Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 053: Jazzed Up W/ Cousin Sheri and Mike Recine

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

With Jordan. Go. Blow. Bibidop. Did you have the play set? Welcome to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan. I am so happy to be here with BFF with the sweetest. Give me that. Okay. And our guest today is our BFF, friend of the show, favorite guy in the world. Say his name. Mike Racine.

Yeah. It's nice to be here. Look at his little face. I know what you look like as a baby. Oh, you cut at his little face. I know what you look like as a baby. Oh, you cutie. I do. I know what he looked like as a baby. Shout out Rabbit, New York City. Some people don't have a real baby face. Hardcore band. Real good. Thanks for the shirts.

Appreciate it. They called me a pussy for not liking long sleeve shirts, so they gave me an XL long sleeve and I cut it into this killer tank. With no sleeves and your whole body out of the side. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. That's kind of cool, huh?

You really went all the way to the perimeter there. Well, it was XL. You know what you should do? What? Cut this. Stitch it. Just tie it. But that's girl stuff.

You're a girl. It is kind of. It is girly. Tighter. No, I'm not girl stuff. I'm guy stuff. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. thank you.

Yeah. What's up, Racine? Speaking of guy stuff, uncover those balls. I guess I can. Let them out. Show your fat sack. Let your fat sack out. Let your fat sack out.

You've earned it. I didn't even realize I had a fat sack. Let those puppies breathe. It's a fat sack. To bring you up to speed, if you subscribe to the Patreon, patreon.com slash be any, why don't I keep it here? And then if they go subscribe to the Patreon, then they can see how big my nutsack is.

Patreon.com slash be any and pod. Check out how big his fucking flapper Rooney's are. They're huge. Huge. Really big. Huge set of balls. Yeah. Huge.

Huge. Balls are huge. Balls. We love to see the balls Some are saying the biggest balls They're big balls They're tiny balls Tiny balls

But then they're big balls And Mike's got big balls And his little pecker looks like a nose Looks like a nose You bring it in by the pinkies Shut up We're here to debate the issues Not talking about my dick and balls

Mike's balls kind of looks like he's got a diaper Full of shit in his crotch Who are you talking to Mike? His wife Is she here? My wife Look at his little feet Look at those guys How do they shuffle that?

No I didn't Mike Deb is coming with Ben and she's bringing dinner and we're going to rate her for the podcast. We're going to review my wife's cooking. Without any joke behind it. He goes, why don't you come to the podcast and we'll get

dinner afterwards? And she goes, well I already made it. He goes, fuck it. My wife's fucking cooking. No, I don't think I did that. I do have to encourage her to make dinner every once in a while. Do you like her cooking? What's that? Do you like her cooking?

Yeah, it's fine. It's not good. It's good. No, it's good. What is it like? Is it like chicken with lemon? Yeah, it's like the stuff your mom makes. But you're a good cook.

Yeah, but I'm tired of cooking all the time. She makes like, maybe she'll get a roasted chicken that's already roasted. Yeah. Make some like broccoli on the side. She'll make like hamburger helper. Whoa.

But she'll make it like without the box. She'll try to make it herself. Shows you it up herself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No good? No, it's good. It's good. It's just...

It's good. Her cooking's good. It's a college student's just... It's good. Her cooking's good. It's a college student who's got a little education. Yeah. Yeah. Women don't cook now. They don't. It's weird.

Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. I hate cooking. Yeah. See? You know why? Why? Because you eat it.

You know what I like? Oatmeal. Athletic greens in the oatmeal. Protein powder. Good for six hours. Go. Like I thought you were going to say you like building stuff that lasts forever, like a table. I do.

I don't like building food that's gone in a second. With how fast I eat. Yeah. Then you got to clean up. It's like it was never there. It's a coin. You love it, though. Yeah, I like it.

You really like it. Whenever I cook, I eat over the stove, and the food barely makes it to sit down and eat. I just am like, my mom covered her whole stove with countertop because she just doesn't use it. Oh, no. Oh, she's got no stove. She has an oven that no, she doesn't use that. That's where my mom doesn't have a microwave.

My mom has only a microwave. Oh, yeah. They're like inverse. Yeah. My mom does not cook. Neither of us cook. We just get. I mean, truly oatmeal.

I like cooking during the pandemic. I made you food really oatmeal. I like cooking. During the pandemic, I made you food. Really good. Really good food. Where did I have the best food? Rolf and Daughters. Holy shit, dude. I haven't enjoyed.

It's a famous Cish restaurant in Nashville. Bro, they brought out like a seven course meal because my friend did sign painting for them. It was crazy. That made me understand food. I was like, I get this. There's a lot going on here. Racine made me food during the pandemic. Me too. Remember the porchetta?

That pork shoulder, yeah. Good God, that was good. That's a great sandwich. Amazing sandwich. Pork, broccoli, rabe, and sharp provolone. Jake bought it the other day, and then he said that he saw you post a... Oh, he did?

What was it? It's like pork... Pork Street Grocer Ultimate Warrior. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. What's the one that you seduced Segura with? Oh, Winston Bakery, the fried chicken sandwich. Yeah.

Nice. And Baby Blues. But it was pork, Swiss... No, sharp provolone and broccoli rabe. Yeah. It's got to be extra sharp provolone. Sharp like a knife. I want that. My favorite is just

an Aladdin baguette with some sharp cheddar cheese just tearing at it like an orphan. Speaking of knives, I had to bring a knife. Nobody said knife. I said sharp like a knife. I had to bring a knife to someone's house the other day. Why? To get something out of their butt? To kill the gerbil you let loose?

Well, kind of. Really? I talked to this guy and he was like, come over. I'm going to be naked edging in bed. Oh my god, so you've completely gone back on the agreement. Like full force. This whole time you've just been

betraying. No. You said I could have sex. Also, we didn't have sex. We jerked off next to each other. It doesn't matter. Let's get this straight. Bomp, bomp. We've had.

Chika, chika. Come far out my joystick. Bomp, bomp. We've had a guy. Can I tell the story? It's very funny. A guy we had sex with. We had the stripper on the street. And we had.

You had. But these are all sexual engagements. And. You told me I could have sex with someone if I would hang out with them the next day. So I did. And we hung out the next day. That doesn't mean just force yourself to hang out with somebody. I mean, you can go, you can have sex with somebody if you want to, if you want to date them.

But we didn't have sex. We, we had a jerk party. That doesn't count. You haven't. That doesn't count. What's your agreement? We had a whole talk about this. I don't understand what's going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But... Yeah, I did relapse too. I get it. Yeah, see? Okay, so this guy said, I'm going to be edging in my bed. I'll leave the front door unlocked.

What's edging? That's where you get close to... It's like where you get close and you stop. Okay. It's where you go like this. So you can do that alone. Six feet from the edge and I'm thinking... Listen to how much this doesn't make sense.

Maybe six feet ain't so far down. Yeah, what does that mean? Who is that? It doesn't make sense. Is that Creed? Creed, yeah. What about. Homeward now.

He's going to kill himself? What about. I'm six feet from the edge. What about. Living on the edge. You can't help yourself from falling. Even if I didn't like a reputation. Even if I didn't want to still come rolling back again.

93 Aerosmith was so good. So good. Pink is my newest session. Yes. So good. With the cow print. Oh. Oh, Flash.

You got me all soaking wet. What about, what about, um. How about, uh. Jenny got a gun. Dog days just begun. Wait, guys. I love Joe's music. I like a booty body. A macarena.

That's like the same thing, right? That's the same. Come on, baby. Shake your body. Do that gunga. What about, what about, one, two, three, four, five Jeff Asmus shout out Great joke about that where he says

He has sex to music and he's like I only get to Number five on Mambo Oh that's great he's got a new special out Only funny white man drops check it out Jeff Asmus Pink is my new obsession. I was obsessed with that whole album. I had a Aerosmith. I had that album and I didn't love

it. Aerosmith is from New Hampshire. I had a cousin and family that lived there. Top celebrity crush. Jerked off. I saw Armageddon in theaters. I cried to it the other day. I kissed my seventh grade girlfriend, Puerto Rican.

You said. And when we kissed during that song, only among a thing. I don't want to close my eyes. I came in my pants and then called my mom from a pay phone and said, pick me up. Did you really come in your pants? Yeah, I just jizzed everywhere.

You're such a love whore, dude. Jeff Sheen got an erection when he proposed to his girlfriend the other day. Isn't that the grossest thing? I would rather have an erection. I know. Queer. Here's the drop. Queer.

He's queer. Queer. Queer. Oh, come here, little rat man. So anyway, speaking of queers, I walked into this guy's house. I heard the Macarena. It's about a lady who's like her husband goes out of town and she gets double teamed. What?

That's what I think the song. Isn't that what it means? Macarena? Yeah. No. Where in the song do you think that is from? I don't know. It's in Spanish.

