Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 055 : Delta Daddy W/ Tom Thakkar

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

As always , Thanks for listening! Watch Thakkar Noir HERE : https://youtu.be/vJaTh-XJEBw Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content ! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod - Support the show & head to https://www.hellofresh.com/50SKA & use code 50SKA for 50% off & free shipping Chapters:  Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/upcoming-shows Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow Tom Thakkar : https://www.instagram.com/tomthakkar/ Watch Thakkar Noir HERE : https://youtu.be/vJaTh-XJEBw Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hey, everybody, before we start the show, I just want to say you need to go watch Tom Takar's new special, Takar Noir. It's out on YouTube. It's one of our favorite comics, comments, comics. You're going to love them on the show, on this episode. Check out a special and check out me, Ian Fidance, ianfidance.com for all my tour dates. August 18th and 19th, I'm at Comedy Bar Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Come on out October, August.

I mean, 25th, 26th, 27th. Come on out and see me at Comedy on Carlson, Rochester, New York. I'm going to be at Roar Comedy Club, Boston. Got a bunch of stuff coming up. IanFidance.com. And don't forget about our queen, the little rat queen. Here she is, Jordan. JordanJensenComedy.com. She's going to be at Fort Collins Comedy Fort in Fort Collins, Colorado. She's going to be in Phoenix, Arizona. And she's also going to be, you don't want to miss her, at the Pittsburgh Improv in the beginning of September. JordanJensenComedy.com, IanFlyDanceComedy.com. Come and see us on the road. Hear a joke, have a smoke, and enjoy the show. We love you. Bye. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian.

Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Be an Ian. Be an Ian.

With Jordan. Ooh. You are nailing it. Thank you so much. You've gotten a lot better. That's really good. I've gotten a lot better. I've gotten a lot better blowing into the horn. Welcome back. We need to clean this place up. To another episode of B&E with Jordan.

I love you. Anyway. What the fuck is this? Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. Join for bonus apps and a lot of fun stuff. I'm in a bad mood today. What? I think I didn't sleep very well. I know. I can. I'm in a bad mood today. I think I didn't sleep very well.

I know. I can tell you're in a bad mood because you're letting a little bit of dribble spit be on your nose. It's not dribble. It's from the... Let me fix this mood. Oh, shout out life question for the hat. Oh. Shout out.

Can you run up? Why not do a hundred shout outs? Okay. Shout out. Shout out my name, Ethan. Shout out. Can you run up? Why not do 100 shout outs? Okay. Shout out. Shout out. My name, Ricky. Shout out. My name, Bobby, who works down at the cardware store.

Happy card wearing. My name, Ricky? I love Ricky at the cardware store. The cardware store is popping off right now. It's so busy. He always gets me discounts on all my needed cardware. My cardware is brutal these days. Shout out.

Oh, fuck. Ethan, can you go up and get the box I left on the kitchen counter? Because I have something for you that's going to make you feel better. Okay. No, this is regular. Yes. Sorry. Tom DeCard is our guest today.

Hey, what's up? I love you guys. It's so good to see you. I love you. Thanks for having me. Why did you move, you big fag? Hey, look. I got a lot Thanks for having me. Why did you move, you big fag? Hey, look. I got a lot of reasons for what I do, but most of it is that I'm gay.

Are you? Because I've been waiting for a reason to suck you. What? You could have just asked. I like how the second a guy's like, I'm gay, you're like, perfect. No, no, no. I'm a married man. I'm not alone.

I'm a married man. Hey, just. No, no, no. I'm a married man. I'm not alone. I'm a married man. Just because you're eating, don't make a cheating brother. Let's go. I could pull the elder. I could pull it. I'm married, but I actually was gay the whole time, but I just can't express it. Jeff Sheen has that bit.

Have you guys seen that? He has a great bit where he's like, I'm bi, but I am not curious. I know that I want to fuck guys. I'm just a great bit where he's like i'm bi but i am not curious like i know that i want to fuck guys i'm just not going to that's good that's very funny funny shout out to jeff sheen yes and shout out shout out tom to car yeah one of the most repeated bits guys at the cellar oh is that right yes in what capacity People are stealing my shit? No, no, no. In like, dude, that is so funny. He says this. He's the funniest.

That's so nice. Oh, yeah. Blah, blah. Yep. Shout out Tom Takar is the pretty much the only comedian I've seen where you're talking to him and you're like, hey, I don't know what you're saying. The words you're saying. You're so drunk. And then gets on stage and crushes so hard.

He will literally be talking to you and be like, you son of a bitch, you piece of... I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. And you're like, you are wasted. And then he goes to get up on stage. You're like, I'm sticking around for this. He's going to eat a dick.

And then you just annihilate. And you're like, this might be a problem. Yeah, that is a problem a little bit. How do you all of a sudden? It's like amazing. I really, I come to life on stage. You do. It's like stage health. It is.

There is a thing like it's how sometimes you like, you'll have to piss right before a set and you get on stage and all of a sudden you don't have to anymore. It's great. I have that with alcohol where I can have, I can't remember. I'm sure there's been times where I've been too drunk on stage. I do remember one actually where I remember making eye contact.

That's a good point. I remember on Thanksgiving, which I shouldn't have even put a veil in for that, but I do remember being so drunk. It was one of those where I couldn't tell if I got the light or not. Ian was hosting, and I made eye contact with him, and I forgot where I was in a bit and I was like oh I'm drunk and then I like scurried through the end of the bit and realized

I forgot a key piece of information because I was like oh why did this not get the same pop it usually does I was like oh because I fucking forgot a whole line and then I just got off stage I was like man Ian's gonna tell everybody I'm a degenerate drunk and I didn't say a word.

I've seen a female comedian whose name I won't say out loud. Repeat a full. Well, there was that one. Was it alcohol or was it just a weirdness? Alcohol. Who's a boozer? Was it the seller?

There was alcohol. There was a full seven minutes and then another full seven. I remember. But there was also another one. Yeah. There was another person who went up 90 seconds in. I'm not okay. I need to get off stage. I've seen that happen. I saw a guy do that

once. I don't want to say his name. He's a good guy, but he was just going through a mental breakdown. Yes. All right. He's been doing comedy for it wasn't like a newbie thing. No, no, no. This was like a guy who's been doing it longer than me. Yeah, and I just started

last summer. That's kind of forgivable though. Just mental breakdown is forgivable, but being too new, like being just past the seller and being like, I'm sorry, I have to go. Is that what it was? That's what it was. No. Oh, wow. This is wild. And we could just go and say

it was Dan Natterman. Could you imagine? That'd be so good. I'm sorry, I have to go. All of us would be like, I think he really is not doing well. I think the hardest I laughed was with you. Do you remember in the back of Kenny DeForest? I think the hardest I laughed was with you.

Do you remember in the back of Kenny DeForest? I think Donahue was driving. Kenny was here and me and you were in the back. And he's like, he's like hitting this like, I don't know what it was, a blunt. They were passing back and forth. But he, Tom was drunk. And I was like, don't, you're going to get, what did I say? You're going to get the spins.

And then for the rest of their time, I was like, Oh, everybody watch out. I'm going to get the spins. Cause it's my first time. And this went on for like realistically 15 minutes. And then he sat back and he was like, no,

I think I do have this. You were, you were, I was losing my mind when you had to get out of the car and he leaned it because it was a two door and you were wrestling with the seatbelt that was across well that happens to me sober to be fair I'm not good at getting out of a car

and the pressure of people looking at you but you didn't stop crushing the whole time you're like this thing I can't even get around I'm gonna go under nope we gotta go over 100% we're going over it was so good don't wanna get the spins like rolling down the window and be like, hey, look at me, buddy. I got the spins.

Uh-oh. There's a man with the spins about town. Everybody watch out. I had one beer. Missy's. It's Vinnie DeGarne. I almost brought a beer here and I'm glad

I didn't. I would have dealt with so much shame oh yeah we're shamers yeah a couple of shamers actually we just can't get drunk so when other people are getting drunk it is funny yeah you have your times though sometimes are you fully done again oh yeah i've been drunk around you probably one of the few comics yeah chloe's backyard sure yeah really yeah what was us in, Tom. Just like me trying to fuck Graham or something. Yeah. It's not that hard. Me forgetting Graham is Graham.

And I'm like, you're a tall guy in comedy. That doesn't exist. Yeah. Let's see that pee-pee. Yeah. He's like, I played hockey. And I'm like, what's your name? And he's like, we've been friends a long time.

And I'm like, yes, we have. I'm taking my penalty box. He had a Misfits helmet when he was out. Oh, yeah cool guy i'm staying in this place you can smell his underwear if you want i should have brought some speaking of cool stuff you're wearing a shirt with rats on it and we are little rat brain guys yeah dude and j I love that. I have something for you. Oh. That, speaking of that guy. Oh, you got more guys.

Jordan, how happy does this make you? Oh, my God. Look at that. Oh, my God. That's sick as hell. Oh, she's a little queen. It's a little rat queen. Wow, I really like that.

It's a mouse. I really like that. That's a mouse. I'm going to hit. I'm going to hit. I'm going to hit. Are these real? Is this like a stuffed mouse?

So much. Yes. Smell it. Smell the mouse. And look, look. This is you, the little rat queen, and I'm the little rat king on my throne. This is good. Oh, my God.

Because I take long shits. Isn't life perfectly nice sometimes? This is fucking crazy, dude. What the hell are you talking about? How do you live your life? I don't know. A poster that just says Asian Man on it? Asian Man Records. You forgot

the records part, okay? It's very important you say the whole phrase. That's important. Oh, boy. That's important. Oh, boy. That is sick. What's the rat thing? That's what you just call yourself, the little rat boys? Well, we're rat brains because we're always like,

go ahead and then. I feel like that on every pod now. I've been doing a run of them in New York this week, and I feel like every three seconds, I'm like, oh, let's follow that thread. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Well, we can't even follow threads. We jump to a whole different sweater. Sure, sure.

All right, Weezer. And sometimes we can't help but become an undone. Let's go. What is it, Mines? If you want to destroy my sweater Oh that was good Pull my thread

And I'll walk away What do we vote? Weezer or ween? Weezer You're a ween girl? Nobody's talking about ween Name one ween song You can't

You could have said anything and I would have been like, okay. We don't know them. What was the one I missed? Mr. Buckyman. What'd you say? Underwater guy? What's Underwater Man?

Ocean Man. Ocean Man. That's Ween? I think she's making shit up. You don't even know that song. I don't know either. No, of course not. You literally could be like, oh, what's in the box? That band song. I like Ween when they have two different voices.

One that's bad and one where they go like this. What's the big Ween song we would all know? Yeah. I don't know. What's the famous Ween song? Do you know? Ocean Man is the most played. It's the most popular. Ocean Man. Tried and true. These Marvel movies are getting ridiculous.

Ocean Man. Did you hear about the new one? The Flasher? It just shows his dick really fast. And he can be hard at any time. And he kills Liz. And if they had a movie about me, they'd call me Jealous Man. Are you okay, man?

I'm also, are you okay, man? There's blood on her mouth. There's no blood. There's kind of like blood on her mouth. There is a little bit of blood. Where did you get that? Even more so me.

Is there like a website or something? Yeah, a scary person right now is cutting open a little mouse and stuffing it. Oh, that's fun to think about. We make them here. We have to stop ordering them because I don't want to support animal cruelty anymore. It's not animal cruelty. They're not murdering them.

Oh, yes, they are. Oh, yes, they are. You think they're waiting for a natural death on these guys? Yes. No, they wait around. Stop, watch. Look, these orders keep coming in. We got a lot of live mics this week. Can I tell you, I went to the

post office to pick that up and I always open our packages there to like, you know, and the guy next to me is looking at a huge black guy and I'm like, oh, it's a rat. It's a rat. He goes, I don't like rats. I deal with them every day. And I'm like, gang member? Oh, shit. I deal with them every day. And I'm like, gang member?

Oh, shit. I'm a sanitation worker. And I was like, oh, I should hide it. It's giving you PTSD. And he goes, nah, I don't really mind. What I really hate, though, is the maggots. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. As I walk away? Yeah. Where was he? At the post office next to me. That's brutal. That's disgusting. You don't need to be going,

everywhere you go. And calling black people gang members. I didn't say that out loud. I thought it. Because if somebody, anyone, black, white, brown, yellow, purple. Said they don't like rats? No, if a girl was like, I deal with them every day. And they said it to me.

I'm like, oh, fella. I'm sorry. That's a loose-lipped mobster. He's just bringing it at any point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate fishes. My buddies have to swim with them. You get my gist.

Why does she have blood on her mouth? She doesn't. That's just her mouth, and it's glue to glue the mouth shut. There's no blood. The eyes are fake, right? Yeah, the eyes are fake. They got to be fake eyes. That was a stupid question, I guess.

I mean, I don't normally deal with this sort of paraphernalia. Wouldn't it be great to make your whole life a musical for a day? You would love that. I do. I feel like your life is a musical every day. But what if we got everybody in your life in on it. Like you walked into the coffee shop and they're like, hello. You know, and that come with the dog was like, stay away from my dog.

Stay away from my dog. That happens in my brain. Yeah. Everywhere I go. And I sing and I narrate stuff. Every day of your life can be a good day if you choose it to be. I'm going to kill myself. How often do you choose it to be?

We should, not often. We should live every day of our lives like it's our very own parade. Okay. Singing. He chooses to do it when I'm in a bad mood. What? Yeah. Which sucks.

He chooses to have the best outlook on life when I'm in a bad mood. Everything's good. That was so funny. When you were walking at me on the phone, you're like, and I just turned and I looked back and you're like. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I have coffee turned and I looked back and you're like, yeah, yeah. I was like,

I have coffee. She was like, how is LA? That sucks. It does suck. I bought a house. Unless you change your outlook on things there.

You bought a house. I want to move there. I put a down payment on a house. It's still a monthly thing. That's why I got to do this pot. This pot pays like three grand, right? I'm fucked otherwise.

It pays one mortgage well uh the average housing cost in our neighborhood is somewhere around probably like 700 grand or something like that so down payment is like 10 to 20 percent of that it's a lot it sucks how much is 70 percent of that i want to tell you what was going on in our brains right now those Those rats having a fight. I was thinking about where your hat. Can I wear your stand? Let me wear your cape.

I want to take a poop. We're like acting like we're doing math. Sure. Sure. Sure. I was thinking about why her mouth was bloody. I actually really was. That's going to take up a lot of the hour.

Yeah. So you had to put down 70K. What? Yeah. I mean, it's both of us. So it's like, you know. Half of that, which is. Then it's house payments every fucking month.

And they're so expensive. Why do you want to own a house there? Yeah. I mean, well, my wife's family lives there. Oh, right. If you own a house, you may have to deal with a mouse. That's true. We have cats, though.

Well, the cats will get rid of the mouse fast. Do you have a cat still? Yeah. Okay. I didn't see him. I'm debating if I should get another because he gets real lonely when I'm on the road. I think we've talked about this. I think you should.

I think you should, too. It takes a minute to ingratiate him, though. You guys had a good one? Whoa. He was mushing the bed, being a little whore. I was scratching his butt, and he was looking big andore. I was scratching his butt and he was looking. I woke up today and he was curled up on my head with his face next to me, just like kneading his little paws into my chest.

Yeah, he likes to get it. He loves attention when I'm aware. I think you should get another cat, but we're naming it Jordan. No, we're not. We're going to name it Otis or Clyde. I'll only call it Jordan. Clyde. Interesting.

I like Clyde. What did you do? I hit my chin. You're not used to holding a microphone? Have you guys smacked your teeth a lot in microphones? Oh, I haven't. It scares me. I have done it so much and immediately I'm like, no, no, no. I'm so afraid to lose my teeth.

It immediately loses you so much. You flew too close to the sun. I did. Yeah, the sign at the cellar when you hit that with your head. Oh, I know that. I've done that a lot. I've done that one. I'm going to be there tonight.

I'll probably do it tonight. I've done it so many times. It's too close. It's too close. I'm too big. The mic out. Never done that. Have I?

I've probably done that before. That's crazy. Yeah. Oh, that happened when I auditioned for Last Comic Standing. I forgot that happened to me. It was before they had a crowd. It was like four people in the room. Oh, for the producers.

Yeah, it's like Wanda Sykes just sees me fucking lose a mic and you're like, well, I immediately... This was a waste of a flight because of one second. Dude, I got to the second or third round for Last Comic Standing in like 2014. I'm in the room at Gotham and they make you do your set for four people,

Wanda Sykes and the producers in the back. There's two people in the front and then they have the interview question and they go, how long have you been doing comedy? And I go, three years. And they go, wow, it's not a long time. And I got nervous. And when I get nervous, I do a voice and I go, three years. And they go, wow, it's not a long time. And I got nervous. And when I get nervous, I do a voice and I went,

yeah, I guess I'm just a little baby. And they went, what? And I go, I just, like a baby, I haven't been doing it that long. And they're like, uh-huh. Okay, next. And then, oh God, it was so, I'm just a little baby.

It's not your fault if they had said You would have been like nice They should have encouraged you Dude I crushed the fucking first show audition You can make anybody feel stupid if you go And then that individual was so bad Brutal And they make one comic watch

And then the next one watches Oh yeah I think I did the same year But it was in LA. Brutal. Me and Andy DeVito ate Indian food very sadly down the street. We didn't do anything very happily.

It's tough, man. Those auditions are brutal. How many people are watching? I've done two different ones. Oh, that's rough. That's how the NBC stand-up was, too. It was like four producers watching an empty comedy club. It was the Philly Helium during the day, 2 p.m.

Was that stand-up for diversity? Yeah. It was at 2 p.m. and you got one minute. Yeah. What? I did that because this was like years ago and someone was like, you're kind of gay I don't think I belong here so in my first bit I had to be like I'm a gay man

just like terrible I had to do the same thing with Indian shit because I was like I was speaking here so I took the Darjeeling Limited to get here and I'm like whose dick do I got to suck to suck a dick around here, huh, folks? That used to be a line in my act.

What? Whose dick do I have to suck to suck a dick around here? Really? Wow. Back in my Indiana days, I was talking about how I saw porn where the ladies had dicked into blowjobs. I had a line about that. Yeah.

It's a funny line. Whose dick do I got to suck to suck a dick around here? And it's even funnier when you're asking in earnest. That's a great point. Is it? Anyway, the box. You want to see? Yeah.

All right. Okay. Big unboxing. So this person sent us a bunch of stuff. Why is it all in one box? Because they sent a bunch of stuff. I'll have the racket one box? Because they sent a bunch of stuff. I have the racket in there. Because I consolidated.

Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Now, do you want to read the letter? Oh, there's a whole letter. It's not a letter. It's in Al Express Large. Well, that's dumb. Oh, this is from someone who loves you and got this for you.

Close your eyes. You promise you'll cheer up and feel better? I've cheered up yeah she seems fine okay all right all right should smile more though jk jk i gotta oh that's great cool shirt alert twenty dollars I don't know they got it that's nice what does it say on it that's good stuff

that's good shirt I don't really know what this is. Is this the girl who made me the Enya shirt on the road? Because it looked similar to that. What's the one you just threw on the floor so disrespectfully? Yeah. Whoa. Hot lady with tits?

No, it's not. What? I am scum queen? Whoa. If you gave us this, we DM or message, we want to shout you out and we'll keep looking it might tell you how to i can't believe they wouldn't have put it in there oh expire they're a great band pretty low good good good good cool that'll go on my luggage a tattoo book no way oh dude a cold world. They're a great hardcore band.

How the gods chill. Dude, this is like so not. Whoa, what is that? I don't know. Ethan, you want it? Ethan gets the scraps, huh? What does it say? For good slash okay tattoos in Detroit.

Okay tattooing by Josh Borg. I mean, really, this is a lot of stuff. Wow. Really nice. Really nice. Really nice. Tom, you're our guest. This is the best. What does that say? I'm sure it is. What does that say? It says something screaming. It does feel like

when you're a kid and you're watching somebody else's birthday presents. Oh, I think this is her. I am Scum Queen. On the back, it says I used to make pornography. So do us a favor. DM me specifically for a thank you. It says Dreamer.

Do you want to be a Dreamer? No, I don't. Or does Ethan want to be a Dreamer? Ethan would love to be a Dreamer. She made it for Ethan. Yeah, I'm the guest. I was meant to get nothing. Why don't you have a Garbage Pail comic?

Hmm? What? Wanda Sock! We just mentioned Wanda Socks! What a world. Wow. This is crazy. I'll take that. And let me tell you, if you don't take it, I'm going to feel pretty low. Oh, get out of town, brother. Look at that. Wanda

Sock. Sorry, I'm not in a good mood. It's expired. Jesus Christ. Wow. What's your big bad mood all about, Jordan? Anything happen? I don't know. She's got it in her Benny bag.

That's a stretch. I should have bailed Bart. There we go. Now we're talking. What is Wanda Sox deal? She's farting her way through the air. She seems to be Native American, I think, right? Oh, whoa. It seems like kind of an offense.

You're Indian? That's the other kind. This is a very frightening thing. Yeah, it's pretty scary. It is really scary. I like it though. Wanda Sock, you're going in the old wallet for a rainy day. Oh, it's a sticker, I think.

What's that? Axis. Oh, Self Defense Family. Wow. Yes. Is that a... That's Patrick Kidland's band from Drug Church. Oh, wow.

They're like a shoegaze band. Thank you. Dude, you know what? It's a lot of stuff. Really good gifts. A lot of stuff. There's so much stuff in there. Thanks for all the laughs.

Love you guys. Katie. Katie. Nice. At the feral fawn on Instagram. There you go. Thank you. At feral fawn.

The feral fawn. They're a feral fawn. But I'm more interested in who's this pornography girl. Is that not her? I thought you said that was her. Maybe it is her, but let it go. Is the tissue for jerking off? Let me see that.

Oh, could be. You gave me jerk tish. That is not enough. I hate the idea of men jerking off into tissues. I don't jerk off into tissues. Yeah, that's a weird. Hey, Tom, what are you jerking into? Oh, I don't do that sort of stuff.

No, I guess a paper towel. Wow. Yeah. So you just jerk off onto it? No, you jerk off onto your. No, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to. Yeah stuff. No, I guess a paper towel. Wow. Yeah. So you just jerk off onto it? No, you jerk off onto your... No, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to, yeah. I'll talk about it.

I've been a belly guy lately. Really? I think I'm a trash can guy. I don't want to touch him. I like when guys jerk off into trash cans. I used to jerk off into the trash can. I've never even heard of anybody doing that. Standing up, one hand on the wall.

Oh, picture these garbage bins. You waddle over? Oh, hey, I guess... I got to deal with rats all day and guys come. I guess you could say work up a garbage bin. I got to deal with rats all day. I guess you could say work up a garbage field. I got to deal with maggots and guys cum. Cum covered maggots. Dude, that's a good punk band.

Yeah, a fucking. Take your time. Take your time. That's metal band. Yeah, punk band wasn't good enough. We had to search. What's this? A jacked up jagger.

There we go. I'm jagging on my jagger. Hey, this is good. I'm getting jaggered. This is good stuff. Dude, it's so crazy. I just realized, we were all in Tulsa at the same fucking time. Isn't that nuts?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Didn't see a soul. Yeah. Dude, that town. The people are all right, but that town is like. I liked the people. I liked them too. It's flat. Yeah. Yeah. I kept saying all right, but that town is like. I liked the people. I liked them too.

It's black. Yeah. Yeah, I kept saying, oh, what happened? Look. Look, this is you. Oh, right. Which one am I? It is.

Why am I that guy? That's who we always say you look like. Why do I look like this guy? That's exactly what you look like. Oh, I love that guy. You do kind of look. Because he's loved. I think you more look like the other guy, like Ickes.

I think you're an Ickes man. Really? Ickes? I get Ickes out of him. Are you serious? No, you're this guy because your eyes are far apart. Yeah, that's true. No, what about, what's her name? Lova Trofar, it's over.

No! You have glasses and a stupid head. I'm Stimpy and you're Ren. That's good. Ren and Stimpy. This is a good fodder for people to make little posters for you, like art, you know? You love a good fodder.

I wish I had a fodder. Is Stimpy the fat one? I never met my fodder. That's how I jam that in. I never knew my fodder. Is this that kind of pod? Can I get deep? Yeah

Let's cry This is cry time Want to put on our shirts? For the Patreon My word Foiled immediately I'm going to do it Talk amongst yourselves

So Yeah what did you do in Tulsa Did you have fun I hung out with Joe Pera Oh yeah I saw him a little bit And me Oh yeah And Ian

Sure Me and Ian went to a western store Bought some stuff Oh that's fun That's a nice belt That's fun There's the buckle. Oh, you got a

fancy buckle? I got her a fancy buckle. She's not wearing it. That's fun. Oh, what? Did we not say if you don't bring it back today, I can smoke? No, because you gave it to me which nullified that agreement. Are you not smoking anymore? What's the deal?

I smoke down here. Oh, that's fun. Look at her little rules she does. Sure. No smoking inside on the pod. That type of rule. Isn't it your place? Well, Ethan lives down here. Oh, yeah.

You can't smoke in Ethan's room. Go back to the other thing you said. It's good. I enable everything you want to do, Ian. Ethan? What's your name again? What are the... This pod could so easily become

being Ethan with George. That's what he's inching towards. Have you seen? He's moved an inch closer. Blow him away with the power of Jafar. You barely have to change the art. Man, that's great. You went to a Western store. That's fun.

I was so bummed I missed your show. They put us at the same time. That was the only qualm I had with that vest. The one overlapping show was ours. There was no other overlapping shows, I don't think. Yeah, what was that? I couldn't see yours. I haven't heard Gwars. There was no other overlapping shows, I don't think. Yeah, what was that? I don't know. I couldn't see yours.

I know, same. And I loved the venue I did, but I was the only one in that venue, I think. I had the worst venue. I saw that venue. It was like the front area of the theater, right? Of a piggery, yeah. The foop of the theater. Of a damn barbecue place.

And then I go in and I see like a- I saw Casey Shornima there. It was fun. And Fahim. It was a beautiful theater where they had Squirm and they had Joe Pera. And then the room I had was just lights on, full blast.

Nice. Cool. Looking good. We're having our conversation over here. I'll talk. I'll talk amongst myself. I'll talk to Ethan for a while. You're a cool guy. Great festival though.

Very fun fest. Had a great time. Don't want to do the barbecue place again. I almost ate some of that barbecue. Didn't get around to it. I ate so much barbecue in Dallas. I threw up in my sleep and aspirated. Where were you at in Dallas? Did you do Dallas Comedy Club?

I did improv. Oh, nice. Fucking awesome. That room is awesome. It's so great. Shout out, Billy. Love Addie. Love that room.

Love Dallas Comedy Club, too. If you haven't been there, I highly reckon. I think it's far enough away. Do you ever do this where, like, for a year, you'll be back in an area multiple times? Like, my state was Ohio last year. I played Ohio like five or six times. This year it's been Texas. Really?

I'm doing Tulsa again. I've done it. I've already been there twice. And I'm going back like early next year already. You doing Bricktown? No, I'm doing the fucking, what do you call it? The Looney Bin. Oh, hey.

Hey, it's not bad there's an area what i was like the san fran area that's a good area for that to be mine was texas i've been i've been in austin like three or four times fucking dallas twice san antonio hello pod hello fresh hello everybody it's me ian in the flesh. Should I rhyme the whole ad? You're craving a homemade meal? Listen up, baby. Here's the deal. Look no further than HelloFresh because here comes a nice ad time sesh. Wicker, wicker. You guys got to get a HelloFresh. Not only is it good for you, easy, fast, quick Takes all the thinking and thought out

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Even though when I lived in a halfway house in Delaware, my old roommate Russ, who was in charge of the pagan biker gang in Delaware. He was better, though. He wasn't still involved in it. He used to be. He told me, he said, Hey, man, you know where you can always find hot women and get some pussy? I said, where?

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Bye-bye. I hate Austin. You hate Austin? I have to go there this weekend. Are you doing the creek? Yeah. Is it fun? I haven't been there yet. It looks fun. I like Austin. You hate Austin? I have to go there this weekend. Are you doing the creek? Yeah. Is it fun? I haven't been there yet. It looks fun. I like it.

I've done it somewhere. While you're down there. He said he's not in town. Damn. I did cap when I was there, which was great, but it is a helium now. I did a little one, and the money was fucked, so I'm not going back. Were we there the same weekend? I'm not going back yes yes that's right that was why i went because you guys were in the big room i was like i didn't even know you were

opening it and i was all that was where i saw casey too uh it was uh that was a fun week because the benefit i love that club like the old club before it got bought by helium was one of my favorite rooms in the world like i changed my name there i loved it there uh i had that same thing you had where i was like oh i'm gonna i was in austin for like a month randomly like just different club weeks slash like i did a college whatever and cap was so good and then they opened the new room i still love it love the staff all that stuff but the deal was so fucking bad and then i saw a tell was in the big room and I was like, well, I'll go out there. I'm going to lose money to do it,

but I'll go out there and I can do my show and then watch it. I'll just eat an edible and then watch a tell for both nights. And I did. And it was fucking awesome. That's what I did. I did the one show I had there and then I jumped on until the end show. Yeah. That's a good time.

It was so fun. That's a good time. Yep. And then Jordan and I stayed in a hotel room and she used all the blankets and I slept in a towel. That's unfortunate. Why did you do that? I pancaked.

I was like, enough! And pulled it like this and then he left forever. And then he came back and I heard him walk in and go, that's not fair. And then he laid down in the towel. That's not fair. I thought he laid down and he was like, oh, that's not fair. It was finally time.

I thought you would like take some or something. No, I didn't want to wake you. And then I fell asleep and I woke up and I was like, Ian, I missed my flight or I missed my alarm

and he jumps up and he's like, let's go. His eyes still closed. Let's go. And I was like, I'm going to take a car and he's like,

duh, didn't lay back down. Did you have a car? Did you rent a car? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I'll ride an Uber with you to the airport. I'll rob a car. Did you miss your car? Did you rent a car? Oh, okay. I'll ride an Uber with you to the airport. I'll rob a car. Did you miss your flight?

No. Oh, thank God. That's a tough town to miss a flight in, I feel like. Tulsa. Shittiest town to fly to. Connecting flights. You only have one fucking flight out. But is that just Delta or is that New York?

What do you mean? Is that just Delta? Yeah, I'm a Delta man. I'm a Delta. I'm a Delta daddy. I had to fly American to Tulsa, though, for some reason. Or Southwest. Daddy Delta. Oh, Ian.

Are you really a Delta daddy? Diddy diddy dot dot. Diddy delts. Deltsy do. Daddy do. I love to see them dragging you off an airplane, because you won't stop doing that. But I'm the Delta Daddy.

No. Why? That motherfucker ain't real. If I saw you in the Delta Lounge, I would just start apologizing to everybody. I am so sorry. Are you a lounge guy? No, I don't like it. What the fuck?

You don't like it? I get to the airport ten minutes before my flight. You're a psycho. If you were in the lounges, you'd know. I've been. Oh, you don't get it. I'm a Delta daddy. No, you're not.

Of course, I've been. The lounges make you love the airport. I look forward to getting there early. And the nice thing with Delta ones, I land and then I go to the lounge. And then I go in before you go to your show. Oh, yeah. Before you go to the hotel, you load up. I landed in New York. I stopped at the lounge, used. Before you go to the hotel, you load up. I landed in New York.

I stopped at the lounge, used the bathroom, got a nice coffee, got a glass of wine. Yeah, I use the regular bathroom and smoke. Wait, what do you mean you smoke in the regular bathroom? I smoke. At the airport? You're going to go to jail, dude. Shut up. Don't tell anyone.

I've seen people get arrested for that. Don't tell anyone. Really? I saw an old woman get the marshals or whatever showed up at the plane. I was sitting next to this old woman and she vaped in the bathroom. I did that. And she got caught. Oh, no.

I never do it on a plane. You got caught too? I got caught. What happened? What did they do? Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And I was like, what? And they were like, you can't vape.

And I was like, I didn't. It was my inhaler. And they were like, what? And I tucked the vape here. Yeah. And I didn't. I was like I didn't it was my inhaler and they were like what and I tucked the vape here and I didn't I was like look I don't have anything and they were like well what oh no that time I was like one time I got caught in the

seat and they were like what was that and I was like my inhaler fluff and they were like inhaler and I was like yes and she was like alright but when I got caught in the bathroom I was like I don't know what happened I don't have anything on me and I just like slid it in my boob and I was like see there's nothing and when I got caught in the bathroom, I was like, I don't know what happened. I don't have anything on me. And I just like slid it in my boot. Nice. Smart.

And I was like, see, there's nothing. And then they made an announcement. Me and Shane were headed to Arizona and a dude was fucking faded on the flight, like 7 a.m. flight. Hell yeah. And he's fucking drunk, just hitting a vape at me like. Incredible. Like a fucking dragon.

It's so funny to do that and like hide this part, but you're still blowing all the smoke. And you just smoke everywhere. No, I don to do that and hide this part, but you're still blowing all the smoke. You just smoke everywhere. I don't smoke on the flight. I'm not a fucking dickhead like you. Dude, Laura Peek, shout out, has a story where there was a dog walking up, warbling up to every goddamn person.

Where are you walking to? They were like, whose dog is this? The flight attendants were like, whose little dog is this? And the dog was like, me. And just being so nice and coming up to people. And then everybody's freaking out the whole flight trying to figure it out. Like, how a stray dog got off. And at the end of the flight, this guy in the back who's, like, wearing tie-dye.

And I think he was, like, a Colorado total burnout. Was like, Roscoe? And the dog was like, and ran up to him. And, like, he was like, oh, hey, dude. Oh, that's so good. Oh, I finally did my TSA. We don't need body scans. If you've seen these people, we need brain scans.

Let's go. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Where was that? Where did that crush? Yeah, where the fuck?

Where the fuck did that crush, Ian? You travel a lot, huh? No, New York Comedy Club. Last night. You've seen these airports? They really karate chop your vagina. What? Can I try that bit tonight? I could use some shit, dude.

I can't think of anything funny anymore. I live in LA. I need to borrow some shit. You've been to the airport, brother. You see these TSA scanners? Look at my body. I don't need that shit. Scan my brain, motherfucker.

That's what it is. That's good. Yeah. They do need to scan their brains. Oh, you got the woke mind virus in there. Yeah. Scan for that. I make it work.

It's so funny when you emerge and you're like, so you just scanned me and then it's just a little gray clay man with an orange box. It just turns green. This is bullshit. Dude, some bitch made me throw out my yogurt

because she's like, it's liquid. I'm like, it's not liquid. It's yogurt. She's like a fucking crazy homeless person. Some bitch made me throw out my yogurt. And I said, the yogurt good? The yogurt good? And she made me throw it out

and I said, not in my pig town. Try that in a small town. Try that in a small town. I'll show you Jason Aldean is on this bitch. It is fucking crazy.

I'm out of control. Have you, have you like had it where they make you eat it? You're like, like, because you could have eaten the yogurt, right? They make you eat the stuff that's in your bag. They make you eat yogurt.

I would never do that. I would never. Oh, yeah. It's either eat it or throw it away. I'm not going to throw it away. I'm going to eat the yogurt. What have you speed eaten? I'm definitely chugged.

I'm definitely chugged. I'm definitely chugged a soda. I had like I've thought about Steal one from the other airport. You're just like making eye contact with GSA. Oh, I'm chugged.

Oh, yeah, I'm chugged. Dude, a guy made me throw out my propane lighter, and I go, I've used this at every airport. It's not a problem. He goes, well, you can't use it here. And I go, you know what, Wayne? You feel like a big man, you fucking cocksucker.

Guy's just trying to do his job. Guy's just trying to do his job. It's discretion. They get too much fucking power. I saw they failed out of fucking mall security school. I saw them do this to a little. It's discretion. They get too much fucking power. I know. It's so insane. I saw they bailed out of fucking mall security school. I saw them do this to a little girl the other day. They go, is this your pocket knife? It was like a little pink knife.

And she was like, yeah, but it's for the nail file. And he goes, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your mom almost got put in prison for a long time. And the mom turns the daughter and she's like, Mary, my God. And the mom and the TSA both do like a like good job teaching her lesson. The little girl

is like shell shocked. Like, I'm so sorry. What an asshole. It pissed me off when You know what TSA stands for? The stupid asshole. The stupid asshole. That's good. What were you going to say? I hate when they're inconsistent where it's like, I'll bring my contact solution. Sometimes

they check it, Sometimes they don't. But they did this to me with toothpaste. I've been flying with the same fucking thing of toothpaste for like months. And they were like, oh, you're not allowed. This last time they were like, you're not allowed to do that. And I was like, I literally fly every weekend, dog. I know more than you about this. That's what sucks.

Yeah. And you can't be a dickhead to them. It's their discretion. And they go, you really can't. And you're like, dude, but I can. And I have. And then they go like this. Homeland Security, actually, we have to bring in the big guns.

So keep everything on you. And then they just release the cutest hound who's like. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, thank you. So I don't have to take off my shoes. And then you pet it and they have to put it down. Yeah, and they have to kill it on the spot.

Sorry. That's what they do. That's why you're not allowed to pet it. We're killing the dog. You pet that dog, they immediately put it down. It's ruined. I hate that. You have to walk with somebody else because you're always alone.

Yeah. You're walking with Sandy and you're like, Sandy, slow down, bitch. When was the last time there was a bomb or something on a plane That's a good question That's because they're doing their job No they're not I'd rather be on a plane with people chanting Allah Akbar For the whole flight

Than fucking have some stupid fucking dumb bitch That couldn't graduate mall Cop security school touching my thong How about when they say they have to get a person To watch them touch you? Oh yeah, that's weird. So many jobs are created. What makes them better than you doing this? You be the watcher

professional. And they're like, and then dude, I have to get checked every time because I have surgery so I have scar tissue that goes off every time. Oh gross. And they fucking, yeah. My whole vagina is just one gnarled. It's just scar from the Lion King. That's it. you open it up and it's just some eye with a big scar through it hey

and it killed my dad yeah yeah yeah it's really aggressive yeah I have to keep my legs like this the whole time or else it's turning red but yeah they always have to karate chop in between my labia right in there hard yeah to the point where you're like oh

and the witness is like yeah don't watch me like that yeah they like it they're sick they're fucking sick they suck they're sick it's always like they're celebrating something they always feels like they're having a birthday party and we're just being punished for being there like they're having such a same with nurses you know what i mean like nurses in hospitals be ever so careful yeah you're right you're right you're right this is a topic that gets every comic i know i said i guess that's a new n-word oh ian that's great you should say really good with letters today. TYSM.

You're welcome. That's great. That's beautiful. Dude, have you had to take your cat through the airport? No. That's the worst. We had to fly them across the country and the first lady we talked to because I have a pre-check

all that shit, clear, all that good stuff. I got mine taken away. Oh, you got your pre-check, do you? Why? I got caught with brass knuckles at the airport. They take your show. They probably caught you smoking in the bathroom, you fucking idiot.

Smoking in the bathroom every day. Brass knuckles got your TSA taken away? And I'm a Delta Daddy. You're not a Delta Daddy because you don't have lounge access. No, you're not a Delta Daddy. Sorry. I don't need lounge access. I got to the airport 10 minutes before I board and I'm fine. No, no, no, that's not a Delta daddy because you don't have lounge access. No, you're not a Delta daddy. Sorry. I don't need lounge access. I got an airport 10 minutes from my board and I'm fine.

No, no, no. That's not a real Delta daddy. You're a Delta baby and someday you'll be a Delta daddy. But you're not quite there yet. I can't get into the lounge. They have healthy food. They have salads, chicken. And they have unhealthy food if you want it.

Yeah, they have a dessert table. What's up? So good. Although, very funny comedian at the cellar. Put the gun away. Sorry. Whenever we have anybody who's slightly brown I just say you watch yourself boy just with my hand

I bought this in Tulsa Ian has to keep putting my hand down throughout the thing they're going to take your pre-check away he just starts chugging I need my energy oh my god come on he's so funny he's at the cellar he has a girlfriend who looks exactly like him glasses oh my god shit uh come on glasses he's great he's skinny from buffalo from buffalo oh sean

murphy yes love that guy he's great oh yes we were talking so much two days ago about the delta loud and how much we love it. Oh, it's so sick. And then he texted me and he was like, dude, I ate, I got horrible food poisoning. Oh, shit. And had a show canceled. You know who doesn't? Me.

Because I don't do Delta Lounge. Look, man. Just wait till you, just wait till you. I've been, I get it. You're sick. Centurion Lounge. That's the Amex lounge. What are you, from the future?

I have Amex. You do? Do you have Amex Plat? I have Amex, the purple one. Oh, purple's even better. Centurion Lounge. That's the Amex Lounge. What are you, from the future? I have Amex. You do? Do you have Amex Plat? I have Amex, the purple one. Oh, purple one's done. It's no good. What? You can get to the Delta one with that if you're a plebe.

What do I do? Can I get in the Delta one with Platinum? Are you Sky Mouse Platinum? What's that? Can I get into the Delta one? I can't even get into the Delta one. Sorry, I took your gun. I used it.

But can I get into the Delta lounge with your platinum? Yeah. That's how I get in. I have plat. I think it's like 700 bucks a year. Don't ever abbreviate platinum for plat. Oh, it's plat, baby. We're doing plat.

Who are we? Is Tim Platt coming on the podcast? I love Tim Platt. I haven't seen him in forever. He's so funny. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out.

Shout out. Shout out. No, this one you can get in the Centurion. You can get in the Delta. And I've been abroad and had to use the Air France lounge and shit. Yes, in Canada. No Delta. Just fucking sit in the fucking area.

You sound like me before I got in there. I've been in there. I get what you're saying. No, no, no. But once you have access and they go, welcome, sir. And instead of being like, can I use the guest pass for a towel? He's a good guy. I'm a good guy.

Let us in. I get there. I go in. I steal my little food. No, you go in. You run into your buddies. I ran into Gillis last time. I run into them.

And then I say, bye-bye. Bye-bye. No, and then you sneeze in front of your bag. I'm going to throw a beer bag. I'm going to drink, though. So that's also part of it for me. I can have a little martini. It's a good time.

I go sleep on the floor. I don't give a shit. You fill up whatever thing you have with iced coffee, bring it on the plane. Oh, yeah. Iced coffee? There's a new JFK one

that I went to yesterday, and they had iced coffee, and it's like, they don't all have iced coffee. They don't all have iced coffee. Some of them kind of suck, actually. But the JFK and Delta ones are great.

Shocking. Is that right? Unbelievable. I'm a man of the people. Oh, that's the Centurion Lounge. Not for long, buddy. Wait till that Delta app offers you the purple card and you say, oh, I'm Chicky Yesy Yes. It comes in the mail and then you walk in.

It feels good having that card. And you're on your way into the thing and then you take all the bananas and the oranges to your hotel room. I feel so much guilt using clear, like going in front of people. Really? I can't use the Delta. Oh, I love it. I love it.

I love it. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, when they're pulling you in the whole time, I'm like, move. Clear the way. Yes, totally. I'm smart.

I love it. Yeah, I have pre-check and clear. And like the combo. Which one's better? You combine them. Okay. There's a line for people with both. That you go all the way. I go to LAX.

Oh no, go to shit. I literally will get to LAX and be through security in like 90 seconds. And you know what? You know what? You barely need the TSA. Just treat everyone like they got pre-checked clear. You can do it. You're showing you can do it.

But the fucking TSA industry is out the wazoo. We don't need it anymore. It's all money. It's all clear especially. The way they're advertising it and pushing it. They're like, come here, come here, come here. You want to get the line?

You want to be a bad guy? The clear line is longer than the regular line sometimes. Yeah. I've, I've, I've noticed, I just don't like taking my shoes off. This is probably boring to tell the people. I feel bad. Oh yeah, sorry. It's so fun to talk about.

It's the only thing we have. I love talking about it. Yeah. I do love talking about it. It's the only time we get to feel, even when you get to the club, they don't make you feel nice. No, no. It's just that airport.

The airport experience. I'm like, I feel like I'm mature. Like, I'm like, you get to be club they don't make you feel nice no no it's just that airport but the airport experience i'm like i feel like i'm mature like i'm like you get to be alone for the one time in our oh stop you show up into the green room and they're like hey go in the green room it's right there you get in there there's just lukewarm water one diet coke and then just the host who's like how long you been doing comedy and you're like, I'm going to pull my eyes out. Is there anything you could do for me? Yeah. What's Nick Mullen smell like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How tall is Nick Mullen? I've gotten that multiple times.

Love the podcast. Is Ian really your friend? Is Ian really gay? Do you and Ian really have that dynamic or is it made up? I'm like, what do you think we're putting on a puppet show with our bodies? I know.

I'm the puppet in your hands. Up my ass. The second these cameras turn off, they are back to back. I put on sunglasses. Get away from me, bitch. I do kind of do that. I get upstairs. I'm like, I have to go. And he's like, wait, wait, wait. I'll come out with you. And I'm like,

boundaries, Ian. Boundaries. I throw the boundaries around. He washes off all of his tattoos. Jordan makes me speak to her through Ethan. Like, Ethan, tell Jordan I said that I would like to hang out later. Ethan, tell Ian I said

to suck a dick. Man, I crushed in that movie we saw last night. Dude, Jordan, I gotta give you credit. You demolished. What do you mean? Well, we saw a scary movie. And so it's like four comics all being scared, trying to be funny, being scared. And I got the biggest pop because I went like this. That's great.

I went, oh. And then I went, why? And everybody just agreed. Like it was the one part. Oh, that's a good feeling. She got the laugh like, oh, that's funny. You bombed one. This was in a theater?

I did bomb a little. What did you do? Because I knew that you were. It was two people over. It was Matty Wiener and that's funny. This was in a theater? I did bomb a little. What did you do? I knew that you were, he was two people over. It was Matty Wiener and he's here and I, and I on accident crushed.

It really wasn't authentic. Like, why are you doing this in the movie, right? And it's like black people who are always asking, why is the white lady doing this? That's why I, I watch movies

like a black person. I love talking to the screen. That's why we go. It's so much fun. Of course. And then I knew that Ian, as soon as I got a laugh, was like let the games begin and ian just started trying to throw out ones where he'd just be like and i'm a funny guy

i got a genuine laugh but it was not intended because I had a bag of popcorn and it was, I was the only one in the theater that got scared. Someone turned a light on and I went, Mine wasn't intended either. I was really scared. It really fucked me up. I kind of like, It was a good movie.

Talk to me. What was the movie? Don't talk to me. I kind of like... It was a good movie. Talk to me. What was the movie? Don't talk to me. Talk. I don't want to even say it. It scares me. It's called Talk to Me. I don't like it.

Yeah. I'm too scared of scary movies. I'll go see it again. This one is really scary. I won't see. You want to see it with me? I don't want to see a scary movie. I haven't seen Barbie yet or Oppenheimer.

I saw Oppenheimer. It's not that great. I saw 10 Minutes of Barbie and I walked out. Really? I really want to see Barbie. I can't stand... I'm going to get dragged to this. I'm going to get dragged to this. I'm going to get dragged to this.

Let's do it. I got your back, dog. I cannot stand the idea of being like, you know, you know what it is? You grow up your whole life seeing Barbie and you're like, nobody actually looks like that. And then they make a feminist movie starring Barbie with the most Barbie looking person in the world, which just reaffirms all of your worst fears growing up was that there is a person that looks like that and you'll never be her. Yeah, but dumbass, that's what Barbie is. You can't have fucking Barbie and

someone that doesn't look like Barbie be playing Barbie. That was the whole thing of the movie. What? Was that like real life isn't Barbie. Real life is different than Barbie. And I'm like, is it? Because we want to look like that. That's tough. I know, but I'm just saying they should have like made her gain 15 pounds when she went Barbie. I know, but I'm just saying they should have made her

gain 15 pounds when she went in the real world. Drop the heels off. It was just triggering as fuck to have somebody be like, the real world is really hard and bad and everybody's going to be okay. And you're like, yeah, but Margot Robbie is still the desired outcome for all of us. That was annoying.

I don't think you'll get dragged for that. Oh yes, I have been. Really? By who? Anybody I talk to, they're like, people have kaleidoscopes in their eyes and they're like, it's actually a really good movie and it's all about the patriarchy and feminism. Fuck you. Don't drag my friend. Fucking asshole.

The only dragging we're doing are people that Ian's banging. Who are you banging? Drag queens. Oh shit. This is to the dra Drag queens. Oh, shit. No! Oh, Jesus. This is to the draggers. Oh, nice. Your butthole, come here. This is for people to drag.

Don't, please stop. Please stop farting in the mic. I hate when people do that. Yeah, it's tough. Rick Glassman set this precedent and now I really You're now just like mouth is on your butthole. You're going to get pink eyes. Yeah, you're going to get pink mouth. Stop. Your tongue's going to get pink eyes. You're going to get pink mouth. Your tongue's going to turn pink. I did it, Ford!

I was getting your back! You ungrateful bitch! Drag her! Drag her! I don't want these images in my mouth. Of what? Of your angry dog face going, I didn't fart. Screaming at me.

Sometimes I get little snapshots of life and I'm like, what have I become? You just, I didn't fart. Yeah, that's going to be on your deathbed. That's going to flash right before your eye. I know it's going to. Your little mustache. I didn't fart. So upset like we're in a sleepover just like a kid in the class was like Ian farted I know the pain of that

down there I didn't I didn't even do it smell smell. Do you guys have the same thing where if a host, no offense, I don't know if you do this, I don't think you do, when somebody goes to the bathroom and somebody goes, the host goes... No, I do not, and I never have. Make fun of them for going to the bathroom. That's Will Silvance. No, it's Will. It's so many of them.

Will? Artie? What are you trying to say? I've seen what white guys do. Use your mind. Party? What are you trying to say? I've seen what white guys do. Use your mind. Who? Somebody. Aronovich. Yeah, I was going to. I think Aronovich might have done it.

I also don't like this. Ready for my least favorite thing in the world? I'm just going to say this. I'm just going to say the truth. Okay, so say your last joke is anyway, my sister's a whore. Okay? And then I get on stage and i'm like well i'm tom's sister oh that's a hack move dude that's a hack move i will say for a live show

yeah doing that oh no it's my favorite no a lot of because i go i'm tom's sister and i'm in on the fact that it's hack. Oh, yeah. Don't ever make that fucking lizard face again. What the hell was that? You look like one of those dogs that its tongue gets stuck out of its mouth. And because of that, it has a big Instagram account. Hey, I like those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you look like.

There's a famous cat from my hometown that is now dead named Lil Bub that has that. Cute ass cat, though. Really? There was a movie made about my hometown that is now dead named Lil Bub that has that. Cute ass cat, though. Really? There was a movie made about him. What? Yeah. What? Like Lil Bub goes to the mall.

It's because they're missing a tooth. Oh. So are you. No, this cat is linked. It's not. It's there. It's not. I'm not Mr. Tooth.

I can't find it. I can't find it. I don't have Wi-Fi. I'm trying to look up Lil Bub. Get off your phone. We're having a little conversation is there any way

I can pee and come back I have to pee so bad ow my hernia I have a hernia too should we get him removed on the Patreon oh look at this cat let me see him

oh he looks like he has sound syndrome she's dead but why are her paws going like this oh oh it looks like he has Down Syndrome. She's dead, but she was a good cat. Why are her paws going like this? Oh, it looks like the... Ethan, become this cat.

If you turn into this cat. Did you see the guy who turned into a dog? How about that guy? His little paws are like this. Why did that guy turn into a dog? That sounds like the setup to a joke I would love. Why did the guy turn into a dog? That sounds like the setup to a joke I would love. Why did the guy turn into a dog? That's quick.

That's good stuff. Really quick. And I was the dog. God, I wish I said that in the movie theater. You're haunted by that all night. Why didn't I say that? Let's go back and you ask a question out loud. Oh my God.

That was such a scary movie. It was great. So uh What are you talking about? Oh the Japanese guy. He is Tom. I think he was. Did you just say Japanese guy?

Now I know what you're talking about. You're going to ruin all of our careers in one fell swoop. No. That story is nuts. I love it, though. What happened? He didn't actually turn into a dog. He got a really expensive costume.

And he just acts like a dog. And he acts like a dog. Why did that blow up? The videos of him walking are nuts. I think because it's a fucking crazy story. Is it, though? A guy walks around acting like a dog all the time. All the time?

But he's in a full costume. Not all the time. He's hidden his identity because he doesn't want his coworkers to know that it's him. Is it a kink? It must be, right? Yeah, that's him. It's a weird costume.

Oh, I see what you mean. It's very realistic. It costs $15,000. Yeah, it's an expensive dog suit. Does he have a tongue? Is it a taxidermy dog? Oh, I don't know. Is it real dog hair?

That I don't know. It must be, right? He wants to be a dog. What's his dog name? That's a good question. I don't know. I mean, how do you even tell people that? You have to get it.

Dogs don't get to pick their name. You wear a harness like you're a therapy dog. Oh, true. You put your own thing on it. Does it say? I don't know what his name is. I mean, we got in a fight with a bitch yesterday at the coffee shop. What? She had a fucking

dog. Real cute little guy. Sure. Little guy. Stop. And we're like, what? And she goes, just stop. To the dog? To us. What did you do? We were cooing and on and she was shooing at it.

She went, stop. And then I said something. I said, maybe you shouldn't bring a dog. I go, does he does the dog bite? She goes, yes. And I go, well, then maybe you shouldn't bring a dog in a coffee shop around a bunch of people. Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

And Jordy goes, and there could be kids here. There could be kids. Fucking old baroness over here. There could be kids in here someday. It might be all scarred up down there, but I can still produce. I can still produce. Sure, they might come out with a ridge in their face.

They might come out with a dent. I can make Harry Potter. Yeah, she was a cunt. That's okay. I really think I might be barren, though. Never had an abortion. You're right. Never. I could be a patron. Never had an abortion. I dump in you and see if you're the kid. I've had a lot of loads deposited too

imagine being born off of somebody saying I could dump in you and then that turns into a baby come on let me dump in you let me dump in you let me dump I'm gonna dump I'm gonna dump

there's something so funny about you know sometimes you're like oh fuck I gotta go to the bathroom a guy be like I gotta come I'm gonna dump. There's something so funny about, you know how sometimes you're like, oh fuck, I gotta go to the bathroom. A guy being like, I gotta come. I'm gonna come, I gotta come. I don't think you're gonna make it. I'm just gonna come right here. I'm gonna make it. I was laughing at the idea of somebody

trying to be like aggressive, but not wanting to choke and going like this. Here, face that way. And be like. That's great. Guess who? Somebody usually thinks maybe

they could be a choker and they're like, I can't do it. I wasn't even trying that. Oh man, I'm going to tickle your neck.

I just like the idea of filming from the back just seeing somebody like. That's pretty funny. That's a good sketch. I just like the idea of filming from the back. Just seeing somebody like... That's pretty funny. That's a good sketch. We'll film it. I gotta pee.

I gotta pee. Have you ever been peeing like this and had a guy pee between your legs? That'd be funny. I've had a guy pee on me in the shower often. Really? Often? So is it your thing or is it theirs? They just do it for funny. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you pee in the foot. No, on my legs. And then when you pee, it's like, God, it looks like something broke. Yeah, it looks like there's a full curtain going between kind of thing. And then it breaks at one side. Yeah. You lived a strange life. Nobody respects me.

Oh, man. This is a good pod. Is this the best episode yet? Yeah, 100%. It's our one year anniversary. Oh, is that right? Congratulations. That's exciting. To celebrate, we rode her motorcycle together. Oh, that's right? Congratulations. Yesterday was. That's exciting. Yeah.

To celebrate, we rode her motorcycle together. Oh, that's a good time. He forced me. And it was hard. She said, no, I won't blow up your spot. What do you mean? About why you were coming to my apartment. Because I had to pee and poop.

Oh, yeah, that's fine. I didn't come in to pee and poop, did I? But you said you had to. She's talking about blowing up at a spot. Yo. What? What happened? Just really got it done in the cellar bathroom because it was pent up.

Oh, my God. I got so scared. With the McDougal one? Yeah. That is tough. Whoa. That is tough. Dude, you're so little.

You've been there. You're so little. I can't. I've had to do that before, and it is not fun. And it's like, everybody can see you in there. I feel like they can see you through the, they see your feet and you go on stage. That guy's a shitter.

I've been a fast and clean pooper since Oatmeal Athletic Greens. I'm telling you, those two together. A1G. AG1. Athletic Greens. We love you. But the movie scared me so much it scared poop. And then I was going to go to his house, but I knew that he wouldn't leave me.

I have to. I can't have him be like, I want to hang out for a few minutes longer, so poop in my house. I told you that is the reason I wanted you to. I would have gone to my bedroom. I was cracking up on the way to the cellar thinking about that. Just give me a ride home. Just give me a ride home. And then you can go hang out with other people.

Don't you have to poop, Jordan? Don't you have to poop? I'm not doing it with you waiting outside the door begging to come in. Someone wants to play. Yesterday, Ethan accidentally walked in on me in the bathroom and I thought it was you, so I was just like, oh, Ethan. He was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, no, it's totally

okay. I thought you were just Ian joining me. You really gotta get some boundaries. Yes. Who the fuck are you? Fuck you. Just used to people pissing on you and coming to the bathroom. I don't want to shit with the door open today just so we

could all keep talking. You know what the problem with boundaries are? How do you know if who's to say what the problem with boundaries are? How do you know if who's to say. Communicate. What the right thing is. Like say somebody pees on your leg in the shower and you're like, I don't like that. Yes.

Then I would. You're putting up a boundary. Then I would an hour later be like, I'm gay. I should like that. It's fun to pee on people. I love it. Don't you do that? No.

Where you second guess the boundaries you set? No, trust your gut. Oh, I gotta pee. Don't push the gut. I don't know what. Oh, no, trust your gut. Oh, I got to pee. Don't push the gut. I don't know what... Oh, no, I really will. Oh, my God. Okay.

Yeah, that's a good... Do you do that? Do I have any boundaries? Yes. I don't know. See, no comedians have boundaries. Look at how we live. I grew up with Adam.

I grew up with Adam. Who's Adam? I grew up with Adam. Neighbor Adam. Brianna ordered a can of... Did I already say this? A can of cider. And Neighbor Adam. Brianna ordered a can of, a can of, did I already say this? A can of cider.

And she's like, I have a can of the cider. And the woman was like, hey, I'm so sorry. We don't have any Canada cider. Cause she has such a, I have a can of the cider.

Canada cider. That's a good time. I love a Canada cider. Do you want to go to the movies? Do we not have any Canada Coke? I can't decide. I don't know where we're laughing at that. Canada cider. I can't decide. I don't know where we're laughing at that. I can't decide.

I can't decide. What do you want to do? Wait, all right, let's finish the podcast. You can hold it for a second. This is really hard to watch. When are we putting this out? When do we put out the episodes? In two weeks.

Phoenix is, this will, I have a, thanks for having me, Phoenix. And then, what do I have in my life?

I have your Phoenix, Pittsburgh. What do I have in my life? You're in Pittsburgh, September 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. Wow.

You have Fort Collins. Fort Collins, Fort Collins. Oh, I love Fort Collins. Yeah. That's why I filmed my special. Really?

Which I'm here to promote. It's called The Car Noir. It's on YouTube and Spotify and all that shit. So get over there. I really liked your cover for it. Thank you. Yeah. The Car Noir.

Listen, you must watch the special. It's a good time. This dude is insane. Very happy with it. He's frustratingly funny. I watched you for two seconds the other day at the flatback lounge and I was losing my mind. Multiple times. How is he so fucking funny? It's crazy.

Take it. Accept it. I can't. Say I am funny and work. These are my boundaries. Dude, it sucks. Yeah, there's no compliments. These are my boundaries. IanFidance.com. I got a new website. Shout out Justin Gilman for putting it together. Your hand. What? There. Good. I'm going to make you Shout out Justin Gilman for putting it together. Your hand. What?

There. Good. I'm going to make you straight if it's the last thing I do. What did you do wrong? Oh, I like that. It looks like a little happy pig. Oh, yeah. Happy pig. I would like to know how

it looks like a little Miss Piggy. Oh, I'm a happy pig Oh my dates are coming up Yes and we're going to have crumpets And then we're going to put my hands I don't What's wrong with crumpets The stepdad that exists

On the very shallow surface of me Comes out make it strong Have you ever seen the birdcage When he teaches Robin Williams and he's like, I have a good handshake. Everybody knows I have a good handshake. And Nathan's like, I am a fucking man. A little point like it. Well, my fingers

do weird things. Yeah, they really do. When your hand runs away from you. Where am I? Alright, go. Where am I? Toronto Comedy Bar. This is after that. Love that place. Where are you? Rochester Comedy on Carl Carlson August 25th to 28th I love the shameless

Oh Tulsa Little Rock I'll be in Little Rock Arkansas Yes get me an indigo ring I got you Tulsa, or not Tulsa, Little Rock. Fuck. Little Rock? I'll be in Little Rock, Arkansas. Little Rock, what happened to the big rock? Yes, get me an indigo ring. I got you. I got you. Oh, Vermont Comedy Club.

Don't lie. I saw your face. DC Improv. I saw the immediate jealousy. Immediately, he's like, you're going to get her one? Okay, sorry, sorry. I'll get you one, too. Sorry.

There's nothing to do out there. I'm putting the mic down. It's a meeting club. You do the meeting club. Oh, no. There's like three dates I'll get you one too. There's nothing to do out there. I'm putting the mic down. Oh no, there's like three dates I'll plug. I'm doing New Year's Eve Vermont Comedy Club. Great club. We all love it. I'm doing... You can't help it.

DC Improv. That's a big one. Go to my website. All the dates are there. There. I'm done. Go. Go. Thank you so much for tuning in.