Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 052: Brain Zaps W/ Joe DeRosa & Joanna Angel

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan

You can do better. Welcome to Being Ian with Jordan. Welcome to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan. It's, oh, safety. Your old pal Ian here. Sorry. With Jordan. You just burped after. I farted. And then you burped. When did pal Ian here. Sorry. With Jordan. You just burped after.

I farted. And then you burped. When did I burp? Sorry. No, no, that was me going. Sorry. And we're happy to have our guest today, Joe DeRosa. It helps if the rat is looking at you.

I have so much to say. I can't wait. We have another guest, but she's not here yet. So let me start with... Yes. You're happy to be here. Seeing the clip that Bobby Lee did this show was what made me say, okay, I should do it.

Really? We have people begging to get on the pod and you have this fucking guy. No, no, no. I'm kidding. The Hasidic DJ, all he needs is for Jordan to surrender. When you did ask me, I was like, this week might not be good. Maybe it can wait.

Then I saw Bobby was on and I was like, shit, this is a hot ticket. I better hop on while I have a chance. So I get here. Ian tells me 3.30, then he texts me again a second time and says 3. Yes, this is my fault. As you would take that as actually 3 p.m.

So fine. Right. Yeah. So then I get here at 258. I walk in. He you're you're you're very welcoming. Yeah. Oh, thank you.

He comes out of his bedroom. You were also what Ethan everybody was welcoming. Yeah. But you come out of your bedroom. Now, let me just tell you why I hate doing podcasts, including my own. Yes. Because it never starts on time. It takes

forever. Yes. You spend I can't even begin to break down the Uber money I've spent on getting to podcasts. We can get you an Uber money. I got you. That was a passive aggressive way to get the Uber money covered. I got you. Don't worry. No, but it's just, I'm just speaking in general. Hey, can you go into the residual account from Better Call Saul and get us money to get Uber?

Yeah, there you go. Thank you. So I'm here. You have to accept a massive shipment of liquid death. Yes, immediately. That takes three people, four trips to the van to do. I'm not from. Hold on, Jordan. Don't trust me. You're going to like where this is going.

I want you to include how you walked in and what happened with Ian entering. What? Ian comes out of a dark dungeon. Dressed like that. What's wrong with how I dress? Just sleepy as fuck. Literally snoring until I'm going, Ian! Ian!

I thought that was a dream. I thought I was dreaming. So, yes, that did happen. Thank you. You're going to really like where this is going. So, four trips of liquid death. Now I'm annoyed because I'm like, every fucking podcast with a liquid death already. You know what I mean?

And then Ian's like, we need to do our promo shoot now in front of the pile of liquid death. So I'm standing there three times. He's like, do you want a coffee? I'm like, nope, nope, nope. Just kind of being like, nope, let's just do the thing that I came all the way to Brooklyn to do. Yeah. It's 305. I'm a real prick with time.

Anyway. So then. We're the opposite. We're pricks, but the opposite way. So then he goes. Then he goes, we have another guest coming i go all right and he goes she's late let's hold you go no let's just go i go and i go this is how much of an asshole i am now i go to other people's podcasts i go why don't we just start yeah uh-huh she'll be here you know what i mean i come in like with producer energy that's good good. We need that. Which is good.

Which is why when I was given budgets to shoot things and direct my own things, I delivered on time and under budget every fucking time. Wow. And that's the way to be. Anyway, so that happens. And then Ian's like,

okay, well, I guess fourth time. Let's just walk down the street and get a coffee. Nobody wants a coffee. He always does this. He makes it seem like he's doing a favor when he's doing it for him. That's a nice gesture. It's not. It's selfish. It's so transparent how selfish it is.

What do you mean it's fucking selfish, you fucking cocksucker? Why is it selfish? I'm going to explain why. I'm going to explain why. Because then we come downstairs. Then he goes, I got to go get a coffee. He's mad that nobody took the gift coffee so he could get his own coffee.

And you go, you don't need a goddamn coffee. Here's what I'm getting at. Yeah. Well, it's about damn time. We're almost at the end of the hour. Jesus Christ. Here's what I'm getting at I've known you for a long time yes you're a friend of mine yes I don't know Jordan at all in fact this is probably only the second time I've ever met you I don't even know if I've ever met you

before this actually to be honest I've seen you on the internet but I don't know if we've ever met I know I feel the same way so in seeing clips, I was intimidated about coming onto the podcast. Cause like that Jordan chick seems like kind of like mean or something. And now you get kind of scared of her. And then today I was like, she's so right. It's all Ian. Ian does this to her and puts her in this state before the cameras roll.

You don't even know anything. That's what happens. You know what? It's so obvious. That's what happens. You know what? It's so obvious that that's what happens. Oh, yeah. Obvious in your fucking not reality world glasses that you have on. What does that mean?

It's a healthy laugh. Keep smoking. With Marlboro's almost spilling out of your pocket as you wheeze laugh. I will say, the one benefit is I can be brutally. We were just eating, and my friend called me, FaceTimed, and he leaned over and went, hey, Michaela, are you single? And she's trying to talk to her friend.

She doesn't know he's there. And I just turned to him and went, there's something wrong with you. And he pushed his with you and he like pushed his coffee aside and was like i'm being a little much i think i'm gonna have to take a little lay down he lays down i'm like okay i'm feeling like a sense of peace he wakes up immediately back in the bullshit we gotta wait for her to come he goes can you guys carry the liquid death i have a bad back not bad enough to fucking plow out of the state of Alaska, okay? Oh, wow. He can have sex with...

We can have sex with women. Were you going to say whores? Yeah. All day long, he can fucking... He can stage dive, but the second he needs to carry... I'll let you know. But the second he needs to carry one fucking box

to help somebody, he's back hooked. Rides his bike everywhere. Wait, give me a fist on that. No, and... No tasing, no tasing. Wait, give me a fist on that. No. And. No tasing. No tasing. Wait.

Is that a real taser? Yeah. And you're going to get it. Get that away from me. Be nice. One of the more masculine responses we've had to that. Just so you know. Except he did his head on the wall.

Well, that's fucking crazy. Is that a real taser? Yeah. That's insane. No, it's not. What's the matter with you It's fun You have to put it down I can't go get coffee

I guess I'll have the Lord's coffee I want to compliment you on this studio I've never seen a podcast studio like this The wood paneling and memorabilia Excuse me Everybody Copied us studio like this. The wood paneling and memorabilia. Excuse me. Excuse me. Everybody copied us. Everybody copied us.

Where's the taser? Oh my god. Stop it. I'm just joking. Take back. I take it back. I'm just joking. We can't threaten people with the taser because they don't know that you won't do it.

I won't. I know you won't, but they don't know that. You'll be the first guest I tase. It's nice that the RU Garbage guys let you record. They stole our set. No, not RU Garbage. KFC Radio stole us. This is different than RU Garbage. This is real memorabilia. This is a basement.

I'm just joking. I know. I'm just joking. This one actually was, I think, arguably the first one I ever saw that did this. I like it quite a bit. I'm being joking. I know. I'm just joking. This one actually was, I think, arguably the first one I ever saw that did this. I like it quite a bit. You were lying. I'm being really serious. I'm being serious. I'm just breaking your balls.

I'm being very serious. Give me the taser. This part's serious. That part was ball breaking. Thank you for that. Yes, they are both wood paneling. But this has already been on. Where'd you get this wood paneling?

From a store. Nice store. You're right. It is. Yeah. This is good. It's so You're right, it is. Yeah. This is good. It's so weird when you see the set. You know what happened with this basement?

So he goes, so I keep doing a podcast with him a couple times upstairs, right? Just hell. Just trying to fit on that horrible couch, right? Hold on. No, no, shut your mouth. We need to take the bathroom door off. Yes, okay. Put the camera recessed in the bathroom.

I've heard the whole story from- Put a table. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, please, you have a whole basement downstairs. Let's just do it, right? And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. It's a bad idea.

We shouldn't do the basement. I don't know how I talk, man. And then the second this girl dumps him, I come over. He's been like, I had this great idea. I'm going to turn the basement into the studio. No credit, nothing. I gave you credit. No, you did not. You into the studio. No credit. Nothing. I gave you credit.

You planted the seed and she watered it. What were you doing with this space? Running it out. It was a bedroom. Letting a man named Carl stay down here for free. A guy named Carl. Who's no longer with us. I bought his bicycle, I believe.

You did, yeah. I just sell it because he fucking Alright, don't get yourself in any. Don't get us into I bought his bicycle, I believe. You did, yeah. I just sell it because he fucking... All right, don't get yourself in any... Don't get us into any Patreon problems here. Okay, you know what? I got some air to grieve. Grievances to air. With me?

No. Oh, okay. That fucker moved out and didn't pay his last month's rent. Fuck you. Second grievance. My merch guy took our merch off his site. And ghosted me because I used another merch guy and also made a trans joke that he didn't like. And now he's not responding to me.

If you use another merch guy, that's kind of fucked up. No. Because this guy was podcast merch and the other guy was finance merch. Oh, okay. And instead of having a conversation, he fucking deleted the page, blocked me, ignored me. So I sent him an email.

