. I'm like, yeah, if you get it. That's just, but isn't this like all like you're growing. Yeah. You're getting there. Like you're going to be there.

Yeah. One guy cheated on me and I was like Hey if we just don't talk for six months Everything will be cool Is that the guy that you called While you were with a guy and you were like We need a break Yeah

A guy was Pre-enter Getting warmed up We need a break And then hung up, banged him and then told him. And the guy went across the street, fucked a girl, came back. And she's like, you cheated

on me. No, not that. He cheated a real cheat. Even Steven's thing. I was like, all right, weird that you banged that child who works across the street. And now I know you've been hanging out all the time. But then we were like back together. He went on a trip.

I was about, I was getting his oil change and I was like, Hey, what oil does your car take? And he was like weird. And I was like, man, what's weird?

And he was like, I slept with this girl and I was like, I'm not changing your oil. And I just ditched his car. I got it again. He did park it. He was changing a man's oil yeah that's very nice but i knew that we shouldn't be together so i was like if we just don't talk

yeah i don't have any bullshit we'll be cool and now we're cool you are cool now yeah yeah okay totally i'm cool with most of them it just takes me yeah it takes time i have to get out of the rejection session and then i'm like oh. You can't be friends with me. What do you think you're, why do you think it's hard to, like, you know, let go? Why do you think you hold on to them so much? I. What? It's just addiction.

Yeah, it's just love addiction. Yeah. I've like dated people who I truly was like, this is the worst match ever. And I've almost been like, we should break up. And then they're like, maybe we should break up. And I'm like, it's love. Oh, right And then they're like, maybe we should break up. And I'm like, it's love. Oh,

right, right. Yeah. It's very much like a, as soon as they say it. Yeah. Yeah. So we have a bet,

not a bet, a prompt, a pact. You won't talk to your ex and I'm not going to have sex with anyone. Right. Yeah. Wait, you're not going to have sex with anyone.

Yeah. For a minute. He had sex addiction. Yeah. I have love addiction. I hate sex. I had sex addiction. Yeah. I have love addiction. I hate sex. All right. Use sex as a escape.

Although I saw a very funny video of yours about how guys get in the rhythm. Oh, yeah. And you're like, I'm going to come. And then they're like, what? Yeah. And then they fuck it up. It was very funny. Thank you.

Very funny. So you like it when it's done well. That was good sex. Yeah, that's when it's done well. That guy, we were very bad together, but amazing sex. It usually goes that way. Where is that the? Yeah.

Yeah. Big guy? Got a hog. Hog. What kind of dimension? What are we talking? I mean. It was so big.

Like. It was the one where you keep a handout. Of this arm. Really? With. No. It had a watch. Oh, yeah.

Your little wrist. It had a watch. had a watch. It had a watch. A digital watch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. That'd be such a sweet gift to get like, I bought a watch for your dick. Is this for me? No, it's for him. Just a penis with a watch at the base of it.

And you were at sex addiction? I mean, I... What? But not like you don't go to like any... Yes. What? You go to like group stuff? No, no. Oh, group, group. Yes. Oh, you do? Okay. Yes.

But whatever sex thing, I thought you were going to say like rub and tugs, prostitutes. I thought you meant do you go to group sex things? I was like, no, I'm not that bad. I almost did. But we made this pack yesterday. Oh, yesterday this pack was made. I thought like, no, I'm not that bad. I almost did. But we made this pack yesterday. Oh, yesterday this pack was made. I thought we were on a few months.

No, no, yesterday we made the pack and then last night I was going to meet up with a girl and I canceled because we talked and I was like, no, I shouldn't do this. I made a promise and then I told her and she's like, well, that doesn't count. You failed.

Dude, it was it was literally four hours after I got a problem. We have this serious conversation. He's like, I'm like, you have a sex addiction. You have to deal with it. And then he just turns it on me. What was he getting me for? Oh, you have to remember to take your medication. Just because at one point I showed up and was like, I forgot to take my Prozac today. I know. And he's like, well, you are bad also. And now you want an applause because last night you didn't fuck somebody. I'm saying get a week and then I'll give you a golden ticket.

Yeah, but that is the equivalent of being like, hey, I'm not going to do heroin. And then being like, I found my dealer and then I walked away. You didn't say last night, you didn't take it seriously that it was a problem. That's why it's annoying to hear you be like, hey that huge problem i have i'm recognizing it okay and bitch but yesterday you were just pinning it back on me and you're like it's yesterday's the past yes you

didn't do it no so i mean he didn't do it yeah good job thank you i take the finger back thank you no but here's the thing you didn't do it because of her. Yeah. So you both should be applauded kind of. Yeah. No, thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. And I thank you.

And no, anyway, so you're not going to sleep with anyone and you're not going to date anyone? Is that what we're doing? I'm not going to. Go back. Contact her. Yeah, go back. To any or specifically one? Just the one that I keep going back to. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to go back. Okay. So hard, but I'm not gonna it's just every time we sit down together it's me being like i sent a text message last night and it's him being like i had a tranny or trans person over and i'm an old man inside of this body is trans your favorite it's like his guilty pleasure yeah it's like listening to miley Cyrus. And you like...

I love it, but... Yeah, I shouldn't. Like a beautiful... Yeah, yeah. So you like when it's like... Looks like a... I like them dolled up. I don't like the ones that look like

they're put together with scotch tape and almost glue. Like a mop, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I... I just like women and then I'll settle for a fella. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm glad that you're admitting that finally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See, things are good. That's good. Yes. It's like if you have to go pursue a woman, that is harder.

But. I believe that. Yeah. Yeah. There is a section. Like a dance you have to do And the trans dance is real fast That's even harder

Oh is it? Yes Because I've approached Like hey you're really cute I'd love to take you on a date And they're like fuck you You're a pussy And I'm like, okay.

And I don't know if I should do it like a guy where guys, you're just like, here's my cock and my hand dress. Wait, so why do you go, why do you do it then if it's harder than? It's like a cat. It's like hard to get their love, but then when you do, you like it.

It's like harder to get. No, I just, I like women. Does it feel like less strings attached? No, I just, I like, I like women. Does it feel like less strings attached? No, I would, I've dated trans women. I would date this girl I was talking to. I would date, but I don't want to date anyone right now. And I knew if we hung out, it would be like, well, hang out all night, blah, blah. So I said, no.

You said no. And I'm going to cook tonight and do nice things you've already named like three places you want to eat today what would be like a victory in terms of how long this break lasts would you what would you consider like i mean i've i've gone not when i was in program i went 90 days before with no dating no sex no masturbation no porn so would that be the fucking gnarly dude really gnarly it was like i was going home and like i had a box of tissues i was just feeling feelings because i noticed i like use that stuff as you know a distraction you know because i haven't had a drug or a drink in eight years so then i'll be like i and i noticed, I'll be like sad or like feel lonely.

