Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 051: Rock Paper Scissors

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Welcome to another Patreon. You knew I wanted to talk, but you had to be the first to do it. You knew I was going to do the intro, and then I started it, and then you started talking. Go ahead. Welcome to Be an Ian, brought to you by Haribo Super Piratos. Look up for Nugget Gold. We had a fan come all the way from Denmark.

Martin. Martin. Now from Denmark. Martin. Martin. Martin. He was flying to Austin from Denmark to Austin and intentionally took a 14 hour layover in New York to come

see me and Jordan at the cellar and he gave us these candies. It's not good. And said it's bad. It's not good gave us these candies. It's not good. And said it's bad. It's not good. Denmark in food. It's not good. I'll eat the whole bag. Oh, God.

Oh, it's so bad. Oh, eat the dry one. Oh, God. It's so bad. What are you imagining? Black licorice? No. Yeah, go for it then.

Go for it. Yep. Take a big. Oh, what the fuck? He said, he said. Stop. Whenever you put your tongue on it, it's like putting it on the battery or something. It like, it like stings.

That's the worst thing I think of. Stop! I don't like it. It's really scary. I don't like that. That's really scary. You're really good at it. Thank you. Last night... I don't like it I don't know buddy

you like it? a little in a sick way Jordan slept over last night we watched a barbarian and she during every scared she and she would go stare at me like this like this. Like this. Ready? I get scared.

I love scary movies, but I... Me too. I love scary movies. Oh, they're so fun. They're the best. I like watching them with my mom in Delaware because we'll watch and she'll get... Say the N-word? Yeah.

What? That's what you were doing last night. You kept saying it over and over every get, um, like, uh, say the N word. Yeah. What? That's what you were doing last night. You kept saying it over and over. No, I was not. Every time that lady came on the screen, you go, what the hell is this lady doing in here?

But instead of ladies, every time she walked on the screen, this lady, uh, no, my mom will be like, this doesn't make sense. Oh, that is just ridiculous, Ian.

I will say it was annoying when she went into the basement in Barbarian. Yes, but you had to push the story along. What? Are you farting? No, I was just thinking about when the head gets smashed. You had to push the story along, but it's like, why was that guy like, no, come this way? It just didn't make sense, but it

had to move it forward. But it's like, how else are you going to do it? But she was so dumb. You know? What an awesome movie, though. Really well made. It was great. Yeah. I liked it. Having the two-parter. Three-parter, really? Why? The girl in the beginning the sex justin long

and then the sex guy at the end the the rape guy that lived in the house oh yeah totally oh dude this made me laugh so hard well okay so you know barbarian how it cuts How it cuts to Justin Long riding on the highway and it's like, rickety-dickety-dab-bit. And then after that section, it cuts to the guy that lived in the house that went and would steal women and impregnated them and everything. So to set the frame of the timeframe of when this is,

shut up. The guy walks out of the house. You see him go into his car, turns the car on and the radio is like the Reagan administration. It says that they have inherited the worst economy in 50 years. Jordan's like, I'm like, I love that card.

She's like, yeah, the 1950s were the best. I'm like, no, you said his hair is slick back. And I was like, it's the fifties.

Yeah. Yeah. I was like, his hair is so slick back. You go, it's the fifties. I can't believe Reagan was the 80s They just said Reagan administration It's the 80s

That is the 50s I can't believe it Reagan was the 80s Oh dude What happened The taste of the candy Exploded with the water. Fuck.

Fuck. God, it like activated it inside of me. Oh, it's like every remnant of that candy left in my mouth just got injected with a Mexican jumping bean on my taste buds.

Oh! Oh! Your face was so scary. Right? It's like it makes it pop off! Oh! I didn't expect it! My man.

Okay. Last night you kept eating the fruit thing, but you kept giving me a brain freeze, but you couldn't, you couldn't slow down. So you take a bite and just be like, and I'd be like, just stop eating.

I can't, I can't. I'm just stumbling. I was like, let's take a break for one second. You're like, no. Oh, yeah. And Jordan, what were you eating? You were eating.

You were eating. What did you eat? Oh, well, first of all, I got us, I got myself a burger and you roasted chicken from the cellar. I go and like put my nighttime clothes on and I'm like, hey, I thought I got you a chicken.

And I look over and she goes, I ate it all. Just literally just bone is left You got me two pieces of chicken. The roast chicken? Yeah, it was two pieces. It's a breast and a leg and a thigh. No, it was just a leg and a thigh.

It's a breast. There was no breast. It's a breast. And I ate it in seconds while crying. It's standing while crying above my sink. And in between crying and eating, you're like, Samson. Trying to make samson eat the chicken and yeah yeah dude she literally took the chicken and was like trying to make him eat it and he's

such a well-behaved boy that he won't eat human food and jordan was getting so mad and she kept pushing it towards him and he kept going like he was he was short surrogating. Like is this what good human interaction is? I wish I was somebody who goes through tragedy and stops eating but I don't. If I need food I have to get the food. Oh but wait. Oh what did you say? You go I'm gonna spill

it everywhere. Well we were watching a horror movie and I knew that Ian was he was giving me a Italian ice to make me feel better but I knew that Ian was, he was giving me an Italian ice to make me feel better, but I knew that he wasn't saying it, but he was so worried I'd spill it everywhere. So I just went, I'm going to spill it everywhere. And then... Which was like my clean

OCD version of The Ring Seven Days. Yeah. And then you put yours in the microwave, brought it over and spilled yours everywhere and like burned yourself up. Water, ice juice fell everywhere. And I went, I told you I'd spill it everywhere. Yeah, that was so hard to watch that movie.

And then I would turn to you to try and get a break from the screen. And you're just, it's too cold. would turn to you to try and get a break from the screen. And you're just, it's too cold. What a pairing. And then I slept in your bed and your cat just sat on my face the whole night. Well, you wanted him to touch you and you wanted him to love on you. And then he does.

You were petting him into my face. I didn't realize. That's how we fall asleep. We fall asleep like this. and he's like on my head and i fall asleep petting him and i was trying to fall asleep and i'm petting him and you're like the cat's on my head yeah quit kicking just barking orders at me you kept kicking i kick in my sleep i kick in my sleep it's's crazy. I kick in my sleep. It's crazy. I'm very hard to sleep. No wonder I'm what? Alone?

Is that why? Stop holding your mic like that. Stop holding your mic like you hold a woman at night. But it does. Sometimes at night I put my arm around Samson and i put my finger in squeezes it he doesn't squeeze it he's trying to retract he's trying to pull away and then i go no no yeah you are like that you are like that. You are like that. He just wants to nurse. I know.