The subject said, merch slash fuck you. Uh-huh. When? I gave it to him yesterday. Gave it to him. Can I ask you something? Okay.

Is it our Beavis and Butthead merch? No, no, no. What merch do we have? No, no, no. What merch do we have? No, no, no. It was a merch site. Merch site. What merch were we selling? The B&E and Jordan merch.

We've just been selling merch this whole time? We haven't been making that much money from it. What's going on? Where does this go? You tell me where it goes. The ad account money lady. I have all of it. Yeah. What? I have all of it. Well, me where it goes. The ad account money lady. I have all of it.

I have all of it. Well, then give it some. Where does the merch go? Just right into your little stupid pocket? No, you know where the merch goes. I spend all the truth. Because it's not to be found. You saw that? It is weird. You saw those eyes whip around? It's kind of weird. Yeah, it is weird. Go ahead. Look at you stoking flames.

Where is it? Where does that go? Where does that money go? You guys should be looking at all your money together. Yeah, we should. We are. We're not getting into it. That's both of you. I'm speaking to both of you.

She should not have eyes on money, and you should not have eyes on money. You should have eyes on all money together. I have no eyes. Yes. No, she doesn't have eyes. I thought he just said you're the ad person. No, no. I set up a bank

account. The ad money got put in there. Right? And then we moved it to Ian so we could have an LLC. And now Ian doles out allowance to us like we're little doggies. Yeah. And guess what? She has more followers than you do. I've been going back with the fucking ad people going, hey, we still haven't received any ads. We haven't received

any money. We've been doing ads since December. We've been depositing checks every month, blah, blah. Fine, I'll let go of the ad money if you show me the other money. They put the fucking ad money in her account that was never dissolved. She's just been getting free money. No, I haven't been spending it. Well, it's been getting dumped into your fucking account. I spent it on the cameras.

Yeah, and I spend my money on cameras, too. But I spent, like, a lot of that money. Okay, question number two, Where's the merch money go? Where's that get funneled into? Where's that connected to? You know where that goes? You know where that goes? Ethan wants us to move on.

No, I have to get an answer to this. Good point, Ethan. Good point. Is it bad? I don't want to know. You know where the merch money goes? Back into fucking buying more merch to sell. Where does that then go?

Well, that's the thing. Back into more merch to sell. Where does that then go? Well, that's the thing. Back into more merch to sell. Shut up, Joe. Wow, that sounded like such a lie. It's crazy. It's not a lie. It's not a lie. You know where the merch profits go?

Back into more merch to sell. No, no, no. That sounded so nuts. What I'm wondering is what bank account is hooked up to our merch. That's what I want to know. The merch guy takes the money that is made and it's in a pot and so he has dissolved

our relationship and I don't have access to that money so I'm trying to contact him to go give me the fucking money that's owed. Well an email subject line fuck you might get the job done. Well it'll get his fucking attention. Well yeah but you can't but the merch guy we use now. I hear you. I like that you

did that, but you can't approach it like that. The guy that we use now, Cold Cuts, Cold Cuts merch, Johnny Cold Cuts, the best. It sounds like he's on the up. I go to a guy named Cold Cuts. Okay, sandwich shop owner. Generally, you don't want a guy with a

nickname. No, their business is called Cold Cuts. No, I know. I'm just kidding. We're going to Johnny Ham and Cheese. Yeah, yeah. I got a new podcast. It's Jimmy Fish Lips.

He's a good guy. But he is actually good. The shirts he made are good. He's the fucking best. Whereas the other places... I'll check out Cold Cuts merch. I like the name. Yeah. It's thick.

Yeah. Thick shirts. Oh, I like a thick shirt. All of this said to say I'm happy you're here. But what account is hooked up to the merch? Okay, fine.

It's just very shady. It's shady. You've been getting fucking ad money dumped into your account. You didn't even realize it. Yeah, because I made it for the podcast. It's just sitting there.

Not getting sent to Jordan Jensen. We have a guest. I didn't even know we were selling merch. I didn't even know we were doing that. I've told you a million times. Is this how it always is? And you don't listen. Yeah.

Okay. All right. It was just asking. I don't know. What does it look like? I don't even know what it looks like. What were you guys like when you drank? I mean, you must have been disastrous.

I would have, I would just, I had a dick in my mouth, so I was much quieter. I would fight a lot and then get beat up because I was putting dicks in my mouth in secret. Okay. I wasn't okay with it. By the guy with the dick in his mouth. Get off, man! Yeah. You would fight people because you were angry for being-

Oh, I would go out to people and just smack drinks out of their hand and be like, what the fuck are you going to do? And I'd blackout and wake up and some guy's about to be like, did we love each other? Well, you were like a big guy, too, weren't you? No, I was. I was a little wiry guy. There's something about Ian's body shape and Bobby Lee's. That's like I was thinking about it. And they're a little like like there's something about being his height

and his stature that makes them into little like sex humpers. You know what I mean? Their clothes come off easily. I'm really convinced this is a thing. Sex humpers. Like people with your, like Bobby Lee I was watching his live podcast and he like just took his clothes off. You know what I mean? Yeah, Bobby is. But I think there's something. Bobby, I've known

Bobby for a long time. He likes to I've seen his clothes come off a lot I think it's related I think you're closely related to Like little pigs Yeah that's a guess You know what I envy About Bobby is

He's the kind of guy Like just everything about his whole Makeup period He like can I feel like he can wake up and put anything on and it makes sense. Look cool. And he doesn't like he can show up to anything exactly how he is. Like I'm so envious of that. Weird.

I'm envious that this looks like it took a little time, though. Like you're usually your shorts are pressed. You don't have wrinkly clothing. Pressed? Bobby could be, like, full wrinkles, and it would, like, somehow look fine. It would look fine for some reason. Speaking of looking fine, we have someone special here. We do.

That I am so excited about. Come sit right here. Long-time fan. Come sit next to Joe. Hi. Speaking of Joe, it's Joanna Angel. Hey, hey. Hi.

Thank you for the liquid death. Yeah. Yeah. We brought you lots of water. Thank you for coming. Yeah. This is so wonderful. Do you two know each other?

No, no, we never met. Joe, Joanna, Joanna, Joe. Joe, have you seen any of her work? Before you came down, he was like, I watch all of it. No, I did not say that. Yeah. I said I was, she said. Look at him stutter.

No, no, no. She said she's very popular. I said, but yeah, she's very popular. I know she is. Yeah, yeah. He showed up to the house and goes, I'm going to be next to this chick. And it was a video you like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That didn't happen. And we're like, that's not her. Oh, yeah, that's her. That's her. I see, I see, I see. I'm a big fan of hers right now. Oh, thank you. I think she's really funny.

Isn't she great? Yeah, yeah. She's the best. We love her. I really liked her, her Adderall bit. Oh, thank you. On Instagram yesterday.

Are you suffering? I sent it to like a hundred of my friends because I actually have like a group text that's like, like, where to get it,

where to get Adderall, you know what I mean? And it's all like, oh, if you go to this CV, like exactly what you made a joke about was exactly what me

and a few of my friends are doing. I actually had to, which is so weird because I feel like a drug addict or something. I actually have a prescription. Me too.

You know, I have ADD. I certified, been to a doctor. people can't get have ADD. That's what's crazy. I certified been to a doctor. People can't get Adderall. Here's what happened. They pulled it. They shorted it, which is not true. Okay, who's taking it? Who's taking it? All the pharmacists. They're like, no, we have no more Adderall.

And the Gen Z's are all on it and all the millennials are on it. So then there could be a shortage, but I've also heard that they're just trying to wean us back so that they can charge us for it because everybody's so addicted to it. Right. So then basically all my friends are on Adderall. And if you call them, you're like, hey, where are you getting it?

And they're like, OK, you can get extended release from CVS on Thursdays. They're usually I found this one. Yeah. Right. Right. And if you take your drug, you it's very I could sit and talk about this, you know, for the whole episode. It would be really boring. One person who's not affected, cousinousin Sharon. His cousin gets 60 milligrams

or something like that a day. Wait, what? Yeah. And she just gets these pills. I've never seen them before in my life. She'll sell them. You want them? I'll call up Sherry right now.

Put that weird hand away, please. It's okay. You know, I have figured out a temporary solution. Coke. You know, it only takes, well, Coke only lasts for 15 minutes. Yeah, it sucks.

I know. It's terrible. Meth would be much better. Oh, yes. It would be a lot better. What's your temporary solution? Well, oh, lasts for 15 minutes. Yeah, it sucks. I know. It's terrible. Meth would be much better. Oh, yes. It would be a lot better. What's your temporary solution? Well, oh, I mean, like, just I figured out a pharmacy that has what I needed. Don't tell it.

Don't say anything. No, I don't tell anyone. Yeah, hoard it for yourselves. I have a friend who's a nurse. Yeah, I sound like a drug addict. I have a prescription. And, like, they will give the nurse, you know, like, I basically go to the hospital that she works at because the doctors can get like first dibs. Yeah.