I met a woman named Macarena and I was like, you're black. Oh, yeah? What? I don't know if she was black. No. That's what I thought. Moneca. That's what Spanish girls like being called.

It means a little doll. Little dog. Moneca. Hey, I'm going to learn Spanish with Babel. I love Spanish. I can speak Spanish. ¿Dónde está mi hamburguesa? Aquí.

Yo necesito comer. Hey, you know that best Desi's Child song? A la izquierda, izquierda. To the left, to the left. Yo necesito comer. Hey, you know that best Destiny's Child song? I love you, scared. You scared. To the left. To the left. That's a Beyonce song, I think. Beyonce ripped off Maps.

Ready for this? Maps. I mean, sorry. The IAS is... Hold up. What is it? They don't love you like I love you. Dude.

Halo. Beyonce. Hold up. They don't love you like I love you. Dude. Halo. Beyonce. Hold up. They don't love you like I love you. Slow down. They don't love you like I love you. Did you hear me? Yes.

And it made me think of this. One time I did an edible knitting factory. Please. And I was so wigged out. I thought that the Beyonce song, No One Loves You Like I Love You, was written by my mom for me. And if I gave anyone a cigarette, they would find out. And I came out of it and I was getting yelled at by a friend who was like,

are you giving me a cigarette or not? Because I kept going, eh, no. What were you on? It was just a fucking whacked out edible. Me and Amber Nelson. Well, you were hallucinating. Edibles are so fucked up. It's bad. They're worse than acid. If you can handle it, fine,

but I don't think a lot of people can handle it. Also a knitting factory. Napoleon, just chilling outside all the time for some reason. Were you there when me and Scott Chaplin got in a fight with that guy? No. At the stand? Knitting factory. Hold me now.

Dude, this guy, Meg Gailey was on stage. This guy ran up, tried to take the microphone. Then he hopped up on a table and started to whip his dick out. And me and everyone, all these fucking beta comics are like, this isn't good.

And me and Trash Chaplin sat below in the back, not good. Me and Trash Chaplin ran up on him, and Scott grabbed him to pull him down. The guy punched Scott, poured a beer, and I just fucking slugged him in the face. And the guy fell at the table. People jumped on him.

You're strong. The guy got kicked out. Thank you. And Nimesh was like, yo, you got to leave. The police are, like, we heard sirens. He's like, you got to go. You're going to get charged with assault. I was like, you, you got to leave. The police are like, we heard sirens. He's like, you got to go. You're going to get charged with assault. I was like, you're right.

And I just ran. And apparently they kicked the guy out and a couple like open micers went up to be like, yeah, fuck you. And the guy just attacked them and took his thumb and like put it in one of their throats. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's just a pinky. Yeah. Yep.

You weren't there for that? No, I don't think so. Yeah. Is that, is that, is that a, does that, could that kill somebody? Feel, feel, feel. Do it to him. Do it to him. Feel.

Not, not hard. Yeah, don't be crazy. Okay. Ah! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't be crazy. Ah! Yeah, yeah. It doesn't hurt as much. Oh, couldn't see. We gotta do it again. It's a little scary. Hold on. No, don't hurt it.

Alright, alright, alright. Remember when we filmed when I said I beat you up? Yeah, I said you're strong. That was We Todd's twink. Yeah. Say this I said you're strong. That was... We Todd Swank. Yeah. Say this fast. We Todd Ed.

We Todd Ed. Can you kill somebody if you put... I am Sofa. Say Sofa King. Sofa King. We Todd Ed. Africa.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Yeah. I won't do that. It's rude. You're right. So what's happening? Say that to me. What's rude. You're right. So what's happening with you guys? Ever since we stopped talking

about my balls. What's happening with you? You're having a good summer? I guess, yeah. How? It's nice. Yeah, I go to like the little water park. I go to the playground. How are you making money? You know, different things here and there. But usually you're all verklempt about money. Yeah.

But now you're not No, I still Did you come into some inheritance? You seem at ease and nice Yeah, I guess Thanks I'm tan Thanks The other night at the stand, I went up and I get off stage

I'm like, oh, what's up? You want to hang? You're like, no, I'm going to Seaside in the morning. I'm like, oh, how are you? I got ghosted. He goes, uh, sorry, man. You want to see a picture of my wife's tits? He's the best.

You're the best. What was the joke you posted the other day? It was so good. No, you didn't. Me? When I posted Michael Bongfella? No, another one. You did another one. It was so good. No, you didn't. Me? When I posted Michael Bongfella? No, another one. You did another one. It was so good. Michael Bongfella.

It's the next slide. So funny. Wait, so let's talk about what happened to you the other night. You invite a lady to the cellar and then she leaves with another comic. Yeah. And I told that comic, I said, I'm hanging with this girl. Fucking whatever. Did you say what comic it was? Matt Richards

You fucking cunt Dude and so they go hang out and then she's like oh we're going to New York Comedy Club and I'm like well you can then go to hell. Yeah. So then I'm like that fucking piece of shit fuck this fuck that. Side note

he lost his dog if anybody sees a small Aussie in the upper New York. It's his second dog he's lost? No. He's always losing dogs. There's people who are like that

every like, every six months or so they post about their dead dogs. Have you noticed like this? Who else is doing that? Huh?

Sorry. Who else? I've just noticed there's people who seem to lose dogs often. The same person. Yeah person give us an example I don't want to name names but give a hint

somebody who had a dog and they got a new dog and they said I had to say goodbye to my new dog that comic from France yeah that fan's always losing dogs for some reason My new dog. That comic from France. Yeah, he's just eating. He's just killing these dogs. Yeah, that shit doggie. Yeah, that fan's always losing dogs for some reason.

He lost Thor because Thor... Somebody else lost the second dog, Chowder. But if you see a little Aussie... But that's the second dog he lost. How you losing dogs? Because he had a babysitter because comics leave their dogs with people I don't know. You don't see some people are good dog owners. You know who's a good dog owner?

One time I had a dog owner. A specific person, not a race. Gosh, I had a mire. Yeah, it's good. Oh, Asian people because they eat them. God! They're great dog owners. They fatten them up. They treat them real nice. They put them in TikToks.

Dude, there's a North Carolina restaurant that just got caught using roadkill as meat. That's fine. That's sustainable. Yeah, that's fine, right? Yeah. What? You know what's so good?

No, no, no, no, no. You know what my favorite food is? Venison. Go back, go back, go back. Finding roadkill and serving it is fun. A lot of people do that though Yeah in Restaurants

Navajo No guys Like I I think I saw a guy Driving one time And on the back of his truck He had like a Stack of deer

No he had like a stack Of like roadkill deer Yeah but that's for his family I'm talking a restaurant Where you don't know They were definitely But they were definitely Like roadkill deer

Okay cool for him Yeah But for a restaurant To trick people into eating. Nah, you call it farm to table. Yeah. Call it sustainability. Call it green. I always see these trucks that say green and green company.

And I'm like, what is that? Street to table. Street to table. Yeah. There was a lady who was, she had a brunch restaurant. She was like getting her chicken tenders from Popeye's. People saw her like bringing Popeye's tenders. You know masked chocolate?

The really fancy like $11 chocolate? They were just melting down Hershey's. Really? No. Melting down Hershey's chocolate. That's why it's so fucking good, dude. You know, Italy, there was a mafia war over olive oil. Yeah, it makes sense.

What are we doing right now? Of course there was. Talking about food stuff. Oh, okay. Right. Well, right? yeah what are we doing right now of course we're talking about food stuff oh okay right well right one time my mom's girlfriend's dog chased down a deer there's too many deer in Ithaca they are overpopulated chased down a deer took it down by the neck we ate it for weeks dude venison one time I fell in a pool got two black guys you must get like 60 pounds of meat so much right yeah I got

two black guys in the and I was a bartender at the time. And these two country folk came in and they're like, don't let him keep hitting you. And they gave me all this venison. Now, what would you do if you brought Ian up to Ithaca to like meet your family? And then they had like a deer that they were going to eat for dinner. And then Ian was just fucking it. And I walk in, I have a cape and I'm like, oh, is that for me? I'm Jordan, oh, is that for me? I'm

Jordan's gay friend. Your family's like, shoot it on sight. Get on. Move the deer. We're having a different kind of dinner tonight. And the Benny Hill theme song plays as I'm like dodging rat traps. Shooting at you.

We're having medicine with a side of fruit salad Cut him up Speaking of fruit salad Cousin Sherry's here You're going to have to share your couch With your balls and Sherry now Sherry just got in an accident She's fine

Not mentally Oh my god Closer I'm six feet from Tiny dancer In my head No wait let's do Did I ever tell you

About Racine Yeah What are you doing Watch this Can I tell a story real quick Did I ever tell you about When I worked at a halfway house A sober living house

And there was a dentist Who was in a Chicago cover band and he wasn't there for alcohol. He was there for mental health because he tried to kill himself in his office with the gas. And yo, what up, Sherry? Get on in here, dog. How's it going? Are you okay? Sherry, this is Mike Racine. What happened?

Nice to meet you. Up, sit, sit, sit, sit. Sit, you're in front of the camera. That's amazing. That's a great shirt. Pick on you now. Put that shirt. And I got you a little gift, too.

Oh, no, don't give her Adderall. Thank you so much. Did you get me some Adderall? It's in the car if you want some It's not good for you How are you still getting it? You're not suffering from the shortage at all? No, I barely take it

I just give them away to friends Or I sell them for like 10 bucks each Put that shirt on Don't take it I can't be too big for you because you've lost a lot of weight. I still do take it sometimes when I'm really, really sleepy. You take Adderall when you're sleepy? I take Adderall when I'm, you know when you're groggy

and you're like, I gotta fucking... Yeah, it's like a shot of espresso. So take a shot of espresso. I do. I do both. I have a whole bottle, dude. It's your life. I'm with her where you have it and you only take it when you need it coffee doesn't jazz you up the way Adderall does

it doesn't make you lose your appetite say it again coffee doesn't jazz you up I'm already jazzed up enough put on the shirt bitch wow look at how much weight you did lose you look great bro holy crap

look at you you're like pushing a six-pack there. What is it? Are you intermittent fasting or biking? Biking, watching my sugar intake, and trying to not eat like a fat fucking pig. I know. I'm just trying to chill out. It's so hard. And I've been trying to do push-ups and stuff. Good for you, man.

Oh, wow. Big old summer. Look at that. Yeah, it's a little big, but you look good. As soon as I saw it, I was like, that's Ian, bro. Yeah. You know, that's his style. Oh, thank you, Sherry. Let me see it.

Is there something I can give you? No, you have given me this podcast opportunity. What a nice. Let me see it. Actually, so I'm good. Nice. I like it. This is great.

I like it. I like it. I want one. Thank you, Sherry. Looks good on you. Love you, cuzzo. Love you, dude. I like it. This is great. I like it. I like it. I want one. Thank you, Sherry. Looks good on you. Love you, cousin. Love you, dude. Thanks so much.

Oh, frog man. I've never met a woman who uses Axe Body Spray. Is that Axe Body Spray? No, it's Paco Ramon Invictus, baby. What the fuck is that? It's a real cologne. Sounds like three dead Mexicans. Paco, Ramon, and Nicktis.

R.I.P. Sometimes I think cousins are better than siblings because you don't have to be friends with them. Siblings suck ass, dude. I'm an only child. He is an only child. You have siblings? I didn't know you had siblings.

I've got a cunt sister, but's got an Autistic brother who hates him Love it Dude My brother hates me too so Dude Racine said the funniest Fucking thing Some girl was like

I can't find a man Or whatever And Racine goes I have an autistic brother I'll rent him out to you By the hour Rent him out So good

Make it interesting So dude Sherry You just got in a car accident What the fuck happened? No, man, see, this lady hit me, and I have a bumper bully. Like, one of those bras. It's like a bra you put on your car for, like, New York or whatever.

Scratches and dents and shit. So, nothing was wrong with my car, except, like, the paint went on the bumper bully. Where hers, she had a little dent and, like, a scratch. I'm like, ah, that's character. It's New York. And it's your fault. It's her fault. Yeah, yeah yeah she was texting

She was texting And she didn't realize it She was like a young Karen Like a Gen Z Karen I don't know what they're called So why couldn't you just pull away What is a Gen Z Karen Midwestern maybe

Yeah yeah definitely like Wisconsin I think she had Wisconsin Like a transplant that like Yeah They don't know how to drive here And I'm in Ridgewood That's where I work I work in Ridgewood

So it's like borderline Bushwick too So she's like Ridgewood shout out R&D tattoo Oh I love R&D tattoos Yeah she had to call the cops. Ridgewood, shout out R&D tattoo. Oh, I love R&D tattoos. Yeah, she had to call the cops. In order to get her car repaired. Yeah, but I could have scratched it out. Isn't that annoying how you have to stay?

I have to for the police reports are hit and run. It's so annoying. Even though it's her fault. So she hit you and you had to fucking stay. For the police report, yeah. But they don't really even do police reports anymore. They don't give a shit. They gave me like a slip.

How many milligrams is this? 30 milligrams, non-time release. Basically, that nose beer. You know, a little yak-a-doodle-doo. Put in a pill. Sherry. Immediately clay-monting it up on the pot. Clay monster. Hey, I got you

a fucking bowling shirt and you pills. That's the fucking best. That's what we call Delaware hello. That's right. That Delaware hello. That's right. It's all love, baby. Oh my God. So you stayed there. The cops came. You're not in trouble. What kind of car you got? Let me guess.

Is it bad or good? Saturn. Do they even make them anymore? That was my first car. My ex-girlfriend had a Saturn. I fingered a lot of girls. What color? Mine was red. Black.

Ford door. Mine was too. Was it a stick shift? My ex had a stick shift. Nobody knows how to drive stick shift anymore. I love it. I only know stick shift. I crashed the one automatic.

We still got my dad's Ford F-150. Don't ever get rid of that. Ever. I have my dad's 69 Ford pickup, too. Stick shift? Yeah. Yeah. Dude.

Nice. Put our heads together. Dead dad talk. Oh, your dad is dead, too? Yes. Okay. Yep. Died nine years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. 30. My dad's still alive. Yeah. I know I texted you on his anniversary. You didn't text me back. I was like, he's probably going through it.

Oh, my bad. People text me on my dad's. My aunt is always like, hey, your dad's dead. And I'm like, please don't remind me. I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I felt after I fucking sent it. No, no.

Ian always remembers. Ian remembers every anniversary of everything that's ever been related to his dad. Yeah. Well, of course. But why do I roll that? Because, oh, I love that tattoo. Because you're like... You're old.

Because it's great, but it's back now. These old ass... That style is back. I mean, they're giving... It's giving... Have you been to prison? Yes. Oh, yeah.

But that is back in style. The, like, Girl with the Dragon tattoo. This was before that book and movie, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Like, I got that before. That's really well done, though. I mean, Claymont. Really?

Explosive tattoo? Off 13? Maybe. No, no, it was in Claymont somewhere. In like a warehouse. Oh, Jesus. Speaking of dragons, I went to pick up Chinese food with my kid the other night. We need a gong in this goddamn studio.

Well, you can hit the cymbal from incendiary behind you. Oh, we can make it into a gong in this goddamn studio. Well, you can hit the symbol from incendiary behind you. Oh, we can make it into a gong. I definitely could. I can definitely do that. All right. But I had to carry him into the restaurant until he'd get the food. And then he just all of a sudden starts going, dinosaurs, dinosaurs. And for a second, I was like, oh, fuck, he's being racist.

But there was a papier-mâché dragon hanging up on it. That old Asian lady is as old as a dinosaur. Dinosaur, dinosaur. In the goddamn, in the Natural History Museum, it's mammals, dinosaurs, rocks, and then there's just Asian people. Chinese people. Is it? Is it true?

Yes. Well, they were the first people The first human God made Adam and Eve He made a black guy and an Asian woman Those were the first two people And they made Simeon Goodwin That's how Simeon was made

Every time Simeon He's half Asian He's half Chinese That's a good mix Black and Asian is a good mix He's half Asian? He's half Chinese. That's a good mix. Black and Asian is a good mix. He has a little Chinese dick though. What's that? A little Chinese dick.

I tried to have sex with the Chinese guy in Norway one time. You did? What was he doing there? We showered and then I came early and he said, I'm just going to go to a friend's party and put on his backpack and left. And I said, sayonara. Remember that story we got told by that Jamil Jamila podcast? Remember we did the podcast?

Yeah, what'd she say? Her friend was like dating a guy and then went to a party with him and then just found him in the middle of the party having sex with another man blowing another guy and he was like remember he was like um I think I'm gonna take off and the guy was like oh boom people are wild that's fucking hilarious

you're at a party with your wife she's like I want to go you're like alright let me just suck this dick real quick I don't want an Irish goodbye. I'm going to Chelsea in the 80s goodbye. You're always making me leave when I'm having a good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always want to get fucked in the ass.

All right, I'm calling Uber. I'll see you at home. I've had sex with somebody in a closet when my boyfriend was at the party. Really? What? We got into a fight. That's foul. And he was like, I want to break up. Women ain't shit.

Women ain't shit. I think that's pretty hot. Yeah, because you're a fucking degenerate. I love closets. You're a goddamn bill of health. Deflection, deflection. Go on. Where did you get Marlboro's? Me? Yeah. They're mine, butlection. Go on. Where did you get Marlboro's? Me?

Yeah. Wait, hold on. But he can have one. Absolutely. Go back. You fucked a guy in a closet and your boyfriend was holding the inside of his pocket when it was happening. Paul was like, we should break up.

And I was like, okay. And then I fucked this dude in the closet. And I came out and I was like, I fucked a guy in the closet. And what did he say? I was blacked out. I don't remember. Jesus Christ. Were you doing it to get back at him or were you really just trying to fuck? Just to get back at him. Oh, good.

You want to break up? This is what that looks like. I'm fucking in the closet, motherfucker. Standing up or laying down? Standing up. Yeah, I don't know how that laying down in the closet. It was a big closet. What a horrible person I was. I fucked it. Was? I don't think you're getting invited to parties where there's a walk- big closet. What a horrible person I was. I fucked it.

I don't think George is getting invited to parties where there's a walk-in closet. No way. It's just a barn. A Christopher walk-in closet. Oh, that's good. Do you want to fuck inside of me? Why don't you fuck inside of my closet?

A bucket of milk? Churn my ass like milk. Two mice crawled in my asshole. Jeez, out of my cream. I heard that feels good, like gerbils in the asshole or whatever. Oh, yeah? Who'd you hear that from? Richard Gere, I heard, did it.

Harrison Ford, one of those guys. No. I swear, Google is one of those guys. I would do that to you. Did you put a little rat man in his ass? Hey, look at that. He's busy reading newspapers. I heard like the claws and all that feel good.

Rat man. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Oh, it's a white rat too. Look at you. Wait a minute. Look at him.

Can't the claw tear the intestine? John Marco, I did his part. He is a rat. Taxidermy. Wait, is he taking a shit? Holding a... Oh, I think I saw that on the podcast. Yeah, that's awesome. John Marco, he puts gerbils in his ass, I hear. For sure. Taxidermy. Wait, is he taking a shit? Holding a... Oh, I think I saw that on the podcast. Yeah, that's awesome.

John Marco, he puts gerbils in his ass, I hear. For sure. That's how he gets his energy on stage. That motherfucker got gerbil in his ass. That motherfucker walking around gerbil in that ass. John Marco got disqualified from last comic standing because he had a gerbil in his ass the whole time. That's actually against the rules.

Are you nervous? No, I have a gerbil in my ass. I have a gerbil. That's why he's. That's actually against the rules. Are you nervous? No, I have a gerbil in my ass. I have a gerbil. That's why he's bent over like that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tied to the scarf he wears on stage. It's the equivalent of using steroids.

In comedy, if you have a gerbil in your ass, it's like using steroids. You get disqualified. I don't know. We were having. I get it yeah i liked it yeah then i was trying to make a joke about it so i didn't have time to laugh at yours you know what i mean yeah yeah i'm trying how would you know this dude you know what would be fun if we did on the show spin the bottle what is wrong with you you're always not kissing your friends definitely not no it'd be like a fun bit i kissed her her. Would you kiss Sherry?

He's kind of cute too, but you're married. Would you kiss Sherry, Jordan? How's that going? Too scared of that? I think my mom's happy. Will you kiss her? It's been nine years. I'll kiss Racine. What are you doing right now?

Do we have a bottle? One right here. Stop. Spin it if you want. Spin. Spin the pack. All right, there you go. We got to get it.

Nope. Nope. Hold on. Spin the pack. Oh, Ethan. Ethan's looking good, by the way. I like your beard, honey. Yeah.

Yeah, he does look like a, you know, bomber in a hot way. Whoa. School sugar. Have you ever had a beard before? Who? Yeah, he does look like a Unabomber in a hot way. Whoa! He does. Have you ever had a beard before? Yeah, it looks good. He grows it fast, dude. That's a man right there. At that testosterone.

Wow. And he's got his little triangle shirt fire shoes on. Look at him. Triangle shirt waste fire, remember that? It was all the women that died in that building. triangle shirt fire shoes on. Look at them. What are those? Triangle shirt waste fire. Remember that? It was all the women that died in that building.

I am starting to get like gray in my beard which I'm excited about. I'm getting gray in my sideburns and I'm digging it. Yeah, it's a good look. You're gray.

I got a gray streak. There's a little salt and pepper. You look hot with gray. Like Storm. Y'all should just fuck. You too. Ew. Sherry.

I don't know. There's just this sexual tension. Maybe it's just friendship. He just radiates glut, you two. Ew. Sherry. I don't know. There's just this sexual tension. Maybe it's just friendship. He just radiates gluttonous sexuality. Maybe. Me too.

I feel him on that. I got, yeah. You're a rapist. Hey! Sorry. What do you got over there? Non-consent. What do you got?

What's that? Thank you, Sherry. I appreciate it. Did you get a cordless mic? What, honey? I said, you're looking tan. You're looking nice as well.

Oh, I just got back from North Carolina. I was in the Outer Banks with my wife and her family. Oh, that's fun. How was it? It's a little boring. You're looking nice as well. Oh, I just got back from North Carolina. I was in the Outer Banks with my wife and her family. Oh, that's fun. How was it? It's a little boring. Yeah, it's really boring.

Is it? Yeah, it's really boring. It's really country, too. Really southern. I got a ticket on the way down there. I was going 85 miles an hour, 80 miles an hour in a 45. Yeah. And the cop gave me a ticket and he said, you have to come back here for court.

So I got to go back there for court. Can you just pay the ticket? No, I got to go back there for court. Can you just pay the ticket? No, I got to go back for court. Why? Because it was reckless driving. It's like a felony charge, apparently. I got to get a lawyer. I was getting my pussy.

Actually, she was fingering me at the time. Was she really? Yeah, and the dog was like staring at us. And it was all weird and shit. Yes, I swear it has to be. I'll tell you what, I did finger girl once in my mom's Toyota RAV4. That was kind of cool.

I gave road trip while I was driving. I always do road trip. You did? No. No, I'm like, how'd you do that? Hold the wheel, honey.

His ass was driving the weird legs doing right now. I don't know. You're in the Guinness Book of World Records for some reason. Okay, and then, yeah, most thumbtacks

eat in this guy. And then this guy ate a woman's pussy while he was driving. I have done that. Just give her a little kiss. I've done a lot of roadhead. Have I gotten? That was the first blowjob I ever got from a woman. Roadhead. Captain Jack was playing.

Captain Jack will get you high tonight. And then she was like on your handlebars or like it was on the bike. And we went back to her house and she was like, will you jerk off on my face? And I was like,

and in my head I was like, I'm going to look like an idiot just sitting there like, OK, what do you do? She's twiddling her thumbs. So I go, I go, only if you'll help me with your mouth. Right. She goes, OK, you can just go home. That's not as hot. What if you die and go to hell?

They just play back all the things you said to women over the course of your life, like trying to get pussy. It'd be bad for me. I thought she was a drummer and heard I'd lie. Bad for me. lay back all the things you said to women over the course of your life trying to get pussy yeah ians are just lies about who he is what did you say you texted you had somebody text you and said it was joe rogan oh my god i was at a strip club i saw you met him awesome in in uh in uh in san antonio and i was at the stripper and Shana was opening for me I was like dude we came up with you should change my name to Joe Rogan and I'll call you

so we're at the table and I have my phone up and we're talking and up pops Joe Rogan and she goes is Joe Rogan calling you right now and I go anyway what were you saying you're more important is Joe Rogan calling you right now? And I go, I haven't. Anyway, what were you saying? You're more important. You're more important than Joe Rogan.

I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh. How old are your kids? You're an only child, but you have four pets, and you count as siblings? Uh-huh. I'm going to titty fuck you later. What's that? You're not like other girls?

Anyway, I'll call Joe later. Joey boy. And I texted Shader, I go, I'll call you back later. You're the man. What a fucking loser. Oh my God. I suck. To impress a woman that you're paying to grind on you.

She's not even paying attention. I'm like, aha. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. She's not even paying attention I'm like aha Oh ba ba ba ba ba Shout out to girls

And the crazy things they make us Shout out to things we do for love Shout out to things we do for love I think that you could get in a lot of trouble For personating somebody who knows Joe Rogan I think that's scandalous It was a fucking bit I think he would think it's funny

It was a fucking goof Oh I think he would think it's funny. Yeah, it was a fucking goof. Oh, is Hunter Biden calling you right now? President Barack Obama. I'll certainly call you back. You're like, hey, what's up, man? No, yeah, he lets me say it. Lyndon B. Johnson is on the phone. No, Barack Obama lets me say it.

You got to pass. You got to pass. Lyndon B. Johnson is on the phone. Barack Obama lets me say it. You got to pass. You got to pass. Lyndon B. Johnson. His hat doesn't fit on there. I know. It's weird, right? Oh, Sherry. What's up?