He just wants to nurse mommy. I know. Yeah, no, I was trying to sleep. And you're like, put it away. I said settle. Yeah, yeah. You got to settle. Settle.

Settle the hand there. Come on. I think, you know what that is? I go to bed and you're like. It's when a thoroughbred is kicking. And you... That's what you were doing. You were bucking.

Well, I go to bed and you're like watching TikToks. Excuse me? And I'm like, whatever. You were watching like Instagram videos. I was watching incest family. An inbred family. Oh yeah, that's right. It's like, what are you watching? It's the most inbred family. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's like, what are you watching?

It's the most inbred family in America. Shout out. Gather round. I forget what they're called. No, the Whitakers. No, no, no. The most inbred family. Have you ever seen the Whitakers?

Maybe this is the Whitakers. The one where the guy barks like a dog? Yeah, yeah, that's amazing. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! He exists like i sleep oh no when i sleep i'm inbred and then at one point the dog starts barking so then he's just like well that's what i do now for the rest of the thing and it was like you because the guy would be like the guy would be like so are your parents related? And he would just start barking like a dog and couldn't handle any trauma.

He would just start making animal noises. They'd be like, they'd be like, oh, are you suffering living here? And he'd be like, are your parents now having to try and have sex with you? Because that's what happens in this hellhole.

And he's like. It was crazy. Raymond, do you go to school? Also, Ethan made the mistake of teaching us that. Ethan saw some TikTok video that was like how to speak to cats. So he's muck banging upstairs in my living room at the cat. Just like. And then Tweedledee and Tweedledum are on my couch. Like Samson.

Just slowly retreating Under the bed We're speaking the cat language He looks at us one time We're like it works Yeah yeah He made kind of a step towards us He looks at us one time. We're like, it works. It works. Yeah, yeah. He made kind of a step towards us. We're like, this TikTok guy is correct.

What are more ones? Samson. Samson. Samson, come here little boy. I think it's working. I was doing it and you kind of were like, you kind of were like wanting to be like, it doesn't work, but you also wanted to try it.

So you were like, stop. So then both of us were just and the cat's just the cat's just like release me from this hell I realize that Samson responds better to like full blown molestation than nice pets because you molest him.

Like if you smash your head into his head, he fucking loves it. And if you like kiss him really hard on the nose, he's like, yes. Yeah. I'm like, this is so fucked up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. He loves it. We do this thing where we put our forehead together where he goes, uh, like,

look, look down your nose and then try to look your eyes up While you look down your nose Like that I love you I love you Dude you don't even want to know The things I say to him in private

It's sad Just like my life wouldn't be the same Without you And you're lucky you have me too It's sad. Just like my life wouldn't be the same without you. And you're lucky you have me too. That's what I say to partners. Your life would be bad without me. Remember that. Settle.

If you leave, I'll die. Settle. Settle now. Come on now. Settle. I was like. You were kicking. you were kicking, you were kicking.

And every time you would, I would just feel some part of your body trying to like touch the cat. And then that would settle. And then the leg would be out. It was so annoying. It's crazy. Well, I used to do a thing.

Olivia told me that I would wake up in the middle and I'd go, are you all right? Yeah. Or she would like wake up and be like, are you okay? Is anyone here? She's like, what is happening? One time she recorded us sleeping on like one of those apps and she recorded me being like, who are these people?

Yeah, you said this. You go, who are these people? And she goes, I don't know. And you go, well, did they get in for free? Just a Jew. She thinks you're being protective. She's like, oh, that's sweet. And you're like, well, did they fucking pay?

Did they pay to fuck my wife? They better pay. How did they get on the list? Extra dollars to come inside. So we just had a liquid death. Yes. Liquid death sponsorship. Thank you.

We appreciate it. Is she the sponsor for liquid death? She's like the Brooklyn branch manager. Wow. Of liquid death. the sponsor for Liquid Death? She's like the Brooklyn branch manager of Liquid Death. Yeah. What are you giggling about? Giggles? I wonder if she has them in the porns that she does.

Give me your Liquid Death. Are you shitting me? Jordan, you fucking idiot. Dude, the way that comically went, thunk. Is he okay?

Yeah. What happened? Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa.

Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. my god no that face is bad did he hurt himself because i heard a thunk he's fine why are you giggling

to say do something scary and then getting scared by it oh i heard his paw has a little metal things to gain i give it three more episodes before that thing looks like it was put in a blender, okay? That poor thing, as if he has no peace in death, he's sitting on a toilet embarrassed, and then now he's just

in our fucking romper room getting knocked over. He's reading a newspaper. He's not even looking at it. No. He's holding the newspaper going, must I live in these shackles forever? Maybe I should get a pet rat. That would be nice.

What? You should. Go back to Malgoth? Yeah. Get back to your roots. Oh, no. You broke his tail. No, I didn't.

His tail's not supposed to bend that way. Oh, fuck, buddy. I'm so sorry At a 90 degree angle I can't believe somebody stuffed Stuffing into this rat At their home Yeah Look at his little metal feet

Oh my god look at your super glue job You fucking asshole Quit pulling it apart It's working right You're really upsetting me it's working right he's overflowing you're you're you're really upsetting me with with i'm afraid that he's good okay good oh sorry oh my god i just so nervous oh you got a little boogie sugar right there looks like you're crying out your nose oh my god what i'm so sad. Yeah.

Okay. That was a good outdoor therapy session. Yeah, it was. Oh, we have some gifts. Gifts? Gifts! You have some gifts? Alright, child. Open the gifts. Vandal. V-A-N-D-U-L

on Twitter sent... So you love little... Look at my stepbrother. Text texted me. Look at his naked butt in the photo. Wait, is this the one you had sex with? Yeah. Oh, he sent that to me. He sent me spitting into your mouth. Oh my god. The thirst is strong. Dude really leaned back

and asked his girlfriend to do this during a podcast show. That's so funny they call it a podcast show. And meet your girlfriend. Yeah. It's Worldstar on the front page and all these people are like, the white devil is alive.'s me let's see okay so you love little guys yeah and so we sent us some little guys look at this an eight ball of coke all right jesus Oh, it is an eight ball coach. Yeah, and look at this. Look, Vandal. A Marlboro guy.

Oh, cool. Right? All right, Ethan. Sorry, Ethan. I got to get it out. Oh, he's hauling stuff. Whoa. Does mine?