And I'm just like on a dating app. I'm like, this is not good. And then when I put all that away, I was like feelings, just like sobbing and everything. But getting through that felt so amazing. And I'm so glad I did it. And I got to know myself so much better. And so I'd like to do that again. It's just incredibly hard, especially because I'm like single,

but I'm not in a space to be like an equal partner in a relationship. So the only thing I'm available for is really kind of like sex or hooking. I don't want to waste anyone's time. Yeah. You know. You're the only, not the only,

but you're the top listed person when people go. Marriage. When people go, Jordan, you shouldn't date comedians immediately I'm like but it's a rare it's a rare thing yeah I mean

you and Rich Voss the two of us wait did she she did comedy before you met yeah so we met at like open Christina and I met at like open mic whoa it wasn't called open mic but it was a i mean it was like a bringer style show yeah and it was uh it was early 2003

and so when i met her she had a boyfriend and so we um you know we were just like i mean just like another comic and i was just like all right cool you know like i thought she was attractive but i was like she has a boyfriend and we did shows and you're just like buds for a while yeah yeah we were just like that and then i got a a call one of my friends was like they broke up and like get in there she talked about you so you should you should hit her up oh the bat phone went off wow yeah good friend yeah yeah wow and then um when was that 2000 you would never what you would never suggest i date somebody oh i thought you were going how about you and i you and i yeah get the fuck out of here um that's insane please stop i almost killed you twice today and i've seen you for 40 minutes well you're on your period

i'm not on my period i'm about getting it soon. I'm about to be. I know. And I have my period every month. The 8th. Every month. The 8th. Have you dated a comic? That's all she dates. Oh, that's all you date.

And it goes... What? Oh, it's all comics. All comics. And musicians. Okay. Artists. Yeah, yeah.

I get it. How am I supposed... Okay, Paul is a ceramicist. Zach was a musician Ceramicist You are Listen to me I gotta keep my cool What is a ceramicist

Thank you Potter Great hands And then later was a comic Yeah So is this latest person a comic Yeah Stop it No was a comic. Yeah. So is this latest person a comic? Yeah. Oh, they are.

If you could call them that. Stop it. Do I know him? I'm helping you out. No. Don't know him? No. No.

Is he like open mic comic? Nope. So it works. It's Bob Nelson. He works as a comedian. Yep. Is there a sense of competition? Is that part of the thing?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You couldn't pick up on that? Like you didn't know if it was there? Yes, of course, of course, of course. Of course, of course, you're right. She'd be like, how was that? Don't say the N word.

No, this is a big one because I remember this. Yeah. The one thing, maybe it's like a sign. I remember that when we were dating early on there was other like comedy couples you know they would call them right yeah and the one thing that i was always like whoa is if they were like hyper competitive i was like that's fucking because we just for whatever reason we didn't have it like we didn't have it shouldn't exist especially with man and woman totally different things totally different and because i would see like i remember this one couple that i'm thinking

of where the guy would be like how did like to his own he was like how'd you get that fucking festival no yes dude that is fucking terrible every guy has been like well you're a woman so it's easier oh that's so fucking true. Anyway. I mean, I know, but don't say it out loud. That's so fucked. No, but it's... I realized that it was getting competitive

when he stopped asking, how are shows? He didn't, like, I was like, did you watch the Comedy Central thing? And he was like, no. And it, like, had been out for, you know what I mean?

Or when he would see you and you'd be like, how was that? And he's like, well, that kind of felt flat. Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like,

you were kind of blind it's like fuck oh he's criticizing like yeah anything i did if i like blinked in the wrong way he'd be like it's weird how you blinked like and i'd be like do you know how crazy it is to have somebody that critical of you it makes your body yeah you cannot operate you're like i if i do sucks you're walking on eggshells you're like trying to yeah it's crazy yeah so so stay away but it's addicting because the second they're like hey you're doing good you're like trying to, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. So stay away. But it's addicting because the second they're like, hey, you're doing good. You're like, I knew it.

I knew it just took a... It's a cat thing. You want the love of the cat and then it'll run away and then once it comes over, you're like, this is, it's edging, but with love.

I remember putting my hair up. Like we would be hanging out and things would be going good and then I would put my hair up and he'd like get a little weird and I'd be like, oh my God, I have to take my hair back down.

You know what I mean? This is insane. What am I doing? Crazy. That was making you crazy. Oh, I had a twitch. And she don't need help. Yes, I don't need help. Wait, do you do therapy?

Yeah. You know Alan? He's the therapy guy. You are doing therapy. I might. Wait, do you do therapy? Yeah. Okay. You know Alan? No. He's the therapy guy. He's the guy. Okay. He's the guy who everybody goes to. You are doing therapy. I am.

That's great. Yes. I'm doing a lot of work. Yes. I'm sober or I don't drink. Yeah. I microdosed mushrooms the other day. I do therapy.

I do therapy every week. Really? Yeah. It's the best. I love it. I am attracted to men who are like, fuck therapy. I am. I can't help it.

They smell better to me. Okay. I got one of my friends. to men who are like fuck therapy i am i can't help it they smell better to me why don't my okay i got one of my friends a woman just told me she goes uh and i've known this person a long time she's like and i she's single right now and she's like yeah you know i've had i've dated a lot of bad guys and i just need to make better um choices when it comes to that and i was like yeah yeah she goes i don't know what it is you know but like guy like kind of fresh out of prison i just find that like what yeah what and i and i've known her like my almost my whole life i was like what are

you talking about and she's like yeah i'm sorry i go you find a felon she's like yeah i just think it's so attractive and i was like like, I fucking thought I knew you. So much better. This is so crazy to me. You hadn't met people that she's dated? A couple that were like very unimpressive. Yeah. But I, they weren't like.

Sometimes those are the guys who go to jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just walk out with a TV. And then I'd met one who, after they went to jail but I also didn't think of none of the guys I was like this is a bad motherfucker were they like felons or were they like

losers? They just didn't pay a ticket just like kind of like you know nice to a degree but you're just like this guy's kind of a fucking you know not really that doesn't have his shit together but what she was describing to me was like it sounded like a violent offense i was like that's that's appealing that's so funny to be talking to your friend and like i just like bad guys you're thinking emotionally unavailable

like i just like to be hit with a bat yeah he's not like a guy that's robbed people yeah he hasn't murdered anyone but he's attempted yeah yeah i just couldn't believe but i mean i don't know i guess everybody's are what we're attracted to just i know i wish i could help it yeah you got to change it though but the therapy helps yeah that's the best therapy makes you become aware of it and it's up to you to change it yes one because sometimes you're not aware and you keep doing and then once you're aware it's like oh fuck i gotta make this change and that sucks they paint pictures for you but you have to like do something with it yeah you have to actually be active yeah Alan said the next person you date

has to be somebody you're repulsed by because anytime somebody's like affectionate I'm like I don't know about that the advice this dude gives her makes me be like what are you like he was like you need to go on two dates a week yeah and I was like dude this better count as a date then maybe right here buddy there's no way i haven't been on one since he said that that's crazy i can't go on dates it's insane yeah but what is

it a comedian impossible to date someone that repulses you he's just saying like you need to date somebody who makes you uncomfortable because they're nice like because anybody who's get away anybody who's sweet or who likes me i'm like that is that is what you're doing okay oh yeah so when they're really like yourself real genuine sweet nice guys you're like yuck but if they're kind of like standoffish dicks if they could take it or leave it i'm that's when i'm really done yeah but if they're like if they're like i really like you this is crazy i'm like but also that're like, I really like you. This is crazy. I'm like, pfft. But also, that seems like that is something that you hear a lot.