GhostbustersUniverse on Instagram sent us a bunch of Ghostbusters Playmobil stuff for Jordan to play with. That's awesome. I was looking at that. I was like, oh, Slimer. Slimer. It's just Slimer at a hot dog stand. You got him with a mullet, bro. That's awesome. I was looking at that. I was like, yeah, right? Slimer. It's just Slimer at a hot dog stand. Egon with the mullet, bro.

That's awesome. I know. That's you, man. That was you when we were kids. I know. I was always Egon. Sherry was always Winston.

I was the black guy. Yeah. No, I liked being a Venkman. Yeah. Venkman was the best. Yeah. Did you do the voice? Yeah.

I don't give a shit about this. Kill these ghosts, motherfucker. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Dude, the best is when he goes, this is real. I have seen shit that'll turn you white. And the mayor's like, oh, God, Jesus. Calm down.

Ghostbuster talk. I don't know about it. I don't watch children's movies Only grown up movies Have you seen it? Not in a long time But I'm watching a lot of kids movies now Like what?

Like the Prince of Egypt Moana Sing it Coco is a good one Do you like watching it? Or do you just have it on in the background? Yeah, they're good. Yeah, some of them are good. Is it YouTube stuff? Pixar is good. A lot of you don't pay attention. The algorithm

makes him start to be groomed. He does end up watching some weird stuff on YouTube. Like what? Really? Just really weird. Like there's like he'll watch a video of like there's a video of like a guy shooting balloons with a gun. Oh, that's cool. Like a real like he'll watch a video of like there's a video of like a guy shooting balloons with a gun. Oh, that's cool. Like a real gun?

Yeah. Awesome. Remember that old sex show? There was like a sex show that was like Real Sex? Reading Rainbow? I think it was Real Sex where it was like. Real Sex on HBO? Real? No, no. It was like way before HBO. Cinemax. Oh, it was like softcore.

It was like kink and there was one guy who could only come If he had balloons pop near him Oh maybe like It was a scripted show I thought it was MTV Oh was it Undressed? MTV's Undressed I don't know but it was a sex show

Wasn't there a show called MTV's Undressed And it was like It was kind of like Yeah it was a sex show. Hidey-ho, neighbors. I'm so sad. Okay. This isn't going to be a normal fucking

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and I had real nicotine, but I'm just not in the mood for anything right now, Ethan, okay? I'm going through it. It happens. I'll be fine next week. Fucking buy the product. Smile and point.

Say thank you. How's that? How's that? Goodbye. Enjoy the rest of the show, assholes. Not you. I appreciate you fucking watching. Thank you.

Just whatever. Goodbye. Dude. What? Yeah, there was a guy who could only fuck if he popped balloons near his dick. You're talking about an experience you had as a child. No, no, no. Just getting roused up.

Yeah, you're talking about an uncle. He's a weird uncle. There was somebody who popped balloons and he'd be like, oh, oh. And then there was another woman who ate couch cushions. Oh, yeah. It was on Nick's strange addiction. Yes, yes. I remember that. And that came out recently and wasn't before real sex. Oh, yeah. It was on my strange addiction. Yes. Yes. I remember that.

And that came out recently and wasn't before real sex. Oh, OK. Maybe it was real sex. Which I jerked off to at my grandfather's friend's beach house. What was your first thing jerking off to? Scrambled porn. Aladdin. 93.

Scrambled porn. A couple of weeks later, my dad died and I thought God was punishing me for it. Yeah. I remember you telling me that. The Spice Channel And then I could only get into my grandparents house And I kept being like Mom I can only do homework

Wow It helps me concentrate And I'll never forget the night before I watched it for the first time I tried to put the Phillies game on on channel 9 And I hit 99 And it came up. And my grandmother goes, Jesus.

I go, what's that? And my grandmother goes, that's a bad channel. You never want to watch the bad channel. So in the next morning, it's a crack of dawn. I'm a fucking bad channeling it up. Do they still have the bad channels? No, everything's on Pornhub. Nothing's scrambled anymore.

Yeah, because all the channels that you didn't have access to were like... Yeah, but now kids are fucking porno in their pocket. Sure. On their cell phone. Yeah. I had to masturbate to the Sears catalog underwear section. I had to masturbate to the TV guide and think a movie was named Sexily and then just use my imagination.

Sexily. I jerked off to my friends. What? I used to do that too. And then it was weird when I had sleepovers with them. Oh, no. We would be together jerking off in one room together. Damn.

Pussy out? Wish I grew up with you, bro. No, kind of like. All my friends were like. There was always the one girlfriend that was like, let's do things with our privates. That was me. Yeah. Really?

Sometimes. Yeah. Dude, we would play lions. If we were playing lions, that meant that we were just jerking off. What was lions? We'd pretend to be lions jerking off and for some reason it was okay because we were lions. Let me hear you roar. Let me hear.

Growl, baby, growl. You better scratch me. Our moms would be like, what are you doing? We'd be like, playing lions. They're like, yeah. Me, yeah. Baba, me. Me, Baba. Hakuna Matata.

Jordan's taking her friend. She's sobbing. She's like, let me lift you like Simba and eat your pussy. Why am I sobbing? They call me Scar. They just play, yeah. Dude, we would man our battle stations and go to different sections to jerk off.

And I remember looking over at my friend's dick and it was huge. And then later I drew it on a piece of loose leaf like a gay police sketch artist. I would remember this. I remember that. Draw your face. You ever do any gay shit?

No. Not once. Really? I remember two kids in elementary school put their, they would always take their penises and just put it between the other one's butt cheeks and just hold it there. Hot dogging. Hot dogging.

Hot dogging. Yeah, that seems fine. That's kosher. I'll never forget. I went, I drew a picture of a woman with boobs and a penis and I slid it on my friend's desk and I was like, what do you think of this thing I just invented? That's awesome.

That's awesome. I don't know where it came from, but I was like, this is pretty cool. Epiphany for the future. What do you think of this thing I just invented? That's awesome. I don't know where it came from, but it's pretty cool. That's awesome. It's like a unicorn, which is a horse and a horn. Everyone's learning cursive. Ian, who do you have a crush on? This fucking freak

I just drew up. I like trans women. You can only get off the women you drew. That's so funny. That's why you were funny. That's why you were funny. It was an alien with like three pussies. Hentai. Have you ever seen hentai porn?

No. It's like, what is it? It's anime. It's like anime. Yeah, but it's like the tentacles, right? Yeah, it's fucking weird. Yeah, like five pussies, seven titties. It's really strange.

I've been getting into gay cartoons lately. Okay. But it's all like, we just had good fun playing soccer. I bet you can't tackle me. I'm like, ooh, memories. It's like Homer and Ned Flanders. No, not that. I'm not a freak.

I watched Beauty and the Beast porn once where Gaston fucked those three women on the bench. Gaston? Oh, his little helper was gay. You know that, right? Or whatever. No, that was Hook. What was Gaston's helper? LeFou? He was always like, Gaston, you're the best!

No one's better than you, Gaston! I bet you can come harder than anyone else! In the live action one, they made him actually gay. They made him explicitly gay. This is weird. On Broadway, they made the hot cat gay and I was so upset about it. Really?

He was like the sexy gay. I mean, he was the sexy cat and then in the Broadway one, he was like, Hello! And I was like, I'm out of here. I'm leaving immediately. Hello! I jerked off to that guy. You jerked off to a cat? In Cats, the movie? Yeah, totally. What's his name?

Mr. Mistoffelees? No. The angelical cat? No, the movie? Yeah, totally. What's his name? What was his name? Who? Mr. Mistoffelees? No. The angelical cat? No, the sexy cat. The jellicle cat. Do you remember that guy that would come to open mics and go, I'm the jolly cat.

No, but do you remember the girl that would go to open mics and laugh and go, like a stuffed pig? Yeah, Rachel. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah, Rachel. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yes. She was nice. So nice.

She's got a baby. She's got a kid now. Good for her. Yeah. Do you remember Alan Shane? Yeah. The guy that would just bring up a cell phone and go,

hot cum. Yeah. No, but I always, that joke that Gowie had, Gowie had one of the funniest jokes Where he was like Yeah he was like this older guy That uh

Had a speech impediment Had a speech impediment Obsessed with Tina Fey Yeah Gowie And drew pictures of himself And put them all around NBC

30 Rock It was like Tina Call me But he was on 30 Rock Wasn't he Every episode Yeah he was on it

He was an extra He was an extra And they would just have him walk across camera in the back. And he thought that that was Tina Faye secretly telling him like, you've done all this, you're going to get your big break soon and the break. Off his mess,

bro. Well, he had this funny bit where he was like, I used to work at a bookstore and one time this black guy came in and said, hey man, do you know where the Malcolm X books are and I said oh yeah oh yeah dude they're over in aisle five and then my manager said no Gary you're not black you can't talk like you're black and I said say what that rules and then he goes and then he goes and then another time this gay guy came into the store and said, Hi, do you know where the Truman Capote books are?

And I said, Oh, yes, they're over in aisle three. And then my manager said, No, Gowie, you're not gay. You can't talk like you're gay. And I said, Say what? You said that word right there. That's the best bit I've ever heard. Yeah, some of these loony bins have really good bits.

Remember the guy who was Asian who always wore the Sakani sneakers? Long hair. Remember that guy? What? But he didn't really perform. He would just watch the open mics, I think, right? No, I think he would go up and say, wait, Phil987? Yes. Oh, yeah.

He's got some good bits, yeah. Open mics are weird as fuck, right? Yeah, they're weird as fuck. Are there still fucking like weirdo staples? There's not as many, I don't think. That fat, dumbass Cass Borbano or whatever. There's some weirdos, for sure. I saw her make a post that was like,

open mics aren't safe. There's too many men that are blah, blah. And then like six months later, she was like, I miss a time when you never knew who would walk into an open mic. Were they an unhinged man or when they blah blah? I was like, you're the one that chased a man. Yeah, exactly.

Right? Now there's one guy at open mic. Did I unlock something in you? What's wrong with you right now? No, I don't know. Was I mean? Should I not have said that? No. I don't think you're mean. I don't know what you said. I wasn't listening. I don't know. Was I mean? Should I not have said that? No. I don't think you're mean. Ice the room. I don't know what you said. I wasn't listening.

I don't know. Yeah. I wasn't. I'm like narking out almost. I could sleep immediately. I gave you that, Addy. I know I didn't take it, but I really. Crushed up and slept.

Are there freaks at open mics still? Yeah, there was this one guy who threw tomatoes at his girlfriend. What? Or his ex-girlfriend. She left him, so he found out to the open mic that she was at, and he started throwing, like, tomatoes at her. That's cool. Like, legit tomatoes at her. I thought it was a bit, and I'm just like, what the fuck is happening?

Naeem Ali got attacked at the Raven Lounge after a roast battle, and everyone thought he was part of the show, and he just started, like, hitting the guy, and everyone was like, this is really interactive. And then him and his boys Like found the guy and Tim Platt attacked a dude Not attacked him but like ran this guy out Who was like heckling

But Tim Platt used to do this bit where he'd turn his baseball cap And slowly turn into a bro And then this guy was like being mean And he stayed in character and was like I'll fucking Beat the shit out of him And Tim Platt's like a sweet gayish seeming guy He's not like that And then the guy was left and we not like that. And then he,

and then the guy was left and we were like, that was amazing. And he like took off the hat and he was like, I don't know you guys. It was like he could only do that because he was in character.

Absolutely. I know a lot of people, a lot of guys like that. That's crazy. That's an improv. That's crazy. Just because the backwards cap. I've never seen anything like it.

What up dude? Fucking bitch. Suck my dick right now. Suck it from the back. Imagine walking up to a gang member just because you put on a red bandana and be like, I'll beat your ass. And everybody's like, what are you doing?

And you're like, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry about that. Like you said. That's what I'm worried will happen if I ever buy lingerie. I'll just lose my personality. If you ever buy lingerie? You don't own lingerie? No, I've never owned lingerie.

I bet you look good in some lingerie, baby. Some lingerie? Yeah, me too. You'd look hot in thigh-high fishnets. What do you think of that? Never in a thousand years. So. What do you think of that? Never in a thousand years. So then what are you afraid of?

Don't be scared. If you buy them, you'll be like a whore? What are you talking about? I've just a couple times been like, should I buy lingerie? And I'm like, no, I think it'll change me. Are you dating right now? Are you dating anybody? Nope. Don't tell my wife. Me neither.

Don't tell your wife don't tell your wife who is your wife her name is Brianne she's the sweetest she's a nice lady and Sherry throws her pussy around town I've been faithful for like two years now oh good

we've been married nine and I've been faithful for about two years now wow that's a lot of not after the pandemic, I stopped. Yeah. Were you like one of these? Were you like a rapper? I used to be a battle rapper in my 20s. Yeah, I did.

Nuh-uh. Yes, I did. Yeah, I swear to God. It was, yeah. And this was back, this was in Delaware. Oh, shit. Deb is coming with Ben, so we gotta put the cigarettes out. Oh, yeah. Oh, let me Deb is coming with Ben, so we got to put the cigarettes out. Oh, yeah. Oh, let me have it. Let me have it.

Jesus Christ. It's like you with a dick. My God. Put it out. Yeah, he's got some respiratory problems. Does he? I don't know why. Yeah.

Will you open the... I think he cracked it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I'm losing oxygen. Do you guys feel like you're losing oxygen to your brains? No. You need some water, maybe.

Here, have some water. Liquid death. That's really good water. Spit it in my mouth. No, I said no. You want to spit it in mine? Okay. Oh, you took it in mine? Okay. Oh, you took it off from me.

Damn. My glory. Now we have a child coming. He said no, I said no. No, I said no. Right now. Just before this. No, I said no.

Right at the beginning of this sentence. Spit in my mouth. Should we? I'm all just covered in spit. The child's coming. How should we switch up the we? I'm just covered in spit. The child's coming. How should we switch up the couch? I don't care. Home and now.

Huh? Here, Sherry, sit here. All right. Should we switch microphones? I'm in really good sleep. Yeah, should I leave the microphone here? Yeah, yeah. And then Ethan will give you, oh, hi.

Oh, my goodness. He's gotten really big Guess who's over here Hi Guess who's over here What do you have Hi Benny Okay we'll just act normal What's up

What's up Kid What's going on Why Why He's not gonna to pick anything up Look at this beautiful child This is my cousin Sherry

This is Deb There you go What kind of truck is that? Your hair looks great Did you bring your dog? I did bring it Benny I think so Road mic I did bring it. Yeah. Okay. What is, there's the, okay. Benny.

Is this real? I think so. Yeah. Road mic. Yeah. That's crazy. Whoa. Really cool.

Razine, get your kid to stop making noises. Yeah. Ben, is that a dump truck? We're going to. Dumps like a truck. How about we play with the monkey that's quiet? He's only going to want the dump truck.

Ben, look at this. Whoa. There's so many cool things here. There's so many cool things you can play truck. Ben, look at this. There's so many cool things here. There's so many cool things you can play with. Ben, it's cigarettes. Ben. Is that tequila and water?

What if it was? Numb as gums. He'll be out in a minute. Ben, do you want to hear a joke? Why is history the fruitiest subject? Because it's full of gays and queer. No, because it's full of dates. Because it's full of his.

What did the teacher put on top of her pizza? Grated cheese. Oh. Got it? With a J. What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? What? Ba-na-na-na.

Oh. You're retarded. You're a retarded person. Did you hear the one about the Polish guy who locked his keys in his car? No, what? He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's a sparkling water. Oh, no.

Did you hear about the what? The Polish guy who locked his keys in his car. Ha, ha, ha, what? He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out. Hey, where do you learn to make a great banana split? His family was in the car. It's an abortion joke. No, it's not an abortion joke. I don't get it. Yeah, like a coat hanger.

No, he had to use a coat hanger to get his family out because his family was locked in the car. And they're stupid. They're too stupid to open. They're Polacks. Because they're Polish. I didn't get it either. I didn't get it either. I bought this whole time.

You use a coat hanger to get your keys out of a car. And your Polish family is too stupid to realize they can unlock it from the inside. More shoes for this kid, huh? Yeah, I bought new shoes today. Oh my God. How do you fix a pizza? How?

With tomato paste. That's really bad. I guess some are better than others. I'm looking up dad jokes, but there's no certain. I don't love that one. No? Is Ben talking? Yeah.

He is. Yeah. Oh, say some words. You're so cute, Ben. He's going to be Oogie Boogie for Halloween. What's Oogie Boogie? From Nightmare Before Christmas. Are you going to be Jack?

I'm going to be Fat Jack Skellington. Jack Big Bone Skellington. Jack and Large Skellington. Who's Jack going to be? Jack. You're going to be Jack. I'm going to be Mommy and Daddy. You're gonna be Jack. And mommy is Sally. Oh, wow.

And Frankie's Zero. Frankie is Zero. Jack Shell Postington. Jack shouldn't go back for a second. Jack Stuff Shellington. Why are you wearing such slutty pants? I don't know, but...

I was trying not to look in that direction. I was like, he's got a little something going on down there. Don't look sluttier than Daisy Duke. Jordan noticed that I have large balls. You should get him checked. It's interesting you've never noticed that. Have you ever noticed just how bulbous his balls are? I have noticed that he constantly wears shorts that are

inappropriate. I agree with that. These are knee length shorts. Thank you. See this? That's what your balls look like. No, these are regular shorts. Oh, stop. No, they're really thin. They're extremely thin. They're for running. Did you put your balls in your pocket? And moved them over a little bit?