It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. But I got off it because I started I was like if something if shit hits the fan and they really take this away, I do not want to be dependent on it. Yeah. And I mean, even Prozac, I think I would be able to get off it. I would just have the name. That's a millennial drug. I haven't heard that. Do people still take Prozac? I take Prozac, I think I would be able to get off it. I would just have the... That's a millennial drug.

I haven't heard that. Do people still take Prozac? I take Prozac. I thought there's newer versions of it. Yeah, there is. There totally is. But once you find one that works, you just... That was super cool when I was younger.

Anyway, I'm a big fan of your work. I think you're very funny. Are you on Prozac? Oh, Prozac Nation. I was for many years. Really? Best book ever written. Ever.

Joe and I are also comics. What? I know you guys are. You're all comics. Why'd you get off it? It stopped working. Your brain and body can adapt to it in a certain way. And it just got to a point

where I really didn't feel the effect of it anymore. And then I tried some other things. Like St. John's wort? No, no other meds. Like Wellbutrin or whatever. Wellbutrin is so fucked up. And I had some brain zaps.

Yeah, the brain zaps. I'm off everything now. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. The full panic attack. Wellbutrin made me sweat. Wellbutrin spiked my rage, which I don't need. I'm a very reactionary person. I don't need to be more me sweat. Yeah. Well, Buterin sparked, spiked my rage, which I don't need. I'm a very reactionary person. I don't need to be more amped.

Yeah. But then I was on a newer one. I can't remember the name of it. Yeah. But that gave me brain zaps. And I had a, I had a, I had a fucking brain zap. What is a brain zap? It feels like.

No, no, no, no. Is that the medical definition? it's like a misleading term because that is what you'd think you'd think it was like a shock it's not what it was for me was it feels like the beginning of a panic attack but it never turns over into a panic attack

so like speaking of Bobby Lee the week I went off these meds I was like I'm done I'm off these meds, I was like, I'm done. I'm not taking meds anymore of any kind. Not of any like for brain stuff, I mean. I was in LA. I did Bobby Lee.

I did Tiger Belly. Yes. And it was just me and Bobby. And we sat directly across from each other like this in two armchairs. Yes. And it was when he was going through his breakup. Oh, boy. And we had a really deep, like, it was an awesome conversation about relationships and love and monogamy and all that stuff.

And I had one then. And it was like. Yeah, that happens if you're having an intense conversation. Yeah. He was going like this. And I was like, OK, I'm cool. It's just Bobby. I could.

It's just Bobby. It's just Bobby. I could say to Bobby that it's fine. That one I got, it was fine. I was fine with the second one, but the second one was the one that was like, I'm done. Two days later, I did Adam Carolla's podcast. I had never met Adam in my life and the podcast is so big and I was on the show and I was nervous because he was really cool I had a great time with him but a couple people did say to me like I don't know if he doesn't like you sometimes you'll be able to tell oh boy so I was like a little nervous that

he wasn't going to like me or it was going to be awkward ended up being great but is he famous yeah I'm Carolla I went on his podcast a hundred years ago I don't think he's Adam Carolla do you know Adam you don't know Adam Carolla the man i barely remember what happened yeah but i was talking to him and i started having one i hate it and then my brain started going you're talking adam carola that's pretty weird isn't it yes dude and he started telling a story and he like there was a few of us in the room and he just like, like was really like sort of telling it to me predominantly. Because your pupils are probably huge. Yeah. And he was like, he's like, you know, man,

he's telling a story. I was like, and I swear to God, I was this close to being like, dude, I have to go in the other room. Yeah. Oh my God. And then it just stopped. It's like being too high. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it just stopped and then I was fine and I was like, I'm never doing

that again and then the end of the story is it came full circle because i did dr drew and i talked to him about meds and i was like the thing that made me stop was i had a brain zap on adam carolla's podcast yeah this is so weird yeah doctor could like because they were they would have they did love line together yeah i was explaining to those kids jamie wolf and lucas The doctor could like play it back. They did Loveline together. The radio show Loveline. I was explaining to those kids, Jamie Wolfe and Lucas Zelnick. I was explaining to them on the pod what it was. They were talking about, they're very young and they got TikTok big. And now they headlined and they were talking about panicking on stage.

And I'm like describing the panic feeling as I'm having the panic brain zap. And I was like, this is insane. I know. That's so scary. I'm having the Panic Brains app. And I was like, this is insane. Your voice is over here. That's so scary. Does this tick off any other bigger podcast that you were on that you want to mention?

Oh yeah. Should I mention the big ones that I've been on? Are you garbage in KFC radio? You fuck! Where's the thing? Where's the thing? Should we all just compete? Should we all just list everything we've all done?

Thank God Joanna's here. This would have been a real waste. Thank God I'm here to just be like, who's Adam Garola? What's his game? The Chicken? I've been on Dr. Drew's many times. He's great.

And so is Adam. They're both really nice. I thought he was a short man. Stood up. Huge. That dude's huge. Dr. Drew? Very tall. He's way taller than you think he's going to be. Stood up. Huge. Dr. Drew? He's way taller than you think he's going to be.

By the way, I really love this room. Oh, you're a sweetheart. I haven't been in a basement in a very long time. It's a legitimate basement. I love it. It feels like I'm in college

and I'm on a date and I'm on a date and I'm sitting there let's play trying to get attention and the guy's just playing video games and then I'm like so you like Operation Ivy yeah I do too

I love Operation Ivy the TV's there I really like I love it if I'm the date in. I mean, that's, you know. No, I really like, I love it. If I'm the date in the college scenario, I'd be playing over your head. Yeah. The most offensive.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We should play Spin the Cigarettes. I've blown so many dudes while they're playing Halo 2. That's a fun date basement game. Joe, put it down. Put it down. It's a great room, actually,

for somebody with ADD. Do you remember me screaming at you last night, settle? There's so much you can focus on. I know. It's a perfect ADHD basement. Yeah, it's like

everywhere I look, I can look and think about it for a long time. But this is the real deal. Holyfield, right, Joanna? I haven't seen anything like this. I haven't been on as many impressive podcasts

as this guy over here, but I've been on quite a few. No, no, you've probably been on way more than me. You've been on probably more than him, but you're not as good as slipping into any conversation. I have to say something that happened last night that I'm just remembering.

I was really devastated yesterday and I was in the park running and I called Ian and I had gone through a breakup round 115 and Ian was like in the park running and I called Ian and I was I had gone through the breakup round 115 and Ian was like come over here, sleep over, we'll do the pod tomorrow so I come over here and I'm in his bed and he's he won't settle, like he won't

he's just tossing, no god no and he's tossing and turning, I value myself do you remember this? and then I felt this on my head and I for like left it, I let him do it for like five minutes before I was like, Ian, can you please stop touching my head? And then I realized it was the cat.

But I'm remembering now the fact that I- Oh, the tail. Yeah, you yelled at me. You thought that I was like petting your head. It was just my cat's tail. But the fact that I thought that and just let you do it for that long. And the entire night she's going,

the cat won't come to me, the cat won't. And then we're in bed and the cat comes up. It sat on my head. He sits on the entire night she's going, the cat won't come to me. The cat won't. And then we're in bed and the cat comes up. It sat on my head. He sits on the head. Okay. He's so nice. You were petting him like

into my body. Why do you guys sleep in the same bed? Because I, he was, I was like, he was a good friend. Level sad.

She was like, oh, and it was very funny because she like couldn't breathe and I was like just, and I had her in the headset and I was emceeing at the cellar and I'm like, just breathe, just breathe in through your nose I was emceeing at the cellar and I'm like just breathe

just breathe in through your nose out through your mouth it's going to be okay just breathe just hold on one second and I went on stage with my headset in and she's on the phone like and I'm like hey everybody you ready for your next comic this comic blah blah and I just

hear her be like I was laughing and crying when you were like it wasn't that great everybody isn't this awesome And I'd just hear her be like. I was laughing. I was laughing and crying when you were like, it wasn't that great. Everybody, isn't this awesome? And I'm just like. So,

so, okay, so you sleep in the same bed. So that's, that's, I can wrap my head around that. I guess the, I phrased the question wrong.

Not why do you sleep in the same bed? Why do you sleep in the same bed yet there's no absolute chance of dating? I don't believe that. I think you guys are like when Harry met Sally. Right, like if this was a romantic comedy, maybe in a couple of years, you know, you'd be together in the end. You both have to date a few people and just like call each other all the time with your problems. A good way to think about it is your girlfriends.

I have guy friends. My girlfriends. I get it. I understand. I always had like best guy friends. Yeah girlfriends... I get it. I understand. I always had best guy friends. And I know her so intimately. That's kind of like hopping on a grenade.

It would just blow me up. The whole movie until they get together. Yeah, exactly. Should we right now play Spin the Cigarette? What is that? I can't believe you also smoke. I think Harry was straight. Do you smoke?

That makes a huge difference. No, I don't smoke. Only if I'm very drunk. He's 80%. Nobody smokes regular cigarettes anymore. We really are in a time warp. Get your self away. Get your whole self away.

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my bookie to make so much money that I can just gamble and not be fearful of losing $400 yep goodbye I have a friend who is bisexual I'm right here Joe it's not real.