That's so cool. Oh, that holds stuff. Whoa. Does mine? That's so cool. Oh, that's so cool. Oh, a Percocet. Oh, give me that. That's fun. I'm sorry, Ethan. Does he hold stuff? Oh, I like this guy.

This is my guy. What's this? I like this one. Whoa. What's that? I like this one. Whoa. What's that? What is that? It's European money. No, it's not.

It's American money. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, yeah. It's American money. That's cool. What is this company? It's a guy. He makes these?

Yeah. Or he bought these for us? Makes them. The's a guy. He makes these? Yeah. Or he bought these for us. Makes them. The packaging's cool. Oh. Those are cool boxes, too. Nice. Ethan, do you want to keep the boxes for your shoes or something?

Isn't this cool? It is cool. They're really soft. Yeah. I like these little guys. Right? Yeah. And then, dude. Look at this guy's got a little beanie. I know.

That's you. That's me. And then look. That's a little Vandal. Look. Vandal. Pin. And then look.

Mickey Mouse on his knees. That's mine. I wanted it. No. And then, can I show you the creme de la creme? The fucking coolest thing?

Yeah. It's mine. Whoa! Cool! Open it. Ready? Is there cigarettes in it? It's a pair

of fucking Marlboro Nikes. Oh my God. Whoa! Thoseikes. Oh, my God. Whoa! Those are mine. Oh, my God. I'm so jealous. Right? How cool are these?

Those are amazing. I know. It's like, but I can't wear them out, right? Yeah, you can. Can you try them on? We wear the same size. Wait, what do you mean you can wear these out? They're too nice to wear out.

Give them to Ethan. Definitely wear them. He's earned it. All right, Ethan, congrats. Oh, I found more little guys. I found more little guys. Let me have a little guy. Those are Ethan's, obviously.

Okay, fine. He sent them for me. He has a sneaker collection, and you wear the same gay-ass Air Maxes every damn day. You're a fucking bitch. Oh, look at this. Those are great, Ethan. Is it open? Do they fit?

Oh, this is cool for a keychain. Does it open? No. Figure it out yourself. Ian, if it'll make you sad if I actually do wear these, I won't do it. No, no, no. I want you to have them because I wear my Nikes.

But I love them so much. Yeah. Those are great. They're awesome. Those are cool. They'll get more love from Ethan. And I'll say, yes. Or should I?

Now that he wants them, I want. I know. But those won't look right on you. We can share them. You'll look like a clown. OK. They're clowns. I'll look like a clown.

It's true. I'm not saying. But those are so cool. They're kind of Ronald McDonald. Those are fucking cool, dude. They're cool. I'll get a clown. It's true. I'm not lying to you. They're kind of Ronald McDonald. Those are fucking cool, dude. I'll get a picture with them. Dude, how cool are these guys? Little guys.

We got little guys. We need shelves. You're amassing quite the collection. I'm little guys. Can you see our little guys on camera? Yeah, they're by the rat. You can see them.

Cool. Aw, look at you. Yeah. I need better guys. Oh, here. You want one of these guys? You can have the Coke guy. You like him?

There, right there. Look, that's great, right? Ethan, look. Ethan. Yeah. I like the Coke guy. You can't have that. Yeah, he's a Coke guy.

Yeah, he's my Coke guy. Right? Yeah. Oh, this is so neat. I'm so excited. Thank you, Vandal. So cool. Look at this guy.

So sweet. He's my favorite guy. Oh, and let's give some shine to the guys that made designs for us. We're going to put these up after the show. You know, I'm feeling this episode so good, it should be a regular. You always say that. Ethan? Do you need me to say the N-word or some slurs?

Jordan! Sorry. Let's check in. Look at this. Nathan Hurst, thank you. Thank you. Nathan Hurst. Thank you. Thank you, Nathan Hurst. That's going to go up on the wall. Salvation Army.

Really? Uh-huh. That's a really good frame. $2. When did you go to Salvation Army? Yesterday. What the fuck? What?

I want to go. Well, I tried to get you, but you were a little predisposed. This is a great frame. Look at that. Really good. Trashpaw. Trashpaw? Look at that. Beanie in with Jordan. I'm Roger Rabbit and you're

the psycho. Yeah, I'm the guy who gets squished. I wish I was getting squished. Now, ooh, after the episode, we'll put it up over there and it'll look so cool. And then look, our man, Zach Wormer, I mean, you love this. Yeah, this is my favorite one. Isn't that cool? We're gonna make shirts out of

these too. I love this one. Right? Now that's, oh, Lucas McRae, thank you. Beanie and with Jordan, the original OG Beavis and Butthead design. What did you do to this? Well, it didn't really fit in there, but. You cramped it.

Yeah. And you did it, you put it on upside down. And then, look at this. Wow. 107.5 B-I-W-J with itchy Ian and Jordan scratches. Yeah. Isn't that great? Yeah. Zach Wormer.

Great. Good job, Zach. And then, of course, the classic killer. B and Ian with Jordan killer who made that one Zach I mean these guys are the fucking best man I'm so excited to hang them in the studio isn't this nice how did they all fit

I did the math really after you bought the frames yesterday I bought the frames printed them out a couple of these I had to get from Walgreens a couple of the frames good job them out. A couple of these I had to get from Walgreens. A couple of? The frames. Good job. When did you do this?

Yesterday. When I bailed? Mm-hmm. Thanks. Yeah. Well, I did it before you bailed, but it gave me more time to do it. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that is nice.

Yeah. How do we put them up? We're going to put them up there after this episode. I think we should take that one down. We can do you want but also that's not on camera so jesus dude dude dude dude dude you gotta do me a favor if we're gonna have nice guys you gotta take that that that that uh bottle thing and put it over here. Okay? Maybe. What? We need to create more order.

It's kind of starting to look like a little hoarder's house. That's true. Yeah. Wait, listen to this. What the fuck was that? Did you like that? Dude.

Did you like it? No. What was it? None of your business. I have to get a root canal. I thought you had to get that this morning. I changed it because I had to do that sketch. Where is it?

Oh, what? What? In your front? Yeah. What do you mean? I got to get a root canal. What are you going to do? Root canal. How's that? Root Yeah. What do you mean? I got to get a root canal. What are they going to do? Root canal. How's that?

Root canal. Go up? How? I don't know how it works. I thought they'd take it out and drill up there. That's what they're going to do. What do you mean? Take your tooth out? Yes. What are you saying? What, Ethan? I just don't like the picture. Is that your original tooth? This is, yeah.