Yeah. Anyway. So you're going to be Jack 8 Sally? I'm going to be, yeah. Jack 8 Sally is how she says it. And mommy is Sally. That's going to be fun. Do you know who played Sally?

Who? Capron O'Hara. Whoa. Yeah, right? From Home Alone. Yeah. Well, I had no idea. Me neither until I saw the live version.

I just saw the live version. YouTube, because he like he goes to the bookstore with his daddy. Uh-huh. I go to the bookstore. I read him books on how to have gay sex. Because we live in liberal New York. Teach them young. Just like they did Ian and I.

Hey, we're going to read Tom of Finland. Yeah. She's reading Tom of Finland. Yeah. Just reading Tom of Finland. How come you're a finger man? Boogie Boogie Halloween, that's right. Boogie Boogie. Yeah. They're silly.

Yeah. Benjamin, do you have a secret about Daddy? No. No. Yeah, we go to the bookstore sometimes. Daddy big pizza? Daddy big pizza? Daddy eats big pizzas, huh?

Daddy is a big pizza? Dad's a pizza shit? You were this and then you were there. Does daddy have pepperoni nipples? I was going to say that, but I don't know them like that. I was going to say like he went under the water. You did not. You went all the way under.

Cool. Hold your breath. How you swim. Yeah. Let me see. Do you put swimmies on? Yes. I like this. Pretending to not exist.

Let's look over here. Maybe they'll stop talking to me if I look away. He's very cute. This is just a five person. It was more fun. You are definitely a MILF by the way. Oh my god Sherry turn it off. I can't help it.

I'm like, she has kids? That's crazy. She's a piece of ass, you know what I mean? Sally, Sally. It's a hot family. It's a hot family. It is. You guys are a hot family with big old tits.

I know, I know. A lot of tits in this family. Motorboat. Big old tits. Big old honkers in that family. That's why Ben's growing up so big. He can nurse from both of them. You full of milk, huh, Benny?

I was telling them earlier. Get off the Jack Skellington. We're moving on. You're running the bit into the ground, Ben. Yeah, we get it. Dad's fat. Who are you going to be? Scooby-Doo?

Oogie Boogie. Are you going to be Oogie Boogie? Oogie Boogie. How do you mean? Oogie Boogie was the large black leader of the Thunder Guard, the black motorcycle gang in Delaware. Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm. My ex-neighbor Vi was his wife.

Isn't that nice, Ben? He kicked the soccer ball. He kicked the soccer ball at the boardwalk. Yeah, he did a good job. Yeah. People are so mad. Daddy has big balls. Yes, that's right. Can you say big balls? Yes, that's right.

Can you say big balls? They dunk it. Dunk it. Dunk the balls. When you were at the beach, did people think Daddy was a whale? No. Oh, my God. It's a whale of a time.

A grown ass man No Shut up You're gonna tell mom Benny Benny Ben you're getting so big Can you say how old you are Yeah how old are you

Alright Sorry guys He's on that oogie boogie tip man I'd be riding the wave Yeah, how old are you? Alright. Sorry, guys. He's on that Oogie Boogie tip, man. I'll be riding the wave. Dude, the funniest thing was when we'll cut this episode down. When Racine recorded his special, it was so cute when Benny went on stage

with you and then you just started like what were you doing with him? Were you crowd working him or something? Well, I think I told everybody to boo him so that he didn't, you know, like want to be a comedian. Shame him young. Teach him young. Ray C kept sweating and I kept having to go stop and Deb would come up and do his makeup. Yeah.

It was the best. I didn't think he was sweating that much, but we did have to pause a couple times. How did it turn out? Do you guys sweat on stage? Yeah. Yeah. But I'm new. So I was supposed to go to your special.

I was at the stand. Yeah. I was there. I saw you outside. Oh, yeah. That's right. I got drunk early and I threw up across the street and I had to go. Okay.

Yeah. I was really looking forward to it, too. Like, I really was. Yeah. Sherry's like, I'm going to go hang out in my car. You want to come? I'm like, good God, no. What?

I was trying to be nice, bro. You were like a cane. You were like a cane or something. What do you do for a year? A lesbian choking on her own vomit? Ian's cousin from Delaware. Good God, no. I lived in New York 20 years, but the Delaware has not gone out of me.

Yeah, I was disappointed. I lived in Delaware for first, second, and fifth grade. And I'm so glad that was it. Yeah, it's bad. I mean, I'm sure you guys are swell, but the rest of the people that I grew up with Look how we turned out. Where in Delaware did you live?

In Newark. Newark. Off Kirkwood Highway? 896 Arc. New Arc. New Arc. Off Kirkwood Highway? Yeah. 896. To Ian? Ian is gay. People's Plaza. People's Plaza, yes. That's right near Newport. That's where I lived for two years.

Gennardis, yes. Oh, I lived by the cinema 10. Oh, I went to Brader Elementary School. Brader? I know Brader. Yo, I lived in a halfway house directly across the street from where my mom threw me a surprise 18th birthday party at a bowling alley. Cute. Wouldn't it have been fun memories?

The bowling ball was like a crystal ball. It was like, hey. We used to have a place called Club Ithaca at our local bowling alley where we would all grind on people's dicks. That's fun. You ever do that? A lot of dry humping. I think they should just get rid of...

Footloose was right. Yeah. Yeah. Dancing, footloose, and Kevin Bacon. I agree. They're just ways to feel a boner. That is just grossly embarrassing. Get rid of it.

Yeah. It is. We kind of invented that dancing, the doggy style dancing. Oh embarrassing. Get rid of it. Yeah. It is. Yeah, we kind of invented that dancing, the doggy style, like dancing. Oh, hell yeah, we did.

Yeah. And then you would basically get- Because nobody did that before our generation. No, we were pumping out there, man. Dude, isn't it crazy

that adults would chaperone dances while children just rubbed up on each other? Yeah, it's crazy. That's weird. You couldn't pay me enough to do that.

I'd be like, fire me. Dude, I... I'm not supervising this dance. The first time I ever came, I was at the eighth grade dance. That makes sense. And I... That happened to me with a guy, yeah.

Did it? Yeah, we were dancing and he was like, I was like grinding, you know. Yeah, yeah. And then he was wearing gray, like gray, like his shorts and it's wrong color for him.

Yeah. Yeah, you jerked him off. You were jerking people off. I jerked him off with my leg. So this girl this girl dancing me like i like because she felt bad for me and we slow danced to uh with arms wide open by creed and then i went home and i came for the first time i thought you meant you came right there six feet from the edge it's about a baby with arms wide open And then I went home and came to lightning crashes My life

Oh this is supposed to be a baby Oh no I sinned There goes all my babies I was in a grind train and I started to get a heart on And I faked an injury to get out of it Yeah good That was smart Now we're seeing he just blew a load Jordan to get a heart on and I faked an injury to get out of it. Yeah, good. That was smart.

He just blew a load. Jordan. Jordan. Every story Mike tells about his childhood and adolescence is horribly embarrassing. I don't know how he volunteers this information without shame. Like what? What's another one?

What color is that? His mom had to remove the headboard from his bed. Why? Because I would like fuck my bed, I guess. You were the hump in pillows? Yeah, I was like not a traditional masturbator. I was a put my hands in my

palms and fuck my palms. My wife is like that. It's kind of badass. Is it? Wait, wait, wait. You would and your mom was like we got to get rid of this headboard. It's keeping us up. Is it? Wait, wait, wait. You would, and your mom was like, we got to get rid of this headboard. It's keeping us up. Our son is fucking his hand on his bed. It's destroying our family.

Trying to sleep. They're trying to pay their bills. They're trying to pay the electric bill. Mike's jerking off. Mike's listening to Creed again. Mike, why don't you turn that fucking shitty music off? I'm trying to... Why don't you, Scott, stop?

I'm trying to watch Bill O'Reilly in here. Trying to hear about these silver coins. Shut the fuck up. My dad picked up the phone in the internet cutout. Picked up the phone to, I don't know, whatever. To order a Bill O'Reilly book. You get it. It's, you know, 2002.

Yeah, call 1-800. Dad, you fucking asshole. Bill O'Reilly book you get it Who's your favorite wrestler That's so original yeah Yeah! Steve Olster. I think he really likes Jeff Hardy. We just haven't... Kick it, daddy. Do you want to show Ian how you jump on daddy? Yeah, I want to see that. I want to see that. No, what are you doing?

Just have him jump on you here. I got to move the table so he can... No, you don't. Have him jump on your back. Have him jump on that ball sack that is a bouncy house. Knock your balls back in your fucking body. That would hurt, actually. Yeah, jump on daddy.