She dates like 80 to 90% men. Yeah. You want to go through my phone? And then there's 10% women, right? And then she'll go, she'll go, you straights. And I go, you don't, you don't get to do that.

You don't get to. That's like the guy that's like 10% American Indian. Yeah. And brags about the plaque on his wall. Who's this? A man named Julian that I asked to come over the other night

and he didn't. And you wrote, fuck yes? He wrote, I miss that fuzzy hole. Talking about my ass. Ew, boy. That's gross. What? No, not men having sex is gross.

It is gross. I'm calling your asshole a fuzzy hole. I know. It's kind of gross. Don't kink shame him. It's kind of gross. Yeah. He didn I'm calling your asshole a fuzzy hole. I know. Don't kink shame him. He's kind of gross. Yeah. He didn't fuck it.

He licked it. What the fuck? You should really shave it for him. He doesn't like it shaved, but I like it shaved. I like when girls eat my ass. Ew. Then you should absolutely. You don't have to.

Then you should shave it. Oh, Mark Norman. If you want girls to eat your ass, you have to shave it. I know, and that's why we use Manscaped. Nobody's eating anybody's ass. It's got to be done. We got to retire that. That's where poopy goes.

What? That's why you can't keep it made. I know I'm going to die alone, but it's not for that reason. We're going to die together. We're going to get a cabin. Oh, God, I'd rather die than die together. We're going to get a cabin, and it's going to be fun. I've eaten a lot of ass.

Really? Wow. Guy's ass. Have you ever done it on a podcast? And women? I've eaten a lot of female ass. Me too. It's my favorite. It's a very different thing. But yeah, if you're going to do it to a guy, it has to be shaved. Do you have a partner?

Well, I got news for you. Some ladies need their butthole shaved too. But I will... I, I got news for you. Some ladies need their butthole shaved too. But I will... What? I said I got news for you. Some ladies need their butthole shaved too. It's true. Yeah.

I shave my butthole. No, I'm not saying you. I'm just saying in general. Well, yeah. Do you use a straight razor or what? I mean, come on. Me and you, we're both Jews. I know.

We have to shave everything. Our hair appears. Hair grows up my penis. Toes, fingers. Everything has to get gross hair. Places that other people don't get hair, we get hair. I don't get any hair anywhere. On my head.

No. You don't have a mustache. No, I don't. Do I have a mustache? You have no mustache. I'll be honest, you don't. Do I have a mustache? You have no mustache. I'll be honest, you don't, but I was getting you back for saying I'm gross. You're gross. But I don't eat people's asses

and I'm a normal straight woman. You can't use the word normal. It's not normal to be gay. You'll be in a relationship for so long that you'll eventually be like, yeah, let's try it. Totally. My mom. That's what happened to my mom. You're not gay at all?

Not even a little bit. Have you had sex with a woman? Yeah, I didn't like it. Really? Sex with a woman, how? You ate each other out? I couldn't do it, but she did. What did you not like?

I'm not attracted to like a sense, like the, there's like a sense of needing that comes from women that I don't really like. It comes from Ian too. Nobody really likes that.

Oh God. What the fuck? No, the sense of, she just described what every guy thinks. They're needy. Nobody likes that part. Yeah.

That's why me and Jordan couldn't work because I'm needy. But you're needy too. And I like being there for you when you need someone. Maybe you need a more dominant woman. Yeah, I could be with like a super, but I couldn't do anything to her.

Are you a dominant woman? You seem more passive. I can kind of do whatever. Yeah, I guess if I had the preference in bed, I like just being, I guess, I don't like using the word submissive anymore. You know, I like just having sex. But I do have fun.

I am dominant a lot, especially a lot of my fans like it when i'm dominant so i'm like i have fun doing it i mostly do i'd say i probably do it more on camera than i do it like in my personal life like wearing a strap on or being like take it bitch i mean i've done all but yes i have worn a strap on and and fuck guys in the ass i've i do a lot of videos where it's like just like a like a jerk off instruction you know like a solo where i'm talking to the I do a lot of videos where it's just like a jerk-off instruction, you know, like a solo where I'm talking to the camera. A friend of mine did one of them

for me, and I came and it hit my forehead. Did one for you? Like a special one, like a birthday gift? Yeah, she was like playing with her pussy and was like, are you going to come to mommy? Did you hook up with her?

No, she lives in Florida. But you were friends. But she has only fans. But I was friends with her before that. And we were like text buddies. I didn't ask her. She gave it to me. What are you laughing at, you little boy?

You're looking into your friend's vagina? I would like... We've sent each other naked pictures. That's more than friends, though. you laughing at, you little boy? You're looking into your friend's vagina? I would like, that's great. We've sent each other naked pictures. Well, that's more than friends, though. That's what I mean. Did you pay for it? She just gave it to you? No, she gave it to me. The only reason to send a friend a naked picture is to be like, is this bump weird?

I've done that. Yeah. But me jerking off in front of a camera, we're no longer friends. Yeah, but we don't have that friendship. Nobody should have that friendship. But me and her do. You didn't pay her for it? No. She must really like you. Do you, are you still in porn?

Or were you in porn? What is the deal? What is, I mean, yeah, I guess I'm still in porn. It's different now. It's different. It's, I'm in a weird place because it like, sometimes it feels like I'm not, but I am. Like, I mean, I do, most of what I do is OnlyFans.

Oh, cool. So I'm not like in for a long time. I lived in Los Angeles. I was always on set. You know, like I I owned my own production company for a very long time. Burning Angel. Burning Angel. I sold a lot of seed to that.

Yes. You look exactly like all of our fans. Yeah. You were the demographic we were trying to reach. get to now live in brooklyn yeah so i sold the company in 2019 and then like i was around for a while where i was just kind of like working for everybody because um i don't know whatever and then and yeah when only fans kind of rose in uh 2020 i i was surprised i was like okay um you know I'm 40 years old I've been around for you know 18 years yeah I've had a company I sold a company and even after that I like spent a while being

you know just working for all the different studios I felt like I kind of did you know I was in the hall of fame like I've I thought I kind of did everything you could possibly do in and I was like ready to like be like all right it's time to go and then like I put an only fans up and and everybody was like telling me about it and I was like it just doesn't sound like for me it sounds like it's more for like the the gen z porn girls I don't know because I was so used to making porn on a set with a production crew and everything like making porn on your cell phone just, it didn't seem like something for me. And I, well, I mean, I put it up and it did, you know, pretty well. That's great. I was like, all right, well.

Good for you. And I was like, I can't believe this. It's you in your house? Most of the time. I mean, look, OnlyFans is really whatever you want it to be, you know? So I have all kinds of content on there for a while, especially over COVID. Like I shot a video in my house every single day um fucking no it was just uh most of the time me masturbating most of the time yeah i got very creative with you know and i realized i'm like

wow did you do like a rube goldberg machine for masturbating i mean you know what that is i did a lot like the beginning of Pee Wee Herman? Why didn't they get more laughs? I don't know. Who were you talking to? Do you know Pee Wee Herman? I have a great conundrum regarding OnlyFans. But first I have a gripe about certain OnlyFans.

But then after COVID was done and the world opened up, I was like, okay, this is how I make money. So now you do these things you call collabs you know where you work with someone else right the thing it goes on their page and your page and you like release it together so I do I do everything um it's just so when people are like are you still in porn it's like yeah just and I still will occasionally go out to LA and work for studios and stuff no that's already of what I do is-

You do sex stuff on the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, everybody just imagines like, oh, you're in porn. You must like wake up every day. Oh, we're giving to Rosa the next turn. I know, but before, a Rune Goldberg machine. Okay, so yeah, what is it?

Pee Wee Herman. I want to hear the conundrum. I love a conundrum. Okay, what's the conundrum? Wait, wait, first can I speak one great voice? Do you need help masturbating? No, no, no, I'm good. Oh my God. Thank you. No, I have one great about No, no, no. I'm good. Oh, my God.

Thank you. No, I have one gripe about certain OnlyFans pages. I'm a fan of OnlyFans. Okay. Well, you're not the only fan. That's like saying I'm a fan of the internet. But it makes me mad when certain pages, profiles on OnlyFans, if you're not subscribed, they don't have any descriptions whatsoever of what their posts are.

And it's like, stop being coy. This is what this is for. You're trying to get business right now. And you're doing this whole like hard to get. Like, I guess you have to click to subscribe. And it's like, fuck off, man. And you know what? It works because I fucking subscribed because I got to know what it is.

I paid once. I paid once. It said pay $10 and get three like dirty photos and they were literally not dirty at all. Who did you subscribe to? I don't want to say the name, but I was

really, I was like, fuck off. A lot of the like it's just like some like celebrities or like big time like influencers who don't really want to do porn. I know a lot of them, a lot of them will kind of. It's not fucking grade school, bitch. You can charge back though. Bikini's in a gym.

What are you doing, a fucking hopscotch for 20 bucks a month? No, show hole or get out. There was a certain big time star. I'm not going to say the name, but she was like a big celebrity and she made an OnlyFans. Give us a hint.

I'm not going to do that. Amber Heard. No, I'm not doing that. Anyway, she was in porn and then she wasn't in porn. She wasn't in porn. Give us a hint. I'm not going to do that. Amber Heard. No, I'm not doing that. Anyway, she was important. She wasn't important. She wasn't important. She was a big time celebrity. She made an OnlyFans. She made a lot of money overnight. Record breaking money.

I'll say the name. It was a public story. It doesn't matter. I know she sent out a mass message that was like, undo this. Un unlock this and see some new i don't know exactly what she said but she implied that if you pay money you could see and it was not naked and then so then after that only fans made it possible for you to charge back um you know which i won't say i wouldn't encourage i won't say her name either

because because it seems like important to you to not no but you could easily everybody's got a hustle it was a news story it was a mainstream news story can i say can i pose my conundrum go ahead and then i have a gripe with only fans well okay that's great listen i'm not the only fans customer you don't have three more episodes today to talk about your shit. You can only direct complaints about my OnlyFans to me. No, I have no complaints for you. Mine is perfect. I've never seen it, but I might see it now. It's perfect.

I'm going to subscribe right now. What's your conundrum? Would that be weird? No, this is a great conundrum. I posed this on another podcast, and then the episode got lost by the producer, so it never aired. If, hear me out.

Like the Titan. If you hear me out. Like the tight end. If you have a friend. Okay. And you find out your friend has an OnlyFans. Okay. It doesn't have to be a friend. It could be a co-worker. Okay.

Whatever. Yeah. But if you know somebody in some capacity. Get to it. Shut up. You guys have very short attention spans. I'm on the edge of my seat. You know somebody.

You guys are both. You guys over here bouncing. It's wild. Take your time. Thank you. Why don't you and I do a podcast? I won't even put my name in the comments. I think Ethan, you could probably just kill this.

It could be a friend. It could be a colleague. It could be whatever. If someone has an OnlyFans. You find out. Hold on. Who could it be? Shut up, Ian. It could be a colleague. It could be whatever. If someone has an OnlyFans. You find out. Hold on. Who could it be? Shut up.

It's somebody you know in your life. Somebody you know has an OnlyFans. You find out they have an. Listen. Trust me on this. It needs explaining. Okay. It's not crowd work.

Sorry. I come from a time when comedians wrote material it's a dig at both of us it's a dig at all of comedy it's a dig at all of comedy where's the taser I'm waiting so like

patiently you find out they have an OnlyFans but not from them and not through a readily advertised method or whatever. It's not like, do you look at it or do you don't? Is that what you're going to ask? No, that's not what I'm getting at. Oh, my God.

Just do it. Because it needs, there's nuance, dipshit. He's telling on with you that you can't sit through a sentence. Look in yourself. This is a fucking mic. You find out about it. But hold on. The details of this are important. It's not like you go to their Instagram and they're like, hey, I'm also an OnlyFans. You find out they have an OnlyFans because you just find out. However, is it an intrusion for you to look at that? Without letting that person know,

I found out you had an OnlyFans and I would like to look at it. Some women I've asked this question who have said, yes, that is a weird intrusion. Others have said, no way, it's public. As long as you give them money. But it's kind of like, let's say I knew you, right? Let's say you were just my neighbor, right right and you're married to my neighbor's husband or your husband and you are my neighbors right and i know you and you're a banker sorry i know i'm sorry sorry

he has a kid that kid comes up to me he learns his first words it's a cousin twice removed i get it but I've had stuff like this happen to me. I've been in this exact scenario. And you're a banker, let's say, though. But let's say you're not full-time what you do. Right, right, right. You're like a teacher. And I find out, oh my God, she strips over it.

I think you should support and give her money. You don't think it's weird? I show up, you're on stage, and suddenly I'm there and you're like, this is a little weird. I try to separate these things. That's different. Can I? I'm saying, like, let's say she

was a stripper, but by day she was a banker, and she kept those things very separate. I mean, the second you do that, you open yourself up. And then I show up at the strip club because I find out, and it's like, hey, hey, hey, I heard about you being a show. I'm here. You have to.

That's different because that's real life. You're showing up in person. Yeah, also, on-line fans, you could change, yeah, you could change your name. And look, it all depends on how, you know, how close you are. Like, I mean, it could make your friendship a little weird, but like I said, I think if you you're if somebody puts something like that up and um i mean it's it's like you're in work mode here's why i've had shit like this happen i have plenty of stories when i was a

stripper um this is you could give insight on this because this is why he needs to talk. What's going on? What? He's like, he's like. What's the matter? A room Goldberg is a machine. Now, I, it, showing up to a stripper is different than looking online. But I don't know if it's an intrusion, but it's something I would not do. I do not think it's an intrusion. All our friends that are on OnlyFans, I've never looked. Friends that go, I saw this. I go, I can't. Why? That's the question. Why? go, I saw this. I go, I can't. Why?

That's the question. Why? See, there's something weird about it. Do you want your friends to go to your comedy show? Do you think there's something weird about it? I think there is potentially something weird about it. And I don't know what I would do. I would ask.

I go, hey, Karen Feehan, are you all right if I look at your OnlyFans? No, that makes it weird. I think if you ask, it makes it weirder. I'd say the right thing to do. I'm saying in general. I know people, I know multiple people at this point that have a sort of quiet OnlyFans. Join under a different name and give them money.

That is the way to solve this problem. It's like somebody I know being like, I watched the podcast about your dad's funeral. It doesn't feel weird. I put it out there. But you put it out there and you'll talk about it. Here's what I'm saying. You're out there plugging this podcast. You're promoting

this podcast. She's got to be promoting her. I know multiple people at this point that have very, very esoteric, quiet OnlyFans. Very quiet. The right thing to do is join. Which is also weird because why have it? Don't say it's you. I don't know.

Join under a different name. I'm saying this is I'm not posing. Just give them money. This is not a thing that happens. It fixes everything. I'm posing this as a societal interesting conundrum because it's something that is occurring now. So let me tell you what it stems

from it stems from the first time i ever met a woman that worked in porn her name was dana d armand and i said dana very well i said to her she's friends with my she was friends with my friend ed and i said that's you can't you walked in with dana d around big fan of hers a friend of mine gave us all a copy of her movie for Christmas last year. One of her movies for Christmas last year. We're all big fans. He said, don't bring up porn to her. And I said, what do you mean?

I'm a fan. And he said, don't bring it up. And I did in a complimentary way. I would have had to not in a creepy way. As soon as I was like, I'm a big fan, like my friend. And she was kind of weird about it. And he was like, I told you not to bring it up, dude. And then I asked another person I met that worked in porn after that.

Was this a long time ago? Five years ago, four years ago. But then I asked another person who worked in porn or two other people. One of them said, I don't care. Fucking ask me whatever you want anytime. The other one said, no, it's weird because it's weird when that mixes into real life because then guys think this and this and this. And you're this kind of girl and this and this and this, right?

There are weird dynamics. Some people will get offended if you don't know. I actually I'm always a little offended. You seem genuinely offended when I said I don't. I'm a little offended. Makes me think, wow, I didn't like, you know, get fucked hard enough. Like I should have done it more because that's why we didn't get fucked hard enough. I should have done it more. And that's why we have Ethan here today.

Ethan, get in here, young boy. I've worked very hard my whole career, and if somebody doesn't know who I am, I'm like, what did I do wrong to not reach this person's penis? Why don't we show Joe some of your OnlyFans? I'll join right now, but first I have to say, you're really hiking the prize up. How much is it?

It's $6.66. Oh, that's a great deal. $3. Oh my god. Is it the first? Joe, this would be your ideal OnlyFans because it tells you what you get. It's the OG tattooed slut and then it says

message me. That's what my mom used to call me. Message me hashtag anal whore when you resubscribe. And I'll send you a free video of me getting my ass stretched out by the girth master. Who's the girth master? Oh, he's a really nice guy. From Ghostbusters. Louis Tully. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you the girth master? Are you the girth master? We have to be careful talking about this because we watched an anal video involving a horse recently and me and Ethan both fainted. I watched that. It's so disgusting. Wait, you actually watched bestiality?

Well, it's a video on the internet that I didn't know about. By the way, can I say really quick? Can I say really quick? It's a video on the internet that I didn't know about. That's illegal. By the way, can I say really quick? Can I say really quick? It is. It's illegal. Hey, hey, hey. In a word.

In a word. Before we get too far away from it, I want to say really quick. Yeah, let's bring it back to serious, Joe. No, no, no. I want to say really quick because it's a friend of Joanna's. I want to say really quick because it's a friend of Joanna's. The Dana story, I was not disparaging her or judging her in any way. I was just saying, like, she's somebody I met that had a certain barrier.

I think everyone has different, you know. I was just referencing it. Everyone's different. So I wanted to make sure I wasn't being like, she was weird. No, you absolutely weren't. That's beautiful. Really nice. This is really beautiful.

That is beautiful. Thanks. I think this would make me feel like, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, because I'm on testosterone cream and I'm horny like a motherfucker. What do you mean you're on testosterone cream? Anything sets it off anymore. Cream?

Not you. No, not you don't set it off. I don't need to see hot porn right now. You don't like fuzzy hole? Well, Girthmaster's a guy from Australia and he has a really big dick. On the Gareth's mask. It literally sounds he has a really big dick. On the Girthmaster. It literally sounds like a Mad Max.

That's actually the biggest. He's the guy on the front of the thing playing the guitar with his fucking cock hanging out. You don't bet you fucking knew this. It's the biggest white penis I've ever seen. How big? It's very big. Well, it's also girthier.

Liquid death? It is actually, I think it's bigger. I did put it next to each other. Tell us. Does size matter? Yes. Damn it. What's a good size?

But not to everyone. Not to everyone. Hold on, David Tell joke. David Tell uses this joke where he But not to everyone. Not to everyone. Hold on, David Tell joke. Not to everyone. Where he would go, David Tell uses this joke where he'd go, ladies, does size matter? And we would cheer and go,

well, the whores have spoken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. That's the best. That's the best. So it doesn't matter to everyone. Also very good at tell impression. That is, that's very funny.

I love David Tell. He's the best. I'm sorry. He's a big fan and friend. Well, we haven't talked in a while, but we used to talk all the time. He's great. He's got one. I went on his show, whatever, Dave's Old Porn. That was a fun show.

I used to go to some of his comedy shows and he would pick on me all the time. It was fun. Now, hold on. Size does matter? To me. what is a good size but yeah i will say but you've been stretched for years or girth master that's like something you need to be like you don't need to be like prepared for you know i still like it uh-huh coconut oil um it's more like like i mean preparing for it it's just more like thinking about it like i just have to

be like relaxed you know I can't like like have any stressful emails or phone calls before you know it's more of like a like a spiritual relaxing

than like an actual physical relaxing I just need to get like my body into like into like the the zone but I'd have to say

look before porn I never you know never cared about size and I do know a lot of girls in the industry that actually specifically don't like guys with big penises because it's like do you like big because it makes more money or do you like big because it feels better it just feel i mean after i had a big penis i was like oh that that feels a lot now what's what's what's

big and what's a regular for you size like an like a good size, like an 8 inch penis. 7 and a half. An 8 inch penis. 7, 7 and a half is okay. It's okay. Like 7, 8, 9. Those are good sizes. It's not 7 and a half. But like a good amount of thickness. You're such a fucking lying bitch. It's not.

Did you measure it? Get me hard right now and I'll fucking show you. I couldn't do that. I have to get paid for that. You look like you have a big dick. Do you want some liquid death? You do. You look like you have a big dick. Thank you.

Why don't we show our pieces to Joanna and see what she thinks. Are you nuts? I have a life to live. What are you talking about? Wait, you want me to look at your penis? I'm not pulling my penis out. He can do whatever the hell he wants in this. Go ahead, pull your penis out. You look like someone who would have a big penis.

Thank you, Joanna. You do. Can I show you a picture and get your official professional opinion? Yeah, I mean, I actually on my OnlyFans, it's a very popular thing. People send me pictures of their dicks and I do dick ratings for $100. Well, you ain't getting that.

$100 for you to tell somebody they had a shitty dick? Well, you know, I go into detail. Sometimes they're nice and sometimes they're bad. And some guys like that, right? Some guys would get off on you being like it's too small. Some people do like it when I'm mean. Okay, so let's see it. I don't have $100. No, you don't have to give me $100. Well, I gotta compensate.

No, no, no. It's fine. It's okay. Keep it. You can give it to someone else. I'll take $100 for the Ubers. All right, let's see it. I'm going to give you a freebie right now. All right. Because I do them like naked and, you know, in like a room with-

Ha ha! You're gay now! All right, let's see it. Let's see the penis. That does not look like 7 1⁄2. It's not 7 1⁄2. Okay. No, it totally looks like a 7 1⁄2-inch penis.

Thank you. Is it the one where he's choking it to death? It's a nice penis. I don't know what to say. In your face, dumbass! Also, I do like how you actually, you groomed. Yeah. You groomed.

Yeah. You groomed it. Isn't that the one that is squeezing it to death? It doesn't look like he's squeezing it to death. Thank you. He's just holding it. Yeah. Okay.

He's just holding it. He's propping it up. Trust me, if there was something very wrong, I would say, you know, I would say there was something wrong. Ethan, I've never seen him squirm and wiggle like this before. Yeah. He's so upset. No, it looks like you cleaned up.

I mean, I can't see every angle. Yeah. I mean, it looks like you're trying to make eye contact with it, the way you're looking at that. You know, it's like, it's nice, like evenly colored. Can I see it? Can I see it? Yeah. Just flash it. Oh, is this the part of the movie at that. You know, it's nice evenly colored. Can I see it? Just flash it. Is this the part of the movie?

Is this the part of the movie where you guys see the penis and you guys fall in love? Yes, I've told you that. What? My penis goes up like this so I have to hold it down. It takes me a long time to get familiar with the penis. You got nowhere to turn.

I mean, it's hard. That means it's really hard. I hate sex. It's good to have a hard penis. You're so nice. Thank you, Joanna. I almost envy that. In your face, dumbass.

To be honest, I almost envy that. I love it once I'm comfortable with somebody, but getting into the sex zone for me, impossible. I'm the opposite. I understand. I like a nice, fast fucking vagina. What do you mean getting into the sex zone? Well, it just takes me

a few weeks or months of knowing somebody before I can have sex with them. Months? Yeah. Not months. Weeks. I think it has to be done right away. Or like you're going to be in the friend zone. You know what I mean? Especially if somebody... You can break out of the friend zone. Well, not after 40

45 minutes you can so you better do it fast no you gotta get in there quick or else you're gonna be getting the late night phone calls that's my dream if you guys had sex the first night you met,

you would have like a sexual relationship. But since you never have, it's never going to go that way. I agree with Joanne. Sorry. We could be like Harry and Sally. Here's my dream and it'll never happen now.

There was a time in the 70s I feel like you could have maybe made something like this happen. I've had plenty of one night stands. My dream is to meet somebody and have sex with them within 20 minutes of meeting them. That quick. But it could never happen because I'd be too...

I would never in a million years feel comfortable in this day and age, in this climate. Even trying to figure out how to... Could you get that hard? Like that? It would turn me on unbelievably. Really? But how could you ever...

We're not in the swinging 70s anymore. You can do it. Yeah, just go into a bar. Yeah. No, but here's the thing. I mean not by going... I don't mean by going to a sex party. No, I know, but go into a bar.

Say you do comedy and 10 whores will appear. Yeah, yeah. No, I know, but go into a bar, say you do comedy, and 10 whores will appear. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Or maybe like... And then also, then you got to worry about... It's so much to worry about. You always have to worry.

There's so much to worry about anymore. You know what I mean? Yeah, just say Girthmaster in the mirror three times and he'll appear. He'll do it. He'll appear in my asshole. What's my fantasy?

I like Joanna's take of like, you know, you, you, you, you know, get it out. I, I agree.'s take of like you know you get it out I agree you kind of not get it out of the way you get to it quick though you know if you have a physical connection I've dated somebody for a month or two and then we had sex and it

wasn't good and it ruined it that sucks yeah I thought I was really like into person. But if you have a deep connection, you can laugh through it and it'll be alright. I think. I don't mean it was bad. Okay, but then, like, if you're gonna fuck someone,

do you have a cat or something? Yeah, he's upstairs. I know, I'm allergic to them too. It sucks. He's a good cat. I'm sure he's a good cat. I'm a little allergic to cats. She's having a hard time. I have a good cat I'm sure he's a good cat I'm a little allergic to cats she's having a hard time I have a good friend she faced the girth master

and this is this is how bad this is that's so funny it's worse than the you've taken a liquid death amount of dick in your ass and a kitty cat is the thing that's got your tongue

a little kitty cat little Samson upstairs just little samson in the corner of the room hiding is the thing that's getting you all right let me um you know what though that what what you need to be careful with too with the friend zone thing is that um sometimes this is a very much a guy thing i think i've dated dated people where it took a while to get to the sex. And I was like, I'm so into this person. I'm so into this person. And then the second we had sex and I had an orgasm, I was like, oh, my God.

I just really wanted to have sex with them. Like, this was lust. Really? This was lust. And I thought it was like, you know what I mean? Like, so that can happen, too. Yeah. I thought I was younger.

I don't know if it happened now. I think I would like to build because I do this thing where I'll have sex right away and then I'll be like we're so connected and then the haze of that will go away I'll go we don't know I don't like anything about them and it's like a fucked honeymoon phase

for a couple months and then when it comes time to just existing together I'm like this isn't good you guys just want what you can't have. I don't know. No it's the one on one connection because me and Ian are both addicts. So or like love addicts. So as soon as we're with somebody

we're doing the brain melt thing that sex brings with the eye contact and all of that. It's great and then the second you walk out of the house and somebody's like how are you guys doing? And the person is like weird or is mean to a bodega guy. We're both like yeesh oh so like do something that pisses you off yeah because in bed anybody can do anything and we're like well this is the space where we're connected and our you know our brains are sunk up and then you leave

and you realize i always end up dropping off and i think having a basis of a connection which is something that's lacked in previous relationships, will then make the relationship last longer. But when I just am like with the person because, oh, the sex is great. It's so sexual and blah, blah, that goes away, that fades. And if there's not a connection, you're not going to have a solid foundation to move forward. And I just think that I haven't had that many solid foundations. It's always been based on like just complete lustful. We have to switch roles. I have to have more sex and you have to

take longer to have sex. You know what I mean? That's interesting though because you said earlier on the show I think it was before you got here. Oh wait was it off camera? What? You can cut it right if I say anything you don't want to. Okay. I can't remember we were

on camera yet or not you said oh i said this is a great day to go drinking and i said if you still drank i'd be trying to convince you to go drink with me after this and you and you said yeah i stopped drinking you said i would have too many dicks in my mouth i would fuck a lot of people when i was drinking so my so that's what i'm getting to is that it's so interesting that now that you're sober, you're like, dude, sex is weird and it takes a lot for me to get up to it. And when you drank, you did it all. Speaks very much to the substance abuse. Totally.

Yeah, yeah. I definitely used it to date and to have sex and to like tell people that I liked them. Well, back to the thing. I would drink and be like, let's hang out. And then we would get to it. Whereas now, you know i can't even i haven't had to think about i forgot about all this stuff about what i don't know i guess when you're like i used i remember you guys are like giving me ptsd when i was like out in the

world dating yeah it's all trying to figure out like what do i want do i want this do i want this and then and then like doing porn just kind of changes your brain because you're like oh well it's like a controlled environment you're gonna show up and you're gonna fuck this person and it's going to happen and you don't you could take away yeah all the other bullshit out of it and it actually really like helped me be like more sexually comfortable yeah even watching porn helps me be more sexually yeah they're doing stuff i do and i feel like the world could just kind of operate like that like ahead of time it could be like you know what

we're both going to show up here and have sex and let's just worry about talking after that's why I like prostitutes because it's an agreement you get what you want I get what I want and then there's no like rigmarole of like well I guess we got to kind of do the dance of let's date and figure it out no feelings get hurt bing bam boom

do you get, he feels empty and bad after he does it every time. I've the, the time pays for sadness. The only reason I feel bad. Oh God. Sorry. Because I don't like losing money.

Yeah. Yeah. And you want a connection with somebody. I want a connection. I pay for the girlfriend experience. Cause I want them to be like, Hey, how are you?

I'm going to throw it. I want to. Yeah. want to yeah sorry sorry why because i touched you yeah no yeah because you touched her she's gonna puke not because you did it just the just the rubbing no it was because of you yeah fuck you and half fuck you i mean it actually sounds like a healthy solution to your problem it's just an expensive solution that's the thing yeah because i've you know i've gone anytime i've paid for any sexual transaction massage or you know what i mean or or even like too many lap dances whatever it is i afterwards i enjoy it's fun and i you know but i always afterwards i'm always like god damn i could have bought a fucking honda civic go spot or go you know what i mean like i'm like i'm just like oh dude those those like that collectible video game you want so bad that costs four hundred

dollars that you won't allow you your life thing wasn't gonna make you come yeah but then i'm like you could have bought that and jerked off yeah yeah and then just went and talked to a regular person and maybe had a real date you know yeah yeah yeah but then it's like I sometimes I just want someone to sit on my face while I jerk off yeah of course and uh that's what I'm like I could have just jerked off and not paid for someone to sit on my face and that's yeah I think you have to jerk off and not paid for someone to sit on my face. And that's when I'm like, I think you have to jerk off and then decide if you still want to have the prostitute.

I think that's, but you'll always never want them. Yeah, that's good. But it's also getting older. You're getting, you're getting older. You're,

you're, you know, like I, I have a far greater, uh, real understanding. Cause you're super old. I am 45. Yeah. It kind of sucks. Like you look great. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. Yeah, because you're super old. I am 45. Yeah, it kind of sucks.

You look great. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. Hey, take the compliment. Thank you. You do look really great. You have a great hairline. You've been taking care of yourself. I don't know if you've been riding the bike, but you have an outlet. I've been doing nothing physical whatsoever. I just rubbed testosterone cream

on my arm or nutsack every day What does that do? Gives you testosterone You have low T? Yeah, yeah, I have low T Was that causing depression? It was causing great lethargy

What does the testosterone cream do for you? We're just talking about it Most men in their 40s are extremely deficient in testosterone It's a generation of pussies Most men in their 40s are extremely deficient in testosterone. The medical... It's a generation of pussies. No. Well, you might have fine testosterone. Some guys do.

I do. But the average guy... Can you get the cigarette away? You showed me a picture of your penis. I think your testosterone's fine. Here's what's weird, though, is like you could get... Don't make that face when you talk about my dick joanna no no it was you went it was hard i thought i thought my testosterone was fine because they were like it

will affect your sex drive and i was like well i have sex a decent amount but then when i started taking it i was like holy shit like wait that's what they meant because now after i finish i'm not like okay i'm good at least until tomorrow like oh i could have sex again in an hour if i wanted to oh that's what you does to me that's like a like it was like a huge shift in that department for me but like i wouldn't have known that but here's the thing like the medical fields approach is you're 45 you should have low testosterone that's what happens and the people that are saying or working against it are like no fuck that it's like saying you're 45. You should have low testosterone. That's what happens. And the people that are saying or working against it are like, no, fuck that. It's like saying you're 80

and your hip should break. You should have full testosterone. So I was at 150 and you're supposed to be at like 700. I want to get tested. That's such low T. It's crazy low T. You sure you don't have AIDS? No.

Guess who doesn't? You can get tested for that too. Do people with AIDS have low t? HIV. Yeah, your T cells drop. I know that it only happens to poor people. That's sarcasm. Oh, then you don't need an Uber.

Finance. There you go. Oh, then you don't need an Uber. Finance. There you go. Yeah, low T. But anyway, why don't we start talking about T? They started doing a creepy compliment circle on you and you explained that it was from the testosterone. I was like, you're really looking good. But before that, I was saying, oh, oh, oh, you're getting older.

This was about you. And then it switched to me. I'm sorry about that. You want to get married? You're getting older this was about you and then it switched to me i'm sorry to get married you're getting older the older you get you have a far greater yeah consideration thank you you have a far greater consideration for the other person i was much more frivolous about a booty call in my 20s i'm in my 40s now like it's not just it's not just a matter of what do i feel like doing and how long do i feel like hanging out with i'm like no like i want to make sure that this person like is like you know what i mean like i've always been like that i'm not saying i was not considerate i'm saying

i'm saying sometimes it's clarifying sometimes you think it's all good, and then you... I'm saying sometimes you think it's all good, and then you release your nut, and then you have not a great feeling afterwards. And sometimes that's a subconscious thing going, hey, dude, because maybe you shouldn't have done this with another person right now.

Maybe this was time for you to just kind of crank one out and go to bed. You know, it's not always about the most fulfilled version of the experience. Sometimes it's like, go eat alone, dude. Yeah. And go to bed. That's what I've been trying to do is like spend time alone, go through the uncomfortability alone of not always having to have someone around. And it's been feeling good getting through it.

of not always having to have someone around. And it's been feeling good getting through it. Ethan caught me the other night when I was like cooking and I found olive oil that the last time it was used, my ex used it to cook. And I was like, she was the last one to use the virgin olive oil.

And then you rubbed it all over your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I didn't call someone. I didn't have Julian come over. I was proud of myself. That's great. That's good. You just used the olive oil.

I do that shit all the time. I'll take a shower and I'm like, I took a shower at his house one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he also takes showers. By the way, how little are you cooking that you haven't used olive oil in four months? Four months?

I haven't used the olive oil in over a year. You know, there's no cooking. You use it in almost every step. I don't cook. Every recipe calls for I don't cook. I don't cook. He's on a diet. He's using cooking spray.

Yeah. Cooking spray. I've been making turkey meatballs, salads, Pam. Oh, good for you. Pam. That sounds very healthy. Pam, the spray. You don't.

What? You've been making Pam? No, Pam spray. I've been using Pam. Weird way to introduce that. PAM. You don't. What? You've been making PAM? No, PAM spray. I've been using PAM. Weird way to introduce that. Turkey balls. Salads. PAM.

Just mentioning people that you've had sex with. I don't cook. I make oatmeal now. That's a huge step for me. Groats. OK. Groats. Yeah, it's like oatmeal, but with the shell on it.

You soak it. Sounds groats. It's groats. With a shell on it. It it sounds gross it's gross with a shell on it it's a the whole oat so you know steel cut oats yeah that's like a whole oat that's been cut by just steel and then oatmeal is being processed but if you just get the growth yeah then you soak it i used to cook every single day when i lived in la and now living back in new york i'm like i never cook at all because there's stuff to do here. There's so much to do. I never did anything in LA other than work,

go to the grocery store, cook dinner. I was a better cook when I lived in LA, too. I haven't cooked at all. My place has a great event. I want to move to LA. No, don't. I'm going to end the year. I hate it.

Oh, God, it's the worst. It's the worst place on earth. I love California. I was just at the Natural History Museum. California is not LA. Okay. California is not LA. What? I'm saying you love California. I love just at the Natural History Museum. California is not LA. Okay. California is not LA. What?

I'm saying you love California. Are you from the East Coast? I love California too. LA is not the same thing. Have you like spent like a month in LA? Mm-mm. I would before you moved there. Yeah, you've been to LA for a day.

With my motorcycle? It's fucking gnarly in LA. It is a, I'm not just saying this. It's a suck hole. It is one of the worst cities to ride a motorcycle in. Really? Oh, I actually... Avid motorcycle riders I know are like, I wanted to get one when I lived there. They were like,

do not get one here. The drivers are terrible. I have three friends. I have three friends that have died on a motorcycle in LA. Jesus Christ. Don't do it. Don't do it. Three? Literally, thinking about it now, I lived there for 13 years and probably it was spaced out. Like someone I knew died on a motorcycle,

like every, or is this like a COVID death where they get shot and it turns out they have COVID. So like your buddy died from a heart attack. They were on a motorcycle and got in an accident and died. Dean Del Rey was in like a, and it was not their fault all three times. Life and death accident in LA

He was the one That's right I had a scooter I had an electric scooter that I was using Because I let my driver's license expire And I was like fuck And I had to go redo the test and everything I was like fuck this

So I just bought an electric scooter And I rode it everywhere And I said to Dean I like this I'm going to go get my license I'm going to get a motorcycle license. And he was adamantly like, do not do that out

here. It is so dangerous out here. I'm telling you, LA, I would she's right. Like spend some time there. Don't just spend a month. Are you a city person? Are you a city person or a separate person? We're going to go to LA and do a bunch of podcasts and stuff together and you'll see how it feels.

Yeah, but then you're going to be like, wow, I love LA. If you're like an important, like you're going to be there for two weeks. I don't love LA, I just want to leave New York. Well, that's different. I mean, I just can do stand-up in LA. It's true, there is a great stand-up scene in LA. There was. There's not anymore.

There was. There's not anymore, yeah, yeah. Seems like it's pretty bopping in New York. It's great in New York, yeah. Say what? I want to do stand-up. I can't stay here forever. Well, you're in the right city.

Will you help me? I'm going to kill myself. I just need someone to help me write an act. I can call the booker at the stand and say, give her some time. No, no, being a booker, I just need someone to help me write an act. Yeah, if you feed the guy at the stand,

he'll give you some stage time. I know how to get a booking. That's not going to be hard for me. I want somebody to just, I just want someone to help me write an act. I know how to get into a booking. That's not going to be hard for me. I want somebody to just I just want to like work on it. I would want to like I just need like a little help writing it. I have an idea. What do you want to write? I want to do like a few

minutes of stand up. I want to be like you when I grow up. Do it. Get up there. I want somebody to help me. Why don't you tell us a joke and we'll punch it up. Yeah, do it. Get up there. That's a tall order. But I want somebody to help me. Let's tell, why don't you tell us a joke and we'll punch it up. I don't really have jokes.

Like I could, I have stories. Isn't that like what a lot of comedy is? No. But you tell a story, like a funny story and then you can kind of

add jokes in there, right? I've tried to help people that want to do it right. Like a tree? I can't do it. I love punching up jokes. I don't know how to do it. I love punching up jokes.

It's the most fun. Why don't you tell us one of your stories? Now I feel on the spot. Welcome to stand up tux. It's going to just have to flow naturally. I'm hilarious.

Welcome to the stage. She's conquered the girth master and she's going to conquer the laugh master. Give it up for Joanna Angel. Woo! Okay. No, I can't. Look, I'm going to work on it.

What are you creating as the seventh circle of hell for this woman right now? What are you doing? This would be a funny sitcom. It would be fun for us. Wait, wait. This is a funny sitcom idea.

And then a story's going to come out. This is a funny sitcom or movie idea. You're a porn star who's trying to get into stand-up and I'm a stand-up who's trying to get into porn. And I can teach you. And they coach each other

on how to get in. And I'll be the wacky butler. Joe, your dinner's here. Whoops, I dropped it. That's a really beautiful story. It's a good story idea, I think. And I'm gonna like... Remember that show Made?

Yeah. Oh, yes. You could do Made. Yeah. And I'm going to like... Remember that show Made? Yeah. Oh, yes. You could do Made. Yeah. We should bring that back. Was that the show where they followed you on your dream or whatever? Yeah. They did an episode with Steve Byrne and I was with him for the whole episode.

Was his dream comedian? I don't think they aired it. Yeah. And they followed him while he was shooting his half hour special, his first ever half hour. And I remember he told me he wrote like an angry letter to MTV because he's like, I let you follow me while I was

doing my special. And they didn't air it? Do you know how nerve wracking that was? Yeah, but they didn't air it and he was furious. Oh my god. But yeah, I hung out with them the whole time. It was fun. It was really, I mean, it seemed fun. They didn't fucking care about me. It was fun for me.

They did it into my hometown for like a fat girl who wanted to be a hot girl or something. Something really. And your wish finally came true. Thank you. No, but it was something bad. Like a retard who wanted to be like the class. It was something, sorry.

It was something really like. Your statements keep getting worse. Yeah, Down syndrome and she wanted to be black. It was hard. It was a hard leap to make. Is that a shofar? I'm not going to make it in that way. Have you ever blown the shofar?

I have to call Alan. Only a licensed shofar blower is supposed to do this. Am I? I'm good enough. Go for it. Let's see. Wait, I have no signal down here Have you done this I've been to you know

Don't they go like that No Like that Yeah Yes Yeah That was great Joe your turn.

Did you grab religious? Are you Jewish also? He just got a 23andMe and found some Jew in there. No, I just found out I'm Jewish. And so did we at the beginning of this episode. Wait, what? Where is the merch money going? You didn't grow up. You look so Jewish.

What is this traditionally for? Jewish. Wait, you just found out? Are you adopted? Blow the shofar and get tased. Did you not grow up? I grew up Italian. Oh, really?

Mm-hmm. Who was Jewish? Your mom, your dad? Great grandparents. Oh, okay. That doesn't really count. He took a 23andMe and found a tiny bit of Jew in him. Oh, so you didn't, you're not, like you didn't grow up and get bar mitzvah?

No, no, no. Oh, okay. It was just like a small amount. Yeah, it's like blood. Oh, that doesn't count. I thought you were like. Where's our menorah? Jewish guy.

Yeah, there's a menorah here. With cigarettes. I have to call Ellen. Oh, Jordan's like, oh, that doesn't count. I thought you were like, where's our menorah? Jewish guy. Yeah, there's a menorah here. With cigarettes. I have to call Alan. Oh, Jordan has to call our therapist. So let's wrap this up. Okay. This was so fun. Are you all right, Joe? Yeah, why? You were giving me a look. Why are you going? No, I had a great time. Thank you.

Me too. Oh, wait. Joe, plug your thing. Wait, I don't What? I need to do my plug but i forgot to write it down and now i gotta get to my email but i don't have any signal down here what's the wi-fi what a conundrum you don't know the thing you came here on to promote no no i know what it is but what is the wifi.com slash joanna angel yes Joanna Angel. Yes. What's the password? I don't think it's weird if any of you are my friends and join.

You just have to give me money. Jordan, do you want to plug anything? Okay. Well, I think Jordan's very funny, so please go watch her comedy. I can do it without it. Ready? Here we go. Folks, when's this come out?

Two weeks. Two weeks. weeks well i got two announcements uh number one huge tour just announced for the fall ladies and gentlemen i'm going on the i never promised you a rose garden tour i'm doing my new one-man show i never promised you a rose garden at small theaters. When? All over the United States. Starting in September, I'll be in New Jersey. I'll be in Philadelphia at the TLA. I will be in Nashville. That's sick. I will be in a ton of cities.

Go to JoeDeRosa.com for all show info and ticket links and all that stuff. If you're near a city, I'm probably coming to it. So go to the website. Get your ticket. Also, my band's new album is coming out. What's your band? Actually, you know what? It's called Salsa Windfall.

Oh. Dude. The single's out now. I listen to your music and I dig it. What kind of band is it? Thank you. Yes. The new stuff is way better than what's out there.

That's what they all say. But the new single's out now on all digital platforms. Mouth on my money. And the new album's out now on all digital platforms, Mouth On My Money, and the new album, Artificial Birth, comes out August 4th. Dude, that's so cool. I said what kind of music it was. It's like alternative, like weird, like ween.

You ever listen to ween? I didn't listen to ween. I mean, but I had like boyfriends that listened to ween. Dude, I, so, our favorite band is Insidiary. And my ska band got back together during COVID. And I wrote the lyrics and sang on a song. And it didn't really go anywhere.

But I sent the demo to them. And they were like, dude, a couple of us should record this. So I might start recording some hardcore songs. I love it, dude. It's amazing. Yes. Yes. Uh,

I'm finance.com. Uh, I'm coming to bananas in Jersey, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Rochester. Oh, I got more stuff,

but I forget. Ian finance.com. I animal six sign patron.com slash B and E and pod. We love you. Thank you for tuning in. You guys are the fucking best. We're rocking and rolling. We're ripping and zipping.

We're zipping is happening. Zopping and drink your liquid death and have a good day. Bye. Bye. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore