Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 054: Well Living W/ Aaron (Jesus Piece) & Nicky (Nothing)

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

All right, we're good to go. What is up? Sup niggas, part two. Patreon. That's right. This is the first time we've ever had a guest start with blowing the shofar. First time? Yeah.

Hey, yeah. This is the best soup I've ever had. Oh, you want to hear it? Ready? Look at that. What's the name of this place? ASMR. This is a, we're taking over the show and it's now ASMR. You can make mad guap. You can make money. You don't have to be Japanese. Yeah, that's yours.

Did I just put that there? Yes. No, I wouldn't have touched you. What? What? Welcome back to the Indian. We, Jordan stayed in a hotel room. I stayed with her. I walked in the room and she did not leave any covers. And I was staying there specifically to nicely

drive you to the airport. Here we are, back at the airport thing. See, you say this in hindsight, but you were like, like yeah let's hang out friends i said i'm gonna go in there and sleep and you were like i'm gonna go outside and pace around for 100 years and then like 30 minutes passed and i'm like fuck this i'm going to bed so i grab the covers pull it over and ian comes in and i hear him you were really being really sweet sneaking in and then you're like i just hear him look at me and go, well, that's not fair.

I didn't know you were awake. I'm going to just ask the front desk for more. I just used a towel. You're throwing a martyr party. What? Yeah. Just go call the front desk. I didn't think of it.

I looked in the closet for more. It wasn't there. I was like, what the fuck? So I just used a towel. That's not fair. You know martyr party? It's just what it is. Unconventional blankets't there. I was like, what the fuck? So I just use a towel. That's not fair. I didn't know martyr party. It's just is what it is. Unconventional blankets, baby. I'm into it.

Remember being a kid and everything being like that? You'd be like, it's not fair. You know what I mean? They'd be like, let's pretend I'm the princess and you're an orphan. And you're like, that's not fair. That's exactly what the noise sounded like. Well, this isn't fair. This isn't equal choice.

He thought he was alone. Yeah. Sometimes life is not too fair. Yeah. I thought you would sit and watch your fucking crime and punishment movie. I did. He thought he was alone. Sometimes life is not too fair. I thought you would sit and watch your fucking crime and punishment movie. I did. I turned on Forensic Files. I can only watch Forensic Files. Do you have a fucking CD, dude?

Crime and Punishment. He's like, alright, I'm just going to watch Doysiak's Crime and Punishment. Did you read books in jail? Yes, I did. What did you read? A lot. Really? Did you convert religions or anything?

I did not. He was on the Muslim team. He's lying. I was on the Muslim team. Everybody in there was Philly. Yeah. I almost converted to Islam. I already have. There's a secret phrase you say In what?

The drunk tank? No When I gave him He took a shahada in the drunk tank He's like I need protection I need a snake He's like

Allah Akbar Like god damn Inshallah Inshallah No I dated a Muslim girl And I was like I'll convert for you Why not?

And then that would have been A bad idea There you are ISIS like 10 years I was playing Can you convert for you Why not And then that would have been A bad idea There you are ISIS like 10 years I was playing Can you imagine me in Pakistan Yeah Yeah

They would Throw me off a roof So fast They'd fuck you up for that You know every time I'm walking around the city There's got There's been like

Three different occasions Where like Like a Hasidic Jew Has come up to me And been like You're Jewish right Oh yeah And I'd be like

Nah bro What the fuck you mean Even, right? And I'd be like, nah, bro. What the fuck you mean? Even with the tattoos? And Cecilia's like, yo, why you say it like that? And I was like, well, I'm not. They'd be like, yeah, but the way you say it, you were like offended. And I was like, I don't know.

Maybe I was. I don't know. But it didn't feel like that. But it's happened to me like three times where people would be like, you're Jewish. Hey, are you Jewish? We'd like to communicate with a fellow Jew. And you're like, the fuck you mean? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I wasn't like that. I'm going to rip your curls off.

I was like, what? I was like, why? What the fuck you mean? You're fully Italian, right? Honestly, though, I'm Baltic and Italian. What's your last name? Palermo, which is very Italian. Palermo. Palermo. Palermo. Palermo.

You know, not to cut things, but there was a big Adam Sandler thing for a while. Jake met Adam Sandler last night. What? Where? He was at the comic strip and he did a song with his sister. If you watch it, we fuck with you, bro. He's not watching. He's not watching. Adam Sandler could be watching. No, this is a Patreon. He'd have to pay $5. Yo, Adam, if you subscribe it, nigga, we fuck with you, bro. He's not watching. Adam Taylor could be watching.

This is a Patreon. He'd have to pay $5. He's a fabulous Patreon. He's definitely not paying $5. Because he's Jewish. I watched Jack and Jill with my mom twice a couple weeks ago. Goat movie. So funny.

It's good. Every movie. He's kind of hot as Jill. And such a funny dude. Such a good... You watched it twice in a row? When I like something, I watch it twice in a row. Do you make your mom do that? She wanted to. I wanted to watch Bo. She wanted to. We get

our Instagram gets messaged all the time. Especially when Adam was doing that tour. Everyone was tagging me in all of his posts all the time. He did look like Sandler around that time. We had the same thing going for a second. Oh, when he was doing the homeless looking thing? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That was very similar. Yeah, perfect. Spot on. But he's also playing a jazz master and he's rocking out on the thing. You do look like banged up Sandler. Yeah, banged up Sandler. That's good.

That's pretty good, actually. I don't want to look like... That's a good band name. Banged up Sandler. That's like a neighborhood pop punk band. What's up, banged up Sandler? That's great. I want to sing in a band so bad.

Why not? I have lyrics. I was going to say, yeah. Maybe you shouldn't sing in a band. You got any right now? I like how he said, why not? His brain just turned it into, I don't want to sing in a band. That's how much you shouldn't sing in a band. Okay, so during the pandemic. No, no, no. I don't

want to. Oh, okay. It's not the lyrics. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. During the pandemic, my ska band got back together and... Did you ever play with our band called Hold Your Applause? Okay. No. my ska band got back together and hold your applause no yes we played with our expand the know-how in the

early November I fucking love back in like 2001 at a VFW in Kennett Square Pennsylvania and the battle begins yo they're after my whip over in Kennett Square I parked in front of this coffee shop gave me a ticket I will not pay them

Fuck them Fuck those mushroom loving motherfuckers They're coming for me now Fuck you Kennett Square If Kennett Square is paying for the Patreon Kennett Square if you have subscribed Suck my dick Suck his dick

Suck his dick Suck his dick We got back together And recorded a couple tracks The drummer and bassist put together a song That was very hard And I wrote the lyrics and sang it The trumpet player and the singer wrote a song They wrote the lyrics and sang it

And their song was like We're back together after time Being apart It took a while but we're back together after time being apart. It took a while, but we're back to the start. Delaware forever. It was like such a whatever.

And my song was like, I'm laying on the floor, depraved from calling out for God. And just like totally different, like comfort in the gin needle in my skin. Did they ask you? Just trying to slip in the lyrics. That was for her lyrics. What?

Did they fire you? No, everyone just kind of dissolved after that. They're like, man. They're grown-ass dads. A scratch track. What was it called? Sock full of pennies. P-E-N-N-Y-Z.

That's game show, though. Well, you didn't want people to call a sock full of penis, but P-E-N-N-Y-Z. That's game, too, though. Well, you didn't want people to call a sock full of penis, but guess what? They did anyway. Absolutely. Yep. It's going to happen. It's just you putting that out there. I think this man should be calling it a penis. Stop fake tweeting at us. We had a groupie who gave me a sock full of pennies.

Nice. That's the easiest, cheapest gift you could ever give somebody. That's a cool gift. We had a guy who spit on my face. that's the easiest cheapest gift you could ever give somebody we had a guy who spit on my face I made friends with a man who farted at me she wanted to gangbang all of us

no she didn't was it a trans woman no you fucking bitch you're the one who only fucks women? I don't only. Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Anyway, she can do this. No woman wants to gangbang. Well, this is really escalated. 540. Look at that guy. Did you hear it? I heard it. And what you didn't see is just his head through this little shot hole here.

