Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 056: Live W/ Dave Attell , Brendan Sagalow , and Big Jay Oakerson

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Now please welcome to the stage, Ian Fidance and Jordan Jensen! You wrote that prom for Ethan? I wrote the prom for Ethan. That was so gay. What? Oh my god. Are you guys ready? I actually from New York City.

I can't hear you. Oh, my God. You have a hair. Oh, sorry. They were supposed to play an intro song. Drug Church. What happened to them? Sound guy.

Oh, sound guy's gone. We lost everybody. We don't have any of our guests. We lost all of them. Oh. Look at that. Turn it off. Better late than never. No, guests. We lost all of them. Oh. Look at that. Turn it off. Better late than never.

No, let him hear it for a second. Play it again. Ian Finance and Jordan Jensen. Oh, my God. Oh, goodness. Oh, man. Why don't you blow the shofar? Oh.

Look at that. Don't mind if I do? Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Ew. What are the Seneca's doing here? Welcome.

I'm going to smoke them. Hey, first thing out the gate. Yes. We got to thank. You guys have to get really loud for Ethan. He made all of this happen. Our producer. Producer Ethan!

Young Ethan! The king, the god, the terminally horny. We gotta get this kid laid, okay? Dude, he is 14 years old. When we were his age, what the fuck were we doing? Blowing dudes, the both of us. I was in rehab. You were?

For blowing dudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah in rehab you were for blowing dudes yeah yeah yeah i'm good i'm glad they sent you there you were almost blowing the that kid selling soul blind back there it was crazy how you were sexually harassing that boy well i was thankful that he was helping no you were this close to him and you were like i just we're so close i feel like i want to kiss you and i just watch him slowly back up a little bit. But you didn't hear the part where I said, for helping. Sure. You made Pat bound up all the shirts back there, but you made him take his shirt off first.

That was weird and inappropriate. And also, I made him bind up his feet. What? Right? Anyway. Like a little Chinese lady? Yeah. Oh, speaking of Chinese, well, OK.

Eddie, how are you? What did you have to say? What were you going to say? Well, I got in trouble with my Uber driver because the Uber earlier picked me up and Ethan and it was in a blue Toyota Sienna. And then the second Uber driver picked me up in a blue Toyota Sienna and I said, hey, you were

my Uber driver earlier. But he wasn't? Two different Chinese. Wow. That's not your fault. That's car. You're being a racist about cars. Two different Chinese. Wow. That's not your fault. That's car. You're being a racist about cars. Yeah. Yeah.

That's fine. I know. My Uber driver, we got stopped on the bridge last night and we got, there was like a accident and everybody was stopped

for like 15 minutes and then the taxi cab in front of us fell asleep and we just got stuck behind him until finally we passed him and me and the Uber driver

was like, he's asleep. He's asleep. Hey, mister. And we were rolling down the window but finally we passed him. And me and the Uber driver was like, you said sleep. He is asleeping. Hey, mister. And we were rolling down the window. But then I found myself talking in my cab driver's accent. I don't know why. So both of us were being like, you are asleep.

You must wake up. Until my driver was like, what are you doing? I was like, I don't know. Do you remember that video I sent you of the cab driver that was using his ceiling light as a strobe light? And he was going, Crazy Arab cabbie! That was nuts. That was crazy. Yeah, yeah, and he was blasting music

and rolling down the window going, Crazy Arab cabbie! Never forget me! And I was like, I'll never forget someone, dear. It was nuts. You really made me voice memos. I know.

I realize I didn't get your text earlier because your alerts are turned off. I turned them off. I muted you on my phone. That should tell you something about your personality. Well, because I always want to talk to you. I know. And you ignore me.

I know. That's true. I was trying to convince Ian to not have sex the other night. I was like, please don't. Because here's the thing. I'm trying to get him to stop having sex, and he's trying to get me to stop dating, which is kind of weird. It's like, I'm going to stop loving.

I'm going to steal Christmas. What's next? You know what I mean? That's funny. See? See, you know, that's a bitch. Shut the fuck up. She did it on stage last night.

Yep. She was like, I'm doing this stupid thing about my friend that can't get bigger. I did it on stage, and I was like, it's Ian. It is Ian. Oh, really? And I was like, he's bi, but I think he's just a pervert. What the fuck?

You know what I mean? You're like, there's bi and then there's just... No, that's true. You need the law. Don't fuck kids. What? You just agreed? Yeah.

What? No, but the other night he was like, I'm going to go fuck this lady. And I was like, don't. And I was like, seriously, don't. And then you're bartering. You're like, then you come home this lady. And I was like, don't. And I was like, seriously, don't. And then you're bartering. So sometimes you're like, then you come home with me. And I was like, no, just fuck that lady. Yeah.

Well, there was a stripper on the street. I didn't know she was a stripper, but I struck out. I struck out, and this girl that was hanging out with me went to hang out with another comic. And I was like, you don't mow another man's lawn. Like, fuck you. That's a line from Kingpin and I go this is fucked up and some girl walked by with a

dog and I was like hey she was like hi I was like your dog's real cute she was like oh thanks I got his face tattooed on me and I was like tattoos dogs boobs she showed me that tattoo and she was like I was like oh great tattoo it was awful and she was like it was only $500 nah I swear to god it was like this big it was awful. And she was like, it was only $500. Nuh-uh. Yeah, I swear to God.

Really? It was like this big. It was awful. Yeah, she got ripped off. She strips at Rick's in Times Square. Rick's. We should go there tonight. No, we're not going there.

We're not seeing that lady again. Yeah, but anyway, she was like, I'll come back to Brooklyn because I live in Bayonne. And I was like, oh, boy. We're just giving every personal detail out about this woman. Here's where she works. Here's where she lives. Oh, shit. Here is her job.

No, it's mix. Here's how you can. Here's where she lives. Oh, shit. Here is her job. No, it's mix. Here's how you can identify her. Tattoo of a dog. Yeah. No, no, but then, but she goes, I'll come over, but you gotta lock your cat in the bathroom because I'm bringing my dog. And I was like, I'm putting my foot down. Nobody tells Samson where to go

and what to do. Oh, he has to watch you have sex. And she was like, get over it. He's just a cat. And I was like, this isn't going to work. And then Jordan goes up and goes, he has a problem with sex. Only watch a movie with him and nothing else. I was like, you fucking bitch. And she was like, I don't want to have sex. And I was like, well, you're a liar. But that's okay. She said that.

She was like, I don't really want to have sex. I'm not looking to have sex. I was like, you just walked into a strange place with a strange man. You're trying to bang. Yeah. And I lied to Liz at the cellar. I was like, hey, can my friend come in with a dog? And she goes, what? No. And I go, all right Yeah. And I lied to Liz at the cellar. I was like, hey, can my friend come in with a dog?

And she goes, what? No. And I go, all right, look, I just met this girl on the street. She said she's a stripper and she'll come home with me if she can bring in her dog.

And she goes, I will say yes to that. That was great. Yeah. And then Liz said, where does she strip? The mall? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy that we both relapsed that night. We both were... I went back... I fucked my ex, and he just had sex in general. But that was the agreement.

I wouldn't do that if you didn't do that. Yeah, but it's funny. Without telling each other, we both did it. At the same time. And we met up, and you're like, I'm gonna fuck this lady,

and I was like, don't. And then you did it, and I was like, if you do that, then I'm gonna do this. Meanwhile, my penis is already deep inside of him, or whatever. Your penis? did it and I was like if you do that then I'm gonna do this. Meanwhile my penis is already deep inside of him or whatever.

Your penis? You know what I mean. Lady if you had a penis I'd ask you to marry me right now. I know, I know, I know. I would take all the rings off my hands.

I feel like I've earned one you know what I mean? It's kind of annoying. Now people think you have more of a penis than you do not have a penis. People think I have

more of a penis. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Totally. Yeah. Thanks. Well, we have a lot of good guests tonight. Where'd they get these couches? From the corner. Isn't that cool? That is really cool. Somebody brought them up here?

Yeah. Who brought them up here? People that we need to thank. Oh, thanks people. Okay, well, we have some guests and we have a thank. Oh, thanks, people. Okay, well, we have some guests, and we have a very special guest coming soon, but first, before we bring him up, why don't we bring up one of our...

Is he actually coming? Yeah. Really? Why don't we bring up one of our BFFs? Okay. Why don't you introduce him? Okay, everybody. I'm going to bring up this guy.

He rules. He's got a great podcast. You know him very well. He's your favorite baby. Here he comes. Brendan Sagalow, everybody. Brendan Sagalow! I'm sorry for calling you a baby. Yeah, right next to me.

Hi, everybody. What's going on? Is it going okay out there? Do you think it feels okay? It feels terrible back there. Really? It doesn't feel great up here. No, it feels good. I don't know. Why are you asking me? Ask them It feels terrible back there. Really? Why? It doesn't feel great up here. No, it feels good. You know, I don't know. Why are you asking me? Ask them.

I'm just checking. How are you guys feeling tonight? How do you guys feel? It's like very, it's very strange. I mean, I watched Santino and Bobby's live pod, and boy howdy was it not like this. You know what I mean? They were like pulling bunnies out of hats and stuff.

Are you allowed to have this? Yeah. No, illegal. It's illegal. Somebody get on stage. Oh, yeah. We should tase somebody. Although not how. It's illegal. Somebody get on stage. Oh, yeah. We should tase somebody. Although not how Segura did it.

Did you see how Segura tased Ethan? He like held it down. The poor kid's leg took off. No, I missed that episode. Someone. Touche. That's fair. That's actually very fair.

You're right. I'll have you know, I did have a girl over and I brought her down to the studio and we tased each other. Nice. Naked? Isn't that fun? Naked? Wait, did she get tased? Uh-huh. Wow. You guys did it naked? No, no, no. I heard that the taser

doesn't work over jeans. You're supposed to do it skin. I'm not doing that. I'll do it. That's such a trick. You'll do it on your skin? Should I do it on skin? Do it on your face. Should I do it on skin? Don't do it to me. do it on your skin should i do it on skin do it on your face should i do it on skin don't do it do it on your mustache so it lights up dude can i do it on your face what if who wants me to taste this stupid thing

no no no jesus christ no that's what you do all the time you see how scary it is No, Jesus Christ. No. That's what you do all the time. You see how scaly it is? It is scaly. It is scaly. All right, I'll do my leg on skin. If you do it on skin.

No. Why not? I'll do my leg on skin if you do it on skin. I said it before and I said it again. I'm not doing it on my skin. You fucking rap. I got a weird heart. And it goes a little something like this.

Hip, hop, choopity-doo, and a scoop. No. Everything we say, moms, just so you know. That's okay. Yeah, why don't you know? Feels like my act. What? Some Sagalow fans in the corner over there.

No, I don't want to do it because I'm not a Johnny Knott. Why don't you do it instead of bullying other people? If you do it, then you get to bully people, but you haven't done it on your skin, so why are you bartering? Look at your fucking psychology. It's good psychology. Okay. You just compliment me? You're right.

No! I think the cops will be called. Ian, it's not cool. On skin. No one has ever done this on the bottle before. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to do it to Jordan, and she's touching me.

And I didn't want it to be like... Thanks, buddy. Thanks a lot. Wouldn't it be funny if you held me, you held him, and it hit his little nose ring? Wouldn't it be funny if we all shot each other at once so we died all at the same time?

Dude. Yeah. One bullet just... Wouldn't it be great if I jumped from the rafters in a noose? Right. Wouldn't it be great if we jumped from the rafters in a noose? Right. Wouldn't it be great if we just... Wait.

Wait. What if... This is how I'll do it. That's a lot. This is how I'll let you do it. If... I already did it. Let me finish.

It's done. If you... I bet you'd listen to me if I was a little fucking stripper with a hot dog or whatever. Go on, Melissa. I said little and hot. I'll do it.

It was a hot dog. If I can hold Jordan's hand and Jordan holds your hand and you do it yourself and we'll see if it gets me. Okay. Are there any engineers in here? Look at these people.

That guy fucking works at a Sam Ash. What are you talking about? The engineers. Do it to that leg. I don't know. Not to me. Not to me. Do it yourself.

We're not just holding hands. Hold me. Ooh, so sweaty. I'm actually scared, dude. No, do your bare skin No I already did Why? No I'm gonna

I'm kidding Do you feel it? Yeah Good job I just felt a whole lot of pain From you squeezing It didn't feel that bad No it felt fucking

I kinda like it I know you like it I know What if it. I know. What if this makes me into nipple play? You brought... What? What? What's going...

No. Everybody's into nipple play. Do you have no feelings in your nipples? I don't like nipple play. Why not? Too sensitive or not sensitive at all? Because I'm not a gay man. You are a gay man.

Look at your foot. Look at your pointed toe. You are a gay man. Some things about me, but not my nipples. So, no, I think it's like split. What? I think it's split. I think it's like people on planes go back or forward.

Reggie Conquest loves nipple play. What's your hand doing right now? Whoops. He loves nipple play and he also loves to take his clothes off when he takes a shit. Dude, even if I was listening to this podcast, I'd be like, what the fuck is happening? What? What are they talking about? Wait, he let...

Okay, what happened with the girl? You brought her downstairs to our studio. Did you have sex with her on the blanket your mother made? No. Did you have sex with her on the place where I sit? Ian! We have another guest on the show. The dog girl?

This is a lady that he brought down and was tasing, playing tase sex with her? The dog girl? This is a lady that he brought down and was tasing, playing tase sex with. Cool. No, that didn't happen. We went upstairs in the bedroom. You didn't have sex on the couch that I said? No, I wouldn't do that. Yeah, right.

You guys tased each other in the bedrooms and stuff? Did you use tasing in sex? No. Did you just tase each other? You sound like a Republican mother. Did you use it in sex? Yeah, I'm like Tucker Carlson. Did you sex with this woman?

You're a crazy person. Coming up next on Fox News, there's tasing in sex. Yeah. MS-13. They're calling it phasing. It's fucking in tasing. We saw a video of the woman tasing her pussy. Remember that. Yeah. MS-13. We saw a video. They're calling it phasing. It's fucking entasing. We saw a video of the woman

tasing her pussy. Remember that? Yeah. Let's bring up Jay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You guys ready for our next guest?

I guess we're done with Sagalow. All right, everybody, let's make a lot of noise. For the one. The only. I'm not doing it. Big Jay Oakerson, everybody, let's make a lot of noise. For the one. The only. I'm not doing it. Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

Big Jay. Hey, we don't know how it's going up here. What's up, gang? Man, this is a weird production. It's really strange. Fantastic turnout, though. Who introduced the taser? We have it in the podcast, but Ian got it in Ohio.

Yeah, we use it a lot. Yeah, I got someone to drive it to me from Ohio. Do you want to do it? You can't buy one in New York? You can on the street. But I think you're playing up the taser, to be honest. Can I just say it? I think it's fake.

No, I'm not going to do it. Try it. Jay, try it. Go ahead, Steg. I'm a bitch. He said you. Go ahead. Remember from before?

It's not bad. I just did it. I'm a woman. All right. Jesus Christ. No. You know what? No.

You did it before. I'm not doing it. Oh, you didn't do it before? Anyone who wants to do it, feel free. But, you know, I will fight for your right to tase yourself, but I will not tase myself. God bless you. Do I have to say the speech also?

No. I am a free man living in a free country. Ian, also, side note, all black guys like nipple play. Yes. Really? Yes, dude. Don't lie. How do you know that? I watch a lot of pornography, talk to a lot of people. From my own research,

it's true. Yes. Did you see that porn lady fuck that porn guy? What? That's every day. Can you be more specific? Oh, Adam 22's wife. Jason Love. Yeah.

I watched it. Did you watch it? It looked like she had a great time, right? Yeah, it looked really hot. She wasn't like, I miss Adam. I thought she would do that, but she didn't do that. She thought she was going to break down on the show. Come on. Somebody's here. Yeah.

Dave Adele., my God. Somebody's here. Yeah. It's Dave Adele. Oh, my God. Come on over. All right. Well, that was our surprise guest. We just blew our load. Just so you guys know. Yes.

Have a seat, Dave. Daddy, love of my life. Thank you. Hey, I apologize to the fans. I didn't want to interrupt another story with no ending. Thank you. I apologize to the fans. I didn't want to interrupt another story with no ending. We were all getting ready to tase ourselves. You came just in time.

Yeah, really. Is this some kind of initiation for your podcast? You have to tase in? Yeah, you don't have to. Your grandfather did. I already wet my pants. What do you got in your little satchel there? Just, you know, my usual things I like to carry around.

An extra catheter. So, it's great. I didn't know we could podcast on the weekend. Some of us work. You know, work in comics and all. Do you want to smoke? We can smoke in here. It's great. I didn't know we could podcast on the weekend. Some of us work. Isn't that crazy? Working comics and all. Do you want to smoke?

We can smoke in here. No way. Yes, it goes with these chairs. Can you smoke in here? Actually, this is a little thing that keeps cigarette smoke inside this box, and Dave gave it to me for my birthday. Well, how about that, huh? It doesn't keep it in the box, idiot.

It keeps it in the box. It keeps it in. Do you want to smoke, Dave? If you open that smoke, it will not come out. We have idiot. It keeps it in the box. It keeps it in... Do you want to smoke, Jay? If you open that, smoke would not come out. We have a box that keeps it. Now, I hate to be a nerd, but are we allowed

to be tasing and smoking? You're such a fucking pussy. I don't know. I feel bad. The guy, the owner in the back is probably like, Jesus Christ.

We asked. We asked. It's better to ask for smoking and tasing forgiveness than smoking and tasing permission. Yeah. All right. Tase and smoke me.

If no one dies at the end, they're like, all right, I guess it wasn't that big of a deal. Are you going to tase yourself, Jack? Huh? Are you going to tase yourself? No. Oh.

I thought about it, and then I was like, what if it just shuts my heart off? The most boring episode of Jackass. Johnny, are you going to tase yourself? No. No. I'm Big Jay,

and this is me turning down the taser. Atel, would you like to tase yourself? Or would you like to tase Ian? That's also allowed. Always. I'd love to tase him all the time. Yeah. I'd rather chase him through the subway with a hammer.

That is the most fun. So how did you get this on the subway? That's what I want to know. Oh, I took it in an Uber. You took it? Yeah. What did the guy go? Oh, I got one of those too.

Yeah. What did he say? Did you make that at home? Someone asked me for a picture with it. Really? Who? Some stranger. It was a mug shot.

Were you sitting on his lap? What's the story behind your proton pack? I spent money I didn't have on it. How much was it? $500. That's less than I thought when you said that. It looks hefty, but it's plastic-y. I had to order it three years ago.

How many? Because they didn't have them made. It was crowdfunded, so if they got enough people to pay, then they'd start producing them. Kind of like a pyramid kind of thing. It was a Ghostbuster pyramid scheme. And the gun was separate than the backpack, so they came in

two separate things. And then the people you sell the proton packs to become your team. You never had toys that you liked when you were 38? Sure. I have a hard time. No, going backwards, though, it's hard with toys. I don't think I would play with it at all. I mean, I want to play with yours, but I don't want to own it.

Were you a toy man child, Dave? I'm wondering if people do this for other hit movies, like The Sound of Freedom. I'm a TV agent. Good to see your crowd reads. Now go ahead, ask me if I want to be tased again. It's good to see everybody's out again. Did you see Sound of Freedom, Dave? No, I didn't get a chance to see it.

It's a bad movie. It's about pedophiles, right? Yeah, but it's also just poorly produced. I wanted it to be good. I wanted to be on the Republican side. You saw it? Yeah, immediately. Immediately. Bought and sold, I was. I was like, these lids aren't gonna stop us from fucking kids. And then they were like, that's not what this is for.

And I was like, oh, okay. You think it has something to do with the strike? What do you mean? No one can write a good pedophile scene? It's weird that Barbie and pedophile movie came out at the very same time. I know, one, two, punch. Finally I that Barbie and pedophile movie came out at the very same time. I know, one, two, punch.

Yeah. Finally I can take my mom and just leave her at the theater. You know, like, hey. The movie was serious. Barbie really took a turn. And a lot of kids are paying for Barbie but then sneaking into Oppenheimer. Oh, yeah. That's a nice three hour.

Aren't people mad about Oppenheimer? Why? I don't know. Asians? They've been making everybody gay. What? Just characters. Now he's gay.

Now Mermaid's black. I thought you meant the bomb. The atomic bomb is gay. That's what made it so crazy. Hey, I like this stuff on the table, especially that prison menorah. That's awesome. Pretty good.

I like that. Using cigarettes as candles. That's fantastic. And what was I going to say? I guess, you know, I've got to give it up to this crowd. I like that. Yeah. Using cigarettes as candles. That's fantastic. Uh-huh. And what was I going to say? I guess, you know, I got to give it up to this. What's that? That's a taxidermied rat.

This is Rat Man. Look at that. He's taking a shit. This is fantastic. Yeah. Yes. That's a real taxidermied rat? Yes, we brought joy. We brought joy to Dave.

So this is like a hoarder auction. Yeah. Pawn stars. Can I see that? Make a wish. Did you buy the taxidermy rat and then glue it to a toilet? Well, we had to because I broke it three times.

I kept throwing it on the ground. The rat? Yeah, I didn't mean to. This thing can break if you throw it to the ground? Don't. Don't break him. He's my best friend. You're my best friend also.

The rat could break? Yeah, the rat breaks off the toilet if you're not careful. Why do you want that? Good question. I see he's reading the news, so I think that's... What does the newspaper say? He's reading the New York Post. It's the Taxidermy Times.

Rat news? He does. There's a special article on it about mice. It's really well done. Really? Yes. A very scary person somewhere. Well, this is a good time to pull the crap. How many people think the rats are getting better or worse? What do you guys think?

Better. In the back? Really? Yeah. I've been seeing more. You've been seeing more of them. Rats. I saw a tornado of rats, which I thought was fantastic. They were in like a pile, like a circling pile. Yeah, so I thought they were like going to tell me something.

You know, like God, like a burning bush. Were you practicing your recorder in the park? Yeah, I brought them together. I wanted you to be the rat czar. You know how they elected rat czars? Yeah, exactly.

I really wanted it to be you. I thought it would have been good. They made a woman a rat czar. A big fat lady. That's so crazy. If I saw a rat, I'd go, I can't imagine what this lady's going to do. I don't know.

She's going to not let him get any of the scraps. You know what I mean? She's going to eat all the food so they can't have any. It's a fat joke. It's a fat do. I don't know. She's going to not let him get any of the scraps. You know what I mean? She's going to eat all the food so they can't have any. It's a fat joke. It's a fat joke. I just got that. She's a big lesbian lady. Wait, there's a real rat czar person? What is that? Somebody to manage

the rats. It's one person? Have you noticed the rats below ground are skinny and the rats above ground are fat? No. Yeah, because the rats above ground have the garbage to eat. if you were a rat which one would you want to be underground me too i want to go to the i want to be the rat that goes to a better school that's what i want the charter school rats jordan you do look like the girl in high school who did experiments with rats though it was more like the rat i had rats for pets like

weird it was more like the right animals growing up oh chinchilla that i brought in my hoodie pocket all the time. She always smelled like hay. No, no, no. Stove. Wood stove. Wood stove girl people called me. That's cool. That's a cool smell. Or dog hair girl. Dog hair girl is not good. Once you're out of the house, it starts

to smell a little bit like old wet piss. It might have also been old wet piss. Yeah, Dave's right there. That was his joke. I went to a pool party in sixth grade, and we were all like 12, and the DJ was like 15, and he wore cool water cologne,

and he gathered us all around and was like, you got to get this cologne. You could drop kick a bitch and still want to fuck. And I went to my mom, and I was like, mom, take me to Boscox. I need to get cool water cologne. You could drop kick a bitch and still want to fuck. And I went to my mom and I was like, Mom, take me to Boscoff's. I need to get cool water cologne. And I just went to an all-boys school, so it just didn't work out.

That explains a lot. Yeah. Like it or not, you're getting laid with that cool water cologne. That's the one smell you never smell on the subway. Cologne. Am I right? That's true. Yeah.

If you smell cologne, you would like, you know what they say? Smells like cologne. Leave it alone. You know what I'm talking about? Sorry. That was cute on code. I would fuck a dude if he didn't. You said they'll fuck you if they dropkick you.

And my first thought was, I'd fuck a guy if he dropkicked me. That would make me fuck him. You know what I mean? You love getting dropkicked emotionally. Yeah. Physically, it's even better, but you can't get that. Now, who wants to be the lucky guy

to dropkick this bitch? Let's give it a shot. The other day, we were on stage at the stand, and there was a lot of people, and Jake went, who in here would fuck Jordan? Silence. Complete, deafening silence. Well, let's redeem it. Who here would fuck Jordan? Silence. Complete deafening silence.

Well, let's redeem it. Who here would fuck Jordan? No, don't do that! Don't say anything! Don't make a damn sound! Look at that! Yeah! Like half the crowd wants it.

Don't bang the table, scary man. A married guy fucks Jordan and his wife is like, why do you smell like a wood stove? How about these guys? The ELO reenactors over here. These guys. They look like they're from Quebec. Where are you guys from?

Jordan, you got to believe in yourself more. I know, you're right. It wouldn't be the first time these two guys spit-roasted something together. That's true. She's usually an animal with a map on its mouth. You guys spit-roasted something together. That's true. This is usually an animal with a map on its mouth. You guys would know, what time is the Renaissance Fair on Sunday?

Is there really a Renaissance Fair? What? Jesus. That would be so fun if we all went. Oh my God. Just any opportunity for a hang with you. Anytime you can. What would you dress up as at a Renaissance Fair? Oh my God. Right? Just any opportunity for a hang with you. Ren's Fair. Anytime you can. Yeah. What would you dress up as at a Renaissance Fair?

The fool. Were you just running around looking for a dress? I have... You could never be in a Renaissance Fair. Why? Do you think you could ever see a knight wearing glasses? No. Surmyopia. Please approach.

We're over here. Madams and malaties, you're talking to a donkey. You think they really are donkeys as they run us over here? I'm sorry. Five mics, two laughs. Now. Five mics, two laughs. So Jordan, why don't you thin the herd?

There's probably two or three really great ones. I'm off sex right now. I'm not having sex for a while. Yeah, you are. Only if they come in through the window. I had sex with a Muslim man who came in through my window the other day. What? It was an Aladdin scenario. Whoa.

Did he bring his tiger? He didn't. He brought his monkey though. Thank God. Oh, Jesus. When the Arab guy came through your window, was that true? Yeah, I did. Because I didn't want my roommates to know I was having sex, so I was just like, can you just come around the back of my house? And I opened the window and he came in there. It was like a Melissa

Etheridge song. It was kind of cool because my bed is up against the window. Come into my window. I'd be home soon. Are your neighbors 9-11 survivors or something? Good question. I would have thought they would have been triggered by coming in through the window like the planes did. But no, I just

didn't want them to, you know, it's just I don't want to walk out and have them be like, ooh, you know, you know that feeling? Why? I should move out is what I should do. Yeah, it was. It was very I've never had that because he came in. My bed is right there. So he came in the window and then we just had sex on the bed and then he left.

It was very like like a vampire. Like you invited him in. Yes, like a delivery driver. They just think you were like, you know, I am a impression and masturbating. What's crazy is he was like Bunga bunga bunga bunga Oh Jordan. He went oh Jordan. That was hilarious.

He said that I should talk more in sex. That's the first thing he said to me afterwards. I was like any notes? And he was like you should talk more. I thought you didn't want people to speak. You're not working. Jordan's like let's put on music to set the tone. Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a. Wow.

Wait, so you just lay there all dead-eyed? Wait a minute. Sorry, I thought we were in 2005. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but yeah, I'm not good at sex. I know you're imagining. Yes. Come in darkness. Welcome to darkness, my old friend.

Welcome to darkness. I literally sing that. That's you? One time I had a threesome and I couldn't stop singing the X-Files theme song the whole time because I was so nervous. Oh my God.

I want you to molder my pussy. Dude, I'd fuck. That's racist. The guy's looking at you and he's like, the truth is out there. What do people say? How do you sing the theme?

I've heard you have sex. Was it instrumental? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I'm having sex with two guys right now. It's so weird. What is it actually? Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Wait, was it two guys right now. It's so weird. What is it actually? Wait, was it two guys in here?

No, it was one guy who couldn't get hard. Shocker. And a lady who had a cold vagina. Yes. Oh, my God. No wonder he couldn't get hard. One guy was like the UN observer. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was just keeping his eye on stuff. Yes. And the lady was a corpse. Yeah. She. Yeah. He was just keeping his eye on yes. And the lady was a corpse. She's right here. Have you ever experienced a cold vagina? Has anybody felt that

before? Please look at me. Hey you know this is such a rough and ready podcast. And I know there's a band coming on afterwards right.

Does the crowd know who it is? Yeah. I do. The cars for kids will be here? Yeah. I do. The cars for kids will be here. Yeah. What if that's the next song you sing during sex, Jordan?

What? 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS. You look like you can only come if someone sings the Celino and Barnes song. You can't. You just front-loaded your joke. You just sang it, and then you said you look like you can only come that way.

You just wrote a joke in front of everybody and then recited it. Is that not the magic of comedy? Is that not the magic of comedy? She looks like she fucks to the Bob's Furniture song. Am I right everybody? I wrote that.

Yeah, well. Yeah, you, women you have sex with are very vocal. I've heard people having sex with you and they're lying. I hear them lying to you. I've heard them in the hotel.

You're so funny. You crushed tonight. You little rascal! How dare you? Yeah, it's not... Men don't want you to be like, I'm having a good time. That's not what they want. They want the dick compliments.

They want the little compliment circle, like a bunch of fags at a lacrosse camp braiding hair. Your dick is so nice. You have the nicest one. I love yours and yours specifically. Not in that voice. Now I'm going to come. Nobody wants a hospital puppet show

in their bed. You're all going to be friends in heaven. I don't like a lot of talk. I think it's weird. Especially if it's over complimenting. You're saying like a lot of talk. I think it's weird. It is weird. Especially if it's over complimenting like you're saying. Yeah. Instead of fucking, they're like, oh my God.

You're like, shut up. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. What is this for? It feels like they're hurting your feelings. That's why I don't say anything. Yeah, I don't even like having sex when I'm in a bad mood and she's like, is it hard?

And I'm like, everything's hard. Leave me alone. It's all hard. I tweeted that once. We know that you tweeted it. We can tell by the glint in your eyes when it got a laugh. Ian, would you like to do that joke two more times? I like to take off my pants and just the sound of change falling on the floor.

I think that really... And then we both dive on it. Sometimes the quiet is the best. Yeah, I hate that you have to... You take off your shorts and your belt buckle, your big belt buckle. I have to allot 10 minutes to take my rings and jewelry off. Yeah, yikes. but that's when they know I'm in business

really is when you're like this yeah yeah yeah it's a scar ring it's a little swollen I had a lot of salt today one sec

do you have any soap for my scar ring yeah your hand has all those green rings around it you got ready to get touched you know historically

when I drop my pants you hear chains clank the ground like it's you're getting ready to get touched. Historically, when I drop my pants, you hear chains clank the ground like you're getting ready to fuck a ghost. Jacob Marley, you're fucking Jacob Marley. You'll be visited by three ghosts and this dick. I'm just swinging. I thought the Muslim guy would want to fuck through a hole in the sheet. He's not Hasidic. You're right. That's swinging I thought the Muslim guy would want to fuck through like a hole in the sheet

I thought it would be very like I don't want to He's not Hasidic You're right That's what I thought I don't The Muslim guy Did he wear one of those

knit hats? He didn't wear a fez No I hoped Alright Someone learned the lingo Thank you so much Thank you so much

No he didn't wear a fez I did lose my carpet though Does he call his Does he call his condoms a Jimmy fez? You got any Jimmy fezes here? Man, I did a show for that, for Betches. You know what Betches is? Apparently it's like the bar stool for women.

Worst group of people in the whole world. It was awful. It was the worst people ever. I did one of those Girls Gotta Eat shows, and they're so nice, but the crowds only want to see them, and it was like a knife fight. I was like, sorry, I don't have a podcast about sex! Fuck you!

It was crazy. They were like, it's you, not us. I moved into race stuff, and they all, all of the white women just turned towards two black girls in the room, and all just looked at the black girls to see if they were okay with what I was saying. It was brutal, dude.

It was awful. I forgot why i brought that up oh because i brought i took the microphone cover off the thing and i said that i was i liked it raw and that was the only laugh i got for the entire show it was crazy brutal i thought you were gonna say something ian i have to leave in five minutes to go see 50 years of hip-hop at radio city music hall. No. Wait, is it one guy doing the evolution of hip-hop? What is it? No, that would be fun, though. That would be sick. It's one white Jewish man. Yeah.

I also have to leave. It's me. It's just a ceremony for all of the execs. Wait, so what is 50 years of hip-hop? It's a bunch of rappers from different points of time. The legit rappers come out, do their song,

and then they move into the next decade? Yeah. Who have I already missed? Black Sheep. Damn. Does anyone know Black Sheep?

Black Sheep's great. All right, cool. Who else is gonna be there? Onyx. Ian is like so fucking racist, dude, about rap music.

What? Like, you just went, does anyone know Black Sheep? No, because I don't know Black Sheep. You were like, oh yeah, dude, about rap music. What? Like, you just went, does anyone know Black Sheep? No, because I don't know Black Sheep. You were like, oh yeah, totally, good. I didn't know what decade they were from. I told him, me and Jay went to go see Cypress Hill, and I said, the next day I saw Ian,

and I went, dude, I saw Cypress Hill. You ever see Cypress Hill? And he went, no. Like, I'm the fucking idiot. Well, why? What in your world would you think that I would go see Cypress Hill? What in your world? What in your little world would make you think?

I like Onyx. They had a song with Biohazard. What's Cypress Hill? Are they black or white? Which type of racist is he? Latino. Oh. You're racist or two?

No, no one. You dumb bitch and you fucking pig! Shut the fuck up! You don't know who Cypress Hill is? I thought that was a TV show like Orange County or whatever. No, you're kidding. Do you know Cypress Hill? Wait, isn't Cypress Hill a show?

I drive a Kia. What am I thinking? I've seen you driving and it is so funny. Oh my god. It is so funny. Your head is like this. Furious. Furious.

It's terrible. You know who's a great driver? Ian. Ian is an awesome driver. That's not true. He really is. I'm so fucking good at driving in parallel parking. Oh my God.

Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. I'm so good at parallel parking. Okay. They're making a documentary on me called Parallel Parking Unparalleled. It was a tweet I wrote.

I can't wait to hit skip it on that one. Anybody else have any tweets they want to say? I think you should say parallel parking more like unparalleled parking. I think that would be better. Instead of your word ass. That is more concise. Jordan! Jordan! concise. Jordan!

Jordan! Jordan! Jordan! Put your head on mine. Man, this crowd is not big on chants. I also... I feel so bad. When you try a chant and it gets nothing. I'm used to a chantier audience.

Yeah. Trying to quit smoking. I should try chantics. Dude, I had the Jews will not replace us chant. Stuck in my head. What? Jordan. What? Dude, I had the Jews will not replace us chant stuck in my head. What? Jordan. What? Sorry. You know the Jews will not replace us? The Jews will not. I had it stuck in my head for realistically

two and a half months. Lodged. That was in your head? I was like, why? Do you have FOMO? Huh? What? It is a catchy tune. Yeah. It is really catchy. It's great. Musically it moves well. The Jews will well. I went to an Orthodox Jew the other day,

but he made this woman. He went out. I didn't know that doctors now have to have a witness if they examine you. I don't know why. If I get raped, I want to be able to go to the doctor and not have him be like, I don't want to double down on you. I wouldn't want to fucking double time you. So he went and got this bitch, parked her in the corner. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Not at all. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? Alright. Remember when I and got this bitch, parked her in the corner. Do you know what I'm talking about? Not at all. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? Okay, all right. Remember when I had bed bugs, but I thought they were hives? Yes. Okay, so. Was that a children's book?

It was yesterday. I remember Judy Blume pumping that one out. That was the worst. She had fucking hives everywhere and she's still coming over to my house like taking clothes of mine. You made me. I said I didn't want to come. I said we shouldn't do it because I'm worried that maybe this is bed bugs and you said it's okay.

James Mattern doesn't mind. Remember? Rest in peace James Mattern by the way. I could say that I am dying of full blown something really bad. It's always AIDS. I could say that I am dying of full blown something really bad. It's always AIDS. I want to say AIDS, but he has AIDS, so that's insensitive.

No, I don't. I'm negative. I found out two weeks ago. Oh, we should have done the blood cut here. Oh, yeah. Jordan and I are going to cut each other and become blood relatives. What were we talking about? Are you going to do that with the hand thing? He asked me yesterday, but he just got checked for AIDS.

I saw two guys do that on the subway with head wounds. Oh, nice. And now we are blood brothers. I don't know if the scientists sound on that. Or maybe. Would you ever be blood brothers with someone, Jay? Just the ones I am. You mean like cut hands and shake hands?

Yeah. No, it's indicative of nothing. Is it weird? What? That's what they do in the mafia. They cut their hands. No, they don't. Mafia films, maybe.

They hold a candle until they go, ow, and then they're in. Oh, that's hot. Ow. They go, mama mia. And now they're in mafia. I thought they have to punch you and say cereals or something. That's a spicy meatball. One time I cut my finger and a girl that I was dating took it and sucked the blood.

You loved it. No, I did. Yeah. It's kind of cool. Anything that brings you closer to a person. If somebody was like, I want to remove your skin and put it on mine, you'd be like, that's the nicest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's the sweetest. I'd be like, just want to remove your skin and put it on mine, you'd be like, that's the nicest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's the sweetest. I'd be like,

just on a spot that's visible. That would, what? I mean your whole skin. Oh, no. Is it a great big fat person? Like Buffalo Bill. But you wouldn't, would any of you cut yourself

and be, do you want to be blood brothers? That's my mantra when I'm having sex. Is it a great big fat person? I'm waiting for the region of the wilderness. Let me ask you something.

Yeah. So you guys would become blood brothers. So what does that mean, though? Like, will you, you know, feel it when he comes? Or like, what happens there? Man, I hope not. Because he's came twice since we've been up here. Yeah.

Someone is thirsty. Jay, what other bands are you seeing? What a weird question. You guys aren't going to know any of them, I feel like. I bet I will. Go. Rakim. Yep.

That's awesome. Party by Nature. Yeah. You kind of have like an Oakley tan. Curtis Blow. Curtis Blow. Wow. Wait.

Now, who did White Lines? I did before this fucking show. White Lines. Who did the song White Lines? Oh, I just listened to that. White. Who did that? Hip hop guy.

Sagalow. I don't know. Oh, you just rapped? I said my joke. Will Naughty by Nature make an appearance? Yes. Oh. Oh, is that Uncle Luke?

What are you guys saying? Are you speaking in riddles? What's happening? Yes. Is Two Live Crew there? I think they're not going to let me in for how white this conversation is. I'm trying to learn.

It's like the condo board. Will they be making a lot of noise? How many friends will they be bringing? Can you name them all, please? Will you go backstage, Jay? No. Not to this one. No?

No, just out front. I'll be with the regular people. I'm also... I'm going to a hip-hop show late. I'm walking in... Well, that's funny that you think that would start on time. Yeah. Now.

I bet you they're just rolling up right now. Come on, guys. 8 p.m. We gotta be there. The fans are waiting. You can finish your homework later. You can call your dad another time. I'm 6'3 and white. Ralph's 6'5 in white. And we're about to go walk into the middle of a row and just start

standing in front of people. That might be a conversation. Yeah. I'm going to talk a lot of shit about what I did if that happens, but mostly I'll probably just end up sitting down the whole time. Is that good? Are you allowed to smoke drugs in there?

With your arms crossed. I prefer it this way. Can you smoke drugs in there? Can you? Will I, or are you allowed to? You're not allowed to. Will people be smoking marijuana? Yes, people are going to be smoking marijuana

at the 50 Years of Hip Hop show. I'll already be the one to break that to you. It's a Radio City musical. You're acting like an interested molester uncle who wants to touch me. What? Whoa! Show me some of your records in your room, kid. How is that room of yours?

I love you guys for having me. Thank you so much. Thank you, Jay! Have a great time. How about a big Jay Oakerson? Oh my God. The best. Great one. That was fantastic. I can't believe you didn't know about the hip-hop thing, Sagala.

Well, you know, sometimes you don't know about stuff until you know about it, right? Would it make you feel better to sit in that chair? A little bit. Get over there. Yeah, don't touch me. Okay, sorry. Don't force me to go.

Oh. All right. But you got to move over or else I'm fucking here. Yeah. I have to go too, but I have a leg cramp. No, you're not going. All right. All right.

Jay again. Thanks. Now this looks right. Yeah. Who next are we going to kick off Talk Island? We have a gig tomorrow. Are you excited, Dave? I'm so excited.

Where's the gig? At a casino in Pennsylvania. Oh, yeah. It's on. One of us talks the snare drum. It's on. Talk about half full. That's what we're talking about.

It's going to be great. Do you want to gamble? Do I want to gamble? Fuck yeah. I'm ready to go. What's your we're talking about. It's going to be great. Do you want to gamble? Do I want to gamble? Fuck yeah. I'm ready to go. What's your game? What do you play? Well, recently it was rock, paper, scissor. Oh my god! Dave, he lost $400 to me

in five minutes. You never see that at a GA meeting. He bet me that, he goes, I went to a massage therapist and he was a little Chinese guy who was like, oh, I help you very much. And his name was Jeff. And I was like, his real name is not Peter.

And he was like, I'll bet you $100 right now his name was Peter. And he texts the massage lady. And he got the bug. And he was like, yeah, his name is a bunch of painting lines. Yeah, so I lost $100. Dude, you know how fucking mad I get that you're just giving her $400

and you're buying Ghostbusters? I want it back! You want it back? I want it back! It sounds like you're saying, want it back. I want it that way. So how did you lose it on Rock, Paper, Scissors?

You guys were just playing. Well, then we had to play Rock, Paper, Scissors shoot until he won it back because he was having a meltdown. His clothes were coming off. He was flop sweating. Who i was him yes he was like climbing into my lap it was out of control he lost it on that bet and then there was another bet i bet you that my mom would pick up if i called no no but that wasn't real because we didn't shake on that you lost it on another thing i bet i could waterboard myself oh yeah and then you waterboarded yourself before I agreed to it.

You were like the ultimate only child. It's so true. You have an imaginary bully, not an imaginary friend. Like, I don't want to be waterboarded. You will if you want me to be your friend. But, come on, I'm the only guy who can see you.

What a pathetic where did where did Jake go oh 50 years damn it oh it is fucked up

that video of you as a little baby where you're on a rocking horse and then you just flip yourself fully over onto your back and then you see

the camera shaking because your mom is laughing so hard at you. Yeah. Yeah, my mom goes, hi, and I go, hi! And I just flip and hit my head and then the rest is history. I like that all your bets are like about how your mom

loves you. You're like, I bet if I call her, she'll pick up. I won. I bet if I say I love you, she'll say it back. You really got some balls once you got in that big chair. You know that? I thought he would like the chair. This is a big ball chair. You notice the confidence change?

Look at that. Yeah. Yeah. What did you say the other day that you look like a renaissance painting of a queen? I lost my mind when I saw that. I lost my mind. Yeah. Do it. Yeah.

Dude. Yeah, really good. Really good. You look like the large baby that the priest is going to bless. Yeah, that's why babies don't like me. Every time I meet a toddler, they're always like, how'd you get so big? Yeah, they're like, They let you wear clothes? I wouldn't know about being held as a baby.

Sad. Do you guys want kids? No. I want a Down Syndrome baby. So they never grow up. That's what I want. How insane is she? I just met a little Down Syndrome Mexican baby on the train and I bought a pack of gum from it.

This woman was like, do you want a pack of gum? It? I am not going to misgender it. I'm not going to misgender it. It? You look at that thing and call it a thing? It's a human. It looks like you.

It definitely has your eyes. Yeah. Maybe that's why I like them. Yeah. Do you see yourself in them? I can't see myself in them. One eye is going the wrong way. I can't see anything.

Your eyes have gotten a lot better. How did that happen? It's just not... It just looks like one's off because one eyebrow's always up. But they're pretty much spot on. They've gotten better. I don't think that's true.

You're just a very positive person. It's true. Yeah. Can I tell you what I thought of that if I said it now, it wouldn't be funny, but I thought of it and I missed the time to say it? Sure. No rules here. You said he goes,

oh, you see yourself in Down Syndrome kids? Yeah. And I was like, no, no. She sees a lot of Down Syndrome kids in her with the amount of retards she's fucking. I am exclusively fucking retards. Nice. That was worth it.

Yeah. Holy shit. If I didn't get it out, I'd be... There's not enough rope for this hole we're in. Ian, get us out of the hole. I got a tattoo today, and I was laying down like this, and I turn, and you know, you think you're in a safe space when you're getting a tattoo.

You really think it's like, this is me time. Nobody knows I'm here. And I turn, and Ian's like, hey, buddy. Wow. That happened today. What do you think of his excessive tattooing? I think it's a little bit of a sticker book problem, in my opinion, where it's too fast from the same artist. So it just looks like you got to wait.

You got to go through some shit. You get one every two weeks. No. What are you talking about? So expensive, too. How much is that? This was 400. Go to R&D Tattoo.

Rich Fye. Yeah, what's up? Daniel Strauss. Akira. Go to R&D Tattoo. Rich Fye. Yeah, what's up? Daniel Strauss. Akira. I still want to fuck that kid. Down syndrome. I'm telling you. Clip that up.

He's a guy. What did you get today? I got a cowboy riding a horse. You like that? Yellowstone. Now, what does that mean? I've been watching a lot of Yellowstone. Whenever I'm watching, it rubs off on me immediately.

If I watch a Western, I break up with whoever I'm in. I'm like, I'm alone. And then I'll watch Spider-Man. I'm like, let's kiss upside down. Let's kiss upside down. Do you guys have like a show logo? Yes. You should get like one half and the other half.

And then when you Wonder Twins it, you know, people. I agree. Listen to something else. Wouldn't that be fun if we got, if I got the, I was the butthead and you were the beavis? Would you do that? I don't know, dude. I don't know. That's a decision. That's a tough one.

That's a tough one. I think I would get... I'd get the little disguise of the glasses with the mustache and the nose. Really? That's me. I know it's you. Where would you get it? On the inside of my butt cheek. The bottom of your foot? The foot is always the depository for the...

I'm not really that into it. I'd do that. Why not? What are you going to get? We're not talking about me. I think it might be one of the worst ones I've seen. Let's show them. Let's show them the dog.

No. It's so bad that it's good. It's so bad that it's good. It is bad, though. Do you know his dog tattoo story? He was at Skank Fest on mushrooms, and he got a dog tattooed on him. It was acid, and I got a fucking dog tattoo on me,

and it sucks. But it's also in like the weirdest spot you could ever get a tattoo. I didn't see it. It's crazy how bad it is. Oh, I see it now. I mean, it looks like a pizza and a dog.

It's so big I can't even... It looks like somebody colored it in with a bad marker. I know, dude. I know. I can't even... I can't do anything to it. Wait, who gave it to you? Some fucking scumbag. Yeah, they should be in jail. That's crazy.

No, he was a good guy. I was just too high on acid to say no. Since you were on acid, you were like, bigger. Make it suck. Make it horrible. I hate myself. So can you move it and make him do tricks? He does nothing.

Oh, okay. There you go. He does nothing. Oh, he's getting excited. Then I go, oh. And then everybody freaks out. That's how I raise my dog. Everybody says, don't do this.

Okay. Well, I think it's time to introduce the band. Oh, cool. Yeah, you guys want to do that? You guys want to see a fucking band? I'm in. Yeah? Look at this. Let's do it. Let's bring the band up and we'll change the stage and Cypress Hill, everyone!

Yeah. So let's let them clear. Are you guys ready? It's a TV show. Yeah, it's a band. You guys are ready? It's a TV show. Yeah, it's a band. You guys are ready? One Tree Hill. Awesome. Guys, give it up for Central Soul Blind.

How about it? These guys are from the Hudson Valley, New York City. They're the fucking shit. I'm so excited they're here. Oh, stop. Thank you for having me. Yeah, thank you. How about it for Dave Attell, everybody?

And Brendan Sagalow. And me and Jordan. That's right. Do you want us to help? Oh, well, we don't want dead space while they're up here. Do you want to keep talking? Do you need me off the couch? Yeah, what do you want us to...

Ian, tell me a secret. Oh, there we go. Okay. Hey, thanks, guys. Do you need me off the couch? Yeah, what do you want us to... Ian, tell me a secret. Oh, there we go. Okay. Hey, thanks, guys. Yeah, that was. Dave, do you want to order my proton pack? I'll take your silence as a yes. David Tell, you guys, the best. Think about how fucked we would be if he wasn't here. My God.

What are you going to do after this? Are you going to do a spot? I can't believe you're going to do a spot. You told me to cancel everything. You said, make sure you take off that night. And then I did. And now you have two spots, you little bitch. Whoopsies. Such a cuck. No, I don't have a spot for an hour. It's fine. Let me have the spot.

Come with me. Alright. I mean, what else are you going to do? You know what I'm going to do. New York Comedy Club. We're allowed to hang out here and drink and have fun, right? Yeah. Don't you guys answer, idiots. Them. The people who work here.

It's always like that when you're on stage and you'll be like, how much time do I have left? And people will be like, you have a whole hour. I'm like, shut up, incel. Oh my gosh. Sorry. Sorry. Jesus. What happened to you? Dude, I've been in such a bad mood.

I got stuck behind two very fat black ladies walking so slowly, and I could not get past them, and I was late for coming here. What do you do? You can't walk by them. And they were talking about how much they hate... Yeah, you can.

You just walk by someone and say, excuse me. They were talking about how much they hate white people. Look, there's no smoke in there. All right, well, whatever. We'll clean it up, you bitch. Look, if somebody's walking in front of you, you say, excuse me, like a fucking person. You can't if they're being like, white people are the worst people I've ever met in my damn life. So then prove that you're a good one and be nice. And say, oh, excuse me? You think they're going to be like, oh, my bad, and move?

Yes. No, they're going to be like, stupid bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, take the mic. I think you're wrong. Don't you think if you're walking by and someone in there in the way, you should say, excuse me, and just go by? Or should you keep it inside and talk about it on a podcast?

Yeah. You know you've got stuck behind that obstacle course. Yeah, and I've said've i've said fuck you and moved on here watch out they gotta move this you just start speaking in black voice that's what you do so i like to make friends with everyone all right taste me no no no no i took you back do you guys need this table moved? Yeah? Okay, Jordan, help me.

What a weird question. What do you think they could just... What? That's crazy that you just asked that. Well, shut up and move it then, asshole. Why would you think that they would just... Because no one was touching it. Oh, God damn it. All right.

All right. Are you guys almost ready? I'm kind of floundering up here. Could you guys save me? Are you ready? I'll intro you. Ian, we're not hip-hop, so you're good. No worries.

Ow! Jesus Christ! Fucking hell, Jordan. All right, are you guys ready for Black Sheep and Cypress Hill? Yeah! You guys ready to roll? Yeah, yeah. Me and Jordan are going to come out

and help sing because this first song is a song you guys know. I can't be happy enough and grateful enough to have Soul Blind come and play this show and close it out for you guys tonight. Shout't be happy enough and grateful enough to have soul blind come and play this show and close it out for you guys shout out to jordan the best we're gonna all have merch in the back support these guys grab a shirt if you want and give it to everyone if anyone leaves and smoke a cigarette i swear to god i'm looking right at you let's give it up for Soulbite, everybody! Huntsman Valley, New York City hardcore! Let's fucking rip it!

Get up, get up, get up, get up! I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't mind I don't mind I don't mind I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, care, care of this town I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, mind, don't have a mind

Get away, get away, get away, get away, away, away from your home I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, afraid Yeah, even if you have, even if you need I don't even care, we don't have to breathe We can build a house, we can build a street I don't even care, we can't have a priest She said, she said, she said, she said She said, she said, she said She's dead She's dead She's dead

She's dead I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, care, care of your soul I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, mind, mind, mind Don't have a mind Get away, get away, get away, get away, away, away from your home I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, afraid You, even if you live, even if you need I don't even care, we don't have to breathe

We can build a house, we can build a tree I don't even care, we can have our dreams She said She said She said She said She said She said

She said She said She said She said She said Yeah, anywhere, even if you need I don't even care, we are not afraid We can build a house, we can build a street, I don't even care, we can have a drink, it's sad, it's sad. It's sad, it's sad. She said, she said Yeah!

There's no lyrics in that song. I know, here's our fucking shit. Thank you. Stab me down Watch this thing, they never come down Watch yourself Watch this thing, it's always round They say they never come down Watch yourself Watch yourself It's always round If pain is on my side Then I will pay no mind

Look it through I'm looking through you as you go I thought I knew I thought I knew what did I know If fate is on my side Then I will pay no mind If pain is on my side Then I will pay no mind Nettopp på en viss måte. Thank you. I don't know

Why I'm trying Reaching for Something inside of me Inside of me for something inside of me inside of me when you say I'm crawling into you Now what is coming for my soul?

I'll keep running, I'm running Away Away When you see I'm crawling into you I'm taking up When you see I'm crawling into you Saking up when you say I'm crawling into you Saking up when you say

I'm crawling into you Saking up when you say I'm crawling into you Sinking up when you say I'm crawling into you The end Thanks, I know y'all probably don't even wanna hear this shit, but shit, thanks for staying. You probably didn't even pay your bill, that's probably why you're not leaving, but you can pretend to like it, this is all good. Shout out to Ian and Jordan again, give it the fuck up. Nobody can bind in comedy and music,

at least of this variety, so I appreciate it so much, it's cool. I'm afraid of you! The king of the under The king of the under You're just falling all over Just falling all over You'll see Around me All the way

To me The chaos in the darkness gives you fear Just looking for somewhere You're treading in water You can't stay You're just falling all over The chaos in your other's in human Just looking for somewhere You're treading in water, you can't see You're just falling all over I'm not afraid to be alone ¡Gracias! I'm not there

It's not me Feels so strange To know that you aren't here Everything Is broken I just can't Practice on this I just can't break this darkness Turn the light out of life

Run, you're the one holding the night Thank you. I feel nothing inside me inside me it feels so strange I've never seen inside me, inside me It feels so strange to know that you're watching Last one, thank you Yeah, yeah I'm dreaming again Will you say before I do I can feel it all from you Why do you Running from you, saying, saying I'm blue

Do you have a sense of peace? I never said the things that you did Well, it's not enough for you But I'm still stuck in a loop Will you stay before I assume I can't feel it all from you Why do you run from the doom Stay in, stay in the gloom Run from the doom The sky is, the sky is dark blue Norge, Norge, Norge Thanks for Soul Blind. Shout out to Ian and Jordan.

Yo, how fucking good is Soul Blind, everybody? Support these guys. They got records for sale, t-shirts for sale. They're fucking blowing up. They're opening for Helmet on the Road. One more time for fucking Soul Blind. Listen to their album. Buy their album.

Support these guys. Me and Jordan can thank you guys enough for coming out tonight. It truly means the world to play The Cutting Room in our home city, our hometown of New York. And you guys are the fucking best for supporting us, rocking with us,

enjoying how fucking totally insane we are. We love you guys. We're going to be at the front. We're selling limited shirts, posters, hanging out, taking pictures, saying hi. So come hang out. And again, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you guys. Have a good night i love you