They're actually ovaries, and they put them in the wrong spot. Yeah. I'm trying to replace you a little bit. I think moms can go to wrestling in the Delaware. I don't know if you know this. There's too many things. Ovaries are the size of nectarines, actually, and that's why. Wait, how does he jump on daddy?

He does wrestling. He does like a Jeff Hardy, like, yeah. Here you go. Oh, like off the top rope kind of stuff? Oh, look what I got. Wow. Now that is a loving wife. Want to review this?

Yeah. Want to review Jeff's food? Do you have utensils? Or are we supposed to eat? Don't drop your hands in there. I'm not. How's it smell? This is how we eat.

It looks good. It doesn't smell too bad. That smells delicious. It That smells delicious It's a Martha Stewart Mike was saying how You use hamburger helper And it's not good I didn't say it wasn't good I said it was good Play it back

I don't use hamburger helper But I do I just make it Because I like one pan meals Homemade hamburger helper and it's good. I don't use hamburger helper, but I do. Take it back. That looks amazing. I just make it because I like, you know, one pan meal. I like hamburger helper. Oh, with a lot of cheese. I try not to do too much cheese.

Ben, come on. Fucking low-dogging the fucking Tupperware. Can somebody get this Neanderthal of pork? I just want to show everyone how we eat dinner in our house because we don't want dishes. Pour it in your mouth. Deb, I just want to show everybody how the Racine family eats dinner.

Deb, let them do it. No, because I'm not getting pasta spills everywhere. Benjamin, your mother's being a fucking whore right now. That's bad. This is fucking awesome. being a fucking whore right now. That's bad. This is fucking awesome. I should not have agreed to that. I love the Delaware Den. I need to come back here more.

Makes me feel like I'm at home in this fucked up city. You see this guy? He can jump on your daddy's balls and get lost forever. That's where you were made and then you could jump on him. Yeah, you want to go back to where you came from? Aww.

Can you go get a fork real quick? She brought her food, but she didn't bring forks. I know. I'm sure his brains aren't as big as men. I'm so useless. No, I'm sure it's very good. It's fine. We're going to get a fork.

Did you know that you're technically I think it's you're technically low IQ if your hand is bigger than your face? Nuh-uh. Yes. I knew what you were doing. I thought for it too, bro. I knew what you were doing. So fucking stupid.

You think you can fool me? No, but you do have AIDS if your hand is bigger than your face. Do I have AIDS? See? Look at this guy. This is a Percocet. That's a Percocet. Is that really a Percocet?

Yeah. Do you imagine Ian going in for an AIDS test and the doctor's like, he looks at him and he's like, I'll be honest. Is somebody else tasting this? I'm going to guess. I'll taste it. I'll taste it. If I had to eyeball you. Your grabby hand.

You yanked the toys out of my hand. You're a different thing. This is a lady. For the record, my wife's cooking is not bad. It's fine. It's good. I enjoy it. I mean, I just followed the instructions.

Okay, dad. Question. Who put this in the oven and burned the plastic? We do have burned Tupperware. No, it is melted on the side. I think it was like next to a stove. Everything is slightly melted. My favorite is going to your house and seeing signs that you have clearly made that are like,

in this house, we clean up our messes. Don't leave this in the sink. It's like the kid can't read. Who's this for? If you tinkle when you sprinkle Please be neat and wipe the seat I'm gonna put a new sign No dishes left behind

Are you still in the same place No we moved a lot of times We moved again I think we moved twice since we last saw you No Did you come to our place in Red Hook I don't think so The Red Hook one no that was awful

With the backyard? Yeah, it's not bad. I ate a lot of it. Wow! Where we did the podcast. Yeah, that's two apartments ago. What? Why do you guys move so much? It's like you're in a fake military family.

There's a gang trying to kill Deb. I'm on the run. But as long as we only move a couple blocks, they can't find us. It's a very stupid gang. Deb killed the guy's father with her car one night. You're just reliving the end of White Bank and Jump. Thank you for laughing because it wasn't that good.

We had a COVID yield. That's Mike's dinner. Stop just eating it. No, there's a lot more at home. And Mike probably... Is there? Is there one? It's just...

Hands up. Now he's dead. Now there's no coming back from it. It's not bad. Deb, that's great. What was Mike talking about? No, but I've never said your cooking was bad. Mike is a very good cook. But he will say I under-season food

because he uses a bit too much salt. She also doesn't clean her chicken with dish soap, like the people on TikTok that I watch. People do that. Let's see how it is. That's really good, Deb. What is that? It smells good.

It smells like a 10 out of 10. It's a Martha Stewart one-pot pasta meal. And it is, I can't remember the name of the cheese, but it's like an herb cheese. And I just put that with garlic and tomatoes in a pan for 30 minutes. And then I squeezed out all the garlic. And then I mixed the cheese and the tomatoes. Then I added the spaghetti. Oh, my God.

And the chicken and the spinach. Put on a baseball mitt, Mike. She is a catch. Yeah. I never said she wasn't a catch. She's great. Call her Ian Fidance because she is catching. You know what I mean?

Because he's gay, Ben. Because he's gay. You get it? He's a homo. I got to go. Jordan, I love you. Love you. Call me Ian Fidance

Cause I caught the bug The dead bug Like The bug like HIV I knew what you meant I don't know We used to call it that back

You got the bug I didn't really get there But you guys See what I was going for You got that bug Bug chasing Bug HIV Can you say HIV?

AIDS AIDS AIDS Can you say Daddy? AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. Can you say daddy has AIDS? No, he doesn't say anything bad because he's a perfect angel baby. Yeah, but we're asking him to speak the truth. Whoa, those glasses look cool, Ben. Sometimes he will say the F word. Look at him. Oh, that's okay.

Because his daddy says it. Really? You say bad words in front of the kid, daddy? Whoa, cool. Look at those glasses. That's a cool guy. Because his daddy says it. Really? You say bad words in front of the kid, daddy? Whoa! Cool! Look at those glasses! That's a cool guy. Look at his little face.

I'm going to eat it off. I'm going to eat it right off. Oh, it makes me aggressive. Oh, look at his little eyes. His cheeks. Look at his perfectly quaffed hair. Oh, he's just adorable. You're so cute, Ben.

How did you come from daddy? Yeah, you're... You're so cute Ben How did you come from daddy Yeah Alright that's the show We love you guys Thank you for tuning in Cousin Sherry Hell yeah thank you for having me Racine

What do you got to plug Pleasure to meet you Just my podcast Out for Smokes When does this come out Two weeks Three weeks Oh is it before August 2nd?

Yeah. Why? So I have a comedy show at the stands. It's a charity event, so if you people want to pay it back, you know, for all the sinning that you witnessed here, you can go to the stand on August 2nd. I told her to book you guys. Who'd you book? Well, I

still need probably a host. I said, book Jordan. She's great. She was like, I'm going probably a host. I said, book Jordan. She's great. And she was like, I'm going to go with Adrienne Iappolucci. But Jordan, you're still welcome to do the show. Unless you, if you want to host, that would be helpful because I don't know. When is it? We'll talk about it.

It's August 2nd at the stand, 7 o'clock. It is one ticket provides an hour of speech therapy for kids in Kenya, Ghana, or... What about the kids in America? Because Adrian's very funny. Have you been to any public school in New York City? Yeah. Also, I love how Deb has more road dates than Racine. That's not true.

I got a date. I got one. They're all within two weeks, you fucking... Jordan's very funny. Why did you say that? So what's... How come Adrian Appaloochee made the cut, but not old Jordan Jesnitz?

Yeah, where's old Uncle Ian? You're welcome. She said... Well, Ian, I don't know. Do you want to... I said Ian's a great host. You literally just said... I did plug you guys.

We should focus on the Americans. Yeah. America. So why would I book you on my global charity? Yeah, you're a little too right wing. You're a little too right wing to do a charity show. Well, I'm an isolationist. I think we should fix things at home before we dump money into Ukraine.

And she didn't book you because she only wanted one girl on them. That makes sense. That's not true. Yeah, I can't sit through a show with multiple girls. She said which girl. Yeah. No. Oh, you want me to be in there?

JordanJetsonComedy.com. Please subscribe to my YouTube because I have a half hour coming on created by Gas Digital and also I run a show too at The Stand. New jokes new material called Bear With Me Come out

Yes, IanFightAnce.com I'm coming to the Addison Improv Comedy Carlson Comedy Comedy Bar in Toronto That's gonna be so fun I can't wait iAnimal69

Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod Sherry Sherry Baby on Instagram S-H-E-R-I Baby 11

Been doing comedy for a year and three months so I'm still brand new but I'm out there just go to my Instagram and hit me up if you wanna come to one of my shows

I might give you a little treat afterwards if you come. A little incentive. Just quick, quick giving drugs away. Alright, thank you. Love you guys. Bye. We'll see you next time.