They're going to give you a free one? I mean, a new one? This is a crown. Because I fell when I was in preschool and knocked my tooth. And it was black. And then my normal adult tooth came in. And then it died at 18. I had to get a crown. And now my teeth were like super, super white for a while.

They're still pretty white. But with age and time and smoking and coffee, they've kind changed shades so they're gonna root canal this but give me give me the uh uh another tooth see how that handles and then after a little while i may re-crown both these and then everything will look in unison and good wait are you saying that you're getting a... What's it called when you offer yourself up to something? Voluntary? Are you getting a voluntary root canal? Like you don't need one? I went to the dentist

and they said you need an emergency root canal. What's wrong with it? Well, this tooth was intense. When you look at my face, do you have to make that face? Is that necessary for that? You can look, but the face, you got to calm it, right? That's because I want you to do that. You're like this.

I don't see anything wrong with it. Yeah, no, because it's internal. The nerve is dead. It hurts? So, no, it's... Cold sensitive? It hurts a lot to the touch. The other day, it was like in so much pain.

Just any sort of like sensation, eating, drinking, wind. It just, the tooth was whoo. Then it got better. but they did a thing where they put they did a cold test on each tooth and you feel like oh ah cold and this they just kept dabbing cold on it was like i don't feel anything like well the nerves dead oh so it'll turn black eventually you left it yeah could you get a justice tooth? I could. But I don't want silver teeth. Gold.

Gold. I don't want two gold front teeth. He's cool as fuck. He makes it work. I'd look like a fool. I don't think so. If I had two gold front teeth, Ethan,

it would be interesting, I think. I would love you to be my dentist. Are we going to look at your L4, L5? Oh, dude, I finally learned the system with the sucker. I hate the dentist when they put that. Yeah, me too. And they leave it there.

You know what I did? My dentist is so cool. He let me hold on to it and he would clean and then I'd move it clean. So I didn't have it in there the whole time. We had a real great rhythm going. He's super nice.

Who's your dentist? Fine Dental. I gotta go. In Midtown. The girl Rivka, she's a dental hygienist there huge fan of comedy she gives me

discounted dental work wow at the dentist with like legit it's like a very very great office they have a guy on call

massage guy named Peter that massages you after your thing Peter what's his name I don't think that's his real name.

Why would he not use his real name? He's an old Asian man named Peter. That's not their real name. They changed their name so that we can say them. His name is really Yi. Eugene is like a Korean name. I'll bet you a hundred bucks. Ask him what his real name is.

I'll fucking bet you a hundred bucks right now. Yeah. I'll fucking text Rivka right now. Say this Peter. What is Peter's real name? I bet you it's a Gi. Yu. Gong.

Cho. Hey, what is Peter's real name? First name. The massager. Wanting to dox name. The massager. Wanting to dox him. Hey, everybody. What's going on?

It's your old pal Ian to tell you about Manscaped. That's right. It's summer. And you don't want to go out in the water with a bunch of seaweed on you. Look. go out in the water with a bunch of seaweed on you. Look, I don't know if I could keep doing these summer, fall, spring pun euphemisms for Manscaped. Nobody likes it when you got to go into the jungle and chop stuff down with a machete. So do the machete chopping sooner before you go have someone in your jungle okay and manscaped is the machete that you need okay it helps i've heard they have sent us stuff but

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helps the show out really does puts money in our pocket puts money in yours and it takes it out of the pocket of the fucking corporations man I cannot wait until I'm

right and you renege on your hundred dollars you didn't shake on it yeah you should go you should definitely get your chompers looked at do you floss no you don't they don't look good. Really? Quit making the face.

Dude, would you suck? I had his heart with liver mousse. Deontay and Father Beat. That's it Look at it Yeah He's the best

No What's wrong with you? It's the teeth What's going on? Sorry Ian Look at the difference This is you

This is what he does I had a liver with a nice Chianti and fava beans. Wait, can you go like this? Yeah, that's better. No, hey, show your teeth. What? You're retarded. You're retarded.

What? Papa. That's how it is. What the fuck? Look right there in the middle of the lip. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it I can't do it I can't do it

horse I can't believe you watched that the whole thing in Black and White what a good job that guy has I can't believe you watched that, the whole thing in Black and White. Oh, yeah. What a good job that guy has just interviewing. Yeah, soft white underbelly. That dude rules.

You ever see that? He interviews street people, hookers, fucking ex-recovering addicts, schizophrenics. He's great, man. A functional heroin addict. That was an interesting one. Yeah. Will you pass me the pink box? Mm-hmm. What are we going to put in here oh i bet he'd fit in there we should get shelves in here look at how nice this box is building in there oh rivka responded

oh i lol i don't remember but it's some chinese name he works in chinatown over the weekend RIVKA responded. LOL, I don't remember, but it's some Chinese name. He works in Chinatown over the weekend. Give me $100 immediately. Are you serious? Give the one that was on the outside of your wallet. I would have paid you. It's really not just Peter. Are you serious?

I will not speak another word on this podcast until you hand me $100. You lost that bet. Fuck! Yeah. Are you serious? I will not speak another word on this podcast until you hand me $100. You lost that bet. Fuck. Yeah. Are you serious? I would pay you if I was wrong. Well, you know what?

It is the price I have to pay for not being racist. That's right. Yeah. Pay up. It costs you $100 to not be racist. Stupid fucking cunt. Thank you. Little guys, hold that.

Hold on, hold on. I go. She goes, it's G. I go, it's really not just Peter? She goes, hell no. L-M-A-O, that's fake. Use some Mandarin or Cantonese name. I've asked her before.

Peter is his alias. Damn it. Literally, she could have written, Jordan is right. Give her the money. Damn it. Fuck. Yeah, you think Peter Wong's name is Peter? All right, let's make another bet.

What can we bet? Let's make another bet. What can we bet? I'll bet another bet. What can we bet? I'll bet you $100 I won't get back together with later. No, wait, that means that I think you will. Don't you think I will? No, I think you won't. Oh.

Yes. Well, we agree then. Good. Good day. I wouldn't make that bet if I was. Oh, do you have a quarter? Let's do a coin toss. Let's bet on a coin toss. No. I'll't make that bet if I was... Do you have a quarter? Let's do a coin toss. Let's bet on a coin toss.

No. I'll do it. You'll bet another hundred on a coin toss? Yeah, let's go. Fine. I'll bet that hundred. Do you have a quarter? Really bad. Get a quarter. Do not make demands of him. Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Can you please get a quarter? Thank you. You're right. And the man, who knows? The most knowledgeable man is a man that knows nothing. And I'm admitting I... It doesn't make any sense.

The man who knows... The most knowledgeable man is a man who admits he knows nothing. Tails. 100 bucks. Ouch. Fuck you. Tails. No no no

That is tails Because it fell Are you kidding me It fell Are you kidding me It fell The fall doesn't count You flipped it onto your hand

If that had been heads You would have asked for that money back I wouldn't have You're a liar I wouldn't have You're a liar I wouldn't have Swear on Gail

Swear on Gail Swear on Gail That moment where you put it on your hand You would have done it No Swear It fell Let's go again

We can't go again For another hundred. No. Triple or nothing. No. Give me another hundred. You flipped it onto your hand. That is the betting call.

Okay, we need an unbiased flip. Ethan? You are making rules up now. You flipped it into your lap. You pulled it out. No, no. It's not fair because it fell. Rock, paper, scissor.

What the hell is going on? Two out of three. I will flip it. Okay, fine. scissor. What the hell is going on? Two out of three. I will flip it. Okay, fine. A hundred bucks. That hundred on this. You want what? That didn't even flip.

It's tails. That is not how it works. Okay, come on. That's not. That didn't even flip, you dumb bitch. None of us know what it is Is this fair? No I'm not a cheater Fine

Sorry for whipping it I'm very upset Anybody who watches this podcast is going to know you're a cheater You have heads Tails Tails Tails Give me the money you fucking bitch tails heads give me the money you fucking bitch

are you serious you fucking bitch give it to me right now you fucking sucker look at you what did you think was gonna happen what did you think was gonna happen what did you where are you going

what did you think Where are you going? Where is he? Oh. Oh, what did you think was going to happen? Wait. Ethan. Was it tails? Okay. Oh, that is so funny. That's karma, baby.

He would have called that on the heads. That was genuinely just the universe working its way. It was. It was. Oh, God, that's good. That was like three tails in a row. I made 200 bucks just now. Yeah, that was pretty way. It was. It was. Oh, God, that's good. That was like three tails in a row. I made $200 just now. Yeah, that was pretty great. Really fast. Can I have some of it? Yeah. $100?

Yeah. Totally. Yeah, I have like $80 in my account right now. Totally, take $100. I would love that. Yeah. Thanks. I need to eat. I'm really hungry. Take $100. Cool. Thanks, Ian. Y'all should bet more often. Well, he has a problem as you see

I mean that was insane yeah that was like Michael Jordan in the you should get him to last dance you should do some more just take all his money

see how much you can take from him I can't because then what if what about 200 What about $200? You did technically say it was triple or nothing. Well, I brought more money down. Let's bet more. Did you say triple or nothing?

Play it back. Did you say that? Did you say triple or nothing? Triple or nothing. Ian, did you say triple or nothing? Triple or nothing. Ian, did you say triple or nothing? You were prepared to give me $300 on a coin toss? You have to never gamble, dude. Listen to me.

You have to never, ever. Let's rock, paper, scissor. What is going on? Let's rock, paper, scissor. For 200 bucks? Two out of three for 200 bucks. Ready? Let's go.

It's one, two, three, shoot. Ready? One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. You have to give me another $100.

For 200, dude another $100. What are you doing? For $200, dude? $200, what are you doing? This is really what he does with the prostitutes. It's not even for the sex. It's just betting. You can't do this anymore. No, I meant it was for that $200.

What is going on? Alright, let's do one go for all of it back. One shot. And then if you lose, you have to pay me. I'll let you taser me in the chest for five full seconds for the money back. No, what if your heart stops? What's going on?

I don't know. Fuck. How did I just lose all that money? I wonder how. So fast. I was really confident. I knew I should have not gone rock. I should have gone fucking scissor on the last one.

Fuck. None of it affects me at all. And you just kept up. This is truly just the most, like most red flag that you should never gamble ever. My bookie. That was the fastest. Mybookie.com. My bookie.

That was the fastest meltdown I've ever seen. I've never seen anybody lose money that fast. I'll get it back. I'm not going to make any more bets. No, come on. What do you want to bet? The bank is closed. I bet my mom will pick up if I call. You are Michael Jordan

in the last dance, but he can't stop. I'm not betting that. I did not shake on it. And now we have to talk to Gail and I'm going to tell her what happened and she's going to be worried. She doesn't pick up. Oh, thank God, Mom.

Hey, I did pick up. Here I am. Yeah, well, you just won me $400. I can barely hear you. What? I can barely hear you. You just won me $400. I can barely hear you. What? I can barely hear you. You just won me $400.

Absolutely not. Hot diggity dogs. All right, Jordan, give him the money. Because I have the sweetest mom voice in the entire world. Uh-huh. I just bet Jordan $400 that you'd pick up the phone. There you go. How is Jordan?

She's right here. I'm very wealthy at the moment. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Gail. What mom said? We haven't met yet. What? I said, I love you, Jordan, and we haven't even met yet.

I love you, Gail. I can't believe we haven't met. I feel like I know you so well. We haven't even met yet. I love you, Gail. I can't believe we haven't met. I feel like I know you so well. Now, Mom, I just bet Jordan $100 on a coin toss. No, I bet Jordan $100 on a China man's name. You're so stupid. You're so stupid.

And I lost. And then I bet double or nothing on a coin toss. And I lost. And then I bet double or nothing on rock, paper, scissors. And I kept losing. So now you're calling your mom. No, she has $400 of my money. Your first instinct was to call your mom and be like, help.

Are you kidding? You really? He lost $400 in four minutes. It was crazy. The longest amount of time he took was going to get more money. Yeah. Oh my God. You two are quite a pair.

Let me tell you. Quite a pair? She's stealing my money. No, I'm not. Yeah, you're my brother and sister. That's how they treat one another. He's losing it willy-nilly. I keep trying to get him to stop,

but then he bets double or nothing. You're good enough to give it to her. You're just handing it over to her. Why shouldn't she take it? Because I keep thinking I'll win. Well, you shouldn't have given her my money. But then I bet it all that you would pick up and you did, and she's not giving me what's mine, mommy.

I didn't shake on that you would pick up. I knew you'd pick up, Gail, because you're a good mom. Did you hear that? No. Oh, okay. I'm a good mom. Yeah, she said she knew you'd pick up because you're a good mom. All right, I get to go. Oh, I have to show it. My tooth. Oh, I didn't get the root canal today. a good mom yeah she said she knew you'd pick up because you're a good mom alright I gotta go

where's your tooth oh I didn't get the root canal today I'm getting it tomorrow oh Jesus Mary alright love you bye no more betting after this next bet no more betting

alright yeah yeah that's gonna happen love you bye No more betting. Here we go. All right. Yeah, yeah. That's going to happen. All right. Love you. Bye. Love you. Bye. I feel like I just blacked out.

What are you looking at? Elphaville. Is that in Manhattan? I don't know, dude. Can I have my money back? No way. It's so you're such a baby here. Let's see what my mom.

I'm going to let you have the money. I mean, Jesus Christ. It's so you're such a baby here. Let's see what my mom. I'm going to let you have the money. I mean, Jesus Christ. Are you going to tell your mom that I took my mom? Whatever. You can't take it with you when you die. Joba. Mom.

Yeah, honey. I'm calling you on the podcast. Okay, but I'm out to dinner with PJ. Well, listen to this. You want to say hi to PJ? Hi, PJ. She says hi. What's up, PJ?

Can I borrow $400? Sorry. Ignore him. Ian just bet me. Listen to this. Hey, good. How are you doing? Wow.

My mom knows everybody. Celebrity. What are we talking about? Ian bet me $100 that this guy was a Chinese man. He didn't accent and everything. He said, oh, my name is the Peter. And I said, that's not his real name. I'm loaning a Chinese guy $300. I'm happy to do it

That's really nice of you I'm about to tape my eyes back Fucking talking Mandarin Just so I can get some money We are in the hospital you guys Wait Oops wait Talking Mandarin. Just fucking get some money. We are in the hospital, you guys. Wait, oops, wait. Okay. All right, mama.

This is the room you were born in. Oh, this way. Are you at a hospital? I am sweating. Well, we're at Gola Osteria, which used to be a hospital that PJ was born in, and maybe me too. And when you walk down the hall, you're like, whoa, I am in a hospital. But what is it now? It's a residential place, but it's got, you've never been to Gola? We're going to go there next time.

It's so cool here. Gola Osteria, that restaurant. Okay, I just lost $400. That's on Valentine. Ian's mad because he gambled away $400 to me and I won it. What? Ian gambled $400 and lost it to me. I know.

I love this. I got to go. Can I call you back after I drop these guys off? Okay, bye. She's deaf. That explains so much. My mom's like, Ian, hi, yes. And your mom's like, what?

I'm giving a Chinese man $300. I'm in a hospital. Anyway, and you're just like, Mama, listen to me. Mama. Mama. Mama. Fuck, I am sweating.

Man, I really... Why'd you let me do that? I'm happy to do it. Why did I let you? I tried to not let you. I tried to stop you. Where'd you put it? It's in my pocket, dude.

It's coming home with me. I'm giving some to Ethan, and then I'm taking the rest. And I'm using it for all the money that you, all the merch money, sorry. You cunt. That's what you get. It's the universe. You know that I, we're not,

we're talking about this off the park. That's what he's doing. Is he a bag of Coke? Yeah. Oh, dude, can I have those shoes back? I will sell you these shoes.

Message me on Instagram. These shoes could be yours. $400. You're just a sick person. You're just a really sick person. And you don't know it. You're really sick in the head.

You're really fucked up. You shouldn't have. You lost your fucking mind. You gambled away so much money. You're a really sick person and you don't know it.

You have a serious problem. Your eyes turned black. It was so crazy. My eyes go black like a wing of crow. And I had no money to lose. We bet it over a chinese man's real name he would bet it that a chinese man's real name wasn't peter a man who you who you told me

beforehand didn't speak english you went he sounds like this. I thought his family tried to Americanize him for a better life. No, he Americanized himself. Fuck. I love how Rivka was like, oh, hell no. That's an alias. Give her the money. He's a Chinatown urchin. Oh, my God.

Fuck. Whatever. It's fine. Right? Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. You didn't pay for my Uber last night. I. Whatever. It's fine. Right? Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. You didn't pay for my Uber last night. I told you I wouldn't. No, I know.

You said no. That's something. Uh-huh. So you only lost $370. Shut up. Just shut up. Oh, no, dude.

I woke up and my eyes were At my house? Swollen? Swollen, Chad. Whatever. You look fine. I should sell some of this liquid death. Oh my God.

Oh my God. You're just churning. I bet I could sell the liquid death for five bucks a can. You lost the money to a bet. Just like you did. You're not well. You're not well at all. You have something. You really need to take care of it.

You're gonna sell Ethan's body. You're gonna- You're gonna- Boy for sale! Boy in the basement for sale. Oh, you know what you can do? They actually, it's $400. There is a place a couple bucks down.

It's a clinic that if you give them only one kidney, they'll give you 500 bucks on the spot. You don't need both. You want to bet it? I'll put the kidney on something. Got that kidney money cowboy killers isn't that so cool that's the coolest

I love that 200 bucks for the box it's a good box you could do this hello wait can we put the box in the box? Were the guys in the box?

The sneakers were in the box. Oh yeah. Cool. Vandals. Harmful to your health. Quitting Vandal reduces health risks. Soft. So nice. It's so aesthetically pleasing. Wearing Vandal Cowboy Killers may lead to

additional haters, heartbreaks, and pregnancies. Wear it at your own risk. Vandal loves you. That's nice. Maybe we put it on the wall and this is where we put fan letters. And we open it like this. Time to read your fan mail. Oh, 442 Lorimer Street, Suite D

number 273, Brooklyn, New York, 11206. Send us some fan mail. Speaking of suite D, a porn star said you had a nice date today. That's right.

And I won $400. I'm going to superglue those lips shut. Oh, fuck. I'm down $800 because I paid her $400 to say I had a nice dick. Oh, man. I thought I'd get a bigger lip.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. She said I had a nice hog. Great. Doesn't put fucking money in my pocket. Here's some money you want to make a bet it's my mom calling shaping up no oh i got this all over me hi mom i Mom. I'll call you back. We're still recording. I'd be happy to give it to him. She sounded like that kid in the...

She sounded like that kid in the... Have you seen the little kid who's getting dropped off to school? And she goes, Bite! Bite! You haven't seen that little kid? What is this? She's on the internet. No. I don't want to look at money anymore. God damn it.

I'm a little vandal. How do I make 400 bucks quick? Would you bet? We should do another bet. What? What are you laughing at? I'm laughing at you. What bet do you want to do? All or nothing? What do you laughing at? I'm laughing at you. What bet do you want to do?

All or nothing? What do you want to bet? I got more money upstairs. This is fun. You want to bet $400? What? Bet $400, what? I am sweating.

Fuck. I think you can put a nice cigarette near some cards. Or it'll be a rushing nesting doll of cigarettes. Yeah. It doesn't fit. I don't know. I've heard that before. I'll bet you $400 that if

we go measure your dick, it is not seven and a half like you said. I'll bet you $500 that it is. No, I don't trust your measurements. We measuring from tip to tail? We measuring from outside to inside? We measuring from the crack of my ass to the top of my head?

We measuring from yesterday to tomorrow? We gonna measure from this ass to the top of my head. We measuring from yesterday to tomorrow? We gonna measure from this block to the next block? We measuring from eating stick to my dick? We talking about from the knee

to the tip of my balls, heck. I'll put money down on that. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Do you want this guy because this is you now? It's me sad and all my teeth are pe me because I'm running away with With all my money Jesus Christ What the fuck was that?

And why is it so phlegmy? It's from the sickness last week Get down with the sickness Please Jordan Give me back my fucking money. All right, listen. Josh Adam Myers should be on the pod. Yeah. But he has to bring the dog.

No. Then he can't come. What? How's this? I got an idea. This is a comedy podcast and that was just a bit nope no because that was real money not fake money we have lots of fake money around us you could use how about and i tried to stop you the whole way no the only way to stop you said i could you said i could hold the taser to you I'll let you tase me for five full seconds

If I can have the money back In my chest In my solar plexus He said that Strap me down like this And just fucking tase me I'll eat the rest of that bag of candy For four hundred dollars

I'll take that. I'll shove that pregnancy test up my ass. See, my ass pregnant. You have to shove the rest of these up your ass. I'll shove one of those up my ass right now and I'll eat them. All of them. Every one of those. I want you to have a pirate

booty. And you'll give me the money back. Every one of those into your ass? How many are there? A lot Oh that's too many To go in my ass If there was three I swear to god I'd do it I'd fucking sit on them so fast

You wouldn't believe I'd sit on them so fast before you could say How many times has a penis been in your mouth? I mean, in your butt? Three. Really? You didn't like it? Was it special penises?

No, baby. Really? Hogs. Did you like the people and that's why you let them? The owner's name was Devrin. Bass Devrin. Yeah, no, I didn't like it. It hurted.

How many have been in your book? Three. Really? Same with Devrin. Yeah, look at us, twins. Yeah, there was the Irish guy, Paul, Jack. Nice. I've been told I have a boyfriend dick.

It's not too big, not too small, just right. It fits great in butts because it's not super hoggy. It's nice. It fits. Maybe four, actually. Some of the guys I've been with don't have a penis or that. Yeah, four dicks. Some of the guys I've been with don't have a penis or that. Yeah, four dicks. Freak show dick.

One guy wanted to fuck me in the ass and he has a bunch of videos on Twitter of him jerking off on the subway. Let's see. I forget his handle. How'd you meet him? Grindr. How did he show you the videos?

Because it was on his profile. Did you say you're fucked up? And women are afraid of you? No, no. It's empty trains. Oh. Empty trains at like four in the morning. Alone.

A nice penis? Dog. Julian. Julian's the one you asked to come over there. And he talks like this. He's black? Yeah, yeah. He's the one you asked to come over there. And he talks like this. He's black? Yeah, he's like, damn, that's a fuzzy hole.

Is he gay? Well, that guy doesn't sound... No, Jordan, he's not gay. Well, he could just be black. And blowing me? No. And he's not gay? Yeah, if you're black, you can blow somebody and just be black. And blowing me? No. And he's not gay? Yeah, if you're black, you can blow somebody and not be gay.

That's a rule. But what if I blow somebody? Gay. Gay. Fuck. You know, like jail? That's all right. What? Go go in jail. what about it okay okay the black guys

are just spreading their culture of your own mind what if you're in the jail that we call being a homosexual i cannot believe you're still eating that candy i'll God, it looked like chewing tobacco. I'll let you punch me in the chest for $100. Now you're trying to get small amounts of it back. That's even worse. For $25 of those dollars, I'll let you

You want to headbutt me? And hurt myself? I thought you were going to headbutt me? and hurt myself? I thought you were going to say and hurt my friend but thanks what do you want to do to me for money? fine, how about this? yeah I will give you this

I will give you this $400 back if you go, what day is it? Wednesday the? 28th if you go until the day is it? Wednesday. The? 28th. If you go till the 28th without having sex. The 28th of July. Mm-hmm.

Fuck you. Okay. That's not worth $400. Okay, great. That's 400. If you do $1,000. You can't go one month. I didn't say no jerking off and I almost did.

Could you? Yes. Why do I do that all the time? A thousand bucks. What the hell is going on? $400. No, it's not worth $400. Something in the moment now that I can get the money back.

Huh? What do you do at casino? I bet I can chug a liquid ass faster than you. I'm not betting the money. I'm not an idiot. Why don't you kick me? You want to kick me for the money? Huh? I'll swallow this whole bottle of pills

for $13. I'll glue my fingers together. You said what? I seriously would let you kick me in the head for $400 right now.

I'm talking field goal kick right in the noggin. just fucking right upside the head fucking waterboard me jordan who are these guys jordan jordan pour liquid death on my face and waterboard me for four hundred dollars right now you want to that'll be a fun bit. Huh? You want to? Come on. Pour it. Pour it. That's it for you. Pour it.

That's it for you. Pour it. Come on. 400 bucks. Waterboarding. Ian, you have a serious problem. You have to look at yourself. Ian, there's something deeply wrong with you.

Oh, terrorism so bad Okay, cool, I'll take that money back You just drank water through a bag Oh, I got them all over the couch God damn it Can I have the money back, please water how does waterboarding work that you can't see oh it's a towel and then you go get a towel i'm not gonna waterboard you Because I want the money

Why? It's my money No seriously Waterboard me I want you to learn your lesson I'll learn it if you waterboard me I have always wanted to try waterboarding We can do it but not for $40

Where's the taser? You have to come back. Give me my fucking money back. You haven't even thought of it. Give me my fucking money back. I'll kill myself. I'll fucking kill myself. We'll get demonetized for this.

Wow, that's more money out of my pocket. All right. Never mind. That was too much. What do you want me to do? I'll do it. I want you to drop it. I'll smoke two cigarettes at once.

No, that's not what I want. Quit smoking? For how long? Ten minutes. I said no sex for one month. No sex in the champagne room. I kind of like these now. Yeah, they're kind of good, right?

I'll eat them all in one bite. What if I did that? Which is all in my mouth. You're not getting the money back. Unless you don't sleep with somebody for one month. But what if I ever sleep with someone and not tell you? I'll have Ethan as an ally.

And don't tell Ethan. I have a camera one month no sex then you get the money back 400 no but you gotta do interest added to it yes at least 600 bucks you just start having trouble with my hand.

600 bucks. You said nothing about hand stuff. Come on. What about blowjobs? Could I get blowjobs? That's gay sex. You're really putting me in a fucking box here, lady. Fine.

Take the fucking money. I'm going to get laid. Fine. But I probably should not get laid. Well, if you accidentally don't have sex for a month, then you can get it back anyway. I'm going to get my room. What do you want to have sex with?

Who's calling you? Don't pick up Fuck, should I do it? You know what? I piss $400 I'll do it, shake my hand Hey, we're recording, Ian just lost $400 Are you going to fucking tell the world? He's really upset about it $400. I'll do it. Shake my hand. Hey, we're recording. Ian just lost $400. Are you going to fucking tell the world?

He's really upset about it. You are telling the world. Wait, are you in Williamsburg? Tell him to come over. It's $400 to get my apartment. There's a cover. Is it Williamsburg or is it Manhattan? Oh, God.

There's a fucking cover. Get in. Yeah. Okay, I'll call you after. Okay, bye. Dude, I was so fucking confident that the guy's name was Peter. Why did they do that? Oh my God.

Why did they have to make American names? Wait, what are the five steps of grief? Why don't we... Why don't... Now we're in blame. Use your real fucking name, dickhead. Wait, what are they? I'll fucking call you Qui-Con.

What are we doing? Why does your name have to be Peter when it's your real name? You are going to. Keep your culture, asshole. What is the first one? Denial. Right, that's when he was like,

you're giving me the money back. This is just a bit. Now. Anger. Yeah, now we're in anger. Fuck the Chinese. Now we're in what? Bargaining.

And then depression. I'm very sad. I don't think it's hit yet. It hasn't hit yet. It will hit. And then acceptance. Everything happens for a reason. You can't jump the gun here.

There's going to be a depression. And also, and also, also, I, I, I, I went rock too many times

and I knew I should have not gone rock do you want to go again? no fine not double or triple or nothing just for another single hundo okay two out of three okay

come on I'm hoping I lose Come on. I'm hoping I lose. I'm hoping I lose. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, no. Oh, no. no oh no oh no oh shit oh no all right come on let's just get it over with

your book he has your bookie has A cigarette with your wife In your face And your poor wife at home Who's losing everything It's just I'm sweating Alright one more One more Okay

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot Rock, paper, scissors, shoot Rock, paper, scissors, shoot Yes Give me the fucking hundred bitch Yes I fucking knew it! Let's go again.

Come on. I'll win it back. Yay! Yeah! Let's go, let's go. Okay. Okay. Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh my god. Yes. Alright. Cool. Okay. That's it. That's all I'm willing to bet back.

No, no, no. We're even now. Yeah, I know. No, no, no. I think it was even. Yeah, it's it. That's all I'm willing to bet back. No, no We're even now. Yeah, I know no, no, I think it was even that's even like we got to do one more rock-paper-scissors Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, we're even Because I'm an honest man, I'm an honest gambler. It's because you have a problem. Alright, alright, alright. Alright. Yes! Dude! Dude. You feel happy?

Life is cool. Life is good. One more double or nothing. If for the whole pot, and then it's like I didn't even lose anything. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Wait. You know what you have to pay me? This 200 bucks? Yeah. Yeah. If I win. You give me? This 200 bucks? Yeah. Yeah. If I win. You give me that 200. Let's go.

Come on. Okay. Come on. Okay. This is amazing. Your eyes. You're a jerk! Yes!

I just want my fucking money back! I just want my fucking money back! I'm so glad you feel better. I'm so glad. That is the greatest. All right. 400 or nothing. Do you have it?

No, stop. For the love of God. Yes, dude! I did it! I did it! I did it! I've won it back! I knew I would!

I knew you would, too. Oh! And you just kick-started his intense gambling addiction. No, that... It ends there. No, no. Put your teeth... Put your teeth... Where did you...

Oh, my God. Where did your shirt go? Where did your shirt go? The feeling I just got getting that back. Why did you take your shirt? Oh, my God. It helped me win. Holy shit.

Where am I at this weekend? San Antonio. You can gamble in Texas. You can't gamble. You can't gamble. That's not going to happen again. Dude, Mina Tower going to Tulsa. Oh you mean to tell her we're going to Tulsa? Oh, shit.

I wanted to have his money back, but I also didn't. Do you mean to tell her we're going to Tulsa? I shouldn't have given it back to him. We're going to go to the Indy Casino? You gambled away my money, too. What if he gambles the podcast money? I wouldn't do that. Okay, I'll kill Samson.

No, I'm going to be hungry this week because of you. Give him 100 bucks. No, I'm just kidding. You can fucking bet me for it. I'm not betting you anything. Ooh, bet him. I don't have anything to bet. What if? I'm going to be hungry this week because of you. Give him 100 bucks. No, I'm just kidding. You could fucking bet me for it. I'm not betting you anything. Ooh, bet him. I don't have anything to bet. I'm poor.

Every month, we bet the Patreon money. And then I don't live? No, you could. If you beat me, you'll get double. Look, Ian, what are you talking about? Yeah, what is this? That's a fucking bit. For the show.

You should not gamble. Listen to bit. You should not gamble. Listen to me. You should not gamble. I'm genuinely afraid of what you just unlocked. No, no, no. He does this every time he goes to a casino. He's called me before a hundred times to say he's won two pennies.

I won! I won! It's the middle of the night. I won two pennies! I got two pennies! I put all my money on it. I won! I want. It's the middle of the night. I want your money. I got your money. I'm putting all my money on it. I want. I got your money, man. I am sitting in liquid death right now.

Is my ass wet? Absolutely. Is my ass wet? Yeah. Oh, I got wet all over my ass. You almost put it back in again. That guy, we didn't go that route. Oh man, I got wet all over my ass.

That is funny. That is some funny shit. God damn. Oh God. We are the champions. No time for losers. God damn. What time are we at? I got to go.

Wow. Wow. That flew by. Thanks for coming. What do you got to plug? Jordan Jensen Comedy.com Bye-bye. Bye bye