In other words, you're not alone. No, no. There's so many people like that. But you have to go against your instincts. You do, you do, you do. Which is tough. Someone's going to break you. Yeah.

It might be the next guy. You don't know. Who's going to break you? I'll break you like a horse. Like a thoroughbred. Yeah. How do you break a horse? I'll break you like a horse. Like a thoroughbred. Yeah. Yeah. How do you break a horse?

I told you yesterday. No, you didn't. Kick the shit out of it. This fucking guy. My dad used to break thoroughbreds. Remember, there's a, I just said this yesterday. You don't listen. I do. There's a ring on the inside and a ring on the outside.

Uh-huh. And you, you, you make the horse follow you and you go saddle. That's it? Saddle. Oh, the saddle. Saddle. Yeah. You guys do seem like an old married couple saddle. That's it? Saddle. Oh, the saddle. Saddle, yeah. You guys do seem like an old married couple.

It's kind of cute. You guys would be so cute together. Ew. We're both too gay in the opposite direction. Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't like that I've laid with men. Yeah.

I don't mind that you've laid with men. Don't put that on me. I think it's a very good thing that you've laid with men. I don't like that you're a ph men. Don't put that on me. I think it's a very good thing that you've laid with men. I don't like that you're a philanderer. He's a philanderer. Well, I'm not anymore. You say that every time. And I mean it. I am 24 hours without philandering.

That is an achievement. It's an achievement. Thank you. Yes. Good job. I thought you broke a horse by hitting it. No. Oh. He goes, shh. Oh, settle.

This is what some guy's going to do to you next. Settle. Settle. Stop it. Settle. Settle. Settle. Can we get some blinders on this one?

So wait, do any of these guys that you have, do they ever have moments where they're super sweet? Yes, yes, yes. That's when I'm good. then you're like don't move don't move then they go get out of here yeah it's like yeah it's like that's the sugar cube to the horse yeah and then she licks it and they go no more yeah yeah you're searching for the sugar it's very much like a it's like a um one now i'm good do you mind yeah it's like uh yeah it's like a... Do you mind? It's like a... Yeah, it's like everything will be good and then it's like something, it's a doom,

which is very much how I was raised, where it's like, you're my kid, now something happened, and now I hate you. It's like the up and down is very much... Yeah, not good. A consistency, I've never had like a consistency. And if there is a consistency, I stir the turd, you know? Yeah, because everything goes back to childhood. Always. I wish that wasn't Yeah. Because everything goes back to childhood. Childhood.

I wish that wasn't true. I used to not think that. It's everything goes back to childhood. Because what? Nothing. Just you screaming at something we agree with you on. That's a good point. No, you're right.

More people need to hear it. It's frustrating. That's why when I'm with a gal, I want love from mommy. Yeah. Yeah. It's all mommy and daddy. It is. I think it's mostly mommy. It is.

Unfortunately. And the daddy thing is all right. But then when they're daddy, daddy, daddy me, and I hear you yell at your dad earlier in the day in the phone, that weirds me out. Well, stop dating 23-year-olds then. I'm not. Okay.

None of them were that. No, never. That's not true. Older. You think Olivia wasn't 23? She was 26 when we broke up. She was 23 when you met her. We were together three years.

I'm a young soul. Yeah. And I've learned my lesson. Yeah, dude. No more. No one under. What's your 26? How old are you?

I don't want a date a bag of bones. Yes, I feel you. 38. 38? And the youngest you'll go now is 26. Nice. No, I like it. What's up, dude?

Let's tie it. But it's a daddy thing. Every girl likes daddy. Yeah. It must be like, I bet you get just a crazy dopamine drip when it starts. Yeah, it's hot. You've lived life and you're you're you know you can show them things yes what the fucking i'm mr fun time guy and then you have an atm card the fuck shut up shut up yeah right fucking dick no i fucking i'm mr fun time guy yeah yeah woo woo woo and then it's too much fun

don't you ever and they've never been bum Don't you ever... And they've never been... They've never been with somebody who's a fun... Probably. Seriously. Yeah. You're like... You're professionally... You're clinically retarded. Anyway.

So you have a special. That was your book. A comic I was talking to the other day is dating like a 21-year-old. And he was like, yeah, it's great because i'm really interested in my art and she's at that age where she's still really excited about art and i was like nobody she's at the age where she's excited about whatever the fuck you're excited about yeah whatever she has to say is excited she doesn't give a fuck about art dude it's exciting because someone younger isn't interested in like the long term plan of having a family.

And I don't really know if I want kids or not. But I'm done with that because the sheen of that kind of wears off. And I want more of a connection with someone long-term than just like a sexual thing off the bat. You know what I mean? You are interested in the long-term thing. I would love. Yeah. Love.

I would love. I would love. I would love. I want to love. I would love. I could love. I could. I can't love. I would love. I want to love. I would love. I could love. I could. I can't love.

Do you want to have family and all that or no? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Crazy to say that. But yeah. No, I mean. Why would you? He doesn't think I'm fit to be a mother.

You're not fit to own a dog. I'm going to own a dog and I'm going to own, I'm going to at least purchase a child. She wants to own a dog and leave it here. Sometimes. Oh, I see. It's actually very convenient. And a child. Yeah, and a child.

I would like to have a kid because I think it would be funny. I think kids are very funny. This is true. I would like to maximize that in my life. And I think at a certain point, when I'm 40, I'm going to need a reboot. And I'm going to pump one out to be my little material. They're very funny. They're so funny.

They're very funny. Yes. And they're also, they're manipulative much earlier than you think. Like in your mind, when you haven't had kids or like even when they're babies, you're like, oh,

they'll be like conniving at, I don't know. You go like 13. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, my four year old, he comes up to me and he goes you know mom is a lot more fun than you and i go i go okay thanks and he goes yeah she just like takes us to more fun places does a lot more things that are fun than you do and i go okay thanks for telling me and then he

goes uh will you get me a scooter for my birthday and i go well i mean you just told me that mom is more and then you asked me that and he he leans over and he goes you're more fun than mom oh and i go he goes now will you get me a studio? And I was like, I don't believe you. We both know you could be more fun than mom. But it was like, you know, it was like so calculated. Yeah. He's like, did you like that?

He slid you a hundo. He was like, yeah, let's make this work. He was greasing you up. Yeah. That's awesome. And they've been doing that for wow i'll be like uh you know no more ipad to the older one he's seven and then he'll be like i'll give you like a big he has a deep voice he goes what if i give you like some kisses and hug you is he black he's a little black and i go I go, no, dude. Hug you and stuff. Hug you, kiss you.

Do that Dave shit you love. Give you the iPad. I go, no, it's not about kisses and hugs, bro. He's like, all right. And he just leaves. I'm like, wow. They totally get what you like and how that gets them things. And it's young.