This is my new trademark sound. Are you talking about telling a joke? There's just no way that one woman wanted to gangbang five almost 40-year-olds. We weren't almost 40. We were in high school and college. You just said it was during the pandemic. No, you don't listen when I talk. You said she gave you. In high just said it was during the pandemic. No, you don't listen when I talk. You said she gave you

in high school when I was in the band. She gave me a sock full of pennies and said she wanted me to pour because I didn't drink apple cider. What's that fake sparkling cider? Yeah, she wanted me to pour down her pussy and eat it off.

And I was a virgin and I got too nervous. That's so specific I know And she said she wanted us to gangbanger Didn't Showed up to a dance I didn't dance with her She choked herself in the janitor's closet

And then years later died How? Died? Didn't die that time Because of the complications? How did she choke herself? She took her necklace And was like

Because you didn't dance with me Piece of shit How did you find out she choked herself She came out and was like I choked myself in the closet Her friend was like Brittany just choked herself in the closet I was like well I'm surprised she didn't see me in there

That's crazy That's crazy as hell I was like oh for real that's crazy That's crazy Oh damn Oh shit That's crazy as hell I was like Oh for real That's crazy That's crazy Yeah That's how you got hit Oh damn Oh word

Oh shit That's crazy To Patreon Fuck it The girl The girl that ratted The reason the homicide Detective showed up

In my house Is because of this Fucking stupid ass Alf tattoo This is something I want to know She's like She told you She's like His name's Nicky And they to know. She told us, she's like,

his name's Nicky. And they were like, how can we find him? And she's like, well, he has an ALF tattoo. And they're like, oh, no one has an ALF tattoo. The first thing my lawyer said when they picked me up, they were like, they're going to try to sneak around and ask you questions. Just don't answer anything, no matter what. And the dude, as soon as I got to

the thing, he's like, oh, you got a lot of tattoos. Anything cool? And he's like, what are your legs? I pulled up. he's like, oh, you got a lot of tattoos. Anything cool? And he's like, what are your legs? I pulled up. He's like, oh, is that an ALF tattoo? I was like, yeah, that's an ALF tattoo. No. And I was like, oh, I just did it.

Fuck it, I fucked up already. Fuck it, I wish I was watching First 48 as much as I did now. That's so funny. They pull you in immediately. Any cool tattoos? Yeah, I got this ALF tattoo here. Here's ALF. I fucked up.? Yeah, I got this elf tattoo here. There's elf. I fucked up.

And over here's Mr. Belvedere. She had giant titties and she always wanted to hook up with me and I never did. Who? The girl that ratted me out. And she ratted me out because I never hollered at her basically. So that's going to be the same. She basically choked herself. So you killed a woman and one ratted me and sent me to prison.

Ian killed a woman. No, no, no, no, no. She died 10 years later. Unrelated. Speaking of choking themselves, tell them about the... No, no, no. Why not? Because they subscribe.

Oh, never mind. Do they really? Ian killed a woman. Oh, thanks for your support You're a freak Yo I heard that you killed a woman You're creating You're creating a scandal

I'm just trying to cover up for when Aaron was calling people retards Oh yeah That's right I'll be doing that That's on. Yeah. You were. I heard. You called everyone a retard. I did. I have had a pass.

You know what? Every time you do that, I'm going to tase you. Oh, my God. Look, you piece of shit. I saw that it was on the table after it wasn't on the other one. And I was like, that motherfucker's going to bust that table out. We entered Pee Wee Herman hours. Uh-huh.

Yep. Rest in peace, by the way. Rest in Pee Wee Herman. She didn't know who he was. I know who he is, but I didn't watch him. I'm not retarded. He was foundational in my life. What?

Yeah. A lot of men, he was foundational. He scared me. Rest in peace. Both of them were. Someone said, messaged me and said You need to post about Sinead O'Connor

She was a legend And I went Sinead Died Why do you And then you Screenshotted that thing And just reposted that

I just posted that I don't know So there you go I'm not fucking Irish I don't know what the hell Is going on You are Irish I'm low-key Irish

Irish coffee Technically yeah Yo I went to an Irish Was that the Celtic Renaissance fair or something like that one time And they were like I'm not Irish my mom goes Tell me your name spelled with an E

I was like okay Aaron go bra Is it AA? Can we do part two of this podcast at a renaissance fair The four of us I got married over a broom at a renaissance fair once You know how you do that? You like jump over a broom when you're married

That's how slaves do it Is that really? I got married to a slave You ever heard that? I lost the eight ball at The last one I was at You did Okay What?

You were doing coke In a Renaissance fair? Of course How are you supposed To drink all day? How are you supposed To fit a turkey leg down? We also

I went with Went with this group of girls We hang out in Philly Shout out sister friend Sister friend Now I don't want to say Damn But Yeah they swing around but anyway we rolled with them and we we we were like we gotta dress up first time we went and we like we're like we gotta get wizard robes

so we like all went on amazon to find wizard robes right wizard and the robes the robes, right? Wizard robe. And the robes, the robes, the only robe that they had all of our sizes in was a white one. And with the hood on, it was finally Marissa that was like, yo,

we might need to recheck what we're doing right now. And I was like, wow, what are you talking about? I already ordered mine. And they were like, we got to get brown ones.

We might have to just pay extra money to get the brown ones. I was like, I'm not ordering another fucking wizard outfit. Like, I ordered one. It's here. I'm wearing it.

I already have a KKK outfit. I have a wizard outfit. When you wear the hood, you look suspect. Wizard outfit. Grand wizard outfit. It literally did kind of have a vibe when you put the hood up.

Hilarious. So you showed up to a renaissance. Why would there ever be a white one? Yeah, what wizard has ever been black? There's every color. There was red, black, brown. And white, but I thought white was like you're the most powerful looking wizard. Gandalf!

Stop, don't start that. Nah, you know, the white is the most powerful. You're the best one. It's the most powerful one. You know? It's the most pure. It's the most grand. Pure, perfect color.

What do you mean? It's the most pure. It's really exalted. He's the most exalted one. I'm meant by Gandalf. Yeah. So I think Gandalf's just great. The one with the most power Land Money Economical

Mobility I just I've never been on the white one Saruman is the white dude What? They're both white as hell But yeah The elf

You guys both Gandalf the grey And there's other wizards Right now We are bro That's the best I'm a wizard in my own way I would love to go to a renaissance fair

I'm a glizzard Honestly I wanna go as an adult for sure Dude You gotta wild out Is a renaissance fair. I'm a glizzard. I want to go as an adult for sure. Dude. You got to wild out. Is that a hot dog? I'm a glizzard, yeah.

I'll be putting glizzies away like a wizard. Put them away, bro. Put the glizzies away. I'm not talking about the Chet Hanks. Padman. Padman.

I love, we want Chet Hanks on the podcast. Oh my God. I'd suck him clean off me too me too it's like going to ask my father about to win an award

yo you know I fuck with his heavy I don't see anything wrong with it on the red carpet he's himself there's nothing wrong did you see him on that Z-Way thing where she was like

unbelievable. She was like, why do you do that? And he was like, it's the most fun thing in the world. He's so good at it. He's so fucking good at it. Chet Hanks, like say I was a Caribbean cat and I was cool and that nigga walked up to me and started doing that. I'd at least

be like, wow. they love him down there but if someone like some random white dude comes to me in like a supermarket he goes how's it going brother

I'm like who the fuck are you talking to that's crazy that's insane hosts do that on this you gotta train

to be racist they'll say brother and wish that they hadn't wait who says brother just hosts you can see them you can see them be like da da da da da brother and then they'll be like, da-da-da-da-da, brother.

And then they'll be like, but brother, not like that, but like this. But they're talking to a black guy, but there's somebody who says brother. And it actually happened like nine times. Really? Yeah. Over the weekend at the ballooning festival, someone came to me. He was with his girl. He goes, oh, he's like, what's happening, brother?

I love being around that when it happens. It's because they say it to white people. Dude, it happens. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's because they feel like they can walk in both worlds it to white people. You know what I mean? It's because they feel like they can walk in both worlds. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I hang out with my friends, I go, oh, I'm hanging with the brothers. Yeah, yeah. That's different. Hold up. I got this. I'll talk to him. What's up, brother?

What's happening, brother? Yo, we were talking about this earlier, But maybe one of the funniest things That have happened to us on the road Is meeting with these like weirdo dudes In Salt Lake City And it was for like some liquor shit We were doing And one of them walks up and goes

What's happening Patna? Literally said Patna I looked at Nikki I just turned around and walked They had like the full on Like belt buckle Like me right now They were insurrectionists There had like the full on Like belt buckle Like me right now They were insurrectionists

There's no way they weren't Yeah Yeah like they were legit about it And in Salt Lake City You know they do not like black people Yeah Mormons don't like black people Mormons

Yeah Do not need black people In their equation at all All of their homelands are white Yes There's no Yeah You can't be

You can't fuck your own children If There's black people around The black people will stop it They'll stop it They'll feel like it's not the same Fucking their kids If there's a black person seeing it

Don't watch me fuck my kid That's perverted This fucking guy rolls up And his first words Hey how you doing? I'm like I'm Nicky I'm Steve

Hey I'm Kyle I'm Steve Hey Aaron What's up partner? Dude like Obama Just being like Don't say brother

Trying to be like Yeah I'd much be friends Or was he like Asserting some sort of Racial dominance I have to try to break the ice With this man Because I'm not used to Talking to black people That's exactly what Trying to be like, yeah, let's be friends. Or was he like asserting some sort of racial dominance? No, he was like, I have to try to break the ice with this man because I'm not used to talking to black people.

Yeah, that's exactly what it was. That's exactly what that was. It was awesome. How do I be relatable to this man? That's the equivalent of being like, hello, you matter. Your life matters. Literally, I voted for Obama a second time. Can I follow you on Twitter and Instagram?

Can I support you? No, kid. Here, have some money. We should link and build. We should link. Yeah, let's link. How many reparations should I pay you?

I would like to do the work. Hey, uh, also, I wish they would come around. I want to give you a little something for your family.

Because Aaron would be like, $20 will do it. Yeah. When the BLM shit was going down, I live with a black guy and everybody was texting me being like, is he okay? He's like on the couch just like...

Dude, that was quite the phenomenon. Oh, I can't imagine. All of my friends are like, I don't give a shit about this and people keep asking if I'm okay. So funny. I'm like, text him yourself. I was like, is that why you're calling right now and i

was like no anyway what's up dude hey it was a very fine line of like oh yeah it showed a lot because it's like not for nothing this shit has been happening non-stop so it's like oh everybody now that we don't have work i guess we'll tend to this Yeah I mean the first tour That we did together It was my birthday 9-11 by the way Shout out Shout out 9-11

But yeah We went out Got blasted with Nicky On his birthday In like Detroit Right outside In like the burbs

And we were walking down the street Coming out the bar We're all you know Chummed up Like hell yeah We did it We did it Yeah yeah

And I, I like jumped up and hit the fucking, the jump shot, John, on like an umbrella. It was the umbrella. Just like walking up and like, you know,

you walk in and you run up and you just, yeah, of course. Yeah. Dunk on it real fast. I barely touched this thing. Yeah. You were excited.

Well, I was out of the bar. He goes, Hey, no, is that yours? Is that yours? I was like,

what? Do I own the stop sign? I was hella that yours i was like what do i own the stop sign i was no it's not mine like what are we doing here yeah wait was it a stop sign no it was an umbrella like it was like right at the end of the stop sign oh wow right right oh my god dude flies out of the handle and i'm like dumbfounded essentially yeah i'm already drunk which you're like is this fine did i bring this here i just couldn't believe it was happening what the fuck is up kind of thing And I'm like dumbfounded essentially. I'm already drunk. You're like, is this fine? Did I bring this here? I just couldn't believe it was happening. I'm like, what the fuck is up? And before I could even like really get anything out of my mouth,

the nicest guy in the band, Kyle, who was drumming at the time, tackles this man out of nowhere. Oh my God. They're wrestling around. Kyle's got this man pretzeled up This is the night Oh my god Yo You gotta send that to Ethan

And you gotta pop that on the screen This is about Aaron's like on the ground I'm like Heidi Miller lights in my pocket Oh my god So this guy comes out Kyle fucking twists him up I'm like as soon as he hits the ground I look at Nick and I'm like, Heidi Miller lights in my car. This guy comes out. Kyle fucking twists him up. I'm like, as soon as he hits the ground, I look at Nicky. I'm like, Kyle? What the fuck?

And then like four cop cars out of nowhere just go like. Wow. Oh, shit. Fuck that nigga birthday, bro. It's my birthday. I laid on the ground. I was like, I'm not doing it. I'm good.

Did they say everybody down and shit? They jumped out? They're honestly like, you're fine, dude. But I was like not chancing it. Someone just got smoked over there. I was like, let me lay my ass down. I was like, I ain't do shit. You know what I mean?

But nobody got in trouble, which is nice. But I was definitely like, I'm about to get smoked, dude. Detroit, a place like that, too, you know, and taking no chances. Like, where we were in the suburbs, like, that's where that shit happens. Absolutely. We were a little. If I wasn't so drunk, I would have been a lot more scared. For sure. You were like, it's my birthday.

But it was crazy. The cop was coming directly at him. Like, No matter what I was like stepping into the cop's face And be like why are you only talking to him I was like stop looking at him look at me And he would not stop looking I was like stepping into the cop's face

Getting into the cop's face Because I was like I was gone I wouldn't like Have done that that aggressively If I wasn't But I was like in his face I was like stop looking at him Look at me What the fuck is going on

He just kept directing back I will say if I was a cop And I was walking up on a scene And one guy was like don't look at him I would be like I'm gonna look at him Can I take a gander He was also just laying on his belly. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't look at him. What he's doing is humiliating. I was like, why are you still looking at him? And I'm standing here in your face. Like, I could have anything. Yeah. I had two Miller Lights. In his pants.

In his pants. They were open. So I had two open Miller Lights in his pants. And way out of the way. Spilling every time I did that. In my shoe, like everything. That's crazy. But on the flip side,

one of the coolest things that's ever happened to us on tour is being in Russia, driving down a highway, drinking vodka, which is allowed there. You can do that. And the driver wasn't drinking it, but he pulled up with like a carpet rolled up with like four bottles of vodka, like a bazooka in there there and just started giving it to us yeah so we're drinking i've maybe

smoked a little weed i don't know i'm supposed to say that and uh we get pulled out of an episode talking about stabbing someone to come get my ass and doing crack and doing crack is true uh but no no they pull us all out of the car, like, right by the Kremlin. And I'm like, oh, I'm definitely fucked. I'm going to the gulag right now. No shit. Yeah, I'm going to the gulag. They pull us out.

I got my hands up immediately. You know what I'm saying? Me and Nicky both were like, yo, we already know. Yeah, but they don't shoot. They don't do what America does. He literally goes, put your hands down. I'm not an American cop. Like, I'm not going to.

Oh, shit. And I was like, am I being punked or something? Yeah. He just gives you a hug. Yeah, yeah. And they listen to the band. Where's the drug? No way.

Yeah, they like, you know, a couple went over there just to double check. And they were like listening to the phone. They're like, yo, the band is good. You know, like they liked it. Whoa. And the guy was like, well, I have to like frisk you at least. So I'm like, okay. He's like, frisk me. He feels something in my pocket. He's like, what's this? And I was like, honestly, I have to like frisk you at least. So I'm like, okay. He's like, Frisky, can you feel something in my pocket?

He's like, what's this? And I was like, honestly, I don't know. You have to check. Can I check? He's like a half-eaten falafel. Oh, shit. He pulled it out. He's like, what the fuck?

I don't know. Is it crossfading Russia? Oh, crossfading Russia. I don't know what the fuck is going on. You know what I mean? That's so funny This is basically why Aaron's pro-Russia in the war No

That's why he has down with Ukraine In his Instagram profile No no no I fuck with the Ukrainian cats Dude I got arrested one time And this was like maybe 2012 or something. I forget, but I'm in the back of the cop car. I'm handcuffed.

They're like, Delaware license plate. Why are you in New York? And I go, well, I'm, you know, I'm trying to be a stand-up comic. And they were like, well, can we see some of it? I go, yeah, sure. And I made them pull up my YouTube. They watch it.

None of them laughed. They were like, do you have another job? And I was like, I have a job interview tomorrow. And they're like, well, I hope you get it. I was like, oh, fuck. This sucks. Yeah, it's pretty cool. And then I got arrested again years later.

Let me get a little bit of that. And I was a lot better at comedy. And they had me roast all the fucking cops in the car. What? It was awesome. Yeah, I thought it was going to get me out, but they still locked me up. They said that?