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I remember I was like five or six and I got a, I asked for Bebop and Rocksteady, the Ninja Turtles, and I only got Bebop and it was like Easter. And I was like, where's Rocksteady? And my parents are like, well, theter bunny only brought one i go well could the easter bunny hop to the mall and get me the other one in the fucking car and shut the fuck up yeah you dumb bitch mom give me one without the other easter bunny call his shitty mom and ask her to do some more could the easter bunny put me up for adoption what do you think easter bunny work

an extra shift for once in her lazy life yeah yeah yeah jeez where do you think they get that is that just naturally yes what kids have there's so much that you see in human behavior that you didn't like that you i guess either never considered or had a theory on that you realize is just nature like everything like when you have one you get this thing in your mind that you go this is what a kid is like is when you have the second one where you have a reference for the first one and that and the second one's totally naturally different that you're like wait what because like you know i mean like yeah the first one like that's crazy struggles with one thing but excels in the other and you're like oh, oh, this is like the kid. And then the second one,

it's like the opposite. And then like one of them doesn't, like music comes on, doesn't really do, second one is a kid, like a bait, like 18 months, hears music and starts naturally just dancing,

like on its own. You're like, oh. And then. Right, you're like, oh, math isn't for kids. Yes. See how much my kid is struggling. And then the other one is like two times.

Yeah. My first grader is doing third grade math. He's math excelling. And then my wife and I both failed math. So we were like, how is this possible? But you just realize that there are just certain ways.

Extroverts are just naturally like that. Going up to people, take a little kid to a store, and he just walks up to the lady. He's like, excuse me. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. He's like, I'm Ellis. That's his name. And they're like, okay, hi. And he's like excuse me and i'm like jesus christ like he's like i'm ellis yes that's his name and they're like okay hi and he's like i'm looking for this toy you guys have it and they're like oh just i think over there he's like thank you he's like dad i found it i'm like i would not have fucking is it the four-year-old who does that um well actually

they both are pretty good at introducing themselves which is kind of it's kind of adorable in a way and they also do it to um with people with dogs because we always tell them like you can't just go to a dog yeah talk to the owner and they love so they just would be like excuse me pardon me down here i'm down here um i'd like to pet this animal they just do it that's awesome yeah it's pretty cute oh that's so cute yeah my is like that. She'll just walk up to people and introduce and Jamie's like, I have to teach her stranger danger, but it's the cutest thing I've ever seen

in my life. But yeah, she'll go up to people and be like, would you mind giving me a piggyback ride for a little bit? And they're like, I do not know this child. It's super cute. Yeah, my sister just had one kid which I'm worried about her being a little princess, but she really she does rule. I was an old child. I'm great. her being a little princess but she really she does rule

I'm great you do share a lot you share manage yourself quite a bit I try to you share meaning like he shares emotionally like he's vulnerable he's generous

I'll just eat off his plate if that happened to me I think that's a sibling thing. If somebody eats off my plate, I'm like. I'm so a sibling. Yeah. I think that is a big thing. I don't know if it's all only childs that do that, but I'm definitely like, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah. That's crazy. I think it's like a thing like I wanted brothers and sisters. So it's like interest have. Yeah. Which again, it all interest have. Yeah. Which again, it all goes back to childhood. I'm so crazy about like my stuff being touched.

Me too. You know, like, and I, I realized my wife always points it out. She's just like, dude, cause she is cool with it.

I'm just like, don't have anybody come in here. Oh yeah. Touch this shit. This is my, it's my shit is my, and I think that's definitely. It's so sibling. He'll be like, just go upstairs, take one of

my shirts. I have so many of his shirts at my house. If one person tries to buy, I'm like, I only have one thing. I have things that I like, and those are my things. And I would never be like, go to my room and grab one. I have the assumption she'll be nice and give it back. No, no, no. Yeah. Cool shirt, though.

That's why I love having the studio here in my house because then it's like upstairs we're hanging out it feels like it's like a home with a lot of people not just me and a mom yeah and somehow it always devolves into me being like shut up ian shut the fuck up like mommy yeah yeah but Yeah. Yeah. But I like that. And I like sharing. But it would be nice to get the shirts back. How many shirts are we up to? What?

Four. She left my minor threat shirt at her ex's place. And that was one of my favorites. And he threw it away. Why'd he throw it away? Because it was yours. An accident, he said. That was an accident?

I mean, I wasn't before, but I'm going to knock this motherfucker out. Do not do that. Do not do that. I'll quit the podcast if you do that. Do you see this person often at shows then? Whoa. To him. Put it down.

That's what I will do. Let's role play. I draw the line. You took the shirt. I draw the line. That's intense. Yeah. I know, right? It's really scary. I see that. Do you want tasers? Yeah. No line. That's intense. Yeah. I know, right?

It's really scary. Do you want tasers? Yeah. No. And do not give it back. But yes, you can see it. It's not that bad. Oh.

That woke you up? Yeah. It's like a little jolt of coffee. Wow. What is this? How many volts? Not that many. It's really low.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It just feels like a little like... Its bark is bigger than its bite. It's a good bark. That's why it's a good weapon. It'll scare you before it stings you. You use this on...

Don't give that back. You hold on to that. You keep it over there. Yeah, I'm not interested in having this scare thing. If you want to see if it's bad or not, tase Ethan. Have you done this? Get your little hiney over here. I haven't been tased yet.

Even if you hold it down on yourself, it's fine. But your body doesn't let you. It pulls it away. I would let Tom tase me. Really? You want to get tased by Tom Segura? Is that what you're saying? Would you tase him? I mean, if you're...

Come on, Ethan. You want that to happen? I'll do it. For sure. Wow. Alright. There you go. Thanks, Ethan. This is great. You sure about this? I mean, he's a little too sure. Where should we do it? Oh, my God. This is... This is... I've never seen him

move like this before. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Just so we know. Like, it's not on. We're going to do something like this? Okay. Hey, hold it there. Okay.

You ready? Yeah. You sure? All right. Oh! Is that... It's not as bad as you think? Yeah.

It's not. It's like one of those gum shocking things, but just times 100. He goes into cardiac arrest. Okay. Times 100? Are you a little power hungry now? A little bit.

Right? Feels good. I want more volunteers. Yeah. Jesus. You don't get that back. Huh? It's like one of your shirts.

I'm keeping that. Oh, come on. No, you get that back It's like one of your shirts I'm keeping that We had Greg Stone and his brother on His older brother And the older brother got so power hungry with it He just could not stop threatening him Imagine two Brother and brother getting together It was the best

The brother came out and they were tasing each other It was very fun It felt like a sleepover? Oh, it was the best. The brother came out and they were tasing each other. It was very fun. It felt like a sleepover. It did, but it was very triggering. I was like, this is so sibling-y. Yeah. Just the power of just like, grrr, and being like, oh, please. Well, I think we need, if we had to tase it, we need another weapon.

You know? Right. Like one of those fly guns. We did. I flipped open a knife at you yesterday. Oh, yeah, the knife. Oh, yeah, the knife is there. Yeah.

Well, that's not a good weapon to use. It worked to get you to. Yeah, I did stop. Yeah. What's your sibling thing? You have sisters? I have two sisters. Yes, you seem like a sisters guy.