They said, roast this guy? Roast this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, they were like, doesn't Martinez, look at his forehead. Doesn't he have a five head? I go, that motherfucker's got a five times five head. And they're like, oh, Martinez!

Go to jail, buddy. And they're like, oh, my penis! Go to jail, buddy! And you're like, which is 800? And they lock him up immediately. And they were like, do you know Artie Lang? I was like, yeah. If I call him and put him on speakerphone, can I get out of jail? They're like, no, but you can still call him. No, it was Hoppin' at Turnstile.

Oh, come on. I know. But I didn't know it at the time because I used to work for the department to add my fingerprints were on file, but I didn't re-up my certification. So my fingerprints were sealed. So when they ran my ID, they were like, your fingerprints are sealed. We don't know what it is. I'm like, I have not gotten in trouble. Like, I paid off everything. I was in jail years

ago, but that got cleared. Like, no, we have to lock you up. I'm sorry. And then the next day, a lawyer saw me and was like, did you ever work for the Department of Ed? I was like, yeah. And he's like, I'll get you out right now. And then I got a letter in the mail that's like, you can sue the city for wrongful imprisonment, blah, blah. I didn't do it because I would

have felt like a fucking, like, I would have had to be like, I was emotionally just dirt. You're crazy as hell. I've been crying my eyes out. Give me some money. I wanted to sue the cops when my truck got towed. Like in a snowstorm.

I parked my truck in front of a driveway, but it was a snowstorm, so I couldn't see. And then they took my truck away. And I was a contractor at the time, and I had all my tools in the of a driveway, but it was a snowstorm, so I couldn't see. And then they took my truck away. And I was a contractor at the time, and I had all my tools in the back. And they didn't send in the ticket. So basically, they towed my truck, but there was no record of where it was.

And it was just two weeks of me trying to buy new tools, get a new truck to be able to keep jobs going. It was crazy. Dude, do you know what those motherfuckers used to do? They used to take bicycles, break the locks, and impound them to prevent bicycle theft. And then you would have to go pay to get it out. Is that fucked up?

That doesn't make sense. Can I have a liquid death? In the fucking Times Square world that we were living in years ago, it happened all uptown. It was fucking nuts. My bike got locked up. It's called a scam, Bubba. Yeah, I got fucking scammed.

You know what they're doing in the Bronx? This is hilarious. They're stealing people's... What kind is that? Cranberries or something? Melon? Melon. Melon?

Yeah. Hook me up! The Nikki special. Yo, you know what they're doing in the Bronx? They're taking people's rearview mirrors. Guys are stealing rearview mirrors, selling them to an auto parts shop. And it's the only shop that you can go in to get your mirror replaced. Oh, I heard about this.

Oh, what is that? Stop. I knew you were going to do it. Oh, close. You fucking suck. You suck. You do that to everybody Every time And you never get it done

To yourself Alright Okay alright God Do you want to do me? Do you want to tase me? No I don't want to do you But I want you to know

The fear of it I heard tasers are just like Poppers kinda That shit scares me I don't I honestly did I heard that No

Tasers It truly is like a jolt of coffee Do you have any poppers here? No I would do poppers Really? Yeah I love poppers

You can't Really? I keep like It's on a rider I have a 12 pack of poppers On a rider No you do not Yes I do

What? Why? I'll pull it up My rider is Cigarettes in the green room And water It's fucking awesome And iced coffee

Why do you put poppers on there? You And iced coffee You just sit and do poppers That's it you're not fucking anyone You're not doing anything No it's really fun It's like this And then you're back It doesn't really have anything to do with the butt For me it's like

It feels like 16 year old Yours is pleasure mine is business It's just like getting Yeah pretty much yeah fucking odd what is your rider smoking the green room

and iced coffee what about how what's a what's a comedian rider look like mine's fruit and sugar free Red Bull

just fruit and sugar free Red Bull yeah but I just got a rider our rider was like shady for a while but I I just was able to add liquor to the rider After years and years

Wow Which is nice What your little Basil Jesus piece is big I wish Yeah Jesus piece fucking rips We're getting there

Thank you I'm surprised you just got able to I feel like you guys are getting really big I feel like they put that in there I got a bunch of straight edge cats in my band I want a rider where I say you need to remove the candy. Because right now... They put candy in there.

Dude, so much. She saw me stuff my backpack full of candy. No, no, no, no. Not if it's every fucking weekend until you're sick. I double dog bet you that I will love it. You drink candy. I really do. I love candy.

Dude, I used to do a thing where I'd lay in my hotel room, dump out bags of candy, eat it until I pass out, and somehow I'd wake up with a shirt, no pants, and candy stuck to my body. That's what I do. Last night, I ate like seven Reese's Mini-Cos before I went to sleep. I can't stop. How are you so skinny?

It's gross, and I don't know. I told you, it goes right to his abs. He's like- Why? No, it's just going to catch up to you. One of your feet's going to fall off. No. Bye-bye, foot. You's gone by now, I promise.

How old are you? I'm 31. Yeah, you got time. Really? What do your parents look like? Well, my dad. How old is Bodega Cat? 41.

You're 41? You guys both look great. Thanks. Thanks. He's 31. He's so good. That's fun. Well living.

Good living? Well living? Well living. Well living. Good living. Well living? Well living. Well living. Well living. I'm living in a well. That's how I feel. That's how I feel.

I mean, like, I appreciate the compliments, but well living. Everything else hurts. Yeah, Jesus' piece is blowing up, dude. It's getting there. Yeah. And I'm very happy. The mud vein of hardcore. Mud vein, nigga. up dude it's getting there yeah i'm very happy the mud vein of hardcore what i'm kidding we ran into a guy the other day he was like love the podcast and we're like he was wearing a jesus piece shirt yeah just some guys was like hey and jordan love your podcast

and we're like well we love that band you're in. It's great. Thanks, guys. Yeah, dude. Y'all coming to the gig when we played? Yes. When are you playing? Oh, well, when we did play at the Brooklyn Seal gig with the fire. Well, it sucks. We have a hard time going to shows because we're always on the road. Always working.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's like the same night time. If we ever cross out on the road, we got to kick it. Yes. I would love this. Abso-fucking-lutely. Or honestly, just come open the show or something. Are you guys on the road most weekends? no honestly i've been chilling a little bit

like uh with the baby and stuff you know yeah try and split my time yeah i got a three-year-old a fucking ham this guy really his baby is literally the cutest the cutest child and I like I don't give a shit about kids oh my god he's a beautiful guy my jeans are are fucking incredible wow

yeah they're really nice so oh okay so you're so does the band tour without you

because you're with the kid or do they no no you're just staying mainly around here yeah like I mean I go out on tour and stuff but for recently like i've tried to like all right go out for like a month and some change and chill for a while as opposed to being out for nine to ten months a year like i used to yeah i mean hey what's up everybody it's your old pal ian here i am in a hotel room in Addison,

Dallas, Texas, doing the Addison Improv all weekend long. But it is like 3 a.m. and I got to be up at 6 a.m. radio and I went and saw Gang Called Speed and fucking Life's Question and I brushed my balls off

and it was amazing. The cool thing about being in Texas is that there's a lot of people that speak Spanish. ¿Cómo se dice speak Spanish better? I bet I can tell you how. Babble. That's right. Yeah. Science says that our ability to learn new languages peaks as children. Fortunately, we can't go back to being a kid again.

And if we could, we would have stopped a lot of different things from happening so that you wouldn't be an alcoholic for over a decade. Babbel's 10-minute lessons are quick, fun, and proven to work. Studies show that using Babbel for 15 hours is just as good as taking a full semester of college language

course. So if you meet anyone that's like, oh, I'm studying Spanish at Emerson. You fucking moron. Whereas you'd say in Spanish, idiota. I like Spanish. Now I'm learning it.

Yep. You know what I say to animals? I go, tu es mi muñeca. You're my little doll. Manzana. Apple. Sign up today and start learning Dutch, Polish, German, and more. With over 10 million subscribtion...

What is it? Subscriptiones. Babbel is real language learning for real conversation. There's a special limited time deal for you, our listeners. Okay? Get you started right now. Get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. You got to listen.