Yeah. That's the best guys. An older and a younger sister. Yes. Middle. In the middle. Wow. Yeah.

It's good. That's ideal. Yeah. Men who come from people from, i find that they are the nicest dudes not nice in a pussy way but nice in like a well-adjusted way well you just have like so much exposure yeah over the years to like what women are like yeah you know i mean like you there's boy like guys that come from like guy households i mean we're even growing up like their their approach to women was so different yeah

right because like I would not only just have sisters but you have all their friends so like it's just like you're just around women all the time right

and you have to manage your shit and you just like I mean you get the craziness you're like they're fucking a different species

because like their logic is not and they're always like looking for more meaning and things and you're like what because guys usually are just like, I'll say this. Yeah.

And so that, like guys are very straightforward. And like when guys hang out with guys, there's no like, what are you trying to say though? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm hungry. Yeah.

So it's like, it's just like straight. So, but you learn that like that other dance of like, yes, the lies. Yes. There's a whole other thing. of like yes the lies yes there's a whole other thing and i think you're so used to it that by the time you leave your house you've been you've been like around women like acclimated to yes so going to the world yeah like i can't tell you how many times like i have friends like going through some shit with a girl and like i become like the not because i'm some expert it's just that i'm like yeah she just wants you to like go over there and spend time with her and he's like you think so

like yeah dude like this oh wow you know i mean but it wasn't even because i was like this dating guru is because i have fucking sisters right and you know that they're not a different animal they're just like an insecure yeah it's really like being like tuned into the insecurities and like reassurance yes like the reinsurance is really my the my jake velasquez features for me everywhere i go and i'm like dude why is this why does he rule so he's so easy to be around i can go be going through whatever ups and downs i'm going through and he just is like stays level-headed he doesn't like have the reactionary thing it's because he has five sisters that's totally what it is 100% what it is totally yeah it takes more like five probably it trumps me by a bit but like it takes more to get me thrown off by like when a woman is going through something i'm very much

like yeah this is normal yeah you know totally yeah yeah did you ever have crushes on your friend's sisters was that weird um let me see my friend's sisters? Was that weird? Let me see. My friend's sisters. I played spin the bottle with my friend and his sister and her friend. My sister's friends? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. What did you think he was saying?

He said your friend's sisters. Oh, no, no. I meant your sister's friends. Oh, yeah. I was thinking like sisters of my friends. Oh, yeah. My sister's boyfriends. I thought they were my boyfriends.

You know what I mean? They'd come over and be like, hi. And I'd be like, we're married. I actually hooked up with the best friends of both of my sisters. No way. Oh, that's awesome. How far apart are they? So my older sister's two years older than me.

Oh, okay. And my younger sister is three, four years younger. But I was out of college she was in college the younger one and the older one we were also in college so it was like that age range like wow i got you beat i hooked up with my stepbrother you hooked up with your stepbrother my mom married his mom your mom married his mom yes and you guys up. How long into your knowing each other? 12. I wasn't 12.

I was 29, 20, 20. You're 20. But how long have you guys known each other? A long time. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like since, oh yeah, since I was 12. Oh, and then was it, wow.

Yeah. And you guys had lived together all this time and everything? No, I went to college. Off and on. Yeah, off and on. Was he older or younger? Yeah, older. And was it a one-time thing? One time. That was it? Yeah, just one time.

Yeah. Where do you take the dog to get a haircut? To the what? To the groomer. The groomer, yeah. I walked into that. So did I. Yeah. Was it memorable? It was memorable because I was like a little fat mall goth for so many years and he was the hottest dude ever.

So that's like my fantasy. I was like 12 and he was like whatever, 17 or something. He had a skateboard and baggy jeans. It was so hot. And then finally I get to be of age. It's like consummating it finally. It's like getting the... So yeah, it was memorable in that way. But like next morning you were just like...

It was immediate high five afterwards. Went back downstairs. Didn't say shit to our moms. And just like ate family dinner or whatever. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Footsie under the table? No way. No, nothing like intimate. Never talked about it again. No, only when I saw him in San Diego recently

and he came to a show with his girlfriend and I... Called him out for it and then the girlfriend broke up with him. Yeah. She did? She homewrecked her own home. And the girl broke up with him after learning that? Yeah. How long had they been together?

Years. No, like a year. A year. You destroyed that relationship. I said it on stage. And then I guess somebody who was there with them, like listens to the podcast and was like, hey, just so you know, because I guess I went like this. This is classic because if somebody tells me not to do something, I do it. So I was like, yeah, I fuck myself.

No, I didn't. I'm just kidding. And I guess somebody. I was like, yeah, I had sex with him. And I was like, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. And then, but I like almost had to say it. And then a girl that, see the podcast was like, hey, just so you know, she did.

And the girl, and then they broke up after they drove me back to my hotel. They drove you back? You were in the car with them? I didn't know that. In silence. Oh, in silence. No talk.

In the car. Like, after the show. So while I'm on stage, the girl's like, by the way, they really did have sex. And then after the show, Tyler's like, okay, we'll see. And I'm like, hey, can you give us, can we ride? And I'm sitting and I'm like, this is weird. Were you sitting in the middle back seat? Yeah, it was a truck. I was sitting and I'm like this is weird Were you sitting in the middle back seat Yeah I was a truck I was sitting between them

And is she looking at you She's like that was a really good show You did really good And I was like okay Well thanks for coming And he never says anything to you after this Did he text you Oh yeah he texted me immediately

He was like she flipped out fuck her He wasn't like fuck you though No he was like it's so whack He was like she flipped out fuck her Oh okay he wasn't like fuck you though No he was like It's so whack that that's like He was totally level headed He was like it's crazy that that's a deal breaker You know what I mean That you and I had everyone's

Porno search happen in real life Yeah come on It's crazy that would stick and a crawl You know every year Whatever the big porn company releases the biggest, like, the most popular searches. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

It's awesome. Yeah. How do I get that? Oh, it's fascinating. You never seen this? No. And they do it by state? They do it by state.

Yeah. Yes! That's all I want. Isn't Utah, like, interracial? I think it might be. Yeah. It's very, it's massively popular NILF is like huge And it goes state to state Then they'll do the general

Like these are the generally most popular How do you get that? It's uh Pornhub? I think it's Pornhub Look up Pornhub most popular searches And then they'll do Like you know State up Pornhub most popular searches. And then they'll do like, you know, so they'll state by state, this is the most popular search term. And then they'll go, these are like the biggest trends.

And however many years in a row, one of the top is always family. Why? Because it's the baddest one. It's because it's taboo. It's so taboo. It's taboo. It's the furthest you can go. And it's like, it's so, and it It's the furthest you can go. Yeah. And it's like,

it's so, and it's in your, the back of your mind, your whole childhood. You're like, don't fuck, don't have dad look at me weird. Don't fuck your stepbrother.

Don't have these things. And then you get of age and they're like, hey, remember that thing you've been obsessing about your whole life? We have it on video. And you're like,

fuck yeah, dude. It's, I mean, I am one of those people who's picking that shit up. Because that's your whole, especially if you're in a house where sex is like in my house it was very much like my mom was fucking ladies my dad was fucking ladies so the whole time you're a girl and you're being like

what's going on with all the sex and now i'm a girl or things gonna happen that's weird and that's in your head you have ocd you're obsessing about it and then somebody's like here's an outlet jerk off to this and you're like oh thank god I'm not the only one that's actually a pretty good summary yeah yeah that kind of makes sense yeah you find it yeah so the it looks like they only have a list for 2022 right now but the top categories are ebony for number one, two, lesbian, three is threesome, four is transgender, and five is MILF. Interesting. Does it have the state searches too? Ebony is Atlanta.

I don't see the... Georgia. MILF, I think MILF is Florida. Maybe. Let's bet. I thought that Big Titties was a top one. Oh. I thought... big titties was the top one. Oh, I thought.

Thank you. Would you like to hear some? I would very much. All right. You said Florida, Florida's a big black hot BBC. No way. Oh,

wow. Didn't know I was searching porn in Florida. The South is like all black. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, looks like Mississippi, Arkansas, Louisiana. They're all, all just black. Yeah. Yeah. Looks like Mississippi, Arkansas, Louisiana. They're all just black.

Right. Kentucky and Tennessee are Kentucky is stepmom. Tennessee is strap on. Whoa. Oh, like saddles. Yep. They like their saddles. Let's see here.

What's Delaware? That's where I'm from. Come on. I want to know what New York and California are. The only states that matter. Well, Cali is Asian. What? Interesting.

San Francisco. Oh. These are search terms more often in each state when compared to all others. That's the way they're doing it. Let's see. This here. What is PMV? What is that? Penis

male vagina. PNV? PM? Paul Michael Victor? PMV. Like a Victor? PMV. Like DMV, but with a penis. Penis motor vehicle. Yeah.

Like Titane. Penis male view? PMV. Yeah. Penis. Ew, Pennsylvania is hairy? What? Fucking Virginia is smoking.

That's hilarious. New York's Dominicanican that makes sense dude but smoking smoking smoking porn i gotta get into that porn music video get the fuck out of town no way wait that's that's ohio weird panties wait what's hentai? That's the anime thing, right? Isn't that like... Cartoon shower. Or is hentai just the hair? Hentai is like tentacles. It's anime. New York is Dominican.

Oh, it is? Yeah. Hairy pussy is... What's the state? Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. It's away. Milf is Delaware.

Is Maine just labeled Maine? Oh, anime. Wow. That's Maine rearranged. Vermont is casting. That is really interesting. God, it would be so fun to be a sociologist. Sociologist.

You want your phone? Oh, you would need your phone. Oh, sorry. Well, good catch. It was a Oh, sorry. Well, good catch. It was a nice catch. It was a good catch. What's my top porn? It's definitely incest.

And then, dude, it's definitely like daddy step. Yeah, but that translates to real life. So many girls are like, you're my brother and mom's coming home. And then I'm just like laying there. That rules, dude. I'm that girl. Like a fucking PTSD victim at night. I could never say it in real life.

That's why when I have sex, people are like, how come you don't say anything? I'm like, you don't want to know what's in here. Just have sex with me. You unlock the necronomicon. And if I make a sound, close my mouth. But on my porn, I'm like. It would be family, like all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. Totally. It would be you're my brother and I am your sister and you hate me. And you want me dead. You wish I was never born. Tell me you wish I was never born.

Shit. You gotta play this for fucking, what's his name? Alan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah really i mean if you watch the podcast it's fucking had to explode just have this clipped up like can i send you a clip and his eyes would turn into money bags dude yeah yeah yeah i mean there have been times where alan's like you're not really good at making eye contact and i'm like that's because i jerked off to you last night i mean i didn't say that but'm like, that's because I jerked off to you last night. I mean, I didn't say that, but I'm like, that's because I jerk off to things I shouldn't. You became my therapist.

I jerked off to you like nine times. I don't know how people control that. I would love to. My friends will send me videos and they're like, this is a really good porn. It's like really positive towards women. The couple's like really in love. And I'm like, get the fuck away from me. Who's sharing porn in the group chat?

Her. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh her oh really yeah oh that's a real positive porn clip yeah what is that yeah there's like you know this is like porn that is when they come they say they want a future together well sometimes you as a woman you know when you smoke weed and you watch a movie and you're like yeesh yeah these are actors yeah that's how porn feels to all women i'm pretty sure yeah yeah so when you have like a good a, these are actors. That's how porn feels to all women, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when you have like a good, a well-made one, we do share it to each other being like, hey, this one doesn't feel like you can see the director shaking with joy.

You know what I mean? Mine's always like, guys got done at soccer practice hanging out with each other. Oh, that's hot. Yeah. Yeah. And they're just hanging out and it's like, I'm not gay, you're gay. Dude, yeah.

Let's play gay chicken. That tickle porn shit is crazy. Yeah. Oh, you ever see that documentary? Which documentary? The tickle documentary? No. I do recommend it. Dude. It's called Tickle? Wait, where is it? Where can you see it? Insane. I think Amazon

Prime. It's just about like the tickle fetish? Dude, it's about this guy who ran a blackmail tickle fetish website that was destroying the lives of young wrestlers that were trying to make money as boys that were like

I guess I'll just wrestle and tickle for 500 bucks and then they couldn't get jobs because they tried to get it taken down and the guy would like get the police it's insane it would be like hey i want my tickle video taken down and the people would be like if you i'll blackmail you and put you know what you know what it kind of seemed like in the end was that the person was getting off on blackmailing the tickle people so at first you're like oh it's weird that people are jerking off to tickles

and you're like oh no people are jerking off to these kids being like take down my tickle yes but this guy was like left millions of dollars so he would just hire lawyers and like had all these fake names and shell corporations for his tickle company. This is not at all what I imagined when you were like, check out the tickle company.

I know. Me too. What do you think it was about? It's supposed to be like, this is what these people are into. That's what I thought you were describing. Oh, no, no, no. This is so much. It is a twisted tale of a tangled web.

I forget who told me about it. It was some comic. Intrigue. I watched the tickle thing and I was like, I don't like anything that you just said. And they were like, trust me. And then I watched it and I was like, this is crazy. It's really dark in a good way. It's like true crime meets Okay. Sold.

It's on Pluto TV. I did not watch it on Pluto TV. Well, none of us are watching it. Amazon. It's called Tickle, I think. It's called Tickle? The word is, it's like when It's called tickle, I think. It's called tickle? Yeah, yeah. The word is like when somebody's like tickled, you're like, I don't know.

Yeah. It kind of like makes you, I mean, I'm not against it. I'm just saying there's something so like squirmy about the word. It's like an onomatopoeia. Yeah. Yeah. It's like raspberrying someone. I know somebody who's like that's their number one turn on.

What? He's getting tickled? No, has to tickle whoever he's with. That's how he gets aroused. Like, I think he would like rape. Yeah, he has to tickle. You know what I do is I date bad dudes and then I'll tickle them.

And when they're ticklish, I justify that they're good people. Oh as they're having their moment of like laughing and. Dude yes I was thinking about this the other day. Wait what? And I was like okay okay okay so I date these bad dudes who hate me right and then I'll tickle them and they're like ah stop and I'm like see they're nice see they're a good person.

Oh right. Bad people are ticklish. It's crazy. This is a good realization though. Really good realization. Yeah. Bad people are ticklish. Hitler might have been ticklish. Isn't that crazy a good realization though really good realization yeah bad people are ticklish hitler might have been ticklish what crazy okay like say you're like you suck jordan and i'm like okay well we just got through a fight and now you're you've allowed me to stay in your house a little longer if i tickle you and you're like oh i'm like see they're not evil she takes that moment where you're laughing and squirming like she's like they're vulnerable

i mean you must have got kicked in the head by a mule. I got kicked in the head by a human beating. A mule would have been great. A mule would have been an accident. That is... I learned so much about you. I just didn't realize, because I was running through my mind,

I was like, how did I know he was so mean? How is it possible? And then I was like, and he's ticklish. And then I was like, Eric, go back a second there, Jordan. He's ticklish? And I was like, oh, fuck. Go back to your friend tickling people. How does he, is he like, it is hot.

Hey! How does the initial tick, you are ticklish. How do you initiate? I don't know how he initiates, but he actually said to me that he can't perform if there isn't a little tickling before.

I swear to you. Wait. If they're like, do not do that, I'm triggered by tickling, he is not going to do that. What if they're not ticklish? He'll find a way. Does he have a feather? triggered by tickling that he is not going to, he's out. I think he's out. What if they're not ticklish? He probably is like, he'll find a way.

Does he have a feather? That's a good question. I got to ask him. That's interesting. It must be because it's a way he's at least for me, I tickle because I'm like, you're scary. If I tickle you,

it's disarming. It makes me feel like I can be vulnerable. So I understand if I had a dick and I was like, all right, get hard, buddy. Let's do it. It'd be like, fuck you, bitch. This is scary. You don't know this woman. And then if I tickle him, I'm like, oh, I have some control over this.

Sure. Sure. And then I. Yeah, I think. I mean, look, I don't actually know because I haven't had extensive enough conversations. But the way that he described it, it was just like it is just standard foreplay for him like it's like you lay on the bed you guys are you know kissing and then he's like are we gonna do this i'm gonna tickle you first and then you know he gets i think when he sees the person you know suffering

suffering and losing then he's just like yeah yeah when he hears somebody go no please stop i don't want this anymore yeah totally, totally. Well, you know what? It's good that tickling. It's like men who date Asian women. It's good that they're not fucking kids like they really want to, you know? And for him, it's good that he's tickling and not raping. You know what I mean? That's how I feel about that.

Whenever one of my buddies only dates Asian people, I'm like, good for you. Not fucking a kid. You know, you're doing great. Welcome back to Head Inj get it i know what you mean yeah no if somebody's like i'm really into women being like, please stop. Yeah. There are a lot of comics who are exclusively in the Asian women. Are there? Really?

Huh? Really? Totally. I don't know any. I know a bunch. Oh. Like three. That's not a.

I'll tell you off pod. Yeah. Let's cut these mics pretty soon. I got so many questions. Yeah, really? I know. It is a real thing. Are you in the Asian women? Let's cut these mics pretty soon. I got so many questions. Yeah, really. I know. Let's take this off air. It is a real thing.

Are you an Asian woman? Who was somebody I was talking to recently? You're like, yeah. Linda. Kind of all. Yeah. There's no exclusive type thing. Except for with me.

I'm only strictly Irish. Turns out. Yeah. Irish men? Yeah. We put it all together recently and I was like, oh shit, I only fuck Irish dudes. Really? Yeah. Irish men? Yeah, we put it all together recently, and I was like, oh, shit, I only fuck Irish dudes. It's crazy. Yeah, she thought that was a problem.

I didn't think that was a problem. I did not. I just acknowledged it. Irish guys. I didn't say that. You made the bit after I said that, and you were like, oh, that's the problem. And I was like, I'm not saying the problem.

I'm saying that's the pattern. Yes, agreed. You only fuck women with dicks, okay? That's not true. Don't look in his eyes. Don't look in his eyes for help. He can't help you. Help. Help. Don't look at him like he's

a woman you fucked who could save you right now. That's not true. We fucked. Yeah. What about us? Yeah, I should fuck more. I should diversify. You should. I was like an Italian. You know what it is? Irishmen are shut down.

Catholic Irish. They're raised with God. They're very like, everything is bad. Are they all like big boozers too? Yeah, sober or boozers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Sober or boozers. Well, sober because they were boozers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah yeah not people who are like I'm Muslim Yeah It's good stuff So how long have you and your wife been together? It's a long time now Are you just having two kids?

Yeah we're done I got snipped Congratulations What was that like? It was actually really Are you just having two kids? Yeah, we're done. No, no, no, we're done. I got snipped. You got snipped? Congratulations. Dude, what was that like? It was actually really, so I go, I'm going to get snipped, right? We don't want more. Yeah. And then they do a pre-operation or procedure, I would call it.

Check up, like, oh, you know, you're going to do it. Let's just make sure everything's cool. And as, dude, the way they check you, they put your, the guy puts his fingers like where your, where your sack. Yeah. Like the perineum.

But no, but like, so move the finger further forward. Not towards your ass. Forward. So like there's a opening that your sack drops from. He puts his finger in oh my gosh he's actually inside like basically inside of you and you're like and as he's doing that i'm like ah he goes oh you have a hernia no shit i was like what he goes i think he goes oh yeah that's a hernia

and i was like huh okay he goes so you don't have to address it now but you know some point down the line you will i was like well wait can we just address it now he but you know, some point down the line you will. I was like, well, wait, can we just address it now? He's like, sure. So he's like, we, if we address it now, we could just do the vasectomy while you're out because we're going to have to cut you open to fix the hernia. And I was like, all right, just do that. Wow. So I just, I went out, like I lay on this table and they're like, Todd, what's your favorite song? And you're like, you just pass it out. And then you wake up and what happened was they, the guy did the vasectomy. He does it in fucking like 12 minutes.

Yeah. Right. Is this, what's it called? Soldering? What they do is they take that tube and they basically move it so that the sperm doesn't feed into the seminal fluid. Who figured this out? You want to know the craziest thing he told me? He goes, I'm good after this, right? He's like, yeah.

There's a 98.5% chance that you'll have no issues. I'm like, well, what's the 1.5% chance that you'll have no issues. I'm like, well, what's the 1.5% chance? He goes, I didn't even believe this when they told us this in medical school until I had it happen in private practice. He goes, that's how crazy it is. But he goes, in about 1.5% of cases, we take that tube and the tube is normally attached here and we move it so that sperm doesn't feed into seminal fluid right so that's why that's why

you're no longer fertile it's feeding into nothing instead of like sperm comes through this tube like from your testes and it goes like into wherever you do yes seminal fluid is produced right like your prostate. Okay. So they mix together and then that's like, okay. Cause sperm is in the seminal fluid. So we take that tube and we move it and then it's like attached here.