Get the subscription stuff off. Babbel.com slash ska. B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash ska. S-K-A. Get 55% off at Babbel.com slash ska. B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash ska. Rules and restrictions may apply, but do yourself a favor. Learn another language, and then we can talk about the language on the Patreon. We'll talk to each other in Spanish or Dutch. You tell me what you're learning. I'll learn it. And then we can have a discussion.

Guess what? I'm going to talk to you about your balls or your labes. Here's the thing about Manscaped. I love Manscaped. You're great. Thank you. Awesome. Use Manscaped.

Get 20% off and free shipping with the code scottmanscaped.com. Here's the thing. Why does it got to be Manscaped. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code SCOTTMANSCAPED.COM. Here's the thing. Why does it got to be Manscaped? Why can't it be Ravidscape? Huh? You can shave your balls with Manscaped, but how about the leaves? How about the lips? How about the vulva?

How about the vagina? How about the old box? You're thinking of skipping this app because you've already had a gross trimmer you've used since college. Just listen. We're talking about your balls here. Or your lady balls. You can't just use whatever has been

rusting away in the shower for years. It's disgusting. It's time to grow up and shave with Manscaped. Platinum Package 4.0 is everything you need to get bruman not the way that that boobies on the freedom's about comes with the lawnmower the weed wacker 2.0 crop reviver ultra premium line of... Look. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I got a little ball here.

I got a lot of stuff down there. And Manscaped helps. Trim, trim. So I can go swim, swim. You know, girls. Damn, damn. Get 20% off from free shipping with the code SKA, S-K-A, at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com.

Slash. No. Use code SKA. Use the platinum package. As a gold standard, no longer good enough. Hey, it's your old pal Ian here back with another hypocritical ad for my bookie. I know, I know, I'm addicted to everything and this and that, whatever. You know what else I'm addicted to? Making that paper cheddar bread. Oh, wee! Yeah,

so that's why you gotta sign up for my book. Because we all got vices. Just give into it. Huh? Give into it. Don't let it kill you. Don't let it rule your life. Gamble. It's fun.

I bet you you won't. I bet you you won't. No, I bet you you will. No, no, no. If you say you won't, then you'll get money because you will. And I'll get... Use my bookie for gambling. And give us...

The promo code kicks to us. It helps, okay? You're degenerate. You're watching the show. You're rappering. You got something wrong in your head. And God bless you because we all do, but one thing you would have oh my god if you were listening to the podcast and gambling at the same time what more would you want brian get your dicks out where you smoke a

cigarette and hear that your parents are proud so my bookie casinoino provides a Las Vegas experience when the action is in your hands. And the best part is, don't even need to wear pants. Sorry, blacked out. Use the MyBookie Casino promo code Scott. It's promo code Scott to secure yourself a sweet deposit bonus. You get a little scratch. You bet it. You'll make more scratch than we get scratch.

I scratch you. You scratch me. Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with my bookie. Okay? It's, you know what it is. You're going to get money. Okay?

I like money. Money, money, money, money. This is money. Money, money, money, money. No, this is E. Money, money, money, money. That's money. I have friends who use it. They dig it. I use it. I dig it. It's fun.

Win, win, win. Win big. Win big. Win big. Win your wife back. Head over to myie using the link in the comments, in the description. MyBookie.com promo code Scott. That's all you gotta do. Score a deposit

bonus. Don't wait. Start winning big today. That's right. Yep. Just reading the rest of the copy. Oh, I got to tell you, I am only expressing my own thoughts and opinions. I almost took a gamble there. Not saying that. Enjoy the rest of the show.

Do you guys go out like we go out on weekends and then we come back if you go out for a month are you like in a van for a month yeah really like we'll get like hotel yeah but yeah 18 passenger van just hit the fucking road 18 yeah you guys fucking banging that's what i was trying to say like when you were talking about flights i wasn't going to step to you because i believe you but like when we do like a month tour it's all vans six no six months uh six week tour in like asia we rack up like like literally like 18 flights in like six weeks yeah we power so much that yeah it's bananas we just came back from south america for for five shows and we had 12 flights in jesus christ but when you drive like you do a u.s store

you're banging town town town town and like rallying right trying to do the circuit yeah yeah north up through like you know you do new york boston all that hit like toronto montreal and then cut back down to detroit and all that shit or like you try to come back in and do like Ohio and wrap back around. Dude, we get fucked sometimes where it's like California, fucking Kentucky, Seattle, Florida. New York, Detroit, New York. And then it's like my mind is fucked

from all the time zone changes and everything. It's like, I don't know what's better, that or just banging it all out six weeks at once. That's how Europe is for us a lot of times. Oh, yeah. We have these, like, I'm not going to do it again. We have these idiotic.

Good job. We have these idiotic European tour manager or booking agents, and they don't care about your routing. They don't care about your driving. They're, like, not as considerate as considerate as your U.S. agent would be where it would be like, okay, we're going to try to line this whole tour up so it makes sense as you're driving.

They'll just be like, go this way, go this way. So it kind of gets that way. It's annoying that we have... Anytime I've been like, i want to do a tour away they're like then that means we have to get somebody to book it that is not here and i'm like why why can't my u.s agents book that a uk tour why is that i just got hit up about the netherlands and europe we should oh i can't wait to go go there and everyone is a fucking idiot. Yeah. Sorry.

Who's the idiot? I really want to know. They're just like fucking stupid. It's like this. I mean everywhere in Europe pretty much. Germany is the worst. Germans are the worst people on earth. What are they like? Dude, you know what it's like when we play for tourists? The average German is just a fucking idiot.

They suck. They have no sense of humor. Everything's literal. Only their sense of humor. Which is like a dry shot at you. What does it feel like being a musician playing for them? Because we have direct feedback where we're like, joke doesn't land.

You get it right then. They'll roll up to your merch table And be like It's like a common thing It's starting to get publicized now Which is cool Like hard lure guys are talking about it And everyone's starting to talk about how rude Germans are

When you play there First off, when you go to Europe as a band Like me and his size You don't make any money You barely get home with your shirt on I'm sure So when you go there, but on top of all that,

Germans have this very weird thing where they... It's not all Germans, obviously. It wasn't all Germans in the other thing either, but we know it's just Germans. Wait, what was that? Not all Germans.

Not all Germans. Now that we're making jokes... Wait, what was that? Not all Germans. Not all Germans. We know what happened. Now that we're making jokes, I'm going to tase myself. I want to know what he's saying. I want to know what he's saying. There's this thing that all bands talk about, but I feel like

I was one of the first vocal about it. Patrick from Drug Church was telling me about this. He's way behind me in all aspects. I mean, I Church was telling me about this. He's way behind me in all aspects. I mean, I heard all great things about him. I'm just saying I was one of the first ones to really always say what the fuck I was. Isn't there a phrase about him? Okay, what do they do?

Stop talking for a few seconds. So basically, they'll roll up to the gym. The first time I played Germany was with Horror Show. And a guy came up to the table and was like i heard that you killed a man and i was like this isn't bad this isn't bad but you'll understand and i was like yeah i killed a man which isn't true but i was like yeah i killed a man he's like can i see an m and i was like okay an m means a medium medium yeah so i pull out an M and give it to him. And he's like, I'll take an L. So the normal German thing

that happens from that point forward, they'll be like, I'm so glad that you came to Berlin tonight. The record is beautiful and great. The live, not so much.

Oh! Yeah, it was the record is beautiful and great. The live, not so much. Oh! And that's what they'll say to you. Or, yeah, it was great to see you tonight, but maybe next time, less drinking. No! Like shit like this. And you're just like, yo, suck my fucking dick, dude.

What is it? So it's a known thing? Yeah, I've definitely chosen this. Between all bands. We get this, right? You had a great show. That audience sucked, but you did great. And I'm like, I've definitely chosen this. Between all bands at the Universal. You had a great show. That audience sucks,

but you did great. And I'm like, I didn't think they were bad. Tough crowd. And you're like, well, I thought it was good. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Wait, isn't there a phrase for that though? Like a European Punisher or something. What do they call it? Is there? I don't know that one. I do know that.

I never want to hear a song come to me and go, hmm, last record. Loved it. This record. I do know that I never want to hear a song come to me and go Last record Loved it This record Not so good What the fuck are you to fucking say I wonder what cultural thing makes that okay

They just don't get punched in the face at all They haven't really had a great culture to begin with They did a lot of not okay We did a couple things that were kind of questionable Like what? What'd they do? It did a couple things that were kind of questionable. Like what? What'd they do? It's a little bit of, it's a gray area. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a little bit of a time. My whole thing is like, you guys do not have to have an opinion for at least 100 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still have 20 more years before you should say shit to anybody about anything. Yeah. Just shut the fuck up. Enjoy the fact that people are coming to fucking see you. I'm probably shooting myself in the dick right now for playing Jeremy.

But they're definitely not subscribing to this Patreon. It's okay. You're a wizard. They need to shut the fuck up for 100 years, and that's all I say. Yeah. Jeremy. Yeah, that's crazy. That's the worst shit. I mean, I've done so many gigs where they're like,

yeah, I... What's another one? Oh, yeah. I've heard a lot of those jokes, but I loved hearing them again. And I'm like, yeah, okay. It's like their whole thing. I don't get it. Yeah. Dude, you know what sucks? And I learned this.

Sometimes I'll sell my own merch, but when I'm on my own and headlining, I'll have someone else do it because there's nothing worse than selling your own merch and having someone be like, oh my God, that was great. And you're like, thanks. You want to get a shirt? And they're like, wasn't that great? You're like, oh! Or they're like, I, uh, uh, and I're like, thanks, you want to get a shirt? And they're like, wasn't that great? Or they're like, I, uh, uh, and I'm like, I suck.

What Etel does is really cool, where he stands by yours and you stand by his. That's a good idea. Yeah, Etel takes care of me. And on stage, he'll be like, he'll introduce our merch and then he'll be like, well, I like your merch. I'm buying it and everyone's going to get it as well. And then he'll give that out.

When we do a thing together, what we'll do is we'll do a collaborative piece. And then that way we fuck everybody over. Yeah, hell yeah. Oh, I just got your collaborative piece. With Noah? With Tara and I hear the knife. I have that OG shirt too floating around somewhere.

Really? Nice. Yeah, I don't know when it's coming, but that's cool you guys did that Yeah man Yo Maddie She's always rode for us Super hard

You know what I mean Her and Brandon Get well Yeah really And not for nothing Jesus Pieces like First show was played With Year of the Knife

No shit You know what I mean Like we came up at Literally the exact same time Oh wow You know what I mean So it was always awesome Seeing them grow

Alongside us You know our second time in europe ever we took them with us too no shit we're like we just gotta get some more homies over yeah delaware absolutely dog yeah that's great year of the knife was at the same time as you yeah what was terror uh terror but you did a collaborative thing with year the knife and terror yeah it was a tour with knock loose terror uh us and then year of the knife it was like this super stacked lineup almost all the shows sold out it was it was probably one of the coolest not loose is like huge right now right yeah it's wild coach when did they get huge i mean it happened over

that span of a couple years and then quarantine hit and all the kids were like let me look into this new music where honestly they found jay's piece around the same time yeah like a lot of these metalcore bands started fucking the numbers started shooting up because these kids didn't know where to find this music you were sitting around wasting your time with nothing yeah i was over again fucking piss drunk with these dudes yeah but no i think it's awesome to to be walking in both worlds like that because for a second i was not that stoked on music for you know we were beating the brick so hard yeah oh really and before the pandemic pre-pandemic with jesus peace yeah like we're just doing all these fucking tours and not really getting much love from other like bigger peer

bands wanting to take us out so we just had to be like fuck it we're just gonna go and take our homies with us and we'll highlight our own shit and i did that for so long that i just was burnt the fuck out because you were the leader like you were the big band with the there was no moment where you get to like be in somebody's wake and just go with it kind of right it was just more so like depending on ourselves to pull everything together which isn't a bad thing necessarily but it would fucking be dope a lot nice support to her you know especially as a young band but we were so polarizing at the time it was like such metalcore-ish yeah but operating in a hardcore world uh but i was so burnt out and then nikki offered me to play bass and i was like fuck it

i love that band i love nothing and i i like playing bass i barely do it but i love doing it and and that happened and i was stoked about it and now you're back and forth now no when i have my baby two bands is a little crazy yeah so yeah i left it to nikki yeah it's a revolving door with that yeah the position for the our band yeah usually i get some steezy motherfucker to step in Until they get knocked out Everyone has their pros and cons I feel like

But it was real nice always It was like my little brother We're like family Our moms Our moms are friends No shit It's different for sure It's a thing no shit it's all philly cats like getting together yeah it's really it's different for sure like yeah it's a it's a thing and it'll it'll happen again i'm sure

incendiary was like that where they were like yeah we were pushing for so long so hard and we weren't making any money so we had to get like we all had day jobs and now it's picking up steam but they're like balls deep in marriage day job you know what i mean so they're like so now what festivals and shit yeah yeah big boys but i don't know i just figured like now i have my baby and shit and like you know it's it's it's it feels attainable to like make this something that i can pay the bills you know yeah i feel like if i just give it the time and love that it needs it'll be there And that's kind of Where we're at now In our career path

And Yeah your kid will be A little A little earplug baby On stage Yeah Let's flip the questions Back on you guys

I was curious I was curious Who If you If you could Say who's your Who's your biggest Inspiration as a comedian

Both of you One at a time We open for our Biggest inspiration Is that it? Telling Louis C.K. That's what I was kind of wondering I mean that's good answers

It's really weird I tell I learned about later and now love but he was your inspiration right? I mean I used to when I was working construction in Delaware I used to put his album on Hedberg, Carlin and steve martin mitch is my favorite all the time i i like ran my whole nothing stick for the longest time was

just ripping off mitch like like all my banner in between songs was literally just a rip off of fucking mitch i like ran with it so hard because when i was drunk it like came to me naturally i don't know what happened when i would be on stage and i just started talking it like i just felt like i was him on stage a lot of the time yeah yeah it's weird how if you watch somebody i mean luckily i'm a woman but you saw so many comics getting on stage and just doing kind of a bit of a louie thing yeah and talking a little like this and then saying yeah and i did i emulated him so i would watch him and then go yeah because i'm a girl so it's fine but yeah totally if you spend enough time watching somebody it totally rubs off on you yeah i was like hanging sheetrock in delaware and we'd all listen to a

tell on those guys and it's insane to be like where your friends are like timmy butterly and yeah yeah guys like they're all like're all from the neighborhood up for me I did my first open mic ever with Butterly at Helium and then we got asked to It's a good family They're the best dude from top to bottom man their dad's great

Jackie, Paul That's so cool Paul's in Freight Train now Paul's such a good guitar He should be. He should be like Eric Clapton. I'm just I was saying I'm just glad he's performing because he's so good and everything he's done is great. And he's ripped. Yes.

I get over now, which is fucking awesome. Good. Yeah. Dude, he was like running a bar year. That gig we did in Philly. Remember when we went down drove the truck brewery yeah and i was wearing a blacklisted shirt and paul was like i i think he like helped with the he was working for kensinger for a while yes yeah i mean i used to run into him because i

was working the bars and stuff like he's one of he's probably top play for pound like one of the best guitarists i ever grew up whatever the brewer the brewery was. He's so fucking talented. I went back there and they never paid me. Really? What? Like once I featured for you and then I came back to do my own and they never paid me. He was like we're going to have to pay you at a different time. What bar?

No it was like a comic put the show on in the book. No Che. Yeah. Throw up. Put it up. Now, sometimes I get acid reflux.

You're old and you might have a Tums in my bag. What's up? Oh, actually, can you please shock me? Because I was joking when I said the mud

vein of hardcore and it looked like it upset you. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm going to use you.

Yeah, nigga. I'm sorry. My apologies. It feels crazy when you have me. It feels like a flashback of my mom yelling at me from upstairs. Shut the fuck up. I had to tap into something for that one. Dude, tase yourself.

See how it feels. Just give a quick boop. Oh! I don't like that shit, bro. No. I don't like that shit at all. That's my first time. That turd is Spanish.

You're like, hey, mama. Adios, mio. You looked at your own leg Like you didn't tase it You're like Why would my leg Do that to me That's what I think I have to look at the pain

When I get tattooed I just look at that shit Hard as hell I'm like This panty is so good Oh thank you It's so nice I just got it

It's a chrysanthemum Did you really It's so beautiful Really good shape It's so fucking Yeah It looks like Chrysanthemum. Did you really? It's so beautiful. Really good shape. It's a fucking dick. Chrysanthemum. C-H-R-Y-S-T-H-A-M-U-M? I don't know.

I can't. I had the hardest time trying to spell it. My leg hurts. I hit that shit hard. You guys can't spell. We can't do math. We are fucking... Jesus! Alright, man. Okay. Spare me, man. I thought you turned me to ops. Your leg ran away from you.

Your leg ran up the stairs. Unless you want me to rip off all my clothes and just have a brother I didn't want to say this in another one But this is a Patreon But I have been the naked guy at a couple different places And I used to have this thing where I would just get butt naked While I was playing I used to get naked at parties My friends would turn the lights off

And go I think this place is haunted They'd turn the lights on and go Woooo And just run around naked Everyone used to get naked and go, I think this place is haunted. They turn the lights on and go, woo! That's awesome. That's good. Everyone used to get naked. Yeah.

I used to get the man giant. It was like my signature move. Do you know? Yeah, that's his scope. Tuck it. Yeah. Do you know about the naked mosh guy? No.

No, no, not Bushy. Bushy's OG naked mosh guy, but Tosh.0 got a hold of this dude, mosh naked mosh guy. I was supposed to be that naked mosh guy that night. And I said, look, I was the naked guy twice now and I'm not fucking doing it for a third time.

It's just not happening. And my friend Dutchie was like, I'll do it. And he did it. And there's this video of him moshing on everyone hard as fuck, like whipping everybody's ass. Where at? In like Willow Grove at a VFW. Uh-huh.

And he got butt ass naked. He's whipping everyone's ass during this band. And it was the one time I didn't do it that the whole world picked this video up. It was on the news. It was on Tosh.0. All this shit, dude. And I, the one time. Did they interview him? I don't know if he brought him on the news. It was on Tosh.0. All this shit, dude. And I, the one time. Did they interview him?

I don't know if he brought him on the show, but dude, it was hilarious. I mean, literal news stations. I mean, the lesson there is always get naked. No, that's good that you weren't. The video is incredible. I'm glad to. Yeah, that's good. I mean, there's one video of me being naked singing in like a North Philly basement, but

that can stay in the fridges. Yeah, I'm sure the VFW is cold. No, i'm not worried about that even when it's cold the nigga is swinging dude there's a video of you i think it like the beginning of a show where you're like what's up bitches and then you just destroy everyone and the look you had in that video is exactly what i saw when you're about to tase me I was terrified I mean I don't wanna I don't wanna be like

When you dropkick Corey on stage That was a good one You should check that out Yeah yeah yeah That's a good one Oh well Corey The night before This was right before the tour with us too

So I was doing a back to back tour in Japan Like I was there with Jesus Peace Played a couple shows You had no idea what you were about to get into absolutely not and then two days down and then asia tour which nothing and they met me in japan to do it and i brought my friend cory with me uh he sings in that band move i don't know if you ever listened to them boston cat but he's a psycho he lives here now Younger than me But he's a Like brick shit Has protein farts Yeah like

He's a A very strong young man And Corey has this thing Where he moshes So hard And like I'm the same way

Like me and my friends We would play no friends Like we We didn't know each other When the band was playing We'd blast each other in the face Like who gives a fuck You know what I mean

And Corey's one of those people Yeah face Head Whatever We'd beat him up good time uh and cory you graduating straight to the bottle cory is one of those people where he hits me and it hurts because this is weird you chug and boost that's weird okay cory uh i brought him to japan with us i'm like yo i don't know if you'll ever go to japan but if i have the power to bring like another like young black dude with me let's go to japan let's kick it and uh during that we're moshing and beating each other up the whole time in japan they're very confused about what's going on and uh and nagoya specifically he jumped on stage for this part and started singing it with me.

And I was like, ah! I put the mic into my lips like that. You know what I mean? I fell on the ground and sold it. And he stood on top of me in Nagoya and he was choking me by my neck like this. Wow.

I was like, yo, you busted my lip. I'm going to get you back. I will get you back for this. I'm gonna get you back I will get you back for this I'm not gonna tell you when But I'm gonna fucking get you back And he was just like yeah whatever Fuck you pussy blah blah blah I'm like I'm going to get you back

And all day we're walking through Harajuku Chilling in Tokyo and I'm like Like one of them shits you know what I mean He's just like flitching And finally Blood Axe Festival comes around And it's this huge festival that happens in Kawasaki Japan And Corey's ass

Comes up for the same part to sing And I just slipped his grasp And straight up jumped up in the air Two foot drop kick this motherfucker straight off the stage Woah He did like the one where He jumped up in the air with both feet Kicked him and fell straight to the stage whoa he did he did like the one where he jumped up in the air

with both feet kicked him and fell straight to the ground but he sent him into like oh my god wait am I insane were you wearing

a flyers jersey I was wearing a flyers jersey yes the war jersey baby yup that's how you know I'm there for damage

if I wear that shit I'm doing something out of control yeah that was fucking nuts into the crowd yeah man he did it at the nothing show later on when we played damage if i wear that shit i'm doing something out of control yeah that was fucking nuts yeah into the crowd yeah man he did it at the nothing show later on when we played a headlining show i kicked some dude in the chair yeah and some guy came up on stage with mosh and the whole time and

aaron ran over and just picked him and he kind of got like some of the same yeah it kind of like he's that's been your thing. Yeah, even before I was doing Jesus Beats and I was doing like little metalcore bands in Philly, I'd just be swinging on fools. Like, I don't know why. I've always just like, me singing in bands and stuff, it wasn't necessarily like I want to sing in bands

because I'm crazy. It was like, I need to do something with this energy because I'm going to hurt somebody if I don't do something else other than fighting. So I would always sing and I would try to make it the most violent or uncomfortable situation just anywhere

near us because I wanted that energy. Tell them about the Corey the best part of this story. Corey, are we done? Tell us this and then we'll wrap up. Okay, wrap up. How much time have we been doing? Oh, we are.

They set my spots at 8.15. We'll close this with this story about... So, after the Jesus Beats tour is over, the kick happens. I meet up with nothing and I'm like, Corey, you gotta come to the show. You know what I mean? Like, we're playing in shibuya over nest it's gonna be lit like fucking beat cafes right across the street shout out katawan um come to the gig he does not come

to the gig but uh instead we play the gig walking down the street and like these three irish dudes busted out of the window of this bar and we like, no, come fucking drink with us. It was like it was like it was 1 a.m. We had already been drinking all night. Right. And we were like, we're about to get to the it was for us. He had been there, but we just pulled up and it was our night one in Japan. And we're like, I'm like ready to get down.

I'm like, Tokyo is my shit. I'm like, I'm ready to drink, eat. All sleep in a bush. No one messes with you. Fuck I am. I don't care. So like we're like, we're drinking all night after that and we like we were heading back to the hotel and he said like somebody like

popped out. We sang the Cranberries like seven times. I have these videos in my folder. Insane. It was the Cranberries like seven times. I have these videos in my phone. They're insane. It was like us, maybe like three or this group of like three or four like weird model type people like one of their birthdays and then like three girls that were also there

and then these three random Irish white dudes and we just made this karaoke bar stay open until like 8 a.m. The dude was like trying to close when we pulled up. He was just like so like scared. Scared. He was like, we were like

no, you're going to stay open. And he was just like okay. After the seventh time we're hearing zombies. We're getting up again. The cranberries. Zombies. He's like, I want to go home. Please help. Please. This is all real life. We get out of there.

And, you know. On the way out. On the way out. Somebody, not anybody that I know, stole a bottle of whiskey on the way out. And drank that whiskey. And me and him drank the whiskey uh all throughout the streets and met up with cory in the morning who's also a straight edge young man and he had to deal with the two of us drunk essentially for like three days like this like oh my god not regular drinking like

like like problem yeah yeah yeah yeah near death me and him were like, like I was like, and the only way I would get off is like drinking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were like bad, like not looking great. We go to a Don Quixote, which is like this huge store,

and we're like looking around like the sex toys in there, like Mad Tanga eggs and like weird shit, like Julia Real Hole and like this weird shit. Yeah. What? Julia's fake Real Hole julia's fake call about his real it's like it'll be like an actual model let's be like this is her pussy like and then like there's all this other shit

and uh japanese real julia hole real japanese Real Japanese Oh my god This is like 9am now It's 9am, 10am His eyes are already Oh my god That is Adam Sandler This is like typical

How I am on tour Straight up cross eyed Oh my god That looks like Adam Sandler in the 9-11 movie. Yeah. I'm going to show you another real thing. But we lose this man and we're like panicking. We're like, yo, Nicky's gone.

He's like fucking inko here. Like, this is bad, dude. And I'm freaking out because I'm drunk and he's sober. And Corey's sober. So he's like, okay, we really need to find this guy. We comb six floors of this Don Quixote trying to find Nicky. We can't find him. So we're like, we got to get the fuck out. Like, he's got, okay, we really need to find this man. We combed six floors of this Don Quixote trying to find Nicky. We can't find him. So we're like, we got to get the fuck out.

Like, he's got to be somewhere. We're walking down the street. That's so funny. We find this man sitting down like a homeless man with a watermelon helmet on and sunglasses. Yeah, I stole his watermelon helmet and a pair of fake Oakleys. My God. Oh, my God. The tag is in front of your face. You are so God. You are so happy.

You are so happy to see your friends. You're like, I'm like, dude, I'm like, yo, you got to take the tags off in the video. He goes,

if I take the tags off, I look guilty. Tell me I'm not wrong. Tell me I'm not wrong. You have so many shopping bags around you too. You got so much stuff. Why do I have to take the, listen to him say it.

He's like, I'm not right. I mean, I'm not right. He's like, yeah, can we put that video in the thing?

to see your friends. Who's that guy? That's Corey. Is that Corey? Corey just keeps walking up and being like, uh. He's like,

dude, what are you doing? He's like, I'm not wrong. Dude, the fucked up part is, now, I wouldn't share this with a lot of people

So since we're in such Closed space I'll tell you I walked out of the place With the helmet and the glasses on But I kind of walked out like my legs Weren't working Yeah Yeah everyone's so nice here

And I did like the usual suspects I was like walking up the street I was walking up the street and then I was just like. And started walking. Oh. And I was out. I was out. You did verbal.

You Kaiser Sosa-ed yourself out. I Kaiser Sosa-ed to Tony's door. And then you did become the person. I threw both of them away. I don't know. We didn't. I think. Yeah, but then you reverted back into that guy by slumping on the street we're at mustard hotel or something like that it's called mustard hotel and uh we went

we went to sleep and then the next day went to some insane like lake and wait wait wait that's the lake no wait one last thing we woke up i woke up and i was i was freezing cold i was freezing cold and i was like what the fuck is going on and i was like i was soaking wet and i was like oh my god it's like i fucking pissed myself which made sense how long i drank i was like i probably pissed myself then i like pulled the blanket off it was soaked and i like peeled it off my underwear were wet still and i was like what the fuck i was like if i pissed myself my underwear would be wet so then I pulled my dick out in my sleep. Like, it doesn't make sense.

Yeah, yeah. The blanket was over me. And then it was a bunk room. And our drummer, Kyle Kimball. No, no, no. Rest in peace. No, no. Who loves pissing on in closets and stuff.

I was like, yo. No. Did you? Did you? What? I was like, and then I got up and I was like, I I was like, did you I was like, and then I got up And I was like, I have to pee Super bad, my stomach hurt How bad I had to pee

And I took one of my Austin Power Bees They're like three minutes I was like, shh Like forever He peed And I was like, no He peed your bed He peed And I was like This fool got up He peed your bed

Yeah he came down Off his bum He peed his body And peed on me And this is like He like has this thing Where he does this But he took a piss

All over me First night in Japan Before we even played a show I would have paid A lot of money For that tape of him Just Just climbing down

Down to go potty I mean you're a good boy And you're just like mean a watermelon helmet just passed out that's awesome yeah we went to the same that night we went to the same karaoke bars lost in translation oh we got fucking bombed there and kyle i still remember this being like punch me yo punch me punch me in the stomach i I was like, no, dude. So we get up there finally. Kyle's blackout. He takes a header over the table,

knocks off all the glasses on the table. Oh, my God. Jesus. Oh, my God. That's my buddy, Justin. He does. Every time he gets drunk, he goes, punch me in the head, dude. I'm from Pittsburgh.

Punch me in the head. We're usually like, we're like, usually not caveman About this drunk shit But like at the worst possible thing That happens to us Is that like We like fuck ourselves Yeah you fall

We're like fucking with other people Right right We're like we're all very sound When it comes to that But like our own selves We are so disrespectful. Yeah, it's like jackass. That's so funny.

It's also like, what did you think when you like walked out with a watermelon helmet without your friends? I don't remember anything. Jesus Christ. This is the Lost in Translation one? No, this is the Irish bar. Oh, the bar that you made keep you there? 621. It's all in your head.

621. It's crazy. That man must have wanted to fucking kill himself. Oh, I thought that was the video from Russia where I grabbed it. Oh, my God. Dude, dude. They got to check out. Yo, Russia was fucking nuts.

Yo, we'll put these videos on the Patreon. Dude. That'd be sick This kid rocks I love this guy Oh my god Jesus Christ That was in Murmansk, Russia Murmansk, yeah

Small balls man chugging booze It's in Siberia, basically Is that Smirnoff? No, it's like some crazy Georgian liquor Yo, Russian Orlando Bloom? That was Orlando Bloop. That was crazy. This is like every second.

You were trying to go like this with everybody else, but you're so drunk, they're like. Everyone rolled up to that show in Murmanx. We got there to that show. Murmanx is like Siberia. It's like a mining town it's the it's their famous their go to fame is they have the north the most northern mcdonald's

in the whole world oh and there's a plaque there but like we went there and we we got to show they didn't have any back line at all it was like they lost our pedals they lost our pedals guitars everything on the flight and we were just like, how are we going to play? Then we roll up to the venue and every kid there had a bottle, their own full bottle of liquor in their hand. And we were just like, well, I guess it's going to be this kind of night.

We just bought everyone's gear. It was literally like the fucking, what's the fucking movie? Project X? No, fucking the A24, John. Midsommar? No, Lighthouse. Oh, John. Oh, Midsommar? No, Lighthouse. Oh,

wow. Everyone was literally just like, ah, yeah. Everyone drank the sauce retarded. Wow. You guys didn't even

have instruments? You were like, I guess this. You were like, I gave this guitar to someone else to play a song. Wow.

These are your guys' stories. A nothing song Yeah I don't know This is your guys stories And then we're like Well sometimes I wake up in a towel

I said that a towel Is next to me And I had a towel on me I said that a towel No you have a lot of weird Sexcapades on the road You have good ones Oh yeah

We don't fuck with sex Yeah I don't like sex Sex is good Yeah we don't fuck with alcohol Yeah we don't fuck with alcohol You put us two together We don't do sex around here We like

I don't do sex We I don't do sex. We like self-embarrassment. Yeah. Public humiliation. It's my favorite. I like to fall and hurt myself. He likes to flip me around.

I was the reason that Nicky broke his wrist in Russia. Definitely. You flipped him around? I flipped him over my shoulder for sure because he ran at me full speed down a hallway in a hotel room. If he's naked, that's when you scare him. And he shot down the fucking hallway like 10 feet.

It was really bad. I felt terrible about it. But by the end of that tour, both of his arms were fucked up. So by the time we got tour, both of his arms were fucked up. Yeah, that's why he got the fucking helmet. Yeah, I had to tape the pics. Jesus Christ.

I swear to God he had to tape the pics. We didn't cancel. Dude, we should fucking drink. I've been trying to tell you this the whole time. Look at Ethan. We this the whole time. Look at Ethan.

We have the opposite things. We go on stage and humiliate ourselves for an hour. And then off stage, we're taking care of ourselves. You go on stage, look cool as hell, and then humiliate yourselves after. You look like the coolest people ever on stage. You're fucking playing guitars. You're playing instruments. We're being like, I think Que people. You're fucking playing guitars. You're playing instruments.

We're being like, I think Queef is an onomatopoeia. It's gay. Yeah. To each their own. And I'm like, I suck the man's soft penis like a gerbil in a cage with water. That was good.

Yeah. All right. That's the episode. That's the episode. Thank you, guys. I hope it's worth it. Woo! I hope this $5 is worth it.

I hope you got your $5 with B-Wolfe. Thank you, dudes, for tuning in. You're the fucking best. We love you. Renaissance Fair, episode 2. Renaissance Fair, episode 2. We'll see you next time.