It goes in about 1.5% of cases, the tube will move back and reattach. That's awesome. And I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, your body is just like,

no, like that's so cool. And he goes, I didn't even, he goes, they would tell us this in medical school and we would be like, what? He goes, yeah, your body is just like now. That's so cool. And he goes, I didn't even, he goes, they would tell us this in medical school and we would be like, what? And he goes, and then I saw it in private practice. Oh, so that's how some guys get snipped and they still have a kid. Yeah. No shit. It actually moves back to where it was and reattaches itself.

Oh my God. It becomes sentient. How does it do that? I must have a child. We don't chew meat so now we have to get them pulled out. Yes. And by the way I know I probably got something wrong with the urologist. That's not how it works.

If I see one comment that's like well technically you know what I fucking mean. We're all gonna Google it later. I'm gonna watch a video of it. It's fucking wild. That's awesome. What happened was they did that and then as I was out they put the mesh. I got the mesh. That's awesome. So what happened was they did that. And then as I was out, they put the mesh. I got the mesh. And the fucking.

Why did you get the mesh? I had a double hernia surgery when I was 18. How sore were you after? So fucking sore. Because I was in this bed. And for, it feels like it was like two weeks. If I sat up or if I coughed like that, you don't realize that everything yeah gauge your core and i would be like i mean the pain was gnarly and it wasn't everyone thought it was the vasectomy pain it was

the fucking hernia pain i was like oh would you get the hernia from i think it was right before then i was like trying to was getting into dead lifting oh and i mean i don't know but you know you could it's right i got got mine from yelling at veteran stadium at outfielders when I was 18 straining myself seriously gave you a hernia yeah from yelling and straining so much I have a hernia in high school

yeah basically they were like I go they go you don't have to do this now it's just like a perfect timing thing yeah they're like oh you could live with that for like years I got the hernia and I told my mom I was like man this is You don't have to do this now. It's just like a perfect timing thing. They're like, oh, you could live with that for like years. I got the hernia and I told my mom, I was like, man, this is like really hurting. She's like, you stop being such a pussy. You're fine. It's what you really got it from yelling. You're all right.

And then I went to get checked out for surgery. This is a double hernia. We need to have the surgery right now. Really? I was like, ah, fuck you. Double meaning like both sides? No, no. Oh, like opened up two spots. There was a guy because I was when I was when that happened, I started to do like, ah, fuck you. Double meaning like both sides? No, no. Oh, like opened up two spots. There was a guy, because when that happened, I started to do like, you know, when you're

about to have that, start having like all, you do the research. You start like looking up clips. And there was like this, I forget the name, this crazy power lifter. I was like, oh, I want to watch his video about it. And he was like, he goes, I get a lot of, he's like answering questions. He goes, I got a lot of questions about hernias. He like it's fucking super lame but i'm just gonna answer like he like first like wow it means people for even asking yeah and then you're like okay and he's like that's why you're there and you're like and he's yeah he like deadlifts like 800 pounds or something

and he was like he's like yeah uh he goes i have a hernia and you know yes it, yes, it pops out. Like, you know, when I'm lifting, he goes, and then what I do is I just push it back in. Yeah, I've done that. People, I dated a guy who was like, you want to push it back in? I have one that I can push out and back in, but it's different up here. There's something gross about up here.

Yeah, in like the pubic area. It's like your intestine coming out. It is your intestine. Yeah, and I was like, is this guy's fucking insight? He was just like, push your shit back in. And you're like all right i would at least get something that like like my mom had one that was so big that would push it and

i was like can we get you like a belt with a ball that holds it in also when you have the i didn't have a concept at all for what a hernia was yeah i was like i just heard i knew the word and then they're like when they're telling you it's like you're like a tube and this is part of your insides that are escaping the tube yeah you know i mean like you're yeah a tube and this is part of your incisors that are escaping the tube. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like your organs are coming through and that's what you're pushing it back. I was like, that's enough.

I was like, I want to fix it. It's crazy that they can just put mesh in there. This kid I was talking to yesterday outside the cellar. You can still feel the mesh. Can you? You can? Oh, I can. Here, let me find it.

No, I don't want to get that close to your penis. This kid I was talking to last night got his foot chewed off on a motorcycle accident. Oh, come on, man. What? What? It's cool. And then he took this,

a chunk of this flesh. I was on mushrooms last night, so when he showed me, I was like, I thought I was going to faint because I'm a fainter, but he was like, I'm showing you.

And I looked at it, and instead of fainting, I was like, this is amazing. This is the most beautiful thing ever. They took a bunch of these tendons and reattached them. And it is crazy. The body will just be like, oh yeah, put him down there. Does his foot work? His foot totally works.

He's totally fine. They were like, you might not walk. He's walking fine. And he just has a big chunk. It is cool that you can just be like... You see this scar here yeah yeah they cut me open there and they took a nerve what then look look at the forearm they put it in here why did you do that and i have i have all the video from the oh my god i want to see it and so at one point they're like i'm obviously out and they're taking electric charges,

and they're touching nerves, and then my hand is doing things. Oh, cool. Yeah. Why did they do that? Because when I broke the arm, they fixed it, but I had nerve damage. So my hand...

How'd you break it? Oh, I don't know. Basketball. How'd you break it? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the nerve shit was like... So if you said like extend your hand at that point i'd go like this could did you have feeling in your hand yeah but i had a lot of numbness too and you you know

this is called like pronating and you have two muscles that do it here two nerves and so you can you can spare one and so how do they attach it oh my dude it's like a doll hair when they and they and when they put it in they go listen this is a doll hair so for the next like first of all for the first i think it was six weeks they're like don't pick anything up like don't pick up a fucking can don't do it and don't and you're like and i had two little kids i'm like what and they're like don't like don't have someone bump you. And you're like, whoa. And then they gradually, like after a few months, they're like, all right, you can pick up five pounds. So it attaches itself?

It starts to like, yeah. The thing is if you... It's just kind of like an old tasey. Yeah. Here's the thing. If you have a nerve that's not working well, it's connected by nodules with the inside your body and if it starts to die your body just consumes it it just it just dissolves in your body dude that happened to my

uncle he had ancient orange or agent orange ancient ancient alien it was so old it was like my nerves uh from vietnam and he was like losing old orange. My nerves. From Vietnam. And he was like losing feeling in his hand and his tendons. And he didn't do that. He blew his head off instead. But it's good you got the surgery. Yeah. Well, that's the show.

Jesus Christ. Rest in peace, Uncle Danny. RIP Dan Bye Dan Are we at time? Yeah what are we at? Oh shit You want to give us plugs? Plugs

Okay Please watch the new special It's called Sledgehammer It's on Netflix I have some dates for the remainder of the year just a few they're all at TomSeguro.com I think that's pretty much it

hell yeah thank you I have I don't remember remember JordanJensenComedy.com please buy tickets ahead of time thank you IanFidance.com I'm buy tickets ahead of time. Thank you. Ian finance.com. I'm coming to Buffalo,

Tulsa, Oklahoma, uh, Rochester, uh, Jersey and, uh, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and six nine patreon.com slash be any in pod we appreciate you we love you thank you Tom this is fucking great thank you guys for having me it was a lot of fun for sure oh yes we're doing

the live podcast July 21st the cutting room New York City be there be fucking gay it's okay if you're gay It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore